#i think my birthday last week was the first year i didn't feel empty

[so-many-ocs]

i used to be so scared when adults told me my life would only get worse once i left grade school, or said that high school would be the best years of my life. there was a lot happening with me that i didn't understand and i was terrified of what would happen once i was in the "real world."

but you know what? i turned 20 last week. i've been out of high school for three years. i can say with confidence that things have gotten better—and i'm better equipped to deal with the bad shit, besides. the best years of my life are still ahead of me.

realistically, yes, i've experienced more serious things than some of the stuff i worried about in middle and high school, but being fourteen is fucking hard. i'm happier than i was then.

so if you're young and you've heard things like that, just know that life happens differently for everyone. some of us are late bloomers. sometimes it takes a while to strike a balance and find your people, but it will happen. it does get better.

[jezabelle9299]

Make-up Birthday S.R x FEM! Reader

Overture: Spencer didn't just miss your birthday he forgot it. (Happy Ending)

C-Ws: Missed occasions, pushing down feelings for the benefit of another person, Spencer chose Gideon over you

A/N- Baby's first angst, go easy on me. And I've been in a sour mood so I have 2 other angst fics (also birthday themed), that will probably be posted sometime this week. Our regularly scheduled sap will return next week.

You weren’t a very big birthday person. Of course when you were young you had birthday parties with all of your little friends, but as time went on, things got busy. It was pushed to the side for years, until you preferred to just ignore it. Until a few weeks ago, when Spencer asked what you’d like to do to celebrate. You told him nothing was necessary, but he insisted that the two of you at least spend the day together. You let yourself get excited, you made good plans, just takeout and movie night, but that was enough. If it were anyone else you’d remind him, several times, but you knew he wouldn’t forget. He didn’t forget anything.

This morning you woke up to an empty bed, and you knew Spencer had gone to work. He had a few meetings he mentioned having to go to about their latest cases, but you weren't expecting him until this evening. The day passed you by when you got set up, but time slowed down when there was nothing to do but wait. Each second passed a little slower than the last, until you got worried. You haven't heard from Spencer all day. 

You: Hey Spence, everything ok?

Spence: I’m ok, just got caught up at work. I’ll come to your place as soon as I can. 

You: Ok, see you then

You were glad he was ok, and you knew he’d rather be with you, than at work. Something important must’ve come up, he wouldn’t miss this over nothing. But time passed with no more texts, until you resigned yourself to him just not coming. You changed from your date outfit into some comfy pajamas, and laid down in bed. You weren’t upset with Spencer, this job was important to him, and you knew he felt like he had something to prove just being there. You could celebrate another day.

It wasn't until well after nine when Gideon asked Spencer what he was still doing here, he’d mentioned weeks ago that he’d need to leave early. That’s when Spencer realized what he was missing. It wasn’t just movie night, by now he’d missed almost your entire birthday, after he’d pressed you to celebrate it at all. He rushed out as quickly as possible, but by the time he got to your place it was too late. He knocked on the door and as soon as you answered, all the apologies came pouring out. He couldn’t make himself stop until you put your hands on either side of his face making him look you in the eyes. 

“It’s ok Spence, I know how important your job is, and we can celebrate another day.”  

He leaned down to hug you, burying his face in your neck. “I’m so sorry honey, it totally slipped my mind. But I promise to make it up to you.” You pulled away from him at that. 

“Wait, what do you mean?” He just looked at you, like he was replaying what he said to figure out what he did wrong. 

“You–you forgot?” 

“I thought you knew.”

“No, I didn’t. I had this picture in my mind, like when you leave for cases, when you tell me how you wish you could be here.”

“I do wish I was here, baby. You mean the world to me.” You couldn’t keep doing this, his reassurance was breaking you down bit by bit. Sure now he wished he was there, but he didn’t even realize you were missing him. 

“I’m gonna go for a drive I think, we don’t have to celebrate another day, it’s fine.” 

“No please stay– please let me make this up to you.” His phone rang. A shrill tone cutting through, nearly making you wince.

“It’s Gideon, I have to take this. But please stay with me, I want to talk about this. It’ll only take a minute.” 

“It’s fine, I’ll talk to you tomorrow Spence, just remember to lock up when you leave ok?” You picked up your shoes and keys before you walked out, still in your pajamas. You gave him not even half of a smile, and it was breaking his heart. But he couldn’t ignore the call.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Gideon was like a father to him, and even though he winced when the door shut behind you, quietly, as if you weren’t even upset, he still answered. There wasn’t even a case, Gideon just had a question about some evidence. Nothing would’ve happened if he didn’t answer, no one was dying, and the only one hurt was you. He couldn’t have just ignored the call, and now you were gone. 

Spencer didn’t forget anything, but somehow he forgot this. 

You weren't sure where you’d go. You decided to allow yourself one evening to be upset. To acknowledge that this whole situation sucks and honestly today your usually wonderful boyfriend kind of sucks too. You’ll feel guilty about it tomorrow, but tonight you're going to drive an hour and a half down the highway, just to turn back around so you could avoid the drunk drivers on the road when the bars close. Spencer should be gone by then, you’re sure Gideon was calling to steal your boyfriend away on a case again and you’d call him in the morning to make sure he got there ok and tell him to be safe like you always did. 

What Spencer did was important, and you couldn’t be mad at him for missing something as silly as a birthday for a work problem. But he wasn’t out saving lives like you thought. It may be selfish or overly-presumptuous about your standing in his life, but when you missed him it made you feel better to think he was missing you just as much. How he was at work thinking about how he loved you. And today was the day that illusion shattered.

You could only sob at the thought. 

By the time you got home, it was almost 1am. The redness in your eyes finally started to subside, you got too dehydrated to continue actually crying almost an hour ago, so that’s when you decided that the time for being upset over this was done. Even the puffiness in your face was going down. But when you unlocked the door, Spencer was waiting for you. 

“You’re home.” 

“You’re here. I thought you had a case.” 

“No, Gideon just had a question about some evidence, I wanted to be here when you got back.” 

“That’s sweet of you Spencer, but I just went for a quick drive. I’m kind of tired, so I think I’m just going to head to bed now, ok? But I’ll see you in the morning.” You gave him a resigned kiss on the forehead and his heart broke. He did this. And you called him Spencer, not ‘Spence’, not ‘honey’, not ‘babe’. Spencer. It never sounded so awful. 

He did all he could do, he slept on the couch and let you rest. You would be talking about this in the morning. You couldn’t shut him out forever, he loved you too much.  

The beeping of the coffee machine woke him up, his legs half hanging off your couch. He immediately got up. If the coffee machine was going off, you were awake, and you could talk about last night. 

“Honey?”

“Hi, I didn’t realize you’d stayed here last night, were you too tired to drive?”

“No, but I wanted to be here when you woke up.”

“You could've slept in my bed with me.” You were glad he didn’t. But you wanted to maintain your facade, you wanted to forgive him, and forget about everything.

“You’re upset with me, I wanted to talk to you.”

“I’m not upset.”

“You’re the love of my life and I hurt you. You don’t have to pretend to be ok with it.”

“It was one day, Spencer. It’s fine, you don’t have to sleep on the couch as penance.” You were putting on your coolest presence, but everything you said still came out as more of a mumble than it would’ve. 

“I need you to listen to me, you are the most important person in my life. I love you so much it hurts, and I can’t stand the thought of you thinking I forgot about you.” That broke your barely held together exterior of confidence.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I need you to know that I love you, I can’t just let this go.”

“Ok fine. You made me celebrate my birthday and when you forgot anyway, it hurt my feelings. But I don’t want a makeup birthday, and I wish I could just forget about it, and I don’t understand why you want me to be mad at you.”

“I don’t want you to be mad, but when you are mad, I need you to tell me. I can’t do anything to help if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“But I don’t want you to know when I’m upset. I want to be the cool girlfriend that doesn’t get upset when her boyfriend does something by accident. You are the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and when you make one mistake about something I wouldn’t have even cared about a month ago, I can’t get over it. But I really want to get over it, so could we please just forget about it?” By this point tears were flowing down your face, but you were still wiping your face every few seconds to stop them in their tracks.

“No we can’t just forget, I think you’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met, and it’s not because you ignore your feelings whenever you think they’d be inconvenient. I want to spend the day with you if you’d be ok with it, but if you want some time alone that’s ok too.”

“I want to spend the day with you. But could we leave out the birthday theme?”

“Sure honey, whatever you want, I’m all yours.”

“You know I love you Spence, right?”

“I know, I love you too.” It was an upsetting morning, but he was still overjoyed that you called him ‘Spence’ again. He’d earned his pet name back.

“Do you really think I’m cool?” It was barely spoken into his chest, moreso whined, muffled by the fabric of his sweater vest. At this moment, you were so uncool. Yet he still kissed your forehead as he laughed. 

“The coolest.”

[kaneaken]

Is this... Delusion?

author's note; just a few short scenarios that I've been through which really make me question everything. I have so many of these, but I think there was only one guy that was actually serious (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠)

content notes; gn!reader (pronouns not used/mentioned), modern au because some of these scenarios don't make sense in the original universe

♡ You think you've seen Blade for the fiftieth time this week. You understand the campus you both go to isn't very large, but you have definitely seen him more than any other student. He doesn't pause to speak to you, he just gives you a small glance, which feels more like a glare if anything. You bring it up to Fu Xuan in passing to which she responds:

"I find it strange.. his department is farther than yours. There would be no reason to pass through if he wanted to take the most efficient route."

♡ You notice there is always an empty space next to Alhaitham, no matter where he is. At first, you felt bad that no one sat next to him, so you decided to take the seat next to him. You introduce yourself to which he does the same. Although, he isn't much of a talker, he doesn't seem to mind your constant ramblings. One day, you walk up to him and find Kaveh sitting next to him. Once he notices your approach, he sends Kaveh a subtle look as if to say move it. Kaveh shoots him a glare before getting up with a grumble.

♡ You weren't poor, but you weren't exactly rich either. Aventurine, however, was. He wasn't one to particularly flaunt his wealth, but somehow you had a constant reminder of it.

"My rings? Do you like them? I could buy one for you. It's not an issue. Think of it as a gift for helping me with my homework last week."

"It's your birthday, right? I got you something. It's not much, but-- it's expensive? Oh, no, no, I only spent a little more this year. How much more...? Let's just celebrate, alright?"

"Are you hungry? You don't have enough for a snack? That's alright. What do you want and don't just pick the cheapest thing, okay?"

Seems the more you deny him, the more persistent he gets.

♡ You always spot Kaveh with a pen in his hand. He tends to spin it around, balance it on a finger, and throw it at Alhaitham (the usual). You even find him doodling on his hand at times. You always compliment him on the little doodles and he always chuckles in response. At times, he ends up filling his hand with doodles and running out of blank space, so he turns to you with a smile. You don't deny his silent request (you had been meaning to ask him if he would draw you a little doodle). You extend your hand to him and let him work his magic. Depending on his mood, he could draw whatever. Sometimes it's a horrible sketch of Alhaitham while he grumbles about how Alhaitham finished the coffee that morning. Other times it's a beautiful flower which you wish you didn't have to clean off your hand. One time he drew a cluster of hearts which matched the ones on his hands.

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

Under a Star-Flecked Sky

Author's Note: This was supposed to be some Rhysand x Reader fluff, but the depression brain-rot got the better of me and I wrote some angsty, post-UtM Rhys moments instead (don't worry there is some fluff at the end). My baby just needs a hug, and honestly I think SJM did him dirty by brushing his trauma Under the Mountain under the rug.

Warnings: Mentions of Amarantha, Rhys' Post-UtM Trauma

Summary: You're Rhys' mate, having already been with him before the Mountain, and are navigating Rhys' healing journey as best you can.

