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aperrywilliams · 2 years ago

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Pandora's Box II (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Author Masterlist / Author Taglist / Part I

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader doesn't know what to think after the kiss between Spencer and Cat. Insecurities about their marriage surface in both Reader and Spencer. How severe will the consequences of what Cat did be?

Word Count: 4.1k

Warnings: Most of Spencer's traumas are only mentioned (Hankel, Dilaudid, Diana's illness, etc.). Angst and a lot of inner thoughts (I mean it: a lot). But not despair, my friends, happy ending.

A/N: Hello! Here is part two of Pandora's Box. Thanks a lot for all your comments, likes, and reblogs on part I.

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Spencer's POV

Cat did it again. No. Scratch that. I did it again.

I'm still seeing her eyes full of betrayal. God, how did I let this happen? How I was not able to think of something else to do. I'm so stupid!

I thought about running after her to stop her and convince her to go home with me. But I know (Y/N), and it would have been worse to insist when it was clear that she was shocked and hurt.

That leads me to now be in our shared bed, staring at the ceiling as I sink into my own mortification. Emily and JJ called me several times during the night, but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just texted them that (Y/N) was fine, but I screwed it up, and she hated me now. I don't know why I thought that would stop the calls. It was the opposite, but I decided to ignore my phone from there. I knew that (Y/N) would not call or text me either. Besides her getting rid of her cell phone, I was the last person she wanted to talk to.

How do I fix this?

The more I thought about it, the more complicated it became. We were not only talking about me kissing Cat Adams. It was more than that. And even if (Y/N) didn't go further saying how bad she was feeling, she slipped a hint. And it hurt. It hurt to know I was hurting her. Maybe Cat was right. I was not made to have a normal life and be loved like that. Perhaps I didn't deserve her.

Spencer, stop it! Don't fall into Cat's game. She wanted this to happen. She wanted to ruin your marriage, I repeated myself.

The funny thing is maybe I ruined it first.

Tossing and turning, I couldn't find a way to fall asleep. That brought me to the months I spent in jail when I barely slept an hour in a row. Endless nights were I missed (Y/N) 's body next to me. Nights where I swore to myself that if I made it out of there, I wouldn't waste another minute without making her my wife. So I did it. The very day I was released from Milburn, I got down on one knee and proposed to her. No ring involved, just a promise to spend the rest of my life with her, loving her and raising a family.

Two years since that, and now I think about the things I promised and what I have fulfilled. I feel terrible realizing that I have failed her.

Tiredness got me at some point, but my brain didn't stop working. I dream about (Y/N). It was a sweet dream that turned into a nightmare when she told me it was over. That ours was over.

I woke up sweating and screaming.

I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let my incompetence makes me lose the best thing that had happened to me in life.

After showering and getting dressed early in the morning, I went to our habitual coffee shop and bought her favorite coffee and donut. I stopped by her dad's and left a bag with the treats and a note. A tiny gesture compared to the mess I had made, but I needed to tell her I was there even if she didn't want to see me.

Reader's POV

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't.

After explaining the previous day's chaos to my dad - partially though, because I didn't want to give in to the embarrassing details - he let me stay in my old bedroom.

Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Spencer kissing that psycho over and over again.

I could see how his hands held her head, his eyes closed, lost in the sensation. Their lips moving in unison. His body pressed against hers.

Has he ever kissed me like that? Yes. He has. That is precisely the way I liked to be kissed.

When we started dating, Spencer was so shy at first, but he freed all the passion within him over time. I always wished to be the only one to see and feel him like that. And I really thought I would be the only one with that privilege. It seems I was wrong.

Why does it hurt so much? I mean, Spencer wouldn't do that to me, much less with that crazy bitch, right? I could bet he did not even want to do it.

Maybe it's the fact that there's a fucking Jiminy Cricket in my ear telling me things between Spencer and I aren't going well, and this shit is another proof that there will always be something interfering between us.

It terrifies me to think this could lead to the end of us, but I can't deny the idea has been on my mind for a while. It's true that we have never talked about it. It's true I have tried to deny that Spencer's absence affects me more than I let on. Has he noticed anyway? I'm afraid to know.

The next morning when I got to the kitchen, I saw my dad making coffee. Over the counter was a paper bag with my name written on it. It's Spencer's. I would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

"You don't have to open it," my dad told me, sensing the internal debate in my head. "I just brought it inside so you can decide if you want to do it or not."

It wasn't the only decision I needed to make, though.

Curiosity got the best of me. Inside the bag was my favorite coffee and donut. Of course Spencer knew it. Tucked in the coffee cup holder was a note.

'My love. Don't think this is me hoping that with just a coffee and a donut, you would forgive me. It is just a way to tell you I'm thinking of you. We have so much to talk about, but I won't push you to do it until you're ready. Please, only remember that I'm here, and I love you. Always yours, SR.'

Tears clouded my vision. I love him. That's not in discussion. But to be with someone is more than to feel love. It's about giving and receiving. It's about comprehending and being comprehended. It's partnership and complicity, things that have been away from us for a while. I will not blame Spencer for that because I have much to do with it. I should have said something. Is it too late now?

I took the lid off and sipped the coffee. I was thinking of him too.

Spencer's POV

Three days. The longest days of my life. Am I overstating? I don't think so. Because even if we had been apart for longer than three days, these circumstances made it worse.

The anxiety was killing me. Those days I went to work by inertia, unable to concentrate or be useful in any way. It was hard not to go over the last few months in my head. The signs, the unsaid things. The looks of disappointment when at any moment, the phone rang, and I had to leave.

Prentiss caught me deep in thought that afternoon.

"You okay?"

"Uh - yeah. I just got distracted. Sorry," I apologized. Emily shook her head and sat beside me.

"We both know it is more than that. Do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed, leaning back in the chair. I had the question on the tip of my tongue.

"Do you think fifteen years is a long time?"

Emily raised an eyebrow, trying to decipher the question's implication, but I knew she understood why I was asking.

"Well, I guess it depends on what you compare to," she ventured with a reassuring smile.

"I mean, doing this job. I had spent my whole adult life in the BAU. And don't get me wrong, I love my job-" I trailed off.

"But?"

"I love (Y/N) too, and I'm not good enough conciliating this job with my marriage. I can't make it work as JJ does," I confessed.

"If it is the case, having some time off should work to return some balance, but something tells me it's not the biggest problem," Emily asserted. Of course she did. She knew me better: it was more than the lack of time.

I chuckled bitterly.

"We have been only married for two years, and I feel I have failed her too much already. I mean, I was the one who said I needed to slow down after everything that had happened in Milburn. (Y/N) has been by my side in so many hard times. She was the first one I told about my addiction. She was there after the Anthrax episode. She took care of me when I got shot in Texas. I ran to her when they told me about my mom's Alzheimer's. Then jail happened. What else would she have to put up with? JJ's confession and being kidnapped by a cult. And now Cat again? Fuck, she saw me kissing her! The same woman who framed me for murder. How twisted is it?"

"She loves you too much," Emily pointed, trying to get me out of my rabbit hole.

"And I love her, but I always find a way to show otherwise, uh?" I mocked myself. I really felt like I was screwing up over and over.

"Spencer, none of those things have been your fault."

And maybe Prentiss was right. That didn't exempt me from my blindness, though.

"But it's been enough to have done something about it. Emily, I couldn't bear to lose her."

I could feel the lump forming in my throat.

"Spencer, she knows you love her. She married you for who you are. You just told me she has been with you in the toughest moments. You won't lose her."

How can she be so sure? I knew things never last long. I have seen people leaving me before.

"You know? It breaks my heart when I have to leave every time. (Y/N) always says she understands my job and never has demanded something from me. Still, I know she worries as hell every time I'm in the field, and I know there have been moments when she needed me, and I couldn't be there for her. I'm her husband! I promised to be there for her! Having more time could help, yeah, but I'm tired of this rhythm. I'm tired of being on the tightrope. I'm tired of the Tobias Hankels, the Cat Adams, the Mr. Scratchs-"

I had to stop my rant because I got out of breath.

"Well, if this is the matter, I think fifteen years is a long time then," Emily told me with a knowing look, patting my shoulder.

As a cue, my phone got a text: 'Are you in town? Can we talk?'

Reader's POV

Not two minutes had passed since I sent the text, and Spencer had answered, asking me when and where we would meet.

I figured it would be a complicated conversation, so I suggested it be in our apartment after work that day.

It's not like I wanted to torture Spencer for three days before to talk to him, but the events with Cat triggered a series of thoughts I didn't want to admit before. And the truth is, I wasn't sure how to deal with this. In fact, standing in front of the door and about to open it, I'm still not entirely sure what to say, just sure we can't keep putting this conversation off.

"Hi," Spencer said when he saw me. He was still in his work attire; only the tie was missing.

I returned a tight-lipped smile, stepping into the apartment.

I turned after closing the door, and Spencer just stood there, fidgeting with his hands. He was nervous, and so did I.

"Coffee?" He offered. I shook my head.

"No, thank you."

"O-okay," he mumbled, moving to the living room and gesturing to the couch for us to sit on.

Now we were both seated, maintaining a safer distance between us. Someone needed to break the silence. Spencer cleared his throat before speaking.

"About the kiss, (Y/N), I'm so sorry-" I cut him off.

"Spencer, not that yet. You need to start telling me what happened. It still confuses me how we ended in your old apartment with Cat Adams there."

Spencer nodded and recalled the events of that day: since the moment Penelope called him when we were at the coffee shop to him and Cat at the threshold, kissing.

After hearing the whole story, I couldn't understand how someone could set up something so elaborate to annoy someone else. Well, I don't know why I should be surprised; we were talking about Cat Adams, after all.

"Okay. So you thought a family and I were in danger. And she demanded a kiss. And you thought that would help," I filled. Spencer sighed, looking at his hands on his lap.

"Honestly? I didn't think anything. I felt trapped and knew I had no leverage on her. The opposite, actually. She was in control. I let her have me at her mercy," he confessed.

Spencer at Cat's mercy. Well, it wasn't the first time.

"You didn't seem troubled kissing her," I said bitterly. "I know it sounds childish, but you haven't kissed me like that in what? Months? It felt like I was nothing in your life, Spencer. It was like I didn't even exist and was watching a movie."

My voice cracked a bit while saying those words. Even imagining that I might not exist to Spencer made my stomach churn. It was worse to think I had already been losing him for a while or that perhaps he was never mine.

"(Y/N), that's not true. I -" Spencer tried to rebut quickly. I could feel the guilt in him.

"Spencer, it's okay. I can understand you were under pressure. But it was the way I felt. What would you think if your wife made out with the person who made her life a living hell for a long time?" It was a rhetorical question, though, because I would never do that to him.

"I know. And you might not believe me, but I was thinking of you. You were in my mind at that moment. Cat told me to do it as if she were you," he acknowledged. That didn't make me feel better. I let him know that.

"And you complied. That's the thing, Spencer. It's not the kiss itself; it's the fact you did what she told you. Again."

Spencer averted his gaze from me. He was embarrassed, and I hated being responsible for doing that, but he needed to know. I was done keeping things to myself.

