#bc there is no way they can spin that as our fault

[chronotopes]

if the god damn federal government delays my wifes ability to be employed !!!AGAIN!!!!! then i will truly without reservation face god and walk backwards into hell

[thebearer]

arguing with carmen and its big enough where you leave for the night but what’s even scarier to him is that you also took teddy

he'd have an actual psychotic break, nervous breakdown.

especially bc i'm picturing him reverting back to his old ways. it's rare, but he slips into a full carmy (in the lock in) level meltdown. gets unbalanced and spirals further and further, and you just happen to be who he takes it out on.

screaming at you like a maniac over something stupid- you didn't wash his spare whites (he didn't tell you they needed to be washed). it's his fault, he knows it deep down, still he's losing his shit because it's the final straw.

"you stay at home all day! all fucking day and you can't do one thing!" carmen's red faced, screaming.

you're shocked, scared, on the brink of sobbing yourself. teddy's woke up from her nap, his screaming startled her. the newborn wailing from her nursery.

"carmen, you didn't tell me-"

"-i shouldn't have to!" carmen roars. "you're home all day-"

"-i'm on maternity leave. i just had a baby-"

"-oh, so. you can't do one fuckin' thing now? i have to do it all here too?" carmen is spiraling, pacing, running a hand down his face. "i get no fuckin' sleep, go work my fuckin' ass off, a-and then i come home so i can go back and work my ass off some more, and you can't help me out?"

his words sting, shock you with the weight of them. swallowing back tears, you turn, climbing the stairs to the bedroom.

carmen is scoffing, hands shaking with rage and annoyance and just overwhelmed. your ignoring him stings. makes him spiral even more. "don't go do it now! it's too late!" carmen scoffs. "i've got a fuckin' critic coming in two hours, and i'll wear stained whites. probably get a shitty review about our food being gross an-and the chef being just as bad!"

you texted pete through your tears, telling him that you were coming to stay there for a while. shoving clothes for the night in your small bag quickly, hands shaking when you zipped it up, your wedding ring flashing at you. you stared at it, a wave of tears coming over you, screwing the ring off your finger and setting it on carmen's night stand next to a photo of you two on your honeymoon.

you packed teddy and anchovy's things quickly, knowing you'd come back tomorrow to get what else you needed. just the essentials, to get through the night. anchovy in his carrier, and teddy in her's, you ignored carmen's pacing, his deep breaths and clenched eyes, walking straight to the garage.

carmen looked up at the sound of the door, standing quickly. a damning rush of horror, of realization washed over him, pulled him right out of his clouded tantrum.

"w-what- what are you- hey, what-" carmen runs towards the car door, where you're putting teddy's car seat into place, shushing the wailing girl gently.

"-don't fucking touch me." you sneer, teeth bared in primal rage, pure protectiveness.

"baby, wait, wait, ju-just hold on. where're you- hey, don't- where're you goin'?" carmen's frantic, eyes wide, stomach churning.

you shut the car door, moving past him without looking to get to the driver's side. "no, no, no, no, no. don't-baby please, don't. i-i-i'm sorry. i'm sorry!" carmen's stuttering in fear, hands shaking trying to hold the door open, keep you from shutting it.

"let go." you growl, yanking the door. "you're not going to talk to me like that, carmen. i don't care if you're stressed, i don't care. you're not going to come home and talk to me like that because you fucked up. not when i've been at home all day taking care of our- my child."

carmen feels dizzy, mouth filling with spit, sure he's about to throw up.

you slam the door, eyes watery and red and angry, glaring at him before pulling out of the driveway.

carmen's left alone in the garage, knees weak, hands shaking. his ears are ringing, head spinning, sure that he's hallucinating- that this has to be a sick sick dream. floods of realization icy through his veins.

the house is eerily quiet, so still. no teddy, no anchovy, no you.

he isn't sure how long he sits in the garage, the sun sinking in the horizon, but he stays motionless and still. richie shows up eventually, frantic and wide eyed.

"cousin! what the fuck? dinner service started a fuckin' hour ago, and we-" he stops, slowing his stride when he gets closer. carmen's vacant gaze, trembling hands.

"hey, carm, what's goin' on? you-you alright?" richie's voice dropped low and slow, like he used to with mikey. "carmen. hey, what's-"

"-she left." carmen whispered, his eyes wide in horror. "she-she left and she took t-teddy." carmen breaks, a sob choking out of his throat.

"why? why did she-" richie stops, looking at carmen. "carmen, what did you do?"

carmen sobs- no, wails. broken and terrified and horrified. full chest sobs that are more like screams. the realization of what he had done, what he had said, feeling the full weight of the consequences of his actions for the first time.

[blackdollette]

hi hi :3 can i request something with spencer after a particularly agonizing case and he’s just being stand offish and a little rude with just a smidge of fluff at the end bc they talk it out or something ^.^

this request is longggg overdue :((

"if i had my way, you would always stay." | s. reid

tomorrow never came. - lana del rey

fill out the taglist form! : @thirtyratsinasuit @auggiethecreator @oliviah-25 @sleepysongbirdsings @pleasantwitchgarden @emma-e-a @bellasprettywords

⊹₊⋆ pairing:bau!female!reader x spencer

⊹₊⋆ word count: 960

⊹₊⋆ contents: dismissive spencer, slight tension, a little fluff

“am i seeing you tonight?”

you sat at spencer's desk, fiddling around with his large assortment of pens arranged in rainbow order, watching as he scattered through mounds of files.

he glanced back at you through his peripheral vision.

“you're seeing me right now, aren't you?”

you snorted out a little laugh, your spinning chair groaning lowly as you stood up and approached him. you stood right behind him, slowly trailing your hands up his clothed arms and back down again.

“not like that, genius. we made plans last week, remember? i've been looking forward to them all day.”

spencer swallowed hard as he flipped through a particularly gorey photo of the current victim. a honey-crusted wound infested with an assortment of bugs and rodents feasting on the rotting flesh. what a wonderful way to get him in the mood.

your eyes shot away from the image faster than they landed on it. you removed your hands from him, now awkwardly tapping at your sides.

“i'm not sure how you can talk about the plans we made 168 hours ago when we've got a case like this on our hands.” he murmured, not even bringing his gaze to yours for a second.

you froze up, not used to being shut down by him like this. you didn't want to admit it, but this case had been rubbing him the wrong way since the start. and it has definitely taken a toll on him.

you cleared your throat, the room suddenly seeming a little warm. “y-yeah, i know. but… taking a break might be good for you. for us.”

you smiled, hoping that he would return the warmth with that dorky grin of his. but he just looked straight at you with a blank stare.

“taking a break isn’t going to get us any closer to solving this. who knows how many people could be in danger right now…”

your body grew stiff, your palms becoming clammy as he shifted his attention away from you once again. over the past day, spencer had seemed to build a wall around himself, subconsciously pushing you away. but the last thing you could do was blame him for his change in demeanor. he was right, after all. who knew how many other lives were about to meet a gruesome end…

the thought sent a shiver down your spine, a heavy pit filling your stomach. the atmosphere in the room had become uninhabitable in just a matter of seconds.

you shuffled back to your desk, picking up your bag and slinging it over your shoulder, glancing at the analog clock that hung on the wall behind you. it was a couple minutes past midnight, the latest you had ever stayed at the office.

“i’m going to call it a night. see you tomorrow, spence…”

no response. you weren’t even sure that he heard you. with a deep sigh, you led yourself out. a cold shower of rain hit you as soon as you stepped outside. quickly walking to your car, your slumped into the seat, looking back at the building as you drove away.

~ ~ ~

after a much-needed shower, you sank down into your soft bed, feeling your tensed muscles relax. though your body was slowly succumbing to the exhaustion, your mind was still buzzing actively. with the current case, the heavy storm that was tearing through your neighbourhood, and most of all: spencer.

you knew it wasn’t his fault, but this stood as a reality check to you. in the grand scheme of things, you only stood as a temporary distraction from the things that really mattered to him. a deep, shaky breath escaped your parted lips. the best thing to do right then was to try and get some sleep.

as your eyes slowly drooped shut, the shrill scream of your doorbell rang through the room. your body jolted from the startle. it was an hour past midnight. what sane person would be up and ringing doorbells at this hour?

you groaned, standing up from your bed and slipping on a pair of socks, making your way to answer the door. you looked through the peephole, but the blackness of the night consumed your vision. 

you slowly turned the door handle, poking your head out just enough to see who was there. with his sodden hair plastered across his face, the umbrella over his head practically useless, spencer met your curious gaze with a shy little smile.

“h-hey…” a loud sneeze over took his body. “i-it’s really cold out here…”

you felt a twinge of pity for him. his nose and cheeks were stained with splotches of pink and the bags under his eyes were telltales of how big a toll the case was having on him.

“spencer… what’s going on..?”

he couldn’t bring his eyes to you, but you could sense that he was tensed.

“the team thought i’d be a good idea to call it a night…” he began to fiddle with his thumbs. “...you’re not mad at me, right..?”

he met your gaze, his eyes pleading. you sighed deeply.

“no, i’m not mad. but what are you doing here? you should be heading home.”

he sniffled, wiping his nose with his dampened sleeve.

“o-oh. well… i was hoping that we could watch a movie or something. i-i can cook you dinner and we can have a good time. just like we planned…”

you rubbed your eyes, trying to fight the smile that tugged at your lips. spencer finally looked at your attire, taking in the sight of you in your pajamas.

“oh, were you in bed? did i wake you up?”

you laughed, putting a hand on his arm and stroking it gently.

“don’t worry about it, spence. come on in.”

author's note: i wanna get another spencer fic out today.

[ladylooch]

Drunk Me with Mat Barzal 

A/N: The people wanted angsty and fluffy. So, here is is :D 

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: Drunk, Swearing, Angst, smidge of smut but I’m not gonna slap a warning on it cause I kept it PG13 (you’re welcome or I’m sorry?).

All the promises I made to myself before I got to the bar tonight have been broken.

Don’t think about Mat.

Don’t mix your alcohols.

Don’t cry in the bathroom.

Each one of them is smashed to smithereens on the wet, worn floor of the bar in our hometown of Coquitlam, BC.

At that realization, I suck up the last of my “I swear this is my last” vodka soda. 

I look to my left where my best friend, Maggie, is laughing with her new boyfriend. I scoff bitterly. We were supposed to be hot messes together this summer coming off long-term relationship break ups. Now, she’s moving on with the new love of her life, while I’m left to wallow about Mat being back in town.

Mat and I broke up months ago. Nothing crazy even happened between us. It was just the reality that we were at a pivotal relationship moment and I couldn’t do it. Mat said we are both on different paths, growing in different directions, but I don’t see it. Things were good how they were. He ruined it. Maybe on purpose. Maybe it was all just an excuse for him. Maybe Mat wants to fuck puck bunnies. I don’t know. All I do know is there is a gaping hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.

My chest is now heavy with grief and I consider going to the bar to get another vodka soda. But the neon signs are already spinning and another sip of alcohol will have me back in the bathroom, clutching a public toilet. A heat wave surges through my body and agitation crawls on my skin as I look at Maggie again. So much for girls’ night. Her new boyfriend showed up with a group of his friends and it became clear why we came here when I wanted to go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I hate this bar. Mat and I used to sit in that corner booth, disappearing from our friend group to touch each other and whisper the hot things we would do later.

It hurts to be here. 

“I need some air.” I announce to the bar, lifting my long hair off my neck as a wave of nausea rolls through me.

Mat was wrong. We haven’t grown apart. We just… grew up, together, and yeah, I didn’t want to move to New York, but what was wrong with what we had? I flew out there regularly. I stayed for weeks until I had to leave the country again. It wasn’t my fault the U.S. government is so strict. Mat did bring up getting me a special visa that the other Islander’s girls utilized. But it felt too… daunting. After I said no, he started creating distance, then he came home just to leave me.

