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totally-not-a-cannibal-hannibal · 1 year ago

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To My Taste

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Part 8: Hedonistic

Masterlist

⚠️Warnings⚠️ 18+ but there isn't really sex just heavy petting. Obsessive Behavior, gaslighting. Mentions of both Somnophilia and CNC kinda.

There was a prick in my arm that made my eyes pop open. Hannibal was trying to put an IV in. I moved my arm away from whatever it was in the IV bag, he was about to put in the IV. He looked surprised for a split second before smiling.

"There is my favorite patient." He said as he tried to continue to hook up the IV to the bag of liquid. I put my hand over the IV opening.

"What are you doing?" The words felt like mush in my mouth. I must have still been high from the codeine he gave me.

"You have been asleep for almost a day. I was going to give you fluids so you didn't get dehydrated. May I continue?" He asked as he looked down at my hand. I looked up at the bag of mystery liquid. What was I thinking? This is Hannibal, what would he possibly put in an IV that would hurt me. Giving him a sheepish grin I nod and move my hand.

"Where is Will?" I ask wincing as Hannibal plugs in the tubing.

"Working I'm afraid. We will just have to keep each other company." He jokes while taking off his gloves.

"I need to get to work. It's been days." I try to sit up but Hannibal stops me.

"Jack came by this morning, we told him you were still sleeping and were having a difficult time adjusting. He wants you to take a few more days." Hannibal says as he tucks the covers back around me.

"They are still looking for the man? It's wasting resources. Maybe we should just tell them the truth." The last part came out as a mumble. It was taking a lot of effort to choose the right words. I knew what I wanted to say, it was a matter of making my mouth say it. Hannibal shushes me and puts my hand back under the blanket.

"That would only cause the team more problems. Think how sad Beverly would be if you were found guilty of murder. You wouldn't be able to see Will or I in Jail. We'd all be in trouble." I could tell he was using simpler words than normally would. It did make sense though. I didn't want to go to jail.

"I feel bad." I say softly looking up at him. He checked the IV bag and moved my head to the side very gently.

"I know you do. Guilt is understandable. You have been through something traumatic but you did the right thing. A man like that shouldn't be around people." He says as he starts parting my hair like he was looking for something.

"What are you doing now?" I question keeping my head perfectly still for him.

"I am checking the stitches and bruises. You seem to be healing nicely. We will see how your pain is once the drugs wear off." His fingers delicately dance through my hair. I had no doubt this would hurt without the codeine but for now it felt like he was just playing with my hair. I grin and close my eyes enjoying the sensation.

He brushed my hair down flat and turned my head to the other side. His hands were really warm. I could feel myself start to slip back to sleep. I jerk my body to wake up. If I slept anymore I'd lose it. Too much sleep always puts me in a fog.

"Did something hurt?" He asked as he paused his gentle head massage.

"No, I don't want to go back to sleep." Opening my eyes I look out his window at the treeline. It was pouring outside. The rain tapped against the window. He chuckled softly as he smoothed my hair out again and pulled his hands away.

"I was thinking about last night. Did you enjoy the meat you ate?" He asked as he took out a small light and shined it in my eyes. Letting out a whine I squint and pull my hands to my face to block the light. He was checking to make sure my pupils dilated and I guess I passed the test because he put his light away quickly.

His question bounced around in my head. I had almost forgotten I had meat last night. Far more eventful things happened that night that had my attention.

"Yeah it was good. It was a little too bloody." I was doing my best to speak clearly to avoid the embarrassment of mumbling anymore. Hannibal chuckled again and nodded. He seemed pleased with my answer. His eyes wrinkled up a bit the way they do when he is cooking or looking at Will.

"If I made you some more would you try it again?"

"What If I don't like it? I don't want it to go to waste." I say as I look back over at the IV. I found myself trying to pick at the tape holding it in place.

"I will finish it if you don't. I would like for you to be able to enjoy what Will and I do." He said as he gingerly took my hand away from the tape and put it back under the blanket again. He tucked my upper body in a little more snuggly this time. "So can I get you to try some more?"

"Alright." I wasn't sure why it was so important to him. Maybe it was a cultural difference. I wouldn't want to be rude. He smiled at me. It reached his eyes yet again, making me smile back. He had such a sweet smile. When it reached his eyes it made me melt. I look away from him to avoid getting butterflies.

"I'm going to make you some food. If you need anything just call." He says as he leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. He lingered for a second. My face got warm and I closed my eyes so I could enjoy the feeling of his lips against my skin.

"Sounds good." I whisper as I turn my head away from him to look out the window. He left the room and kept the door wide open.

He had nearly imprisoned me in this blanket. There was hardly any room to move. It seemed the more I strained the tighter my wrappings got.

Giving myself a rest for a moment I look around his room for something that I could focus on to keep myself awake. The conversation I caught last night sprung to mind. Will was feeding his dogs something. He was taking a cut of something. I wished they had spoken more frankly. They could be so vague it drives me crazy.

Laying in this position all day was starting to make me sore. Which was a good sign because that meant the drugs were wearing off. I continued my fight with the blankets again but this time I made some headway. I was able to wiggle my arm free. It was all I needed to unwrap myself from this cotton trap.

Sitting up I inspect the IV bag holder. It didn't have wheels on the bottom like most. I didn't feel like I was all that dehydrated so I disconnected the tubing to the bag and used the bed to push myself to my feet. I was too chicken to try and take the IV out myself.

Walking wasn't as difficult as it initially seemed. Once I got my footing it was easy enough. Now out from under the blanket I realized how cold I was. In truth I wasn't even sure why I was looking for Hannibal, being alone just didn't feel right.

Finally making my way to the kitchen I found he wasn't here but all his cooking equipment was. Waiting for him there didn't occur to me. I started down another hall in search of my Doctor. He turned a corner holding a cut of meat wrapped in white paper.

"Now how did you get over here?" He grinned but he seemed a little vexed.

"I wanted to walk." I say as I lean against the wall taking a small break. He held out his arm for me to use to steady myself.

"Come along then, it would seem I need to tuck you in a little more tightly." We make it to the kitchen again and he lays the meat down on the counter before using his newly freed hand to lead me back to his room.

"Why do I have to be in here? I can walk fine." It sounded a bit more whiny than I intended it to. Hannibal let go of me suddenly and I stumbled before regaining my coordination. My knees wobbled like a spotted fawn. Standing was harder than walking somehow. The ground spun beneath me whenever I stood still.

