#i love yoo webtoon analysis

[willyoubemypartner]

Are 🫵 you in desperate need of I Love Yoo content through this holiday hiatus?

Come join @trashlie and I for Episode 08 of I Love Yoo Tea with Trashellie, where we cry tears over our glimpses of Ressa and analyze Fast Pass episode 249 ;A;

[Warning: Fast Pass 249 spoilers throughout this whole podcast episode]

[youuuimeanmee]

Nol and Shinae's Dance Analysis.

I heard from some people, Quimchee planned the entire night sequence on December 21st to be filled with hints and set ups for events and character dynamics in the future. Though I don't know how far Quimchee is gonna put the hints since it's past Dec 21st already, but hey, Quimchee always insert some symbolisms and foreshadowings anyway so I wanna analyze this one particular scene because it has a lot of foreshadowing materials, and try to predict their dynamic in the upcoming Chess Game.

Analysis

1. Nol with the blindfold. He is hiding his eyes from crying so much. But why is he crying in the first place? One can only guess the reason, but we know the phrase: Eyes are the window of the soul. It immediately reflects our emotions, our fears, and our deepest emotive shades. Nol is hiding his true feelings (whatever it is: love, relieve, heartbreak, fear, anxiety) from Shinae. He is closing his eyes, ignoring whatever reality in front of him, and chooses to live in the moment with her --regardless of the consequences that might come after.

2. The head band covering Shinae's neck --or the delicate part of the body that must be protected, as Nessa once stated. Nol took it away from her. He also told her to take off her shoes earlier. Combine these two, and you have Nol basically rendering Shinae naked vulnerable in front of him. She believes Nol's excuse to play things fair without question; even without the blindfold, Shinae is pretty blind herself, because she couldn't see he's not fine at all.

3. Their outfits. They're both vulnerable in their own ways; Shinae without her shoes and her headband, and Nol in hospital gown with the bandages that covered his wounds. But, while Shinae's neck is out in the open (completely open with her feelings), Nol's neck is wrapped in bandages (hiding his feelings completely). They're not seeing eye to eye; it's not fair.

4. The dance movement. Nol is twirling Shinae around. Even in blindness, he had Shinae dancing at the palm of his hand. By lying and hiding behind a mask, he had her under his control. (Not that he has any malice --he just wants to make happy memories with Shinae before he's gone, but from here, we get a glimpse that Nol is capable of manipulating his partner to move like he wants to.)

5. The color. Rand said he has faith in his team. His words are in red in black, signifying power. He has conviction they won't lose to Yui. And sure enough, the duo is dancing without a care, they're building their team play. But notice the background color when they danced; they're not in the light (hope), but it's not completely dark either. It's basically grey. Despite Rand's hope, the situation seems bleak.

Nol who is blind, is guiding Shinae who is blind. You know what could happen?

This is the worst scenario though, I hope it won't happen.

The blind is leading the blind. One of them has to open their blindfold if they don't want to fall together. Fortunately, Shinae is quick to open her eyes from Nol's tricks. She saw Nol's tear stains and she immediately took the rein; she stopped their dance. Once it stops, we can see the light returns (even if it's not as bright as before).

Discussion

Nol and Shinae's dance has been teased for a long time, and we finally get to see it now. It's been teased from episode 5, when Nol proposed Shinae to be his partner. There has been many hurdles, but now that Shinae has fully accepted Nol's hand, they finally embark on a new journey as partners. Their dance represents their new partnership and how they work together as a team. And of course, being their first time, it's not all smooth sailing.

Nol and Shinae is a unique pair. They're almost like a mirror. Whatever Nol do that night, Shinae is able to keep up with him.

Nol and Shinae have the potential to be impeccable liars. They both can make nasty jokes that can cut their opponents deep. Like Nol's prank that reminded Shinae of her father in-coma, and Shinae's prank that reminded Nol of his abused days in the Hirahara Hospital.

They are capable of stealing. Nol stole the yearbook to investigate Alyssa to give Shinae the justice she deserves. Shinae stole some balloons from the poor, tired man to give Nol a happy birthday he deserves.

They both can equally be manipulative if they want to. Shinae doesn't want Nol to bolt from her since he seemed ready to do it anytime, so she lured him out using sweet words, shared her painful past to try to relate to him, and asked him to dance in Min-Hyuk's room so she could be with him longer. Nol doesn't want Shinae to bolt from him again since she seemed ready to do it anytime, so he listened to her music together, played around with her finger dance, asked her to dance --even taking away her shoes, and smile as Yeong-Gi so she won't run away from him anymore.

Whatever wholesome or nasty things, they could do it together. They'd be such a great partners-in-crime. But sometimes, because they're so matching, they often find themselves in unfavourable condition when they're not in synch. For example, like the first time they meet. Both of them were riled up by the mean guy's mockery; they stood up to teach him a lesson at the same time. But, because they had different idea on how to do it and they're not aware of each other's presence, Shinae ended up hindering Nol by spilling the juice on him --or Nol hindered Shinae by getting in the way, whatever floats your boat. Yes, it is an accident, but I believe Quimchee has been setting up their dynamic from the very start.

You get the gist. For the upcoming chess game, they need to fix their teamwork. And to get a nice teamwork, they need to be in synch. They already prove themselves they're capable of doing that, like their first prank and their tag team against Sang-Chul. But if they want to win against Yui, they have to do better. It's clear they're not there yet, because Nol is hiding too much from her. In fact, Nol is too smart for his own good and he hates putting his loved ones in dangerous or uncomfortable situation, it's possible he would "manipulate" Shinae in their partnership; he'd let her help him enough, but not enough to drag her into the mud with him.

I found this comment and I agree with this, though realistically, I'm not too hopeful Shinae could turn things around so quickly when this is just the very beginning of Nol-Shinae's partnership.

It's been hinted no matter how much Shinae is seem to be able to catch up to Nol, Nol is always one step ahead from her.

On their first "dance" in the Arcade Arc, what Shinae lacked is stamina. Right now what she lack is knowledge. Knowledge about Nol's past and the sticky situation surrounding Hirahara. Unfortunately, Nol is not ready to share it yet. Not at all.

Nol has always been in constant survival mode. Years of being preyed by Yui has build him to never show his weakness to anyone. Not to his friends, not even Nana --to some extent. Today, he just made a huge leap by crying on his loved one's shoulder instead of crying alone, but he's not ready to reveal it to Shinae. He has yet to process his feelings. It takes time. Things are gonna get complicated, especially when it's been foreshadowed that Nol is going to leave for a long time. If he does leave, it'll be a challenge to stay in contact and get close to him. And in the future, there will be much more things that Nol is keeping secret from Shinae. We already have Nol's investigation on Alyssa, for starters. Shinae has stated she doesn't like surprises and she doesn't like it when someone is going overboard for her sake. If she find out Nol has been manipulating her, doing all sort of things behind her back, and shouldering everything alone.... Welp. And she is capable of hurting Nol too, so... Yikes. I pray things won't get that far, I hope they won't hurt each other too much in the process.

I do hope we'll get a parallel of episode 65 on the next episode --Nol admitted to Shinae he's not fine at all, but since Nol is hard-headed, I don't dare to hope too much.

On (un)related topic, Rand, the Black King, has ordered Shinae, his Black Pawn, to inflitrate the opponent's den. Well, even though I said ordered, it's more of an advice on how to play the game. Shinae has the right to decide whether she chose to involve herself in this game or not. To make the decision, she needs to know what is exactly she's up against, and for who she's fighting for. And for that, she has to be aware of Nol's circumstances. Once she heard everything about Nol, there's no going back.

If Nol won't talk to her, I hope she can talk to Nana; I hope the two of them will meet. Yujing is currently brewing her article. If Shinae could learn about Nol's past from Yujing, it'll sting since she didn't learn it from Nol himself, but at least it'll start some conversation with him. Hell, she could even try to ask Rand if she's desperate enough. Nol is the same. If he wants to stand on equal footing with Shinae in the chess game, he needs to face himself, take a leap of faith and try to open up to her, little by little. He needs to believe Shinae is not as fragile as she seemed; she can take his burden and she won't leave him either.

