#i want to kill myself because of MONEY
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr Inc. has $15.1M in annual revenue.
Text
i fucking hate this world i swear to god
#personal#im going to lose it right here right now#if i have to spend another 1000 dollars on my car im going to kill someone#im going to literally ram my car into the ocean#like. i cant even enjoy my time off. i am always fucking stressed out about how i am just going to hae to pay for shit#everything fucking costs money#by the end of this year ill spend 10k#and then 20 k for the next 10 years will be repaying my student loans because the governement hates its people#like just tell me its futile its literally not worth being alive right now#how the fuck does anyone survive this shit#i need a fucking job is the only thing in my brain over and over and over again#i want to die.#and i dont care! i dont care. im gonna stop caring i dont care#im gonna go lay down and sob#and then stop caring ok#im fucking having a bipolar episode about money AGAIn#for the 1 millionth time#i want to kill myself because of MONEY#hate it here.#dont fucking talk to me.#i dont want anyone to talk to me.#i want to get over this shit as soon as possible.#do not fucking talk to me ok.#my fucking issue.#and i dont need any comfort i need to fucking get over it.#there is no comfort in this fucking world that will give me 100 thousand dollars okay?#so i get over it.#useless fucking world.#pisses me off so much
0 notes
Text
love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
20 notes
·
View notes
Note
I cast the spell: ✨️HAVE A GOOD DAY!✨️
Within the next 7 days (the specific day is one of your own choosing) you WILL have a good day where something nice will happen and you WILL know you're amazing.
Have a nice day! :-)
needed this so bad today thank you....I'm on my last day of my contract and racing for my deadline and trying not to scream
#I don't have another contract lined up because of the dry spell in the industry but tbh i'm not too mad about it#1 because the writers strike needed to happen. power to the people#2 because holy fuck i need a break. holy fucking saurus as my good friend kenzan would say#sometimes I forget that I'm still a junior in the world of professional storyboarding#and i still have a ways to go before I figure out how to make a board that has 1400 panels and not want to kill myself#thank god for ei so I won't be totally out of income. yes it's only a fraction of my usual income but I at least can pay rent#and use savings to buy food#yes i need money but money doesn't do you much good if you die of a stress ulcer at 30 or kill yourself#anyways#anon#ask
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
unfortunately i think my divine punishment is to never feel happy confident pretty and normal
#i always feel off in the late october but omfggg i havent been able to sleep because i am just anxious 24/7 my chest is tight my heart is#in my throat and it hurts so bad. i just want to get money move my mom out of serbia and kill myself i cant wait i tear up from excitement#thinking about not being alive its the only thing keeping me alive if that makes sense#anyway. off to update my cv and portfolio ive been putting it off but its time also i want a boring office job so bad you have no idea but#whatever goddddddddd goodbye sorry for being negative im not even being dramatic like this is my diary i am suicidal and disgusting and#ashmp3 is the perfect place to share these thoughts#tt
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!
#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's#and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in#+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me#in the rain#I nearly fucking died#I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on#nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge#it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks#I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer#and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while#also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful#which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't#bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money#anyway. getting distracted again#do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did#and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here#sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account#I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still#I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth#I don't really care enough to look it up#the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want#if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is#also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
should i e beg or does that make me evil
#im so fuckinf stressed and suicidal because my mom blew money on#so much food and a cleaning lady we couldnr afford and#her bedroom at the old place was a literal biohazard so shes charging even more#my mom wont even tell me how much it is but we cant afford a po box at our new place#and there isnt a mailbox#so we cant get ANY MAIL. :)#and i need drugs and we need groceries and theres already a leak#im so stressed but i cant kill myself because my bf told me he wants me to live with him someday :(#i have to keep trying.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#my parents ability to make me question my moral worth and conclude “i should just die” in a million different ways is commendable#like I'm petrified of being a selfish or evil or tone deaf or cocky person because of how much i get told that i am all that#like dear mother ..me indulging in unhealthy habits is not a result of arrogance? like look at me hiding in tags instead of speaking freely#even in my own account#do you understand the amount of shame i carry#can you as a narcissist even visualise the size of the shame i am built of#there is nothing left in me other than shame and guilt#me telling you i wanna stop existing and kill myself is not a threat to get what i want from you#and honestly no amount of money or materialistic bullshit will ever be able to give me what i want from you#because you simply don't have it#you were built different#you were built only for yourself#you don't recognise what i need because you don't even understand it#if you did you'd see what a gaping hole of an existence is mine#life is actually so fucking beautiful#and i am not
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
hm. so very depressed today. life really isn't worth living sometimes like evrrything is getting and staying worse
#image.txt#the rent i currebtly cannot afford is getting raised again for no reason#my essential grocery trip i just took where i got max 11 items was 64 dollars#forgot to pay this months insurance so instead of just paying a late fee i have to pay double next month#i cant fucking afford anything il#i got a flash tat with my tips i saved for weeks only for my mom to say that money could have gone somewhere useful#like thank you i know i just wanted one little sliver of happiness because i missed last years flash#like what if i just killed myself what would you do then#was it worth it was it all worth it just to keep a roof over my head and consistently eat dinner 4 times a week was it fucking worth it#i want to just give up i really really do