"Yes you seem quite sturdy." He taunted, with a soft smile. He took my hand to help me back into bed. "You are shaking, it is dangerous to try and walk alone. You do seem to be getting more lucid. The fact you were able to untuck yourself is impressive in itself. Your fine motor skills are present seeing as you managed to unplug your IV. Be patient and the drugs should be out of your system soon enough, then you can wander all you want." He lightly scolded as he allowed me to sit up in bed.

"Oh Hannibal, you really know how to compliment a girl. Never had a man compliment my ability to untuck myself from his bed." He wasn't wrong though. I was feeling more alert and less sluggish. He started to hook the IV back in when I stopped him. "I don't feel dehydrated and I'm awake now so I can just drink something right?" I ask looking up at him.

"If you think you feel well enough I suppose it's not needed." He agreed. He gently peeled the tape from the crease of my elbow and expertly removed the IV. Without warning he leaned down and kissed the spot the needle had been. My eyes widened as I watched him.

It was a delicate but firm kiss. My stomach did flips as he stood up straight again. The smallest dot of blood sat on his bottom lip until he licked it away, as if he didn't even notice it. He placed his thumb over the needle spot. Reaching for his first aid kit on the table he pulls out a band-aid to cover the small wound. "There we go all better." He spoke but I wasn't really listening. My heart was still fluttering from his tender kiss.

"What was that for?" I was baffled by him yet again. My cheeks felt red hot as they blushed for him.

"It was an apology for the blemish and pain." He said as he moved the IV bag and holder away from the bed.

"Apology accepted. You do that for all your patients?" I ask with a smirk. Flirting with him seemed like a bad idea but I couldn't resist.

"Only for the ones who look so sweet when they blush." He spoke so matter of factly but still somehow sounded flirtatious.

"Oh you use that line on Will?" I couldn't let myself be the only one who was frazzled. I give him an almost smug grin as I look up at him. I wanted to see him squirm under my bluntness. His expression didn't change, he didn't seem shy about it in the slightest.

"No, I just propositioned him with sex. No line was required." He said with his own smirk now.

"What a lucky man." I remark

"Are you referring to Will or I?" He asked as he leaned against the bedside table and crossed his arms.

"Both." I say softly looking up at him. He let out a small chuckle in acceptance.

"Are you the hedonistic type Lydia?" The question took me by surprise.

"That's a word, hedonistic. I never understood if that word was supposed to be offensive. Nothing wrong with the pursuit of pleasure."

"If you think so, why haven't you answered my question?"

"Why did you ask the question?" We sat there for a moment just staring as if waiting for the other to break.

"It is bad manners to answer a question with a question of your own." His tone is different. It could have just as easily been interpreted as a warning of some kind.

"It's bad manners to tease your guests." I say with a playful grin. It seemed I had gotten some kind of rise out of him. He seemed to be affected by my words now.

"I'm not teasing you, not yet anyway." His lip curled into a slow grin as he looked down at me. The look in his eye wasn't too dissimilar to the look Will gets. It was dark but seemed more restrained.

Something about his expression was alarming. I wasn't sure what it was but looking into his eyes I felt like prey looking into a hungry predator's eyes.

He stood up straight and the look in his eyes changed along with his grin. "I'm going to prepare our meal. I'll be back soon. Don't leave the bed again please." He requests as he leaves the room. I was left wondering how much of what I felt was intentional on his part.

A boom of thunder broke my concentration as a storm brewed outside. Normally a storm wouldn't bother me but today it seemed to weigh on my mind more then it should. I jumped with every crack of thunder. The wind picked up quick and the trees swayed and bent in the storm.

Hannibal returned after a while with a tray full of food and drinks. He sat the tray down on the bedside table and pulled a chair near the bed before handing me my plate. It was some kind of thinly sliced meat arranged beautifully to look like a flower of some kind. His plate had an equally beautiful arrangement of meat that looked a bit more bloody than mine.

"I am testing out arrangements for a dinner party I plan to have soon. What do you think of the Dahlia?" He asked gesturing to the elaborate looking flower made of meat on my plate.

"It is certainly original, must have taken you a while. Why a Dahlia?" I ask as I gently feel one of its petals.

"Dahlias are a resilient flower but also fragile. They can bloom in intense heatwaves while all its garden mates wilt and crisp under a harsh sun, but they have very weak stems. They often collapse under the weight of their own buds and blossoms. I enjoy the duality and versatility of the flower, and they are beautiful." He perfects his own arrangement as he speaks. He seemed completely absorbed in the task. It was obvious he put so much thought into the arrangement.

"And here I was thinking you just liked old unsolved cases." I say with a grin. The faux flower seemed almost too pretty to ruin by cutting into it with silverware. Hannibal nodded and grinned at me.

"Well yes of course the murder comes to mind as well. Such a dark mind for a bright young woman." I wasn't sure if it was a compliment or an insult but either way I couldn't stop myself from blushing yet again. He took pity on me and didn't mention my red cheeks. "Well it's not just meant to be beautiful, please try it." He sounded almost excited for me to try. I don't keep him in suspense for long. I used the fork to scoop up some petals and put them into my mouth. They were so soft and smooth they almost felt like a real plant but the taste was unmistakably meat.

"It's good, the texture is great. I think the meat taste pretty good as well. I like it." I say as I take another bite. His face lights up as he nods.

"Good! I was worried the texture was too thin. I want the guest to enjoy the delicateness of the petals without taking from the meat's natural texture."

"As normal you have nailed it Hannibal this is really great." He seemed proud. I always liked seeing someone indulge in something they love. It's the main reason I went fishing with Will.

We enjoyed both our arrangements in comfortable silence. Once we both finished Hannibal collected the plates and placed them on the tray.

The storm showed no sign of slowing. I was a bit worried about Will making it back safely. My attention was pulled by Hannibal who cleared his throat.

"May I confess something to you?" I look over at him. I was almost worried what might come out if this man's mouth next.

"Of course what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, I just want to be transparent with you. I have a guilty conscience. I let the air out of your tire the first night you stayed. I snuck out while the food was cooking and unscrewed your air cap." He said he felt guilty but he didn't really look it. He sat straight in his chair and looked me in the eye he spoke so confidently.

"Um alright why? Did you do that?" I was sure he had his reasons but it did tick me off a little.

"I was worried about you. Your attacker was still out there and I didn't want you to go home to an empty house."

"Oh Hannibal you could have just came out and said that. I would have stayed." It was a sweet thought. It felt strange to have someone go behind my back to try and protect me, almost like receiving a backhanded compliment.