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The bed was cold; the realization jarring you from the deep clutches of sleep. Your bed was never cold, not when your mate was in it. Rhysand ran warm, your own personal heater, usually spending the night curled around you, cocooned inside the safety of his wings, but those great wings and the male attached to them were nowhere to be seen. His side of the bed empty, the sheets rumpled, blanket haphazardly clinging to the side of the mattress like he'd flung it off in a hurry, even though you hadn't heard him get up.

You sat up, shivering in the chill coming through the open windows, the satin curtains billowing in the autumn breeze. It would be too cold to leave them open soon, a fact you knew often put your mate on edge, especially after...

You called for him down the bond you shared with your mate, worried. It had been a couple months since Rhys had returned home to Velaris after Amarantha; the nightmares had been constant the first couple of weeks, at one point they had gotten so bad he'd started spending the night at the Moonstone Palace, claiming he had work to do to avoid you and the rest of the Inner Circle from seeing him like that, but with some help from Madja and some other healers in the city he'd been able to get a handle on it. Usually. Some nights were worse than others. You'd tried to be as supportive as possible, even going down to the Library to read up on ways to help. There were calming teas you'd started making for him before bed, the recipe tucked in one of those old books, but you suspected Rhys drank it just to make you feel like you were helping, the cup still half full on the bedside table. You'd drifted off shortly after handing it to him last night.

When there was no answer down the bond, you crawled out of the bed, dragging the blanket with you. The black silk slip you wore did nothing to stave off the cold, you'd worn the birthday gift from Rhys down to its threads over the years he was gone. He'd offered to buy you a new one--multiple in more colors--but you'd refused. It was your favorite, you'd find some magic to keep it held together if you had to. Still, it was the wrong time of the year for it, and you opted to stay warm under the blanket instead of pausing to change into something else as you left the room in search of your mate, still calling for him down the bond.

He gave no answer, his end silent. As silent as it had been for the last 50 years, that great, formidable wall of adamant shielding him from you.

You bit your lip as you checked each room in the house, all empty, save for the one Cassian was snoring in at the end of the Hall. They'd started taking turns sleeping over, keeping an eye on their brother. Azriel had stayed the night before, Mor the night before that. They stole your wine and played old board games until the early hours of the morning, trying to get Rhys' to laugh, or smile at the least. He didn't do a lot of that these days.

Your heart clenched painfully in your chest. He'd been through so much and half the time he'd just shut down and shut you out, unable to explain what had happened. What she had done to him. Most nights you wondered if there was a way to let you into Hell, just so you could kill her a second time. You'd had a long time to think about what you'd do if you ever had the chance to get your hands on her. Not that it mattered in the end, you'd never been able to get into the Mountain. You'd failed him then and it was starting to feel like you were failing him again now as you all but sprinted through the house.

It took longer than you would like to admit to notice that the balcony doors in the living room were open. Rhys left the windows open, never the doors, even if Velaris was the safest place in Prythian, he'd never leave you vulnerable like that, not unless he was nearby.

Tears pricked your eyes, your lower lip bleeding from how hard you'd been biting down on it as you stepped out into the frigid night air. The lounge chairs and tables along the edge were all empty, no glass of Rhys' favorite whiskey in sight.

Your heart thundered in your ears, thoughts racing. Where the hell was he? Had something happened? Was he in danger?

You were about to start calling his name in desperation before a shifting tile on the roof caught your attention. One of the pieces had been knocked loose--a new occurrence because you'd had to replace them after a drunk Cassian had tried to do a back flip off it last week.

Clutching the blanket around your shoulders with one hand, you used the other to pull a chair over to where the corner of the roof hung over the balcony, and carefully climbed up. The townhouse roof was not as steep as the Palace roof, or even the cabin in Illyria, where you and your mate used to sit and talk about all his plans for his city and his people.

That ache in your chest returned tenfold as you spotted your mate, sitting at the highest point of the roof, knees to his chest, wings wrapped around himself to fight against the cold. His head was tucked against his knees, ebony hair covering his eyes. This was not his spot to stargaze. This was not like all those times you'd sat together, whispering your dreams to the stars, so hopeful and eager for the future. This was not the ambitious and hopeful High Lord who had swept you into the glittering world of the Night Court and mapped out a future among the stars with you all those years ago. You had gone to the cabin in Illyria only once while he was away, and the loss of him, the bond so quite and empty and cold in the place you had formed it had been so devastating you'd almost ripped the place apart one wood plank at a time. At the time you had been so sure you had lost him forever that you'd nearly ripped everything you had built together apart in your grief. You had left all those dreams you shared in those woods and vowed that you would never whisper any prayers to the stars ever again. Not if their heir was gone and their reflection in his violet eyes would never look your way again. You had stopped dreaming in his absence. Nights like this you wondered if he had too. Perhaps the Mountain had taken more from both of you then you dared to admit, even to each other. What good were dreams if the stars no longer listened, if they would no longer answer you?

It was an easy climb to him compared to all the other roofs you had climbed to sit with him in the past, even with the blanket still clutched around your shoulders.

Rhys didn't look up. You weren't even sure he'd heard you. Still, you lowered yourself to sit next to him, the worry swirling in the pit of your stomach only beginning to settle as you took in the jasmine and citrus scent of him. This was the part where you said something witty, threw the blanket around him and chastised him for leaving you alone, but maybe those were games for the people you were before. The last time he hadn't heard you coming, too caught up in his own head to hear you, he'd flinched so hard his powers had knocked a bookshelf over, panic flooding the bond. He accidentally showed you a flash of red hair and pointed nails, scratching at his back before he'd ripped the memory away and locked himself in the bathroom. You'd been trying to find ways to avoid doing it ever again.

It was a long, tense few minutes before Rhys lifted his head off his knees just enough to look at you. "Did I wake you?" His voice was raw, like he'd been screaming.

You wanted to touch him, to hold him in your arms and stroke his hair and make it all better, as his touch had always done for you, but everything was so different. Sometimes you were sure he let you hold his hands because he knew you wanted to, not because he wanted to.

It had been a long couple months, you'd been weighing and measuring every word, trying not to startle him, trying not to make him feel any guilt or shame. He had saved you, and your family, had given everything he'd had to ensure that she didn't taint any bit of your home, you owed him a solid front, a shoulder to lean on. You had not spoken of how scared you had been, how cold and empty and wretched you had felt for every moment of the last fifty years. You'd crafted a nice mask for the court to see, holding steady in his absence, not taking it off, even after his return in hopes that it would ease his burden. But the words came tumbling out of you, the tidal wave of emotions bubbling up and bursting out in a rush, "You scared me."

He sat up a little straighter, pain flashing across his star flecked eyes.

"The bond was quite," tears pricked your eyes. "Cold. You wouldn't answer me. You'd shut me out." It was that last bit more than anything. You could handle the nightmares. You could handle this new version of your mate, because truth be told there had been times you weren't sure he was ever coming back, whatever shape he was in was irrelevant in the long run as long as he was alive. All the newness, the unease and uncertainty, the new quite version of him was easy to handle. But the quiet, knowing he'd shut you out again...

"I know that you need time, and space, and I'm trying to give that to you, Rhys, but..."

He unfurled his wings enough to wrap one around you, an arm sliding around your waist to pull you against his side. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he whispered against your temple, planting gentle, feather light kisses against your skin as you buried your face in he crook of his neck.

He was here. He was safe. This was real. All things you often had to remind yourself of.

"Please don't shut me out like that," you whispered, the tears falling freely down your cheeks. "Not again. I can bear a lot, Rhys, but not any more of that."

His wings came back around to cover both of you as he stroked a hand through your hair. Still, aside from a few more whispered apologies, he didn't speak, didn't attempt to explain himself. You tried to tell yourself it was fine, he didn't have to explain, he'd earned the right to keep whatever he needed to to himself, if he wanted to tell you he would. But he still had not lowered his shields, did not project anything down the bond. A part of you wanted to scream, grab onto that tether that linked your souls together and shake it like you could somehow force life back into it. Maybe things would be better if you could. Maybe they'd be worse. You tried to tell yourself this was enough.

"There are things," he said finally, his voice pained like he was having trouble putting it together, no sign of that silver tongue of his. "Things I can't... can't talk about."

You laid your hand over his heart, feeling the uneven beat. It was rare for Rhys to be so obviously anxious.

"Things I won't talk about."

"It's not healthy-"

"No," he growled, tightening his grip on your waist to keep you from pulling back to look him in the eyes. By the uneasiness of his breathing you thought he might be crying himself. "You do not need to know. You will hear enough of my sins from everyone else."

Sins, as if he had done any of it willingly, as if he'd had any choice in it.

"You didn't have a choice," you began.

"It doesn't matter," Rhys countered. "That is not the story they will tell."

He would be the villain, the little lackey that did her dirty work, the monster that ripped people's minds apart for his evil queen. You'd heard the story in the High Lord's meetings over and over again--and worse, especially from Beron and Tamlin. "I don't believe anyone else's stories. I don't care what they think you've done, or why you'd done it. I don't care, Rhys, because it's not true."

He buried his head in the top of you hair, a shuttering breath ripping out his chest.

You shot as much understanding and love down the bond as you could, hoping some of it would eventually break through that wall between you. "I love you, I'll always love you, Rhys, nothing will change that."

His wings tightened around you, soft moonlight shining through the soft membrane, highlighting centuries worth of nicks and battle scars. You longed to run your fingers over them, familiarize yourself once again with the patterns and feelings you had forgotten in the last fifty years.

"But how are we supposed to move forward if we don't talk to each other?" You whispered. "I miss you. I miss talking to you. You're my best friend, my mate, we promised to always be honest and open with each other."

You twisted to be able to look at him, pulling away just enough to catch the glimmer of tears in his eyes. You reached out gently to wipe one off his cheek and he shuttered at the contact.

"It doesn't have to be tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. I know that you need time, and I am not asking you to give me details you don't want to, but there's gotta be some way for us to talk to each other again, isn't there?"

He tilted his head to kiss your fingertips. "I'm sorry, I know I've hurt you," he murmured against your fingertips, his lips soft and warm against your chilled skin. "I'm trying." He moved his lips to your palm, placing featherlight kisses on the way down, his offering of another apology, as if to tell you he was sorry you had to be there to wipe away any tears. He'd been like that before, but not this bad.

"I know," you said, "but in the mean time, can I at least have a thought for a thought?"

He hummed against your palm. "You first."

"I'm thinking we really should have put in more comfortable roof tiles," you said, twisting against the tile that was biting into the underside of your thighs.

He shifted and pulled you to sit in his lap with a huff of what was almost a laugh. The shift in conversation was good, kept you both from spiraling further into all the uncertainty the future still held. If you couldn't talk about the past, at least there were things in the present to talk about.

"And I'm thinking," you added as you settled against his strong chest, his heartbeat a bit more steady against you now. "That you make a very comfortable seat."

"That's two."

"First one was free," you say, resting your head against his shoulder.

He was quiet for a long moment, just the two of you wrapped in each other under the stars.

"I'm thinking..." his arms wrapped around your waist, his hands finding yours so you could intertwine them. "That I clearly need to get you some new socks, your feet are freezing!"

He was clad in nothing but his underwear, you only now realized, and you had instinctively wrapped your legs around his, seeking any kind of warmth you could find. There wasn't a full sleep set between the two of you.

You couldn't help but laugh, even if this wasn't how you'd hoped the conversation would go, at least it was a conversation. "You know I hate sleeping with socks on, that's not fair."

"Slippers than," he conceded.

You intentionally brushed your cold feet up the side of his leg. "Fuzzy ones. And only if they're bright pink."

