#ive had anorexia for over 10 years

[suzakus-canon-wife]

Ok the fact that Kabru and I have very similar disorderd eating for very similar reasons is making me so emotional. Like I cannot even begin to describe how it makes me feel

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[adhdrexic]

9/12/23

Diary post

well, the past few days I've stayed under 2000 cals which is progress from the 3000+ ive been eating for the past year. im not at the point of weight LOSS yet, but i am maintaining instead of gaining, and thats progress.

its been hard to admit that i have BED as someone whos been anorexic for nearly a decade. nobody talks about how painful it is to feel yourself losing control and not even understanding how to get it back.

my binge eating began because i was so unsatisfied with life that food became the only thing that provided me with dopamine, and it quickly became an addiction. now, its been a year, and im sober off drugs, but not off bingeing. i feel more unhealthy than i ever felt starving and popping stims 5x a day.

throughout the process of developing BED, everyone around me told me constantly how proud they were of my weight gain with no clue about my total lack of self control. they told me how healthy i looked, when in truth, im the most unhealthy ive ever been. and these comments fueled the FUCK out of me to just.. not stop. after all, im healing, right? im getting better?

it took me about 5 months before i was truly aware i had a problem. i had gained 15 pounds and i was happy with that. but then i gained another 5, and another 5, and another 5, and then 10 more. and i realized i couldnt stop.

healing from BED, for me, has been harder than developing anorexia in the first place. until a week ago, when we started talking about habit building and habit breaking in one of my college classes, i had absolutely no idea where to even start. i tried fasting. i binged. i tried exercising. i binged. i tried so much negative self talk it made me consider suicide as my only option.. and i binged... so much. so.. so much.

in all my bingeing, it wasnt until a few days ago that i admitted i had a bingeing problem, and that it had deveoped into BED. but now, here i am, taking the first step. admitting i have a problem.

i learned in my class that a habit consists of three distinct parts, a cue, a routine, and a reward. and through that reward comes KEY WORD craving.

so, my cue was feeling anything, any emotion.

my routine was eating.

my reward was the chemicals that come from eating rich, sweet, salty, calorie dense food.

and then i begun to crave it. and then it became my only way to cope.

so, now i have a mission. create new routines. new habits.

the cue can stay the same, but how i RESPOND to that cue, aka the routine, needs to change. i must do something instead of eating.

something that gives me a reward.

so, ive been writing. but it hasnt worked. so, ive been smoking, but it doesnt work. so, ive been distracting myself in hundreds of different ways, but nothing fucking works. so, what do i do?

my solution, is that i must use my addiction to food to my advantage. i hate using food as a reward, but i must, because it is the only reward that compares to the reward of bingeing.

so, every time i successfully distract myself from eating for at least 30 minutes, i will reward myself with a piece of candy. no matter how i distract myself, i will reward myself.

now, the difficult part is only allowing myself ONE candy. which is where i might have to get my boyfriend involved. The key is that i cant tell him that im rewarding myself for starving, so i must convince him im rewarding myself for something else. so, i guess my distraction will be homework, so i can tell him hes rewarding me for staying focused on my work.

the difficult thing about fixing binge eating is that you cant just get sober from food. its not heroin. its worse. you cant just stop and then have withdrawals and cravings for a while and then eventually get over it. you must learn the art of moderation. and ive never been one for moderation. so this is new to me.

i have one thing by my side, and it is grit and determination. i must, and i mean must stay motivated. i musnt lose sight of this goal. i must prioritize my health.

im not sure if i plan on becoming anorexic again. well, not like i used to be. i simply dont have the means to survive off 500 calories a day anymore. i have college, and a job, and a life i need to be lucid and functional for. but what i can do is slowly lower my goal to 1300 calories a day, roughly maintenance, and exercise regularly. not excessively, but regularly. and slowly, so, so slowly, i should get back to being a shape that i am comfortable being.

one day at a time.

[mousemilf]

The Babdook, Evil Dead, Cabin in the Woods (for da ask me :))

omg thank u... ask me... did u mean meme silly. ily <3

the babadook: have you ever felt like you were being watched? well yeah. yes. a lot.

evil dead: have you ever woken something sinister? you already know this omg ive told u abt this... u want me to reveal this on main i suppose i will. for you. well basically in 2017 i made a little drawing on ****, a few weeks later received the 10 of swords in the mail w my depop order and i was like theres a connection here and i collaged them into this drawing

and well basically i had just moved into my first apartment that week, which was a scary attic from the 20s that had been converted into a studio apartment. i had my little stairwell where there was a landing in the middle w a set of stairs leading to my door, and another set that led down and then had been walled off when the house was renovated into apartments. this will come up later. so i had just moved in there and suddenly i come down w an awful fever, and water starts giving me a rash. i had other people test it to see if it was the water in the apartment but no i would just break out in full body hives anytime i showered or anything. weird right! so obviously im like this is some kind of entity attacking me. obviously right. and then one night my touch lamp starts turning off and on by itself and im hearing a woman laughing and i was like omg its her from the painting shes in there. and thats kind of when it started up. she would torment me and knock things off my shelves at night and mess w the lights. basically anything bad that happened to me was her fault in my eyes like if i lost something i was like its her dark magics aaaaaah! this is also when the whole anorexia thing started back up and i kind of saw her as like my co-conspirator in that. i was like nobody gets me but my haunted painting. pretty soon i moved her down to the aforementioned spooky alcove in my stairwell so she could have her own space and some of the more tangible haunting things like the lights stopped. i would leave her offerings like food and stuff but the thing is i couldnt go down those stairs to clean it up so i would just throw stuff down there and let it rot. a couple times i caught a cockroach in a jar and left it to die in the alcove for her. sometimes she would ask for specific things like if i made cookies she'd want one. i partitioned it off w caution tape so no one could go in her space. i hung a self-portrait across from her to keep an eye on her and she kept knocking it down (probably just bad tape but u know how it is with psychosis.) the thing is, you had to pass her to get into my apartment. so whenever i had anyone over the first thing they saw when they opened my door was my fucked up little shrine and i knew it was embarrassing so i didnt really have people over often after this started. by the time i moved out 3 years later, i wasnt hearing her anymore and did not interact w her very often but i still couldnt remove my shrine when i left but i still got my whole security deposit back anyway bcs bobby is pretty valid as far as landlords go and he probably felt kind of bad for me. anyway. im still not sure how much was psychosis and how much of it was an actual entity bcs other people witnessed the lights thing and said they felt "evil energy" from her. but yeah that was my ultimate crazy bitch moment pretty much. but you knew this already my love.

cabin in the woods: where do you spend your holidays? do your friends go with you? usually with family. matts family did big holiday parties w extended family and im really missing those.. my family doesnt rly do a ton for the holidays its usually just my immediate family but i still like it :-)

thank you my dear. sorry for being mental health on main btw. ilysm

[stonerexic-chronicles]

thankyou and goodbye...

i’ve been thinking long and hard about this blog in my absence and i think it’s time i say goodbye. my life is changing, shifting, growing, i’m learning who i am without my disorder for the first time in 10+ years and i think leaving this part behind is a crucial step. i am so incredibly thankful for each and every one of you who have supported me and cheered me on along the way; the support means more than i can put into words ❣️ i’ve been doing a lot of writing as of late so i thought i’d leave my latest musing here as my last post. thankyou all you, truly.

“things have changed. things are looking up. i feel so very different to i ever have before, there’s hope. the summer sun and it’s warm rays and long nights have made a reappearance. and this summer, this summer is different. last summer i was at my lowest weight at the precipice of one of my hardest admissions, lost in the dark fog of my brain. my days consisted of nothing more than my disorder, i was working myself down the bone, quite literally. feinting on the daily, skeletal, my heart just about failing and yet i insisted i was fine. it was like my parasitic disorder had fully taken over my body, i was nothing but a host.

it’s been the hardest year of my life since then. a year filled with the thing i fear the most, change. ive pulled the rug out from under myself more times than i can count this past year. 2 new farm admissions, the whole greta debacle, moving into the city, my first wesley admission and short stint at robina. only followed by two more incredibly painful medical admissions to the wesley. the horrible, dark couple of months spent back in everton hills, at easily my most suicidal. not to mention going back to uni and dropping out all in the space of 5 weeks, a breakup, a sexual assault and crippling, chronic loneliness. this year tested me, humbled me, completely pushed me to my breaking point, knocked me back down to rock bottom time and time again. but if i’ve learnt anything from this past year, it’s that rock bottom serves as the solid foundations to which i rebuild my life upon.

so here i find myself, nearly half way through day program and for the first time, i truly do not want to be ill, to return to my old way of life. there’s been glimpses of this previously but only ever fleetingly, it never lasted. but now, now i have things to loose if i follow the hare down the twisting, dark burrow that is anorexia. my life has been so, so small these past few years, my days consisted of outpatient treatment, group therapy, treatment friends, there was no element of my life left untouched by anorexia. but now my life is getting bigger again, it’s filling up once more. people are getting to know me without the dark clouds of anorexia hanging over me constantly. and each day i get to meet that person more and more, i get to find out more about them, i get to create myself and i think that’s fucking beautiful.

[if you feel so inclined my ig is @h.yarnold]

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical  because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate. 

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along. 

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

I haven't seen an ED hc on here yet and I need to project a bit so here's this: at the begging all the queen boys were skinny as hell but as time went on the only one who remained that way was brian. and everyone assumed that it was all natural. what they didn't know was that brian consciously started eating less when he got to the age where people's metabolism usually slows down. he was well aware that his skinniness was part of his trademark look and decided he needed to keep it that way (1/3)

he started cutting down the amount and frequency of his meals but the others never noticed - brian had always been peculiar with food (not eating meat or unhealthy things etc.) so they assumed he ate at home whenever he refused the takeout they had in the studio. in the mid 80s they slowly start noticing that brian’s no longer just skinny, but also sickly looking but still don’t say anything, assuming he might have a stomach bug going on (touring can bring that on quite easily after all) (2/3)

then, a couple of months later, brian passes out in the studio and the boys finally connect the dots. they feel incredibly guilty for not noticing the signs and are determined to help brian recover. (3/3) //if you could please write something where the boys realise all this had been going on without them noticing and then try to figure out how to help brian out of this mess while he refuses to believe that he needs help at all (can be gen or you can add a ship if you’d like)

TW explicit mentions of Eating Disorders, Disordered Eating, Anorexia, Orthorexia, Hospitalization and excessive vulgar language. 

All your letters in the sand cannot heal me like your hand…

For my life still ahead, pity me…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

Again.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

One more time. So you remember how you fucked up.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

24 ribs sticking out from grey ashen skin.

Brian’s bony finger traced over each one as he counted outloud, eyes focused on the full body mirror in front of him.

You remember how handsome you used to be? Remember when theyjutted out like a fucking Greek god? But you ruined it. You ate that chocolatecupcake like the pig you are and now you’re fat again. Fat and disgusting.

“One, two, three, four, five…”

It doesn’t matter if you cry about it. It won’t make you anyskinnier. Put on your running shoes, fat ass.

“Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two…”

RUN!

Brian wiped his face free of the tears, eye’s falling downto his bare feet. Skeletal but most people’s standards but bloated looking tohim. He had blisters on his heels from running a mile every morning, but itdidn’t matter. Pain was beauty, right?

♚

Of all the numbers, zero is the most beautiful. Brianthought that to himself as he ran around his neighborhood, the sun dipping inthe sky, crickets already chirping.

His knees hurt so bad, his chest was on fire and he was surehis blisters had reopened, but he had done this to himself. If he only atethings that were good, he wouldn’t have to run this second mile. If he juststopped inhaling anything that came into sight, he could be home right now,settling into a night’s rest.

But he was out here. In the cold English sunset, wearinglayers of jogging clothes to try and keep warm. He deserved this. Briandeserved this.

The day he hit his goal weight, he’d never have to do thisagain. He’d be doing zero laps.

♚

It was nearly midnight before he tempted to step on thescale.