"No you wouldn't have, you would have fought tooth and nail to not feel like a burden so I had to give you no option. And my actions were not entirely altruistic, it was my attempt to help Will. He had mentioned his interest in you. I thought if you two spent more time together outside of work it might help his chances. Unfortunately I believe his nerves got the better of him and he overdid it with the alcohol." Hannibal stopped speaking for a second and looked out the window before speaking again. "And I wasn't dreading the idea of spending more time with you."

"Well um you really thought long and hard about it, it would seem. Just don't do that again. If you wanted to spend time together you could have just asked." I lean forward a bit to bring my face into his line of sight. It seemed to work and he looked back at me. He grinned and nodded as he stood up to take the tray.

"I'm going to clean this up. Would you like to come with me?" He asked as he held out his hand to help me out of bed. I jumped at the opportunity to get out of this room.

Taking his hand I got up and used his shoulder to steady myself. The walk was easy enough. Eating some food had really helped in my recovery from this hellish drug he gave me.

Once in the kitchen I sat down on one of the stools as he started to clear the tray. I was about to ask him if he wanted help when the front door was opened quickly and closed. Will fought to fold up a broken umbrella as he stepped into the foyer and spotted us in the kitchen.

"Hell of a storm. You got candles Hannibal?" He asked as he took off his rain soaked coat and hat.

"I have many." Hannibal answers from the sink with a grin.

"Good, good to see you up and around." Will says as he puts a hand on my face and leans down to kiss me. I was so surprised by the kiss I left my eyes open. He pulled away and chuckled softly.

"Yeah hey there." I say taken off guard. The kiss wasn't unwelcomed, it just wasn't expected. Hannibal didn't even seem to notice the random kiss.

"Did you miss me?" Will asked me with a grin as he stole another peck of a kiss from my lips.

"Of course I did but Hannibal kept me company. He made us meat flowers." As I speak Will started undoing his sleeve buttons. He laughed once I finished talking and looked at Hannibal like I was crazy.

"Yeah meat flower? That sounds interesting." He sounded like he was talking to a child.

"No she isn't mistaken, I made a meat arrangement that resembled a Dahlia." Hannibal corrects him. Will looks surprised but nods.

"Sorry I thought you were still loopy. You were feeling pretty good this morning and were saying some funny stuff." Will says as he leans against the bar. I laugh a little, feeling embarrassed.

"Oh no what did I say?"

"It's alright Hannibal warned me you might be out of it. You asked if I wanted to mess around." He said with a playful grin.

"Oh god! sorry about that." I say sheepish. I glanced up at Hannibal who didn't seem to have any reaction to what was said.

"Don't apologize, it was fun." Will says as he puts his hand on my thigh. I didn't catch it at first. I put my face in my hands and laughed until it hit me.

"What was fun?" I asked, feeling a pit grow in my stomach. He looked like a deer in headlights as he realized something.

"Well when I-." He paused and looked embarrassed now. "When I fingered you." He whispered the last part. I pulled away from him, surprised.

"You what?!." I pushed his hand off my thigh and looked at him disgusted.

"I'm sorry I didn't think you'd mind. You asked me to. You don't remember it? I figured you were into it." Will did seem genuinely sorry not for doing it but for the misunderstanding perhaps. I looked up at Hannibal for back up. He had poured himself some scotch and was sipping it as he listened to us. He was completely unfazed.

His reaction made me feel almost silly. Like I was overreacting. Will put his arm around me and pulled me closer.

"You knew I was out of it." I said looking up at him. His brow furrowed for a second before grinning.

"I didn't know you wouldn't remember. If I would have known that I wouldn't have done it. I'm so sorry, forgive me?" He leaned down and gave me another kiss. The situation felt off but he probably did think I was into it. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about his fingers inside of me before. He was hard to be mad at. He was holding my face so tenderly and his lips were so soft against mine. That's when I remembered Hannibal was still in the room. I pulled away from the kiss and looked over at him. He was still just looking at us. His expression was unreadable. I turned my attention back to Will.

"Just don't do it again." I say softly. I felt violated but something deep in me almost liked the idea of it in a sick twisted way it felt romantic. I wasn't proud of this feeling but I also couldn't stop it.

"I promise." He said before trying to kiss me again. I turn my head not wanting to be kissed like that again in front of Hannibal. I was feeling extra shy and sensitive after this situation came to light. Hannibal seemed to understand without being told and he turned around to organize some pots and pans. Will didn't take the hint. He used his hand to turn my face back to him and kissed me a bit more forcefully. I couldn't help but kiss him back.

"I'm going to take a shower. Do you want to join me?" He asked, finally breaking the kiss. I shook my head no.

"No, my head is starting to hurt. Maybe next time." I say with a small grin. He seemed okay with me not coming along.

"Hannibal?" He asked, looking over at him. Hannibal looked up at the clock and turned around.

"I'd be delighted. Will you be okay alone?" He asked as he looked at me. I was surprised by how casual he was about joining Will's shower.

"Oh um yeah totally. I'm just going to watch some TV or something." I stuttered a bit looking at the two men. The openness about sex would take some getting used to.

Hannibal had made his way to Will and kissed him sweetly on the cheek before the two men walked off together. I felt jealous but I wasn't sure who I was jealous of.

Shaking the thought from my head I got up and carefully walked to the living room. It was a minor miracle Hannibal even had a TV he didn't seem like the type to watch television. I flipped through the channels before landing on the news. It was a special segment dedicated to missing persons.

A few unfamiliar faces passed by as the news anchor spoke about them until something caught my eye in one of the photos. It was a mugshot of a man accompanied by pictures of unique features he had. On his calf was a tattoo of a tiger. The exact tattoo I remembered seeing on the dismembered leg in Hannibal's basement. My blood ran cold as I listened to the news anchor speak. The man was a career criminal. He went missing a few weeks ago from his home.

I thought back to the supposed hallucination I had about Hannibal's basement. I know it was the same tattoo. It was really poorly done, probably got it in prison or done by a friend with a tattoo gun. They showed me the pig's body; it definitely wasn't human. Did Hannibal move the body and replace it? My stomach churned at the thought. He was so willing to hide my attacker's body. Maybe it wasn't his first time.

I was going to be smart about it this time. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'll ask Will to come with me to the basement when Hannibal isn't around. We can look together. I won't even have to tell Will what I'm looking for. This way Hannibal wouldn't be able to lie his way out of it.

The shower turned off and I could faintly hear the men talking in Hannibal's room. I changed the channel and tried to look natural. They came out to the living room shortly after.

The night continued on. I had to wait till Hannibal was asleep or gone before I could tell Will anything. Going through the evening was exhausting. Hannibal was so perceptive. He could tell something was wrong. I had to keep reassuring him it was just my head. He was eager to offer me all sorts of methods of pain management. I was growing more and more nervous that I was tipping him off to something. It was nearly 11 when Hannibal got a call. It was a patient of his. They had tried to hurt themselves and were begging to see him at the hospital.

