#i wanna cry i have a lot of emotions!!
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life is very beautiful in this moment I'm thankful I'm alive
#its warm outside the sun has set and the sky showed us many many beautiful colors#and its quiet and i feel safe#and i feel sentimental and nostalgic for this moment that has not yet passed#for the fact that it'll never be a warm tuesday night where my kitten gets to walk to her hearts content outside of the safety of our small#apartment again#and that soon enough i won't get to enjoy the lovely sunsets of my cozy college town everyday as i move onto my next adventure#with my best friend....#and I'll leave behind these sunsets and the friends i made these past few months and all the memories i made these past 5 years#I'll leave behind 17 year old valerie and I'll leave with 22 year old valerie who is braver and who believes that is she is worth living#a happy life away from those who hurt her#sigh....#i wanna cry i have a lot of emotions!!
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so i replayed dmc 2 (crazy, i know) for dantelucia content, and playing on lucia's side of the story is so crazy bc it's literally what dante has been going through throughout his whole life
when lucia found out she was a demon and that she could lose herself to that side of her it scares her to the point of wanting to die/to be killed, going as far as to tell dante and arius to kill her bc she doesnt want to hurt others which can be reflected with dante's own views of his demon heritage which is something he feels he couldnt control if he ever taps into it so he does rlly reckless things to cope with it
dante even secludes himself from people and forming relationships outside of trish and lady bc of the fear of hurting them. even with dante's very reckless behavior it can be seen as him self harming which says a lot about his mental health plus the fact that in dmc 2 hes carrying the weight of grief which makes it even worse as seen with him going to hell not even caring on how to get out of it
like both of these characters became reckless ppl when they find out that they have demonic powers and the fact they both cling to the their love for people/family says a lot about their characters
but heres the thing....what makes these two so good to see is the fact that dante comforted lucia and even validated her human idenity by telling her that "devils never cry" and i feel like this line truly stuck with dante bc of what Lady said to him when he cried (basically devils dont cry and u arent rlly a devil if u cried over a love one), its just 3 simple word and yet it holds so much meaning for dante and probably for lucia too which she probably needed at that moment showing how emotionally smart dante is...
dante and lucia's views on their demon heritage is such a good way for them to have a long talk with one another about their feelings and thoughts of being demons and how to control the urge and how protecting people is what makes them human but also feel like its their responsibility bc of their demon heritage....like i need capcom to write more of their relationship or maybe someone just writes it in a fanfic bc their dynamic has so much potential the parallels...the love they have.....it makes me go insane
#devil may cry#dmc#dmc analysis#dante#lucia#dantelucia#these two make me go crazy i love their parallels so much and i bet dante sees a lot of himself in lucia and vise versa#like no wonder why lucia wants to get closerer to dante.....she doesnt have anyone thats like her who hates demons as much as dante like...#lucia just wants a friend to talk to and be there for support bc she has no one and she doesnt even leave the island to go meet new ppl#i hope ppl give lucia more charcater bc theres so much potential in her.....especially with her being so isolated on dumary island#sorry for dante lucia posting im just insane about them#also i wanna add that dante says the “devils never cry” to trish as well but its more like a “trish youre human!” type of way...#do yall get it ???? like for lucia its a comfort to validate her identity (as she thought shes a human at first) while trish is more like#“youre human trish!” or like “you can feel emotions too trish”
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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*incomprehensible autistic screeching in the background*
#*crying* I love them....#Having a hellaverse special interest is a curse...#ESPECIALLY cos I'm religious it's so fucking funny cos everytime I engage with it in any way the first thing I ask myself is#“Wait is this blasphemy”#Probably is tbh but oh well#I'm getting really emotional over this I wanna watch the newest helluva episode but I'm scared bro I should jot be this invested in such#A shitty show/pos /neg (simultaneously)#Would skip the episode if Mammon wasn't there tbh especially after finding out that Stale-ass doesn't die at the end#Like why just kill him please I hate him a lot (<- certified no 1 stolas hater )#Anyways imma go watch it now expect more autistic rambling in the near future.#sobek freakposting#hellaverse
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#omfg i feel so completely melodramatic for typing this out rn but i have so many feelings and i need to get them out!!! DX#anyways so since just before the sunshine court came out i have yet again gone down an aftg rabbit hole#and what im here to specifically cry about is kevin#when i first read aftg my opinions on the characters were so different to what they were now#i cant completely remember how i felt about kevin. part of me thinks i felt that he was treated way too harshly by the others considering#the trauma he went through but part of me thinks maybe? i didnt care too much for him back then because i was taking the book at face value#and just going with how neil viewed him which is that hes The Best at exy but sort of annoying and harsh and needs to stick for himself more#idk idk but as of recent ive just been having a lot of emotions thinking about him. and especially wymack and him.#like he was just robbed of so much. and hes honestly so brave despite what people may think? hes soso flawed but thats what makes me love#him even more. he's just trying. so hard. to undo everything thats been engrained in him. and i just wanna cry and cry and cry!!!#because hes come so far! and hes amazing. and i wish i could properly express everything thats running through my mind rn but thats all i#got. back to reading fic centering kevin and wymack now 😭#le text post
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Because of this lol
But srsly, hope you are okay!