The bathroom was so dark. Only trickles of moonlight pouredin from the window. He refused to turn on the lights since he weighed himselfnaked. Having to see his bare body was revolting. There was so much wrong withit. His legs were too chubby. His stomach so round. His cheeks akin to a hamster.It was better in the dark.

The cold metal of the scale sent a shiver up his body as hestepped onto it. He had to squint to see the number, but he was sure it hadgone up since this morning. That fucking cupcake.

8 stone.

Tears pricked his eyes. The number had gone down. Why was hestill so big?

So big.

Who could like someone so grotesque as him? With so muchskin? With so much fat?

Brian hugged himself, elbows tucking into his concavestomach.

He was disgusting.

♚

“You’re drinking your coffee black, Bri?” Roger asked, nosescrunched up as he peered into Brian’s coffee mug. Brian pulled the mug closerto him defensively but smiled and lolled his head as if nothing was wrong.

“You know I don’t drink milk, mate,” Brian said, taking asip of the acrid brew, forcing his brow to stay unfurrowed.

“Since when? Thought you were vegetarian, not one of thoseweird animal hippies,” Roger said eyes narrowed.

“Well, I’ve decided through research that the milk industryexploits cows. Did you know that mother cows and their c-“

“Yeah, yeah, alright. You could at least put a sugar or twoin there, you mad man,” Roger said with the wave of his hand, Brian’s plan atboring him with animal ethics having worked.

Brian smiled to himself, taking another sip. Roger was outof his mind if he thought he’d ever put sugar in anything he ate. Might as welleat straight fat. At least his little plan worked.

♚

“Brian, sweetheart, you look absolutely pale! Have you caughta cold?” Freddie said, a hand pressing against Brian’s clammy forehead. Brianducked away from the touch, laughing nonchalantly as he did.

“Perhaps? I feel, uh, fine. Maybe I’m just low in something,”he said as convincingly as possible. His fingers started to twiddle with the sleevesof his shirt that was far too big.

Freddie gave him a look he couldn’t decipher but he nodded.

“Well, you better rest up. Can’t have our main guydeveloping an ailment before our show tomorrow, huh?” Freddie said, a handstraying onto Brian’s bony shoulder. The touch made him erupt into goosebumps.

Did he know?

Does it matter?

♚

“Brian, we need to talk,” John said, his grey eyes big andstormy.

His gut dropped to the floor, heart pounding so hard itechoed in his ears. Was the gig up?

Brian wouldn’t go without a fight.

“What about?” he said casually, crossing one leg over theother, leaning back on the couch backstage.

John sat down next to him, uncomfortably close. Brian didn’tlike people touching him. It made it all the harder to hide.

John looked around to see if anyone was around before heleaned and whispered, “The crowds really big tonight. I, um, I’m kinda nervous,”

Oh sweet jesus. Thank god. Thank god.

The anxiety melted from Brian, a small smile growing on hisface.

“John, how old are you? You silly man,” He said jokinglybefore pulling John in for a hug.

The bassist grew rigid, not reciprocating. It’d only been a second,but the atmosphere grew bleak and heavy. John pulled away, face tightened infear. He looked over Brian for a second before he left in a hurry without somuch as a word.

Did he feel how skinny fat Brian was?

Who cares?

♚

Just because you finished a successful tour does not meanyou get to pig out. Look at all this food. It’s disgusting. Unhealthy. Do youwant to be fat? Don’t you want to be the skinny boy everyone knows and loves?

But I’m so hungry…

Hunger is good. Hunger means you’re strong. Hunger means you’rebeautiful. Hunger means you’re worth something.

I don’t feel good.

You won’t feel good if you get fat. If you stay fat.

I really don’t feel good.

Put that carrot down. Do you know how much sugar carrotshave? Do you want to poison your body with junk?

I think I’m gonna…

The after party for The Game fell silent. They’d all beendrinking, laughing, eating and a few other illegal activities when they heard athud. Hundred of eyes searched the room for the source of the noise untilsomeone spotted a collapsed Brian by the single veggie plate in the corner ofthe room.

Flurries of bodies and voices, yells and whispers erupted,some rushing to the phone, some running over to Brian.

Roger, Freddie and John surrounded their guitarist, panicfueling their every move.

“He’s bloody cold! Has someone called 999?” Roger shouted,rolling Brian over so he was on his back. It was a frighteningly easy task todo, the guy being light as a feather.

“Brian, sweetie, wake up please. Help is on the way, love.Stay with us, please,” Freddie pleaded, eyes misty as he held Brian’s handbetween his own, hoping to warm it up some.

John just stood next to the three, mouth and tongue seized,body trembling uncontrollably.

This is good. This is really good. Maybe soon you’ll benothing. Zero. A beautiful number. A beautiful state to be in.

♚

“…He was in fucking heart failure…”

“…electrolytes too low…”

“…emaciated…”

“…bone’s of a 60 year old…”

“And if he had died?”

“…you never said anything!”

“…was I supposed to know what this was?”

“He’s alive no thanks to any of you…”

♚

Brian’s eyes opened sluggishly, theonly thing he could seeing being an intense white light.

Was this it? Was he in heaven? Was allof this finally over? The pain and the cold and the empty stomachs and the migraines?Was that all gone now?

“He’s awake,” a mousy voice said.

Brian’s vision cleared, revealing awhite ceiling.

So he wasn’t dead.

He looked in the direction the voicecame, shivering when he saw it was John. His face was so swollen and so redfrom crying. It looked like he’d done a week’s worth. When their eyes met, Johnlet out a heart shattering sob, burying his face into Brian’s bed sheets. Theywere soaked.

Why was John crying so hard? He justpassed out was all. Nothing to be bent over.

His eyes scanned the room for other faces.

He found Roger’s. His eye bags wereunprecedented. His hair mused like he’d been trying to pull it out. Rogershrunk back into his chair, looking down at his shoes instead.

He didn’t have to look for Freddie.

Freddie walked up to Brian’s bed, hisface untelling. He looked at Brian’s IV, which he just now noticed he hadbefore he opened his mouth to speak. He faltered for a moment but spoke.

“Brian, I am so, so sorry,” he said,voice cracking, throat dry. He reached for Brian’s hand, but Brian pulled away,shaking his head.

“For what, Fred? I just passed out! It’sno one’s fault,” he said incredulously. They all looked like train wrecks for asimple blackout?

Freddie recoiled at Brian’s wordsbefore he softened again. His eyes parted from Brian’s, licking his lips. Whydidn’t anyone want to look at him?

“Brian…you didn’t pass out. You wentinto heart failure. You were in the ICU for 3 weeks in a coma. It…they had touse the electric paddles on you on two separate occasions,” his voice grewthick, obviously trying to push away the urge to cry and scream.

“They thought you weren’t going to makeit,” Freddie mouthed, his shoulders caving in as a few tears escaped down hischeeks.

Brian blinked before finally look downat himself.

Various bruises on his arm fromdifferent IV’s and blood draws Burn marks on his chest. And a line running downhis chest, all stitched and taped up.

A number 1, almost.

Not a zero.

He looked up to Freddie, jaw hanging.

“You needed a bypass, Bri,” Freddiesaid, a nervous hand rubbing his neck.

“W-Why?” Brian choked out, his mindhaving gone blank.

Roger snorted from across the room. “Youknow why,” he said bitterly.

And it was true. Brian knew why.

The room was quiet except for Deacy’smuffled sobs.

“I…I…the…I..can’t bloody think withyour crying, John!” Brian snapped. He didn’t mean it, he really didn’t.This..illness made him do horrible things. Nasty things.

John responded by growing smalleralthough his crying didn’t. Freddie wanted to bark back, but this wasn’t right.None of it was. Instead, he grabbed John and left the room. Roger was the onlyone who could talk to Brian about serious stuff anyways.

Brian gulped when the door slammedbehind the two. Now it was just him and R-

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Rogerasked, playing with the hem of his shirt. There was no malice in his voice.Just a simple question.

“I..didn’t think anything was wrong,”Brian said, which was the truth.

This, whatever it was, made the worldsplit in two. Reality and what went on his brain both felt real. He knew he wassick, but he wasn’t. He knew he was skinny but he wasn’t. He knew he was dyingbut he wasn’t. It was hard to know the truth sometimes. All the times. It washard to reach out when everything felt both okay and crumbling. Which was thetrue one?

Roger let out a puff of air from hisnose, eyes fluttering shut, desperate for sleep. In times of crisis, he seemedto be the only one capable of keeping their wits about, so he’d been on babysittingduty for nearly a month. He wanted his bed so bad.

He wanted his best friend too.

“That’s fair,” he said with a sigh.There was another silence between them before Roger got up and padded over toBrian’s bed side. He plopped himself onto the uncomfortably wet sheets but paidthem no mind, instead looking at the skeleton before him.

“We’re all really sorry, Brian. None ofus knew you were fighting a battle alone. We just thought…I don’t know what wewere thinking. But we thought you had a handle on whatever you were doing and thatwas wrong of us to just assume,”

“You needed us and we weren’t there.There’s only so much we can do about the past though, right? But we’re gonna behere for you from now on. When they send you to the psych w-“

“Psych ward?” Brian spat out, sittingup straighter in bed.

That’s where crazy people go. I’m notcrazy. I’m fine. I’m fine. I don’t belong there. They’ll make me eat. They’llmake me gain weight.

Roger just took in Brian’s anxiety, an uncharacteristicallygentle hand laying onto Brian’s bandaged chest.

With the sincerity and sweetness of amother, Roger said, “We almost lost you Brian. We almost had to bury you. We’renot going to let that happen again. You’re not going to leave us like that,”

Brian laid back against the bed, hisonly veiny and pale hand going over Roger’s.

Nothing felt real. Nothing made sense.Nothing was good. But he knew he could trust Roger. That infernal voice buzzingin his head might have been his constant companion, but Roger was his bestfriend. And best friends don’t lie.

Brian blinked away a few tears, hiswhole body tired, in pain and in a mental tug of war, but he said, “Okay,”Roger collapsed for the first time in weeks.

♚

John held onto Brian so tight, his faceburied into his neck. He would prefer to never let go, but he knew he had tosoon.

“Brian, I lo- you’re my best friend,okay? Get better?” he said before letting go. Brian smiled, patting his back.

Freddie came in for a hug next, meltinginto Brian’s embrace.

“I need my guitarist back. My soul brother,”Freddie said, kissing Brian’s cheek.

Lastly was Roger who just held out hishand for a shake. A firm one.

“See you soon, mate.”

Brian looked at all of them, taking intheir faces before he had to go. Wheeled out from the hospital and into the vanthat’d be taking him to the psychiatric ward.

The future ahead was scary and unknown,but he wanted to charge ahead. He wanted to live. For his friends, his family andmost importantly, himself. He wanted to play guitar and sing and eat and neverworry again.

All he wanted was to be four again.

Not zero.

Never zero.

Take heart my friend we love you

Though it seems like you’re alone

A million light’s above you

Smile down upon your home

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🖤NEW UPDATED BIO🖤🥀

🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&Creator@Br0k3nR0z3z.R3c0v3ry.i❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook)

Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"]

[My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0

My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤]

💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

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ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

WARNING: I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.)

My 1st Email: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com

My 2nd Email: daveycoverdale@gmail.com

🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel.

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━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━

Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ

τнänκ чöü♥

๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻

《ℛιzε》

ℛɨᎮ昇

I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

"Up All Night, Got No Shuteye

Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies

Don't Tell Me Good morning,

Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay?

Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name

call me Izzy, that's what I go by.

Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet.

Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story.

I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world.

It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx

░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░

ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

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❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

.Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀

Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx

Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx

Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx

You Grow Stronger Everyday xx

Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx

🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤

🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤

💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛

💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛

🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋

God Is Good, Amen!

Pray For Me, My Love

I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez

I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore

R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically.

__Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

🖤🥀Updated A Lil Part Of My Life Story Summerized🥀🖤

.♪★I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &10 MonthsClean.

♪★My deceased father tortured me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when my dad's torture got worse, (on multiple occasions on our he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr

♪★now I've been homeless 13 times

♪★I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was In an abusive foster home (the same one I was in), so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in

♪★I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, (under Kimberly's false accusations that I "gave him drugs")

♪★im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.

