#i cant completely remember how i felt about kevin. part of me thinks i felt that he was treated way too harshly by the others considering

[rainingincale]

.

[kathillards]

rangerstop day two

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE MEGAFORCE RANGERS SHOUTED US OUT AT THEIR PANEL AZIM TOLD EVERYONE ABOUT A GROUP OF FRIENDS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WHO MET BECAUSE OF POWER RANGERS AND POINTED AT US AND THE MEGAFORCE RANGERS ALL CHEERED AND TOLD US TO STAND UP OH MY GOD

uhhh sorry how do i move on from that how do i even think about anything else. the panel room was CROWDED people were FILMING kat and tabby had gone up to ask questions (which were HUGE hits) and come back and sat down AND THEN AZIM SAID THAT in the middle of a question about. i dont even fucking remember. something about what great community values power rangers has or something? and i guess we were related to power rangers being a community or whatever but bitch. BITCH. he said it and like pointed at us and they all started clapping (this sounds fake as hell i know BUT THERES VIDEO PROOF SOMEWHERE???) and everyone turned to look at us and we were like hi and then like two minutes later azim went “oh wait i have to make a correction, its not a group of girls its three girls and one guy because i think abigail isnt here? right?” and we were like ya so uh moral of the story... azim rizk i would murder ten hundred men for you

ok other things happened too, this will probably not be in chronological order bc i cant think right now 

- mike ginn stopped when he saw me and looked for tabby who was hiding behind me when she saw him and he looked around for tabby and did his pointing thing again and it was so cuuute

- kat was talking to christina about how we avoided the cast all day yesterday and she was like “yes but i saw you anyway ;) and i was wondering when you’d come over to say hi!” shes so CUTE and then they talked about her rescue puppy and she was so happy to talk about her puppy

- ciara and christina made ben sign the art presents he gave them, ciara did it first and christina was like OMG WHY DIDNT YOU AUTOGRAPH MINE and made him sign hers too

- christina and i did a WHOLE photoshoot we did a normal pic then a silly pic but then she didnt like so we did a kissy face pic and she was like “oh i think i did a duck face” and im like thats ok so did i AND OUR PICS ARE SO CUTE AND SHE HUGGED ME SO TIGHT I. WOULD. DIE. FOR. YOU. CHRISTINA. MASTERSON.

- selwyn called tabby his girlfriend when i showed up without her he was like “wheres my girlfriend” bc he remembered us from last night and then she came over and he was like THERE YOU ARE and gave her a free selfie (and signed her space dvd with “tj is the real leader of in space” but refused to X out andros’ face bc that was mean) and he covered up najee’s face on her kevin t-shirt and then was upset bc it looked like he was touching her chest and tracy lynn laughed at him over it AND THEN HE TOLD US TO COME TO THE TGIF IN THE HOTEL AFTERWARDS BC THE RANGERS WERE GONNA GO THERE AND GET DRUNK AND HE INVITED US TO HAVE DRINKS W/ HIM but we stood him up because... we are tired... he was like “yeah we have this stupid vip dinner but like we’re gonna try to leave early and just go get fucking smashed” and we were like ur so valid selwyn. i love you.

- kat showed azim my tweets defending megaforce and he had to put the phone down to run his hands through his hair and be like “wow that was such a specific takedown” and kat was like “yeah she just says this shit all the time bc shes seen megaforce five hundred times” and he was like “she was so detailed though she didnt just say ‘you suck’ she put THOUGHT into her takedowns” 

- (later when he signed my super megaforce green print he called me “my sista in social media smackdown!!!” complete with that many exclamation points)

- brennan said “i like your hat” to ben five times and he also signed tabby’s as well with his three catchphrases (she asked for him to write “awesome!” and he was like “i had more lines than that....”) he also told us he and the dino charge team were invited back for a dc/nsteel teamup but they kept cancelling them bc of budget reasons till it was just him and yoshi and he was finally like “i told them to just bring yoshi back because like thats his brother” and i was like “but then they didnt even INTERACT” and he was like “i KNOW”

- tabby’s tracy story: she asked tracy if it was uncomfortable fighting in crop tops and short skirts and tracy said “it wasnt uncomfortable but it was hard to not show everything” and she was like “idk why a power ranger would dress like that” and tabby told her ashley should have her own fashion line of athletic wear for fighter girls and tracy was like YES and tabby said she should have been leader of turbo bc she was into cars and tracy said that when they told her that ashley was gonna have a car plot she was like “ew no i dont want to touch greasy car oils” but that she was happy that ashley got to challenge herself

- kat was standing around azim the entire morning and he was introducing her to everyone who came up to him like she was his handler and at one point accidentally implied that she was his girlfriend and kat was like no im not and he was like “oh whoops it did kinda sound like that...” and his actual handler was like “why did u correct him” and kat was like “NO I LOVE HIS GIRLFRIEND” 

- when i was taking my pics w/ the megaforce cast and andrew was the sweetest angel and he kept making poses over my shoulder while i giggled and then he asked me for a hug and KISSED MY CHEEK and hugged me so tight and was like “love you guys” I WOULD DIE FOR YOU ANDREW GRAY

- john mark is literally the funniest person alive and he was constantly going around the megaforce booth when we were there like (to ben when he was giving art to ciara and christina) “WHERES MINE” and to me when i was having them sign my megaforce prints “WHERES MINE” hes so funny and i love himmm