I should have said yes. I know that now. And I’ve gone back to that moment weekly since he’s been gone. Every time, I say the right thing.

I let my hair fall back onto my neck once I’m outside. Anger burns in my rib cage, fueling an unreasonable reaction. I decide, drunkenly and months later, that he had no right to ask me to move to New York. He put me on the spot. It’s my life and I get to choose for me. But he made it an ultimatum without even telling me. If he would have said move here or break up, I would have at least known what I was up against!

And I’m going to tell him that.

Before my rational brain can catch up, my phone is out of my pocket and in my hand. I pound at his name, once, twice, three times until I actually get the call to go through with my swirling vision.

“Hello?” He’s groggy and my stomach lurches out of my abdomen at the thought of him in bed.

“You know, I have something to say to you.” I slur at him. I ignore the way my throat tightens at the sound of his sigh.

“Y/N?” I can practically hear him rubbing his eyes sleepily on the other line. It is getting close to bar close and he sounds like he’s been asleep. I hear rustling on the other end.

“Are you with someone?” I whisper before I can stop it.

“No?” I suck in a breath at his sharp tone. “Where are you?”

“At Pete’s.” I say, making my way over to the wall and leaning against it.

“Are you with someone?”

“I was with Maggie, but she’s sucking some guy’s face right now. I just want to go home.” I kick at a pebble with my boot, not even registering the whining and desperation in my voice.

“Is that what you called to tell me?”

“I… guess.” I squish my eyes together. Mat is quiet on the other end. The silence in the air is filled with tension as I watch people leave the entertainment district, catching rides and heading to their beds, most of them not alone unlike me. It makes my skin crawl, thinking of my empty bed where he should be, holding me and stroking my bare skin after a night of loving each other. I purse my lips. “Will you come get me?” I beg quietly, tears filling my voice.

More silence.

“I’ll be there in five.” He finally says as I hear him walking through his bedroom to get dressed again.

“Okay.” I click end, then lean back against the brick wall to wait.

His expensive black car rolls up, dark tinted windows making it difficult to see inside. He comes to a stop in front of me as people on the sidewalk stretch their necks to get a peek of who it might be. I suck my cheeks in, watching as his driver’s side door opens. He stands, turning to look at me still leaning against the wall. His black Adidas shirt is stretched wide across his chest. His arms rest against the door and the top of his car as he takes me in. My make up has long since peaked, so black mascara smudges around my eyes along with smeared pink lipstick.

“Let’s get you home.” He finally calls to me. I push off from the wall, glancing at the passerby’s who study us curiously. Everyone in this town knows Mat. They know me too, but mostly as his ex-girlfriend. They wonder what we are doing together now. I reach the passenger side door, popping it open after stealing one last glance at his face. He looks so good, nothing like he was just fast asleep until a pathetic girl called him into the nightlife.

“Are you okay?” He asks, the clicking of his blinker filling the car. I nod my head. “Do you still live in the same place?” I wince, hating the reality that he hasn’t been over since the Islanders were in town in January.

“Yeah.” I finally respond. I pull my phone out, texting Maggie that I went home so she doesn’t worry about me. I don’t bother telling her with whom.

I thought I missed Mat earlier tonight, but being in this car, feeling his heat and smelling his body wash is a whole new level of ache. I shouldn’t have called him. I should have Lyfted home and deleted his number. 

“This is nice.” I motion to the vehicle.

“Thanks. I wanted an upgrade from last year.” I think of the instagram stories he shared from New York with his big breasted rebound.

“In many areas.” I snort, my drunkenness becoming obvious to him with my loose tongue. Thankfully, Mat lets that comment slide off into the darkness, never to be mentioned again.

“How’s your mom doing?” He asks, switching to a seemingly safety subject.

“She’s good. She has this huge collection of jewelry she’s been making for the county fair. Tons and tons of really great pieces. She’s proud of how it’s all coming together. My brother is even building these cool floating-” I stop abruptly. The county fair I’m talking about is the place Mat and I had our first kiss six years ago. I don’t want to remember that night right now. Mat turns, expecting me to continue. “Yeah, she’s good.” I finish, looking out the windshield as he slows to a red light.

“That’s cool. Maybe I’ll stop by the fair to see her this year. It’s been awhile since I’ve been…” He trails off like he’s getting lost in a memory. I’m not self-centered enough to believe it’s about us. An uncomfortable silence descends that makes Mat cough before attempting small talk again.

“Um, how are you?” He wonders, thumb stroking against the leather of his steering wheel. The air conditioning blows heavily on my arms, making goosebumps tighten my skin. I push the vents to face away. Mat reaches for the air control, mumbling an apology.

“I’m… fine.” I finally settle on. “You?”

“Can’t complain.” He shrugs, turning onto my street.

“Thanks for coming to get me.” I tell him as he pulls to a stop in front of my building. He puts the car in park, but keeps the car running. I undo my seatbelt, slowly letting it fall back into the door. I turn to look at him, dying inside at his beautiful gaze looking back at me.

“You’re welcome. Glad you’re safe… and okay.” His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares down at the stereo rather than back at me.

I wait for another moment. I’m not sure what more I am expecting from this. Unfortunately, my drunken mind fills in the silence with more thoughts of us and New York. I can still see the devastated look on his face when I said no to moving. I hate how things ended with us. I hate my contribution to it and I hate that it’s so damn awkward being with him now. I purse my lips together, feeling emotion clog the back of my throat. I reach for the handle, pushing the door open and stepping out. I toss my purse back onto my shoulder, then lean down to meet his gaze again.

“I’m sorry.” I say to him, poking my head back into the car. I can’t let him leave without him knowing that.

“For what?” He asks, hand gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles.

“For not moving to New York.” I shut the door, expecting to hear his car peel off into the street. Instead, the purr behind me ceases. The pop of his door follows.

“You can’t just say that to me and walk away. I know you’re drunk, but that is not fair.”

“I’m just being honest.” I shrug, reaching for my keys in my purse, thankful they are still there. His footsteps get closer until his fingers reach around to grab my keys from my hand. He touches the fob to the door and holds it open for me to walk through. I pause, studying him. His long black hair flows against his forehead in a large curl that adds to his sexy agitation. 

“Go, please. I can’t not walk you up. It doesn’t feel right.” He waves me in.

“You don’t need to do me anymore favors.”

“It’s not for you.” He shakes his head, following me into the building. I press the up button on the elevator, then select 4 for my floor.

Mat and I look at each other. I’ve made something shifted between us. I wonder if he feels it too. The depth of his eyes makes me think he does, but the truth is, I don’t know Mat as well as I used to. He’s changed in the last six months. Yet, my feelings for him are just as consuming. All the things I want to say to him are pressing into my tongue until it feels like I’m choking on the words. I’m too drunk and lonely and I miss the way it feels when he hugs me. I drop my gaze from his, lips twisting into a grimace.

Mat opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but in the end he doesn’t. We walk silently down to my apartment. Mat still has my keys in his hand. Slowly, he brings them between us for me to grab. Now, our transaction is done. He’s walked me to the door. I have my keys. How do we say goodbye?

“Thank you.” I finally say, turning to put the key in the door and flipping the lock.

“Call anytime. I’ll always be here for you.” Mat says, shoving his hands into the pockets of his shorts. “Goodnight.” He gradually turns to walk back to the elevator.

“Mat.” I hear myself sputter.

Uh oh.

“Yeah?” He asks, turning around, eyebrows furrowed like he’s struggling internally.

“Will you stay? I don’t think I can be alone.”

Unexpectedly, Mat agrees then walks back to me. Once I push the door open, he goes casually towards my bedroom like he has hundreds of times before, pulling his shirt over his head as he goes. The defined muscles of his back make my mouth go dry. 

Our bodies go into autopilot, getting undressed and ready for bed in the way we always used to. It isn’t long before we are both under the blankets, firmly on our own sides of the mattress. Timidly, I feel Mat reach for me. I take his hand, letting him roll me onto my side so we are looking at each other, legs touching. The darkness masks our faces in shadows.

“Mat?”

“Hm?” His breathy grunt is warm against my forehead.

“Do you think of me when you’re in New York?”

“Of course I do. Why else would I be here?” I contemplate that for a moment, then continue.

“Are you going to regret this tomorrow?”

“Only if you do.”

- - - 

The next morning, I awaken to sunlight rudely brightening my room. I groan into my pillow, feeling around for the spare pillow on the other side of the bed to bring back darkness. Instead of cotton, I come in contact with a face. Everything in my stills. I don’t remember much from last night, except a faint memory of fingers stroking my back. Did we…?

“It’s me and no we didn’t do anything.” I hear Mat say. His voice is deep and rich from sleep. It puts me at ease. Until he reaches across the bed, pulling me into his body. It’s so intimate as he seals my butt to his lap, back to his chest. His hand snakes around my stomach, holding me in place.

“What are you doing?”

“I need to tell you something, but I want to feel you in my arms while I do.” I still, barely breathing as I feel his calm heartbeat against my back. “I shouldn’t have asked you to move to New York. It was too much. I didn’t think you were going to say no, and I still don’t quite understand why you did, but I respect your choice.” My eyes close and I settle myself deeper into his body. He responds with a tighter grip on me, nose pressing to my shoulder until he speaks again. “I’ve been missing you… and us… When you called last night, and asked me to stay, I felt happy for the first time in awhile. I fucked everything up.” I put my hand on his over my stomach, interlocking our fingers together.

“Mat, I ruined this. I should have said yes. I was just really scared. What if I moved there and it didn’t work out? How was I going to come back here after that? I never let myself consider how much better it could have been. And I should have."

“You know, there is still time for you to change your mind. We could start slow. You move into my place here. Then, you move one suitcase at a time to New York until somehow all your stuff is there?” I smile, turning to press my lips into his forearm beneath my head. I want that. Desperately.

“On one condition.”

“Anything. Probably.” His lips brush against my neck as he speaks, practically kissing me. Each brush has lightning bolting through my veins. He gathers the courage to fully press his lips on my neck. I bring my hand around, holding his face to my skin, savoring his sweet touch.

“Tell me you’re still in love with me.” I whisper.

“Of course I am.” He murmurs. “How could I stop?”

“You’re the love of my life, Mat Barzal.” I turn awkwardly in his arms so our lips can connect. We make out. Every month, week and day we have spent apart has us greedily sucking each other. His hands run down my body, gripping my ass in his palms as I hook a leg over him.

“Somethings never change.” He says against my mouth, teeth connecting with my lips as he laughs. “Your nights at Pete’s still ends with mornings like this.” Mat ruts our hips together, building our excitement.

I think back to the promises I made in this bed last night before I went out, laughing at how each one of those broken agreements lead me to exactly where I wanted to be anyway.

Thank you, drunk me.

[reinathevocaloid]

A Sladick Playlist

(Bc these two have been living in my head rent-free these days lol)

Animals by Maroon 5 (Cover by Living in Fiction)

Baby, I'm preying on you tonight Hunt you down, eat you alive Just like animals

I Don't Know Why by Imagine Dragons

Dangerous Your love is always dangerous And now I'm lost in us We're livin' in a lying trust

damn. by Rei Ami

So tell me why you're back again Say what you mean, mean what you say 'Cause what you give is what you get And I don't forget

Killing Time by Infected Mushroom

In my dreams (I can kill you) Close to me You open the cage and he sets you free

Amsterdam by Daughter

Heavy eyed crawling on the roadside Swinging from the street lights I hope by the morning I will have grown back

heart of steel by sanjay.

