#so probably not my boy. though he is heavily dissociative. also i think giving him did at least in the way i experience it wouldnt be

[artanogon]

the real question is dpdr or did . and who

giving your favorite character a dissociative disorder is free and easy

[hamandswisscroissant]

Pawn- Draco Malfoy X Reader (ch 2)

Fandom: Harry Potter

Summary: Ava Lestrange is the unfortunate daughter of Bellatrix and Voldemort and spent the first 16 years of her life dissociated from her reality. Now she is being used by her father to both aid Draco in his mission, and report back any interesting information she gathers on their enemies. What will Draco do when he finds out that not only does she loath her father's politics, but he's also falling in love with her?

Note: teehee

wc: 3,753

EXOTIC

Draco

    ·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Draco wanted to kiss Blaise for whatever exotic strain he had brought this time. Inhaling the almost yellow smoke felt euphoric, and he could feel a lot of his tension melt away. Something felt strange, though. Draco looked up and saw what was watching him. Ava. She was smiling wider than he thought she would ever be capable of and seeing her sprawled out with Daphne and Pansy, who he considered sisters, felt bittersweet. A small part of him was sorry for Lestrange, and glad to see her happy for probably the first time in her life, but a much bigger, destructive portion of him despised her. She was polluting his family, his safe space. Over the summer the mission felt so far away, but now it's up close and unnerving. And it isn't lost on Draco that Dumbledore's death will start something that his family may not survive. And here she was, the spawn of Draco’s two least favorite people, here to keep an unwavering eye on him and report back to her father. 

Ava herself didn't seem evil, but for all Draco knew it was just an act. Something to get him to let his guard down. Either way, he knew she would probably want to get started on the mission soon, and Draco was dreading reality. Thankfully, the whiskey in his right hand and joint in the left was taking him far, far away from here. He hoped Theo could get some stuff soon too. 

Everyone seemed happy, which was good, but Draco still felt a bit of him holding onto some tightness in his chest. Theo was currently loose as could be, dancing maniacally with Daphne to some muggle song and Ava looked so happy she could cry, which was a huge switch from what Draco was used to seeing. She was swaying to the music in her seat and Pansy was curled up next to her. After about ten minutes Theo was breathing heavily and returning to his seat. Blaise struck up a conversation with him about the first quidditch game of the season, but Theo ignored him, instead looking at Ava on the couch.

“You seem happy, Ava.” He slurred a bit, his shirt buttons coming undone. 

“I've always wanted to listen to muggle music.” Ava said, still grinning. “It's even better than I expected.”

“Oh man,” Blaise joined in, “I'm gonna have to give you some of my CDs.”

“Yes please!” Ava smiled even wider and clapped her hands together.

“So,” Pansy lifted her head up, waking up from her cat nap. “I think it's bedtime.”

“Me too.” Daphne yawned. “ Do you want us to show you the dorm, Ava?”

“Yeah,” She responded. “I'm probably gonna go to sleep too.”

Draco watched the girls gather their things, Pansy notably grabbing three joints from the bag, before they shuffled upstairs, giggling the whole time and stumbling a bit over each other, resulting in even more giggles. Once the girls had left, the boys sat in a moment of silence before Theo spoke up.

“So, lads.” He sat back in his chair and waggled his eyebrows. “Thoughts on the new girl?”

“She seems real sheltered,” Blaise responded. “But her mum is Bellatrix so maybe she's got a freaky side.” 

“I'd like to find out,” Theo chuckled deviously.

“I doubt she’d let you.” Draco stated, sipping on his whiskey. 

“And why is that?” Theo huffed and crossed his arms in defiance.

“She doesn't seem like the type to just jump into someone's lap.” Draco explained, but truthfully he had no clue what to think of Ava. She was the classic bubble-wrapped kid, and socially awkward, but she didn't really hesitate to try the whiskey or even the joint. Maybe she had some surprises up her sleeve. “Stop being a perv,” he added.

“Oh, I'm a perv?” Theo guffawed in shock. “I'm not the one who got a blowjob in front of everyone during the last ravenclaw party!” 

“You're just jealous, Theo.” Blaise joked. “I'm sure some girl will take pity on you at the next party.”

“Hey!” Theo shouted, pointing a finger at Blaise. “I'll have you know that I totally banged Ella Selpie over the summer!”

“So, what?” Blaise scoffed. “I had her in fourth year.”

Suddenly they heard the stomping of footsteps coming down the steps. Pansy popped out from the entryway, slippers and robe and joint lit between her fingers. 

“Stop being pigs.” She reprimanded, before turning back around and leaving, presumably back to bed. 

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Ava

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Once the girls had reached the top of the stairs, they continued stumbling and giggling down the hallway until they reached their dorm. After swinging the door open so hard it bounced off the wall, making Ava flinch, Daphne flung herself onto her bed and sprawled out wide. 

The room was one of the best things Ava had ever seen. Millicents stuff was gone by now and moved to a different room, leaving Ava the bed closest to the window, making her smile a bit. The windows were the same as they were in the common room, allowing greenish blue light to leak into the room through the lake. Everything was mostly green, including Daphne and Pansy’s bed covers. Ava was happy to see that her luggage had been placed at the foot of her bed, she was aching to make her bed and go to sleep. However, Pansy had other ideas.

“Here let me show you around.” Pansy grabbed her hand and started leading her around the room, pointing out where in the closet Ava could place her clothes and which desk was hers. After showing her the bathroom and the record player that the girls shared, Pansy pulled out a joint from the bag. “It looks like Daph is out.” Daphne was in fact snoring very loudly, not having moved from her spread eagle position. 

“You wanna smoke?” Pansy asked, offering a joint to Ava. She gladly accepted, seeing why people tended to enjoy the calming effects. She lit it just as Pansy had showed her and sat down cross legged on her bed. 

“You're very quiet, you know.” Pansy sat down next to her on the uncovered mattress.

“I honestly think I'm doing pretty well, given the circumstances.” Ava laughed in response.

“Did you not get out much before this?” Pansy asked. “I know you were homeschooled and I guess no one even really knew Bellatrix had a daughter.” 

“They didn't let me out much. I just stayed in my room all day.” What Ava declined to mention was that she was physically unable to leave her room, ever, period. The few times she had been successful in getting out, she had been penalized with weeks in the dungeons. A common punishment in the Lestrange-Riddle household. It was strange having her Lord around as well. Her mother always spoke about him with manic praise in her childhood, but he didn't have a physical body until recently. 

“Hey, it's okay.” Pansy placed her hand on avas shoulder comfortingly, seeing through her vagueness. “We all have shit parents and bad memories. But that's why we stick together.”

“Do you know?” Ava asked and took a small hit of the joint, then passed it back to Pansy.

“That your dad is the Dark Lord?” Pansy questioned. “Yeah, the friend group knows all about that and your collaboration with Draco.” 

Ava stopped for a moment and took this information in. She wasn't mad that Draco told, really she was just glad that no one else in the student body knew. 

“What's he like?” Ava asked suddenly.

“Who, Draco?” She responded.

“Yeah, he doesn't really do much in the meetings.” Ava replied, “ I don't know much about him.”

“Funny, he said the same thing about you.” Pansy giggled and passed the joint back. “Draco’s been through a lot, just like the rest of us. Shit dad, high expectations, constant fear. But, he holds it together better than all of us. He's very good at occlumency, so we really don’t see his true feelings a lot. I think he finds peace the same way the rest of us do.”

“Are you and him…?” Ava wondered, shyly.

“Oh no!” Pansy scoffed. “I like women, not weasels.”

“He's pretty like a woman.” Ava confessed, slightly pink.

Pansy just burst out laughing and didn't stop until she was holding her sides and wiping tears from her eyes. “You're odd, you know that?” Pansy finally spoke after she contained herself.

“Everyone keeps saying that.” Ava looked down at her feet, feeling self-conscious.

“No, no no.” Pansy assured her. “I mean it in an endearing way. Like Luna, y’know? Love Luna.”

“Who's Luna?” Ava asked, tilting her head. 

“Oh, you'll meet her soon enough.” Pansy had an odd, far away glint in her eyes. “She's really cool.”

“You think she's pretty.” Ava observed bluntly.

“No, I don't!” Pansy denied, but she had gone bright red. Ava giggled and passed her the joint back.

“Whatever you say.” Ava laughed. “But, I think I'm gonna go to bed. Thank you for showing me around and being so nice.”

“Of course.” Pansy had a small smile on her face.

Ava unlocked her trunk and unpacked her pink bedding from the bottom. Her favorite house elf, Noopy, had gotten it for her as a going-away gift. All her other belongings were from a muggle thrift shop that she had snuck away to during her school shopping. Her mother had purchased her books and essentials, however, which caused a stark difference between the worn, loved clothing and the brand new high end school supplies. She hoped one day she could get away with some money and have her own place filled with all the things she really likes. 

After her bed was made and Pansy had started the shower, Ava curled up in her brand new nest. It felt so much better than her old bed. Just being here felt so amazing and she could hardly believe it. Soon, her eyelids felt heavy and her breathing slowed, and she let sleep take over.

Ava opened her eyes. She felt lighter than usual. It was really dark too. She rubbed her eyes and looked around, realizing she was not in her dorm room bed. In fact, she was standing in the middle of a long, poorly lit hallway. All of a sudden she was very awake and she whipped around quickly trying to figure out where on earth she was and how she got here. The wallpaper was torn and dusty and a green so dark it was almost black. The dark wood flooring creaked as she stepped along it carefully. 

When she looked down at her feet, something caught her eye. Her skin looked different somehow, but she couldn't pinpoint what was wrong. It was very disconcerting. Before even really thinking about it, she pinched her arm as hard as she could and was very surprised to find that she didn't feel much at all. Only the slight recognition of pain, but nothing compared to how much it should've hurt. Her nails had left angry red crescents in her forearm. 

Ava was startled from her thoughts when she heard what sounded like faint crying. It wasn't a child and it didn't sound like normal crying. It sounded like pure fear and loss. It was coming from the expanse of hallway in front of her. She walked cautiously, flinching each time the floorboards creaked or a spider got too close to her. As she trekked, she started to see the outline of a double-door at the end of the hallway. It was huge and heavy, ornately carved from expensive wood. She turned the extravagant doorknob and found that the door wouldn't budge. She changed tactics and leaned her shoulder against the door and pushed with all her might. 

As the door was slowly pried open, the cries got louder and louder, echoing in the room beyond. Moonlight poured into the hallway and Ava opened the door just enough to squeeze through. She entered a large expanse of a room. It had beautiful marble floors and a huge skylight above, the only light source being the moon. In the center of the room was the source of the noise. She could make out what seemed to be a boy crouching and sobbing, but everything was covered in red. 

She hesitantly stepped closer, not sure who the blonde man in front of her was, but she wasn't taking any chances in this weird dream world. As she got closer, she saw what the boy was crouching over. It was Narcissa Malfoy. She was much paler than normal and the red of her blood was seeping into her dress and the stone beneath them. Her eyes were gray and wide open, but looking at nothing.

Over her was Draco, choking out sobs and holding her tight. He had blood all over his clothes, but he didn’t care. He was completely engrossed in his pain. Ava approached him gradually and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, just as Pansy had done to comfort her earlier. Draco jumped and almost snarled at the girl before recognition lit up his bloodshot eyes.

“Ava?” He choked out, his voice hoarse.

“Hi, Draco.” She responded awkwardly. 

“Get the fuck away from me!” He screamed, baring his teeth at Ava as tears streamed down his cheeks. She jumped back in response.

“Hey, hey, it's ok.” Ava tried again. “It's not real, I promise.”

Draco just kept sobbing, clutching his limp mother, not listening to Ava. 

“Draco, please, just breathe.” Ava pleaded. “You're just having a nightmare.” 

Her words barely registered to Draco, but if what she was saying was true, he did need to calm down. He took in a shaky breath and tried to chill out, but his mother was right there. And she felt real. But if she was real, why was Ava here? And where exactly was he? How did he get here?

Ava had sat down next to Draco and began rubbing small, soothing circles in his back as he tried to regain his breath and composure. Slowly, he became more and more coherent, and Ava was amazed to see that Narcissa was slowly fading away, becoming translucent, until she was no longer there. Now it was just Draco, on his knees taking rattling breaths and Ava cross-legged next to him, pacifying him.

“Are you real?” Draco finally asked after a couple minutes. His cheeks were a bit pink and he had dried tears on his face, but his stormy grey eyes carried their familiar dissociation. 

“I’m not sure.” Ava responded truthfully. 

“You're part of my dream?” He continued.

“Possibly.” She replied, shrugging. In all honesty she had no clue what was going on or if she was actually just dreaming all this herself. She had never dreamt anything like this, but she had also never seen Draco in such a state, and never expected to.

“It wouldn't be the first time.” He said vaguely, looking up at the ceiling and avoiding her questioning gaze.”

“You've dreamt of me before?” She asked, shocked. She had never dreamt of him before and they had never even had a real conversation before.

“It doesn't matter.” He looked back down at his feet, frowning.

Ava felt dizzy and looked around to see her surroundings going dark, Draco quickly fading from her vision. She felt like she was free-falling.

“Thank you.” Was the last thing she heard before she slipped away.

[greysfall]

My 4444-word review of NEO TWEWY (with personal illustration + heavy spoilers)

My overall critical score for the game is 7.5/10, while my personal enjoyment score is 8.5/10. This review is posted as I have 80% completed the game, got the secret ending and achieved the Angel psychic rank. I’ll first start with the main pros and cons as follows.

PROS:

-        Enjoyable as a whole, still upholding the first game’s spirit in world building and sharing the same backbone - which was mostly revealed in the Secret Reports, it’s impossible to grasp the story without reading them.

-        The new cast and new game is charming in their own way

-        The old cast’s return is one of the biggest highlights for sure, it was fun and impactful. Everyone stays true to themselves and also had their own stories wrapped up nicely.

-        Boss designs are cool, new pins are fun to use and collect

-        The connection between the old and new cast is well written and executed, including but are not limited to the tension between the old and new protagonist, the weird but fun interaction between the 2 Composers, the new friendships revealed and formed

-        Sho being in the main cast is something so uniquely TWEWY and uniquely Sho

-        Still good music

-        Still many fun side quests, some of them really uphold the same quirky spirit of the old game and some are surprisingly touching

-        Many new nice stores and yummy looking foods to explore

-        The map is really easy to memorize for me, it’s fun to travel around the “current” Shibuya to see all the differences compared to the past

-        The social network is crazy and interesting to read through

-        Has an anti-frustration system to help 100% complete the game more easily and earn money faster, so post-game is relatively managable.

-        Overall, I really feel the efforts the team poured into making this as their passion project, not just during the development process but for all the last 14 years. They showed the vision of what they wanted to make, at the same time giving something to both the old as well as new fans.