"That makes me realize you're still caught up in her twisted game. Cat will never stop tormenting you, and I don't know what else I can do to help you. And it hurts me because I feel I'm not enough, Spencer. I'm not enough to really be by your side and be who you need."

Treacherous tears began to run down my cheeks. That was the admission I didn't want to reveal. After all these years, I thought, at some point, I could be in tune with Spencer's life. That's why I never said anything. I yet harbored the hope of living up to his expectations all this time.

"Don't say that! It's not true!" He argued, scooting closer to me on the couch, no longer afraid of proximity. "You are everything and more that I have ever needed and wanted. God. I love you, (Y/N). If anything, it's me who feels not worthy of your love. And I'm sorry, you are the most important person in my life, and I haven't shown you that."

"Then why do I feel then we are falling apart, Spencer? It's me imagining things?"

Spencer shook his head, a tentative hand reaching mine. I doubted for a second, but I welcomed his touch.

"It's my fault you're feeling this way. Believe me; you didn't do anything wrong."

His fingers stroking my hand resembled the way his touch always comforted me. In other circumstances, I would have believed nothing had changed between us.

"Are you sure? It's like we're becoming a couple of strangers. And I cannot understand if something about me bothers you or if I am simply indifferent to you. You don't trust me the way you used to."

I retracted my hand to protect myself from the pain it would surely follow when Spencer acknowledged I wasn't the person he wanted anymore.

"I know I have been pushing you away, but it's not because I didn't trust you. It's just I have been putting so many of my problems over your shoulders that I didn't want to overwhelm you. I'm sorry for not being honest with you," Spencer said, maintaining eye contact as if he wanted to imprint his apology on me. My lips quivered, and I was doing everything to not cry.

"Spencer, I'm your wife. It is supposed we lean into each other!" I complained. How was it possible he still did not understand he is not a damaged good and deserves understanding and support.

"And you always have been there for me. But what has happened the times that you have needed me? I am away most of the time, which is unfair to you. I'm your husband, and I should have been here."

His voice broke at the end. And it hurt me because that has happened more than once, but I decided not to say anything before.

"Spencer, I knew your job when we married," I reminded him. It was the truth. I knew what I had signed for. Spencer shook his head nevertheless, blinking back tears.

"That doesn't mean I don't do anything about it. I just let it pass. And it was wrong. You were uncomfortable enough to tell me you were worried or disappointed because of my job."

I looked away as I listened to Spencer describe my behavior over the past few months. It was hard to admit that I feared what it would mean to us if we discussed it. It seemed childish, perhaps, but like a scared child, I didn't want to feel vulnerable, saying it affected me.

"But it's what you do. It's your life. You chose to be a profiler, and you save people every day."

That was far more important, wasn't it?

"But I chose you too. And you are part of my life too." Now he had hunched before me, gently placing his hands on my knees. "Do you remember what I told you when I proposed?" He asked, smiling fondly.

Of course I remembered. After living apart for three months because Spencer was in jail, the moment of our reunion was one of the most emotional things I have experienced.

"Besides telling me you loved and wanted to marry me?" I replied - a blush creeping my face at the memory.

"Yeah, that too. I told you I wanted everything with you. I told you I didn't want to spend another minute without you. You make me whole and feel alive (Y/N). That's far more important than catching monsters and consuming my life for them."

Grabbing one of my hands, he brought it to his lips, planting a loving kiss. His gaze never left mine, and I could feel like my heart skipped a bit.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a whisper. He returned a smile, tucking a hair strand behind my ear.

"That I'm done. Fifteen years is more than enough, and if this job continues cracking the good things in my life, I don't want it."

I wondered if I was listening wrong or if my mind was playing tricks on me. I needed clarification.

"What? Are you saying-" Spencer cut me off, nodding his head.

"There are so many things we dreamed of doing together. Do you recall our plan to stay a whole winter in a cabin in the woods? Or the trip to Greece? The idea of moving to the suburbs?"

"Do you still remember all that?" I asked in disbelief. That seemed a lifetime ago. We had so many plans and ideas, but I thought this would only form part of an unfulfilled desire, of our youthful and innocent desire to achieve something different from what we were used to. I often felt those plans were a way of escaping from our daily life full of pain, ghosts, and fears.

"Of course I do! And it's not because I have an eidetic memory. If I didn't, I would remember it anyway because I still want those things. With you."

Stroking my cheek with his palm, Spencer looked at me intensely as he didn't want to miss any of my microexpressions. I felt bare before him, but it didn't feel odd or wrong. If anything, it felt like he was seeing into my heart and soul. I have missed that.

"Spencer, you don't have to. You are a profiler, and you save lives. Your life has been the BAU," I reminded him. I didn't want him to be doing this just because we were in a rough patch and for it to be something he would regret for the rest of his life.

"It has been, but I don't want it to continue to be. It's a job (Y/N). One that has given me a lot of satisfaction but also a lot of pain and has consumed me. I want that to change. I want us to be able to make plans and stick to them. I want that family we talk about so much. Sure, if it's something you still want," he pointed out carefully. My eyes widened.

"You say, kids?" Spencer nodded eagerly.

"Yes. Kids. Little you's and me's running around in our new house. Whom I want to rock to make them sleep, who I want to teach them things, take them to the park, and play with them," Spencer enthusiastically described. It had been a long time since I had seen him that way. I couldn't stop my lips from forming a smile. "Do you still want that?" His excitement changed to the expectation to know my answer.

"Yes, I do," I acknowledged, my eyes filling with tears at the thought that this could be a reality one day. Spencer beamed.

"Then let's have the rest of our lives like we want them to be," he offered. It was like we were saying our vows, like the day we married.

"Are you sure? Spencer, I don't want you to feel like you have-" Before I could say anything else, Spencer gently placed a finger over my lips.

"Hey. It's been a long time since I was so sure about anything. Baby, I love you. I want us, always. Will you accept this fool man, who is madly in love with you, as your husband again?"

His eyes were full of hope, illuminated by the glow of the lighted lamp in the living room. The man hunched before me was the love of my life. The man I chose to spend the rest of my days with. I could feel the sincerity in his gaze, the transparency of the shared longing that made me fall for him years ago.

"I do," I whispered, leaning down and tenderly cupping his cheeks. "May I kiss the husband?" Spencer chuckled, nodding and leaning forward until our lips met in a passionate kiss. Spencer's hands moved up to hold the back of my head as my arms flew to the back of his neck - our lips molding like they were meant to be. The time stopped, and nothing else mattered. I was there with him, and he was there with me.

That kiss sealed our complicity and love's declaration. A kiss that Cat Adams would never have the privilege of experiencing despite the many Pandora's boxes she tried to open.

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Spencer Reid’s Taglist (some of them don't work): @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @thebloomingeagle @pauline5525mgg @maltamurdock @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @chlochlosworld @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @miaxx03 @leahblackk @missabsey

Pandora's Box Taglist (some of them don't work): @isisjen @marimorena06 @starlightskiss @wittlewowa @ladyofhellhounds @blogs-imagines-fanctionstories @logibearhockey1 @flowersownme @callsignwidow @regulus-black-223048 @l0v3e1i @lovejules888

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid angst #dr. spencer reid #criminal minds #pandora's box #spencer reid fanfics #spencer reid fanfictions

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gallivich · 30 days ago

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16 jan

2025 #3

hai tumblr lucky number 3 (or maybe thats 7 BUT ILL GET BACK TO U ON DAY 7)!!! School decent now im out the shower with my fingernails about to fuckign fall off ok.

Omg whats so fucking crazy is the dsmp drama atm wdym back in like 2020 i was watvhing them all be friends laughing together and now THIS is happebing. Likeee what. Im so fucking full up coz i ate a small meal like 5 hours but i ksut want mozzarella sticks SO BADwell. Technically called halloumi fries but taht just sounds gross af . Anyway. School. These fuckass boys keep saying i have a big nose LIKE I DONT ALREADY FUCJING KNOW but its so embarrasing coz theyll say it and no one even notices them like ur looking a little desperate. But like its kinda my first experience ever with first hand bullying and im js thinking like this is no fun at all tbh. I JUST FEEL SO LONELY ALL THE TIME IM ACTUALLY DONE lowkey consider offing myself often solely because of my lack of friends. Like thats js not thr wwy to live is it. But then it all goes away whn im back at school so im just waitng. OOHHHBFUCK NO ITS FRIDAY!!! i just like wednesdays and thursdays NO GEOGRAPHY!!!!! I fucking hate geographys nd im terrified of my fucking bitchass geography tracher god shes so fuckijg rude. Okmore about my day:::

In drama my ljke bff (in myclass afleast) didnt wanna talk to me or snyrhjng and i was just ljek. Oh. Even tho we're the closest to eachtoehr in the class and i jsut dont see why not so i ahd to pair with people who are like bffs w eschtojer and i jsut so wasnt feleing it. And then the meanest girl in my class was crying all day and im jsjt sorta like ca n someone get. Her emotional support like it ruins the vibe so bsd. Had a maths test and couldnt answer a single question and lunch was awkward af but i saw my crush alot so idm so mich AND LIKE NOW THAT I LOOK BACK ON THE DAY LJTERALLT NOTJING HAPPENED

Then i went to chemist and boight mabelline like magic stick or whatever tf they call it but it was lokwey in thr weong shade and makes me look like a ghost BUT I THINK I CAN MAKE IT WOrk. Im not wasting 10 fuckign quid no way like that shits expensive AND AFTER MONTHHSS OF WANTING I FOIND BURTS BEES POMEGRANATE LIPBALM. Lowkey shit doesnteven smell very good or tint lips and it made stupid alarm go off snd it scared me so bad what if they think i stole it and thry track me down. Abyway! Im just so out of it today bothing good happened nad im bored and im not excited tor tomorrow but im kinda excited actually because i can yap to friend in biologyfor 2 periods straight and theres a lockdown happening mid geography SO LIKE BASICALLY NO GEOGRAPHY IF U THINK HARD ENOUGH ABOUT IT. I fucking despise geography. YAAAYYY. I feel bad because its almost my dads birthday next friday AND I HAVE NO HFUFKING CLUE WHWY TO GET HIM and my mums lowkey acting psycho af like chronically ill i lowkey in my heart beloeve shes got bipolar like actually no joke i see it in her eyes (joke) but not a joke coz i think she does

The second hand embarrasment when i was scrolling on tiktok with ym friend ya and her "secret" account whereshe posts like intense vents on comes up on my fyp while shes watching LIKE THAS SO EMBARRASING FOR HER ABUT I SCROLELD PASTVSO IT WASNT LIKE A BIGDEAL idk ok i just booked to tommy innit he said give me a goddamn minute i saidbitch pass me the blubt icnalled for the dick not s hfkcjng man hunt!

