#Nessa Lochlainn

[trashlie]

Rand the Damned

Something that has become really apparent to me about ILY, especially the more I have these deep dives into the characterizations, is that ultimately, ILY explores characters who are trying to survive. Nearly every character in ILY is clearly someone trying to survive their circumstances, and while some are very obvious (Shinae, Nol, Kousuke) others you need to examine differently in order to see they, too, are trying to survive (Alyssa, Rand, Yui). Something I feel that ILY does especially well is the interpersonal relationships based on both context and circumstances, and why certain characters are able to better get along with each other and others continue to butt heads. For instance, Nol and Kousuke have always struggled because Nol was never able to see what Kousuke's real battle is - that his quest for Rand's acceptance has been but a small part of his psyche. Without understanding how Kousuke has been manipulated, gaslit, and literally drugged, how could Nol ever begin to understand why Kousuke treats him that way?

Abuse and trauma alters peoples' brains. It's not something that you just... one day wake up from and move on. We will spend our whole lives trying to unlearn our unhealthy behaviors, our coping mechanisms and that's for those of us who haven't experienced such brain-altering abuse and trauma. A very common theme of ILY remains repeating cycles - that people who never get to heal, or don't heal in a healthy way, will continue to perpetuate their cycles of abuse, of their trauma, of their unhealthy learned behaviors. Someone who grows up feeling like they are not allowed to express emotions, feeling like they must tiptoe around others' emotions is going to struggle to open up about their feelings, to feel like their emotions are valid, that they're allowed to feel and talk about what they feel, and thus, their relationships with others are impacted. What happens when they are close to someone who feels like they are being deliberately locked out and left in the dark? How do you resolve issues when you feel like you have to pack away your feelings and pretend you're fine, everything is okay?

This is something that permeates ILY at all corners, because it's fundamental to every interpersonal relationship - that we unwittingly pass on the hurt that has hurt us, that our experiences alter our perception, alter our behavior, alter the way we handle things. When I talk about Everyone x Therapy, this is what I mean. Nearly everyone in ILY carries some kind of hurt, some more deeply than others. This includes even the characters we as readers perceive as hurtful: Sangchul, Rand, Yui. Perhaps even Gun Kim, but frankly that is something I cannot bring myself to get into and I think we lack enough information to examine (but even in his case we can look at his father and glean how Gun would turn out the way he did).

Perhaps this will eventually become a series, where I sit and examine some of these characters more closely, as I have with Kousuke and Alyssa. But at this time I'm focusing on Rand, because I find him to be an incredibly polarizing character depending on the take you have. How dare you sympathize with someone who has been such a terrible father tends to be the main gut reaction, but as with all parents of ILY, there is no such thing as a good, perfect parent. At the end of the day, parents are people also trying to navigate their lives with the extra responsibility of someone else they're meant to take care of, to look after, to raise, with few resources and no guidebooks. The one thing ILY has taught me is to re-examine my own life, my relationship with my parents and the ways they hurt vs helped me, and their circumstances. Ultimately, we will always be victims of our circumstances, the results of our experiences.

So! Let's talk about Rand!

Firstmost and foremost, I want it to be clear that I'm not writing this in an effort to make people care about Rand or make him into someone's favorite character, but instead just to help people better understand him and his motivations. Too often I think we fall into the trap of believing that we can only like good characters and that liking those who hurt others or cause harm makes us bad people. But ILY is a fictional story. No one is being hurt. What I think ILY provides us, though, is a deeper understanding of real people and the ways that all people are complex, no matter how shallow they seem. This isn't about making Rand into a favorite character, but instead it's about examining Rand's circumstances.

When we examine characters through a lens of survival, it helps us to better understand their motivations and choices, as well as what is at risk and what they stand to lose which heavily factors into their motivations and why they make the choices they do. There's a lot we still don't know about the nature of Rand and Yui's relationship: were they ever lovers; did she ever fool him into thinking she was something else; was it always a business arrangement? This leads us to further questions, like did he meet Nessa before or after he married Yui? Because so much of ILY is about these cycles and parallels, we can look at Rand and assume that maybe, much like Nol has tried to do, Rand denied himself something he wanted in favor of something else, something he thought he needed more. As a businessman, it's easy to see how perhaps he and Yui were an arranged marriage, something not for love but instead for mutual benefit (and this feels even more plausible given how likely it is that Yui herself was not allowed to inherit the company but instead needed someone who would be adopted into the family via marriage and treated like a true Hirahara and needed him in order to have any role in the family business that she coveted). If Rand knew Nessa before, perhaps he told himself that what he felt about Nessa was a thing that would pass, something he could live without. Perhaps he convinced himself that the ends would justify the means, that his life would be better if he made this choice and denied himself something else he wanted. Love? Love can come and go. You can move on from anyone, anything.

But it's clear to us that Rand never moved on from Nessa. Long after he lost her, he carried her with him in that Bible. He may have told Shinae that it didn't hold luck for him anymore, that it hasn't for a long time, but that doesn't mean it stopped mattering to him. In a time when Nol needed it most, Rand gave up something that had brought him comfort in solace, in hopes that it can provide something of comfort for him, too.

What has been something of a safety raft for Rand to cling to as he treads the waters of survival has now been passed to his son, and I think this is as good a time to examine Rand through this lens of survival, and to better understand why he has made the choices he has and further, that I fear no choice Rand could have made would have been the right choice; it never existed, he was always damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A special interest of quimchee's appears to be female-enacted domestic violence. This has come up a couple times before, and is a theme she's talked about before on streams about wanting to explore, but I think we are seeing that quietly explored in ILY as well, though it's not the forefront of the story. Yui as a character very much is one who leads a reign of reign of terror, who so confidently believes that she is the hero of the story and everyone who stands against her opposes her, and thus are an obstacle to be taken out. Now, I still intend to write at great length about how I view Yui and what are her motivations and drivers, but the watered down summary is: I believe Yui was once the victim of abuse in addition to having always felt like she is lesser simply for being born a woman and bears a grudge against men and deeply resents them for what they are so easily afforded that she is not, that she was never given the opportunity or the space to heal and internalized this to believe that people deserve what happens to them, that those who are incapable of fighting back are deserving of what happens to them. This is integral in understanding Yui and how, yes, Rand's hands have always been tied by her.

I think when I say this, people think this immediately excuses Rand from the hurt he's caused, but it is so very important that we examine the ways that Rand's hands are tied, so that we can understand how nothing could really have been different, to understand why (in his eyes) he is doing the best he was able to. Again, an underlying theme is that people very much are often the victims of their circumstances. Yui herself even touches on this, noting that she is aware she is afforded opportunities, privilege, that most aren't. She herself also takes advantage of circumstances, in order to better orchestrate what she wants. For instance, consider the way Kousuke was left isolated - she took advantage of her husband's unhealthy work/life balance and further drove a wedge between him and his son so that Kousuke would forever feel like he is working towards an (unobtainable) goal, so that Rand would always be greatly out of reach, so that they could never become equals, be peers, so that Kousuke would always feel that feeling of inferiority and then she learned to utilize that inferiority as a weapon against Nol as well as to further isolate Kousuke, leave him dependent upon her.

Yui knows what she's doing, and Rand's circumstances are very much the base of this analysis.

What was the nature of their relationship? Was it simply a business arrangement Rand thought stood to benefit him? Or, a possibility I explore a lot more lately, was it possible that Yui tricked him in some way, took advantage of a more sympathetic nature perhaps Rand once possessed? I don't think we necessarily need to know yet what the circumstances are, because what matters is where that left Rand.

The mukoyoshi theory becomes ever more important the more we learn about these characters, and as we view their situations through the lens of this theory, we start to better understand the dynamics it's created. Supposing this theory holds true - and I believe it must, since we have canonical proof now Rand has taken the Hirahara name as his own - it sets the following precedent: through marriage to Yui, Rand has been adopted into the family as though he himself is a true Hirahara born of their blood, and as it appears that men are afforded more rights/opportunities, in some way Rand holds more rights in Yui's family than Yui herself does. She could not inherit the family company herself and instead had to marry someone else in order to carry on the lineage, had to give birth to a son to carry it on from them. I'm not going to get too deeply into this, because I think this is for another post, but again, this precedence is important because we need to understand why Yui would resent Rand for reasons beyond his affair, why from the very moment he married her he was likely trapped in her web, and why his circumstances were always against him.

Truly the greatest "mistake" Rand likely made was marrying Yui, but we're well beyond that now.

Yui very much is a controlling, abusive partner and it's clear to us now how she's been manipulating and abusing far longer than Rand's infidelity existed. We can see in Kousuke's early memories that the agitation between Rand and Yui in their clashing parenting styles had already become a thing that was wearing him down, that she gloated from her throne where she maintained the upper hand. Yui possesses incredible finesse when it comes to how she orchestrates things, how she nudges the truth, how she hardly has to do any heavy lifting for things to fall right into place. There's a whole essay that could be written on Rand's role in both the company and as a father and the crux of it always comes back to: he was damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. As part of the mukoyoshi concept, Rand has a duty to the company he has inherited, to the family he has been adopted by, to oversee things to ensure things run as well as they can. But as a husband and father, he has an obligation to his family. We see it often in businessmen, in people of the corporate world whose entire livelihoods depend on their career that they must make a choice. At this time it appears as though Yui's father regards Rand favorably, but would he have if Rand had chosen to downsize his responsibilities? Had Rand chosen to be around more as Kousuke was being raised? Especially if it's as we think with the Hirahara family, where childrearing is seen as a woman's role, that this is what Yui should be focusing on and that Rand, the mukoyoshi, had a role to fulfill separate of that?

When Yui told Kousuke that they are different from others, she was not wrong. We cannot view Rand through the same lens we would a man of lesser stature than him. We have to view him through his circumstances.

And his circumstances lead us here: to a man whose wife has probably been playing mind games with him from the get go who is trying his best both as an obligation to the family and his company and also to himself. We get enough glimpses into Kousuke's past to know that it's not that Rand had no interest in his son's life. In fact, Rand on many occasions is seen trying to instill something in Kousuke, trying to help him be aware of both his opportunities and privilege as well as the limitlessness of all that he could grow to be. I can only speculate, but with what we know, I have no doubts there was a lot of clever orchestration on Yui's part as to Rand's availability. They're both chairpersons of the company, and yet one of them was far more tied up - the one of them who is seen as more valuable to the family and company.