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
please support the global strike in solidarity with palestine
#this is actually the only platform i haven't posted about palestine#but please do whatever you can to support it#i was gonna do this on my main blog because i didn't wanna disturb peoples timelines with non fandom related stuff#but people are being bombed and it won't do much to affect your day#i'll be sharing more posts from now on because it's the least we can all do#please share these posts as well#also tumblr supports israel btw#don't use your money on the app#they're spreading pro israel propaganda and also muting things that have to do with palestine#my blog could get affected bcs of this and ofc i don't want my blog deleted (idk of tumblr can do that) but again#people are being killed#remember to boycott!!!!#i'm so late to this and am greatly dissaponted in myself for not posting on this app considering i have a high number of followers#but i'd rather start now than still be silent#silence is compliance
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore
#okay I'm a little ashamed#it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester#but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it#(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude#to ask if it was still okay to send it#especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it#it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion'#so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail#and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. )#it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March#so I'm not behind for once)#and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago#so i don't have to do that next semester#and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester#I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on#I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long#the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was#I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things#i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done.#void screams
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#'well you cant win em all.' okay but i would like to win at least one!! (not my quote i swear ive seen it on tumblr just cant find it)#like i would kill for just one win. i would pay a crisp $10 to anyone that could provide a single win for me#today was yet another fucking loss and that was all i had lined up. like theres nothing set up to possibly be a win in the future#ive got nothing there. so weve ended on a loss and thats all i have for the foreseeable future#i counted all the wins and losses in recent memory. ive got like 13+ losses and about 1 win#i tried to count up all of my wins but truly i managed like. one.#even some things that i didnt know could become losses! like did you know you can just be refused an adhd reassessment?#like you can say 'id like to pay $160 for you to fuck up a diagnosis again' and they can actually say#'youre not even worth the trouble to misdiagnose so go fuck yourself'#but they can! i didnt know that#and then you can have the audacity to tey to hope for something and think youll get it. like hope a little too hard#truly shouldve lesrned my lesson after twelve losses in a row not to get my hopes up#but i did! i made plans! i was gonna buy a cute water bottle specifically for that job. snd take myself out to dinner if i got it#can you guess what happened? when i had the audacity to hope and plan for a job that i was so passionate about and wanted so much?#(i didnt get it. the job ive been posting about. didnt get it)#didnt get the apartment in the city i love and miss either. didnt get an adhd reassessment (which is still wild to me)#and i tried to frame them as better in my head. 'this is a chance to tey a different job youd be better at! this is a chance to save money!'#nope its just another shitty thing in a long line of shitty things and im just getting tired of it. im so fucking tired of it#i am back where i vowed id never come back to and i cant escape in any way shape or fucking form#just needed to vent because saying all this in my head wasnt helping. saying it here doesnt help either but whatever
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i <3 feeling like i'm literally always making the wrong choice
#every passing day i dig a little deeper the bottomless debt i owe my parents#monetarily and morally#and god i wish i could kill myself but noooooo i tried again and i can't fucking do it i can't#so i just. i don't know i want to be incapacitated i want to be in the psych ward forever.#i don't want to fail and never make enough money to pay for their retirement home#i don't want to have to visit them every god-knows-how-often#i don't want to be fifty years old and still having to exist in relation to my parents#and god they've done nothing BAD i shouldn't want to cut all contact with them#but it's so. i don't know. i don't know how people even do it.#like you always have to come back home you always have to act right you always have to think abt them and text them and call them#and nothing you do is ever right and you want things that can't coexist with their happiness and peace of mind#and you're an asshole in every way you're an asshole deep down and you're an asshole outwardly too#but you can't stop wanting stupid things and acting weird and demanding#and it's a curse upon them to have you near but it's literally so fucking ungrateful of you to stray away a little#and you still do it because you can't stop wanting to follow things instead of keeping to your resolutions#and trying to do the best for them#and nothing is ever the best for them it's always just bad choices cause you shouldn't even exist you're just wrong you're born wrong#you don't want things that are good for them too and you're not capable of good things#dad wants to go on vacation at his family's like twice a year. mom want to stay home and take care of business and relax this year too#even now that grandma is gone and doesn't require her to be near. cuz emptying the flat & all of that.#and it's just. cool cool i make the wrong choice whichever way.#if i stay with mom i'll make dad's family sad and inconvenience my mom and leave dad alone#if i go with dad i'll leave mom alone (also alone to work on the flat) and i'll be an annoying asshole to dad and his family#because i'm too stupid and egoistical to pretend to be fine with things that mildly inconvenience me for five seconds#and either way i won't do any fucking work because i'm a sad piece of shit and i'm going to fail the fuck out of school next year#broadcasting my misery#vent
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Y’all is Hollow Knight hard or do I just suck because oh my god??
