#there is no comfort in this fucking world that will give me 100 thousand dollars okay?

[witchersmistress]

the down fall of Eros

Hello my darlings!! worked on this beauty while i was on the beach today.

Trigger Warning: Swearing, Violence, alcohol, soft Sy

Word count: 2.4K

Sys pov

Dragging my feet back inside, I couldn't face the thought of being in my office not where her scent lingered. So I went to the bar and ordered a whiskey neat from Theo.

He gave me a look as I downed the whiskey and he filled the glass up again. " Boy, if you have something to say, say it. I am not in the mood for games" I drawled. He swung the rag he was wiping the bar down over his shoulder and picked up his drink and tipped it in my direction. "May I be frank with you Mr. Stone" I grunted at him and he continued. " You are a goddamn idiot" the pateron to the left of me choked on his drink as I glared daggers at Theo.   He began to wipe down the bar as he watched me " what did you say to me boy?" I sharply asked, I heard him the first time but I wanted to see if he had the balls to repeat himself. 

"With all due respect sir, you are my boss, but you are a goddamned idiot. Even a blind man could see how much you care for Rory, why else spend 100 thousand dollars on her to keep her out of the hands of that Irish prick O'Malley? She was clearly on cloud 9 when she left but you just put her in your car without a second glance, that's cold even for you boss." Draining my whiskey again he pours me another " is she really worth losing over, something she can't handle, cause let me tell you, that girl is one tough cookie, nothing could stop her or slow her down” he tossed the dirty rag in with the dirty dishes and took off with them to the back.

Looking at the bottom of the glass as if the amber liquid would hold all my answers “He’s right you know, Syverson” a dark and sinful voice purred in my ear, i turned to find Liliana standing next to me, her long dark hair cascading down her back, her warm caramel colored skin, glowing under these lights and her dark eyes looked like obsidian from this angle. I downed what was left of my whiskey, turning in my seat to face her. She was in a long white dress, a stark contrast to her naturally dark vibe she gives and as per usual, she had Bambi wrapped around her arm, with her head resting on her chest just above the swell of her left breast. Why she insists on carrying that damn snake everywhere she goes, i'm not sure but it gives her an edge that most men wouldn't dare cross and has most women bowing at her feet.

She beckoned me to follow “Come Logan, take a walk with me” I threw a 50 down on the bar for Theo, he may be a smart ass kid but he is always a wise one for his age. Catching up to Lil with ease, we walked through the club, to the seething underbelly, located downstairs. Down here, people could be who they wanted to be, from voyeurism to reverse harems, to public sex, there  was something for everyone down here. With a lot of trust, safe words and limits, the world is yours for the taking down here. I followed Lil to her dark corner of the room, she walked with such pose and grace as she sat down in her throne, with a particular young man attached to the wall by a long chain and collar.

 It wa s Mikey, my nephew, i sat across from Lil while she got comfortable in her chair with a heavy sigh i pointed at Mikey ``I'm not going to ask but be gentle he is a kid” she clucked her tongue at me “Please Logan you worry to much, besides i'm holding on to him as a debt from you beloved brother, once he pays up he can have his son back” Mikey went to protest but she pulled on his chain “ Shh my pet, the adults are talking” he quickly shut up and looked back at the floor. “He is an odd one that is for sure” she just gave me a knowing smile while stroking his hair “So why did you kick that poor girl out like she we was yesterdays trash, the poor thing was in tears as they pulled out” wide eyed i studied her “How in the actual fuck did you know i did that?” she winked at me and gestured around the room with her hands, “I have eyes and ears everywhere doll and don't you forget it” she was our silent partner in the business so she could come and go as she pleased. She was not my cup of tea but she was a fascinating woman.

“ Liliana, I have to protect her, she is my best friend's daughter and the stuff that Walter, August and I are involved in could get her hurt or worse even killed.” she scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Bullshit excuse, you and i both know that you would move heaven and earth to protect that girl, hell look at what August has done to keep Addie safe” she had a valid point, “This is Rory we are talking about'' i countered “She isn't like Adeline or Amelia'' Liliana snorted at that remark. “That is true, Amelia’s father is a damned fool if he thinks he can hide her from Walter, that man will find her and there will be hell to pay when he does' ' Mikey snorted but didn't say anything else. Leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees.

“What can I do? I might have pushed her away for good, how can I fix  that?” she tsk tsk me like a child. “Seriously Sy? You really are a goddamn idiot, you get on your knees and worship her the way you should have, honestly boy you should have grabbed her at 18 and never let go, so you may lose your best friend but if he truly wants his daughter to be happy, he’ll come round” whatever weight that was holding me down suddenly lifted and spark of clarity came in “Thank you Lil, i don't know how to thank you” she waved me off “Anytime sugar, now go get your girl, your bike is still in the garage if you need it” bolting up the stairs and to the elevator. My phone pinged.. It was fucking Walter 

Walter: Now hold on, where is Rory and where is the damn fire cousin??

Not responding to him, I don't want to play his games. 

August: “Now now brother i'm fairly certain, he scared her off”

Sy: 🖕🖕🖕

Rushing off the elevator, I changed from my monkey suit, into jeans and a t- shirt with my leather jacket and bolted down the stairs, racing over to my bike, I started it and bolted out of the parking garage. Speeding in and out of the LA traffic, desperate to reach Rory in time. I drove into the parking garage of the hotel and made my way inside, passing the front desk. The  lady behind the desk stopped me "Mr. Syverson sir?" I turned to look at her " Yes ma'am what can I do for you?" Striding towards the desk. A slight flush appeared on her cheeks. Clearing her throat, she continued " we are giving you a partial refund for your stay, since your second guest checked out a little while and went. Poor thing she was distraught, but she had a lovely young man with her" she continued to rattle off but I stopped listening. She was gone, she had left. With another man… I had officially lost her.

Thanking the woman, I made my way to the elevators and up to the 14th floor. Trudging back to my room, I opened the door and a folded piece of paper was under my door, picking it up, I'd recognize Rory's handwriting anywhere, she loved to leave me notes as a little girl.

Sy, I'm leaving. I'll be back Monday morning to fly home but not a moment beforehand. I'm safe and that's what matters. Don't bother trying to find me, I don't want to be found especially by you. We will fly home Monday but I never want to see you again Logan Syverson. Rory

Sitting on the bed I read that note over and over again. She's gone, and I've lost her forever. Standing up, I paced, my blood boiling at the thought of her off with another man, him touching what's mine. I pick up the lamp on the bedside table and throw it across the room with a roar, punching my fist into the wall. Reaching into the mini fridge and grabbing my bottle of Jack Daniel's I chugged sip, after sip, until all I saw was a black drunken rage.

Rorys’ POV

I climbed out of the car at the hotel and made my way inside. I can't believe that I was so stupid to think that Sy would actually have feelings for me the same way I did him. He is an excellent faker. He told me all the right things, did all the right things, he played me like a cheap piano.

Making my way to my room, i grabbed my suitcase and started throwing my stuff in there, i couldn't stay in the next room to that man, my cell phone chimed and i grabbed, it was Jesse

Jesse: Hey bonita, heard you were in LA, would you be interested in getting dinner?

Rory: Loved to, i'll text you the address for the hotel im staying at.

Jesse: see ya soon 😘

I smiled and finished packing up my things, i left Sy a note a slipped it under his door not that he even deserve that much, i told the lovely woman behind the counter that i was leaving as Jesse walked in, he was 6’2, shaved head, dark eyes, plump lips that are just damn near kissable. He was in a dark button down shirt with the first few buttons undone. Black dress pants that made his ass look phenomenal, black shoes that shined, I expected nothing else from a navy man. He gave me a warm genuine smile, kissing me on my cheek as he took my bag and placed it in the trunk of his Tesla. Opening my car door for me, my heart broke a little, he is always such a gentleman. Getting in the driver's seat, he pulled away as I looked out the window as he drove, he had one hand on the steering wheel, the other one gripping my left thigh in his large hand “Bonita, talk to me” his voice was soft and gentle. I told him about what happened at Lux. he pulled into his apartment complex, he gripped the steering wheel as I finished my story. He got out of the car, grabbed my bag and he opened my door for me. “Come let's order in and watch a movie” he placed an arm around my back and made our way upstairs. Opening his apartment, I followed him inside. “ I’ll put your bag on my bed, go get comfy while I order food, your usual?” he asked over his shoulder, i followed him into his guest room, which was plain, a bed, nightstand, a mirror, and a desk. He was very simple, he believed that bedrooms were for sleeping and sex.

Valid reasons, I always thought, walking into the ensuite bathroom, I turned on the shower as hot as I could handle and went back to my bag to get my bathroom stuff. Jesse had laid out on the bed for me one of his oversized t-shirts and my black booty shorts. “This isn't a booty call Mr.” i teased as i grabbed my shower stuff, leaning against the door frame “I know sweet girl, there is time for that later” winking at me as he left the room, walking back into the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and to the hot water to commune with my demons, tried like hell to wash Sy from my skin but it was no use i could feel him everywhere. I pounded my fist on the black tile wall till my knuckles ached. A full body sob racked my chest as I slid to the floor and cried. I felt so many things, but I couldn't process my thoughts.

I felt strong arms wrap around me and pull me closer into their chest, clinging to the  shirt clinging to their chest, whoever they were, they reeked of whiskey and bergamot, jasmine and cedar. I'd recognize that cologne anywhere, looking up, I saw into the blood shot eyes that belong to one Logan Syverson. At this moment I wanted to do so many things, hit him, punch him, rip him a new one but the look in his eyes told me more than the big burly man had ever spoken to me. My anger replaced my sorrow and I got out of the shower wrapping myself in a towel and went to go find Jesse to yell at.

I was barely out the door when a strong arm grabbed me around my waist, hauling my back and slamming the door. I struggled against his hold, he let me go and I just spun around and pounded on his chest, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. “ I hate you Logan Syverson, I cursed the day I realized you meant so much to me” I continued to beat him and he just stood there and let me, my punches became slower and slower till they finally stopped. He grabbed my arms wrapping them around his neck as he picked me up and carried me over to the bed, sitting me on the edge. He pulled a t- shirt over my head and the towel before he undid the towel and dropped it to the floor. He stripped off his wet clothes and put on a pair of black boxer briefs as he pulled back the covers, scooping me up he climbed under the covers and pulled them up. Tucking me into his chest, he rubbed my back as he kissed my head. He murmured the bedtime story that he used to tell me as a little girl, as my eyes grew heavier by the minute. That last thing I heard before the world faded around me was something I never thought I heard. “ I've loved you since I can't remember when, and I'm going to love you until I can't forget how.”

[parkersharthook]

Some Very Specific Hypotheticals

(Tom Holland x female!reader)

warnings: it’s thirst tweets so it’s slightly smutty and risque

1.5k+ words

a/n: so I got all of the thirsty tweets towards tom from jordan fisher’s video (x) and all of the thirsty tweets towards the reader from tana mongeau’s video (x). I did make up a few of my own lol but most of them come from those videos

Edit: I recognize tana is problematic and I only used her in one of the tweets bc I had originally gotten these thrist tweets from her video. I don’t actually watch/like her so I was unaware of her issues until recently when she came up in the news (I still don’t really know what the whole situation was tbh) anyways.... I changed tana mongeau to anna kendrick bc i have a crush on her lol

requested: Could you please write a Tom Holland x reader reading thirst tweets

“Hey guys I’m y/n/ y/l/n.”

“And I’m Tom Holland.”

“And today for some reason the two of us, who are in a couple, will be reading the other person’s thirst tweets to them.”

“it’s like some weird version of foreplay.”

“I’m excited.”

--

You sat in the chair, facing Tom. The two of you had matching blue jugs with little slips of paper full of what you assumed was raunchy girls, and probably guys, thirsting after the two of you.

“Which one of us is going first?” Tom asked as he fiddled with the bucket.

“Oh definitely me.” You pulled out a slip and smoothed it out, “it says in all caps by the way, ‘DAMN DADDY U SEXY CAN I EAT UR ASS?!?! LICK YA BUTT??!!?!” You barely got the full tweet out before you were laughing.

Tom had already turned a shade of pink and was rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. He stuttered slightly, “wow what a way to start this whole thing. Okay, my turn.” He pulled out the next slip, “y/n y/l/n is literally the most beautiful human ever. Goodbye.”

“aww wait that was so sweet. Thank you.”

“Why was mine about eating my ass and yours was saying you were the most beautiful person ever?”

You laughed slightly and shrugged, “look, everyone is just speaking their truth. My turn!” You happily grabbed the next piece of paper, “haha it’s literally just a screenshot of your age with the words ‘thank god’. If that is not the biggest mood ever…”

Tom laughed heavily. “yeah I had someone tweet me saying ‘I saw a lot of people looking up Tom Holland’s age during the movie.’ Guess it’s a recurring theme.” He fingered through the bucket before grabbing a crumpled sheet, “I want y/n y/l/n to murder my bussy.”

You threw your head back in laughter, “I get that one a lot actually. A classic, really.”

Tom looked around sheepishly, blushing hard. “what’s a bussy?”

You snickered slightly, “it’s a butthole tom. You need to educate yourself. Next one! I love how everyone in the world can agree that tom Holland is hot af and daddy material, even the lesbians.”

“okay that one is definitely the forerunner, that’s a good one.”

You looked back down at the paper with a smile, “that is a good one.”

“’Repeat after me: y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny y/n y/ln makes me horny’. And it says that like 16 more times.” Tom shrugged slightly, “I mean… I can’t exactly disagree.”

“Tom!” You cried slightly exasperated as you blushed. “I’m moving on now… ‘Tom Holland’s lil ass is hella fine’.”

“What? My ass is not little.”

You laughed, “relax they said it was and I quote ‘hella fine’. That’s a compliment.”

Tom grumbled slightly as he grabbed the next tweet, “I want to have a threesome with y/n y/l/n. but no tom Holland. It’s just her, me, and a blunt.” He threw the paper down with a little angry frown, “so first they call my ass little and then they steal you for a threesome? Rude.”

You bit your lip with a small chuckle, “if it makes you feel better, it’s not really a threesome thinking that one member is literally a blunt.”

“can we move on before I get jealous?”

“of a random twitter user and weed? Yeah okay sweetie.” You rolled your eyes heavily, eyeing the paper. Tom watched as your eyes grew wide and then a shit eating grin cracked your lips.

“oh… what is it?”

“this tweet is very specific.” You smiled as you met his eye and began reading it, “look how fine this man is i want him to fuck me on a bed of money and finger me with a $100 bill wrapped around his fingers and then stuff ten thousand $100 bills inside me so he can call me his million dollar pussy.”

“oh… my… god.” Tom said slowly, a deep blush rising on his cheeks. “that- that one was a lot to take in.”

You waved the paper in the yes, “yes. Just… yes. This one cleared my skin, watered my crops. Amazing, perfect.”

“shut up, you’re so annoying sometimes.” He stated as he rolled his eyes.

You poked your tongue out at him teasingly, “you love me.”

“unfortunately.” You scoffed as Tom leaned over and patted your knee lovingly. “you know I’m kidding baby.”

“whatever just read the next damn tweet.”

Tom laughed and pulled out the next one, “I would pay any amount of money for y/n y/l/n to spit in my face and call me an ugly fucking bitch. It would be my honor.”

Your mouth fell open in shock as you looked between Tom, your friends behind the camera, and the crew. Well, that threw you for a loop.

“I- I… don’t know what to say to that. I don’t think I’m comfortable spitting in your face, that seems mean. But… I’m not here to kink shame so thank you I guess.”

There were a few snorts behind the camera as you picked the next one, “Tom Holland is both cute and sexy at the time and it’s really messing with my sanity.”

Tom smirked at the camera and flipped his collar, “I mean what can I say?”

“it’s a point of contention in our household for sure.”

“That I’m sexy and cute?”

You shook your head, “no, that you think your sexy and cute. It’s cocky and rude.”

Tom laughed, “it’s cocky and rude to be confident?”

You turned to the camera, “see? Point of contention.”

“I just think that you’re losing your sanity over my cuteness and sexiness.”

You shrugged obnoxiously, “oh you caught me.” You pointed to his bucket, “please keep going.”

“Okay but imagine: a y/n y/l/n Anna Kendrick sex scene. I mean the power and sexuality they hold is absurd.”

You slapped your hand on your knee, “I love Anna. She’s so funny and I would love to do a sex scene with her or just sex her really.”

“seriously?” tom said exasperated, “you’re sitting here in front of your boyfriend and you’re saying that you want to have sex with someone else?”

You nodded, “yes.”

“dude.”

“relax, it’s not actually going to happen, it’s just hypothetical.”

“you wound me.”

“here, let me boost your ego with a thirst tweet. Tom Holland is fine as hell, I’d eat that ass like a chocolate croissant, chomp chomp bitch. He could choke and kill me and I’d only ask for more. Lemme chomp chomp on that bussy please.”

“wow… I’m not sure that cheered me up exactly but thank you none the less.” He pulled a new slip, “At least 3 times a week me and my boyfriend talk about wanting to have a threesome with y/n y/l/n.”

“wow…”

“why is everyone trying to have sex with my girlfriend?”

“because I’m hot as fuck.”

“can’t argue with that.”

“Alright next one, Tom Holland with that half smile and lip bite fuuuuuckk nope nope nope.”

“okay, that one made me feel better.” Tom said with a little smirk causing you to roll your eyes and laugh.

Tom grabbed the next one, “y/n y/l/n has the best boobs. That’s it that’s the tweet.” He waved the paper a bit, “I happen to agree with you.”

“well thank you for thinking my boobs are great.” You plucked out a new tweet, “Daily reminder: tom Holland is daddy af.”

“I should set an alarm for myself that goes off at the same time every day that just blares ‘Tom Holland is daddy af’.”

“absolutely not. Veto. Nix. Not happening.”

“you’re just mad they think I’m daddy.” You gestured to the bucket, causing tom to roll his eyes and reach into it. “y/n y/l/n can choke me and run me over and I’d say thank you and sorry for the dent in your car.”

You let out a loud bark of laughter, “that’s super funny. Definitely the funniest one I’ve heard so far. Whoever wrote this, you’re funny and I appreciate your comical genius.”

“alright I think we have like one more each, let’s do this.”

“Tom Holland is either a smol puppy or a sex god, there is no in between.” You shook your head, “I actually think there is an in between. It’s called boyfriend Tom. It’s when he’s all cuddly but not quite as baby as smol puppy. Like he’s still a functioning adult but he’s being sweet.”

“ya know… sometimes you can be pretty sweet.”

“aww thanks babe.” You leaned forward to give him a little peck before smiling brightly, “last one! Make me blush!”

“Hey @y/n can I lick your forehead?” you two sat in silence for a moment before tom furrowed his brow, “is that like a sexual thing?”

“I guess…? That’s a new request though, I’ve never heard that one. Interesting.”

“what’s your answer?”

“huh?”

“can you lick their forehead?”

“I’m going to go with no…”

“and that’s the end of our really fun and definitely not at all awkward video!” tom said excitedly

“thanks for watching everyone! We love you and thanks for tweeting thirsty stuff!”

[linssikeittomies]

I Won’t Be Your Donkeyskin - A Banana Fish WIP

So about a 100 years ago I was talking with my friend @freakyfeline about fairytale AUs and we were laughing about how Yue Lung would be just the bitchiest princess. I originally imagined a Donkeyskin story with a Banana Fish spin, but it ended up being a Donkeyskin-inspired Canon Divergence - Yue Lung runs from his family and ends up hiding with Sing’s family, disguised as a girl. This is the only finished scene I ever wrote for it, and I quite like it.

--

Yue Lung thought back to the cashier’s words. Everyone’s heard by now. The prettiest hair I’ve ever seen. Boys will be fighting over you in a few years. He toyed with a strand, deep in irritated thought. Staying this close to the clan’s area of influence was a lot riskier than he liked, but it was the best he could manage for now. Biting his lip, he cursed that he hadn’t known how important identification documents were in the outside world. Who would’ve thought he couldn’t be a real person without some piece of paper?

