#i trust him though idk i just get a feeling
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Sebastian Sallow Headcanons
Shitty attempt at headcanons for my morally gray, stubborn Sebby boy in Sebastian Sallow Fucking Sucks. It's long for literally no reason besides I don't know how to shut up.
My Seb has gone through it. He suffers - but he also deserves it for that whole "ignorant" outburst days after what happened in the Restricted Section on the night of the Yule Ball. So yeah, he's begging for forgiveness by the end when he realizes how torn he and MC's relationship has become - not without stubbornly trying to get under her skin first.
This idiot constantly wears tight clothes - not because he knows it drives MC insane, though if he noticed, it would get much much worse for her lol- but it's because he's so damn messy he grabs the first clean thing he can find in the morning (slutty little vests, tight sweaters, button downs with stressing buttons - RIP MC).
Reading glasses - enough said.
He's an extremely adept magic wielder. Not only can he cast multiple Unforgivables with shorter cooldowns, but his spells are obscenely strong. MC has not been able to beat him in a duel since that very first time.
That being said, he can't cast a patronus because he's a sad emo boy.
Fav spell: Confringo. Secret fav spell: Imperio.
It's not with the times, but he would definitely listen to metal music. You can't convince me otherwise.
The morally gray/dark wizard line is sooooo veryyyyyy thinnnnnnnn and will get worse.
He doesn't trust aurors and would NEVER BECOME ONE!!!!!!!! Why do ya’ll want him to be a cop so bad??? (Unless he's a dirty cop lol)
Career-wise, he'd be a curse breaker, healer, or a dark wizard 😌
Irrevocably dedicated to the ones he loves, and if he feels its dire enough, he will hurt them to protect them. Trust me on this - for no reason in particular😇
Not opposed to getting on his knees and begging hehehehe...
A skilled healer due to countless hours in the library studying up on a cure for Anne.
Has burned his fingerprints off with too many fire spells. And speaking of his fingers, it's common to spot him with ink staining his skin from all his note taking.
While he's charming and cocky, he sees himself as lesser, dispensable, and directly blames himself for all of his life tragedies.
Anger issues - duh.
Not sure if I'll even get into this in SSFS, but my Seb comes from a family of the Dark Arts - whether he's aware of it or not. We already know Solomon used them. I'd like to think his parents did as well, which is what led to their deaths. The Sallow line is cursed as fuck. Will be exploring this more in a future Dark Seb project where he has to break this curse.
Will make dick jokes. No one is safe.
While he'd make a great beater in Quidditch, his life just doesn't have space for trivial things. He's too busy with murder.
Speaking of body count LOL, he's charmed quite a few witches, but no one has shorted his brain quite like MC. He's intently studied some interesting books in the Restricted Section fantasizing testing out some things.
Idk when his birthday is lol. I'm just agreeing with everyone else.
Seb's relationship with Ominis is interesting....I'll be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if their friendship is going to survive in my world. Seb crosses too many lines. Obliviating your best friend really drives a wedge between you.
THE manipulator. We don't get to see too much of this in SSFS because we're in MC's pov. Particularly because he uses his wiles differently on her. But one of my favorite examples is even as he's mocking her for her poor attempt at lying in the broom closet, he's actively making her anxious (and hot and bothered lol) with that little thread on her sweater. And eventually she slips up. He's such a mother fucker lol.
Okay this post is way too long. I'm gonna leave now lol. BYEEEEE.