- ciara was signing my prints but she got distracted when we asked about her dogs and she stopped and opened her phone and started showing us pics and videos and she was soo happy to talk about her dogs too and then we took our pic and checked it to make sure it looked good and tabby was like “you look gorgeous” and she was like “we BOTH look gorgeous” i cannot believe. AND THEN she threw in a group photo for FREE and we all got in there

- kat was telling us and azim about some douchebag vendor who was like hitting on her and inviting her to an afterparty and was like “are you over 21″ when she was just trying to look at his spd toys and azim was literally “which guy. where. where is he.” HE WAS GONNA KILL THAT GUY FOR KAT HE LOVES HER

- we somehow got on the subject of azim SHAVING HIS BEAUTIFUL BEARD and he was like “oh well we went to the make a wish foundation to meet kids and the beard scares them so i had to shave” and i was like “thats racist” and he was like nooo but u could tell his mind was blown and i was like “cameron didnt shave” and he was like “well cameron is white” and i was like SO YOU ADMIT ITS RACIST and he laughed also im correct

- related but michael copon came over to jessica rey’s table while we were there and she was like “hi michael these are my FRIENDS” and they were talking about how they’re cousins and they’re both half filipino and tabby was like “why didnt they give you any scenes together in the teamup!” and jessica was like “because i was with erin!” and michael was like “because they couldnt have two filipinos together in one scene” power rangers got WOKE man

- kat to andrew: i have a huge troy plushie!

andrew: oh my dogs would rip that up immediately

kat:

andrew: do your dogs not rip things up

kat: i dont... i wouldnt let them...touch my troy plushies...

(we love you andrew. he doesnt even know hes at a con. hes just here to chill.)

- someone at the panel asked a stupid question about “if you could cameo in any other season which season would you pick” like they dont get asked this all the fucking time and the rangers were like hmm like beast morphers or dino charge and then andrew, my husband my light my life, was like “fuck power rangers, i wanna go to the dc universe” (he didnt cuss obviously) but like... king. legend supporting legends. AND THEN CHRISTINA WAS LIKE “oh mood i wanna be in the pokemon universe” and john mark was like “as what” and she was like “i dont know i didnt watch it” QUEEN OF POKEMON she kins jigglypuff

- tabby was at ann marie crouch’s booth and telling her how she loved that princess shayla was the wild force team’s mom and she was like aww yeah i felt such a maternal instinct even though that was before i had my actual child!! shes so cute!! shes so pretty!!

- jessica rey is literally SO WONDERFUL AND FUN TO TALK TO we went to hang out bc tabby wanted her wild force dvd signed and she was just telling us her stories of hanging out w/ the other boys and how she went to drink w/ azim just to keep him company (bc peter and yoshi were there and they were like “we dont drink” nerds) so cuuute and then she had that pic of her and peter and yoshi and they’re making stupid faces and she’s smiling like an angel and she’s like THEY DIDNT TELL ME IT WASNT A SERIOUS PHOTO and i asked her jokingly how much for it and she was like take it its $30 and i was like pls charge me more have my money take my soul

- tabby and kat were at the megaforce booths and jessica rey came over and was like “excuse me what are you guys doing with MY GIRLS” and john mark was like “uh they’re OUR GIRLS” and then cameron pulled jessica over and was like “actually this is MY babe” and then she tried to leave bc she was in the way of ppl in line and azim stopped her and was like “no no stay you’re part of our FAMILY”and uh basically the power rangers family is the cutest family in the whole world thank you good night

- taylor swift wrote gorgeous about andrew gray

[ticketybooworld-blog]

VOICES INC ONLINE! Recovery from Mental Illness is ‘ always ‘ possible!

Blog created by Barrie Macvicar - Positive about Pain & Mental Health Support Group. (facebook) 

The Hopesturn Project

So who is Peter Hawes? Well to me Peter Hawes is a man who came into my life at just the right time. That time was when i was still a service user in February 2012. I met Peter on joining an online support group called

Intervoice - The International hearing Voices Movement.

The reason i had joined this group speaks for itself. Yup ! It’s in the name? Yeah ! That’s right. I was ‘ hearing voices.’ I was hearing lots of voices. Peter was one of the first to answer my call for help when i was in distress then with my experiences.  He and a selection of others were instrumental in helping to teach me how to go about managing to facilitate my very own recovery. These guys just threw me some tools and helped to keep pointing me in the right direction. I then i had to get on with the hard work myself. What work? Rebuilding my entire life and mind. I had a lot to do. I guess i kinda became the apprentice of my own existence. I had to start all over again and these guys showed me how,

Peter Hawes, Kevin Healey,(Recovery Network Toronto)  Egan Bidois, Mike llm Kruger, Rachel Waddingham, Richard Walkinshaw, Shirley Coffey, Lani Maria E, Paul Baker , Margaret Wylie,  Marry Maddock, Earla Dunbar Suzanne Beachy and loads more all came together to offer advice friendship and support. Support that helped me Barrie Macvicar find the strength to both change and rebuild my life.

On meeting Peter i was heavily medicated. On multiple medications & diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was in mental health services & was treated in both the hospital setting, as well as in the community. For the last two years of my time in services i was also fortunate enough to have 3 days per week home support.from a charity known as Penumbra.

Thanks to Peter and all the others i am sat here today no longer in mental health services nor hearing voices and no longer in need of support. I was discharged in August of 2013.  I now live medication free. I no longer have any active Schizophrenia and i have the doctors letter to prove it. I am just getting on with enjoying living my life as best as i can. Independently. Still using the tools and the knowledge given to me by my crew above to keep myself well. At the same time as having the comfort of knowing they are all still here online at the touch of a button.

