#i mean she probably has but the joke is funnier if i phrase it this way

[future-crab]

Harrowhark Nonagesimus has suffered more than Jesus. But maybe not more than her girlfriend, Lesbian Jesus.

[stormflower8]

we're back with more south asian!ballister headcanons

part one is here

I did not expect such a positive reaction to part one, so here are some more that I wrote down while going about my day today!

starting with building on what I was doing in part one, relating to the transition to primarily speaking urdu to always speaking english

sometimes ballister forgets english words for things

now, there are two routes you can go with this

either, A, he does that thing where he snaps his fingers a few times to remember

eg, "And then I picked up that," Ballister trailed off, snapping his fingers a few times in frustration. "What's it called? Unda..." he furrowed his brow. Ambrosius tilted his head, "Unda?" he echoed. Ballister waved a hand. "That's the Urdu word for it..." he snapped his fingers definitively, face brightening. "Egg! It's an egg."

or, option B, he just makes crap up

think those videos by Dez the Lez on youtube where she talks about her mother making up random phrases in english to describe words that she forgot (eg. "horse tornado" for carousel)

for example, "Where's my hydration unit?" Ballister asked, opening a cabinet, closing it, then opening another. Nimona stared at him. "Hydration unit?" "You know, the thing," Ballister clicked his tongue as he spoke, as if he was making even a lick of sense. "The hydration capsule." Ambrosius looked up from the book he was reading. "Do you mean a water bottle?" "Water bottle, right!" Ballister laughed, as if it was totally normal to call a water bottle a hydration unit. "Where is it?" "You left it in our room," Ambrosius said offhandedly. Ballister sighed. "Thanks," he said, then left to go find it. Nimona gaped at Ambrosius. "How?" she breathed. "How the hell did you get 'water bottle' from 'hydration unit'??" Ambrosius shrugged. "You get used to it."

both are great options

while option B is way funnier and opens up more opportunities for fics, I think option A might be a little more in character

or he just alternates between the two. that is absolutely an option.

uh, fun fact, I myself have actually called a water bottle a hydration unit before, but I think that's more of me being a dumbass than anything because english is my first language LMAO

chai. ballister LOVES chai.

he is more devoted to chai than he is to ambrosius (/J /J /THAT WAS A JOKE)

if he sees starbucks "chai tea latte" or whatever they call it in his house he is KICKING YOU OUT

ambrosius's favorite hobby is to hug ballister from behind while he's stirring the chai pot and it's a very warm and cozy moment that smells like chai and it is one of their favorite things to do, both during their institute days and post-canon

there was also this one time ambrosius and ballister were kissing (actually, they were probably making out) and the chai boiled over because they were too distracted to tend to it, but the two of them try not to bring that incident up

at first, nimona made fun of ballister for his mildly obsessive chai drinking ("tea?? you're drinking tea?? my god, how old are you? just hop in the senior center now")

then, he finally just forced her to try some, and suddenly he was making three cups instead of just two

and on the topic of drinks,

ballister also really loves mangos, and has fond memories of climbing huge mango trees as a kid and picking them (this memory is stolen from my pakistani dad, shoutout to him akjdhaskj)

this has led to a love of mango juice

he knows ALL the brands. ALL OF THEM.

his favorite is Shezan, because let's be real, Shezan is the best mango juice and I CAN AND WILL throw hands on this

I can vividly imagine ambrosius and ballister grocery shopping and ballister asks ambrosius to go grab some mango juice and ambrosius returns with like the first thing he saw on the shelf and Ballister took the bottle from Ambrosius and examined it. "This one?" he asked skeptically. "Uh, yes?" Ambrosius chuckled. "It was the first one I saw." "This one has a strange aftertaste," Ballister said idly, putting it back on the shelf. Instead, he selected a pack of juice boxes. "These are the best." He then started to ramble about other brands and their pros and cons, but Ambrosius barely heard him. He was fairly certain that, if he were a cartoon character, he'd be making heart eyes at Ballister. Ballister noticed, trailing off when he caught Ambrosius's gaze. He tilted his head to the side. "What?" Ambrosius felt an uncontrollable smile spreading across his face. "Nothing." Ballister watched Ambrosius for another second before snorting out a small laugh and ducking his head to break eye contact. They moved on after that, but Ambrosius made sure to commit the brand name of that mango juice to memory after that.

mango juice is important, alright? bad mango juice is a crime.

this is already super long, but here's one more I sometimes see people talking about

kajul. kohl. whatever you want to call it, ballister uses it.

okay, let me get something straight. sometimes I see fics where one character puts kohl on another, and I just wanna say I could NEVER

for those of you who think kohl is like an eyeliner, it's not. not really.

grab a mirror, and pull your bottom eyelid down. the lower eyelid that connects to your bottom lashes? THAT'S where the kohl goes.

my sister is the one who introduced kohl to me, and she was like "okay storm, you can use mine, but I can't put it on you" to which I responded "wait, why not?" and she showed me where it goes and let me tell you I GASPED in that public bathroom

needless to say I chickened out and did not end up wearing kohl that evening

but enough about me

ballister boldheart is a braver man than me

kohl is cool because it's a culturally, historically, completely inarguably gender-neutral makeup product which is so awesome tbh

anyways he wears it fairly often and it really brings out his stupid gigantic sad wet kitten eyes

ambrosius adores it

nimona wants to try putting it on but ballister is paranoid she'll stab herself in the eye, despite her complaints that she can just "form a new one"

this was, again, so much longer than I expected, but I still have more headcanons! I'll probably make a part three soonish, but until then, enjoy these!

-Storm

[koreanbibliophilegirl]

(Part 2 of incorrect quotes for my dsmp superpower AU ig)

Also forgot to mention last time, I got half the quotes on this post & ALL of the ones on the post you're currently reading from ScatterPatter's Incorrect Quotes Generator!

Welp yeah that's all, uhhhhhhh enjoy??

-

Punz: Where are you going?

Purpled: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there.

-

Tommy: What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

Wilbur: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.

Tommy: Good morning. What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

-

Tommy: Must be hard not being able to laugh.

Techno: I do have a sense of humor you know.

Tommy: I've never heard you laugh before.

Techno: I've never heard you say anything funny.

-

Eret: Go to Hell.

Ant, tearing up: I wish I could.

-

(A younger Phil and teenage Techno talking)

Phil: Jail is no fun. I'll tell you that much.

Techno: Oh, you've been?

Phil: Once. In Monopoly.

-

Eret: God, give me patience.

Ant: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Eret: If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

-

Skeppy: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Bad: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Skeppy: Absolutely not.

-

Eret: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Tina: ?? I think you mean cards?

Foolish: No, she does not.

Eret, pulling out knives: I do not.

-

Purpled: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside.

Quackity:

Quackity: Purpled, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front gate entrance path...

Purpled: (Sips coffee from bowl)

-

Wilbur: Am I going too far?

Techno: No, no, no. You went too far about seven years ago. Now you're going to prison.

-

Tommy: You f*ckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon.

Techno, not looking up from his book: Spear.

Tommy: BLOCKED.

-

Wilbur: You're right.

Techno: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

-

Purpled: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Tommy: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?

Purpled: No! Four to five seconds!

Tommy: Too late!!!

-

Techno: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.

Phil: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

-

Dream: Someone will die.

Sapnap: Of fun!

-

Niki: How many kids do you have?

Phil: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

-

Hannah: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you.

Sam: 10 times 0 is still 0 though.

Hannah: Joke's on you, I can't do math.

-

Ranboo: Do you take constructive criticism?

Purpled: I only take cash or credit.

-

Wilbur: So that's my plan.

Kristin: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.

Wilbur: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.

Kristin: It f*cking sucks.

Wilbur: That's not constructive criticism.

-

Niki: I prevented a murder today.

Puffy: Really? How'd you do that?

Niki: self control.

-

Hannah: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I've killed anybody. I'm not an arsonist. I've never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Sam: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

-

Techno: We need a distraction.

Phil: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Clingyduo, whispering: Our time has come.

-

Ranboo: What time is it?

Tommy: I don't know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out.

Tommy: (Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune)

Jack: WHO THE F*CK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING?!

Ranboo:

Tommy: It’s 2 A.M.

-

Tubbo: What do you think Eryn and Aimsey will do for a distraction?

Ranboo: They'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

(Building explodes and several car alarms go off)

Ranboo: ... Or they could do that.

-

Hannah, trying to ask Tina out: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Connor, hanging upside down from the ceiling: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

-

[Part 1] [Part 3]

[overplannedbutunnamednpc]

Clover: 1, 50

Jesse: 8, 19

Kez (this one is for me 🙈): 9, 23

Leg: 11, 41

Clover:

1. What’s the lie your character says most often?

"Not a couple!" which is SO much funnier to me in the context of has been wearing a wedding ring for him for two years without telling him. Truly I am taking Clover's face in my hands constantly and asking them to explain themself. And they always do, and it's always so much weirder than I was expecting. I'm going into this like "la de da de da I mean I pretty much get Clover" and then Clover says to me "when I made my vows to Honey I also started to consider myself married to him, which I acted upon by starting to wear the ring that I intended to use to propose to him, but in secret". and I WHIP around to look at them. And they continue on their life as if that was some normal shit they just said. I do genuinely find it very interesting as a character trait to have them go “and I’m Always Right” while knowing. “Girl…… no……….”

Again, but they do think this is a joke:

50. What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

I truly don't think you can love someone without also liking them. Clover doesn’t NOT like honey, to be fair—they think he’s fun and they genuinely get along with him most of the time, and even their bickering is more or less always in good fun. But like. Their perception of him is Colored. Which I genuinely don’t think works if you want to actually truly be in love with someone. Clover thinks they’ve got no choice, that that’s just how they feel and therefore they’ll be feeling it forever, which just. Isn’t true, to me. Girl you can leave him. Idk. You’ve done it before and it worked.

Jesse:

8. How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

I don’t think he’s ever said it in game, which tells me he has to mean it! You’d feel like he’d be pretty liberal with it, which doesn’t seem to be true. He likes plenty of people! And he’ll go a very long way for people he likes! But love is its own thing—maybe not something Earned, exactly (up god knows he loves people who haven’t earned it) but certainly something that takes a little more than “accidentally blow up a factory together”. If he felt it, he may or may not say so. But if he says it, he feels it.

19. What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?

Currently he’s avoiding Mag. Which… well, he’d have to have a conversation with her. Very sad. He doesn’t WANT to admit to her that he’s got second thoughts or that he’s very wary of his own new brain. He’s too loyal to want to leave or even really change things, and more than that, he knows that she doesn’t want things to change. It’s not that hard to see that Mag resents losing her glorified handbag, and Jesse’s got some conflicting opinions on actually being that handbag. But why would he tell Mag that! She doesn’t really care, and even if he did tell her she couldn’t materially help unless Jesse submitted himself for a VERY invasive use of her powers that he is genuinely pretty aware that she would probably abuse. So! From the bottom of his heart: 🙈

Kez:

9. Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

Kez is gentle, I think! This is because they’re genuinely pretty easygoing, and also probably because they’re aware that they’re almost always the pot calling the kettle black when someone fucks up. From Kez, you’re probably more likely to get a, “Is that really how you feel?” or a “Maybe not your best moment.” Something that’s more like “I know you know you’ve fucked up already, so let’s drop the bullshit”. Sure, he can get pissed, and he can get mean if he really wants to, but I wouldn’t call that tough love, because it’s more likely to be defensiveness rather than proactive. (Guy who has been thinking about reactions to Day’s promised evil monologue.)

(added after the monologue) GUY WHO CASTS SPELLS ABOUT IT LMAOOOOOO. but to be fair the spell was hold monster. because day was actively walking out. So. I’d call that. Gentler? than (consults notes) chain lightning and prismatic wall? ALSO this is a special case fksdkfjsd

They definitely prefer to receive gentle love? But I think by virtue of again. Being who they are (massive fuckup) they’re actually alright at receiving tough love by this point. And she’s so avoidant that I do think it’s the thing that “works”. When you threaten to never let him see his nephew again if he doesn’t clean up his act, he cleans up his act. You know?

23. What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?

(You just want evil Kez au. I see you, villain. But she ISN'T evil she ISN'T)

Kez only just got good at holding babies and now Teddy was too big for them to pick up.

Didn’t mean that much. Kez was hardly a fitness nut, and even he had to admit that he’d only gotten worse over the past couple years that he hadn’t been running for his life. Fighting gods toned some muscle in a way that peace just didn’t. And. Well. Drugs and parties burned fat and muscle with very little prejudice.

Luckily, the kid was good at toddling around by now, and surprisingly fast about it, too. Which was its own set of problems.

Mental note: Make sure not to be hungover next time Teddy’s dropped off, Kez thought, blinking blearily at the blue-tinged glare of the museum’s lamps through their sunglasses.

“Hey, stuffie, stay near me,” they reminded the little guy for the fifth time in as many minutes.

Teddy, bless him, slowed, but being a toddler didn’t stop. Kez’d take it. Teddy’s understanding of the world was such that he actually kind of knew what he was looking at when they went places, and his eyes were wide like an owl’s. Big and brown got his little ass a lot of old lady cooing. They were also very effective on Kez herself. He just put a little more skip in his own step to keep following.

