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chrysanthemumpink · 2 years ago

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I'm starting to feel like it doesn't really matter. It never matters. It's the same when we're fighting and the same when we're good.

I feel like I'm always alone, like I have no friends, and begging for anyone to talk to me. Which is crazy way for someone in a relationship to feel

Sidenote, once you're older than 25, it gets very difficult to make friends. It's almost like the world pushes for you to have the closest and most intimate relationship with your partner. And that you almost have to prioritize the romantic relationship over any other kinds of connections. So what ends up happening is that it's difficult to make friends with people because they have different priorities while most social events assume that you are with someone else...most likely a boo. Ironically, it's much easier to find a romantic or sexual partner than it is a long-term friendship

But back to me. I know I moved up here alone. I knew I would've have anyone when I got here. When I moved, I understood that there'd be no one there to just chat. Not even when I desperately needed it.

And I just wish that he would call me every day or every other day. Even more so, I wish he could see just how much I need that from him. I mean...I don't have anyone. Even though I'm in this relationship, I don't have anyone.

And honestly, I'm getting tired of feeling that way. Part of me thinks that I don't have too. It's a long shot but I can find someone else, right? Someone that won't make me feel like I'm alone, even when they are in the room.

Off topic, but I grew up heavily religious. I'm still a very spiritual person though I'm far from a fundamentalist. And it's been difficult lately...very difficult. I've struggled with mental health for a long time but it's getting to the point where I don't see myself making it to 30. I'm 27 & truthfully, 28 doesn't seem guaranteed. He doesnt know that. But if he ever, idk, considered that maybe theres a reason I ask for certain things, he would. And that maybe there's a reason I really struggle with the way he just doesn't seem to really care whether I exist or not.

Anyway, I've been fasting for a week now. Might as well try the spiritual route because not much else is working. He does not care much about the fast either but for a moment this isn't about him. I feel alone. And like there's nothing connecting me to the world. Frankly, the world doesn't seem too interested in connecting with me. Quite the opposite. So I did this fast to ask myself the following: "Can my spirit and will sustain me when the external world can't or just doesn't want too."

(On the flip side, that's also one of the reasons I try not to push too hard for affection. He can never know the truth. I would never do something like that to him.)

Idk, I figured fasting from external sustenance would ignite some version of internal sustenance. The first 3 days were 18 hours. These last 2 days have been 24 hour fasts. It was actually much more difficult than I thought it would be. I had no idea that *not eating* can cause vomiting.

But the fast is over in 2 hours. I did it. I managed to rely fully on my spirituality and my own self. And now, he just looks so small in comparison. My disappointment in his lack of effort far outweighs any of the appreciation I have for the effort that does exist.

And I know I'm being harsh. He's not in the states right now. He has an app just to talk to me. He's busy and he wouldn't respond to anything if he didn't care. I tell him to send me pictures and he does. But...it's so unsatisfying. 2 messages a day at most. None of it is a conversation. I know he gets off at 9 and it'd be nice if he would call...at 9. Instead of a message, the a reply, that may or may not be answered. I'm not saying he doesn't have a reason to not be putting in effort. I just think it's a fairly reasonable for a partner to want/*need* a conversation every day when the other partner is literally in a foreign country. my issues aside, the least a partner can do is say they're still alive and how it's going.

I do see his point of view so I'll give it one last chance. When he comes back, I can try to make it work again. And I won't even tell him, lord knows he's too busy to deal with it. I'll just keep it to myself how much I don't want to deal with it anymore. And maybe he'll prove me wrong.

But right now, Ive become more assured in the things that will see me through whatever life lies ahead of me. And I see how little concern or difference our lives effect one another. And well, I just can't afford the feelings he inspires and I can't help but fantasize about what it'd be like to do something crazy like hug 8 times a day

#leo x pisces

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4ever-untitled · 7 years ago

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My Favorite 20 albums of 2017!

Do these things really need an introduction? This year sucked once again, so let’s just focus on the good music that happened okay? Without further ado, my favorite 20 albums of 2017:

Honorable mentions

St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

Rapsody - Laila’s Wisdom

Blanck Mass - World Eater

Kesha - Rainbow

Pond - The Weather

Rostam - Half-Light

Birthing Hips - Urge To Merge

20. Alex G - Rocket

“Incoherent” is a word I suppose you could use to describe Rocket, the seventh album from Alex Giannascoli, but I prefer the term “idea-full”. When your head is full of shit to say, it’s not all gonna come out as a simple little guitar ditty. It might come out as a strange looping piano ballad, or even a Death Grips-esque noise rap track. What I’m saying is, feelings are complex and hard to pin down, and Alex G does his best to wrestle with them on here. It’s a balls-to-the-wall, heart-on-your-sleeve country/folk/rock/noise odyssey that feels immensely personal and universal at the same time. Incoherent? Hey, aren’t we all?