I'm fine just drained lol
I need to mentally break some shit and scream and I'll be fine
#i dont even know what id scream about#im literally just sleepy#← also me being sleepy makes me irrational and completely overwhelmed with emotions for no reason#which is why “so tired i wanna cry” happens#which i have actually done a lot of times before#and not just a small child#i mean like all the way up to 12yrs old
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Did I mention I've been travelling?? I made it to the biological station a few hours ago and I'm sharing a room with a complete stranger???? She seems nice, but like I'm crying, what an introduction
#my nonsense#ella watches anime#hibike! euphonium#if i'd be at home i would spend the entire day crying#letting it all out#good thing i got the weird apartment building instead of a regular room#so i was alone in the bedroom while i was watching it#i kinda wanna cry some more#i have too many emotions inside of me#but i can't with all these strangers around me????#also i need to go to bed#ughhhhh what a weird state of mind to be in#the episode was also just a lot#it wasn't bad#but it was horrible???#but i loved it#altho it all depends on the final episode#i wish we'd get more after that#i'm not sure if the ending can be satisfactory like this#emotions are running too high#they need more time to settle#not just with the soli going to maya#but kumirei's relationship and nationals and everything#aaahhh i'm worried#AND I'M STILL GONNA BE HERE FOR THE FINALE#luckily we should be getting sunday off but who knows what mountain i'll be climbing then#uhhhh#climbing mountains......
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Me vs actually getting out of the car and facing anyone other than my family today
#I’ve just been sitting in the parking lot outside of Sally’s#I don’t wanna get out of the car. use my legs. use my brain. have to look at people without crying and saying wahhh my dad is dead#ughhhhh emotions go back in the bottle so I can do my hair today
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Ok the fact that Kabru and I have very similar disorderd eating for very similar reasons is making me so emotional. Like I cannot even begin to describe how it makes me feel
#ive had anorexia for over 10 years#i dont wanna tramua dump but it was a mix of wanting to control something giving myself what i thought was the best appearance#byt the biggest thing was wanting others not to worry about me#i wanted others to have my portions over me cause jt made me feel useful when i felt i had no purpose#i still struggle wjth jt a lot#and seeing kabru go through something like that aomething i would never wish on anyone especially him#it makes me just so sad and heartbroken ya kno#you cant pour from an empty cup ya kno ?#if u wanna help take care of kthers u gotta take care of yourself#ill still go days without eating on occasion hell i still dont feel hungry most of the time#but i have people who love me and want me tk be here so i do jt#and to see him going through something so similar it is beyond heartbreaking#im literally crying i just#im emotional im so goddamn emotional#i need to go to sleep or at least try cause im crying but yea#eating disorder tw
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...🥺🫶
#i'm so overwhelmed and emotional about all the sweet comments i've received on my latest fic 😭#(to which i'm gonna reply to asap <3)#it's just that i've been struggling with my writing recently and in general i haven't been having the greatest time this past winter/spring#and i was super insecure about this fic too#even though it's one of the few ones this year that i've 1) actually managed to finish and 2) felt good enough about to publish it#so to hear people say all those nice things about it makes me wanna cry a bit#especially in a time like this when most days i feel like i'm not good enough for anything at all it really means a lot ❤️#(maybe i'm good for something 😭)#and i really truly appreciate anyone who read it whether or not you chose to interact with it in any way. i love you all#and i'm so grateful to be able to share my stories with you 💖
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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone
#ray txt#well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring#short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings#eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some#disease or illness and that I was gonna die#if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit#chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe#random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso#random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression#anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in#psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists#they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are#perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit#so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up#andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now#wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal#that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever#i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications#turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned#this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again#and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it#Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken#he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and#none of it working out#I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question#although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out#really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being#experimented on
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Oh my god could I stop being sick please? It's been two freaking months and I got shit to do!