Aoterra's Museum of Heroics was as legendary as the Sunyth citizens' likenesses it held, and it looked the part. Large halls and marble and glass cases that somehow made even the rusty old shit look just as grand as the gleaming stuff.

Teddy was mostly interested in the swords room when they came here, so Kez took him often. Free tickets - they donated one of their old spellbooks a couple months ago so they pretty much just had to flash a smile and drop a name to get through the doors.

This is where things got complicated for Kezzie. They couldn't pick Teddy up, nor was Teddy tall enough to really see what he was looking at without assistance.

Teddy made a beeline for the biggest swords in the room - the ones that were wielded by giants back when dragons were a much more widespread problem than they were these days. "These things are wider than you are tall, kiddo," they told him. "Why do you like them so much?"

"Big," Teddy answered. "It's big swords."

"So true," Kez replied. "What else? Do you like them because they’re shiny?”

Teddy didn't answer that question, distracted. Kez let it go, resting a hand on the top of his head instead so she could close her eyes for a second while he stared.

This was one of the better ways they found to do this - Teddy was well-behaved, but he wandered some, and Kez would quite literally rather die than ever have to look Callie in the eye and tell her that he lost her kid. But when Kez was hungover, the lights were brutal, especially glinting off all the metal in here.

"There," Teddy announced, his head moving some other direction under Kez's hand. Kez reluctantly opened his eyes - not a good look to use your nephew as a seeing-eye dog just to rest your eyes.

She let him lead her around in much the same manner for the next few exhibits, asking him about the exhibits like a good uncle should. Teddy was happy to talk and just as happy to not answer when he got too into an exhibit, but he was easy, blessedly so, today.

At least, up until he tugged on them and said "That's Daddy's," with such urgency that Kez's ears flicked.

"Huh? Say that again, baby," they told him.

Teddy just pointed, over to a newly-opened room. Kez blinked.

RECENT HEROICS, it proclaims, in paint so red it could still be fresh. Through it? Oh, that's Daddy's alright. Kez can see Arthur's sword through the glass doors - presumably a replica - as well as a morningstar that makes his chest ache a little more than it had any right to.

“Oh,” she said. “It’s not actually Daddy’s, Teddy bear. They made a new one that looks like Daddy’s sword. It isn’t the same one.”

Teddy started towards the doors. Kez, though he felt rooted in place that same way he always did when he wasn’t ready to deal with all the hero stuff, got tugged along as if Teddy was physically doing it.

She snapped out of it when someone came out, clocking and holding the door open for her nephew, and she saw the large diagram on the wall of the planar system.

Well. Planar-system-that-was.

Kez realized quickly that inside was gonna be a whole thing about the separation and who did it and who held it together and got hit with a wave of no fucking thank you so strong that they grabbed Teddy by the shoulder before he got through the doors.

“We don’t have time, Teds,” they told him. “We gotta get going. Maybe next time, okay?”

Next time, when he knew what he was getting into. He didn’t have any problems with people telling the story, he just needed to know when he’d be hearing it. Semblance of control, or whatever.

Teddy, who was probably pretty used to being directed around, did stop at the hand on him, but complained, “I want to see.”

“Not this time,” Kez said. “Next time you visit. That’s, like, a week. You can wait a week.”

“But—”

“Teddy, I said no,” Kez snapped, and her voice was so sharp that she surprised herself.

They’re not all that surprised when Teddy started crying. Gods damn it.

Immediate guilt rushed him, both for making the kid cry and the fact that they couldn’t effectively pick him up to make it better. The best they could do was drop to a knee to give him a hug—one he accepted, which was good, he was always a touchy little attention sponge—and an apology.

“Oh, no, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. You didn’t do anything.”

They rested their chin on his head, looked past him to the exhibit and decided they weren’t gonna offer ‘let’s go in’ as a fix to the crying. Not their circus right now. “You’re okay, baby. I’m not mad at you. That was an accident. Calm down, I’ve got you.”

Kez rubbed a hand over their face and then dropped it to Teddy’s hair. He was calming, a little. He was a happy kid, like that. The tears were more surprised than sad, Kez was pretty sure.

The woman who had held the door open had let it shut by now, and Kez did her level best not to look up to meet the judgement that she’d made Teddy cry. Yeah, lady, she knew already. You try saving the world sometime and being reminded of it even when you’re not asking for it.

“How about we go get some ice cream?” Kez offered the little guy still in their arms.

The offer was twofold, because it meant that the second Teddy nodded his head, Kez could press his head against their chest so that he wasn’t disoriented when they cast teleport. Boom, distraction. Totally different place, totally absent of problems.

“There we go,” he told him. “We’re back at my tower. We can go to the place you like down the street. You okay, buddy?”

Teddy, though he was still a little wet—apparently children were, often—nodded. Kez wiped away the tears on his cheeks and then wiggled her fingers to clean up the snot, a process that made Teddy sneeze and her smile.

“There you go. All better. C’mon, buddy, let’s get you a treat.”

Legacy:

11. If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

I think it slightly depends on how well the impersonator knew her. What I think would be a decent tell is how she’d react to GD telling a joke during a serious conversation. I feel like usually, Legacy plays into that—she’s not very serious, despite her 20 strength and charisma and her 19 AC. I think someone very much could see her look and her resume (killing vampires, demons, cultists, etc.) and assume she takes a lot more seriously than she actually does. I think that could definitely trip up an impersonator.

41. What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?

It came up in game a few times, but Legacy’s favorite comforting touch is playing with people’s hair! It came direct from Baba, braiding her hair while they chatted and Legacy polished her sword or worked on her knitting. Legacy always found fingers in her hair comforting, so she uses it on others, too. She doesn’t know how to braid, but playing with it is almost as good, so hair it is.

[aerodaltonimperial]

(A companion to this ficlet, because I am wild and unstoppable.)

“He’s a freak,” Tony Nese says, with the sneer he’s so fond of and his arms crossed over his chest. He’s leaning back against the wall like he doesn’t have a care in the world. “Just look at him. What normal person looks like that?”

“He’s also a menace,” Mark Sterling offers, though it’s hard to believe much with the brace wrapped around his neck. “He’s taken seriously by management when, what, you aren’t? He’s got everything you deserve to have, and he shouldn’t have any of it.”

Hook doesn’t listen to them.

They don’t pay attention to how closely Danhausen watches him, the way that Danhausen’s eyes light up when Hook enters a room. They weren’t the ones to sit backstage with the bag of chips in their hands, staring down at a birthday bow carefully, lovingly tied, one of the strangest, kindest things Hook has had happen to him in awhile. They don’t see the way Danhausen smiles when Hook can’t figure out a response, can’t wrap his tongue around the words—the way he always allows Hook the space to get his thoughts in order.

++

“He’s, uh, a little odd,” his dad says, which is probably the nicest way he could think to phrase the actual opinion in his head. He’s got his phone in one hand and a coffee in the other, and an expression like he’s not sure why Hook is doing any of what he’s doing but he’ll grudgingly go along with it anyway. “You know. Just…not really up there, maybe.”

“The cursing is a bit much,” Ricky adds. Tactful; Ricky’s sort of good like that. But it’s still not particularly welcoming, and Ricky shrugs. “I mean, he can do whatever, right? It doesn’t really involve us. You can get out once the match is over, Hook, and you’ll never have to look back.”

Hook doesn’t listen to them.

They don’t see the way Danhausen’s eyes glint right before he lands a move no one expected him to, the thing they tend to forget about because they’re so wrapped up in his antics. They don’t notice the way he watches Hook while they’re training together and factors Hook’s strengths and weaknesses into their sparring, the way he never tries to change how Hook fights, but instead adapts around it. They don’t see the way he smiles, at the ground, at his hands, when Hook compliments the way he moves around the ring, a competitor who knows exactly who he is within the ropes, the way he preens as though Hook’s approval carries more weight than the rest of the world's.

++

"He's so weird though," one of the production aides whispers, a stack of papers in her hands. She looks like she's been given the honor of distributing time cues for the show and dislikes the assignment greatly. "I mean, there are a lot of weird people here, but he's…really, really weird?"

The other aide nods; doesn't try to argue. "For sure. I'm always a little afraid he'll try and curse me or something. What do you think he looks like under the paint? Maybe he's even scarier."

Hook doesn't listen to them.

They haven't seen the way Danhausen relaxes after a shower, toweling his hair to keep it from falling across his bare forehead. They don't see the way his whole face crinkles, the way his skin gleams pink after he's scrubbed the paint clean, the way it looks impossibly smooth; the way Hook wants to lean in and run his fingertips across his cheek. They don't hear the way Danhausen’s laugh grows the funnier he finds something, the way he throws his head back with the force of it; they don't see how just hearing it tugs Hook’s mouth into the mirror of a smile.

++

"What a loser," Austin grumbles. He's standing next to the vending machine trying to find change in his pockets, and Hook doesn't bother to offer him any. "Ugh. I'm so sick of his stupid jokes and his dumb names. All he does is make our life worse."

"Ought to kick him out of the company for being so useless," Colten says. He finally takes pity on Austin and hands him some quarters. "What's the point of him being here, anyway? He's a joke. No one takes him seriously. No one would miss him if he left."

Hook definitely doesn't listen to them.

They don't see how open and hopeful Danhausen’s face twists when Hook leans against him, setting his head on Danhausen’s shoulder. They can't hear the little gasp he makes, surprised and excited and happy, when Hook kisses him, works his mouth apart slowly, takes his time mapping out the shudder of his breathing as he exhales. They can't understand the way Danhausen’s hands cling to Hook’s shoulders, the way he holds Hook with so much reverence, the way it seems, sometimes, as though he's constantly afraid that Hook will tire of him and leave.

++

"You've really wasted some of your time, you know that?" Lee Moriarty tells him, running a hand through the short curls of his hair. "You could have been a lot more if you hadn't spent time running around with a clown."

Big Bill nods. Hook wants to punch his fucking teeth in. "He isn't even worth thinking about."

"Besides, he's so selfish," Lee adds. "All he cares about is money and himself."

Hook doesn't listen to them.

They certainly haven't experienced the way Danhausen kisses trails down Hook’s chest, his palms sliding across Hook’s waist, the bare skin, tracing the curve of his tattoo. They've never felt the way it's overwhelming, absolutely maddening, when Danhausen takes Hook fully in his mouth and settles there, humming just because he knows the vibrations nearly tear Hook apart, rattling all the way down to his toes. They've never heard him groan when Hook fists his hands in Danhausen’s hair in a desperate attempt to stave off his orgasm a little longer, tugging because he loves the way it summons a whine from the back of Danhausen’s throat, just needing to hear him, feel him, drink everything in before release runs him sideways like a gut punch. And they've certainly never seen the way Danhausen slides his fingers along Hook’s face after, as Hook is coming down from the high, tipsy and jelly-legged in his most vulnerable state, an impossibly sweet caress that says I'm here, I've got you.

++

"Oh, you have plans?" Jack says. He sounds disappointed, and it's a little unexpected. No one ever really sounds disappointed when Hook turns down invitations. He only ever gets them out of obligation anyway. "I guess I just thought we could, uh, go out and celebrate our win, you know?"

Then he shrugs. "I mean, it's fine. I sort of…well, I sort of get it. He's important to you…right?" It's a question that isn't, because Jack already knows the answer. "You…care about him."

Hook sort of listens to him, but only because he's the first person who seems like he might understand.

But even still, he doesn't know the way Danhausen rolls into Hook’s arms in the middle of the night while he's asleep, unconsciously seeking Hook out like a beacon. He doesn't feel how Danhausen’s kisses linger on Hook’s skin, tiny moments of adoration, seconds where he matters to someone, truly matters. He doesn't hear the way Danhausen whispers against the shell of Hook’s ear as the sun comes up, the sweet nothings that Hook will swear up and down he doesn't need, doesn't like, but prick at the corners of his eyes anyway as he gasps and rolls to give the other more space to continue.

++

Hook doesn't really care what anyone else says, when it all shakes down. He's never bothered to change himself for the opinions of others, and the only one he would do it for doesn't ever ask him to be anything else. Still, sometimes he wonders, wrapped around Danhausen’s torso like a starfish. "Why me?"

"Why Hook?" Danhausen repeats. His eyebrows rise in neat arches. "That's a silly question."

"Is it?" Hook doesn't think so; in fact, he's a little desperate to hear the answer. He thinks he might settle something beneath his skin, where doubt still trembles, cords of fear he wishes would fade away. "But you have an answer, right?"

Danhausen turns to face him, his thumb trailing along Hook’s cheek. It's so fucking sappy. Hook loves it, even when it makes his skin heat. "Of course, it's silly. There was never anyone else, only Hook. That's like asking why the moon is in the sky. Danhausen has only ever wanted Hook."

Hook thinks of the way Danhausen sends ridiculous texts with little meaning simply as a way to keep them connected; he thinks about how Danhausen gives all of the sweet treats he's gifted to Hook instead, but secretly, so Hook doesn't ever have to answer questions from curious onlookers; he thinks about how Danhausen always crawls into Hook’s room, no matter how late the filming ends, no matter how many bruises he's sustained, because neither of them want to spend the time apart; he thinks about how Danhausen writes looping messages on the hotel stationary if he leaves earlier, simple platitudes that mean the world.

Hook mouths a kiss against Danhausen’s shoulder, and smiles into his skin.