Yeah ! There is a lot to be said for online support and the friendships and knowledge that can be gained right here on

SOCIAL MEDIA !

So get yourself started and take a look at Peter’s websites below. Where you can see his work at

VOICES INC ONLINE

you can also watch a film of Peter here doing some of his Glass work and at the bottom of this page you can a look at Peters latest genius creation.

RECOVERY BOX ! 

Peter is my brother from another mother he’s both a friend and an inspiration and i’m sure once you will see why on reading the remainder of this blog. 

Thanks everyone 

Barrie Macvicar. 

So

What is Hopesturn?

An article by Peter Hawes

Based on a project designed by everyone

So I feel to explain hopes-turn I should give a back history of the realisations that led to hopes-turn. I spent 15 years in the psych system believing one universal truth that was pushed down our throats for years. It was quite simply “you have a mental illness and medication helps so take your meds” This turned out to be untrue for me and multiple others, although I will admit that there is some the bio medical model works well for. I dont meet them often but I have seen the rare few. I then exited that system and became a victim of trauma and then later joined the hearing voices network. The hvn was somewhat productive but when I tried to push other ideas and views I was asked to conform. I couldn’t do it as it involved lying to the people on things I believed to be true. So as it turns out I did basically 15 years in a one size fits all system and then another 3 in a one size fits all system. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started my own organisation voices inc. Which was based on art therapy involving fused glass and my own psychoanalytical/ holistic theories on recovery. Voices inc while being a good project and helping a lot of people didn’t work for everyone. We had a 70% variable success rate of recovery for our attendees. Perhaps that’s cause it was a one size fits all system...... WTF are we all doing us holistic heroes in mental health like seriously there is no one size fits all system. I myself was very opinionated and just didn’t get the whole everyone’s different individuality thing so my thinking at the time was very black and white and I had the belief that this works for everyone cause it works for me and others. I will admit it was a bullshit attitude to have. But I never said I was ever perfect nor that my journey was complete I always said when up on stage that we are all still learning and growing together. Myself included. So I took some time off to learn what I needed to learn and evolve into who I wanted to be. I've spent the better part of the last year learning to listen to people and understand individuality and learning to be a team player and delegate as I felt these were all skills I needed to learn and doing so would make me a better leader and friend and just person in general. Somewhere between listening to people and understanding people me and my awesome bunch of past and present voices inc members came up with an idea. I remember the day well we were all sitting round at my right hand man Michaels place bitching about the system and lack of supports, when Robbie one of my proteges made the comment its a shame we cant get voices inc centres set up everywhere then we could reach everyone. I thought about this and theres no way we could reach everyone thats impossible. So my response was yeah voices inc is awesome robbie but I wish there were more holistic methods coming through so we could cater to the choice and individuality of the consumer. I believe it was tori who made the comment hey if we took out all the holistic therapy and art therapy out of voices inc could the same methods be used to set something else up? I went holy crap that girl has a point. Thus we all became very excited about the possibility of the new project we had devised over a bitching session at the current mental health system. Thus Hopesturn project was born. It is among my favourite projects for the simple truth that it was created not just by me but by multiple members and so has many shades and different perspectives. So now you have the story of how it was born it still doesnt answer wtf is hopes-turn? Hopes turn is a peer run initiative, hopes turn is you, hopes turn is me and hopes turn is anyone who wants to make a difference. Basically its a collective of knowledge and ideas and resources to establish different peer support groups. Hopesturn is brilliantly an anagram for “Helping Other Peers Establish Support Through Unification Recovery Network” There will be many exciting advances and opportunities in hopesturn such as--------- hopesturn radio- where peers can run there own time slot on a radio show about whatever subject they want. The benefits of this are that not only does it keep the peers running the shows motivated to talk or educate on topics they already know about, but it also provides an entirely peer run radio station for people to listen to on a variety of topics. Hopesturn peer support app – The hopes turn app is being designed at the moment and will be a bunch of chat rooms with possible gearing towards a social network theme. So that it is connecting peers with similar lived experience to each other to chat and make connections whatever there framework be it mental illness or trauma based or behaviour based or the aliens implanted a chip in my brain and that’s where my distress comes from :-P either way there’s sure to be a chat room or option to network with peers with similar views. There are also currently being set up a bunch of resources usable by hopes turn members to create and developed there own peer support groups from online conference rooms to learning resources around topics based on networking or finding a venue or even raising funds to keep your group running. The goal of hopesturn is to establish the training and resources to develop more peer run options so if anyone has an idea for a peer support group they can get this up and running. For example lets say there’s a guy called bob. We will for the sake of the argument say bob has bipolar the mental illness and identifies as such because that’s his framework for his experiences and symptoms. (I personally think bipolar actually is biological and has to do with a sensitivity to hormones and instability in environment in child hood where the child has many ups and downs) It does not matter what I think though, cause this is about bob and how bob sees things. Bob has found that dancing helps him with his highs and lows and helps him keep balance in his life. Bob then wonders if this would help other people given how beneficial dancing is for him. Lets also say for the sake of the argument bob is on lithium remembering that bob is in the mental illness framework but bobs not anti psychiatry nor pro psychiatry he just finds lithium helps him (I'm still anti psychiatry and anti meds but pro free choice and I can be anti psychiatry and anti meds cause it works well for me but each to there own) So bob decides to try set up a group called Bipolar Bobs Dancing group. Lets say he decides to run it on a Monday night for 3 hours between 5pm and 8pm. But bob while having a good idea has absolutely no idea on how to get his idea from a hypothetical to a reality as hes never done anything like this before. So bob jumps on hopesturn and finds an article on sourcing products to sell at markets. Bob is also recommended by another member dan who runs a group for depression about crowd funding and finds an article on how to set that up plus get some kick ass exposure for his crowd funding campaign. Bob also finds on hopesturn 3 other members in his local area with bipolar who are interested in helping set up his group. Bob also finds on hopesturn network a mental health worker who works in his local area and will organise a venue. Bob also finds a link to a guy who will design a flier for his group. Bob sets up the crowd funding campaign and maxes out exposure and while the crowd funding campaign is doing its thing raising cash bob gets the flier he had designed canvassed around town and local organisations. Bob uses some of the crowd funding money to run the group for the first month and invests the rest into sellable market products which arrive a week after the group starts and gets an awesome turn out. Member’s who attend bobs group are more then happy to help raise funds by doing markets sell the stock bob has ordered in. Before you know it bobs group has become a social enterprise and begins to grow. Bob then gets some of his best dancers and starts a flash mob in the city to raise awareness for bipolar and gets an article in the paper and segment on the news with contacts he found on hopeturn for media publicity. So you see how this sort of thing can just keep growing when a collective of knowledge and resources and people work together. I've done a lot in mental health and my reputation and accomplishments are re-known and I get a lot of people asking me how I accomplished all that I have in the last six years from the whole public speaking, websites, book and articles and being on tv to setting up 2 mental health organisations. The truth is there’s nothing special about me.. sure I have a high iq and adhd and a bunch of cool people behind me but at the end of the day I'm just like you the only difference is I worked out six or seven years ago that there is nothing we cant do as humans, we are basically geared to evolve and grow on a daily basis so the words can't or impossible are to me just bullshit words for things we haven’t figured out how to do yet. So I never stop I just keep looking for solutions I'm hoping that this project designed by the collective of peers will reach so many and help them figure out how to do things and over time see the possibilities are limitless. I am also hoping that it will provide more peer support options to cater to peoples individuality so that many systems can be developed cause not everything works for everyone and its important to have multiple options and support resources for consumers to access to fullly aid them in there recovery, whatever that looks like to each and everyone. Remember we own our own recovery and its different for all of us. So stay tuned guys cause this is all going off like a match at a gas station in the not too distant future . Me and the team are just finalising some of the projects and then BOOM. I will add some fliers of some of the projects that hopes turn has initiated so far and I have included voices inc because the methods removing the art therapy and holistic therapy are what we used to get the other groups up and running