♪★Jeremy Baraz & Ismhael Baraz, got shot && I saw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well

♪★I was Prostituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused for money for us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live) and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried to st0p her, but I was to late

♪★ I've been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets, Kimberly && many more)

♪★I was in Foster Care a couple times, ×°the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drug addicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one

x°first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents

x° and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide)

♪★I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital)

♪★lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, ♪★multiple treatment centers

crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times)

♪★2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each)

♪★group homes (Rancho Domocitas), ♪★Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls)

♪★rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others)

♪★shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz)

♪★the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino)

♪★been in car accidents (over 10 times)

♪★i have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade

♪★I’ve attempted suicide over 50 to 100 times

♪★I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods)

♪★I have bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode).

♪★depression (major depressive disorder).

♪★paranioa.

♪★anxiety.

♪★Buliemia.

♪★insomnia.

♪★Dissociative Identity Fued.

♪★skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ♪★PTSD.

♪★ocd.

♪★attachment disorder.

♪★Autism.

♪★borderline personality.

♪★amnesia.

♪★multiple personality disorder. ♪★anorexia.

♪★&&..i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much)

♪★been 0n all mental Health medication (I mean ALL)

♪★ People Tried To Send

Me To Metropolitan State Hospital(highest level of Care)

♪★IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions

♪★ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship

♪★and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on four occasions (personal reasons)

♪★I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home

♪★I help others cus im used to people not caring about me

♪★I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there OK.

[beccashapiro94]

Surgery Truth

Some time this month i will once again be whisked away to surgery . All though i make it seem like i didn’t have much choice in the matter I did somewhat. I had the option of waiting 4-6 weeks for the cyst and pain to go away ( which for me was like yes i could do that but with the sheer amount of e.r. visits solely for abdominal pain caused by scar tissue and this 4cm cyst and you expect me to just take ibuprofen doesn’t work for me.) Thus i chose surgery. Which my doctor was less than pleased with considering how many abdominal surgeries i have had .

It is a lot ; here is the list of all surgeries i’ve had in general . tonsils out at 9 , gallbladder out in 2015, c section 2016, debridement of the c section and wound vac placement 2016 , two hernia mesh surgeries 2017, left cystectomy and scar tissue 2018, and now right cystectomy and scar tissue removal 2019. This isn’t counting all the times i went under for removal of the wound vac which i think was 4 , or the endoscopy i had , the liver biopsy i had, and now the colonoscopy i have had . So all in all 9 times under general anesthesia and one time with pain killers and an anti anxiety for the liver biopsy ( which did not work they had to give me a bunch more and iv xanax after .) this surgery will be the big 1-0 times being under general anesthesia . I guess i like my things in tens . I have ten tattoos, have had 10 piercings over the years, and 10 jobs over the years.

The thing is i now understand the real housewives and Michael Jackson for seeming to willing go under the knife . Not saying im getting plastic surgery or ever will be able to afford that , but i get why they like being knocked out so much. It is probably the scariest but best thing . I especially love when i get a good anesthesia person who conks me out before waiting for me to count and who gives me xanax before hand . ( i get beyond nervous surgery day as i fear death most of all and i will be under and under the will of fate and doctors.) That rush of being knocked out is the best , i guess that is also why people like to shoot heroin that immediate head throb and than a total black out followed by waking up in this warm blanket like haze is just amazing. Reminds me of the days i used to do meth and not sleep until the money for drugs ran out and this black out would take over making any bed instantly comfortable .

Also reminds me of when i was a pot head and did pain pills . Those days i didn’t care how fat i got until i found a new drug meth. It made anorexia easy and i lost so much weight that when i got arrested for possession and saw the scale read 120 i cried tears of joy and the nurse in jail thought i was mental for being so happy seeing as i was underweight. I had never been that thin in my life.

Guess what i’m saying is it great i’m having surgery ? NO but for me will the day be completely terrible and icky ? Also no.

I’ll leave you with that beautiful people

[depressed-muffin-666-blog]

Me

1. Im a literal fox. Ears, tail n all. Rawr.

2. K but in all seriousness i basically paw at people for attention

3. I also headbutt people's shoulder for attention, when im bored or needy etc etc

4. Depression

5. I get really anxious really easily. Ive been refered to as having "An extremely concerning amount of anxiety" - totally 'professional' therapist i spoke to once.

6. Me: 'k go ahead tell me what to do n shit, im obedient'

Also me: 'bitch if you think you can boss me around like a slave youve got another thing coming'

7. I've realized i cause a lot of fights, but as soon as someone is actually agressive towards me in any way (mostly yelling) ill have a breakdown

8. Needy

9. I cant tell anyone thats not family that i love them anymore because i know that no matter what everyone just leaves (friends or even something more)

10. Its been over a year since ive been over 3 days clean from self harm (not just cutting, any kind of self harm)

11. Cuddles

12. If i feel like someones ignoring me or blocking me out for some reason ill immediately blame myself and ill literally cry

13. I overthink things a lot

14. Needy

15. i either have anorexia or bulimia, still not sure what one yet

16. I draw a lot

17. I vent through drawing way too often and ive never let anyone look through my sketchbook for that reason. Nobody else except me has seen the drawings

18. Needy

19. Im determined to play electric guitar

20. Im super gay (not really, pretty sure im bi/pan)

21. Really really shy

22. I get upset when people dont tell me that they care or that they actually like me being in their life but im too scared to do the same to them

23. Hugeee gamer

24. 5'2 and cant find any comebacks when people tease me for being short

25. Really small. Im just, really fucking small

26. Ive attempted suicide about 7(?)times now

27. My body decides to make me vomit if i have 2 panadol but it can take 15 of them and not???

28. I zone out thinking about things i care about/miss/wish i had a lot

29. I fucking love otters

30. I dont know if im a cat or dog person, just like i cant decide between boys or girls

I wasnt gonna post this, i was just writing random things about me but whatever lmao

[the-front-row]

“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings” 

BEFORE - AFTER

So I did it . After four very long years I am finally discharged from all eating disorder services . Words cannot express how I will be forever grateful to not only the Leicestershire services but to Hampshire service too . Back when I was first diagnosed I thought that was it , that my life was over especially being re admitted into hospital and leaving uni. I didn’t have a life all that I consist of was constantly intensely fearing weight gain just barely surviving. I was a mess. And didn’t think I could ever get well enough again.

There are not enough words in the world to say how thankful and lucky for every single member of staff who helped me along the journey from therapists to nurses to hca those were the people who got me through every mouthful of food to every morning weigh ins. There were countless times when giving up just seemed so much easier but it was with the support from everyone who helped me through it and who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself I am where I am today because of them. I was proabbly months away from death , anorexia nearly killed me and they saved my life even though at the time I rebelled as much as I could but I’m glad that they were there to sort my sassy attitude out. You are the ones who have inspired me into even considering going back to uni and have inspired me to pick the course I want to pursue .

Looking back to the person I was i can’t believe that was even me. From nearly getting tube fed and constant threats of getting sectioned my mind can’t get around the fact that that was who I was.Now I’m able to think,be creative , And actually laugh at jokes where as before I had to force out a smile . I could barley walk for ten minutes without wanting to collapse . All these memories still haunt me to this day but that’s it , that’s what they are ,just memories, I’m now making new ones , happier ones to replace them.

I can honestly say for the first time in my life I’m proud of the person I am today and everything I’ve achieved and will achieve in the future . Ive proven to myself that I can do anything I want and that I am worth fighting for. I honestly don’t know what the furure holds and if anorexia will ever be apart of my life again but I do know that I can beat anything that I put my mind to .

I can’t thank enough my family who I put through hell and back and who stood by me even through the times I had screaming matches with them . Also thank you Beth , not only are you my twin but who has been my main inspiration through my recovery and will always be , I remember when all I wanted to be was you and you came for hospital visits even though you were in your final year of uni you’ll never know how much your inspire me , you are a reminder of what I want.

I’ve met so many people who really are friends for life and I’m so proud aswell on how far they’ve came . Who knew you could meet such good friends through horrible circumstances. And that’s why I always say I never regret getting ill without it I wouldn’t have known such amazing people . Once you get ill with anorexia I believe you never really get back to the person you once was before the illness but that said you become someone stronger and know yourself a bit more .

For the people struggling still, you’re never too far gone to recover even if it takes you 2,3 or even 10 years it gets better . I’ll always hold the hope for the people who can’t do it for themselves like others did for me .

Here’s to a brighter future ⭐️⭐️Here’s to the new chapter in life .

[juniperpublisherscasestudies]

Juniper Publishers- Open Access Journal of Case Studies

An Unusual Presentation of CNS Histoplasmosis Mimicking Metastatic Cancer

Authored by Hyma Polimera

Abstract

Histoplasmosis capsulatum is a thermally dimorphic fungus that is known to cause histoplasmosis. Most histoplasma infections are mild or asymptomatic in immunocompetent individuals but affected individuals often present with manifestations of an inflammatory response to this infection. We report a case of disseminated histoplasmosis complicated by CNS and adrenal gland involvement.

Keywords: Histoplasma capsulatum; CNS histoplasmosis; fungus

Introduction

Histoplasma Capsulatum is a thermally dimorphic fungus that is known to cause histoplasmosis. Inhalation of Histoplasma microconidia into alveolar spaces transforms them into yeasts. Most histoplasma infections are mild or asymptomatic in immunocompetent individuals. However, affected individuals often present with manifestations of an inflammatory response to this infection. Patients often present with bone marrow suppression (pancytopenia) and elevated liver enzymes [1]. Clinical evaluation reveals a flu-like illness with findings of fever, headache, myalgia, dyspnea, chest pain and infection localized to the lungs [2]. Additional manifestations can include involvement of adrenal glands, central nervous system, and skin [3]. Herein, we present a case of disseminated histoplasmosis complicated by CNS and adrenal gland involvement.

Case Description

A 62-year-old Caucasian man with history of coronary artery disease and bypass graft presented with progressive fatigue, anorexia, and a 75-lb weight loss over a 3-month period. Diagnostic workup by his primary care physician had included CT scans of chest and abdomen/pelvis with contrast that showed bilateral granular ground-glass opacities in lungs as well bilateral adrenal masses and hepatosplenomegaly. Subsequent brain MRI then revealed multiple enhancing lesions, which were concerning for metastasis (Figure 1). Abdominal MRI also revealed a 39.6mm x 33mm left adrenal mass that was concerning for metastasis given the patient’s associated complaints of splenomegaly and pancytopenia (Figure 2). He was then referred to an oncologist, who proceeded with outpatient workup for presumed malignancy, but because of progressive fatigue, hypotension and hypoglycemia, he was admitted to an outside hospital. Later, he was transferred to our institution for further management. On admission, he was noted have pancytopenia and hypercalcemia (Ca=11.7).

Subsequent biopsy of adrenal gland showed nonencapsulated small yeasts, suggestive of either Histoplasma or Cryptococcus. He was started on IV amphotericin B for possible histoplasmosis while waiting for further diagnostic work-up. His serum and urine Histoplasma Ag returned positive with high titers, adrenal tissue culture grew Histoplasma Capsulatum and his blood cultures for fungus also grew Histoplasma Capsulatum after several days. Lumbar puncture also revealed positive CSF Histoplasma antigen, though the level was below level of quantification. His immunological work-up was unremarkable with non-reactive HIV test. Initial CD4 count was low at 166 (39%), but it quickly returned to normal after treatment with IV Amphotericin B suggesting bone marrow suppression from Histoplasmosis itself rather than an underlying immune disorder. He was treated with eight weeks of IV amphotericin B and transitioned to oral Itraconazole for a prolonged period of time that he continues to remain on with good response.

