#i think its about cptsd so it makes sense

[abyss55199794]

sam

[ouroboobos]

If you were abused (especially in childhood) your ability to navigate relationships and interpersonal conflicts is most likely stunted because your social skills and attitudes were molded around a highly irrational traumatic environment that does not translate effectively into everyday life. Subsequent uncomfortable truth is that you almost definitely developed abusive patterns of behavior to survive and you can't victim your way out of it. And it sucks really bad because it's literally not your fault that you were placed in an environment where those behaviors made sense. You have to confront those patterns and be very real with yourself about it otherwise it simply will not get better and then the cycle will continue on.

[dhampir-dyke]

[artanogon]

the real question is dpdr or did . and who

giving your favorite character a dissociative disorder is free and easy

[fictionkinfessions]

I've seen enough asks on here about the topic, so I just want to say:

If you identify as a system, GO GET THERAPY. Being a system is not a "normal" human thing and it definitely means you need fucking therapy. You can't just call yourself a system and call it a day. You cant just say you're KINNING, either, because the kin community goes back decades and it is bigger than some teenager on tumblr picking up kins from your mutual's posts. My honest, genuine opinion is that anyone with 100+ kinds or alters IS NOT ACTUALLY A SYSTEM. You are just young and impressionable and the world is in shambles right now and theres a sense of comfort in being someone else. Everyone wants to know who they really are and you will NOT figure it out until you're in your 40s. If it brings you comfort, fine. But go get therapy so they can tell you how to ACTUALLY cope with the real world instead of using "escapism." Escapism is not the answer to your problems and you still have to deal with them.

I say this as a person who felt inhuman since before I was 10yo. I even told my dad about it back then. And I've been watching the way the "community" has changed over time. You are not a polyfragmented system if you have 100+ kins, you are just trying to find an identity that fits you. Kinning nowadays is a good FIRST STEP. But I cannot stress enough that CPTSD, autism, and ADHD mix together to cause dissociative episodes. Maybe you should all look into it and find peace with yourselves before adding a new kintype to your list

All of this being said, yeah I do think having a bunch of kintypes is fine. It's okay for one alter to kin a handful of different people and shift between them. But you do not need individual listings for each separate one. You do not need to make a new proxy with pluralkit. I see people confessing to only seeing a character ONCE and kinning them. It doesn't work like that. Take some time to think about it. Its IMPORTANT to figure out if these similar kins are actually just the one person instead of assuming they're someone new. If you actually had 100+ kins (that you treat like individual alters) you would not be functional

...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my mom I would blow up her entire household and myself in a gas explosion if my parents built me a house to live in?

TW for descriptions of child abuse and suicide mention

I (22NB) cut off my abusive father (mid40M) and left home when I turned 18. I'm going to call him Harry (fake name) from now on because I'm going to have to talk about him a lot. When covid lockdowns started I had to leave home because I phsyically could not be in the same room as Harry without fully disassociating and would constantly have homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts and panic attacks just hearing him walk around the house or talk from locked away in my bedroom. Growing up Harry would phsyically and verbally abuse me, he's thrown me out of a window and locked me outside of the house, pinned me to the ground and stabbed me in the back of the neck with a pair chopsticks, slapped me, kicked me while I was curled up on the ground and so on. My mom (mid40F) would watch all these things and never did anything to stop the abuse, his abuse started ramping down when my little brother was born (12M) so most of these things happened to me from 6 years old to being 10. Harry has never been phsyically and verbally abusive towards my mom or my siblings I was his only victim at home.

I developed a slew of mental illness traits the main of which being diagnosed cPTSD from this abusive upbringing. I also ended up developing a phsyical disability that limits my mobility when I was turning 20, I live alone and the house I live in is extremely unaccessible and even dangerous for me to live in. Because of this I am still in regular contact with my mom getting her help with things I can't manage to do on my own due to my disability. Her and Harry are planning to move out to the countryside and have a house built there so I am aware I won't be able to rely on her for too many years longer. One day she mentions to me that apparently they had been planning to build me a small house tucked away at the back of their property for me to live in so she could keep taking care of me. I'd never heard of this plan before and never asked for anything like this.

First of all I found it incredibly demeaning to build a little doghouse out of sight to keep your traumatized disabled child like an unwanted pet only kept around out of pity and some sense of responsibility, my mom comes from a culture where its the norm to treat disabled people like this and make sure they are unseen but I did not appreciate it. Second of all this would literally be the most nightmarish scenario for me to live through possible, I can't drive I don't have a car and there is no public transport or delivery services for food and grocceries at all outside of the capital of my country. My mom doesn't drive either so she would put me in a scenario where literally every single aspect of my life would become completely dependent on my transphobic abuser that I still get full blown PTSD episodes even just thinking about. My house, my food, where I can go and getting to the doctor would all become completely at the mercy of Harry in this situation. This is when I told my mom if put in this situation I would blow up all of us in a gas explosion to escape it because that's how awful living through that would be.