Today im enjyong mozzarella sticks, glee, sinjin, spice and everything nice, FUCK IDK!!!!!!! Ok idk what to go watch i judt wnana sleep but i haent done ANYTHIGN today so i feelim wasting th eday away

Today im hating being full, my face, homework, smelling bad, anxiety snd everythingelse bad sorry for sad quinn gif theres no normal quinngifs and lwokey mood. Relishing in the fact ive only cried once thebwhole year. Man im winning(not oncluding lowkey tearing up sniffles DOESNT FUCKING COUNT)

lover, you shouldve come over - jeff buckley

#glee #quinn fabray #jeff buckley #digital diary #dear diary #journal #diary #blog #diary entry #mozzarella sticks #school #BORING DAY #im so full #croissant?#lover #oh oh oh lover #OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO LOVER #u shouldve come over.#but its not too late!

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turnin9pag3 · 9 months ago

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sigh.

i think im a james potter kinnie in the most shameful way possible because yes i relate to being social and having lots of friends but more than that i relate to feeling like you’re constantly doing either too much or not enough and people lose interest in me and i feel like shit because what did i fuck up but then i go and loose interest when i know its not that persons fault i just cant help myself but to hate everyone because i hate myself. and like james im too loud all the time so much so that when i finally decide to be quiet i have people shoving their concerns down my throat and i dont know how to appreciate it when all i want is to be left alone. lately ive been feeling like there something misplaced in me because all i want is to spend my last week of school with my friends and be happy and enjoy my time but all i can think about is i dont want to be here and i dont want to be touched and i dont want to see these people because these people keep talking and my head hurts and my eyes hurt and im feeling dizzy and none of this looks real anymore and im not sure what to do with myself anymore. and i would hate to hurt their feelings because its truly not their fault but like i said theres something wrong with me. i think im just a rotten soul and im fucked up in way unknown to most. as james would, i feel judged after everything i say and i feel ridiculed for every decision i make and i feel like they dont want to listen to me at all they just keep me around to have someone for themselves and a part of me knows thats not true but the larger part of me wont let me fully believe that. and i feel like james in the way i dont know how to do anything casually and i love with my entire soul but i hate with my entire soul too and when im in something im fully in. and its such a fault to have because i like people more than people like me all i just end up hurting myself because as much as i tell myself im not i think i still like that one guy from august and my miss my best friend when i cant call her that anymore and the girl ive known since 2nd grade is barley answering my texts and summer is coming i feel like everyone is going to forget about me and what if i forget about everyone and i dont want to be forgotten. and i feel like james because i feel overbearing when i ask to hang out with people and annoying. and i feel like im being made fun of every time i speak and i have to pretend that it doesnt bother me but it does. and im like james because all i want is someone to talk to and thatll listen to me but i know how hard it is to stay attentive when i talk because i talk so much about stuff no one cares about and i try to hide it but it hurts more than id like to admit because everyone cares about what they have to say and i sit and i listen but when i talk they leave the room or change the topic or turn up the music or outright tell me they dont care. joke or not it hurts. like james i spent most of my childhood being told im too loud or too intense or talk too much or too chaotic or too dramatic or talk too fast and like james i think no matter how much confidence i fein in my teen years ill never grow away from the 6 year old girl that everyone called a psycho because she had emotions too big that she didnt know how to deal with yet and they wernt her fault. it wasnt her fault she got her dads anger issues and tendencies to scream or her mothers ability to feel everything twice as strong as she should. and now im 15 and its still not my fault but ive suppressed it so far im not 100% sure how to feel that deeply anymore.

#kinda my own trama dump but ya know what idc #i started rambling #whoops.#harry potter #james potter #the marauders #moony wormtail padfoot and prongs #james & peter & remus & sirius #sirius black #jegulus #regulus black #remus lupin #black brothers

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goldfades · 9 months ago

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Hamster nonnie on the computer get ready. This is a big heavy so buckle up... plz :b

Or I'm soaking your socks in pickle juice, your favorite fucking socks at that >:b.

Touching on a topic I've mentioned in the past; about how The girls are lucky the manager is the way she is.

People who have been on the team with the manager years before, make it a point to tell the freshman to "Be grateful that she's as understanding and empathetic as she is, don't take it for granted." I see the manger as someone who was doing summer training before she officially became the manger, and had some situations to deal with then and very quickly showed that she may be remorseful, but she will not put up with your shit.

I've talked about how the manager want's to be petty soooo fucking bad when the girls hurt her, or piss her off, or whatever; but she can't. She understands. Going back to the manager being an academic weapon I heavily suspect that due to the broken family she came from, she's taken Psychology classes to try and understand why. How does the brain work, why did her dad leave, why is her mom barely present.

She wanted answers so she threw herself into Psychology thinking that that was going to give her what she wanted, but quickly she realized the harsh reality of the actions of the people around her. It wasn't some chemical deficiency, It wasn't an Illness, people just sometimes are like that. This realization really took a tole on her, I feel like us as people have that realizations sometimes that people are just bad people regardless of what mentality they have. There was no excuse.

During this time she also got familiar with co existence within cause and effect:

Yes she is resilient, and she needs a break.

Yes she was sure, and things change.

Yes she forgives that person, and that does not mean acsess.

Yes others have it worse, and your pain is still valid.

Yes she gave it her all, and she needs to back up.

Yes her parent's did all they could, and their choices wounded her.

Yes she can understand the situation, your frustration, your emotions, and that does not mean that it was right to take it out on her.

And I feel like that ^ always sends the girls and even Geno into a loop. Of how understanding she it whilst also standing 10 toes down on that boundary that just because she understands, does not mean it was okay. Being stern yet caring, putting up a border for space because she needs it, but it's soft enough to touch when she's needed.

When any of the girls know they fucked up, while they may be hesitant, and sensing the aura the manger is giving them. They still feel comfortable stepping up and apologizing when they feel ready. She's build this empire of warmth and nurturing covered with fences full of thorns as a reminder of acceptance but stinging realizations.

There's that comfort but also that professional boarder that she also puts up, not to caring and kind to make it seems as though what happened was okay & they're back on good terms, but not cold and stoic enough to make it seem as through they've revived someone who is just their manager and a void of who used to be their friend.

-🐹(sorry not sorry for the angst nehhehhehhehheh)

oh my hod, you’ve done it again nonnie 😮‍💨😮‍💨 this is ABSOLUTE GOLD!!!!

she’s such a psych girly i’m so glad we agree on this because yes!!! she’s such a healthy communicator too bc she knows that if you keep it all in, it’ll blow up in your face HOWEVER she never pushes them to open up until they want to, cause she also knows that isn’t good either

I ALSO LOVE WE CAN GALK AB RHE FUNNIEST SHIT ONE SECOND AND THEN NOW WE’RE PSYCHO-ANALYZING HER ITS SO FUNNY😭😭😭😭😭😭

this entire ask is just chefs kiss 💋

#🐹 nonnie!#uconn wbb manager thoughts 💭

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echo-writes-things · 1 year ago

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Hi I’m angsty anon😛 I recently got back into the saw movies and am now hyperfixating on them after seeing saw x in theaters. Wondering if I could request a fic about the father/daughter relationship between Amanda and John? Wondering if you could write Amanda getting the shit beat out of her like how Eric beat her up and John’s reaction, what he would do, if he would clean her wounds and take care of her, etc.

YES I CAN I LOVE SAW I COULD KISS YOU ANGSTY ANON IVE BEEN SO DESPERATE FOR SAW ASKS

Psycho Family Headcannons:

Let’s be real Amanda gets into fights a lot. Not even on purpose it just follows her wherever she goes

John always patches her up and tries to make it a lesson. That classic old man “we can learn from this” fatherly advice

It’s a ritual every time they run out of bandaids Amanda gets to pick new bandaids (yes she picks princess bandaids not for herself but to make hoffman use them)

John always hates that he can’t step in and stop Amanda’s fights. He’d ask Hoffman to do it but we all know he’s go “no no I wanna see what happens”

One VERY RARE occasion Amanda had to go to Jill for help getting patched up instead of John because he was gone probably for a doctor’s appointment. It was awkward but they both appreciated the experience

John is gone a lot for doctors appointments (cancer check ups usually happen every 3-6 weeks depending on the stage at least that’s what I experienced) each time he comes back he hears Amanda getting into a fight.

Eventually he pulls the “I won’t always be here to fix you..” and she bursts into tears (see what I did there? I referenced Saw III)

One day Amanda got into a real bad fight with a victim, blood everywhere and most of it was her own.

John when full panic. “What happened?! Who did this to you? How are you feeling? Anything broken? Maybe I should take you to the hospital.”

Amanda calmed him down but he still made her sit her gay ass down so he could patch her up.

John may know some stuff about simple first aid but anything past that he’s lost. Stitches? He can barely hold his hand still. But he’ll put some gauze on it and if need be he’ll have Hoffman do it since he’d definitely know more about that sort of thing.

If she’s crying he’s wiping her tears and telling her that it’s all gonna be okay. “I’m here now. Let’s get you cleaned up”

She called him dad once when she was crying from being hurt and he had a wave of emotions. He has mixed feelings being called dad. It was meant to be for his son after all, not this homicidal maniac druggie he picked up off the street. But he lets it slide after a while and eventually gets used to it

Hoffman never makes fun of Amanda while she’s hurt but once she’s cleaned up he bullies her relentlessly

John then has to break up the fight between his two mentally unstable children, “you shouldn’t be fighting each other like this. Honestly you’re both acting like preschoolers”

John isn’t one for “treats”. He’s not gonna give someone a lollipop for not crying during their shot you feel me? So he doesn’t really give Amanda anything after he patches up her wounds. He’ll give her a pat on the back and encouraging words like “you’re strong and you’re smarter than fighting aimlessly like this.”

John is against the whole “Don’t start fights but you can finish them”. He thinks people should just walk away entirely. Silly man doesn’t realize you can’t always walk away, Amanda has tried explaining that but he won’t listen

Amanda is desperate for hugs from John. She never asks for them verbally but he can catch on when she needs one

Despite him practically being bed ridden his hugs are firm as fuck, one of those hugs where you kinda cry a little no matter who you are, just from how nice it feels

Sorry it’s not a fic! I might write an actual fic using these but I’ve had these headcannons held in my brain ever since I saw these tragic mentally ill people. I’ve got so many headcannons and theories please people send in asks for them.

#please I love this tragic found family #they love and hate each other at the same time #all deranged #they hold a special place in my sad little hesrt #horror #saw #saw vi #mark hoffman #amanda young #saw viii #saw x #saw iii #saw ii #saw headcannons #john kramer #jigsaw #jigsaw apprentices #detective hoffman

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theosconfessions · 1 year ago

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ok. i'm caught up on scarlett doing her clout thing. and i gotta know something. does she maybe think that theo mainly came back to them because he wanted to get DUSTIN back and the family was just a package deal? does she maybe think he would never have come back had it not been for dustin? does she look at Theo and see a guy who mainly got his crap together for the sake of the guy he loved, and less for the children he has already admitted he didn't initially want? because then, it might not matter as much to her that dustin loves him and forgives him. because it would have nothing to do with her. she would be the setback to their great love story that they had to overcome.......which is probably why she went overboard in getting this info out. Like a "HA! I KNEW IT! YOU WERE ALWAYS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE!" and obviously she's never forgiven him and doesn't have to, just because Dustin did. Maybe she lowkey looks at Dustin crazy for even letting him back into their lives? Maybe Scarlett has never been able to forgive any of it?...oh god don't let her find out Theo called her the C word. She'd probably try to kill him....YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE STORYTELLER.