CONS:

-        The biggest problem with the game is scenario writing. The story is so heavily back-loaded. The director himself thought it would be better to balance out the tension flow by adding more at the beginning but gave in to the scenario writer in the end, probably due to time pressure. This results in an underwhelming execution of characterization and lots of wasted potentials for the first half of the game.  

-        I struggle to view it as a stand-alone game, since the backstory and the old cast both play such an important role in the core of the game. If someone plays this game without having played the OG, they can only enjoy it on surface value at best.

-        The new cast is nice but most of them aren’t quite as intriguing as the old cast, maybe it’s cuz they’re all too nice deep down that they lack a little bit of an edge, of that batshit craziness that everyone in the OG used to have? I think some characters (Fret, Nagi) ended up weaker in terms of characterization because the writer is too afraid of making them unlikeable – which kind of backlashed cuz they only became likable in the most expectable way to cater for a specific group of fans. I would have wished for the other team leaders to be more crazy too, had they not suffered 30+ loops of the Game…

-        The CAMERAWORK IS HELL.

-        Gameplay does get tedious at certain points with all the time travels.

-        Shiba is so badly written as a villain, some Shinjuku characters should be given more screentime cutting into Shiba’s– like Hishima or Kaie or even, Hazuki (though his limited presence also solidified his importance).

-        Some of the main character designs, for example Beat’s hairstyle and his food reactions are hilariously bad. What’s the point of covering up most of his unique facial features?

-        Some of the minor/side characters’ design are too cool for them to have such a small role (eg: Ayano, Eiru). Ryoji did get much screentime but is nowhere as fun as Makoto was.

-        Overall the scope of this game is made a little too big for the team to handle as perfectly as the last game that was very compact, it felt somewhat rushed in development too so the missing pieces are clearly there in the final picture

The entry fee versus paying for it all in the end

An important difference between the Neo game and the original Shibuya game was that the Shibuya rule asked for an entry fee that is the Player’s most important asset, stated as a chance the Composer gives them to reexamine themselves. Meanwhile, the Shinjuku rule neither encourages nor allows personal growth and ultimately aims to erase as many Players as possible. It’s a pity we were never introduced to the full Shinjuku rulebook, as it seems like the system there focuses more on building up power and a grand government to compare with the individuality-driven system of Shibuya.

When you have to compare the new game and the original game (OG), this is an important factor to consider. Also, the OG has a serious storyline running through and through, locked with a different partner/GM creating unique atmosphere for each week and you don’t get to see your old partners again until the end. NEO’s team system does not allow such deep insight and communication between the Players. All of your teammates are always there throughout, the dynamic does change with each new addition but it is not as prominent as a partner change.

Another important factor is how the OG was built from scratch for a new platform as “something no one has ever seen before”, while Neo recycled a lot of old unused ideas from the previous development (check out this interview for more details). The development team for NEO lacks 2 key members and had a change of writer so the final product is not as strongly bound together as the last game.

The new cast is definitely inspired by today’s teenagers (from the view of creators), compared to the old cast they’re more sociable and always seem to take whatever works for them despite feeling unstable inside. They are all innocent and genuinely nice kids, avoiding to hurt each other to a degree that they end up keeping some sort of distance. They’re also unable to communicate at deeper levels, always stagnant at this half-baked stage of equilibrium without any motivation to get to the core of things. That is the cost of entering the game without an entry fee, without even dying or having a reason to be there/to fight seriously. These kids were stolen from the RG into a Game that was decidedly the worst environment for them to change or develop, just wandering around cluelessly to find a way “out” until tragedies started to unfold one by one and they ended up being charged the total sum of the price for their actions – ultimately losing everything in the end.

That is, I believe, a story arc which can resonate more to the youth of today rather than of my generation. If the message of the old game was to “listen”, enjoy life to the fullest and accept to trust others, the message of the new game is to “speak up” from the inside, trying to understand yourself and take actions instead of just going with the flow and finally, to take responsibility for such actions.

If Neku was handpicked by the Composer for being the special one with an all-dense soul to ensure victory of the game then Rindo was just a normal kid chosen out of random by Kubo to be his back-up plan, who just happened to have a high enough imagination to awaken the incredible power from his pin. Rindo was then officially chosen by the Composer as Josh picked up and handed the pin to him again, this time not as Josh’s personal Proxy – but as the Proxy to represent the normal people of Shibuya and via whom he could gamble if humans can fight for their own fate.

The underworld heroine and the hero with little of his own

Shoka is for me a refreshing and layered heroine. She’s the kind of character that took at least 3 trials of creators to form as a complete individual – that included Nomura who gave her the base design and Reaper background, Gen who gave a more cunning touch and the writers who made her English dialogues more punchy. Dishonesty equals “tsundere” is such a cliché, so the English writers tried really hard to avoid that trope in my opinion, while still letting her good intention come through.

She serves as the character who is informed of everything the players should have known, and there was almost nothing she could do about it. Almost. Until she met Rindo.

They were drawn to each other by sharing a state of “not having anything of their own”. They both started out with not being able to truly know themselves, Shoka even hated her RG life but also managed to mature from that stage before Rindo. She must have vibed with Shiki’s love and passion in the Gatto Nero threads, initiating her connection with Shibuya and understanding herself more. With Shoka as Swallow, they were able to open up to each other and offer mental support… but was still not getting to the centre of their problems because for all this time, Shoka could not tell Rindo the most important things about herself.

How did Shoka feel when she met Rindo at the UG? She probably didn’t want to hope that he would live the day until she witnessed the Twisters’ potentials. From the very beginning, they were both incredibly conscious of each other and also constantly frustrated that the person they happened to “notice” was such a condescending bitch/a clueless loser. The Shinjuku Reapers are overall quite drunk in power and uncompassionate to Players, Shoka included. She is also a master of dissociation, which results in her constant boredom, tone swings, haughtiness and subconsciously distancing herself from the friend – the boy she cares about – from false hope, as she judged from facts that it was a hopeless situation where nothing could ever be. Maybe she is naturally a bit of a chameleon just like her name suggests (Shoka 紫陽花 = hydrangea, the color-changing flower), so putting on an act and always dissociating herself from what’s important was easy, while hiding her contradiction was impossible. It was the ex-Reaper Beat who broke it out to her, that she should decide whether she really cared and wanted to do something for a change. He knew how it felt like to cross that line, and knew she wanted to too.  

Shoka is endeared by many of the Shinjuku Reapers and has shown independent acts of kindness (the Shinjuku ghost), proving that her kind and truthful side is as real as her harsh and dishonest side – which makes her a nice mirror to the previous heroine Shiki, who also embraced a dichotomy of self-complex and self-love within her character. In the end, she was the first of the new cast to ultimately accept all that is important to her and independently made the decision to help save Shibuya despite all costs.

She was jealous at Rindo’s interaction with Tsugumi and Kanon but remained silent cuz she wasn’t at a place to have any say about it. She also didn’t reveal about Swallow because that would only add an awkward irrelevance to their current situation, as she was too ready to face erasure at the end of the Game. She only wished to “play a game” with him, be it FanGo or the Reapers’ Game. The tension that the team could only feel at the end, she’s felt it the entire time. The song “DIVIDE” is applicable to not just one bond in the game, but it always makes me think of theirs. There is always a “divide” between her and Rindo throughout the course of their journey, as the living and the dead, as a Player and Reaper, as someone who has a place to return to and someone who doesn’t, someone who knows little but wields too much power and someone who knows a lot despite not being able to do much.

“If only I had the chance to connect with you on the other side

But time goes on, and without us realizing it

The battle is getting heated

Time goes on, and without us realiazing it

Divided again”

To be honest, maybe I didn’t grow any affection for the new main cast from Rindo’s perspective but from Shoka’s. Since I started to sympathize with Shoka, I started to see the boy in a more ��real” way. The real Rindo, behind his peaceful façade with others, would lash out on Shoka for her unfairly harsh attitude while none of the others cared. He could also subtly feel that mantle of unspoken secrets from her, her own contradictions, the unresolved chemistry between themselves – and not knowing what to do with it rather than to feel angry with all the unfairness he could not process. (As a Libra too, he’s triggered the most by unfairness!)

It is actually a positive development as he’s at least “reacting” to something strongly now rather than to keep evading his problems. During my replay, I clearly saw the difficult situation Shoka was in, her remaining harshness after the Motoi incident was due to her internal struggle with a mission to save her own life, versus a chance to really be with the team. Her decision was to do both at the risk of losing favour from both sides. Rindo started to accept her layer by layer, as the person who resonated the most to her contradicting nature from the start and knew that via learning her resolve, he has learnt his too.

Later into the game, she even got too much of his attention. Maybe even without knowing she’s Swallow, he’s familiar with her thinking direction and Swallow had always been closer to him than any other friend. It was only after she had to betray her important ones twice that she could start being truly honest. The scene when she died a 2nd time left a strong impression in me, the little reveal let Rindo know that he is also losing Swallow as he’s losing Shoka – and that only death could drive the last secret out of her. Her final “Later, loser” echoed through Rindo as it was the final truth, with only him remaining to hear it: they had actually, already lost everything.

Rindo was the boy who never dared to face all that matters to him until he lost it all, fighting an unfair battle in the faith that they would somehow still win. Shoka was the girl who always knew what was dear to her, but never dared to think she could be together with them ever after and still threw her all into a battle she knew was losing. I think they stir each other on naturally to fill out their gaps, similar to what the Shibuya game partner systerm would have aimed for. The end reward was a little divine intervention to help close up the divide between them once and for all.  

During the game there was not enough space to process anything personal so at the ending when they officially became “friends”, it was an important affirmation of their bond. Some people complained it was friendzoning but it’s not, they just have arrived at the perfect place to start something more. “From now on, we will truly be together” – I read it as that kind of message.  

The heroine from a lost battle, with her story taken away

After reading the secret reports and playing the game to be surprised of how small a role Tsugumi had in the main game despite being the “Hype-chan” thought to be a major character of the next TWEWY installment, many fans would feel sad at a missed opportunity to see the Shinjuku arc in full depiction.

It was shown clearly that, a Shinjuku arc was very carefully planned out and is a vital part of the whole story, yet it could not be made due to various circumstances behind the development scene. I would assume, that the team were not able to make a TWEWY game that ended on a despairing note, but it already happened in their mind, thus becoming a mental burden that forced them to break away from it and started the game anew with NEO. A significant part of NEO became the healing arc for the Shinjuku characters, especially for Tsugumi though I really wished more emphasis should have been placed on her rather than Shiba. We didn’t even get to see her brother – Shinjuku’s Conductor who had a vital role and instead was given the clueless Shiba, who had absolutely no idea what’s going on all the way until the last day in NEO. It’s as if Tsugumi has had her story stolen away from her, because her own battle ended with a saddening loss.

I think every time the game creators look at Tsugumi, they would feel that sadness too. Maybe to them, she is a bigger character than what is seen by the fans, as despite their failed effort to depict her story, she’s lived in their mind for all these years through periods of destruction, healing and rebuild.  Though it is a pity we could not get to experience the full scope of the Shinjuku story, the creators was clear about the place they wished for it to arrive at.    

Individuality, connection and the social network

The team system adapted from Shinjuku rulebook does not allow much room for personal development, as the team dynamic is closer to a work relationship forced to bear results, than a spiritual bond to max out all corners of understanding as found in the partnership system. The old Shibuya system allowed only 1 winner and 1 week limit per game, while the new rule declares for a 1 winning team and only the team at last place will be erased – the other teams will enter another loop. Furthermore, whichever team to challenge the unwinnable Ruinbringers will face the risk of ending up dead last followed by erasure. As a result, the longest-standing teams are most likely not the strongest ever recorded, but the ones who have figured out a strategy to simply survive until something changes, enjoying their newly found social constructs while they are at it. Basically, it is a system to hypnotise players into the illusion that they are still “living”.

Therefore, we as players would not get to the core of each Player individually as fast and directly as we did in the last game. The Twisters were able to stand out not because they’re powerful, they only started to have a real chance after growing enough to each form a meaningful and personal connection to another teammate. It did not come as a team, nor did it intiate from the existing friendship between Rindo and Fret. In fact, I did not find much solidity or anything truly note-worthy about the main team and new characters within themselves until they started clashing with other team members, Reapers and new recruits from week 2 onwards. Rindo found his personal development with Shoka (via a clash with Motoi and pretty much a mini dating sim between them), then via the confrontation of his role with Neku; Fret found his with Kanon then Nagi, the team learned about the real Neku via Beat, Neku entered the UG via Coco’s wish to save Tsugumi… it was not the team but their personal links that empowered them to fight and solve each of their problems.

The other team leaders may have failed because they did not form such personal links, after 30+ hopeless loops Fuya’s team all fell apart to pursue their own interest even at the cost of erasure, Motoi quit his KOL façade to work like a dog for the Reapers (probably to save just his own ass not his team), while Kanon dropped her tricks to find changes via honest cooperation in acceptance of a fair loss. The despairing note in that is huge without making much of a scene because their failure didn’t happen at their best effort to “win”, but in their last attempt to find a way “out”. Even Shiba got his way “out” in the end thanked to his personal friendship with Hishima and Tsugumi.

Something has shifted in the mindset of the game creators in the last 14 years, as both games are about “connection vs individuality” but the last game focuses more on connection between just individuals and this one on the overall network that is formed out of those individual connections.

The introduction of Beat into the main cast was truly the bridge between old and new, they helped each other out in several turns before officially recruiting him. Beat is a character whom a lot of fans including myself have felt somewhat concerned about after Neku disappeared from the RG, so when the new kids welcomed Beat with warm and organic interaction and Beat seemed happy, I started to feel like I wanted to help them out too! I think the overall team chemistry is enjoyable enough for new players, but I could warm up to the new kids more from the pov of a returning character – whom I’m glad to be Beat, as the older brother figure who is genuinely kind, fun, serious and upbeat at the same time; who is needed and needs the kids in return.

The social network is a fun and refreshing feature. You can read all of the crazy tidbits about Shibuya and the links each character have formed with the town people, it’s also fun to visualize how the characters act off screen. Characters’ profiles provide extra insight into their background too, like how it reveals Tsugumi has been friend with Coco during her time in the RG. During the game when not all characters have showed up, you can sometimes guess which empty spot will belong to whom. For example there is a 1 character linking to Neky that is not linked to anyone else, so I could guess that was Joshua, and that another character linking only to Joshua was probably Hazuki, hinting that the 2 Composers are related before either of them even showed up.

Hazuki only showed up for 5 minutes, but his presence is so vital and true to the game that I think he is the most memorable out of the new cast. The two Composers have such an intriguing bond, with their yin/yang or phoenix/dragon themes, opposite color design, the sempai/kouhai tone and the way they keep some sort of distance/work relationship as if it’s mandatory between Higher beings, yet at the same time they can talk so casually because they are truly equal – and different from one another. I have written a separate meta on them here.