"Do you want us to come along?" Will offered as Hannibal pulled on his coat and got a new umbrella from the holder by the door. I stayed calm not wanting to seem too eager to get Will alone.

"No, I will be alright. I don't want you two out in this storm. Thank you though, make sure she gets some rest and I'll be home soon." Hannibal said as he kissed Will and I on our cheeks. He seemed more affectionate. That was good. He must not have suspected anything.

I watched Hannibal go to his car and pull out of his driveway. Will seemed excited for him to leave for a different reason. He came up behind me and started kissing on my neck while he wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm so sorry about this morning." He said in between slow sweet kisses. I was trying to think of what I could tell him to get him in that basement that didn't make me sound crazy.

"It's okay Will. It was a misunderstanding, It happens." I say trying to ease his mind.

"You just looked so beautiful. You fell asleep in my arms. I think I found a new turn on." He whispered in my ear. I was hardly listening to him. I was too busy trying to think up a lie.

"Drugging a girl?" I tease him a bit. He laughed as he pressed my hips against his. I could feel his member at attention against me.

"You sleeping, you looked so peaceful." He said as he tried to lift my sleep shirt. I keep my arms down by my side stopping him. What he was staying didn't make sense. I didn't think I was asleep when he touched me this morning.

"I thought I was awake." I say as I pull my hips away from him ever so slightly.

"You were awake in the beginning. Then you laid your head on my shoulder and fell asleep. It was so intimate, you trusted me so much." He started to rub his hand against the front of my underwear under my sleep shirt. I was half disgusted and half turned on. I wanted to hit him for not stopping once I fell asleep but at the same time I wanted him to fuck me right there in the foyer. I had to focus, our psychiatrist could be a murdering cannibal.

"I need your help." I say as I pull his hand away from my crotch. He wasn't going to let me move from his grasp though.

"Anything, just say it." He hummed as he bit at my neck.

"I think I lost my earring in Hannibal's basement when we were down there. Can you help me look for it?" He stopped all of his canoodling as soon as I mentioned the basement.

"You are thinking about your earrings right now?" He laughed as he turned me around to face him.

"It's the most expensive pair I have." I say as I give him an apologetic kiss for ruining the mood. It was a long shot. Will had a great memory and I worried he'd remember I wasn't wearing earrings that night. His mind seemed more preoccupied with a more pressing matter than my earring.

He leaned down and kissed me back as he tried to pick me up. I had to pull my body from his to get him to regain focus. "Will, please! I love those earrings." He wiped his mouth as he looked down at the ground. He seemed to be trying to collect his thoughts.

"Alright stay here." He said as he went to head towards the basement.

"I'll come along, the more eyes the better. It's super small. You might miss it." I say as I hurry after him. I lose my footing and stumble behind him. He turned around to try and catch me. "I'm fine, I'm fine, let's just look for the earring." I say smiling at him. I was doing my best to not seem desperate.

"There is no way I'm taking you down there. There is a table saw and a concrete floor. It's a death trap for you in this state. I won't be long, just stay put." He tried to walk me to the sofa but I refused to sit.

"Just let me help!" I shout as I push his hands off me. He seemed to have caught on.

"Lydia we have been through this, there is nothing down there. There wasn't the other night and there isn't tonight. Hannibal isn't chopping people up in his basement." Will was speaking softly and gently. Like he was talking to a wounded animal.

"No Will look, look at this." I say as I grab my phone from the coffee table. I pull up the missing persons report and show him the tattoo. "It's the tattoo I saw. Maybe I'm mistaken but I don't think I am so let's go down there and check it out please!" I beg as he takes my phone to get a better look.

"Is this even a tiger? Looks more like an alpaca." He says under his breath. He closed my phone and looked down at me. He was thinking about something. He had started to sweat when I showed him the picture. He either thought I was going crazy or he was starting to believe me.

"Just one look." I say as I lean against him. "Please."

"I'll look. You can't even walk in a straight line without help. Let me go down and check it all out." He says with a small smile. It wasn't ideal but at least he seemed to believe me or at least believe that I thought this was real.

"Okay yeah sure. Just look in the freezers. Look for hairs, human hair." I say as I sit down on the sofa. He nods and puts my phone in his pocket. I thought it was odd but maybe he wanted it for a light.

"Stay here. Don't move please." He said as he kissed me on the forehead. I agreed as he walked down the hall. It wasn't very long at all. Not even two minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. I walked after him, he must have been in the basement because the door was cracked open. I snuck over and peeked through the crack. I couldn't see anything other than the stairs.

Will was talking down there. I couldn't really hear him so I quietly opened the door and squeezed through. Scooting down slowly on my butt I got near the bottom of the steps and could finally hear him.

"Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth!" He whispered. I have never heard that tone from Will. He sounded absolutely crazed so mad he could hardly form a coherent sentence.

Was he talking to himself? I stood up and peeked around the corner so I could try and see what was happening. Will's back was to me. He was moving something into a closet, it looked like a hospital bed. On the bed looked to be a person, or at least I think it was a person. They were covered in a white sheet and were hooked up to a machine on wheels of some kind. I held my breath not wanting him to know I was lurking.

"Help." Someone gasped out from the sheet. They hardly sounded human.

"Shut up!" Will barked in a hushed tone. I yelped in surprise, making Will freeze. He knew I was here.

#hannibal #will graham #hannigram #nbc hannibal #nbc hannigram #yandere hannibal #dark fanfiction #oc stuff #yandere will graham

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riderofblackdragons · 8 months ago

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Day 2 - Paralytic Drug

Another one in the Experiments in Blood au! I am playing fast and loose with these prompts tbh, and ive realised that the last time i wrote proper angst i was both unmedicated and therefore depressed af, so this month might not actually be all the whumpy lol

Hope you enjoy!

Tonight was the night. All three vampires knew it, could feel the anticipation. Tonight they were getting out of here - or at least, Damon was. Both Kol and Enzo had passed Damon their shares of blood for the past year, even as Damon had tried to refuse Kol’s. And now, a year on, it was the New Year’s party for the Augustine Society.

One of them, most likely Damon as he’d been the best behaved the past month or so, would be brought upstairs, and paraded around like a puppet. Escape would be easiest there, with so many humans gathered, and only a single ankle chain and the threat of punishment to keep him from it.

It was carefully plotted, of course. Kol and Enzo also wished to escape, and Damon was to come back down after them when he’d finished off the guards and scientists upstairs. They’d carefully planned to be rowdy and uncooperative with their jailers, to make Damon seem like the best option for this party.