#not gonna inflict my ramblings onto someone else’s post so just making a text post for myself#but oh my god#what the fuck?#maybe I’m not a hardcore metroidvania fan but I like them well enough#do I suck that badly at games now?? am I old to the point that my hands can’t do this shit????#did I just somehow fuck myself at some point???#because wow this feels kind of sadistic????#and not even in the fun kind of way?????#like I think I’d rather submit myself to fear and hunger again rather than continue where I am now in hk#idk maybe I’m missing something#but I just got wall jump and was so happy until I fell down to where you can challenge those mantis dudes#got myself out of there but then as I was exploring northwest I keep dying and reviving from the fucking bouncy balls over water#and the normal mantis mobs are also kicking my ass?#and dont even get me started on the weird tentacley nuclear bomb mushroom things those are just bullshit#AND THEN AS I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME EXPLORING HEADING TOWARDS A SAVE BENCH I GET DROPPED INTO DEEPNEST??????#WHAT KIND OF JUMPSCARE BULLSHIT??????????#AND THE FUCKING COCKROACHES THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP SPAWNING KILL ME#and then I see how fucking far back I’ve been dropped in the corner of fungal wastes#and I try jumping through the fucking bouncy balls again#and I die and lose my money#I can’t fucking do this shit anymore y’all holy fucking shit#the number of times I’ve died and restarted from that fucking fungal wastes bench I am so sick of it 💀#legit I think this is the first time I’ve rage quit a game#it’s been a while since a game’s actually made me this angry I want to fucking throw something 😂#the willpower and self control I needed to not chuck my pro controller across the room…#if I didn’t have neighbors and a unit below me I’d be throwing shit for sure though#but instead I must smack pillows against my mattress in a rage 😂#I think I hate the ‘go back to where you died to get back your money’ punishment system… like legit I actually really really hate it.#I do think the game is fun and I know I’ll probably quickly gain the money… but it feels like the game’s telling me I fucking suck lmao#suffice to say I will not be playing any more hollow knight for the foreseeable future 💀
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Looove feeling like a fucking child whenever I talk to kids my age ebecause I always feel like I’m either talking about my toys or like they’re better than me because I spent a majority of my childhood trying to make myself just as smart as everyone else because I genuinely thought I was stupid and didn’t deserve to live
#I wasn’t stupid I was like 10#god it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t fucking talk to people#I make my voice sound to nice I make myself talk quiet I don’t know how to respond#I don’t want everyone to hear me so I practactly whisper I don’t even say hi I just nod or wave#I love being autistic this is just the one thing I hate abt it is how fucking different you are from everyone else#I think differently I know that I don’t know how to navigate smth like this I always make myself the dumber or the less knowing one#I make myself think I’m a manipulator because I try so constantly to make people like me by making myself look like a ‘nice person’ like how#an animal plays dead or shows its stomach to say ‘oh don’t kill me I’m not a threat haha you want me around’#my therapist said I should try looking into psychology collage or smth she said I’d be good at it#I just think about how I think too much#my grades are shit I don’t wanna be in college for 8 years because my teacher said I’d be good at a job#then again I think psychologists make a lot of money and that could help with the art stuff#like Helen Highwater being a lawyer and doing all this crazy art shit on the side#fuck man what the fuck am I doing goodnight
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted#everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought#everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it#i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based#off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting#beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from#you#i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless#i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely#selfish one#if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around#if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats#if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know#maybe something could be manifested into me#everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of#me true and maybe then id exist fully#until then oh well#though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort#i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me#sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now
9 notes
·
View notes