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

jam don't you find weird vova's "no one cooks me breakfast" in the interview with olena? like i understand that he phrased it wrong and he kinda meant another thing, but since he said it he probably thought it, i don't understand why people are just joking about it and not making a bigger deal than i think it is, only because he's the president and he is at war doesn't mean that he has to have servants who makes things for him or that he's allowed to say sexist shits like this, i like him a lot and i genuinely support ukraine, but this is such an ick, i hope olena told him how disgusting that is and that he absolutely has to think before he speaks

I don't find it weird at all and I personally don't read that into it. I think, it was not one bit sexist.

People joke about it, because after all, it was a funny slip of tongue and Olena's side eyes made it even funnier. It was a pretty typical comedy moment and lots of people could identify with it. What Ze meant and what he actually wanted to say was clear with the context.

And if one person is aware about the fact that he has no servants, it's probably Ze himself. He's still the President and people work for him, so it's part of their job as assistants, secretaries, whatever to bring him a coffee or his jacket or make him something to eat. Doesn't mean btw that he takes advantage of this and lets people do stuff for him all the time or at all.

Besides all that - we don't know if Olena had a problem with it or not. Considering that she laughed about it after giving him the side eye and didn't appear to be pissed, my bet is - she was fine with it because she knows what he meant. And even if she was not happy with it - that's their private thing to discuss.

And, btw, if Olena is fine with being the one who usually makes breakfast, we have no place to judge her / them or decide how she's suppossed to feel about it.

In my relationship, I also make the breakfast and I bring him things. My relationship / boyfriend is now sexist too, with your logic?!

One last thing: he never said "no one cooks me breakfast". It was "no one brings / makes me breakfast" and he clearly meant that he can't have breakfasts right now with his fam and has no family life with them in general. Something both of them previously have already talked about (even though it was mostly about family life in general and dinners, but the point still stands).

[ask-the-wordsmith]

Any advice for writing comedy (specifically the "style," for lack of a better word, of comedy Epithet Erased does)?

Ooh! Yes! A warning, though: comedy tends to be less funny when it’s explained. So if you’re a passive enjoyer and don’t want some of the fun ruined for you, go ahead and skip this question!

For anon, though, here are some tips on the EE comedy style!

Comedy is usually better if you have a knack for it, but you certainly can break it down into different types and components. The EE style of comedy is very reliant on exaggeration, trope subversion, and multi-punch humor. (I’m sure there are probably official names for these, but I don’t study comedy professionally!)

Exaggeration is the sort of “baseline” humor of EE— EVERYTHING is exaggerated. It’s what makes the world so colorful and fun. Most characters are extreme versions of their personality— think Giovanni or Percy— with very few “straight man” characters to play off of them (Molly or Ramsey). Whatever adjectives are used to describe these characters, they are that adjective ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. This also means that their gimmicks are incredibly important— they don’t even feel like gimmicks so much as a core part of a character’s personality! For example, Howie’s obsession with work. Basically, if someone does something, they do it 120%.

Trope subversion is pretty prevalent in EE, too. Giovanni is the BAD GUY... but he’s also the dorky mom friend who ends up as the main character’s mentor figure (not an antagonist) and teaches her the life lesson of the first arc. Mera is the COOL SECRET FINAL BOSS... but she’s terrible at quippy one-liners and gets flustered easily! Those are traits aren’t usually attributed to those archetypes, which is what makes them fun and funny.

Multi-punch humor is what I’m calling Jello and co.’s improv style, which is “being VERY good at building up on each other’s jokes.” A lot of that improv comedy style translated over from Anime Campaign into EE! If you’ve ever heard of a “one-two punch” in comedy, it’s when a joke has one punchline which is funny, but immediately afterwards there’s ANOTHER punchline that’s FUNNIER. EE does that but on steroids. Almost anytime one character makes a joke, even just a slightly funny one, another character adds to it, and they keep going pretty much until they run out of characters. I’ll give an example of this from NSBH, since it has a scene that I feel demonstrates this concept very clearly and I want more EE fans to watch NSBH:

(Dawn, Quiggly, and Clover are at a bar.)

Bartender: What sounds good?

Dawn: *Cough* Mhm! Uhh! ... Quiggly, you first! (Setting up a potential joke for Quiggly.)

Quiggly: Hm. What do you have in the way of mixed lemonades? Any sort of... exotic berries? Anything that’s not just yellow. (Knocking down the joke by calling back to the character’s gimmick— a love of lemonade.)

Bartender: Uh, we’ve got a— you talkin’ alcoholic? (Setting up the joke for Quiggly.)

Quiggly: HAH! NO! (Knocking down the joke.) Why would I dump POISON in my LEMONADE? I’m no fool!

Bartender: Uhh, well, I guess we just got a shipment of raspberries. So I could probably whip you up somethin’ fruity in your lemon drink?

Quiggly: Mhm, mhm. Do you have any mint? Just like— a mint leaf. Just one. Just a sprig. (Building on the joke.)

Bartender: I mean we’s got some mint growin’ out back, they’s like weeds. (Setting up for Quiggly.)

Quiggly: Yeah, that sounds good. Just gimme like, two sprigs of that and a raspberry lemonade.

Bartender: ...consider it done.

Quiggly, to Dawn: See, that’s how you know it’s going to be a quality drink— when they say they’re going to put some weeds in it. (Knocking down the joke.)

Dawn: [Dawn’s smirking and has her hands folded, kinda leans in for a second.] I’ll take a WATER! (Building on the “non-alcoholic drinks” joke.) ...ON THE ROCKS! (Building on the joke again by using a phrase normally reserved for alcoholic drinks.)

Bartender: Water... with... ice. Right. O-okay. Do you want... any alcohol, or...? (Setting up the joke for Dawn.)

Dawn: NO! (Knocking down the joke.) [Her eyes flash for a second.] But I WILL take one of those weeds stuck in the side of the glass! It’s time to CELEBRATE! (Building on it and knocking it down again by calling back to Quiggly’s punchline.)

...And that’s just the BEGINNING of that scene. It goes on for basically the REST of that episode. The point is, the characters can keep building off of each other for a REALLY long time.

There’s a lot more I can talk about because comedy is such a broad subject (even in EE), but this post is getting pretty long already, so I’ll cut it off there for now! Maybe if someone wants it, I’ll make a part two to this guide.

[kinetic-elaboration]

July 28: 3x01 Spock’s Brain

Today’s ep was the infamous Spock’s Brain. I’d never seen it before and always insisted I didn’t want to but...this is a complete rewatch so I guess I kinda had to.

As predicted, it was bad. Utter nonsense for a premise and the actual execution shot through with sexism. There were some aspects that I did like but most of them have been done better by other eps--and in any case were not worth the ridiculous basis of the ep itself. Honestly, if I were watching all this live, and I waited months for this, I might have wondered if the show weren’t better off cancelled.

But I would have been wrong because the next ep is The Enterprise Incident so! Sometimes you just need to be patient.

This episode is starting out so strangely. Why is the bridge being shot from all these weird angles? And why do the colors seem...duller?

They really can spy on these other ships, huh?

“My name is Captain James Kirk.” Not breaking out the middle initial today, I see.

Chapel going for the drama as she falls down.

Kirk too, sprawled over his chair. (Makes me think of “The chair is, in fact, not bolted to the ground.”)

This honestly reads like a bad parody of Star Trek.

Ridiculous lines include: “His brain is gone.” “His incredible Vulcan physique.” “In search of his brain.” “Where are you going to look for his brain?” “It was taken out, it can be put back in.”

“Spock’s body is more dependent on his brain” than a human’s. Ummmm I feel like there’s something suspicious in there.

The only good thing about this ep is Kirk’s devotion to Spock.

Seriously why does the bridge look so different? Filming it from a different location changes everything.

When Kirk paces in front of the view screen, it really shows off how small it is.

“The spaceship that has Spock’s brain.”

I like these schematics and Chekov’s little presentation here. Also Kirk can automatically put years to all the planet evolution codes or whatever--like on the one hand, of course he can, that’s his job, but on another... what a nerd.

Honestly these people--obviously, they are underground on the ice planet. Obviously!!! I actually do appreciate this scene in general, with the bridge crew working out a problem on the bridge, which actually almost never happens--it’s definitely the best scene of the ep--but still. It’s obviously the ice planet.

Also, I like that Uhura gets to contribute. She thinks outside of the box, asks the good questions. Don’t just look at the outside evolution of the planet--ask about what the brain could be used for, and where it might be.

“Get there, find the brain.”

Oh no, he accidentally called Scotty Spock :(

“High of 40. Livable.” I realize this is a Russian joke but that’s really not that bad lol. Definitely not an ice age anymore.

“They give pain and delight.” So they’re dominatrixes?

“You are small.” Well no need to be mean about it.

Don’t you have a companion?? Love that that’s one of their synonyms for “spouse” or “partner.”

The alien men look like they’re wearing short jean skirts.

“A dead and buried city on a planet in a glacial age.” That’s a good idea. Could have done something better with that.

Chekov’s still stuck on the no women thing, I think.

Why did they dress Spock in a leftover outfit from This Side of Paradise?

McCoy and his stimulants again, waking up the alien lady after they stunned her. Multi-purpose.

“I know nothing about a brain.” Clearly.

So all the women live below ground, and all the men live above...

Ah-ha, they have found Spock’s voice.

“There is a definite pleasurable experience connected with the hearing of your voice.” This ep is almost worth it for that line.

Also Kirk’s face when he hears Spock’s voice.

I like that Spock is still funny. Honestly he’s probably funnier disembodied. This is a very humorous Spock characterization. “That is a practical idea. It seems unlikely that I shall be able to get to you.”

WHAT IS BRAIN.

They’re being quite sexist, aren’t they? “No engineering geniuses here. Only women. None of these women could ever have done surgery on Spock’s brain.” Like I know it’s that they’re obviously (or supposedly obviously) naive and childlike but like combining that with the sex segregated society and the actual phrasing of these lines (WOMEN?? Engineers?? Doctors??) plus Kirk assuming the Controller is a man (who says?) all creates this like definite sexist vibe while watching. Ugh make it stop.

How can Spock’s brain control everything? They’ve only had it for 5 minutes.

“Mistress.” I told you they were dominatrixes.

Oh yeah Captain Sulu!!

More sexist quotes: “What a way to maintain control over a man.” “I’ve certainly noticed their delightful aspects.” Please stop talking; you’re digging yourselves in a deeper hole.

(Seriously though--I feel like the unspoken world building fact here is that the women need the men for procreation specifically, which is why they capture the men, and then control them--using the “pain belts”--to have sex--the “pleasure.” They probably also use them for other labor, given the presence of the male guards and the line “they won’t help us if we don’t control them” or whatever it was. But surely the delightfulness of the women is more than their physical appearance, is what I’m saying.)

What is the commentary on gender here? Women = scary, dumb, and hot?

Yeah, how DOES Spock’s brain fit into this?

Lol at Spock’s empty body calmly watching them all fighting.

“Science will triumph.” A real lost opportunity in the AOS-verse to have Kirk say this after a bar brawl.

“You are a disembodied brain.” I feel like there’s a (McCoy) joke in here about how he’s reached his ideal state.

His body is the building. (I was right, I totally called this plot point as soon as Spock started talking about his incredibly large body and how his brain was still doing things like regulating oxygen. I must say... this is not a bad idea, except for the brain stealing part. Like there’s something in there, the idea of the complex as a body, powered by a brain. Idk.)

So basically Spock is taking another opportunity to insult Bones’ medical skills. Oh Spock, never change.

I feel like Bones is enjoying his Spock puppet, on some level.

“Pain bands.”

Use the Spock puppet, Kirk! Use it to fight the lady alien!

“The controller is young and powerful, perfect.” / “How very flattering.” LOL I can’t believe this is real.

“You took his brain. You will put it back.”

So the alien lady puts on the spiky helmet and now she’s suddenly smart. I hate thissssssssssss.

(I actually do think the idea of old knowledge stored outside of the... brains...of the current generation, for their own protection, as decided by the paternalist elders... is not itself a bad concept. Of course it’s also a concept that other eps did better, like The Apple or For the World is Hollow or even Return of the Archons. Again, combining it with all the gross things they said about women earlier just leaves a bad taste. Even though--even though!!--we don’t know who the elder people were. Like, was this a matriarchal society that saved the women in the underground because they were better? Or was it a patriarchal society that put the women in the underground because they were considered weak and in need of protection? I rather assumed the second, but I think there’s some evidence for the first, in particular, that the story reeks of Sexualized Male Fear. What’s a better combination of hot and scary than a matriarchy of women in short skirts?)

“Got your gun.” (But the other way around.)

“Our need for the Controller is more important than your need for your friend.” That sounds an awful lot like “The needs of the many outweigh needs of the one” and we all know what Kirk thinks about that. That said, he’s really not...engaging with her facially fair argument at all.

“No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.”

Love Scotty’s acting skills. Gotta get this gun back really fast--create a diversion by fainting! But not too much!

I do love McCoy. He’s an adventurer too. He pretends he’s not but he jumps at the chance to discover and learn. He will not hesitate to put himself in danger if it’s for the common good or to protect his friends.

“Put the teacher on.”