I want it made clear: what exists between Rand and Yui (and Kousuke) predates the affair and Nol. Yui was never a scorned lover who took things out on her lover's mistress and son. Had Rand never had an affair, he would still have been in this predicament with Yui and Kousuke, would have always struggled to reach his son as Yui continued to drive that wedge, to orchestrate their differences, to run interference. It was always Yui's intention that Rand be someone so completely out of reach of Kousuke that he would always be stuck vying for his attention, always trying to reach and surpass him, always so hungry or that approval that never came through. It just happened to be that Rand’s affair yielded another child, a potential heir (because it’s through Rand’s blood that the company goes), that she married this commoner man and afforded him everything she’d coveted and he embarrassed her, threw it all in her face, and made her look bad, created a threat to Kousuke’s position. But she already resented him, I think. She already had every intention of using Kousuke to take back what she believes is hers.

At some point, Rand must have grown exhausted, and maybe he gave up. Was that right, was that fair, when he had a child? When giving up hurt that child? When it comes to Rand, I think a lot about the safety demonstrations on airplanes, when they tell you not to try to help others (like your children) until you have helped yourself, until you've got your flotation device, your oxygen mask. If Rand himself is drowning, with Yui running laps around him running him ragged, how can he possibly help Kousuke? How can he possibly keep walking out into a hurricane, getting buffeted and thrown backwards by the wind, using all your energy just trying to catch up, much less ever getting where you need to be?

And that's the thing. When I say Rand's hands are tied, I don't mean it to absolve him - I say it to explain him. That Rand was always losing, that Yui has always had the upper hand. Rand has spent all of his time simply trying to catch up, much less ever getting to make an attack, much less ever getting to be a father.

I think a lot about the fact that at one time, Rand and Yui were separated, but they clearly never divorced. Why? What did he stand to lose if they did? I don't even mean just in his livelihood - though he certainly stood to lose a lot, and what happens to a mukoyoshi if they divorce, what assets would he lose? But more importantly: Rand stood to lose Kousuke. Even married to Yui he cannot protect Kousuke, but to be outside her reach? How much worse could it have been? Kousuke is already so incredibly isolated but we also know that Rand has tried to be Kousuke's father, that he has tried to reach out to him in ways that never reached Kousuke because of the interference Yui ran, because of the mindset that she had instilled in him as a young child that became such an inherent belief to him, because his love was commodified so that nothing he did or said to Kousuke could ever get through to this brain-washed child.

Another aspect of Rand's circumstances that are worth exploring is: he grew up an orphan. He was never adopted, he aged out of the system. Rand never had anyone to rely on, anyone to convey that warmth and love to him as a family might. He aged out and then took his life into his hands and became a self-made man with only his own back to rely on. Think about what that does to a person. Think about the way that might warp their perception of people and kindness and love. Maybe this was why it was so easy for him to choose a marriage for convenience. Maybe this was why he could pass up on the opportunity for real love. Maybe from a young age Rand was disillusioned, thought the world had nothing to offer him - the parallels between him and Nol are honestly staggering. Wouldn't it be so easy to make the choices he did, only to come to regret them later? To get a taste for something you thought impossible, or maybe something you thought you could give up, and be haunted by it?

It's not hard to surmise that Nessa must have been his true love, the one he could not quite give up, the one he couldn't let go of no matter how many years it had been since he made his choices, since he lost her, since everything went so wrong. And I think that as a result, it means that no matter what, his relationship with Nol would always, always be complicated. Nol would always be a reminder of what he had and what he lost - both in love and also in himself.

The parallels are truly staggering, and they extend far beyond the Rand Yui Nessa/Nol Alyssa Shinae cycle repeating itself. The kind of man young Nol described Rand as very much sounds like Yeonggi, like the kind of person Nol presented himself as. Yeonggi wasn't a mask just for Nol's friends - this was who everyone saw him as, including his family. Yeonggi was a means of staying off peoples' radars - never being so bad that he is in trouble, never being so great that he's also in trouble (with Yui and Kousuke). He was pleasant, got along with people, never caused trouble if he could help it. Not once was he roped into the family company - for better or for worse. He joked and laughed a lot, he seemed to always be there for friends. He was so much of what Nessa once saw in Rand.

Was it just that Nessa was the only person who drew that out of Rand? Or was it more of a parallel to Nol, that no matter how hard his life, these were integral core parts of him? Was he, at some point, taken advantage of? Did he trust the wrong person, reach out to someone undeserving? Was his kindness and friendship misconstrued by someone with far more nefarious intentions than he expected?

Something I can't help but think about a lot is the way that Rand always says what he means, but in cryptic ways, in ways Nol - and even often readers - cannot see through, that we have to reread again later. He never explains himself, never says what he means, and what is Nol to do with it, when everything Rand says comes off like a criticism of him no matter what? Much like Rand, Nol is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Does he please Rand or does he protect himself? Ultimately, they both have Nol's survival in mind, but one looks far less like it.

Consider Rand's words to Nol at the Kim formal - I don't deny that Rand said truly awful things. Does he fully mean what he says? Probably, in more ways than he can explain. When he tells Nol that he should be at Alyssa's side before someone less pathetic than him catches her attention, it feels both like "Do not leave her alone in a place like this with people like this because she will naively trust the wrong person and end up in a dangerous situation" and also "Behaving like this will drive away people like her". Is this the advice Nol needs? From his perspective, no. From his perspective, Rand finds him pathetic, finds him frivolous, thinks he's childish for being so lonely that he seeks out friendship at any opportunity, thinks he acts out just to spite him.

But from Rand's perspective, perhaps he thinks he is preparing Nol for this life - the family, the company, their social circle - the only way he can. He cannot reach out to Nol. He cannot be a father to him, lest Nol get punished more simply for existing. Rand knows all too well. He knows all too well what Yui is capable of - what she has done - and knows that in order to protect Nol, he had to create a buffer, the distance. In a way, it's like he sacrificed his right to be his father in an effort to keep him safe. For better or worse, Nol belongs to this society, too. He, too, needs to be aware of those around him, know who he can trust. In Rand's perspective, maybe Nol DOES look like he's foolish, going around trying to befriend people who might really be someone looking to take advantage of his kindness, who might be in Yui's pocket, who might be someone who doesn't have Nol's well being in mind. In staying with Alyssa, he's also keeping Nol out of harm's way, because he's not getting involved with anything.

Even though what happened to Shinae at the formal was clearly about Kousuke, Gun, and possibly Rand, it did still ultimately involve Nol. It did still ultimately get him involved and hurt - he wound up arrested and blamed for a crime he didn't commit and later took the blame for in court. Rand isn't entirely wrong: when Nol gets involved, it leads to more trouble, because Yui will take any and every opportunity to make his life worse. Even though this wasn't her ultimate goal (and it could be seen that Nol pleading guilty is not what she expected because Nol needs to be around and near Kousuke in order to be effective against him) it still worked to her advantage that it further plays into Nol's image that the public holds against him, that ensures Yui will be believed over Nol.

Rand isn't wrong: Nol underestimates Yui greatly, because he believes everything is about him and doesn't see how much worse it is, how much more of a monster she is, that this isn't about the illegitimate bastard son being a blight against her marriage, that it was always about so much more. And unfortunately we have seen that Rand is correct about other things, too - about how Nol's emotions get the best of him and while the "shove your feelings down and repress them" route is also not correct and healthy, we can see and at least understand why Rand operates the way he does, why he worries the way he does about Nol.

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean this: I mean that Rand has never had the opportunity to be a father to his children because Yui has deliberately run interference between him and one and if he shows any sign of affection, any sign of preferential treatment, any indication that he is trying to protect the other, it would make things worse for him.

He knows this.

Rand probably has an inkling about the night Nol was taken away - the first time he lost Nol. More than anyone else, Rand knows who Yui is, but has always been powerless against her. Without any proof of what she does, what can he do? How do you tell people that she is abusive when she doesn't lay a hand on you? When people make jokes of male domestic abuse survivors? How do you get people to see something that barely exists - because Yui doesn't have to get her hands dirty, because she never has to be direct. How do you make people see it?

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean whatever choice he makes would never be perfect, would never be right. What if he did it, left Yui and went to be with Nessa and raise Nol. What would change? Kousuke would be left even more alone. At least until now Kousuke felt that he wasn't good enough to receive Rand's care (even as Rand gave it) but what if he was convinced he was abandoned? And anyway, would Yui have stopped had Rand left her? I doubt it. It was never about the infidelity. If anything, it might have been worse. How dare this man, this commoner, come into her family and embarrass her - THEM - this way, to be given everything no one would give her just because he married her and then throw it away for what? Love? For a healthy relationship? To throw away everything she has coveted and worked so hard for? It would be such a slap to the face, an insult to her.

I don't think there was anything Rand could have done that would be "right". Yui would never let him know peace even if he left. If he fought harder, tried harder, maybe she'd have taken him down sooner. Perhaps not - she needed him to get this far so that Kousuke had someone to work towards, so that Kousuke can surpass him - but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have run him more ragged.

Do I agree with every choice he makes? Of course not. But I acknowledge that in his position, his choices are limited. I also acknowledge that in a man like him who has had to repress his emotions (lest Yui have something more to use against him), who has had to deny that he deeply cares (lest Yui continue to use that against him, to leverage it against him), who has been trying his damndest to survive and to help his sons survive when at every opportunity Yui is there to interfere has limited his choices. I understand where his agitation and fear and anger meet and how sometimes they are the same: how he wishes that Nol was never born because none of this would be so bad because if he'd never fathered another child then he wouldn't stand the possibility of being heir there would be no threat - that Nessa might still be alive, that Nol would never have existed to endure the abuse he did. I understand how he can mean and not mean the terrible things because he knows his role in all of this - that this was never about the infidel but it's still about the infidel, that Nol was always in danger no matter where he was. Reading 149 was the first time I really noticed, on a more immediate level - the way Rand speaks in double meanings, and how his fear and anger come out so often in what he says to Nol, because of how much he fears for him, because of how helpless he’s always been to protect him. “Why do you have to be my son?” Because maybe he both regrets that Nol is his son but more than that - what it means for him to be his son, the danger it put him in – that were he anyone else’s son, Yui wouldn’t have cared about him. He wouldn’t be in a position where he ever had to stand before the judge at all, let alone plead guilty for a crime he didn’t commit. “Why am I even trying, all of the effort will just go to waste”. And is he wrong? No matter the outcome, what good is all this effort? Not only that Nol himself can’t read Rand’s mind, but what if it went differently? Yui doesn’t stop - she has no intention and Rand knows it! If not this, it would be something else! “I should have just sent you away to boarding school from the very start.” Again, I don’t deny that a part of Rand probably means what he says, but I think the secondary meaning is still clear - at least if he’d sent Nol away maybe, just maybe, it could have protected him better. Maybe Rand thought keeping him close would be better, where he could see what was going on, maybe he worried he’d be in more danger if he couldn’t monitor him. Maybe a part of him couldn’t help but send away that one tie he had to Nessa - their child - had wanted to protect him for her.