She didn't really react to me saying I would blow all of them up if this happens because I use exaggerated violent language often, she just called me ungrateful. While it was mainly to express just how bad this situation would be for me it was also somewhat meant as a threat, due to my disability I've had other family members try to get me declared legally incompetent so they could get a government caregiver from me. My parents could absolutely use the law to force me into this housing situation even as an adult, it was partially a threat because I wanted it in their heads that it a bad idea for them to do this to me, realistically I would just commit suicide to escape it instead. My cPTSD makes me incapable of having grounded thoughts and reactions to the things that trigger it, I know my mental problems make me an asshole a lot of the time but I just want to live my shitty life as painlessly as possible for however long I've got left.

What are these acronyms?

[angel---eater]

thinking about plural dirkhal again in terms of their sense of self and their loneliness and the ramifications of their loneliness and how that could be leading into ult!dirk's potential end game in hsbc,

dirk being permanently awake on derse and able to be active in both 'waking' and 'dreaming' states can SO EASILY be read as dissociation

very very similar to being on front while also keeping an eye on the headspace and what's happening inside it. and a handful of pages next is why i think he's dissociating

the text really speaks for itself at this point. but im also thinking.. okay, roxy and jake are in very similar, totally isolated and dangerous situations, could they be read as legit plural too? jake, yes. roxy, i dont think so

jake is very very in his own head anyway. boy kisses his posters and has imaginary fights with his best friend in his own brain about it both before and after BGD is a thing, and who knows how often or for how long he does this on the weekly. jake has weird brain shit going on anyway so its also very easy for us to see him as plural. and ill take a little side tangent to explain in brief why i think thats a thing to consider

theres very real reason to believe that along with needing to be predisposed to dissociation, there might be some brain chemical type neurodiversity more in line with stuff like autism/ADHD/ADD/etc* that also makes someone more predisposed to plurality. and i'm mentioning this specifically because if we read dirk+hal and jake as plural, then their plurality was 'created' by something other than extreme physical abuse. this should be a no-brainer but with the state of 'The Syscourse' rn i guess it should be stated that plurality can form from things other than CSA and other acts of violence. DID/OSDD+ are conditions falling under the CPTSD umbrella and oh boy do all the homestuck characters have CPTSD. prolonged stress can kill you if not addressed or treated, its very easy for me to believe folks when they say that no one physically harmed them, but that an unstable enviornment was 'enough' to cause their plurality. anything can traumatize or affect a small kid, especially if that kid is particularly skittish or delicate. complete and total isolation is MORE than enough for plurality to happen in my eyes, not to mention how jake lives in total fear of his surroundings. i think that if jake is also plural, which i do, he probably has a type of OSDD with one distinct introject (brain ghost dirk) compared to dirk and hals DID

there's also the added complication of jake's canonical brain damage, which, i mean. some people recover from brain injuries with entirely different tastes in food, like their pallete has literally been rewired. some people recover from brain damage and their personalities and sense of selves change DRASTICALLY**. some folks wake up from comas with the total loss of one or several senses. the brain is fucking weird and we still dont really know everything it can do, and plurality is especially underresearched, and poorly handled when people in the relevent fields DO try to research and study it

which then leaves us with roxy and whether or not theyd also be plural and they just... kind of doesn't show any of the signs to me? he isnt really shown to dissociate, they're not really in their own head like jake is. they overdrink to the point of blacking out seemingly often, as we see dirk and jane reference several times, and they do have strange dreams, but they're moreso dreambubble activity and their own latent void powers. other than that, roxy is alarmingly singlet-coded compared to the other kids who are portrayed with signs of plurality. of which there are many. even their own splinters are very isolated within themselves and not shown to be aware of each other compared to everyone else. they never really have any kind of Moment with a clone, either. which is why i think that, despite roxy sharing trauma with dirk, hal, and jake, that they're a singlet

but looping back to dirk and hal

we rlly do see dirkhal as an intersystem relationship gone very very wrong. they never got a chance to stabilize together. they took the choice of integration*** away from themselves, completely by accident. i fully believe that dirk had no idea what the consequences of creating the AR were. i mean how tf could he- in his 13 year old mind he was just making a cool program. he wanted to do it because he was interested in the process. he wanted to create an AI responsibly, even though he was on the fence about it. jake was the one who pep talked him into it, and callie only started telling her friends about godtier stuff on the day they started the game. he didnt know. and i mean

cmon man

his immediate Sounds kind of stupid. is straight up DID denial to me. 'if i dont percieve it, it isnt real' kind of shit, very literally. if you dont look too close, then your focus just slips away from what your brain doesnt want you to see yet. he was doing plural shit ALL DAY, including talking to himself AR his accidentally escaped alter, and then he outright describes DID in what are probably the only words he has to illustrate how he lives, and he says its stupid LMAO. boy be so for real.

