#i miss my middle school friends so much
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It's an odd yet liberating feeling to know these people I call friends IRL (not any tumblr friends 🥰) are temporary. Yesterday, my roommate commented on the way I was walking to the garage - to my car - to drive herrr; played it off like she was joking/mocking me, but obviously there was something about me simply walking that irritated something within her. This is not the first time she's remarked on something so frivolous. I don't want people in my circle who do this. I've already told her I restrain and redirect myself from going off on her LOL. I keep reminding myself that this chapter is a test in patience and character. Wheeeewww, I'm tiredddd
#personal#annoying#friends#“friends”#roommates#life#2024#july#summer#annoyed#like damn let me just live#i miss my middle school friends so much#rip
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JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS (2020) // JULIE E OS FANTASMAS (2011) 1.01 - Wake Up // 1.01 - Enfrentando Fantasmas -> Julie meets the Band.
#julie and the phantoms#julie e os fantasmas#jatp#mine#mine:gif#storytime: when i was in middle school i found myself to be obsessed with julie e os fantasmas (jeof)#and by watching it i have learned some words in portoguese which - later in my life - i have always wanted to learn better#besides that - in middle school i used to wear julie's iconic side ponytail !! i was THE biggest jeof fan like EVER#i used to watch it with my little sister and i would pretend i had some ghosts friends as well - popping out of my stereo (lol)#so... flash forward to 2020. i can't recall HOW i found out about jatp... it's just that i have heard of it and i was like hold on...#does this have to do anything with jeof? so i was super intrigued and watched the pilot and YES!! a brand new up-to-date remake#of my favorite tv show as a kid LIKE WOW. and idk i thought it was somehow underground as the og one ... saw NO ONE talking about it online#until up recently when i got back on tumblr (actually 2 years ago) and i saw there was this LIVELY community of people appreaciating this#show AS MUCH as i was appreciating the og as a youngster.#goes without saying that it was so surprising to me and it healed parts of me that i didn't think needed to be healed. wow. just wow.#i have never posted content for these two bad boys#mostly bcs i was salty that jatp was canceled (ugh) until now!! i hope you enjoyyyyy#ALSO i remember as a kid i was watching jeof on tv right? but i had missed some episodes so i remember LMAO going online and there was this#website (like a random person's own website) that was hosting all of the episodes. my very first experience with streaming series online
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He can't be tied down ... just yet
#beetlejuice#beetlejuice musical#beetlejuice the musical#betelgeuse#musicaljuice#my creepy old guy#I've missed drawing him so bad#as my friend says I've been a 'poor deprived thing'#this same friend also likes seeing 'him tied up and yanked around'#which ya know#I cannot disagree#hence me making this drawing tonight#it's like the eye in the middle of the hurricane that is my life right now#genuinely I'm so stressed!#like so much so I've hardly had time to think about him - which sounds ridiculous I know#but tonight! I draw him and put everything in the back of my mind#I'm so tied up (hah!) with work and life and school stuff right now so I don't know how much I can draw for a bit#apparently it had been 10 days since my last drawing#which wow time#my art
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We need the Weaving-Bloom-Parker-Wood alliance back rn because why did an Orlando Bloom fangirl call me a slur when I told her Elrond is my favorite character
#lord of the rings#lotr#orlando bloom#craig parker#elijah wood#hugo weaving#this is dedicated to my middle school friend Freedom#i miss you so much freedom please come back#why did you call me a slur over elrond though#i never got to give you that Avril Lavigne CD#anyway yeah
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#vent post#suicide tw#my go to response to everything can not be “i want to die.” like great#its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day#being in more pain#and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it#have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation#or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now#im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place#so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.
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you actually believe in “covid learning loss”?
I mean, I used to tutor at risk youth bc they were extremely behind bc of Covid. A lot of parents work full time so kids are stuck at home and most kids won’t just do their school work on their own/without being told, even if there was a parent/grandparent at home didn’t necessarily mean they could fully explain/teach a subject well. Also a lot of parents now just, simply do not parent, or try to teach their kids /motivate them for school, so it puts way more on teachers and school staff.
So yeah, I do think a lot of kids that had to do school online are academically behind and socially behind.
I also was a TA for 7th grade (I did elementary school way longer) and the 7th graders were reading and writing on a 4th grade level, it was pretty concerning. I remember being that age and already writing papers, given they were like maybe 2-4 pages, but it was such an uphill batter to get those kids to write out full sentences and not one word responses.