Some people pointed out, that all Shinjuku characters’ names and themes are based off Hanafuda cards and the Phoenix in Hanafuda belongs to the Paulownia suit – which is Joshua’s name flower. This is so interesting because it feels like the creators somehow saw it as a sign to interweave the Shibuya and Shinjuku storylines together. Though it doesn’t come out much on the surface, it’s fascinating nonetheless considering both Josh and Haz had at some point interfered with the other town’s affairs.

“Shibuya tour with Haz” was such a special scene, as it happened between 2 characters who do not/no longer have a reason to care about Shibuya, on the subject of what is worth saving about Shibuya. Hazuki carried out the purification of Shinjuku and stepped in to restore Shibuya just as part of his job and unlike Hanekoma or Joshua who both possess profound understanding of humanity, he really didn’t know humans at all. Rindo’s irrational wish invoked in him a sense of curiosity, to try gambling on something irrationally and learning a bit of what his senior have experienced. With all the pieces put together, it provides an overview on Higher beings as a whole, and that Joshua and Hanekoma are really the odd ones out with Hazuki being somewhere in between them and the rest.        

The old friends

It’s easy to have returning characters overshadow the new cast as they have already matured out of their personal story arc and stayed in our hearts for all this time. In the end, I have managed to enjoy both the old and new cast separately and altogether, and they will both find their own place in our memory of this game for the long term.

Sho is truly as crazy as ever, the game wouldn’t be the same if Sho is any less of what he is. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like Neky or Beat is younger than Nagi at all, with moments when it seems like Neky has aged 14 years instead of 3 years. His friendship with Coco surprised me pleasantly, and their interaction together with Beat was fun to watch. Rhyme’s found a new dream and her friendship with Kaie is precious too, especially considering that she can still talk to him online after the game ended. Josh and Neku’s interaction suggested that they have resolved the past and are on equal terms now, they even parted ways in good spirit and I don’t feel any worry about them like I did before.

Neku and Shiki’s reunion scene was beautiful, theirs is such a special bond that it has grown and supported them even without being able to see each other. I am so happy to see them all again and that they stay true to who they are, albeit looking more grown up, cooler and happier than ever before.  

Overall, NEO can’t become a classic on par with the OG, but is definitely a good sequel and a good game in its own rights. I’m happy with whether or not there will be a 3rd game to complete the 3 monkeys theme, but if there will be – I hope the creators can really find the time to learn from the last 2 games and start over with a fresh mindset and strong core.  

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Weird q..but i really dont understand why most fans hate season 4, especially the last episode. Why? I think it gave us a deeper look on both sherlock and mycroft! I felt it tells a lot about mycroft how he had to step in and take control of things ever since he was a kid himself. Also he is not a robot or a killer. Also redbeard thing. It was an appropriate deep psychological trauma (cause most shows usually disappoint in that area). I am not trying to impose my opinion. Just want to understand

Hey Nonny!

It’s all good, and I totally respect your opinion and how you enjoyed S4! It’s totally okay! I know that there are quite a few who got a lot of of S4, and who genuinely enjoyed it.

Sadly, I am not one of those people, and I’ll try to be as diplomatic a possible in my response, but PLEASE know that I don’t think you’re “terrible” or “stupid” for liking S4 because I DO get passionate sometimes in my responses, and I’m just merely speaking as someone who studied the series very closely for quite a long time before S4 aired, and as someone who knows Day-One-ers (ie., people who watched Sherlock on its day one airdate) who also are a large majority of the people who did not like S4. This is just me simply stating why I didn’t like it, but it’s different for everyone.

Stating what I DO like: The acting and cinematography of the first two episodes were brilliant for what they had to work with, and I’ve never faulted any of the actors for the flaws of S4. And for TFP, they did the best with what they had to work with.

That’s… pretty much all I really liked about S4.

Now, here’s my problems with S4:

Nothing made a LICK of sense to the narrative that they were telling in Seasons prior. 

This series was always based a bit in reality, and suddenly everything became comic-book rules: X-Men villains, shitty “redemption” arc, destroying favourite characters just for drama, ludicrous physics, explosions that only destroyed one small room in an apt where in previous episodes one explosion destroyed an entire block, etc.

Sherlock was OOC.

Mary was being built up to be a fantastic villain? Ah, nope, here’s the lacklustre twist where tee hee Mary’s just an assassin with a heart of gold that still emotionally abuses Sherlock and John and just won’t fucking stay dead.

And speaking of this, the DVD’s make NO LOGICAL SENSE unless she was planning to kill herself

AND she tries to make her death equatable to Sherlock’s??

Everyone was RIDICULOUSLY out of character in TFP, I’m so sorry: Mycroft is a bumbling coward for the most part, Sherlock disregards John when he gives the Vatican Cameos warning, the Holmes Parents are assholes because Mycroft COULDN’T SOLVE A PROBLEM WHEN HE WAS 12?? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? And that creepy Moriarty / Eurus thing, and LITERALLY they’re implying that EVERYTHING HAPPENED BECAUSE EURUS DIDN’T GET A HUG. Like, I’m so sorry, but that’s lazy writing.

And don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of the entire character of Eurus. She LITERALLY had X-Men powers, and like… just nothing made sense. Her involvement in the entirety of S4 MADE NO SENSE. Why go back to prison if you can get out?? WHAT IS THE POINT?? AND I repeat: She did all this because she didn’t get a hug. Yes. I’m oversimplifying, but at the base level, that’s what it was, because she wanted Sherlock’s attention. Welcome to the club, kid, stand in line, everyone on the SHOW wants his attention.

The ENTIRE plot of the first 2 seasons got wiped out all because it wasn’t Moriarty who was interested in Sherlock, but Eurus?? What… What about Carl Powers?? Like…. the ENTIRETY of season one and TGG makes no sense now, because of that one 5 minute scene where Eurus “enlists” Moriarty. I… ugh.

The SUDDEN tonal switch from kind-of Sherlock to James Bond, for some fucking reason.

And on that note, how terribly lazy and cheap TFP looks in comparison to the other two episodes. The whole episode looks like it was filmed in a small house with 4 identical rooms.

EVERYTHING that was etablished in 2 episodes prior were COMPLETELY forgotten when Mary was “shot”.

The complete character assassination of one loyal blogger John H Watson in favour of Mary for some fucked up reason, even though AT HIS OWN WEDDING HE COULDN’T STAND BEING AROUND MARY. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe for one damned second that John would EVER forgive Mary for murdering his best friend after seeing what it did to him. That’s not love from her, and that’s NOT John’s character EVER in the ENTIRETY of the series.

And speaking of character assassinations, Molly’s character being devolved to S1E1 Molly, where instead of giving her agency like they were doing with her the ENTIRE series, so much so that Sherlock picked up on her dominance enough to give her a big role in his mind palace in HLV and TAB, only to make her a sad little self-insert Mary Sue pining for the main character, and in turn made Sherlock a TERRIBLE human being for MAKING HER say what she did. It’s gross.

AND speaking of Molly’s character, they’ve been setting up Mollstrade since as early as ASiB, but I guess that plot line got shafted. Look I LOVE Hopkins, and I am ANGRY they didn’t give her more than 3 fucking lines in the entirety of ONE episode after HEAVILY promoting her actress and character, but they essentially reduced her to a piece of ass for Lestrade to chase. AND THAT’S NOT HIS CHARACTER EITHER. EW GROSS.

The constant plot holes being gaped wide open, and the Chekov’s gun moments where they bring up shit but do nothing with it!! 

TD-12? Nope, just a lame reference to a story we like. 

John got shot at the end of TLD with a VERY REAL FUCKING GUN? Nope, it was a dart gun. 

John not suddenly knowing how to be a doctor.

The TGG one I mentioned up above. 

What was in the letter? And who was Anyone??

Moriarty essentially being erased as anything other than a hired thug and had no part whatsoever in Sherlock’s history. 

Eurus… Just all of her character is asinine. 

Everyone in T6T suddenly not knowing John’s the blogger, which is in direct contradiction to literally the entire series. 

The AGRA plotline was ridiculous, in the end.

Baby? What baby? It was only there when convenient.

They dropped whatever plotline they were going to do for Mycroft: He was being set up as either dying, or the villain.

Redbeard. I’m sorry, I disagree with you on that. Mofftiss is trying to tell me that a little boy fell down a well and went missing, and that WASN’T the first place searchers / the police wouldn’t have looked? Sorry, no. And then. AND THEN his parents just… go along with this thing where Sherlock shuts down and they DON’T get him therapy? Yes, I agree the mind is a funny thing, and we can be traumatised into forgetting or dissociating from traumatic events. I GET IT. But… like I don’t believe the Holmes are so heartless as to just never grieve or have memories around about their supposedly dead daughter. It’s another OCC thing for me.

John’s cheating.

Disappearing and reappearing characters, like this scene, and the entirety of the aquarium scene.

Mary and John being terrible parents

OH GOD THIS FUCKING SCENE. That bomb SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

What… who was this girl on the plane? What? Like I know WHO, but if she’s supposed to be Eurus talking to Sherlock, why don’t we see Eurus… talking to Sherlock? I … Ugh.

NORBURY. 

The glass SUPER SECRET GOVERNMENT ROOM THAT NO ONE SHOULD SEE INTO in T6T.

Sloppy camera work that some believe was intentional, but if it wasn’t, jesus c’mon.

The RIDICULOUS amount of 4th Wall Breaking. Like… even the actors didn’t give a shit.

Essentially, everything on this list here and in this blog tag here.

And everything mentioned on these three posts:

T6T: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night 

TLD: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

TFP: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

There’s SO much more I can go into, but please go through my “something’s fucky” tag in that last link.

Notice how probably 90% of that has NOTHING to do with “johnlock not becoming canon” because the Johnlockers get MONSTROUS accusations as to THAT being why we didn’t like S4, even though it was, like critically panned by the GENERAL AUDIENCE who have NO investment in the series other than “I liked it in the past”.

Two of my fave YouTubers have interesting (not perfect, but still good) takes coming at the series as casual viewers:

‘The Day Sherlock Died’ by The Closer Look

‘Sherlock is Garbage, and Here’s Why’ by hbomberguy

So it’s NOT just Johnlockers. I’ve talked to Sher1011ies at 221B con who didn’t like S4 either, because most of them realized how shitty Molly was treated in the last episode. So yeah, a big middle finger to those who think I dislike S4 because of  “no Johnlock”. No, I disliked it because I need my stories to make logical narrative sense. I disliked it because I love John and they ruined his character all for the sake of drama and because Moffat has a “hurting Ben” kink. I disliked it because Mary should NOT have been “redeemed” because she was an abuser. I disliked it because Moriarty was turned into a cartoon villain, even though he was already overused in the series. I disliked it because the core of the show – the FRIENDSHIP of Sherlock and John, and their solving mysteries together – did not exist at all. I disliked it because John got sidelined. I disliked it because TFP was a ridiculous episode that, if you replace ANY of the characters, it wouldn’t make a difference, because it didn’t feel like an episode of Sherlock. I disliked it because everyone was OOC.

Anyway. Sorry. One too many accusations my way over the past 1100+ days LOL.

As for your assessment of TFP, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. There was no growth and actually it implies something far more sinister: That the Holmes are and were terrible parents that gave no shits about their daughter, their traumatized son, and expected their eldest to essentially be a parent. It implies that Mycroft, at 12 years old, orchestrated the ENTIRE Sherrinford thing… Look I can suspend my disbelief, but there’s limits, and this is one of them. A LITERAL CHILD. Perhaps Uncle Rudy had a hand in it somehow, but then why not shit on Uncle Rudy? Why is Mycroft blamed for it all?

Look, I don’t doubt Sherlock had a traumatic experience regarding “Redbeard”. But then why play into the fact that he was a dog? Why bring another character into the series just to have a gotcha moment? Because Mofftiss wanted a “Shyamalan twist”, that’s why. They threw EVERYTHING away for a twist ending either because they GENUINELY thought it was good, or they got tired of doing Sherlock. ALL of TFP is LITERALLY a really bad plot twist because reasons. TFP makes no sense to the ENTIRE narrative structure of the previous 12 episodes. It erased EVERYTHING from the previous episodes, and coated it with a gross closing by a character no one wanted in the series, and then tried to convince us that it’s a new beginning – “a journey they had to go through” – but it SOLVED NOTHING.

Anyway. I have big feels about S4, and the only way I can enjoy it is to watch it subtextually, but even then, I cannot sit through TFP without cringing. 

That said, Lovelies, please do not attack Nonny for enjoying S4! I know you guys won’t, but Nonny came out with an olive branch and they just want to understand why the fandom is passionate about S4′s… whatever it was. We can have a civil discussion about it, and point out – without attacking – why S4 is universally panned. It’s okay to like things no one else does, and Nonny was respectful to me in this ask! 

So with that, feel free, lovelies, to express why YOU didn’t enjoy the series, or why you did! I’m interested in both “sides” / pov’s whatever :)

[internalsealpanic]

I Will be Your Tim Drake for Tonight (1) (Jason Todd/ Reader)

Summary:  Preferring to do anything but your physics project, you decide to accepts Tim’s proposal. It’s simple. He does your project, you try to figure out whether Jason Sionis is criminal. Easy, right?

masterlist

A/n: This takes place in a world where Jason is adopted by Black Mask. Inspired by Building Interest by Zoeleo.

The events and characterization in this story are very heavily based on Zoeleo's Long Term Investment series. It is fantastic and I really highly recommend all of her fics.

a/n: For clarification, Reader does have psychic powers but it only lets her sense people's emotions physically. No mind-reading. Her power is more like an overactive sense of empathy which may force her to dissociate into someone else.

There will be violence and mentions of alcoholism (used as coping mechanism for physical pain) and chronic pain.  

As for the additional warning, an animal is harmed but it is barely described. I could not bring myself to actual describe it but the aftermath is described.

I also just converted this from an OC so I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.

Without further a do: 

Your skin itches as you make your way through the crowd. It wasn't the suit. After all, Alfred Pennyworth was incapable of doing wrong. It was the sea of hands patting your back, petting your head, and pinching your cheeks made every inch of skin want to slough off. Tim owed you. He owed you big time. Then again he's back at the manor tackling your physics project and making sure Gotham doesn't set itself on fire while Batman is on  ‘vacation’.

You should be fine. It’s not like Brucie asked you to investigate a suspected criminal who also happens to be Roman Sionis’ heir. Nope, no pressure there. Thanks Bruce. You’re clad in blue contacts, a black wig, makeup, and a stolen suit. As safe as you felt in someone else's skin, you still felt like you were gonna fall over. Maybe it's because you were dumb enough not to bring your cane.

The room was dizzyingly full of people. Your mind goes haywire. Jumping from one mind to the next. Dipping into every emotion it could stick itself into. It was almost overwhelming enough for you to forget about the ache in your leg. You knew this night was gonna be far longer than you could stand.  You needed a drink. Or 9.