Now finally Kirk is engaging with the fate of the society he’s encountered lol. Like, again, he’s not wrong; they’ve stagnated under the computer/controller and it’s not moral to steal from someone else to keep your comfortable and boring life going when you could just do the work yourself, but coming this late, it feels like an afterthought. It’s also weird that she just like stood by and let them take Spock and his brain after all that to do about...not letting them have the brain. Like at the end of the day she was not so inept. Also, they never explained what happens to all the knowledge in the teacher. One would assume they’d have to access it--or not? They’re just to start from scratch? Also legit I guess. And finally... all I can really hear, in the emphasis on integrating with the men again, is “You’ll learn how to develop a society naturally and also about heterosexual sex wink wink.” (Except that as I said... I think they know about that.)

I see McCoy’s regretting that “child’s play” talk now.

“Give priority to reconnecting Spock’s vocal cords.” Yep that’s how the brain works for sure.

Wow Spock really does have to do everything himself. Including operate on himself.

“This Vulcan is telling me how to operate.”

How did he operate without...opening Spock’s skull... in any way??

Not to question the verisimilitude of Spock’s Brain lol.

Everyone’s being so rude--Spock is providing valuable last minute exposition/explanation about this weird-ass society!

It’s always odd when they don’t return to the bridge. Like, they’re not going to collect Chekov?

That was... something.

I liked a few things: any excuse for Kirk to be devoted to Spock; the humor Spock showed; I liked the bridge scene where they looked at the map of the planets; and I liked certain things about the premise of the episode, although, like I said, most of the general aspects (post-disaster society, reliance on computers, etc.) had been done better in other episodes. I liked the look into the Male Brain lol.

What I didn’t like was how outright ridiculous the basic catalyzing event was--Spock’s brain has been literally stolen like??? Are you kidding me? That led to a considerable amount of dialogue that read like a Star Trek parody. Did not like that. And of course, as I said... the sexism. I think I’ve unpacked that enough. It didn’t need to be sexist, and you can explain it in a way that’s not, but the vibe sure was. It was like... well a lot of TOS is like this imo. You can give it an A (or at least a B) for effort, but what comes out is so obviously tainted by the sexism of the creators. Like, for example, how they say they believe in women who are just as capable and professional as men, but struggle to show it. This ep wanted to show a matriarchal society but it wasn’t really a matriarchal society--it was a Freudian dream that was all about the male psyche and what it most fears and wants.

All that said.. the next ep is a D.C. Fontana creation featuring one of my favorite TOS Ladies, the Female Romulan Commander, so I will be receiving a consolation prize.

Also the AOS verse is still more sexist and doesn’t have an excuse I said what I said.

[entropic-introspection]

Of interest to absolutely no one, but she jumped out of my head like peckin’ Athena, so:

OC tiiiiiime~ for someone else’s DnD world because I’m real cool like that, @modmad I wanna thank you again for putting together the Toonkind DnD playlists together because that’s currently my mental glue and it makes my brain go “!!”

The OC is not,  in fact, Toonkind. She’s Reelkind! A kenku, to be precise, which means if she’s at a distance and you squint you might mistake her for a bird-like Toonkind if you flubbed that Perception roll.

Her “proper name” that tends to get used on paperwork is “Will-Whistle-Work”. For those unfamiliar with kenku, they are roughly analogous to humanoid flightless crows, and communicate verbally solely through mimicry. Their real names are often just a jumble of sounds, which are then typically translated into Common in a descriptive fashion. So Will-Whistle-Work isn’t precisely a standard kenku name, but it’s the one she’s decided to stick with while in Toontown, and she’ll answer to Will or Whistle. Or “triple-u”, if you wanna be punny.

It might surprise her new Toon friends, then, to find out that other Reelkind in far-off lands previously called her “Will O’ Whistle”, because that’s a fun sort of pun on what her actual name is. Her actual factual kenku name is a very distinctive sound produced by the Engineer’s pride and joy, his train Will O’ the Wisp, or Willow. The train has an unmistakable whistle, and Will adopted it as her name from the first time she watched one of the Engineer’s films, which featured Willow. Her name is Willow’s whistle, punctuated by the crackling pop of very old and bad speakers trying to go too loud.

As you might guess, Will adores film. She loves the Engineer’s films, oh absolutely, but just film in general is her absolute favorite medium. A lot of films are made by Toonkind over Reelkind, since Toons have natural abilities that let them do some crazy stuff (animation supremacy UwUb), so she’s seen a lot of Toons on the silver screen before ever meeting them in real life. It’s a large part of why she moved to Einquell and Toontown, to get closer to the movie making process as well as because it seemed like the sort of place where people weren’t about to look at her funny because she had feathers.

She hoped to be an actor when she was younger, but in her old age of 18 (kenku do age faster than humans, so she’s comparitively mid-20s), she’s sort of resigned herself to working backstage. While her physical acting is up to par, she has been made very well aware by multiple people that her vocal “deficiencies” make her a poor choice for any sort of major role. She can mimic anyone and nearly anything perfectly, but she can’t actually speak in her own voice. She tried getting around this by having someone read phonemes aloud, but the end result is very flat and Microsoft Sam-like (think Moonbase Alpha). If she were to be an actor, she would essentially be a body double for someone else’s voice. Or she would have to essentially “steal” someone’s voice, whether or not they knew it.

Still, she’s actually quite happy at her current job- working at the Dodo Studios! Sure, she was hired on by DJ Mooves, and she’s absolutely too embarrassed to talk to the Engineer or ever go look at Willow, but Dodo Studios! Do you even know what sort of films they’ve turned out in past years? And now she’s a part of that?! Thanks in part to her kenku abilities but also her own hard work, she serves as one of the chief Foley artists. Even movies that are more of a music video need background sounds, after all!

Her class (probably, I have never played DnD) is an Artificer, which is the secondary reason for her name. Willow is a gorgeous piece of work, and Will absolutely wants to run her hands all over her and elope examine that beautiful piece of engineering and set design. You can absolutely see her perk up any time the train is as much as mentioned. She likes to tinker in her spare time, and she’s pestered the owls and penguins until they started teaching her about the cameras and other technology used in movie making. She’s drawn up a few plans for possible improvements (those broom cams are brilliant, but are there better ways to stabilize them? What about if-) but she’s unwilling to push herself or her ideas forward. Trying to give long explanations or convincing arguments is hard when you have to first check your memory for phrases said in the proper tone to give the emotional cadence you want.

And that’s mostly it for Will-Whistle-Work! She’ll whistle while she works, but not on set because she is a professional (and like all actors, slightly superstitious). She does like to call people not by their names, but by either their “catch phrases”, such as Snailien’s “Hello! Hello!”, or a joke, like referring to Larry with the dueling banjos theme. She also loves Toons because they make much funnier noises than humans, and also Grawlix is hilariously good fun to try and mimic. They also catch on faster to when she uses sound as an emotional or environmental queue, such as using the sound of a boiling kettle to indicate anger or embarrassment.

[thewebcomicsreview]

Tonight on Legend of the Hare: Rasslevania! 

This was originally supposed to be a birthday, but then I thought of the phrase “no holds barred mitzvah” and changed it last second. do like that Jill and Riley both don’t actually know what a bar mitzvah is. Given that the next few pages portray the event as taking place in an arena (?) around a wrestling ring (??) and one of the people in attendance is a music industry scout (?!), it’s also possible that I didn’t know what a Bar Mitzvah was, or at the very least didn’t bother to change any of the later pages to account for this change. This is a really stupid plot point! And it also means that the band is tempted by money at a Jewish event, which is one of those things I probably should have stopped to consider the implications of, but I clearly didn’t consider the implications of anything I was doing on any level. In the aborted LotH Version 2, this whole scene was going to be an actual birthday party, and Riley would sing a song that would be way inappropriate for kids and the family would kick them out, which Riley would blame on Jill before Peggy showed up an arrested them all. It would be at the police station where the rabbits first appeared, and V2 was getting very far from V1 before I gave up on it.

There’s something very Scott Pilgrim vs the World-y in those first three panels, especially Jill’s band being a retro gaming reference. Who came up with that name, anyway? Also, wow, I just told Carlos to draw a generic indie wrestling poster and gave him a sample of one, but I totally passed on a chance to put a joke on the poster. Missed opportunity, past me! Also, using “Goldstein” as a generic Jewish name, bluh.  That’s lazy, it should’ve been a funnier name. If it’d been, like, “Rick ‘The Rack’ Ruckus presents: His son’s no-holds-barred mitzvah” then there’s a little character in it, the idea that maybe it’s the dad who likes wrestling and not the kid, which gives me an opportunity to have a joke later about the son being bored and also kind of helps explain why there’s no actual Bar Mitzvahing going on. You can tell how much I’m feeling a page by how much effort I’m putting into finding these spaces for a joke. In a perfect ideal word, a writer should spend as much time on a page as the artist, going over every line and background detail and trying to find ways to get as much mileage as possible out of every panel and taking every chance for a clever joke. Obviously, this doesn’t usually happen in practice. But it should! It’s very easy to pop out something passable in ten minutes as a writer in a way an artist can’t, but you should hold yourself to a higher standard and even now I don’t do that as much as I should.

Panel 3 looks like a generic alley, but I actually took a photo of an alley in Boston I liked and had Carlos use it as a reference

I’m not quite sure why I found this image so striking, but it adds a little to the sense of place that this alley has a brick road instead of a paved street, and is one of the very few visual clues that this comic takes place in Boston and not Generic City, so it was worth the time to photograph. Also, hey, that’s Eoin in a trenchcoat reading a newpaper in the background of paper three there. The original opening to Legend of the Hare would have had Trenchcoat Eoin (back when he was called Teporingo) and Mary Farrier at Doink Burger scoping Jill out as a potential rabbit champion. This never got past the first draft stage and mostly revolved around Mary being a hyper child and not focusing. Interestingly, the script I have for that opening establishes Legend of the Hare as being set in Oregon. I wonder why I set it there originally, given that I’ve never been. It might have just been a reference to Gravity Falls?

Anyway, this is the first appearance of Riley, and note that even this early he’s making fun of Jill behind her back. Old man Starflower seems to just accept what Jill is saying as normal, which looks like a joke but is also foreshadowing, since Starflower knows a bit more than was ever shown to the audience. Sadly, it never comes up in the comic because everything’s a mess, but Mary Farrier the horse champion is Starflower’s daughter, and it was through him that the rabbits learned of Jill. It’s all connected, but offscreen because I wasn’t doing anything properly.

The Lore Post for this page will be of grave importance to a few people: It’s the first appearance of Helen Alvarez, the Rooster Champion and surprisingly popular minor character! Helen doesn’t actually appear on-panel for like 40 pages, and by then she’s very clearly sick of all the “cock” jokes, but she seems to be in better humor about it here:

Dear Diary,

I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but if you’re reading this now, hi.

So today was odd. I skipped school and then a bunch of Roosters flew me off to Cock-Narnia. Little bit unexpected, that twist. They gave me the whole “Chosen One” spiel I’ve seen in a million fantasy novels, though they didn’t seem to know who actually chose me or why. They offered to let me go home, but I told them nah. Even a crappy Harry Potter LARP thing run by birds is better than Mom and Brad. And, honestly, I wasn’t going to make a better career choice than being the “Lady of Cocks”, so I might as well get on the Cock while I can. Got the tattoo and everything. I’m sure that’ll stop being funny any second now, but I’ve only been here a few hours so I’m going to ride the cock train just a bit more.

The cocks – there it is, this is old -the roosters are not very smart. Which I guess isn’t surprising, because they’re birds? But they can talk, so you’d think they’d be smarter than normal birds. And maybe they are, but they ain’t shown signs of it yet.

I tried to get some details on what my Cock Destiny (okay, one more) was, but no one was able to answer me. Kind of defeats the point of having a prophesied destiny if it’s a mystery, doesn’t it? If I wanted vague promises of future greatness, I’d see the guidance counselor again.

Isn’t that life, though? In that….um…..you never know what you’re gonna get? Or something? I dunno. I really don’t know anything. Supposedly once I sign up I get all kinds of magical girl superpowers, but I don’t feel very super right now. I mostly just wanna lie down. Such hero. Very amaze.

Actually, lying down sounds like a great idea right now. I need to stress over all my decisions today. I’m gonna go do that.

How was your day?

Holy hell, you can tell this lore post is old, there’s a doge reference.

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #4 (1992)

Ultrahumanite exhibits all the characteristics of a man happy to be reunited with friends: cheerily laughing, bright happy expression, hands on hips, weirdly-shaped massive hard-on.

Forgive me for the erect penis joke but I felt it was in the tradition of Grunion Guy. You might find it funny if you knew how uncomfortable it made me to type it and how worried I was for a second that my mother might see it. But then I realized that if my mom saw it, it would mean my mom read Grunion Guy's blog, and then I almost threw up. That would be so embarrassing! Normally I would be on the side of the Justice Society of America because they are the good people with the good values. But how good are their good values if they are trying to stop a job creator and upstanding corporate citizen like Ultrahumanite who is just trying to run his Ultragen business the best way he knows how: with stormtrooper bodyguards to defend labs where they experiment on animal-human hybrids? Anything that hurts corporate profits is a bad thing for capitalism and the Justice Society of America should know that, being that they have "America" right there in their name. Although they also have "Society" in their name and that is a bird whistle for socialists. The bird whistle is the dog whistle of the left because it is more pleasant to listen to and it isn't aggravating or obnoxious and it makes the world a better place for everybody (except people who hate birds and probably own guns to shoot those stupid birds. Stupid birds. So dumb).