I think that's the difficult thing about Rand. On some level, he acknowledges that thing are worse because Nol exists - but not in a "I hate my child" way but the guilt of a man who knows his child has suffered for his choices, the guilt of a man who knows that two peoples' (three when we include Kousuke, four when we include his own) lives have been ruined because of choices he made. It's not that Rand doesn't love his children - it's that he loves them so incredibly much and he is powerless to help them, that the effort he makes is never good enough that it makes it worse that it can't get through. That's the great tragedy: Rand was always damned if you do, damned if you don't, and it doesn't absolve him of the hurt he's caused Nol, but I also step back and acknowledge: what could he have done differently, that wouldn't have further endangered Nol? On some level, Rand has done what he thought was right. Only in hindsight can you look back and see how your choices were wrong, but even in hindsight you can only speculate, can only suppose. Would it have been better to send Nol away to boarding school, where he could have been away from everything? But that’s the thing with Yui, isn’t it? Her reach seems to extend as far as she wills it and she always gets her way. If she didn’t want Nol to go to a boarding school, she’d still find a way to stop it. And what if Rand had said screw it, stood up to her? Everything Rand did was ultimately to keep Nol and Kousuke alive, even if it was at the detriment of their relationship. He could have more openly defied Yui, but would she have let him get away with it? And who would protect Nol and Kousuke in his absence, if she did away with him sooner rather than later, if he went from being a fun game to an obstacle to be eliminated? 

Rand was always doomed to fail. That is the thing about Yui's trap - she was always set to have that advantage, Rand has always been trying to keep up. There was never a route where he succeeds here, because she always has the upperhand. What could Rand do for either of his sons that wouldn't have backfired? In a way, Rand's game has really been about the long haul. At some point, he must've known he'd never get to be their fathers. He tried! He continued to try. His methods aren't good but he tries to protect Nol, he tries to get through to Kousuke, he tries to give them the comfort he never had the opportunity to, but it's too late, it's all too late, but they are alive and that is what matters.

When Rand shows up after that night of absolute concern and worry, concerned about both of his sons, for the second time he runs the risk of losing Nol. He knows that it's too late, that nothing he can do at this point will help. He knows that at this point it's better to walk away, to leave Nol in the hands of those who can openly love him and openly take care of him, in the hands of those who don't endanger his life for caring. But we know that Rand loves him, no matter how much he has let his fear and anger mix up. We know what it has cost him, what he has lost.

The version of Rand that Nessa spoke of has never shown up. I don't think it's not that he never existed - it's that somewhere along the way he lost himself, the price he paid for perhaps the mistakes he made or the greatness he amassed. Maybe it was both. But he lost himself. He lost his sense of self, his identity. He lost both his sons, in more than one way. Rand, like so many others, is a character whose choices are rooted in his efforts at survival - but unlike others who are struggling to survive themselves, Rand's choices have been rooted so heavily in trying to help his children survive, too. He, more than anyone else, knows how dangerous Yui truly is, knows what she is capable of, knows that this is not only about Nol was never about Nol or the infidel, that it was always about more.

And yes, part of the tragedy is that when it comes to these cycles of abuse, sometimes the abused goes on to abuse, too. Rand closed himself off, repressed his feelings, tried to pretend he doesn't care, tried to hide how much he cared, and it still had ramifications. He did this to protect himself but look how it hurt others. And had done the opposite, it would have further hurt him and them. Something we as an audience come to realize is that Yui is so skilled at her manipulation, her execution of abuse, how she uses everything against everyone. Even her own son tries to hide his interests from her, tries to shut her out of his life because he, too, knows all too well what happens when Yui catches wind of any interest. So Rand closes himself off, he becomes an isolated fortress, an impenetrable island of a man that no one can reach and can reach no one. Maybe it's better, in his mind, that he was a cold, terrible father than one who couldn't protect him.

But the unfortunate truth is: there was so little Rand could ever do to protect them. He failed them, and not for lack of trying, but regardless, it was a failure still. And worse, because he was so blinded to what was happening, because so much of it was happening out of his line of sight, not only did he fail to protect Nol, but he drove him to another unforseen danger, one that he had hoped might be a life raft after all.

In the end, a man struggling cannot do much to save others when eh can barely save himself.

In the end, when Yui ties someone's hands, she does so expertly.

[willyoubemypartner]

Are 🫵 you in desperate need of I Love Yoo content through this holiday hiatus?

Come join @trashlie and I for Episode 08 of I Love Yoo Tea with Trashellie, where we cry tears over our glimpses of Ressa and analyze Fast Pass episode 249 ;A;

[Warning: Fast Pass 249 spoilers throughout this whole podcast episode]

[princess-of-songs]

I Love Yoo: Rand and Nessa Theory

Tinfoil hat theory time!

Rand and Nessa grew up together in Ireland and were childhood/high school (possibly college) sweethearts. Rand came from a rich, intense, and cold family. Nessa came from a blue-collar, warm, and loving family. They love each other and want to be together but presumably, Rand’s family doesn’t approve of Nessa because of her background. They don’t want their family name “tainted” with a girl who works with her family at a car shop. Rand’s parents make him break up with Nessa. Rand does it in fear they’ll retaliate against Nessa. In the process, he distances himself from his family and Nessa by moving away from Ireland. He meets Yui and the rest is history. On the outside, it looks like Rand has it all. Chairman of a successful company that he helps run with his beautiful wife and has an intelligent little son at home. But he’s absolutely miserable. So he goes back to Ireland to “see his parents and old friends” when it’s actually to see Nessa. He and Nessa have an affair and thus our precious Nol is the result. I have a feeling he frequently visited Ireland and Yui eventually gave him an ultimatum. Rand convinces Nessa to move to be closer to him and hopes one day Nol can meet Kousuke.

As we all know, it turned out disastrous due to Rand’s neglect and coldness toward Yui and Kousuke. Yui resents Nessa and Nol because she wanted Rand to be loving and happy with her and Kousuke. Kousuke resents Nol because he sees his brother as the son his father actually “wanted.” Nol resembles Rand and Rand actually attempts to be a good dad to him. It also doesn’t help with the gossip surrounding him as a child and Yui’s toxicity feeding into his fears. I hope we finally get to find out what happened to Nessa and we get flashbacks.

[hopefultimemachinedelusion]

"During the conversation, it's important to be on the same level with the child. When your eyes are in line with your child's, they feel important and safe."

✅️

❌️

[trashlie]

it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

[trashlie]

hey it's lil anon again! wah thank you for always writing such elaborate responses, i really appreciate you taking the time and always giving me a lot to think about 💕💕

i especially want to thank you for going into so much detail on alyssa. tbh she's probably the only ily character i'm just not very good at reading, so your analysis really helps me understand her better. i can put myself in her shoes, but so many of her choices contradict my moral compass, i struggle to emphasize... and honestly, if alyssa knows that yui is awful and/or that something happened between nol and yui (it's hard to believe she never noticed how nol reacts to yui - it took shinae 2 seconds to figure out something's off - at the very least she must know he's not particularly fond of her), then those "i want to be just like her"/"i'm jealous i wish she was my mother" comments to his face are even worse. like if her microaggressions towards him are unintentional, that's one thing, but if she's purposefully pouring salt into his wounds, even if she doesn't know the extent of those wounds, that's evil :/ sigh. anyways alyssa being aware of yui's true nature at least to some extent and possibly wanting to escape the trap (even if not yet, then possibly in the future) is a really interesting thought! the 7-10 year contracts as well, thanks for pointing that out. i'll keep that in mind.

very briefly re: dieter. i joked about it to cope but yeah i do feel horrible for him :( "the winner takes it all" and "of course i'll let you break my heart again" 💔💔💔 thank you for elaborating on his feelings, it's important to acknowledge what he's going through. i think this will be a strong undertone in the story for a while…

on nol and pushing people away to protect them: you've touched on the emotional aspect in your recent post beautifully, and i would like to add that even rationally, teaming up is the best strategy going forward. like i would love his fear of losing her to kick him in the ass, but if he can't bring himself to accept his feelings wants and needs, if he still wants to insist he doesn't deserve any of this, then the rational approach will work too. if he's smart LOL (i have hope!) he will understand that driving a wedge between them is the last thing he should do if he wants to a) make sure she's okay (not that she needs to be protected but ykwim) b) actually help her escape yui, and c) make up for dragging her into all this (even if unintentionally) instead of running away like a coward. it probably hasn't clicked yet because he's stubborn as hell and still deep in this pool of guilt and regret, but this might be an angle shinae can use to get through to him. that it's, rationally, best to deal with the danger together. and if being a team then comes with those moments of calm and peace, even better. she's not alyssa 2.0 and he knows this. the trust, the bond, the commitment is there, they just need to communicate gdi!!! aaargh. actually, writing this a mental image of shinae doing like a powerpoint presentation for him popped into my head LMAO something like "how to deal with the hag 101: ditching me -> bad strategy 👎🏼🚫🙅🏻‍♀️ ; teaming up -> good strategy 👍🏼💯🙌🏼" fgdhsjdkd hey maybe he's a visual learner who knows.

actually… i've been wondering if nol will remain closed off until the article comes out, and that's how shinae and friends will learn more about his past… and everything else, obviously. it's not ideal to have your past "exposed" like that, but hey, yu jing is unstoppable and the article is coming out anyways. the article isn't centered on nol, but it covers enough to give shinae & co enough insight. and i can actually see it alleviating some of nol's pressure, because a) someone else "tells it for him" and b) the article is a catalyst of change; a silver lining that things are turning around for him. i think it'd also help shinae and friends understand nol better in the sense that, oof, it's A Lot, everything is worse than they could've expected, so it's understandable why it's extremely difficult for nol to talk about all this, that he doesn't want anyone to be dragged into this mess. i can imagine it being much easier to talk about everything afterwards, when his friends have dealt with the initial shock and have a basic understanding of the events from an unbiased source. maybe even help him process the article bc a lot of it will not align with his own perception of the past. it's actually extremely important that the article is an ✨objective✨ retelling of the events, because nol is an extremely unreliable narrator. from a storytelling perspective, it feels a little too convoluted to let shinae hear nol's warped, skewed version, and then let her learn the truth from the article, no? i think that for the sake of driving the plot forward, it's enough that she understands that it's something very serious and that he blames himself for everything. idk what do you think?