"Ridiculous," he huffed, "but if you insist."

"I want them to look like cats too."

"Pink cats?"

"Pink cats."

"Pink cats it is then."

You grinned at that. "We can go to the Rainbow tomorrow for them?"

"First thing in the morning," he promised as he settled his chin on your shoulder.

"We should go for breakfast. There's a new bakery on the Sidra. Well, new as in neither of us have been there, it's technically been open for awhile."

"You didn't go?"

You two had met in a bakery in Illyria, had fought over the last chocolate croissant until the shop owner had kicked both you out for scarring the other customers, it had become something of a weekly tradition to find which shop in Velaris had the best ones since. "I was waiting for you."

The arms around your middle squeezed a little tighter.

"I have a list of things for us to do, actually. A lot changed and I thought if, maybe I kept making a list it gave the Mother a reason to bring you back to me." It felt stupid, now that you'd said it aloud that you had hoped depriving yourself of a chocolate croissant would somehow force the Mother to bring your mate home, but you had been desperate, you weren't always thinking clearly.

Rhys nuzzled into the side of your neck. "Thank you, for waiting." You knew him well enough to know he wasn't talking about the bakery or the croissants.

"I would have waited a thousand years for you," you whispered.

"That's a long time without chocolate croissants," he teased.

"They're worth the wait," you replied, hoping he knew you well enough to know you weren't talking about croissants either.

He merely hummed understandingly as he settled against your shoulder, his breathing evening out against your back. You relished in the rise and fall of his chest, of his warm breath against your throat. He was alive, he was here, he'd made it home.

"What else is on this list of yours?"

"There's a new dinner cruise around the Sidra, an art exhibit in the Rainbow, three new plays," you counted them off on your fingers, trying to remember all of them now. Sleep was beginning to beckon again, your eyes heavy, speech slowing. "The Night Orchestra is coming back into town, you missed them twice. There's a new ice cream shop to try..." there was something else, but your mind was growing hazy. A yawn escaped you.

Rhys tried to stand, but you grabbed frantically at his wrists. "I'm ok. Wanna stay here with you."

He settled back against the roof, laying back now with you tucked into his side. The blanket had gotten twisted between the two of you, doing little to keep out the bite of the roof tiles. You didn't care.

"Oh! There's a new place that sells some lacy things I think you'd like," you mumbled as you pressed your face into the crook of his neck and breathed in deep.

"For you or me?" He teased.

"For you to rip off of me," you said.

He kissed your temple, "We'll definitely have to stop there then."

You were trying your hardest to keep your eyes open, really you were, but they were growing heavier and heavier, the stars over head blurring in your vision. Maybe you had been wrong to stop wishing on them, despite all your pain, your mate had still returned to you, that dream had still been answered.

"We're gonna be ok, you know," You murmured into his neck.

"You think so?" He whispered.

"I'll wish it onto every star I see until it's answered," you vowed.

Rhys gripped you a little tighter, you gripped him back, eyes drifting shut fully now.

"Maybe I'll start making wishes again too," he said in your ear. You hoped, as you drifted off, that the stars heard him and would answer this wish too.

[coraline-jones353]

I would like a x reader oneshot request on Ray Manchester/Captain Man ❤️ from Henry Danger !

The true parents meeting

Heyy y'all quick thing please I beg you all, add some information with your request 😭. It's hard enough to find time to write but finding time to brain storm an idea?? Crazy long.

Also oh my goodness this is I think my first request?!??

Ray x Reader

Warnings: Cussing, hating on Henry's parents (ngl they sucked and that's a hill I'll die on)

Summary: At Henry's graduation party Y/n, his god mom comes to his party from out of town. Henry comes in late to his party and ofc his parents aren't worried, but Ray and Y/n are. Henry seizes the moment to get his actual parents off his back and to make them both happy, together.

Y/n is Henry's god mom, she attends everything and I mean everything, his kindergarten graduation? She's there. Birthdays? There. Christmas? There

She's good friends with Henry's mother. When her friend broke down crying saying she doesn't want a baby Y/n even offered to adopt the kid after she had given birth. That obviously didn't happen but she did get offered the position of God mother, meaning if something were to happen to her friend and husband then she would take care of Henry and Piper.

I had flown in for Henry's graduation party and of course to watch him graduate. I had just flown in from California on a business trip. I am absolutely exhausted and need a ride to the Hart's house where I will be staying for a week to catch up with them.

Of course the Hart's were busy so I took an Uber to their house. I arrive in about 10 minutes and am so excited to see my kids.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I open the door expecting Piper and Henry to be on the other side but I am met with an empty house. I look around before deciding to just call Henry and see where he is.

"Hey Hen, where are you guys? I made it to your house but none of you are here." I say into my phone, rather annoyed. "Oh shoot, I forgot you were coming today, I'm at work right now and Piper is spending the day with one of her friends at the mall. I bet you're tired from your plane ride so just take a nap and I'll be home in 3 hours or so, ok?" Henry says at a pretty fast pace sounding almost out of breath. "Well ok I'll see you then kiddo." I say hanging up the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After his graduation me, him, and piper had tons of bonding time. I took them to the movies, zoo, aquarium, I even took them out to eat multiple times. I told them about my adventures I've had since last year and asked about their life. Separately I asked Henry about his superhero life, he couldn't hide that from me after my second visit after he became a hero.

This time though it wouldn't just be a visit, Henry decided to give up being a superhero for a while and live with me and travel when needed. He had gotten a job at the same company I work at so this worked out great.

The parties in 1 hour and I'm helping with the decorations and getting Henry ready for his big night.

Just then this absolutely dazzling man walks into the venue. " Uh, excuse me sir, I just have to check if you're invited. The party doesn't even start for about an hour." I say looking at the clock. "Ray Manchester, at your service darling. I'm here to help set up for the party I'm Henry's boss." He says with the brightest and flashiest smile.

I feel my insides melt, that wonderful smile. I gotta ask him what toothpaste he uses geesh. "I'm Y/n Henry's god mom." I say shaking his hand and pointing him over to the streamers that need to be put up.

Later in the night people start arriving but we're just missing one person. Where the fuck is Henry?!?

Just as my phone goes to his voicemail he walks into the venue. I storm over to him getting ready to blow up but Ray is over there before I even took two steps.

"Where were you Henry" Ray said with a stern expression as I stood next to him cornering Henry. "Jasper had this bucket he wanted to get at the medieval fair and he didn't wanna go alone." Henry says seemingly out of breath. "That is no excuse you could have been in danger and we wouldn't have known!" I yell at him.

After scolding Henry he asked me and Ray to be in charge of the Chinese auction. Throughout the party Henry had been doing little things to get Ray and Y/n to talk. First asking if I want punch and telling Ray to get me and him a cup. Then saying that were so alike and asking Ray to show off his muscles to me, which he did happily. Then at the end of the party he asked us both to help clean up.

"This was a great party, thanks guys." Henry says pulling us on for a group hug. He then asks to talk to Ray alone pulling him into a corner.

"Dude, ask her out." he says as he pushes Ray's arm teasingly. "But she lives outta town and I can't leave." "Then have a long distance relationship but you won't know if you don't try." Henry pleads.

"Hey Y/n, do you think I could take you out on a date?" Ray says suddenly losing all confidence. I look at him to see if he is sincere as he stares at the floor. "Yes Ray I will go out with you."

And yes I did ask for his toothpaste he uses Crest.

[thegothicviking]

TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts

__________

Lost another friend due to me being "high "maintenance"...although I don't feel like I am?

I guess I nagged too much on her and she didn't think that not wishing me "happy birthday" was a big deal, when I personally think birthdays are important. Clash in personalities I guess.

I'm just glad that we didn't have that much in common (although she told me she was Asperger too and she was the only physical friend in a long while that I had a mutual fave band with, Bauhaus,) but we weren't even friends for a whole year so it's not that much of a loss I guess. I might have ONE "in real life" friend left now. ONE that I can still visit. But I feel like she is gradually withdrawing herself too. She is never the first to contact me to ask to hang out...

To be honest, I feel empty and tired of trying. I feel I need to "keep a lid on myself"/wear a mask now as I always end up being too enthuastic about a new friendship right from the start. This enthusiasm is scaring them away. So I'll try to keep it more "low profile" but this last physical friend, but it's hard when you have endured so many years of bullying and finally get to talk to someone face to face. Of course I get excited! It's like a starving man finally get access to food for the first time in a long time! He ends up eating too much and too fast. Just like I end up nagging and pushing...

I guess I just haven't found my type of people yet. And I honestly don't think I will, at least not here in Norway...

It has only been a week since I returned from Dresden and Leipzig..and my suicidal thoughts are already back. I returned from being surrounded by likeminded people..being able to express themselves and dress how they wanted to!

And then returning to..."normal people"...everyone looks the same..everyone is talking about the same mundane things.. It's eating me from the inside!

I wanted to be honest with anyone who is willing to read this: the mental health care system in Norway is a joke. They will straight up tell you that "because you are suicidal/have suicidal thoughts...this and this program won't work for you" and then they let you leave without even trying to recommend or place you into some other option of therapy or help. It's like they literally want you to just... die.

Here at home: I honestly feel like that person that stinks..or have some sinister mark on them. As if I have the plague and everyone avoids me..and I am blissfully unaware that I stink..or have the plague..and so I try to run towards the pretty people and I always have to try and chase them because they keep on running away from me. And I am blissfully unaware that I am meant to be shunned/shooed away. That I don't belong.

Ever since I was 6-7 years old and wrote in a stupid "friendship book" (which I now honestly believe is cursed)..all of my then friends who have ever written in it, are no longer my friends and in the beginning of the book I was supposed to write or draw whatever I wanted in life (as an introduction to the owner of the book/me).

As a 6-7 year old I could have written or drawn the most insane of things! Ask a child what they want and they can answer anything from a pony to a million in cash or a whole mountain made of candy..

And what did I write/draw? What was I wishing for? From anything in the world what did I want?

"Friends." ("Venner").

I draw two girls chasing each other in a tag-game. And I wrote "Venner" ("Friends").

And now, over 20 years later...that wish is sadly still relevant.

I really want to go on..but I am so tired.

If I didn't have my fic series...something I feel like I HAVE TO complete (out of spite or because hate to have any project unfullfilled). If I didn't have that... I'm sure I would have been 6 feet under now...or have had my ashed tossed into the sea.

I have no therapist...I wasn't allowed to keep him..and besides my family I don't have anyone to vent too. This is why I make this long post now. As to make you all my followers/mutuals aware that.. I might give up one day. I don't believe suicide is selfish. I believe you should be allowed to end it all if everything seems hopeless. I just wanted to vent. I just wanted you all to know...

I am grasping the last strands here. I am trying my best to keep on...but please don't be mad/angry if I decide to give up. I have fought these thoughts for 21 years now... Don't be mad at me if I'm too tired to keep on fighting. But I will give you a sign. I will let you know..if I decide to give up.

[christinafurby]

Christina leaves her Christmas tree up until February? So does Mia. 2x, Tiger left his Christmas up until March but unplugged it. Here is why. His grandma passed 5 days before Christmas 2019. He wanted to throw the tree out due to not being in the mood. His aunt told him to keep it due to his grandma getting it for him since she knew how much he loved it. She said to keep it to carry on her spirit. Usually, he would take the tree down the 1st week of January. He wanted to but it hurt too much. He & his grandma decorated that tree, so taking it down felt like it was getting rid of her spirit. That is why he just unplugged it but left it up. Since his dad was sick, he was more worried about his health than the tree. The pandemic hit a week before his grandma's birthday. His dad told him that his grandma would want him to take the tree down. He took it down as a birthday present to his late grandma. He put the Christmas tree back up before Thanksgiving 2020. By that point, his dad had passed. He was no mood to even put it up. Relatives told him to put it up since those would want him to enjoy himself. Again, he unplugged it after January but kept it up. Right before his grandma's birthday, he took it down.