Fussing with a strand of hair, he tried to weigh his options – ideally he would find a place on the other side of the country, even abroad. Canada, at least, but preferably Asia, maybe Mongolia – not Hong Kong, where the Lees were a considerable presence. But he had no money, and he could only get so far walking. And it was still cold enough to freeze to death in the night without even getting out of New York City first. Stealing would solve a part of that problem, but where could he find enough money? Pickpocketing might net him some loose change and maybe a few phones he’d need to sell for cheap, saving up that way would take too much time, and he was likely he’d get caught sooner rather than later anyway, since he had zero practice. The house was a no-go as well, Mrs. Sun didn’t keep a lot of money in the house, partly because they didn’t have much to save to begin with, and Yue Lung wasn’t rotten enough to steal from his saviors anyway. Maybe if they were filthy rich, and their finances wouldn’t be affected by a few thousand dollars going missing, but it still wouldn’t leave a good taste in his mouth.There was always the option of finding work, but who would hire a 11-year-old, who apparently didn’t exist because he had no ID? He could hardly ask Mrs. Sun money for helping around the house. He didn’t know how to do anything, except grow plants. He could have maybe sold medicinal herbs and such, had he a place to grow them and the knowledge how to use them – his education hadn’t yet included much but the most basic poisons. He also had a lot to learn about acupuncture, too. What else was there? If he couldn’t steal, and he couldn’t work, what else was left? Twisting and twirling the strand, twitching his foot, gnawing his teeth, there had to be something he could do! Just anything to run, or keep hiding, think! Think! Considering how much Mrs. Sun was gossiping about her newest “daughter” it was safe to assume Yue Lung’s brothers would soon hear about this mysterious girl who suddenly appeared out of nowhere, running from an abusive family, who just so happened to bear the name of the former patriarch’s deceased concubine! Fuck, what a fucking idiot a person can be! Using his mom’s name! Yue Lung might not have been able to do anything about Mrs. Sun’s benign airheadedness but he should’ve known better than be self-sabotaging dumbass! Okay, okay, what’s done is done, what he needed now was damage control. So, to keep running Yue Lung needed money, and he couldn’t get it yet. Which left hiding. Mrs. Sun was his saftest bet for now, and however talkative she might have been, Yue Lung was dependent on her goodwill and criticizing her would hardly endear Yue Lung to her. It had to be accepted that Dai Yu would be a known face around town, though it would be nice if it would attract less attention. Wasn’t there something he could do about that? He couldn’t change his face, apart from scarring it, and that would only make him more noticeable. It would take several years before he could grow a moustache or a beard, and with his genes it was likely to be a bust anyway. Unless he wanted to make a beard toupee out of his hair, and what would look more natural on a preteen than a hairbeard? One that was tangled to death from nervous fiddling. The strand around his fingers was getting knotted to the point of needing scissors to be solved. Wasn’t there anything Yue Lung could do to stay hidden? The strand twirled, frayed and split. ...The hair had to go. It was too noticeable. Having it shorter wouldn’t stop anyone from recognizing him, but it would cut the number of looks thrown his way. That was the key – stay low, stay humble, stay dull. Under any circumstances, do not attract unnecessary attention. Have average looks, have average manners, have average intelligence, be an all-around average girl and soon enough no one would care if you live or die! Blend in well enough and you might as well not exist. Mrs. Sun trimmed her own and her children’s hair, Yue Lung had seen the hair scissors in the bathroom. They were kept in a sleeve that looked homemade, and at least a decade old. One could only hope the scissors themselves were newer than that, or at least kept sharp – no such luck. Most things in the household were long past their glory days, full of holes or chips and dull as a cloudy day or a newborn’s teeth. The unsteady shhhk of the dull scissors trying to cut through a thin strand and Yue Lung’s frustrated grunts must have been what eventually caught Mrs. Sun’s curiosity. “Heavens! Dear girl, what on Earth are you doing?” Yue Lung thought the answer should have been clear as day, but he answered anyway. Mrs. Sun shook her head in disbelief and affectionate frustration. But, since the damage had been done, she demanded to even out the cut. “Aiya girl, you should have to come me in the first place!” she nagged as she snipped. “I would have cut it. I don’t understand why you would want to, your hair is so beautiful, Dai Yu.” Feeling that Mrs. Sun wouldn’t quit until Yue Lung gave some excuse to his haircut, he decided to play on a bit of admiration. He had found that often a transparent flattery would fall flat and have the opposite effect desired, and it was better to be less direct about the approach. It tended to work best with a bashful admission. “I wanted it to be like yours”, he mumbled quietly, affecting an embarrassed tone. It worked exactly how he had wished it to – Mrs. Sun cooed at him, calling him a silly girl but leaving it at that. Once she was content with Yue Lung’s new haircut, she called her sons to take a look. Yue Lung twirled around, supposedly pleased and proud. Yen Tai just said it looked fine and left like the moody teenager he was, but Soo Ling stayed quiet and thoughtful. Yue Lung thought he might have caught the longing look he had thrown at the long strands abandoned on the floor. He was weirdly silent for a few seconds, before saying “Dai Yu looks nicer with short hair.” Some kind of dam broke inside Yue Lung. He looked at the arm-long strands strewn about, curling around each other in embraces soon to be broken to clean up the remains of a burial. Dignity shed, thrown aside to further the selfish ends of another. A once treasured possession turned to trash. “How could you say that?” said Yue Lung, throat constricting, and his voice wasn’t any easier to mask than the tears falling to the floor. With a sharp inhale he tried to mask as anger, fully in vain, he broke down with a sorry mewl. “Aiya, it’s okay, it’s okay! It really looks nice on you!” Mrs. Sun tried to comfort. “Dai Yu, it’s alright. You look so pretty with your new hair! It makes you look so much softer!” Soo Ling ran to the kitchen and came back a little while later with a few almond cookies in hand. He offered them to Yue Lung, while Mrs. Sun still petted his back and muttered Aiya, poor girl, and I knew you would regret it. “Dai Yu, don’t cry. It’s just hair.” Just hair? Of course a boy would think it was just hair. He jerked at the look Yue Lung threw at him, like it had physically stung him. The Dai Yu he knew was distant and stiff, even cold, but always reserved, so he wasn’t prepared for the concentrated vitriol pouring out of the girl. He hesitated little before wisely fleeing from the girl. All this was hidden from Mrs. Sun, who unknowingly dried the tears of a beast and privately chided her son for being so rude to a crying girl. “Dai Yu, why don’t we gather up this hair and braid it. You can keep it safe until your hair grows back.” Silently, exhausted, Yue Lung nodded slowly. “I’ll do it myself. I’m sure you had something else to do before I disturbed you.” “Oh, it’s no trouble. Go find some pretty ribbon in the –“ “Please let me do it alone.” Mrs. Sun finally understood he needed a moment alone and left to find the ribbon herself. Yue Lung quietly, slowly, gathered the strands together. His neck itched. The short hairs from the last clean-ups had stuck to the skin. The ends of the dead tail of hair were uneven. It was an ugly thing, gathered up from the floor, not bundled together before being cut off. A dead keepsake, a far cry from the real thing, and the pain of it was more pressing than the dear memory. He would give it a proper burial. This one thing would escape the legacy of Lee Hong Lung and gain back some of its dignity in death.

--

I couldn’t find Sing’s mother’s name, so I decided to call her Sun Ci-Hui. Also I’m currently watching a k-drama called Rookie Historian Goo Hae-Ryung, and the prince is one of my favorite characters ever because he’s so sweet and innocent, and right after finishing an episode I go write calculating bitches like Yue Lung and Ivan:D What can I say, I like variety.

[justfangstvdto]

Open Coffin 2 | Chapter 01 “City Of Devils”

Disclaimer: This is a sequel! Find Part 1 here. For some context, I´d advise you to watch The Originals to understand some occurrences.

Chapter warnings: typical vamp behaviour, blood, murder, angst and some very obvious foreshadowing

Word count: 4104

Tags & Author Note at the bottom. Feedback is my lifeblood and keeps the writing coming.

Open Coffin 2 Masterlist

Your name: submit What is this?

You were surrounded by pulsating air. Alive and undead hearts sinking to the pace of the drums. There was dooming danger in the air in the packed bar turned nightclub, as hunters moved amongst their prey. It would be only a matter of time before the hunters overpowered them.  

On cue, the lights dimmed to a sombre shade of red and the hunters ceased their movements. You identified them through the rousing crowd, eyes veined and fangs bared - ready for attack.

Three.

Two.

One.

Midnight. Time to feed.

Your fangs punctured the delicate skin of the neck closest and the addicting crimson blood drained into your mouth. The horrid screams from the human in your grip were drowned out by the sheer pleasure of holding a life in your hands.

The brink was here. Was there hope for your prey yet?

You stepped over it, without blinking, without remorse. One less tortured soul to roam the earth. If you came to think of it, you did them a favor.

With evil on the mind and blood spatters in the air, you retreated the battlefield concealed as a dancefloor. You headed to the bar, unbothered to swipe your bloody mouth. There was no use in pretending anymore, to hide behind a mask. The world had seen what wretched thing you were, and you were unbothered by it. Let them see, let them fear. It kept them away.

Ordering a bourbon with the wave of your hand, you sat down on the remote end, further from the thumping music.

“Rough night?” The bartender tried to joke with you.

“Rough life.” That answer may have been trite, but hell if it wasn't ́t the truth. And you didn't need that dimwit behind the bar to remind you of that. “Just do your job and pour the liquor. I ́m not looking for a shrink.”

He backed off, hands raised in defence. The relief of silence was short-lived though as two loudly talking vampires joined next to you, their mouth tinted from their feast.  

“You heard about what's happening in New Orleans?” One of the vampires said to the other.

This Bar, in the heart of Hell´s Kitchen, was where supernatural gossip lived. Everybody talked and gossiped about friends and enemies alike, but none had anything to say that was of particular interest to you.

You heard about the other side collapsing, the recent change in leadership in New Orleans, even talk of Klaus ́ mystical daughter that died in a war between werewolves and the Mikaelsons. And you heard about Damon ́s death. You had to hear it out of someone else's mouth, instead of Stefan ́s. You were not even invited to his funeral, nobody tried to even contact you. Not once. So much for the unbreakable bond of family everyone kept going on about. All bullshit.

So instead of wallowing in grief, you preoccupied yourself with mercenary-like jobs in exchange for currency, which in your case, was spells and spellbooks to hone your craft. You did not have any other purpose, so you made your own. To harness enough knowledge to never watch someone perish in front of your eye ever again. Or to destroy anyone standing in your path.

“Apparently,” The vampire continued “there's some shit going down. Something about a witch that ́s back from the dead who's jumping into people's bodies. Can you imagine?”

“I ́m not surprised, that place gives me the creeps, man.”

“Yeah, but jumping into someone's body? That´s fucking weird.”

“Sounds like a job for those hunter brothers on tv. They ́d clean that shit up good.”

“Hell yeah, man!”

You had no desire to listen after that, consumed by new opportunity. There was only one witch that could´ve risen from the dead causing that much trouble. Esther. It had to be her.

How was she back? The other side collapsed not 4 months ago and with it every spirit in there. Then, a thought crossed your mind that had you spiralling; If Esther crawled out of hell, could he be back too? Was there a chance he made it out alongside her?

All hope deafened when whispers came from men next to you that were oh so chipper a second ago. The taller one with jet-black hair looked over his shoulder and saw you sitting there and promptly turned his head with fear in his eyes.

You were used to it. People here knew what you were. A new species of hybrid. A freak. They crossed the streets when you came along, children ran away and hid behind their parents. They always feared what they did not know, what they were not able to comprehend.

The hushed whispers continued for another minute before you intervened.

“You got something to say to my face?”

“Nah, nothing.” The shorter ashen blond guy shook his head.

You wanted to leave it at that, to let them go with a warning not to talk in whispered hushes. But something in their dismissal made you angry. So as it was and as it has been for the last 2 years, and unexpected visitor knocked on the door that is your mind. And you welcomed old friend Rage with open arms.

You were not burdened by simple anger anymore. Something changed and transformed anger into rage and loneliness into despair. It was nothing like the usual vampire heightened feelings, it was a thousand times worse. The intensity, the strong, yet sometimes short, but intense feeling of emotions was something else entirely.

When anger would hit you wanted to destroy, cry and scream. You wanted to let out your wickedest thoughts, and you wanted the world to feel your pain.

There was too much energy flowing inside your bones to contain it so you let it out and you did not care who saw you like that.

This was no different.

You chanted into your closed palm and blew it over with a single breath of air. Within an instant, ashen veins burned their skin and invisible hands strangled the air out of their lungs. They tried to scream, tried to beg for their lives, but you let them disintegrate.

Served them right.

The room fell silent, nothing but gasps and retreating footsteps.

“Anyone else?” You addressed the room, but were met with instant silence “Didn't think so.”

You leaned back on the chair, and within another sip of bourbon, a plan of action for dealing with Esther and New Orleans edged itself into your mind. You smiled at the sheer craziness of it all. It was pure suicidal lunacy. It dug up old enemies, made new ones and, upon failure, leave the city in ruins.

Fuck it, you had nothing to lose descending into the crescent.

Next stop; New Orleans.

--------

Neon signs burned in the dawning morning sky, illuminating the streets like a beacon of hope and salvation for the tempted souls wandering in them. The Crescent City was the sort of city where easy living during the day occurred. Tourists wandered the streets, thinking this was where they wanted to get lost in, where they would let themselves go. 

But New Orleans had a darkness that lingered in the shadows. Come nightfall, innocent souls always ended up pulled into the dark abyss by wretched souls that littered the paved streets with their bloodshed.

Unlike their glow, the memories attached to this place that was long forced behind closed doors burned like a forest fire. Unrelenting, yet familiar, like coming home after being away on vacation: Adventures lost, but the familiarity and comfort greater than any hardships that linger.

Almost any at least. 

But his presence lingered around every corner, in every face that passed and in every nook and cranny in this city. It bled his and his family name, even more so since Klaus reclaimed the city's throne. 

You stood where the first stone was placed by the returned King himself decades ago, a fitting starting point you found. From there you descended on your enemies tails. 

“Don't you know that the devil walks among us?”An elderly man, sitting beneath a shadowed street light shouted as you approached from across the street.

“Oh, believe me, I know. I ́ve met him.” You said and dropped a 100 dollar bill in his turned-over hat “ Problem is, there ́s not only one of them. This is New Orleans, we all have horns.” 

You pitied the man, yet you wished you had a belief as strong as his. Something to rage against, to pretend to fight for. Something that burned so deep I inside your soul you had to shout it off of rooftops, smear it down on a piece of paper or whisper into a trusted ear. 

Perhaps you would find it here. New Orleans had tricks up its sleep it left every city in its shadow. And with the current faction war brewing, things were bound to reach a tipping point. 

And no one knew war more than your destination for the night.

The Mikaelson Compound.  

----------------

Timing had no place in the French Quarter. There was no good time for confrontation, no time for rest and certainly no time to waltz into a stronghold unannounced. 

You were aware of that, painfully so, but when timing had no place then neither had fear. He would smell it out, twist it and spit it back on your face. 

Stepping into the spacious courtyard felt like being dragged between the past and future. It was as if laid with a photograph of what lies before you today with another, shine-through one of the past. If the walls could talk they had tales to tell of manoeuvres schemed,  and allies lost, but most of all, they would have told you to run away and never return. 

But this was another point of your plan and was clear it would be the easiest to execute but hardest to stomach. Convincing the self-proclaimed king to join your side.

You followed the sound of paintbrushes stroking on canvas. Ascending the stairs, your feet remembered to navigate the labyrinth and you quickly found your way to his room. You expected to be greeted with a scowl or even a tinge of surprise, instead, you were met with a paintbrush rushing in your direction. Within a blink of an eye and a flick of your wrist, the paintbrush disintegrated to ash. 

“If your intent was the element of surprise, you lost it.”Klaus said, and you could detect the smile through his voice before you saw it “Y/N. I knew we would meet again.”

“Trust me, I tried to avoid it longer. But I can't exactly say no to a bloodbath and I heard this one is gonna be a big mess, so here I am,” You said spectating the strewn about paintings that leaned against the wall. Most where muted colors, full of sorrow. “Damn these are depressing. And I thought your grey period in the '30s was the worst."

“Have you come with a reason or simply to critique my art?”

“Both I guess.” You shrug your shoulders,  “But, let's cut to the chase. Your mother sent me.” His demeanour changed radically, like a sail changing in an oncoming storm “You´ve met her as that Cassie girl, right?”

“You dare come into my home as one of her disciples?” He sounded appalled, disappointed even. His muscle tensed, ready for attack. 

But you knew him. You knew he'd slice first and ask questions later. 

“If you think about attacking me, don't even try. I just have to rub these two fingers together and you´d be immobilized.” 

"I see you accommodated to your new powers. Outright hypocritical if I might add." 

“Can we just have a civilized conversation, please? ”

He raised his eyebrow “Civilized?You?” 

“Look who´s talking.” 

“Let me guess; Esther sought you out to persuade me to accept her foolish deal? To forsake this vessel and take on a new, human body?.”

"That's the plan. Thing is, I don't really follow orders, especially not from her. That is why I ́m here." 

He took the time to study your features, to find some sort of indication of truth or deception. But you looked at him, unwavering.

“Why would you tell me this? To garner my trust? My appreciation, perhaps?” 

“You trust me as much as I trust you, so no. I want to offer you a deal of my own. I'll tell you what she's up to, and you don't annihilate me for working with her.  As easy as that.”

“You ought to play double agent?” He dismissed as if he thought it impossible “How do I make certain you did not promise her the same in exchange for, well, let me guess, everlasting power? A unicorn perhaps?”

“You don't. Then again, you ́re a man of words and not of deeds yourself. How do I know you won't kill me anyway?”  

“What did she offer you?” He repeated, disregarding your question. 

"Kol back from the dead.”  It was the first time you spoke his name in years and it felt like dragging it through dirt with Klaus in the room. It felt wrong, but you continued nevertheless “Now I know what you ́re thinking. Poor girl can ́t live without her love...how tragically cliché. I can, physically, live without him. I can, but I don't want to. He deserves better” You informed, prepared for the onslaught of judgment 

Klaus remained unconvinced still, you saw it on his face. 

“There is one slight inconvenience.” He said, “My wretched mother could easily manipulate your desire to resurrect my brother and operate against you. ”

“I know how to deal with a wretched parent, trust me.”

Wretched was never a strong enough word to accurately describe your father. Violent when drunk, absent when sober and spirit destroying all around. 

“A drunkard is hardly any comparison to the most powerful and deceitful witch the world has ever known.”

“But the desire to send them screaming back to hell is.”  

That made him finally pause and you could swear a smile twitched across his lips. Good. That meant he was warming up. As much as someone like Klaus could. 

 “Look, if you don't want my help, fine. But you know as much as I do that taking down your enemy from the inside requires someone to be a traitor to the cause. You need me.” 

“Why you? I have an army at my disposal, why would I possibly require your help?” 

“I have nothing left to lose. That makes me the dangerous one, and as you know dangerous wins wars.”

-----------------------

Klaus agreed to your deal within your next glass of bourbon at Roussous´s. He stated his concerns in a calm manner, but not without adding life-threatening menaces, disguised in Shakespearean platitudes. Typical Klaus behavior. In a way, you were glad he hadn't changed. It only meant you knew what you were dealing with. 

Esther, on the other hand, was much more unpredictable. When you negotiated your involvement in her operation before involving Klaus, she promised her assistance and the spell to resurrect Kol from the dead. She told you exactly what you wanted to hear, and you could not help but doubt her intentions. But alas, she was the lesser of two evils. 

But at last, one beacon of hope, that had been standing its ground long before Esther crawled out of Hell,  survived the nuisance of time; Roussous

The establishment was in similar condition as it has been since you last saw it. The flooring had the same scratches of battles waged, crumbles in the walls of bodies slammed into and the same stench of old bourbon that soaked to wood to its core.  

There was a booth in the back right in the middle, anchoring both rows on each wall that separated the units. The vantage point from the seats where perfect,  the bar was in sight as well as the exit and the employee side entrance - no matter where you looked, a surprise visit was impossible without being seen. 

It was your and Kol ́s booth back in the day. You declared it so was after Kol invited you dug in there during a sudden rainfall, only days after he invited you to join his families festivities, the night where you chased all the stars in the sky. Before that night, you hid away from prying eyes, mostly Klaus´, to prevent suspicion. 

Klaus had almost caught Kol once as he sneaked out to meet you. Of course, Kol was crafty and had a feeling that his control freak of a brother would follow him eventually. He led him in a different direction when he spotted him and made sure he was truly gone before heading off to find you, here at Roussos.  

You slid into the seat after you had ordered Bourbon at the front and the green leather squeaked with your weight. Once situated, you looked at the wooden pillar behind you, expecting carved initials in them. You and Kol's carved initials. But the dark painted wood did not match. They replaced it.

You brushed your fingers over where your and Kol ́s initials where carved previously, silently chanting a spell you retrieved from a skilled witch in India months ago. You smiled as the initials reappear in the dark wood. Sometimes the past was not meant to be erased, and you were not ready to let them erase him so easily. Not the city folk nor his family, no one. 

Loud buzzing that came from your phone distracted you on your tangent into the past. You looked at the display. Esther. 

“I was just on my way.”  You lied as you picked up her call  “He took the deal just as I thought he would. I fed him some bullshit about taking down the enemy from the inside and he took the bait. “

“Good work. What about the stake?” Esther said. 

She had asked about the white oak on your first meeting and set it as a condition to your mutual agreement. You told her that you had lost the white oak years ago, probably at the hands of Klaus.

“I can ́t exactly snoop around with him there.”

“I want that stake.” She repeated impatiently “No matter what you have to do to get it.”

“You ́ll get it, I promise.” 

“I am not interested in promises, I expect results.” She said and hung up the phone without waiting for an answer. 

“Bitch.”

---------

It was quiet on the other side of the river.  Dangling your feet over the ledge of the tallest building on this side of the river, you tried to remember when you last were surrounded by near quiet Sensory overload around the clock had been your salvation over the last few years, and this silence outright scared you. 

“You're not gonna jump, are you?” A familiar voice cut through the stillness and pulled your knees to your chest to get to your feet. 

“Don't know yet. It's not like it would kill me.”You shrugged.

He moved closer and pulled in for a hug.

“Woah what do you think you're doing?” You held both your hands up and backed away. Marcel saw through your playful rejection immediately and only rolled his eyes “Just because we drank ourselves into oblivion one time doesn't mean I like you. “

“We drank ourselves to oblivion every day for a week straight.” He corrected “I think I deserve a hug. You know, as your friend.”

Marcel stumbled into the bar in New York 2 years ago all teary-eyed and pissed off at the world. And though you did not have the best history, he approached you and poured drink after drink in silence until you were both drunk enough to let the pretences fall. Then you talked. And talked. 

He explained why had escaped New Orleans and sought the comfort of the Big Apple. He was broken-hearted over the loss of Davina, a courageous girl that was like a daughter to him. He swore to protect from a ritual the local witches called the Harvest. She was supposed to be resurrected, but the ritual failed. 

You were both miserable out of different circumstances. But death remained death no matter what kind of love caused such suffering. Talking until the sun came up, sharing the same, overwhelming feelings of grief and the fact you were no strangers to war or the Mikaelsons, lead to you bonding in a way you'd never expect. You would even go as far as to consider Marcel your friend. 

“It's good to see you again.” He said as he let go.

“You too.”  

That was what you liked about Marcel, he was open about what he was feeling in the exact moment. Everyone knew if they were on his good or bad side, he did not leave anyone guessing. It was admirable, if not foolish in a city like New Orleans. 

“What are you doing here? Last time I asked you if you'd ever come back here, you almost burned me alive.”

“Well, things change.” 

“Oh great, I know that look. What are you up to now?”

You stared at the skyline, on the moving water underneath it. You thought about how the ground would shake, how the sky-high buildings would fall to crumbles and how you could level the entire city if you willed it.