. 

Above (right) you can see some examples of Peter Hawes glass work. Peter is also well known as Peter Hawes Glass Artist and here below he shows how some of that work is done. 

RECOVERY BOX  ! The Recovery Box idea was formulated on 27 February 2018 when Peter Hawes and Douglas Holmes met in Point Cook, Victoria to put their ideas down on paper and to start clarifying what was needed to turn the Recovery Box from an idea into a project that would change how information would be made available to Consumer, Carers, Mental Health Professionals and the general public. The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

The original idea was to develop an App that could be incorporated into the product Peter had developed and was already selling successfully online.

However as the brainstorming continued using GLOSS – OFF, both Peter and Douglas made the decision to rebrand a box with its own firmware and content.

This link will explains GLOSS – OFF https://youtu.be/BDJyhqbsZv0

Peter organised a meeting with Kevin and we agreed to work together to see how we could turn this idea into a product that would revelocision how new people coming into the current Mental Health system would access information that could improves people lifes journey

A small working group of interested people would be asked to participate in a working group to assist with identifying what information would be included under each of the heading in the App:

The Headings for each of the Channels include:

Stories Coping Strategies Recovery Resources Medical solutions Events To view RECOVERY BOX - CLICK HERE

[drlindamurraytenacity-blog]

WHAT FOLLOWS IS A BOOK - COMPLETELY UNEDITED-- TO READ THE EARLIEST ENTRIES GO TO THE OLDEST BLOGS © Dr Linda Murray Dishes, Bottles, and Diapers-----I have many memories of the kitchen in our house in Scotland. This is probably because I spent a lot of time in this room. By the time I was five I could get my baby brother his bottle and heat it up, I could wash out dishes and dirty bottles in the sink. I had to stand on a chair to do it but I managed. I had also learned how to change a wet diaper. I needed to help my mother she was ill and cried a lot. Kevin was also my responsibility and my ‘birthday present’. Everyone was so proud of me because I was such a big help. But I realize now that this was not a good thing for me. Who was mothering me? Tools—I have a memory of an elderly man who lived in the flat next door I was attached to. It seems like the was time I spent with him and this time must have something to do with carpentry. He stopped us when we were leaving the house for out last time. It would not have been remembered if it had not been related to something he gave to me and me only. It was a hole rasp and a plane both very old. He said he wanted me to remember that I was special. He told me that these were very old and he wanted me to have them since he said that I was going to be a builder. I was not sure what he was saying about me bur I know now. He said to take good care of them since they were special as I was special. I remember meeting him between the side by side duplexes just as we were leaving out flat forever. I was sad so sad to leave and he wanted me to take something that belonged to him when I was leaving and he tried to make me feel better. I don’t know how the plane was transported to Canada but I found them both in my fathers work shop on 610 Silverstone street. I have them both still and through many purges. I have no memory of our time together on wood crafts I was but the plane reminds me I had been fascinated by this old tool when he used it and he explained how to use it. I felt I was loved by this little old man and I had the same feelings even when I did not know how to label them. I think my father thought this was an inappropriate gift for me to have and took them for me and put them in one of our boxes. I was so sad to leave this old man so sad. Yes, I still have both of the tools in my workshop and the plain still workes. The Bannister------I remember that in the building at 10 Shilling Hill there was a large bannister on the staircase. It was huge and had a great big curve at the end of it. I remember all of us kids sliding down this bannister. My gran did not want us doing this. Why I don't know. I guess she was scared that one of us would get hurt. I remember that whenever my gran was not around that my aunt and my grandfather would let us slide down all of the way and they would catch us at the bottom so that we would not get hurt on our landings. Its funny all of the stupid little things you remember from your childhood. I had little continuity in my early life so all of my memories are just like little single slides in a movie. The snap shots are bright and clear but the beginnings and ends of the experiences are completely absent. Kim and the Brewery-----When I was in grade three I had a friend named Kim. She and I would walk home from school each day. Kim’s father was an important man in a brewery close to my grandmother’s shop. We would walk through the brewery after school each day. What an amazing place this was. I was fascinated with the process. Everyone knew Kim's dad so all of the workers talked to us and answered our questions. The smells were inviting had also been told to keep out of the place so going was what my father called 'direct disobedience' (more on this later) so this was risk taking behaviour. I still remember these walks whenever I smell beer or hops. The Caravan------After our mother had died I remember being taken on a road trip by my father. We were all singing in the car together. We sang 'Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley'. We were meeting some of my dad’s friends and were staying overnight in a small caravan. A caravan is like a small trailer for camping. I cant remember how long we stayed but I have some fantastic memories of the trip and of my dad's friends. We stayed up late and played cards and when he put us to bed he had made us small sleeping bags out of wool blankets. He had sewn them himself by hand so that we would be warm. There