If, in the future, Nol ever find himself immersed in his Antihero role for too long, or he's into his revenge plot too deep, Shinae needs to stop him from hurting himself. Maybe she even have to resort to some brute force if he keeps being stubborn.

Shinae and Nol have different stats in nature, so she has to get creative and proactive with her ways to make up for her weakness, if she wants to stand by Nol's side equally.

Just like Nol who has the capability to manipulate anyone -- including his partner -- if he wanted to, Shinae is just as capable to take the rein of their relationship, like the way she accepting and stopping their dance when she found something wrong. It's up to her if she want to continue the dance --letting her partner be blind, or stopping the dance completely if it means she could get him to open his eyes (come in terms with his feelings).

...

Maybe this is why Rand has so much faith in Nol and Shinae (especially the latter). Despite their flaws, despite their bleak situation, they can overcome anything as long as they're together. In due time, of course.

[youuuimeanmee]

AYOOO THIS IS THE SUMMARY OF WHAT HAPPENED IN MINHYUK'S PARTY LMAO

Nol is leaving because he thought he's a bad guy, he doesn't deserve his friends and they're better off without him. He's wearing his personal hoodie, indicating it's the real Nolan.

Shinae is looking at Kousuke, searching for the answer of why Nol is leaving them, and wondered when he'll be back. There's a drap of Yeong-Gi's jacket on Shinae's shoulder, meaning Nol left behind his Yeong-Gi persona and it's a mean to protect her. It could also mean that this time, Shinae will become the "new Yeong-Gi" -- it's her time to be the hero Nol needs in his life.

Kousuke just saw Nol leaving, didn't even try to stop him. It's like he's saying, "That's right, keep walking you fool. Just stop befriending everyone, be depressed for all I care. Stop being so bright, stop being a hindrance to get me to Father."

Minhyuk is chatting with Shinae because she's the only person he's familiar with. He also has his back turned on Nol, unaware of Nol's turmoil. (Other interpretation; he's trying to distract Shinae so she won't be too hung up on Nol -- based on his expression towards Nol throughout the night, he's convinced(?) Nol was not a good friend for Shinae, since he brought too much trouble).

Dieter and Soushi, unfortunately, also has their back turned against Nol, blissfully unaware of what Nol is really going through (like, Soushi barely appeared when Nol first fell off the second floor, and Dieter was busy betting his money with Minhyuk). I'm not sure about Soushi's future -- whether he'll stay friends with Nol or not, but since on this pic Dieter doesn't have his back completely turned, it should be easy for him to turn his head, see how Nol is faring, and try to get him back.

It’s driving me absolutely bonkers that no one on Tumblr is talking about thiss

((Please repost to make a chain of theories or whatnot))

[denjidomination]

I Love Yoo Episode 219 Analysis

There is so much to say about this episode and I can definitely say with confidence that this is one of my favorite episodes by far. Before I begin to analyze, I do want to talk about how much this episode means to me. As someone who relates to Nol, seeing him finally at ease made me feel like I was capable of being so as well. Quimchee does such a phenomenal job in portraying emotion, and with this episode, Nol’s joy is no exception. The joy that he felt when he saw everyone filled me with joy as well, and I think that that is truly so special. This webtoon is so special to me. There has not been any piece of media that has impacted me as much as I Love Yoo has, and this episode confirmed that this obsession will not be dying any time soon.

Now onto the analyzing!

As I had stated earlier, there is so much to say about this episode. For organization purposes, I will just speak on parts of the episode as they progress. So to start, Shin-ae, Dieter, and Soushi doing this for Nol is truly so heartwarming. We all know that Nol has been through an extremely rough time lately and so this gesture, even if not properly planned, is truly touching. On top of that, we are aware that Nol despises his own birthday. For years, he has been spending it alone. For years, he has been told that his birth in itself was a mistake and according to Rand it literally was cxweinujklqx. And so having people that he genuinely loves be there and reassure him that his life means something to them must impact him greatly.

Moving along, I want to talk about the sunrise. As dawn creeps up upon them, we see these panels of Lil Buddy sleeping. Now I know that this could just be a reach it definitely is, but I felt as if Lil Buddy’s fur color could represent something. I had multiple ideas such as: a Yin Yang allusion, the black and white representing Nol and Shin-ae, and the two colors representing Nol and Yeong-gi. For right now, I want to speak on what this could mean if it were about Nol and Yeong-gi. This entire arc thus far has been about the relationship between Nol and Kousuke, and Nol and himself. With that in mind, I want to bring up this line that Hansuke had said back in episode 175.

This line was said after Rand had finally shown some sort of concern towards Kousuke. Here, we see the sun already gone with the night following. For Kousuke, this affection is a “dead end”. In contrast, we have Nol receiving affection from his friends and the sun rising with dawn following. This is a new beginning. The sun that sheds onto those panels of Lil Buddy could be a new beginning for Nol. Ultimately Nol and Yeong-gi will have to coexist for Nol to be at his full potential, and I think these panels show that we are leading up to that. Alongside this reach of a statement, I do just want to comment on how comforting these panels of Lil Buddy are. Lil Buddy seems at ease just like everyone else seems to be right now. This is the first time in a while that Nol and Shin-ae specifically have seemed calm. There is no tension anymore, there is only the comfort that they have with each other.

Speaking of comfort, obviously I have to talk about how Shin-ae and Nol are each other’s comfort. This talk in particular will be really long for obvious reasons so bare with me here. After Nol explains as to why he is not a fan of his birthday, he reaches over to Shin-ae’s ear. This act in itself already speaks volumes. Nol managed to get so close to her scar, her scar that she has been attempting to hide for so long, don’t you guys think that that is so meaningful? Back in episode 180, Nol had made an attempt to get close to her scar and failed. Shin-ae was so adamant on nobody touching her scar.

But that’s exactly it. Nobody is allowed to touch that. The fact is, Nol did do that again, and Nol is that nobody who is allowed to touch it. Now referring back to 219, you can see in Shin-ae’s face that she was startled by Nol’s actions. He actually got close to her scar again but rather than refusing, she accepted it. This is just the first layer of vulnerability that they had achieved within this episode.

One thing that separated these two within the more recent arcs was distance, both literally and figuratively. I made a post a while back about Shadows in I love Yoo, and with my last bit of analysis, I mentioned that Nol attempted to literally be on the same footing as Shin-ae. He walked up the hill, he climbed up the balcony just to be on par with Shin-ae. With every passing episode, these two physically become closer and closer emphasizing their growing relationship. Nol has been closing the distance between them physically and we see this even more within this panel in episode 219.

This is the second layer of vulnerability that they have achieved. The distance between them is finally closing, and though it may be a little late, it is evident that they want to maintain this distance for as long as they can. Today, Nol is supposed to leave; He is supposed to expand the gap between them yet again. So while they are close, they both want to treasure that closeness until the very last second.

In these last seconds, we hear Christmas music. And as Shin-ae says, “some people dance and sing along to Christmas music. Obviously she is alluding to the time back in episode 206, where Nol states that he and his mother would “start singing along and dancing…” to Christmas music.

That tradition that Nol had with his mother is very clearly special to him; Though he says that it is a distant memory, it is clear that he cherishes said memory. For Shin-ae to relive that memory that Nol once had with his mother is another level of love. Whether you find that love to be platonic or romantic between them, there is no doubt that Shin-ae and Nol love each other. All of these acts leading up to this episode are acts of love, and I think that this act in particular has been the strongest.

Straying away from Nol and Shin-ae for a bit, I want to analyze the music a bit. In particular, I want to analyze the song, “Silent Night” that plays in the background during this vulnerable moment. Ultimately, this song is about the praise and arrival of Jesus Christ. Why is this significant? Well it’s because throughout this part arc, we see Nol be alluded to Jesus Christ himself. We see it in episode 170 when he emerges from the waters similar to a baptism, and we see it in episode 173 when Nol lays in a fetal position similar to a rebirth in some sense.