related to that, i've been thinking a bit about how the article would impact nol himself. it's just… a lot to process, isn't it. to realize that you were punished again and again for nothing, that they've villainized you and messed with your head to the point that your entire perception of yourself and reality is inaccurate. all those years of self-loathing and anguish and guilt and grief. while the actual perpetrator is revelling in the sick satisfaction of breaking and tormenting an innocent kid. gosh. i don't see nol as a vengeful person, but who knows how all this is going to affect him… a while ago i saw a post that was like "sun-coded character but not in the typical sunshine way, but in the sense that they're bright and powerful and burning hot like a raging fire of anger and passion and fury to the point of self-destruction" and ohmygod. this is complete speculation, but i couldn't help but think of nol and his future development. of course i don't hope he would reach a point of self-destruction, that would be really tragic, but the potential is just 🤌🏼

anyhoo back to the present <3 the three days make me soooo hopeful OH GOD i'm trying so hard to keep my expectations low… like you, i think an apology/honest conversation would be ideal, but even if nana can give shinae some encouragement and ease her heart, that would already help so much. also, if the guy wants to be a wall then can he at least find a way to be a wall without hurting her?? like my boy you're not a bad guy because of whatever you think you did in the past, you're a bad guy because you keep hurting shinae!!! stop being consumed by the darkness for a second and deal with the situation at hand, please. 152 was strike one, this was strike two. don't make me teleport into the comic and bonk you like nana did 😾 and fgdshfkjthepossiblekissdontevengetmestartedaaahhhhhhhhh ahem not to be like that but walk with me for a moment ok. walk with me ashlie. remember that "will this make it all better?" drawing quim posted on patreon a couple of weeks ago? not saying anything so i don't jinx it but 👀 shinae's not wearing her bandana in that drawing btw 👀 anything can happen in three days right. teehee 🤸🏼🤸🏼🤸🏼

alright. take care 💗 -lil anon 😼

LIL ANON!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIL!!!!!!!!! ANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREAMS GOD god you just GET ME YOU GET ME YOU GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao (I, too, would like to bonk Nol Nana-style)

PLEASE I NEED a little spin off sketch doodle of Shinae giving Nol that powerpoint presentation where he starts off with his usual grumpy face and maybe even starts to roll his eyes but can't help but start laughing because I SURE DID LMAO PLEASE I WANNA SEE IT SO BAD?! Sprinkle in some tips from Nana's How to Banish Witches LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Let me try to go in order, though! I get so tangled up in my own words so... so easily lmao

I do feel you on Alyssa - and I get why she's so hard for most people to digest. I think she is one of the most intentionally hard to read characters we've met - we know just enough about her to make us think, but not enough that we can say anything is for certain. That's one of the reasons I feel like there must be something being held over her head, because I guess I do tend to have a rather naively hopeful view of her, and like to imagine that it's not that Alyssa is this terrible person as much as, like everyone else, she's caught up in some kind of terrible trap. Of course, it could be that she knows what a horrible person Yui is and what she admires still is the raw power. Maybe she doesn't want to wield power the way that Yui does, but rather just possess it? We've seen a glimpse of her mother and father's relation and can get a sense for why she wants to be a part of a power couple where the partners are independent, separate entities who, most importantly, don't control the other. (But we know that's NOT actually the case of Rand and Yui at all.) So one thought could be that she likes the IDEA of it, just perhaps not the execution?

But yes, true, the way she speaks about Yui feels so much like it's rubbing salt in Nol's wound. Another thought I've had though regards the timeline. Where was Nol living when he was hanging around with Alyssa? Was Yui around enough for Alyssa to have picked up on the nature of their relationship? Was she possibly so blinded by her idolatry that she DIDN'T noticed how Nol feels about Yui? But on the other hand, Nol specifically used the line that she knows he's invisible to his family and friends. I feel like Nol has possibly opened up to Alyssa more than he has to Shinae and their other friends. Maybe early in their relationship, when he was trying to make it real (when he had a crush? if he had a crush? when he wanted to make it benefit him in a pleasant way?) he opened up a little, and it didn't go over the way he wanted?

I don't want to paint Alyssa in a bad light because I feel like she's intentionally set up to be a misunderstood character for the reasons you've mentioned. She doesn't fit most peoples' moral compasses, she makes choices most people like to think they wouldn't. But just as I said in the last ask response, characters are shaped by their own experiences and traumas, right? Just like how Nol is so lost in his rightful fear and pain and cannot see the possibility that he's not the monster he thinks he is, perhaps Alyssa is so trapped in her own feelings that it was hard for her to acknowledge (or to correctly interpret) Nol's reactions? I get the feeling that in the past he covered it up more, but if he was trying to talk Alyssa down from her Yui fascination.... how direct was he? Did he have to dance around it without opening up too much? I feel like he HAS to have withheld a lot of information, otherwise you're right, it makes Alyssa seem far worse than she already does. And because perception is important per character, it goes back to that point of perhaps favoring certain ASPECTS of Yui and what they could mean for her, if not the way she uses them?

I always wonder when we'll get to know more about Alyssa. A part of me hopes to see her and Shinae reconcile (but she has to actually apologize for their past or else I don't want it lol) which I think could be possible if/when Alyssa has her public fall from grace. I still feel like that will eventually happen lol, and maybe THAT'S when we'll get more insight into her? I feel like she will remain intentionally withheld from us to continue to keep us guessing. But yes, I do always want to know more and more about her relationship with Nol, and how much she really knows about him, if she's been disregarding his feelings, if she's just blinded by her own needs, or if she really is just a kind of selfish, terrible person LMAO. I think we've seen that most characters seem to be redeemable - or at the very least, we can empathize with their situations and understand why they've made their choices - barring Yui and lol Sangchul (the whole of the Kims?) so it's a question of where does Alyssa really fit in? I continue hoping we'll find that she, too, has circumstances we will eventually understand.

this might be an angle shinae can use to get through to him. that it's, rationally, best to deal with the danger together. and if being a team then comes with those moments of calm and peace, even better.

YEAH YEAH exactly! Like, all romance aside, strategy and story-wise, I think it's really important for Nol to find the importance of being able to be a team with people. It just feels better to have that established at this point of this story, rather than to wait until years and years pass? But yeah, I definitely think Yujing's story might play into it, if at this point Nol is unable to make the (right lol) choice to team up with Shinae, I think, yes, having the pressure of not needing to actually be the one to open up would help. I think that expose is incredibly important to Nol, even if it's not directly about him. I think I've previously mentioned it, but I really do worry that Nol's feeling that he's a monster and that he's responsible for the loss of his mother came from his stint in the mental facility. Therapy and medication are fantastic for those who need it - but that doesn't mean it can't be used against them, either. For instance, think of conversion camps/therapy and what it can do to a queer person. I feel like that's why it's such an adamant belief of his, and why it's impossible for anyone to change his mind. It's more than just teenage angst and stuff.

Shinae is starting to see that bigger picture - that someone like Yui gets to get away with messing with and hurting other people while never having to face responsibility for it. She's already watched Nol take the fall for Sangchul. Sure he's the one who pleaded guilty against his lawyer's advice, but look at how the media was already turning against him, ready to believe that he was a monstrous rapist. So for Nol to be able to get to see that bigger picture, too - that Yui DOES make those choices, that it's not just about him, but about her own amusement at other peoples' expenses, be able to better see that she targeted him and hopefully be able to comprehend that it wasn't a thing he did or didn't do. People are responsible for their choices.

And yes, he, too, is responsible for his own choices, therefore he, too, is responsible for always hurting her. Again, I know I am SO naively hopeful sometimes, but I just have to HOPE this three-day extension is for exactly that - for him realizing that hurting Shinae doesn't protect her, hurting her doesn't help her.

like my boy you're not a bad guy because of whatever you think you did in the past, you're a bad guy because you keep hurting shinae!!! stop being consumed by the darkness for a second and deal with the situation at hand

THIS IS EXACTLY IT LOL!!!!!! I just have to hope that seeing the kind of regret he's wearing, the likely disappointment he was met when he took off that bandana and she was gone, means that he is rethinking. Or, if not rethinking, that he will have a moment of weakness as Shinae spoke of lol and that he'll make the choice to stop hurting her (yknow. intentionally lol). It just feels so strongly to me that Nol stands on the precipice, that he's going to make a choice he hasn't before? When he left Shinae in the rain, he was resigned to his choice (though was shaken up so much he ended up retching...) and this time, his regret seems to be shaking him a little, making him waver. It would be one thing if she decided to wipe her hands and go home, but if Nana gets to her and gives her that encouragement and reassurance... It's easier for him to accept her leaving as making the choice for hm. But if he has to keep pushing himself to make the "right choice", it's going to eventually wear him down, right?

I JUST WANT HIM TO ACCEPT THAT HE CAN'T MAKE CHOICES FOR PEOPLE. TO ACCEPT THAT IT'S BETTER TO BE HONEST THAN BOTTLE THINGS UP!!!!!!! I'm not begging him to tell her his past I'm just begging him TO REASSURE HER I'm begging him to FEEL DESPERATE in a healthier way lmao desperate in a way that makes him feel safer and secure, that makes her feel reassured, that makes them feel like a team!!!!!!!!!

I think you put it really well when you essentially said he needs to, to some degree, that responsibility for unintentionally dragging her into this - because no matter what he does, she's still going to be a part of it, and they might as well have each other's backs. He owes her that much lol. I know even if he explained it, she wouldn't hold him responsible for her involvement, anyway, but it's just the thought that counts lol. It's the way he keeps acting like abandoning her is the safest choice INSTEAD OF JUST! TEAMING UP WITH HER!!!! MY GUY PLEASE I AM JUST BEGGING YOU treat my girl better okay? I know you can. I KNOW YOU WANT TO. THAT'S THE THING!!!!!!