“Just the most insane, plan I ́ve ever come up with. I'm playing the entire board. From top to bottom, left to right and it ́ll probably cost me my life. So the usual craziness that is, well, me. No biggie.”

“No biggie if you're dead?” 

“We all die one way or another and technically we´re already did." You paused, bracing yourself to what you had to say next "Besides, it looks like I don't have much time to spare anyway, because-

He saw the near-black blood drop from your nose before you even registered it. He had to take a second look

“Because you're bleeding randomly?”

“Yeah, It's been happening a lot recently. That, and weird bruises that appear as if I ́m in a fight only to heal instantly. Invisible hands that strangle me, memories that are not my own, indescribable rage...the list goes on.”

This drainage of power started two months ago. It came and went in waves as a roll of feverish symptoms and with it came unbearable rage and paranoia. It was severer on a full moon, so it had to be tied to its phases. That much you knew, but that was it.  You consulted grimoire after grimoire and witch after with - no answers. 

“So, I think I'm pretty much doomed already.” You breathed out into the wind “What ́s a little more death gonna do to me?”

“Don't get sentimental on me now. You used to hate me, remember? "

I didn't hate you. Just your boyfriend."  So, that plan of yours. Say the word and I ́ll help you however I can.”

“Remember you said that. You'll wish you hadn't. Let's meet at your place tomorrow. I have to make one more stop on my reunion tour.” 

“You want some company?”

“ I´ll be fine.” If you could not walk alone in New Orleans at night, you might as well have a neon sign around your neck blinking the word soft repeatedly and lie down for a beating. 

"You sure?" He asked again. There was reals concern in his voice now, compared to the level headed and calm manner, it sounded outright strange. 

"This is only the beginning." You said, stepping on the ledge "If I can't handle some espionage, how am I supposed to handle the rest?" With the wind breezing you let yourself fall. 

Marcel smiled and shook his head as the looked over the ledge and saw you speeding away. He knew as much as you did, that descending into the Crescent City, to undermine the war and come out on the other side alive, was near impossible. But he learned that impossible was not in your vocabulary anymore. The War lines have been drawn, and he knows you'd jump between them if you had to. 

Let the games begin..

-------

A/N: And with that, we´re back!!! I hope you liked this first chapter! I wrote most of this back when my fur baby of 13 years passed away, so if it feels detached or anything that might be why. But I thought it would reflect the Sisters situation quite well so I didn´t throw it in the garbage like I wanted to.

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think. Just remember that this is the “housecleaning” chapter. We will find out what the nature of the Readers weird suction of power is, on what side she´s actually on, and what familiar faces will reappear in NOLA. 

All in good time my friends. This is only the beginning...;)

OC Taglist:

 @shadylittlewonder @thegoddessofvampire @newurleans @originalbish98 @acourtofhopeanddreams @bonniebird @imnoaingeal @mizzezm @vaniileiinkeks  @relmi-llorrac @piercethepottorff @maliae14  @5-seconds-of-animals @the-geeky-engineer   @rock-n-magick @flymeawayworld @givemesomehybrid @mikealsonlover @nuteller28 @fandoms-fandoms-everywhere99 @drkplum @fandooomqueenforyou @free-the-fangirl @clockworkballerina @twisted1ginger @superwholocksociopath474   @pacifyprincessxo @mustachio1616 @thealyana @sandyclaws @unicorntrooper @buckysummers​ @sanity-is-overratedxp​ @akshi8278 @lunna-star-8 @graysonmalfoy @woodworthti666 @elenavaldez02 @lilulo-12 @selmasemlan @thelostallycat @characterobsessed @cococola-cocaine @crazyinternetgirl @tvdplusriverdale @-thatgirloverthere-  @alwxadria345 @trymexo  @willieshakesqueer​ @spunky-89 @putyourherohaironstefan @xxdragonagequeenxx @thegingerthatwaited @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven @hinata7346​ @controloffandoms

[fucktheoryquestions]

On The Economics of Higher Education

I would like to ask you a question I've been thinking of for a while, if you have the time. I have just started my PhD in Anthropology in University of Helsinki, and I have been involved in quite a few student campaigns against university reforms (of neoliberal kind). Yet still all our universities are public institutions, there are no tuition fees and all students receive student allowance, so our situation is quite different than in, say, UK and US. I've been able to study two majors without acquiring any debt, which is quite common here. My question is: Do you think university system that is publicly funded and free for all students (and adjunct staff is payed comparatively well) still has some of the irredeemable qualities that you describe in your critique of US elite universities? Best wishes, Viljami Kankaanpää-Kukkonen

Hi, I appreciate the question, thanks for letting me respond publicly so I don’t have to answer it more than once.  

Before I answer your question let me say what perspective I’m speaking from.  I’ve been in the US for 10 years.  My involvement in American academia was mostly at private institutions on the East Coast, though I took a few seminars and spent time at Rutgers and CUNY, as well. Before that, I did my undergraduate education in Berlin at the Free University.  I was in the last generation of students at the FU who graduated with a traditional German Magister degree; even before I graduated, the FU began to implement the accords of the Bologna Process, which aimed to unify educational standards across the EU and which led to a splitting of the Magister degree into American-style BA and MA programs.  I haven’t been involved in European academia in the past 10 years.  My “data” consists in 10-year-old experience with the German system; extensive 10-year-old familiarity with the British and French systems; and passing 10-year-old acquaintance with the Italian and Dutch systems.  I’m sure that higher education in Europe has changed a great deal in the past 10 years in response to the pressures and forces you describe as “neoliberal,” so take everything I say in light of these ongoing developments.  

Very simply put:  the more “Americanized” an educational system becomes, the more its structure and consequences will resemble the structure and consequences of the American education system.  The most distinctive feature of the American university system is its exorbitant cost, and its relation to debt and hence to the labor market.  So the shortest answer I can give you is No, a free or cheap university system does not share all the dangerous implications of the American system.  That said, the disciplinary and organizational nature of the European system is very similar to the American system and growing more so.  I don’t think humans are “rational actors,” but I do think we constantly perform conscious or unconscious cost/benefit analysis, and I think it’s easy to see why the cost of an American higher education is much greater than the cost of a European higher education, not only in dollars but also in anxiety, in preparation, and in non-academic lifestyle commitments required to access and survive the university. The higher the cost of attending a European university becomes, the more that system will resemble the American one 

That’s the short answer, and anyone who’s reading this can feel free to stop reading here; the rest of this post is just an elaboration.  

Your e-mail mentions “other countries” generally, but I’m not comfortable speaking about countries I don’t know enough about. I’ve met and studied with and read papers by academics from all over the world, and I know some vague stories, but that’s not the same thing as having concrete knowledge of economic relations, so I’m going to localize the rest of my response and frame it as a comparison between the American and the European systems with which I’m familiar.  

* 

A free university system cannot engage the same socio-economic relation to the labor market and to personal debt that the American university system currently engages.  The difference has to do with a different relation of the institution to the state and to private capital, as well as to the job market and to relations of labor and production more generally.  For these reasons, I consider the European university less irredeemable and pernicious than the American one.  

It shares many of the same features and problems, especially on the inside of the institution and in the production of knowledge, but I think the social role of the university is less compromised and dangerous and I think European universities could be improved more easily than American ones – for now. As we’ve already noted, the twin ideologies of privatization and austerity are pushing hard to “Americanize” higher education in Europe and elsewhere.  The more successful these efforts are, the more irredeemable the university becomes.

Before I continue, please note that while I’m less critical of the European university system, I’m not holding it up as an ideal or a model or ignoring its very real problems.  For example, I discuss the non-academic (vocational/professional) higher education system in many European countries as opening up more paths to financial stability than are available in the US.  I stand behind that claim, but I’m also very aware that the parallel higher education systems in Europe have a classist function and a classist history, serving mostly to route upper and upper-middle class students to universities and poorer students to vocational schools.  I’m also keenly aware that I went to university in a city (Berlin) that has more Turkish residents than Ankara, but I can count on one hand the number of Turkish students that sat in seminar rooms with me at that university. Etc., etc.  This is not an encomium to the European higher ed system, it’s just a description of some crucial differences.  

There are at least three major differences between the American and the European higher education systems:   

·      Debt

·      Non-academic higher education

·      Public system only vs. public/private dual system

I’ll expand on all these, but first we can observe that despite a profound difference in the economic relations in which the university is embedded, a fascinating aspect of the question is that there is fairly little difference between higher education systems in terms of content and style.  You find the same plodding, obfuscatory writing; the same laborious processes of peer review; the same behind-the-scenes politicking and reputation-based privilege; the same interests and questions, though often with different approaches or angles; and most importantly, the same canon of concepts and thinkers and disciplines.  This fact reinforces my belief that the discourse of the university performs a similar organizing social function (what Gramsci describes as “traditional” intellectual activity) everywhere, regardless of the specific hegemonic structure it’s serving or upholding.  In this context, it’s worth distinguishing a critique of the university as an institution embedded in a specific economy from a critique of the discourses produced in the institution.  These aren’t separate questions:  there’s only one economy.  But these questions operate in different registers, because the critique of the production of knowledge goes all the way back to Plato and beyond while the critique of the university’s current economic entanglements can’t go beyond the material history of those entanglements while remaining in any way immanent.  

Back to the three big differences I listed.

Debt is the biggest one, by far.  

I graduated from a European university debt-free. I paid registration fees every semester and I had to house and feed myself, but I didn’t have to pay exorbitant tuition fees.  I certainly didn’t have to take out a loan at the age of 18 that would follow me the rest of my life.  This difference is the single most important difference, because it doesn’t just change other relations, it changes the weight of other relations.  A damaging situation is bad; a damaging situation is 100 times worse if you have no way of getting out of it or putting it behind you.  

If you’re German and you get into a university and you find it utterly unbearable and traumatizing, you can just leave. You’ve spent some time, you might disappoint yourself or other people, but you’re not in debt, your parents didn’t spend $80,000.  If you’re 20 years old and you’ve already signed the loan papers and you’re $80,000 in debt already after just 4 semesters, you’re going to think really fucking hard about starting over in a different program, or leaving school to do something non-academic.  You’re much more likely to stay on a path you’re not happy with.  And even if you do make the choice to leave, that debt can still follow you around the rest of your life unless you manage to adjust very effectively to a highly profitable new career path.  If you spent $160,000 on a law degree from Yale then start practicing law and discover you absolutely hate it, you’re probably going to practice law for a few years anyway because otherwise you’re changing careers $160,000 in debt (that’s one hundred and sixty THOUSAND dollars).  Minimum wage in Connecticut is currently $10.10 dollars an hour 

Maybe this isn’t the case any more, but 15 years ago in much of Europe, you could decide academia wasn’t for you, leave the university, and get a job in a restaurant that would pay all your bills. In other words, you could shift gears to a much lower-pressure lifestyle without serious consequences.  But imagine if you have serious student debt and you have $500 deducted from your salary each month?  Suddenly you have earn more, even if you want a low-key lifestyle; you take on another job, or you find a job that’s higher-pressure even though you want to shift gears or whatever.  

The costs of debt – in labor, in health, in anxiety – are enormous.  In this way, there is a much tighter and more vicious link between higher education and the labor market in American than in Europe.  There’s no other way to put it – the structure and pressures of the American system mean that Americans have to work, constantly, grindingly, in a way that many (not all) Europeans just don’t have to and honestly can’t understand.  The American system presents a double bind:  either you are bound to the labor market by debt because you did go to school, or you’re bound to the labor market by necessity because you didn’t go to school and are locked out of higher-paying jobs.  The American university system is locked into the economy in a way that presents three options only:  serve the system at the top; serve the system at the bottom; or succeed against all odds by being truly exceptional and carving out a space for yourself alongside the system or breaking into it in an unexpected way. There are very few paths to genuine economic prosperity that don’t run through the university system somehow.  

The situation in the US hasn’t always been so dire; it got bad under Reagan and has been getting worse ever since.  For a couple of decades after World War II, the G.I. Bill and a flood of money to universities made public higher education really affordable in the U.S. for many people.  In the ‘60s or ‘70s in the U.S. (so I’m told, I wasn’t here), you could flip burgers for three months during the summer and save up enough money for a year’s tuition at a good state school if you were an in-state student; I doubt that’s still the case anywhere in the U.S., and certainly not at the more prestigious state schools.    

Now that the American “middle class” has effectively vanished, we can see what role the university had in making that class disappear.  An absolutely crucial element in that process was the defunding of public universities at the state and federal level, which led to massive tuition hikes that have made tuition at the most prestigious public universities almost as high as those at prestigious private ones.  Capitalism played a major role in that process, because university pass their costs on to students by framing the rising costs as the availability of additional features, from trendy new disciplines to massive, ridiculous sports facilities.  This is a “client-centered” approach to education that directly prioritizes students who can afford to pay.  Basically, America no longer has a state-sponsored, debt-free path to prosperity, which Europe still does…for now.  Defunding of universities and tuition hikes are the changes that will most quickly introduce debt as a decisive factor and bring the European system in line with the American one, with massive implications for the entire economy, not just for academia in some isolated, abstract way.  Keeping the European university system free or at least cheap is unspeakably important and probably impossible at this point.  

The relation between the education system and the labor market is also different in that many European countries have vocational or professional higher education that isn’t academic.  That’s the second big difference.  Craft and trade apprenticeships represent an important bloc that has no equivalent in the US, where most internships are professional position you get after you do a BA, and not instead of doing a BA (not always, but often).  There are often but not always alternatives to university-style education in Europe.  German interns (Auszubildende, or Azubis) are usually paid and can access no-interest government loans to support themselves when they aren’t.  Many people I knew in Germany in the 2000s finished an academic Magister degree and then went on to do an Ausbildung in a completely different area (sound design, lighting tech, theater management) which then became their actual career.  Here again the major difference is debt – you don’t need to take on massive debt to study nursing or hotel management in much of Europe – but there is also a difference in the need for critique of the institution.  Simply put, if there are effective non-academic paths to prosperity, academics have less of an ethical obligation to critique and correct their institutions, and the institution has less of an exclusive onus to fight against inequality.  If we consider “university students” as a socio-political bloc, that bloc is much more massive, diverse, and complex in the United States than it would be in much of Europe.  

Third – and this too is linked closely to the question of debt rather than separate from it – a major difference between the US and Europe is the long-standing existence in America of extremely wealthy private universities.  In Europe until recently there weren’t many private institutions of higher education. This was changing rapidly even while I was still there, and I’m sure it’s gotten worse.  However, it will take a long time before new institutions acquire the prestige and surplus capital which American private universities already have.  

The brilliant scheme of the American private university is that it took up the model and the rhetoric of the European, post-Enlightenment liberal university, but without sharing or adopting its economic model, which is that of a state-operated and –funded institution. The American private university is a European liberal shell over a fundamentally different economic motor, which is basically a massive private endowment of religious origin.  The biggest American universities weren’t started to train scholars, they were started to train preachers; in this, they had more to do with the medieval canon school than with the post-Enlightenment liberal university. These universities acquired private wealth and land in the manner of traditional Catholic institutions, not in the manner of liberal European universities; now, centuries later, these institutions are basically giant pools of privately-held capital which have an enormous impact on the education, labor, leadership, scholarship, and values of the United States and, indeed, the world, but without any of the regulations that state-funded and –controlled institutions have to endure.  These institutions are first and foremost corporate brands and wealth managers; they only teach students incidentally, as a kind of favor to the rich whose money they manage, but despite this they exert an enormous and unhealthy influence on higher education all over the world.  For decades, the public university system in the US has worked extremely vigorously to imitate the private model, where instead the American public should have demanded the divestment of property from private universities, or at least an end to their tax-exempt status.  

The impact of these institutions can scarcely be overestimated, but they are only the keystone of a vast system that all works together to produce and enforce inequality in the United States.  Because the university is an instrument of hegemony and because capitalist hegemony always depends on inequality, the university under capitalism will always be in some ways an instrument and an enforcer of inequality.  This statement is always true, but for that reason also fairly banal, because it doesn’t engage with any actual, specific material relations.  The difference – as of now – is in the degree to which the entire system interlocks to trap and control the individual.  Simply put, because in Europe there is less systemic inequality, less poverty, and more options for non-academic upward mobility (not many, but more than in the U.S.), the effect of the European university can’t be considered as pernicious and total as the effect of the American university. That doesn’t mean there isn’t much to correct and improve, it just means that capitalism has long tended to workshop its oppressions in the Americas first and then exported them elsewhere.   

European systems, which have traditionally been national or nationalized, tended to have a single centralized application system and held rigidly to unitary standards of admission and education across the national system, even if certain schools had a better “name” or were more popular. But even before I left Germany, there were already efforts to declare certain universities in the national system “centers of excellence” and to pump money into those places.  A major symptom of Americanization is the establishment of a corporate institutional hierarchy, often based equally on actual funding and on institutional PR, between universities in the public system.  This idealistic appeal to merit and excellence justifies budgetary inequalities which in turn serve both to defund “less excellent” disciplines and to center education on the interests of funders and not students.  Here too a “client-centered” corporate approach claims to serve students but is actually a pretense for increasing inequalities between them, and here too the same conclusion follows as above:  the more tiered and hierarchical the national European systems become, the more inequalities will emerge that resemble those of the American system.  

 Another big difference between the US and Europe traditionally has been a much higher European emphasis on the humanities and “human sciences.”  Scientists have always looked down on poets, but until fairly recently in Europe, it was equally the case the poets had the opportunity to publicly and emphatically look down on scientists.  When I first lived in Germany as a teenager, I remember regularly seeing literary critics, poets, screenwriters, and other kinds of art and humanities people on TV, in panel discussions (broadcast on daytime network television!) and in newspapers. This too had begun to change by the time I left Germany, and I’m sure it has gotten worse.  There’s a reciprocal pressure between intellectuals and institutions devaluing the humanities and the general public devaluing the humanities; as humanities programs disappear from the university humanities programming disappears from mass media.  A primary ideological function of the university in modern society is to tell people what’s important and what counts as real knowledge.  There are direct and significant consequences to the logic of quantification and its Four Horsemen, S, T, E, and M.  Global warming would be easier to fight if so many people weren’t convinced life is impossible without tech, for example.  These societal ideological formations don’t begin or end with the university, but they are upheld by it, promoted by it, and routed through it.  Consider for example the ways in which STEM professions are dependent on corporations in a way that many humanities jobs aren’t.  You can be a high school teacher pretty much anywhere if you speak the language; good luck being a freelance molecular biologist and crowdsourcing a lab. There are material and economic and personal consequences to ideological formations, that’s the whole point of enforcing an ideology, whether consciously or not.  Here too it’s a question of degree; we already see the process happening. How far will you let it go?  You often hear administrators tell you that the emphasis on STEM comes from students, who just don’t care about literature the way they used to.  In my experience, this is nonsense.  The proportion of humanities-oriented students and science-oriented students in the average classroom doesn’t change; what changes is the number of students who feel pressured or obligated to try and be science people when they’d rather be studying literature.  That is my experience only, I haven’t done any studies.  

The importance of fighting to keep European higher education free and accessible doesn’t rest on some liberal ideals of education and equality, but on the very real functions that higher education plays in the general economy, and in the relations of labor and production that express that economy.  The European university often serves the interests of industry and private capital, but it is an arm of the state and transmits the values of the state and is susceptible to the pressures of private capital roughly to the same degree that the state itself is.  But in America, the leading universities are expressions and instruments of private capital.  They are inseparable from it, and they serve as instruments with which private capital applies pressure to the state, rather than as an apparatus of the state on which private capital applies pressure. 

At the moment, the differing economic and social relations within which it is embedded make the European university less broken and less harmful than the American university, and with more potential for reparative change.  But even as American global hegemony collapses, economic “Americanization” is on the rise everywhere.  How far it will go, and what traditional institutions are destroyed or altered in the process, remains to be seen.  

[namjoonsteeth]

Ruin The Friendship (part IV)

Title: Ruin The Friendship (mini-series) Part 4

Word-Count: 6.4k

Pairing: Jay Park/ Reader (kinda)

Summary: Best friends to lovers. Inspired by Ruin The Friendship - Demi Lovato.

Genre: Smutty Fluff

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5

We fall into a routine.

He’s working on an album right now on top of tons of collaborations. In the morning, I can account for him to be either at the studio or the gym. I work at my studio with Bora preparing for award season. We book a lot of consultations and do hours of research to the point that we could name menswear by designer from this season.

At night Jay’s at the studio. He works into the morning often, sending me snippets of him singing riffs. Sometimes, he’s at my door at two o’clock in the morning, a sleepy smile on his face. Other times it’s me, climbing in his bed waiting until he slips in beside me.

We talk a lot. We talk about how different our lives are compared to how we thought it would be. We talk about each other, we talk about love and hope, and wanting more still.

We have sex; slow, hot, and tired; rough, knee-shaking, fucks; quick mid-day romps that leave us wanting more but holds us over until we can get our hands on each other again.

Most importantly, we laugh. I’ve long since gotten used to the universe knowing that I’m in love with my best friend. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is about him that made it essential for me to love him the way that I do. I don’t think I’ll ever really get an answer. I just know that he’d always meant to be apart of my life. From childhood to adulthood, we’d found each other again and again.

Jay: I think this is the ugliest picture I have of you.

We’ve been doing this for the past hour. He includes a picture of me that I’m sure is hidden somewhere deep in my parents’ basement back home in Seattle. I’m crying hysterically over a pair of concert tickets on Christmas morning. My hair sticks up in every direction which luckily (I think) draws attention away from the reindeer pajamas my mom pressured my sister and I into wearing. I’m at least sixteen by the way; old enough for this to be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Y/n: Burn it. You win.

Jay: I’ll delete it if you replace it...

I roll my eyes. The idea of sending nudes has never been something I really scoffed at. I’ve done it at least twice in my life. But there’s just something about how bad Jay wants a photo of my body that he’s sees almost every night that has me feeling a little bit powerful. I’m not ready to relinquish that yet.