The sole purpose of baptisms is to identify and mark with Christ’s death and resurrection. This entire concept is identical to Nol’s situation with Yeong-gi. Back to the song itself, I want to analyze the lyrics. The first lines are “Silent night, holy night” and this could be taken literally and figuratively. It is literally a silent night; Dieter and Soushi are both sleeping, and there is only the sound of Shin-ae’s comforting silence and I guess Soushi’s snoring fejknvjhlbk. The holiness of the night would regard Nol and his identity. The following lyrics go as followed: “All is calm, all is bright”. Again, the night truly is silent and calming. There is nothing but the comfort that they all bring to each other. With the “bright” lyric, I want to bring back the panels with Lil Buddy. There, we see the light of the sun appear onto Lil Buddy’s fur representing a new beginning. This new beginning could also refer to the birth of Nol and of course, the birth of Jesus Christ which is what the song Silent Night is all about. With that in mind, I want to bring up these last lyrics that go: “Radiant beams from Thy holy face, With dawn of redeeming grace, Jesus Lord at thy birth”. This might be getting repetitive sorry cbuxiejcnjl but again, those panels of Lil Buddy exemplify these lyrics perfectly. If Lil Buddy were to be representing Nol in those panels, we could see the “radiant beams” on his face, we could see the “dawn of redeeming grace”, and we could see Jesus be born. The other lyrics within this song do have significance as well, however, I found these lines to hold the most meaning.

Back to the episode itself, we now see Shin-ae and Nol finger dance. Before I analyze anything, I just want to say that this actually made me go crazy oh my goodness. Characters dancing together always has my heart but finger dancing?! That is literally the cutest thing ever. Anywho, I more so want to talk about what happens after the finger dance. Once Nol gets a hold of her finger, he tells Shin-ae to take her shoes off.

This is the last level of vulnerability between the two within this episode. When Nol was at the party, we notice him without shoes or socks. During that time, we see him begin to be vulnerable. Not only with Shin-ae, but with himself as well. From this, we can determine that lack of clothing, or in this case, shoes, represents vulnerability. With Nol telling that to Shin-ae, it’s almost as if he is telling her to be vulnerable with him. His expression within this panel also shows how serious he is about this matter. He really means it when he says this. I believe I saw someone on reddit say this but another interpretation for this line could be that Nol is telling Shin-ae that he doesn’t want her to run away from him any longer. After everything they have been through, he doesn’t want there to be anymore running. The distance they have now is closed, and he doesn’t want that gap to close ever again.

And that’s all! Man. This episode is seriously so great and I am so ecstatic to see Nol finally be even the slightest bit happy for once. All of them, including Soushi and Dieter, have been through so much together and to see them enjoy each other’s presence one last time makes me so emotional :’-)

[spikytyphoon]

Did Alyssa bully Shin-Ae?

As you may know, I recently got asked about my I Love Yoo theories, and one of them was that Alyssa, who was Shin-Ae’s friend at one point, may have bullied her in junior high school.

Since I reread the webtoon, I figured it would be interesting to try looking into this theory a bit more.

What we know:

1. Shin-Ae was bullied in elementary(?)/middle school, seemingly because of her mother’s actions. → cf. when she was bullied when trying to help a foreign student, when she brought Lil’ Buddy at school...

2. Shin-Ae and her father had to move to a faraway city to stop the bullying, so Shin-Ae went to a new middle school, the same as Min-Hyuk, Maya and Rika.

3. Alyssa and Shin-Ae met in this same middle school and became friends. → check this if you don’t remember

4. Shin-Ae was bullied by her classmates before entering high school and there were rumors about her. → it has been shown/mentioned multiple times throughout the story, so I’m sure it’s obvious for everybody

5. Shin-Ae was hospitalized once, as can be seen here:

What we can assume:

1. Alyssa made other friends and “abandoned” Shin-Ae:

2. Alyssa was the one who hurt Shin-Ae badly enough for her go to the hospital.

This is the dialogue from Shin-Ae’s dream (Alyssa speaks first):

“Why would anyone wants to be friends with you?”

“Why are you saying this? I thought we were friends!”

“Don't touch me!”

“Why are you being like this all of a sudden???” // “Alyssa!”

“Stay away from me!”

Then we see Shin-Ae falling from... I don’t know where, but it seems pretty high:

Alyssa immediately regretted what happened:

(I believe it says: “Shin-Ae, I didn’t mean it!”). Her friends then tell her that Shin-Ae totally deserved it and that she shouldn’t feel bad.

3. Shin-Ae doesn’t resent Alyssa:

She rarely talks about her feelings, but this is something I assumed from this panel:

In the last chapter, when the two of them see each other again, there’s no animosity between them either.

So... did Alyssa actually bully Shin-Ae? Well, from what we can tell, Shin-Ae was bullied in school... but not necessarily by Alyssa. Alyssa was probably brainwashed by her new friends at some point and began thinking ill of Shin-Ae, and it resulted in this unfortunate accident, which she regretted.

Now, there are still things that aren’t clear. For example, where did those rumors come from? Alyssa’s two friends seemed to hate Shin-Ae, but why? If there were rumors about Shin-Ae’s past at the beginning of school, then that'd be understandable, since they could have been influenced by them... Shin-Ae moved far away from her former city though, so I doubt it has anything to do with her previous school. In fact, the rumors surrounding Shin-Ae in her new middle school may have originated from Alyssa’s new friends themselves---possibly out of sheer spite. Since Alyssa joined them, she may also have participated in those rumors. Then, Alyssa could have been part of the “bullying team” too, writing mean words on Shin-Ae’s desk, throwing paper pellets at her...

Or... Alyssa wasn’t guilty of many things, apart from that accident. This is the safest hypothesis, since 1) Alyssa and Shin-Ae were primarily friends, and 2) Shin-Ae doesn’t resent Alyssa, apparently, so she may have done nothing really serious (I mean, an accident is an accident...). It would mean that Alyssa “betrayed” Shin-Ae by associating herself with girls who hated her former friend, perhaps helped in spreading rumors about her (and was or wasn’t directly responsible for them), but didn’t actually bully Shin-Ae, like harassing her or being physically violent. There’s still something that’s bugging me: why did Alyssa become friends with those girls in the first place? They may have not been mean to Shin-Ae in the beginning, but as soon as they started I thought Alyssa would have cut ties with them... Maybe Alyssa and Shin-Ae’s friendship wasn’t that strong to begin with.

So, from what I understand, Shin-Ae’s main bullies were the two girls we see in the prologue. I think I might not consider Alyssa as a bully anymore---but I still believe she was “mean” towards Shin-Ae---, since there’s no direct proof of her bullying Shin-Ae. And honeslty, if she really did, I feel like Shin-Ae would be angrier at her. However, there’s still the possibility that Shin-Ae, because Alyssa was her first friend, can’t bring herself to hate her despite what she may or may not have been doing to her in junior high. I don’t want to accuse Alyssa if she’s innocent, but we can’t ignore that Shin-Ae’s still hurt and has nightmares of this dark period of her life.

[tesdir-blog]

Hopes for LUFF

Okay, time to get my negative thoughts out of the way first. I did not enjoy Faust. It was not memorable, but this isn’t a Faust analysis. This is a short little thing (my definition) about what I would like to see from LUFF.

LUFF is created from Arechan which is the same author as Faust which is why I brought it up before. So my expectations are understandably lower then say Pound which was made by the creators of The Badguys. LUFF and Pound came out around the same time so it was interesting to see returning artists.

Webtoon fans, go read The Badguys. I can’t stress it enough.

So lets say some common sense that all Webtoon fans know. There are a lot of comics on LINE Webtoon that has a love triangle concept. We’ve got Let’s Play, I Love Yoo, Age Matters, Siren’s Lament, the list goes on. Those were just the ones on the top of my head.

So is it too much to say that maybe Webtoon doesn’t need another love triangle. Snailords even made a joke about love triangles on Webtoon in Freaking Romance. By the way, go read Freaking Romance...and Snailogy which is also made by the same author.

LUFF immediately introduces that there are two romantic interests right at the beginning, Before we even meet the dudes! We also know very little about them. The most I had to go off on from the beginning was the descriptions of the characters that they have been doing lately with new launch titles. The latest chapter introduced one of the guys with a bit more detail at least some what.