was something magical about this trip for me I am not sure what it was but I still love to camp today and I am very good with starting campfires. It was like I was a natural pyromaniac. Mince, Potatoes, and Peas-----The semi-private primary school we attended provided milk for students in the morning and in the afternoon and it also provided a hot lunch. I liked getting lunch at school especially when they were serving mince, potatoes, and peas. Mince is a ground beef dinner where the hamburger is fried and a brown gravy sauce is made using flower, the drippings of the meat and some Bistro gravy mix. I had told one of the cooks that this was my favourite lunch and that they made mince really well. I would go up to get my lunch and the cook always gave me extra mince and peas because I liked it so much. She would smile and give me a quick wink. This is a really warm and fuzzy memory. This dish is still one of my favourite meals, especially on a cold day. Wetting Myself---I was lucky the first two years of school to have such a loving teacher. I was not so lucky when I began my third year. I don't remember the name of this teacher but she was miserable. She took all of the joy out of learning anything. She would make us come up to the front of class for oral reading. We would march up two at a time and have us read out loud. On one of these days I was to read with another boy in the class. So there we stood by her desk and read. Suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom. I tried to tell her and she kept reprimanding me for interrupting the boy who was reading. Then it was my turn. And I could not concentrate. I needed to go to the bathroom so badly. I kept asking to leave but she was adamant that I was not getting to go to the bathroom until we were finished reading. Well that just wasn't soon enough for me. I wet myself standing on the spot. The urine went all over the floor and soaked everything I was wearing. Finally she let me go to the bathroom. She called the principal to take care of my wet clothes. This was brutal. I had to walk home with wet underwear, wet socks and wet shoes. Luckily I had worn my kilt that day and because it was so heavy it pulled down so  my kilt stayed dry. My father was furious and the principal wasn’t so impressed either. I don't remember much of the rest of the time I spent in this bitches class. Underwear ---Third grade at this school in Scotland was brutal after the first two years with Miss. Grace. And our lives were significantly disorganized as my father tried to cope as a single father even with my grandmothers ‘help’. Getting things together in the mornings was tough and lots of things were forgotten. The school I attended had us in uniforms. White shirt, maroon Blazer, grey pants and grey skirts or kilts. We had grey socks and black underwear. We also wore grey and maroon ties. It was standard stuff for British school children. You could tell which school every child belonged to by their uniforms so you could get into major trouble if you misbehaved going to or coming from school. We all had regulation gym shorts also. The rule was that you had to wear a white t-shirt and black shorts. Sometimes kids forgot their gym clothing and they would be made to sit out of gym class while all the other kids played. One day I forgot to bring my gym clothing and the gym teacher who was getting angry with kids forgetting their gym clothing, went nuts. She made those of us without the proper uniform attire to strip to our underwear and take part like that. I was sick to my stomach that I had to strip to my underwear. This was almost about the same time that I had wet myself in front of the whole class. Knitting------In grade three we also all learned to knit in our classes. We would have a craft teacher come into the class with all of the supplies and she would instruct step by step. I loved these times, because I was already able to knit. I remember either my mother, aunt and/or gran teaching me at home. The teacher showered me with praise for doing such a good job. Most of the students were not interested. The policy in class was that both boys and girls should learn to knit, but many were not happy with the situation. I loved this time with the crafts teacher. And my love of crafts to this day has helped me immensely. I have weathered many depressions with getting myself doing some craft. “Bring the past only if you are going to build from it” . . . Dominico Estrada . . .sp J.F.K.----In 1963, when I was eight years old, my father decided to leave Scotland for Canada. In preparation he needed to find us a nanny to come to Canada with us. To find a nanny he decided to advertize for one in the local newspaper. A local paper sent a photographer to take our pictures for the article. We were to leave right after/before Christmas. I remember sitting on the couch with my brothers for our picture. The TV was on and the show was interrupted for a special news bulletin. The news was about the shooting of John F. Kennedy. The news show actually showed the footage of him being shot over and over again. I knew that this was news about America and I knew that Canada was considered part of North America and I was scared. I felt horrible that this was happening in America. I did not need this on top of everything else. They shoot people over there. They kill their leaders. I was terrified inside. But I couldn't let it out. More loss. More fear, more loss of control. I was shaking on the inside. I told my dad that I did not want to go. But it wasn't up to me! Star Weekly----In the evening my father used to let us watch a television show after dinner. The favoured TV show was a musical show called Star Weekly. This show presented popular groups and musicians. On one of these shows the Beatles were featured. Wow, their first live broadcast and we were watching it. I knew they were good but I had no idea just how popular they were going get. We learned all of their early songs and when they eventually became a hit in the United States and Canada. We were ahead of our friends and classmates and knew the words to their hits.