#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy sebastian#hogwarts legacy headcanon#sebastian sallow headcanon#hogwarts legacy fanfic#I'm more than aware most of these are common lol#I'm doing my best ok I'm lazy and don't like developing things lol
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Finally playing your turn to die and oh boy I sure hope no one dies despite that literally being exactly what’s gonna fucking happen
#the klock keeps ticking#there has been one death so far#i kiiiinda figured it was gonna be that character cuz they gave the vibe that either theyd die instantly or live forever#i liked them though they were silly#i honestly like all the characters aaaaa im gonna struggle very bad#rn i just got access to the second floor and just opened the kitchen#at this point i can say that this game really is better than dr#i think the art style is pretty good cuz idk its very similar to the dr one except it doesnt fucking suck#i LOVE the brighter colors on the characters#my favorite character is either joe or reko which isnt even kinda surprising ajshka#im drawing joe the absolute second im done#as for my current theories about the kidnappers i definitely think that kai is the person you play as in the very beginning#cuz you just see a pair of hands walking towards sara and sara believes that hes the stalker#i trust him though idk i just get a feeling#definitely curious about sou cuz hes also in that intro and he certainly doesnt seem innocent#im guessing he has something going on with kai like idk i think kai was sent to abduct people or at least sara#i dont think sou is the mastermind exactly but possibly someone who has been in this death game before#or hes one of the dolls#probably not evil or good#or maybe hes just some fucking guy lauurrrr#theres no way he isnt the fan favorite sexyman thats all i gotta say#oh also hot guys in this game yeehaw#no one spoil this game for me 😤
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shep I was talking to my brother about dbhc xisuma as one does and mentioned that ask about not being able to puzzle xisuma's face together mentally and my brother joked that the reason you put the spoiler bars and such on his face is cause you cant draw his whole face yet 😂
anyway I might have talked his ear off about dbhc idk tho lmao
LMAOO NOOOO!!! MY SECRET FINALLY IS OUT!!! /silly
#HEHE thats rly fun though i hope your brother is enjoying the osmosis XD#truthfully... drawing xisuma's face is still really difficult for me... bc he's always like. the character whose personality and character#like. comes from the fact that we never see his face? and so there's something about him that feels more... right when his face is just.#a mystery#but i DO have a facecanon for him. esp for dbhc bc its important. even if when i think Xisuma i don't think of his face the way i might whe#I think of other characters. that isn't the reason why I spoiler it though XD when we get the face reveal it'll be obvious enough. i hope#LMAO.#anyway#idk like#some of the first sketches i did of Xisuma's face will still be my favorites tbh#it's hard to capture the same energy of a rough sketch when you try to sharpen those soft edges into a clean picture yknow?#i HAVE gotten better at it though.... square-ish face but soft on the edges... kind blue eyes... hair always tied back tightly and neatly#idk. i think about him a LOT#especially lately but we knew this hehehe#i think he deserves to take the helmet off every once and a while and just. breathe and get out of his own head yknow#i think he gets better at it in s9 even if he only takes it off around people he really trusts (keralis and cleo)#not that doc hasnt seen him or that he distrusts doc but... well. that whole relationship is a work in progress since season 8 was. well#anyway im really and truly rambling <3#xisumas face is both an enigma to me and a soft sturdy shape in my brain... its hard to replicate consistently but those doodles are#just for me anyway =w= <3#(and a few select others. who Know. you know who you are)
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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“go to hell” is basic. “i hope you have the opportunity to write a romatically dense character in a situation where even you can see the other characters romantic sense” is smart. it’s possible. it’s terrifying
#❛ ♡ › jupiter : 𝐨𝐨𝐜.#insane how i keep on finding such trait haunting me ... got back into a game with my best friend and omg ... the character who i write in#our dynamic came out in leaks like : oh yeah i am avoiding them bc i think they hate me and now idk what to do with this distance ...#even though he ran away and this character spent years. EVEN AFTER THEY FOUGHT last time they spoke! to make sure they were alive.#constantly getting people to check up on him.#this is. uh a common occurance on this blog. a lot of my muses really struggle to see romantic interest in them and. in turn. can take years#in canon material to recognise their villains. not to sound cliche but its not your muses its them#dived into alie.n stage lore and discovered til.ls feelings for iv.an were listed as#unrealized feelings which honestly? i think has opened up a whole world of thoughts and tbh like a whole new way of looking at the dynamics#i hold with my particularly more dense muses and realised yeah? yeah#! that makes sm sense... its not that they werent in love at the same time#(they were and thats why they make some strange decisions. trust)#but did they understand it for what it truly was? maybe#maybe not. the not is more telling bc yeah ... that just makes sense 🫠#anyway good morning! today is definitely a message / gaming day. im going to try and keep an eye out for memes today but after sending#about 20 asks my brain coming up for starter plots is not 100% rn JFSJFJSKFJSJDJ#dynamics on the other hand .. 🥰