What would I do with a heart of steel Protect what I love when I don't even feel Taken the chance to fix what I need Nothings right I need a chance to breathe

Maybe by Flower Face

You're the one who's in my body, ripping at the seams And you're the one who's crashing on the highways in my dreams Maybe I won't, maybe I will I haven't slept so easy since you left me in the wild I wish I could've loved you right, but I was just a child Maybe I won't, maybe I will run back to you

Psychobabble by Frou Frou

Do just what I tell you And no one will get hurt Don't come in any closer 'Cause I don't know how long I can hold my heart in two Make no sudden movements And no one need get hurt You're making me nervous If you know what's good for me why would I be loving you?

Knee Socks by Arctic Monkeys

When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock When you know who's callin' even though the number is blocked When you walked around your house wearin' my sky blue Lacoste And your knee socks

Turn Off The Lights by Panic! At The Disco

I got so sick of being on my own Now the devil won't leave me alone It's almost like I've found a friend Who's in it for the bitter end

Just Pretend by Bad Omens

I can wait for you at the bottom I can stay away if you want me to I can wait for years if I gotta Heaven knows I ain't getting over you

Invisible by Plumb

I cannot see you But I can feel you I just wanna be with you I've nowhere else to go I've nowhere else to go

Red by BEAUZ

I know all your little secrets Did you think that I'd forget? The first cut always goes the deepest You ain't seen nothing yet

Waiting Game by BANKS

Baby I'm thinking it over What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start? What if it only gets colder Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart 'Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

The Walk by Imogen Heap

No, it's not meant to be like this Not what I planned at all I don't want to feel like this So that makes it all your fault

The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez

The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all

Hold Me Like A Grudge by Fall Out Boy

Hold me, hold me like a grudge The world is always spinning, and I can't keep up, whoa Faster and faster, can't do it on my own Part-time soulmate, full-time problem, yeah So hold me like a grudge

Strange Birds by Birdy

You've always loved the strange birds Now I want to fly into your world I want to be heard My wounded wing's still beating, You've always loved the stranger inside Me, ugly pretty

Coming Down by Halsey

Now we're lost somewhere in outer space In a hotel room where demons play They run around beneath our feet We roll around beneath these sheets

Death Valley by Fall Out Boy

But we are alive Here in death valley But don't take love off the table yet 'Cause tonight It's just fire alarms and losing you We love a lot So, we only lose a little But we are alive

The Definition of Not Leaving by Hands Like Houses

I want you to follow and find me Howl like its us and no-one else We could keep out the sadness and stand so tall We could run like wild things, and lie right where we fall

Undisclosed Desires by Muse

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask I want to exorcise the demons from your past I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Disciple by IAMX

Disciple, I absolve you So forgive yourself enough to obey the naked truth That you need to be owned And you beg to be controlled

On The Run by Kayou.

I guess you're back Are you gonna tell me where you went? All the messages I sent, with no reply It's like that You're just gonna walk into my room I hate how you assume That there will always be a place for you By my side Day or night You know that it's killing me

Raw Raw by K.Flay

I came up from the depths of hell with a golf club in my hand You disarmed me, no defense My armor turned to sand It's hard to escape the wounds of the past Every time I feel something real, I wanna take it back

Red Lights by Stray Kids

I'm going crazy now, out of control, I I'm staying up all night again The moment when I close my eyes All I see is red lights

All About Us by t.A.T.u.

They say They don't trust You, me, we, us So we'll fall if we must 'Cause it's you, me And it's all about, it's all about It's all about us

Heaven, Iowa by Fall Out Boy

Scar-crossed lovers forever I'm checking myself out forever I'm saving this all for later Scar-crossed lovers forever Here we are, untouched forever I'm saving this all for later, oh

Spiracle by Flower Face

And I want your parties, the shark in your water The scrapes on your knees and the blood that spills over And I want your zeroes, your polluted marrow The sweat on your palms and your surveillance shadow

[basket-of-cats-and-witches]

OC Ramblings: Kitty Hale (or Kit)

Unsurprising that this is happening considering how hard the Love and Deepspace brainrot has hit.

I'll tuck it under a read more (so I don't clog up everyone's dash...) but I've been having some general thoughts about her.

For those in the L&Ds fandom, Kit is my non-MC who's romancing Sylus. Clearly I write a lot about them, but he's her boss, and she's his assassin second in command. I actually didn't know this was a common trope until after I created her.

Oh, well. I love her too much to care, tbh. We can't all be unique, but putting your own spin on a classic can freshen it up a lot.

So now, to the Read More, and the ramblings. If you enjoyed this, please leave a like. It brightens my day when I see people enjoying my content.

Kit's general stats

Height: 5'11/180cm

Name: Camilla Kitty Hale (she goes by Kit)

Age: 26

Hair: Black, loose curls

Eyes: dark purple/brown (not heterochromia, just the particular shade I chose looks almost brown)

Birthday/sign: January 1st/Capricorn

I really enjoy Kit as an OC, and as a companion to Sylus. There's something about the ✨yearning✨ that's tasty, of course, with the canon story for Sylus and all our other LIs, but I opted for extreme slow burn and like recognizes like.

Kit's...a lot. She's been refined again and again so that she's not just my trauma dump character. There's always one, and you just gotta sort of shape them into their own thing.

She's fierce, loyal to a fault, and deeply vulnerable. I think that she's viewed herself as a tool for so long that it's created a sense of naivete, which is something Sylus clocks immediately.

When you're in survival mode for that long, most things get tossed to the wayside, and that includes relationships and intimacy.

This doesn't just mean romance, although it is a big part of it especially for Kit, but it does create some good tension and back and forth between her and Sylus. She's extremely skilled on the battlefield, well enough to keep pace with him (which is honestly a feat in itself), but when it comes to flirting, courtship, and what's in the bedroom, Sylus leads their strange push and pull.

I don't have the patience to write a true slowburn (especially bc a two year slowburn would be like 50k and I...hngh. I can't brainrot myself like that. I wouldn't get any work done. I'm already writing fic like crazy). But! It would be genuinely interesting to see it.

Sylus is a very direct character. He seeks consent from those he cares about, is blunt to a fault, and exceptionally intuitive. Whereas Kit knows her way around a battlefield, but has a tendency to bottle up and not talk about what's bothering her unless pushed. Probably because her backstory features her getting punished for expressing her personal thoughts.

There's a fun scene that I don't actually remember if I posted here where Sylus and Kit actually talk about it and her trauma a little bit.

-

“Is it okay for us to do these things?” She mumbled. Her hands dropped over his, smoothing over the ridges of his knuckles and finding the calluses of his fingers. “I just have a hard time feeling as if it's not some sort of…weakness. People like us aren't nice, do we deserve nice things? Do…I deserve things? What happens if I let myself relax and be…”

Kit hesitated for a second, before pushing on. “What happens if I want to be cute and girly, and someone uses that against me? Sometimes I feel like I'm only allowed to be the…” she trailed off, sighing.

Sylus smiled wryly. “The monster?” He supplied, his tone quietly bitter. “I've had a bit more room to come to terms with it, Kitty, so listen.” He spun her around, his hands settling on her shoulders. His eyes were dark, hollow and sad in a way that reminded Kit why they matched so well. “You're human, Kit. Specifics aside, you are, in fact, human. No matter what anyone says, you have a heart that feels deeply, that bleeds and beats like anyone else's. And it's because you have a heart that you deserve the same things as anyone else.

You're not a weapon, baby.” His soft voice made her lips tremble, her stomach twisting with the heavy weight of her emotions.

“Unfair of you to use that nickname now,” she whispered hoarsely.

Sylus smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “We're not monsters,” he said. It seemed to be as much to himself as it was to her. “And if anyone tries to use your joy against you, you have me, the twins, and even Mephisto.”

She laughed wetly, her eyes shiny with unshed tears.

-

I've always loved the idea of two people teaching each other to move past their traumas. Honestly, in my personal opinion, part of growth and recovery from trauma is teaching someone else. My therapist talks about "parenting oneself" a lot, about being the parent to yourself that you may not have had in a way to sort of...help guide your brain towards healthier habits. And I apply that here as well. Mentoring someone who's not as far along as you but has similar trauma can help you, as well (be careful with that and consult professionals, I'm just a writer with my own baggage).

In teaching Kit to love and be loved, to be human again, it feels like Sylus is teaching himself as well. Not to mention that she often calls him out on his bad habits and keeps him in check. It's a push and pull, they're on relatively equal standing. I think that's why it's so easy to write them as a relationship, and why they mesh so fast even as a new thing. There's established rapport and even, dare I say, friendship that builds a very solid foundation for romance. There's good communication between them even when they're being stubborn, and the two never really have many misunderstandings.

-

“You-!” She bites out. “You've been grumpy and short with me since I got here!” Kit shoves the towel back at him, furiously wiping him down even as she snarls.

“I have been trying to follow your orders all day. ‘Kit, teach this kid’ ‘Kit, pour water on me’ I'm doing my best, Sylus! I want to be good for you! I want to follow your orders! I came out to the middle of the desert, no questions asked, on a dime, because you told me to! Cut me some slack and put those gentling gloves on, because I know you can! Now, lean down so I can dry your hair!”

Kit glares at him, and she instantly knows she's well and truly fucked. Sylus's eyes are a bright, burning red, the right one beginning to glow in a way that is as annoyingly arousing as it is terrifying.

And yet, he leans down quietly, bowing his head for her.

Without a word, she sweeps the towel over the wet strands. Her hands tremble. Despite her harsh words, despite losing her temper, she is, as ever, gentle with him. As if she were handling fragile and delicate glass.

Larger hands cover her own, and she can't help but flinch.

“Are you scared of me?” Sylus’s voice is ever-so-soft, almost tentative. There's a strangely raw edge to it, as if he anticipates the worst possible answer.

“No,” she whispers. “The ones I flinch from are ghosts, not you. Are you mad at me?”

As if he can hear her silent permission, Sylus steps forward, crowding her against the wall. His head drops to her shoulder. For a moment, all she can hear is the steady sound of his breathing.

It takes a moment, the heat of his body seeping into hers, Kit’s thin undergown the only physical barrier between them. Then, he speaks. “It’s…complicated. I'm not mad at you. You're not the only one with ghosts, Kit.”

(from my Lost Oasis piece)

-

Sylus made himself snap back to attention.

“Talk,” he said forcefully, his eye glinting. “I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong.”

Kit wilted further.

“...riod,” she mumbled.

Sylus tapped her forehead reprimandingly. “Louder.”

“I'm on my period!” She whined, her cheeks flushed bright red. “So please, kindly, can you fuck off? I hurt so much and I took medication and it's not helping!”

His eye twitched, and his hands settled on her hips, flexing in irritation. “I understand that you're hurting,” he said firmly. “You still don't have the right to talk to me that way.

I'm well aware you only snap at me like this when you need something but you feel embarrassed, so just tell me. Or I will leave you, and you won't be happy with me when you're done with your cycle.”

Sylus's tone was icy and flat, in a way it hadn't been in a long time.

Kit deflated. She looked down at her lap, the tip of her nose turning pink as she fiddled with her fingers.

“Sorry,” she whispered, swallowing hard. “You're right. I'm being unnecessarily cruel. That's not okay or fair to you.”

He leaned forward, kissing her forehead. “Thank you for apologizing. Now, tell me what you need.”

(from an unreleased fic that I probably won't post bc it's VERY nsfw)

-

Anyway, I genuinely love this pairing because, ironically, it's a very healthy relationship. They communicate, they hold each other responsible, and they help each other out. Despite the fact that they're both very much criminals, lmao.

Kit comes from a place with a lot of trauma, she was born in the Vagrant's Quarter, and she's very much another person who was once a kid desperate to survive despite the odds. Just because she has a healthy relationship with her adopted father and foster sister doesn't mean she's not constantly in the thick of it, and due to lots of backstory reasons, she can't stay away from the N109 zone and the career she was forced to have (not by Sylus).