Oh no! Nobody warned these old timers that we aren't doing prison rape jokes anymore!

Wildcat has some great words of wisdom in that previous panel. It is the most scienciest science statement I have ever read (unless it was the mathiest math statement): "If X did not happen, Y would have happened! Thusly I have proved we are better than you! QED! In your face, Ultrahumanite!" Whenever I would lose a game of Dungeons & Dragons with my friends Bullpup and McGroover, I would say, "Oh yeah? Let's see you make a delicious sandwich!" Then they would back down and they would be all, "Yes, you are correct, Pickle Boy. You are the better friend with the most useful skills and we are only good at pretending to slaughter Kobold families for copper coins." That's pretty funny if you realize Dungeons & Dragons is about adventurers invading the lairs of creatures to steal their material possessions! Doctor Mid-Nite does not quip with the others because he might be dead. Do not forget these guys are really old! It does not matter how many muscles they have or what kind of cardio breathalyzer tests they can pass; they still have super old bones and a lifetime of clogged arteries. One slip or the slightest bit of extra exertion could mean Stroke City or Brokenhipsville for these cool cats! That is old person slang! It is very humorous!

Now they goof on his stutter? I am beginning to wonder who the real villains are in this story!

Look how happy the Ultrahumanite is! And these old guys have been nothing but bitter, cynical old winds from the butt! Plus he is a successful businessman and scientist who has created life! It sounds like he has turned over a new leaf now that he no longer has to steal bodies. I am not ignoring the laboratory full of hybrid creatures; I'm just going to assume that they were all volunteers until it is proven otherwise. You cannot go through life never eating the buttered bread that fell on the floor buttered side down! Ultrahumanite decides to recount his past for some reason. This made me laugh because I was thinking, "Yeah! They are old men. They cannot remember stuff from so long ago and also they have enlarged prostates!"

But which is actually worse: making fun of somebody's disability or sympathizing with Nazis? I've got some hard questions to answer!

Some things are unforgivable but one thing I think we can all agree to forgive is a hot woman who sided with the Nazis.

How does a huge ape body reflect the Ultrahumanite's desires? Please do not answer, "He loves to copulate with monkeys," because that's what I an suggesting by the question and you would look like one of those fools on Twitter who thinks they are hilarious by restating somebody's joke in a less subtle manner.

Ultrahumanite continues to explain how he became such a pillar of the business community. It is as boring as you would expect a PowerPoint presentation from a business man would be. That was probably the joke! Why is not the trademarked name "PowerPoint" two words? If you are going to bother capitalizing the second "P", you might as well just separate the words. Maybe it was somebody's online name when they were fourteen years old. It is always a smart decision to just run the two words together rather than separating them with an underscore. And it is easier to read when the second word is capitalized (as opposed to every other word capitalized or just the consonants. I do not understand young people). Nobody remembers to put underscores in when searching for a name online!

"Ultrahumanite! You are experimenting on innocent people, ruining the environment, causing unknown amounts of damage to the populace of every city where one of your labs operates but Ted Grant and the world just want to know one thing: was that hot Nazi body the real you because 'Rrrrrow!'"

You think I am making a joke but I don't joke about things that I don't joke about and one of those things is that Ted Grant has previously expressed interest in cultivating an intimate relationship with hot Nazi Ultrahumanite. Specifically, he said earlier that she "swept him off his feet." He only used that phrase so Al could make a joke about how they were hanging upside down so the sweeping off of feet is still happening. But I think, in his heart, he wanted to say, "She made me spontaneously become a man every time we wrestled. Is that okay under the Hays Code? Can I get away with that amount of innuendo?!" The Ultrahumanite has to go deal with The Flash who has literally suddenly appeared. Weird how the word "literally" is never actually needed when it is used properly. I guess using it in a hyperbolic and exaggerated fashion is really its only job. While Ultrahumanite is gone, Doctor Mid-Nite "double joints" his wrists to escape. I'm pretty sure Grunion Guy's wrists were double jointed by the amount of times he wrote about masturbating. He was a crude jerk but I still hope he rests in peace in that pauper's cemetery down by the toxic sludge factory. Doctor Mid-Nite takes on the guards while The Atom and Wildcat rush out to save The Flash who is The Flash and almost certainly does not need saving. While Doctor Mid-Nite is beating up the guards, he suddenly becomes a stand up comedian. Was I wrong to assume he was an actual doctor? Is that just his stage persona? I would tell you why his jokes were funny if they were but I cannot figure them out. Why is this an old joke (and if it is, why would he even retell it when it is nonsense): "I know you're out there because I can hear you breathing"? The Flash gets encased in some living green goo that absorbs heat and kinetic energy which might also be a definition of heat? I'm just a sandwich maker slash writer's assistant who has never once showed an ounce of curiosity about the real world so forgive me for languishing in my ignorance. At least I own a thesaurus. Back in Gotham City, Jesse Quick appears for a page or two to remind everybody that she exists. "Hello! I am the hot daughter of the infomercial guy! I have also deluded myself into believing a mathematical equation gives me super speed! It makes no sense!" Jesse takes some papers proving that Ultragen is breaking laws so the JSA has the right to beat the crap out of its CEO. For comedic effect, they have a little more confusion over Ultrahumanite's pronouns (which, to be fair, he has not expressed any preference for and doesn't seem to mind using whatever pronouns match the gender he seems to be expressing) before rushing off to punch her in the face. I don't know what pronouns to use either but she was a super hot Nazi so let's just go with that one.

See? She is a scientific genius!

At first I was all, "Oh, big deal! So The Flash is trapped in goo!" And then the Ultrahumanite was all, "You cannot breathe without oxygen!" And then I was all, "Oh no! I had not thought of that! Somebody save him, preferably an old guy from the JSA or I will feel cheated out of my hard earned buck twenty-five." I keep laughing at that previously scanned panel and how Wildcat and The Atom are hiding behind trees the way characters do in comic strips. So ridiculous! It is even funnier if you remember that they are old men! I bet you are laughing a lot more now! Doctor Mid-Nite arrives because he "smoke bombed" with his previous stand-up gig. Get it?! If you understood the play on the word "bomb" there and that I meant the fight against the guards when I said "stand-up gig," you would be cracking up like crazy!

Yeah. A smoke bomb! We all know that is where he keeps them!

The Flash breaks free and Doctor Mid-Nite punches Ultrahumanite in the nose, breaking it. Ultrahumanite is so vain that he falls to the ground, defeated! And that is when the Calvary arrives! That is funny because I used the wrong word and now you are picturing a crucified Jesus riding up on a horse to save the day instead of Green Lantern, The Flash, and Jesse Quick arriving on a Green Lantern construct! Justice Society of America #4 Rating: A. I have not read as many comic books as Grunion Guy but this one seemed pretty good in comparison to the ones I have read, like WildC.A.T.S. #1 and pick any issue you want of Youngblood. One more "What gender is Ultrahumanite?!" joke for the road!

Alan felt this was the kind of thing a heterosexual would say. It's funny because he "New 52" comes out of the closet later!

[geejaysmith]

Kat and I have amazing conversations sometimes and I felt they had to be shared. Also, alienfuckers, dad jokes, Maxwell’s alternative lifestyle and other headcanons, and Ace Attorney: Doug Eiffel edition. Full transcript under the cut.

Gill [Yesterday at 6:05 PM]: On an Unrelated topic: after the finale the crew remembers "OH YEAH, EIFFEL ACTUALLY HAD A FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATION WITH ALIENS" and now in addition to all the other reasons to want him to Remember they're really freakin' curious to know how that went

Kat [Yesterday at 6:11 PM]: Minkowski: so what did they look like Eiffel: me (They do seem to like his body, they had a few models to choose from when talking to Cutter.)

Gill [Yesterday at 6:13 PM]: Eiffel, probably: at least the aliens think I'm cool I know what was meant by that but your phrasing made me think "In a shocking turn of events, it is the aliens who are attracted to the human." The aliens... are alienfuckers

Kat [Yesterday at 6:17 PM]: I don't think that's their jam but that WOULD be just his luck

Gill [Yesterday at 6:18 PM]: It is unlikely, but also: it would be hilarious

Kat [Yesterday at 6:21 PM]: the aliens keep sending me mental sexts and i crave death

Gill [Yesterday at 6:22 PM]: And lo another shitpost transforms into a fanfic concept, like a humble irradiated lizard becoming Godzilla: "would you fuck your clone?"

Kat [Yesterday at 6:28 PM]: leave him alone has the man not suffered enough

Gill [Yesterday at 6:28 PM]: No

Kat [Yesterday at 6:29 PM]: sigh

Gill [Yesterday at 6:29 PM]: Dance for my amusement, Douglas And also because I earnestly suspect that in the case of Eiffel and an interested alien-consciousness-in-the-form-of-a-Xerox-copy-of-him the answer would end up being "yes"

Kat [Yesterday at 6:34 PM]: idk i feel like it'd be more like "Oh what you spend two fucking years trying to drag us into the star because you can't be assed to make an appearance but you'll teleport across the galaxy for a booty call? Fuck you and I mean that figuratively" later sluts

Gill [Yesterday at 6:36 PM]: Bob is a bad datemate Is this entire train of thought brought on by the fact I still think of the person who expressed they shipped Bob/Eiffel in the tags of the "Take your double to Disneyland" post? Perhaps

Kat [Yesterday at 6:39 PM]: i don't know that you can have this at the same time as 'what if the aliens' bodies are still the people suppressed' without it getting Fucked Up but that's your perogative I guess as long as I don't have to hear about it family can't walk w me tonight so i need to hit the treadmill for a bit. ttyl

Gill [Yesterday at 6:41 PM]: See u in a bit! But ah yes, I hadn't thought of that til you brought it up Points at one explanation of Dear Listener manifestations for some ideas, points at a different explanation for ideas that would become unintentionally Pretty Fucked Up under the first explanation Although there is comedy potential to be found in Eiffel and Eiffel-2 having the "are we down with this" conversation In the /Justin McElroy voice, "someone just discovered they have ~the world's worst fetish~" sense

Kat [Yesterday at 7:33 PM]: a different terrible concept: eiffel with his pop culture references restored will likely be called upon to testify at the united nations

Gill [Yesterday at 7:37 PM]: O h  g o d Ace Attorney: Doug Eiffel edition

Kat [Yesterday at 7:46 PM]: i mean they're gonna have to tell the world SOMEHOW and i'd think the international court would want to know and he's the one with the subconscious recall implanted sidenote if the DL can do that mental transfer could they have just... asked them to reupload whatever their most recent scan of eiffel was there are so many ways around this that's why it failed to get much of an emotional rxn from me

Gill [Yesterday at 7:47 PM]: Minkowski and Lovelace trying to get him to practice his testimony bc if they hit enough subconscious recall triggers they can at LEAST get thru an explanation of the aliens without Eiffel going off into a tangent Once they're off the Dear Listeners' script though all bets are off

Kat [Yesterday at 7:48 PM]: here's a list of preplanned questions your honor we're not responsible if you ask anything else

Gill [Yesterday at 7:51 PM]: Eiffel, maybe: now Goddard didn't send up us there to bring home any xenomorphs but let me tell you, with the Decima project? They might as WELL have let a facehugger get up close and personal with me The translators rapidly swapping notes on late 70's sci-of cinema because a handful of them actually know what he's talking about

Kat [Yesterday at 7:54 PM]: Minkowski headdesking behind him Eiffel English isn't most of these people's first languages

Gill [Yesterday at 7:57 PM]: The news cameras are all dead-focused on Eiffel. He's hit his stride and is picking up steam. "And it was right around the time I was coughing up my liquefied respiratory system that I thought to myself, gee, I'd MUCH rather get a face of alien wing-wong than deal with this!" Minkowski is off to the side. She is visibly restraining herself. No poker face in the world can hide how hard she is longing for death. Whether it is hers or Eiffel's is a subject of contentious debate.

Kat [Yesterday at 7:58 PM]: someone at an elementary school: hey Garcia, is that your dad

Gill [Yesterday at 8:01 PM]: Anne, who was four the last time she saw her father in person, gets one look at the man weaving an intricate Star Wars metaphor out of crimes against humanity and recognizes him instantly, but signs back "I have never seen this guy before in my life."

Kat [Yesterday at 8:04 PM]: good call kiddo

============

Gill [Yesterday at 8:10 PM]: Honestly I love the concept that no matter how much Eiffel may drive them up the wall sometimes the rest of the crew would meet Anne and immediately be ready to kill a man for her sake

Kat [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: as far as we know he's the only crewmember with kids women in the military... it wouldn't be easy even if you wanted one, which idk if any of them did

Gill [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: Wait wait, brainwave: it is actually AMAZING that Minkowski had no idea Eiffel had a child because... does he seem like the kind of guy. Who would ever resist a Dad Joke.