Discussion

Histoplasma Capsulatum is a thermally dimorphic fungus which infects both immunocompetent and immunocompromised hosts [4]. It is endemic to the Ohio and Mississippi River Valleys in the United States and parts of Latin America, Africa, and Asia [5,6]. H. Capsulatum is commonly found in the soil and contaminated material of bat or bird guano. Spread of the disease occurs via inhalation of spores from disturbed guano or soil [5]. In immune-competent persons, spore inhalation commonly results in an asymptomatic infection [5]. Exposure in immune-incompetent patients, due to its mode of transmission via spore inhalation, histoplasmosis most commonly manifests in the lungs, ranging from pneumonitis to severe acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). The yeast form is disseminated via macrophages as they travel throughout the body [6]. CNS involvement in histoplasmosis is either a manifestation of disseminated infection or an isolated focal infection. CNS involvement has been reported in 5-10% of cases of disseminated histoplasmosis, but isolated CNS histoplasmosis is rare, and the exact pathophysiologic mechanism is not known. Although CNS histoplasmosis is increased in individuals with impaired cellular immunity, about 20-30% of patients with this condition are immunocompetent [4].

The clinical features, appropriate diagnostic testing, and treatment regimens recommended for the evaluation, and management of CNS histoplasmosis are based on case reports, and small case series of patients [7]. The most common manifestations of CNS histoplasmosis consist of chronic meningitis and hydrocephalus. Less common presentations include acute meningitis, encephalitis, small ring enhancing lesions throughout the brain and spinal cord, brain abscesses and stroke due to infected emboli. In rare cases, patients with CNS histoplasmosis may present with cachexia and hypercalcemia [6]. Symptoms range from headache, mental status changes, cranial nerve palsies, behavioral changes and ataxia [4]. Morbidity, and mortality appear to be high in patients with CNS histoplasmosis with high rates of relapse [7].

The diagnosis of CNS histoplasmosis can be challenging. Multiple tests for diagnosis of H. capsulatum in the CNS are necessary due to the variability in symptoms and the number of false-negative tests. Culturing of the CSF or CNS parenchymal tissue is the gold standard for diagnosis of CNS histoplasmosis. Antigen detection in CSF culture has a sensitivity of 38% and a specificity of 98%. Additional tests for H. capsulatum polysaccharide antigen (HPA) in CSF, urine, or serum can be performed to aid in the diagnosis and monitor response to therapy. The sensitivity of HPA in the CSF is 38% in all patients and 67% in patients with AIDS. However, the sensitivity of Histoplasma antigen in Urine and Serum is 71%, and 38% respectively [6,8]. Antibody testing in CSF and serum has 80 to 89% and 92% sensitivity, respectively, although these tests are susceptible to cross-reactivity leading to false positives. Serologic testing is especially difficult with AIDS patients and often provides false negatives even with an active infection. In addition, positive CSF culture results are similar to results seen in other fungal and tuberculous meningitis. Therefore, other tests must be performed. MRI often shows single or multiple ring-enhancing lesions in CNS histoplasmosis. However, ringenhancing lesions can also be indicative of an abscess, a necrotic tumor, subdural and epidural empyema or toxoplasmosis. Histoplasmosis should be considered if symptoms correlate to that of the infection or if the patient has had exposure to an endemic area [6].

Optimal treatment for CNS histoplasmosis is unclear. No prospective studies with an evidence-based approach are available. Antifungal therapy is recommended for up to 12 months in immunocompetent patients. Despite appropriate therapy there is risk of failure and relapse which warrants long term suppressive therapy. Based upon expert opinion and the limited available data, IDSA (Infectious Diseases Society of America) guidelines recommend liposomal amphotericin B at a dose of 5mg/ kg daily for a total of 175mg/kg given over 4-6weeks followed by itraconazole 200mg 2-3 times daily for at least one year and until resolution of CSF abnormalities including HPA [4,9].

Conclusion

In conclusion, clinicians should have a low threshold for considering CNS histoplasmosis as a cause for brain lesions. CNS histoplasmosis is a rare condition but requires prompt diagnosis in order to initiate appropriate treatment regimen. Our case depicts a patient who initially presented with concerns for metastatic disease in setting of hypercalcemia, pancytopenia, significant weight loss and generalized weakness. Diagnostic testing further revealed multiple enhancing lesions in brain and bilateral adrenal masses, which was strongly suspicious of malignancy. A subsequent adrenal gland biopsy was crucial in demonstrating multiple yeasts and thus, aiding in diagnosis. In the context of the aforementioned biopsy results and the typical findings of granulomatous involvement of histoplasmosis presenting with hypercalcemia, there was strong evidence to support a diagnosis of disseminated histoplasmosis. Our patient did not have any significant risk factors, he was a normal host with no underlying immunodeficiency disorder, and he did not have significant exposure history like spelunking or exposure to bats or bird droppings. Overall, we present a case of disseminated histoplasmosis with CNS and adrenal involvement in an immunocompetent host with a unique presentation as disseminated histoplasmosis with enhancing CNS lesions.

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[covid19updater]

COVID19 UPDATES: 03/26/2020

Brazil: Brazil’s coronavirus-driven political meltdown seems to be moving very fast and not in a good direction. Governors of all Brazil’s 27 states to convene later tonight to discuss president Bolsonaro’s behaviour

France: French Public Health Official Reports 2,827 People In Need Of Life Support Due To Coronavirus (prev 2,516) - Latest French Death Toll From Virus Stands At 1,331 Deaths (prev 1,100)

NYC: Despite #coronavirus restrictions, NYC subway cars are still PACKED. This video, taken YESTERDAY, shows passengers in an overcrowded train with little evidence of social distancing LINK

Michigan:  2 members of Detroit PD die from COVID 19

US: At least 11 states have reported over 100 new cases of coronavirus on Wednesday, according to updates from each state's Department of Health or state officials. Here is the breakdown from each of these states: New York added over 5,000 cases New Jersey added over 700 cases Louisiana went up 400 cases Pennsylvania reported 276 new cases Texas increased by 259 cases Florida jumped over 215 cases Georgia went up 150 cases Ohio added 140 cases Indiana gained 112 cases North Carolina climbed 106 cases Virginia added 101 cases

US/DOD: EXCLUSIVE-U.S. DEFENSE SECRETARY ESPER ISSUES A STOP MOVEMENT ORDER HALTING ALL TRAVEL AND MOVEMENT ABROAD FOR UP TO 60 DAYS

US: BREAKING: 5 more U.S. Navy sailors aboard aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt test positive for Covid-19 in Western Pacific, bringing total to 8 in past two days: U.S. officials The warship has a crew of 5,000.

NYC: CoV patient died in NYC hospital lobby waiting for bed

World: Wednesday's major coronavirus updates: - USA: +11,204 cases, +146 deaths - Spain: +7,457 cases, +656 deaths - Italy: +5,210 cases, +683 deaths - Germany: +3,907 cases, +47 deaths - France: +2,931 cases, +231 deaths - Iran: +2,206 cases, +143 deaths - UK: +1,452 cases, +43 deaths

RUMINT (Massachusetts): So some very solid info that I just got from my LEO friend down in Massachusetts... people here had posted a few days ago that they noticed a ton of power company trucks all over the place, both convoys and just sitting around in parking lots. Apparently the deal with that is authorities are extremely worried that a normal power outage due to a tree going down or a car hitting a pole would cause mass panic, making people think shit just totally hit the fan because of CoV. Because of this they are having the linemen pre-staged all over the place to respond immediately to any power outage and get it back on as soon as possible so people don't run downtown and start looting stores thinking society just collapsed.

Florida: Miami Commissioner Joe Carollo says he has heard of two additional cruise ships coming to Port Miami with passengers who have tested positive for COVID-19. He says he is concerned because the port is controlled by the county, not the city.

US: Hospitals across U.S. consider universal do-not-resuscitate orders for coronavirus patients LINK

NYC:  An emergency room doctor in Elmhurst, Queens, gives a rare look inside a hospital at the center of the coronavirus pandemic. “We don’t have the tools that we need.” LINK

NYC:  manager at Mount Sinai West hospital in NYC - where staff were forced to wear TRASH BAGS as protective equipment - dies of coronavirus at age 48 LINK

California:  17-year-old teenager died of coronavirus after being released from a Los Angeles hospital LINK

UK:  London hospitals are facing a "tsunami" of coronavirus cases and are beginning to run out of intensive care beds, a senior hospital figure has said. LINK

Italy: Italy's death toll from Covid-19 could be severely underestimated. The town of Nembro, near Bergamo, had 158 deaths so far this year vs 35 on average in the recent past. Only 31 deaths were attributed to Covid-19.

Portugal: 60 deaths and 3544 cases now in Portugal! +17 deaths, +549 new cases and 18,3% rise on cases.  61 critical.

Texas: Warning: 2 men wearing scrubs, masks trying to perform in-home coronavirus tests LINK

Singapore: Health officials in Singapore reported 73 new confirmed cases of the novel coronavirus on Wednesday, making it the country’s largest single-day increase in cases.

Italy: ITALY'S LOMBARDY REGIONAL GOVERNOR SAYS CORONAVIRUS DATA ON WEDNESDAY "NOT VERY GOOD", NUMBER OF CASES UP BY SOME 2,500

Switzerland: A strange pattern has emerged in COVID-19 CFRs in Switzerland. COVID-19 has been twice as likely to kill patients in French-speaking cantons of Switzerland than in German-speaking, and more than twice as likely to kill patients in Italian speaking cantons than in French ones.

UK: BREAKING - United Kingdom is changing how #COVID19 deaths are recorded and made public, a Downing Street spokesman confirmed. Seems the UK is starting to hide deaths now.

Germany: BREAKING - "We already have many infected with #COVID19. And we have many dead already." Germany's Health Minister adds: "This is still the calm before the storm."

Russia: BREAKING - The Russian Ministry of Defense has allocated 8.8 billion rubles for the construction of 16 makeshift field hospitals for #COVID19 patients across the country.

Germany: BREAKING - Germany's Minister of Agriculture complains about staff shortages in the food supply amid #COVID19. Foreign seasonal workers are lacking in slaughterhouses and dairies. Sowing of grain also at risk.