There's something about abuse and "going back to what you know because it's easier than fighting against it and going it alone", and that's very prevalent in Kit's life.

If I were to do guesswork, I think that Sylus may have been the same when he was younger and more vulnerable. Even the terrifying leader of Onychinus was a child, once.

This is such a solid pairing to me, no wonder I have brainrot about them both.

If you've made it to the end of this rambling, thank you!! I hope you enjoyed all the little snippets and heavy topics. You're wonderful!

[bats-after-dark]

I had some thoughts, but they vanished at "furen, you fucked me so hard I can still feel it." And you're so right, Xiaobao may be elliptical, but he has moments of shining sex pest potential, like when he asks Huaien to basically lick the taste of medicine from his mouth.

Speaking of that medicine. So, we know how certain Tumblr user guzhufuren is reading our "plot," right? This ask is all their fault (affectionate). Idk if you have seen the video they keep reblogging, of this one guy (or ANGEL) sweetly on his knees at the club or in the cab and someone gently giving him a shot and patting his cheek. I don't know if this makes sense or if it's just my lizard brain, but parallels between this and Huaien making Xiaobao drink the medicine from the bowl are being drawn. And the more I think about this, the more I think getting Xiaobao drunk or consensually giving him aphrodisiac or whatever would play very nicely into their Big Trust scheme. Also, degradation/praise works here too, because Huaien can tease an absolutely sloppy and horny Xiaobao that he's incorrigible, how is he just the same when he's sober, always desperate to be fucked and ready to grovel. Probably he's notably more desperate and disoriented while drugged up but hey, whatever gets him to come untouched from the sheer tension!

BUT I ALSO HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT INTOXICATED HUAIEN. Xiaobao probably has thoughts about intoxicated Huaien. These have not yet hatched. Trying to think of how to incorporate these without accidentally making someone (Huaien) sad in the process. Giving up control like that may be a trigger?

The actual chemsex, though. A lot of their games are about power and control and one of them riling the other up, but maybe very very very occasionally, even just a handful of times, theh both get a little fucked up and desperate. Idk what fantasy drug will get them there without being too dangerous, but I'm thinking mutual desperation, no games no pretense, room spinning, everything hazy, franctic energy. And then languid and syrupy when they’re coming down from it.

I hope this is not too much in a bad way! Idk how you feel about recretional drug use in fiction. All in all I feel like Huaibao maybe don't do drugs or alcohol a lot bcs canonically it's not been great (think Xiaobao's brothel shenanigans and Huaien drinking away his gay little feelings), but maybe indulging together is a trust thing. Why is everything about trust to me????

Why did this get so long. I fear myself.

I didn't remember which video you were talking about, so I tracked it down (this one, right?) and, yes, I absolutely see what you mean. Firstly, the obedient puppy energy is very Xiaobao. He will drink the shot, make a little face, and then politely drink another one—before asking Huaien if he wants to have a little taste from Xiaobao's mouth. (because Huaien won't drink unless the alcohol is in Xiaobao's mouth? is this anything?) I can totally see Huaien getting Xiaobao drunk, just so that he's a little out of it, a little pliant and glassy eyed and easy with the drunkenness, and Huaien sometimes takes him home and sometimes takes him somewhere else. I don't thiiiink he gets Xiaobao drunk enough that he blacks out or loses track of time (he could! but I don't think that's quite the energy?) It's more about getting Xiaobao to the desperate place where he'll say anything, do anything, ask for anything he wants faster.

I cannot imagine Huaien drunk for non-cranky or non-sad reasons, but I am willing to be shown. persuaded. paint me a word picture!!! (although now I am imagining Xiaobao finding a maudlin drunk Huaien and trying to comfort him and I'm not saying it devolves into sex but. ok I might be saying that actually. but it's surprisingly tender comfort sex.)

Chemsex wise, the only jianghu party drug I can think of is Word of Honor's canonical poppers (not used for partying bc Prince Jin is No Fun), but tbh I was imagining, like, fantasy ecstasy? Very much on the fun non-dangerous side of the party drug spectrum where it's more languid marathon sex and then sleeping it off in each other's arms. It's always about trust! Huaibao is about two little guys who shouldn't trust each other doing just that!

ok side question how do we feel about Huaien bottoming bc i had a Thought and now it is haunting me

[gojoest]

ok i am finally home and it’s STORYTIME WITH THE WAITER !! *rubs hands together* long post btw my thoughts are very hectic i am sleep deprived and hungover so excuse me t-t

so last night we went to this place with 2 of my coworkers (that are also close friends of mine) — it’s a club restaurant actually, the music is chill and not so loud until about 10-10:30pm so you can eat and chat with friends and then after that it’s showtime (hot men put on a show, they dance and strip, the latter is not that hardcore btw). turns out they organize different shows every night so it’s not always that. ANYWAY, we had a waitress assigned to our table but the place was so full and she was busy running around catering to everyone so instead of waiting i asked the waiter in question for the menu :3 so he brought us 3 and was like “sorry my coworker is very busy, if she can’t handle all her tables i will gladly take care of you tonight”. guys he is super cute i tell you, he’s got that big smile on his face all the time and a super positive energy flowing from him + he jokes around with ease and just seems to be so easygoing and friendly and i find that so attractive NOT TO MENTION he is very handsome and has a beard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sadly though he didn’t end up taking our table bc the waitress made it work somehow, she was super lovely btw <3 he was constantly passing by our table though and we both shamelessly stared at each other every time lmao

anyway as the night went on and we downed 4 bottles of wine and started dancing my mischievous coworkers invited him to our table for a bit and he did not decline even though he was working, he just casually sat down with us and behaved like we’ve always known each other ajksdskas. so we poured him a glass of wine, said cheers and then danced a bit AND THEN t-t my coworker took an empty water bottle and spun it on the floor (do you see where i am going) and it ended up pointing towards me and the waiter t-t and that same coworker was like “you have to kiss her now, these are the rules” and i was like :0 just standing there like :0 what :0 what :0 he then came to me and looked me in the eyes and put his hands on my cheeks but didn’t kiss me immediately, i think he was waiting for my reaction like i’m going give you 3 secs to push me away if you don’t want to but ofc I DID WANT TO KISS HIM so we in fact kissed.

after we were done kissing my coworker literally placed the bottle between us again, didn’t spin it this time just put it there between us like ok round 2 now, keep going KSJHDKSJSAA and he looked at me and was like “how about you kiss me this time” with a smug smile. part of me wanted to slap him but a bigger part of me wanted to keep kissing him so that’s that sigh we kissed again. HE IS SUCH A GOOD KISSER it’s not my fault :/

later we had some time to chat and exchange numbers etc.. and im glad we did bc i wanted to apologize to him for what my friends pulled with that orchestrated spin the bottle. and he was like “i am very content things turned out that way actually and i hope you don’t mind it either, and also — i hope you are single too” <- he looked so cute saying this that i ended up kissing him again help. then we talked some more and kissed some more. around 3:30am we had to leave bc we had work in like a few hours so i called a taxi and he waited with me outside even though he was still at work (i hope he did not get in trouble for that + spending a lot of time with us t-t) and then opened the car door for me and told me to text him when i get home t-t but i forgot bc i was a bit drunk and all i wanted to do was sleep right away so i just passed out. BUT HE CALLED ME and was like you home safe? and i was like yep yepp !! then i saw that he texted me a few times to check on me and maybe got worried that i did not reply so he called t-t

today he kept texting me all day casually updating me on how his day is going + asking questions about my day and etc. he sent me a selfie in the morning and was like “ok since you’re not drunk anymore can you please look at me and confirm that you still like me” LMAO he is so !! doki doki !! makes me laugh a lot but also i want to punch him sometimes bc he’s so smug but then again i can’t bc he’s also very cute and pretty t-t anyway i shall keep you updated on mr waiter v_v WAIT actually he’s also an engineer but works as a waiter too + he’s a foreigner but has been living here for a long time, knows the language fluently and has the cutest tiny accent when saying certain words IT’S SO CUTE anyway i need to take a shower now i am so tired t-t

[xirae]

Tbh though I do Think Lil Nas X exists in a weird spot. Pop stans have always kind of had it out for him imo, and I don't think it's their fault as much as they're not aware of the dynamics of it all.

For figures like Lady Gaga and Madonna there's a process of decoding and recoding of the mainstream, industry-produced object. Gay men grab these songs, then rewrite the values and messages around gender and desire to fit their own personal expression. It's a process shared with the old love for specific Hollywood movies like Mildred Pierce, Sunset Boulevard, The Women, Mommie Dearest; otherwise traditional, conservative works when taken at face value, these movies took on unique meanings for gay men.

There's an air of inauthenticity and artificiality around pop music worked in favor of this to put dominant values in question. There's a split where the dominant values around gender and desire expressed in pop music become denaturalized while the song as an object paradoxically becomes more potent. Pop music becomes an avenue to express feelings gay men can't just normally say or express with what is given to them "naturally" - the assigned rules given to us as Men and the way it affects what we are even capable of saying, the way our bodies and words can even be interpreted. Possibly just as nebulous as my attempt to define and categorize it, David Halperin would call this feeling gay men want to express through woman-fronted pop music "queer subjectivity."

I think since Lil Nas is an "Industry Baby" this air of inuathenticity around his music works against his favor rather than for it - at least in terms of pop stan reception, not in terms of sales or financial success. The expression gay interiorirty becomes denaturalized without there being another sort of split, no recoded subculturual object that feels all the more potent. Maybe in some ways I'm wrong about the pop stans and am just bitter at them for my personal grudge; it's the ppl who have deep personal investment in pop music that are able to subliminally detect this. They simply can't use his music the same way they use pop girlie music.

There's more to this too, I think the fact Lil Nas is a rap artist deserves it's own post. Bc the exception to my rule this year is Troye Sivan - specifically Rush though and not necessarily his whole album. Rush, a song that owes itself to Madonna and Lady Gaga a bit more than a lot of the work Lil Nas X has put out, is what got gay stan twitter moving. And it definitely owes more than One of Your Girls and Got Me Started, Troye singles that didn't quite make the same splash on stan twitter - the former notably being a song about desiring a straight man, an explicitly gay song. What I'm saying here is in a rare case, pop music form can often save the desolate gay man from the artistic paradox of connecting to gay audiences, but it usually has to be POP, like POP music.

But then Saucy Santana had a moment with Material Girl...... making my head spin atm the fuck. Probably something to be said for that being a meme more than a song tbh

[charliespringverse]

iwbft – ghosted: a Bonus brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 91

· ouch/ow/owie: 5

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 4

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 4

She said Shrek and Fiona, and then told me she never wanted to be famous. — the double life thing babeyy

“Jimmy,” he heaves out, and I feel a stab of panic in my chest. — just hearing ur friend's name shouldn't be enough to trigger panic unless u already know something is Very Wrong . at which point i feel they should've pushed for further help instead of finishing out the tour

“We can’t leave Jimmy out.” Lister stands shirtless in the middle of the room and spins around on the spot. — fuck yeah trio tingz :')

It almost makes me laugh how polite and casual Rowan manages to sound, despite the fact that our best friend is missing. — IT'S A DEFENCE MECHANISM!!!!!