Again, I reiterate. HE LITERALLY WAS SO STRESSED AND UPSET BY THAT ALTERCATION WITH SHINAE HE WAS RETCHING. And NOW he's actually aware he has feelings, AWARE of the effect she's got on him, aware of what he wants. Before she even mentioned him leaving and got him crying (LMAO god when you think about it that way lmaoooooo) he was already asking her to dance in the most intense possible way lol CHANNEL THOSE FEELINGS BUDDY just ;~; Treat her right! Cos you are right lmao he's already got 2 strikes! And while I think Shinae will be more lenient than us SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Anyway lmao just to repeat myself: this three-day extension feels significant, I'm hoping it's significant in the Nol making the decision to change his mind way and not the Nol making yet another choice that only hurts Shinae and further hurts them by leaving them vulnerable to Yui and her power when they could instead be stronger together. afljakfajkfjkf

ALSO LISTEN. /LIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTEN/ I have been DYING to talk about that post? It just lives rent-free in my brain, 24/7. I think about it so much WHAT WAS THE POINT OF DRAWING THAT, QUIMBERLY ANNE CHEE?! WHAT WAS THE POINT?! Like!!!!! afjafjafkjjf it sounds like she's been really busy, right? She's had her assistants off for different leaves has been occasionally having to take care of a lot of the work on her own. But she had some time to make a silly little sketch to torture us with?

(I mean, okay to be fair, she also did the April Fool's one, too......... LMFAO)

BUT LISTEN LIL ANON I JUST!!!!!!!!!! SCREAMS i feel so taunted I feel like she looked right into my stupid little soul and went "I'm gonna mess with your head SO HARD"

ALSO I HAD TO GO RUNNING BACK TO CHECK THAT POST AND YOU'RE RIGHT?! SHE'S /NOT/ SHRIEKS fljafafafjafljafjaflkjafkjafjk and you know what's even funnier? I DID THINK ABOUT THIS AT THE TIME! I remembered double-checking her outfits to see if it was the same day and going "okay this can't be real because that time passed" BUT NOW YOU HAVE ME GOING WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF LMAO heck.

FLKAFJLKFJKAF NO YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE?! WHEN I WENT TO SEARCH I STUMBLED INTO THINGS THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN 2, WHICH I HAD FORGOTTEN /ALL/ ABOUT probably to protect my fragile, tender little soul FLJAFKJAFJK LMAOOOO SCREAMS i'm about to start swinging from the rafters and it's your fault LMAO AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES QUIMCHEE DOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS LMAO

Now i'm just. Gonna. Sit here and stare at a wall and think about these things lmaooooooooo

Wait NO I got sidetracked!!!!!!!!!!

You raise a really important point about how Nol is likely to be affected by what he learns from Yujing's scoop - especially if it's so that yes, his time in the mental facility was far more like conversion therapy as far as turning him on himself and seeing something horrible where it didn't exist and, to some degree?, brainwashing him? Because how does he reconcile the truth with what he believes? (Hey, that sounds familiar... any advice, Kousuke?) How does he contend with the grief of learning WHAT possibly really happened to his mother? Because listen, I stress this point again. I lost a friend to suicide and it's been almost five years and it still hurts me to think about. But part of my making peace was understanding that he was in so much continual pain, so much misery, that it was the only option he saw for himself. That's SO difficult to accept, because especially as friends, especially as someone who cares about him, you want to believe that things would have gotten better, that it wasn't always going to be that kind of misery. In Nol's mind, he has probably made "peace" (used loosely because BOY it's not peace) with the idea that in some way, he drove his mother to it (or that his existence did it). Especially if they argued, if he said something hurtful as children sometimes do. So how do you contend with the reality that it wasn't a choice at all? Death is a terrible, painful thing to grieve in whatever way, but sometimes I think you can kind of understand WHY someone made that choice, even if you don't agree with it, even if you wish they never had. But murder? Murder feels far more senseless. Murder is someone ELSE making a choice to take someone's life.

And whether or not Yui got her hands dirty, if she slipped Nessa something, if she was on a medication that pushed her into it, if it was something staged, the point still stands that IF it was not Nessa's choice, that means someone ELSE made the choice, and that is just senseless and cold and right I don't know what it would do to him? As much as fandom wants to see anti-hero Nol go on a quest for revenge to destroy those who destroyed him, I do get scared of the idea that he might go too far, and in his quest for revenge he could become the very monsters that tore him up, and god I don't want that. That feels SO BLEAK and, frankly? heartbreaking? lol I think that IS the kind of thing that could possibly ruin ILY for me, because I guess I'm so invested in the idea of Nol being able to heal and move on from the past and, idk, create a new journey for himself? lol I mean, I've definitely had the thought of Nol starting to go too far and Shinae being able to be that tether to his humanity, of reminder of the good in a world a dark and maybe that could stop him from succumbing to that kind of darkness?

But yeah.... thinking about it, I can see how it would start a quest for revenge. I like to hope that it would be more something that can piggyback off of Yujing's article, because we've talked before about how it's likely that this will only be the tip of the iceberg, it won't completely dethrone Yui, it won't completely take her down. But maybe, yeah, it could piggyback off it in terms of them fighting to make her and the Kims pay for their dirty deeds, to get the deserved retribution, without going down a path too dark to return from???

I think that quote is absolutely GORGEOUSLY Nol-centric, but my GOD I hope he's not a dying star. The mental image of him a burning star is SO tragically incredible BUT MAN more than ANYTHING I want him to retain the parts of him that we saw in Nessa, that we see in Yeonggi. I want him to maintain that humanity aaahhhhhhhh oh man this really tapped into some strong feelings!

[willyoubemypartner]

Ahhh, it’s here, it’s here!!!

You put it all out there so well, how Rand became the man he is, how he made those choices, how much he lost and how much it sticks with him, how he never stood a chance against Yui, how that one mistake all those years ago affected so many lives, how even if he had chosen differently then we have no way to know what his life would have been like.

When we look at all of our major characters through a survival lens, things really become so much more clear. Who they are, what their motivations are, how they see their choices as the only option, how they got where they are. How much their past sticks with them and informs everything that they do. Especially for characters so have endured so much trauma and never received the support they needed to worth through it. It doesn’t magically make all of their actions righteous, moral, benevolent, healthy - but it lets us understand. How they saw no other way and did what they had to do to survive

In the case of Rand, there are so very many things that he’s lost. Things that he’s never had. Things that he stands to lose. He began with nothing. No family to love and protect him. No finances to feed and clothe him. No skills to elevate and support him. He had no one, nothing, nowhere to go. And so likely he worked, and he worked, and he worked. Until he became someone worthy of respect, someone who could catch the eye of an heiress, someone who could become something. But he has always had to rely on himself, he could never lean on anyone, never had anything to fall back on. I think it’s likely that he met Nessa before he married Yui, that they rekindled later on in his life. That they met as he was working his way up, when he still retained so many of those traits he passed down to Nol. He loved her, but as someone who grew up with so little, who was clawing his way up the ladder - could he have known that her love would be enough? Especially considering how easily people can come and go. How his own parents may have at one point been in love, perhaps even thought they’d love him, and he still grew up so alone, so discarded. How he never got to experience something like Shin-Ae or Nol, where even when you can’t hold your home, can’t afford your next meal, can’t be part of society, can’t have safety - how someone who is there to love and support you can make it bearable, make it feel okay. How when you let someone in you become a team and face it together. While love is absolutely a need, growing up with no support network, no finances, no skill, no space in society - he probably so easily put the need for interpersonal connection at the bottom of the list. Is it so unbelievable that he thought the path he was on, being adopted into the elites, earning his way, was the right one? The more reliable one. The one where he still, at the end of the day, is relying on himself - possibly the only person he can really trust. Like Nol said, his feelings may pass over time. As much as he probably wanted her, when he calculated the risk vs reward, the scale came up short

And so likely he made his biggest mistake. He married Yui. Chose the “safer” more reliable path. I think their relationship was likely always a business transaction, even if not explicitly at first. They both so desperately needed something from each other. Needed each other in order to take the company. In order to secure their lives. It was a perfect match.

Except, as time went on, he started to see. How building himself in this way didn’t fill all of his needs. How he had a child and felt so protective of Kousuke. How those feelings for Nessa probably never went away. How he had so many people around him, “supporting” him, but none of it meant anything. How he finally felt the need for that love and connection he’d never have.

Except, now it’s too late. He can’t leave now. He’s responsible for so much - not just a company, not just his livelihood, his reputation, employee’s livelihoods, but a child. His son. Who he can already barely protect. We know that Kousuke was conceived around the time of Rand and Yui’s honeymoon, and we know that their marital problems had already started by the time Kousuke could form memories. The writing on the wall about Yui showed itself to Rand very quickly, but Rand had fallen into the trap even faster. He had his out, but he didn’t take it, and now there was so much more to lose. As mentioned, he already couldn’t be a father to Kousuke, was kept away by Yui, by the Hirahara’s expectations. Yui and Rand would really have wanted their roles switched - Rand the parental role, Yui the business tycoon. But, that patriarchal system failed them both, and Rand the adopted son had to live at the office, while Yui the blood daughter was expected to raise their heir. And then, Yui saw to it that a further wedge was drawn, that Kousuke could never be aligned with Rand, never be his equal, never see his father for who he is. That Rand never had any authority on how Kousuke was raised, who he became. He lost the chance to be Kousuke’s father before his son was even born, despite how much he does care about him. Now the best he can do is try as he can to steer him in the right direction, to drop those little hints, small gifts, argue with Yui enough that maybe there’s little changes, maybe things aren’t quite as extreme, maybe Kousuke can see through the rift that Rand does care and Kousuke is allowed to be his own person. But there was no way he could actually reach Kousuke, no way he could be his father, no way he could take Kousuke with him if he left - Kousuke is Yui’s child, the Hirahara heir, the male golden child after such a long time of not having a suitable male heir. There is no way they would let him go unless Kousuke himself, as an adult, backs down. And, even then, it would be a struggle. If Rand has any hope of protecting Kousuke, he can not leave. But, he also, as mentioned, likely felt that need for connection continue to grow, realized that his marriage, his business was not enough. No matter what he chose, he had so much to lose. No longer just a business, a livelihood, but people.

So, like Alyssa, he tried to create another option. 

He tried to live in a world where he could have them both, kindle a love with Nessa while sticking around to watch over Kousuke. His marriage to Yui contained no love and they both knew it, so as long as there were no lasting repercussions it wasn’t really wrong, right? And, even if it was, Rand needed it. Yui puts him down, is always antagonizing him, always making him fight her. Was he so wrong to chase someone who actually made him feel something? Who made him feel that he was worth something beyond the status he accumulated? Who made him feel special ? 