So two love interests and under the genre “romance” it must be a love triangle right? But what if it isn’t? What if it is a Webtoon about polygamy? To my knowledge that would be a first for Webtoon and it is controversial in the public eye and also something not everyone understands. It wouldn’t be the first time Arechan made something about LGBT characters so I wouldn’t be surprised.

From my limited knowledge about this world that I would not survive in (casually asexual and aromantic) I can estimate that it may not accept poly relationships. If the LUFF system needs your ranking and social status to function or something (Stay with me there are only 7 chapters as of today) then having two guys with one woman may create an incident.

I seriously hope that is about polygamy because it has an amazing set up for a story that has not been touched upon in my knowledge. Like I said at the beginning though, I don’t have the best expectations.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end!

[iloveyoofanblog]

tagged by @incorrectwebtoonquotes and @urie-ma-boy21

Name: V

Middle name: S

Zodiac sign: Cancer

Height: 5'1″

Language: English, Mandarin

Favorite fruit: Oranges and strawberries

Favorite scent: Kinda weird but I like the scent of dampness and mildew while walking on the street, and fresh roses

Favorite color: Purple but I realistically wear a lot of black and white

Favourite fictional character: Book Snape, Jyn and Cassian from Rogue One, the crew from new Star Trek

Favourite candy: Anything gummy

Favourite holiday: Halloween

Songs on repeat:  Sechs Kies - Chance; Sechs Kies - Couple; Cutting Crew - Died in Your Arms; Ravel - Pavane pour une infante défunte; 那些年； Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven; Jay Chou - Tears in Heaven; Hyukoh - Tomboy; Queen - Don’t Stop Me Now; BTS - Blood, Sweat and Tears; BTS - Epiphany 

Average hours of sleep: 5-7

How many blankets sleep with: One 

Dream Trip: Anywhere, but if I had to narrow it down - Glacier National Park, White Cliffs of Dover, New Zealand or Antarctica

Dream job: Computer scientist in data analysis, machine learning and/or robotics

Grab the nearest book, page 23, line 17: Other questions might involve a bit of probability. It might be stuff that a candidate would surely know... (Cracking the Coding Interview, McDowell

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you?

Nah

What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love?:

Hate: Balloons popping or fireworks

Love: Rain + bossa nova jazz; sound of birds chirping in the morning when waking up

Do you believe in aliens? I think so but idk how developed they would be

Do you drive?: Sadly no 

What’s the last book you read? Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda; would recommend, is very cute and realistic

Any current obsessions? BTS, webtoons, walking outside and school

Do you hold grudges against those who wronged you? Yes, because I feel like people usually don’t change, but it’s not like I think about all my grudges all the time.

Reason for url: This is my side blog for I Love Yoo, which I still really like and read every week :) I didn’t see any I Love Yoo-only themed blog when I first made it, and I try to catch most ILY content on here!! 

[youuuimeanmee]

The Aftermath of The Dance

So Shinae has decided to stop their dance and "ditch" him. She was too upset to even say goodbye. Funny how his hand is reaching out to her, even though he knew his decision would push her away.

I guess there's a bit of a hope in him, that Shinae would be able to keep up with his ass like the way she's been doing, but man, he's pushing it this time. Shinae has her limit.

As the result, Nol is "forced" to take off his blindfold.

People in Reddit are wonderful. They come up with many beautiful, interesting ideas. Like the image when Nol opened the blindfold, his head is above the water level, meaning he's (at least) not drowning and no longer gasping for air. Or when Nol said sorry, there's a light at the end of the dark tunnel and beyond that light, Shinae is there for him. Or how Nol found himself on a crossroad and he has to choose: either he has to remove the mask, or be left standing with a reminder of her in his hands. Go to the discussions there to find more of these!

I personally love the moment when he open his eyes, he's surrounded with bright warm light.

He really need this moment, to come in terms with his feelings in a place where he feels safe.

I re-read my analysis from last week, and maybe I'm being too harsh with him. I kinda forced him to open up even though I know he's not there yet. This comment definitely help me to realize that.

It's normal for people to feel embarassed to expose their vulnerable side to other people. Shinae was like that too.

I understand why she feels so upset; she was so heartbroken by Nol's drastic change, she just want to help him out quickly so things could go back to the way it's like before. She was impatient; understandable, given how quick her world turned upside-down the moment Nol is gone. This "mask" thing has been going on for too long, but taking it off is the hardest thing to do when you've been wearing one in all your life.

So Shinae.

Next time, why don't you try to be the "blind" one? Let him be the one who open his eyes; let him be himself in front of you, but don't let him know you see him. Just turn a blind eye, like the way he's helping you to open up.

Just an advice for starters.

[youuuimeanmee]

There must be tons of things inside Nol's mind the moment his birthday party is over. He must be mulling over what he contemplate during the week after he and his friends parted ways, what lead him up to this point.

Nol has been self-depecrating for years; he was depressed and guilty for what happened in the past. He felt like he doesn't deserve to live and be happy, even if he wanted to. He thought making friends be happy could be his way to atone his sins. But no, he feels like he made everything worse, because he lead them into danger (read: Yui) instead. He endangered them. And he already likes them so much at this point so when they parted, it just leads to another heartbreak.

Shinae calling him a fake person was just adding salt to his wound.

After spending a week mulling over her words, he came to a conclusion that no amount of good deeds he has done will ever be enough to save himself, and he needs to get over his friends because he's undeserving of their love after deceiving and hurting them; Shinae might be the catalyst of Nol's drastic change.

Making friends was a mistake; that's what he believed. That's probably what promted him to go to Alyssa's christmas party because he wanted to forget all the "mistakes" he made. He belonged with his "family," sarcastically speaking. He just wanted to stop giving a fuck to anything. Until he met Shinae again.

She lifted him up, she's using such sweet words to lure him out, she even shared her painful past to try to relate to him. Even after he wrecked her best friend's party and told her to stay away, somehow she still finds her way to save him. She even organized this little party for him. Not to mention, the awkward morphine misunderstanding; yet, she didn't leave. Just how could she stayed by his side after he hurted her from his lies and deceit? He knows how much trust issue Shinae has, so how come she still trust him? Nol really wanted to know.

Then, he saw her gift.

The oranges and the doodle: a reminder of how they meet and the first 24 hours they spent together.

The birthday note: An opposite of what she used to say (Humans suck), and the answer of his question, "why she decided to accept him the first night they met."

Seeing her gift made him realize, maybe, she is the gift all along.

Seeing the oranges and the doodles, he's reminded how lucky he is to have meet Shinae.

Seeing the birthday note, he realized how fortunate he is for asking her to be his partner.

If it wasn't for her, he probably wouldn't even make it to end of the year, and that's not an exaggeration.

She is the mirror that reminded him that he -- the Nolan inside Yeong-Gi mask -- is not okay at all.

She inspired him to try once again with his "family."

When the world told him he's unwanted, she was there to accept him.

They laughed and bickered like old friends.

She gave him a reason to return to this world.

Even after he hurted her, she still hold onto him to share their pain together.

She becomes the bridge to the people who genuinely love him.

She gives him more happiness than he could hold. She gave him reasons to keep living.

And she would not be here if it's not for his efforts to be her friend.

Making friends was not a mistake, it turns out. All the good deeds he has done, it wasn't for naught. All the pain he endured -- especially in the last 3 months -- as Yeong-Gi has finally payed off with a true, loyal friend staying by his side in this moment. She started to make him believe he (might be) wasn't that much of a bad guy, because it seemed like God has accepted some of his repentance. Making friends was not a mistake, or was it?

It's true his perseverance has payed off, but we can't deny all the adventures he went through in the last 3 months is because of Shinae. She has been a force that pushed him to be more involved with the Hiraharas, whether he likes it or not. It leads him to trauma, tears, heartbreaks, even literal injuries... Does it mean Shinae is a curse instead of a blessing?

No, of course not.

Maybe it's just as Nana said; some "mistakes" are worth it.