I only wonder how much of it is my fault. — none of it bb dw :( he is Not With It enough to be thinking abt anyone but himself rn

“But I can’t drive.” Rowan stares at me. “I thought you had lessons.” “I only had three lessons.” And then I got bored, or tired, or busy, or all three. — ... adhd lister btw

Why would he do this to us? To me? — i think jimmy's dependence on rowan is more reciprocated than he realises

If we weren’t in a famous band together, I’m not sure whether we’d still be friends now. — this rly hurts my feelings and it hurts more bc he isn't necessarily Wrong i don't think

“You do know I can play eight instruments, right?” “But not the drums, huh.” Rowan folds his arms. “You will never let me live that down.” — LISTERROWAN BESTIEISM BANTER BABEY

“But you think I’m an idiot who has nothing intelligent to say.” “I don’t think that.” “Yeah, you do. You’d much rather I was the one who was missing right now.” Rowan doesn’t respond. We both know I’m right. — WELL MAYBE BUT U DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT. I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT.

“I wish you wouldn’t—” he begins but is cut off when his phone buzzes. — i hate that the phone gave him a get out from being open n sincere w lister :^(

“That’s a Southeastern Railway train,” says Lister instantly. “You can tell by the seat patterns.” — [freddie mercury voice] auuuuutism auuuuutism i want to ride my autism (note: this is summat @to-grill-a-mockingbird says and now i can never get it out of my head)

“He needs a night off.” "A night off from … what? His entire life?” Piero chuckles. “Yes.” — i mean ouch but also Yeah

“That was good news. He hasn’t been kidnapped. He just needed a nap.” “Can you not make a joke about this situation for like one fucking minute, Allister?” — could be the tism on my end but i didn't take this as a joke . jimmy needs a break, piero told them that, lister has seen enough to agree . (also: lister has Also contemplated running away so it makes sense he's less eager to bring jimmy back to ldn bc he doesn't see it as fixing the problem the same way rowan does)

Why do I always have to be the serious one? The worrier? Why can’t someone else do the worrying sometimes? — other ppl Do worry . but not so much that it becomes its own problem worthy of therapy

We save the deep chats for Jimmy. Jimmy doesn’t open up very often, but you know Jimmy will listen if you have something serious to say. — vs jimmy's wednesday narration 'we don't ever talk about deep stuff, me and lister bird' :((((

This whole bedroom is something out of twelve-year-old Lister’s wildest fantasies—it’s spacious and modern, with one floor-to-ceiling window, dark walls, LED lights behind the headboard, and a fifty-inch TV. — what u lack as a child you seek as an adult etc etc (space, material possessions, money)

Rowan’s room is always tidy. He puts away his clothes at the end of the day and makes his bed in the mornings. — always craving order & control :(

Rowan loves to criticize me about buying unnecessary things, but all I need to do is remind him of the velvet chaise longue in his bedroom that I’m pretty sure nobody has ever sat on. — comedy gold amidst the agony

He blinks at me. “You remembered my weird order?” — remembering ppl's orders is a love language

“Can I … ?” I shuffle on my feet. “Can we eat it in here?” — i hate that he's so uncertain n lacking in confidence while asking one of his best friends

I’ve always been deeply annoyed by what a high metabolism he has. I work out three times a week with a personal trainer just to stay toned. — rowan's fixation on body image makes me ✨nervous✨

“You were reading?” I ask, eyebrow raised. Lister narrows his eyes at me. “Wow, hilarious." — i stand by my 'lister loves to read but nobody ever assumes that or believes him bc their perception is skewed by him not gelling with academia' hc

“But don’t you see how that’s, like, still very fucked-up behavior, Rowan?” — GET HER JADE

And it’s scary that he thinks he’s completely fine. That this level of stress is normal. That he’s a functioning, well-adjusted human who is able to cope with being one of the most famous musicians in the world with absolutely no help or support whatsoever. — yeah :((

“You kissed him,” Rowan says. “So he decided to climb out of a window and run away.” “I mean, yeah, in summary.” — but no, realistically

Rowan wipes a tear from his eye. “Oh my God. So funny.” He’s properly pissing me off now. — give him a break roseph he's already mentally ill u don't have to embarrass him as well (/lh)

It’s a question I’ve asked myself every day for years. A question I’ve answered in daydreams, in nightmares, in conversations with myself in the shower. A question I still don’t know the answer to, and maybe never will. A question that doesn’t need an answer, now that I know for sure that Jimmy doesn’t like me back. — aaaaaagonyyyyy beyond power of speeeeeeech when the thing that u want is the only thing out of ur reach

“But … the circumstances of our relationship are so challenging. We live in very, very different worlds, and our lives are on very different trajectories. And sometimes I think relationships just can’t survive that.” — JUSTICE FOR LAIMONDI :(

Jimmy fell asleep almost immediately, a feat that would become less and less common as we all got older, but Lister and I couldn’t sleep because we were too busy watching funny YouTube videos on my phone, muffling laughs into our hands, trying not to wake anyone up. — BABY ARK MY CHILDREN

[seakicker]

Miss Seakicker HI! 🦦 anon here, I just wanted to pop in and ask a question but before that;

How have you been? I’m loving the new theme and layout for your blog! I hope you’re drinking enough water and taking enough breaks. We can’t have Fertility archon Juju getting sick!

I started playing Tears of The Kingdom and there’s a place called Joju-u-u Shrine in the game (we almost had Juju Shrine!) I went bra shopping earlier (nothing spicy, just needed some new ones).

I’m not really sure how else to ask this but do you have any advice for when the insecurities about one’s body image start to get…loud? Like some days I’ll feel good in a pair of pants because i fill them out really well but then there’ll be bad days like the time i spent 2 hours on an online site buying a kazuha cosplay because I didn’t want to admit i was a size bigger. (I bought the bigger size in the end and that one fits like a glove)

Feel free to answer this whenever you like! - 🦦 anon

HELLOOOOOOO SWEETHEART GAH i’m very late in answering this because i’m just tryin to find the motivation to use tumblr consistently again, but i was thinking about this ask again today bc i’ve had it in drafts since you sent it to me. i’ve been working a ton but i’m alright; drinking water and working on eating healthier for myself 😊❤️ what kinds of things do you think we’d do at a juju shrine… 🤔👀

as far as the insecurity part goes, honestly i’ve found that staying off the internet entirely on days where you’re maybe feeling a little worse about yourself is extremely beneficial. with how prevalent bodychecking and diet culture BS are on tiktok and instagram in particular and with how advanced filters and photoshop have gotten (remember when people considered it impossible to use filters/edits on videos? good times), taking a bit of a detox and staving off of doomscrolling rlly go a long way on days where i may not be feeling the best about myself. like, i’ve seen people recommend eating an entire block of cream cheese under the guise of health because keto influencers love spinning nonsense and trying to make you genuinely believe that an entire brick of cream cheese is inherently better for you than a single piece of bread for toast, lol.

at any rate, i think it’s good to remind yourself that you are real and your body is real and not everything you see online is real— most people are able to (rightfully) internalize that they shouldn’t compare their bodies to digital art or anime characters, and i think that mentally should extend to just about any 3D picture you see online— while i’m not inherently anti-photoshop or anything like that, i DO think it’s harmful for these people who participate in photoshopping their pics or using filters to pass it off as (A) all natural genetics and/or (B) simple diet and exercise because no amount of genetics, diet, or exercise are gonna give you a 13 inch waist and 42 inch hips. even pictures of real life people can be twisted to the point where they might as well be fictitious, but your body is real when you look at it and real in anything and everything you wear, so why worry about how it stacks up compared to a picture that’s certainly edited?

i first read this on pinterest in like high school but it’s honestly sound advice and something that’s really stuck with me— we don’t get mad at our feet for being too small/too big/too wide/too narrow when shoes don’t fit, we just buy a different size— shouldn’t the same idea extend to all our clothes? our bodies aren’t made to fit clothes, clothes are made to fit our bodies— and buying a bigger cosplay to fit you better isn’t a fault of yours nor your body’s. you got this ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[luckyladylily]

#but also like. regarding the first post. you are kinda supposed to feel the negative impact#like. if bus drivers went on strike and your life wasnt inconvenienced bc no one takes the bus anyways#they dont really have much leverage. but if people suddenly start yelling at the bus companies for not fucking adhering to scheudles anymor#and not having any buses driving at all. then the bus company is pressured into action. aka: giving the strikers what they want#so what people actually need to do is say:#'hey @netflix why are you delaying all of your shows?? im literally paying a subscription and you put nothing out?#just because you refuse to meet strike requests? well is your user base more important to you or the tiny margin you will lose?'#you actually NEED to be an entitled customer for once. but always make sure you blame netflix and not the actors#make sure they can't spin it like 'waaah the strike is so evil' you need to immediately fire back to make sure THEY remain the villain#but be entitled!! be MAD there is no content for you to watch!#tell them you will fucking kill yourself if they delay dune 2 and itll be warnerbros fault#you are SUPPOSED to notice when someone is striking!! it's not good when it feels normal to you!!#thats not a L on netflix' part they are HOPING you aren't inconvenienced

Ok. I am going to explain something here. I would ask that you please keep an open mind going in.

My post is an observation of my experienced reality. I fully expected this to not be the case going into the strike, I was around for and remember the last strike in 2007 when it was not the case. But as the strike drags on I am forced to conclude that this time is different for whatever reason. I am not feeling the strike.

That is not a political statement. It is a statement of fact. And, based on the thousands of comments agreeing with me, many others are experiencing the same thing. For whatever reason, many people, including many of us nerds that are most tuned into these industries, are not feeling the strike. That is reality.

#you are SUPPOSED to notice when someone is striking!! it's not good when it feels normal to you!!

Yes, I agree that for the sake of the strike this would be the most convenient reality. But that is not the reality we are dealing with. This happens all the time with political issues and indeed basically anything where reality might clash with expectation.

At this point we have two options. We can recognize reality has deviated from what is convenient or we can insist that reality is something it is not. Which is the better option, and why? Even if we put morality and long term issues aside and isolate this to only this issue, the answer is pretty clearly that we should deal with reality as it is.

Acknowledging that we are not feeling the strike now does not stop us from intellectually understanding that the strike will affect us later. In fact, working out why we are so insulated from the going ons of this industry (and why it is bad for us, how it is connected to the issues of the strike, and how it is the studio's fault) will help us understand that fact and fuel our own desire to act, not diminish it. There is nothing about this conclusion that stops us from acting pro union.

On the other hand, insisting that we are not experiencing what we are experiencing is questionable in terms of motivational force on a group level. Sure, you may work yourself into a frenzy, but not everyone will be able to ride on the back of a lie like that. And way, way more importantly, no one who isn't already zealously in agreement with your position will buy this lie. They have no motivation to overcome the mental dissonance causes by trying to paper over their experienced reality with the convenient lie, and there is no reason why our lie would be more attractive than the convenient lies of people trying to break the strike. And our lie will never be as powerfully delivered as theirs.

We are never going to win a propaganda fight against companies with access to mass media control, highly skilled PR firms, and all the money necessary to power a massive propaganda machine. We are never going to win that game. The advantage we have is that ethics and reality are on our side, even if it isn't quite as straightforward as we would like, and using those advantages is how we win this fight.

So, TL:DR

#you are SUPPOSED to notice when someone is striking!! it's not good when it feels normal to you!!

I agree, and it would be most convenient if reality lined up with that idea. But it does not, at least not for many, many people, and we deal with reality as it exists because that is the fight we can win.

You know, after a hundred days of strike, I have noticed absolutely no differences.

I mean, they say shows are canceled because of it, but they would cancel shows for any reason or no reason at all. They often wouldn't tell us one way or another for months or years. Functionally, the uncertainty is the same.

The same goes for delays. How the hell am I supposed to tell if some show or another was delayed? They were never released in any sort of timely fashion before. What does a delay even mean when there is nothing even resembling a schedule? I mean, there wasn't even something like "within the first two weeks of august we will put something up for you to watch."

Zero accountability means they got away with whatever bullshit practices they wanted to, but now its cutting both ways. Any claim that this strike is negatively impacting me is meaningless because Netflix and most the other entities like them have built a system where it is extremely difficult to hold anyone accountable for anything.