We all deal with grief in different ways, thank you for making me feel less alone. Our sadness, anger, happiness, and every other emotion in-between are what binds us as humans and we feel how we feel inside. Christmas can be a very difficult time for a lot people, everyone can think of moments of sadness/emptiness especially around the holidays when all the memories come flooding in. When the storms hit try to remember, that even a memory that leaves you sad, is still a memory. Even though it's bittersweet and they might not be physically within your grasp they live FOREVER in your mind. You carry them in every beat of your heart, every breath you take is because they were, are,and ALWAYS will be a part of your life.

I haven't washed a few shirts since big kitty has been gone. When Cake passed away.. about 3 years ago now, I cried when I had to take my first shower.. I still have the hair tie up on the wall holder from when I was holding her the last time. I didn't shower for probably a good 2 weeks at least after Fluffy.. I haven't been hungry but I try to eat because "he'd want you to take care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself so you can be here for the other babies, they need you too" was said to me. I could go on but you get the point. Remember to let in happiness along with the sadness, "You can't have a rainbow without the rain" .. and, "It can't rain all the time".

Every year it seems to get more difficult to smile and I'm reminded of the Grinch.. Just make sure you don't shrink your heart two sizes too small. I'm also reminded of the song, "The Great Pretender". EVERYONE goes through ups and downs.. It's not what knocks us down or how far we fall that matters, it's how we get back up and what we do once we're standing again that does. The fact you took the tree down and were able to put it back up shows your love, tenacity, and inner strength. You loved ones love when you're happy because they love you as much as you love them. They're always in your heart, blood, bones, and soul. It's easier said than done, but it's important we carry their happiness on our shoulders so we can push through life and find our own.

Someone is looking up to you and admires you in a way you admire them, I PROMISE you that. Your fight for positivity means more than you realize. Sometimes how we deal with struggle and strife is the source of pure NECESSARY inspiration. I've been trying to sing to my other kitties because they all legitimately loved when I sang but big kitty used to love it the most.. I can feel him when I try to sing and go to pet him and feel his purrs and my legs and arms are empty. (I even cried typing that. Lol) .. So I haven't sang except for when Miss was passing.. I sang for her her favorite song and she was happy.. That was the last time I actually sang anything come to think of it. For months I've just lipped the words if I felt like singing.

I know I have to sing for my other babies it's just hard to get back into it.. Also it is something I really enjoyed so in a way I suppose it's a form of self punishment I'm sure. I'm angry at myself, many things, mostly tho.. I'm hurt down to my core and the one person who actually cared, understood, and was always there .. is gone a long with many things/people. I'm still here 🤷🏻‍♀️. I honestly don't feel like I really exist but I try to make a positive difference because I feel like that's the only POSSIBLE thing I can bring to the table in life anymore. Otherwise, I feel like I'm just a leech that'll eventually disappear and be forgotten. That's why I try to believe that we're all connected and that our happiness matters. You'll find your smile and festive again one day.. just like I'll find my song, or maybe I won't.. but atleast at the end I can say, "I tired".

it wouldn't hurt anyone but me if I never sang again. That's what you have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be happy?" And if the answer is AT ALL, "yes" then you must do whatever it is that makes you happy.. More importantly, stop doing what makes you sad. If you want to celebrate Christmas all year then do it! If you don't want to celebrate then don't.. Just remember the other options and keep asking yourself if this is "What I want?", "Will this make me happy in the long run?" and "Why am I doing this?' from time to time, and remember that it's okay to change your mind. Humans adapt and change all the time (with major body changes happening every 7 years or so). I believe in you and your happiness! There's light at the end of the tunnel friends (even if we're so far in we can't see light at either end).. Hold on to that wall and keep pushing forward! Your presence/force create a necessary centrifugal balance.

[tlouxobsessed]

College Affairs

Chapter III

I could not believe what had happened the night before, I stared up at the ceiling recalling all of the memories from last night. The kissing, the touching....the moaning. Holy fuck I needed some sex badly, I wanted Ellie, I need Ellie. I couldn't stop imagining her moaning my name, her sweet juices littering my face while I'd suck her dry, Jesus fuck.

I stood up pulling out some basic jeans and a sweatshirt, I had to get ready before class. Not only do I have class, I have that party tonight. Shit today is not going to be that good. I could feel my stomach rumbling, I was nervous.

I glanced over at the empty bed, 'hmm it's only '8:15' she must be in class already' I tried relaxing myself as I continued to get ready.

~ Ellie point of view ~

Once the kiss ended and we both headed to bed, all I could think about was fucking her. Fucking y/n so hard until her legs are shaking. I didn't even know how to contain myself. I woke up before she did, I couldn't face her after last night. I know she likes me but I can't, I don't want to. I haven't been in a good relationship since Cat and even then I don't like bein' loyal. It ain't my style y'know?

I stood up sliding on a pair of black Nike sweats, a dark green hoodie and some basic UGGS. Joel had got me these a few weeks before college had first started he began stating his "you're becoming a woman! you need some new clothes and shoes other than those little shitty sneakers you got on there." He always made me laugh, I believe he is coming down next week with Tess to visit me. I enjoyed his company. I liked Tess too, I hadn't seen her in awhile.

I was fourteen when Joel had adopted me, he had a daughter named Sarah. She passed away due to smallpox, he was devastated. He ended up getting a call a few years after Sarah's death. "Joel....It's me...Marlene" He hadn't heard from Marlene in years, when she explained my mother had passed and she didn't want to keep me in foster care anymore, he decided he'd take me in. I was a cunt, mean, rude and disrespectful. I wouldn't follow his rules, I'd bust his balls but eventually I ended up adoring him. He introduced me to Tess after a year of being my guardian, She became my step mother around a few months before my seventeenth birthday. It stayed just the three of us, they gave me the 'bird and the bees talk' Joel taught me how to ride a bike, he was great. I never called him dad, always Joel. Tess was always referred to as Tess. They were my best friends, well that was until Dina moved next door.

~ Flashback ~

It was late October, slowly getting colder out. My over-sized blue zip-up and my black, ripped jeans didn't give me any warmth. I walked as fast as I could picking at the skin on my left thumb.

"HEY!!" I turned around after hearing someone shout at me, I pulled out an earbud looking hopelessly for the source of the voice.

"hi...?" I questioned looking at the girl. She was maybe 5'4, black hair with dark brown eyes. Lots of freckles, she was wearing a light green jacket with some brown pants, her boots looked so warm and fuzzy I was jealous.

"I'm Dina, I always see you walking home so I figured we could be friends" I watched as she ran by my side to walk with me. I didn't push her away, she was the first friend I made after living at Joel's for over seven months.

~ Flashback over ~

I looked down at the time, '7:35' I had to go, I knew she'd be up around eight-ish and I did not want to be here when she'd wake up. I didn't get what was wrong with me, I couldn't tell what I was feeling for her. I wanted to rip her clothes off of her last night, I knew I wanted to fuck her but it almost felt deeper than that. I knew if I saw her again, in a towel? shit I dunno what I'd do.

I grabbed my car keys, wallet and backpack. I'd stop back here later to change then head to the party but for now I needed something to eat and drink. I made my way to the local coffee shop, upon walking in I saw the fucking cunt, Abby. God she stole so many girls from me, all because she was "nicer" and "actually cared about more than just their bodies." Like seriously I couldn't care less.

I approached the cashier which just so happened to be Sarah. Fuck. My. Life.

"oh...um how can I help you?"

"yea uhh lemme get a medium strawberry-passion fruit and a croissant buttered" I watched as she typed into the machine pulling up the total. Her hands slightly shaking.

"six dollars and seventy five cents, it'll be out in a few-"

"Is everything 'kay over here? you look a lil' tense Sar" I watched as Abby wrapped her hands around Sarah's waist, I rolled my eyes and walked away. I saw Abby smirk in the corner of my eye, jesus she fucking annoys me. I watched Abby begin making my drink.

Fantastic.

"Ellie?" I watched the young boy call out, he looked cute. "Have a good day" he said walking away, I grabbed my shit and sprinted out of there as fast as I could. I pushed my forearm against the door until I heard my name.

"have a great one els" I cringed at that name, I knew it was Abby just being Abby. I quickly left.

I needed to get fucked up tonight. I pulled out of the spot speeding away.

~ Third Person ~

Abby watched Ellie quickly get into her car and speed away. Abby had always loved bothering Ellie. The two were life long best friends until one of Ellie hoes fucked with Abby, a hoe in which Ellie really liked. Abby had no idea this girl was fucking with her best friend, therefore the two split apart. Ellie had never tried hearing Ab out so she gave up. Abby just moved on.

"Sarah, you fucked Ellie?" Abby walked over to the blonde, her mouth forming into a thin line.

"Abby!!"

"c'mon sarah, for real?" Abby was heated, Sarah was so sweet she'd kill Ellie if she ever tried fucking Sarah again.

"She took my vir-" Nope Done. Abby walked over to Sarah pulling her into the back room. "hey! Abby-"

"Sarah you cannot do anything with Ellie anymore, she is a bad person. She fucks girls then dips on them, she is a cunt, a selfish bitch. Please find a better girl....please" Abby was practically on her knees begging.

"Okay okay, but you have to come with me to the party tonight. Jesse's....pleaseeeee" Sarah convinced Abby until she finally nodded in agreement. What had Abby gotten herself into.

Eventually the day went by, the cafe was busy perusal. Abby clocked out and began heading back to her dorm. Abby's roommate was never there, she had a scholarship for soccer which meant she was traveling the country most of the time. Abby always had the place to herself, which was nice. She'd bring back some girls most of the time, or just fuck around in her underwear.

Abby wasn't a slut though, she didn't just fuck girls then dip on them. She'd only been in two serious relationships. Owen Moore and Grace Smith. She was in love with Grace but Owen? not so much... that was how she realized she was Bisexual with a huge preference for girls. Therefore after Grace, Abby went berserk. She fucked three girls, dipping on all of them. She ended up changing her ways once she saw the real damage it was doing to her ego, and the girls.

Even though Abby wasn't a player anymore, she still couldn't help but miss her past ways. She pulled plenty but now she stuck to herself. Yet she couldn't stop thinking about y/n, the coffee shop girl.

Abby was praying y/n would be going to the party, she wanted to get to know you a little before she pulled anything. She was trying to be a better person, but it was difficult. Her motto became "at least I'm not like Ellie!"

She pulled out a black button up and some light wash jeans. Even though it was only 4:15, she'd like to be early. Once dressed she plopped on the couch....'I wonder what her socials are' Abby began searching.

DinaHoffman -> Katiemariehoffman -> (y/n)(L/n)

"Got it" Abby began clicking and looking through your photos. A picture of Katie and you kissing one another on the cheek, a photo of a coffee on your Instagram story. Some old graduation photos, beach photos, dog photos, a mental health highlight....

"shit" Abby moaned out when she clicked on the highlight named "me👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩" not only did it reveal you might like girls from the emoji, the first photo was you in a dark blue bikini. Your tits were popping out, the double DD's was all she could think about. The next photo was you in a hot pink, tight dress. Your tits vibrant, your ass fat. Abby was foaming at the mouth. She was praying you'd be wearing something sexy to that party, just like she was praying you'd even be there.

Abby felt her face become hot, quickly clicking out of the app and clearing her tabs. She needed to let off some steam. A small shot glass filled with some whiskey.