Y/n: the porn industry is a million dollar business for a reason

Jay: it’s not the sameee😩😩

Y/n: just delete the damn picture Jay

Jay: nope. I think I found my next WCE picture

Y/n: im not having sex with you until you delete the picture

Jay: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Jay: Says the girl who begs me to come over at four in the morning.

Dammit. He’s right.

Y/n: That was one time and I was hormonal.

My phone rings, Jay’s face flashing.

“What do you want?”

He laughs and I’m so glad he’s at work instead in front of me because I can’t even pretend to be upset at him when he laughs. Bora shoots me a look from her desks. I think she’s a little confused as to how Jay and I actually like each other when we’re bickering every other minute.

“Is this how you treat me? After I spent all night letting you have your filthy way with me,”

“You’re probably the most annoying person in South Korea,”

“You love me,” he says.

“I do,” I tell him. We don’t say it often. Sometimes I whisper it at night when I’m sure he’s half asleep and the only response I get is his arms tightening around me as if he’s saying, ‘Yeah, me too,’. Or sometimes when he feels too good sliding against me, I think the words so hard that they slip out.

“Did you tell Bora about Henz tonight?”

“I did. She’s in,”

Jay has been working non-stop since he came back from the states two weeks ago. And because he feels like going out tonight, we’re going out. It’s been a while since I’ve been out with Jay and his friends.

The day passes slowly. Bora and I finalize Zino’s look and pack away everything neatly for next week. She laments again about how she’ll be so lonely in LA without me. I assure her that her boyfriend Jin will more than make sure she has a good time. Giving my plane ticket to Jin seems to be becoming more and more of a good idea.

As much as Jay pushed me into the decision a little, I know it was a good one. I can’t lie and pretend that if the tables were turned, I’d be 100% comfortable with him on a weekend trip with someone I’m not fond of. I trust him. I really do, but I’m selfish enough to want every part of him to myself.

By the end of our day, Bora promises to see me in a few hours and we lock up the studio. I take an Uber back to Jay’s place where I’d left an overnight bag for tonight. I sleep until Jay gets in, waking me up by laying his whole body on me.

“Come on, man,” I groan failing to push his heavy body off of me.

He laughs, holding his body rigid like he’s planking.

“Get off of me you weigh so much,” I say tiredly. He rolls over, pulling my body into his arms.

“Come on, baby. Get up, I miss you,”

“I was sleeping,” I groan into his chest. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s getting woken up. He knows this. He’s been on the receiving end of my wrath plenty of times, yet he doesn’t care.

“It’s about to be nine,” he says, his arms around me. I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I had an alarm set,”

“Too bad,” he laughs. “Get up, it takes you at least four hours to do your makeup,”

“Shut up, it doesn’t,” I yawn and stretch out my body against him. “Give me another hour. Just lay here with me,”

His arm drapes across my face. “Ok, baby,”

I fall asleep again while Jay taps away on his phone, he plays sound clips really quietly, holding the phone to his ear. When it’s time to get up again, I shower and get dressed while he spends another hour in bed. I finish my light make up and by the time I’m done, he’s right where I left him looking like a whole model. He’d changed into a silk patterned top, tucked halfway into his dark jeans. His hair is gelled up a little.

He stands when he sees me, a cute wide smile on his face. He pulls me against his chest. He smells clean, like the soap I’ve been using every time I stay over. A hand moves up my leg, sliding beneath my dress and settling on my ass.

“We have to go,” I smile up at him. My arms come up around his neck, drawing him close.

He brushes his knuckles across my jaw while his other hand squeezes at my flesh. He looks at me like he’s ready to call the whole night off. All he has to do is say a single word and the dress would be on the floor.

“You look beautiful baby,” he tells me. His tongue presses to the corner of his mouth, his eyes going to my lips.

I look down at myself. A curve-hugging basic red T-shirt dress that brushes the top on my thighs, and black high heeled boots that just barely meet the hem. I’d thrown a denim jacket over my shoulders to keep from freezing to death. It’s nothing special by far. There’s no point in doing the most when it’s all going to be thrown on my floor later. I’d be lucky if my impatient boyfriend doesn’t end up ripping some part of this outfit tonight. Still, the way he looks at me makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. And it hits me like a punch to the chest; I’ve seen this look before. When he’d stepped off the plane when he went back home to Seattle all that time ago,  and when he’d picked me up from ICN just three years ago.

I lean up to press my lips against his. His arms flex around my waist, holding me tight against his body. The kiss only lasts a few short seconds, but it’s so sweet I’m not ready to pull away from him yet.

“I’m proud of you,” I tell him. I think I’ve said it a thousand times and yet he just keeps doing more, being better, becoming who he wants to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done letting him know. Tonight feels different though. Like we’ve finally arrived where we’ve been meant to be all these years. I’m still right next to him. He’s still rooting for me.

His hands smooth down my dress before he laces his fingers with mine. I reach up to smudge away the red lipstick that’s smudged on the side of his lips. It’s funny how domesticated we’ve become in the last three weeks; easily as if there’s no other way to be.

“Thank you,” he says before pressing his lips against my jaw.

He pulls me through his living room toward the door and I grab my purse on the way out. I follow behind him until we get out front. He moves aside so I can slide in the back of the Uber he’d called for before he slides in beside me. His arm comes around my shoulders.

“Is it bad that I don’t even want to go out anymore?” Jay asks with half a smile, looking at his phone.

I don’t really want to go out either but I think my reasons are completely selfish in comparison to his. He always looks good, but tonight I want to pull him out of that Gucci silk top.

“You can’t work yourself to death,” I tell him, pushing a piece of hair off of his forehead.

“I know, I know. I just,” he trails off for a second, looking out the window of the car. He’s been very introspective lately. I see it on his face. As much as he doesn’t like to let on, I know he’s a little scared. The music industry, especially in the states isn’t guaranteed. He’s willed all of this good stuff to happen on his own, but a record label as big as Roc Nation is a new world. He’s had experiences with a large company before and it almost stopped him in his tracks before he’d had a chance.

“I want to do good,” he says finally.

“I don’t think it’s possible for you not to,” I tell him. “Look at everything you’ve made for yourself, by yourself. You succeed. It’s just what you do,”

“And if I don’t?”

“You’ll still own my heart and this ass,” I joke smiling at him.

He laughs shaking his head at me.

“For whatever it’s worth,” I say seriously. “I’ll be here. I’ve always been here,”

He leans in to kiss me again, his tongue gliding over my bottom lip. It’s making it a little hard for me to be excited about having him out of my bed when he touches me like everything from now on is just a precursor for what’s sure to happen later. I wonder if this is how it always is with everyone else; going through the day just so we can get back to touching each other in the dark away from the world.

When he pulls away I roll my eyes at his mouth. I pull out a makeup remover wipe from my person and wipe his lips before starting to reapply my lipstick.

“Can’t you use like clear or something? I can’t kiss you if you’re wearing that shit,” he pushes his bottom lip out.

“You’re not going to be kissing me at all because you’re going to go have fun with your friends while Bora and I stay on the dance floor,”

As always it’ll be a big deal when Jay shows up tonight. He commands the attention regardless of the occasion. Tonight is all about him, and I want him to have as much fun as he usually does without looking over at me every few seconds.

We pull up to Henz before he can say anything. I see Bora and her boyfriend Jin waiting outside for us. The line wraps around the building as if word got out that Jay would be in tonight. He grabs my hand, pulling me behind him as we exit the car. We greet Bora and Jin as Jay guides us toward the entrance, bypassing the line. I shake myself free of Jay.

“Go have fun,” I tell him.

He shoots me a look just as Bora shoos her own boyfriend away. Everyone has already spotted him, pushing him toward the closed-off section some of his friends are in. I’m sure there are tons of people over there that’ll help him celebrate.

“I’m going to get a drink. We’ll meet up with you guys later,”

“You can get a drink brought to you over there,” he yells over the music.

“I’ll text you,” I tell him, blowing a kiss and leaving toward the bar. Bora’s hand finds mine as we make our way through the crowd.

“You’re the only girl I know that would leave Jay Park in a club full of women,”

“I trust him,” I say dodging out of the way of a girl who’s carrying one too many shots.

“I know it’s not him I’m worried about. There are already girls moving to get their hands on him,”

I look behind me to see that she’s right. People are going crazy as he makes his way toward VIP. From here I can see a few aomg and h1ghermusuc guys welcoming him into the small section. The smile on his face is enough to know that I made the right decision to keep my distance for a little while. It’s been a little time since he’d last came out like this, with his friends just to enjoy the night. I don’t want him catering to me like I know he’d do.

“I guess it’s a good thing I’m the only one that gets to take him home then,” I smile at her while we wait for a spot at the bar.

An hour later and Jay and his friends have commandeered the club just as I expected. They all take turns performing their songs and just generally having a good time. When the DJ makes an announcement, shouting out Jay’s new label deal, the club gets amped up just a little more. I can’t keep the stupid grin off of my own face at my boyfriend’s face. He’s happy. He’s enjoying himself, and it’s all that’s ever mattered to me.

He catches my eye, his head tilting for me to come join him at the center of the attention. I shake my head and wave him off. His lips poke out in the cutest pout but he lets it go. Bora and I linger close to the bar, away from the crowd but close enough to keep eyes on our guys.

“It’s kind of amazing how they kind of just turned this into their show,” Bora notes. She watches as Loco takes the mic and the first notes of a song further hype the crowd.

I nod, tilting my drink back until it’s finished. “It’s a little overwhelming,”

“Get used to it, babe,” she tells me. “The way he looks at you, it’s ridiculous that you guys are only just starting out,”

I laugh and look at her. “How does he look at me?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know like he’s always been in love with you. It’s just weird to see you guys be so domesticated so quickly,”

“He’s been my best friend for years,” I remind her.

“How did you watch all of this; the girls and the parties and not feel,” she trails off.

“Jealous? I don’t know. I just knew he’d always belonged in my life in any way he fit, I made room. And he did the same,”

I think about all the times I had to distance myself from him a little because of someone I was dating and he wordlessly just understood. We adjusted.

“You guys are disgusting,” she laughs. I can’t disagree with her.

Suddenly, Bora slaps my arm. Her eyes follow someone who steps up behind me. I look back. It’s Zino. I inwardly roll my eyes at his dimples smirk. He pushes his hair back out of his face.

“What a nice surprise,” he smiles at Bora and me.

“Nice to see you,” Bora greets.

I manage a smile, thinking about the small fight he’d indirectly caused between Jay and I. It wasn’t his fault. In fact, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. I can’t hold him accountable for anything. After all, Jay was the one who slept with his girlfriend.

“Let me buy you another drink,” he offers, eyeing my empty glass.

“Oh no, I’m good. Thank you anyway,”

Zino nods stuffing his hands in his pockets. An awkward silence falls over the three of us. He works with Bora more than I, so they should be able to hold a decent conversation.

“I’d like to apologize,” he says suddenly, his eyes on me. “I think I must have offended you the other week,”

“No,” I shake my head. I still haven’t figured out a way to explain that my boyfriend doesn’t like him and wants us to not be associated in any way, which is the reason I’ve decided not to go on the free LA trip he’d offered. “It’s ok. I’m just,”

God this is uncomfortable. “We’re busy,” Bora offers for me. “Y/n forgot we had clients booked for award season during next week,”

He twists his lips, chewing on the corner. I don’t know if he’s buying it. Instead of responding, he orders a beer before turning back to us.

“So business is good?”

I nod. “Yeah, everything is good,”

He tilts his beer at the stage. “Jay’s doing well?”

I don’t know why I feel so protective of Jay. I’m immediately on the defensive when Zino mentions his name.

“Yeah, he’s doing really well. He just signed a deal with Roc Nation,”

“I heard,” he says taking another sip of the beer in his hand. Another awkward silence settles around us.

I clear my throat looking around subtly for an excuse to get out of his space. A sudden push in the crowd forces the three of us closer. Zino’s shoulder presses against me. With Bora on my other side, there’s really nowhere to go.

“So, why are you guys not up there with them,” he asks.

I shrug. “It’s a little crazy up there,”

We all look at the guys jumping around up front. It looks fun and I’m sure it is, but it’s a lot. Zino laughs shaking his head as someone stands on a speaker. He reaches behind me to sit his bottle on the bar, his arm brushes my side slightly.

“What about you Bora,” he leans in to look at her on the other side of me. “No boyfriend tonight?”

She gestures behind her. “Jin’s up there somewhere. Probably completely out of his comfort zone, but he’s somewhere in the mix,”

I feel a hand behind me touch my waist. When I turn around, I’m met with my boyfriend’s hard face.

“Let’s go,” he whispers in my ear.

I frown at him. “That’s fine but we can’t just leave Bora here,”

“He’s making his way through,” he says tugging me further away from Zino.

“It’s ok, Y/n, I see him. Text me in the morning,” she says.

Jay leads me through the crowd. When we make it outside, he silently pulls out his phone to call a car. He puts space between us as we wait.

“What the hell is your problem?” I ask quietly. He hears me though. His grip on my waist tightens slightly. There are people watching, I’m sure. We’re running the risk of pictures of the two of us all over the Internet, something else I wanted to avoid tonight.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” he says. His eyebrows pinch into a frown. He looks at his phone, check where our Uber is.

“Jay,” I call him. He says nothing, his lips twisting to the side like he’s trying to hide a scowl.

“For fuck sakes-,”

He kisses me hard, taking the words out of my mouth. His tongue touches mine roughly. His hand snakes up to grip the nape of my neck. The way he kisses me, it shouldn’t be done in public. Yet, we’re here in front of the biggest club in Seoul, kissing like we’re in a bedroom.

When he pulls away, his forehead leans against mine.

“Just stop talking, Y/n,”

Our car pulls up right in front of us. Jay opens the back door for me. I slide in and he follows behind me. The drive feels like it takes forever. He barely looks at me. The tension is palpable. I watch the lights that pass hit his twitching jawline. He supposed to be mad but I’m so turned on I can’t see beyond the hard set of his mouth. I don’t know if it’s the two drinks I had that has my skin buzzing to touch his or the kiss. Either way, my hand slides up his thigh without me actually realizing it. He grips my fingers stopping them from going any further.

When we’re in front of the building, he tips the driver, slides out and waits for me to follow. He grips my hand and pulls me along upstairs.

“You’re mad?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m fucking mad,”

We step into his place. I reach out to hold on to his shoulder so I can slip my shoes off. He stands still, letting me lean against him. When I’m finally barefoot, I wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head up.

“Are you jealous?” I ask.

He stays silent, avoiding my gaze. I press my lips against his jaw that’s wound tight. I trail my mouth down his throat. He tugs at my arms. They drop to my side.

“You can’t seriously think that I’m interested in anyone else,” I roll my eyes. When he still doesn’t speak I slide past him.

“You’re fucking ridiculous,”

“He touched you,” Jay says finally. “He touched you and he stared at your body and when he saw that I was watching, he gave me the biggest fucking smile, Y/n,”

“It’s not like I fucked him, Jay,”

“He wants to fuck you though,”

I sigh, rubbing at my temples. This isn’t how I saw my night going. I should be wrapped around him by now, discovering eighty new ways to get him to bite his lip the way he does when he’s feeling extremely good.

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me, though,”

“You put yourself in that position, Y/n. I told you to come up with me and the next thing I see is him all over you,”

“I’m not even entertaining this conversation,” I say walking away to head toward the shower. His hand on my hip stops me. I look up at him, the thunder in his eyes back.

“I’m selfish, Y/n. I don’t like other people wanting what’s mine,”

I open my mouth to tell him very matter of factly that I don’t belong to him. I’m not a piece of property. His mouth on mine stops any words. He kisses me hard, our teeth knocking together. I sigh against him, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. He stops me, gripping both of my wrists in his hands. He walks us backward until my back hits the wall behind me. He pins my wrists against the wall above my head.

“He touched you,” he says against my lips.

His mouth moves down my neck, biting at my skin. His hand tightens around my wrists, holding them above my head. My hips move against his, grinding against the bulge in his pants. His free hand pushes my dress up my thigh, exposing my thin lacy underwear. His fingers pull roughly at the fabric, and I hear the material tear.

“You owe me a pair of underwear,” I moan against his lips that fall on me.

Only illuminated by the light streaming in from outside, he’s like a dream. His light skin reflects yellow light, drawing the dark lines of his tattoos into focus. The only response I get is his fingers tightening around me. He uses his hand to lift my thigh around his waist, pinning my body against the wall with his hips.

“Keep your hands here,” he instructs, his grip loosening on my wrists. I do as I’m told enjoying the fire in his eyes. His gaze doesn’t leave mine as he opens his pants so he can pull himself out. Once he pulls a condom on, he grabs my wrists again. He pulls them down, pushing them against my chest as he plunges into me hard.

He moves against me fast, anchoring me in place with a hand on my hip. My legs wrap around his waist, drawing him closer. When my hips start to move with his, his fingers dig into my skin roughly. It feels too good. He holds me too tightly, fucks me too hard. I don’t last more than a few short minutes, my muscles spasm around him, my legs going slack. He reaches down, grabbing my thighs while he carries me to the couch. He lays me down, his body coming over mine.

“Jay,” I call, reaching up to grab at his slick hair. His mouth comes hard against mine again. Teeth pull at my bottom lip, roughly. He tastes too good to let him pull away. I hold his head against mine, kissing him until I’m gasping for breath.

His hips start to lose their rhythm as he chases after his own orgasm. His face falls into my neck, as he groans against me.

“Fuck, Y/n,”

I pull him tighter against my body, his sweat falling on my own skin. I don’t want to move. I could lay here for the rest of my life with the taste of him in my mouth and his body pressed to mine. He pulls away too quickly, going to the bathroom. I wait for him to come back. When he doesn’t, I sit up, pulling the dress back in place. I hear the shower cut on just as I start to approach.

*He really fucking left me there*

I haven’t been on the receiving end of Jay’s anger before. After being so high, I’m left feeling empty. But I know how he operates. He wants me to go after him, to beg him to talk to me, but I won’t. He’s mad at me because he can’t let this thing with Zino go. Even if I tell him how fucking ridiculous it is for him to feed into a grudge that really makes no difference now, he’ll still think I’m not taking his side.

Loyalty has always been a big thing for him, and I get it. But there comes a point where you have to see beyond what’s right in front of you. I don’t think I have to tell Jay that I don’t want Zino, or that I’m so stupid in love with him that it’s ridiculous. I hurt his pride, at the end of it, but that not for me to deal with.

I take a shower in the bathroom down the hall, ignoring the bruises that are already starting to appear on my skin. When I’m finished getting ready for bed, I slide in beside his still body.

“Did I hurt you?” He asks in the dark.

“No, I liked it,” I whisper.

He says nothing but shifts so that his back is toward me. I roll my eyes in the dark.

“You’re not talking to me now?”

He says nothing.

“God, sometimes, I can’t deal with you,”

I still get nothing.

“You’ve been with tons of women. And I had to see it all Jay. Not once did I hold it against you. All he does is talk to me, and you freak out like I’m some toy of yours he’s playing with without asking first,”

“It’s not the same thing,” Jay says. “We weren’t together,”

“I loved you the same way I do now, so don’t give me that shit. You’re embarrassed because you think he’s going to do to you what you did to him,”

“Don’t say it like that,”

“Fucking grow up, Jay,”

He stays silents which infuriated me even more. I turn, pushing my feet against his ass and kick him.

“Get up. Get up and talk to me,”

“Ow, Y/n, what the fuck,”

I push until he finally sits up. I can’t see his face but I can imagine that if looks could kill I’d been dead ten times over.

“This is how it works. I talk to whoever I want. Out of respect for you, I decided not to directly work with the guy, but I’m not going to ignore someone who is paying my business for service,”

“He’s just trying to get to me, Y/n. He’s not going to leave you alone because he knows how much it’ll kill me if,” he trails off not finishing his sentence. He doesn’t have to.

“You think I’d do that to you? You think I’m not so fucking crazy about you that’ll it makes me sick just thinking about anyone else touching me?”

“Y/n-,”

“I’m going home,” I slide out of the bed, looking for my phone to call an Uber to my apartment. I grab the first pair of pants I see and luckily they’re mine from when I left them here at some point. I slip them on. Ignoring Jay’s hands that grab for me.

“You can’t be mad at me when I’m mad at you,” he says, blocking the doorway.

I ignore him and push past to get my shoes from his living room. I grab my purse and pull it over my shoulder.

“I did nothing wrong, Jay. You don’t get to fuck me and then treat me like I’m part of the problem,” I cross my arms over my chest. We’ve fought more in the last month than we have throughout our whole friendship.

“I won’t keep going in this circle with you about Zino,” I tell him. My phone vibrates letting me know that my car is outside. “So, I’m going to go home. I don’t want you to call me until you figure out your own shit,”

“How did I become the one in trouble?”

“Because you’re acting like a child. Honestly Jay, the silent treatment?”

“What do you want me to say, Y/n? I’m sorry?”

“I want you not to treat me like shit,” I feel my eyes prick. I don’t want to cry in front of him. As upset as I am, I know he’ll feel a thousand times worse if he knows he made me cry. Still, moisture pools in my eyes and drop down my cheeks. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I love him. I love him and I don’t want to fight with him. We get limited time together and here we are arguing at three in the morning.

I turn away from him to wipe my eyes. It’s no use. My shoulders start to shake. I wrap my arms around myself, moving through the apartment to gather the rest of my things.

“Y/n, don’t do that. Come on,” he sees it. His arms come around me as he pulls me against his chest. My face presses against his skin making it impossible for him not to feel my tears smudge against him.

“Shit, please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ok?” He rubs at my back but it only makes me tear up more. He lifts me off the ground and carries me back to his room. He sits on the edge of his bed and pulls me into his lap. His thumb comes beneath my eyes, wiping away the moisture.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“For making me cry or for being a dickhead?” I ask through tears.

He holds my face between his hands, forcing me to look at him.

“Both, Y/n. You don’t know how I feel about you. You’ve always been mine. When someone tries to threaten that,” he sighs, pulling my mouth against his. I don’t know how I always end up here, kissing him like he didn’t just make me upset. He has that thing about him. He can charm his way out of every situation.