this combined with his refusal and FEAR of acknowledging AR/Hal as a person smacks of pre-system-awareness denial to me. he's so close to true awareness, but something (someone?) in his brain is holding him back. maybe its another splinterself, maybe its an 'original' Hal, still in their system, just locked away under amnesia barriers and forced deeper by dirk's concious and subconsious fear of the accidental copy he made of him in the AR.

dirk and hal should have a good relationship. having a good relation with your headmates means survival, life, and growth for the entire system. canon compliant dirkhal is plural tragedy of some of the highest caliber ive ever come across. they should be together and they're horrified of it, but they're even more horrified of finding themselves ripped apart

and then there's Ult!Dirk, who IS fully, permanently system aware now, and is in the post-awareness SPIRAL. hes fucking tailspinning. he doesnt know how to handle it, and i dont blame him either. i would KILL for ult!dirk to get his own vriska hell arc, i'm really really hoping thats what happens because i HIGHLY doubt anyones gonna kill him. he wants a Just death by dave's sword way too much for the writers to give that to him hahaha. what vriskas arc is telling me is that HSBC is about developing yourself and unlocking your true potential

^^^ page 8006. just the entirety of page 8006. thank you once again davepeta, ultimate self master

dirk has hit some kind of ultimate self, but hes not himself yet. not like how davepeta is, and not like how terezi did it either. i bet you fuckin anything that if he's thrown into The Point, we're gonna see hal. we're gonna see ARquius. we havent seen ARquius in vriska's hell yet, and there should be at least 2 running around- one from the game over timeline, and the other from the diverting timeline that meat!john split off in the epilogues by using his retcon powers, the one who was siphoned into lil cal. ARquius should be here, i mean equius was vriska's ally and friend, and she had a direct hand in creating ARquius. she only heard stories of nana egbert from john when she was 13, and the nanas are there. ARquius should be there, i think theyre just saving him for dirk

*not those things themselves, although a lot of neurodivergent kids are abused for their neurodivergence. there is correlation but not bc simply being autistic makes you more likely to be plural

**again, im not saying that brain damage makes you plural or that plural folk have brain damage. thatd be dumb

***using the term 'integration' not as in any kind of fusion - much, MUCH less final fusion - moreso as settling into functional plurality together. working together as a team, sharing their life. integration done right can be ridiculously intimate even if no one in the system are romantically involved with each other

[kel-lance]

Eyeless Gojo AU: Prequel

Requested off my comment from https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTa8kfU/

“@Taaot17🍉: Some sorta AU I need where Gojo takes them out as saying he’s leaving what he was born for being behind & now will act only on instinct (& an excuse to always be touching Geto)”

————————————————

———Warnings: mention of death, blood, killing, morally grey, slight mind control, Gojo just reacting to his cptsd in this universe, slight grooming (adults ideals on Gojo and their children), mindbreak, yandere(?)———————-

first year! Gojo who didn’t understand the feelings he was feeling, it wasn’t hate, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his “rival”

that Gojo wanted to be his friend but Geto is more pained in this universe. real angsty teen. 

Gojo being treated like Naruto as a kid, by the other kids, and the adults the opposite.

They loved him, they wanted nothing more to marry their child to him, or in some way praised him like a god.

He had a power, premonitions as well as incomprehensible strength and sorcery. Anyone would be lucky to be something to him.

He could make perfect guesses, his 6 eyes in this au would let him see months in the future, aiding his clan on any assassination, kidnappings, it was just like a built in body guard, or like his own spider senses, except he’d see the moments in time, as random as they may be.

Growing up he hones his skills, training his body to be able to take care of himself (and others) and to also see further int eh future if possible. It didn’t cost him much, just gave him a headache after.

the kids have seen him cry, bleed, just acting like an annoying brat, unlike the great power their parents reminded them they weren’t. (when he was just a kid who wanted friends.)