OMG! first of all THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ! you have no idea how much it really means to me that you read about my wee psychos. im honoured seriously. second. BINGO. ding ding motherfucking ding! theos view on his kids havent changed. when he got himself straight he did that for dusty and for dusty only. the kids come with him and as awful as it sounds...his priority is only dustin and i think dustin may push that down just because he loves him but theres gotta be some part of him thats like questioning some things. although theo LOVES the kids he did everything he did for his husband and to get him back. if it werent for dustin i think scarlett knows that theo wouldve been long gone. the things with her specifically are rocky at best. dustins the real saving grace to her [even though she did him pretty dirty too] dustin took her and raised her. theo wasnt present. her mom was too caught up with jami to pay any attention to her. dustin took over and took responsibility for her. and i think although dustin gives his kids a great childhood.she holds a lot of ill will towards her dad because she knows KNOWS he only did this for the love of his life. theo CARES but even now at his age he's kinda just like theyre a little bit of an afterthought. hes still an asshole and hes been like this since he had his first kid with marlee. [hint he has way more kids than he lets on which is why hes on blake so hard and he knows this. theyre all grown now but he sees some repeats going on here with blake and riv and he isnt a fan ] the only kids theo has that were planned are the twins.. and that was for dustin. and for himself a little. they have these kids that bind them now. dustin cant shake him if he wanted to . he loves them . he does. but his patience is thin and hes old so the babies are a little trying for him. . scarlett absolutely doesnt forgive him for leaving. and her mother kind of turning her back on her leans more into that. and youre absolutely right i think she does look at dustin like what was wrong with our lives before he came back and whys he here? he just doesnt give a fuck . and dustins devils advocate here. he can make up for what theo lacks but i think scarlett wants her dad to be present himself. dustin can only do so much. i think dustin and theo are still working through a lot of things themselves. in dustins mind hed want theo to be more involved but he also knows theos just kind of MEH and theo is also just kind of a shitty person. and always has been. and although hes made some strides here nothing much has changed in regards to his views on kids for sure. LONG WINDED IM SORRY haha!

#i went offffffff on a tangent im so sorry #i love you smmmmm

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joeytalyor0108 · 2 years ago

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My Honest Review On Metal Lords (2022)

I finally going to make a review of Metal Lords...yay...

To get to the point, Metal Lords (2022) is an meh film. It's not bad but it's not really good either. If you just want to watch it out of fun, go ahead. But in my opinion, I don't recommend this film to a metalhead or anyone. The plot is basically about two "friends", Hunter and Kevin, who get into Battle of the Bands and tried to find a bass player.

First, the characters are meh in a sense of they are not rememberable (hell I already forgot their names lol). Kevin, our main character, is just a basic socially awkward teen who just wants to learn metal to impress his friend, Hunter (don't give me start it on him). We don't really have a lot of information other than he's in the marching band and live in an apartment. The side characters like Noah (the main singer of a trash indie band) and Skip (I think his the main bully) are bland, basic, and not rememberable. The only side characters I like are Robbie (so pure and protect him at all cost <3) and Dr. Sylvester (Hunter's dad) who is your typical religious ( which kinda fails since all of his actions in the film are actually justifiable) dad but love how he is so done with Hunter (one of my fav scenes). The only interesting character is Emily (who should have been the main character) who tried to deal with her mental illness/disorders in her daily life and loves playing the cello. Kevin and Emily's relationship is pretty wholesome tbh (didn't see the point of them having sex as the reason to start their relationship). In the most wholesome scene, Kevin told Emily that "even if there is something wrong with her, she's perfect for him" when she talked about how she hates herself because of the mental issues she had.

Then we go to Hunter...Hunter Sylvester... my favorite character (I want to die by saying that). Hunter is one of the most annoying, entitled, spoiled, and unlikeable characters I have ever seen. He treats everyone (including his "best friend", Kevin) like trash and wonders why nobody likes him (Luckily the only person he treats well is Robbie). This is probably the only one I kinda roof for the bully. When he gets bullied by Skip and his friends at Noah's party, Noah defended him telling Skip to back off and trying to help Hunter. Instead of thanking him, he cursed him off for no reason and told him his band is trash (not wrong but still) but his band will win the Battle of the Bands (Newsflash Noah's band won). He reminds me of those elitist metalheads who just got into metal and shame other metalheads for their music taste. He also treated Emily like shit just because she is a girl and she's "psycho" which lead to her beating his ass ( best thing that ever happened). The only reason why he didn't want her to be in the band was that a girl playing in the cello band, EW THAT'S GAY (crazy right); luckily he gets called out by Emily for having the gayest metal posters in his room. His pops have enough and send him to a behavioral center which is temporal due to Kevin breaking into the place and getting him out with the power of friendship (more of that later). All of this happens and being an asshole according to Hunter that "he did this of METAL" which let's be honest you just have mommy issues (his mam left him and his dad at least two years ago which I could see why). Lastly, his apology to Emily is very insincere and sounds like every youtube apology; at least his apology toward Noah is kinda and sincere and his band is pretty good (stop lying bro).

There is nothing really about this film but wishing they explore the town more I guess. The soundtrack is definitely the best part of the film, maybe because they put metal songs other than thrash and hair metal. It's just that Metal Lords is more of a forgettable film than a shitty one. Hell, this is just an excuse to make a Hunter Sylvester rant post (don't how people love him). Just don't watch this...watch Heavy Trip, Airheads, and Deathgrasm. They're was better than this (if you want to watch a movie which is Hunter as a girl but better go watch Málmhaus (Metalhead)).

(Little rant: love how the story tried to force Kevin to go back together with Hunter and tried to justify it even tho Hunter doesn't deserve him at all :) )

#Damn that was fucking long #metal lords #netflix #movie review #more like a rant #hunter sylvester #This is the last time I'm going to talk about this #metalhead #metal music

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allthedamnlove · 3 months ago

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omg i love that you can talk about drewfiona & rafesofia for hours lmao bc same! i hate how the riaras (yuck) on twitter shit on sofia sm and say her and rafe had nothing and that she was filler like pls don’t piss me off…they literally had more chemistry than anyone else. that proposal scene itself was greater than every romantic scene combined. and they’re both such GOOD actors. they just didn’t have a fleshed out plot line which we can blame the writers for, but if they had the screen time and the material they would literally be the most talked about thing in the whole show. meanwhile kiara’s character only knows one real facial expression and it’s the pissed off face she makes all the time #nooffense anyways idgaf, i hope sofia and rafe end up together and married and i hope we get drew and fiona press next season. i need to see those sweetie pies interacting moreee!

This is a biggg answer so ill put this down

first of all THANK YOU for the compliment. It is going to be a tough year waiting for obx and then RIARAS DRONING IN OUR EARS with a chainsaw talking about muh "enemies to lovers" trope while its clear that jj would probably come back alive, skin rafe and put him on the coffin rather than see kie and rafe. So any support for sofia is great

Oh both of them were amazing this season even tho they had like six scenes LIKE WHAT IS THIS, SOVIET RUSSIA can you please give me more I am starving here. But obviously since "sofia is a filler charcter' her own story and rafes and sof's relationship dont matter . i wish obx was shot in the 2000s then every season would have 23 eps and we would get such an amazing storyline. And you're so true, even with the minimal scenes their edits in insta and twt are going on fire. clearly some people who dont like fun are like "oh i dont like sofia" well I LOVE HER so move tf on and enjoy. People are clearly getting the agenda buttt some idiots are ruining it for us butt jiaras would literally hang jpates so i dont think fanservice will come in next season. They literally want rafe to be dead rather than with kie and they are pissed as hell abt jj so nope i hope to god that shit doesn't happen. I feel like next summer or autumn they may start shooting (idk tbh) so if we could just see on bts if fiona will be there, we will know for sure that sofia's story is not over.

I am honestly so sad for jiaras situation like they were so cute from s1 till s4 pt 1 like rudy leaving along with the entire drama kinda completely ruined jiara and its so sad cuz they have and HAD SO much potential like they COULD HAVE KISSED IN SO MANY SCENES. The scene when jj and sarah reunite with the rest of the gang should have also had a jj and kie reunion scene that would have ATE and also what the fuck was that ending, his own dad killing him that's so fucking tragic. That shit made ward and john sr the father of the series who both are ASSHOLES btw. Culimination of all that, madison and rudy just let go of professionalism and didn't provide the audience what they deserve. so that ended up kie looking like shes pissed off at jj; even when jj told his lifes been a lie she was...ok...like girl my bb sofia sounded more concerned when rafe called her in morocco. when compared to that with rafe literally proposing to sofia when rafes probably 23 and shes like probs 21 like OH HE WANTS HER BAD. jj didn't even properly kiss her LIKE THATS DIABOLICAL and they come for sofia being bland...like look in the mirror. Thats why psycho ship fans feel like they will get ri*ra like rafe actually was "amicable" key word "amicable" to her but again she had a knife on her back when he approached and rafe still kinda loathes her soooo.

I feel that they dont even watch the same series like jj and kie has been loving each other FOR YEARS loca and their delusional ass thinks that just because rafe threw some smouldering looks doesn't mean that kie is going to jump him and its very very disrespectful to kie that they want them together tbh.

Now....lets talk about it....I MEAN AGAIN THAT PROPOSAL SCENE CHILLSSSS. I hate that tiktok is a cesspool mostly filled with mentally weird people who are just liking riara edits when THERE IS LITERALLY A GODDAMN POWER COUPLE THAT YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON. I mean I loved all the ship chem this season; jarah blew me away and as usual we love cleopope in this fam but RAFE was actually making moves EXCEPT THAT FUCKASS SCENE like buying a property for her and marrying her LIKE THAT IS A FUTURE WIFE GUY. And AGAIN UGHH THE CHEMISTRY WAS CHEMISTRYING AND I HATE THAT I DIDNT GET ENOUGH SCENES. I would literally fall on my knees if I can get that enduro scene where rafe carries sofia BRIDAL STYLE like CALM DOWN. Buttt people say that its actually BTS which means DOUBLE DEATH LIKE HUH WHY DID THAT HAPPEN. Trust me, if only sofia was written by a woman instead of a m*n, we would have gotten so much more. Also a lot of self insert fics make sofia look like the bad guy NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT like obvio the yn is the heroine but like it just irks me that's all; that's just my personal opinion. And only very handful writers, not including the Brazilian Portuguese Rofia AUs (btw are amazing and you guys should totally check it out; i just google translate and read them.) there is not much fanfic or discourse abt them on ao3 or tumble again is kinda sad. I have mapped out a story for them butt i am kinda busy with my life rn even tho my brain and attention span is fried; so i cant be able to write it right now but i am for sure writing it cuz I'm sick and tired of the showrunners ruining the top tier potential that rafe and sofia have

I remember me and the approx 20 people in this app speculating abt whats going to happen in pt 2 after oct regarding rofia. I mean I thought the truth would come out and it will be messy so I THOUGHT I WAS READY to process it. BUT THEN BOOM RAFE PROPOSED

RAFE PROPOSED LIKE WHAT

I remember LITERALLY HOLLERING and screaming WOOOHOOO when he proposed. OH IT WAS EVERYTHING, some people say it was half baked like....whatever girl. the fact that man thought of marrying her itself is like HUH. I thought we'll get like a "i love you" confession BUT NEVER A FUCKING ENGAGEMENT SCENE. So Jpates your beatings will be less for that one reason.