[old-nosaviors]

excerpts from nick and demi’s gh conversation october 9 - 10 

..are you sure you’re ok though?

no

Talk to me What’s going on? I mean..besides the obvious stuff

i m just so fucking tired i cant think straight i have all my fucking sleeping pills out i wanna take all of them i dont wanna do this anymore im tiredive been cryin gfor fifteen minutes i just want to be donewith everything youre the only thing keeping me here

Nick please talk to me. What’s been going on? I know there’s more..whatever it is though it doesn’t have to end like that...I can help you..let me help you nick please.

that and i dont wanna go to hell

I can’t loose you

and i cant tell you

You’re not going to go to hell

i am if i kill myself my dad says

then just keep talking to me..just..don’t do anything..

i love you and you know that but it doesnt feel like enough right now cause it feels so bad demetria it feels so bad i havent heard from my family in four days none of them i miss my fucking dog im not making a difference and thats okay i think everyone would be better without me anyway

I know it feels bad, but it’s not forever nick....you have to trust me...You do make a difference

then when does it stop because the thing i cant tell you about? im in way too fucking deep my life is over

It’s never too late Nick..even if you hit rock bottom , you can still get up.It’s not going to happen over night. Your life isn’t over...it’s far from over

i cant, i cant you dont understand

Help me understand..please..I can help you nick If you let me

you can't. no one can i want to go home i want to sleep and i want to go home and i want to start over i want to go back and not fuck things up with olivia i know you didnt like her but god i miss her so bad it hurts i want to say no to something i never should have said yes to in the first place i want to see elvis i want joe to stop hating me i wanna see my parents i'm not a guy with a lot of regrets. you know this. but right now there's a huge list and i'm so tired i'm so tired...

It doesn’t matter really what I thought of her , you loved her and of course it’ll hurt..it’s ok to have regrets though...it’s ok to not be ok...There are things you can and can’t change , the past doesn’t have to control you though..there are so many things I wish I could’ve changed , said no too..or what not...I really wish I could take all this pain away It kills me knowing I can’t do more..I just care about you so much. If I seem pushy , or whatever that’s why..

i know im sorry i just cant i dont want you to hate me too if i lose you i have nothing

I’ll never hate you I couldn’t

might be surprised i just wanna take the pills i need to sleep but i dont wanna wake up im fucking exhausted my mom always used to say things would be better in the morning but what if they aren't?

They might not be , I can’t promise they.It might not be better for awhile

then i dont want to be alive for it

But it does get better

im going i lov eyou, demi

Nick please don’t I love you too Please nick Nick?

demi, wait

Nick please don’t do anything I’m crying I can’t loose you I can’t I just can’t

i dont want to die i just want it all to stop how do i make it stop if it helps im crying too ive been crying this whole time i fucking hate this im so fucking tired i think i'm just tired but ive been telling myself im fine and im not fine im not fine this isnt me ive never pulled this shit before

Can you let me help you? I want to help you..you have to give me any details..just..let me help you get better. You don’t have to do this alone.You didn’t let me go through it alone I can’t let you go through it alone

i have to

But you don’t...

i remembered something good though

What is it?

when i was like sixteen or maybe fifteen and we were doing some tour with disney i got like this just so fucking tired i wasnt checking my levels and i couldnt eat right and i felt sick to my stomach all the time and this one night it came to a head - like now and we were packing up and trying to leave the arena. idk if you were still there or not but i locked myself in the green room and i wouldn't come out and i wouldn't let anybody in kevin was the one that found me and he went and got my parents and i wouldnt let them in and then i guess somebody went and got joseph cause he came. and i opened the door for him cause, you know. he's my person. and i was just like, bawling. i couldn't breathe. and we went back to the bus and i got in bed and no one woke me up and afterwards it was kinda like i reset. it took a day or two more before i was back to normal but i think i just, like. got to my breaking point and i needed sleep more than anything i think that's where i'm at right now i'm so tired i think i feel like this cause im tired that probably sounds so stupid but nothing makes sense right now thats the first moment of real clarity ive had in days

~

I love you, Demi You’re the best Thanks for listening to all of that ugh I’m so sorry Two nights in a row I’ve probably given you a heart attack. And made you cry. I’m sorry.