----------------------------------------------

~ Y/N point of view ~

I chugged my Dunkin' coffee as quickly as possible. I needed to get back to the dorm, I had already went to my class prior to the coffee since I had woken up too late. I was pissed for Ellie being a cunt, I needed her to understand that I'm all real no play.

I sighed in frustration as I opened the door, walking in revealing an empty bed once again. I felt much more calm now knowing I could quickly change in peace. I climbed into the shower, feeling the hot water run down my back. I climbed out wrapping my towel around me, I felt much more at ease until I heard the jingling of Ellie's keys. I came out of the bathroom, steam filling the cold room. Ellie's eyes darted at me, she came rushing towards me. Her eyes darted from my lips to my eyes back to my lips. She pushed herself against me, slipping her tongue into my mouth. I felt her hand run down the arch of my back gripping my ass, she moved down her lips sucking on my neck. She sighed out and backed away after the kisses against my neck, it was filled with passion. I was even more confused.

"Ellie...."

"I have to go but I'll be back to give you a ride"

What. The. Fuck. I watched Ellie grab out her clothes and rush out of the room. Where is she going? and why does she keep leading me on.

A mini chapter and a cliff hanger ;)

part 4

[4awny]

Kyman Week Day 7 - Free Day

(someone grab the tissues)

As Eric Cartman.

Adjusting to a normal life again wasn't as easy as I was convinced it would be. Three years out at this point and I still couldn't adjust.

I was institutionalised. At least that's what Kyle called it. He seemed older than me, almost senior. Because in my head, I was still only 27. I didn't get to live my thirties at all, so when he told me all these stories about the things he did and the places he went, I wanted to soak it all up. I felt envy, not jealousy.  

Kyle made out his life was boring and dull, because he would do. He was more cynical now, moodier than before, but everything else was still the same. He was still the same old Kyle.

"Tell me the one thing you really want to do before you die. It can be literally anything." He asked me one day over breakfast. I think he was trying to get birthday ideas. 

I thought about it for a minute, because it was hard to pick just one thing. "Get married." I said, looking right at him.

"Really?" He asked, surprised. "Because here's the thing about marriage. It's overrated. Expensive as fuck too, I wasted so much money on mine and even more with the divorce proceedings, Christ. I didn't want to do it in the first place, I only did it because-" He stopped when he caught my eyes. "I thought it was what I wanted."

"So, what. You think I'll regret it?" I ask him.

"I mean... if it's what you want?" I could feel his eyes on me as I stabbed my eggs and ate them. I felt his fingers suddenly touch my wrist. "Wait a minute, are you asking me to? As in, you know?" He nodded a few times, unable to actually say it.

I put my fork down to answer his question. "Am I asking you to marry me? Yes. You asked me what I want to do before I die and that's what I want." I said simply and went back to finishing off the scraps scattered around my plate.

"Okay." Kyle said, leaning back into his chair to process it. "Yeah, okay. We'll make it happen." His eyes fell to my near empty plate, smiling to himself.

Three months pass, we tie the knot and it was the happiest day of my life. It was small and nothing fancy, but that's what I liked about it.

That night in the bedroom before bed, I told him I was going to slip into something more comfortable. I came out of the bathroom wearing a dress and started goofing around with him.

"What am I doing?" I repeat his question, looking as confused as ever. "What are you talking about, I always wear this?"

Kyle covered his laugh with the back of his hand. "I really have no idea how you survived inside."

"Unfortunately, they don't provide these sorts of garments in male prisons." I made my way towards the hotel door. "Shame, because it would have been the prettiest way to show my dominance. I'll be back, just going down to the bar. Those pants better be on the floor by the time I get back."

He doesn't say anything, too busy snickering at the state of me. Seeing him laugh like that was the highlight of the day. I waited many years to see that again and it was worth the wait. So worth it.

My daughter was eight when she came to live with us in the house Kyle and I bought together. Her mother was suffering with depression and needed help looking after her.

Kyle always told me I was a great dad, but I thought he did a better job. He was always reminding me of appointments, getting her ready for school, making sure everything was how it should be.

It all changed when he was diagnosed with cancer.

He was 51. Six months of treatment, but it was too advanced. I gave up my job to care for him and I watched him deteriorate. I stayed with him until the bitter end and I'll never forget our last conversation.

I asked him not to leave yet, I begged him to stay another day.

"You'll be fine." He told me, breathing the words out as he struggled to keep his eyes open. "You're a good person, Eric."

He fell asleep after that and I laid next to him, holding his hand the entire night. When the morning came, I pulled back the drapes and opened the window to let some air in. I caughtef an early bird picking worms out of the grass in the yard and that's when I felt the shift. I turned around and I went still.

Yeah, and just like that, he was gone.

It's now been a year since the date of his passing and I sit alone by his grave, weeding out the dying flowers I brought last week and replacing them with fresh ones.

"Hey, I was speaking to my therapist today." I say to him as I pull out my camping stool and sit down. "Asking me stupid questions as usual. One of them really stumped me though, so I'm wondering if you'll know."

I reach into my bag and retrieve two glasses. I pour a shot of whiskey in both and place one glass on his headstone. "Do you remember how we first met?"

I listen to his answer and I chuckle to myself, because I already know what he's going to say. I sit there for a while, listening to past conversations we had an re-living them out loud. By the end of my weekly visit, my eyes start to weep.

I think about how unfair it is. What happened to him wasn't fair, it should have been me. After everything I did, how was I the one still alive and standing? These thoughts creep up on me now and then, but I'm slowly starting to accept it now.

No, life isn't fair. But it's fairer than death.

Kyle told me that once.

7 / 7

Prev

You'll be fine - Ao3, final chapter uploaded

this was a challenge but also real fun. til next year!

[ugh-yoongi]

Hi Jewel.

I don’t want to overburden you in your grieving process, so feel free to ignore this message completely. I lost my cat today and I need a little space to talk about it. My friends and family, while supportive, are a little too much for me to handle right now.

My cat, was not even 9 years old. His ninth birthday would be in October. He was with me for 7 years. He passed away last night and I only found him today. I was getting ready for work and just found him, in his little cat house. I tried waking him up up and when he didn’t respond, I just grabbed him and in that moment I knew, I knew he passed away, but adrenaline and shock just fueled me. I took him to the vet. They told me he had no heartbeat when I brought him. I can’t believe he’s no longer here. He was my first cat too - and I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m just so broken. Could I have done more? He had asthma. What if he had an attack while I was asleep and died by himself, and I just did not hear him?

I thought we’d have more time together. Now I’m just… broken. With his cathouse, and treats, and food, and medication.

I’m sorry. I feel for you. I’ve lost pets in the past, who all crossed over peacefully. One would think it would be easier to deal with the emptiness with time, but it’s not. I’m sending you a big hug.

hi friend, i am going to respond to you under a cut because i am sure i will ramble.

so much of what you've written here resonates. my cat, linus, would've been 13 in october as well, and he also had asthma. diagnosed when he was a year and a half. i always thought any time i had with him was a gift, because it was "borrowed." but it still wasn't enough.

i'm so sorry for your loss. i wish i knew what to say to make it hurt less. all i can offer you is empathy and a space to talk about your friend if you would like to do so.

it really is just... so hard. especially when they pass so suddenly. like, i knew linus was not doing well, especially in the last year or so—his asthma became unmanageable and we were out of options—but thursday night he was fine. all last week he brought us toys and yelled at us for food and slept with us and it didn't feel like "his time" yet. i thought i'd know.

there's just a hole, which i'm sure you know. i held it together pretty well for the rest of the day on friday and then lost it while vacuuming on saturday because i didn't want to vacuum up the last of his fur and not know it. i lost it yesterday because one of my other cats brought us a toy but they didn't make the silly sounds linus used to make when he did the same thing. i lost it last night when it was bedtime and the cats came into the bedroom but i didn't hear linus's toenails on the hardwood specifically.

but it's so, so important to remember that we've done the best we can with what we were given. asthmatic cats are so hard, and i can guarantee your friend lived his absolute best life with you. just from what you've written to me, i know he was so loved, and i know he loved you just as much in return.

thank you for telling me about him. one thing that has brought me so much comfort the last few days is just... other people having known him? having met him? he was my whole world, so just the fact that he existed outside of me and my home... i don't know. he was just the best, and it's been so lovely for everyone to have their own silly little linus stories or even laugh at his funny body proportions. so i hope sharing a little about him with me helps you, too.

i don't know what happens after we leave this world, but i do truly believe we see our friends again. i know i love that cat too much for this to have been a permanent goodbye. i will wish the same for you.

please feel free to come back whenever you need to. <3

[marlesbian]

My Wonderflower: their story

note: (if by this point you don't know what Wonderflower is I can't even with you fr. it's Alice/Lily btw now shush) (if u don't like the ship just ignore it) Of course since it's by me, it is 100% canon compliant, otherwise where's the fun amirite???

They met on Lily's first week at Hogwarts, Alice was a year ahead of her. She caught Lily crying alone on a corner because she was getting bullied by blood supremacists, and one girl called her a freak, which made her remember her sister. She told all of that to Alice and the other girl felt a wave of sympathy, even though she was an only child and a pureblood, she knew how awful those people were. So she took Lily by the hand and led them both to her room, she started playing Fleetwood Mac, to just look at the ceiling and forget about the world. A week later, Alice called Lily, it was time for her to teach the younger girl some "defensive" magic (it was actually offensive magic, hexes and jinxes to attack anyone who tried to mess with her). Any time Alice learned a cool new defensive spell, she also taught it to Lily as well.

So they became close, always having "dates" in the library to study, and Alice always invited Lily to her dorm to watch a movie. During vacations, Alice made sure to go at least once to Lily's city so they could go to the cinema together. Since she was a year ahead, she usually provided Lily with her notes from previous years, Lily even helped her with her studies sometimes. They shared clothes and records, and they could talk about anything, they never ran out of a topic to talk about and it was always interesting. They were closest to one another, besides their respective friend groups (for Lily; Marlene Mary, and for Alice; Emmeline, Caradoc and Benjy).

What Lily didn't know, whas that she was in love with Alice. She had always been, even from that first day when she took her to listen to Fleetwood mac, she had fallen in love with her. But she didn't want to think about the implications of falling in love with a woman, she didn't want to think about what it would be like to tell her family. Alice, on the other hand, was thrilled! she knew her parents wouldn't mind her being with a woman, much less her friends, yes it would be a problem to society but who gave a fuck? So she made her move.

They started dating when Lily was 15, and they kept it a secret, only their closest friends knew about it, they dated for two whole years. It made Alice angry, the fact that she couldn't scream to the rooftops that she was in love, she wanted to show her off to the world. One of the reasons Lily declined James that time he asked, was because she was with someone else, she didn't feel the slightest bit of interest for the boy, and besides, telling people was dangerous, especially with the war and all of that supremacist and traditionalist bullshit.

When Alice graduated, they really did try to stay together, they really really did. But it didn't work. They broke up the day after Alice's birthday, Lily had told a shitty excuse at school to spend the weekend away. They had the perfect honeymoon weekend, their last night together had been perfect, they had the sweetest goodbye, but Sunday had come and it was time to face reality, and the reality was that the war had caught up to them. Alice barely had time for anything since she was training to be an auror, Lily spent every second at that school it was very dangerous for alice to send correspondence or to communicate with anyone who wasn't physically by her side. It was time to face the music: they wouldn't end this war together. They both cried their eyes out, this was not what they wanted. Lily got back to Hogwarts devastated, eyes swollen from the crying and a feeling of emptiness in her chest. She got to see the girls and she just let it all go, told them everything, about how her heart was broken and there was nothing anyone could do to change it. She spent all week feeling like shit.