#ask#the middle schoolers only cared about seeing their friends and I remember this weird charter school I worked at was like a no punishment#no punishment no reward system but we had kids that would always act up and like wrestle and scream and fight#at least I could get the elementary kids candy and stuff from Walmart to motivate them to do their work#lowkey middle school was a headache but i miss some of them#hope they’re doing okay#I miss my old elementary kiddos so much#but working at a school is just so exhausting#anon
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kinda crazy but…
im gay for you
:o no way i’m also gay for u <3
#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot#i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama#because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions#and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time#one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly#and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh#but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher#anyway#i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!!#but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there#so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice#and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs#for robotics if we qualify#which my hopes are vaguely high this year#but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do ://///#and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute#it’s really bad#anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown#idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was
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i think its hilarious i tried to be friends with the other theater seniors last year like. bestie you are the weirdest freak of them all theres no way they like you. why did i even tryyyy. i wouldve been better off not giving a fuck but i ruined prom and my entire graduation. wow.
#theyre all out. doing things.#and i havent gone outside more than 10 times since i graduated. three months ago.#im really surprised i didnt get diagnosed with autism. its the fact i didnt fail school is what#“autism traits dont just appear out of nowhere” yes they do if you stop masking in the middle of covid#i learned very fast how to mask cause my mother is a awful person#autism + anxiety is a fucking hell of a combo#everything is so much all of the time. which is why i stay home and play video games and do nothing else#i do. miss. hanging out with people irl.#but its also the most terrifying thing ever because i cant tell if everyone secretly hates me or not#the one benefit to having a shit home life is that i lacked the energy to care about people at school.#unfortunately when the home life improved my brain latched onto school instead. because FUCK me i cant ever enjoy anything ever#and then since i never learned to properly interact with people cause of covid and shitty friends i fucking failed so miserably#and now i never want to show my face to people i knew in highschool ever again#i hate that miserable ass building and everyone in it#except the teachers i love them. they were nice to me
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floating avatars..... save me..... .
#i know the person behind the dashboard userstyle said they can fix it whenever they get the update themselves but............#it's DISTRESSING to be without them....... my best friends.........#also i miss dashboard unfucker :( i could get the posts to be in the actual middle of the screen (the one good thing about the new dash)#and i also could make the messages box bigger.... why is it so fucking small.......#anyway i know i haven't been posting much (meanwhile my drafts are at 4893 posts.......) but tbh i've completely lost the hang on tagging#and i don't want to post stuff without tagging it's literally one of my favourite things about tumblr!#(i use 'tag later' sometimes for more time-sensitive stuff but i can't use it for everything or it's the same as not tagging at all)#you know what i need? a vacation. an actual month/2-months-long vacation. like back in school/university.#i can't get back into the flow in a weekend!! that's a pathetic amount of time (in which i also have other stuff to do)!!#being an adult is getting in the way of my blogging i'm such a tragic figure#might get a week off in august though so we'll see if that's something#mari talks#blog
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i need a girl to be tomboys with soon. or i will Die
#with a heavy heart i have to admit that i am tired of being a uhm. what is the word for incel but friendship. not friendcel...#Well you know what i mean#been like 3 years of being completely alone save for the biannual meeting i have with my bestfriend#Which is Dopeness BTW<3 but she lives in another city & i miss having someone Regular#someone Regular to MAKE INTO MY ACCOMPLICE#OMG i feel like a friendship cheater RN#caus yeah all my life i only really have one friend at a time ♯PlatonicMonogamist save for ninth grade#when everybody in my class was friends with one another Pretty much. BEST YEAR OF MY LOIF#SO MANY SHENANIGANS. & ! people would always mistake me for a weird effete fag ( which made me genuinely suicidal then )#i miss it so much - that one hag who will not stop talking about middle school years (2) after bac. graduation#^ last time i ever made a friend... feeling really pathetic right now Stares at the ceiling emptily with big blank sparkless anime girl eye#animorphs into a dog & lies down#i know exactly why i am alone BTW ( *in barks that you can perfectly understand* ) i will still lament about this anyway Le Sigh#here are my requirements: female; must be some degree of depraved; VIRGINS ONLY.#in spirit counts for that last one. then you can join my Gangstalking Circle ( smallest one in history )
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seeing photos of a time when i was the happiest and mourning being 14 :')