I love you too Nick I care about you so much you’re my world. You don’t need to be sorry Can I ask you something? It’s related but kinda unrelated I was just going to ask if like if I made you feel the way like I am now whenever I was going through my stuff before rehab

What do you mean? Like panic and crying and stuff?

I mean just like how I feel worried , was that how you felt? Because I know I probably shut you out a million times & probably gave you a million heart attacks I still don’t remember much from then I wish I did

I remember going back to a hotel room one night with Joseph and I was crying and crying because I was scared out of my mind. He didn’t say anything, but he sat next to me and just listened to me cry and he knew exactly why I was upset You seemed good for weeks sometimes And then I’d see cuts on you all of a sudden or I’d see you staring at yourself in the mirror weird or those days you wouldn’t get out of bed and when you finally did you were yelling at everyone And I was trying so hard to understand why you were upset with me I thought back, every moment, trying to figure it out And then later finding out it was true that it wasn’t my fault after my parents had been telling me over and over... that was the biggest relief Because I didn’t understand. I could never wrap my head around it But through all of it the thing that upset me most was knowing that you were going through hell and I was completely powerless Even Joseph couldn’t make you laugh You wouldn’t eat. You wouldn’t sleep I...I don’t know It was intense. And we never knew in the morning which Demetria was gonna be onstage that night We loved you through it all but we were scared I think for me that I was so scared that I loved you harder, you know? I thought if I was nice enough or brave enough or funny enough you could get better And then I started to see that it wasn’t working So then it became WHEN is she going to pass out cause she’s not eating? WHEN is she going to get caught snorting coke? WHEN is she going to cut too deep? It wasn’t whether you were or not anymore, it was when. That’s why I was crying in the hotel. Cause I knew you were going to kill yourself. I just didn’t know when. I had this dream once that you were dead You slashed your wrists in a hotel room and I found you and I woke up crying So yes. Yes, living through that was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. But it just made me love you more

I honestly was so sick back then..it’s like I wasn’t even in control , it’s so..weird how it’s such a blur to me. I know I was pretty terrible at most points. I don’t think want to remember any of that..I do remember though you always being there for me even when I probably didn’t deserve it at some points. That part of my life almost feels like a dream ironically..i..mean even though I have had relapses..I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that bad again. I wouldn’t want too.It feels like a dream to me too.

If you were even starting to get like that, I would step in. Please know that. I’ll never forget those warning signs.

I remember being so emotional the first time we reunited in 2012 when I walked invited you to my set because it was the first time we saw each other before I left the tour to go to rehab. Seeing you in person again and just..knowing I’d have you in my life again pushed me to keep fighting I do appreciate that

Oh I’ll never, ever forget that

[survivorpacificislandallstars]

RITES OF PASSAGE (PRE JURY)

Andrew

Fake ass hoe we were supposed to beat some bitches up together.

Drew

You quit which made me sad but you were leaving anyway which made me sadder. I got back from exile and everyone was like “It’s Isaac” and I was like hmm why and they were like “because” and I was like :( ALSO PUTTING A PSA HERE TO THE ENTIRE CAST I’M ON VACATION THIS WEEKEND AND THIS ROP IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN ME AND DRINKING MYSELF INTO A MARIO KART WII HELL AS I DESERVE AFTER SO MUCH TIME SPENT WORKING IN MY LIFE. SO I’M SORRY THESE WILL BE WOEFULLY INADEQUATE.

Jordan P.

I’m very sorry you were first boot. You weren’t active in the first few days and it ended up sealing your fate. You are a great guy, I’m Sorry

Steffen

Despairsaac if you will, I missed you so much this game, I was hoping to cause one of the most despair inducing incidents in all of PI history like I know you can, just hope I made you proud senpai

Andrew

The biggest weeaboo I know. Questionably a furry. Definitely into Mrs. Puff porn.

Drew

Three games in two days icon

Jordan P.

Robbed too soon, Frank, robbed too soon.

Steffen

Precious potato, you were the first one voted out officially, miss your bum

Andrew

Your vote sucked because I wanted to keep meme numbers up but, there were some other bitches goin against me and I had to switch to you :/

Drew

That Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Alliance could have been everything though…...

Jordan P.

robbed icon [2017-01-10, 8:30:55 PM] Lily Owen: I have a question aboot johto Heroes v villains

[2017-01-10, 8:31:10 PM] Jordan Pines: shoot

[2017-01-10, 8:31:20 PM] Jordan Pines: though i cant say how much i know

[2017-01-10, 8:31:43 PM] Lily Owen: Are you... a real villain?

Have you ever, caught a good guy, like a- like a real solesurvivor?

Have you ever tried a disguise?

Steffen

Wish we could’ve sorted out Westeros

Drew

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?????

Jordan P.

I don’t really know you tbh, but damn rocked out that early

Steffen

ROCKS ROCKS ROCKS

Andrew

I wish you were winning again because that would have been the least problematic.

Drew

Another casualty of the messiest starting tribe since Bago. Y’all really did that with the ties

Jordan P.

First winner out, You played a good game in kanto and I’m sure had you made it far in this game you would have played a good one here. Also voted out 3 times in lazio, what an icon

Steffen

insert obvious revenge plot here

Andrew

We were actually gonna work together after ugly BSS and then you got voted out. Which I didn’t expect at all and I was mad we couldn’t get farther. But amends were made!!

Drew

KATIE MY LOVE honestly I don’t know what I would have done between you and Stevie either, but both outcomes were good and both outcomes were devastating. Sorry it was you.