[youuuimeanmee]

I LOVE YOO 220 Thoughts

1. What excites me the most on this episode is, we got a glimpse of how Yui abused Nol in the past! (Not that I enjoy seeing Nol being abused, far from it, but I'm glad we finally see the plot moving) This is the discussion back in ep 150:

And with today's episode, we now see how Yui utilizes her power as the owner of the hospital: interfering with the doctors and nurses' decision, having their license revoked if they try to defy her, rewarding them with money -or anything- if they do as she say... Of course Yui's hand would stay clean if everyone is too scared of her! It really give us a glimpse of how she abused Nol in the past. Ugh. Now I wonder, did he also had the nurse he's close with removed from his sight because of Yui? Did she also gaslighted him into thinking it's his fault? 😒

Hearing Yui's argument is laughable actually. When a patient is unconscious, a doctor has the right to do some tests based on medical judgement in order to reach the correct diagnosis for the right treatment, because a sleeping patient can't tell the doctor what's wrong with them afterall. She has no right to veto as a mother too(?), since Kousuke is already an adult. Now, whether the CEO of the hospital has the right to revoke a medical lisence based on personal opinion -- or not, I can't tell because I don't know the laws. But well, money and power goes a long way, sadly.

2. At least Nol wakes up with the person he care by his side. Kousuke wakes up with no one in sight, and the sound of arguments outside. Quimchee just loves hammering down Kousuke's sign of neglection, huh. As much of an asshole Kousuke is, he's still the victim of abuse just like Nol :(

3.

AW NAH BITCH, STAY AWAY FROM JAYCE. STAY AWAY FROM NOL. JUST GO AWAY, NO ONE WANTED YOU HERE.

4. Now, about the reason why Yui is so adamant not letting Kousuke be tested by a literal professional. Many people has guessed it's because Yui doesn't want anyone to find out Kousuke is not Rand's biological son, but I don't think we're there yet. Hansuke mentioned basic tests; as far as I know, the basic, standard tests don't include blood-type test or DNA test. It usually only covered the potentials of:

Irregularity in blood (haemoglobin, platetet, RBC counts)

Infection (WBC, Lymphocyte counts)

Liver disfunction (AST, ALT)

Kidney disfunction (Creatinin, Urea, Bilirubin)

Diabetes (blood sugar)

Cholesterol-based illness (LDL, HDL, triglycerides)

Irregularity in electrolytes (Na, K, Cl, Ca)

And that's the gist of it. There's not much to get, unless Yui doesn't want anyone to find out Kousuke is actually diabetic? Maybe she inserted diabetes medicines inside his food? Kousuke did say they have personal chefs, maybe they also received Yui's order. I kinda doubt it though, this seem like a stretch.

It's a different story if Hansuke wanted to check the possible substance inside Kousuke's body, though. Hansuke suspected Kousuke is under the influence; it's the easiest answer that could explain Kousuke's abnormal behavior.

This is just some wild theory but I suspect Yui inserted some antipsychotic drugs in his drink or food (remember the family chefs?) to keep Kousuke in check. If Hansuke finds out about it, it will reveal that Yui has been hiding the fact that Kousuke has some mental disorder, and that could jeopardize his position as the new CFO; that's why Yui doesn't want a blood work. Just a guess 💀

Btw, this is Shinae on episode 14 LMAO

Oh Shinae. Now this doesn't seem like a joke anymore ☠️

Oh. WAIT.

💀💀💀

5. [Yui: what has you scrambling around in distress?] [Kou: I can't recall... ] [Yui: Aww that's too bad...]

Look at that sinister smile. She is DELIGHTED Kousuke forgets. Since Yui knew he hit his head on the wall, I think it's safe to assume(?) she knows Kousuke was looking at patient record earlier. She knows which name that triggers him. Does it mean she doesn't want Kou to find out about Nessa (further, what she did to her)? Has Yui always used Kou's "ignorance" (memory issue) about Nessa's fate to let him mock Nol about her disappereance?

Nol you couldn't be more right. I look forward to see Kou finding out he has been mocking Nol's mom's absence when it's his own "dear mother" who "killed" her. The devastation...

6. I still don't get why would Yui throw away Rand's gift. If anything, I think it'd benefit her more if she give it to Kousuke. Something like: praising him, how he's done such a good job being a CFO that his father would give him an early expensive present, gaslight him into thinking it's not enough, but just a little more until he'd truly acknowledge him, etc. I thought he'd be easier to manipulate if he get enough reward (which he clearly didn't get)? It feels like Yui's manipulation is getting old. Idk, I thought a goal would be much sweeter if he get to taste it, so he'd work even harder. But so far, he didn't taste any of it.

But then it hit me. If Kousuke sees the real present, he'd know his father does care about him. He won't need Yui anymore, he'd start to rely on Rand, as in, the person. And Yui doesn't want that. She wants Kousuke to be fully in her control, she wants him to keep relying on Rand's image by her words; that Rand is a cold man who doesn't care about his family unless Kousuke surpassed him. She just... never let Kousuke to be free. (Which is why I realized Nol has the potential to be a much scarier manipulator than Yui, but that's another topic for another day).

7. Yui touching Kousuke's injured hand without apologizing is such a psychopath thing to do: lacking of guilt or empathy.

8. BAHAHA since we're almost at the end of the year, it's nice to see the reference of earlier episode!

Though, could this be a foreshadowing? If Shinae really becomes Kousuke's assistant in the future, would she be included in the future hospital inspection? Would she play a role in uncovering Nol and Kousuke's mistreatment in the hospital? Lol.

9. MEG!! AOEBJDDJ I hope she would return the gift to Kousuke, just like Shinae who return the bible to Nol! Kousuke needs to know Rand is more caring than he seemed and Yui is much more wicked than he thought! This is probably Meg's role as the member of the Black Team: to open Kousuke's eyes that he still has people who care for him as who he is.

And that's it! See you next week 👋

[youuuimeanmee]

Nolan Lochlainn claimed to be a bad guy. One of his reasons being, he pretended and lied to be a friend, and used his friends for his own absolution. That's why he doesn't see Yeong-Gi as himself, he only see it as a mask to conceal his true self. Exactly as Shinae said, he paraded around as this happy-go-lucky guy trying to help everyone while hiding behind a fake name. He sees Yeong-Gi as a phony.

Why am I bringing up this topic? Because it's heartbreaking to see him not impressed with what his friends came up about good things about him.

Not really a happy face there. It's because he thought the things he has done as Yeong-Gi at the beginning were a ruse. Those were not good things about "him," according to himself.

Despite that, how did he he managed to gain friends he can't help always coming back to? How did he managed to gain true friends who stay loyal to him, despite all the "lies" he laid out?

I might have a biased view,but the way I see it, it's because Yeong-Gi is not a phony. 15-year-old Nolan was just trying to be the best version of himself he wanted to become, in honor of his mum's wish. It's not a bad thing at all.

The good things his friends mentioned were all the things he did at the beginning, when he fully embraced his "Yeong-Gi mask." Nolan might've seen his "help" from that time as a ruse, but the result is impactful and very meaningful for the person who received it. Thanks to Yeong-Gi, Dieter has become less lonely and starts to feel like he belongs here, and Shinae starts to trust people again, becoming a better person in the process. Yeong-Gi healed them.

And God certainly knows he's been doing his best for... 4 years. From he's 15 until 19, which is today. Oh God not number 4 again being Nol's number, the symbol of death and rebirth.

It's okay Nolan, you've tried your best. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to be yourself and take a break. It's okay to let loose for once. As your mum said, the world can't punish you forever. As Shinae said, things will get better for you.

Which is why, tonight, God's gift for his good deeds is this one little "friend" who will go to the end of Earth to defend, protect, and heal you this time. And I'm sure Dieter and Soushi will follow her soon.

[youuuimeanmee]

If we forget about Nol's injury for a second, this is the second time he flinched when Shinae hugged him back.

Before anyone come at me with "No, he clearly flinched because his back is injured!", let's take a look at ep 151.

See that hand? His grip literally loosen the moment she touched him.

Which is why, I think, even without his injury, he'd still do the same thing.

It's apparent Shinae touched the sensitive part of him. It's almost symbolic. It's like he didn't anticipate someone will hug him back when he hugged them, Like, he did not expect someone will reciprocate his feelings. Or maybe he still has a trauma for being touched? Like there is still a part of him that reject the kindness someone show him.