Kat [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: haha fair

Gill [Yesterday at 8:16 PM]: Eiffel: Actually, I have amazing self-restraint when I choose to exercise it. (Various noises of disbelief.) Eiffel: have you ever heard me tell a dad joke? No? I rest my case

Kat [Yesterday at 8:21 PM]: biggest plot hole of the series more like it was too painful a memory but still

Gill [Yesterday at 8:22 PM]: If he ever patches that connection it'll open the floodgates

Kat [Yesterday at 8:26 PM]: He'll become the Maes Hughes of the gang, except with fewer war crimes

Gill [Yesterday at 8:27 PM]: ...has anyone on this crew done war crimes? SI-5 excepted of course, they have obviously done war crimes

Kat [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: yeah SI5 is war crime central I'm not sure about some of the other stuff executing a prisoner? idk about Minkowski

Gill [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: Also my thought

Kat [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: she wasn't a formal pow though it was an ongoing engagement I don't know the rules

Gill [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: Minkowski Has Done One (1) War Crime (Goddard Futuristics attempts to bring that against her in the court case only for Maxwell to stroll in like lol what's up gang)

Kat [Yesterday at 8:37 PM]: does Goddard in its current incarnation last long enough to sue anyone i mean i think you could sue them for attempted genocide

Gill [Yesterday at 8:38 PM]: Look I have had one semester of business law You were the one who almost went to law school Also re: other characters being parents, the only one I could see going kiiiinda either way on the subject is Lovelace and it wouldn't have been terribly high on her priority list prior to the Hephaestus mission I can see characters having the opinion that they could see Minkowski as a mom but she and her husband both strike me as understanding themselves and one another as being more career-oriented

Kat [Yesterday at 8:44 PM]: yeah if she wanted to rise in the ranks of the military... that would probably be a strike against her

Gill [Yesterday at 8:44 PM] And the implication she's got a Complex about her parents having both left promising careers to raise her Also, Lovelace: Well I always said I could see myself settling down someday, maybe have a family if I met the right person, but when I took the job with Goddard it was legally dubious whether I could actually do that- Eiffel: Because you're an alien? Eiffel: Eiffel: ...wait a sec

Kat [Yesterday at 8:54 PM]: ha It's ok to be gay in space

Gill [Yesterday at 8:56 PM]: Alternatively it's Hera who said that bc didn't connect those dots right away, meanwhile Eiffel saw Lovelace in a flannel shirt once and Knew Immediately Eiffel may be dumb but somehow his Bi-Fi has yet to fail him

Kat [Yesterday at 8:59 PM]: Hera doesn't grasp  human sexuality nuances

Gill [Yesterday at 9:01 PM]: Funny addition to above thought: Eiffel put together that Jacobi was gay after like three days on the Urania, was the only one on the Hephaestus crew to do so, and just never felt it was relevant to bring up Hera, my child... you have much to learn (Also, Hera, probably: I'm experimenting at the moment, I'm looking for a torrent so I can download lesbianism)

Kat [Yesterday at 9:04 PM]: I don't know which option is funnier, that Jacobi is just Really Fucking Obvious but Eiffel was the only one paying attention or that it was super subtle and everyone's like How Did You Do That lovelace's righteous fury overwhelmed her gaydar, she was too mad to go 'same hat'

Gill [Yesterday at 9:07 PM]: Eiffel: I have something to confess to all of you... Jacobi: Eiffel literally not a single person on this ship is straight Eiffel: Oh I was just going to recount a PG version of my wild younger days, let's just say I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:07 PM]: Jacobi on Earth: Just matched with myself on Grinder a-fucking-GAIN

Gill [Yesterday at 9:10 PM]: Jacobi: Oh I definitely picked up on it but who wants to go playing into stereotypes by speculating on what may or may not be a promiscuous history? Eiffel: Promiscuous? Look I've got notches in my belt but mostly I just ended up laying in somebody's bathtub at a house party while just conscious enough to nod along to someone else's relationship drama. Eiffel: to several sororities, I was the Gay Bathtub Wizard.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:11 PM]: Maxwell on day one of orientation: So if SI5 is paramilitary what's their stance on alternative lifestyles? Jacobi: I was recruited in a gay bar.

Gill [Yesterday at 9:12 PM]: Her asking the question has my brain going in several different directions

Kat [Yesterday at 9:13 PM]: I think she was recruited right after dadt was repealed... if obama exists in this universe fantasy obama

Gill [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: One part of my brain: Maxwell is also gay Another part of my brain: Maxwell is exclusively attracted to nonhuman persons Yet another part of my brain, most adjacent to number #2: Maxwell voice, who in their right mind would build a robot that can't fuck? The 4th part of my brain: Maxwell wants to know how chill they'll be with her living exclusively off energy drinks and frozen yogurt for weeks at a time

Kat [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: honestly I figured whatever it was it was MUCH weirder than just being gay

Gill [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: Maxwell: I have plans to take over the world with my army of battle bots and rule as their robot queen.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:16 PM]: Maxwell: wait if you were recruited in a gay bar does that mean our boss frequents those or did he just go there to get you Jacobi: Believe me the question haunts me also Jacobi: sounds great i'm in

Gill [Yesterday at 9:16 PM]: Or, Maxwell: I am not joking for an instant when I say that I for one welcome our alien overlords "When I was 13 I tried to get myself abducted by aliens" except it's not a joke it's an actual minor headcanon of mine Also I almost typed "adopted" rather than "abducted" which shows you why Alana would probably want to do that

Kat [Yesterday at 9:19 PM]: she did say she's on bad terms with her family

Gill [Yesterday at 9:20 PM]: She grew up a pastor's kid in a tiny rural town in Montana, hearing that they don't get along is the furthest thing from a surprise to me. The surprise is that Maxwell has a restraining order against them

Kat [Yesterday at 9:21 PM]: tht implies the court found reasonable cause to issue one wack anyway i had a long day, i'm gonna call it a night

Gill [Yesterday at 9:21 PM]: o/ But yeah that Maxwell empathizes with nonhumans, apparently more than with most regular humans, that makes perfect sense to me I can see her frustration with the AI Ethics board in her last job Expressing Their Concerns and her suppressing flashbacks to many a Creationist rant, and trying to keep her eye from twitching visibly, and no I am not projecting I am just coloring in blank spaces in the narrative with my relevant life experience

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream - Spider-Man: Far From Home/Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

It really is a good time to be a Spider-Fan.

This guy is hitting all the right notes lately: he’s got a great video game beloved by all who plays it, he’s one of the golden boys of the MCU after only a handful of appearances, and he featured in one of, if not THE greatest animated movie of all time. Now if only his comics would undo One More Day and they renewed Spectacular Spider-Man and gave it the finale it deserves, things would be absolutely perfect.

So with me being a big Spider-Man fan, I think it’s about time I talked about his greatest cinematic achievments: Into the Spider-Verse and Far From Home. That’s right, Spidey is so good he’s conquered two mediums and delivered his best stories within a year of each other. My only regret is not talking about both of these films sooner, but I suppose that just gives me the opportunity to praise them both at once.

The greatest common factor these two movies have between each other, and what makes both films infinitely relatable and entertaining, is how both films feature a young protagonist who has great responsibility thrust upon them and they must find some way to deal with it. In the case of Peter, he is saddled with the pressure of being able to live up to his mentor, Tony Stark, in the wake of Endgame’s finale and Tony’s sacrifice. Frankly, Peter just wants to be a normal teenager, get the girl, and have a good vacation – it’s perfectly understandable, and while it may come off as a bit selfish, Peter is still a young man, a young man who has suffered through numerous traumas in his life and is probably upset he can’t just be normal for once. Of course over the course of the film he remembers that with great power comes great responsibility, and he rises up to save the day.

Miles, on the other hand, while initially a bit confused and unsure of himself and what to do, really does want to live up to the memory of Spider-Man, who he only knew a brief time before his death. However, he lacks training, he doesn’t understand his own powers, and he just lacks faith in himself. The entire movie builds up his character, his relationships to others, and all he does so that moment when he takes his “leap of faith” is well-earned and solidifes the moment when he goes from merely being a Spider-Boy to truly earning the name of Spider-Man. I find it very interesting how the two Spider-Men in the two best Spidey movies have sort of opposite motivations – one is being crushed by the pressure to be a world-saving hero while only wanting to be normal, while the other wants to live up to the destiny thrust upon him but initially lacks the skill and finesse to do so – before coming to the same sort of ending. More than the man in the comics who sold his marriage to a demon because he couldn’t deal with the consequences of his actions, these Spideys realize the immortal phrase from Uncle Ben that I need not repeat.

Of course, what would a hero be without a villain to oppose them? Thankfully, both films deliver some of the best superhero movie villains anyone could ask for. Far From Home is a bit more focused, giving us one major antagonist: Mysterio, in the least shocking movie twist of all time. But it truly is a testament to how great an actor Jake Gyllenhaal is and how good a character Mysterio is that he is able to sell you on all of his hero garbage right up until the reveal, and even afterwards he never once drops that affable charm and charisma that belies his true nature as a petty sociopath. Mysterio has always been a character who has struggled to find good use in the comics due to writers not knowing how to use him; he does not have that problem here.

Into the Spider-Verse, on the other hand, goes for what most Spider-Man movies tend to do: cram a bunch of villains in and see what sticks. Thankfully, they manage to hit home runs three out of six times and only whiff twice. Let’s get the less impressive villains out of the way first: Tombstone and Scorpion. While Scorpion’s design is cool and he gets some decent fight scenes, he really could be swapped out with a generic mook and it really wouldn’t make any difference either way. Tombstone, on the other hand, is an absolutely pointless waste of a character, which is a real shame. He’s the bodyguard for a guy who killed Spider-Man with his bare hands and has superhumans and cyborgs under his employ, he’s frankly a bit superfluous. Green Goblin is the only middle ground villain, one who isn’t amazing but is certainly cool enough in his own right to leave an impression despite only having a single scene. His monstrous design really goes a long to selling his threat level and his brutal fight with the original Peter really is impressive. Sadly, he dies at the end of the fight and is quickly overshadowed.

Then we have the two side villains that really work: Prowler and Dock Ock. Prowler is the obvious one, as due to him being Miles’ uncle he adds a sort of tragic emotional connection, one that is only exacerbated once Prowler hesitates in killing his nephew and ends up becoming Miles’ stand-in for Uncle Ben. Dock Ock is a bit surprising, seeing as she is a somewhat unique take, essentially a genderbent original character version of Otto Ocatavius, complete with all that implies (yes, I am talking about the relationship with Aunt May). She’s been the big breakout villain of the movie, and with good reason: she’s cool, she’s cunning, and she’s hot, all hallmarks of a quality villain beloved by the masses.

And then we come to the big one, and I do mean big: Kingpin. Here, his size and intimidation is played up for all its worth, turning him into an absolute mountain of a man and giving him one of the slickest designs I have ever seen. He’s a brutal, ruthless thug, but he’s also given a legitimately tragic and heartbreaking reason to his actions, and while it certainly doesn’t redeem him, it does make him an interesting and complex character. If nothing else, it’s just really nice to see Liev Schreiber finally get to be the villain in a good superhero movie and a good animated movie villain, after getting the shaft in both regards on two previous occasions.

The ensemble casts of both films are great. Far From Home ropes in Maria Hill and Nick Fury, and finally gives Hill some more to do while letting Fury have a lot more fun and taking a more direct approach than usual. Aside from that, all the returning characters are improved – Happy is nicer, funnier, and a better mentor; Dash is still a jerk but he’s toned down and has a bit of tragedy to him; and MJ is fleshed out, given a personality, and has excellent chemistry with Peter. And then there is Peter’s best buddy Ned, who gets ne of the funniest romantic arcs I have ever seen in a movie. And I’d be remiss to not mention Peter’s bumbling teachers, who deliver some more top quality humor to the proceedings. I think it would be best to state now that Far From Home is honestly really funny, with pretty much all of its humor hitting the bullseye, and a lot of that has to do with just how well these people play their parts and dive into their characters with the sort of fun conviction you’d want out of Spider-Man characters.

Into the Spider-Verse has the heavily advertised Spider-Ham, Peni Parker, and Spider-Man Noir, but they actually only appear in the last third of the film and really only stick around to showcase how good the animation can handle other styles, fuel jokes, and help fight in some awesome fight scenes. Frankly, this is enough; they don’t really stick around long enough to overshadow Miles, but they’re also around just long enough to establish personalities and endear themselves to the audience. Out of the three, I find Peni to be the least interesting due to changing her mecha’s design from the more Evangelion-esque one from the comics as well as her just not really grabbing my attention all too much, but it’s easy to see why she has fans. Personally, I preferred the cartoony antics of Spider-Ham and the noir-tinged grittiness of Noir. Also, Noir is voiced by Nicolas Cage and Ham is John Mulaney. It would be a challenge for me to not love them.

The major supporting characters are Peter B. Parker and Gwen Stacy, and both manage to be great in their own right while, again, not overshadowing Miles, with Peter especially being an absolute blast, giving us the miserable, chubby, downbeat Peter we never knew we needed and having him go through a full arc of his own where Miles helps him overcome his hangups as much as Peter helps Miles. Gwen is a fun character, but she sadly doesn’t get quite as much of an arc as Peter, but that will definitely be expanded upon in sequels; she’s still a solid sidekick here. The rest of the supporting cast, such as Miles’ dad, are solid characters, and the film also gives what may be the best version of Aunt May ever (though all Aunt Mays are great and let no one tell you different); I don’t really think the supporting cast is quite as good as Far From Home’s overall, but it certainly does have memorable characters that will stick with you.