"Hey, no drinking! You're underaged!" Dick nearly shrieked, plucking your fifth(?) flute of champagne. You wouldn't be in a few months. Really he was being quite unreasonable to the drunk person in front of him. Looking him dead in the eyes,  you wave another server over and take 2 flutes of champagne.  "I'm fine Dick. I've drunken harder stuff than this."

"No," Dick said firmly snatching the 2 flutes from your hand.

"Big bro pleeeaaasee" You drawl sweetly knowing Dick was a sucker for that move.  Dick tries to look unmoved but you could see in the slump of his shoulders that he wanted to give in.  "I'm having an episode," The word episode felt strange and wrong but there really was no other way to describe it. "and I don't have any painkillers on me." You added hastily.  

"Fiiine-" Dick whines, resolve crumbling to dust. Handing back only one flute of champagne, he scolds: "Just don't get shit faced. We're here on a mission."

"Yes, motheeeer,"

Without missing a beat, you down it, feeling the tearing in your head beginning to fade.

"Jesus, calm down," Dick said taking the now empty flute from you.  

You are less than surprised by the fact that he isn't fazed by being called mother at this point. It might just be the alcohol. The Powers might not understand the concept of fun but they sure do have taste in alcohol.

While Dick lectures you on safe alcohol consumption and Babs laughs unhelpfully, You feel the press of another person's mind.  The other 2 seem to notice it too. Being pulled out of their reverie, they turn to greet them.

"Target at 2'oclock" Babs whispers but your mind had for some reason forgotten how English worked. Instead, it drifted to the simple mind coming closer to them. Almost too quickly,  you dropped down to your knees. Your joints complained but you could feel your mind smooth as you placed a gentle hand on the dog's fur.

The dog whuffs with glee as if to say "Yes! There! Pat there!".

Absorbed in the dog's uncomplicated happiness, you began to piece yourself back together and the pain in your head receded.

" Who's a good girl? You are! You are!"

The dog yips happily. Its smooshed face pressing into your hand. You forget the party until-

Dick coughs clearing his throat, laughter bright in his blue eyes.

You, for the first time, notice the person beside the dog. It was their target, Jason Sionis,  stretching out his hand to shake yours.  

"Oh- Uh- it's just your dog- She's- Hi, I'm Tim Drake." you shoot up to shake his hand. You notice the patches of scabs and scars on his knuckles. You’re pretty sure Dick or Tim could give him a run for his money if they didn't have makeup on. Though that just might speak more to their-as Damian puts it- incompetence.

Your eyes flicker to Dick momentarily as he tries so hard not to laugh.

"Well, it was nice to make your acquaintance," Jason says flatly as he turns his attention to Dick and Babs for a more coherent discussion.  You weren’t entirely certain that you offended him but you were probably close.

You want to say that it's his eyes that you notice first. They were a striking shade of ultramarine,  a terrifying facsimile of the ocean. They made you shudder. You would have rather noticed how nicely he filled out his suit. The man was made of muscle under that well-tailored suit.  You file the image for further appreciation later.  But, unfortunately, you are far too accustomed to checking your brothers for wounds for your eyes to not immediately flicker towards the scar on his face. It takes everything in you not to stare at the scar cleaving down the flesh of his cheek rigging the right side of his face into a permanent grin. Thankfully, he leaves them saying something about having business somewhere else.

Sure, the guy falls into Gotham’s pattern of ruining your face and turning to a life of crime but so far he hasn’t really shown anything concrete.   Plus, he’s really nice to his dog. No one that nice to a dog could possibly be the Red Death, Black Mask’s shiniest, and rumored to be his most brutal, new enforcer. Then again, your mother always did treat Anatoli like a king.

"Tim was right. You can act like him. You even got him shoving his own foot in his mouth down pat. Great job. " Dick chuckles patting you on the shoulder jostling you out of your thoughts.

You sigh. "The next time I go undercover I'm going alone. I don't even know why you're here."

"I think you've demonstrated why."  

You- annoyed, embarrassed, and feeling the marching in your skull coming back- jab "Alright Fabio , you befriend Mr.Pretty boy-" .  

"That's pretty mean eve-"

"I didn't mean it to be mean-"you honestly didn't but you were byelingual at this point.  "-I think he's pretty. Scars are sexy and all of that carp. "

"I am very concerned."  

"You should be. I'm out of booze and the dog just walked away. " you hissed rubbing the side of your head before stomping off to look for more drinks.

You feel your head jack rabbiting again. The staff had, as per some evil person's request (Likely Dick or maybe Babs), cut you off from the booze. You find yourself wandering around until your feet take you outside. The cool night air and the nearly freezing bricks sooth you warmed skin as you slide against it.  

"What? Did you come out 'ere to watch my dog piss?" a slightly familiar baritone voice chuckled.  

"As fun as that sounds, I just escaped Dick Grayson. I believe that, in itself, is reason enough to go outside and take in the 'fresh' Gotham night air. " you snark, looking up expecting him to grin at you but was greeted with a look of concern. You’ve seen it before. Your hand almost automatically makes its way to your nose.  You felt a thick liquid brush against the pads of your fingers. If you looked at them, you’d likely see them covered in blood.

You shrug and brush your deep red sleeve against your face. You probably didn't get all of it based on the crooked grin on his face.

"Shit kid, they'll think I punched you." Jason chuckles good-naturedly. You know he's not nervous. He’s charming enough to talk his way out of it.

"Relax, Dick will likely say I deserved it if they do think you punched me but that is highly unlikely seeing these episodes are an open secret after I bled on Mrs. Yavorski's satin dress a few years ago. "  

"Well, in that case, you want a smoke? Should take the edge off." Jason says it as a joke holding out a pack of cigarettes to you. Everyone knows Wayne kids are good kids.

You, feeling particularly cheeky, take the cigarette between his lip and take a long drag, inhaling and letting your eyes slide close.

He makes a quiet choking noise. Away from the sea of minds, you can feel his eyes on you. Wide and disbelieving. A cocktail of interest, embarrassment, excitement, and delight swirls in his mind. It might have been attraction or it might just have been amusement. You shouldn't be too surprised by the reaction. Tim is quite the knock out even when he looks dead on his feet. His confusion only lasts five seconds before you cough out   "Christ, it's just as bad as Bruce said it was."

You hand him back the cigarette laughing and coughing into your sleeve.

"So, did your brother tell you to apologize?" He says, clearing his throat not really looking you in the eyes. You can still see the faint speck of color on his face.

"Well,  he didn't say it. He doesn’t really have to and I do have manners contrary to popular belief. Plus! In my defense, your dog is cute. "

"Lizzie is, isn't she?" Jason smiles patting Lizzie on her head. It was a soft gesture. Something you really didn't expect from a supposedly hardened criminal let alone someone raised by Roman Sionis.

You crouch down to Lizzie's level and put your hands on the dog's face. Lizzie happily nuzzles into your hands.  

"You have a dog?"

" Depends, does Dick count?"

Jason snorts. "Do you ever think before you speak?"

"Not when I'm drunk and bleeding, no."

"How drunk are you?"

You mime counting.  "As far as Dick knows, I'm 1 to 2 flutes drunk. As far as the staff knows, I'm 7 flutes drunk."

"I should probably get you back to your brother then" Jason laughs, pulling you by the arm. You notice for the first time just how big his hands really are.  

"No, I-"

Gunshots. Pain. Panic. They ring in equal measure to you as a black van pulls up in the alley.

"Fuck! Box!"

A man in a dark suit crumples to the ground. You recognize him. He was part of Jason's security team. In a flurry of movement, Jason's by his side. You think he's checking the injuries- which in your opinion is at once the smartest and dumbest move you could do in this situation- but he-is in fact-checking for a gun.  

Gun in hand, Jason begins shooting at the men.

You think to grab a stray brick or something but you knew your best chance was to crouch low and maybe convince Jason to do the same. But based on the murder radiating from him, that was highly unlikely.

Lizzie runs out in front of them to protect Box and Jason. It goes as well as expected.  

Lizzie whines into your touch. The tendrils of your mind desperately trying to keep Lizzie there. You want to scream. Your mind surges trying to dip into someone else but Jason's anger and grief consume you. You want to charge at them, rip their throats out, tear them limb from limb. But it's Jason who does it. His body launches forward faster than you could speak.

The men in masks were just as fast. One of them incapacitates him with a well-placed metal pipe to the head. His whole body hits the pavement with one loud thud. Your breath catches.  

"There's two of them,"

"What do you mean there's two of them?"

"The boss said black hair, blue eyes, and a fucked up face"

"Did he say what kind of fucked up?"

"Not really"

You want to squawk about how nosebleeds don't really count. Given,  it is bleeding like it’s auditioning to be the next Niagara falls.

"Just take them both!" barks a rough voice from the van.  

You think to make a break for it but fast as you are(not really). Your head was still ringing and you couldn't really take them out on your own.

You hold your hands up in surrender. "I'll go quietly. I know the drill. "

The men look at each other clearly confused by your cooperation but not really willing to question it.

They throw cuffs on your wrist and literally throw you into the van like a sack of potatoes. Not that they treat Jason any better. He looks dizzy and pale.

"Are you-"

With a heave, he throws up on "your" shoes. You want to laugh. You really do. You also just want to cry.  

Tim is going to kill you. No, Alfred will. If you’re lucky-which you never are- Dick will suffocate you with a hug before they ever get to you.  

Maybe just maybe, the kidnappers will do it for you.

Yeah, right.

[epiphanicwiring]

My controlling mother

I’ve been 20 years old for some months now, but it’s been a while I’ve come to suspect my mother is indeed controlling. Parents shape, in some way or another, even tacitly or subtly, and to some extent, our common sense, values and life perspectives, although it is in our own will whether we critically analyze them, follow or refuse them... Sometimes our concept of what is ‘normal’ is warped, and because it is ingrained in our common sense, we don’t doubt about its veracity until we pop some of our experience into a conversation with friends, our therapist or significant other, and they give you a look of concern. That is what happened to me: It’s no news I’ve been suffering from depression for years, so the first time I went to see a therapist was in 2015 (I was 15/16 then). I would walk from school to the psych’s, and I would wait until I was inside of the building to message my mother that I have arrived (I felt I would be lying if I did it outside the building, at the door, for example). I did it every time. My therapist found this odd: I naturally explained to her what I was doing, as it was something I was accustomed to. She was probably the first one to point me out that that was a bit too much. But I always did it: “School”, “Conser(vatory)”, “Psychologist”, “At [insert friend’s name]’s”. I knew that if I didn’t send her those messages, she would become worried, and call me or my friends, only to know that I was okay, and then she would get angry and I would have to stand it. Then I got into university in 2017. I got into the Sound Engineering career. This is a sub-story: Throughout my adolescence, I was pretty much interested in every career known to man. My grades at school were so incredible I had an average of almost 9.7/10 in all of the subjects that were in Spanish, since I went to a bilingual school (I have to admit, Physical Education was the only subject I failed at, and that’s probably why I didn’t have a 9.9 or something), and an average of 10/10 in all of the English subjects. That was no surprise, I was the ��gifted, brilliant’ student child since primary school; I still can recall my mother’s facial expressions when receiving my grades when I was 6 or 7, crying of joy. It’s up to this day that no one who personally knows me (except for my closest friends and boyfriend) even dares to ask me how am I doing at university, because ‘I must be doing terrifically good’. Back to the sub-story, my main career choices were Astronomy, Psychology, Fashion Design, Medicine (I’ve been interested in Neurology, Neuroscience and Neurosurgery for quite a long time now) and Music. That’s quite a lot, yeah. But my main dream was to be a composer. So when I was around 14 years old, I happily expressed this to my mother. “Composition? You want to study Composition? You’ll starve yourself to death. You can’t live off it”. (The same answer I got when I was little and dreamt of being an astronomer, by the way). She followed it with: “You have such a brain you could be a neurosurgeon. That’s what you could be”. As if composing were easy, right? But yeah, she was... Right, I was too intelligent to waste my time composing. So I crossed out “Composer” from my careers list and never thought of it again.  From that time to when I was 16/17, I was desperate to find ‘that’ career, the one that would suit me like a ring. “What career could mix the arts with the “hard sciences”? Does something like... Sound Engineering exist?” and then I googled ‘Ingeniería de Sonido’ (Sound Engineering) and I found out that the career was only taught at Untref, 2 hours away from where I live, out of all the places Argentina has to offer. (If you want to know, yes, I have 4 hours of daily commuting, without counting the less extreme commuting to my music conservatory which is 20 minutes away with a lot of traffic). Studying Sound Engineering at Untref does not equal to graduating as a producer, nor a record engineer. Of course you can work in those fields, but to put it bluntly, as many professors say, you would kind of be wasting your degree; you would be more in the side of submitting papers and working with huge acoustic solutions companies than recording an album in a studio. So, at first, my mother thought it had to do with, you know, the music industry: “(The university) It’s too far away!”, “I don’t want you to study this!”, “It’s full of boys, you will feel bored”, “Remember, you could be a neurosurgeon”. But I really wanted it, and I won the battle: I got inscripted, I passed the exams, I got into the career. When I chose the career (16 years old), I was pretty much disencouraged from following a career in music. I felt mediocre, despite what my double bass teacher expressed to me (”I don’t think you should follow another career, you have all of the potential to be a professional double bassist”, he said to me. He even recently told me to substitute him in the Bass Department when he retires). I felt too old, too intelligent and too much into academia to follow a music career. “I don’t even practice 4 hours a day”. Why? Because I had to stand out at school. Because that was “a priority”, in the words of my mother. So I was prepared to leave music behind and be the best sound engineer in the scene. Too bad I was...  Severely depressed. And I failed, and failed, and failed... Course after course. I wanted a gun or a million pills so bad, I wanted it all to fade away. It was in the mid-term of 2017 that I noticed I was doing horribly, emotionally and psychologically. I couldn’t get out of bed, I had zero ability to focus, I lived off coffee and I had lots of emotional revolts. I needed help. I told my mother about this, and she didn’t take it well. “I give you everything and yet you feel like this”, “You’re just lazy”, “What you have isn’t depression, you just want attention”. She refused to pay for the therapy sessions, so I basically had to use all of my savings and the money I gained from giving lessons (It’s been years I want to buy a bow for my bass. Once I had to lend her 4000 Argentinian pesos I had saved throughout time, which is a lot, and she never gave them back to me, and never will, unless she buys me a bow or something). My therapist used to be my Psychology professor at school, and I knew he was the only one who could work with my mind at that stage, and really help me. I eagerly payed him until I had zero money of my own, and I told him I would have to stop the treatment. He appreciates me a lot as much as I do with him, and he offered me to keep attending the sessions paying half of what it was. I’m forever grateful and I promised to myself I will give him every cent back once I start to save more money. Still, I had to cut the treatment 3 or 4 months later (2018 mid-term), because it was my mother this time who was paying it, and whenever she had to give me the money, she tried to oblige me to stop going, or told me “You aren’t depressed anymore so why are you wasting your time going to the therapist, I cannot pay for it”. She loves to tell people with a smile that going to a therapist is useful and a wonderful thing to do, when in reality, she treated her daughter like actual shit for being depressed. She was the one who kept on sending me to a school where people bullied me for 11 years. She was the one who would made me feel bad about having a 7/10 or an 8/10 on an exam from time to time. She was the one who told me to ‘make myself strong’ instead of taking action to come to a solution. The thing is that, to this day, I still have some of the symptoms or habits: I break down mentally from one second to another (the trigger is usually her, or career choices, or body insecurities), I engage in suicide ideation, sometimes I hit myself, I fast, I cry myself to sleep, I procrastinate heavily on the Internet out of anxiety or I want to isolate myself and terminate any link with humanity. It’s not like I’m not depressed anymore. These symptoms come and go, but they aren’t completely gone. I was also diagnosed with anaemia last year. It isn’t that terrible in the sense that I’m not going to die, but it definitely made me extremely tired and dissociative (depression+anaemia=failing classes). 