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPuxLpVus-k

19. Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

Everyone’s doing trap. Everyone’s doing mumble rap with the Migos flow. Fuck rattling high hats. Fuck ad-libs. Big Fish Theory was an important statement this year; a high profile rapper who teamed up with some underground electronic music producers (not beat makers) to make something truly unique that tried to give the hip-hop envelope a little shove. Here’s the thing though: it still goes really REALLY hard. Vince took a lot of risks on Big Fish Theory, songwriting and production wise, and the results speak for themselves.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6iAzyhm0p0

18. Mount Kimbie - Love What Survives

Sometimes cold, nearly inhuman music can be some of the most emotionally potent. Radiohead's Kid A comes to mind. Albums that are unflinchingly ugly in their worldview and take every effort to make the music sound like it was created against their will, or perhaps by some machine. Love What Survives manages to sound distant, even otherworldly, and yet also jam packed with feeling. Electronic music has an inherent disconnect to it, like the listener was never considered in the first place, but Mount Kimbie manages to put a great amount of humanity to their throbbing electro post-punk. The results, a mix of electronic bleakness and a rich emotional core, are extraordinarily potent front to back, with excellent vocal performances from some of indie music's most unique voices. Mount Kimbie puts humanity into ugly music because, when you take a good look at it, life as a human is pretty damn ugly.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1kzMFnFSh0

17. Neil Cicierega - Mouth Moods

(Read my full review here) Yes, I’m serious. You know why I’m serious? Because everyone has their thing. We all have our little niche that we fulfill in this world. We all have something we’re good at. Neil Cicerega’s niche (while he is multi-talented) is making mashup albums, and I’ll be damned if he’s not the best at it. With this, his third installment in the Mouth series, Neil has made the mashup a form of high art. The lines between ironic enjoyment and genuine appreciation are blurred as songs you’ve become familiar with are chopped and screwed and combined in a way that seems in one sense horrific, but in another sense totally amazing. Mouth Moods is hilarious and incredibly enjoyable, but after a couple listens, you don’t listen to laugh, you listen to appreciate. A lot of time and care went into these tracks, and the mere idea of some of these combinations are commendable in their own right (AC/DC’s ”Back in Black” and Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” absolutely should not work together, and yet...) This is some of the most fun I’ve had with an album this year, and many moments left me genuinely very impressed, so I’d say that more than justifies it being on this list. It’s not just a meme. This is good music, whether you like it or not.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsoCe7C4Kmk

16. milo - who told you to think??!!??!!??

“I don’t even really have to rap/my nigga, it’s about if you can talk good” proclaims Milo on so the flies don’t come cut “A Song About a Raygunn (An Ode To Driver)”, and on who told you to think, it seems he’s begun talking really good. Milo’s lyricism on flies was poetic, but what he does here on the follow up is straight-up poetry. Less focus on hooks and beats (though those are also very good) and more focus on the words. He seems like the kind of person who obsesses over every syllable, and will never throw in a bar that doesn’t mean the world to him. Milo’s meticulous and abstract style makes diving into his lyrics an absolute blast. He’s a rapper for kids who are tired of hearing about bitches and hoes and want more Shakespeare references and terms that they have to look up in the regular dictionary rather than the urban one. High poetry over a beat. The essence of hip-hop.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mMOsl8qpfc

15. Richard Dawson - Peasant

I, and I’m am sure many others, would file this album in the same category as Joanna Newsom’s Ys. What category is that you ask? Lyrics and melodies that exude a sense of adventure, song structures that meander and drift like waves on the ocean, and stories that feel like mini epics. It doesn’t have a name, but it’s a damn exciting little nook of music that isn’t heard often, and Dawson nails it. Listening to this thing really does feel like a journey; one that’s constantly evolving and never ever boring. Dawson appears to have some sort of fascination with medieval storytelling and instrumentation. But don’t worry, this thing doesn’t sound like Renaissance Fair music. It has a great sense of modern experimentation and loose song structure that differentiates it from actual medieval music, and from pretty much anyone else making folk music right now. It’s an ambitious and wildly fun freak folk album that will draw you in with both its story and its charisma.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7iW5OEeCUw