And the way they kissed THREE TIMES BITCH I WAS UPPPP. Him close to crying like SOFIA YOU DID IT GIRL YOU DID IT. He clearly loves her like a lot and I hate that his INSECURE ASS would just break it up IN MOROCCO OVER A GUY WHOS CLEARLY A CON. AND THE WORST PART IS MY GIRL WAS SO HEARTBROKEN LIKE THAT SHOT OF HER JUST DROPPING THE PHONE. SOMEONE HOLD MY BABY SHE DOESNT DESERVE THIS. He straight up said "DONE" like mfer talk it out, acting LIKE HE JUST DIDNT CUT SOFIA OFF WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY THAT SHE MADE A MISTAKE (again warranted cuz rafe is an insecure ass and deserves that whooping, treating the love of your life like that DUSTY BEHAVIOUR).

Everyone says that drew has chemistry with everyone...i kinda disagree. I watched The Other Zoey and as much as i liked it the chemistry between Katherine and drew was not hitting at all. And the background score was not it at all, I was actually fast forwarding for all the romantic scenes with music cuz that was just tacky. And i feel like the final kiss was like...meh. I love the character Zach tho, he is so fuckng cute but I feel like the art direction and the overall aesthetic and the chemistry was not up to the mark. I was expecting more like"to all the boys i loved before" level cuteness but nope it was...ok ig. Compared to that, fiona and drew seem so intense on obx like the banter and the sexual tension is very palpable between sofia and rafe. even in scenes like the one second WHERE SOF PUTS HER HEAD ON RAFES SHOULDER like I felt that chemistry was chemistryfying.

I can talk about them for eons I am not even kidding. I love them smmm. THANK YOU FOR THE ASK

#WHEW THATS AN ANSWER #ask 💓💓💓

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diaryofme98 · 9 months ago

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Journal Entry #2

The power was out yesterday and I used the time to read through some of the texts I sent Fabian last year to the fake number. Honestly, now that I know he for sure read all of these, because of Finch (thanks Fabian) it gives me a different perspective on them. We really did bond in a fucked up way in June.

I told him about all my psychosis, every single problem I ever had with my family, my insecurities, etc. I showed him a gross picture of my room, I sent him a picture of my boob, and I sent him a thousand gifs of couples kissing when I was going through the worst of my psychosis and needed something happy to focus on.

The most fucked up part about June is I used texting Fabian as a coping mechanism. I used it to help me with the worst of my schizophrenia. So for him to just... Take everything I said and use it to scare me. Man. It's uncool. It is totally uncool. I thought we had something going with each other. Yeah he never responded through the fake number, but we had a bond going. We were repairing the damage between us.

So for him to fucking go all American Psycho on my ass, get an honest to God bald cap, and scare the shit out of me when he knew how poorly I was doing... It's just fucking disappointing. Like I expected better of him.

I trusted him with the most vulnerable parts of me and once again he fucking disappointed me and betrayed me. He keeps doing this. I don't know how he can drive to my freaking house and scare me then text me telling me he wants nothing to do with me. It's a far distance between Texas and California! It isn't an easy trip to make! He put so much effort into scaring me! He's such a jerk.

I know in his defense I said some pretty not okay things on my texts last year. I mean. I WAS in psychosis. I wouldn't have said those things in my right mind. I certainly wouldn't have sent a photo of my boob either. So it's like. Cut me a break. I just talked about family incest and being molested as a kid. And thank God none of that really happened but ... I fucking thought it did? I genuinely thought my dad raped me? I was paranoid and psychotic. He didn't need to make it worse by scaring me. Fabian could have used the most vulnerable time of my life to be there for me. He could have helped me! Instead he made it worse.

I don't know what to think of Fabian anymore. I know he knows too much about me. The mess that occurred last year... I told him everything. And maybe it is a good thing we aren't in each other's lives anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I have feelings for him anymore. I don't know if I see him as a best friend anymore. I'd like to. But I probably just need to choose myself for once. I need to protect myself.

I know he's probably reading my blog. He'll probably keep reading this to see if I figure out anymore about him stalking me on a motorcycle. Or he'll just read it in general to stalk me.

If you are reading this Fabian:

I wish we could put aside the bullshit and talk. I won't tell anyone you stalked me last year if you are honest about it. I think you'll find I'm a pretty accepting person. I just want to talk to you. Yeah you did something weird and fucked up, but clearly my texts from last year pissed you off. It's not an excuse but like... I get you are a human. I get you have emotions. I get you have reasons for doing what you do. I'd rather not just be a girl you stalk quietly. I'd rather be in your life in some capacity. I'd be your friend again, if you ever wanted that. I don't know why you are willing to stalk me but you aren't willing to talk to me. Am I that freaking scary? You scared me! I'm not that intimidating. I'm 5'3, I have schizophrenia, and I'm kind of probably just the same nerd you remember dating. I'm not that different honestly. My medicine manages my mental illness. I'm really just- I'm really just okay.

I go to Baylor next year for college. Maybe you'll be more willing to talk to me when I'm away from my family. I don't know why I get that vibe. I guess cause you stalked me. So maybe when I'm alone you'll talk to me. I don't know. I'll move on with my life, I'll do other things, but I'll probably always be curious about talking to you. Not only cause you were my first love, but I think you are mentally fucked up in the same way as me, we are both weirdos as you once told me. And I never did meet another person like you.

#filed under: my journal #filed under: diary entry

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goobie-goo · 1 month ago

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YESSSS no the fart cloud’s name is dimple (or ekubo in the manga? i think? either the manga or the sub but i watched the dub so i call him dimple) and he sucks and its so funny. he and dallas would constantly have beef

both of those statements about mob are 100% true LMAOOOOOO hes very autistic

LMAOOOOOO I LOVE DALLAS FOR THAT!!! idk if you’ll ever watch mob psycho but for the last arc in every season those parental insticts are gonna kick in HARD. like CRAZY MEGA SUPER DUPER. wild. also i think dallas would 100% do the thing like “ur coming with me” but mob has so many friends and family who care about him!! and reigen!!!! he would say “no its ok. thank you for offering though” and dallas would stick around as a personal bodyguard (side note!! mob psycho is a show with a lot of themes about forgiveness and acceptance and how people can change, so i think it would be really cool for dallas’ character development if he was able to learn some of that in the mob psycho universe. obviously not for people like his dad, but maybe he would learn to forgive some of the mob psycho antagonists like mob did! i feel like all the stuff about acceptance would also probably help with some of his own mental troubles, especially with such a supportive group of ppl like the ones in mob psycho. seriously everyone in that show is so cool)

(yeahhhhh 100% LMAO. if he was around for some of the fights in mob psycho he would 100% start typing up some adoption papers lemme tell u)

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAAAA ohhhhhhh reigen arataka. HATE HIM SOOOOO BAD (im enthralled with him)

he runs a spiritual consultation office called spirits and such (basically ppl come to him if they’re being haunted or something and he + his employees will go exorcise the evil spirit causing it), where he employs mob for like 300 yen an hour (very high pay), because he needs mob to exorcise the spirits since reigen doesnt actually have any psychic powers

in the show there’s a few people who think that reigen is just exploiting mob for his own benefit, and maybe thats how it was when they first met like several years ago, but over time reigen shows that he genuinely really cares about mob and prioritizes his safety over all else. in the last arc of season 3 (spoilers but ill keep it vague) he literally runs into almost certain death to go save mob and AGEHEUFUYDJEDN MY HEARTYTTTTT…. THESE FUCKING GUYSSSSSSSSS ISTG. not to mention the final arc of season 2 where mob and his brother and his friend (bf basically /hj) are in the antagonist’s base and theyre about to fight and reigen shows up like “why tf are you guys beefing with middle schoolers. whats wrong with you grown ass men.” and he kicks the shit out of one of them LOLLLLL

but back to dallas.

i think at first reigen’s super dramatic demeanor (he is VERY dramatic. diva💜) and how little he pays mob would definitely rub dallas the wrong way and i think he would also assume that reigen is exploiting mob and maybe not like him very much! which is. understandable. if you met a 28 year old self proclaimed psychic who had this middle schooler do the work of actually exorcising spirits while only paying him like $2 an hour you probably would be wary of him too

but!! i think over time dallas would see and understand their relationship more and he would maybe think reigen was an alright guy

i think it would make the most sense for dallas to show up right before or very early on in the story so he can get the full scope of these characters and stuff, since by the end all this character development stuff already happens and there isnt a ton for dallas to do

i already have comic ideas……….. oh yay

oh shit im gonna be late for school TTYL POOKIE!! LMK WHAT YOU THINK

was hit with a sudden bout of inspiration

dallas in mob psycho!!!!! at spirits n such (a buisness ran by one of the characters in the show) and some angst potential

ME. RN. :[[[[[[[[ /POS

AAADVGFDSCH IT’S THE GUYSSSS IT’S MY BOY WITH YOUR LIL DUDE EEEEEHEHEEEEEE *dissolves into neurodivergent screaming*

he looks so perturbed lmao. ‘the green dude is calling ME a freak? what about them?? flying shit looking ass…’ AND HE LOOKS SO CONCERNED FOR MOB IN THE SECOND PHOTO IM GOING TO COMBUST :[[[[ /pos that’s adorable idk even know if i’m picking up the stuff right but AASUGHSG F D

i will cry. right now. /th (<- /j)

#just looked back at everything i wrote and LMAOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE ESSAY #i really like these characters can you tell

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shivering-isles-cryptid · 3 years ago

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The Curse of an Arkham Psycologist | The Riddler x Therapist Reader

Summary: Arkham Asylum was very careful when hiring their newest psychologist, they didnt want another Harley Quinn case. But all their worries seems to be for nothing when they hired Dr. L/n. Top of his class. Ivy League Graduate. He's their perfect candidate, and is hired on the spot. All their fears seem like nothing more than that, fears. Until they assign him the Riddler.

Request: Yes / No

Warnings: Talks of murder, abuse, and mental illness, graphic depictions of violence, language, multiple sex jokes, incompetent policemen, Batman pining for the reader if you squint

The Hiring Interview

Y/n tapped his fingers on his knee, staring at the three men in front of him. The Arkham Asylum warden, Warden Wright, Gotham City Police Commissioner Jim Gordon, and Batman. Thr three men stared into y/n, which normally being alone in a room with 3 muscular men would have been a dream come true, but not when your in a job interview. "I hope you understand why we have these two with us. We need to make sure the psychologists we hire are up for the task. We can't risk another Harley Quinn." The Warden explained, y/n nodding along.

"Where did you go to school?"

"I graduated from the College of Northern Gotham with a Bachelors in Clincal Psychology, with a minor in communication. I then got my P.H.D. in Criminal Psychology from Princeton. I also recieved an associates degree in Psychology when I was in high school."

"Previous work experience?"