In early 2018, I had told my mother I was unsure about my career decision. Sound Engineering is an amazing field, but leaving music as a hobbie wasn’t really in my plans (having gained some of the confidence I had lost when I was 16, as previously mentioned). I was asking myself: “What if the only thing that stopped me from becoming a professional musician was fear?”. The fear to dare do something my mother didn’t approve of. The fear of economic instability, competition... What if I really starve myself to death in the music industry? What if I cannot offer anything good as an artist? What if it really is a waste of my intellectual abilities? What if... As soon as I demonstrated this (filtered, of course) uncertainty to her, she became a monster. She was angered, her voice’s volume slightly up, and her eyes... It’s the eyes. The way she looks at you when she’s angry or in disapproval. I’ve feared them since childhood. This also happened one time I told her I could maybe be biromantic or bisexual. I was 15 or 16, and I liked a girl I knew from the Internet. That was all, nothing serious, but even though I have always felt attracted to men, and my main crushes were men, I knew since I was little I had the capacity within me to love anyone from any gender. To me, love just is, even just trying to label myself ‘I’m this, I’m that’ is something I’m deeply uninterested in. That day, I remember, she left me ith doubts and hatred towards myself: “How could I possibly like a girl? I’ve always liked boys, there’s no way”. The same effect had the conversation about my uncertainty in terms of career choices. “How could I possibly be a musician? I’m destined to be an engineer. I’ve always liked science. I’ve always wanted economic stability. I want to live well. There’s no way I could possibly be a musician”. 

When I started university, I made wonderful friends. And of course, we talk to each other whenever we can. There was one occasion I mentioned during a conversation how my mother tracked me by GPS. One of my friends found this terrible. I also mentioned that not only she tracked me, she also kept asking me to message her where were I: “At [bus number]”, “Uni”, “Subway”, “At [insert friend’s name]’s”. There was one time I was in a Calculus class and I saw she was calling me (fortunately I always have my phone silent, something she hates). I had to go out and talk to her. She had been using the GPS and she couldn’t stop the panic button. According to the GPS’ map, I was somewhere else (this glitch happened quite a few times) and because I forgot to send her the “Uni” text informing her that I, in fact, had arrived at university, she was extremely worried. She listened to my friends’ voices and became calm. 

Another thing she does is waking me up when she wants to. If I don’t, she becomes very angry. When does she wake me up now, in vacations time? 8 or 9 AM. That’s already too late for her. What does she do? Come up to my bedroom and all of a sudden, open the door, threatening me with something if I don’t wake up. Or telling me I HAVE to go buy something for her work by 10 AM because she has forgotten to do so. That’s not the worst, she recently got to the stairs (the stairs that take you to the second floor, which are located above my bedroom’s ceiling) and she started DANCING making a lot of unnerving noise. 

Sometimes I don’t want to eat and she would come up to me and tell me “You are not going to eat? Okay, I’ll take you to the psych guards and let you there”. Oh, and she’s used to taking photos of me and sending them to people knowing that I’m extremely self-conscious and that that could cause me an emotional turmoil.

In September 2018 I started dating the love of my life. Unfortunately, as much as I want to keep an upbeat predisposition, my mother has been a topic of discussion and an obstacle to my general well-being in this realm as well. Again, how can someone be completely happy when they are temporally and physically restricted by someone else? Going out with my boyfriend and spending quality time with him is definitely one of my most favourite activities. But again, there she is: “Let me know when you find him”, “Tell me when you’ve arrived to the place”, “I don’t want you two to be alone”, “Don’t be back late” (late to her is 9 PM), “Solange, when are you coming back home???”. At first I didn’t notice the chains were so heavy. But after various events and discussing this with my boyfriend, they really are. For example, she would prevent me from going to a party or going out for dinner with him “because it’s too late”. I recently tried to let her see that the dangers of the city are inevitable, and that I’m already a grownup adult who has the right to make her own decisions (and of course, I will provide myself of safety as much as possible). With her logic in mind, I practically can’t get out of my house. As usual, she tried to make me feel as if I was the irrational one. Her arguments are: “I’m the one who provides you of housing and basic resources (so she’s the authority in here)”, “If something happens to you, I’m responsible”, “You never help me in the house and you DARE do the opposite of what I tell you to do”, “I’ve been working all day and you went out and had a great time so you can’t say anything to me”. Her gaslighting me makes me doubt if maybe I’m wrong and I have to play by her rules. In the past I would rather had her in my side, but now more than ever I’m totally certain that it is my life that’s at risk, and that as an adult, my rights to choose cannot be prohibited nor taken away from me.

I would like to know what do you guys think of this, and any help in the form of advice, observations, arguments and ideas on independence will be very much appreciated. If you happen to have controlling, abusing or toxic parents and would like to discuss about it, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me.

[gaiyofanfiction]

Save Me (6)

Chapter 1: Second Time? - Chapter 2: Awake - Chapter 3: First Love - Chapter 4: Mama - Chapter 5: Reflection - Chapter 6: Lie - Chapter 7: Stigma - Chapter 8: Begin - Chapter 9: Taken - Chapter 10: Torture - Chapter 11: The Plan - Chapter 12: The Escape

Reader X Jungkook

Mental Hospital AU

Angst/Thriller/Romance

A/N: Hey all! We're really hoping you guys are liking the story. We don't have many reviews or likes like our last story did... Please post some reviews, we wanna know what you think. Thank you. Anyway, enjoy! Disclaimer: This story is pure fiction. We did take their personalities and match as best we can with illnesses, however we do not claim that the boys from BTS have these mental illnesses! Also, we did as much research as we can on each disorder. We are not meaning to offend anyone who has these illnesses at all. ALSO, WE DO KNOW BTS CHANGED THEIR ENGLISH NAME TO BEYOND THE SCENE BUT WE’RE USING BULLETPROOF BOYSCOUTS CAUSE IT FITS THE STORY BETTER. Trigger warning: Mentions of mental illness, hospitals, self harm, suicide attempt and abuse. Both Gaisho and I recommend, if you feel like you need to go to the hospital for ANY reason, please don’t be afraid to do so. It can help. If you EVER feel like you need to talk to anyone, vent, or need advice on anything, please do not hesitate to msg us! We’ve been through it all. Character Descriptions so far: Reader- Chronic Depression, Derealization Disorder and Dissociative Amnesia Jin - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (With homicidal tendencies) Suga- Narcolepsy and Chronic Depression J-Hope- Bipolar II Disorder Rap Monster- OCD and Paranoia Chapter 6: Lie:         You watch as Jimin reluctantly followed the doctor and nurse into another room. You glance over at Rap Monster who looked troubled and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Jimin will be okay.”

        Rap Monster shakes his head, “you don’t know Jimin like I do. He doesn’t take things so well. That’s part of why he’s here in the first place.”

        You furrow your brows in confusion but let the comment go. You’re certain Jimin will explain to you in time why he’s here.

        You hear a low growl come from behind you. You turn your head to see Jungkook glaring at your hand resting on Rap Monster’s shoulder. Quickly, you remove your hand and send a small smile to the youngest boy. “Kookie, I-” But before you could finish your sentence, he turns the other way, talking to V.

        A sharp pain pierced your heart. You sigh and look down at your shaking hands. ‘Damn, why do I keep doing this? How am I supposed to talk to him if he thinks I’m hitting on his best friend?’ You want to slam your head against the wall but you’re pretty sure that would land you in the last place you want to be in.

        Suddenly you hear a crash and screaming. ‘Is that coming from the room Jimin just went into?’ You watch as Jimin slams the door open, it was like his rage radiated from his very skin. He turns to scream once again into the room.

        “YOU GUYS CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. THAT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!” then without a word to anyone, he marches his way back to his room, slamming the door.

        You look over at the rest of the boys, who all look more gloomy than surprised. “What the hell just happened?”

        Suga sighs, “Jimin tends to get a little... intense when he hears something he doesn’t particularly like. He’ll be alright. He just needs some time.”

        You stand up suddenly. “I’m going to go see if he’s okay.”

        The boy’s heads shoot up giving you a shocked look, including Jungkook.

        “Um, I wouldn’t do that, Y/N. Once Jimin gets like this, he lashes out at everyone, no matter who it is. I’d just leave him alone if I were you.” Jin warns you.

        “I’ll be okay. I have a feeling he won’t hurt me.” You head straight for the door.

        Jungkook glances at your back, very worried about you going to see his friend. Unknowingly, he follows you quietly to make sure you’re okay.

        You make it to Jimin’s room and knock on the door. “Jimin, are you okay?” You don’t wait for an answer as you slowly open the door and step inside. “Jimin, it’s me, Y/N. I just wanted to-”

    Suddenly you’re being grabbed and thrown against the wall, pinned by your shoulders. In front of you was one furious Jimin. “Who said you could come in here?” He aggressively barks at you, getting close to your face.

       You yelp in pain as your shoulders hit the wall. You look into his eyes, trying to find some kind of sign that Jimin is in there, but all you see is darkness. “I-I j-just wanted to see if y-you were okay…” You trail off.

       Jimin continues to keep his eyes locked with yours, slamming you into the wall again. “You’re not going to take me from them! No one is going to take them away from me! THEY’RE MY ONLY FAMILY I HAVE!”

       You let out another cry of pain as he repeatedly slams you into the wall. Tears cascade down your cheeks, terrified of the once sweet boy in front of you. ‘Shit! What do I do! He won’t calm down!’ 

       “Hyung! Let her go!” You hear a familiar voice coming from the doorway. You turn your head to see jungkook stare angrily at Jimin.

       Jimin turns his attention to his youngest friend, the darkness starting to fade from his eyes. He turns back to look at you and notices the tears running down your cheeks. His eyes widen in fear and lets you go, backing away.

       “Y/N, I-I’m s-so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to.” He collapses on his messy bed, eyes fixated on his hands like they’ve just betrayed him.

       You stood on shaky legs, dusting yourself off. You turn to give a thankful look to Jungkook who looks at you with a worried expression.

       “T-Thank you, Kookie.” He immediately goes from confident to terrified and shy again. He twiddles with his shirt and looks down at his feet. ‘It seems like he doesn’t mind the nickname now. Hopefully that won’t change.’

       He turns his back to you, “y-you should probably leave. He may freak out again.”

       You glance at Jimin sitting on the bed with his face in his hands and his body trembling. “I-I’ll be okay. I’m going to stay.”

       Jimin looks up at you, surprised. “No, he’s right. You should get away, away from me.”

       Jungkook just nods and leaves the two of you there. You slowly approach the now calmed down boy, sitting next to him on his bed. “A-Are you okay now?”

       Jimin shakes his head. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

       You give him a small smile. “I know how it feels to have an...episode. You can’t control your own body, thoughts, and words. It’s like you’re suddenly someone else.”

       He doesn’t say anything but nods in acknowledgement of your words as he continues to stare at his hands.

       “So, are you going to tell me what happened?”

       “It’s that stupid fucking Doctor,” he throws his pillow at the wall and stares where it fell to the ground. “He thinks he’s so high and mighty, that he can do whatever he wants. He asked what would happen if I was suddenly taken away from the rest of the boys. I-I can’t be. They’re all I have. I have no one else.” You feel the hurt as Jimin scrunches up the bed sheet in his hands.

       You see drops of tears hit the floor. You gently rub Jimin’s back, trying to soothe him. “Why are you in here, Jimin?”

       He sniffles and wipes his cheeks. “It’s kind of a long, depressing story.”

       You chuckle and lean back on the bed. “Seems to be the trend with everyone else.”

       Jimin gives a slight chuckle too and then his demeanor turns serious. “It kind of started in the beginning of high school. I used to be a good kid. Good grades, good family life, never got into trouble. You’d never think I’d end up in a place like this. I surely didn’t...”

       He leans back, staring at the ceiling. “Even though I was a good kid, I didn’t have many friends because I was always studying. I met a few kids in school who had quite the reputation...and not the good kind. One of them was a girl who I had class with. She was really pretty and very nice to me. I eventually developed a crush. I was invited to hang out with her and her friends a few times. Being as smitten as I was, I agreed to go. But I had no idea it would be my downfall.”

       His eyes wander as he begins to trail off. You tap his shoulder to get his attention, giving him a smile to continue. He sighs and runs his shaky hand through his hair. ‘This must be a really painful story for him.’

       “I didn’t realize how bad they actually were. They were involved with drugs and drinking. I never did any of the stuff, no. But I was always around them when it happened. One day, there was a big house party and the girl invited me. There were tables full of various drugs and alcoholic drinks which they brought themselves. I watched as each person got high and drunk, leaving me the only sober one. Well, a few hours into the party, someone had called the cops. They completely raided the house we were in.”

       Jimin flares his nose and starts to heavily breathe in and out of his nostrils. ‘Maybe this wasn’t a good idea to ask. I don’t want him to get angry like that again.’

       Before you could say anything, he continues. “Everyone was jumping ship, trying not to get caught in a lie. Well, someone did. All of the other people got away except the girl and I. They were handling us pretty roughly, trying to get us into the back of the squad cars. The look on the girl’s face was filled with terror. Because I was struck with young love, I told the cops that everything in the house was mine and that they should let her go. And they did. I thought my friends would come to help me after that night to try to explain the situation. I was wrong.”

        Jimin takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “Everything from that moment changed. I was charged with possession and had to go to court at the age of fifteen. I lost all my “friends” that day and ended up costing my parents tons of money. It went on for a year. Everyday, I wished that someone would take me out of this hell. I thought to myself ‘I can’t free myself from this lie. Give me back my laughter.’ and ‘I can’t free myself from this pain, save the me who’s being punished', but no one did. I developed severe anger issues from always trying to defend myself. It keeps happening even though I run away. I’m caught in a lie. A big fat lie. I got angry at everyone and everything, a lot of the times for no real reason. The doctors told me I have Explosive Anger Disorder. The reason I’m actually in here, though, was I got very angry at my mom one day and ended up hurting her. I-I didn’t mean to. I just couldn’t control myself.”