Before wrapping up, I of course have to address this: Spider-Verse has some of the most amazing animation I have ever seen. It truly captures that look of being taken right from a comic book, and there are just so many clever visuals and shots that it’s simply astounding. This is the pinnacle of CGI, and revolutionary in the field of stylized CGI. I hope other studios take notes on how to make CGI look good and stylish like this.

Into the Spider-Verse is just a stunning piece of animation. It has good characters, a solid plot, a lot of great humor, a lot of great emotion, and some really decent morals, all while paying tribute to the comics and the Raimi films and giving us some closure by adapting bits of the unused Raimi Spider-Man 4. It’s a beautiful tribute to everything we know and love of Spider-Man while also being a fantastic “passing the torch” story that gives Miles his own time to shine in the spotlight. This movie is basically what Big Hero 6 tried to be, but where that movie kind of stumbled over itself and felt more like a TV pilot for a series on the big screen, this feels like a fully fledged story unto itself. It also has one of the most beautifully poignant Stan Lee cameos ever, as well as what may be the greatest joke in Spider-Man history after the credits. If you love Spider-Man, see this movie. If you love animation, see this movie. If you love movies, see this movie. This might very well be the greatest animated film of all time, and it deserves to be seen.

Far From Home, meanwhile, is a fantastic achievement in live action Spidey cinema. It gives us a wonderful supporting cast, a love interest who actually has chemistry and isn’t a boring damsel that disgraces the name of her comic counterpart, an awesome villain, and genuine funny moments, and for once all of these things are in the same moment! This really solidifies MCU Spider-Man as being a fun, fresh take on a character who has been done to death in almost every medium; it keeps most of what we love while changing some details here and there so that Spider-Man can resonate more with modern audiences. What they do change tends to be for the better, too – I really have no problem, unlike a lot of people, with Tony “taking Uncle Ben’s place,” for a variety of reasons but not the least of which is the fact I’m frankly tired of seeing Uncle Ben die. Having him merely be the long dead motivator for Peter’s early heroics is enough for me. This is absolutely peak MCU, and a fantastic epilogue to the Infinity Saga. If you’re invested in the MCU or Spider-Man at all, this movie will be right up your alley. If you still need more convincing: they combined Raimi Jameson and PS4 Game Jameson into a character, and Simmons still plays him.

Both of these films are the cream of the crop when it comes to cinematic versions of Spider-Man, with Far From Home sitting comfortably up there with Spider-Man 2, if not surpassing it, and Into the Spider-Verse frankly taking on a league of its own, Both projects really alter the course of what can be done with Spider-Man, and it has me excited for all the future works involving the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man we might be seeing soon. With Spider-Verse getting sequels and spinoffs and Far From Home absolutely getting a sequel, it’s safe to say that anyone who loves Spidey will have plenty to love for years to come. And the best part is we will never have to worry about either Spidey making deals with Mephisto.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Mairimashita! Iruma-kun 5 - 6 | Stars Align 4 | Shinchou Yuusha 5 | No Guns Life 5

Iruma-kun 5

“Seriously, stop!” – The phrase in purple is yamerotte!, where the -tte is for emphasis. “Seriously, stop!” makes it funnier because it’s in the language I’m more fluent in though.

The demon language seems to bar some resemblance to katakana, according to the kora-! sign. Update: Maybe? Biri in demon looks a lot like the symbols for kora���

Oh, so that’s why Sabnock wears those tags…Update: Yeah, I forgot to tell you – Asmodeus’s first name is Alice, not the other way around. I read a few spoilers and apparently his mother shows up later, which is how I could tell. Therefore, the muscular demon’s name is Sabro, not Sabnock (that’s his surname).

I see the sword that Sabro generated has his symbol on it as well.

Is the big creature – the Guardian or whatever – the momma bird?...Yeah! Such a cute reunion!

Sabro is built like a guy in his 20s who works out…we’re meant to buy that he’s the same age or similar to Iruma?(!!!)...Ehhhhhhhhh, this is a demon comedy, I can buy it.

Oh my goshhhhhh…for some reason, Clara’s voice is only starting to annoy me now. (Probably because I don’t always have the volume on.)

Come to think of it, what (legally, or by whatever other demon standard) is Iruma’s surname? It’s Suzuki by human standards, but did Sullivan put him into Babylis just under the name “Iruma”?

Wait, but Eggie-sensei didn’t wipe Sabro’s name out!!!

Huh…come to think of it, this is basically the Amazing Race, complete with penalties! LOL!

Rank Owl, huh? *cue Hedwig’s Theme* I thought my Snape jokes would be the end of the Harry Potter comparisons, but there we go. (The owl even has a tie! Cuteeeeeeee!) Also, Eggie-sensei calls the last-placers kisama, so you can tell he really doesn’t like them (then again, that might just be because Iruma is one of them).

I think the “birdy bird day” is a pun on toriaezu (for the moment) from what I heard…Update: Nope, that’s not right.

(Demon Prophecy Scroll) – Yup, that’s Iruma, alright.

Apparently those hand gestures of Sullivan’s are meant to suggest the number 6…as in 666.

Ooh…ponytail demon boy. Me likey.

I think some of the girl demons are wearing their badges on their sleeves (literally), which is why they need one. According to Iruma’s uniform, the boys wear theirs on their collar.

Next time, the spotlight is on Amelie, so I’m excited! (SPOILERS: Honestly, I’ve read enough spoilers that I can’t wait to see Iruma and Azz-Azz in dresses, or evil!Iruma, or Kuromu the Akudol!)

Stars Align 4

There’s an OP for this show???

Oh, the green racquet from the OP is Toma’s…

I didn’t think a guy with the name Tsubasa would be aggressive. Maybe that’s because Tsubasa means “wing(s)”, which are fluffy and not really a name for an aggressive dude like him.

Dammit, Mitsue, you’re not doing anything!

There appears to be a sign hanging from one of the levels about the girls’ soft tennis team getting to nationals. It’s like it’s deliberately there to mock Maki and co. Update: Yeah, I thought I’d seen it before somewhere. Turns out it’s behind the prez when she dances in the ED.

I never really figured this out despite my years of learning Japanese, but do senseis call each other “sensei”? According to the audio of this show, the answer is “yes”.

Tacky = Takichi. It’s because Sakurai’s (the art teacher’s) first name is Takayuki.

Why am I so sure something bad’s about to-oh crap. Something bad did happen.

Ohnonono, please don’t repeat the thing Itsuki did to that bully…

Geez, that cat is a bit of torture now that you’ve snapped my heart into two again. I know watching Hoshiai no Sora is bad for me since I always worry about whether that abusive father is around the corner, that’s why.

Shinchou Yuusha 5

Oh, so does the feather in the OP represent Rista…? (Or would a better representation of her be her buzzer?)

Are Mash and Elulu allowed in the gods’ world…?

It’s DanMachi’s Hestia, kinda sorta…”Hestiaca” doesn’t fool me!

Aww…you ruined a perfect anime with boob grabs…

Mash does an absolutely perfect impression of Seiya (aka Ume)!

Hmmm…so what magic does Elulu have an affinity with…? I bet that’ll be a bit of foreshadowing for later…

No Guns Life 5

Mochi kinchaku. Basically a squidgy bag of soup juice and mochi.

LOL, I like the egg joke. It was nicely foreshadowed and everything.

Well, they don’t call her Scarlet for nothin’.

“…how good I am with scissors.” – Says an old man to a guy with a gun for a head, neither of which have proper head hair to prove that statement with.

Seriously, why is there unnecessary focus on Olivier’s boobs…? Can we not, male gaze?

“You’re a gun.” – Yup, someone had to say it! Juzo is a gun – he has a gun for his head, plus he’s hella muscular!

Who’s the one saying “You men have some nice bodies”? I can’t seem to figure it out without turning on the sound (which I can’t – I hav someone in earshot who I’ll disturb if I do).

So Juzo’s barrel spins when he’s nervous…?

These waves look funky.

Dude. I don’t like this angle on Olivier’s butt.

Cronen, eh? (Refers to David Cronenberg…(?) Although I’ve never watched it, I think The Fly is a masterpiece because I’m so viscerally disgusted by it.)

Iruma-kun 6

I never realised exactly how much I liked this show until I had a really bad day and then couldn’t watch it…

Smartphone = hellphone (sumaho).

Considering the frailty of cherry blossoms and Iruma’s status as a human, that’s…a highly appropriate flower! (Also, after reading a This Week in Anime where it said Iruma was living his best life at Babyls, now I think “aww” when I watch this show.)

Notably, the demon language seems to map to katakana, which is one method as to how Iruma manages to keep his status as human for so long (Iruma’s first name looks similar to the kanji for “human”).

Lookit Ameri go! Woot!

I guess demons think of humans like we think of fairies, mermaids…or demons (LOL).

I get the feeling two strokes in the upper right = tenten (since I think that’s where “ge” is), but I haven’t busted the demon language outside of that.

I just realised the teacher (Suzy) is part of the ED…in the very last shot.

Oh, right. The side character’s name is Eiko = A-ko. It’s like calling your side character Jane Doe (or calling your side character “Mob”, in a case that is in anime), but specifically for girls.

[marvelousbirthdays]

Happy Birthday, leeef!

April 1 - Deke Shaw and Darcy Lewis “You punched me in the face while gesticulating wildly to a friend" for @leeef Written by @ozhawkauthor

Okay, that prompt’s funny. But punched in the balls is FUNNIER, right?

“So,” Wanda leaned across the table, grinning crookedly at Darcy, “do you see anything you like?” She waved vaguely around the crowded bar.

 “I’m never going on an Avengers girls’ night again,” Darcy grumbled as several avid stares were turned her way. “You’re all way too interested in my love life!”

 “We’re all boringly happy couples.” Helen Cho-Wilson waved her hand, the paired platinum bands on her ring finger flashing in the lights. “We gotta live vicariously through you, since you’re the only singleton, and you’ve resisted all efforts to set you up with the few remaining single guys in our midst.”

 “I appreciate the sentiment, but really!” Darcy shook her head. “Nobody in their right mind would date      Loki    .”

 “Told you that was never gonna work.” Jane elbowed the Valkyrie, who shrugged and belched before picking up her tequila bottle for another long shrug.

 “It was worth a try. That boy has a serious case of blue balls.” Brunnhilde sniggered at her own joke.

 “And while Wong’s a really sweet guy, he’s a little older than I like them,” Darcy plowed on.

 “What about Luis?” Hope demanded.

 “Another sweet, sweet guy. But I do like to get a word in edgeways occasionally. Look, I love that you guys would like to matchmake me, it shows you really do think I’m one of you and that means a lot.”

 “But butt out?” Pepper correctly summed up.

 “Yes!” Darcy flung her arms wide with relief as the other ladies at the table nodded along in agreement. Unfortunately, the gesture was a little too enthusiastic and she whacked a guy walking past their table right in the groin.

 The guy made a strangled noise and kind of folded up in a graceless ball, triggering hysterical laughter from some at Darcy’s table (Hope, Brunnhilde and Natasha) and everyone else jumping up and exclaiming with concern. Being closest, Darcy got to the guy first.

 “Ohmigod, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

 “No, I just got punched in the nuts!” the guy croaked out, curled in the foetal position. “What the hell did I ever do to you?”

 “It was an accident! Seriously, are you hurt? Two of my friends are doctors.” Darcy looked imploringly at Helen and Christine, who’d pushed their way to the front of the crowd.

 “I’m a trauma surgeon at Metro Central, I can have an ambulance here in two minutes.” Christine already had her phone out, but the guy shook his head.

 “No. No hospitals, thank you.”

 “If you don’t have insurance…” Christine started, and the guy barked out the oddest laugh.

 “I’m okay. Or I will be, in a minute. I’ve had worse.” He was already uncurling, trying to get to his feet. Darcy offered a hand, and after a moment he accepted, letting her help him up.

 At which point she realized he was really kind of hot. Tallish, wavy brown hair, eyes a fascinating shade of blue grey, a bit of scruffy stubble, leather jacket… he ticked all Darcy’s boxes.

 And she even had the perfect excuse to offer to buy him a drink.

 “Sure,” Hot Guy said when she offered. “I never say no to a drink.”

 She had to get him away from the other ladies, who were already starting to giggle, smirk and, in Brunnhilde’s case, make lewd suggestions. Hastily linking her arm through his, Darcy led him towards the bar.

 “I’m Darcy,” she said.

 “Deke,” he responded after a moment. He was limping a bit, Darcy noted, feeling guilty.

 “Are you really okay? I’m so sorry I hit you. My friends…”

 “I’m really okay. Like I said, I’ve had worse.” He smiled down at her.

 “You from round here?” Darcy asked curiously. His accent didn’t sound local, didn’t sound quite American, really.

 ��Not really.” His mouth quirked up at the corners.

 From the corner of her eye, Darcy spied Wanda literally climbing over Natasha, heading in her direction. She’d never seen a look like that on Wanda’s face before, a mixture of shock, horror and disbelief.

 “So where are you from?” Darcy pressed, curious, as the barman set two beer bottles down in front of them. Deke picked his up and took a long swig before setting it back down on the bar and looking Darcy straight in the eye.

 “The shattered remnants of future Earth,” he said evenly.

 Flummoxed for an instant, Darcy snorted with laughter. “That work on many girls?” she asked derisively.

 “Nope.”

 “Then why bother with such a bullshit line?”