RUMINT (New Orleans): "I am an ER MD in New Orleans. Class of 98. Every one of my colleagues have now seen several hundred Covid 19 patients and this is what I think I know. Clinical course is predictable. 2-11 days after exposure (day 5 on average) flu like symptoms start. Common are fever, headache, dry cough, myalgias(back pain), nausea without vomiting, abdominal discomfort with some diarrhea, loss of smell, anorexia, fatigue. Day 5 of symptoms- increased SOB, and bilateral viral pneumonia from direct viral damage to lung parenchyma. Day 10- Cytokine storm leading to acute ARDS and multiorgan failure. You can literally watch it happen in a matter of hours. 81% mild symptoms, 14% severe symptoms requiring hospitalization, 5% critical. Patient presentation is varied. Patients are coming in hypoxic (even 75%) without dyspnea. I have seen Covid patients present with encephalopathy, renal failure from dehydration, DKA. I have seen the bilateral interstitial pneumonia on the xray of the asymptomatic shoulder dislocation or on the CT's of the (respiratory) asymptomatic polytrauma patient. Essentially if they are in my ER, they have it. Seen three positive flu swabs in 2 weeks and all three had Covid 19 as well. Somehow this ***** has told all other disease processes to get out of town. China reported 15% cardiac involvement. I have seen covid 19 patients present with myocarditis, pericarditis, new onset CHF and new onset atrial fibrillation. I still order a troponin, but no cardiologist will treat no matter what the number in a suspected Covid 19 patient. Even our non covid 19 STEMIs at all of our facilities are getting TPA in the ED and rescue PCI at 60 minutes only if TPA fails. Diagnostic CXR- bilateral interstitial pneumonia (anecdotally starts most often in the RLL so bilateral on CXR is not required). The hypoxia does not correlate with the CXR findings. Their lungs do not sound bad. Keep your stethoscope in your pocket and evaluate with your eyes and pulse ox. Labs- WBC low, Lymphocytes low, platelets lower then their normal, Procalcitonin normal in 95% CRP and Ferritin elevated most often. CPK, D-Dimer, LDH, Alk Phos/AST/ALT commonly elevated. Notice D-Dimer- I would be very careful about CT PE these patients for their hypoxia. The patients receiving IV contrast are going into renal failure and on the vent sooner. Basically, if you have a bilateral pneumonia with normal to low WBC, lymphopenia, normal procalcitonin, elevated CRP and ferritin- you have covid-19 and do not need a nasal swab to tell you that. A ratio of absolute neutrophil count to absolute lymphocyte count greater than 3.5 may be the highest predictor of poor outcome. the UK is automatically intubating these patients for expected outcomes regardless of their clinical presentation. An elevated Interleukin-6 (IL6) is an indicator of their cytokine storm. If this is elevated watch these patients closely with both eyes. Other factors that appear to be predictive of poor outcomes are thrombocytopenia and LFTs 5x upper limit of normal. Disposition I had never discharged multifocal pneumonia before. Now I personally do it 12-15 times a shift. 2 weeks ago we were admitting anyone who needed supplemental oxygen. Now we are discharging with oxygen if the patient is comfortable and oxygenating above 92% on nasal cannula. We have contracted with a company that sends a paramedic to their home twice daily to check on them and record a pulse ox. We know many of these patients will bounce back but if it saves a bed for a day we have accomplished something. Obviously we are fearful some won't make it back.We are a small community hospital. Our 22 bed ICU and now a 4 bed Endoscopy suite are all Covid 19. All of these patients are intubated except one. 75% of our floor beds have been cohorted into covid 19 wards and are full. We are averaging 4 rescue intubations a day on the floor. We now have 9 vented patients in our ER transferred down from the floor after intubation. Luckily we are part of a larger hospital group. Our main teaching hospital repurposed space to open 50 new Covid 19 ICU beds this past Sunday so these numbers are with significant decompression. Today those 50 beds are full. They are opening 30 more by Friday. But even with the "lockdown", our AI models are expecting a 200-400% increase in covid 19 patients by 4/4/2020. Treatment Supportive worldwide 86% of covid 19 patients that go on a vent die. Seattle reporting 70%. Our hospital has had 5 deaths and one patient who was extubated. Extubation happens on day 10 per the Chinese and day 11 per Seattle. Plaquenil which has weak ACE2 blockade doesn't appear to be a savior of any kind in our patient population. Theoretically, it may have some prophylactic properties but so far it is difficult to see the benefit to our hospitalized patients, but we are using it and the studies will tell. With Plaquenil's potential QT prolongation and liver toxic effects (both particularly problematic in covid 19 patients), I am not longer selectively prescribing this medication as I stated on a previous post. We are also using Azithromycin, but are intermittently running out of IV. Do not give these patient's standard sepsis fluid resuscitation. Be very judicious with the fluids as it hastens their respiratory decompensation. Outside the DKA and renal failure dehydration, leave them dry. Proning vented patients significantly helps oxygenation. Even self proning the ones on nasal cannula helps. Vent settings- Usual ARDS stuff, low volume, permissive hypercapnia, etc. Except for Peep of 5 will not do. Start at 14 and you may go up to 25 if needed. Do not use Bipap- it does not work well and is a significant exposure risk with high levels of aerosolized virus to you and your staff. Even after a cough or sneeze this virus can aerosolize up to 3 hours. The same goes for nebulizer treatments. Use MDI. you can give 8-10 puffs at one time of an albuterol MDI. Use only if wheezing which isn't often with covid 19. If you have to give a nebulizer must be in a negative pressure room; and if you can, instruct the patient on how to start it after you leave the room. Do not use steroids, it makes this worse. Push out to your urgent cares to stop their usual practice of steroid shots for their URI/bronchitis. We are currently out of Versed, Fentanyl, and intermittently Propofol. Get the dosing of Precedex and Nimbex back in your heads. One of my colleagues who is a 31 yo old female who graduated residency last may with no health problems and normal BMI is out with the symptoms and an SaO2 of 92%. She will be the first of many. I PPE best I have. I do wear a MaxAir PAPR the entire shift. I do not take it off to eat or drink during the shift. I undress in the garage and go straight to the shower. My wife and kids fled to her parents outside Hattiesburg. The stress and exposure at work coupled with the isolation at home is trying. But everyone is going through something right now. Everyone is scared; patients and employees. But we are the leaders of that emergency room. Be nice to your nurses and staff. Show by example how to tackle this crisis head on. Good luck to us all."

China: BREAKING - China is drastically reducing the number of international flights from Sunday, as they fear a second wave of #COVID19 from foreign countries. But they cried when others banned flights from China.

US/DOD: US Army Goes To Highest State of Health Protection: SUBJECT: FRAGO 13 TO HQDA EXORD 144-20 ARMY WIDE PREPAREDNESS AND RESPONSE TO CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) OUTBREAK// (U) REFERENCES. REF//A/ THROUGH REF//WW/ NO CHANGE. REF//XX/ [ADD] FRAGO 12 TO HQDA EXORD 144-20 ARMY WIDE PREPAREDNESS AND RESPONSE TO CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) OUTBREAK, DTG: 230210Z MAR 20// 1. (U) SITUATION. [ADD] MITIGATION MEASURES TAKEN BY THE ARMY TO BLUNT THE SPREAD OF COVID-19 HAVE PROVEN INSUFFICIENT. COVID-19 CONTINUES TO SPREAD GEOGRAPHICALLY AS THE NUMBER OF INFECTED PERSONS CONTINUES TO RISE. CIVILIAN CAPABILITY AND CAPACITY ARE BECOMING MORE STRESSED AS DENSE POPULATION CENTERS CONTINUE TO REPORT HIGHER RATES OF INFECTION THAT ARE IMPACTING MAJOR TRANSPORTATION HUBS AND SUPPLY CHAINS. ADDITIONAL MEASURES AND ACTIONS ARE REQUIRED TO PROTECT THE FORCE FROM FURTHER SPREAD OF COVID-19. FOR EXAMPLE, TO MAINTAIN STRATEGIC READINESS AND PRESERVE OUR RAPID-RESPONSE CAPABILITIES, WE ARE PLACING RAPID-RESPONSE FORCES UNDER HPCON DELTA.

France: The newspaper "Die Welt" reports on Italian conditions in France: A team of German doctors discovered during a visit to Strasbourg that triage had long reigned in Alsace. Means: Patients are sorted according to chances of survival. Brigitte Klinkert, President of the French department Haut-Rhin, to "Die Welt": "We have been doing triage for two weeks. Patients over 80, over 75, and sometimes over 70 can no longer be intubated because we simply lack the ventilators. It cannot be said often enough, because not only the German neighbors, but also the French outside of Alsace are not yet aware of the situation here. "

NYC: BREAKING - Last night EMS in New York took 6,406 medical 911 calls. The highest volume ever, surpassing the level of calls on 9/11 when the terrorist planes hit the WTC.

US: BREAKING - U.S. Navy to test all sailors on aircraft carrier in Pacific as #COVID19 cases grow, and grow, and grow. 24 sailors aboard USS Theodore Roosevelt have now tested positive for the virus. TR pulling into Guam soon, Navy says

World: GLOBAL CORONAVIRUS CASES REACHES HALF MILLION MARK WITH CHINA, ITALY AND US ON TOP 3 LIST #breakingnews

New York: 34% OF NEW YORK CORONAVIRUS TESTS ARE COMING BACK POSITIVE

Italy: BREAKING - Italy reports 6,153 new #COVID19 cases and 662 new deaths. Total now 80,539 coronavirus infections in the country and 8,165 dead.  MOST NEW CASES IN FIVE DAYS

Louisiana: Another update on hospitalization of covid patients in Louisiana: Today, 676 patients (29%) are hospitalized. 239 of them are on ventilators, which are in short supply, especially in New Orleans.

US: FAUCI SAYS THINKS CORONAVIRUS WILL CONTINUE ON THROUGH SUMMER, DOES NOT THINK IT WILL "DISAPPEAR"

New Jersey: NEW JERSEY CORONAVIRUS CASES INCREASE BY 2,492 FROM DAY EARLIER TO 6,876, DEATHS UP BY 19 TO 81 -GOVERNOR PHIL MURPHY

New York: The number has now climbed to 351 members of the NYPD that have tested positive for coronavirus

UK: BREAKING: UK reports 2,129 new cases of coronavirus and 113 new deaths, raising total to 11,658 cases and 578 dead

France: LATEST DEATH TOLL IN FRANCE FROM CORONAVIRUS STANDS AT 1,696 DEATHS (VS 1,331 yesterday) - PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL

NYC: NBC News: 131 FDNY members have tested positive for COVID19. More than 2,000 members of the agency are on medical leave, most of them with flu-like and coronavirus-like symptoms, per senior FDNY official. 

RUMINT: Report from a friend who is an ER PA in a mid size city. No, I will give no other identifying info about him. Testing 250-300 per day. Some positives with low grade (101 and below) fever, but those also have diarrhea. Their first cases were idiots who went to Mardi Gras. No, he in not in NOLA. These assholes transported the virus to their hometown. They expect it to really ratchet up next week, and go full on crazy the week after.

RUMINT (NYC): So many police officers in NY infected, many in quarantine, and more to follow. When the “urban youths” figure out the cats are unable to come out, it will be full on mayhem time. The guard will be necessary to tamp that shit down. If the rubber bullets don't at first work, I suspect there will be shoot to kill orders. Otherwise, the non rape/pillage/loot people will be butchered.

Anonymous Doctor’s Evaluation of COVID19: Ebola is a knock out expert. HIV plays the long game but only ends 1 way, COVID is the illegitimate brother to them both.

US: BREAKING: U.S. overtakes China as the country with the highest number of confirmed coronavirus cases

[everybodyhasabrain]

Is recovery from mental illness possible?

Yes. The answer is an unequivocal, irrefutable yes. We can see this in anecdotal personal experiences and in research. Let’s start with an anecdote and then we’ll explore some research and what it might mean for you on your own journey.

In the past, I struggled with a bunch of different mental illness diagnoses. The symptoms included things like believing people were trying to poison my water bottle, standing in front of the stove to make sure it didn’t turn on after I’d checked that it was off, washing my hands repeatedly under scalding hot water until they felt clean, checking the door lock repeatedly, seeing people get run over by cars, seeing myself smash my teeth out or stab sharp objects through my eyeballs, not picking up knives because I was afraid of stabbing somebody, sinking entire days into online compulsions, not touching raw meat, convincing myself I’d contracted a terrible disease, leaving every relationship I got into, taking hours to write a simple email, changing how I acted in my apartment because I believed I was being watched, and so on and so on. It’s a long list. Struggling with my brain consumed every minute of my life.

The great news is, I don’t deal with any of those symptoms any longer or any of the crushing anxiety or depression that went along with them. After some bouncing around the mental health care system, I was lucky enough to find therapy, I learned skills to cut out all of the compulsions I was engaging in and how to relate differently to the stuff in my head. It was gruelling work, I had to make massive changes in my life, but it’s been more than seven years now since I would have classified as having a diagnosable mental illness. I am not mentally ill. My mental health is better than it has ever been and it would be impossible to go back to struggling with mental illness unless I chose to do it. You can learn more about how I define recovery in this video: “How do you define recovery?”

I am not an anomaly. Let’s start with some of the tough ones because when I bring up recovery, I’m usually met with comments like: “Yeah, but not for serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia,” or “Sure, but not for personality disorders…” The thing is, it’s people with lived experience of those diagnoses that have been leading the recovery movement for decades.

We know people recover from Borderline Personality Disorder. In one 10 year study, they found that 83% of participants experienced at least a four-year remission of symptoms during the study, and 50% achieved full recovery: “Time to Attainment of Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder and Stability of Recovery: A 10-year Prospective Follow-Up Study,” American Journal of Psychiatry.

For an inspiring anecdote, check out the work of Brandon Marshall, who was at risk of losing his career in football to BPD but got help and is back playing with the New York Giants and started a non-profit to help others get the same chance at recovery he had. He shares more in this article he wrote for The Players’ Tribune: “The Stigma”

With schizophrenia, research shows between 40% to 60% of patients can expect remission of symptoms if they get treatment: “Remission in schizophrenia: validity, frequency, predictors, and patients’ perspective 5 years later,” Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience. A meta-analysis found around 14% of patients would meet the criteria for full recovery: “A systematic review and meta-analysis of recovery in schizophrenia,” Schizophrenia Bulletin.