#and now knowing that my best friend was the lowest she had ever been#i love her so much i want to go back and give her a hug#bc its all gonna be okay!!! shes now doing her masters and is happy w her husband !!!#yesterday i dresmt about her being dead so the timing of my mom sending the pics is great#i havent seen her since november i miss her#ALSO i know most people hated being 14 but that was the happiest time of my life!!!!!#before high school...... having a large friend group........#our 10 year graduation anniversary is this year.........#i love being an adult and having freedom but why cant i be forever in middle school with my friends#nett rambles#shit i havent taken my meds in days FUCK
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Aaahh I feel like a little kid again reading the new shugo chara sequel sobs I always felt so seen in Amu and how she is I wonder if I can still relate to her now it has been years
#sage.txt#also the art style has improved so much#i wanna redraw my old shugo chara ocs#lil sage used to pretend she had some and pretend in middle school she would chara change for certain things in class#god i miss those simple days#i wanna scream about this first chapter to someone sho#so badly#i need friends who loved shugo chara sobs
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r.une is so awesome! he's the kindest guy ever and I always drop by the thieves guild whenever I'm not doing anything just to hear his pretty voice
#ash rambles 💚#and he's handsome!#steal me away 🐉#ugh it's been so long since i've played s.kyrim#or uh. anything other than c.yberpunk#school keeps me busy and#i also got some wisdom teeth removed today! and two other teeth! it's... not the most comfortable! I'm trying to stay chill about it but#FUCK i miss solid food so much#anyways I'll try my best to get some sleep! I'm trying to downplay it but it's probably not a good idea to like. not rest after all that#so yeah if i havent been as activate as of late it's just a mixture of that + school + me trying to platinum cy.berpunk 2077#i think I'm at about 75% trophy achievement? which isnt bad at all#sorry i was talking about r.une#s.kyrim has ass lighting but. his eyes are actually green! i just think he's sooooo handsome!#I can't really kiss since my face is all swollen but i am mentally kissing him all over! he's just such a sweet guy! i know i ship with a#lot of men that are a little rough around the edges but. not him#he's just a genuinely nice guy#(ignorethat hes part of the thieves guild)#oh speaking of I've started to play o.ctopath 2 again. starting to drag myself out of my gaming slump#it's just... been such a crazy last few weeks. with school and life and my mouth... and the roadtrip in which our tire went kaboom in the#middle of nowhere.. everyone is okay but it's still definitely a moment that made me go 'what the hell is wrong with ash's life' LMAAAOO#gonna save that story for the grandkids! BAHAHAHAHAA#oh speaking of kiddos. i've been developing the kiddo for s.eifer a lot as of late! her name is selena + she wields a gunblade like her pap#and just like how her papa has a thing for s.quall (/hj) she has a thing for s.quall's kid LMAAAOO#ah shit it's almost 3am.. I'm gonna go to sleep! i should rest after today#good night my friends#or. well. good morning. since you know. it's so late ajdkahsjq#I'll get back to the regularly scheduled f/o posting eventually <3#your knight until the end 🤍#also also I've been reading john koenigs the dictionary of obscure sorrows and annotating it like the nerd i am. fucking hell it's so good#apologies to all my friends who keep getting spammed with me analyzing it LMAAAAOO y'all are the best
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Seriously need to make more friends or go outside more (both things are easier said than done) bc I am a little bit tired of relying on content creation for attention and connection :(
#idk I think I just miss how accessible attention from friends was in high school and even last year in college#but now I’m an online student and I live in the middle of nowhere so it’s a lot harder to hang out with people irl#and idk I just finished all of my schoolwork for the day and thought ‘I’m really bored and want to talk to somebody etc’#and my first thought was ‘I should work on a new fic so people will comment on it’ 😭#which! I do love comments! but also I need to talk to people outside of AO3 comments yk? lmao 😭#I sort of miss the year-ish long era of COVID lockdown bc I was constantly on calls with like ten different friend groups#maybe it’s my self isolation or maybe adulthood is just like this? idk#I’m moving in with friends next semester so I think that will be good for me#I just wanna make online friends man :( but idk how to DO that except by making fandom content#and hoping somebody likes it enough to slowly incorporate me into their life LMAO#I wish calls/voice memos were the norm in online spaces I’m so much better at those#anyway this is very pathetic to post but whatever. I’m trying to get used to being vulnerable on this blog#not that I owe it to people online to be vulnerable. if anything I should NOT be vulnerable on the internet#it’s just that. I am not very vulnerable period. so it’s better for me to air it out into the online void than to bottle it up forever#ellyposting#vent#ish? just to be safe
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FUCKED UP THAT SOMEONE CAN SEE THEIR FRIEND IN A VULNERABLE POSITION AND THEN USE THAT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE!!! FUCKED UP THAT HE WOULDN'T TAKE KINDLY TO HIS OTHER FRIENDS HELPING HIM GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION SO WE CAN'T HELP AS MUCH AS WE'D LIKE TO. FUCKED UP THAT SO MANY GOOD THINGS WILL BE TAINTED FOR HIM NOW. FUCKED UP THAT HE'LL LIKELY BE SO CLOSED OFF TO EVERYTHING NOW BECAUSE OF THEM!!!!!