And now they seem to think they can just bring accountability back? If they had numbers they could point to maybe it would work, but that's half the battle here. They are desperate to avoid releasing anything that tells anyone outside the company what the hell is going on. So we are just supposed to take their word for it, no really bro, it's actually really bad for you and all the strikers fault if only you could see the numbers that we refuse to show you, you're just gonna have to trust us bro.

[leynaeithnea]

(Okay, I am kinda curious now so if you want you can totally send me the list of youtubers but I honestly don't know if I'm going to enjoy the format of watching people react so I'll give it a try and let you know how it goes :)) )

( Also I do not know much about what is to come , I know about the story in the Odyssey and how it ends but I don't know much about what's coming in Epic so if you want to spoil it a little for me in private I'll all ears )

23 SCYLLA OUR GIRL

You're so right every female voice goes so hard but Scylla is just something else her voice is so powerful jajsjsjsjsjjs

Aaaah the way Odysseus sings kaksksksjsj

OH MY GOD Scylla's lines having double meaning and both Ody and Eury hide a reason for shame AND THE CREW DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT SCYLLA IT ALL FLEW RIGHT OVER MY HEAD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR EXPLAINING IT TO ME THE SONG IS EVEN COOLER NOW

( Yeah I'm assuming that's what Scylla means by saying that they are the same but now I'm not sure of anything I just *have* to look up her mythology too )

OH MY GOD NOT ANTICLEA SEEING THE SHIPS AND KILLING HERSELF AAAAAH EURY FOR FUCKS SAKE

( oh god leaving them feeling betrayed broke the bonds that you made being also foreshadowing for mutiny I'm not okay I need to sit on the floor for a while until the world stops spinning AAAH)

Everytime there's a callback to full speed ahead my heart breaks a little bc it takes us back to the beginning where things where a little rough but SO MUCH BETTER , the whole song is about struggling to get home and get food but it's so hopeful and catchy and nice bc the worst is done , they won the war they are heading home everything is going to be fine now , right? Right?!?

NOT EURY HOLDING ONE OF THE TORCHES ( but also yeah, my man Ody is defeated and ready to do what it takes but he'd still rather have Scylla do the dirty work bc yes, he can't trust Eury anymore but this is his brother! Obviously he doesn't want to kill him himself)

"Hello ( creepy pretty haunting)" YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES JSJDJSJS

Love the silent moments followed by screams like in the underworld after anticlea and here they are just SUPERIOR AKSKNSNSB

OMG YES give up your honor and faith , live out your life as a wraith IS Odysseus completely losing himself but also 100% EURY LOSING FAITH IN ODY AND TURNING ON HIM oh god the foreshadowing is delicious!!!

"We are the same you and ... / AND the OdY JOINS IN ON THE "I" BECAUSE This song HAS NEVER REALLY BEEN ABOUT EURY ITS ALL BEEN ABOUT HIM AND His WILLINGINGness NOW TO SACRIfice hiS OWN MEN TO GET IT HOME ALIVE" YOU'RE JUST SO GOOD AT THIS OH MY GOD AKSKKSSKSMNSNSNS *shaking the bars of my enclosure* MOREEEE

( but no rush obviously , write the next one wherever you feel like it bestie <3 )

FINIALLY OKAY Oh boy, here we go

24. Mutiny

First hectic notes I wonder if thats also the Danger Motif???? (i wish i knew)

"Tell me you did not know that would happen

say you didnt know how that would end

look me in eyes and tell me captain

that you did just sacrifice six men" Eurylochus knows thats EXACTLY what happened. Odysseus knew, he was willing to do it, Odysseus can't muster to look him in the eyes. He just sacrificed six of his men, Eurylochus represents the crew, he just tried to kill Eurylochus and it failed. DESPITE THIS:

"Use your wits to try and say im crazy and mad

that this is all some trick the gods have sent,

tell me you did not miss home so painfully bad

that you gave up the lives of six of our friends"

"when we faught the cyclops you were quick to hatch a plan and when we fouhgt with circe it was you who left behind no man but when we saw this monster we didnt take a stand we just ran"

HE IS BEGGING Odysseus to lie to him. To gaslight him into doubting that maybe just maybe it wasnt Odysseus fault. That it was the gods, or his own soldier brain connecting the dots wrong because this is Odysseus, King of Ithica who went to war despite not wanting to, who made sure none of their six hundred men died during the war, who was trained by a goddess (athena), who faces monster (polyphemus, scylla) and gods (poseidon, zeus?) and tricks witches (circe) and dares to casually communicate with the gods (aelus, hermes) He is a walking myth and legend and he went back for his crew. He faught them and used his wits and skills to bring them out of dangers and peril and the biggest lost they had were Eurylochus fault because he opened the windbag. how could this man change so much that suddenly he is willing to sacrifice them? he talks to gods why did he not try to find a way out, a trick to pass by Scylla without sacrificing six of his men?

"Say something" defend yourself for fucks sake

"I CANT" because eveything he just layed out infront for EVERYONE remaining on the ship to hear is true, and Ody cant deny that he has become the monster rawr rawr rawr

"then you have forced my hand" *draws a biggus giagantus sword* (tbh not my favorite design choice because it takes a bit of the realism from it, like yes, there are huge swords, but not those twice the size of his body and also not back in greece----but alas Jorge likes is anime and video game references) but also "You turned on the crew, my purpose is to speak for the crew, under your current command we can not trust you, you turned against us, so i have to turn against you"

"Eurylochus lower your weapon" (i dont want to fight you, why cant you accept that this is what i have to do to get (us) home?)

"no can do" still confused is thats grammar

"you miss your wife so bad youd trade the lives of your own crew" yeah, he had a whole solo song about this, didnt you notice? thats the whole reason for this whole story, youre in eury

"dont make me fight you brother" we both know im the better fighter, you will loose, i dont want to bloody my own hands with your blood, scylla should have done so

"you know youd have done the same" youre married to my sister, you better be doing the same (it was an arranged marriage, so probably not) and yeah he might have done the same in a different universe

"if you want all the power you must carry all the blame" that line hits hard"

and then the chanting of the crew, first Eurylochus because they stand behind him, then Odysseus, because it become obvious that he will win the fight

"there is no price he wont pay" they realize that Odysseus is not only going to defeat Eury, he will also kill him

"i am not letting you get in my way" he just confirmed it

*stabbing noises, Ody gasps*

Perimedes (voiced bc the same singer as the one for Antinous btw)

stabbed Ody from behind

Odysseus is shocked clutching his side and falling to his knees as Perimedes withdraws his sword

"my brothers, why?" (so theyre his brothers now? ody rly,did you think your actions would have no consequences?)

"how are we supposed to trust you know?"

this is the first time we hear a voice of the crew that isnt Eury or Polites sing a line alone, but the rest of the crew joins in right after

"now your time has come your lucks run out, now the time has come to shut you down you relied on with and then we died on it, woah" THE CALL BACK TO LUCK RuNS OUT OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCh

Eury punches Ody unconscious

"Argh my head" Ody, you got stabbed right through, hows your head worse than your abdomen??? fine fine, yes thats the only way to tell the audience that the bump was him getting knocked out

"where are we" unfornulately again in some gods realm, youre not very lucky buddy

THE MUSIC; THE MUSCIAL CALLBACK TO HORSE AND THE INFANT AND SURVIVE THE INEVITABLENeSS OF THE SITUATION THE DespeRATION TO SURVIVE

"some island, the first one we found" how long as ody unconscious i wonder...mmhhh

"its bursing wiht cows just roaming around begging us to eat, so much meat and hunger is so heavy" he sounds in trance in that one ngl, i wonder how much time passed between the sirens and this island that they have come to the brink of starvation again

"this statue the god of the sun, down know where its from" OKAY this one is realllyyy interesting because in the myth its helios cattle, but they just call him sun god here AND they dont know who's it is, i wonder if in later songs it turns out those were Apollos cattle in this version??? or do they dont know which sun gods because Helios is kind of a forgotten god at this point because apollo is replacing him?? mhhhhh excited to learn about it! hopefulyl ijseigj also Ody is tied to this statue, LOVe that detail

"but heres where we found all these cows to hint, right in front and hunger is so heavy (hunger is so heavy)" Eury is telling Ody the situation the plan, they commited mutiny, but they took care of his wounds, they brought him to the island, they keep him updated....mh.....also they must be REALLY hungry

"please dont tell me youre about to do what I think youll do"

AND THe CALLBACK TO LUCK RUNS OUT AGAIN, ODYS VOICE IS SO SOFT AND BROKeN

"ody" ODY??? ODY???????

"we're never gonna get to make it home, you know its true" at this point hes being suicidal, better to get killed by a god than starvation? maybe

"You dont know thats true" HE gets desperate he tries to fight against the restrains despite his wounds

"this is the home of the sun god" DONT Do anything stupid youll get us killed, this is the home of a god, how many times to we have to get punched by the gods, we cant fight against them

"Im starving my friend" ...ouch

"but if you kill his cattle who knows what he'll send, this is the home of the sun god" ....he'll kill us all, you know that, dont do it.

"im tired my friend" very suicidal im afraid

"but we're so close to home, this can't be where it ends" we were already almost home, despite everything we are back, almost home, we're so close

AND THEN AND THEN THIS MF DROPS THE MOST BEATIFUL VOCALS AND MY FAVORITE PART OF This SOnG ODY SINGING IN FALCETTO AGAIN iD DIE FOR THIS voicE IStG THE WHOLE SECTION OF ODYS LINES

"how much longer must i suffer now?" therapy saga when?

"please dont do this" HIS VOICE SO ANGELIC; ITS SO BROKEN; I LOVE HIM

"how much longer must i push through doubt?" you couldve just trusted ody int he first place then you WOULDNT BE HERE NOW

"I need to get homee" HE needs to get home, yes, the rest also deserces to get home but if he has to ody will sacrifice all of them because he needs to get home and see his son and wife because theyre in danger and hes been away for about 12 years or so

"how much longer must i go about" (might be stepping lcoser ot the cattle)

"eurylochus" (grows more desperate to stop him)

"my life like this, when people die like this? woah" like this? like how? mhh idk

"how much longer must we suffer now?" AND NOW THE CReW JOINS HIM BECAUSE TheYRE ALSO TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DOnE

"Reconsider" HEARTBREAKING SO BEAUTIFUL

"How much longer must we push throuhg doubt" such great ensemble voices

"We can get home" suddenly its "we" again? ok....but also the break before he sings home??? i feel like he would use that moment to try to break through the bonds agian, maybe he tried before that but has to take a breath because his wounds hurt him...mhhhh......anyway

"How much longer must we go about"

"eurylochus" trying to reason with eurylochus because he is the "captain" right now

"our loves like this when people die like this woah?" maybe "like this" like trusting you, like being at the mercy of the gods and lost on the sea

Eurylochus draws a knife and steps infront of a cattle

"Im just a man" NOT THE JUST A MAN CALLBACK OUCH

"Eurylochus, NO" no more singing, pure desperation, Ody finially manges to loosen his bonds

the chants beginn, a choir, its not the crew. a god is approaching, theres shocked silence

"you"ve doomed us, you've doomed us all Eurylochus", his first action as a captain and he gets everyone else killed, good job Eurylochus you failed, Ody is shocked because Eury just signed their death sentence, HIS death sentence but HE NEEDS to get back to his family, he gets up, clutching his stomach

"Captain?" ......i have a lot to stay but rly Eury? really? pushing all responsibility back to Ody RIGHT when you mess up? aw man thats not nice, but hey the crew trusts ody again...haha...