“I want to go,” I say pulling away from him. “I don’t want to be here right now,”

His forehead presses against mine, his eyes close tightly. I don’t know why he’s doing this to us. We’re fine, actually more than fine we’re perfect until his head gets in the way.

“Sleep here and I’ll take the other room,” he says.

I don’t trust myself not to seek him out later tonight. I think we’re too used to each other. We need a little space. I stand off his lap and gather up my stuff. I have to call the Uber back because he’s long gone.

“I’m going to go,” I tell him clearing my throat. “I’ll call you,”

“Don’t leave,” he says, his fingers lace with mine pulling me back into his arms. His lips press to my neck. “Don’t leave,” he repeats against my skin.

I’m so weak. I’ve always been so weak for him. He looks at me with those brown eyes like he wants to keep me in this room just to love me for the rest of his life. The way he makes me feel, it’s intoxicating. It’s addicting. And I know his heart. I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. I know he loves me beyond the sun and the moon.

Sometimes I wish I’d didn’t know him as well as I do. I wish I hadn’t gotten the chance to fall in love with every single part of him. It’s making me weak.

“It’s late,” he says. It’s nearly four. Too early in the morning for us to be even having this conversation. He’s right, though. I can’t imagine I’d go to my empty apartment and feel any better.

I look at him, his eyes are tired and a little bloodshot. He bites at his lip while he waits for my answer. His hair is a mess. Still, he’s so pretty my heart aches. I press my hand against the compass tattooed into his skin. My thumb tracing the points.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too,” he tells me quickly like he’s afraid I’ll go if he hesitates.

“I know,” I tell him. “But do you know that I love you? All of you, even the parts that drive me freaking crazy,”

“I’m sorry, Y/n-,” he goes to apologize again but I interrupt him.

“I don’t think you know. I don’t think you realize how much I love you, Jay,”

“I’m going to do better with you, Y/n. You just have to let me get used to him being around you,”

“It’s work, Jay. He’s just a guy. I shouldn’t have to tell you that I’m on your side,”

His hand spreads out on my thigh. “I know, baby,”

I stand from his lap again and step out of the joggers I’d pulled on. I climb back in bed behind him and reach my hand out for him to join me. I won’t be able to sleep if I know he’s just in the other room. At least that’s how I rationalize it. I ignore the fact that once again I’m sweeping just how hurt I am under the rug and hoping for the best.

Jay grabs my hand and settles beside me, pulling me against his chest. I trace my fingers over the ridges in his back.

“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he says.

“You’re too good for me,”

“Yeah, probably,” I yawn.

He laughs, taking my lips in the dark. He kisses me so thoroughly, that I forget that I’m supposed to be mad at him. I want him again. He’s turned me into a fiend. I suppress the urge to climb on top of him. Instead, I pull away and cuddle deeper into his chest.

He falls asleep quickly after that. He’s never not touching me during the night. His arm stays wrapped around me, or his hands grip my flesh, either way, he keeps me close. I stay up. To go from not having a single issue with someone for years to this. It’s just one thing, I tell myself. It’s just one thing that we have to get over and then we can get back to being us.

With so many pent-up feelings to literally last more than a decade, we’re just now being able to express them. It’s his personality, he’s competitive, he just doesn’t like the guy. I make excuses because the alternative, losing him, isn’t an option.

I shut my eyes finally, curling closer to him. He pulls me against his side tightly. All thoughts of anything other than how good it feels for him to hold me gets forced out. I don’t think about work, Korean rap stars, award shows. It all gets lost in the cadence of his breaths.

[leezardweezard]

any of the ones u wanna answer and/or are comfortable to

Thanks man!!!!!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Inconceivable

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgivethem?

No, but maybe someday I’m not sure yet

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats?? Was I supposed to think of something more specific

4: what’s something you really want right now?

I would like to be on T, that’d be cool. Also I really want to be rich at all times of the day everyday.

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

No?? I used to think I was until I figured out being aro was a thing now I’m pretty indifferent.

6: do you like the beach?

I am. So tired. Of the beach. “It must be nice to live by the beach, the ocean’s so beautiful.” Imagine a good tv show that you like. Pick a few episodes of that show. Now watch that show everyday in summer for years because your parents can’t really afford to drive an hour away just to entertain you and you only have one friend that invites you to their house and your town has the entertainment value of a blank wall you aren’t allowed to draw on so you go. To the beach. You get tired real fast.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

With someone else? Don’t think so. Unless you count those couches that are also pull-out beds then yes.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

Just the default background it came with. 

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my two little brother’s, and a hotel bed.

10: do you like your phone?

Yeah

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Nope

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

Probably rottweiler I know a dog who’s a rottweiler mix she’s so cute!! I love her. She’s a very strong girl.

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

I think I’d have to say emotional. Physical pain can sometimes come with emotional pain, but when it doesn’t it’s less bad for me.

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Probably zoo.

16: are you tired?

I am ALWAYS tired.

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

A couple years I think?

18: are they a relative?

No, it’s actually my brother’s friend’s mom. I try to keep the numbers of their moms so that if I’m babysitting I can call them.

19: would you ever consider getting back together with anyof your exes?

I don’t have exes.

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared akiss with?

Months ago.

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marrythem today?

Hell nah. I’m a child. 

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None.

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

Nope.

26: do you have any tattoos?

No, but I’d like some. I want my first one to be of a cryptid. Not mothman, that’ll be my second one.

27: what is your favorite color?

I like the greens you can see on peacock feathers? Don’t know what it’s called. I like green.

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Never I don’t know

29: who are you texting?

Nobody. You know who texts me the most? My brother and I live with him.

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissedthem on a couch?

No, what’s with this thing with couches?

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going tohappen and you were right?

Well yes. 

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talkto?

Yeah but we don’t talk frequently.

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Right now? No.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe I don’t know.

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone rightin front of you?

I would not give a single fuck. Actually he’s been missing for a while I would have to call someone.

36: were you single on valentines day?

Very happily so.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No I used to be when I was small though.

38: what do your friends call you

Ari.

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

I don’t think so.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

Don’t have any bruises right now.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My dad

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

I do. Unfortunately they have been thrown away but they were my favorite.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No I inflict my horrible hair upon the world.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Probably not I wouldn’t look good like that.

48: do you make supper for your family?

Sometimes.

49: does your bedroom have a door?

Yes thank god.

50: top 3 web-pages?

Netflix, Akinator because why not, and facebook. Not tunglr because I actually take month long breaks from it.

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

I am the one who hates shopping. It is me.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Yes.

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

Not really? People usually just kinda leave the only people I’ve said goodbye to are my relatives and that’s not hard.

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Hot chocolate.

55: how is your hair?

It could be better.

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

Sleep.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

Um sure why not.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

I was six.

59: green or purple grapes?

Green allll the way. Yeah they’re more sour but that’s why.

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

No idea.

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Not really I’m pretty comfortable on my bed.

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

Probably to ask my brother to get of Netflix, he’s a total Netflix hog.

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

In my house.

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

Probably sleeping.

66: is there one person in your life that can always makeyou smile?

Yeah you, u nerd.

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

No.

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed lastnight?

I hope I don’t have nightmares and guess what! I didn’t! Though it was a weird dream.

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gottendisappointed in the end?

Probably just can’t remember how.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

Five.

71: how many fingers do you have?

Ten if you count the thumb which some people don’t but I don’t really care it’s attached to my hand.

72: what is your ringtone?

Nothing special.

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

Just plain ol’ sixteen. The same age I am now.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends withtwo years ago?

No.

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

I,, do not think so.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Probably?? I have been a baby you know I’ve probably been rocked to sleep or something.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

I’m going to assume this is romantically so none. Unromantically? Lots.

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3days?

Yes? I live with my family sometimes I’ll be changing and someone will barge into my room and I’ll say get out and they will it happens often???

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

You know it’d be so much easier if they replaced like with “have feelings for” then I wouldn’t get so confused.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of yourcar window, you’re with?

Is this a question? First of all me being drunk is barely a scenario, me being drunk in a car is definitely not happening even if I’m not driving, and me catcalling people would never ever happen.

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last timeyou went to see a movie?

Nothing we sat and enjoyed the movie.

87: who was your last received call from?

My dad.

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over acandle, would you?

Um depends on what type of butterfly. One thousand dollars is one thousand dollars but I would never kill an endangered species or a rare one.

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

Money. Also friends that’d be nice.

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

Yah.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

My dad makes me.

92: do you get along with girls?

Yes? A majority of my friends growing up were girls.

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to knowthe truth?

If I’m keeping a secret, they usually don’t need to know it.

94: does sex mean love?

Absolutely not.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97: did you sleep alone this week?

Like for the entire week? Because when you go to a hotel and you have two brothers and two parents you kinda have to share.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

Um sure?? Friendships are gr8

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

Noo I actually hate the concept

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

Probably one of my brothers and it was probably about food, ngl.

[flavourlessfiction]

Ice Melts When Heated ~ Chapter 6

Relationships: Jason Todd/Tim Drake

Rating: Mature

Tags: Alternate Universe - Skating, figure skating, Rivals, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies is a slight overstatement tho, Banter, Time Skips, Rating May Change

Ao3: x

It felt like they’d been talking for days, Jason bringing out three notebooks as well as paperwork for the actual rink, telling him they were all important. It turned out Jason was a level of obsessive compulsive that Tim had honestly never seen in him before. It didn’t seem like something he’d picked up off of Bruce or Talia either, as he’d looked through a few of them. It seemed like he documented everything he did training wise, setting out meal plans around competitions, ideas for snacks to take whilst flying, with comments about how he hated plane food. Tim liked making lists but this was a whole other level. Jason would probably kill him for eating Froot Loops for dinner sometimes not to mention his coffee consumption.

He’d always taken Jason as the sort that would wing it but then again, he might have been more like that when he was younger, his injury had taken quite a bit of time to recover from and when he’d been injured. “Where are you going to stay, your parents support you right? Which means they probably aren’t thrilled about the cost of this.”

Tim glanced up from one of the books, looking across the table. “They weren’t in love with the sudden plane tickets or the fact that I hired a car but they’re happy I’ve come across, they just wished I waited a little longer. I can get a hotel room for a little bit and then start looking for an apartment if it becomes a permanent move.”

“A hotel room? For fifty-one nights, at least? That’s going to cost thousands of dollars.”

Tim couldn’t help but laugh, handing the notebook back over to Jason. “You’re already counting down the sleeps until Worlds? Is it your version of Christmas?” The other man shrugged, offering no real response to the question. It was no secret Jason was competitive, every competition was another goal in a not too distant future. He’d listened to him complain about how he hated off season to Dick a time or two before. “As for the hotel unless you have a better idea, where else would I go?”

“My place is a shoebox but it’s got a second bedroom, which is currently just being used as storage.”

Staying at Jason’s would make things cheaper, would mean his parents couldn’t breathe down his neck about the costs of the move quite so much. But it meant living with Jason, who he’d tried to hook up with when he’d needed someone to comfort him. Experimenting whether he was capable of coaching him was one thing, living with him was a whole other story. “But that means you won’t have storage.” A lame excuse at best, if there was a way to reduce costs any sensible person wouldn’t care about the fact that they had less storage.

He could see a few muscles twitch, Tim unable to read if it was an annoyed reaction or an amused one. “Just say no if you’re uncomfortable with the offer.”

“I’m not- I haven’t booked anything in yet, so at least for tonight I’m not going to say no.”

“Tonight’s actually not good for me…” The way each word was exaggerated made it all too obvious that he was making a joke, but Tim played along with a frown. If Jason wanted to poke fun then he was more than willing to let him. He was doing him a favour regardless of how much he was going to make Tim pay for it. “I’m kidding, you will have to sleep on the sofa unless we can find an air mattress at Migros.”

“Migros?”

“It’s a supermarket, but we can go there and if it fails you’ll get to curl up on my sofa until you can order a bed online or whatever.”

Tim nodded slowly, opening his mouth to make a smart comment but closing it almost instantly, he was in no place to judge when it came to apathy about things that weren’t related to skating. It was how he’d been able to let certain comments slide off his back. “Well I guess if I stay at yours it also makes training easier, because we would end up leaving at the same time often enough.”

“What times are you used to doing training with proper coaching though.”

He looked down, it wasn’t something Jason was going to like, his training schedule seemed so strict that Tim’s assortment of times was going to make a mockery of the sport. “The truth is going to make you mad.”

“He didn’t do anything?”

“No, it was more a ‘when I can fit you in’ kind of thing lately, because he saw me more than anyone else other than the demon child. So sometimes it would be at 6am and then the next day he’d have like twenty minutes spare at 9pm so we’d squeeze some in there. It used to be better that’s just how it has been lately, but well you’d know because well you kind of helped drop the bomb that he had a kid with Talia.”

“I didn’t drop any bombs, I just implied the secret he already knew about could leak at any moment. Like he fucked with Talia’s career too, I feel like people haven’t really put the timeline together with that. Everyone he touches, aside from Dick, turns against him.” Jason said, Tim rubbing his hands together under the table. Talking about Bruce didn’t feel right, he was mad, how could he not be? But it could easily turn into bad mouthing for the sake of it, not ever actually getting to a better place themselves. Which meant Bruce would be right about him. “I will say, I feel like the primary focus is getting your head put together for the free program, you generally win the short and then the free is where you aren’t as composed. Your short program’s worst score for this season was a 101.75 at Four Continents, right? Which is higher than my best for the year.”

“Have you not cracked 100 points in the short this year?”

“I have, barely though, my triple axel as a singular jump has been really bad this year. In combination, it’s great but there’s issues with it in the short program.”

“It’s weird that you know what my lowest short program score is, I tend to focus on potential scores so I know what I need to do when everyone is at their best.” He couldn’t fathom how Jason had all those scores in his head, it wasn’t easy to remember every single one of his own scores because in truth he didn’t always agree with his scores, some days he felt like he skated better than what the judges gave him and other days he would say he did worse. It balanced out over time but it all depended on the judges and the competitions.

Jason snorted, seemingly amused by the turn in conversation. “I’m offended that you aren’t following my scores as closely as I am yours. You make a mockery of our rivalry Timothy.” It wasn’t the first-time Jason had referred to them as rivals, it was less aggressive than it used to be, but it wasn’t one that was about competing for the attention of a coach, even if he couldn’t seem to get the edge to hold a lead at the end of a competition they’d pushed each other to be better skaters despite living on separate continents.

“Not everyone can be the Rain Man of scores.”

“That’s not fair! I just have it all written down at home, I only know the most recent one because I was there.”

Tim couldn’t help making a face, he looked up the records and watched recent skates of competitors but scores was so specific, so debatable anyway that it seemed pointless. “Why? I’ve got binders of score sheets but I only have people that I was competing against.”

“Because the brain works in strange ways and it’s become a vice.”

“A vice? You drink and you definitely used to smoke how is being obsessive compulsive about scores training and diet a vice, wouldn’t it make you more stressed?”

“It’s complicated.” That smile, it made it seem like he was joking or poking fun rather than it actually being too complicated for him to explain.

“I can’t tell if this is revenge for my avoiding your questions at Arkham.”

“It’s not, I don’t understand how I got the itch for it but it keeps me focused and when winning gives you more than anything else can why wouldn’t you keep doing it, I guess it’s superstitious, like how footballers will go to an exact place for breakfast before a home game or they won’t have sex on game day or putting on the -”

Tim threw his hands up, an act of surrender. “I get it, don’t give me fifty analogies.” He chuckled, leaning back in his chair. This was probably bound to be a mistake, but at worst it would be a few weeks and they could decide it was a failed experiment that taught the figure skating world a lesson. First being don’t coach/be coached by your biggest competition, and second being don’t burn bridges back at your original rink.

If they screwed this up there was little to no chance that Bruce would take him back, although he wasn’t the first person he’d run to at this point anyway.

---

It took a week to find some sort of a groove and two weeks for the figure skating world to realise exactly where he was. In truth, he had overestimated the abilities of how die-hard fans managed to spread gossip like wildfire but two weeks still wasn’t all that much time. The call from Dick after a week had been an awkward one, the other just trying to figure out if he was ever coming back and then to give him a brotherly lecture about how this could end in disaster.

So far it had been fine though, they definitely didn’t agree on everything but there was a better balance of power. He wasn’t afraid to fight back with Jason. So far it hadn’t been yelling, more heated discussions under their breaths about how one or the other had no idea what they were talking about.

Jason wanted to hear him out each time though. A welcome change that made making adjustments make far more sense than they ever had with Bruce.

Living together had proven to be the hard part, he hadn’t been wrong about the apartment being tiny, which meant they were in each other’s space all too often but it had been the rearranging of items that had been the real challenge. The boxes hadn’t been a major issue, getting the mattress around everything had been. He wouldn’t say either of them got heated about it, but both of them at one point or another in having to move the desk and bookcase that sat in the living space said ‘fuck it’ and just laid on the mattress in the middle of the room.

Tim had even fallen asleep at one point, surely for no longer than ten minutes to find his body outlined with random books. Had it not been for Jason’s laughter as he took several pictures he wouldn’t have woken up. They both weren’t used to living with someone on a full time basis and in Tim’s mind at least it was working for him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d lived with someone for more than a month at a time that wasn’t a nanny or a butler when his parents decided he just needed someone that could cook and clean. Ironically it felt like he’d had less freedom than when he was in high school because there was always someone there to check up on him.

He wasn’t going to lie it felt nice to have someone around, a year ago every time Jason spoke to him he still felt agitated and now he was actively enjoying Jason’s company. Regardless of whether they kept up the coaching arrangement, Tim had already been compelled to make the move more permanent, which meant spending his free time looking at apartments that he could actually move all of his own stuff into. “If we get a bigger place can we get a cat?” Jason uttered, the man hovering over his shoulder as he had twenty tabs open of different apartments or townhouses.

“We… that’s presumptuous.” He said, tilting his head back to look up at the other, for as much shit as Jason liked to talk about his bad eating habits he sure did have a fascination with yogurt pouches.

“You’re strictly looking at two or three bedroom places and you already said you don’t want to live alone, did I assume wrong?” He hadn’t, for as vaguely as they discussed things he wasn’t about to press Jason into moving unless he showed interest. After all, they’d barely been living together and in another two weeks they could be read to kill each other.

Why Jason felt that he could only have a cat if he moved somewhere bigger was beyond him. “Selina might give you one… she’d give me one, the past two times one of her cats has given birth she’s offered.”

“And you said no, that’s outrageous.”

Tim shrugged, there’d always been a reason as to why not get one. “My parents didn’t want me having a pet, claimed that because there are periods of the year no one would be at home it was cruel.

There seemed to be a small hum behind him, Tim focusing back on his computer in front of him. A place that appeared to be the right fit would come along soon enough, one that he wouldn’t have to worry about whether someone else was going to get it before they’d have the chance to move in. “That’s basically why I don’t have one now. I jokingly asked Talia if she’d take care of it when I was away if she wasn’t at competition with me.”

“Let me guess she threatened to drown it?”

“Not quite, just gave me this weird lecture like she is my parent.” Tim’s lips pressed into a line as he tried to hold back any laughter. He’d already witnessed that a few times, the dynamic of between Jason and his coach far more interesting than he’d thought. He had always assumed Talia and Ra’s were slave drivers who had their skaters doing eight hours of on ice training a day and then extra off ice work. Turned out that Jason was making himself do more hours on ice than needed and Talia was constantly chiding him, telling him he’d end up injured if he pushed himself too far.

Some probably would take it as her manipulating him but it seemed to work, made him take breaks when Jason had been going at it for too long. “Don’t worry once she stops being angry about you ‘wasting’ my time you’ll end up being the favourite child.”

“She has a son. Granted most people hate the brat but he is blood for her.”

A hand rested on his shoulder, patting it gently. He barely had to infer as to who he was talking about and Jason knew, whether it be Damian or Bruce. The names were able to fall out of his daily vocabulary. “She doesn’t like the things he does or says, which in all honesty he’s worse now than he used to be. Just you wait, she’ll warm up, I’ll lose my place as favourite in her eyes and then she’ll nag you about every single person you could possibly be interested in dating.”

“If one more person asks me about Conner I’ll scream.” He joked, pushing the hand away. Visibly cringing at the photos on his computer. Some people really didn’t know how to take pictures that made their houses look more flattering. “He has a thing for blondes, caught him and Cassie Sandsmark hooking up on the back of the bus between trips of a show. It made me realise dumb teenage shit happens regardless of whether you’re in the fishbowl of high school or not.”

“Oh, dumb teenage shit will happen if you’re not a teenager.”

“Obviously, I mean I feel like most of those that I came through Juniors with have always been pretty serious. Except for maybe Cassie and Steph.” Even the two of them were still pretty serious, he remembered watching Jason and the kids his age coming up into seniors and whilst they were all serious about skating they were all pretty goofy people off the ice.

There was that hand patting his shoulder again, this time it was certainly to make fun, the pats getting harder with each second. “It’s okay, I’ll bring out the inner four-year-old in you so you can experience a childhood.”

“You’re literally eating yogurt pouches.” Tim chuckled, pushing the hand away again, only for both of Jason’s arms to wrap around his head, squeezing as though he was trying to pop it.

“I wasn’t trying to say I was better, damn baby bird not everything is a competition.” Enough things were competitions, the smaller man slumping down in the chair to escape the other’s grasp, only for Jason to drop him the moment he started to lose grip, the momentum making Tim slide to the floor.

All he could hear was obnoxious laughter as Jason tried pushing the chair in. He truly did know how to be childlike at times. “Baby bird… haven’t heard that one in a while.” He said, finding it hard to not laugh at how this must have looked, it was stupid enough being the victim of this.

“What are you talking about I call you it all the time?” The chair stopped moving, but that was because he’d managed to make Tim wriggle back until he was under the desk completely. “Now it’s my turn to look at places.”

There was nowhere for him to move but thankfully Jason sat on the chair trapping him further by putting his legs under the desk. Couldn’t he just have sat sideways? In all fairness, he could just fight his way out. “Gross, some of these places are all tile flooring, do you know how cold it gets?”