But, as always, time heals everything. The months passed and it stopped hurting, they could move on now. With the going of spring, came the feelings for someone else, and Lily felt good about it. She started dating James, two months later she found out Alice was dating Frank. They had found love again, a love that they could actually show in public, and this new feeling felt good. Frank proposed to Alice on the 2nd anniversary of *the* breakup, and she was so happy she didn't even notice. (when she did notice, she cried for a whole hour).

Life had moved on, they were both now happily married to their respective husbands. Fate had conspired for them to become mothers together, even if not how they had dreamed as teenagers. They were happy, their love for one another never died, it never would, it just changed.

[dancing-to-architecture]

34 - The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

THE album that got me through high school.

No joke, there was a week in my life, i want to say Junior year, where i listened to the song "1979" *at least* a hundred times. I most certainly hung down with the freaks and ghouls.

Also, this is a Double Album, so buckle in, because this is gonna be a *long* one.

(editing afterwards: yeah, it took me over a week to get through. Who'd have figured this one would have some pretty heavy shit associated with it that would put me in a really bad headspace for a while?)

Actually cutting this one, because I'm not THAT much of an asshole.

[Dawn to Dusk]

•Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness-

Such a simple little piano piece, but so pretty, and then the other layers start coming in and it continues to ascend. Up there on my all-time favorite intro tracks list.

•Tonight, Tonight-

The song that made me want to be a drummer. Jimmy Chamberlain beats the shit out of his drum set all towards the end of this one, but in a way that almost feels...polite.

The violins and cello soar throughout the entirety, this song really wouldn't be as amazing without them.

Regardless of how you may feel about Billy Corgan's voice, if these lyrics don't resonate with you, then congratulations on being the happiest person to exist.

The longing, the wanting to be wanted, the dread of the possibility of misplaced hope, the terror that these might be the best days of your life, but you won't notice until much, much later...

Now, if only we could get on with that "crucifying the insincere" business.

•Jellybelly-

This riff is a fucking killer.

I've always associated this one with optimistic nihilism. Everything's fucked, we're trapped in the belly of the beast, there's no way out, but there's nothing stopping us from doing whatever we want *because* nothing matters.

•Zero-

The bass line to end all bass lines.

More nihilism, but much less optimistic this time. More of a "she's here and she makes me happy and that's literally the only thing in the world that matters at this point" vibe.

•Here Is No Why-

The malaise of the star. Rich and famous and a household name and utterly, utterly depressed. I might be*the only one* who thinks this, but i kinda always saw this song as a kind of weird goodbye ode to Kurt Cobain, who's basically the poster boy for 'rock stars who never, ever wanted to actually be famous'.

•Bullet With Butterfly Wings-

Show me a better opening line than "The world is a vampire, sent to drain."

I used to like this song a lot more as a teenager than i do nowadays, likely because at this point it feels like: "what are you rebelling against?" "What do you got?!"

Just lashing out at anyone and anything, but ultimately it really doesn't matter and was a waste of time, effort, and anger. You're still just a rat in a cage.

•To Forgive-

A lot more chill musically after Bullet, but the lyrics are way harsher, talking about loss and pain and childhood trauma.

"I sensed my loss, before i even learned to talk.

And i remember my birthdays,

Empty party afternoons won't come back."

We moved *a lot* when i was a kid (5 schools in 6 years), so i was always the New Kid, Weird Kid, don't talk to him, we don't know him, shun him and maybe he'll leave.

This one always hit me hard.

•Fuck You (An Ode To No One)-

Back to the heavy riffs, back to angry Billy.

The constant New Kid finally hits high school and hasn't moved again, and he hates everybody because everybody hated him for years, but he hates himself the most because he simply cannot leave.

"Destroy the mind, destroy the body, but you cannot destroy the heart.

I don't need your love to disconnect."

•Love-

Fun fact: the guitar is so fuzzy and distorted that the first time i heard this song i thought my headphones had just broken.

Possibly Billy at his most nasal.

Last song i screamed that i didn't *need* your love, but that doesn't mean that i don't *want* it.

The heavily distorted guitar tones sound great throughout the song, but the solo rules.

•Cupid de Locke-

When i say "i love strings in rock music", I'm typically referring to the violin or the cello, (or the double bass if you're TRULY nasty), but i have to say that the harp is a truly underrated instrument these days: incredibly pretty, but incredibly difficult to play well, and it's played so well here.

The lyrics kinda feel like Billy tried his hand at some Shakespeare, and it mostly works.

•Galapogos-

This one hits me a lot harder now than it did when I was a kid, but who could expect a fifteen year old to really get a line like: "and tell me, am i still the man I'm supposed to be?"

But now? That line really resonates with the layers of self-doubt and revulsion that i have utilized as armor for the last 20 or so years, not to mention the more modern confusion and realization regarding things like gender and sexuality.

"And should i fall from grace, here with you,

Will you leave me, too?"

•Muzzle-

And the first line of this one continues the feeling of inadequacy from the last song:

"I fear that i am ordinary, just like everyone."

Without trauma-dumping, lemme just say this one hits close to home.

"I know that i am meant for this world."

Another one where Jimmy is beating the absolute shit out of those drums.

The end of it just feels like the prettiest, nicest ego-annihilating trip ever, to be honest.

•Porcelina of the Vast Oceans-

This intro is so pretty, but it's also interminably slow.

This was honestly one i usually skipped back in the day.

Billy is just being really extra Billy through most of the verses, and though James, D'arcy and Jimmy go ham throughout at least half of the 9 whole damn minutes of it, it's not quite enough to save us from Billy's poetry.

(My phone autocorrected that last word to pussy and you will not BELIEVE the strength it took to fix it.)

And then, an equally long outro and we're almost *halfway* done!

•Take Me Down-

I was always in love with James Iha's voice.

A ver sweet little song, almost a lullaby. If you have never felt like this, i feel bad for you.

Man, i just don't like that last line though.

[Twilight to Starlight]

•Where Boys Fear To Tread-

I LOVE this whole intro. What a great way to start the second half of the album. Doom_barrel_explosion.wav usage and everything. WAKE THE FUCK BACK UP.

This one IS heavy enough to save us from Billy's poetry.

•Bodies-

•Thirty-Three-

One my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs, though like The List, mutable positioning is always involved.

Certainly one of the prettiest, imo.

This one is really tied with 1979 for "lyrics that could be a chapter from my biography", just... Very different chapters.

•In The Arms Of Sleep-

No joke: the title is correct. This was on a sleep-themed mix CD i had back in the day, just to have music on but nothing that would be too jarring.

Which is really selling this one short, because it's mellow but gorgeous.

•1979-

A song i have literally done speeches about. One of my all-time favorite songs.

One of my favorite music videos. This song is "high school". It's "adolescence", in all of its ups and downs and confusion and depression and (possible, occasional) glory.

•Tales Of A Scorched Earth-

This might be one of the hardest intros on this whole damn album, possibly one of e heaviest songs overall.

Angry Billy at his best, imo. This song is so fucking mad at everyone.

•Thru The Eyes Of Ruby-

I always figured this was about commitment anxiety, especially with the lines with marriage symbolism.

Really cool instrumentation that gets harder as it goes.

•Stumbeline-

Funny thing, the last song was 7 minutes long, but this one FEELS 7 minutes long. Acoustic strumming and more of Billy's poetry. There are some good lines in this one, but a lot of not great ones. 🤷

•X.Y.U.-

Another rather heavy song with some pretty dark lyrics.

And i apologize for an earlier mistake, THIS is the heaviest song on this album.

I liked this one more when i was a kid, but that was also when i was really into nu-metal, so...

•We Only Come Out At Night-

So, i have spent quite a few years working in the arena of late-night pizza, as well as made attempts at being some kind of warrior/poet, and this song feels incredibly accurate to large parts of my life.

"It's goofy, but i love it anyway." -how i feel about this song, also, words my wife has likely said about me.

•Beautiful-

This sounds like the kind of song that might get accidentally played at a wedding because they only half-heard half of the lyrics and didn't realize it's about a stalker.

•Lily (My One And Only)-

One of the better-written songs about a Peeping Tom, in that by the time you realize what's actually going on in the song, it's already almost over.

•By Starlight-

I really like this one overall, but the dead eyes parts makes me think of Jaws. (Dead eyes, like a doll's eyes...)

Did...did Billy fall in love with a shark?

•Farewell and Goodnight-

Another almost lullaby song, and it's really nice and peaceful with the whooshing noises and hand drumming throughout.

More of James singing is always nice, and D'arcy has a pretty voice as well. Man, i forgot how much i liked this one, and the return of the leitmotif in the very first song is such a nice closing to the album, very circular.

Okay... this album has taken me DAYS to get through (thanks ADHD) and it's finally done. Now... to power through the backlog.

Okay, Spotify, this album is long enough already, do we really need the super hyper deluxe edition with 4 ½ extra *hours* of demos, other takes or arrangements?

Who wants this? How often is any of it actually listened to by humans? Why the fuck can't i just listen to the regular, no frills, no demos, standard-ass version of this album?

Gripes with corporations aside, this is on my top 20 all-time favorite albums list.

(Do not ask to see the list, manifesting the concrete existence of the list is like nailing down your shadow.)

For better or worse, this album had a hand in shaping my adolescence.

It's safe to say that i might have been a better person overall during my 20s had i never heard this album.

There are some songs on it that are very likely to be going through my head on my deathbed. I will carry this album with me for the rest of my life.

Which is why it is sucks that Billy Corgan is such an asshole! In this TED Talk i....

[the-fandom-is-now-my-life]

Hi! Request for 300 followers event. Genshin AU.🌸

It so happened that y/n birthday falls on a school day and she can't celebrate it with her family, which makes her very upset. But her friends decide to make a surprise and organize a cozy holiday together. As it turned out, the guy has romantic feelings for y/n and gently shows it. Even her roommate noticed it, but her doesn't notice it. And at the end of the celebration, he still directly confesses his feelings.

As one friends and roommate I see Xinyan and guy is maybe Thoma or Tartaglia. As an additional factor due to which y/n cannot celebrate her birthday with her family, it may be that she is a foreigner.

I'm bad with English and gender-neutral pronouns, so forgive me. Although I wrote about y / n in the fem, it would be nice if she was gn.

Love you😘

First ask for the event!

Wc: 2.3k

The snow is thicker up the mountain than back home, usually you would have complained to Dan that it was unfair that the students up there could get to see such beautiful sights as a freshly fallen snow on grass or the small icicles that formed on the roofs. Now, being one living in the so wished place you can't help but kick your younger self, it's beautiful indeed but you got seven comforters and it's still freezing cold 

" YN!" A familiar voice whines over you as her hands try to rip you off your blanket cocoon " it's a Sunday night! And tomorrow our earliest class is at 9! Let's go to the practice room! Or even watch a movie or something!!" Even if she should keep her voice down and try not to be seen as to not get kicked out of your dorm intro her own xinyan still isn't shy about your 'illegal' sleepover 'everyone did it once! Xingqiu sleep four nights a week at chongyun's room. it's okay' she always insists

Looking to the side you see the clock, 12:07 am " today's class you would want to say" 

" Same difference! We got nine hours, we can stand to watch a movie for an hour or so!" Quickly ripping a blanket out of your cocoon she whines at the many layers she would have to take off before you are out

" Give me this birthday gift, mkay? It's really cold and I really want to sleep. Pleeeeaase?" 

Her body stiffens over you " aaah? It's your birthday?? OMG! Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to plan something for you!" She hugs you and kisses your head " happy birthday bestie!" 

Hugging her back you answer " I'm just a bit homesick from having to spend my first birthday without my family and so" you try to detangle your hair with one hand 

" Bestie, at least you should have told me, we could have gone out to shop for clothes or eat at xiangling's restaurant " 

" Oh well, for next year then." 