"I worked for 5 years at a therapists office in Metropolis, and spent some time as a secretary for Dr. Quinnzel before she was hired here."

"Do you have any personal connection to any inmates here at Arkham?"

"The Penguin killed my dad, Scarecrow killed my mom, Bane killed my brother, and Mad Hatter tried to kidnap me, but I beat him up."

"So you have experience with these psychos?"

"The same experience as anyone else in Gotham."

"Your medical records say that you have difficulty with expressing emotion. Is there a reason for that?"

"I don't have difficulty with emotions, but if there isnt a reason, I'm not going to show them. Take right now for instance, if I was sad, I wouldn't cry in front of you three."

"You can control your emotions, that's good. These bastards will test you every chance they get."

"I can handle it."

The Warden scoffed, and tossed a file to me. "Prove it. Heres your first patient. I'll take you to him."

Interview 1: Meeting the Riddler

"I'll be starting you off with one of our least dangerous villains. If you stay calm, and solve his riddles, you'll be fine." Warden opened a door, which showed a room with a glass box in the center. Sitting in the box was a man with a question mark on his forehead. He was tall and lean, but you could see the muscle on his body. "Good luck. Cheryl." The Warden nodded to the cop standing guard and left the room.

You sat on the chair standing infront of the cube, holding eye contact with the Riddler. "Riddle me this, Doc. Who spends their time trying to heal the broken, who spends their time trying to get them to say the unspoken. Whos over their head and doesn't know what to do, I'll give you hint, the answer is you." Y/n put a hand over his mouth a chuckled lightly. "Your very smart Mr. Riddler. It was a clever joke." Y/n smiled at him and tilted his head. "Now, riddle me this Riddler." Y/n stood up and began circling the cell, never thaking his eyes off the Riddler. "Who wears green outside of March, who's back is as straight as an arch. Who talks in riddles to confuse the dumb, who does crimes so they feel numb. Who acts like they have confidence, but secretly worry over their incompetence. Who kills and lies to push people away, all because they think no one will stay. Who..." Riddler banged a fist against a wall, anger written on his face, but also fear and sadness. "Yeah, yeah I get it!" Y/n smiled and sat back down. "So, now that we've evened the playing field. How about I ask you some questions?"

Interview 4: Earning Trust

Y/n stared at the Riddler, who was using mashed potatoes to draw question marks on the glass. "I feel like there's a wall between us, Mr. Riddler." Y/n said, a small smirk tugging on his lips. Riddler turned and looked at him with a bored look and blinked before turning around again. Y/n stood up and walked to the door, motioning at Cheryl to open it. Y/n walked in, ignoring Riddler surprise, and sat in the middler of the floor. "Well, now there's no wall. What do you want to talk about Mr. Riddler." Riddler stood up and walked toward the unfazed y/n. Riddler stood above him, staring down at him with a smirk. "I like this view, you should get on the floor more often Doc." Riddler sat down across from him, their knees almost touching. "Hmm, maybe I do. You'd never know." Y/n smirked tapping his pen against his clipboard. Riddler blushed for a second, but shook his head and smirked. "So Mr. Riddler, do you want to talk about your childhood? That seems to always be where the story starts." Riddler tilted his head, that shit-eating grin still on his face. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." Y/n looked at him and shook his head. "If you insist Mr. Riddler. I was born here in Gotham. Raised here too. I had a decent life up till high school, that's when the Penguin killed my dad. Then, the day after graduation, Scarecrow killed my mother. And then, it was my first day at the College of Northern Gotham, and my brother is killed by Bane. And then, 3 months later, the Mad Hatter decides I'd make a good Alice and tries to kidnap me." Riddler tilted his head and scratched his chin. "What did you do?" Y/n smirked, letting out a chuckle. "I snapped his arm in half and broke one of his ribs." Riddlers eyes and smile widened and he clapped his hands. "Ooh, I misjudged you doc." Y/n nodded and stood up. "Well Mr. Riddler, I have another appointment, so we're going to have to cut this short. Have a goodnight." Y/n turned around, but Riddler grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Call me Edward, Doc." Y/n nodded and left the cell. "Have a goodnight, Edward." Y/n smiled at him before turning around and leaving.

Meeting with the Boss

Y/n sat in the same chair he did when he got the job, staring at the same three people, plus Cheryl. "You went INTO his cell! You could have been killed, he could have escaped!" Commissioner Gordon yelled at y/n, who stared at him blankly. "I earned his trust, he'll actually talk to me now. Getting him to do that is my JOB!" Y/n stood up, holding eye contact with Gordon. "He's right Commish, the Riddler trusts him now. I watched it happen." Cheryl said, nodding to y/n. "It is his job Gordon." The Warden said, putting a hand on Gordon's shoulder. Y/n crossed his arms and started at the Commishoner. "Ugh, fine, go back to work." Y/n nodded and went to leave the room. He grabbed the doorknob, but turned back to them. "I'm not Harley Quinn. I cant be manipulated by Riddler. I will never do something that I don't believe is right just because some guy tries to flirt." Y/n said before opening the door and leaving.

Interview 5: Edward Talks

Y/n stepped into the cell, sitting in the same place he did last time. "Sorry I'm late, the Warden wanted to ask something." Y/n explained and clicked his pen. "Oh it's fine. I wasn't worried." Y/n internally roleld his eye, but smiled back at Riddler. "Well Edward, I told you my story, I think its time you told me yours." Edward turned from the ceiling and glared at Y/n, who was still smiling warmly. Edward sat up in the bed and crossed his legs, staring at the floor. "Well, it all started when I was 8."

When the Riddler was done, y/n was fighting back tears harder than he ever has before, qnd Cheryl was a sobbing mess so they had to send in a new guard until she calmed down. Y/n got up and put a hand on Edwards shoulder, pulling him into a hug. "Riddle me this, Edward. Who has been through to much to be sane, but still has the ability to play his own game. Who is stronger than anyone I've met, and who still hasnt broken yet." Y/n rubbed Edwards back, holding him as he shook but no tears came out. "You are stronger than your dad, or mom, ever gave you credit for. And you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for." They stood there for 4 minutes before Edward pulled away. "Ive got to go see another patient, but I'll be back. I always am." Y/n squeezed Edward's hand and left the room, patting the new guard on the shoulder.

Interview 6: An Unofficial Visit

"Wait outside for a few minutes. I dont want you to burst into tears again." Y/n whispered to Cheryl, who nodded and walked outside the door. Y/n entered Edwards cell and sat on the bed next to him. "Doc? But our next appointment isn't for another 3 hours. Did you really miss me that much?" Edward smirked at him and wiggled his shaved eyebrows. "I have something to tell you Edward. That backstory I gave you, its not all of it. Yes, I'm an orphan, yes I broke Mad Hatter. But there's more to it than that. I'm the one who put my dad in the Penguins path. I'm the one who gave Scarecrow my mom. And I'm the one who threw the rock at Bane, not my brother. My dad beat my mom, so I got rid of him. My mom beat me and my brother, so I got rid of her. And when my brother found out, he was on his way to the police when Bane showed up. I killed my family. And I don't feel bad." Yn whispered into Edwards ear. "Holy shit, you're fucked up." Edwards said, his eyes widening, then his mouth burst into a smile. "I knew you were too good to be true, and you just keep getting better!" Edward said grabbing his face and kissing him. Y/n pulled away and shook his head, turning his body so the cameras couldnt see his face. "I don't want to get fired and thrown in here, so pretend like I just rejected you." Edward's face contorted into anger and he started yelling at y/n, who was already back at the door, looking afraid as he escaped. "I'll be back." He mouthed to Edward, who nodded slightly, but still looked mad.

Another Meetimg With Your Boss

"I told you it was dangerous! Riddler is insane and he could have killed you!" Gordon yelled at you, as you once again sat in front of the 4 people. "I knew he would trust me, I didn't think he would fall in love with me!" Y/n yelled, standing up. "Doctor L/n, it is too dangerous for you to go back to the Riddlers cell." Batman said, putting a hand on you shoulder. "No, I am still going to be his doctor! I just won't go into his cell. Knowing what I know now, I realize that it was foolish of me to enter his cell in the first place." Warden Wright nodded at you. "Was he a good kisser?" Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What, we were all thinking it." Gordon nodded, "we were." Now everyone was looking at y/n, who shrugged. "It just made me think we should give the inmates mints. Other than that, he was okay. I've had better." Gordon nodded, and Batman huffed, following Y/n out of the office. He grabbed his arm and pulled him toward him. "Be careful Doctor. The Joker ruined Dr. Quinnzels life because she thought she could change him. She believed she was getting through to him and it destroyed her. Don't make the same mistake." Y/n nodded and patted Batman on the chest. "Don't worry batsy, I won't." And the he left. 'I won't because Riddler isn't manipualting me. He actually likes me, and I really like him.' Y/n smirked to himself as he left.

Interview 7: The Big Escape

Y/n smiled at Cheryl, patting her on the shoulder as she nodded to him. Y/n sat on the metal chair that he hasn't touched since the 4th interview. "Hello Mr. Riddler. Now, I'd like to talk about the incident at our last meeting." Riddler looked up at Y/n with fury. "You have alot of nerve to come back her after that!" Edward slammed his hands against the door of the cell and Y/n stood up, walking to it. "Listen Mr. Riddler, I just want to know why you thought that was appropriate behavior. Surely you didn't really believe that there could be something between us. I mean, your in a cage, how could we date." Y/n shook his head and placed a hand on the cage door, which made Edward hit the door in anger again. "Shut up! I thought that you could look past that!" Y/n tilted his head to the side ane shook his head. "Did you also think I could look past you being a supervillain, even knowing that my family was killed by villains?" Y/n shook his head, his hand sliding down the wall. "I could never look past that Mr. Riddler. Just like how I can't look past the wall separating us." Y/n said, at the exact moment his hand slid over the button unlocking the door. "Oh, guess that's not a problem anymore." Yn shrugged, pulling a gun out from his jacket and shooting Cheryl in the stomach. "Don't worry Cheryl, you'll live. The female body is amazing. I shot you directly next to the womb, so I missed most if not all your vital organ, and you most likely won't bleed out before someone gets you to a doctor. Lovely isn't it?" Y/n laughed, handing Edward his cane and they walked out of the room, Edward electrocuting and y/n shooting anyone who tried to stop them. They just made it to the main hall, after Edward released Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, something aboit repaying a debt or something. Batman stood infront of the door, his body in a guarded stance. "Doctor L/n, y/n. Please, what ever the Riddler said to you. It isn't worth it." Y/n laughed, pointing his gun at Batman. "I already told you Batsy, Edward cant make me do anything I don't want to do." Batman grunted and Y/n pulled the trigger. It was empty. "Darling, do you want to give my Riddle Stick a whirl?" Edward said, putting a hand on Y/n's shoulder. "Eddie, not infront of Batman." Y/n joked, brushing some hair behind his ear. "I meant my cane." He said, handing it to y/n who laughed and pointed it at Batman. "Sorry Batsy, you understand what it's like falling for a villain." Y/n said and pupped the trigger, electrocuting Batman and running out of the Asylum with Edward and the girls.