A big caveat here is that research studies tend to focus on traditional therapies that generally try to get rid of hallucinations. Recent approaches to recovery emerging from within the schizophrenia community often focus on learning how to experience hallucinations. To learn more about learning how to hear voices, check out the International Hearing Voices Network.

And we could go on through whatever diagnosis you can think up. Eating disorders? 49% of patients recovered during this study: “Recovery and Relapse in Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa: A 7.5-Year Follow-up Study,” Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

And what about Major Depressive Disorder? This meta-analysis of 92 studies encompassing 6937 patients had 62% of participants no longer meeting the criteria for MDD: “The effects of psychotherapies for major depression in adults on remission, recovery and improvement: A meta-analysis,” Journal of Affective Disorders.

Or maybe addiction? A study of 4422 adults with a history of alcoholism found 35.9% in complete recovery and 27.3% in partial recovery. “Recovery from DSM-IV alcohol dependence: United States, 2001–2002”, Addiction.

I’m going to stop things there because it’s weird we even need to have this conversation. Of course recovery from mental illness is possible. The real conversation to have is this: What makes it possible for some and not others? How can we support more people through recovery? How can we make changes in the context surrounding people to help them succeed with recovery? How can we remove systemic barriers and challenges that fuel relapse?

You might look at those recovery numbers and say they’re not very high. For most of those illnesses, less than half of people receiving treatment found recovery. But the most effective treatments for mental illness all involve the patient taking action on their own every day. Any therapist can tell you how to change your relationship with your thoughts or how to cut out a compulsion, but you still have to do it and keep doing it. So what we’re looking at with mental health is more like physical fitness. 

Those recovery rates I cited are probably no different than what you’d expect to see with any other behavioral change, like somebody getting into great physical shape. How many people can make the changes to improve their physical fitness level each year? Figures on gym membership drop-outs are tough to come by but by six-months into the year, around 40% of new members have dropped out. That doesn’t mean the remaining 60% all become Olympic athletes. And those are the people who can at least access a gym. If you’re working two jobs and struggling to buy food for your family, how could you have time and money for a gym membership or weekly therapy sessions? Humans struggle with change even when they’re oozing privilege. Throw in socioeconomic barriers and the difficulty swells.

Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy for recovery from OCD. It’s challenging, but it’s worth it. The key though is actually following through on it. A 2005 study on ERP found that 86% of participants improved significantly after a 12 week course of therapy if they stuck with the therapy. Of the group that dropped out before the end of the 12 weeks, only 62% saw improvement. “Randomized, placebo-controlled trial of exposure and ritual prevention, clomipramine, and their combination in the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder,” American Journal of Psychiatry.

That study wasn’t about long-term recovery but that gap between the group that completed the study and those who didn’t illustrates the problem we’re dealing with here: your chances of improving your mental health drop significantly if you can’t do the work to improve your mental health. Expecting recovery without the support to make the changes involved with recovery is like expecting to develop the endurance and strength to run a marathon without doing any training. It’s just not possible. We need to look at the contextual factors around a person struggling with mental illness. We need to look at barriers getting in the way of making and sustaining changes. We need to look at support.

If you or somebody you know is dealing with mental illness, expect recovery. Seek out professional help that believes in recovery. But most importantly, take action. What supports need to be in place to succeed with recovery? What barriers do you need to remove? What baggage can you throw out to lighten the journey ahead?

[bloojayoolie]

Apparently, Beautiful, and Click: finn A LEVEL 1 rated baby puppy in dire need of TLC, vetting & a family. A total sweetheart, who adores everyone. Id 60236 12 Mos., 35 1bs., Manhattan ACC TO BE KILLED 6/15/19 *** IN ISO – POSSIBLY PNEUMONIA *** Sweet, Level 1 rated puppy FINN needs a foster or adopter ASAP so he can get the veterinary care he needs! Adopted in April, returned in June due to his medical issues, sweetheart Finn isn't feeling too well…. This poor sweet boy has CIRDC, possibly Pneumonia, and he has swollen salivary glands, a painful condition that has not yet been diagnosed fully! This poor baby is so sweet – barely a year old, and full of joy despite his pain. He’s LEVEL 1 rated too – the very best score you can get. As a staff member writes: “Rock star? More like Cuddle Buddy. Rock star is the sweetest puppy I have met so far. He loves to curl up in your lap and pretend to be way smaller than he actually is. He is also very playful. Although toys may not be his thing, warm hugs and genuine love will satisfy him more than toys ever will. With those big beautiful ears you can tell that he is always searching for a new play mate. Come into the Manhattan ACC today and meet this wonderful boy. I guarantee that you will fall in love instantly.” Please don’t let him sit there a minute longer in pain and sick. If you can foster or adopt Finn, hurry and Message our page or email us at MustLoveDogsNYC@gmail.com for assistance. Remember, if you foster, the rescue that pulls pay medical. MY MOVIES Seven, Samosa and Rock Star aka Finn https://youtu.be/9n_vk86r2rk Belly and Rock Star aka Finn https://youtu.be/pgqt6LRIyrc FINN aka ROCK STAR, ID# 60236, 12 Mos., 35 lbs., Neutered Male Manhattan ACC, Medium Mixed Breed, Brown / White Owner Surrender Reason: Shelter Assessment Rating: LEVEL 1 Medical Behavior Rating: MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 8-Jun-2019 Per Dr. 1379 this patient was administered 1ml of Buprenorphine at 9:33 pm on 6/7 7-Jun-2019 Tech Exam. Temp: 101.7 F at 2:50 PM 7-Jun-2019 Progress Exam. Subjective Observations: hx of pneumonia and mandibular swelling. Had work up at referral hosp and cause of mandibular swelling has not been diagnosed definitively. Ate well overnight. BAR in kennel. Large, firm painful mandibular swelling rostral mandible. Dried mucoid nasal d/c present at both nares. Assessment: CIRDC +/-pneumonia, mandibular swelling. PLAN: Sedated mandible and chest rads. Chest rads no apparent consolidation of lung lobes. R/o pneumonia responsive to treatment. Lateral and VD skull rads show large lytic bone lesion on mandible. R/o infection v neoplasi v inflammatory. rec bone biopsy v continue treatment. 7-Jun-2019 Tech Exam. Sedated Finn with 0.3 mL butorphanol, 0.3 mL dexdomitor and 0.2 mL midazolam IM at 10:33 AM as per DVM 1697 for chest and jaw radiographs. Administered additional 0.3 mL dexdomitor at 11:07 AM. Uploaded rads to SB. 6-Jun-2019 Blood Work Interpretation. CBC: -Monocytosis (severe)-r/o chronic infection vs. inflammation vs. neoplasia, -Eosinopenia, Chemistry: -Hyperphosphatemia, -Hypochloremia, -Hyperglobulinemia. 6-Jun-2019 Tech Exam. Per Dr. 1379, did not administer Pyrantel and Trazadone due to oral condition. 6-Jun-2019 Tech Exam. Administered Buprenorphine 0.3 mg/ml 1ml IM @ 6:40PM. Administered Clavamox 250 mg 1T in vienna sausage and Enrofloxacin 204 mg 1T in vienna sausage. Performed CBC/Chem. 6-Jun-2019 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: 1 year. Microchip noted on Intake? Yes, previously placed at MACC. Microchip Number (If Applicable): History : Owner surrender. Adopted back in April. When adopted he had a fever, swollen jaw with blood-tinged saliva, a cough and red eyes. Was taken to vet and also specialty clinic (see uploaded documents). He was diagnosed with pneumonia and tested positive for Boredetella, Herpesvirus, pneumovirus and Respcorona virus. He was hospitalized for a few days on IV fluids, antibiotics and nebulization. Eventually was sent home on oral antibiotics (Clindamycin, enrofloxacin) and Rimadyl. A sedated oral exam was performed and possible FNA and cytology was performed of jaw swelling? (no records of results). Subjective: BAR. Observed Behavior -Very friendly. Wagging his tail. Interested in Vienna sausages and eventually eats them but he is having trouble with mastication and food falls from mouth. Evidence of Cruelty seen -No. Evidence of Trauma seen -No. Objective: T =103 F, P =120 bpm, R =eup, BCS 4/9. EENT: Moderate episcleral injection OU, ears clean, mild to moderate nasal discharge noted. Oral Exam: Severely swollen lower jaw, holds mouth slightly open, mild blood-tinged saliva associated with mandibular teeth, trouble with mastication of food, interested in eating but food falls from his mouth, painful on opening of oral cavity, limited rom of jaw. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, harsh BV sounds, no obvious crackles or wheezes, actively coughing, no sneezing. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: M/N. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: Clean externally. Assessment: -Swollen mandible, trouble with mastication, painful when mouth is opened, limited rom. -Coughing, nasal discharge-r/o CIRDC vs. pneumonia vs. other, -Fever, -Episcleral injection, -Low appetite reported, Prognosis: Fair to good. Plan: -CBC/chem, -Clavamox 250 mg PO BID x 14 days to start (gave first dose this evening, may need to extend past clinical resolution, should be extended for at least 2 weeks past clinical resolution). -Enrofloxacin 204 mg PO SID x 14 days (gave first dose this evening, also may need to extend). -Buprenex 1 mL IM given, -Continue Buprenex 1 mL SQ (0.02 mg/kg dose) BID until otherwise directed, -Move to medical iso, -Needs sedated x-rays tomorrow of jaw and CXR and also a sedated oral exam +/-FNA and cytology of jaw swelling, -May need further work-up at specialty clinic pending blood work and x-rays and other diagnostics. SURGERY: Already neutered ----------------------------------------------- NOTES FIRST STAY / Intake 17-Apr-2019 ROCK STAR, ID# 60236, Unaltered Male Manhattan ACC,, Medium Mixed Breed, Brown / White Surrender Reason: Found Stray / brought in by police, 4/17/2019 Shelter Assessment Rating: LEVEL 1 Medical Behavior Rating: SHELTER ASSESSMENT SUMMARIES: Date of assessment: 18-Apr-2019 Leash Walking Strength and pulling: None Reactivity to humans: None Reactivity to dogs: None Leash walking comments: None Sociability Loose in room (15-20 seconds): Highly social Call over: Approaches readily Sociability comments: Body soft, stays by assessor, jumps up and licks assessor's face Handling Soft handling: Seeks contact Exuberant handling: Seeks contact Comments: Body soft, leans into pets Arousal Jog: Follows (loose) Arousal comments: None Knock: Approaches (loose) Knock Comments: None Toy: No response Toy comments: None PLAYGROUP NOTES - DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: 4/17-4/19: When introduced off leash to male and female dogs, Rockstar engages in exuberant play with all. MEDICAL BEHAVIOR: Date of initial: 17-Apr-2019 Summary: Active, allowed handling ENERGY LEVEL: We have no history on Smasher so we cannot be certain of his behavior in a home environment. However, he is a young, enthusiastic, social dog who will need daily mental and physical activity to keep him engaged and exercised. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct his energy and enthusiasm. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION Level 1 Behavior Asiloma H - Healthy MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 7 FIRST STAY 7-May-2019 Tech Exam, unable to do vet treatment due to offsite in vet hospital 2-May-2019 Tech Exam. Vet treatments (Da2pp annual, pyrantel, reweigh) skipped 5/2/19 due to patient being off-site at Vet Hospital 29-Apr-2019 Progress Exam. Received call from DVM at Manhattan Vet Group (212-988-1000). Owners report: -Nasal discharge, moist cough, red eyes x 1 week. -Anorexia x 1 day, -Red tinged, malodorous drool, -Discomfort when touching face DVM findings: -Dehydrated, -swollen chin, -nasal, discharge, -harsh lung sounds, -104.3 F temp, -QAR -hypersalivating, -suspect pneumonia, Needs: rads, sedated oral exam, further hospitalization Forwarded info to Placement Senior Mana, ement for follow up 20-Apr-2019 Spay/Neuter Summary, Pre-surgical exam, anesthesia, and surgery performed by ASPCA. Green linear tattoo placed lateral to incision. Start on 1 tablet of rimadyl 75 mg SID PO for 2 days. 17-Apr-2019 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: 7months year based on condition of teeth. Microchip noted on Intake? no. Microchip Number (If Applicable): N/A. History : stray brought in by police. Subjective: BAR, Observed Behavior -relaxed body posture; energetic; wants to lick and lick. Evidence of Cruelty seen - no. Evidence of Trauma seen - no. Objective: P =120hr, R =40rr, BCS 7/9. EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: NSF. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: MI w/ 2 down. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Assessment: apparently healthy. Prognosis: good. Plan: complete intake procedures SURGERY: Okay for surgery 17-Apr-2019 LVT Intake. Microchip Scan: negative, placed. Evidence of Cruelty: no. Observed Behavior: allows all handling Sex: intact male. Estimated Age: reported ~1y Subjective: Stray, no history, seemingly healthy. Eyes: clear. Ears: clean. Oral Exam: no staining. Heart: WNL Lungs: WNL. Abdomen: WNL. Musculoskeletal: WNL BCS 5.5/9. Mentation: BARH. Preliminary Assessment: seemingly healthy. Plan: DVM intake *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🥀||21% Of My Life Storyyx||Stay Alive||🥀🥀

🥀🥀Mental Physcotic Breakdown/Episode . This is one of my least explicit ones. Meet Tyler Alvaro x🥀🥀

😔😞W3lc0m3 T0 Th3 W0rld 0f I33y Magdalinoz-Martinez/Br0k3n R0z3z/Sara Pi3rce/Tyl3r Fiaskko-Alvaro. This is my life. 0r 21% 0f It. TRIGGER WARNING!!!