 “Darcy,” Wanda had finally reached them, grabbed at her elbow. “Darcy, he’s telling the      truth    .”

 “Whut.” Darcy looked from her to Deke, who lifted his beer in an ironic sort of toast before draining the bottle. “Are you serious? Of all the guys in the world I could have punched in the nuts, I pick a time traveler?”

 “Guess you’re just lucky, sweetheart,” Deke said with a warm grin which made her insides do strange squirmy things. “Unfortunately, I gotta go. Thanks for the beer.”

 “Oh,” Wanda said, “You’re not going anywhere. We need to have a Talk.”

 Deke’s eyes narrowed as he looked down at Wanda and Darcy, both a good deal smaller than him. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline that invitation,” he said.

 “No, you’re really not, sweet cheeks,” Brunnhilde said behind him, and as he turned to look at her, Wanda reached up and grazed a finger sparkling with red light over his temple. He collapsed into Brunnhilde’s arms.

 “A bit too much to drink!” Darcy babbled to nobody in particular as she followed them out of the bar. “He’ll be fine once he’s had some fresh air!”

* * *

 Deke blinked sandy-feeling eyes open and squinted around, wondering where the hell he was. He was in a bed, a surprisingly comfortable one at that, in a room fitted out with dark panels of what he thought might actually be wood. There were two people sitting beside the bed, neither talking to each other; one of them, an austere-looking guy with wings of white in his dark hair, was looking at a huge, ornate-looking old book, and the attractive young woman beside him was fiddling with her phone.

 The woman was familiar, and after a moment he recalled how he knew her. It was Darcy, the girl who’d whacked him by accident in the bar. He’d let her buy him a drink even though he’d been on his way out of there, thinking that a few minutes to enjoy the company of a pretty girl wouldn’t hurt.

 It seemed she had friends, however. Friends with really weird taste in clothing. He found himself staring at the older guy, wondering what the heck that red cloak was all about. Nobody dressed like that in the present day, did they?

 “The present day, a curious turn of phrase,” the man said, turning dark blue eyes on Deke, and he flinched to realize he’d spoken aloud. Damn, he was getting soft, no longer having to watch his back for the Kree every second of every day.

 “My friends say you claim to be from the future. No doubt you think everyone will write you off as a joker, insane, or a bit of both. Unfortunately for you, one of my friends is the Scarlet Witch.”

 “An Inhuman, then?” Deke asked.

 There was a beat of silence before Darcy’s eyes, as blue as the man’s, widened almost comically.

 “Shit, you really are from the future. Nobody’s that oblivious,” she said to the man, who nodded in agreement.

 “Which begs the question, how did you get here?” The man reached up to finger an amulet hanging around his throat. “Because as far as I know, there’s only one artifact in the entire universe which enables one to travel through time.”

 “If you’re talking about the White Monolith, I’m afraid we broke it. If you’re not talking about the White Monolith… well, looks like there were two, but we broke one, so now there’s one again.”

 “I like him,” Darcy said to the man. “Can we keep him, Stephen?”

 “Why are you even here?” Stephen shot her an irritated look.

 “Wong likes me and so does the Cloak,” Darcy said cheerfully, “and even you’re not mean enough to make me fall through space like you did to Loki, so. Plus, I found him.” She pointed at Deke.

 “Technically, you punched me in the groin,” Deke pointed out.

 “Accidentally slapped,” Darcy corrected. “And I bought you a drink to say sorry!”

 “Highlight of my night.” It had been the highlight of a lot more than that. She really was very pretty, and she also seemed to be kind of on his side. She even blushed a little bit when he said that.

 “I probably owe you a few more to say sorry for Wanda putting her whammy on you and then us kidnapping you.”

 “Any time. Now’d be good, actually.”

 “Stephen?” Darcy gave the man an appealing look, and he sighed irritably before holding out his hand.

 There was an empty beer stein in it. Deke opened his mouth to say he’d prefer a beer someone hadn’t already drunk, when the glass filled right before his disbelieving eyes.

 “That is a really fucking cool Inhuman power,” he said when he got his breath back. “Even the Kree would have to agree on that one.”

 Stephen smiled wryly as he handed the beer over. It even tasted fantastic, Deke thought as he took the first sip.

 “I can see you and I have a lot to talk about, young man,” Stephen said. “But before we start, I’d better explain just exactly who I’m associated with. Have you ever heard of the Avengers?”

 Deke spluttered into his beer. “The Avengers? They’re just legends! Old stories!” Although, come to think of it, he did vaguely recall Coulson muttering something about a last resort, one time… “Wait, were the Avengers real? In      this    time?”

 “You know what? I’m going to let Darcy catch you up on stuff you might not know while I go and search my books for reference to a White Monolith.” Stephen stood to leave the room, at which point Deke realized there was no door. Stephen made a weird gesture with his hand instead and some sort of circular blue portal opened in mid-air, showing a completely different room on the other side. The portal closed once Stephen stepped through, and Deke stared open-mouthed at Darcy.

 “It’s like Steve Rogers in reverse,” Darcy muttered. “As I’m sure you realize, he’s the only way in and out of this room. So escaping isn’t an option, I’m sorry.”

 “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Deke lied.

 “You’re full of shit, but I think I like you anyway. Are all guys as hot as you in the future? When exactly is this future of yours, anyway?”

 “Thought you were the one filling me in?” Deke arched a brow at her.

 “How about a trade? Answers for answers.”

 “I’d rather trade kisses for answers.” He was quite surprised when Darcy grinned.

 “We could play that game too.”

 He was definitely getting to like the early twenty-first century. Yes, indeed.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff ~ Seven of the Season: MLP Season 8 Part I

WARNING: Do not offer me a popsicle; I’m not much a fan of them anymore. I don’t know why, really. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Since it’s on hiatus until....August, it seems (confusingly lame), wanted to look back on this current season so far since it legitimately has been almost 8 years and I’m still watching this show. Not that that’s a bad thing, but unlike Adventure Time or Archer, it doesn’t feel like it’s aged all that majorly. And really, I wanna commemorate that. Due note part 2 will be for the entire season; to kinda ease my options in the end. So here be the Top 7 BEST Episodes of the first arc of season. Seven, because it’s lucky, baby. Here we go…

7. Grannies Gone Wild

Don’t look up ‘Grannies Gone Wild’ on Google Images. Not even safesearch is safe from the bizarre shit you might find. As for the safe for work version, it feels like a ‘standard’ episode, where Rainbow’s trying to keep the apple grannies safe from hurting themselves while trying to get on a rollercoaster on its last day. Though what makes this funny is that while you could think that Rainbow Dash is at fault for biting off more than she chew, it’s really Applejack’s fault for being such an enabling overprotective mook. Seriously, everybody agrees in the episode that it’s Applejack’s fault. What makes it even funnier and put this on the list are the grannies themselves, since they remind me a lot of my grandparents (may they rest) and have no time for Rainbow’s shit throughout. While it’s low on the list for its conventionality, I still enjoyed it for what it was. Especially since this joke will forever be associated with it

6. Marks For Effort

Preferentially, hating on the character Cozy Glow like I’m Alex Jones for how suspicious she acted kept me going for this episode. As such, it’s surprising to say that this was a great episode for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Even when they don’t achieve much in the end, they have an honest goal in mind and it didn’t feel far fetched, and they band well together in teaching the Wooby friendship. Unlike their other episode this season, it never felt like they had to get in each other’s way to achieve something together. It felt like they were earning their endgame, which made it bizarre that Cozy would just sabotage her test to help them out. I mean honestly what purpose did that stand beside giving Starlight a chance to--Oooooh ho ho. DHX, you clever bastards, you wanted to make me feel for Starlight having little to her name now as the school counselor. Mmmmmhmmm, not falling for it. In any case, stopped for the Cozy Glow hatin’, seriously I’m gonna stone that wooby, stayed for the quality time with the CMC. As for you, Starlight, come back when you’re a main character.

5. The Mean Six

This was honestly a surprising episode based on how nothing and everything happened in the span of 22 minutes. Chrysalis returned, offering the most charmingly hammy performance to date. And while her plan to get the elements of harmony fails tremendously, and never really started to be honest, it was fascinating to see that she could’ve been indirectly responsible for breaking apart the mane six. If the show didn’t have to fall under the status quo, this would’ve actually been a clever way of presenting a fallout arc for the characters while Chrysalis is unaware of this, thinking she still needs to plot their downfall. The mean six, or Negagangers, were utilized much better here than when Discord tried this in season 2. And somehow I actually felt for Starlight getting the short end of the stick (maybe that was because she wasn’t the one who brought everyone together in the end, but who knows). The only downside is that, if you’ve seen this show plenty of times, you know what’s gonna happen and it lacks the specialty. Though it does make up for its reasonable message, the Archer-esque way the characters play off each other, and that ending scene where the Negagangers having their faces melted is the 2nd most metal thing this show has done. And no, I’m not gonna show that, for I’d like more dreams than nightmares.

4. The Break Up Breakdown

This at first felt like a conventional Valentine’s day episode (in May) with it all just amounting to misunderstandings.... made even crazier when it involves Big Mac accidentally giving a child his romantic gift, eavesdropping on his lover, said lover getting dirty, and Discord taking Big Mac and a child dragon to a swinger’s club, all to get back to LARPing. And honestly, that is what elevated this episode, crazy shit happens and it’s not so much Discord’s fault, though he is essentially what makes this episode work so well with the fact that he cares for none of this yet is on top in the end (phrasing). Plus my heart did skip a beat when Big Mac and Sugar Belle reconciled in the end, giving me memories of the good rom coms of yore like Moonstruck and Muriel’s Wedding, except without the ABBA. And again, Discord nonchalant attitude toward everyone else’s lovestruck ideals of Valentines with his newfound obsession with D&D kept this entertaining and worth coming back. 

3. The Maud Couple

As it is unfortunate that Maud’s new boyfriend will forever be named Mud Fuckstick, Fuckstick is honestly the best character in this episode and just makes this episode so entertaining; especially on the grounds that he does little to nothing else to jumpstart the plot beyond being around and being methodical with his wordplay. The fact that Pinkie is legitimately fuming at Fuckstick potentially taking her sister away is ironically hilarious. Episode would’ve been higher up if not for that one scene of Pinkie screaming her head off for 4 seconds. I don’t mind Pinkie spazzing out, but those 4 seconds was a screeching convulsion, like christ. Plus, I realized something: Pinkie can be really selfish and mostly cares about the idea of caring for others’ feelings and use the self esteem she gets as a coping mechanism for her own depression. Really, that hits pretty close to home in some aspects because you want people to be happy because that makes you happy, but when some crucial sacrifices are required from you, it can be really hard to swallow that you probably won’t be happy about it the whole time, and putting up with it will feel like as terrible an uphill battle as the thought of not doing anything.................................heheheh, Bazonger!

2. Fake it ‘Til You Make It

Honestly, this episode is great solely because Fluttershy is great in this. It’s a titch bias since Fluttyshy’s been one of my favs since the beginning, but this episode showcases my love for her in a way. The fact that she had to put up and bullshit her way through customers’ wants and complaints were relatable enough, but seeing her actual warp her personality through her many changes to the point where she actually comes off as threatening was....somewhat moving for this show. She essentially became an antagonist for a few moments and it never felt like her change was sorely out of the blue. Her other personalities were funny (unsurprisingly ‘Gothishy’ came out as my favorite), her raccoon fam were a valuable addition to the character dynamic, and while Rarity is generally at fault for making Fluttershy go through all that in a short matter of time, her resolve in the end was direct and empathetic as well. Also it gets point for Fluttershy saying ‘Woke’, snowflake cutie mark goth pony, and having a pretty solid message in the end.

Honorable mentions: Non Compete Clause, School Daze (Part 2)

1. Horse Play (Phrasing)

I’ll be real, I shouldn’t think this episode is great. Generally because the main character isn’t great in this. Twilight is so stubborn in this, it felt out of character. The answer was obvious, they remind us over and over again, but Twilight continuously ignored all that because of her apparent bottomless admiration for Princess Celestia? This far in the show? It is unforgivable, and annoying no doubt. It felt like she was purposefully sabotaging her own ideas after already acknowledging that Princess Celestia has performance issues, not to mention her friends trying and failing to get the stage upright. After basically being friends with Celestia for this long, it shouldn’t have been that fucking hard to be honest with her, and not treating her as if she doesn’t have a flawless bone in her body! So basically Twilight was the least favorite part of this episode and she really bogged it down a notch. But how is this #1? It’s fun. Celestia was having fun, we get to see her be ecstatic, quirky, LIVELY again for more than a few seconds. The cast was fun, reminding me of other episodes where everyone was together trying their best to not screw up too badly (see Saddle Row Review). Spike was on his sass A game. And the final act when Celestia took over made for the best ending of this season; her helping Fluttershy build confidence was a definite highlight of this series as a whole. Even the leaked version of this episode with it having no music and stock sound effects was the most fun I had with this season. It was fun. Can’t say much more.

This season didn’t so much offer its best in my eyes. The seven of this first part of the season were the seven only good ones, with the remaining ranging from boring to just pathetic. However, I will say that after this long, I say they can still pull off some wonderful episodes, on the initial and look back, so I’m certainly not counting them out just yet. And with that, I’m Roy Macintosh, and that’s all I got.