Home At Last

Y/n sat in Edwards living room, looking at all the green decor. "You should call this place the Emerald City, not the Riddle lair." Y/n joked moving into Edwards lap when he sat down. "Very funny darling, I'll have to think it over." Edward said, snuggling his nose in Y/n's neck. "Ah, it feels good to be free. To be able to be myself." Y/n said, placing his head on Edwards shoulder. "I love you Y/n." Edward whispered into Y/n's ear. "I love you too, Edward. Now, how bout we go to your room and I take your Riddle Stick for a little ride." Y/n whispered into his ear. Edward grabbed Y/n's waist and stood up, y/n wrapping his legs around Edward and kissed him.

#the riddler x male reader #the riddler #dc fanfic #fanfic #gay fanfic #gay fanfiction #gay #dc fanfiction

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ladysyrinx · 3 years ago

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Kuro Neko, Miraculous Ladybug S4 Mental Health Perspective Analysis

Sort of analysis. Analysis from a mental health perspective. Explaining what we were seeing and the possible "lesson" intended by this episode.

There aren't a lot of outright spoilers, but this will make a lot more sense after seeing the episode. Or you could read this before and see if you agree with my assessment? Idk. You do you. You've been warned and advised:)

Okay. So I’ve read some salt about this saying that Ladybug didn’t do anything wrong, and the point of the episode shouldn’t be that there are consequences for her actions.

Which is accurate (mostly). She and Cat Noir could both be a little better at communicating, but overall she handled it pretty well.

So then, why did this episode happen? To crap on Cat Noir?

No, I don’t think that’s it either.

This will be a bit long, I’ll put a summary at the bottom in italics if you want to skip there:)

Point 1: Adrien/Cat Noir was depressed this episode. He showed all the classic signs: Little to no interest or pleasure in things he normally likes, no energy, emotions not cycling like they normally should and instead stuck in a blah place, wearing only lounge clothes with no desire to change to normal clothes, and staying in bed late.

Why was he depressed? CUZ HIS FAMILY IS S***!

I know. It LOOKS like it’s because Ladybug was ‘neglecting’ him. So, if you will allow me, let me explain why that isn’t what we’re seeing. Because I know a lot about mental health from personal experience and research. I’ll try to shed some light on what’s happening.

Adrien often looks depressed around his father. He doesn’t let himself get too excited about much. He does find pleasure in doing things that will connect him with other people, and that’s about it. So having a more serious depressed episode is unsurprising. Whether or not he really had depression before this episode is somewhat debatable, but there can be an argument made for it.

His family (father in particular, jury’s out on his mother, Nathalie is an enabler for his father) is abusive. This is probably the source of his depression. Key examples his father is emotionally abusive (in case you, idk, had a blindfold on for all 4 seasons and somehow missed it). He withholds love unless Adrien behaves or does things a certain way. Adrien only gets attention from him for acting out or for accomplishing things, sometimes not even then. He uses punishments and love to manipulate Adrien into doing what he wants (ie, you can only go to school and HAVE FREAKING FRIENDS if you do everything I want you to all the time, and live by this busy and hectic schedule.) Outside connection is limited (ie, rarely gets to do things with his friends, his father disapproves of his friends and attempts to put doubts in Adrien’s mind about his friends). His dad neglects him, leaving him mostly to Nathalie and Gorilla’s care. He is absent and even when he promises to be there, he rarely is, and even more rarely is there in person. His shows of love or affection toward Adrien are extremely limited. He is not there for his son if Adrien needs to talk. He gaslights Adrien when Adrien is concerned about Nathalie and makes the connection with his mother’s illness, saying nothing is wrong and trying to get Adrien to doubt his own perception and intuition and senses to try to get him to only trust his father’s viewpoint and what his father finds more convenient for him to believe. I’m guessing there’s a lot more gaslighting going on, but I don’t want to try to look for it right now. Adrien feels the need to be perfect and not be himself around his family and in public to make his family look good. Adrien feels the need to defend his father’s toxic behaviors and deny it when it’s pointed out to him. His father is extremely controlling and manipulative, which are also emotionally abusive. And if you want to underestimate emotional abuse, don’t. It’s very insidious and can make a person struggle to see reality. It can also cause PTSD and CPTSD and other traumatic psychological issues, so it is just as serious and, studies show, painful as other kinds of abuse. Sorry, that was long. On to my next point!

Abuse and neglect have led Adrien to developing an insecure attachment style. Theattachmentprogram.com sums what this is and what causes it pretty clearly:

“If a child perceives that his or her needs are not met, the child is not able to build a secure and stable bond with the caregivers. This leads to the development of an insecure attachment style and ultimately a distorted perception of how relationships work.”

If you can’t see how he would have developed this after point 3, I’m not sure what more I can do to convince you. Gabriel does not meet Adrien’s emotional needs of being loved and accepted and cared for. Gabriel is emotionally abusive and never there for his son. Of course Adrien is going to develop an insecure attachment style. I don’t think that’s even in question.

4. Adrien has an anxious attachment style. To quote theattachmentprogram.com again, “Most often, anxious attachment is due to misattuned and inconsistent parenting. Low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships are common signs of this attachment style.” Gabriel is the epitome of inconsistent parenting. He is neglectful most the time, but then sometimes he opens up to Adrien and urges Adrien to come to him with his needs. Which he then doesn’t meet when Adrien inevitably tries once again to come to him.

5. Anxiously attached people often project what they need or want onto a partner and then become obsessed with them. You’ve seen it. He wants the love and affection from Ladybug that he should be getting from his father (not romantic love, ick. Just love and acceptance and an expression of needing the other person and being included). They become very anxious without the person. That person is the end all be all, and if that person does not like them back it is the end of the world and they become very anxious. They are easily jealous and a bit suspicious. They also always feel bad about themselves and idealize their partners. They feel like they have no worth and have very low self esteem (and can you blame the kid with how Gabriel Agreste treats him? Anyone’s going to have self esteem issues if someone treats them like that.) And they need a lot of affirmation and assurances in their relationships. Cat Noir looks needy, but it’s because of this attachment style that originated from abuse. Yes, he needs to learn how to have healthier relationships and have confidence in those relationships, but he literally has no way of accessing the help he would need to do that so long as Gabriel is in charge of him. He’s 14. There’s not a lot he can do. He is not at fault for his neediness or his struggles with feeling like LB doesn’t need him. He needs to learn better and hopefully he will. But probably not as long as he’s still being actively emotionally abused at home by his father and only parental figure.

6. Anxious attachment (or really any insecure attachment) increases the risk for psychological problems/mental illnesses like Depression. As established, Adrien was showing classic signs of depression in this episode, and possibly in other episodes as well. We can see this even worse with how Gabriel Agreste handles it (Oh, he’s an Agreste, he’ll be fine in 3 days when I actually need him to be a human being, who cares that he’s suffering now?) So we really see the true culprit. Adrien doesn’t show a lot of extreme emotions ever, which can be another sign of depression–just a lot of blah, not much of any kind of emotion. Think Inside Out if you need a reference. No joy, no sadness. No anything except maybe some disappointment and desire for something that might make us feel okay again. I’m not sure, or necessarily convinced, that Adrien usually has depression, but he certainly was having a depressive episode whether or not he has actual major depressive disorder or not. He probably does have some form of PTSD because he’s had a lot of abuse and trauma in his life, but I’m not going to go looking through the whole series for evidence for or against that at the moment. Not the point. Just saying that the extremity of his Depressive episode and the reason he was feeling so insecure was because of his home life, not Ladybug’s actions.

7. In short, what happened in Kuro Neko was Gabriel Agreste’s fault for being a s***** dad. It’s not Adrien’s fault, though the poor boy desperately needs therapy. He didn’t ask to be abused or neglected, and there is literally nothing the poor boy can do to get his father to stop being a terrible father, because he has tried freaking everything. It’s not Ladybug’s fault, because in reality, she’s probably not going to be able to do or live up to what Adrien thinks or wants until he can reach a place of healthier attachment, though she does try to love and support him where she can. She can’t provide for all his emotional needs–no one person can provide for 100% of another person’s emotional needs, that’s why we need a circle of family and friends (sometimes family-like friends if a person’s family is not going to be that emotional support). Plus, she cannot make up for his dad’s neglect and bad parenting. And Adrien is probably not aware of his unhealthy attachment style because he’s being raised by FREAKING HAWKMOTH/Gabriel Agreste (honestly the Gabriel Agreste part of that duality is probably the worse part :P). He hasn’t had any examples of healthy relationships that he is involved in or can even really see with how controlling his father is.

Anyways, I hope this makes sense. I’ve been doing a lot of research into attachment styles recently, which has actually helped me a lot in understanding why I react and do the things I do in my own relationships (I recommend doing a little research into it yourself. Knowing what is going on is the first step to improving what is going on:) I was watching this and realizing, hey, Adrien has this attachment style. No surprise there.

*In short, Adrien has an anxious attachment style likely because of Gabriel Agreste, his father, and his emotional needs rarely getting met at home and by his parental figure/caregiver(s). With the addition of being subjected to a lot of psychological and emotional abuse at home. This leads to a lot of his insecurities and obsessive/hyper-focused tendencies with Ladybug, him being easily jealous or hurt/discouraged. People with this attachment style need a lot of reassurance. So what happened in Kuro Neko was not Ladybug’s fault, nor was it really Adrien/Cat Noir’s fault. He doesn’t really have a way of getting help to work on his attachment style, nor is he really in a position where he can recognize it, seeing as he is not allowed close enough to anyone with healthy relationships to learn that his family relationships are not healthy. His relationship with Ladybug and perhaps Nino (who his father actively disapproves of) are the closest things he has. So if you’re looking for someone to blame for Kuro Neko's drama, look no further than Gabriel Agreste, the true supervillain who doesn’t even need a superpower to be the worst, though he’s managed to get one anyway because he is literally the worst.

It also seems like Thomas Astruc said somewhere that Cat Noir is too reliant/dependent on Ladybug. So the purpose of this episode was likely to highlight that.

If you'd like me to do more analyses on mental health, or anything, in a fandom, feel free to request it:) and please leave a heart and/or repost if you felt like this was helpful or enjoyed this:)

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dadwithout · 3 years ago

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I am going to do a controversial.

SCHIZOPHRENIA IS A CHRONIC ILLNESS THAT DESERVES SPACE IN CRIPPLE PUNK

As an example, I had a delusion for 4 years, that was so pervasive that I ended up seeing 3 immunologists and in treatment on drugs meant for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. My delusion? An ever-growing list of primarily food allergies that causes debilitating, painful, and sometimes life-threatening symptoms, when the third immunologist suggested that I may have a stomach issue with processing certain foods instead of allergies I had 50 or so known off-limits foods and was eating plain rice, carrots, bananas, and diet soda only. My physical pain and symptoms weren't unreal because of my schizophrenia, it caused me to miss events and stuff.

Schizophrenia can overlap with a lot of physical disabilities to the point where it is a bit of a blurred line between what is caused by mental health and what is caused by physical problems in the body.

I think another layer complicating this is when our bodies don't work. Catatonia, a symptom characterized by strange movements, and inability to move at times is often a feature of schizophrenia. Catatonic movement is something I have been maligned for throughout my life and has never been something I can hide.