●21%0F.MY.LIFE UDATED VERSION: ... 🥀Itz Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez,Asexual. I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &1MonthClean (used every drug except shrooms, Molly and Bathsalts) .I use to forget about my pain, I went to rehabs,(CHYC as mental health and drugNAlcohol Treatment for a year, went to NA and AA?meetings once a week) I’m 21 years old, my dad died In 2011 (of a reported heart attack, but I thought I killed him, I tried to kill him in his sleep multiple times), but he abused me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when the torture got worse, when he hit my mom I started going on a rampage) (beenThruTraumaSince4till2monthsAgo) but I couldn’t tell my mom he was abusing me and torturing me  (on multiple occasions on our "father-daughter trips" or when we were alone) or he would sell me or kill me, so I had mixed feelings he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr, he also made me go to the bathroom && strip for him, he would shoot me up and laugh),, i was out on the streets at first in 2012 (I want insane and lost it in May of 2011), now I’m homeless 13 times (witnessed a lot of crimes, did crimes, a lot happened to me also I did a lot as well) ,getting arrested, in fights, almost been killed, I rose a 9 year old kid (now 13 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was I an abusive foster home, so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in, I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away,after acar accident&igot framed for giving him drugs,&Inever seen him since,Kimberly and i adopted him from an abusive foster home, after me and Kimberly broke up cuz she was cheating on me with my friend Jeremy and b4 Anthony got taken we went 2 court and Kim got all parental rights and i had to pay child support and got superviszed visits, Jeremy Baraz later told me that Kimberly and him were engaged, I got heated and flipped out and he raped me and we got into an altercation, he helped me on the streets&&was my partner in crime , he bailed me out at the police station (after I got put on temporary probation for continually committing crimes and trashing a strangers car cuz there was drugs in there and they were going to go after my son with that car and drug him up, later they cut the probation if I went to long term rehab) , Ishmael Baraz (Jeremys brother, also guided me and later on got into a shooting scene, so i had to bail him out, only fair u know, we went crazy and i almost got killed and so did he, i pointed the gun towards the officer and stated "if you don't let my friend go, I will shoot u and all of ur officers", and they tazed me (and on multiple other occasions went crazy on police, grabbed the gun , gotten tazed, got the cops called on me for no reason but sometimes 4A reason, im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.) he was a convicted felon, && We were all in a cop chase, we made it to OC with Jeremy, and later on Jeremy &Ismhael myBuddyzGotSh0t isaw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well, &iwasProstituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused 4 money4us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live), after that incident of Anthony getting taken Kimberly tried to kill me in my sleep with Ambien.a meth needle and vodka.i woke up in an ER, and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried 2 st0p her, but I was 2latee ,been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets,&by sum1 Idon’t wanna talk about (now I'm coming clean, it was Kimberly) I was in Foster Care a couple times, the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drugaddicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one, Angela and Jimmy had a meth lab in there house and I slept in the middle of the attic, they locked me up in there) , first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents, and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide) I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital, lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, multiple treatment centers, crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times), 2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each) group homes (Rancho Domocitas), Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls) rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others), shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz), the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino), been in car accidents (over 10 times),I’ve been arrested and detained by a lot of cops in Corona (know mostly all of them, a lot of other people know me in Riverside), I have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade, I’ve attempted suicide over 50 timesXI’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods) Ihave bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode), pre diabetes (got rid of).depression (major depressive disorder).paranioa.anxiety.Buliemia.insomnia.Dissociative Identity Fued.skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ptsd,ocd,attachment disorder.Autism.borderlinepersonality.amnesia.multiple personality disorder,used to have anorexia, && im deaf in my right ear, near sighted, motion sickness, social anxiety,  gastridous, && lastly, chronic body pain .....i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much) been0nallmentalHealthmedication (I mean ALL, including narcotics and Benzos, and any pill u can use to get high) ppl TriedToSend Me2 MetropolitanStateHospital(highestLevelOfCare), IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions, ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship, and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on 4 occasions (personal reasons) I’ve never had a stable home since 2011,now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home,ihelp others cus im used to people not caring about me, I have trust issues,im always there2help to care to make sure thereok and I don’t stop.StayStronq.It's Izzy Here Again. I Have 22 different voices/demons/visions  in my head. Johnny Garcia, Lily, Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos , Charlotte McMann, Wesley Garcia, Constance McMann, Dancing Fire (demon like archangel misunderstood in the form of fire, might be another world trying 2 contact me), Chandy/Gladdis/Leon/Charlene/Raul/Ralphie/George/Michaela aka Michael(all characters from my movie etc.), Erin Ramos. DANCING Squares, Duplicates of People, Bad Mommy/Good Mommy, Bad Daddy/Good Daddy, Visions&Hallucinations of Past/Future, Cones, Red Dots, Flyerway, Veronica/Victoria Enxxellia, Objects Having Force On Me, Flying Objects, Demons Posessing Me. SatanslashGod (can't tell the difference), Richard Enxxellia, Three 7's, Seventy Three 6's, Puppoi (A Duplicate Of My Puppy Raskcal), Mr.OutOfDate, NXSP (0ne Of The Alter Worlds I Live In As Liz Ramos, as I raise hell with Johnny "JJ" Garcia (I try to kill him on multiple occasions but I pulled the Red Wire && he got worse), The Ends (The End Of NXSP it's worse than hell itself times infinity 100 percent), Jonathan Maqranga, TwentyStepsForward, Edgar "Eddie" Alejandria, Dancing Rooms, UglyBitterSky, TheFuckAllTheWayUpInTheSky, Chillwax Alejandria, People From My Past, A Vivid Movie Like Form Of My Whole Past From Beginning To End Flashing By In My Head (Random Times, Coordinated by Dancing Fire Themself), ClosedOptions, Paid2Kill Hernandez,   etc.. I Got Chocked, Raped, Tortured, Tied Up, Shot At, Tied To A Tree, Slept In Bathrooms && In Cars (Having Blake Follow Me Into Everywhere I Go && Went into the bathroom , shoving knives, pins, needles, food, guns, sticks, and other shit inside me and he would rape me and if i talked he would kill me. I met Blake at a gas station 3 times to give me my drugs and alcohol paid by for sex with him), I Had 3 Drug Dealers, Juan Torres, Blake Vandiego, Luis Alexander (last name unknown, all of these people didn't give me there real last names, they Identified as what they told me to call them) Blake did the worst torture (playing cakes with me, roleplaying, video taping the torture, I woke up in my bed and he woke me up with 12 meth needles, and we played Pin The Donkey. he would cut me, slice me, bang my body parts on brick walls, put 2 guns in my mouth, 1 gun in each ear, and beat me, burned me, shoved a lighter turned on in my pussy and my butt, he would light me up, and so much much much more torture, all for drugs and money when I became poor), Luis did the 2nd worse torture (he would put a gun to my head at every meal time , beat me, had rough uncosensual sex, played games with me chasing me naked in the hotel room but while playing my sex tapes on the TV, and he would make me sleep outside, all 4 drugs/money when I needed it), and Juan did no torture except  (rape me and made me do crimes like the other two did, but he was the sweetest) me and Juan dated for about 4 months, then he perposed, I SAID yes, 4 weeks later he asked me to marry him, and I said no, he said it was fine but 4 weeks later he killed himself with 5 whole bottles of Gabapentin. I Got tortured by more than all 3 of these people. I was a BAD bad bad kid at 12, I was criminally and critically insane, and I did insane things, my behaviors were extremely dangerous/violent/brutal/physcotic/homoscidally insane. 0n 0ne occasion I tried to kill my mom and brother (to take them to Heaven with me), my dad, People on the streets and many many others. I've almost been to Juvenial Hall/Jail on multiple occasions. In the dark Kimberly tried to kill me after she got high on Spice. she reenacted a scene from Criminal Minds that she saw. I was being chased with a knife around my motel room with Anthony watching (he's my son, not by blood but by heart cuz blood doesn't make family),  Lisa 0ne Of My Foster Parents would treat me well but on one occasion and one occasion only, she put a gun to my head and told me to shoot her first and than me . so we could escape from this world. I refused and she started drinking heavily , I was her only friend, she had a BAD past as well. her behaviors changed drastically and I would have 2 watch her hurt herself, drink, walk around naked singing Kill Me Kill Me Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and What Is Love, I watched her self harm and I tried 2 stop her, but whenever I tried to she would scream and give the gun to me again, she is currently (she's dead but awhile later) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, Autism, Skitzophrenia, and PTSD. She killed herself later on. When I was a patient in multiple of the placements/hospitals/lockdown treatment centers/rehabs/crisis centers/stabilization units etc etc. I would misbehave really badly, I would have protected sex, get in fights, extreme physcotic episodes, do drugs  when it was not permitted, I'm used to doing worse crimes on the streets anyways.I got bullied 4 the 1st time inside of CHYC, last but yes least, DAMGEROUSLY CRAZY ME wants to tell u one more thing, when I was homeless, A boy named Timothy Sagaste (not real last name) lead me on and we got engaged after 6 months of dating cuz we were so close, I trusted him, we had a connection, but after leading me on for so long I thought things were TOO perfect, and I was right, after I got engaged to him, we had a romantic dinner &; he told me that he was seeing someone else, that he pretendedthat he liked me, pretended our whole relationship everything about it, he told me he was breaking up with me and I Got heated and beat him up and tried to kill him but he finally grabbed the shotgun and knife out of my hands, Tied me to the bed and told me to "Go Kill Yourself Sara, You DON'T DESERVE LOVE, U DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, YOUR A MISTAKE , THAT'S WHY NO-ONE EVER LOVED YOU, YOUR AN UGLY SLUT TRASHY WHORE AND U NEED TO GO 2 HELL, UR A SHITTY MOM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE AT UR FUNERAL AND GUESS WHAT HOE, IM GONNA LAUGH" He went on and on , he us3d my life story and my past against me, after he was done , he took out his phone and video taped me afterward. and he shouted "How Do U Like Me Now" I Got up and grabbed my Medication bottles (Lithium, Adavan, Gabalentin, Abilify, Welbuitren, Zoloft, Vicodin, Seroquel, Norcos, Xanex, Rhresperdol, Atarax, Ambien, My Meth Needle, My Knifes, Guns, Cigarrette Lighters, and My Xprexa and ran into the bathroom, I took a whole bottle of each medication, I made slits in my arm, wrist, neck, I burned myself in the pussy and in my legs (just like how Blake did it) but I hurt myself 20 times worse than anybody ever had, I went physco and I shot myself up in both my arms with meth and heroin, I did the worst torture to myself worse than anybody ever had. I reenacted Blake, Luis ,and Juans torture , plus everyone who has ever tortured me, I did it worse. I put the gun to my head, I added more bullets and i pulled the trigger, I woke up in an ER, and they said I passed out before the bullet hit my head, so now I realize that I was lucky. God Bless everyone and everything, this is the FULL 20% of my 100% of my life story. Fuck Love, Trust N0B0DY && Stay Strong, btw it feels like somethings crawling all over me/or I'm crawling out of my skin , it happens a lot, take care I'm here. ~IzzyMagdalinozMartinez]🥀