“Yeah but they’re big.” He protested, resting his forehead against Jason’s knee.

And he thought how they were just moments ago looked strange. “That’s worse, it would be so hard to keep the place warm during winter. It snows here.”

“It snowed yesterday, you’re basically saying water is wet.” He retorted, flicking at Jason’s shins, he’d be able to annoy him to the point of being let out from under here in just a few minutes, he had to believe his patience was stronger than Jason’s. “I’m just looking for ideas anyway, it’s not like any of these are going to be available in a few months’ time. Gotta know what I want first though. Apparently, all you care about is a place with no tiles outside of the bathroom and enough room for a cat.”

“The cat should have its’ own room, which it will never sleep in because it thinks it’s a person and it wants to sleep with one of us.”

“That’s oddly specific.”

“Cats are weird, I don’t have any other explanation for it.” Jason flinched, almost kneeing him in the nose when Tim pinched his Achilles, the trapped man laughing softly to himself. “Stop it.” He whined, a hand swatting under the table as Tim pinched again.

“Stop it…” Tim mimicked, just happy to be getting some sort of a reaction out of Jason, it meant he’d either get out from under sooner or Jason would fight him which would make way for the opportunity for escape anyway.

“Unless you’re going to do something more entertaining for the both of us just sit pretty under there until my turn is over.”

Tim could feel the blush spreading across his face, thankful now that Jason couldn’t see him. “Don’t you get plenty of that from Roy?” He mocked, resting his back against the wall, using his feet to push Jason’s seat back until it teetered.

“Roy’s not as pretty Timbers. Don’t tell him I told you that because I don’t want to take a hockey puck to the hea-” That did the trick, Jason toppling backwards, too distracted by talking to realise just how far Tim had managed to angle the chair back. “I am taking back my offer to let you blow me.” Jason didn’t move as Tim crawled out from under the desk, the two of them smiling at each other as Tim stopped to stand.

“I think that might be a good thing, I don’t feel like fulfilling a porn trope for you.”

“But it’s the only reason I wanted to become your coach. Also, Roy and I haven’t ever done anything so you don’t need to get jealous.”

“I know, because if you could hook up with any guy it would be Dick Grayson.”

“How could you not? Especially Dick when he first switched to ice dance and was learning how to do all those lifts.”

“So, you hooked up with Dick?”

Laughter followed, Jason shaking his head as he started to get up, somersaulting backwards only for his feet and knees to hit the sofa. “Nope, he treats me the same way he treats you, as soon as he mentors someone he wouldn’t dare.”

Tim laughed, helping Jason up, resisting all temptation to let go of his hand and drop him again. “I don’t think I had the same fascination with Dick but for the longest time he treated me like a kid brother and when he didn’t anymore I less saw him as this unattainable entity that I was chasing and more like a stretched-out kid who had too much candy a lot of the time.”

“Well he adores you. I don’t think he would have let me yell at Bruce if it wasn’t for you.” He wouldn’t deny that, there was no use in doing so, Dick told him how much he loved him, it might have been in a familial aspect as well as a place of mutual admiration but it was a relationship that he knew deep down he couldn’t ruin even if he actively attempted to.

“He’s obsessed with trying to get me to do lifts with him, but I’m not into getting dropped by him.”

“You’re smaller than both Barbara and Kory so why the fear of being dropped?”

Tim rolled his eyes, leaning against the desk. “Because you’ve got to lift yourself in part and also you’ve got to put 100% faith in them, not dropping you and we’ve all seen compilation videos of bad falls… you’re featured in a lot of them.”

There’s a small noise that comes from Jason, Tim unable to tell if it was amusement or annoyance. “So that’s how Bruce teaches kids these days… or you’re a sadist that enjoys watching people get hurt.”

“Neither, I wanted to learn what not to do if that makes sense, because I like my knees, ankles and just my body in general.” There’s a nod, definitely understanding, although even explaining it made him sound like a sadist regardless. “Although I guess it’s ironic saying I like my knees when I’m jumping quads.”

---

The Move Of The Cycle, Tim Drake Defects to Al Ghul’s Rink But Who is His Coach?

Vicki Vale

After the explosive video highlighting how there has been trouble in paradise for some time between Bruce Wayne’s team and current national champion Tim Drake. It didn’t take long for him to be spotted in Geneva, Switzerland. It was one of several places that was thrown around in gossip amongst fans  online, many arguing that Ra’s Al Ghul had been attempting to solicit Drake for years, although many pointed out that Drake had repeatedly rebuked suggestions and would likely join the Kents, keeping to a less foreign environment and with people that he is knowingly comfortable with.

Well the mystery was solved by a few fans who were skaters at the Swiss rink that posted images of Drake on fan accounts, corroborated by an instagram story from rival Jason Todd of Drake asleep at the rink with the location tagged.

The immediate assumption was that Ra’s Al Ghul was Drake’s coach for the remainder of the season, however, after a very brief conversation which resulted in this reporter being hung up on, Al Ghul denied that Drake had requested his coaching services. Thus attention turned to his daughter, Talia Al Ghul, coach of Todd and former coach and mother of Damian Wayne, who said; “That whilst Timothy has been a welcome and exciting presence, he has taken a more unconventional route for this Worlds competition.” She’d gone on to say that whilst she was willing to provide a support role she wasn’t his coach.

This leaves us with many questions, regarding whether Drake has a coach or not, considering how he’d handled his loss at Four Continents I’d suspect that he has some sort of team behind him, however, there might be no official coach. One all too entertaining theory that came from twitter user @tjdfreaks, was that despite no one being entirely sure of the legality whilst being direct competition for each other, Jason Todd was his coach, as they have been seen together on ice and going to and leaving the rink most days.

I suspect said theory is little more than just a theory but it was too juicy to share and their thread will be linked below.

https://twitter.com/tjdfreaks/status/1094150268957089792

---

The ice is different, everyday it feels like something else, too hard, too soft, just not right for what he wants. In the morning he can’t land jumps sensibly and then come afternoon it feels bad for spinning regardless of whether it was freshly cut or not. It was early March already and he couldn’t get comfortable with what was supposed to be his home ice and in a month he was going to have to figure out how to skate on ice that possibly hadn’t even been laid early enough for it to have set right.

Everything was just different.

He had more freedom with his practices and time sure, and the scheduling had worked so well right from the start but that didn’t mean he was comfortable, Bruce might have screwed it all up but it was something he’d begun to get used to, just as he’d gotten used to sitting in the car and finally letting out how frustrated and upset he was. Now, Jason was painstakingly making him show every single feeling, making him let it out in the moment even though really it just made him want to tell the other to fuck off. Something that Jason also actively encouraged. Talia seemed to at least be entertained, he couldn’t quite tell whether she actually was, but after he told Jason to ‘go have another grade 3’, she had a more obvious reaction. He wasn’t sure if it was because she found it funny but she said that it wasn’t half as bad as the things Jason had said to her over the years, or in the past week, a sign that she was perhaps warming up to him, despite his being another distraction for Jason.

Ra’s on the other hand, still looked perpetually seething with the situation, the fact that he was training at his rink but not under his coaching. So close to being in his grasp, another success to his legacy only for it to be snatched away by Jason, who’d been snatched away by his own daughter, constantly so close to the top skaters of this generation but always just missing out. There were moments Tim could see Ra’s watching him and Jason, glaring at the two of them, a look darkening whenever they seemed to be screwing around too much for his liking. He was sure there was at least one occasion that he’d gone to yell at them when their working on footwork had turned into Jason trying to lift him whilst Tim did everything he could to flee. They ended up having a low speed crash into the barriers when neither one of them were paying all that much attention.

He stopped at the barrier to take a drink, wiping sweat off of his face with the towel. Nothing felt right, so heavy, edgework that he could do in his sleep feeling unclean and sloppy. “You look like you’re fighting with every little element at all times in a runthrough.” He should have known from the sound of blades scraping to a stop that it was Jason, they were the only two who had their stuff over here and aside from the initial excitement, most seemed to have gotten used to his presence enough to not let it distract from their own training.

“I’m not fighting, I just am not-”

“Comfortable? You’ve been saying that for weeks, are you sure it’s not your body and mind being completely in sync?” It wasn’t direct, but he could pick up on what Jason was saying, that this was him putting blame on one thing because he needed it to be something other than him, for it to be something completely out of his control. “What are you scared of, other than crashing into the barrier again?”

There were plenty of things to be scared of, injury, embarrassment, people thinking they were right about him, Bruce and Damian being right. “It happening again, and then every time I go out to do this program like a curse, I can’t just come off like a cocky asshole like you can.” He’d never phrase it like that to Bruce, even though in his days as a pairs skater that was exactly how he’d seemed. Jason only laughed though, looking more understanding about the matter than he really had to. “I know Bruce is wrong about me, I know I’m capable of doing things I haven’t done yet, I don’t need a pep talk about that, I just need to think and figure out how to make this work, for every element to work on it’s own and then also work-”

“You’re overthinking, which yeah it makes sense because you’re, you, but you’re focusing on the wrong things. Every little detail doesn’t have to be perfect, this isn’t nationals so no one is going to get perfect scores, it’s better that it works together than you get a perfect Grade of Execution and full levels for your technical components.”

That certainly sounded like something that would stereotypically would be a mind game from a teenage girl who thought she was living in a movie. “I’m not worried about it being perfect, I do want all positive marks and all level 4s, but one thing that’s wrong affects everything else.”

“And you have a little under month to get it all right, but you need to want to win, rather than want to make sure people aren’t right about you.”

“Yeah, a month that’s not a long time.” He groaned, pushing away from the boards, glancing behind himself as he glided backwards. “Your pep talk sucked and was super ineffective by the way.”

[shes-a--wallflower]

right so here it is.. you are a massive nervous wreck. just a plain old mess. you spend a lot of time talking about your 'mental health' and such and thats the main source of my disdain. why? because, as i see it, its a crock of shit ive worked with thousands of people over the years, literally thousands, because of the nature of my jobs, volunteering and school (psychology). i can tell you right now, you dont have a mental health problem. whenever anything goes wrong, you just victimize yourself. instead of owning up to your shortcomings or sacking up and dealing with the "hardships" of your comfortable life, you choose to blame it on your 'depression'. youd rather tell yourself the world is against you and that nothing is truly your fault because you dont have the fucking spine to be your own person. you are just like every other millennial, refusing to be self-aware because of all the anguish it would bring you. face it, you arent happy with your life. you arent happy with your lack of accomplishment, or your lack of relationships. but you dont try to improve things, you just blame somebody or something ('muh depression') else. if I had a million dollars, i would BET on the fact that your response to this will be "well i saw some therapists and i dont magically feel better so clearly its their fault but i really AM trying!" and then you will go on being a shitty person because you are 'trying to fix it' and so therefore its ok to be a dick in the meantime. but guess what? you ARENT doing fuckall about anything because you refuse to get to the real source of the problem. therapists arent fucking wizards, the only way that it will help you is if you are willing to actually change and be honest with yourself. but youll never get to that stage because the moment you are going to have to face the cunt that you really are inside, you are just going to run away and make up some more excuses you are, by far, one of the most insufferable cunts ive had the displeasure of talking to. you walk through life with a stick up your ass. no sense of humour, you are stuck up as fuck because the only sense of 'identity' you have is a goddamn lie because you have no genuine sense of character, you strive to create a sense of identity by jumping onto retarded SJW bandwagons to try to convince yourself and other people that you are just a magnanimous, compassionate little angel when you really just jump on these bandwagons because its fucking easy and doesnt involve you having to actually put in effort or go through conflict. you pat yourself on the back because you tell yourself you are 'tolerant' but i deep down you dont give a flying fuck about any of it. its just a game to you. i dont believe you have any genuine compassion or empathy for anyone else, i dont think you actually care. its all just to make yourself feel better about yourself. spoiler alert: it wont work. untill you change your shitty attitude you will NEVER be happy. happiness only comes to people who fucking earn it. the world owes you nothing, despite your obvious belief to the contrary. i am 100% sure you are going to cry about this conversation to somebody else, post on tumblr, or whatever, and not listen to any of it. you are going to keep being a professional victim and complain about how the world is against you. you are going to use it to get attention and make other people (who probably dont genuinely care for you) give you sympathy and compliment you and validate your view that you never do anything wrong and that its always someone else's fault. you will wait for them to say 'men are such pigs OMG dont worry girl you are beautiful just the way you are' and you are going to accept that advice to make yourself feel better even though deep down you fucking KNOW that you are not beautiful inside or out and there is no amount of empty compliments that will stop you from wanting to kill yourself the feelings of sadness you get from your shitty life are probably what you confuse for 'depression', but the problem is that your sadness is self-inflicted. your soul is literally crying out for you to live a full life but you are choosing to sit in your room eating fucking gluten-free,vegan, NAFT, soy-free ice cream by the gallon drum while watching netflix and letting your life slip away during the prime of your youth you are just like every other millenial cunt without a dad that loves them yet you keep telling yourself you are different somehow. protip: you arent. you are EXACTLY like them. i could say a dozen more things but i think ive said what i need to. like i said, i know you arent going to process any of this. you are going to get mad, shit your pants, and go back to being the same old you. but one day i know you are going to remember this conversation when its too late. when you inevitably chimp out and chew me out for this (even though you asked for it) just know that im not listening. i dont care what delusional bullshit you want to use to defend yourself with. ive said things exactly the way i see them, and thats that.

Some boy that never deserved my time and attention in the first place.

[sweep-the-seconds]

The Juggernaut and the Samurai

As someone who writes about watches, and as someone who doesn’t want to just tell personal anecdotes or bore you with advice, I thought about writing something that might confuse some people. The true comparison of an apple to a sailboat. A Rolex vs. a Seiko. What?! How could I compare these two? Comparing two companies that are so different, that are from different countries, and are for different markets. I say fuck that, let’s compare them.

So first, a quick history lesson about the two brands. Most watch people know that Hans Wilsdorf was the German watchmaker who created the brand Wilsdorf & Davis in 1905. This eventually became Montres Rolex S.A. and then eventually just dropped to the name we all know, Rolex. He later founded Tudor, which is the sister company who uses the same quality materials and the idea at the time was to put an ETA movement in it. Now Tudor has its own in-house movement, but the idea was to make a Rolex that was available to the common man. Comparatively, the Tudor watch is the wild child design wise. But back to Rolex of course. It has easily become the most recognized watch brand in the world. It is seen to many as a mark of excellence and wealth. While to the outsider this may be true, but to many within this community, Rolex symbolizes the true heart of Swiss watchmaking. Quality materials, an unbelievably reliable in-house movement, and the finishing of a manufacturer that truly cares about its product. To quote Hodinkee’s Ben Clymer, most people go from thinking that Rolex is the top of the top in the watch world, then progress on to saying they would never own a Rolex, and finally coming back into wanting a Rolex. I did the same thing in a span of two years. I looked at Rolex after Rolex when I first got into them, and as I did my research I thought that the brand was, for lack of a better term, “basic”. Now that I am further into my endeavors as a watch lover, I have a whole new appreciation for the brand, and I would love to get my hands on something like a BLNR GMT-Master II or a vintage Explorer. I could write pages about Rolex, because I truly do have a deep appreciation for the brand, but now it is time to bore you with a little history of Seiko.

Seiko was founded in 1881 by Kintaro Hattori, who opened a watch store using his own name in Tokyo, Japan. The name would later change to Seikosha when he started to produce clocks. The first Seiko watches produced under this brand weren’t until 1924. Seiko made history with the very first quartz production watch in 1969. The brand is best known to have been produced entirely in house at one point. Seiko exemplifies that you can still have quality and take pride in your work without having to spend exorbitant amounts on a luxury item. With the eventual creation of Grand Seiko, Seiko has shown that it is truly about the quality of receiving much more than you are spending. Japanese brands are about craftsmanship, and you can see it in a five-hundred-dollar Seiko diver or a five-thousand-dollar Grand Seiko. To me, Seiko is one of the best brands in the watch industry. This is not just some cheap timepiece you can pick up in an off-brand store that breaks in two weeks. You could go into a Macy’s today and find a Seiko in their watch case, the first time I saw one in person, when I was younger, it blew me away. Seiko cares about their product. I am wearing a Seiko right now, fitted with an in-house movement, eye catching finishing, and with my aftermarket strap it still cost a little less than a thousand dollars. Pretty fucking crazy when you think about it.

So how in the world am I possibly going to compare these two brands. I guess in the traditional sense, I am not. Because there truly is no winner or loser. One brand is not better than the other. When it comes down to it, what you want is what you want, and whether that is either of these amazing brands it doesn’t matter what I think. I do have some notes, Rolex has gotten bigger over the years. I don’t truly mean the dimensions of the watch, but rather when you put one on it feels chunky. It is comfortable, still one of the most comfortable bracelets you could ever put on your wrist, but Rolex has bought into the fact that they are Rolex if that makes any sense at all. When you wear a Rolex, people are going to notice it, people are going to comment on it, and people are going to treat you like you spent more on a watch than they did on their car. Which if that is the sort of you are in to, then Rolex is 100% for you. You are going to get a beautiful, reliable, and amazing piece if you buy a new Rolex. Vintage Rolex can take care of any other itch that you might need to scratch, but you will also pay a penny for it. The demand for vintage in general has exploded, and the prices of many Rolex’s have gotten crazy.

On the other end of the spectrum is the Seiko. Where else can you get a five-hundred-dollar sports watch that not only can stand up to whatever abuse you give it, but also looks damn good while doing it? The market is scarce for something like that. The only guys who are going to recognize a Seiko, are the ones that either wear them too or have a greater appreciation for all watches. Most of the luxury watch community wouldn’t bat an eye at the name Seiko, but know that you are getting a quality timepiece with that name on the dial. My only complaint is that most of the bracelets are just average, not horrible, but also not anything to write home about. Unless you are going to spend in the upper ranges of Seiko, or even in GS, it is hard to find one that has a quality bracelet. Most people throw their SKX009 on a NATO and call it a day. There isn’t much that can compare when it comes to versatility, quality, and pure function. It is an unassuming watch brand that can do just about anything you throw at it, and it is a name that has been producing watches for nearly a century.

Like I said at the start, nobody loses, nobody wins. Both companies are amazing in their own right. Having both in your collection is a must, and arguably with both watches you have something for any occasion. Buy a Rolex for how amazing they look in person, because it is a true example of how amazing Swiss watches are and have been for a long time. Buy a Seiko because you want to take your watch diving, and it is a unique and beautiful piece to have out in the ocean. Wear both with pride and love them for their unique differences and similarities.

Thank you guys for reading this. If there are any subjects anyone would like me to talk about please feel free to leave some suggestions.

[crazykendal]

Im Not Allowed To Use My Computer But Here I am

Get ready for a ton of grammar errors im sorry

1.) What’s better, having high expectations or having low expectations?

low expectations, if you don't ever want to be hurt

2.) Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year?

i’d go without tv for a year since I never watch tv besides netflix

3.) Describe your perfect man/woman.

not in the mood

4.) Thoughts on school dress codes?

eh doesnt bother me

5.)Any strange phobias?

deep water (still), seeing people during summer because im a mess, abandonment 6.) At what job do you see Donald Trump best fit?

president?? oh but people are gonna hate me if I say that haha fucking hate me more 7.) Who was your first crush?

this one boy I dont think I ever even talked to before, honestly what the actual fuck 8.) Who was your first best friend?

she knows who she is. I dont consider her a best friend but she is my closest friend ever. No its not my cat. Ive known her for 10 years 9.)What is one weird thing about you?

I hate myself but that isnt weird, idk 10.) Top 5 TV shows you like to watch? The walking dead and The 100.. thats just it haha

11.) What are your favorite boys names? oh like friends or actual names. Im going to do just names because im going to stop exposing myself and stop being so honest. actually I have no favorite boy names haha

12.) What are your favorite girls names? Brooklyn haha I haven't finished that stupid wattpad story yet

13.) Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? no

14.) Do you plan on getting (more) tattoos? If so, what do you want to get as of the moment? i would want to get tattoos if they didnt hurt when applied.

15.) Do you have any piercings? Do you plan on getting more? no

16.) Do you like hugging people? depends on who. but now, no

17.) Think of ANY person on earth right now.  Who did you think of? a friend who im going to see on wednesday

18.) Do you have an iPhone? yeah I dont use it anymore

19.) What is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now? hmm maybe if some guy didnt go to my school next year but that isn't happening

20.) Do you watch anime? no ive watched like 2 animes years ago.

21.) What brings true happiness? getting a grip and letting everything go. Im free of a lot of pain ive been going through for a few months and its the first time ive been truly happy with myself even though I want to fucking- nevermind hahahaha

22.) What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever paid for? I feel like I should know this, but i have no idea

23.) If you could have any job in the world and get paid millions of dollars a year for it, what would you be and why? idk

24.) Do you want children? If so, how many? no

25.) Name and describe someone who you feel most comfortable around. honestly no one, including myself, my trust isnt something everyone has anymore

26.)If you could invent a holiday, what would it be? lexadeservedbetter

27.)Would you rather have summer weather or winter weather all year round? winter weather, gotta be cold like my heart

28.) If you could make an alien race, describe what they would look like. they’d look like all the people I hate so I can murder them

29.)  What was the first thing you learned to cook? i cant cook, I kinda can but it ends up with my mom yelling at me

30.) Describe your sense of humor. Im a joke. people laugh at me because of how fucking stupid I am. I get used to it.

31.) What is the key to happiness? don't worry about anyone else until you've worked yourself out.

32.) How many phone numbers do you have committed to memory? Whose numbers are they? my mom’s and emergency services :)

33.) Name three songs that make you want to dance. Come Over- Clean Bandit, Wasted Youth- Fletcher, and Caught Up- Sarah Close

34.) What job did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a mom, dont ask me how I thought that was a fucking job besides what the fuck was I even thinking a mom? what. the. fuckkkkk

35.) Do you have any talents or skills? I can get really angry :)

36.) What was the worst punishment you’ve ever had? I was grounded for like 2 months you can ask me how if you want btw

37.) Did you ever do anything weird as a child? yes there were many things

38.) What is your dream car? ooohh I never thought about that probably a pegassi zentorno (doesn't exist in real life look it up)

39.)  Describe something that made you laugh this week. Ive over come stuff that I can finnally look back and realize how stupid I was.