Geto was further away, Gojo feeling lonelier than ever. The third student, Shoko, would barely show up for classes. There was no reason for her to be there other than to have men ruin her sleep. She’d come by a random day of the week, showing disinterest whenever the attention was placed on her, even to answer a problem on the board. (in this universe she didn’t choose them so they didn’t choose her (but like intensified))

Gojo knew about things happening, but not when, igniting his want to be friends with the multi spirit user. He could see him in his future, for a while… so he wanted to have it already.

Gojo tagging along with Geto whenever he can after classes.

Gojo excited to go on missions with Geto (Geto would rather do it alone but he still spars with Gojo, using his classmate to train himself harder while white hair was just dancing around him.)

2nd year!Gojo’s thinking Geto’s warming up to him when he’s starting to envy and hate on him more. but if you can hate someone its bc u care, and he wouldn’t admit that until he thought he saw once or twice, Gojo’s clown mask fall. 

(this is basically Geto as reverse Gojo who’s like emotionally stunted but in angst instead of fuck boy/class clown disguise. His intense emotions are confused and he still can’t figure out what could be up with his rival bc Gojo lets him win every time.)

Goj’s favorite thing was how Geto never stopped treating Gojo the same as when they met, or rather he never changed himself just bc he gained a friend, someone as special as Gojo.

He saw it in his 6 eyed vision. He was almost running his mental thin by using it so much, trying to see more into the future, seeing more of how He and Geto would take on the world together. He keeps it to himself for now. 

Geto who does start to warm up to Gojo the second half of their second year. Gojo not really knowing how to take it and is so happy

they start to hang out a lot, getting over their weird hate at first phase of their friendship. 

2nd year Gojo realizing he’s so comfortable around Geto that everyone knows if Geto’s somewhere Gojo’s right beside him.

That they’re best friends in a quick amount of time, because Geto would complain about others and teach Gojo what it’s like being a normal kid. 

Geto teaching Gojo to stop relying on his future vision as he was able to break through one of his visions. Gojo was supposed to win, but he stopped his body for a second and got knocked over.

Geto suggests he blindfolds Gojo if he wanted to really use his senses. correctly. He tells him that his power is getting in the way of him being a real person, and Gojo agrees.

Gojo becoming so comfortable and given everything all the time that he places his hands wherever he wants. He didn’t know about personal space since everyone was in his, so he was actually confused when his hug was rejected by Geto for the first time.

Geto scolding Gojo how that’s now how friends act so Gojo asks him how it really is, kind of hurt.

Geto needing to teach Gojo that he can only do that with him as other people would either not like it or like it too much. 

Gojo saying they’re not like Geto. There was nobody else but him.

3rd year them on /their mission/ 1/3 into the school year

Toji coming in and killing Geto, and then Amanai. 

Gojo realizing he didn’t see that happen bc of the no cursed energy. 

He believed he got Geto killed and that stopped him. He let Toji kill Amanai who was scared and hiding behind him. 

He shoots her and stabs Gojo in the neck, he’s trying to cut his head off until Geto comes in with a woman

Toji turns around bc that’s his gf yelling for him, then she stopped.

Geto kills her with a tool, and unleashes his curses on a shocked and unready toji. It was easier to say she was a civilian caught in this mess, and that toji did it.

Geto calling Yaga and Shoko to help put Gojo’s head back together.

After surgery and using her Reversed Curse technique, Gojo’s back but he’s not the same.

he wasn’t smiling all the time, he was expected to be next to Geto the moment his eyes opened, but once everyone saw him wake, all he did was try and turn his head away. 

He stays ignoring ppl for first few weeks as he healed. Geto and him had an argument at some point in-between, trying to understand what was the issue.

It was weird, got had just gotten used to being smothered by his now best friend. He was worried. Of course he had to heal his own injuries but it didn’t leave a stain in his psyche.

turns out that one second where if he were to have save Amanai, Geto would’ve died. its not that he feels any way that two innocent women died, but there was actually a chance Geto could actually not be in his future anymore. 

The fight ends with Geto saying he’s not Gojo because of his power, he can’t let that make the path for him, that he has to stop being  so blind when he knew so much more 

Gojo not understanding what Geto means and goes back into his depression hole. “he knew more, he know better.” Gojo tells himself as he’s always been told what to do, and how to be, and the one person who he’s grown to trust is telling him that his own feelings are wrong, he’ll try harder to be better for Geto.

There goes another week without Gojo, he wasn’t answering his room door, Geto couldn’t feel him there. 

Of course he was worried but there was nothing that could get to him, as Gojo knew what was going to happen. So it must have meant Gojo was safe, or wasn’t needed right now, Geto left it alone.