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psst any cotl fans wanna hear my hc that i think most civilization outside of the lands of the old faith is relatively advanced ( think like 1910s-1920s during postgame and during the events of the game mid/late 1800s to early 1900s )
#ties into my au hc thing abt there being some surviving sheep that left the lands of the old faith during the slaughtering#i still think theyre relatively scarce compared to the other species in cotl though#anyways when Solange finds out about the sheep she decides to leave the lands of old faith to find them ( idk who's left in charge though )#she doesnt exactly trust the bishops even if the bitterness between her and them has dissipated over the years#and her and Nari have a complicated relationship#oh and kinda tied to this but not really but i have a hc that the other crowns get “ vessels ”#maybe Solange asks them to take care of her flock/cult when she leaves#or goat#i need to finish my updated ref for her bc i have so many things abt her i need to ramble about#one of them being that she doesn't particularly enjoy being a goddess#she also has many mixed feelings about being a cult runner#which is why she refers to it as her “ Flock ” rather than “ Cult ”#also she did know she would have to give up the crown to Nari but she didnt exactly know that she would die#like yea Nari didnt promise her eternal life but Solange assumed after she gave the crown to him she'd just become mortal#also while it wasn't exactly a betrayal Solange took it as one because shes been fucked over before#it kinda goes into dark territory ( attempted SA ) but i think she was sold out to be executed similar to “canon”#ie the graphic novel coming out which has canon Lamb being sold out by a farmer#also sorry for deleting my first solange ref#cotl#cult of the lamb#cosmic chatz
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i miss my ex but i don’t miss the effect he had on me something terrible happens to me when im in a relationship and it just ruins everything
#i just don’t want anyone to have that much power over me again#i feel like i need to do a loooooooot of personal development before i can feel confident that it won’t happen again#it’s just in my nature to do whatever other people want especially if i care about them and want them to be happy#i have to learn how to tone that down though or i’m going to keep ruining my own life over and over on accident#also he was really mean to me and made me feel bad a lot but idk if i’m sensitive or if he was rly mean or maybe both?#i can’t even be friends w him bc i know he will be able to talk me into getting back w him#and it’ll work on me bc i’m really easy to manipulate#so i have to just never see him again. and he was like the only person i spent any time with for years#and at first i was like yay finally i can see other people!!!!!!#and i am still happy about that i don’t want to give that up but i do wish i could have a nice time with him#we have some really nice memories together#i wish he was someone that was still safe for me but he’s not i do not trust him#he also shows me constantly that he doesn’t care about what i want he just wants to be with me and come live w me again#like i really don’t think he gives a fuck about what i want or my wellbeing if it clashes w what he wants then he doesn’t care#he’s been saying a loooooot of stuff to me that makes me very confident that our relationship cannot be repaired
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i think my interview this morning went well!!
#im not trying to speculate on whether or not i think i have the job#but i feel good about how the interview went#i am getting anxious about money again though#and this interview happened during one of the company-wide training days for the second job i just started#bc the first job is uh. i will have had one (1) shift for the entire second pay period of this month#so that one is very much a supplementary 'fill in when needed and wanted' kind of position#but unfortunately i have a conference during ANOTHER training day for the more stable job next weekend.#and i just feel like im somehow showing them that im unreliable?? and that then they will not want to schedule me??#idfk thats the fear talking. practically speaking if they didnt want me they wouldnt hire me. the store manager and the dm both#said that it's not a big deal so i will do my best to trust them#hhhhhh i have a tour booked for an apartment next tuesday afternoon and i hope . ?? i can wiggle my way in to another training sesh next we#idk if thats something i can request or try to suggest w my store manager or if i have to wait on him to get to me about it#but i will find out on monday when theres the next session that i can make#blah blah blah
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Well, I’m still glad that Gojo was always a character who was growing and learning at least. He’s literally one of my favorite characters of all time now. Like, he’s never been as perfect as how the fans would make him out to be despite canonically being viewed as an absolute nuisance to everyone around him (I don’t think his peers necessarily hate him but a lot of them probably hate to see him coming and the ones who’ve dealt with him long enough to consider him a friend, tolerate him and groan whenever he opens his mouth, too 😭… out of love. He’s extremely childish so there is only sm the other adults around him can take and to an extent, his students. I think the only characters in canon who adore him and their eye’s sparkle whenever he’s around, and being a silly teacher was Yuuji and Miwa (she asked him for his autograph (he’s the most famous sorcerer in the jjk world) and when she was alone, she did a little dance in the empty hallway 🥺…) from what we’ve seen even though the others still care about him, too. They just find him rather annoying, which he most definitely is. And he does it on purpose. He plays too much.)