" Huff. Whatever "

The next morning the clock strikes at 8:30 and  the mattress on the floor is empty and cold. Did xinyan really get so angry at you that she left early? The thought makes your chest ache

Putting on your uniform you walk to school to eat breakfast at the canteen. Maybe you could eat something sweet like the dango milk and Sakura mochi you saw last week at the Inazuma stand. Or maybe something savory like a kebab or a fisherman's toast? Choices choices choices.

By the time you arrive you have to make do with what was left, you did get to grab a bottle of dango milk but there were no mochi or taiyaki so you grab a rice ball. Hopefully the class won't last that long 

Two hours hearing a teacher bicker about theater and make up for each character could have been interesting had curiosity not been in your head. Why did xinyan leave so early? You don't think the internships at the school band were until next month. Oh well, you can survive a class without your friend.

As soon as the clock ticked everyone stormed off the room. That means it should be around 11. Thankfully next class' teacher is absent so that leaves you free until 1pm. Maybe you could go to a cat Cafe for brunch? If you showed your student ID maybe you could get a birthday discount or something. But touching around your neck you don't feel the familiar fabric around it. You must have forgotten to put it on when you woke up, it should be in your nightstand 

If you run, maybe you could get there by 12 and order a lemon key pie or a tres leches cake and some coffee or tea.

Running down the  main stairs to your dorm you see a head peek out of a tree. Is that xiangling's  hair? Before you approach someone grabs your hand. It's  Thoma.

" YN!" His smile is bright and contagious enough that you match his energy in seconds " where are you going? Shouldn't you be in class?" 

" Oh? My teacher is absent for next class so I have two hours free" you answer 

" Really?" He exclaims before  lamenting " it never happened to me before, at best we could get out early but we never lost a class in the middle of the day"

Softly you laugh " is there anything you wanted?" 

" Oh, yeah!" He exclaims "as you don't have anything to do, will you  come with me? I have to go run some errands and I would prefer to have someone to chat with!' His smile is wide and bright as the sun, it also serves the purpose of warming your heart a little. 

" I was going to the cat Cafe but I can tag along with you" you follow him walking the commercial zone " what do you need to do?" 

He vaguely answers " oh I just got to pick up a few things. Ayaka wanted some sweets and ayato's order arrived so I'm picking everything up "

" Okay, let 's go!" 

The variety store is the closest one to the school, they sell everything from pens and paper to jewels and fabric. Looking around the shop while Thoma speaks with the employee you see so many kind of things, from violet gems that gave a tiny electric shock to a stand with different types of pearls right next to a feathery fabric. 

Running your fingers up and down the material you feel the tiny feathers follow your movement. So soft and comfy 

" Know i charged extra given the express delivery fee" the voice of the male employee sounds fed up, dragging every word 

" Oh, yeah, don't worry, special occasion" looking to the side he asks " can i add something else?"

" Yes"

" Can I buy 3 meters of that fabric over there?" He points towards you playing with it 

" Okay. Just let me cut it"

" Oh! I will come back for the fabric just ring it in and I'll come back later" sighting the cashier nods

" Okay, that will be 1500 mora plus the fabric " he mumbles some numbers

" Here, thanks " he leaves a bag with coins and grabs the bag " yn we are leaving" 

The cafes and restaurants are closer to the exit, seemingly it's because students coming in will be starving and students leaving already ate at the school. You see xiangling's dad frying some rice and meat, you would greet him but you wouldn't want to break his focus.

The cafe that Thoma leads you to is an Inazuma specialty shop. Seemingly there has been an influx of Inazuman students after their borders opened a few years ago.

" Is Ayaka really keen on sweets?" It sounds obvious to Thoma but he knows you have yet to know her

" Of course" he accentuates those words " she has a liking for raindrop cake specially, but it's hard to get so she is happy with having mochi" 

" Do you like sweets? I see you grabbing dango when I go to the cafeteria"

" Oh I'm not that much of a fan" he turns left on one of the corners  " i like savory better. Do you like sweets?" 

" I LOVE sweet things" he looks towards you, seemingly surprised from the emotion in your voice"  the lemon cake that the cat's tail serves is identical to my aunt's. So nostalgic" you fake cleaning a tear 

Thoma laughs " my, oh my. Didn't know you liked sweets that much " he enters a building and you follow along

The conversation with the girl was short but you couldn't understand a word. The Inazuman language is really different to the one spoken in your town. Quickly the girl goes behind to the kitchen and leaves you alone for a few minutes

" I have never heard Inazuman language before. It really is different from mondstrat's" you tell him

" It really is" he smiles lightly " it took me weeks to understand the locals. More so answer! It was so embarrassing. Once I asked for a box of tomatoes but got slapped because I asked the girl if she was pregnant!"  He laughs. You truly hope it was a joke. 

"No way!" 

" I SWEAR! I was so embarrassed I couldn't go to her shop for a month. I'm so happy there is at least one shop that reminds me of home" 

" Inazuman sounds so nice, tell me something in it " 

Thoma thinks for a second before smiling  "月が綺麗ですね" 

You look at him in awe, admiring how each sounds " that sounds so beautiful! What does it mean?" 

Has it gotten colder? You don't feel so but Thoma's cheeks have gotten redder. " it means 'The moon is beautiful, isn't it?' it is from a book written a long time ago" 

The shopkeeper returns, but now, rather than her stern face from before she is wearing a small smile and handing Thoma a sealed box

Leaving the store you grab Thoma's unoccupied hand " your cheeks seem red so you must be cold!" Thoma's cheeks get warmer than before. It must be freezing.

Walking back to the academy the thought of checking the hour crossed your mind, looking at the clock next to the window of a shop you see it marks 12:40. 20 minutes until the next class. Shit! Turning to Thoma you excuse yourself

" I'm so so sorry! I really have to leave" kissing his cheek goodbye you start running to your next class. 

The classes of art history, regional literature and dramatic reading go by and end at 7:30 pm the sun is almost completely down radiating a golden hue in its leave. Wrapping a scarf around your neck you plan to grab dinner at the cafeteria and maybe watch today's opera or play in the school theater.  Maybe it's Yun Jin play, you heard they are very good.

Leaving the classroom you feel someone hug you " bestie!" It is xinyan " follow me! I got something for you"

" If it's about me missing my birthday, don't worry about it. Truly, I'm not upset" 

" Don't be like that. Follow me" she runs to the exit and to the forest dividing the anemo and Geo dorms " quick, slowpoke!" 

Jumping over a cut tree you catch up to her " ha! Caught you" you hug her around the waist so she can't escape. Either way she wouldn't be able, given the way she is laughing non stop.

" Happy birthday bestie" xinyan pats your head affectionately 

"Surprise!" Chongyun, Xingqiu, xiangling and Thoma pop out of the trees yelling 

" Now, tell me you didn't expect it. At least humor me" she begs

" Well, actually, i didn't"

" This could all be done because of Thoma'' she signals to him who only lets a soft 'hi' 

"he took you around while we set this all up. He even managed to get some info" she pushes your shoulders towards him " and all that last second. Isn't he so reliable?" Her words are suspiciously honeyed

" Yes, i guess" you brush her off 

" Now, c'mon the food is going to get cold, they can kiss later " xiangling yaps while everyone was talking " i didn't cook seven different dishes for you all to 

" Xiangling don't say things like that!" Xinyan berates her slapping her shoulder softly 

" It 's true. I didn't even add garlic as you as-" xinyan covered her mouth before she finished talking. Luckily you were too busy talking with the boys 

" My auntie went to the city to buy you this" says chongyun while giving you small box

" Mine should come in a week or so. I asked for one those foreign novels, supposedly they are funny" xingqui exclaims " if only you had told us before" 

" Who hung those lights?" You look around the top of the trees and see a wire with little lights around 

" Oh, supposedly the hydro residence is going to use it for the new year party so i volunteer to untangle them if I can lend them for today" xingqui " they are supposedly new technology in fontaine" 

" Do you want shrimp?" Chongyun offers one of the golden shrimps 

" Xiangling!" Xingqiu cries out holding a dumplin " there are carrots in here!" 

" I'M SORRY!!"

Watching them bicker about nonsense made you happy. Those were your friends. 

" I got you a gift too" Thoma says in a whisper

" Oh, you didn't have to" you look at him, his face as red as when you kissed him goodbye

He takes a deep breath " no, i insist. Please come with me" 

You two walk further inside the forest, until you couldn't hear your friends anymore

" So?" You sit in a tree stump " what gift deserves so much secrecy?" It's humorous really, how embarrassed he seems over one silly gift. He is so cute. 

That is your line of thought until he kisses you. A kiss a bit too stiff, nervous and short for your liking. When you look at him you see him playing with tye hem of his uniform

" The gift of my… heart"  that last part was a bit hard to spit, seemingly trying to get stuck to his throat " or my love. However it sounds Best" it seems that your friends helped him. Those are sentences only xingqiu could think of " so if you want my gift please tell me tomorrow or Friday, that way I can make you a coat that you will be able to wear this winter if you don't want the first thing" the sentences were long but quickly said. Thoma almost ran out of air

There is a second of silence where you two looked at each other and you give yourself a moment to admire him, his blond hair slightly messy, his jaw clenching, his chest rising up and down, his eyes blown wide with adrenaline. 

" Uh, so, enjoy your party, i bought the cake you said you liked" he left running towards his dorm 

Did he just kiss you, confess his love and now he is running away?? The audacity. 

Some sounds come from bushes a few meters away.

" Did he chicken out?" 

" We missed the kiss??" 

" Yesss, finally"

" Are we going to be uncles?"

" yunyun, shut up"

That is why xiangling didn't use garlic in her stew then.

[hslcat]

I am sitting in my kitchen. My because there is no one else here anymore. I don't think it will ever be my kitchen though, it's always going to be dad's kitchen.

I'm sitting in what is now my kitchen, in my house that feels so big and so empty suddenly, have for the last three weeks.

I'm waiting for my brothers who haven't been home for years, they are supposed to arrive anytime now. I don't really know what they have been up to, haven't really since they got invited to the school.

My three brothers, who got invited to a secret magic school at twelve, who became a part of the magical world and haven't been back for years. My brothers who only are visiting now because of the accident.

The accident, a drunken driver on a gravel road, they hadn't seen him coming around the sharp turn and the cars had hit eachother head-on. They died on inpact, all three of them and they hadn't been found until the morning after by a cyclist.

That's why my brothers are coming home today, the funeral is in a week.

I've lived most of my life in this house, the only time I hadn't was the few years I went to university in another city, but that was still close by.

My brothers on the other hand have lived most of their lives outside this house. Mike got a letter the summer after his twelfth birthday, an invitation to a magical school on the other side of the country, it was a school of magic. It was a boarding school so he only came back for Christmas and summer break, he also made it home for Easter the first three years before he decided to stay at school during the holiday.

Then Jack and Sam got the same latter a little before their twelfth birthday, and we saw as much if not less of them during their time in school.

After graduation they all decided to stay in the magical world, I mean I get why, the magical world is probably more exiting than the normal one and they didn't exactly have the right education for it either.

It still hurt when they became more and more distant until we had no contact.

But they are coming today, they are coming any-

There's a knock on the door.

I get up from the stool I've been sitting on for the last, I don't know how long.

I open the door and there is Mike, older than last time but otherwise almost exactly like I remember him. And next to him, someone I don't recognise, she's holding a suitcase in each hand and Mike is holding-

That's a kid, he's holding a kid. When the fuck did he get a kid?

"Ash! Nice seeing you!" he says it with almost the exact same infliction that he had growing up.

I give home a slight smile before responding, "Hi Mike, who is this" I incline my head towards the woman.