Geto one day has a feeling that his texts weren’t sending, hopefully his food orders were keeping him full. He decides to pay him a visit today. 

-----------------------------------

A/N: I didn’t proof read but I hope y’all get the idea, I had to make the background first to build off to actually write more.

This is 1/3 of the fics that were requested so far, I’m open to more. (and accepting donations (nami emoji 🤑/I got fired for the protests a bit ago and am hoping to keep my 4 cats comfortable 🙃) Ty for reading 🩵

Cashapp: taa10t

PayPal: appleg0d

Venmo: taakt17

[4saken4gotten]

Head Canons For Dante From Devil May Cry

I think about Dante way too much so I thought I would share my thoughts on some head canons of my own. Especially since the fandom for me gets so fucking dryyyyyyy Like please, I need more content or I'm going to spontaneously combust and not even in a hot and sexy way. (Or it still will be I just wont feel like it, but looking like hell on wheels is the goal!) yes that was a Heathers reference don't come at me Am I cringe? Yes. Am I free? Yes. These are my SFW head canons for him! If I get to it I can make my NSFW head canons as well but we'll see about that. Gender Neutral Reader Pairing. For my bitches, bros and fellow nonbinary hoes. (My certification in making head canons is as follows: I have played DMC 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I've read all the novels, and read 3 different fan translations of the novels we don't have official English translations for. I've watched the animated series at least 12 times and I've listened to all of the audio drama CD's. I have canon reasons for all my head canons but some of them are just little silly things because I brain rot. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.) I apologize in advanced for any typos and grammar mistakes and or just not making sense. I am dyslexic and autistic so I have a weird way of explaining things and will misspell basic words sometimes but I promise to do my best.

He's a big dork and his favorite thing to do is make his S/O laugh. Filling their soul with light is his favorite thing to do. teehee So he says the stupidest jokes to make them double over in laughter.

This is a bit of a double edged sword however since he uses humor and sarcasm as a major crutch / coping mechanism. He can be serious when the situation calls for it, but most of the time he doesn't want situations and mishaps to weigh on himself or those around him too heavily.

He's HELLA broke. So he'd take full advantage of free things to do like spending the night under the stars in a park after hours. Something that feels like "We aren't supposed to be out here!" but isn't really harmful / breaking the law.

I think he has some sort of collection of some sort. I think he collects seashells because they remind him of more serene times in his childhood. Probably hand sized conches or perhaps sand dollars (because its the only 'dollars' Lady cant swindle out of him ;u;)

Will die on the hill of pizza being a "balanced meal" insisting that it has all the important food groups therefore pizza is healthier than media wants people to think.

Despite his habits of leaving his pizza boxes about and letting Patty clean up after him- his own personal hygiene is actually really important to him. He always makes sure to take a shower after he gets back from every mission.

He honestly cant stand the scent of demon blood on him, it makes him a little anxious because it takes him back to the night of the fire / attack every time. (babyyyy boyyyyyyyyyyyy)

His love language is physical touch (giving) and acts of service (receiving). When he gets more comfortable with you, he's got some part of him touching you at all times: a thigh pressed against yours, a gentle hand around your shoulders or the small of your back, insistent on you laying on his shoulder or in his lap if you're tired. He'll be super appreciative of you organizing things when his mind gets too jumbled or he's just brooding.

I'm sick of people calling him lazy. I don't think he doesn't clean up because he doesn't want to- I think he's just overwhelmed most of the time / overstimulated to do anything if he's not in battle.

I strongly feel like he has some sort of ADHD, Depression and CPTSD due to his trauma. (Losing / killing his brother several times, his mother being killed, his father up and disappearing one day, losing his found family repeatedly: Grue, Nell, Jessica... etc)

He'd probably be super understanding of a neurodivergent s/o and be more than happy to "parallel play" in the shop. He reads his magazines on the couch with you while you read a book. Or he'll try to get some semblance of work done at his desk on the occasion while you watch your favorite tv show.