40.) Did you have a dream last night? If so, describe it. i dreamt a lot last week and its so irrelevant to me nowwww

41.)  Do you ever have repetitive dreams? Describe it/them. repetitive like always that one person in them, yeah

42.) Describe the worst/ scariest dream you’ve ever had. I had a really nice dream and I woke up and I was sad hahaha story of my life

43.) Describe the best dream you’ve ever had. ^^

44.) If God himself gave you a choice of either having unlimited money for the rest of your life or finding your one true love starting tomorrow, which one would you choose (keep in mind, you are still able to make a ton of money if you choose love, and you are still able to meet your soul mate if you choose money)? trick question god doesn't exist :) but probably unlimited money because love is fucking useless and retarded

45.) If you could do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) right now without consequences, what would you do and why? run away and see a friend I haven't seen all summer

46.) Do you have any recipes that you know off the top of your head? What is it/ what are they? no

47.) Do you have your license? If so, do you have a car? no

48.) Have you ever had a near death experience? yes im not going to describe it

49.) Do you personally know anyone that has been to prison? yep

50.) Have you ever been in a physical fight?

yep

51.) When you get out of the shower, do you towel dry, blow dry, or air dry your hair? air dry unless I have to go somewhere i will usually blow dry.

52.) When you go to the movies, what snacks and drinks do you take with you? just a ton of candy hahahaha

53.) Do you like going to the beach? If so, do you like to stay dry or go in the water? If not, why? no

54.) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

no

55.) If you could have a superpower ASIDE from being invisible or being able to fly, what would you have? oh my fucking god that's what I was going to write. how bout shape shifting or something

56.) If you were able to live for however long you wanted to (i’m talking thousands of years without aging), when would you choose to die? when I got bored, I cant say lonely because I already am

57.) What do you think happens after you die? youre body stops working and people put you in a hole in the ground

58.) Do you believe in aliens? sure

59.) Do you believe in ghosts? 50/50

60.) Do you believe in spiritual things like ouija boards, tarot cards, and crystals? Do you believe they are portals for evil entities to enter the mortal world? haha no but ouija boards are fun to trick people with haha *Meghan*

61.) If you could make one mythical being real, who/what would you make?

my will to live

62.) Do you get tan, or do you burn? burn

63.) Describe your shower routine. too long

64.) Do you enjoy school? Why or why not? no because the people there suck and its much to stressful

65.) In your opinion, what is the worst way to die? probably falling.

666.) Do you get carsick, sea sick, or airplane sickness? none, ive never been on an airplane so idk

67.) What’s one memory that you wish you could live again and again? ..

68.) What were some of your stuffed animal’s names from when you were a kid? hattie my stuffed chicken haha

69.)Do you have any pets? 69 cats :)

70.) Describe your daily wardrobe. dark

71.)  Describe what your daily wardrobe would be if you were rich. probably the same

72.)  Create a character right now.  Give them a name, age, and character description. are you fucking with me im writing out a new character for some private stuff as I work on this survey.

73.)What was the last thing you bought? a couple books

74.) Have you ever bought a CD? What band was it for? the last cd I bought was hfk :)

75.) Describe your perfect ice cream sundae. cookie dough and im gooood

76.) If you could make ANYTHING happen right now with no cost, trouble, or obstacles, what would you do? cant say but anything could happen by ellie goulding is annoying and I love it

77.) What are some of your favorite physical activities to do? running but I havent run in a long time and im out of shape

78.) What were some of your favorite shows as a child? dont remember

79.) Describe how you would survive the zombie apocalypse. id make a group and Id lead it, id also make sure chandler riggs and alycia debnam-carey would be there because I love them and theyve both been in zombie shows. yesssss

80.)What are some things you shouldn’t say at work? when does the boss retire

81.) If you were told that if you killed someone, you would save 100 people, would you do it? if one the 100 people were clarke griffin, yes.

82.) How’s the weather right now? its dark

83.) What is the background on your cell phone right now? its lexa with a ton of thug life stuff added onto her haha

84.)Is it better to work at a job that you love or a job that pays well? job that pays well

85.) What do you have within arms reach of your bed? my alarm clock

86.) Have you ever been fired from a job? If so, why? no

87.) Have you ever won a trophy, prize, or medal? If so, for what? two stupid school medals and thats it

88.) Do you have any posters, pictures, or art hanging on your walls in your room? If so, what are they? video game map posters, shitty drawing i havent taken down and comic and movie posters

89.) Are you afraid of the dark? If so, why? I used to be haha I think I still am.

90.)What is something that you’ve never done but would like to try? been a good friend to anyone

91.) If you could choose three famous people or characters to be friends with, who would you choose and why? just friends? thats hard. probably Stevie Boebi, Alexis G. Zall and Ally Hills. I would say Shannon Beveridge but I have like this huge crush on her alright

92.) Do you smile at strangers when you pass by them on the street? no because I hate people

93.) Do you have a favorite TV commercial? If so, what is it? life alert

94.) Do you like your handwriting? no it looks like a little kids handwriting

95.) Cable TV or Netflix? netflix

96.) What are your favorite smells? everything at bath and bodyworks please

97.) Do you consider yourself physically strong? I wish dood

98.) Describe a time where you said something really rude or mean, whether intentional or not.

I told some people thing that weren't true about them just because I was really mad. #dickhead

99.) Do you ask strangers to pet their dogs? no

100.)What is your most embarrassing moment?

my lifespan

101.) Has anyone really close to you ever died? If so, who was it and how did you handle it?

 my cat maverick, my grandma and lexa

102.)  Describe your plan of action if you were home alone and you heard someone break into your house.

I gotta knife drawer and i’d love to use it

103.) If you were to be born again, would you want to be born male or female?

male, im not saying i want to be a guy but id like to experience things differently

104.)  What shampoo do you use?

idk

105.) Guess the meaning of this word: ulotrichous.

something horrible, or myself

106.) Do you let messages (phone, email, text, social media, etc…) build up, or do you have to look at them right away?

no one ever texts me im always the one to start a convo and that sucks

107.)  Where is the nearest McDonalds to your house?

probably like 5 miles away

108.)  If you had $1 billion and you had to spend it in exactly one week, what would you spend it on?

id buy a house and a ton of cars even tho I cant drive yet

109.) What is the best thing you’ve ever eaten?

pizza

110.) If you could go on a trip around the world with up to three people, who would you bring (they can be people you know personally or famous people).

ellie goulding, chandler riggs and alycia debnam-carey

111.) What expletive/ explicit phrase do you say most often?

frick frack fuck

112.) What is your personal definition of success?

finishing something the correct way

113.) How was your day today?

ive been doing yardwork and I volenteered at fieldhaven

114.) What is the closest Big City you live by?

sacramento

115.) Have you ever been in a car accident?

yes but they were never serious

116.) Do you hide anything from your parents?

all the time like hmm idk my sexuality

117.) If you could possess one talent, what would you be able to do?

make myself invisible :)

118.) Ugly and smart or beautiful and stupid?

depends on the person

119.) What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen in real life?

myself

120.) Use only 3 words to describe how you want your future to go.

i hate myself

121.) QUICK! give me a few things a brick could be useful for

you can throw them at people

122.) If you could make a dream society, describe it in great detail where it would be, who would be in it, and what rules there would be?

 the lost youth is a band of teens who pull children off the streets and always get into fights with the other gang, the redemption. there will be blood.

123.) If you could make any animal miniature, what would you make and why?

cats

124.) What are your favorite candle scents?

I dont really have and candles so idk

125.) If you HAD to have one plastic surgery, what would you get and why?

my nose

126.) Do you prefer to hang out with the same sex or the opposite sex?

depends on who but right now no one

127.) If you could make a charity, what would the profits go towards? How would you raise money for it?

myself because I am poor

128.) Describe the body you wish you had.

I wish I was taller

129.) If you were a famous director, what would your next movie be about? Describe the plot, characters, and possible title.

the lost youth

130.) If only women were to rule the world, how different would the world be by 2050?

im not being sexist but it wouldn't be all that great but maybe politics could get better I have no idea

131.) What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

chocolate milk :) yes

132.) Do you have a problematic friend?

im the problematic friend

133.) Are you more spontaneous or more of a planner?

depends on the situation

134.) If you could change your full name, what would your name be?

not saying

135.) What is one song that describes your life?

hard times- paramore

136.) What is one show you’ve been meaning to watch but can never find the time for?

the rest of the 100 why the fuck are so many people dying I needed a break after lexa died and now all the nightbloods and lincoln are dead. duh fuck

137.) Do you find it easy to drop toxic people from your life that you’ve known for a long time?

Id have to ask people because people talk behind my back telling them im toxic. if you were me its understandable and im totally alright with it now

138.) Do you like children? Why or why not?

no children fucking suck

139.) What is your zodiac sign?

Pisces rising, Sagittarius sun, and and Capricorn moon

140.) Do you like to dance? Do you dance often? In front of other people?

yes but i cant haha

141.) Name some of your favorite colors.

blue and black and sometimes orange and purple

142.) Have you ever shoplifted? If so, what was it?

no

143.) If you could speak three additional languages, what would they be?

danish, french, and japanese

144.) Have you ever been in legal trouble?

no

145.) Have you ever had surgery?

no

146.) If you could change 2 things about yourself, what would you change and why?

my sexuality and my face haha

147.) What do you want done with your body after you die?

i dont care

148.) What three physical features do people compliment you most on? What do they say about them?

usually my hair because im ugly

149.) If you could have your own business, what would you do?

own a large company, I dont know

150.) What current friend do you have that you’ve known the longest?

im going on vacation with her for a week in Oregon that’ll be funnn

ok so I could totally tag you olivia but I just made you do that other really long one so if you're reading this you can if you want haha

[ahelpinghand-xox]

150 Questions..

1.) What’s better, having high expectations or having low expectations? Low expectations, at least then you’re never disappointing.

2.) Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year? Junk food - at least I’d loose weight ^.^

3.) Describe your perfect man/woman. Dark hair, a bit of a beard and slightly taller than me.

4.) Thoughts on school dress codes? I left school a while back so idc.

5.)Any strange phobias? Clowns, heights, drowning.

6.) At what job do you see Donald Trump best fit? Licking a bulls ass, because he only talks shit. bulls shit. 

7.) Who was your first crush? Leo DiCaprio :* 

8.) Who was your first best friend? A girl called Lauren. 

9.)What is one weird thing about you? I like plasters. 

10.) Top 5 TV shows you like to watch? The Big Bang Theory, Friends, Lucifer, The Vampire Diaries and The Originals.

11.) What are your favorite boys names? Henry, Riley and Micheal.

12.) What are your favorite girls names? Joy, Amelia and ??

13.) Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? I have 3, a dedication to my gramps, a quote with an anchor beside it and a big thigh sleeve with candy skulls and smoke.

14.) Do you plan on getting (more) tattoos? If so, what do you want to get as of the moment? I plan on getting the word Joy on me as its my nans name and a love heart on my finger or wrist dedicated to someone special. 

15.) Do you have any piercings? Do you plan on getting more? I’ve had 20 piercings, but I want my nose re-pierced again, twice.

16.) Do you like hugging people? Only people that smell good.

17.) Think of ANY person on earth right now.  Who did you think of? My boyf.

18.) Do you have an iPhone? Yes.

19.) What is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now? Family demise.

20.) Do you watch anime? Pokemon and Dragon ball z.

21.) What brings true happiness? Family and who you make your family.

22.) What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever paid for? My laptop.

23.) If you could have any job in the world and get paid millions of dollars a year for it, what would you be and why? Game beta testing.

24.) Do you want children? If so, how many? Just the one, I don’t want to ruin my body lol. Low key true.

25.) Name and describe someone who you feel most comfortable around. Paul, the boyf.

26.)If you could invent a holiday, what would it be? Every Friday would be no work day.

27.)Would you rather have summer weather or winter weather all year round? Winter.

28.) If you could make an alien race, describe what they would look like. Minions.

29.)  What was the first thing you learned to cook? Korma.

30.) Describe your sense of humor. Dark.

31.) What is the key to happiness? Family.

32.) How many phone numbers do you have committed to memory? Whose numbers are they? 1, Mine.

33.) Name three songs that make you want to dance. Anything Jake Bugg, Ed Sheeran.

34.) What job did you want to have as a child? Hair dresser, but it urns out I’m left handed and can’t use scissors. 

35.) Do you have any talents or skills? Nope.

36.) What was the worst punishment you’ve ever had? ;)

37.) Did you ever do anything weird as a child? Pfft, probably.

38.) What is your dream car? Audi R8

39.)  Describe something that made you laugh this week. Forever getting people with ‘You’ve got something on your shirt’ and when they look down hit there nose.

40.) Did you have a dream last night? If so, describe it. Nope.

41.)  Do you ever have repetitive dreams? Describe it/them. Horror dreams.

42.) Describe the worst/ scariest dream you’ve ever had. My reoccurring dream.

43.) Describe the best dream you’ve ever had. Everyone was still with us. 

44.) If God himself gave you a choice of either having unlimited money for the rest of your life or finding your one true love starting tomorrow, which one would you choose (keep in mind, you are still able to make a ton of money if you choose love, and you are still able to meet your soul mate if you choose money)? Already met my soul mate so give me that wonger. 

45.) If you could do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) right now without consequences, what would you do and why? Just a slight murder lol.

46.) Do you have any recipes that you know off the top of your head? What is it/ what are they? ??

47.) Do you have your license? If so, do you have a car? Nope.

48.) Have you ever had a near death experience? Nope.

49.) Do you personally know anyone that has been to prison? Yeah.

50.) Have you ever been in a physical fight? Not really. 

51.) When you get out of the shower, do you towel dry, blow dry, or air dry your hair? Towel then air. 

52.) When you go to the movies, what snacks and drinks do you take with you? A slushy and popcorn.

53.) Do you like going to the beach? If so, do you like to stay dry or go in the water? If not, why? I dip my toes in, I hate salt water, or rather whats hiding in it. 

54.) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope.

55.) If you could have a superpower ASIDE from being invisible or being able to fly, what would you have? The power of healing. 

56.) If you were able to live for however long you wanted to (i’m talking thousands of years without aging), when would you choose to die? Just before my future husband, so we go together. 

57.) What do you think happens after you die? Something, I’m not sure what but this can’t be it. 

58.) Do you believe in aliens? Yes, to believe we’re the only ones in the entire universe is ridiculous. 

59.) Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah. 

60.) Do you believe in spiritual things like ouija boards, tarot cards, and crystals? Do you believe they are portals for evil entities to enter the mortal world?  I believe it tempting fate and good and bad energys. 

61.) If you could make one mythical being real, who/what would you make? Unicorns.

62.) Do you get tan, or do you burn? Burn.

63.) Describe your shower routine. I like baths.

64.) Do you enjoy school? Why or why not? I enjoyed it looking back now.

65.) In your opinion, what is the worst way to die? Drowning.

66.) Do you get carsick, sea sick, or airplane sickness? Nope.

67.) What’s one memory that you wish you could live again and again? Christmas day when I was little.

68.) What were some of your stuffed animal’s names from when you were a kid? Mr Red, Lala and Panda. 

69.)Do you have any pets? I have two toy poodles, one brown Benny4 and one black Marley1. 

70.) Describe your daily wardrobe. Black.

71.)  Describe what your daily wardrobe would be if you were rich. Expensive black.

72.)  Create a character right now.  Give them a name, age, and character description. Damon, 7, blonde, blue eyes.

73.)What was the last thing you bought? Subway.

74.) Have you ever bought a CD? What band was it for? Yes, busted.

75.) Describe your perfect ice cream sundae. Chocolate brownie.

76.) If you could make ANYTHING happen right now with no cost, trouble, or obstacles, what would you do? Move my family somewhere nice, so we could all be like neighbors and spend more time together.  

77.) What are some of your favorite physical activities to do? Swim, basketball, gym.

78.) What were some of your favorite shows as a child? Teletubbies, Rosie&Jim, Fireman Sam, Johnny Bravo, Powerpuff girls, Dexter’s Lab. 

79.) Describe how you would survive the zombie apocalypse. I kill myself before I was eventually eaten. 

80.)What are some things you shouldn’t say at work? Tell your customers to fuck off.

81.) If you were told that if you killed someone, you would save 100 people, would you do it? Yeah.

82.) How’s the weather right now? Boiling. 

83.) What is the background on your cell phone right now? My dog Benny.

84.)Is it better to work at a job that you love or a job that pays well? Love.

85.) What do you have within arms reach of your bed? Everything, my rooms tiny.

86.) Have you ever been fired from a job? If so, why? Nope.

87.) Have you ever won a trophy, prize, or medal? If so, for what? A few as a kid for dance.

88.) Do you have any posters, pictures, or art hanging on your walls in your room? If so, what are they? A poster of the Friends cast, a Busted poster from when I saw them last year and a fake Banksy with the panda holding two guns. 

89.) Are you afraid of the dark? If so, why? Not so much the dark its whats hiding in it.

90.)What is something that you’ve never done but would like to try? Learn to play piano. 

91.) If you could choose three famous people or characters to be friends with, who would you choose and why? Greg Davis, Russel Howard and Frankie Boyle, I’d cry laughing every time I saw them.

92.) Do you smile at strangers when you pass by them on the street? Yeah.

93.) Do you have a favorite TV commercial? If so, what is it? Christmas coca-cola

94.) Do you like your handwriting? No, it’s small and messy.

95.) Cable TV or Netflix? Netflix.

96.) What are your favorite smells? Jimmy Choo - Blossom.

97.) Do you consider yourself physically strong? Nope.

98.) Describe a time where you said something really rude or mean, whether intentional or not. To my step sister when I was uninvited to her wedding.

99.) Do you ask strangers to pet their dogs? Yes.

100.)What is your most embarrassing moment? Passing out.

101.) Has anyone really close to you ever died? If so, who was it and how did you handle it? Yes and badly

102.)  Describe your plan of action if you were home alone and you heard someone break into your house. I’d take my Harley Quinn baseball bat and hide.

103.) If you were to be born again, would you want to be born male or female? Male, I want to see what all the fuss is about.

104.)  What shampoo do you use? Aussie.

105.) Guess the meaning of this word: Ulotrichous Having woolly or curly hair - thanks Google.

106.) Do you let messages (phone, email, text, social media, etc…) build up, or do you have to look at them right away? Build up, I’m not the talking type.

107.)  Where is the nearest McDonalds to your house? Ten minute walk.

108.)  If you had $1 billion and you had to spend it in exactly one week, what would you spend it on? Houses and investment.

109.) What is the best thing you’ve ever eaten? Food?!

110.) If you could go on a trip around the world with up to three people, who would you bring (they can be people you know personally or famous people). Boyf, Roman Atwood and Kane.

111.) What expletive/ explicit phrase do you say most often? Fuck you.

112.) What is your personal definition of success? Never giving up.

113.) How was your day today? Meh.

114.) What is the closest Big City you live by? London.

115.) Have you ever been in a car accident? A minor one.

116.) Do you hide anything from your parents? Nope.

117.) If you could possess one talent, what would you be able to do? Sing.

118.) Ugly and smart or beautiful and stupid? Both.

119.) What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen in real life? ..

120.) Use only 3 words to describe how you want your future to go. Happy, Family & Carefree.

121.) QUICK! give me a few things a brick could be useful for Hitting someone.

122.) If you could make a dream society, describe it in great detail where it would be, who would be in it, and what rules there would be? World peace.

123.) If you could make any animal miniature, what would you make and why? St Barnard.

124.) What are your favorite candle scents? Vanilla. 

125.) If you HAD to have one plastic surgery, what would you get and why? Bigger boobs. 

126.) Do you prefer to hang out with the same sex or the opposite sex? Opposite.

127.) If you could make a charity, what would the profits go towards? How would you raise money for it? Helpless children, runs, auctions..

128.) Describe the body you wish you had. slimmer.

129.) If you were a famous director, what would your next movie be about? Describe the plot, characters, and possible title. Comedy.

130.) If only women were to rule the world, how different would the world be by 2050? It would be better.

131.) What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Wine.

132.) Do you have a problematic friend? I am that friend lol.

133.) Are you more spontaneous or more of a planner? Planner.

134.) If you could change your full name, what would your name be? I wouldn’t.

135.) What is one song that describes your life? Why does it always rain on me.

136.) What is one show you’ve been meaning to watch but can never find the time for? 24.

137.) Do you find it easy to drop toxic people from your life that you’ve known for a long time? No.

138.) Do you like children? Why or why not? When I can give them back they’re great.

139.) What is your zodiac sign? Cancer.

140.) Do you like to dance? Do you dance often? In front of other people? Nope.

141.) Name some of your favorite colors. Grey, Black & Red.

142.) Have you ever shoplifted? If so, what was it? Yes, clothes.

143.) If you could speak three additional languages, what would they be? Italian, Chinese & Spanish. 

144.) Have you ever been in legal trouble? Not really.

145.) Have you ever had surgery? Nope.

146.) If you could change 2 things about yourself, what would you change and why? Belly and thighs - to big.

147.) What do you want done with your body after you die? Burnt then buried.

148.) What three physical features do people compliment you most on? What do they say about them? Eyes, ass and tits.

149.) If you could have your own business, what would you do? Anything.

150.) What current friend do you have that you’ve known the longest? Samantha-20 years.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: june, week four

capsule reviews of the pop songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 on 24 june 2017 and 23 june 2007

23 June 2007

28) "Nobody's Perfect," Hannah Montana

Ah, yes. This. This was a thing which occurred in 2007, and this is a thing I am certainly excited to reevaluate, given the general worth it has contributed to society in the intervening decade. This won't be the thinkpiece, of course, given that we have three Hannah Montana songs, two Miley Cyrus songs, and one Billy Ray Cyrus song to think about. ("Shake It," a Cyrus-affiliated production, does not debut this year.) So, this song. I am a 27-year-old piping a hot track from a Disney Channel show or original movie into his ears. It is clear I shouldn't be here, and for so many reasons. I did not need to hear that, even if I make mistakes, I will survive and be OK. I am an unexceptional white dude. I KNOW the world will always make a comfortable home for me. This gets a B-. I don't give grades, but this is getting a B-, because right now, I feel like a teacher reading the seventy-eighth essay on Langston Hughes they've ever read and just going, "Yep, you wrote the requisite five paragraphs, I don't care how many grammars you badded, you did something, and I'd rather just not read this anymore."