They only knew if it had worked, or not, when the night of the party itself came. The guards came, and for a second it seemed as thought they were going to pick Kol anyways, who was nearly grey with how little blood he’d gotten over the past year.

Desiccation, as he’d told them, would be setting in soon after the party, if he didn’t get enough blood in time. Death would follow, but it was a death the ordinary vampire could wake up from, and so definitely wouldn’t harm him in the long term.

In the short term, well… That depended on what the scientists did to him whilst he was still desiccated, and therefore unable to properly heal himself until he got more blood.

Thankfully, their plan when off without a hitch, Enzo watching as Damon was, in the end, chosen for his good behaviour, their captors not even once considering that they could possibly be smart enough to orchestrate anything like this. If all went well, they wouldn’t realise until they were dying, staring up at their former victims in their last moments.

And then, all of a sudden, it all went wrong.

It was the typical New Year’s party. Random members of the Augustine Society milled around, some having the guts to come up to Damon and have a proper look. Some even had a private conversation with Dr Whitmore, standing close by Damon, ready to show off his prize to anyone who asked.

The problem was one of the men who did so.

“You’ll stay here and be good for me, won’t you?” The man, nearly unrecognisable from the other suit-wearing men in the room, peered into Damon’s eyes, and the vampire could almost swear he was being compelled. “Not cause any trouble?”

It sounded like a question, but both knew it wasn’t really one. This man was no different to the rest, even asking Dr. Whitmore about observing in his experiments.

No! Damon screamed into his mind.

There was no way he wanted this man anywhere near him, and he desperately hoped that the doctor would refuse him. But luck was not on Damon’s side, and the doctor agreed. At that moment, Damon knew he had to be getting out of there, before this man came back the next day and helped slice him open. Or worse, slice open one of Damon’s fellow captives. There was just something about him that gave Damon a bad feeling, and he was somewhat used to listening to his gut feelings.

It felt worse, when he tried to move, to lunge at this off-putting man. Damon’s eyes widened in panic, his mind urging the rest of him to do anything. But his body didn’t repsond, instead staying completely still, as though he was paralysed.

His mind flashed back to the words the man had said. Stay here and be good drifted across his ind. Don’t cause any trouble.

In front of him, the man hummed in delight, as if he knew that Damon was trying to break free. He straightened his jacket lapels a little, smiling as the doctor discussed him coming back to the lab the next.

He did move on, finally, when his name was called by one of the other members of the society, and he politely excused himself with another indescribable look at Damon. As his shoes clicked on the floor away from him, Damon tried to commit the name to memory. Elias, they’d called him.

He’d have to tell the others, later. When the party was over, and he had to deliver the news that he’d failed at escaping.

#tvd #the vampire diaries #au - experiment in blood #damon salvatore #elijah mikaelson #do i feel like tagging the doctor even tho hes a part of this? nah #my fic #writing

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qumiiiquinnquin · 1 year ago

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im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

#vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw sui attempt #long post #well this escalated fast #i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive

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ocs-by-kingspade · 1 year ago

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Hello fantastic fandom fellows!

Just an update on my general life I suppose. I am a writer, if you didn't already know and I have many, many WIPs that I can't wait to be completed...

Unfortunately I am cursed with the blessing of ADHD, however I have long since learned my lesson and no longer post works that I have not completed... however that means that currently, none of my works are posted.

I will (eventually) post my stories on our wonderful AO3 for your consumption... but I'm hoping a little hype will force my brain into submission

Thusly, we come to the purpose of this post. To inform y'all about my different works so y'all can ask questions or just be hyped for my future works or whatevs. This, a short listing of fandoms and a brief description of each work.

A warning, most don't have names yet, but I'm working on it!

Good Omens:

A post season 2 story on stopping the Second Coming and remembering the past - M, with mpreg, true forms, Heaven bashing, and torture themes

A Love I Can't Remember - Crowley still feels hunted by their old bosses, but is this paranoia or something more? - M, with flashbacks, PTSD, really fucking powerful Crowley, and some Eldritch Horror themes

BNHA

Hisashi Midoriya is Toshinori Yagi. He tries to balance hero work with secrets and keeping his family safe. - As of yet unrated, Midoriya adults adopted Aizawa, Aizawa/Yamada, so many secrets and lies

All Might is hero by day, Villain by night who falls in love with a certain night nurse - M, AFO is Yagi's Dad, explicit torture and BDSM scenes, Toshinori/Inko

Surprise! You are Izuku's father, Toshinori! - T (probably to go up, I'm mean to the characters I'm sorry), Trans Toshinori, Trans Izuku, Inko was a Vigilante, Adopted Aizawa and Bakugo, Aizawa/Yamada, Very rough childhoods for our favorite parents

All Might is Evil, take 2. Runs evil company. Falls for a Vigilante - M, Toshinko (can you tell I'm a fan), evilnesses and idk I haven't worked as much on this one and I'm not as good as writing bad guys it gives me anxiety.

Inuyasha

Black Horse and a Cherry Tree - Sesshomaru raises Inuyasha's twin and discovers how to love a human - M for spicy scenes, major character death, battle scenes, birth scenes, they are all adults calm tf down! Sesshomaru/Rin, not apologizing (there will be a part two in modern day Japan if I EVER FINISH THIS, IVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR A DECADE)

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me Black - Marauders Era, an OC forms friendship with the strangest people and changes the fate of the Wizarding World- M, child abuse, torture, trying to figure out Right from Wrong, vampires

Snape/James/Lily, Snape does his best for his family after his husband and wife die - M, child abuse, grief, mentions of alcoholism, secret relationship, trying to keep the Problem Child from killing himself is really fucking hard

So that brings us around. These are just the ones that I have actively started in some form or fashion. I have a Zutaraang that floats in my head too but have never committed anything to digital paper yet, so don't be afraid to ask about your favorite fandom!

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sl33py-g4m3r · 7 months ago

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I’m trying to get past my anxiety and have fun with a really hard game franchise cause the music, story, and demons are cool… I didn’t intend on complaining and sorry if it comes off that way.

I hate anxiety when it comes so playing new games. I’ve posted about this before and should probably just jump in and have fun with it~~~ regardless of failure…

RNG is part of the fun and appeal of the franchise.

And the franchise is hard; but tells a good story, and you can fuse your partners into newer, more powerful ones, or just with different skills.

You can even learn those skills in some games~~!!