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

[scariercnidaria]

diseases i think izzy hands has:

bisexual

transgender

lactose intolerant

ibs

autism (moderate to severe social impairment)

selected by the narrative to cause problems

girl (in a fag way)

boy (in a dog way)

cptsd

narcicisstic personality disorder

former theatre kid

giant tits. just some honkin badongas

back pain

tummy pain

hip pain

fucked up posture

small dog syndrome

sopping wet shivering chihuahua syndrome

sometimes he gets this thing where he wakes up and he can't move at all til this shooting pain in his abdomen stops but then hes fine so he doesnt think about it

my specialest little meow meow princess babygirl syndrome

hypothermia or whatever it is that makes you cold all the time

subclinical ocd

chronic loneliness and social ostracisation

50s valium housewife

favourite person has a new favourite person and its not him

8 months testosterone

haunted uterus

eating before youtube was invented

food poisoning

blood poisoning

mold poisoning

all of them at the same time btw comorbidly and also mutually exclusively. hes just a guy sorry he doesnt have the forsight to know that hes in a narrative that needs to "make " "sense"

[sukifoof]

May we hear more about what personality disorders Flowey has, aside from PTSD? I'm genuinely curious

I HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS ON THIS i love to project but also i think it genuinely fits so the one i think about a lot for flowey is paranoid personality disorder. guy who is constantly thinking about what he's saying cuz who knows what could be used against him and once he's convinced he's in danger he's gonna attack first.... kill or be killed and all that. i think it would really play into his people pleasing tendencies and the way talks to people in such a way that he doesn't let them know anything about him. he loves to be seen as the perfect friend but the second there's any sign that someone could turn on him he is convinced that must be the case. especially cuz of the way he views peoples actions... like the way he believes toriel has replaced him and that he kills asgore when he says he and frisk could be a family and how he says to not let sans know anything about you.... oh flowey u have issues <3

i can't speak on these personally but i've had some mutuals say they hc that he has bpd or npd!! it definitely makes sense cuz cptsd tends to share some traits with bpd and flowey. clearly has cptsd at the very least. honestly i think there's a good argument for any of these because his trauma makes him react in such a specific way and there's sooo much to analyze when it comes to his behavior. i think he's also got some kind of ocd thing going on that further leads into the way he thinks (something like If I Stay Away From Everyone Forever I'll Never Get Hurt. epic ppd moment) and he likely has. several anxiety issues that also leads into his mental state someone get this guy to a therapist

if any of u have flowey hcs feel free to talk about it its really touching to me that flowey is a source of comfort for people like me who have ptsd and Various Other Issues

[milkywaydrabbles]

Hii it's me again!

I wanted to say thank you for answering my questions! It's was so nice to finally talk to you. I'm glad you brought up sanzu because I think with your dark writing style you could capture characters like sanzu and hanma in a really deep headspace. A lot of people write sanzu as cold and chaotic but forget that he was characistically loyal to a fault (and low-key a God complex when it came to mikey).

I feel his bontent executive lifestyle would not be one of stability or kindness and that any women that somehow peaked (and kept) his interest would be stuck between his curiosity and (not so subtle) obsessive tendencies masked as loyalty. What do you think🤔

Either way I'm so excited to see how your future works will be with him! He's such an enigma that dark creators like yourself truly get to play around with the many faces they have. I hope you don't work yourself too hard with all our requests❤️ make sure to eat something delicious as a treat.

-🐇 anon

OKAY I'm on a computer just for this ask bc I have a lot to say I think and I need full mobility lmao. One I'd like to thank YOU for your kind words and thoughtfulness I appreciate it so much! It's really great to have these deeper questions for these characters because they really are so complex, and I know I get caught up in just the heehee haha's of it all and writing them the way I'd like to see it or someone requests it but thinking about what they do or say in the real world would be terrifying.

SO SANZU! While I do think he is cold and chaotic, I completely agree with you. Don't get me wrong I LOVE the way people write him and I think it's phenomenal I can read Sanzu fics all that (@ everyone reading this if you have faves drop the link) but sometimes I do think sight is lost on who he is/how he's depicted. Sanzu is cold in the sense that no one else is worth his time, because Mikey exists. He doesn't have time for niceties because he has a job to do, and everyone else just gets in the way. Sanzu's chaotic in the way a gang member has to be to survive. But I think we also gloss over the fact that he's taking drugs. Now while it's not explicitly discussed what it is, I imagine it's an upper, so most pills are out the window (except party drugs but they won't do much in comparison to how he acts).

But I like to think the drugs he takes is a combo of something like coke and heavy medication (that he very blatanlty abuses) to cope with the trauma that he practically relives. He has a lot of PTSD that's really shifted its way to stockholm syndrome with what Mikey did to him. The way he's still so loyal to him is really a trauma response beacuse it's easier to deal with. I think ALL OF THIS creates such an intense character that without thinking much about it can get boiled down to just a crazy silly guy with a gun.

Sanzu in a relationship is a terrifying concept, because he really would be obsessive. I don't even think he'd be the type of obsessive that would kill a man because he's jealous, I think his mind would tell him it's out of pure protection for whoever's he's dating. I think the longer he's with them the more difficult it is for him to stop himself from being outwardly obsessed, but I think the exposure to his lifestyle over however long would kind of make his s/o be like 'okay well this is him and i love him so it's okay' type deal (we know that's not healthy)

I think if I let this fester in my brain I can create a lil sumn for Sanzu because he's a scary individual that has CPTSD and doesn't recognize that, along with an insane amount of power and a drug dependancy.