"we need to get away from this island now, grab an oar with all the strength your arms allow, these cows were immortal they were the sun gods friends, and now that we've pissed them off who do you think he'll send?" good question, who will show up i wonder? also Ody saying "we" pissed them off, he's part of the crew he does take responsibility for them...

the most desperate full speed ahead reprise we've seen so far, painful to listen to because its no use, theres no way they can outrow a god, ody realizes that too, when the storm rises up further and then the sky opens with thunder and lighting

"We're too late"

[shingia]

hopefullyy this inspires u to write,,, can i request hc's of the boys getting jealous seeing their s/o work well with another person on a team/club? like good chemistry with a dance partner for example! (u can choose who u write but can it include iwa!!) <33

✗ HQ BOYS GETTING JEALOUS SEEING YOU WORK WELL WITH ANOTHER PERSON ✗

a/n : kdjfkdjdkdj i love this request omg ty ! i did half hc/half scenarios bc i thought the request fitted this format <3

-> iwaizumi, osamu, kuroo, suna, tsukishima

-> warnings : kuroo’s a bit suggestive (tbh i don’t know about the rest. it’s just... kinda hot? (tsukki’s only fluff tho<3))

-> reblogs are >>>>

— IWAIZUMI

• iwa’s jealousy was practically non existent until he actually saw you interact with your partner

• don’t get me wrong, he absolutely loves your smile - but he especially loves to be the one who caused it

• he tends to get physically very protective of you, so expect his arm to stay wrapped around your shoulders most of the time. because to him it’s the easiest way to show the world (but especially your partner) that you’re his

• he also not-so-subtly offers you to wear his clothes on days when you have practice. and he secretly hopes that someone will ask you who they belong to...

« it’s cold outside. you should wear this ». iwa’s low and unannounced voice makes you turn around in surprise. leaned against the bathroom’s doorframe, he’s holding your favorite jacket in his hand - the one with his name written on the back, and you suspect that this might not be a coincidence... with a chuckle, you agree to put it on, noticing the proud spark in his eyes. « you know, i’m pretty sure everyone already knows i’m dating you » you tease him with a wink, all while also admiring the way his name takes up the whole width of your back. « oh yeah ? » he asks, a smirk tugging at his lips as he leans forward to rest his hands on the sink behind you. trapped between his outstretched arms, you watch his smirk grow just a little bit bigger as he lets out, very quietly, « well this is just a reminder... it better be the last ». his green eyes locked with yours could almost make you forget about his arm snaking around your waist at a painfully slow pace. almost.

— OSAMU

• look, he’s very happy for you. no doubt about it. but he’s so used to see people fawn over his brother that he can’t help but get a little protective from time to time

• since gifts are his #1 love language, he might buy you a workout-friendly piece of jewelry that you can wear during your practice

• he also insists on dropping you off and picking you up as often as his busy schedule allows it. especially since he learned that your partner was willing to give you a ride home...

• it’s not that he doesn’t trust you, obviously. he just doesn’t trust them yet

• and that’s why his kisses - and pda in general - are a bit more « intense » than usual

leg bouncing up and down, osamu is (very) anxiously for your conversation with your teammate to end. because after watching the entirety of your practice, he needs a little reminder that you two also have incredible chemistry together... a better one, even. so as soon as he sees you wave your teammate goodbye, he stands up straight, arms open just wide enough to welcome you against his chest. but instead of the chaste kiss you expected to get, you’re actually greeted by his left hand grabbing your sides while his right meets your lower back. disconcerted, you don’t even have time to say a word that his mouth crashes onto yours so eagerly that you have to lean back a few inches. « wh-what was that for ? » you pant as soon as his warm lips have left yours. « nothing. i love ya, that’s all » he smiles innocently, glad that you didn’t notice the cocky look he just gave your teammate who witnessed everything from afar... exactly as planned.

— KUROO

• passive agressive™️

• he would insist on properly meeting your partner but oh god they better brace themselves,,,

• because kuroo’s the kind of boyfriend that will shake their hand hard enough to make them yelp, all while having an angelic smile plastered on his face

• oh and you can forget being called by your name : he’s going to demonstrate the entire variety of nicknames he has for you. he might even come up with new ones just because he’s feeling « inspired »

• every single thing he says to your partner has to be a reminder that you two are dating. like « oh yeah they told me about this yesterday.. during our date ». just to make sure that there’s no misunderstanding.

« well... speak of the devil », kuroo hears you chuckle, your voice almost drowned out by his heavy breathing. he’s obviously planing on apologizing for being late... but not now. there’s something he wants to do first. still very aware of your partner’s presence right in front of you, he decides to securely yet eagerly wrap his arms around your waist before spinning you around proudly. « so... you guys were talking about me ? » he asks, glad to know that he’s the reason behind your giggles. « we were, actually » you answer a bit more seriously as he finally puts you down, still keeping both his hands on your waist. « well, i am your boyfriend after all... » he starts, interrupting himself to place a loud peck on your jawline. the only thing you can think is about is how awful this situation must be for your partner... kuroo, on the other hand, doesn’t seem bothered at all, as shown by the way one of his hands discreetly makes its way under the fabric of your t-shirt to rest directly on your skin. « hands off, kuroo » you order him with a slap on the back of his hand. an offended gasp leaves his lips, yet he complies reluctantly, thinking that your partner probably already knows everything that needs to be known about him.

— SUNA

• he doesn’t really mind it... as long as you’re willing to cuddle once you get back from practice. if you’re not, then he’s gonna start to worry

• because cuddling is probably his favorite ‘boyfriend privilege’ and he doesn’t want it to be taken away from him

• his schedule is pretty tight so he might not be able to attend any of your practices, but he asks you to record it as much as you possibly can so that he can watch the videos with you afterwards

• and seeing how smoothly you and your partner move together definitely doesn’t help with his worrying

it’s been thirty minutes now, and suna’s still not done watching the videos you took today. he loves to share these moments with you, snuggled up against each other the bed ; but most importantly, he has someone to keep his eye on... « babe- are you 100% sure that this was part of the choreography? » he suddenly speaks up, his eyes leaving the screen for the first time. you quirk a curious eyebrow, more surprised by his unusually suspicious tone rather than by the question itself. « oh, the hand on my waist ? yes, rin. it was ». at your words, his lips press into a thin line, he’s obviously far from being convinced. but you know your boyfriend well and you’re quick to reassure him : « you know, his hand might have been on my waist but you’re the one laying in my bed right now ». the frown on his face disappears almost immediately - much faster than you would’ve thought, replaced by a much more confident expression as his hands start to gently stroke your sides up and down. « mmh, i guess you’re right.... i mean, at the end of the day, only i get to have ‘all of this’ for myself » he smirks, playfully eyeing you up and down until he can’t resist the temptation of your slightly parted lips anymore.

— TSUKISHIMA

• tsukki’s not jealous, he’s just... well.. cautious. or at least that’s what he tells you

• but, deep down, he knows that simple cautiousness wouldn’t make spend his days and nights stressing about this new partner of yours...

• so, after a few weeks, his impassible facade starts to crumble a little bit. nothing too extreme, but just enough to let your partner know that you’re taken.

• and he knows he doesn’t need to do much : one of his signature scornful looks is more than enough. especially when he’s staring at your partner dead in the eyes while you’re greeting him with a hug and a kiss after your practice

« tsukishima kei, i’m waiting for an explanation ». with a sigh, your boyfriend drops his book on the table, turning his chair around to face you. « i don’t have one, i already told you. you told me to introduce myself, and i did. end of story ». you both know that tsukki did not just ‘introduce himself’ like any other human being would have done. and that’s precisely what you’re trying to make him admit - because your partner looked genuinely scared during practice today. « wha- no, i didn’t look down on him. it’s not my fault he’s so short... » he mumbles under his breath, trying his best to avoid any eye contact with you. but you know that only a slight tilt of his chin upwards is enough to make his eyes lock with yours - and that this is enough to have him admit anything. « you’re jealous, kei. and it’s painfully obvious by the way... » you smirk - but this smirk disappears in a split second as he slowly gets up from his chair, towering over you like he usually does. « ok, maybe i am. but i just wanted to make sure that he knew his place. and especially mine » he finally admits, his lips spreading in a scornful smirk that would be terrifying if his eyes weren��t filled with the infinite tenderness he has always felt for you.

✔️taglist : @toworuu @catwithangerissues @miyumiya @livy384 @k0u-minamo2 @fullsundear @hsjvwq @mochi-marie @hiraeth-z @velvetvirgos @kirishimas-manly-eyeliner @47meow @japanesevenom @geektastic84 @noir-blanches-blog @idontlikeyourjob @seiri-ami @atiny-grl-with-luv @admiringlove @nachotrash @kellesvt @aintyourholy @Moonlaeli @catchmewiddershins @duhsies @devilgirlcrybabiey @crystal-lilac

[bcdwhcre]

“Betrayal,” Levi x Reader

Summary: The 3 Titan shifters (aka Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt) had stolen the last Titan serum and you end up getting framed. While you get tortured by the military police to reveal the truth, Levi tries his best to prove your innocence.

Idk if this would end up being a series, it just might bc even tho this was requested, I’m thinking about having a spin where after the reader gets tortured, they have like a life changing moment (kinda like Tokyo ghoul where after Kaneki gets tortured, he turns into an actual ghoul) kinda like that so bear with me🤧

Warnings!: abuse and torture!!!!

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It was a normal day, the only day off the scouts had and they all spent it relaxing and talking with each other. You had sat next to your boyfriend, Levi, while having a few drinks when the military police had stormed inside the place.

The sudden harsh grabs of their hands on your body, slamming you down on the hard table was enough to cause pain through your body and you had let out a wince from the impact.

Their actions had made Levi jump up and try to shove them off your body, his anger boiling at the sight of you being put into handcuffs without them barely saying a word.

“Back up, Captain and let us do our job.” The guy ended up punching Levi clean in his jaw and made him stumble back.

“What the hell are you doing?” Armin had shouted, all the scouts ready to fight with the guards as they yanked your small body off the table.

“Y/N is under arrest for stealing the Titan serum and helping the traitors get away.” They spoke coldly, making your eyes widen at their words and Levi had looked surprised.

“That’s not true! I didn’t touch it!” You shouted, trying to resist their attempts of shoving you out the door and you had looked back at Levi.

“It’s not true, you have to believe me!” The last look he had given you was disappointment and that had made your heart shattered as they put you on the carriage.

The ride back to their station was quiet, except their disgusting words that they shot at you to make you feel guilty and even a guard mentioned how beaten you were going to be after they were done with you.

Your heart ached and your body shook from the amount of rage you felt running through your veins. You were sure you already had bruises forming on your skin from the rough pushing and shoving against the table.

Levi had stood in the middle of the room, watching you get taken out the door with the small of blood running down his nose and everyone stayed quiet, looking at the Captain.

He didn’t want to believe it but why would they suspect you? Out of all people? It had made him overthink about it but the look of terror on your face as you looked at him one last time had made him feel deep down in his gut that you were telling the truth.

He was your boyfriend afterall, he knew you pretty well and have been for over a year so he was positive he would know if you were a traitor and if you stole something as big as the Titan serum.

As you were shoved inside the cell, being locked away, you were left to your thoughts and the tears threatened to stream down your face as you tried to think of everything- how did you even end up here? What led you here?

It was a painful topic to think about, to even think about being a suspect, to think about being a traitor. There was no room for you to be a traitor even if you tried.

It had taken hours before the guards came back to bring you into a empty room, tying you to a chair to ‘ask you questions’ but in reality, they put you here to enjoy the torture they’re going to do to you.

“Where is the Titan serum?” One asked, making your sad tear filled eyes to look up at them and before you could even open your mouth, he had swung his fist to strike you across the face.

The rough impact caused blood to spit out of your mouth and onto the wooden floors, coughing it up as you tried to take steady breaths but it was far too difficult.