Negotiation and them joining you is just like battling in Pokemon and the negotiation is like a pokeball throw, with you giving macca, life stones, and whatever else. It’s all rng~~

Part of the fun is the difficulty~~

I wish anxiety would shut it so I can have fun with shin megami tensei

I’d really hate for it to not be a franchise for me cause I love the music, themes, and demons to death. The morality system is neat too~~~ also demon fusion ~~

Anxiety please go get mazio so I can have fun~~

The series is hard and rng heavy I’m aware of that~~ cool music and everything else outweighs that

Unless dungeon crawlers aren’t for me….

Now I’m sad if that’s the case…

It’s a new thing~~~ play it and have fun with it~~ getting upset over stuff not working is the antithesis of getting good at something ~~

We’re all crap at one point ~~ we all have to learn together ~~ we’ll get through it and have fun along the way hopefully. (Beginners I mean)

Yes this is about trying to get my anxiety to shut up so I can jump into shin megami tensei iv again.

Tries to recruit mokoi, doesn’t work, centaur gets killed cause zio (i think), i get killed by mokoi, hello Charon, out of life stones, need to grind more for life stones… stop playing for a while.

Also easy mode after dying a bit seems nice but also like the game is just mocking you like ‘normal difficulty is too hard? Here~~’ or maybe it’s just me.

Music and stuff is awesome~~~ and I love the franchise to death~~ why am I like this?

I’d hate for the franchise to be something not for me cause I love it dearly~~~

Trying to get my anxiety to shut up so I can have fun ~~ sorry if it sounds like I’m complaining about it ~~

Sadness ~~~ how’d you all get used to demon negotiation going south? I’m assuming just try again with another demon and this is a me problem.

Why am I like this~~?

like is it passion for video games in general why I get upset if things don't work out? or is it just anxiety trying to ruin my fun in general?

I wanna game and have fun~~~ wish anxiety would chill...... just play games as I was a kid again and not care if I die or was bad cause it's gonna be that way. just play to have fun and not feel like you should be good immediately....

idk how that mindset got ingrained in me that "you got to be good or its not for you, give up" cause that won't get me anywhere. we're all beginners at something a lot in life~~~ how did i get this way?

post was about smt iv but bullet hell shooters are very hard as well.

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plounce · 2 years ago

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as someone whos played ffxiv for almost 8 years now i gotta say its SO exciting to see youve started playing. i really enjoy seeing you talking about trc and kurofai (unfortunately i know absolutely nothing about xmen so it goes right over my head) and so im excited to see any thoughts you have about the ffxiv story and characters!

HEEHEEHEE. most of my ffxivposting has been in a thread on my twt priv, but after the recent botslaughter im gonna try and move it over here.

im at the beginning of stormblood. here are my thoughts:

as i said previously, in ARR i was very meh on alphinaud. i have a grudge against his ARR va (due to critical role), i was like "WHY are we starting a PARAMILITARY ORG", and i was kind of like hey. im playing a 6ft tall elf lady with a huge axe. you fancy little twerp dont boss me around. the end of ARR was soooo crazy and good though, really kicked the plot into gear for me, and those cutscenes were like WHOA!! OMG THE GUY FROM THE BEGINNING CUTSCENE... and in heavensward he became my little boy. because he basically reversed all the things i didnt really like about him. new VA. constant regret and shame about the crystal braves. and everyone was like awww hahaha youre a nice little boy. and he is. he is a boy. and he's polite. and he got a new outfit that covered his midriff, which i appreciated.

minfillia... im sorry. her VA was so insanely bad. and i never really DID anything with her that made me feel attached to her. she felt very bland and generic. i was like okay cool 👍 see ya. i also think her outfit was so blaaaahhhh like it gave me girl next door final fantasy character, NOT leader of an NGO, which would have been more appealing to me.

y'shtola: one of my mutuals is constantly posting her very cute WoL/yshtola fanart and i thought i would like a bit more than i presently do... i like her! i just feel like she hasnt gotten to do very much that isnt going "hmm.. aether." i think it's delightful that she shares a VA with sera from dragon age. bitches with bangs 4 lesbians

urianger: when i first saw urianger i was aghast. i was like. PEOPLE ARE HORNY FOR THAT THING? but now that ive seen more of his shb/edw outfit im like aha i see. you have gender. you're either like "do not perceiveth me" or "dripping with gold in a lightweight backless gown". i really enjoyed his undercover outfit with the WoD. i don't think he did anything wrong. he was like "yeah i did lie to everyone and help manipulate events to send minfilia to a different data center. i feel absolutely awful about it, i wish my trolley problem principles had not made me deceiveth thou all, i am a horrible villain, pray do not feel compelled to forgive me" and i was like nah youre good 👍 like she isnt DEAD. plus he always tried to help me a little bit when he could. i like his funny voice. i like how in ARR he was voiced by fenris dragonage. take those goggles and hood off again mx tism

tataru: if lalafells didn't look like that. i would be shipping my WoL with her. i think she is so cute and fun and a delight. she is a joy. my girl JUGGLES!!!!! she makes OUTFITS!!!!!!!!! she has A KETTLE WITH A FANCY NAME!!!!!!!!!! and she works so hard. im so glad she got to come with us to ishgard. she is my joy. my light...

thancred: i have heard tell that he really leaves behind his initial lothario characterization, and i really have not seen it in forever, which made ARR thancred perfectly fine to me. i was prepared for him to be much more egregious. i wish i knew him a bit better before he got possessed. i was like oh okay! yeah i guess i havent seen him in a while. which made me sad because i love possession storylines i think they are so juicy. his ponytail and rattee (like a ratstache but a goatee) are funny to me. thancred nakey images were funny. there was a moment towards the end of hvw when he came back and i talked to him in ishgard between convos with nobles and he said stuff that was very commiserating and i was like okay i have decided you and my WoL are complaining friends. sipping the haterade together. i think he's like 5'7". like with alphinaud, the character development in this game has really surprised me with how effective it feels. i look forward to seeing him grimly yet compassionately fail forward even more. and to be a single dad. aforementioned mutual (who i know through klapollo) is into thancred/urianger so im also looking forward to confining them into the yaoi compartment

cid: HE IS MY FRIEND :) i love how he's a short king. i like how he was simply like "fascism and imperialism are bad. i am going to go fight against it by building big airships :)" no qualms no struggle just knew what was right and went and did it. he's like a gay older coworker who you go out for drinks with sometimes and invites you to barbeques. i enjoy him and nero's turbodivorce saga.

