#i only work 30 hours a week
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Well, at least I have Wednesday off.
(*double checks schedule. It's actually Thursday*)
I'm gonna fucking kill mys-
#vent#I'm so tired#why am i tired#i only work 30 hours a week#i guess thats still a lot but i dont know#i wish i was better at my job but its so hard to focus on the online training and i get nervous doing stuff like changing batteries#and in my defense i dont even think we should be doing this legally because IT'S A FUCKING BATTERY DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CAN GO WRONG#but like yeah#and i wish i hadnt slacked off in spanish because a lot of our customers speak spanish and i could be helping more people if i knew more#...i just feel fucking useless you know
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Doing master studies the only way I know how: Stealing them and making them my guys.
(Barberini Faun)
(The Fallen Angel - Alexandre Cabanel)
(Covent Garden - William Bruce Ellis Rankin)
#obviously. not actually theft...#i was gonna say these are public domain but covent garden actually isnt yet#it will be. in two years.#thats the most different one though like i added a whole new guy..#maybe not the most different. barberini faun is pretty different i just took the post#pose#its barely even a study. thats not true#but. what was i saying.#oh its not theft it's study... the purpose is to learn!!! but also. if im gonna spend like 2 days on something...#its GONNA be my guys#otherwise. idk. i only want to spend 30 or so minutes per study#just to get the notes down and the practice for the skill im working on#i dont get all that much more out of completely rendering a master study. PERSONALLY.#at least definitely not enough to be worth taking 100x longer#but making them my characters makes it worth going all the way!!!#plus it's good practice w like. not just going 1:1 but actually genuinely interpreting whats there so i can manipulate it...#again. personally. this is just how i worm#WORK#youd better worm bitch#uhm... anyways yeah. ive done lots of study but why TF share it LMAO i dont even save it#its just to learn. ive got 1 million other drawings to save and look at later.#once the learning is done it's done its job and i have no need anymore#this is why the only studies i have are from school. i had to save and upload them#well. ok also i dont study as much now BUT in my defense im a full time artist#an hour or so a week is different ok im learning while working too.. i learned how to learn and i do it all the time now#master studies#digital art#my art#illustration#my ocs
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so there's a reason my new job got back to me so quickly about my application and that's bc it's an absolute fucking shambles like actually perfect timing for me to decide to rewatch the bear bc i have never more felt like ive been thrown into a broke on-its-knees establishment trying to crawl its way up the ladder where i am somehow a godsend to them. my old job was crazy and shambolic in the sense that the industry is just Like That but this one?????? insanity. every 5 mins i am questioning what im doing with my life. ive already had a walk-in fridge moment
#so i explained before that there's 3 venues and on my very first shift they had me doing the restaurant venue for 2 hours#which was FINE like i was a bit cautious bc my manager is VERY stressed all the time and the place generally feels like it's falling apart#not the building itself just. the way it's run like it's just got new owners and the previous manager apparently#EMPTIED THE TILLS AND TRASHED THE PLACE like cost them THOUSANDS of pounds and on top of that#there was beef with the head chef and the new owners that meant he left and took the ENTIRE BACK OF HOUSE WITH HIM#THERE ARE NO KITCHEN STAFF ATM. I HAVE TO LIE AND TELL CUSTOMERS WE DONT HAVE FOOD ATM BC OF 'REFURBISHMENT'#WHEN IN ACTUALITY THE /RESTAURANT/ DOESNT HAVE CHEFS. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS#and then the front of house staff are very lacking aside maybe 2 people we're ALL NEW and all of them EXCEPT ME#LIKE LITERALLY JUST ME IM THE ONLY EXCEPTION. ALL OF THEM ARE UNTRAINED#so when i applied with bar training coffee training and very solid waitressing skills they genuinely treated me like a saviour#like i am FENDING off shifts tbh im in a v good position bc they need me too much to get shitty w me if i refuse hours but i can literally#have as many as i want bc they will just give me them. like they're obsessed w me im rota'd for over 60 hours this week#but anyway that very first shift after 2 hours in the restaurant i then walked to the mini golf venue on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWN#and my manager stayed for 30 MINUTES. IF THAT. and showed me around the place + how to close THEN LEFT ME THERE#FIRST DAY HE GAVE ME THE KEYS AND LEFT ME TO RUN AN ENTIRE VENUE. IT'S NOT SMALL EITHER IT'S A WHOLE BAR#AND I HAD TO CLOSE ON MY OWN TOO and ironically the shift itself went rlly well like it was so chill#it was kinda boring but honestly i kinda rated it it's v easy money and the close went perfectly nothing cropped up that i was unsure about#and then. AND THEN. i havent even ranted to my mutuals about this yet bc i was acc so horrified by it but i locked the front doors#and went to lock the gate AND THE KEY GOT STUCK IN THE LOCK. WOULD NOT COME OUT. HELLA VS KEYS ROUND 3927593#my mum even showed up and tried to help me wrestle this thing out i called my manager and he literally told me to just snap it#bc he'd rather a snapped key that NO ONE could get out than just leave it there overnight but bc of my recent house key moment#i was like AM I FUCK SNAPPING THIS KEY. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING. so i had to just leave it and at the time#i was realllyyyyyyyyyy beating myself up but my manager is actually rlly nice he's just stretched v thin#and ive also had time to be like uhh actually they shouldnt have left a random 21 y/o girl alone with the keys on her first day#omg i havent even talked about what happened on saturday. ACTUAL SHAMBLES#LIKE THIS /\/\ ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO EVERYTHING! IM RUNNING OUT OF TAG ROOM! IM GONNA REBLOG THIS TONIGHT W MORE PROBABLY!#BC GUESS WHO IS WORKING A CLOSE LATER AT THE NIGHTCLUB THEN OPENING THE RESTAURANT AT 8AM. GUESS#hella slaves to capitalism
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Undertale yellow flowey embroidery
This took about 40 hours, give or take a few
#I can tell you one thing#Embroidering while having arthritis is really not a piece of cake. When you hand cramps just by holding it at an angle.#At least I can be grateful for my empty schedule#Makes embroidering till the sun rises back up so much easier#Insomnia also helps with this task#I was listening to the ost while working on it and… Live reaction#Occupied turf is so good actually !? Why wasn’t it shown more often !? IT’S FIRE !?#I forgot I only did a pacifist so I got so confused when neutral Flowey came out…#A mother’s love ? Should’ve called this “I’m gonna fuck you up”#The number of time I got my ass handed back to me in this fight is not even funny#The first time is great. The second I only discern my favorites and the sudden change in style. By the third loop I can’t recognize shit#my brain is melting and my eyes are on fire…#Advantages on doing it during daytime. Eyes hurt less. Good stupid tv to listen to in the background Disadvantages. People#Advantages on doing it at night. Alone. Personally work better at night#Disadvantages. No good TV. Time goes by slower…? I don’t know maybe I’m just loosing it with those freaking petals#For reference one petal took me about 3 and a half hours. So yeah… I thought it would never end… Took out almost all my yellow.#When the line tangles itself in the back and you realize only close to the end of it that half went missing#So you have to go backward to entangle it and loose 30 mins because damn it#Cats are not helpful in any of those scenarios#Why do I feel the need to make the back perfect when nobody else but me will know#This is the last time I do one so big without thinking it through#Note to self. Don’t do it standing up when the cats are awake. She just destroyed my stomach#I think i’m losing it#Back after a few weeks#God this white thread is doing my head in… I’m willing to bet my leg half the time I spent on the face was me untangling it.#I’m almost done. It’s finally over. Dark brown took exactly 4 h and 13 mins#undertale#undertale yellow#embroidery#I’m thinking of doing Boris the wolf next. Because I just found the perfect rendition to put on my wall
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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think this is funny. anyway. the Thoughts are back at it again
#just me hi#doodles#Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Characterssssssssssssssssssss#[<- projecting things so hard it's experiencing Physical Effects] Lmao#what if . what if the. the. they. the. you know what i mean ??#LIKE. [stares over your shoulder]#head in hands. what am i supposed to do about this gbfhsbvhf#//btw how is it only a thursday lol#it should be friday. or saturday. the timing is long this week i think !#that's#//<- forgot what i was going to say lol; my previous tags popped up and i think that's fun hfbhvs :3#here they are:#that's crazy!#that's me!#that's insane#that's crazy#that's it#hfhbsfh - i seem to be regularly bewildered hfbvhsf#which. well yea lol#//oh yea guess who's halfway done with those refssssss :3#it's meeeeeeeeee :DD !! i'm almost done !! :D#i am enjoying it a bit more than i thought. the feeling of Have To is a real bog hgfsh#//speaking of bog guess who ALSO got their sleep thing figured out#i may just have busted sleeping habits lmao; staying up til 12-2 is actually so great#i wake up at a reasonable hour and don't feel like a mixture of cement and pop rocks got poured into my body and soul overnight hfbshfvh#plus sleeping in twos is working pretty well; stay up til an ungodly hour one night and then the second go to sleep at about 11 or 12#cuz then i can actually Sleep! it's working pretty well hfvhs :>>#//that and i'm figuring out how to drag myself through stuff w/o some outside force compelling me :33#frequent breaks help with morale (if i don't forget what i was doing while doing that lol) and 30 minute timers are a godsend fr fr fr#//AH i've run outta tag space - ciao from here then i guess hfsbvh !! :>