"This is my fiancée Layla, and this" he raises the sleeping kid slightly, "is Christopher, our kid." He's engaged, he's fucking engaged.

"Nice meeting you, you'll be staying in your old rooms. I can get a mattress from the attic for you."

It would have been really nice knowing that there were more people coming, I would have liked to have gotten the extra mattress before they arrived. Now I also see Jake and Sam unpacking the back of the car.

"Oh, that's not necessary." Layla's voice cuts through my thoughts.

"Yes it is, you three don't fit in his bed" I say pointing at Mike.

"No worries, that is easily arranged" she seems confident so I don't protest.

"Okay, then I'll help you with your luggage"

"No worries sis, we've got it" that's Sam, he and Jack had come closer to the door. They look different, I can't exactly put my finger on what is different but some thing clearly is.

"Oh, I'll be in the kitchen, come when you have installed yourselves in your rooms."

They give affirmatives before I go back to the kitchen, dad's kitchen.

It's late enough so I start with dinner, after a bit my brothers and Layla come into the kitchen.

"Anything I can help with sis?" Jack asks.

"Sure, can you put the oven on 200 degrees."

"How do I do that"

All of your siblings, papart from you, have attended a prestigious wizarding school. Now, after all these years, they’re back in your “regular” world… and don’t even know how an oven works.

[aerial-jace]

Sending you back 3, 5, and 8

=3

End-of-year book asks

What were your top five books of the year?

Hmmm... In no particular order:

The Book of Night with Moon - Extremely fun urban fantasy story with the added bonus it's CATS! Won me over to Diane Duane immediately and it was fun reading with y'all. As I said before, not a word wasted with this one. You can really tell she's a master of her craft.

The Big Meow - Great send off to Feline Wizards as a trilogy. I really enjoy how all threads of the previous two books were wrapped up and it really felt like it had an appropriately grand scale. Felt very much like a return to form after the slightly disappointing middle entry, To Visit the Queen.

8 Mindful Steps to Happiness - This year I have been reading more Buddhist books and revisiting a lot of the books that first got me interested in exploring this path over the last 7 years after finally officially converting. This book by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana is my top recommendation for newcomers and Buddhi-curious folks alike.

Open Heart, Clear Mind - Speaking of Buddhist reads this year, this one was the textbook the Sravasti Abbey Friends Education (SAFE) online program courses 1A and 1B which I have been taking this year. I really enjoyed doing the readings and listening to Venerable Thubten Chodron's audio teachings to go along with it every week.

Emptiness and Omnipresence: An Essential Introduction to Tiantai Buddhism - This one's an outlier in my Buddhist reads this year, as it was written by a professor of philosophy that specializes in Asian schools of thought rather than a monastic teacher writing from the perspective of the tradition they practice. Nevertheless, I found it very in line with what I've read from monastics and I feel like the more academic (yet still highly accessible!) tone really gives an interesting alternate perspective to this all.

What genre did you read the most of?

As can probably be guessed from above, mostly Buddhist books! If my count is not mistaken I read 6, the three above plus good karma by Venerable Thubten Chodron, and Mindfulness in Plain English and The Four Foundations of Mindfulness in Plain English both by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana.

Cat xenofiction is a runner up with 4, A Starless Clan books 5 and 6 came out this year, I believe, plus the Feline Wizards trilogy, making 5. It would be a tie if I had finished Ivypool's Heart. OH WAIT! I did read The New Prophecy books 1 and 2 , and am close to the end on the 3rd. Let's go with cat xenofiction then.

Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?

Not really? OTL

But to be fair, I didn't really set any specific ones. I did want to read the TNP box set I got for my birthday but ughhhh. The first half of TNP is kinda tedious.

(BTW, I'm still convinced one of you knows me IRL and snitched because no way my brother would just randomly think of getting me that as a gift. I don't talk to him about my fics like ever.)

[cigarretteluvr]

journaling a count down to twenty one

seven days: I turn 21 soon and it feels like the end of the world. Well, 20 felt like the end of the world too, but that's because I was 19 and didn't know any better. 21 is the Big One, the one i've waited my whole life for. The one where you are deemed to society really an adult: "legal." I guess that legality scares me. I've used my youth as a crutch for so long that I feel like my immaturity has to dissipate during this countdown. And until yesterday I didn't even feel like celebrating 21- and even today I barely do. It feels wrong, worse, it feels empty. How do I celebrate this birthday when every time I blow out the candles I wish he would be here? And when I check my phone at midnight, I'll just be looking for a missed call?

Maybe I should be mourning my adolescence instead of a boy. But I can't help but feel thats just a small piece of a bigger picture, because if I had the love of my life by my side for 21, I don't think I would care very much about the death of my adolescence at all.

I wonder if he would forgive my juvenile impulses if I were to act on them. I wonder if he's as desperate for me if I am for him, and if I asked him to come running he would, because, it's my birthday after all. And we can still chalk it all up to being kids, and being dumb, and being in love and helpless. But I remind myself he probably would think I'm toying with him, or being mean, or being immature. I wish he knew better of me, but I am known to be prone to indiscretion.

I don't even know what I want from him really- anything might do. I guess, really, I want to come back to my place after ordering my first drink (a dirty gin martini) and see his number on my screen as soon as the door shuts, and hear him wish me happy birthday with that nickname he calls me. and in that voice that still gives me butterflies, he would ask me what i did and i would tell him, and it would be normal, just for a call. And maybe then 21 wouldn't be my saddest birthday.

I know that's a fantasy, and i'm barely owed a thought, much less a present. But that, I guess, is my birthday wish this year. Maybe it's bad luck to tell you. But no matter what I blow out the candles to, no matter what I present I get, nothing will compare. and maybe I just need to come to peace with that. But a little part of me hopes, telepathically, he'll know exactly when my door will shut, and my phone will light up with a familiar number, one that will always mean more than 21.

five days: i bought my tiara, it's gold and a little kitschy, but i'm excited to wear it and be princess for a day again (or in my case, a week). 21 is feeling a little more exciting and a little less real. i'm not really sure how to compose myself, i'm not really sure how to feel about it, who to celebrate it with. i've picked the obvious choices but it just doesn't seem right. nothing about this birthweek really has felt right.

im having a birthday party tomorrow and i cant help but think about what additions he’d have to my playlist. he’d probably add something i hate and i would convince him it doesn't work but add it anyway. i was thinking about him crashing my party, the drama. and how he probably would if he could. i thought about the betty of it all, and what i would do if he did. i kept myself awake all night last night thinking about it- not contemplating my answer, just getting excited by it.

i find myself looking for thoughts to distract myself with all day, but they always catch up with me at night. if i plan this party i wont think about it, if i book concerts i wont think about it, sign up for internships, make a checklist with whatever other thousand things i can do in a day and do them. yet i think if he called me right now and asked me to marry him i would-- which is crazy. but it's true. once the distractions run out, once it's summer and i'm alone in my big apartment, and i've done everything i can do by myself in a day, and i don't feel like going to a bar or a club or even out of my room, i'm going to be smearing blood on the walls wishing he was mine. writing poetry about him like they're manifestations and confessions. i'll probably be distracting myself for the rest of my life. what a life.

three days: i got told yesterday by a drunk person that im interesting, because i think things should be so i make them be. and they said that they think that’s admirable, but ultimately wrong. i laughed at them and went back to my friends to dance to faneto.

but it’s true. not that its wrong, but their observation. i never paid much attention to it, i think thats just the way i am and i dont analyze things like that about myself because, well, it is what it is. i think the world is what i make it to be, and that is just my nature, and if i dont like a rule i wont follow it, and if i think something should be a certain way, it is to me. i guess i do live in my own little world. my own constructed little world.

i love living in my own little world. life is nicer here, things make sense here. i have fun here. i can find peace here in whatever chaos i construe.

i wonder how many people admire that about me— is that what people admire about me? have they just not been able to put it into words? he did, he tried anyway, but i guess never said it so succinctly or matter of fact. when he told me there was nobody else like me, that he loves the way i live life, i wonder if thats what he meant and i just might have never understood it until now.

and im turning twenty one (if you havent caught on) and i wonder how that will change. i wonder if it will change, because for a while now i’ve felt like ive been aging backwards. i was told when i was younger i was an old soul and mature for my age. now that im older im told im a free spirit and incredibly youthful. and i dont know if i did that out of my own volition or if i was a special experiment from the universe. i feel like little me felt the agony of a middle aged adult with a 9-5. and now- while i might only be twenty (one) and this might just be how twenty (one) year olds act and feel- i think im childish and naive and getting moreso by the day. and while everyone grows up and matures around me they can call me and use me as a “feel young quick” drug whenever they please, and im just too aloof to understand that that’s not what friendship is.

and i wonder if thats why i feel so lonely? it seems like while people might admire that about me, the own little world of it all, they’ll never understand it, or really resonate with it. they go along with my bits and my quirks- but thats all they really see them as: bits and quirks. im chalked up to quirky and fun, and i thought those were compliments until now. now i realize i might just be completely misunderstood and left to fend for myself in that little world.

it wasnt always this way, i used to have someone by my side who saw me for me and not as some character, and i loved him more than anything and for a million reasons, now including this. and im out of his life and he’s out of mine, and its my birthweek and im realizing all of these things about myself and about life and all i can do about it really is talk into this void and hope someone may care enough to listen. but im still making that birthday wish when i blow out all my candles and hopefully in three days it comes true. he’s still my best friend in my heart and hes always with me in spirit.

i feel so many things— so many conflicting things. angst, misery, bliss, joy, anxiety, peace. but thats what it is to be a girl in her twenties, im learning.

24 hrs, 20 mins: this time tomorrow i'll be at a dive bar named after a pastry in my favorite little town, getting excited to order my first drink at a real bar. a couple hours after that i'll be coming home wondering about a call, and i don't know which i'm more excited for (yes i do).

i'm writing this with my tiara on and i can't believe its almost the end of birthweek. it's almost the end of twenty- which is crazy in and of itself. twenty was so full of love and adventure and learning and change and happiness and tragedy. but i loved every second of it. my favorite memories will be suck in twenty, even though i know i'll make more. the golden ones live in twenty.

not only is my birthday creeping up but so is summer. i'll be here for a good chunk of it- the way we had planned together- and i'll be entertaining myself however i can. keeping busy, but we already talked about that. summer is my favorite time of year i think. I love winter with all my heart, i love who i am in the winter, i love the memories i have with winter, i love how winter feels and smells. but the year never starts until summer. my summers are dreamy and exciting and chaotic in the best way. i love the heat, i love the air, i love the freedom. it's gemini season and i was raised in the sun, how could you expect any less from me?

and while i might be mostly alone this summer, i refuse to let it go to waste. i'm being given access to the rest of the world, i'm alone, and have nothing but time to do anything and everything i love. and even though i was supposed to do it with him, i'll do it in honor of him instead. in honor of the dazzling summer we once planned for ourselves. It seems like a summer in socal is what my life has been leading up to, as dramatic as that sounds. but i feel ready- i am ready. i'm ready to be twenty one, i'm ready to pretend to be an adult with my apartment and my responsibilities and i'm ready to chase my dreams after manifesting them for so long. maybe this is just jupiter, or the moon, or the tiara, or gemini talking, but i'm so ready for all the blessings the universe has planned for me. i'm ready for the lessons i'll learn in this new era. and maybe it'll all lead me one step closer to him. so i'm ready for it (or so i think right now, at least. i still have a good chunk of time to change my mind. but i don't think i will).

this took me 20 minutes to write, so now this time tomorrow i'll be celebrating twenty one, i'll be waiting for my drink, and i'll be feeling a freedom i'll likely only feel a few times more after twenty one. and i'll close my eyes, and make my birthday wish even through that feeling.