88) "Shut up and Drive," Rihanna

The only thing more important than dropping that first mega-hit is nailing the follow-up. You know you're probably not gonna go back to back (foreshadowing), but you still need a song solid enough that you won't fade from the public consciousness once the public decides they have overplayed your song. This song does its job admirably. It isn't anything world-shattering, but it's good rowdy fun, it's different enough from "Umbrella" what with its tinge of rock influence while still being uniquely Rihanna, and it has that big dumb hook that has anchored Dreamworks movies for a decade. This is not the best song in the world, but it's pretty heckin' sweet.

94) "These Are My People," Rodney Atkins

A stirring tribute to mediocrity, this song has maybe my least-favorite lyric in recent memory: "It ain't always pretty/But it's real." Two people wrote this song, neither of whom are Rodney Atkins. Like, come on. Like, this is a song about a boring-ass upbringing awash in all the country stereotypes, yet here we have Rodney Atkins, someone with an interesting upbringing who at one point was himself a songwriter, setting anything that could be unique about this song so that he can, what, make money off drunkards at the BPOE requesting this song on the radio? ...That is a jauntry fiddle this song has, though, I'll give it that. I just don't understand why these country dudes never tried harder. I mean, not trying has proven to be an incredibly lucrative path, but are all these country dudes so morally bankrupt they would forsake artistic pursuit for the mighty dollar?

95) "A Bay Bay," Hurricane Chris

Like, this is also dumb? But at least I can rest secure knowing Hurricane Chris wrote every single generic word in this song, and I know that Hurricane Chris truly believed in his vision of a world where white folks and gangstas could set aside their differences for one song so they could holler "A Bay Bay" in the club. And as much as I loved that sweet happy fiddle on "These Are My People," I would listen to this beat a thousand times before I listened to what is by country standards hella weak fiddling ever again. It's a dumb song, but at least I can believe in the message it's sending, even if I'm not 100% sure the message it's sending actually means anything. My memory's foggy, I'm pretty sure "A Bay Bay" meant "hell yeah?" It doesn't matter, we left this song in 2007 for a reason. Return home, young friend.

97) "Paralyzer," finger eleven

This song is pretty sweet. It owes a tremendous debt to Franz Ferdinand, but the world owes a tremendous debt to Franz Ferdinand for its ever existing, so it's hard to hold that fact against this song. Like, if you're gonna bite, bite from the greats, and if we're being honest, the buttrock twist on the great mid-aughts post/punk revival is kind of great? It gives this song an actual edge that "Take Me Out" never had, "Take Me Out" feeling like four fancy gentlemen taking you on a tour through whimsy and wonder. That song still sounds great being dragged through mud and pounded with ten thousand fists, and it even emerges with something like an actual attitude? It's an attitude of someone who doesn't go to nightclubs actually going to a nightclub and finding themselves overstimulated, sure, but it fits that attitude.

100) "I Wonder," Kellie Pickler

There are some cold, cold lines in this song. "I hear the weather's nice in California" is brutal, but "I look in the mirror and all I see/Are your brown eyes looking back at me/They're the only thing you ever gave to me/At all" is devastating. I also love that there's a country song about a mother having abandoned her child; mommy issues are relatively unexplored in popular culture, but ESPECIALLY mommy issues had by women. This is one of the more lyrically unique songs I've heard, and I really want to forgive this song for trying to be a bleh over-produced basic country diva ballad. It's like a Tootsie Pop; I know there's chocolate in the center, but I'm not gonna eat a goddamn sucker for ten minutes just to hit that one piece of chocolate. I procrastinated and am writing all thirteen or whatever of these reviews in one sitting aND THESE ARE THE SIMILIES Y'ALL SHITS IS GETTIN

i’m not copypasting the top 20s because neither of them changed, y’all know what songs i like, and if not, hit up the yellin at songs tag to see past editions (note to self: make a tag for these posts, why are you writing a recurring series and not tagging the posts)

24 June 2017

42) "Down," by Fifth Harmony ft./Gucci Mane

"It's like Bonnie & Clyde just walked in/A gangsta and his bride just walked in." ...Okay, well, I didn't think "But it's real" would be topped QUITE this quickly, but I mean, how is Bonnie... not... a gangsta? Like she didn't rob AS many banks as Clyde, but just because she was late to the party, doesn't mean she wasn't a gangsta, she still robbed hella banks. Also, "We on the same team and we ballin'/Got me showin' off my ring like I'm Jordan." Michael Jordan had six rings. Like I know your prison time didn't coincide with Michael Jordan's amazing run of six NBA titles in eight years dude, come on, get it together. Anyway, this song, it's OK. It bleeped and blooped pleasantly, and everyone in Fifth Harmony is at least OK at singing. It was a song I listened to and have on the longlist for year-end Top 50 Or So.

53) "To the Max," by DJ Khaled ft./Drake

this is a song most aptly described as another one. it's another song where dj khaled memes at the top. it's another song where drake sings poorly about some bullshit. it's another drum track i'd rather hear performed by a drummer. it's another one. dj khaled also memes at the end. i apologize for starting this review before the song ended but, as dj khaled just intoned, it's another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, another one, anot73) "4 AM," by 2 Chainz ft./Travis ScottThis was also okay, but right now, I'm like nine songs deep, and the best two have been the seventeenth-best Rihanna song (unscientific ranking, don't @ me) and a rip-off of a much better song, and I just, Travis Scott's fine. I like his particular brand of trap music. I like how the song goes out-of-tune here and there, it's a really interesting touch, it makes the song feel like you're awake at 4 AM and jumping every time something flickers in the window because you don't know what's supposed to move at 4 AM. At least I don't need to listen to the next one, he says, realizing this means the true next one is goddamn bro country with the words "small town" literally in the fucking title.

82) "Whatever You Need," by Meek Mill ft./Chris Brown & Ty Dolla $ign

I think it's admirable that Meek Mill has come back from being owned by Drake. It must be really brutal being the only rapper Drake could possibly ever own. I'm sure he has made delightful pop/rap garbage, and I'm not going to listen it 'cuz, hey, look who's there!, but I'm glad he's here, and I hope to listen to one of his songs eventually.

85) "Small Town Boy," by Dustin Lynch

The worst three seconds of my life were the three seconds after I forgot what this song was called and thought Dustin Lynch had another song called "Smal Town Girl." I was going to throw my computer out the window. It's... It's a less dramatic gesture than it sounds, I live in a garden-level apartment, there's a chance Bertha 2.0 would survive. Let's listen to the song! "I'm a dirt road in the headlights/I'm a mama's boy/I'm a fist fight/Kinda county line/Kinda cold beer/Little hat down/Little John Deere." There are 27 words in this verse and 15 of them are used to create cliches, and that's just, that's just efficiency. You're busy. This song understands that you don't have time to sift through a dictionary to read those words you love, so it gives them straight to you, no fancy city metaphors or adverbs, just prepositions and dirt roads. It's a bad song.

87) "Know No Better," by Major Lazer ft./Travis Scott, Camila Cabello & Quavo

Look, what happend to "Run Up" is one of the greatest injustices of the 21st centuries, but I am relieved that this is the song seeking to right that wrong. Two of 2017's most ubiquitous stars and, for some reason, Travis Scott being gentler and fluffier than he's ever been, making a song that's a nice place to be for a few minutes. I don't love this as much as "Run Up," I love few things in life as much as I loved "Run Up," but it's a neat song! Major Lazer is a rather good popsmith, and I might just be holding on to this song just a bit too tightly because ah geez y'all can see what's coming I'll need these memories to be my light in the dark.

94) "It's Everyday Bro," by Jake Paul ft./Team 10

If this is a joke, it's a bad one, and if this is an actual attempt at music, it is not worth acknowledging much farther than this sentence.

97) "Somebody Else Will," by Justin Moore

...OK, the intro was legit. Like, for the half-minute or so that this was a lightly-funky song, I was down, and then it Borchettad and I remembered that this song always had a ceiling, but yo, whoever wrote this and gave it that smooth-ass intro -- I'm looking at Tebey Ottoh, seeing as he's the only credited songwriter with a Wikipedia page, Tebey Ottoh! I'm picking up what you're putting down, and I'm kinda stoked to hear what you do when you're not working with a big machine. (It's really interesting how there's literally a country music label pumping out shitty song after shitty song called Big Machine, and we're all OK with it. Like, a business called Big Machine that puts out a popular product that actively worsens the minds of its consumer base is like a thing out of a Mystery Science Theatre movie. We don't talk enough about how Big Machine does exactly what you'd think a company called Big Machine would do.)

99) "Nobody Else But You," by Trey Songz

I haven't calculated how many artists from 2007 have had songs chart in 2017, but it can't be too many, right? It's hard to stay relevant for a decade. Even if you're a country dude, like, Rodney Atkins and Craig Morgan are fixtures in 2007, and I would be stunned if I saw those names in the next few months. Fall Out Boy and Foo Fighters released new songs that didn't chart, and Paramore only qualifies because "Hard Times" was big enough to last for a week. Lily Allen didn't last, Fergie's nowhere to be seen, Jordin Sparks made a respectable go but isn't showing up anytime soon. Two of the young women with 2007 hits ended up being contestants on The Voice. Akon might as well be dead. You know who has endured?  You know who has survived, while countless others have fallen? Trey Songz. I can't think of a single live performance Trey Songz gave that showed the world how talented he was. I have never heard anyone on the street have a discussion about the latest in Trey Songz news, now can I remember the last thing Trey Songz did that could be considered newsworthy. I couldn't name any Trey Songz songs, and I am literally staring at the YouTube video for the Trey Songz song I just listened to. It is directly within my line of sight. I think it was called "Nobody Needs to Know" or something? How. How has Trey Songz survived this long. Who is listening to Trey Songz. Trey Songz has released seven studio albums. I don't know if I'm going to listen to them all, because there's music I'm more certain I'll like that I can listen to, but I have to figure this out, 'cuz man, I'm stumped.

again, no top twenties, let’s just get to what sort of matters but doesn’t, at all

Who Won?

...No one? I wanna say no one because I’ve been here for three hours and it’s a heat index of 92 in Minneapolis and my air conditioning unit is three rooms away from the room in which I keep Bertha 2.0, and none of these songs were worth calling winners. I guess 2007 had “Shut up and Drive” and “Paralyzer.” Those were solid Bs, plus you had the B- I gave “Nobody’s Perfect.” 2017 had at least three Cs, depending on how charitable I wanna be with the grade for that Justin Moore song with the cool bass line. But -- ah, I don’t wanna reward mediocrity, 2007 had the high points, let’s reward the songs I can honestly say I enjoyed. I guess 2007. I guess we’re gonna tie it up.

2017: 12 2007: 12

Next week, 2007 gives us Jack Johnson, My Chemical Romance, and Piles. Like that’s it. I should’ve waited until next week to procrastinate, three is much less than six!

[sammy-storme]

I discovered at an extremely tender age that change is inevitable. Change can be loathsome and it can be excruciating but it can also be marvelous and liberating. From the time I was a very young girl to even now it has intrigued me how change takes place in our lives. The concept that is change has affected my life for a long time. I refuse to sit here and whine or exclaim about every change that has happened to me in the course of my lifetime. I do not, however, take any issue with explaining a few of the major life changes that have recently impacted my life.

The first one that immediately comes to mind is that I have moved thousands of miles away from my birthplace. Now this is a very new development. It has been approximately four months since I changed my residence. It has been an illuminating experience to say the least. I was raised in what my family calls the “outside world” for seven years of my life. Now seeing as I am barely going to be twenty years old this coming summer, that is a nearly a third of my lifetime. Now, most of the people that might be reading this are going to question me as to what I mean by the “outside world”. Well to be able to answer that question in its entirety I will have to give some history of my life.

Let me explain what my family is and where we are from. We are from the Oglala Sioux Tribe and we are proud Oglala Lakota people. My family has homesteaded on heirloom property for generations now. This property is located on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Now I am sure that some of the people reading this have heard of this place. Many will have never heard of it before now. I am not and will never be one of those Natives that whine, moan, (and pardon my French) downright bitch about my birthplace. No, I am a Native that will tell you of the side nobody else seems willing to expose.

My family lives on 365 acres of property that has been passed down from parent to child for generations. I too will have a right to this land when my time comes. As of right now though I am thousands of miles from this property. Now, being on this much land also means we are far away from what we call “town”. In reality it is more of a village and my family and I laugh about it from time to time. It is true though. Since I have been in a metropolitan area I have found out how truly small the town of Pine Ridge really is. The town of Pine Ridge could fit in the area that is occupied by the apartments I currently reside in. My apartment complex is literally the same size as Pine Ridge. I laugh about it but this gives some insight to what I mean by the “outside world”. Being from a small town I did not grow up the same way a majority of people here in Sacramento did. Let me elaborate a little.

Here in Sacramento, California there is a Walmart or a Safeway or any other number of large store chains within walking distance of any residence really. Now in my hometown the nearest Walmart is about forty miles away from us. Although most of us do not really go to that one. That is for another post entirely. Most of us like to go to Rapid City for our shopping and things of such variety. That is 100 miles away from the town of Pine Ridge. My family and I used to make that trip once a month because that was all we could afford honestly.

On the note of money, let me tell you I preferred Pine Ridge to Sacramento. I would take the poverty of Pine Ridge over the poverty of Sacramento any day. I absolutely abhor people who say that the Native Americans that live on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation are always poor and have a hard time getting food on the table and their kids go hungry and all that (again pardon my French) bullshit. Yes we are the poorest county in the United States but my God I would rather be living in the poorest county in the United States than in one of the most economically stable states. Why? The answer to that is very simple although it takes more history.

I hate to admit it and honestly I really do wish there were another way to say or express or prove this but there is not. I am poor. I am poorer in the metropolitan of Sacramento than I was in the village of Pine Ridge. Now people will probably ask “Well how is that possible? You must mismanage your money!” No, I under no circumstances mismanage my money. Do you know what it is? It is the cost of living. In Pine Ridge it is easy to live off of a fifteen hundred dollar check. Here in Sacramento? You would be homeless faster than you could blink. My fiancé makes about twenty four hundred dollars a month and we are currently sinking. There is nobody here to save us. No family we can count on. At least in Pine Ridge you had family to support you. Hell they may not have any money to lend you because they barely pay their bills but they will be able to support you emotionally. They can point you in the right direction for you to get help if you need it.

I have tried to call about fifty different organizations that claimed to help people like me. Every time I got a hold of one of their representatives I basically had the door slammed in my face. We are not poor enough to need help. We are not poor enough to need food stamps. We are not poor enough for me to get medical. We simply are not poor enough. Now I call (pardon my French again) fucking bullshit on this. My fiancé makes twenty four hundred dollars every month after taxes. Most people would think that is a lot. Well let me tell you it is not. I honestly do not give two shits about putting my finances out there for people to see. What are they going to do? Judge me from afar? ~insert dry laugh~

We pay $1,375 every month for rent. That does not even include our utilities. For our electric and propane we pay $150 a month. Now we have our cell phones to worry about because his job requires him to have a cell phone and I need one to stay in contact with my family. This being the 21st century we have smartphones with all the bells and whistles and this runs us about $250 every single month. Then he needs fuel for his car so he can get to work to pay for the fuel for his car. This is about $100 every single month. Sometimes more if we, god forbid, try to do something fun or different during the month. Of course this being the 21st century and everything is now done online we have internet. This runs us about $70 a month. So our apartments suck and I really want to stab the owner in the eye with a shiv, but alas I cannot. We do not have a functioning laundry facility so this adds another $30 to our monthly expenses. Did I mention my fiancé has a car? Well he does and it has a payment of $511 every month along with $60 for the insurance. Again this is every. Single. Month.

So all of our bills come up to $2476. We are $76 in the hole every month. But wait! We forgot about food. Now I being the master that I am about bargain shopping (Thanks mom and dad) I can get about two weeks of food on $60. This is $120 a month. So instead of being $76 in the hole every month we are now $196 in the hole every month. Now you tell me from these figures, are we poor enough? I say hell fucking yes we are poor enough. Although the state of California does not see this. They see the pre-taxed money he makes and assumes that we will make it. How kind of them. ~insert heavy sarcasm~

In Pine Ridge my parents made about $1500 a month and we survived well. Sure we were not living like kings and going out every night. But we lived comfortably. We lived a life we were happy with. Where money did not mean everything and we did not need over $3,000 to live every month. So I would prefer Pine Ridge poverty to Sacramento Poverty. This has shaped in me a change I did not think would ever happen.

I used to be almost ashamed of being Native American. Now, out here among the white man I realize now more than ever how proud I am to be a strong Lakota woman. Because let me tell you if any white woman were to go through half of what I am going through now she would cave and leave the man she was with all because they did not make enough money for her to live comfortably. I am not like that. I plan to stick it out with my fiancé because that is what love is. For richer or for poorer. Sure we are not married yet but we are living like a married couple so why not act like it? Every time something comes up I tell him “We will figure it out. We always do.” And we have. We have always figured it out and I am so glad that it was my parents who raised me. I am so glad I am from a Native American family because it has taught me how to persevere through even the hardest times in my life.

So while the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation is the poorest county in the United States and we are such poor people who barely make money and no jobs, I must say this. We are the strongest people you will ever meet. We have the most beautiful culture and people. While we live in what white people would call squalor I believe with my entire being we live a richer lives on the poorest county than the people who live in the richest county. We are strong. We persevere. We are beautiful. We are Lakota. I am strong. I persevere. I am beautiful. I. Am. Lakota.

[thetemporother]

Use

A few years ago, my father gave me some advice that was meant to prepare myself for how people in the real world would behave toward me. Here it is: Never lend anyone anything you expect to get back. It's as if he spotted it in me those years ago that people would walk all over me. How kind he was to warn me. Not too long ago, I was contacted by a friend of someone who was no longer a friend, not even at the time this event took place. This was a person who was not even remotely someone I talked to even once in a while. It was about 3, maybe 4 in the a.m. and my younger cat had woken me up. I took a picture and uploaded to Snapchat as a bit of an annoyed yet adorable start to my day. My little monster on my pillow, staring me right in the eye before the crack of dawn, no shame. Almost immediately, this person contacted me. We'll call him Brady. So, Brady sends me a chat message, I believe it was a "what's up." Mind you, I've perhaps had only two real conversations with this fellow prior... I had hit high water with the mutual friends and as far as I knew by the time Brady had messaged me, I was nothing more than your typical skank. There was no reason for him to contact me at such an odd hour. Even if I happened to be awake. He asked how I was doing, to which i asked him why he had reached out to me. He made a feeble effort to play off not wanting anything. He said he wanted to see how I was doing. At 4 in the morning, let me ask this: who the FUCK cares? Sure enough, he was stranded by a friend whom he was helping out at the time in a town too many miles from home. Seconds after he admitted he needed a ride did he remember I lacked form of transportation. I wanted so badly to go back to sleep. Instead, I opened my Uber app. Though I had been to his place several times in the past, I couldn't for the life of me remember the address. When I asked him where he was headed, he replied with "your place." I wanted to hit Block and have a NyQuil fit of sleep until I woke up, convinced it was just a strange dream. My father had to have known I was doomed to be weak because I instead egged his home address out of him and requested the trip, which cost me almost $100. I made it a point to specify to the Uber driver not to make any side trips or stops for booze. Brady was to go straight home. When the trip was complete, Brady was kind enough to let me know he when he was safe in bed. He also let me in on a soft wish that he had wanted to come see me instead. He must have been drunk out of his mind. Just to have a beer, he said. He knew damn well I had slept with two of his friends. Whatever bet he must have lost, I was just glad to know that he was home instead of mugged in an alley somewhere. A couple of weeks later, he offered to pay me back for the trip. I couldn't bring myself to tell him how much it cost me. That was when I remembered what my dad told me. I knew then I didn't need a penny of it back. A small fee to keep people a safe distance. We no longer talk. My father had only wanted me to be a decent human in this world of indecency. I've let him down. I'm just another mold of flesh, capable of screwing over the next person. Not that I would, not on purpose. What I wanted was to fall in love with someone who was like my father beneath it all. Not to say my father is he best man in the world. As my father of course, he will always be the greatest man I'll ever know but he didn't treat everyone as wonderfully as he treated me. My mother still holds on to some of the ways he hurt her. They were merely another couple who failed to be on the same page, even after 15 years. Communication simply wasn't their thing. As a product of romantic dysfunction, I came to believe I couldn't find love. While I searched, pathetically, on a dating site that has probably never worked for anyone, I came across a face that had already done me wrong. We'll call him Carl. The first time we said goodbye, he sealed a deal with a girl who now has a restraining order against him. Not to mention, has cost him thousands of dollars, one thousand of which came out of my pocket. I guess I did it as a demonstration of how even after all those years of silence, I still would have given all I had to give. For months, I was the good girlfriend who was not good enough to be the official girlfriend. It's just not worth it unless down the line somewhere I file a restraining order. Day and night, I was there. Then one day, he was gone. I reached out, but received nothing. He would open messages that weren't worth responding to, I suppose. He was considerate enough to let my best friend know what was going on. Again, he had managed to cut to the core of my heart and plug it for all it had. I was starved of genuine affection. I was exhausted from the spent emotion and knowledge I have been used. I wish my father had elaborated on his advice. Before, I thought he was speaking about money. No. People will use you for so much more important pieces of your worth. You can lend so many things that you will never see again. Your time, your body, your words, your sense of humor, your comfort, your happiness, your love... If only my father told me what he really meant. Never lend anyone anything you expect to get back. Sincerely, The Temp