alisaie: i completely forgot to do all the bahamut raids in ARR so when she showed up post-hvw i was like oh it's time for the girltwin! and she was like "oh we've worked together already :)" and i was like oh god. we only had one conversation. oops. so far i think she's a delight. i have heard that she's a bit of a lesbo. good for her. love that she gets a sword and she gets to be the mean one of the two twins. i cant wait for her little red jacket. looking forward to more >:)

krile: have not seen much of her so far but i LOVE how she has a cloak with cat ears, so cute. LOVE how she teases alphinaud. im like yes... shared character history... quite fun...

ysayle: I LOVE YOU DRAGON ELSAGARD I LOVE YOUUUUUU BIIIIIIIIITCH... I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. i love her style. i love her political convictions. i love her gap moe with the moogles. i think my WoL had a crush on her. i think it's messed up that during the scene where the WoL and alphinaud are prying the eyes off of estinien, she touches alphinaud's hand. she should be touching MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!! all love to haurchefaunt but I BONDED WITH HER.

estinien: i know many people like estinien. every time he spoke a word at ysayle i felt like a barking like her guard dog. DONT YOU SPEAK TO MY GIRL IN THAT TONE YOU BROODYBOY SMELLMAN. SHUT UP. i assume he softens up now that he is retired from All That. i thought his relationship with alphinaud was very sweet - i liked when he taught alphinaud how to gather firewood. i think my WoL only tolerates estinien because alphinaud is so attached.

haurchefant: i was still barely reading dialogue in ARR when he was introduced. so he showed up and was like OMG HI AGAIN BESTIE!!!!!! and i was like oh! that man! one of my friends is gaymarried to him so he's like my gay brother-in-law. i am a lesbian and my WoL is also a lesbian so we were hagging/tyking (dyke tyke) out with each other. the facial animation on the WoL when he croaks was astoundingly good. i call him horsey

aymeric: well he certainly is competent, principled, and nice. one of the more handsome elezen men in the game. i know he's implied playersexual so i really need him to stop inviting me to dinner because i have had conversations with dude friends like that before and it is so painfully awkward. i think it is great that he committed fratricide AND popecide. wahoo!

lyse: i really enjoyed yda. yknow. i thought she was such a fun cockney karate bimbo. i didn't know she was lyse. i've heard about lyse. and how she is conspicuously the only blonde blue-eyed ala mhigan. and how she is a source of some of the collar-tugging politics in stormblood. sigh. so. i am now burdened with her.

raubahn: I LOVE RAUBAHNNNNNNNNNN I LOVE HIMMMM i love how he has a small adult son. i love how he is trying so hard. i love how he is so righteous and hardworking. the misery lolorito and ilberd put him through during hvw made me so mad on his behalf. when lolorito was like "oh, how we laughed at how upset you were!" i was like RAUBAHN. HE IS THE PERFECT HEIGHT FOR YOU TO JUST PUNT ACROSS THE TOWN SQUARE. PUNT HIM RAUBAHN. YOU DESERVE IT. and i love a one-armed king. kurogane swag

lucia: i think she is cool and fun. hahaha dont potentially be in love with aymeric queen youre so hot and cool and butch

matoya: SHE'S SO COOL. I LOVE HER DESIGN. HER VOICE ACTING. AND HER RUDENESS. AND OF COURSE THE FROGS

moenbryda: i thought she was so fun and cool. i was like cool!! new character!! big funny woman i love it!! and then near bluefog she dished about her childhood a little and i was like... is that a deathflag. and it was :(

okay thats all the npcs i can think to have anything to say about.

i was pleasantly surprised by the way that lalafells are not the lolibait/shotabait i had grimly prepared for them to be. they are just short funny guys for the most part. moving past that, i then got slammed into by the giant brick that says "BEAST TRIBES". i heard that the new writer has made their writing a lot better (apparently the alliance leaders acknowledge that they have been basically been doing genocide on these sentient beings, which is helping me push forward through stuff)! i do their quests really regularly because i like helping them out. i would really love to see someone with more expertise on the subject write about the presentation of indigenous peoples in ffxiv, because i think that there is a lot going on that is vital to critically inspect.

i have to go eat dinner now. but i will try to post more thoughts on here as i have them >:)

#chirps #long post #ffxiv

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thetenamongstthesethrees · 2 years ago

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TW: REFERENCE TO SH AND RELAPSE OF SH AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Ok so ik ive been inactive for a *WHILE* and im srry for that but like i have a buncha things that happened these past 3 months that I NEED To share SOOOO....

First things first, the one im most excited abt: I DID MY FIRST PERFORMANCE!!! My school was doing little mermaid jr and I got Scuttle! I was really happy to get my first role and getting at least one solo, and Im just happy overall on how it went! I think I did really good on my first try! Only bad thing was that now im kinda going through my lil mermaid hyperfixation and have been looking up fics where Sebastian and Ariel kinda have a Father/Parental Figure-Daughter or Older Brother-Younger (stupid but ultimately well meaning) Sister dynamic and have started to write a fic on that bc no ones done it before apparently😒(im going cray cray, bonkers mayhaps)

Might've gotten my eye infected(I live in the east of the us, new york to be more specific and woke up the day after the "live vintage (BLAME CANADA/j) filter" with my right eyes nerves slightly more irritated and haven't gotten that checked out so thats fun)

FINALLY finished that one drawing ive been making for 3 MONTHS.(well, technically....)

Almost done writing my passion project, AKA the one I originally wanted to make into an animated series but have settled for a book just in case that can't happen! I still need to work out some kinks, design more outfits, get all their personalities in check, make sure the world and magic is fully fleshed out, ect.

I also do band, and while I originally thought that I would have a problem bc of both band and theatres close scheduling(i originally had dress rehearsal on june 2nd, AND my band concert on June 2nd) but it all worked out in the end! My band concert went great, and while the dress rehearsal was a mess, we at least got through it! :)

Unintentionally quit SH! I was originally only meant to stop until AFTER performances, but ive been bettering myself and learned that if I ever want to forgive myself or at least move on I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself and not forget nor forgive, but remember, i just can't let it haunt me. I know I'll relapse, I always do eventually, but I want to enjoy these few moments of mental "clarity" while I can. I've also learned that for some reason i tend to become a more terrible person and despicable person the more time I spend at home with my mother, so that's fun. God, I hate America's education system, its messed me up BAD. AND the foster care system. I just tried to kms 2 times today, and she didn't even notice, or care. How sad is that?