#I’m also not usually one to get annoyed whenever ppl shit on the things I like#like I’m an adult sorry idc 😵💫#but it’s always annoying seeing ppl who know nothing about the story complaining about it#even just as recently with the Gojo being racist shit 😭..#like he’s a really great character despite all of that and even though Gege’s#execution of that could’ve been better or didn’t need to happen at all#because idk what gege was doing even though I do strongly believe that he used a moment like this to showcase Gojo’s ignorance and#that how he’s also human and makes mistakes since if you’re familiar with the series Gojo isn’t really treated like person at all#more like a deity and he doesn’t like that#but he’s never been one to voice his personal feelings and talk about his trauma ever#he gets treated like a god and because of this he’s never felt like he could truly connect with other people#so that’s why he puts on that whole act of being overly friendly/ playing with others and even rude to shut others out because of his#aversion to opening his traumatized self To other ppl like he’s so cool#and when he’s friendly he gives the others just enough of his affection so that he wouldn’t be worried about and not have others pry#but he’s incredibly flawed as well#I feel like gege could’ve showed Gojo being ‘humbled’ some other kind of way over the racism tho 😭. But it’s fine lmfao#I’m still so grateful that he had Gojo actually apologize instead of waving Miguel off like he didn’t matter because like I’ve said before#he literally never apologizes (this is probably the first time that I’ve ever seen gojo apologize to anyone in canon I’m so serious 🗿)#that’s literally not part of him#like he feels regret but he never apologies or shows that he actually cares about what others are expressing to him when they’re upset with#him. like this is crazy. but it shows that he did care about the mistake that he made which I appreciate…. like idk how I would’ve felt#about his character if he showed that he could care less when hurting someone like this🗿…..#I adore him so much sorry sorry for taking about anime I’m just 😭…. ❤️❤️❤️#rambling#I’m glad that everyone is fucking with Miguel now because he is a really interesting character even though we haven’t seen much of him#he’s one of the few ppl who Gojo trusted enough to look after someone who he cared about despite the horrors#because he knew that Miguel would protect yuuta and do right by him#it’s very 😭❤️…
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i finished five broken blades
#and.....six of crows has yet to be topped#it's funny how every time a pair of unlikely people have to be paired up for a dangerous mission it's alwayssss compared to soc#and the comparison just never holds up#i am so baffled that this is an adult book bc the writing style was incredibly juvenile. very repetitive. a lot of telling not showing#six of crows had better character work By Far. i really felt who each of those characters were. and i felt how they bonded over time#in this book it was like. there's a bubbly quirky girl and the author's attempts at making her so made me cringe#it was very heavy handed#i could see what she wanted each character to be like but the execution was just not it#there was a part halfway through after they all finally met up where something happened and they had to work together to save someone#and in each character's pov it was just like 'they'd killed and lied for each other' 'they were family beyond blood'#and i was like ??? that's it???? idk i never felt them growing closer to each other. it's like the author relied more on telling us rather#than showing it#and then the romance..... don't get me started on the romance it was so poorly done almost like insta-love???#there was just no time for the feelings to develop it happened so quickly#i wasn't impressed at all#and like. i guess my main problem is too much showing not enough telling#'i can't trust her' 'i can't trust him' 'no one around me can be trusted'#it was so repetitive like okay i get it!!! but i wanted to Feel it. i wanted to feel the messiness and ugliness of this distrust#'we killed and bled for one another'👍🆗#when they all met with each other halfway through i got excited like yessss it's going to be ugly and nasty now i need them to be Messy#esp since this is an adult book i was really looking forward to new levels of debauchery but it was So tame and vanilla????#sure they killed people but nothing was even remotely close to the level of when kaz plucked out that guy's eyeball :(#that was vicious. we all still remember that. i expected that in this book but no....#can't believe six of crows is ya and it's superior to this supposedly adult book#let me list the good things though. it ws a super fast read at 500 pages#and i had no problem distinguishing the 6 povs from each other#and the climax was thrilling my heart pounded all throughout
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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute
#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys#i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my#head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it#may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it#dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt#equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there#like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he#doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be#like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in#ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get#herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you#like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his#actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior#idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be#i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around#blah#sui sq
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so . how we feeling after zam and subz’ streams .
#van speaks#i rambled on my instagram but i’ll also put my thoughts here#i assumed zam would leave eclipse but the way he did holyyyyy fuck#him and vi are enemies now. sheds tear. subz/am still winning though a little with the shield and trust apple#btw i’m soooo curious why subz just had that shield like . it’s the same as the eclipse shield but instead of black it’s white#ourples are gonna go on a full villain arc so that’s really fun but i’m also scared bc zam is my Guy yknow and vi’s attention is now on him#also don’t get me wrong u guys know i adore 3ht but for some reason zam teaming with them feels weird to me. bad weird and i don’t know why#maybe it’s just because he broke up with eclipse the way he did but it just feels weird to me and i can’t explain it#i don’t think 3ht has any bad intentions or anything of the sort— if anything they’re some of the most moral ppl on the server considering#they don’t obtain and use illegal items— but in my chest it just feels bad. idk it’s all weird#i really wish zam didn’t leave eclipse like that. even with vi lying and stuff he did genuinely care for zam and idk mannn i just feel T_T
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Ok, but like. The agent's Nar Shaddaa mission had to have been about 80% unsanctioned, right? Like, yeah, go find out about and dismantle any terror cell on Nar Shaddaa, by whatever means you deem best, yes. But the means being "collaborate with a former Watcher who so deeply traumatized the rest of the Agency that they can't even talk about what happened but they thank you if you kill him" can't have been like. "plan a."