As long as it stayed secret, he and Nessa could have each other without anyone getting hurt. Rand has a recluse from Yui, Nessa has support to meet her needs, they both have love. And, at the same time, he can continue to be around Kousuke, be as much of a father as possible, protect him in any way that he can from Yui. We can honestly assume that things would have been so much worse for Kousuke if Rand hadn’t been around, if there just hadn’t been that second pair of eyes, that contrasting input. And Rand doesn’t even have to give up any of the life he’s built. He gets to finally have all of these needs met, even if he is still trapped in this abusive marriage with Yui, powerless against her. 

Except something went wrong. They conceived a child. Things honestly would have been so much easier if Nol was never born. Nessa would be safe, Nol wouldn’t have been abused, Kousuke wouldn’t live with so much fear, the brothers wouldn’t have lived their lives as antagonists. Rand would not be an absent, cold father to two children. 

Rand, at this point, knew the danger, so he kept them out of sight. Continued to be a cold father to Kousuke, but stopped his trips to see Nessa (or, at least, never met Nol). Better that he’s nowhere near him, that Yui doesn’t have any way to find out about him. But, he still supports them how he can. Still communicates with Nessa, sends them money to meet their needs. Tries to keep both families intact and protect both children. In caring about people while under Yui’s thumb, you endanger them, but in not caring about them you abandon and neglect them. 

And then, the worst case scenario happens, and Yui finds out. And now it’s not just Nessa in danger, it’s a child. Two children, as we can see how she hardened her control of Kousuke once Nol came into the picture. How she likely became more suffocating and abusive towards Rand after she found out that he produced another heir. Competition. How he received everything she’s ever wanted because of her and not only threw it all away, embarrassed her, but threatened her ability to take it back. All for this random woman. Truly, I don’t think that Yui would have cared about Nessa if not for Nol, if not for the threat, if not for Rand humiliating her and jeopardizing her in this way. But now she’s angry, and everyone is a target - Rand, Nessa, Nol, Kousuke.

It does seem like, after the affair came to light, Rand realized that he wanted to leave Yui, tried to make it possible. Probably tried to take down Yui before he officially did so that the threat to his family was eliminated. So that he could walk away with everyone he cares about - Nessa, Nol, and Kousuke. So that he didn’t have to abandon anyone. Maybe he keeps some of his status, maybe he doesn’t. That part probably doesn’t matter much anymore. Now he is in the opposite situation he was when he met Nessa the first time - it’s keeping the people , observing that need for emotional support and connection that matters, not his prosperity, his place in the social ladder. He wants to be able to rely on someone, to support others and to be supported himself. To have a family, to have love, to be a father. To finally be able to openly act upon that care that he feels so deep inside. 

But, it went so very wrong. Nessa and Nol were kept hidden, so very alone and out of sight, and Yui still found them. Saw Rand pulling away and made her power play. In the same way she did to Kousuke years later, when he pulled away from her in college and she pulled him right back. She took care of two birds with one stone, and took out Nessa. Communicated truly that everything Rand cares about is on the line. More than just his wealth, his company, his life. More than his ability to be with people. But people’s lives. Their entire futures. She took Nessa’s and it was gone before Rand could get to her. He kept her and Nol in his line of sight, hidden under Yui’s nose, and she still got her. And then, just shortly after, she took Nol away too. Had him sent away to her institution, to be isolated and abused. And Rand was, again, powerless, as she this time killed three birds with one stone - eliminate the competition, demonstrate Rand’s weakness, establish this world with Kousuke. 

Even though Rand tried to make new choices, to change his fate, to change their fate , to take it all back, to fight back - it didn’t last.. Nessa died. Nol was sent away. Kousuke was unreachable. Yui made a very clear statement that anything and everything Rand cares about is on the line. Not just his status, his livelihood, the company, everything he’s built - but people. Everyone he cares about. She even makes a point to tell Rand that she can see that he still cares about his sons and it would be a shame for everything he worked so hard for to come crashing down. Ultimately, she made the same play at Rand that she has to Nol - everyone that you care about is a target, so don’t you dare try anything. 

I think this is the point at which Rand gave up. His interference caused nothing but pain, this whole time. I honestly feel like so many of Rand’s choices that we’ve seen were bred out of a sense of profound helplessness. It’s safer for everyone if he is the cold, absent father. If he pretends not to care. If he does not show Yui that his children can be played as pawns against him. I think it’s at this point that Rand felt fully trapped and thought that none of them would ever get out of this situation. That Yui’s power and the hopelessness of their situation was hammered in by Nessa’s death and Nol’s institutionalization. And Rand (much like his son) exercises his bad habit of trying to make choices for other people and not letting them know his intentions, because he can not let Yui know his intentions. But anything is better than being directly in Yui’s wrath. While the intentions are altruistic, his methods leave people vulnerable, in the dark, and resentful.

Rand, after Nessa’s death, Nol’s institutionalization, and Kousuke’s captivity, became a broken man. He lost the love of his life, lost one of his sons, was so close to losing the other. Not only is he distraught, destroyed inside, from the trauma of these events, but he has almost nothing left, and he is still trapped in this abusive marriage. Still has to try to find some way to protect what is left. Especially when Nol, by some ~~power play by Yui~~ miracle is released, allowed back to him, given the potential again to have a life. Even if Rand is a cold, absent, even verbally abusive father - at least his children are alive. That’s a luxury Nessa wasn’t afforded. Nol could have been left to rot away in that institution. At least right now Kousuke and Nol are both alive. Even if Rand is stuck here forever, even if their lives never get better - at least they still are alive. 

The man Nessa described is nowhere near the broken man we see, that his children see. That man is very much like Nol, like the Yeong-Gi persona, the person that Kousuke sees in Nol that Rand’s children were never able to see in him. But, those traits have been left behind, pushed far away. That man died with Nessa. Whether those parts of himself were naturally lost, stomped out of him, or pushed away is unclear (I’d wager a combination of all three), but we can see that he has become this man out of the need to survive, out of playing this game with Yui. That, for whatever reason, those traits could not help him, and he needed to become this cold, stern, pragmatic man in order to keep his head above water. In the same way that Kousuke sees that person Nessa described in Nol, so likely does Rand. He sees that hopeful teenager, the man who fell in love, the man who gave it all up, the man who became so trapped in Yui’s game, who hurt so many along the way, who was incapable of protecting anyone, who was unable to chase a brighter future because he trusted the wrong people and entered a game he couldn’t win. But, because of Rand’s choices, Nol didn’t have a choice about being part of this world, this game. He was on the board before he was even born. So Rand does get upset about these parts of Nol, even if he does see the value in those traits if Nol weren’t part of this game. But he is, and Rand doesn’t want to see Nol taken advantage of in that same way. Perhaps is hurt by seeing those parts of himself in Nol, the life he could have lived, the life that none of them can have anymore. He realized all too late what was important to him, what was possible, who he wanted to be - and so many people paid the price for it. 

For a long time, Rand didn’t see any way out for them. I don’t think he realized what Nol is capable of and that they still could fight back. But Nol’s actions reawoke that fight in Rand and made him realize that they can still fight back, and maybe win this time. Seeing Nol defy him at the formal, have that conviction, that strength, snapped Rand out of that helplessness. He no longer has to be desperately protecting his sons, they can fight for themselves too. There is hope now. They deserve better. It’s no longer Rand alone, flailing in the water, trying to keep everyone’s heads above water. Not only does he have hope that his sons can fight for themselves, but they have people supporting them too. For Rand and Nessa it was truly just them against the world, but Nol and Kousuke have Shin-Ae, Nana, Dieter, Soushi, Hansuke, even YuJing and Meg. His sons can be stronger than he ever could. Now when he gets mad at Nol, it is when he thinks that Nol isn’t fighting. Because now Rand has that hope and he needs it to work this time.

And, again, such an important point about how Yui abuses rand is that it was never about the affair. It was never about Rand loving someone else. It was always about these power plays, before Nessa was even in the picture. It has always been about how Rand needs to stay in his lane so that, one day, she can cast him out. She can take back what’s hers. When the affair came out it wasn’t about him loving Nessa, it was about what Nessa and Nol meant for Yui’s goal. What they meant on that chessboard. How it threw a wrench in her whole strategy. How she had to correct the mistake, eliminate the threat, teach Rand a lesson, keep Kousuke even tighter under her wing. Rand is, as far as we know, the only person who truly sees Yui, knows how she plays the game, understands what she is capable of. She has simultaneously taken everything away from him and holds everything hostage. She made sure things played out this way, and Rand knows it. Since he knows the threat, is in the snake’s den every night, has seen what can happen, what will happen - he has to always settle for the safest option. He took that risk/reward gamble once, and it played out so incredibly disastrously. So never again will he let himself take the risk. 

While we can look at Nol right now, in his fathers shoes, trapped in a loveless relationship, abused by Yui, feeling worthless, chasing a successful future, experiencing and wanting true love for the first time, and see how easily he can change his path - to be partners with Shin-Ae, to leave his relationship, to change his course off that one-way path to misery. We can also see how lucky he is that he has that opportunity now. That he is not married, that he does not have a child. That he, in his teenage years, is feeling the need and want for that love that Rand denied. That more than one person cares about him, has the space to tell him that his need for that won’t just go away. That he has that ability to see what Rand could not, before he gets to the point Rand was at and realizes that he should have chosen love all those years ago.

Rand can see exactly how his choices led them to where they are, exactly how his inability to see when he was younger and the risks he took as an adult to correct his mistake ruined so many lives, put them all in danger. How there is no way out now, how it is too late. How it’s all his fault and he needs to protect them, but even protecting them puts them in danger.

Rand continually tried to find another option, to play the game, to protect people while unable to protect himself, unable to reach anyone. Tried to keep everyone afloat while barely being able to keep anyone’s head above water. I’ve said this on the discord, but this sentence once said to my own parent rings true to me whenever I think about Rand: "I understand why you did the things that you did, and I don't know that you could have done anything else - but that doesn’t change the fact that it was unfair to me and I am allowed to be upset about that." Rand made the only choices he thought that he could, but that doesn’t make them right. He did fail them, he did lose, he drove his children even further down the web without realizing what was happening. Because that broken, exhausted, beaten man, always trying desperately to keep up, to not lose anything else anyone else , had no more left to spare. Because there wasn’t a right, and as much as he was trying to protect them all, there was such an incredible fallout. 