Jordan P.

my mother, i love you. Robbed icon gone too soon.

Steffen

MOM, SURVIVOR GRANDMA WHYD YOU LEAVE, please send me your etsy link, cause I would like my Baylor trading card

Drew

I’m gonna be honest, I do not remember voting you out, I must have been on drugs

Jordan P.

I’m so sorry we had to vote you out, alliances were being made and you weren’t in them, I wish it didn’t have to be you

Steffen

#Steffison5EVA

Andrew

Rip the days played page. An icon tho tru.

Drew

You got rocks pulled for you, that’s amazing.

Jordan P.

girl I love you so much and i'm sorry all stars didn’t work out for you. But honestly a little part of me is relieved my days played record is safe. Love you

Steffen

Why you try to murder me mom, are you embarrassed to be seen with me in public, ILY MOM

Andrew

Gabby idc what Ricky says you are a beautiful butterfly spreading your wings through the glimmering skies of the horizon. Drop kick Ricky if he ever tries to attack you!

Drew

Banana

Jordan P.

I don’t really know you I’m sorry, but I heard you know ricky so icon

Steffen

Allison loves you, you were in hos13, SO I LOVE YOU

Drew

You were upset when you left but we did not have a bond so I’m sorry

Jordan P.

Hey sorry you got taken out when you did, but you were playing too hard too fast and people weren’t on board. I think you are a good player and good luck with Lazio, hope you make final 3

Steffen

insert other obvious revenge plot here

Andrew

I really wish you hadn’t gone premerge because I really wanted to work with you long term. We coulda been Kusa strong from Kanto and it woulda been great.

Drew

The only premerge vote that hurt me

Jordan P.

$5

Steffen

I guess we were never on a tribe together, luv ya but lets be real, Ash did that

Andrew

My dad! I’m seeing you this Saturday! Shook! I didn’t want to vote you out but you TRIED BLINDSIDING ME IN A GAME AGAIN so I had to do a thing. I am sorry because ily but still not cool :’( I can’t wait to battle to the death over this in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot.

Drew

ROCKED OUT KING Get off your stupid fucking shift at work so we can hang out, I didn’t fly a minuscule distance for you to be so far away in a white jacket.

Jordan P.

Stevie I love you so much and I am so sad to see you go when you did like that. I wish we could have played together in this game but once again Myojin-Slay fell apart. I love you and I’m sorry we never got to meet up.

Steffen

BAEVIE, I legit did not mean for your exit to happen, Andrew just decided to give L’shei justice and throat punch you into the sun, ILY and I can’t wait to make out with your face tonight CAUSE IM IN MASSACHUSETTS

Drew

An ugly vote.

Jordan P.

OMG, i’m glad we got to work together in this game. I wish we could have taken it further but it didn’t work out with tribe swaps. Hopefully we can try it again next time.

Steffen

Legit life was not your friend at this point, Im so sorry ILY

Andrew

One of the true all stars of the PI series. You deserved better. And ily. If you play one of these satanic games again, I hope things go a lot better.

Drew

Hearing about your boot was funny because of how much Jay didn’t want to do it but I was sad you were leaving, I’m still waiting on the day we can actually play together and ACTUALLY play together.

Jordan P.

UGGGGH I am so mad we never got to play together, you know me and you have our history in PI games and both of us have been working to get to this point for so long. One of us is going to win one of these one day and I know neither of us will stop fighting till we get there.

Steffen

Why you get murdered, confessionals in the beginning showed I wanted to do that myself, but we sorted our stuff out and ILY, enjoy yo man

Andrew

I didn’t really know you before this game, but I got to talk to you a bit here. You seemed super cool and I really enjoyed talking to you for the time we were on tribes together! Hope we play another game soon.

Drew

Thank you for not having an idol

Jordan P.

It was incredible meeting you and playing with you this game. I had heard so many good things about you going into this game and playing with you confirmed all of them. It was great meeting you and great playing with you.

Steffen

When I saw you in this cast I screamed at the top of my lungs, like the person who murdered me so bad in aeolian appeared here, I felt blessed, but the cards fell out from under you, but I still luv yo face

Andrew

The David Robb idol play was horrifying. It sucks it was you because you definitely woulda gone farther. If it makes you feel better, he’s on the jury and cannot hurt you anymore ;-;

Drew

I’m still shook you got put into two ties in a row and still survived

Jordan P.

Rip PoonPoon, gone too SoonSoon. Seeing you in this game put me over the MoonMoon. Once you were voted out all I could hear was a sad TuneTune. Seriously though I love you and it was nice playing together while we could.

Steffen

You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out, You better watch out

Andrew

Minionfucker95. Love you Kardad and I was shook you went out premerge.

Drew

Was Kevin worth it? I mean I think he was I guess but you should have stayed too

Jordan P.

Rip MinionFucker. I am so sorry about how we did you dirty. But you had a sapphire idol in your pocket and we were all terrified of what you would do. Myojin-Slay had to die, but you know I love you.

Steffen

VODKA AUNT WHYYYYYYY, Why did this truly ugly game take you before we could get f@ckdt together on da vodkas

Drew

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PART TWO (the I’m sorry edition)

Jordan P.

Hey it was really great meeting you this game. You seemed like a really cool person and I loved talking to you about our completely different lives living in completely different climates. Nevada and Canada. It was cool meeting you and I love your name.

Steffen

Icon, but I know you (eyes emoji)