        Jimin once again buries his head in his hands, trying to hold back tears. “Now I’m here, in this fucked up place. The me from before is still here but the lie that’s gotten too big is trying to swallow me up. The only good thing here is meeting the boys. They really helped me through everything. I don’t know what I’d do without them, that’s why they can’t be taken away from me. I can’t free myself from this pain, save the me that’s being punished.”

        You sit there in silence. For once, you’re not really sure what to say. What could you even say to someone with a story like that? He’s in this place when it wasn’t his fault. He’s stuck here because of other people’s selfish reasons.

        “Ah...Jimin…” you reach for his hand, “I know the world may seem really cruel. I used to think that everyone I met was a backstabber. Every so-called friend I had ended up not being friends with me after high school. I was so hurt and full of resentment that I couldn’t control my feelings and I tried to hide my memories of them… even the good ones.”

        You gave Jimin a warm smile and held his hand between the both of yours. “But, ever since I got in here and met you guy, I feel like I could have real friends that actually care about me. Jimin…” you stop to look him sincerely in his eyes, “your actions do not define you. Always remember that.”

        He starts to blush a little and smiles brightly back. “You got it, Y/N.” ‘There’s the Jimin that I want to see.’

        All of a sudden you hear a body swiftly leave the room. “You’ve got to be kidding me...again!?” You let your head drop and you start to sulk.

        Jimin playfully pushes you off the bed, “go get ‘em, tiger!” You laugh, but you drag your body out of the room. 

        You see Jungkook just down the hall. You yell for him, “Kookie, wait!” You start to pick up the pace and try to run after him. He doesn’t seem to be listening, “please Kookie, hear me out!”

        Suddenly he stops in his tracks and turns, but your feet don’t stop in time and you trip over yourself and into Jungkook’s body. Your eyes were closed shut because you thought you were going to fall but, his arms were holding you up.

        It’s like time had just stopped. ‘Oh my god...he’s...he’s holding me.’ You slowly look up to him with big sparkly eyes and he just stares back with his mouth just slightly opened. He swallows the lump in his throat and continues to help you up. 

        Before you could say anything he immediately tries to turn away from you and walk away. You quickly grab his wrist and hold it tightly, “Kookie...please. Please don’t go…” your voice shakes and your heart starts to retch.

        “J-just hear me out. I-I am just so grateful to have met you all and it’s been my goal to get to know you boys more since you all have been more of a friend to me than anyone I have ever met and I…” You start to choke up.

        “I want to get to know you too, Kookie,” he suddenly turns around and gets really close to you. His fingers caress your lips and your heart explodes like fireworks. Jungkook suddenly realizes what he did and he freaks out. He runs off into the distance and all you could do was stand there completely dumbfounded. You touch your lips in disbelief. “Oh, Kookie…”

[morcalla]

Fucking sexism poop poop poop

Okay, so I figured Miss Hickory out.  The end got SUPER weird.  Like horror/drug trip movie presented in a lighthearted tone.  I’m not kidding.  The squirrel ate her head and the head narrated it.  Not kidding.  Then the body walked away thinking about the upsides of not having a head.  Still not kidding.  

Throughout the book uncool stuff happened to Miss Hickory.  The chipmunk moved into her house.  Her neighbor at the new place she found to live (Squirrel) constantly talked about nuts and stared at her head (which was a nut) and at least once she woke up in the morning and the squirrel was staring at her while she slept.  Miss Hickory felt scared and angry about these things.  The advice she was given and that she swallowed and embodied was to...accept them and see the upside.  Like she never even went back to her house and instead talked about how much she liked her new clothes she made better.  Like that’s a great attitude, but..um...it’s okay to be mad and try to get your old clothes back and THEN get new clothes.  I totally thought the squirrel stalker thing was going to be a tale of redemption where the squirrel can see her as a friend and stops trying to eat her head.  Nope.  Spring comes so she goes to visit him in his house and he just fucking reaches over and takes her head off and eats it.  Tell me this isn’t coded “if you go into his house you’re asking for it”  language.  So much rape culture in this book putatively for kids about dolls.  If your neighbor stares at you all the time and talks about wanting parts of your body and you wake up to find them staring at you, all of those things are reasons to call the police, get a restraining order, wish she didn’t have to move again, but if you have the resources, maybe stop living in a nest.  Maybe, idk move back to the house that was stolen from you.  Oh wait you can’t, you’re female and your body and possessions are the property of whatever male (in this case tree rodent) wants to take them.  So let’s look at the bright side.  Cue Monty Python.

So Miss Hickory walks away from having her head eaten thinking about how maybe it’s good (I’m not making this up!) because her head made her “hardheaded.”  Alison says: those were boundaries.  Also, side note, she missed seeing baby Jesus at Christmas because she was “hardheaded” though at the time it was because her neck was made of twigs and too stiff.  I don’t even...  Anyway, relieved of her boundaries by some random asshole who tried to stop himself but just couldn’t resist taking parts of his body for his own (can you feel the sarcasm), she walks away trying to make it okay.  Then her sap starts flowing and she loses all her fear and starts vaulting into a tree.  “It never entered her mind, since she now had none, that she might be going too far, climbing too high.”  I’m going to push the rape analogy too far and say: yeah!  sometimes trauma does lead to dissociative episodes.  So she finally gets really calm, feels like she’s finally at home at the top of an apple tree and her perspective ends.

The last chapter is two children talking about an apple tree, the girl listening while the boy explains botany stuff to her.  Don’t even start.  Anyway, it wraps up by implying heavily that this old tree has been reinvigorated by a scion being grafted in, and big mystery, it wasn’t humans who did it!  You, being so clever have figured out that the grafted on twig is Miss Hickory.  And, ah, nice ending, maybe she’s happier now that she’s part of something bigger.  DON’T LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

The picture is Miss Hickory’s decapitated body jammed into an apple tree NECK first.  Like if her hands were upturned to the sky or maybe the tree bark took on her face I could see her finding peace or wholeness or something.  NOPE. She jammed her headless neck into the tree to completely subsume her own identity and bring the tree back to life.  Motherfucking metaphor on the role of women in society.  FUCK YOU 1940s.

So Jesse, next time Alison is crying, or yelling at you, or refuses to engage with someone who has stated that women just can’t be in leadership positions, and you think it has something to do with sexism but you don’t understand more or feel like both sides need to be represented, please remember this book.  Please remember that a woman sat down and wrote a book about how boundaries are just holding women back from happiness (or at least baby Jesus) and women are valueless and have no real point unless they are actively giving up their identity and independence in the pursuit of nurturing something.  And she cloaked it in winsome and entertaining language.  And a council of librarians (even in the 40s, probably woman heavy, and education heavy) voted that book the most distinguished contribution to children’s literature that year.  I like my life, I like my kid, I like my husband, but there is a massive, subtle (decreasing, but still massive and subtle) cultural wave inundating us in the message that unmarried or childless women are valueless, and I’m fighting it.  “Both sides” means taking up the cause of a head eating squirrel.

[armourheld]

                               CHAPTER 17 & REINERS DISSOCIATION.  

             WARNING - THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 90+

Now before I begin, I want to state how I now perceive Reiners dissociation as to have 2 alters, instead of just the simple Warrior & Soldier: the warrior, in my eyes, is NOT the true Reiner, & that’s due to events / responses emitted in chapter 96 ( Reiner is dead... I’ll become Marcel. ) This means this meta will be identifying all 3 different personas should they occur - you can disagree with me on this, & if you still want to read it, then just view Reiners ‘ true ‘ self as the Warrior side, & I think we’ll be chill !

To give some backstory on Chapter 17: this is the chapter where Reiner & Eren combat train together, both of them get their asses kicked by Annie & Jean gets encouraged to actually put effort into training.  This is one of the first chapters in which Reiner gets such a speaking/main part, & god does it hint the early stages of his dissociation. 

We begin the chapter with Eren finally tackling Reiner down, who seems mildly ticked off at the prospect of still being quite weak in comparison to Eren, especially when it comes to battle training. Of course, we’ve seen him as nothing much more than a character who just has ‘ one goal ‘ & doesn’t seem willing to help Eren, in which makes his characterisation here completely normal. Reiner’s obviously in WARRIOR mode at this point, & to me that’s more than exciting ! 

Now, Eren’s responce here is quite important to me: ‘ Run away, of course ! ’, which indeed is natural for someone of their ability to say. Eren’s priorities are fighting the titans, he doesn’t want to get involved in human conflict, but it also sparks something of interest to me. Thinking back to Reiners backstory, can we all remember what exactly happened to Reiner as a kid ? Bingo! You guessed it: Reiner ran away from Ymir when she ate Marcel, something that was, you guessed it, IRRESPONSIBLE of him, just as Annie states back in the day.  It’s so influential, & a causer of old memories that Reiner certainly didn’t want to remember / think about again. 

Now, while Eren’s explaining himself to Reiner, he goes back to thinking about the time he killed those men, meaning that he’s really not paying attention. His expression is seemingly reproachful, but we have no entire clue about how Reiners feeling / thinking... Until...

BOOM. “  It’s not childs play  ” -  Reiners faced with the final words that complete his memories. Something that, to me, seems very obvious with his facial expression. He doesn’t know whats going on, but somethings making him angry, pictures that he’s repressed are suddenly reappearing. This ‘ child’s play ‘ strikes him in the core, he was a kid when he ran away, confronting someone was something he couldn’t do as a kid, Reiner knows exactly what Eren’s talking about, because he went through it with Ymir, but goodness does he want to face that? No. He dissociates, & gives a reaction of a natural soldier, the one who WANTS to be Eren’s friend.

&... if we needed more proof of this. 

HERE COMES OUR VERY OWN REINER SOLDIER SPEECH. Something that’s very important to me about Reiner is his strong sense of duty; whatever alter is in control, he follows the orders. He aims to complete what is set out of him, because thats the only thing that got far in Reiners life. He was devoted to Marley, so they let him in as a warrior, Marcels discussion with the soldiers was probably heavily suggested by his devotion, Reiners dutifulness of wanting to complete the mission even AFTER getting Marcel eaten is the one thing that makes him the leader outside of the titan trio. Reiners devoted, dedicated & , as Shadis puts it, has a strong sense of duty. The only things his alters are certain about our their duties, & goodness doesn’t he say it. 

& suddenly, the speech is cut off, along with another dissociation back to the warrior side of his personality. The most important thing to take note of Reiners position here is the hand upon his head. Where have we seen this before, hm ? The armoured titan revealed scene, & the scene wherein Eren & Ymir are captured - A strong sign of his repeat dissociation is the hand upon the head strategy, for reasons unknown, but there’s obviously something going on. Lecturing him like some “ know-it-all ”, something that proves that whatever happened seemed to out of character to him, he’s scared, he’s confused, but he can’t bring up to Eren. So what does he do ? Change subject. 

( also the whole power comment is ironic, but i’ll use that for my full on dissociation meta later ;) )

Two very important things about dissociation that I want to bring up here is a cause & a symptom of it. First up, people with dissociation can sometimes dissociate to calm down & focus on something; Eren’s opened a tin can of memories here, & Reiner doesn’t know what to do with them - so creating something else is much easier than coping with what it suggests. Just like he does more predominantly in later chapters. 

Now, the most important bit of this bit is the conversational topic: a symptom of people who suffer from dissociation seems to be the common occurrence of not entirely making sense. Reiner starts off by talking about his duty, & then moves on to pointing out Annie for no entire reason. ( there’s ?? no ?? need ?? for ?? it ?? ) But he does it anyway. This bit seems very much like the warrior part of him maintaining control, but there’s hints of the soldiers there. He’s just trying to make the best of both worlds, which is probably not going to plan. 

it’s a smooth recovery, at least. One that helps him stay under the radar. 

Now, tbh this is the scene that brought me to this meta in the process of writing my big one - & that’s the relation of this compared to chapter 96. As we’ve seen in the first few panels, Reiner thinks running away from actual human combat is bad, but Annie avoiding the topic completely is probably something he views as just as bad. He knows they are titan shifters, of course theres going to be moments / issues where they have to tackle things without turning into titans, people may evoke a way where they stop them from shifting - &, anyway, Annies strongest moves come from combat. This is his way of protecting her, even though it’s not as “ nice “ as we’d expect Reiner to be. When you’re not the soldier & want control, just remind your colleague about the time she killed you & when you strangled her just afters !! Great team bonding moment !! 

&, just incase the audience missed it, Eren’s here to help point out how angry Annie is about this, but she makes no move to correct Reiner, or beat him up for his mannerisms, because she does remember & she doesn’t want to have a repeat of that situation. The look on her face, however, intimidates Eren, until he’s brought back to focus on the task at hand by Reiner once more ! Taking note of his facial expression here, he seems to be someone who’s now much more happier, friendlier etc... Which suggests to me he’s gone back to the soldier side, as like previously stated, he’s focusing away from the memories... Making Eren fight Annie in combat training seems more than natural, & that’s just what he does ! 

That is, until the fight begins...

See the main focus of this panel is Annie using only one move to tackle Eren to the ground. It’s obviously effective, but where in fact have we seen this move recently ? Here. The move she uses exactly on Reiner in this clip is the exact same one as the one she uses on Reiner, only that they end up in different positions. However, if we go back to chapter 94 again, something that reiner brings up is how he doesn’t remember why he became a warrior, nor the memories that follow it. Chapters 94 - 96 so far are becoming his recollection, but theres something here thats important to me. 

Reiners expression. The shock on his face, the way he’s looking straight at Annie instead of focusing on Eren, who clearly needs help at this moment in time. Her move, her face - maybe he recollected the past ? The idea that Annie & Reiner trained together as kids is important to me, just as it’s important to him, but honestly ? The expression on his face screams fright, screams remembrance from where he stands. It claims, I know this from the past; the one you killed. 

Now, this bit intrigues me a slight bit more. Annie’s done her duty, she’s asking for dismissal, but Reiners against that. The thing with this scene is that even he refuses to look at her, and it’s influential to me. Is he a soldier ? A warrior ? I can’t tell... The words scream soldier / but the face screams warrior ( especially when you compare it to his & eren’s irresponsible talk. ) Reiner encourages her on, despite Eren’s protests. Part of him wants to see more, even though he’s avoiding it - maybe he’s even in a dreamlike state ? 

But boom, Annie follows his orders once more & tackles Eren to the ground once again ! In one move, at least. Going back to that scene in chapter 94, Eren is now effectively in the same position Reiner found himself in all that time ago. This time, he takes a look at Eren, instead of Annie’s retreating figure, because it’s jinxing him. Annie’s gaze is hard to identify, in this scene, but part of me wonders if she can tell. Reiners remembering the memories of the boy who had simply died the day the walls crashed down. He remembers being in Eren’s position, & he doesn’t like it one bit. 