#swtor imperial agent#i really deeply feel that watcher x and watcher two have a past together#even if she wasn't at all connected to the ops that Went Wrong and eventually got him 'retired'#i think there's hero-worship there and a fear of becoming him#and a need to prove that surely she doesn't actually have anything to worry about#and sure maybe he did one bad thing (or a series of bad things)#but the conditioning is still there and still right. and the empire is still right.... right?#agent narsh is just watcher two trying to prove to herself that Everything Is Okay#and then everything backfiring spectacularly#if you couldn't trust me why would imperial intelligence give us this assignment - i don't think they did#i think watcher two did because she wants so badly to believe that even though watcher x Went Wrong he's still the Watcher she admired#and yes yes i'm sure watchers are given a large degree of freedom in terms of what specific assignments they send their agents on#but as much as she likes what's proper and 'the rules' idk if she actually got the official go-ahead on this one#like. keeper's got his hands full anyway dealing with. yaknow. everything falling apart.#she can justify not getting his signature on every little thing if it's gonna cause him more hassle to make him sign off#so ask for forgiveness instead of permission when her brilliant plan works because surely it's going to work#watcher x makes her skin crawl but her cipher is Very Good#and he's the watcher she always dreamed of being#so it has to be the right call to pair them up. right?#sorry for writing a novel in the tags but you know it is with imperial agent replays
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when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance
#my brother had good intentions telling me but also like. i have been tearing up all night and when i tried to explain my reservations to him#i just felt stupid so its. mm. this sucks#its also weird bc like. guuuhhgg i had a weird Thing a while ago that was apparently really bad i guess#so it feels like. idk. my mother trying to 'fix' that with this. so i feel like i cant say no to it#(especially bc she doesnt know i kinda know about it)#but its also like. well. when it happens i might really really freak out badly and that would ruin things for everyone. right.#kind of feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place here bc like i WANT to talk to my mother abt this but also again she doesnt know#that i know and i dont want her to be disappointed that my brother said something to me. even though i dont know what the surprise is#just that there is one planned#also in recent years ive realized i get i suppose anxious when people get me gifts i havent Asked for#so surprises like this arent really my thing anymore. i think when i was a kid i mostly wanted one bc in tv shows theres always a lot#of people there for it and i was a lonely child.#anyway i realize this is something of a stupid thing to complain about#in my defense i feel like a lot of things that should be 'about me'#(however self centered that sounds. it makes me wince to say trust me.)#are made to be more about other people namely my immediate family.#so like my gender isnt about me its about how my mother feels about it. and my birthday isnt about me its about other people celebrating it#again ik ik its a stupid complaint. just saying that because of that *points up* which ive been feeling for nearly 10 years now#its all a bit of a tender bruise. emotionally speaking. for me.#personal
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Finished Six of Crows.
#sill talks about stuff#sill reviews things#saw the cliffhanger for a long time so I wasn't too surprised when it actually happened#also I think I figured out why I'm not completely on board with the Kaz/Inej ship#I think its because of this trope of the dark evil dude tm who is closed up and doesn't trust care for anyone#now carrying for one person#but its romantic#like idk its the aromantic in me but I don't like how prominent the romantic aspect of it is#though to be fair Im just very nitpicky here#lbfad had a similar set up but I guess there dfqc also had some other people he cared about#(who weren't dead)#and Im sure Kaz goes through development tm in the second book so ehh I guess its alright#I think the second problem is that I don't care too much about Inej#she feels like a character I read a million times before I just don't have the strongest feelings about her#like I like her#but not too the extent I would like#And its not like Kaz doesn't represent an archetype I encountered many times#but he has the benefit of me actually liking that archetype plus him standing out in different areas#its all better than Wylan who was such a minor character he didn't even get his own Pov?#still love Matthias#and I didn't mention them yet but nina and jesper are cool as well#I know Im complaining a lot#I gave it 4/5 stars okay I did actually like it
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