Once things had already gone so wrong, where was there a right choice to make?

Rand the Damned

Something that has become really apparent to me about ILY, especially the more I have these deep dives into the characterizations, is that ultimately, ILY explores characters who are trying to survive. Nearly every character in ILY is clearly someone trying to survive their circumstances, and while some are very obvious (Shinae, Nol, Kousuke) others you need to examine differently in order to see they, too, are trying to survive (Alyssa, Rand, Yui). Something I feel that ILY does especially well is the interpersonal relationships based on both context and circumstances, and why certain characters are able to better get along with each other and others continue to butt heads. For instance, Nol and Kousuke have always struggled because Nol was never able to see what Kousuke's real battle is - that his quest for Rand's acceptance has been but a small part of his psyche. Without understanding how Kousuke has been manipulated, gaslit, and literally drugged, how could Nol ever begin to understand why Kousuke treats him that way?

Abuse and trauma alters peoples' brains. It's not something that you just... one day wake up from and move on. We will spend our whole lives trying to unlearn our unhealthy behaviors, our coping mechanisms and that's for those of us who haven't experienced such brain-altering abuse and trauma. A very common theme of ILY remains repeating cycles - that people who never get to heal, or don't heal in a healthy way, will continue to perpetuate their cycles of abuse, of their trauma, of their unhealthy learned behaviors. Someone who grows up feeling like they are not allowed to express emotions, feeling like they must tiptoe around others' emotions is going to struggle to open up about their feelings, to feel like their emotions are valid, that they're allowed to feel and talk about what they feel, and thus, their relationships with others are impacted. What happens when they are close to someone who feels like they are being deliberately locked out and left in the dark? How do you resolve issues when you feel like you have to pack away your feelings and pretend you're fine, everything is okay?

This is something that permeates ILY at all corners, because it's fundamental to every interpersonal relationship - that we unwittingly pass on the hurt that has hurt us, that our experiences alter our perception, alter our behavior, alter the way we handle things. When I talk about Everyone x Therapy, this is what I mean. Nearly everyone in ILY carries some kind of hurt, some more deeply than others. This includes even the characters we as readers perceive as hurtful: Sangchul, Rand, Yui. Perhaps even Gun Kim, but frankly that is something I cannot bring myself to get into and I think we lack enough information to examine (but even in his case we can look at his father and glean how Gun would turn out the way he did).

Perhaps this will eventually become a series, where I sit and examine some of these characters more closely, as I have with Kousuke and Alyssa. But at this time I'm focusing on Rand, because I find him to be an incredibly polarizing character depending on the take you have. How dare you sympathize with someone who has been such a terrible father tends to be the main gut reaction, but as with all parents of ILY, there is no such thing as a good, perfect parent. At the end of the day, parents are people also trying to navigate their lives with the extra responsibility of someone else they're meant to take care of, to look after, to raise, with few resources and no guidebooks. The one thing ILY has taught me is to re-examine my own life, my relationship with my parents and the ways they hurt vs helped me, and their circumstances. Ultimately, we will always be victims of our circumstances, the results of our experiences.

So! Let's talk about Rand!

Firstmost and foremost, I want it to be clear that I'm not writing this in an effort to make people care about Rand or make him into someone's favorite character, but instead just to help people better understand him and his motivations. Too often I think we fall into the trap of believing that we can only like good characters and that liking those who hurt others or cause harm makes us bad people. But ILY is a fictional story. No one is being hurt. What I think ILY provides us, though, is a deeper understanding of real people and the ways that all people are complex, no matter how shallow they seem. This isn't about making Rand into a favorite character, but instead it's about examining Rand's circumstances.

When we examine characters through a lens of survival, it helps us to better understand their motivations and choices, as well as what is at risk and what they stand to lose which heavily factors into their motivations and why they make the choices they do. There's a lot we still don't know about the nature of Rand and Yui's relationship: were they ever lovers; did she ever fool him into thinking she was something else; was it always a business arrangement? This leads us to further questions, like did he meet Nessa before or after he married Yui? Because so much of ILY is about these cycles and parallels, we can look at Rand and assume that maybe, much like Nol has tried to do, Rand denied himself something he wanted in favor of something else, something he thought he needed more. As a businessman, it's easy to see how perhaps he and Yui were an arranged marriage, something not for love but instead for mutual benefit (and this feels even more plausible given how likely it is that Yui herself was not allowed to inherit the company but instead needed someone who would be adopted into the family via marriage and treated like a true Hirahara and needed him in order to have any role in the family business that she coveted). If Rand knew Nessa before, perhaps he told himself that what he felt about Nessa was a thing that would pass, something he could live without. Perhaps he convinced himself that the ends would justify the means, that his life would be better if he made this choice and denied himself something else he wanted. Love? Love can come and go. You can move on from anyone, anything.

But it's clear to us that Rand never moved on from Nessa. Long after he lost her, he carried her with him in that Bible. He may have told Shinae that it didn't hold luck for him anymore, that it hasn't for a long time, but that doesn't mean it stopped mattering to him. In a time when Nol needed it most, Rand gave up something that had brought him comfort in solace, in hopes that it can provide something of comfort for him, too.

What has been something of a safety raft for Rand to cling to as he treads the waters of survival has now been passed to his son, and I think this is as good a time to examine Rand through this lens of survival, and to better understand why he has made the choices he has and further, that I fear no choice Rand could have made would have been the right choice; it never existed, he was always damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A special interest of quimchee's appears to be female-enacted domestic violence. This has come up a couple times before, and is a theme she's talked about before on streams about wanting to explore, but I think we are seeing that quietly explored in ILY as well, though it's not the forefront of the story. Yui as a character very much is one who leads a reign of reign of terror, who so confidently believes that she is the hero of the story and everyone who stands against her opposes her, and thus are an obstacle to be taken out. Now, I still intend to write at great length about how I view Yui and what are her motivations and drivers, but the watered down summary is: I believe Yui was once the victim of abuse in addition to having always felt like she is lesser simply for being born a woman and bears a grudge against men and deeply resents them for what they are so easily afforded that she is not, that she was never given the opportunity or the space to heal and internalized this to believe that people deserve what happens to them, that those who are incapable of fighting back are deserving of what happens to them. This is integral in understanding Yui and how, yes, Rand's hands have always been tied by her.

I think when I say this, people think this immediately excuses Rand from the hurt he's caused, but it is so very important that we examine the ways that Rand's hands are tied, so that we can understand how nothing could really have been different, to understand why (in his eyes) he is doing the best he was able to. Again, an underlying theme is that people very much are often the victims of their circumstances. Yui herself even touches on this, noting that she is aware she is afforded opportunities, privilege, that most aren't. She herself also takes advantage of circumstances, in order to better orchestrate what she wants. For instance, consider the way Kousuke was left isolated - she took advantage of her husband's unhealthy work/life balance and further drove a wedge between him and his son so that Kousuke would forever feel like he is working towards an (unobtainable) goal, so that Rand would always be greatly out of reach, so that they could never become equals, be peers, so that Kousuke would always feel that feeling of inferiority and then she learned to utilize that inferiority as a weapon against Nol as well as to further isolate Kousuke, leave him dependent upon her.

Yui knows what she's doing, and Rand's circumstances are very much the base of this analysis.

What was the nature of their relationship? Was it simply a business arrangement Rand thought stood to benefit him? Or, a possibility I explore a lot more lately, was it possible that Yui tricked him in some way, took advantage of a more sympathetic nature perhaps Rand once possessed? I don't think we necessarily need to know yet what the circumstances are, because what matters is where that left Rand.

The mukoyoshi theory becomes ever more important the more we learn about these characters, and as we view their situations through the lens of this theory, we start to better understand the dynamics it's created. Supposing this theory holds true - and I believe it must, since we have canonical proof now Rand has taken the Hirahara name as his own - it sets the following precedent: through marriage to Yui, Rand has been adopted into the family as though he himself is a true Hirahara born of their blood, and as it appears that men are afforded more rights/opportunities, in some way Rand holds more rights in Yui's family than Yui herself does. She could not inherit the family company herself and instead had to marry someone else in order to carry on the lineage, had to give birth to a son to carry it on from them. I'm not going to get too deeply into this, because I think this is for another post, but again, this precedence is important because we need to understand why Yui would resent Rand for reasons beyond his affair, why from the very moment he married her he was likely trapped in her web, and why his circumstances were always against him.

Truly the greatest "mistake" Rand likely made was marrying Yui, but we're well beyond that now.

Yui very much is a controlling, abusive partner and it's clear to us now how she's been manipulating and abusing far longer than Rand's infidelity existed. We can see in Kousuke's early memories that the agitation between Rand and Yui in their clashing parenting styles had already become a thing that was wearing him down, that she gloated from her throne where she maintained the upper hand. Yui possesses incredible finesse when it comes to how she orchestrates things, how she nudges the truth, how she hardly has to do any heavy lifting for things to fall right into place. There's a whole essay that could be written on Rand's role in both the company and as a father and the crux of it always comes back to: he was damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. As part of the mukoyoshi concept, Rand has a duty to the company he has inherited, to the family he has been adopted by, to oversee things to ensure things run as well as they can. But as a husband and father, he has an obligation to his family. We see it often in businessmen, in people of the corporate world whose entire livelihoods depend on their career that they must make a choice. At this time it appears as though Yui's father regards Rand favorably, but would he have if Rand had chosen to downsize his responsibilities? Had Rand chosen to be around more as Kousuke was being raised? Especially if it's as we think with the Hirahara family, where childrearing is seen as a woman's role, that this is what Yui should be focusing on and that Rand, the mukoyoshi, had a role to fulfill separate of that?

When Yui told Kousuke that they are different from others, she was not wrong. We cannot view Rand through the same lens we would a man of lesser stature than him. We have to view him through his circumstances.

And his circumstances lead us here: to a man whose wife has probably been playing mind games with him from the get go who is trying his best both as an obligation to the family and his company and also to himself. We get enough glimpses into Kousuke's past to know that it's not that Rand had no interest in his son's life. In fact, Rand on many occasions is seen trying to instill something in Kousuke, trying to help him be aware of both his opportunities and privilege as well as the limitlessness of all that he could grow to be. I can only speculate, but with what we know, I have no doubts there was a lot of clever orchestration on Yui's part as to Rand's availability. They're both chairpersons of the company, and yet one of them was far more tied up - the one of them who is seen as more valuable to the family and company.