-Who I Am Is Darkness- 8/5/14 MY.STORY. xc

hey, I know my dad may have died, after that, I went crazy, physco mental in the head I lost myself I built an emotional wall around myself, I lost my mind and went insane, did dangerous shit that I regr...et, I grew a dark side, I started having hallucinations, different personalities I got possessed, I have REALLY bad anger issues, 34 suicide attempts 50 mental hospital visits a level 14 residential treatment center in Utah and went to a group home called Rancho Domacitas. people were scared of me, I felt numb weak and empty rages and rages of explosive anger and violence, I abused myself to death, I grew worse and worse I ran away anxiety skitzophrenia depression anger violence drugs self harm suicide homoscide there's more things that no one knows about but I was a crazy bitch, I wanted to die, my hallucinations grew worse and worse I smoked my problems away "Johnny" my main hallucination abused me physically and mentally, tbh I don't know who I was I saw my deceased dad, I got the cops called on me, Johnny took full control and I went physco, I had mental episodes bad mental breakdowns ran away everyday got in reastraints started fighting, I wanted to die, I wrote a suicide letter, plenty of times I attempted but I busted my moms door down and started taking pills, I abused myself by cutting punching slamming any self harm possible my anger became to violent I mean I was a mental fucking mess, finally I lost myself so hard so bad I couldn't feel or breathe or think, I just went black, I had blackouts and then I realized I did some really dangerous stupid shit. my life was hard and I still wanted to die and take my family with me I had no touch with reality and my medication wasn't helping, I was done I thought my mom was verbally attacking me but she wasn't, I was pretty messed up, I had a dark side I had so much pain and hurt inside me I was broken and shattered I hated myself because I was a fucking mentally Ill fuck up, I had nightmares about abuse. I wanted my daddy back, I didn't believe he was dead, everyday I grew crazier to the point where I couldn't control it. and I was lost and very very sick you don't even know most of the shit I've done, I was so crazy so I got sent away for a year I got help even when I acted out, I went to a step down group home and all the hospitals. I finally could feel again, and now I'm getting better and back on track. and I find myself again thanks to all you amazing beautiful people I love to call family I don't and can't even put into words how much I love you, all of you, your my family and my mom she's amazing, you all can do this I'm here for you guys I care, you guys I just fucking love you, and thanks, stay strong. that's part of my life story sense I know you all I posted it on here. love you guys I am out of reality in a dark state not mentally there, I'm scared and in pain emotionally desturbed, it's killing me eating me alive and I can't take it the monster inside me fighting to get out. so what I might be autistic so what I have issues so what I'm retarded I still stayed strong through all my issues for 4 years if I get off my meds I get physco and crazy and "not there" I'm asbergers but I'm smart and I'm learning to stay strong and control myself, it's killing me it's tearing me apart the monster inside me, feel trapped in my body I need to get out, no people with suits my mom is not gonna die, I love my mom so much I'd die for you, for her birthday I'm writing and singing her a song I love you best mother in the world I'd die for you. sometimes it just stops, and then starts up again, his body cold on the couch, I need you I need you, but he's gone. I love my mom so much, she might need to go to the emergency room and I'll be with her right by her side the whole time, cuz I love her so much I'd do anything for her. anyways I love her I'd die for her, the most amazing person I know I'll be there for her all my life she was there for me through all my struggles, that's right no one fucks with my family. no one understands what would it be like if I was gone, I'm getting worse I need help fuck I feel numb and sick in the head, my brain is malfunctioning I don't know what's real anymore I'm done no one gets me like my mom, I'm scared full of pain I feel blank I'm going crazier I have nothing in me but a trapped girl wanting to get out of her cage, I hate this life I'm never happy, I fake I'm ok so my mom can be happy inside me is a monster inside me is someone else and depression and a no one I don't no what to say anymore what to do I cry myself to sleep all night I really do wanna die, but no inside me is full of mixed emotions a girl scared and full of rage and pain, I'm going numb insane it's killing me I am scared, I could cry for forever I love you mom, I'm so anxious I don't know what's going on, filling the empty hole inside me my moms gonna change, I fake it all it all if you new what goes on in my head u would be crying its scary it's bad I could beat myself till I bleed I hate this I'm not safe everyone is getting sick of me, I'm fucking mental and crazy, I'm the craziest girl you'll meet I was bad gone and really really sick in the head I did all the crazy things you can think, Ive done unsafe and crazy mental things I was a physcopathic, by now it's getting better slowly, my moms my life my reason to live I've had problems and struggles I want to be happy but I'm fighting the fight to get better, I'm here for all of you I might have a dark side I've been abused and I abuse myself but I'm staying strong I'm here for all of you, I love you as family and I love my mom to death and I love my mom I feel so numbed like no one knows how I feel and my problems got so bad my dark old self grew stronger than weaker, I wasn't in reality, and who I am? darkness... I've had out of body experiences out of it mentally, emotionally I was controlled by my dark side I went all out I might be crazy but I'm fighting, I'm gonna be happy i love you mom forever I've changed for the worst my mom is gonna change for the worse I just know it. darkness is taking control of me I can't control it. but I love you I love you I'm sorry I SORRY don't take me away, I've tried suicide nope not successful, I'm done but I want to make everybody proud, cuz I love you all with all my heart even tho I feel invisible like a nobody a fighter very violent I'm strong and you guys can stay strong to I'll help you every step of the way, don't you even try calling me weak I'm strong IM STRONG!!!! I don't get feelings, I'm feeling feelings I'm worried and paranoid , no one messes with my mom or I'll beat there bitch ass no one cares or understands me cuz I'm like a puzzle very complicated and crazy but I'm blessed with my family and I can stay strong through my troubles I'm sorry to everybody for being a failure a freak a mentally ill sick child I haven't pleased anyone what if I disappeared left fade away I hate this my crazy ass can end up in another institution, but I'm staying with my mom and I'm mentally 7 in the head my brain is messed up there's something wrong but what the fuck ever I LOVE MY MOM WITH MY LIFE ! I can stay strong. no more crazy me he he xP "Let's go crazy don't be fine go be sane and lose ur mind don't be fraid to lose your mind, nothing's the same, tears I shed but no words can describe the pain I feel, numb.. I LOVE YOU xx I'm losing my mind no sense scared trying to crawl out of my own skin, trapped, full of rage feeling numb, his body was moving he's not dead he's alive. why am I the only one going crazy why aren't I happy ? what if I was just an illusion I don't wanna go insane again or back to the hospital... this is how it is, welcome to the ends welcome to my life, I love you my family listen I've had a hard shitty life, lots of issues lots of treatment, I don't know what's real or what's fake I don't have touch with reality I wanna get help I wanna get better, I have faith in God he can help me turn around my life and my behaviors, I can do this, fuck you haters, I love myself again. NO MORE CRAZYNESS, I may be sick in the head I may be depressed and have problems, I care for you all and I'm learning to love my life. if I could get better in my head and my mental state even though I'm not in a good place or mentally in darkness you don't know what goes on in my head. I'm scared I don't know what's going on what's happening welcome to the ends, I'm sorry for becoming darkness, if you knew how crazy I was, you would know how far I've come through all my treatment my brain is messed up I might have a brain tumor a clot in my brain I'm not myself I'm dark I'm crazy I'm mental I have problems but I can make it through, I love you all who have always stuck by my side, I haven't been the hospital for a month I haven't done all that dangerous crazy shit in three months, I'm always sticking by your side I love you as family , I still have unresolved issues but I can do this I CAN BE STRONG ITZs NOT OVER YET! I may be out of it crazy on medication but guess what I CAN MAKE IT x.x Dont worry bout me i might not be stable but im staying strong...

●2% MoreOf My Life Story TRIGGER WARNING!!! So here is my story. I’ve been thru hell all my life and I have attachment issues cuz of my past torture hell and trauma . I usually have an estimate of 5,6,7 breakdowns a day. I’m used to everything that it’s sickening. I’ve always acted out dangerously and unsafely. Later on after my ex girlfriend Kimberly died I realized that she was the one that framed me for giving my illegally adopted son Anthony drugs and after the car accident , I saw Kim laughing and pointing at Me and later  on before she hung herself... she said Anthony was never mine he was hers , and I would never be a mother, and that’s why my mom always was a bitch to me. My mom NEVER would kick me out, or so I thought, after I came home from Foster Care she acted strange , not as bad as before. And she kicked me out then took me back in then kicked me out and so on and so forth. I was in LA getting fucked up and on one occasion 2 guys got me really drunk and I woke up In the bathroom and my pants were down and I was on my cycle and everyone saw, I went to the ER, and they said I got raped (again) in the period of my 12th time being homeless. I got raped over 20 times . I almost got killed multiple times, on one occasion I was walking and a van pulled up to the curb and they pointed a gun towards me and told me to get in, I did and they raped me in the back seat and they force fed me, gave me some meth and pointed the gun towards my head the whole way towards there house... they were master bating and would shove there dirty hands down my throat they forced me to have oral. When we got to there house they had a knife up to my throat and I screamed and then the rest was a blackout and I ended up on some strangers lawn . I go to Journey Tay in Spruce street in Corona, I constantly go to CSU and I have a physciatrist and a therapist, but I’m closed off and very touchy with everyone cus my social anxiety trust issues and past trauma. I know I’m broken damaged and helpless but I have a strong faith in God!!!! Anyways on 12/25/2018.. there was this boy approached me during Christmas Eve, and he acted completely fine and normal and caring and sweet and kind hearted and usually I can tell when somethings off. He led me into his trap, I gave him a kiss, and we laughed and. Hung out and we were texting over FaceBook messenger, he constantly asked where I lived and I started to connect with him. On Christmas Day after we opened Christmas gifts we went to Starbucks and he texted me and told me he was at Starbucks, I noticed him getting weird, he didn’t look good at all.. he kept telling me about getting liquor , I mentioned it first , but I changed my mind and he wouldn’t stop . We went to a Walmart where there was nobody there cus Of Christmas. We hung out . We were heading out and he spotted a soda machine, he asked me for a dollar and he put it in the soda machine and I asked where’s mine, he said he had a dollar and I was putting mine back in my purse, I was recording with my iPod touch , and in a split of a second he grabbed my I touch and my wallet with over 400 dollars in it. pushed me and ran, it scared me cus it was out of nowhere. And I gave him my all. And I was hurt. And I still can’t believe it’s true , that all of that was an act, I thought it was for my movie cus we were making a movie , I got up and nobody cared, some people laughed, and I called the cops, not even the security or the costumers care, nobody cares. The cops showed up and she asked me questions, and I’m going to court and there doing an investigation . After that my PTSD got 20 times worse and I started acting out having more episodes and I felt alone. I had another physcotic break . I’ve been to court many times for many reasons : I spend most my holidays away, I spent mine at CSU, and I got worse, I started smoking hookah and I started cutting and popping my meds again, trying to overdose once again . And my behaviors and mental state of mind and insanity and physcotic episodes got worse. They still are. And I know I have support. I’m here for you all , stay strong. May God Be With You!!!!!

●Angelique/Ezxekyal "Izzy" Magdalinoz-Martinez /Sara Nicole Pierce /Br0k3n R0z3z /Tyler Fiaskko-Alvaro

●MY INFO: ||WATTPAD (WHERE I'M WORKING ON WRITING MY LIFE STORY) Ms_SweetInsanityyx ||MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: TwistedMetal411 ||MY INSTAGRAM: Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez😔😔