#went to bed angry and woke up angry#yesterday was so good because I love my friends but so bad because. this situation makes me so sad.#it's so sad when my friends fucking hate themselves.#and it's a different hate than it was when my friends hated themselves in middle school#like I know how to deal with that sort of self-hatred but this is Different.#and I need to help differently but I don't know How#it's quiet and constant and just little comments that could almost be missed but.#those of us who Did hate ourselves in middle school (loudly and sporadically and yelling about it in the hallways)#we see this quiet hate and I don't know what to do. nobody has ever known when I've hated myself quietly and I don't know what would've-#-helped me so I don't know how to help them.#how much can I hold them until it's uncomfy. how much can I tell them I love them until they stop believing me.#it doesn't help that they're Men. I get how men feel this sadness but I don't know how they can be helped with it#(because again I was never helped with it. I'm so good at helping my Women friends but my Men friends I don't Know what to do)#it's not fair that they're so beautiful and kind and funny and attractive and they can't see that.#and I can't like date them to make them see it because I'm not good for a relationship and one of them is straight and the other just got-#-out of what is a horrible situationship THAT DEFINITELY DIDN'T HELP. with someone I was really close with in middle school and like I-#-didn't Raise them but I was more present and helpful than her parents in middle school and I feel like I raised him.#and I raised him better than this better than hurting your Close Friend by taking advantage of him. using him for the attention your real-#-parents wouldn't give you. leave him the fuck alone.#and like the situation is over but the effects are still present. and will be for a long fucking time.#I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE AND NOT LEAVE THEM FEELING BETTER ABOUT THEIR BODY.#I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE BE SO LOW AND LEAVE THEM THERE. OR BRING THEM DOWN FURTHER.#NOBODY EVER LEFT YOU WHERE YOU WERE UNTIL YOU GAVE US NO OTHER CHOICE. AND EVEN THEN WE KEPT TRYING TO BRING YOU UP.#BECAUSE YOU WERE OUR FRIEND AND WE LOVED YOU. AND WE EXPECTED YOU WOULD DO THE SAME.#HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF HIS CLOSEST FRIENDS. NO HE HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN PERFECT BUT HE WAS IN-#-MIDDLE SCHOOL. HE WAS A BABY WE WERE ALL BABIES AND WE ALL GOT BETTER. AND YOU DID NOT AND YOU MADE THAT HIS PROBLEM.#maybe you just didn't fucking listen to anything he's ever said maybe you were too busy thinking about how you could use him.#but he cares so much for you and he shares himself with you and you don't notice how much he hates?#AND THE TRUST ISSUES YOU AND ANOTHER PERSON WE USED TO HAVE INSTILLED IN OUR OTHER FRIEND.#HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DATE AGAIN WITHOUT BEING SCARED OF WHAT SHE MIGHT SAY ABOUT HIM.
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brb writing an epilogue in which Danny grows up talking to dick sometimes in his head
#the shining#the shining readthrough#s king#Danny: I'm going to el-eh-men-tuh-ree school today dick. I'm nervous but I think it'll be okay. there was a girl on the bus and she shines#a little bit#Danny: hi dick. I had a bad day today. mom says it's something called pee tee ess dee but I just know I really miss daddy. sometimes I miss#the overlook. but then I remember too much and I just miss daddy again#Danny: I start middle school today dick! my friend Jason says that mrs Johnson is haunted but I know she's not. I know I can't really#explain it to him though so he looked at me funny when I laughed. wanna see?#Danny: school was rough today. everyone was thinking so loud when I was taking my test that tony kept coming. I look more and more like him#every day dick isn't that strange? mom says tony needs to help me study if he's gonna pop in during tests#dick several states away every time: I literally cannot respond over this distance except with a vague feeling of love. I love you Danny
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