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#so so glad my professor is cool about me working from home today cause this is SUCH a work from home project for me#in that its very wet and requires many materials and i can only work in 10-30 minute increments before i have to let it dry for an hour#im excited to show you guys probably next week but it is definitely more of an in person experience
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#as if things couldn’t get any worse#the mechanic I have my car at cannot fix the issues with my car#so not only do I have to pay them $700 for a new battery#I have to get my car towed to the dealership so *they* can fix my problem#but the next appointment at the dealership is not until#the FUCKING 7th. of JANUARY#so I’m going to be without my car#FOR NINE FUCKING WEEKS#I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND#JUST SHOOT ME AGAIN LIFE. GO THE FUCK AHEAD.#and before you say ‘just take the bus’ I need you to understand that#the bus would take my twice daily 10-15 minute commute and change it to TWO FUCKING HOURS#and the mall is about to start holiday hours. which means there are nights I wouldn’t get out until 9pm#and there may be days I’m starting my work day at 9:30 am#and of fucking COURSE this had to be during the FUCKING WINTER#and if you’re still thinking ‘wah-wah what a first world problem’#you can fuck right off#I worked so hard to earn myself a car#and I enjoy driving#excuse the fuck out of me if I enjoy the convenience of being able to drive myself around#and the time that buys me to decompress after work#and cook my meals#and do my dishes#if I start taking the bus I will not have that time#and I will not be a nice man anymore#I will become a bitter angry asshole because I’m hungry angry and tired all the time
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I'm definitely not panicking enough about my exams at the end of the year
#yes it's 6 months away#but what are 6 months in the grand scheme of things#though ik once the panic hits my productivity will spike#but i don't like the experience lol#also also#i think I'm a bit out of touch with giving exams?#because we only have one big one at the end of 3 years#i mean i am working 30 hour shifts a couple of times a week so ig that's why they don't keep them#but this is now getting stressful in an entirely different way
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what da heck
#church today. holy heck.#my worship director is pregnant (again)#the youth pastor's wife is not going on the Big Youth Overnight Trip this weekend. she is arranging a ride for me though#worked with that specific sound guy :)#we were the only two people in the young adults age demographic who did not raise our hands when asked to during prayer time#(it was a young adults specific prayer time skskkffnsknf)#I pointed this out to my mom on the way home and my mom promptly replied ''you're meant to be :)''#I promptly told her ''I dunno if I liked that comment'' and she said it was a joke. HOWEVER.#it has been a WILD day and it's only 1pm#EDIT: it's after 3:30 by the time I'm posting this and I have prepped donuts and also dealt with a dog#who is terrified of the stairs into the basement that unfortunately she has to walk past to go outside#oh also the youth pastor's wife asked me to help her out during her ''office hours'' this week bc she has to make a ton of phone calls#so I'm gonna do that I guess#Lu rambles
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Shoes my beloved shoe-shopping my BELOATHED
#it's so stressfuuuuul#my feet are so fussy they'll start fucking hurting after only an hour at work unless my shoes are soft as hell AND fit perfectly#which is hard to find cuz i need WIDE SIZES and those are not commonly available!!!!#& i can't get away with just wearing my perfect little tennis shoes everywhere anymore because i live somewhere with SUCH a wet climate now#so :))) i need boots :))) and the thing about boots is that#they're a serious investment if you don't want them to fall apart on you after a few weeks of wearing them to work 30 hours a week#and the thing avout serious investments is that they make me ANXIOUS#what if i get it wrong!!!! I've been wrong so many times#i get boots thinking they're comfortable enough but then it turns out they pinch my toes after a couple of hours!!!!!#and then that's almost $200 straight down the drain#plus. men's shoes generally fit me better if wide sizes aren't an option. BUT I STRONGLY PREFER FEMME STYLES. uuuuugggggghhhh#shoe companies!!! design more shoes for gnc men and ME please and thank you!!!!!!#and transfeminine folks etc etc#vent post