What about when delusions complicate our movement? When I have delusions of being dead, often during that time my head tilts to the side and I can't move it without great effort on my part, I also heavily limp, and my arm movements become jagged, to the point where I'm unable to use my wheelchair and crutches for my hEDS pain.

There is also the mistreatment we get for our facial expressions, a key symptom of schizophrenia is that facial expressions are pretty much non-existent or sometimes entirely wrong for the situation we're in (i.e. Laughing during the funeral service of your friend's dad who was murdered) and that can cause us to face abuse because our face doesn't work right and our brain can't translate the right emotion sometimes.

Hallucinations are entirely physical sensations we experience, I frequently experience painful tactile hallucinations, is that pain less real than that of someone with fibromyalgia or hEDS? What about the olfactory hallucinations? When I hallucinate smells so strong that I vomit, is that not a physical manifestation of my disorder? Visual and auditory hallucinations are sound and visual disturbances. For many schizophrenics, auditory hallucinations cause episodes of being unable to interact with others in a sound environment because hallucinations can be so overwhelming. Our body can't tell the difference between reality and hallucination, disability isn't as simple as separating category by cause of disability. In some cases, it's more cut and dry but schizophrenia literally isn't.

My schizophrenia has probably impacted my physical health and disability more than my hEDS, POTS, Gatro(hopefully -paresis, otherwise IDK what it could be), asthma, and episodes of CRPS ever has. We already aren't welcome in mental health or neurodivergent communities because of the ableist idea that associating with us makes others look bad, so it just generally sucks to exist as a psychotic and especially as someone with a Schizo-Prefix disorder.

Side note - The reason psychotics and especially schizophrenics are always rejected from community spaces is because people use "delusional" and "psycho" and "schizo" as insults to undermine and bring into question the intelligence of the person making the arguments. I bring to your attention #abledsarepsychotic during the #abledsareweird era of Twitter. Where traditionally physically disabled people and aspychotic people, in general, used our disability to discredit ableism against them by saying ableds were unreliable sources due to experiencing psychosis, a disability. When I called this out on Twitter I got a lot of angry DM's from people telling me I didn't get a say on disability justice, despite A)Being physically disabled myself, B)Being generally disabled myself, and C)Me literally knowing what I'm talking about in regards to ableism against psychotics.

I can't help but think this messaging about using psychosis as an insult being okay, for even other disabled people to do is about palatability to ableds you know?

#actually schizophrenic #schizcourse #seriously schizophrenic #pseriouslyschizophrenic #cripple punk #disabiltiy #even if you think I'm wrong I am otherwise physically disabled so don't come at me dismissing that

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wizkiddx · 4 years ago

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I would for sure read a continuation of the birth photographer fic if you feel comfortable writing it/have time! Xx

a/n sorry I kinda combined these two together, I hope this is okay!! sorry ive taken so long too!! my requests are still open, just going a bit slowly :)

summary: literally just birth + harry

dad!tom x reader

warnings: childbirth, mentions of fainting, squint for suggestiveness too

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“Your doing so good darling, just keep breathin’ like that for me, in-out-in-out”

That had pretty much been the soundtrack to your last 3 hours. And yes it was MORE annoying than it sounds. Of course, that’s also ignoring the insane amount of pain your uterus was putting you through - as it spasmed while the little bug in there was wriggling away. Giving birth was not easy but giving birth with a husband-turned-midwife wittering away in your ear? Un-fucking-bearable.

“Tom…. I love you but..” Everything had really been starting to ramp up in the last half an hour, you were a panting sweaty mess now. “Please… SHUT THE FUCK UP” Tom would’ve recoiled completely away from the bed because of your tone, if it wasn’t for the absolute death grip you had his right hand in. Instead, Tom settled for straightening straight up and staring helplessly and dejectedly across the room at his brother - who of course was trying to hold back laughter, knowing it would be very easy for you to switch your target to him.

Clearly it wasn’t a social call to the hospital, Harry was here under the premise of taking photos when the baby arrives for Tom; but really to stop his brother from having his own breakdown - as commissioned by you. Lets just say, however scared and mortified Harry was of this ‘event’ he was taking a lot of enjoyment from how his brother was acting currently.

“It’s okay sir, if you were pushing a watermelon out of hole that normally was the size of a whiteboard marker, I’m sure you’d be a bit tetchy too.” That lady was your favourite midwife and in a lull between the sets of contractions, you actually managed a laugh. Wide-eyed, Tom just nodded jerkily, murmuring some sort of agreement. It was at this point a flash of light reverberated around the whole room, causing you to breathlessly laugh, Harry’s face informing you the picture he just got of Tom was priceless.

The laughter didn’t last long though, the next contraction had you bearing down on the bed, face contorted in pain as you sucked desperately on the gas and air tube.

“Okay Y/n I think we might be getting there, let me call the senior midwifes in okay?” The midwife had your legs hiked apart, a blanket attempting to cover your modesty - but at this point she was basically sticking her face in your noon. Modesty was out the window.

“Already?” Tom was shocked to say the least, from all his reading and research he’d learnt that the average labour time was more like 5 hours. Lets just say, Tom never exceled in school, never much enjoyed reading - which made the hours of highlighting baby books and pregnancy leaflets all the more extraordinary.

“Babies don’t stick to the script sir.” You could tell she was proud of the pun there, because you know, Tom’s a moviestar. “Professional improvisers, the lot of them.”

The cream walls of the hospital room very quickly filled with more and more people - Harry staying like a fly on the wall, now nervously biting his nails as he watched an obscene amount of medical people all take their turn oggling his sister-in-law’s bits. This was a weird ass situation.

Almost immediately it was at the point the midwifes were telling you to push, which after 9 months of holding a baby in (as well as your ill functioning bladder) sounded like an absolute dream. But it was also absolutely terrifying and exciting and horrifying all wrapped in one. Naturally then, after nodding hesitantly at the midwife between your legs, you’d craned your neck across to tom .You might’ve just told him off, for trying to encourage you, but now? You needed his encouragement.

What met you though, was his face completely drained of colour, mouth hanging slightly open as he hadn’t moved - still staring intently at the midwife. She followed your gaze, only taking half a second to survey the situation before knowingly smiling.

“Can we get a bit of help for dad please?” Immediately one of the more junior looking midwives was directing (pushing) Tom into the chair next to the floor. Suddenly actually concerned, you looked with wide eyes to the lady between your legs, who you felt bad for not remembering her name. With a comforting squeeze of your ankle she reassured you he’d be right as rain after a few moments of having his head between his knees. Also sensing you needed your support, she arched up, beckoning over to Harry who had an equally bemused look on his face.

“No - I-um I’m not.” His squeaking protests were interrupted by a large scream on your part, as another contraction tore through your body. Helplessly Harry glanced between Tom, who was still hunched over on a chair with a nurse squatted infront of him; and you, writhing around on the mechanical bed. He didn’t hesitate then, in jumping right to your side, allowing you to start crushing all the bones in his hand too.

And then it was all happening, a blur of activity and screams. It didnt take long for Tom to pull himself together and then you were flanked on both sides by Holland boys - both giving cheesy encouraging words (which you would’ve again told them to shut the fuck up for, if you’d been able to), Tom also stroking the top of your head. He found it pretty impossible, watching the woman that he loved go through such immense pain - especially when he was technically half the cause. Well… actually more that that, it had been him who had been… well shall we say *needy* those nine months ago.

“Okay Y/n the heads crowning, I know you’re tired but we need a few more big pushes, can you do that for me?”

Merely 5 minutes later and the most beautiful sound in the world echoed through the 4 creams walls. You were absolutely spent, eyes closed as you panted, knowing tears were flooding down your face too. Immediately though, familiar hands cupped both sides of your face, a forehead resting on yours.

“You did it Y/n/n.” His eyes were glassy, watering and red and the way he scoffed a smile in disbelief had you mirroring him exactly.

“We did it.” Your voice was hoarse and scratchy from all the yells of pain but it didnt matter. The midwife calling you by the name ‘mum and dad’ got both of your attention, a title you’d no doubt start getting used to.

“Meet your beautiful baby girl.” Another choked sob escaped your throat, as this little roughly wrapped up pink alien looking thing was placed onto your chest. Both you and Tom just gazed at her, completely transfixed at the way she wriggled her head slightly, nuzzling into your chest. Tom gently hovered his palm against her little head, while you pressed down the blanket gently, just so you could see all her features.

Then a flash echoed around the otherwise silent room, making you all look up to Harry who was gritting his teeth in apology. “Do mum and dad want to smile for the camera?” The question was posed so hesitantly and quietly, really it wasn’t funny either. That didn’t stop you and Tom both pulling out the biggest grins and chuckling away, allowing Harry to capture the perfect moment. Being referred to as mum and dad - it was bloody comical.

“You gonna tell me her name now?” You looked from Harry to Tom, nodding in approval for him to spill the beans.

“Amber. She’s Amber.”

You’d squabbled for months before ending on Amber. It had been a long relentless process, Tom claiming that your baby might just have ended up as ‘as yet untitled’ which you and your hormonal state had stormed out at. It hadn’t taken much to forgive it though, Tom had long since worked out that Ben and Jerrys was the way to your heart.

The nurses took Amber back to do some tests, properly cleaning both you and her up and after that everything was weirdly calm. Harry had left to give the twothree of you a moment alone and Tom was about to do his turn of skin to skin.

“This really is it isn’t it?” He murmured, whilst carefully scooping Amber from your arms.

“Mhmmm… your stuck with two girls who’ll go psycho on you without a moments notice.” He seemed to accept it though, just nodding in response.

“And I still can’t bloody wait.” His eyes penetrating deep into you, had you blushing like a nervous teenage girl. “ ‘m still so proud of you, you grew this little human.”

“Your not allowed to call her little because you didnt have the ‘little’ thing rip your insides apart.”

“Hey! I’m upset about it too! Was like I had to watch my favourite pub being burnt down.” Of course, trust Tom to make a dirty joke at a time like this.

“Don’t kid yourself, you weren’t watching, too busy fainting.”

“I didn’t actually faint!” This time he protested a bit too loudly, causing Amber to mewl a little and bury her head into the crook of her Dads arm. “I think Ambers just told you to shut it too.”

“You annoy the hell out of…” Your grumbling was interrupted by an impressive, ear-splitting yawn. “ You annoy the hell out of me.”

“But you love me?” He sing-songed, now back to a hushed tone.

“I hope so, otherwise we’re in a bit of trouble.” He scoffed, but nodded his head, taking the hand that wasn’t cradling Amber to tuck some sweaty, knotted strands of hair behind your ear.

“I do owe Harry though, he was at least able to stay on his feet.”

“He was a better birthing partner than you too, much much less condescending and annoying.” You sniggered, making Tom pout once again, only wiping the look off his face when you yawned again, rubbing an your eye like a toddler would.

“If your done insulting me… get some rest love, I got you.” All you did was nod, with a small groan (because below your waist still hurt like a bitch) rolled over so you could fall asleep to sight of the two of them.

“Got you both, my two beautiful girls.”

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