But then, Annie spurs them on more. “ It’s your turn to fight me. ”

& this is where the original, child reiner pulls through. The warrior who was never strong enough to hold the armoured titan - the kid who died ages ago. He doesn’t want to fight Annie, & it’s obvious by his new way of talking. He stutters in her presence, something unlikely of a LEADER. He stammers, his point doesn’t come across ; an uncommon trait for both the warrior or the soldier to be, & he’s caught. He remembers Annie handing it to him all those years ago, & now he doesn’t want to relive that moment. He’s not supposed to be like this still, & nor does he want people to notice, so he’s stalling - but Annie probably knows, as telling by her darkened facial expression, even if Reiner doesn’t think anything else of it. 

But then, Eren comes to the rescue ! Drawing out his dazed phase of being that kid to bring up the responsibility of becoming a soldier. Something that’s important to Reiners dissociation is the idea that he will repeat what he is in whatever form - & maybe that’s his recovery process. He hears soldier, gains focus, & finally he can remember who he’s supposed to do. The last dissociation we see in this bit has to be Reiner turning into a soldier once more, & it’s seen with very obvious remembrance. Reiner very easily slots into his soldier persona at the idea of “ responsibility “ - linked to his strong sense of duty.  He’s willing to forgo the memories he didn’t want to remember to be someone that the people want - & the soldier will fight. Appeasing Annie, at least. 

& then of course he gets his ass handed to him,  who knows what happens to him after that ? It’s very Annie / Eren centric after this moment. 

But, anyway, in conclusion, this is important to me due to how commonly Reiner probably dissociated in the beginning. They’ve mentioned how it’s possibly happened plenty of times, but to me ? This just takes the icing on the cake. Reiner is not a reliable leader from the start of becoming a soldier, as shown in this chapter the most, but that doesn’t make him a bad leader. His friendships grew within a persona in which wasn’t there completely, but I wonder if stages grew - I do have to praise Isayama for this, though. It’s very well hidden, especially as we ONLY have Erens point of view, & he’s out of the loop. Maybe this scene will be featured in Chapter 97 !! 

[tobeornottotc]

BTS Love yourself Analysis  MAMA AND LIE PT 2

This is a brain dump this means that there is a lot of just spurred notes here and there analysing the BTS theories,  I will be doing more brain dumps like these to get to the root of the story before Love yourself the film  airs next year

Extracts in bold are from  

http://weinholds.org/how-the-false-self-gets-created/

http://brettnewcomb.com/the-false-self-and-the-co-dependent-on-the-death-of-the-object/

Let me know your own theories and how you think the storyline began and ended, because the timeline is what’s throwing me off a lot.

Thanks R.

Cain and Abel- Jealousy, Betrayal, Brotherhood, Youth

MAMA and LIE (2)

The co-dependent false self

So I did a theory about how Jimin and Jhope are mirror characters of each other, one in a dark light, the other good. So Big hit finally released a message proving some of these theories, and the missing psychological piece was the idea of The Co-dependent false self.

“In the field of psychology, the mother and the According to Object Relations Theory, the mother’s primary job is to create a safe holding environment for the child while the child progresses through the stages of grandiose narcissism into the separation and individuation stage where the child learns that he and the mother, and in fact everyone else, are separate independent individuals. “

So first of all story wise we know that Jhope is suffering from Munchausen's syndrome which results, from the abandonment from his mother and this is shown in the Love yourself highlight reel videos.

The idea of Co dependence is that the people who go through it, believe that they live in a dangerous world and they have to survive, by faking life, forge sensitive feelings for other people in order for them not get abandoned “again” By doing this they don’t learn who they are and find it hard to love themselves for who they are or know what they want. It’s sort of like making a bargain with the devil as long as they don’t get abandoned they will do whatever is required.  The devil in this case becomes a person who they want these appraisals from. The idea of doing the devil’s bargain calls back to Boy meets evil which is an introduction to the wings era where Jhope sings about love being evil. In the song he grows to realise that he has parts of himself that could be deemed as evil. In this case love becomes the devil. “It is about intoxication, encountering evil as you grow up and discover feelings like greed, ambition and lust. Realising parts of you that you know are evil and also being so in love that the rush they give you refuses to give them up, once again. So linked to drugs, being high and how youth is like that.” Yusa4321  wattpad

   And that idea becomes engrained when trying to get to who Jhope and Jimin are in this arc, what they truly are going through, and their storyline. If J hope is meant to be Jimin’s Demian then how can he do that when he doesn’t even know his own self?  Also brings the question does Jimin also have something similar as well if so why does he suffer from this as well. This probably explains why the two of them are chosen to dance solo at the beginning of the wings era concerts as well. We also see that Jimin is blinded struggling to wake up and notice what is going through with the guys. He’s being lied to and feels that struggle each time we see him dance. In reality people who go through co-dependence do not often consciously know that they have made these bargains as well.

So mirror images, with the idea of the co-depence, the false self is created. “The underlying idea is that we learn to have a false self, a mask which we wear to present to the world as a way of protecting our inner self. This can be a healthy false self, like the person who has learned to be “ladylike” at all times and in all circumstances. (She would never say crap, even if she had a mouthful of it. She knows that ladies don’t speak that way.) These people are civil and socially adept and they know what they are doing, because they are behaving in ways that are internally consistent with their sense of self, their true self, even if they are behaving in deliberate ways to accommodate an external reality. These individuals who are operating from the false self that is unhealthy are often very angry and become passive aggressive., they are people that allow you to think you have an understanding and have agreed on things that they never intend to do, additionally, you will not find out that they never intended to do until it is too late. These individuals project their rage into others so their partners are often very angry. Fighting with them is like fighting Jello because there is no core to grapple with. How much of their true self is genuine and how much is a false self they learned to use to become safe with their objects, in this case their mothers.” It is often easier to have this conversation when the object in question has died.

The False Self is an artificial persona that people create very early in life to protect themselves from re-experiencing developmental trauma, shock and stress in close relationships. This False or “public” Self appears polite and well-mannered, and puts on a “show of being real.” Internally, they feel empty, dead or “phoney,” unable to be spontaneous and alive, and to show their True Self in any part of their lives.

This why I have to think that Jimin also suffers from this, he states in his song that he’s caught in lie that feels like a prison, WHY? He’s begging to be saved and released from the lie, but we don’t know what the lie is, and also we see in the love yourself poster Jimin’s poster said he has an issue and feels like he doesn’t deserve to be loved. The question is still Why?

In regarding the idea of the false self-theory, Jimin and J hope are diagnosed by me to be on a different spectrum. In the false self-theory you can be either deflated and co-dependent or inflated and counter-dependent.

 Jimin and the co dependent False self (wanting to get love and please others). 

The co-dependent, deflated False Self is designed to please parents and maintain their conditional love. The counter-dependent inflated is designed to protect children from feeling their unmet dependency needs by maintaining distance between themselves and their parents.  However unfortunately, the True Self which operates from a sense of integrity, personal authenticity and connection to wholeness gets sacrificed in both adaptive processes.

This co-dependent behaviour also keeps people feeling weak and vulnerable, with strong needs to attach to others who seem stronger and more capable.

This could definitely explain why Jimin is always linked to Jhope never separate apart from spring day when he left the train first without anyone. And why they’re both very cute with each other for example Jhope covering him as he sleeps. I think I mentioned before about the idea that the apples Jimin keeps being connected could hint to the type of story he has, it’s linked to Demian when Sinclair is of a young age and is forced to steal apples because he works under an abusive or harsh person Kromer. Due to this idea maybe Jimin lives under an area where his abusive hold could be linked to water, or some kind of torture with water as we see he keeps on being heavily linked to water. Could also be hinting to baptising of sins or rebirth.

 By maintaining a distance of subject of the feelings, thinking he’s unlovable and doesn’t deserve love it could be hinted that if he was in a love triangle he would keep doing the same thing and maybe lie in order for Jhope or the girl to be happy.

  J hope and The Counter dependent False Self

The inflated counter-dependent False Self helps children block feelings of shame about being loved conditionally and from falling into states of developmental shock and trauma related to experiences involving abandonment and abuse. Those who use this defense typically act strong and capable, even though they do not feel that way inside.

Unfortunately children’s adaptation to their parents needs for them to adapt to lack of emotionally availability also forces them to abandon their inner urge to develop a separate True Self.

These “cosmic two-by-four” events not only shatter the defense system, they often trigger the very early and very dissociated memories that initially caused the individual to build an inflated counter dependent False Self. These wake-up calls shatter the False Self and drop the person into the Black Hole, a place where people feel shattered, alone.

So what we keep seeing each time J hope is remembering his mum are times where his false self is being shattered and he’s struggling to love himself. J hope is oblivious to Jimin’s maybe feelings for the girl and oblivious to what’s occurring around him. In the music videos of INU and HYYH we see him always being asleep and being woken up. And we see him take pills and look at the mirror darkly. In reality J hope won’t be able to love himself until the false self is shattered, he also can’t be a Demian figure to Jimin though they mirror each other because he is not ready for that. That reminds me of a character in Demian Knau who tries to commit suicide, Sinclair is the person he’s trying to get as his role model/ Demian figure but Sinclair isn’t ready to cope with that and gets annoyed easily and leaves Knau in the dust with him feeling lonely and left alone.

Is J hope then representing the Sinclair of that arc of Demian? Is Jimin then representing Knau? In my opinion this could actually make sense, I also think this is also represented by Rap Monster and V whose roles I will go into next time.

[nardaviel]

after the fire: an analysis of kinshirou with borderline personality disorder

The headcanon that Kinshirou has Borderine Personality Disorder has been going around for a while, often with little explanation to follow it. This is probably partly my fault, since I’m one of the first people who voiced it, back near the end of season 1. So it’s time for a post explaining the reasoning for my headcanon that Kinshirou is heavily coded as BPD, and the reasons why this headcanon is so close to my heart, even compared to my other slightly self-inserty mental illness headcanons about my faves.

First off, a disclaimer: I’m far from an expert in the field. I’m not totally ignorant either, I don’t think? I’ve been diagnosed with BPD by a psychologist and done a fair amount of reading about abnormal psychology, as well as taken a class, not about BPD, but about a different personality disorder. Still, that doesn’t take the place of a degree in medicine or psychology.

People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement. —Marsha Linehan

To start out with, let’s define Borderline Personality Disorder.

...is how I’d like to begin this post, but it’s hard to do. BPD can be a nebulous disorder, and it has a lot of overlap with other mental illnesses, most notably PTSD. As well, it has a history of being poorly understood and stigmatized, even within the healthcare field. Calling a patient “borderline” in conversations between those in the field often really means “uncooperative patient I don’t like to work with”. Outside the field, it gets real bad, real fast. I myself have been shocked by an otherwise wonderful loved one spilling anti-BPD vitriol to my face after hearing my diagnosis. It’s to the point where there’s some confusion with diagnosis; difficult non-borderline patients are diagnosed as borderline when the psychologist is at their wits’ end, but conversely, people who have the disorder are often not formally diagnosed in order to avoid having that stain on their medical record.

I’m telling you all this because the concept of stigma will become important again much later in the analysis. Remember it.

Even if it’s hard to define BPD, we have to start somewhere. Since there’s nothing better that’s easily available to us, we’ll just go with the DSM-5.

Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

A pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

As well as the diagnostic criteria from the DSM, I should note that factors that are thought to lead to BPD include genetics, brain abnormalities, and childhood abuse or neglect.

Now that that’s done, we can start talking about Kin-chan, which is what you were really here for all along. I’ll just say up front that I don’t believe Kinshirou shows signs of all nine symptoms, but that’s okay. He doesn’t need to.

“Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment” can be generalized here to overwhelming abandonment fear, a key facet of BPD. It interacts unpleasantly with the black-and-white thinking mentioned in criterion 2, also known as splitting, and the extreme emotions in criterion 6. The effect of all those symptoms mixed together is that a slight rejection, real or imagined, is seen as the final, inarguable abandonment, the borderline’s worst fear but one that they knew would inevitably become real. The despair, anger, and sense of betrayal overwhelm the borderline. Idealization turns to devaluation; in other words, the loved one that they idolized and saw, perhaps, as unrealistically perfect is now perceived as a shameless traitor, the worst person to have ever lived. I’m not exaggerating.

From the outside, this might look like, for example, your friend refusing to talk to you for years because you got food with someone else, and in doing so, broke the solemn oath of eternal friendship that you didn’t actually make. It’s a bizarre experience. People can be forgiven for being taken aback.

So that’s what happens to Kinshirou. Atsushi doesn’t even intend to slight him, but he sees the curry incident as a total abandonment. He must, in order to think it amounts to breaking their oath.

His devaluation wavers a little in season 1, episode 7, when Atsushi offers him a hand while he’s lost and disoriented. But when En speaks up, it flares back, as strong as ever. Then, at the end of season 1, when Atsushi makes it clear that he still wants Kinshirou’s friendship, you can almost see the switch flipping back to idealization. Kinshirou yells at him, sure, but it’s more along the lines of, “Why are you so kind? Why weren’t you meaner to me, like I deserve?” Self-loathing is another common element of BPD, by the way. It’s a possible manifestation of the unstable sense of self-image.

You can also check out Kinshirou’s reaction when he thinks Atsushi hasn’t showed up at the airport. Could he be late? Could it be that he was delayed by something? It doesn’t matter. The meaning of Atsushi’s new promise is enough to make the scene poignant even without the BPD diagnosis; Kinshirou has trusted Atsushi to keep the promise, even though his faith was broken before, and as far as he can tell, Atsushi has failed again.

But he looks for all the world like he’s starting to believe that he was wrong, and Atsushi didn’t bother to come because he doesn’t care about Kinshirou and never did, and Kinshirou should just give up on all this friendship stuff he’s been trying to learn, &c. He has literal tears in his eyes when he sees Atsushi outside his window. Again, that’s in line with the emotional extremes and reactivity described in criterion 6. In general, Kinshirou tries to seem very stiff and composed, but at this point I don’t think any of us are fooled. He has a lot of feelings.

So that’s criteria 1, 2, and 6. Three of five, and probably the most obvious ones.

On a more subtle level, there are elements of Kinshirou’s personality that shift, either abruptly or gradually, in response to major events. Criteria 3 and 7 are intertwined in much the same way as the three others I just discussed. A borderline often feels empty, as if they have no personality of their own. In response, they latch on to whoever they’re around and take on those people’s characteristics. They therefore seem to others to have a flighty or insincere personality, when on the inside, all the different, contradictory selves are genuine at the time.

So, Kinshirou. In the ep4 flashback and in the beginning of the ep11 one, he seems sweet enough. He’s anxious and a little clingy (again, abandonment fear), as shown by his wish and way he just wilts when Atsushi says he’s not coming over. Also, the way he watches Atsushi from behind a post, and the fact that Atsushi didn’t even feel like he could say where he was going. Why not? How did he think Kinshirou would react?