Nol has a long, long way to go before he could heal.

[youuuimeanmee]

This is my old post back in 2021. I'm reblogging this because I still couldn't come up with a better theory to write (if anyone knows other theories PLEASE let me know cause I'm dying to know), and some of my questions are FINALLY being answered in the last couple of episodes. Yess 🎉

1. So yeah, the reason why Kousuke didn't know about Nol's mom's whereabout is because he has memory impairment issues, possibly due to the drug he ingested in his food or beverages, or his mental ilness Yui hides from him.

So Kousuke really didn't lie about not knowing Nessa's whereabout. But unfortunately, she didn't just disappear. She's no longer alive, and in such traumatic way too 😫😭

(Gah this is really a bummer. I thought she's just sick and hidden away in another country or something, to protect her from Yui, but alas)

So Nessa hanged herself. Pills were found. Nol is a perceptive kid; he should be able to recognize whether Nessa had some mental problems or not since they live together. If it was a staged murder, Nol must've found some oddities in his mother's death, and maybe that's why he went to the Hirahara estate to ask Yui, Kousuke, or anyone about his mother. Yui must've personally took the matter in her own hands to silence Nol, even if it means injuring her own hand in the process. Wtf did you do to Nol, Yui 😡

Quimchee once said the brothers had one physical fight when they're young, I wonder if it's related with this case. We still don't know whether a fight really happens or not since Kousuke's memory isn't reliable, but Nol said he didn't even touch him. I don't know what to believe anymore, did Quimchee mislead us back then? 🥲

By the way, I reread episode 150 and I just realized the journalist who wrote Nol's article is named Jane Kim. (Where the hell I've been, istg)

I know Kim is a super common surname in Korea, but what are the chances if she's related with the Kim family (Sang-Chul, Gun, Young-Chul)? Ugh, I swear this family is disgusting 🤢🤮

2. So Nol really did meet Soushi and Dieter around the same time. It's getting clearer he did try to meet his mom in the afterlife too, just as I feared. I don't like it, not one bit 😓😩😭

(from the story-telling standpoint it's superb how Quim planted these clues consistently for years, I love it. But naur Nollll, my poor babyyy😭)

Nol has endured 5 years after Nessa's death. Years of being abused, gaslighted, and isolated has pushed Nol to put his harmful thoughts into action. Thank goodness he's back. Thank goodness Shinae is able to make him feel glad (even if it's just a bit) that he's born into this world 😭

Now, my theory #3 seems even more plausible; Kousuke babysitted Nol and made sure he's okay with his friends to prevent him from harming himself. That explains why Kousuke is being so nice and considerate to Nol at the beginning of the story; because Nol just got out of the hospital, he's trying to look out for his mental health 😞 (whether he did it to gain Rand's favor or because he truly cares, that's another question for later).

Still, this is just another theory so I'll keep taking it with a grain of salt until we get another confirmation from Quimchee, which might take several years from now, lolol.

But for now? Yaaayy confirmations! 😃🎉

So I tried to make Nol's timeline

So this is kind of a brainrot I guess. After reading ep 155 and 156, I want to make a timeline since we've accumulated plenty of Nol's past so far. Episode 155 definitely clears things up a bit, but it raises another question, so I just wanna dump things up here.

(I used 2021 as the starting point just to make it easier for me; it's not the actual year in ILY)

Nol met Kousuke when he's 5 years old. He introduced himself as Nol, which means he's already in daycare, and he's already in Korea for some time. Kousuke said 6 years ago, Nol was officially introduced to the family. Two years before that, Nol was taken to the mental facility. Nol is currently 18, so it means he entered the mental facility when he's 10, and entered the Hirahara family at 12.

(tbh Nol looks like 15 in both pict, but Nol was already big when he's 5 yo so there's that I guess)

Quimchee said Nol got his glasses around his pre-teens, around 9-11 years old. Did he get the glasses before or after the incident? Did the glasses play a part in that incident? And when Nol gifted Kousuke a cheesecake, he doesn't seem like 10, more like 12? Does it mean the incident didn't affect his feeling for Kousuke? It means whatever that incident is, it didn't give Nol a hard feeling towards Kousuke, but he's still trying to get his approval/forgiven. Also interesting that Nol stopped wearing an open hoodie after the incident. I wonder why? And sorry for straying off again but his outfit in ep 65 is such a mom thing to do (oversized jacket and pants to keep growing)? But after that, his outfit is more fit to the body. Those details highlight that his mom wasn't around anymore, I'm in tears.

Ignore that guys. Anyway, Kousuke mentioned that his high school graduation day was terrible (ep 78). He was 14 at the time, which means Nol was 9. Rand and Yui had a huge fight because of Nol. I assume Nol's mother was involved in that fight as well since Kousuke mentioned "that woman" after he saw the picture. In episode 150, the newspaper said "A year after Rand and Yui's marriage reconciliation;" Kousuke and Nol had a "fight," and Nol's appearance does look like he's in pre-teens.

So it means Rand and Yui just get back together when Kousuke graduated from HS/entered college (though they still fight), and a year later, Nol was sent to the mental facility because of the incident (funny how the newspaper said Nol's whereabouts were unknown, highly probable that Nol's admission was off-record). It's also funny how Kousuke mentioned in the latest episode that many people were hurt (and big possibility that Nol's mom's disappearance was related to this), but the newspaper didn't mention anything like that. The media really was twisting the truth, similar to how Shinae was not mentioned in Nol's case. (It explains Nol's distrust over the media in ep 112.)

Nol entered the Hirahara family when he's 12. Sometime later, he moved with his nana. I assume it happened a year after because Nana and Yui confirmed that their last meeting was 5 years ago (ep 129), which means the last time Yui saw Nana is when she first came to Korea to take care of Nol. What threw me off is Kousuke's statement from ep 16: It's been some time since Nol got out of something 4-5 years ago, and that makes Nana worried. If Kousuke's info was right, it means Nol was already with her at that time. So again, when Nol got out of something 4-5 years ago, from where did he get out of? The Hirahara family? Is that make Nana worried? Unless Kousuke means he got out of the mental facility? The timing doesn't match here.

Or maybe the hospital?

The hospital seems plausible. Maybe we do have another incident we don't know of, that made Nol admitted to the hospital, made Rand super worried, and forced Kousuke to be more attentive to Nol. It matches with Nol's resentment towards Kousuke; how he never cared about him until a certain incident happened.

Kousuke used to have a tight group of friends in college and had a blast with them. Kousuke was probably around 14-18 when he's in college, which means Nol was abandoned in his worst years (10-13). Even when Kousuke decided to cut-off his friends due to his work, he still ignored Nol, as it was implied in episode 143; how Kousuke keeps his friends at bay and Nol even further away;

at least until that incident happened. I'm guessing Kousuke was already 19-20 in this pict.

In episode 156, Kousuke's appearance matches with the picture above. It means Kousuke was 20 and Soushi was 14 when they first met. This means Nol is indeed 15 years old, and he met Soushi around the same time he met Dieter. Maybe Kousuke was getting tired of taking care of Nol, so he assigned Soushi to do it in his stead?

TLDR; we got 5-year-old Nol entered Korea and into the daycare, got his nickname "Nol," and met Kousuke for the first time. He learned that Kousuke is his brother so he tried to be acknowledged, but fails. When Nol was 8 years old, Rand and Yui were divorced, but they got together when he's 9, but it's not without a fight from Nol's mom. An incident occurred between Nol, his mom, and Kousuke when he's 10. Whatever that incident is, it makes Nol's mom disappear and Nol was taken to the mental facility. Nol entered the Hirahara family when he's 12. When he's 13, he moved with his nana. Nol sort of gave up on Kousuke around this time. Around 13-14, Nol was admitted to the hospital(?) that forced Kousuke to take care of Nol. Nol met Dieter and Soushi around the same time, in summer when he's 15. Nol disappeared for a few days and he's back, claiming that he wanted to celebrate his mom's birthday by meeting her, but no luck. Kousuke keeps babysitting him until Soushi came into the picture.

Here's the part I don't get.