14. Remo Drive - Greatest Hits

Aw man I miss being in a band in high school. We were one of the smart ones who weren’t under the illusion that “getting big” would be easy if we just really wanted it. We were just in it for fun. Remo Drive, a Minnesotan emo band, are some young whippersnappers who were in the same boat as me in high school, but through some good promotion (including a shoutout from a certain popular music nerd), the boys made it big. I’d be jealous if these guys didn’t completely deserve their success. Okay well, I’m still a little jealous. Regardless, Greatest Hits is a remarkably good debut, and one that has given emo kids around the country something new to latch onto and rightfully obsess over. Is it perfect? No. There are still kinks to work out. But I fucking love this thing and, considering this is their debut album, they can only get better and will hopefully one day become one of the emo greats. Just a prediction though. Maybe they’ll totally blow it. That would suck, but at least we’ll always have the awesome soaring hooks of Greatest Hits to re-listen to over and over and over. And over.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kaMiIaT-sg

13. SZA - Ctrl

Love in 2017 is a weird thing. Everyone's so sex positive (which is a great thing!) that more people are open to hookups or being friends with benefits. That's all good and fun, but it can potentially lead to a lot of hurt feelings and heartbreak if there is a lack of communication. Modern music likes to pretend this isn't the case and that we're all out there trying to find a soulmate, but SZA knows what's really going on. She's tired of being used, and she's not afraid to call out shitty behavior by the men in her life. As you could probably guess, this album is very sexual. In fact, “Doves In The Wind” features the word "pussy" exactly 27 times. But sex and relationships is topic that needs to be discussed in 2017, especially from the female perspective. Having a casual hookup can be awkward and being sexually adventurous sometimes leaves something to be desired; a deep connection with another human being. It's not easy, but it's something worth fighting for. SZA tackles all this with a unique flow and swagger, while still keeping herself vulnerable enough for the listeners to connect to her struggle, which is one the most relatable struggles for young people today: have fun and be casual, or try to find something serious? What Ctrl teaches us is that the answer will only come if you try both, inevitably fail, and then learn from your mistakes. Maybe make a great album about it while you’re at it.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMD63TwzB1o

12. Open Mike Eagle - Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

Your childhood home is more than just 4 walls with a floor and a ceiling. Your childhood home is your childhood. Every memory, good or bad, significant or minor, revolves around your home. Mike Eagle’s childhood home, the Robert Taylor Homes in Chicago, was demolished several years ago. Using this symbolic destruction, Open Mike Eagle crafted a subtly ambitious and low-key concept album. He uses it is a jumping off point for insightful takes on life for poor minorities in big cities. He also takes time to reminisce on his memories of the projects, both good and bad. It's intimate, smart, and breezy. But most importantly, it's a meaningful exploration on what it really means to be at home.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQxXubLTIBw

11. Fleet Foxes - Crack-Up

Six years may feel like a long time to wait for an album, but the scope and ambition of Crack-Up justifies it. This is Fleet Foxes’ most dense and intricate album, and one that takes a few listens to fully digest, but also rewards multiple listens with it’s lush soundscapes that reveal a little more of themselves each time. People who, like me, felt that Helplessness Blues was near perfection may not completely vibe with this, but I think that if you truly sit down and give this album a chance, you’ll find a deep beauty to it that’s just as satisfying as anything the band has ever made. It really does feel like an album that would take six whole years to make.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GqgNebPm50

10. Brockhampton - SATURATION Trilogy

In a decade or so when I’m looking back at music through the years, I’ll think about 2017, and immediately go “Oh shit! That was the year of Saturation!” I can’t remember the last time I was as excited about a new force in hip hop as I am about Brockhampton. The three records they dropped this year were somehow all excellent in their own way. Every member shines in their own unique beautiful way, and the production choices are fresh and wonderfully off-kilter. The Saturation trilogy was an amazing feat that could have gone horribly wrong, but all the members and all the fans were extremely invested in making this work, and it did. And then some. The truth of the matter is, no one made an impact this year quite like Brockhampton.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_ZRRlVDVa8