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work is literally blocking me from getting therapy help
#doctors and the guy i spoke to today: yeah you need help#unfortunately the therapy is only available monday-friday 9-5#and starting next week i work monday-friday 9-5:30 with a half hour break#and a 1.5 hour commute#so. lol. lmao even.#can’t visit the doctors to get my meds checked as required can’t get therapy i love it here!#shut up holly
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hello friends i am back. just had a mental reset in a weird way but i feel much better now so i'm back to being silly goofy on tumblr
#rae irl#i had a very strange time away not gonna lie#i'm not counting the few hours i was here on saturday as being back really#but now i'm back to annoy you all#well sort of. i'll probably be on less next week for work reasons but i'll still be here#anyway accidentally formed a cult while i was gone#also had an entire mental breakdown and drank on a school night#realized i'm the only staff member at my job in my 30s and the next oldest is 5 years younger than me#send immediate assistance my desk mate quit so i am all alone and no one snarks with me#started watching anime again and also finished a book series i've been trying to read for years#there's more but i'm too tired and cold to keep typing#time to go reblog some things
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so not only is my smoke detector's battery still chirping
my ac broke yesterday morning. and it's being super loud now AND im hot.
This apartment is currently over-stimulation station..
#the leasing office DID call yesterday to ask if anyone had come to change the battery yet.#i had kinda hoped that him stopping mid sentence to go 'oh nevermind i hear the chirping' was a positive sign#like “oh yeah it's been a week lets get someone out there to replace it”#nah.#and now the ac is broken too and it's already 81 in the house and it's ONLY gonna get hotter bc it's only 1 pm rn. it's not at peak heat ye#needless to say im not getting JACK shit done besides laying around and being way too hot.#i also can't like. go somewhere. to escape the heat (or the noise) bc i have no idea when they're gonna show up. we do not get etas.#it's just like 'the hours are between 8:30-5:30' which is a pretty fuckin big window#and my job starts at 4 and i work from home most days so even once the window ends it's like . well im stuck here still.#valkris says shit
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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You ever have a customer with a legitimate problem but they're such an asshole that they extinguish the embers of empathy within you with their insolence?
#messages from knave#her name is [redacted] and I've dropped from being her champion to wishing she'd lose internet#in about 4 hours#i felt. SO BAD. for this woman last night. only for her to call and scream at me#when the office phone turned on this morning#she's like 'the weather shouldn't have effected anything' when it was raining half this week#this same woman blew her top that people were late when a fucking tree was blocking the road#i tried so hard to keep feeling bad for her cause we (my boss) genuinely screwed up at her house#but she's made it extremely difficult to keep being nice to her because she's begun inventing problems#like for example#i say 'the electrician is gonna be there between 9 and 10am'#she says 'youre disorganized and confused because he said he cant be here at 9. why are you terrible at your job'#i send her a SCREENSHOT where the electrician says he's going to be there around 9:30#she says 'thats not 9am' motherfucker that isnt what i said. He gave a timeframe of 930ish to 10am and that is what i told you.#between 9 and 10#lord in heaven#i dont know why she hired us again she hates one of our techs enough to remember him by name and ask he not be sent#she's never said a nice word and threatens to sue us constantly like WHY DO YOU WANT US TO WORK FOR YOU IF YOU HATE US#YOU'RE PAYING. GO ELSEWHERE#and i tell her last night 'just so you know we're not done#'we have to come back#and what does she do but fucking call me at 8am yelling about why shit isn't done. ma'am. i told u it wasn't finished#im going to lose my mind#can't even make her my boss's problem because he threw a temper tantrum at the implication something was his fault#and fumbled their text chain so gloriously last night that he wont even share what he said to make her want to sue him specifically#I don't even WANT to know what he said because it'd give me an ulcer thinking about it#i need another job before this one gets sued into the ground#also im sick because my partner works retail and thats about as bad as having a kid in daycare
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