ALSO this is a sidebar but I read a short drabble once about Sanzu seeing someone and Mikey found out and basically executed them in front of Sanzu, and he immediately after shot himself in the head. It was intense but a really good ficlet and that seems VERY accurate for Sanzu in a relationship, that eventually they will overtake the number one spot from Mikey and he'll be so attached to them that he'd just take his own life because he can't live without them. I need to find it bc it was good.

ANYWAYS THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN IM' SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH I LOVE YOU NONNIE. I hope I get to write for him and characters like Hanma soon in the future, it's very fun!!!

[violentviolette]

Do you experience shame? I ask because I believe I have ASPD, and I genuinely. Do not experience shame. I can feel disgust at ineptitudes, and frustrated with failure, but I cant bring to mind a time that I've felt shame like other people display it. I'm just curious if that's related, and to what extent or how.

Thank! :)

this is gonna be one of those things thats both highly subjective and highly dependant on how ur defining "shame" and what ur ascribing it to definitions for emotions are very subjective and fairly personal/situational. some peoples definition of shame is closer to embarassment while others is closer to remorse. for some people shame is an inward emotion that makes them feel bad about themselves while for others its an outward emotion that makes them lash out at the thing at the epicenter of the emotion without ever considering themselves.

shame is also a very outward kind of self aware emotion, in that u need a certain level of ability to look at and conceptualize urself from the outside/others pov in order to feel it, so depending on how self aware u are, a lot of people dont think they experience shame because it never actually occurs to them to view themselves from that outward perspective, or because they devalue all outside perspective and deem it beneath them to consider it in order to avoid engaging with it compltely because its uncomfortable and upsetting

none of this is really tied to aspd directly per se, but it is more likely for ppl with cluster b pds and cptsd/complex trauma and therfore fairly common. it's more like, the more disordered ur thinking, the more self focused and divorced from others reality u are, the less likely ur going to be to experience emotions like shame, remorse, embarassment, ect. that require that outward self awareness. for trauma disorders like cluster b ones ur also more likely to be reactionarily defensive, which means that when confronted with an uncomfortable emotion, we project it outward and seperate it from ourselves in order to protect ourselves from feeling bad. so in places where a healthy person would feel shame, we feel disgust and anger that we then project onto others rather than ourselves. a lot of "why should i feel bad? its THEM that should feel bad. they're the ones doing something wrong, not me" kind of thinking

none of that is permanent/inherent or like rooted in aspd exclusively because it happens for lots of different disorders and traumas, so its very common depending on how deep in ur trauma or as i like to call it, how lost in the sauce u are. when i was younger and more self focused and less in touch with my emotions, and also when my mania is flaring and im therefore very delusional and unable to accurately view my actions from a more objective pov, i didnt feel shame. now that im older and more recovered and much more self aware, i definitly do and can also see some of the places where i was probably feeling shame previously, but wasnt able to identify it and was mistaking it for other more confrontational emotions

so its really interconnected with a lot of other things, lots of which depend on ur own personal trauma and how it manifests for u specifically and is therefore kind of a byproduct of all that other stuff rather than a root symptom unto itself if that makes sense. i hope that was helpful and feel free to come back and ask more questions or talk about it more if ud like or if any of that didnt make sense!

[itgr]

Early ROS season 3 Kodya thoughts (aka here's my excuse to ramble)

I'm only on episode 180. I have thoughts on a lot of things but rn I just wanna talk about Kodya?? Idk ever since we've seen him again in episode 159, he's been a lot more stoic and and standoffish than he used to be? (at least compared to his season 2 counterpart, which yeah he spent most of that outside his body but he wasn't this standoffish to Gyrus before). He's a lot more similar to his season 1 counterpart in some ways which I found interesting. Originally, I thought it would be a temporary thing just from the shock of seeing Gyrus again and recovering from the fact he genuinely thought they'd never meet again, but then he kind of stays that way and he's kind of snarky and defensive which I find interesting. I really like when characters are flawed or are tangibly impacted by things that have happened to them. Anyways here's like multiple reasons I headcanon (some of these are just straight up stated or heavily implied) there's such a big character shift (at least to me):

Um. Yeah he literally thought he'd never see his on and off boyfriend of several years who he literally fought so hard to keep around. That's going to fuck you up regardless of if it ended up not being true