Why Kousuke isn't sure about Nol's mom's whereabouts? Were Nol and Kousuke's fight and Nol's mom's disappearance really related? If Kousuke is not lying, does it mean she's still alive somewhere?

When Nol disappeared, where is he going? Why did he do that? Why did he decide that the best moment to meet his mom is 5 years later? What could be the trigger of his action? Don't tell me he's been doing that every year?

How bad was Nol that he has to keep being babysitted? Was the reason he got hospitalized because he's been trying something "funny"? Ep 148 showed that teen!Nol was depressed, so maybe the incident, when he's 13-14, happened because he's suicidal? Is that why after Nol got out of the hospital (ep 11), Kousuke was hanging around and not immediately leaving, because he wanted to make sure Nol was okay with his friends?

What do you think?

[youuuimeanmee]

"How long until you stop pretending that everything that has happened to you in the past has been resolved? Walking away from a problem doesn't fix anything. They'll either stay in the same place or they'll follow you, but they won't disappear."

These words from the latest chapter is like a smack in the face. This certainly pushed me to re-read earlier episodes with new context. It makes me reconsider a lot of Nol's behavior, like, maybe Nol's guilt towards Shinae has started long before the formal. What I mean is, the party incident might be the last nail in the coffin, but Nol's low self-worth for her might have started long before that. And as usual, his feeling for Shinae always connects with Kousuke. This is what I mean when I said I couldn't separate Nol, Shinae, and Kousuke before, so I guess I'll just go with it.

⚠️This is not a meta. I'm just dumping my interpretation of the episodes that catches me. I might as well call it "Nolan's POV" since I couldn't get better words to call this post.

1. Episode 22-23

This is probably the start of it all. Nol wanted to escape the school life full of fake people, but he ended up troubling his friends. Nol only taunted Shinae so he could've had fun with her, but she passed out as the result. He knew she was pushing herself, he never thought she would push this hard just to get the food he jokingly bet on. Was his quick reaction really just his nature to be quick on his feet, or did he get reminded of his traumatic past? It's convenient we couldn't see Nol's perspective after Shinae fell, even though Quim already elaborated Nol's observation and his fast response to the fall. Nol's feeling is very telling in the next episode though; he feels so bad, he sacrificed his freedom just so Kousuke could get her some food. He also genuinely thanked him for it. At first I was as confused as Kousuke were (Nol's at disadvantage here, why is he thanking him?), but now, I just realized how much Nol is feeling guilty for her.

2. Episode 25-33

Last night still affected Nol: Even though he's uncomfortable to be alone with Kousuke, he didn't ask Shinae to accompany him anymore, unlike last time. He didn't want to bother her; hence the hostility he showed Kousuke when he asked her to join them (maybe I should return to this later, it's probably way more than that since he distrusts Kou so much). But the way Shinae lighten up the situation, even with Kousuke around, gave him a little hope that maybe, working with the Hirahara won't be so bad anymore if he's with her.

On the other hand, Kousuke is being oddly nice. He returned him to his nana's house, agreed to not immediately jumped on to Yui's health facility, agreed to eat a burger with hands despite his extreme discomfort, and took the trouble to buy him food personally. Kousuke has been trying to treat him nicer, so those little actions gave him a little hope that maybe, Kousuke has changed. Shinae's application resonated with his feeling and motivated him to make his family accepted him once more. He has been avoiding any Hirahara affairs due to his trauma but this time, maybe he'd like to give it a shot.

Shinae has accepted his friendship offer. She is going to work with him, which means he can breathe a little easier. Kousuke also treated him differently than all those years. If he keeps being useful to the family, maybe things will finally change right?

3. Episode 43-45

This is probably where Nol realized Shinae is desperate for money. She already told her condition in the burger place, she tutored his friends, she asked him about Yui, she applied at his company, and now already worked at Wac even before she heard the news. (Remember, he has good memory). He tried to help his friend who's struggling to keep her facade, but despite his effort with best intention in mind, Shinae berated him how he makes her uncomfortable when he already has a gf so he should know his place.

First Kousuke is sending him home early again, now Shinae. Nol is probably reminded once again that his sincerity is always misinterpreted by other people. It's like he's unneeded. But still, he knew Shinae has a point. He isn't aware how a man with a girlfriend supposed to act, because he couldn't even reach his "girlfriend." He realized he may be desperate for some sort of connection with someone. He shouldn't be selfish. Shinae's words hurts him so he decided to back off for now.

🚩 : Feeling misunderstood, feeling unneeded.

And then, he checked Shinae's application.

Nol found out Kousuke is using Shinae's application to make him work. He is pissed for trusting Kousuke has changed, yet he felt he should've known better that his friends would dragged to his family's affairs. He's extremely disappointed in Kousuke -though it's not something new, yet, he couldn't blame him after listening to his reason. But still. This is the first time after a while that Nol genuinely wanted to try again with his family. Nol knew Kousuke would never appreciate him no matter what he's doing but, was he wrong for hoping otherwise? Nol is crushed. He failed to win Kousuke's trust despite trying his best, he made Shinae uncomfortable by his friendship, he lead her on with a false hope, only to find out she couldn't get a decent job because of him. Forget about making new connections, people will eventually suffer because of him. It's like the world is telling him "Stop trying." He's exhausted.

🚩: Disappointment, hopelessness, self-blame.

And then, Shinae came, asking him if he's okay.

Her previous words might be the least worry in his mind (because he knew she has a point), yet she still apologized for it. Even though he's the one who constantly forced his way onto her, she said she appreciated him. The fact that she told him what he could improve means she gave him a second chance; she trusted him. This is huge coming from a person who has trust issues, and also huge for the person who's used at being rejected. Nol is conflicted, he didn't know if he should accept her trust when he's the one who make her life more difficult without her knowing it. To him, Shinae is kind; he didn't deserve it. He's glad Shinae didn't cut him off, but at the same time, his guilt prevented him from truly accepting her. He's probably feel bummed too that he couldn't do more for her (this part I think, plays a huge role in episode 93; he learned to be persistent with his ways without making the other party uncomfortable --the taco scene). Shinae's kindness to him despite her own problems (working part-time, problem with her dad) made him determined to be better for her sake.

🚩 : Guilt, facade.

4. Episode 47

Kousuke and Nol's disagreement from the night before didn't stop Nol from trying. He still wanted to work to prove himself. And yet, he was fired without any good reason, without him knowing. Even after he came all the way to continue working, Kousuke still rejected him, so his bitterness towards him hasn't disappeared yet.

🚩 : Desperation.

5. Episode 49-53

That night, Nol had to attend a party he didn't like. His father reprimanded him as usual, and he found out that apparently, he quitted work because of a friend -which is false, but he couldn't find himself to refute. His father didn't let him explain and instead, ordered him to wait for Alyssa --it's as if he's never worth anything more than an idol's boyfriend. He's forced to break his promise to Shinae (keeping her food), even though he's already determined to make her feel better. Kousuke's irritating false concern didn't help. Yui opened his trauma again by touching his face and serving him tea. To make things worse, his supposed-to-be-girlfriend greeted him half-assedly, even though they haven't met for a long time. She has gone completely to the Hirahara's side.

🚩: Abuse, isolation.

6. Episode 55

The night constantly told him to "Give up." He only got Shinae by his side, but he couldn't lean on her. Not only because she already had enough shit to handle, but he also didn't want to drag her to his problem more than he already has. Besides, Shinae has been too good by staying as his friend even though he has been a burden to her (forcing his friendship, not respecting her boundaries, ruining her chance) so he couldn't ask for more.

🚩 : Low self-worth.

Nol tried to be a better friend for Shinae. He tried to make her comfortable with whatever means: respecting her boundary, comforting her with make-up and food, cheering her up during her dance, and giving back her jacket. Seeing her first smile of the night eased his guilt a little bit; maybe feeling a little bittersweet that he can only be useful when he's supporting from the sidelines. Still though, it's not like it makes him feel okay. He tried to be strong, but he couldn't really do it given how shitty he felt because of his family and his girlfriend. His mask cracked. Friendship is supposed to be two-ways right? He needs some sort of consolation that he's not really alone.