On a lighter note, yes, as the rest of yt and TikTok, I got a minor lil hyperfixation on the Lorax and really think ppl should make more [PLATONIC] Lorax and Onceler dynamics, mainly the type where they're like some really annoying pair of bickering siblings or a father whos sick of his adopted child's shit, like there is so much on the table for platonic fluff and angst and most of what I've seen is romantic smut and fluff like CHANGE IT UP A LIL

Also, Ive been going to karaoke centers on Tuesdays and have become a lot more confident to performing in front of ppl! So far, I've performed "All You Wanna Do", "The Ballad of Jane Doe", "Heart of Stone", and am gonna do "What the World Needs" the next upcoming Tuesday, where I'm gonna try interacting with the audience while singing!!

(Also, before I end this....I may have ADHD??? my teacher who has ADHD says some of my behavior is "similar to hers"(i feel like thats just her way of saying i reek of neurodivergency) and I also did some research and I display similar/exact behaviors listed, have taken online tests from doctorate confirmed sites and basically all of them said to go get a diagnosis. I also found I do a few behaviors similar to stimming! Also also, I kinda suspect a lil more bc my mom has Autism and apparently sometimes neurodivergency is biological (i forgor the word) but my mom is kinda in denial abt my Depression diagnosis and thinks I got anxiety "biologically", so if I tell her I wanna get tested for ADHD shes just kinda gonna gaslight me into not believing that and i already told the school therapist and basically she just told me that I'm probably just imagining things or copying behaviors from my mother and that "kids like to give themselves all these titles nowadays" so I just did what I always do which is to keep it shut and act until they think you fell in line)

So yeah, thats all! Thanks for reading, now that my schedule is clear again ima start posting more frequently again, so be aware :) <3333

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patchdotexe · 2 years ago

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ok heck it uhhh stickmolus

(this is still one of my fav drawings for it. the guuuyyyys)

it is! a Henry Stickmin au! taking place in our Limoliverse setting, which is the catch-all name for.. several stories we haven't made any content of except character designs and incoherent tumblr posts. um. hm. WELL the part that matters is that everybody is aliens!

it's a very loose adaption of the whole series, except with the twist being that henry is jumping between routes willy-nilly and potentially even creating brand new ones as he goes thanks to breaking things in unexpected ways. you know how it is with spaghetti. also there's a lot of background worldbuilding that we are very bad at actually implementing

(also it has an askblog! @stickmolus is in a weird limbo state on account of the exhaustion and my difficulty to keep up an ongoing interactive project, but its fun to read and i still think about picking it back up. i want to so bad. i am my own worst enemy)

quick hits:

Henry is.. something! nobody knows what his species is, including himself. he just straight up spawned one day and immediately began doing crime. this immediately got the attention of the CCC, especially once he started pulling out every power and item out of his back pocket and launching between timelines at random.

everyone's response to him is some form of panic on account of him being an Unauthorized Fucking Thing. speaks english but also writes in minecraft galactic and can make nether portal noises. he's not mute but there's a pretty big language barrier he's trying to work around and when he is able to talk to people he's pretty sparse with words. his head is weirdly shaped and i admire max's ability to actually Make A Whole Ass Sculpture Of This Guy oh my god i just looked over at my shelf and got emotional

i did animation memes with all 3 of triple threat and henry's is RENARD!

Charles is a pilot for the Limolian military and is certified in both air and space travel! good for him. he's a limolus, which is kinda the "mascot species" for the setting seeing as its. named after them. they've got your basic run-of-the-mill psychic powers tropes and are heavily inspired by Giegue from the Mother series! i could talk about them for a very long time. LET'S TALK ABOUT CHARLES.

charles was stationed on earth for a while and as a result is considered kinda Weird because he picked up a lot of earth culture stuff. he's fluent in both english and lilio so he's henry's translator, although his translation is pretty loose and skips details and basically he is not reliable no matter how hard he tries. i love him

his animation meme is BAM BAM! and it was really really fun to make. i love drawing charles i love thinking abt charles he is My Boy

ELLIE oh my god this drawing doesnt have her tattoos. what the hell. ellie is ALSO a limolus! they can be colours besides red its just that ellie and charles are both red. anyway. she's very good at telekinesis because canon ellie already uses the force, so that's her solution to most problems. her relationship with henry is a bit rockier from the get-go due to a communication barrier on Several Levels, but theyre able to get along! ..in some routes. oops.

uhhhh she's actually got some pretty intense backstory that hasnt come up yet because Ellie Has Not Appeared On The Blog At All for the love of god why did i pick the order i did its gonna be FOREVER until we see ellie AUGH. but she got locked up in the wall for some Pretty Serious Crimes (like uh. treason?) and even in timelines where she joins up with charles there's some friction because of that.

her animation meme is Wolf in Frenzy which is probably the best one ive made so far ngl

Reginald's anatomy is terrible and i hate drawing him. also he's a musae, which are very long/tall and very venomous. the toppats overall are a ragtag group of people of various species and various backgrounds, in stark contrast to the govt which is like 90% limoli. also he's a pathetic noodle of a man but that doesn't stop him from being a tricky bastard

i didn't animate him but he shows up in RENARD for like 5 seconds if that counts

uuhhhh also i have a "#stickmolus au" tag. which is probably pretty incoherent. im tired

#leo chirps #ell.txt #long post #stickmolus au #limoliverse

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lotusmi · 2 years ago

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lotusmiiii i need your help again (im the anon that was asking for help because of the desired life list that people at my mental hospital saw as well as my mom)

lately ive been trying to take your advice and tell myself that i didn’t happen but lately my life has been going downhill… i decided to place a password on the dream life list on the notes app but somehow the password that i always use doesnt work and i cant reset it because of security things apple put in place) and idk what to do. i feel like im cursed with some bad luck for wanting to change everything in my life, i feel like my mom is trying to get into everything including my thoughts and idk what to do. i just feel very stuck. i tried to figure it out myself and try to find out what i can do but idk atp. i feel like i wasnt meant to manifest my dream life. i really dont know what to do- sorry for coming to you about this again but i really dont know what to do. manifesting my dream life was my only hope in life and i just feel so hopeless atp. like everytime i try to manifest something it just feels like people are laughing in my head for believing in manifestation and trying to change my entire life and my mom is just sitting in the corner of my thoughts laughing aswell... i really need some advice (btw im really sorry for coming to you about this again)

just assume you have the password. I once had problems with my instagram and i could not open it. Then I closed my eyes and assumed it would work and saw it working in my imagination and then it opened.

About all of that- omg soo much information. At first place, you don't have to accept this feeling. Ask yourself, does it even make sense? You don't want to feel like that, right? How you want to feel then?

I am sorry but I don't really am good giving advices when it comes to personal things, there are some things that only you can find the answer within yourself. And I don't really understood what should I advice here. Just know that no one can judge you in the mind, only yourself.

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roseriot2191 · 1 year ago

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Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

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