^ Also I feel like losing Gyrus again definitely brought back some old pain and trauma from the time he, yknow, watched Gyrus lose himself over the course of years and eventually had to be the one to kill him ^^ so. YEAH (he has abandonment issues to me)

This is more of a minor point but we should talk about how fucky it would be to spend several years with people from the future and then be plopped back into your time period and expected to just. Keep existing like nothing happened and like you don't know at least hundreds of separate things and concepts that are, quite literally, ahead of your time

Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't 100% face or see homophobia after returning to his time period. You know that would mess with him a bit (I find his defensiveness near Iro, while partially justified, really interesting? because it's the first time I can think of we get any implication that homophobia explicitly exists in the world of ROS <- which makes sense and it also makes sense to assume that the room of swords itself was probably pretty queer friendly because of the amount of different people there. Anyways Kodya's defensiveness near Iro just reads to me as someone anticipating homophobia because of firsthand experience with it)

Gyrus self deprecating about not as strong as Masiosare, who's essentially like if you took BB! Gyrus's inability to open up and ask for help and his tendencies to do morally fucked up shit for his version of the greater good and then maximised it(/hj), probably made Kodya feel worse. Like he already spent years watching Gyrus lose himself to those ideals and I feel like at this point, the amount of trust issues and general abandonment issues of having a partner who used to hide things from you constantly until it literally destroyed him, combined with that same partner now self deprecating and faintly implying he wants to be like that again, would 100% trigger the shit out of his trauma and probably make him feel like history's going to repeat itself

I don't know if this was intentional but (oversimplification) CPTSD symptoms tend to show up after the person's left whatever stressful environment they used to be in and it starts flaring up because the brain can't process or understand that its in a safe environment and is still in a very defensive protective mode even when it technically shouldn't be. Kodya's likely CPTSD from, yknow, EVERYTHING in the room of swords probably could've started flaring up because of the fact he finally managed to escape, which could also partially explain his mentioned thoughts of feeling cursed and like he'd never be happy before Gyrus showed up (it's a common thing to struggle to feel happy or safe after not having experienced either feeling for a long time)

In conclusion, Kodya Karevic is a well written mentally ill little guy who's literally done zero (0) wrong in his entire life/j. Jokes aside, I wanted an excuse to ramble and get my thoughts out and also just talk about how pleasantly surprising it is to have them actually acknowledge the flaws in Strawbarrow's relationship and show Kodya have tangible problems with trusting Gyrus again. Idk I really like how well and complexly they're written

[dark-side-blog3]

What song(s) do you think would fit yandere!Fugo? They do not necessarily have to be written with yandere tendencies in mind, just so long as the lyrics either can be interpreted as yandere and/or they just fit some aspect of Fugo's character as a yandere.

When I write for characters I like to listen to the same songs over and over, so along with some ambience albums from horror games and horror shorts on youtube, I tend to listen to these when writing for a yandere fugo!

Something Stupid Starting with some softness, Fugo wouldn't just say he likes you. When it does come out, he immediately regrets it because he's scared to be vulnerable. He would prefer to play it cool and show you he cares with his actions. But even Fugo says he loves you, and then ruins the mood by freaking out over it.

Stupid You may sense a theme here. Fugo pushing you away when he likes you, unable to shut out the thoughts of every possible way it can go wrong, and knows he's probably right, and because he can't get out of his own way ends up ruining the relationship you could have had.

You'd Be Paranoid Too Fugo isn't wrong when he abandons the gang because they're walking toward an obvious trap. And he was right. Almost every one of his friends died on that mission. That's the worst thing about Fugo: that knows he's right. You'd distance yourself, or get taken by someone else unless he plans everything out, and makes sure it goes perfectly. Even though he gets in his own way a LOT.

I will possess your heart Yes; this makes it onto every yandere playlist, I know. But even so, sometimes things are classics for a reason!

What Do They Know? It's mostly the guitar and screaming from the lead vocals, but this makes its way onto a few of my playlists just because it's so pumped up and pissed off. If there's a yandere that tends to commit a lot of aggravated assault, this song makes it there.

The Bitch Of Living The sulk is palpable. I think Fugo has quite a bit of self-loathing from his possessive desires with a darling. Or his self-loathing is amplified. Lead vocals make me think of Fugo's English dub voice, though I haven't heard Ezra Weisz sing. It's less about Fugo being horny all the time (though a romantic yandere Fugo may have the more literal problems of being attracted to an endowed reader) and more about him hating being alive with his stupid CPTSD brain and a short fuse. And yes it's a superficial reason, but the chorus really sounds like something Fugo would say.