#nasty bronchitis that ending up putting me in the hospital#I'm behind in doing real life things but also just so freakin tired#i wanna do dumb tumblr stuff#but i already have a post wrote up with links to all the info on shubble/wilbur situation so people don't have to look 50 different places#BUT I also don't wanna make every post I have time to make about... THAT#THAT'S DEPRESSING#but i said i would and I'm a person of my word so...#it's been over a month since I've been able to make a sound#you'd be surprised how bad it is sensory and emotion wise to not be able to laugh or make sounds when you cry or groan in frustration#I'm in PT too because I was so weak by the time I got in the hospital that I couldn't stand#was literally coughing so hard and so constantly that I couldn't keep down food#lost about 25 lbs in 3 weeks according to the doctors (I'm overweight but that is still a LOT for anybody that's not exercising to lose)#going to push myself today because my hair has gotten so thick and long that it's causing too many sensory issues#also a bit of gender dysphoria just to keep it interesting#the person who cuts my hair is aware of how sickly I am and is having me come in when she hasn't been doing a hair treatment before me#still there's a risk of an asthma attack or just collapsing from the short walk#literally do not care#my hair is thick and hot and too long#let me be an androgynous gremlin!#also my cat says hi (he is slapping my phone like No phone love me NOW!!! XD )#bluewind talks
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there's an orv meetup at sakuracon with special ribbons and ive never been this close to downloading a mf sugar daddy app to go
#this is. a joke. completely.#but man theyre having little special cupholders and prints and im OOOGH MAN#THE DREAM...#i should finish orv.... i cant though.. let me finish this school year and then ill have the emotional ability to cry over the summer#thats the plan#anyway most recent con i went to was a blast!#liked it a lot i met a lot of cool people and even got some ffxv + fea merch!#which like.. ffxv in my 2023? insane#uhm what else... no drama too! great!#i was moody tho cuz of my period but i still had a blast#its inspiring and makes me wanna step up my cos game yanno?#since.. i rlly dont spend that much time prepping when i go out sm...#hgm
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...
#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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AAAAAAAAAAAGH
Shippuden ep 474 made me CRY what the hellllllll 😭😭😭😭 naruto saying bye to his dad and telling him all these things to say to his mom based on what all she'd said to him before she died... hit me in the HEART.... the hashirama and madara conversation prior also hit me in the feels, but not as hard as naruto saying bye to his dad 😭😭😭😭😭 god I WISH he'd gotten to hug him!!!!! He deserved to hug his dad!!!!!! Agh!!!!!!!
Also,,,
The fact that Naruto *still* holds Zabuza and Haku's memory so close, despite all the time that's passed... now *that* really hits me good. God, sometimes I really, really love this show
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#IT'S STILL WILD to me that i can cry so readily at shows and such. this used to never happen. with only a few exceptions.#but. auaghahh it's naruto!!!!!! my lifelong anime!!!!!! im finally finishing it!!!!!!!!!#and i have a lot of emotions about many things!!!!!!!#next up is the naruto and sasuke stuff. which i will watch later.#im gonna wanna binge all these episodes in one go. all uhh. 5 of them it looks like.#just 5 more episodes and then i'll be done with the main story. holy shit lmao#i have a feeling it's gonna make me cry too hdkshfmsbd#gotta get to work on my reading tho. the long awaited final showdown will have to wait just a little bit longer...
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