He’s the follower in their friendship, not the leader. We can infer that Atsushi is the one who took them out to see the stars, since Atsushi is the one who says, “Meteor showers are cool, huh?” as if to say, I told you this would be fun! Kinshirou tells Atsushi his wish is childish, which is itself a subtle sign of anxiety when it comes from a tiny child. But even though he doesn’t think there’s a point to wishing on stars, he does it when Atsushi does. He molds himself around Atsushi’s action, discarding his previous idea in favor of being like Atsushi.

All that vanishes when he decides Atsushi has abandoned him. Atsushi was his favorite person, or FP, an important concept in BPD. The FP can be a friend, a romantic partner, whoever. They receive the greatest part of the borderline’s devotion and affection, which are considerable, but they also bear the brunt of the borderline’s instability and abandonment fear. And to all appearances, Kinshirou only had one friend. There’s nowhere for him to turn, no new person to latch on to. He’s completely alone, with no one to fill the emptiness he saw inside himself.

At the end of the episode 11 flashback, Kinshirou radiates fury. But more than that, there’s a contempt to the noise he makes when he turns away from Atsushi that seems out of place for the Kinshirou just a day ago, before their split. Within that one day, he’s started to collapse in on himself and become the boy we meet at the start of season 1.

And that boy has his own issues with identity. For a person with such a high regard for his own sense of morals, Kinshirou is shockingly morally flexible. It’s always important to note that while we know that the student council’s plot is laughable, they believe in it. We know that the monsters will be defeated in the end, and that in any case they’re sort of silly. And now that season 1 is over, we know that the whole thing is a charade anyway. But each time Kinshirou makes a monster, he hopes that this one will be able to defeat the Battle Lovers and...

...and do what? Destroy the world? Bring order to it? How? Their plan is incoherent, and seems to rely largely on Zundar’s ability to goad Kinshirou into cruelty. And that’s a lot easier than it should be, until you consider that Zundar plays an important role in Kinshirou’s emotional life for a while. He listens to Kinshirou and validates him, and is probably the closest thing he’s allowed himself to have to a new FP; it seems that he can’t bring himself to trust the student council with overt friendship in season 1.

But despite Zundar’s encouragement, when Kinshirou first begins to act as Aurite, he needs Zundar’s explicit instructions, and he seems a little uncertain of himself. The uncertainty fades over time, and he becomes able to discern promising victims on his own. By the end of the series, he wears a cruel smile as he watches Rui run by or turns Uriya into a monster. He doesn’t grow as a character through most of season 1; instead, until episode 11, his arc is one of rapid moral decline.

When he finds out that Zundar has been lying to him the whole time, he doesn’t fly into a rage, as many of us expected. He refuses Zundar’s order with admirable composure, but there’s a hollowness in it, as well. And then he just stands there, empty. But then! His FP crashes back into his life, and he becomes a blushy, awkward tsundere.

That is an oversimplification. He still has a lot of issues, and he needs to work hard to change his negative patterns of thought and behavior. It’s a process that’ll continue past the end of the series. But, like I said earlier when I discussed splitting, it’s incredible how quickly much of it happens. With Atsushi back in his life to anchor him again, his personality undergoes another rapid change.

That’s 3 and 7 down. With 1, 2, 3, 6, and 7, we’ve hit our requisite 5 criteria, all of which are some of the strongest indicators of BPD.

So let’s talk about 8. Let’s talk about Kinshirou’s temper. On the whole, he controls himself, although sometimes it looks painfully difficult. You don’t see the frequent flare-ups of destructive temper that people usually associate with BPD. Instead, "constant anger” might be the closest descriptor. Kinshirou is an irritable person, particularly in season 1.

But then, of course, there’s Dark Aurite. I still think it’s up for debate how much control he had over his actions as Dark Aurite; he seems a lot like a sort of semi-monster to me. But that’s a topic for a different post. My point is that that entire scene is an example of destructive temper. He transforms into Aurite in a fit of anger, probably in order to intimidate, and then blows up Atsushi’s curry because Atsushi says the wrong thing. In the most generous interpretation, one where he has limited control over himself as Dark Aurite, he still chooses to become Dark Aurite, presumably knowing that it’ll grant him increased power to attack Atsushi. And in interpretations where there’s no alien technology affecting his mind, the entire battle is one long example of destructive temper.

Impulsivity for criterion 4 is a tough one, because he keeps such a tight rein on himself. That’s the opposite of impulsivity, really. But there’s a glaring example that has to be mentioned anyway: He goes around the world to Japan in about fifteen minutes because Atsushi didn’t answer a text message. That’s one area, then: impulsivity in his role as Aurite, which at one time was a source of comfort to him. Impulsivity in borderlines is typically just poor attempts at self-soothing. It probably helps Kinshirou to feel like he’s powerful and can control things that frighten him, such as Atsushi’s impending death.

Incidentally, that’s also another example of splitting, and, in a way, brutally suppressed fear of abandonment. It can’t be that Atsushi just lost his phone, no. Kinshirou is trying his very best to trust Atsushi, but true trust (or perhaps just reasonable, nuanced thinking, free of a borderline’s extremes) would take into account the possibility that Atsushi left his phone at school, or is in the middle of a tense conversation but will get back to Kinshirou as soon as he can, or whatever else might be the case. But in Kinshirou’s mind, Atsushi definitely won’t betray their friendship now, which means answering Kinshirou’s fake-casual texts unless his very life is in danger.

In the end, I’m not sure there’s enough evidence to say he qualifies as impulsive by borderline standards, but it’s worth noting that he can have tendencies in that direction.

Now I’m going to take just a second to cross off the criteria that I don’t see in Kinshirou.

It’s entirely possible to headcanon suicidal ideation or even self-harm in Kinshirou. I have some sympathy for that headcanon myself. But in this post, I’m talking about canon Kinshirou, and there’s no canon evidence to suggest anything listed in criterion 5. Nor is there any sign of transient psychosis or dissociation, as in criterion 9. There is that time he stands there, frozen, up on the roof at the end of season 1, but he snaps out of it pretty quickly when he’s in danger, so it doesn’t read as dissociation to me.

So if BPD is so strongly linked to childhood trauma, why would Kinshirou have it?

Well, he could have a genetic predisposition, you know. If you have that, sometimes it doesn’t take much extra prodding. But honestly, this is where it gets into headcanon territory. I can explain how he fits the diagnosis, but as for the causes, there’s not much to say one way or the other. The only hint we have is in chapter 9 of the seifukubu manga, where he and Arima seem to connect. Arima, certainly, is miserable and lonely, and there are worried little creases under his eyes that Kinshirou shares (and that Atsushi notably does not). So does that mean Kinshirou faced a childhood of abuse or neglect? No. Not necessarily. It’s not nearly enough evidence that we can decisively say anything like that. I have my own opinion, but I can’t support my BPD headcanon by just citing another headcanon. So it doesn’t really matter what I think.

Okay, that’s fine, Libby. But why does it matter so much to you?

Remember that stigma I was talking about?

Here is Wikipedia’s list of BPD examples in fiction.

Common cultural tropes associated with borderline personality include the “crazy ex-girlfriend,” “crazy mother,” and pretty much every “crazy woman” stereotype out there. ( x )

Look at all these tropes about love, rejection, and “craziness”. Look at the tone they generally take towards the woman in question—because let’s be real, it’s usually a woman. No one wants to be thought of that way, and yet those stereotypes all echo BPD, or popular perceptions of it. Borderlines see ourselves in these tropes and these stories of unhinged, typically irredeemable characters.

The second segment of this video discusses the inescapable “crazy ex-girlfriend” trope, and mentions the way studio audiences changed the ending of Fatal Attraction because they disliked an ending that was more sympathetic to Alex. Society is actively hostile towards sympathetic portrayals of the crazy ex-girlfriend. Maybe that’s why our representation is so bad.

The segment also features this quote: "There are no male equivalents [to this trope], are there? Can you think of a single film where a man would behave in such a way?" There are probably some examples, but generally, it's a trope for women, the same way BPD diagnoses are skewed along gendered lines for various unfortunate reasons that you can read about at length elsewhere. All I want to say about them here is that it’s lovely that Boueibu included a character who fits the crazy ex trope so well. It’s genuinely heartwarming to me to see representation for BPD men, especially those who present more the way people expect BPD women to act.

But the real reason I love this headcanon so much has more to do with the treatment and the fate of borderline-coded characters. Our representation in media is more or less what you’d expect, if you’ve read those links about how people see us. That is to say, it’s about as bad as it gets. Even when the character isn’t intended by the writers to have BPD—as I’m sure Kinshirou himself is not—the borderline coding shines through in the general crazy ex-girlfriend stereotype and its various relatives. Irrational, prone to taking things out of context or far out of proportion, often hysterical, sometimes dangerous... oh, and, without much actual personality. The role of the borderline-coded character isn’t to be a person. It’s to lose resoundingly, so that the real characters and the real people consuming the media can feel pleased and satisfied. 

Kinshirou fits the borderline-coded crazy ex trope, but he isn’t like that. He’s humanized, not dehumanized. He’s a person, with his own wants and hobbies and favorite foods, and a past trauma that we get to see and understand, even if it seems weird to a lot of us. He has friends, people who love him. Atsushi loves him, even though he’s been awful to Atsushi. Atsushi is willing to forgive him and give him another chance. And when Kinshirou finally gets that through his skull, he gets up off the ground and declares that he’s going to do better.

And then he does. He does start to do better. He’s capable of it. And even though it’s awkward and it doesn’t happen all at once, he’s accepted as he is, while he’s still a work in progress.

That’s so, so, so rare. I don’t want to say it’s never happened before, because there’s nothing new under the sun and so on, but I’d certainly never encountered anything like it before the end of season 1. Nuanced, ultimately positive borderline representation in a character I already loved, from a show I already adored. It’s probably the best thing Boueibu has given me, beating out such contenders as my first-ever period of normal mental health function. It's that important to me.

(And yes, by the way, I'm aware that there are stories out there about borderlines, written by borderlines. I think that they're valuable. But it means more to me when it comes from people who aren't actively trying to write about sympathetic borderlines, and the story probably reaches more people as well.)

On a less maudlin note, it’s important to everyone, the same way all representation is important. It gives borderlines hope, even if they aren’t consciously thinking in terms of representation or seeing themselves in the media they consume. It shifts non-borderlines’ perception of people who act like Kinshirou, hopefully in a positive direction.

That’s it for this post! Thanks to @vashtijoy for all her help, and thank you for reading this enormous wall of text, wow.

[galimatios]

alister/alice/astrid/who the fuck are you revamp notes + new oc elias

actually it makes canonical sense if i made this oc as mary sueish as possible. i get to give them a ridiculously pretty and unrealistic name and wild tf out im excited. fuck it ill give them a sibling bc i want More

I THINK I CAN ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GIVE THIS CHARACTER DEPTH BEYOND BEING AN EDGY FUCK AND IM A LITTLE SHOOK BC OH NO i want to play with this idea of being put onto such a pedestal that it completely dehumanizes you... like youre being revered as superior but you... are still human and its still fucked up and unhealthy. you're loved for what you represent, not who you actually are its to the point where you no longer have a sense of self outside the function/role you've been assigned and once you lose that everything youve known comes falling apart breathes and i want to give them an older sib who received the same treatment but ran away sibling is high achievement, went to a prestigious school, had to fight his ass off to get away from family and works really hard bc if he does badly it jeopardizes his independence and he doesnt want to go back at all costs. he'd rather be homeless than at home he does very well in all things but its out of a drive to be completely independent of his family and he throws himself into his work and studies as a coping mechanism... very good at keeping up appearances but occasionally says some odd/alarming things hes still in the process of kind of figuring himself out and coming to terms w his situation? healing and such. he remembers the sibling he left behind and there is. a lot of regret there. but what can he do? he thought he was gonna die if he didnt get out asap meanwhile younger sib at home is just. a loose screw completely under the influence of their family. they do eventually end up leaving due to some.. kind of circumstance i think? but by then so much damage has already been done what if i just gave everyone in this e names just because idk im feeling like. names that start with vowels fsr i wanna name the boy elias bc it is. prety the younger sib maybe edelweiss originally but theres been a namechange at least once. MAYBE. or maybe an a or i name? hm i have to develop a ton of lore fuck. and research into some things to flesh this out but i have Fuckin. ideas. AND NOW IVE JUST REALIZED I CAN MERGE AN INCOMPLETE OC CONCEPT WITH THIS ONE. MY FIRST... EVER... OC.... FINALLY GETS A TRUE REVAMP after age 21+ , alister's aes is like tattoos everywhere. dyed hair. painted nails, makeup that looks. somehow. kind of esoteric. smokes heavily, drug addict, alcoholic, just Sincerely fucked. wildly incoherent fashion, looks like louis vuitton one day and goodwill the next genderfluid also, goes by alice as much as they go by Alister, volatile and erratic, people get the sense theyre always on the edge of something but dont know what it is existing is a constant battle of trying to dissociate away from having any real coherent thought i think the only time they have a respite is when theyre asleep elias feels horrible. he meets up with alister years and years later and realizes they're fucked beyond belief, and it was His Fault. they actively blame him for it. in other settings id probably give them a different name tho... not relevant rn but maybe sth with an i either way theyre super self destructive in every possible way and elias is trying to hold on for dear life getting them help ezra's presence complicates things bc theyre also ... both a victim and participant in old family's cult bullshit and ezra still perpetuates some of that toxicity even tho they largely do Nothing now its like just being there feeds into alisters false ego together its Pretty Bad bc they feed off eachother unhealthily and elias really wants to intervene but hes also dealing w his own shit and he isnt sure what to do. he needs a support system is what it is... INTRODUCES HIM TO OTHER OCS.... oh fuck found family

ELIAS... high achieving pretty boy but hes in this friendgroup of ppl who are wildly different ... he learns so Much from being around them though? i want him to have a convo with rosetta about her family.. underprivileged but deeply loving, and elias is like... oh that's how family should be. LAYS DOWN AND THINKS ABOUT SUPPORT FROM THESE PPL FROM DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE PUTTING THIS abnormal abusive shit into context and elias REALIZES so much from his friends. he. he has friends! dont think elias is that soft tho. i feel like he has some anger issues, occasionally sth will cause him to .. not necessarily lash out but the Danger in his eyes appear and basically you dont fuck w him. hes very determined. before friendgroup, absolute loner really competitive like his life depended on it, worked himself to the bone bc he needed an identity outside what the family assigned him and he shaped himself around his accomplishments which isnt healthy either but its what he did hes like this up until a few yrs after getting his masters degree in... something. its only when hes forced to socialize more for Being An Adult In Society and Not In College Reasons. then he meets a bunch of dropouts and post-grad ppl during some function?