Levi had finally went up to the station with everyone, trying to reason with the military police and talk to them about the fact that their thoughts on you were completely false.

They had surprisingly let Levi through considering he is a scout but when he got through the area he wasn’t supposed to be in and had seen you in the room, the way you were breathing heavy and the way you face was already beaten to the point where he could barely recognize your face because it was covered it blood- it made him angry.

“Have you even done your actual fucking jobs or have you been beating her this entire fucking time?!” He shouted at them, making you raise your head at the sound of his voice and your heart began to break more if that was even possible.

“We are doing our job, you’re not even supposed to be this far back here. Get his ass out of here.” The mp ordered the guards to drag Levi out and he had looked at you with a pained look, shoving the guards off of him and walking out of the room by himself.

He didn’t want to leave you there but there wasn’t a whole lot he could do except talk to the higher ups and try to prove your innocence to them but that’s a lot harder than it sounds

Throughout the night, the guards didn’t let you sleep one bit. The long hours of them beating you whether it was with a stick, a whip- it didn’t matter. They had even used knives to cut up your skin, they didn’t care- for all they know you were a traitor to them.

The amount of blood that had covered your entire uniform was sick, you could barely even keep your eyes open and handle everything. You stopped crying, you stopped screaming, you were just emotionless.

And inside your head, you had zoned out enough to not think about the pain and think about the harsh beatings they were giving you. It felt like you had changed into a whole completely different person and gave yourself a new mindset from all this torture.

And it took two days.

Two days for Levi to find proof, two days for Levi to run up to the station and slam the proof on their desks along with bringing the scouts for evidence to show them that the people who had stole the Titan serum was no one else but the two Titan shifters, Reiner and Bertholdt.

The way Levi had rushed up to the chair you were still tied in, the rope digging in your skin from how tight it was- leaving dry blood stains from head to toe.

The guards still didn’t feel bad, shit, they still thought you did it but by their boss’ commands- they had to let you go.

Your eyes barely opened when Levi stepped in the room, all you could hear was muffling of voices and a blur of his face come into view.

He wanted to kill them desperately. The way he would enjoy watching his blade slice through their skins like butter but he kept his cool, he kept it together but deep down he wanted to scream at the sight of you. You were awful.

He had scooped you up in his arms, you could barely see his face from the blood but you ended up passing out eventually.

When you had regain consciousness, Levi had barely made it back to the base. All the scouts had looked at you in complete shock and even Armin had shed a few tears while Eren threatened to kill all the MPs.

“Just leave her be for a couple of days guys, she’s in bad shape.” Levi mumbled, he didn’t want to think about it too much- he didn’t want to stare at your bloody state or else it’ll send him off the deep end.

He didn’t know what to do but simply clean you in the bath tub. He had undressed you and sat you in there, making sure to sit you up so you wouldn’t fall. You held onto the edges of the bath, your eyes staring down at the clear water that soon was dark red from your blood.

You remained quiet which worried him, he knew it must’ve been traumatizing but he thought you would at least speak up by now.

“Y/N?” He whispered, running the cloth over your body ever so gently and this is when he got full looks of your wounds.

Deep cuts and slashes on your skin, from your back to your arms and legs. It was painful for him to look at it, he knew you would need stitches for them.

“Will you be okay for a few minutes? I need to go get the first aid.” He stared at you but your eyes stayed on the water, your head tilted down and your eyes barely even blinking.

Levi had sighed, standing up from his spot and left the room to hurry to the infirmary and come back so he can stitch you up himself. While he was gone, your eyes had moved around the bathroom and the bloody cloth he was using to wash you.

Once you had catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you stared at it for what seemed like forever- looking at the cuts that covered your pale body. Soon you started to laugh while tears filled up in your very eyes and even a few slipped down your cheeks as your laugh grew louder.

He had finally walked in the room, looking down at you and had felt a huge weight pin down on his heart. The mixed bloody tears on your cheeks and the laughter coming out of your mouth had him frozen in time until you finally caught his gaze, your laughing coming to a stop and your sobs started leaving your lips.

Levi rushed over, dropping the box and leaned over the tub to hug onto you but not so tight, making sure to watch your wounds. Your sobs had grown so loud that the scouts down the hall heard your crying, the pain escaping your throat was painful to their ears.

“Hey, shhh.” He had tried to comfort you, the guilt he felt had made him want to punch himself for not helping you sooner, it was his fault you were like this.

He stroked your hair back, tilting your head up to look at him fully and he couldn’t help but cry with you. The whimpers that escaped your busted lips had made him want to break down here and now.

“It’s okay, you’re safe.. you’re safe.” He repeated until your breathing had gone back to normal, placing a gentle kiss to your forehead.

He had resumed what he was doing. He grabbed the needle and thread, slowly starting to stitch you up while you silently cried in the tub, the water growing cold as your body ached. He had stitched you up in so many places that he could barely count, they completely went overboard with torturing you and he felt like it was on purpose.

When he finished cleaning off the dry blood off your naked body, he lifted you up and wrapped a towel around you. He watched the dark red water go down the drain and he cursed under his breath at the mess around the bathroom, blood everywhere.

You were silent again, numb to everything you had felt throughout the last few days, emotionless but felt the need to scream again but your throat was dry and empty and sore.

He was careful to dress you in comfortable clothes, mostly his t-shirt and some sweatpants after he made sure to put bandages over your stitches and cuts. He tugged his blankets back, laying you down and tucking you in.

Once your head had hit the pillow, your eyes shut and he sat at the edge brushing his fingers through your hair, watching you for a while.

“I’ll make sure they pay for this, I promise..” He mumbled, more to himself than to you before he pressed a kiss to your bruised cheek.

“I love you.”

Throughout the night he had slept beside you but made sure to keep his distance, he didn’t want to hurt you in any way and he knew you haven’t slept the whole time you’ve kept by the military police.

As you slept, all you dreamt of was nightmares and to you they felt so real. The way they would hit you, it felt like they actually did and when they had walked up to your bloody corpse, leaning down and even threatening to cut off your fingers.

The way their plyers had gripped onto your fingernails as they ripped it out with no remorse- it all felt too real. Your body would shake, jolt and even whimpers would fall from your lips as you slept. It had taken a while for Levi to even wake up from your movements.

“Y/N.” He tried to be as gentle as possible, placing his hand on your arm and that’s when you jolted awake, sitting up and panting.

He had removed his hand when you shot up, hesitating before he reached out for you again and when you felt his fingertips- you flinched hard, looking over at him like he was a stranger.

“It’s me.” He mumbled, your eyes adjusting to the dark and you looked at his pained expression and that made your breathing start to calm down.

“Sorry.” You whispered, wiping the sweat off your forehead and you looked down at your arms wrapped in bandages, seeing the blood start to leak through.

“Don’t be.. do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” You said coldly, moving to lay back down in bed and had your back facing him as you stared at the wall.

Levi wanted to desperately take your pain away, he wish he could trade spots and take all the damage instead. But as he sat there staring down at you for what seemed like an hour, he was afraid of losing you and afraid that you were slowly slipping away from his grasp.

He thought about comforting you, would that even be a safe option? He thought. You flinched at his slight touches and he didn’t want you to become afraid of him, he loved you more than anything.

He decided to scoot closer to you, carefully kissing the back of your head and rested his hand on a safe part of your upper arm, making you tense underneath his touch.

“Look, I know what you went through was traumatic.. believe me but please don’t push me away, I can’t lose you.” He said softly, making your eyes water instantly from the flashbacks that flooded your head, every slap, kick, punch, everything.

“Levi,”

“I just want you to be able to talk to me, you’re not alone, at all.”

“I know.” You simply said, not knowing what else to really say about the situation. You were beaten senseless, out of pure hatred, it changed you.

You decided to gently turn over to face him, scrunching up your nose at the pain that followed as you moved. Your eyes looked at his, your bruised face had made his heart hurt more than he could explain.

As you two sat there staring at one another, you carefully brought your weak hand up to caress his cheek and rubbed your thumb over his skin slowly.

He leaned his face more into your hand, the most affection he has gotten out of you and even then, you hesitated, you wanted to pull away. You didn’t want to be touched, talked to, you wanted to be left alone but you had to think about Levi’s feelings too and what he did for you.

“Thank you, for everything.” You mumbled, making his eyes instantly move to look at yours with a hint of hope in them.

“No need to thank me.”

“But I want to, for cleaning me up and trying to support me.. can I be honest with you?”

“Of course.”

You sat there for a moment, trying to think of a better way to put everything and you sighed, your lips pressing into a thin line and even that had made the pain shoot through your busted lips.

“I just- I’m not comfortable speaking about the details but what I will say is, I’m not the same.”

“Ive noticed.” He whispered, moving his hand to brush the strands of your hair back from your face and he gave you a weak smile.

“No matter what, Y/N, I’m here.. to love you, to take care of you, all of it. You’re not getting rid of me so easily.” This time you cracked a smile, squishing his cheeks playfully as you leaned over to press a quick kiss to his lips but even that caused you pain in your body.

“I love you, Lev.”

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Soooo idk whether to make a part 2

But if I was, I was thinking of the reader going crazy from the traumatic experiences and even going as far as to killing the guards in cold blood— no one knowing who did it except Levi. Blah blah.

Tell me what you think

Also this one is longer and I’m actually glad and proud how it turned out. So this is why I wanna start pacing myself, it turns out better that way❤️ but my requests are ALWAYSSSSS open, just be patient with me. Mwah. Ps, if you read all that, I love you.

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( tag list: @levis-odm-gear )

[gunmetal-ring]

The only original person (a MAN-of course) who was attached the original version of the spinoff and still has HIS job, goes against AMC and their official statement to spin amd have the audicity to speak for Melissa "wanting a break" and everyone's like, sure okay, that's cool. Nothing to see here! Just tie the scandal up in a pretty little bow and get excited for his show with Rick! Nah. I have no more shits to give about any of this.

I'm 1000% positive that literally every single word he said is coming directly from AMC. Their PR exec is unbelievable lol. Like... literally half of the shit that went down would not have happened if they had just said "the reason mmb dropped out is bc she needed a break".

My theory which seems like is shared by most of us is that Melissa understandably wanted a break, amc said lol nope we gotta ride this gravy train so hop on or get outta the way, and she "decided to step back" (lol). Idk what happened w Kang, but it's extremely suspicious and the fact that she was replaced w a white dude w no connection to twd is... not great to say the least.

As for Norman I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt tbh. If Melissa actually did "step back" then it makes sense that he would THEN ask to film where his family is. I also think ride is shooting there anyway so amc was probably like great! 2 for 1. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he was like "I don't rly wanna do this without melissa" and amc was like "lol too bad you have to since you're our dancing monkey"

Honestly I think the statement about location was an attempt to blame mmb AND Norman for going daryl-only. If they said "mmb needed a break so she's no longer on the spinoff" then we would be like (as we are now) "Uh then give her a break?! It doesn't need to happen right now?!" But they wanted the fans to turn on Melissa, Norman and Kang and ignore amcs fuckery, which is exactly what happened. Good thing we're seeing the light and the we ain't ashes collective is leading the cause 💗

Amc is responsible for this mess. Not Melissa, not Norman, not Kang, not ANYONE except the execs who like to jack off to piles of money and besides, what's a little institutionalized misogyny if it means they can squeeze every last cent out of their fans?

We gotta keep our eyes on the real target. Norman's doing what he's legally expected/supposed to do. If he says something that's not amc approved he can be held legally liable since I'm sure they have him on an NDA that's 900 pages long. It's not his fault and if he did get the location he asked for AFTER mmb "decided to step down" (lol) then honestly, good for him. Maybe that will ensure he's recharged and not in need of a break when the caryl spinoff finally happens (lol) (trying to be positive)