9. Tyler, The Creator - Flower Boy

Growing up is really a decision you make and not a fact of life. There are always gonna be man-children who never decided to do something with their life. Flower Boy is the sound of Tyler, The Creator finally deciding to grow up and give listeners something that’s been lacking in his music: sincerity. For the first time, Tyler really lets his sensitive side show, and he created a project that peels back the layers on the wild persona he’s created. Turns out he can do a lot more than just shock value rap. He actually has a great ear for melody and production, and his lyrics have become much more nuanced and emotionally resonant. It seems crazy to say this about a Tyler, The Creator album, but Flower Boy is beautiful, and hopefully Tyler will continue to follow this musical direction for future projects. There’s always more room to blossom.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxlBOBOZHqI

8. Perfume Genius - No Shape

While 2014’s Too Bright was an exploration of Mike Hadreas’ beaming confidence trying its best to balance out his crippling insecurities and fears, No Shape is pure confidence with no room for fear and all the room in the world for love. The opener “Otherside” recalls the opening tracks of his previous albums with its hushed piano balladry. but a minute goes by and suddenly there is an explosion of sparkling synths that pulls you right into the majestic world of this album and lets you know this one isn’t like the ones that came before it. From then on it’s one excellently written and immaculately produced track after another on what may be Perfume Genius’s most endearingly weird and wonderful project to date. Mike’s heart was full of love when he made this album, and you can tell. The grace and care that was put into every song is clear, and it makes for a tremendously satisfying listen.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EVhFTw4igw

7. Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

The most astounding part about Turn Out The Lights is that, after you hear how heartbreaking and beautiful and fearless it is, you listen a little closer and realize how damn relatable it is. Baker makes epic songs about little things that secretly hurt a lot more than we wished they did. The things we’ve all felt and thought about on lonely nights. Like all great art, it’s not just about the artist, it’s about all of us. It’s about the pain of existing and trying to be a human. Julien’s words are the words we’ve all been wanting to say but have never quite know how to put it, and every line hits like punch to the gut. But through all the turmoil, Baker maintains a sense of hope. As she herself put so gracefully, “The existence of anxiety or depression does not negate my own capacity for joy, or my intelligence; when I can embrace those things, I can have power over them.” Through her music, she gives herself power over her illness and let's us know that, even if everything feels like it's breaking, there is still hope.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV1dMqeb4_U

6. The National - Sleep Well Beast

(Read my full review here) I think Sleep Well Beast might be my favorite National album. That’s right, even better than the near-unanimously agreed upon high mark Boxer. I came to this conclusion when I realized that for every great song Boxer has, Sleep Well Beast raises it one. Boxer’s melancholy opener “Fake Empire” is pretty, but “Nobody Else Will Be There” takes the emotion to whole new levels of devastation. You a fan of “Mistaken For Strangers”? I raise you “The System Only Dreams In Total Darkness”. Like “Brainy”? You’ll love “Day I Die”. It’s basically a better version of Boxer, but it still manages to sound entirely distinct. The main difference being that their songwriting has become more mature and subdued, which in turn made room for the emotions to really ruminate within the music. I mean, it’s been 10(!) years since Boxer hit shelves, and since then The National have really grown up. Everything has more nuance, more depth, and more maturity. Out of all their albums, it’s the one that hits the most consistently, and also hits the hardest.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O6duDDkhis

5. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy

Pure Comedy isn’t for everybody because it wasn’t made for everybody. Honestly, it wasn’t really made for anybody but Josh Tillman himself. He decided to take a step back from the personal squabbles he dealt with on the fantastic I Love You, Honeybear and takes aim at...well, everything really. No topic is safe from Tillman’s deadpan wit and hilariously cynical worldview. The music itself is merely a vessel for Tillman’s impressively coherent rants, which walk that fine line between genius and complete pretension, admittedly slipping into the latter category on some occasions. But even though it can seem like a little much, the scale and ambition of it all can not be undersold. Plus, considering the shitshow that 2017 was, I’d say it’s a perfect time for humanity to get a bit of a wake up call. We needed some crazy old man like Father John Misty to go up on rooftops and tells us that what we’re doing is fucked up. So fucked up, that it’s actually pretty hilarious when you think about it.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHpV08wI-bw

4. King Krule - The OOZ

It really does ooze. Every song, every word, every little moment seems to just pour out of you speakers like syrup. The OOZ is like a puzzle. It has so many moving parts that it takes many listens for it all to start sinking into place. The big picture it slowly reveals is pretty ugly. Krule’s worldview seems tragic, and he constantly feels alone and lost in this world. Nothing makes any sense to him, or the listener for that matter. Why is it called Biscuit Town? What’s a Dum Surfer? I still don’t have all the answers, but every time I listen I get a little closer to this album’s real main idea. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, but the joy of listening comes from those little revelations, and from the amazement of knowing how much meaning and detail King Krule put into this wild, unflinchingly weird record. It doesn’t need to be fully understood to understand that it is absolutely brilliant.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5-f1Bnltu8

3. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

What is a king to do now that he’s sitting comfortably on his throne? The answer: do what everyone else is trying to do to replace you, and do it way better than any of them. First, he releases “The Heart Part IV”, a track that dares anyone to fuck with him. Then a week later, he shuts down anyone who would ever try with “Humble”, a track that sees Kendrick being anything but. After the absolute shock of “Humble”, we got DAMN, an album very different from but in many aspects just as admirable as To Pimp a Butterfly or Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City. Kendrick manages to blow every other rapper completely out of the water with his brilliance and talent while still making it look easy. He breezily flows over some of 2017’s most unique instrumentals with bar after bar about life post-TPAB. Kendrick tries not to let his fans, his haters, his family, or Fox News get in his head. He reflects on his past, looks towards the future, and secures his spot as one of the all time greatest rappers to walk the earth. Damn is right.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glaG64Ao7sM

2. Lorde - Melodrama

If there is one musical lesson I’ve learned over the past 2 years, it’s that you should never underestimate pop music. Last year, Beyonce blew me away with Lemonade, and now in 2017, Lorde is the pop star who didn’t let her one hit wonder define her and ended up with an absolute stunner of an album. When pop music is done as well as it on Melodrama, it strikes a nerve with the listener, connects with them on a deep level, and unleashes their basic instincts: to dance, to cry, to laugh, to remember, to hope. This album makes me want to do all of those things, often all at the the same time. I listen to this album and I feel a real connection with Lorde as she too tries to make heads or tails of life as an adult. Does she ever make heads or tails of it? Of course not, but she’s not here to give answers, she’s here to give you an album that will help you through it, an incredibly powerful and mature album at that, and one that perfectly captures the feeling of being on the edge of adulthood in 2017. This early adulthood college era is a messy time in our lives where we try to pretend that we’re fine and that we totally get it, but at a certain point we just can’t keep pretending. It’s all wild parties, broken hearts, lost friends, and trying to just enjoy it all while we’re still young. It’s a confusing, scary and amazing time in our lives where our only focus is getting what we want. It’s all for fun. It’s all for show. It’s all just a bunch of fucking melodrama, and Lorde captured all of it perfectly. For college kids, Melodrama is a gem. A pop album that wasn’t manufactured by a company, but created by someone who really is just like us. Someone who actually gets it. In a time where millennial bashing seems to be the cool thing to do, I am very happy that this album exists to remind me that it’s okay to be young and a little reckless. I mean, if we’re not reckless now, when the hell else can we be?

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0DjcsK_-HY

1. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

I really wanted to make Melodrama my number one this year. I mean, did you see what I wrote up here? That’s an album of the year write up if I’ve ever seen one. Alas, I had to give it to this album. It would be irresponsible not to. No album, hell, no piece of art that I am aware of has ever captured and expressed the experience of grief so intensely as this album. After the passing of his wife Genevieve, Phil Elvrum hid away in his home and eventually gave us this collection of 12 vignettes discussing the complete and utter emptiness he feels now that his greatest love has gone. Every single thing he does, every place he visits, every word he hears is a reminder of her death. It’s completely and utterly heartbreaking, so much so that listening to it feels almost disrespectful, like you’re eavesdropping in on someone’s very private life. Some call it exploitative, and I would be inclined to agree, yet the songs on here treat her with such deep, rich love and true respect. Even so It is a bit paradoxical. As he says in the beginning: “Death is real/someones there and then they’re not/and it’it’s not for singing about/it’s not for making into art” He dismisses the idea of turning the death of a loved one into art while doing just that. But can you really blame him? Phil just doesn’t know what to think about all this, but he knows how to make music, and that’s what he did. Was it to help with grieving? Was it for closure? Understanding? Was it to honor her memory? No one knows, and I don’t ever need to, because the fact still stands that this one of the most powerful pieces of art I have ever experienced. So yeah, it’s the best album of the year, and in fact one of the best ever made.

Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2R2Ck8qKWM

Well, thanks for reading everyone! Here’s to a great 2018!

Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1241380934/playlist/03JmDr3dJSvNigvFAISnbh

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