#(because he never wants anyone to feel like he did; lonely misunderstood unloved)

[bookshelfdreams]

friendly reminder that

"I love everything about you."

[dyabolos]

Name ten favorite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.), then tag ten people.

I was tagged by @ruensroad thank you! I didn't put them in any order and I tried (and failed) to stick to the different things (if I didn't, it would be a Gintama top and like haha). Also, I KNOW I HAVE A TYPE OK ??? DON'T CALL ME OUT ON IT.

Lee Yut Lung (BANANA FISH) • my snake son, the love of my life.  He's lonely and hateful and petty (and pretty) and so broken. He hates himself and the rest of the world so much and fuck I still love him. He didn't deserve what happened to him, I'm glad he got revenge over his shitty family (even if he himself didn’t find peace afterward) and I hope he's living his best life with Sing, learning to love and be loved.

Jiang Cheng (MDZS/THE UNTAMED) • shitty life? Low self-esteem? Misunderstood bastard? Thinks he's unlovable and yet he's got the biggest softest heart I've ever seen? He's angry and harsh, he's made plenty of mistakes but he's trying ok? And listen, nothing is more precious than the love he has for his nephew.

Jason Todd (DC COMIC) •  SHITTY LIFE AND LOW SELF ESTEEM, I SAID. ALSO DADDY ISSUES ???? You bet he would figure in this list. He's so resilient and full of rage and yet he pushes through. He's not a hero but he's not a bad person either.

Nie Huaisang (MDZS/THE UNTAMED) • Huaisang is what you get when you back a peaceful boy into a corner and FUCK YEAH. I love him, he played EVERYONE using what people assumed he was and made them look so dumb. Boy literally made everyone do his work just by playing them. He loved his brother so much, he plotted for 10 years just to avenge him and he DID. He didn't want this life but when he had to, he took responsibility.

Atsushi Nakajima (BUNGOU STRAY DOGS) • He could have been an anomaly in this list cause he's so soft but hey, low self-esteem and shitty life but still so so so so kind and it doesn't feel forced at all. I mean, yeah, it does but like it's addressed and he's learning to let go of his obsession to please everyone. I love how he's ready to fight but also so ready to give second chances.

Arya Stark (ASOIAF) • When I say Arya Stark, I'm obviously talking about book!Arya and not the joke show! Arya was. I love her so freaking much. She's so pure of heart without being a boring perfect character, she went trough SO MUCH and she's still so kind. I know she's not in a good place where we left her in the books with the faceless men and all but idc I love her, she's the best.

C.C (CODE GEASS) • I didn't put Lelouch because this list was lacking in women so here she goes. Cunning and cold and actually really selfish. She knows it and doesn’t hesitate to act on her plans and ready to own up to what she’s done. A witch who lived for centuries and was so ready to die but despite everything she went through, despite her own stubborn self, she learned how to open up to other people again ♥

Regulus Black (Harry Potter) • Sirius Black can choke. He was a piece of shit. The real hero was his brother all along. He learned from his mistakes and actually did something to change. He was so brave he decided to go against Voldemort ALONE just so his family and his loved one wouldn't be impacted by his actions. He chose to protect his house-elf instead, treated him like a person. Something Sirius never did because he was an entitled piece of shit and

Zoya Nazyalenski (THE GRISHA TRILOGY/ THE KING OF SCARS DUOLOGY) •  MY QUEEN. GOD I LOVE HER SO FREAKING MUCH. Girl went through so much, from being forced to marry an old man, to flying for her life. She found a second home, a mentor and then lost both of them to betrayal and yet she never ever gives up. It's heartbreaking but now she has the powers of a DRAGON. MY QUEEN. EUFHIUEHFIUEH She's a commander, a soldier, she cares so much for her people despite her harsh exterior, she's ready to die to protect them. 

Chu Wanning (2HA) • *cries*

EDIT: Haha forget to tag, so anyone who sees this and wants to do it, go ahead!

[shoeshoesho]

March 3, 2019

I am scrolling on this thing. Not like when I was 22 and so conflicted.. While i am here I have finally laid down. I did a load of laundry, did all the dishes, finished cooking a nice meal. All my ducks are lined up today- a real adult I am. Check*Check*check* it off the list.. I have a moment to myself.. monday is glooming over in the background- work stress/project stress/presentation tomorrow *Scream*. But i lay here, and I’ve got nothing else to do it seems.. I decided to jump on tumblr for old time sake. Maybe Ill write today. Maybe it won’t be like other days lately. or no days lately where I haven’t been able to write. I think because Tyler is gone I have some time to myself.. some free time. some space to breathe. maybe i haven’t wrote because im with him all the time. but really, maybe its not him per say. maybe its not just me (just ME). Him could be anybody, anything. The point is, I find myself scrolling on this thing and remembering when I was 23 or 22. I would spend time up late in my room, cooped up. I would sometimes be naked.. topless, whatever it was. Imagine things..But i would scroll on this thing, listen to something and just lay there thinking.. I was so restless. so regal. so lonely. so misunderstood. I found myself missing that time.. I dont know why i would ever miss it. It was a lot of anguish and confusion- that time of life. It was fear and in fear there was some curiosity. It was looking at an book and flipping through the empty pages and thinking,,”Where do I start? Who is in this? Does anyone want a part in this?”

At this point Im feeling like “thats it i guess.” I can feel the maturing life of mine. You work work work and the days fly by... You hardly have any time to wonder and dream. No days alone.. on your bed, wondering.. Your with a partner and you spend all your times together. Is there room to lay naked and blog about the chambers of your heart. The frustrations of relationships past. I feel old. I miss it. I dont know.. Feeling lonely? Feeling like you were going to take a big bite out of the world.. but you haven’t started yet you know? Is this my bite? 

Tyler has shown me things no one has before. He also makes me see things with a brighter shade then they are.. Am i convincing myself right now?

“I was a loner unloved I really didn't need any help at all (shame, shame) I really thought I was fine I was living it up just despite my self (shame, shame) I used to wander the streets at midnight Avoiding any signs of lifeI used to suffer alone I really did think it would make me strong (shame, shame) I used to write it all down Hoping someone would read it years from now (shame, shame) I used to act like I was in a movie So mysterious and misunderstoodYou started hanging around I really didn't think I could live it down (shame, shame) I tried to play it cool But every single part of me felt so good (shame, shame) You took me someplace I'd never been before I was a foreigner in your handsI just couldn't let it go 'til nowA letter unopened just like a knock on the door Do you think you're so special that no one knows what your for? Well you can mutter on sweet nothings like you're on the other side of townDo you fear the attachment to things that you want? Do you want to cut off things for fear of their love? Well you can roll on to the graveyard and let them take you whole Or, you can live it up and leave nothing but your bonesI don't know what to do I was losing myself turning into you (shame, shame) I was really undone The life that I lived seemed so useless now (shame, shame) You know you made me do it And no I don't regret a thing“