stonerexic-chronicles

[stonerexic-chronicles]

thankyou and goodbye...

i’ve been thinking long and hard about this blog in my absence and i think it’s time i say goodbye. my life is changing, shifting, growing, i’m learning who i am without my disorder for the first time in 10+ years and i think leaving this part behind is a crucial step. i am so incredibly thankful for each and every one of you who have supported me and cheered me on along the way; the support means more than i can put into words ❣️ i’ve been doing a lot of writing as of late so i thought i’d leave my latest musing here as my last post. thankyou all you, truly.

“things have changed. things are looking up. i feel so very different to i ever have before, there’s hope. the summer sun and it’s warm rays and long nights have made a reappearance. and this summer, this summer is different. last summer i was at my lowest weight at the precipice of one of my hardest admissions, lost in the dark fog of my brain. my days consisted of nothing more than my disorder, i was working myself down the bone, quite literally. feinting on the daily, skeletal, my heart just about failing and yet i insisted i was fine. it was like my parasitic disorder had fully taken over my body, i was nothing but a host.

it’s been the hardest year of my life since then. a year filled with the thing i fear the most, change. ive pulled the rug out from under myself more times than i can count this past year. 2 new farm admissions, the whole greta debacle, moving into the city, my first wesley admission and short stint at robina. only followed by two more incredibly painful medical admissions to the wesley. the horrible, dark couple of months spent back in everton hills, at easily my most suicidal. not to mention going back to uni and dropping out all in the space of 5 weeks, a breakup, a sexual assault and crippling, chronic loneliness. this year tested me, humbled me, completely pushed me to my breaking point, knocked me back down to rock bottom time and time again. but if i’ve learnt anything from this past year, it’s that rock bottom serves as the solid foundations to which i rebuild my life upon.

so here i find myself, nearly half way through day program and for the first time, i truly do not want to be ill, to return to my old way of life. there’s been glimpses of this previously but only ever fleetingly, it never lasted. but now, now i have things to loose if i follow the hare down the twisting, dark burrow that is anorexia. my life has been so, so small these past few years, my days consisted of outpatient treatment, group therapy, treatment friends, there was no element of my life left untouched by anorexia. but now my life is getting bigger again, it’s filling up once more. people are getting to know me without the dark clouds of anorexia hanging over me constantly. and each day i get to meet that person more and more, i get to find out more about them, i get to create myself and i think that’s fucking beautiful.

[if you feel so inclined my ig is @h.yarnold]

[stonerexic-chronicles]

[stonerexic-chronicles]

[stonerexic-chronicles]

sometimes it’s “no one loves me” other times it’s “I am not brave enough to look those who love me in the eye”

[stonerexic-chronicles]

idk what it is about sitting in chairs and having both feet on the floor but it’s so uncomfortable and awful and i’ll never willingly do it if there’s literally any other option

[stonerexic-chronicles]

Meirl

[stonerexic-chronicles]

14•10•20

so this monday was my first day at iop and i survived two emotionally exhausting and utterly challenging days and now am trying to enjoy my day off. the huge increase in meal plan is really, really testing me, i had to have step 2 at lunch yesterday (a revolting resource 2.0 🤮). but the other girls in the group are absolutely lovely and so supportive, accepting, and ready to be vulnerable around each other in groups which i literally couldn’t be happier about because i was SO fucking anxious about it leading up. we have our first meal challenge tomorrow; lunch at an unknown cafe 😅 and then i have my 1-1 with the dietitian there and i know she probably won’t be too happy with my intake outside of program but i am trying, it’s just so fucking hard especially after seeing my weight at weigh-in yesterday 😓 off to the gp this arvo which honestly cbf but i have to get medically cleared each week for iop. cptsd is kicking my ass atm and i’m just so exhausted from being in the constant fight or flight hypervigilant starve urge

[stonerexic-chronicles]

You are doing enough. You aren't lazy, your body just needs some breaks and that's okay! Rest is equally as important as working. You are doing enough and you are enough.

[stonerexic-chronicles]

ed recovery cliche: *parents do not blame yourselves!*

ed reality: most certainly the fuck it is their fault

[stonerexic-chronicles]

Hugs are actually so underrated especially those hugs that are so tight u can literally feel the other person’s heartbeat n for a moment everything feels so calm and safe like nothing can hurt you

[stonerexic-chronicles]

imagine how powerful i would be if i felt completely comfortable with my body and mind and actually had a sense of self esteem

[stonerexic-chronicles]

28•9•20

~long overdue update~

i spent the weekend down the coast with my dad, step mom and their kids and it’s was some real nice family time but food and being at the beach were hard to say the least. last time i went to the beach and wore swimmers was my trip to indonesia last year and i was significantly smaller and i just hate thinking about how much my bodies changed and how much i can’t cope with it

finally head back from day program and i have a spot! starting in two weeks today ahh, i’m grateful to have the opportunity as its public and hard to get into because of limited spaces, but i’m also fucking terrified. it’s 4 days a week, all day, for 8 weeks, a bunch of different group therapies, supervised meals and meal challenge outings 😅 my intake the past has decreased again this week and the program meal plan is fucking massive so it’s going to be such a big increase and i know it’s going to make me feel like utter shit🙃 i also finally got to see my psychiatrist from inpatient in his suites last week and got out on a new antidepressant and i’m just praying it helps

[stonerexic-chronicles]

1. What is your favourite colour and why? 2. What is your most favourite memory? 3. What advice would you give to your younger self? P.s - I think you’re amazing and have a lot of respect for you, your fight and your bravery!! 💖

ahhh thankyou so much!!!

1. blue because the ocean is my happy place

2. definitely all of my solo travelling adventures, i miss feeling like the smallest fish in the biggest, far away pond

3. he doesn’t love you. people that act that way towards you cannot love you, don’t fall for his tricks

[stonerexic-chronicles]

1) what's one ability you wish you had? 2) what's one ability you have you're grateful for? 3) werewolf or pirate aesthetic >:D

1) the ability to get to start fresh

2) i actually don’t know 🙃

3) pirates probably

[stonerexic-chronicles]

1. If you were having a lucid dream, what would you choose to do in your dream? 2. If you could create one classic piece of art what would it be (book, poem, painting, album...)? 3. If you could travel back in time to any part of history when would you go?

1. damn that’s trippy to think about, honestly i think i’d like it to be of my best friend jess who passed away at the beginning of the year. just us, screaming songs in the car at night. to get to hug my best friend again and get to tell her loved she is. that took a bit of sad turn sorry

2. i would love to create an album but i cannot sing for the absolute life of me

3. time before people and see what the world really looked like before humans trashed it

[stonerexic-chronicles]

🌿 what accent do you have? 🌿 what’s your biggest vice? 🌿 if you could be any animal, what would you be?

it’s pretty aussie now but some words are still super english haha

weed 110%

maybe a koala? sleep a bunch and sometimes look cute but mostly full of rage hahah

[stonerexic-chronicles]

anonymously message me (3) things you want to know about me.