He didn't want to lose her. Remember that he's good at tying things up together. The fact that Shinae is here, in Kim's private party, means she got involved with Kousuke or Yui. She stubbornly stayed despite her great discomfort means she owed them something -probably money-related. When he came back, he found her dancing with Kousuke. He just knew his family would target his friend to control him. It's similar with Alyssa's case, how she's swayed by Hirahara's offer and then left his side. In his suffocating life, he's afraid Shinae would do the same. But. Who is he to stop her from doing what she wants? If anything, the Hiraharas probably helped her more than he ever could, just like Alyssa. He should've supported her as her friend. In the end he didn't want to worry her so he stopped.

🚩 : Fear of abandonment.

TLDR; I honestly don't know what to make from this post. I guess I just want to vent what I thought was Nol's pain and how much I'm hurting after re-reading the old episodes with the new perspective. Like, the string of events really leads you to an unavoidable crash in episode 65. The way Shinae is angry for his sake --even though she doesn't have to, even apologizing for snapping even though it's not her fault, is just heartbreaking for him (and me too). It really cemented his believe that he's pathetic (useless), a complete waste of time, and she should find someone better.

Aside from that, episode 23, 44 and 55 blow me away. I never realized how much guilt Nol carry for Shinae, I never thought Nol's disappointment towards Kousuke would be this deep, and I thought Nol was simply jealous of Kousuke when he danced with Shinae, when in fact, he's been sending Shinae SOS the whole time. Quimchee's story-telling ability is just superb.

This is just how I read him now. Maybe there's other interpretation? What do you think?

[youuuimeanmee]

Addition cause rereading always makes everything better yeahh.

Even though I predicted he might be ashamed of himself, I don't think that's only it. I still find Nol's smile odd and I couldn't figure out why. Personally I feel like he's... Disappointed? But for what? I don't fully get it,

UNTIL NOW HAHAH

He's disappointed exactly because he couldn't do more for Shinae. He's hurt because he has to suppress himself again.

He knew his actions made Shinae uncomfortable and he should back away. He knew it logically, but his heart couldn't accept it. If he's being "Nolan," he'd rather keep pushing himself onto Shinae. Once again, he couldn't gain a control over his life because he has to prioritize others first. He has to wear his "Yeong-Gi" persona; the "good" Yeong-Gi who will do anything others wanted him to, as long as it makes them happy. He sacrificed his well-being again.

I realized it after rereading ep 170.

He looks so disappointed for finding a reason to return to the surface, despite seeing Shinae -his true friend- in danger.

If this was a cliche generic manga, Nol's reaction should be bit more.. hopeful. He would've been struck by a realization, like "Oh yeah, this world does not suck. I have her. She's my light. She's in danger, I need to save her!"

Nah, this is Quimchee's Universe. Nol's actual reaction is like "Goddamit I failed to die. Do I have to return? Ugh I have to save her. Oh man this suuckss. Why can't you just let me be?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint Nol as a bad person. He does consider Shinae important and he wanted her to be safe, but if only this accident with Shinae didn't happen and it was just him who fell, he'd much rather keep drowning.

It hits hard how bad Nol's mental health truly is. He's suffocated by his "hero" Yeong-Gi persona which he originally created to make himself feel better. Pretending to be someone else did not help his situation at all. Thus, his mask begin to crumble.

On that topic, I think Shinae's outburst really helped him realized that it's okay to be true to his emotions, to treasure himself more.

Later on, he still has his promise with Kousuke (plus his guilt) so he kept his distance most of the time; but in some moments, it's apparent he became a bit pushy or overprotective. It might seem that way in our eyes, but that's just how he truly is from the start. I think this is his own effort to start over his life again -not as as Yeong-Gi, but as Nolan.

Reviewing my theory after 179

I made a theory about Nol's side of the story from his pov a few months ago and holy shit I didn't expect it to be answered in THIS episode. I still can't believe the majority of it hits pretty close to home, except for a few things, which I'll elaborate below. I might have to reread the whole thing again with this new information, but wow.

1. I already has a hunch that helping other people might be Nol's way of coping from his self-hatred. Like, just by seeing other people happy is enough for him. I can't believe it was confirmed to be true, omg.

2. See, when he said the line got blurred, everyone is wearing their uniform. When is the first and last time they're having fun with their uniforms?

That's right, the Arcade scene.

That's why I'm so happy I started my theory from this timeline.

Was his quick reaction really just his nature to be quick on his feet, or did he get reminded of his traumatic past? It's convenient we couldn't see Nol's perspective after Shinae fell, even though Quim already elaborated on Nol's observation and his fast response to the fall.

I said that in my last theory. And here we got an answer of why he made that reaction: It's not because it reminded him of his traumatic past, it's because he was reminded of his original objective: TO HELP PEOPLE. The reason why he's stubborn to make Shinae have fun is probably because he wanted to break her out of her shell, to treat her loneliness and distrust in people. But he's having way so much fun with her that he forgot.

He forgot his goal is already accomplished; to make her have fun. He should've called it quit when he noticed how serious she was with his bet joke. He should've given in and bought her a meal, but no, his playful, competitive nature took over. He unintentionally pushed her too far. Shinae passing out due to their bet is way off his original plan. He forgot, it was supposed to be about her happiness, not his. This is when he fully realized the line got blurred, he forgot his original objective, and Shinae got hurt because of it. No wonder Nol felt so guilty he sacrificed his freedom to Kousuke, just to make up for her.

3. And this scene.

The fact that she told him what he could improve means she gave him a second chance; she trusted him. This is huge coming from a person who has trust issues, and also huge for the person who's used at being rejected. Nol is conflicted, he didn't know if he should accept her trust when he's the one who make her life more difficult without her knowing it. To him, Shinae is kind; he didn't deserve it. He's glad Shinae didn't cut him off, but at the same time, his guilt prevented him from truly accepting her.

I'm gonna scrap that idea. He's not feeling guilty just because of what happen that night, he felt guilty because he's been approaching her with ulterior motives. With many bad things happened to him lately, he was desperate to have some kind of control over his life, that he might've unknowingly projected his frustration onto Shinae by being pushy with his help. Even he admitted he's getting desperate.

He's ashamed of himself for failing to see how his action made Shinae uncomfortable. He wanted to feel better at the expense of other people's well-being; he can't forgive that. That's why he determined to be a better friend by reading them better and react accordingly. The way Quimchee added layers to this scene is just gahhh

4. And then, about the formal.

Seeing her first smile of the night eased his guilt a little bit; maybe feeling a little bittersweet that he can only be useful when he's supporting from the sidelines.

I still stand by my words in that theory, except for that line. Now we know why he felt bittersweet; it's not because he wanted to be in the spotlight.

It's because he remembered his first objective: TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. To balance out the good and the bad, and make their world a better place. THIS was why he approached Shinae in the first place; he wanted to help her. He wanted to make Shinae's night a bit better and he accomplished his mission. He's supposed to feel content. But he's not. It's not enough just to make her happy anymore. He needed more. It was a shitty night, he was hoping to have someone to hold on to. He has already considered her as a precious friend, he doesn't want to lose her. He needed reassurance that she won't go to the Hirahara's side. (I remember I wrote the same thing on my theory, can't believe it's canon hhahah)

He wants to make sure that she will always be by his side. That's why he asked her this question.

But he retracted his words because he thought it's supposed to be about her, not him. Just... gahhh

5.

I'm so glad Shinae brought this up. This reminds me of littleShinae's question to herself, I think it mirrors Nol's situation well. (And I'm so glad I started off my theory with this line hahahha)

"How long until you stop pretending that everything that has happened to you in the past has been resolved? Walking away from a problem doesn't fix anything. They'll either stay in the same place or they'll follow you, but they won't disappear."

Shinae's question might promt Nolan to stop running away. Will he reconsider his future, now that he fully embraces his "dark" side? This kinda makes me scared and lowkey excited; is he really going to be an antihero to save Shinae from Yui's clutch?

Yeah I think that's all from me for today. I've been saving this up in my draft for so long ever since the fp was up, glad I can bring this into the light now hahahha. Maybe I'll add more in the future if I have time to reread. Then again, in the end this is all just another theory, so take it with a grain of salt lol