I want it made clear: what exists between Rand and Yui (and Kousuke) predates the affair and Nol. Yui was never a scorned lover who took things out on her lover's mistress and son. Had Rand never had an affair, he would still have been in this predicament with Yui and Kousuke, would have always struggled to reach his son as Yui continued to drive that wedge, to orchestrate their differences, to run interference. It was always Yui's intention that Rand be someone so completely out of reach of Kousuke that he would always be stuck vying for his attention, always trying to reach and surpass him, always so hungry or that approval that never came through. It just happened to be that Rand’s affair yielded another child, a potential heir (because it’s through Rand’s blood that the company goes), that she married this commoner man and afforded him everything she’d coveted and he embarrassed her, threw it all in her face, and made her look bad, created a threat to Kousuke’s position. But she already resented him, I think. She already had every intention of using Kousuke to take back what she believes is hers.

At some point, Rand must have grown exhausted, and maybe he gave up. Was that right, was that fair, when he had a child? When giving up hurt that child? When it comes to Rand, I think a lot about the safety demonstrations on airplanes, when they tell you not to try to help others (like your children) until you have helped yourself, until you've got your flotation device, your oxygen mask. If Rand himself is drowning, with Yui running laps around him running him ragged, how can he possibly help Kousuke? How can he possibly keep walking out into a hurricane, getting buffeted and thrown backwards by the wind, using all your energy just trying to catch up, much less ever getting where you need to be?

And that's the thing. When I say Rand's hands are tied, I don't mean it to absolve him - I say it to explain him. That Rand was always losing, that Yui has always had the upper hand. Rand has spent all of his time simply trying to catch up, much less ever getting to make an attack, much less ever getting to be a father.

I think a lot about the fact that at one time, Rand and Yui were separated, but they clearly never divorced. Why? What did he stand to lose if they did? I don't even mean just in his livelihood - though he certainly stood to lose a lot, and what happens to a mukoyoshi if they divorce, what assets would he lose? But more importantly: Rand stood to lose Kousuke. Even married to Yui he cannot protect Kousuke, but to be outside her reach? How much worse could it have been? Kousuke is already so incredibly isolated but we also know that Rand has tried to be Kousuke's father, that he has tried to reach out to him in ways that never reached Kousuke because of the interference Yui ran, because of the mindset that she had instilled in him as a young child that became such an inherent belief to him, because his love was commodified so that nothing he did or said to Kousuke could ever get through to this brain-washed child.

Another aspect of Rand's circumstances that are worth exploring is: he grew up an orphan. He was never adopted, he aged out of the system. Rand never had anyone to rely on, anyone to convey that warmth and love to him as a family might. He aged out and then took his life into his hands and became a self-made man with only his own back to rely on. Think about what that does to a person. Think about the way that might warp their perception of people and kindness and love. Maybe this was why it was so easy for him to choose a marriage for convenience. Maybe this was why he could pass up on the opportunity for real love. Maybe from a young age Rand was disillusioned, thought the world had nothing to offer him - the parallels between him and Nol are honestly staggering. Wouldn't it be so easy to make the choices he did, only to come to regret them later? To get a taste for something you thought impossible, or maybe something you thought you could give up, and be haunted by it?

It's not hard to surmise that Nessa must have been his true love, the one he could not quite give up, the one he couldn't let go of no matter how many years it had been since he made his choices, since he lost her, since everything went so wrong. And I think that as a result, it means that no matter what, his relationship with Nol would always, always be complicated. Nol would always be a reminder of what he had and what he lost - both in love and also in himself.

The parallels are truly staggering, and they extend far beyond the Rand Yui Nessa/Nol Alyssa Shinae cycle repeating itself. The kind of man young Nol described Rand as very much sounds like Yeonggi, like the kind of person Nol presented himself as. Yeonggi wasn't a mask just for Nol's friends - this was who everyone saw him as, including his family. Yeonggi was a means of staying off peoples' radars - never being so bad that he is in trouble, never being so great that he's also in trouble (with Yui and Kousuke). He was pleasant, got along with people, never caused trouble if he could help it. Not once was he roped into the family company - for better or for worse. He joked and laughed a lot, he seemed to always be there for friends. He was so much of what Nessa once saw in Rand.

Was it just that Nessa was the only person who drew that out of Rand? Or was it more of a parallel to Nol, that no matter how hard his life, these were integral core parts of him? Was he, at some point, taken advantage of? Did he trust the wrong person, reach out to someone undeserving? Was his kindness and friendship misconstrued by someone with far more nefarious intentions than he expected?

Something I can't help but think about a lot is the way that Rand always says what he means, but in cryptic ways, in ways Nol - and even often readers - cannot see through, that we have to reread again later. He never explains himself, never says what he means, and what is Nol to do with it, when everything Rand says comes off like a criticism of him no matter what? Much like Rand, Nol is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Does he please Rand or does he protect himself? Ultimately, they both have Nol's survival in mind, but one looks far less like it.

Consider Rand's words to Nol at the Kim formal - I don't deny that Rand said truly awful things. Does he fully mean what he says? Probably, in more ways than he can explain. When he tells Nol that he should be at Alyssa's side before someone less pathetic than him catches her attention, it feels both like "Do not leave her alone in a place like this with people like this because she will naively trust the wrong person and end up in a dangerous situation" and also "Behaving like this will drive away people like her". Is this the advice Nol needs? From his perspective, no. From his perspective, Rand finds him pathetic, finds him frivolous, thinks he's childish for being so lonely that he seeks out friendship at any opportunity, thinks he acts out just to spite him.

But from Rand's perspective, perhaps he thinks he is preparing Nol for this life - the family, the company, their social circle - the only way he can. He cannot reach out to Nol. He cannot be a father to him, lest Nol get punished more simply for existing. Rand knows all too well. He knows all too well what Yui is capable of - what she has done - and knows that in order to protect Nol, he had to create a buffer, the distance. In a way, it's like he sacrificed his right to be his father in an effort to keep him safe. For better or worse, Nol belongs to this society, too. He, too, needs to be aware of those around him, know who he can trust. In Rand's perspective, maybe Nol DOES look like he's foolish, going around trying to befriend people who might really be someone looking to take advantage of his kindness, who might be in Yui's pocket, who might be someone who doesn't have Nol's well being in mind. In staying with Alyssa, he's also keeping Nol out of harm's way, because he's not getting involved with anything.

Even though what happened to Shinae at the formal was clearly about Kousuke, Gun, and possibly Rand, it did still ultimately involve Nol. It did still ultimately get him involved and hurt - he wound up arrested and blamed for a crime he didn't commit and later took the blame for in court. Rand isn't entirely wrong: when Nol gets involved, it leads to more trouble, because Yui will take any and every opportunity to make his life worse. Even though this wasn't her ultimate goal (and it could be seen that Nol pleading guilty is not what she expected because Nol needs to be around and near Kousuke in order to be effective against him) it still worked to her advantage that it further plays into Nol's image that the public holds against him, that ensures Yui will be believed over Nol.

Rand isn't wrong: Nol underestimates Yui greatly, because he believes everything is about him and doesn't see how much worse it is, how much more of a monster she is, that this isn't about the illegitimate bastard son being a blight against her marriage, that it was always about so much more. And unfortunately we have seen that Rand is correct about other things, too - about how Nol's emotions get the best of him and while the "shove your feelings down and repress them" route is also not correct and healthy, we can see and at least understand why Rand operates the way he does, why he worries the way he does about Nol.

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean this: I mean that Rand has never had the opportunity to be a father to his children because Yui has deliberately run interference between him and one and if he shows any sign of affection, any sign of preferential treatment, any indication that he is trying to protect the other, it would make things worse for him.

He knows this.

Rand probably has an inkling about the night Nol was taken away - the first time he lost Nol. More than anyone else, Rand knows who Yui is, but has always been powerless against her. Without any proof of what she does, what can he do? How do you tell people that she is abusive when she doesn't lay a hand on you? When people make jokes of male domestic abuse survivors? How do you get people to see something that barely exists - because Yui doesn't have to get her hands dirty, because she never has to be direct. How do you make people see it?

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean whatever choice he makes would never be perfect, would never be right. What if he did it, left Yui and went to be with Nessa and raise Nol. What would change? Kousuke would be left even more alone. At least until now Kousuke felt that he wasn't good enough to receive Rand's care (even as Rand gave it) but what if he was convinced he was abandoned? And anyway, would Yui have stopped had Rand left her? I doubt it. It was never about the infidelity. If anything, it might have been worse. How dare this man, this commoner, come into her family and embarrass her - THEM - this way, to be given everything no one would give her just because he married her and then throw it away for what? Love? For a healthy relationship? To throw away everything she has coveted and worked so hard for? It would be such a slap to the face, an insult to her.

I don't think there was anything Rand could have done that would be "right". Yui would never let him know peace even if he left. If he fought harder, tried harder, maybe she'd have taken him down sooner. Perhaps not - she needed him to get this far so that Kousuke had someone to work towards, so that Kousuke can surpass him - but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have run him more ragged.

Do I agree with every choice he makes? Of course not. But I acknowledge that in his position, his choices are limited. I also acknowledge that in a man like him who has had to repress his emotions (lest Yui have something more to use against him), who has had to deny that he deeply cares (lest Yui continue to use that against him, to leverage it against him), who has been trying his damndest to survive and to help his sons survive when at every opportunity Yui is there to interfere has limited his choices. I understand where his agitation and fear and anger meet and how sometimes they are the same: how he wishes that Nol was never born because none of this would be so bad because if he'd never fathered another child then he wouldn't stand the possibility of being heir there would be no threat - that Nessa might still be alive, that Nol would never have existed to endure the abuse he did. I understand how he can mean and not mean the terrible things because he knows his role in all of this - that this was never about the infidel but it's still about the infidel, that Nol was always in danger no matter where he was. Reading 149 was the first time I really noticed, on a more immediate level - the way Rand speaks in double meanings, and how his fear and anger come out so often in what he says to Nol, because of how much he fears for him, because of how helpless he’s always been to protect him. “Why do you have to be my son?” Because maybe he both regrets that Nol is his son but more than that - what it means for him to be his son, the danger it put him in – that were he anyone else’s son, Yui wouldn’t have cared about him. He wouldn’t be in a position where he ever had to stand before the judge at all, let alone plead guilty for a crime he didn’t commit. “Why am I even trying, all of the effort will just go to waste”. And is he wrong? No matter the outcome, what good is all this effort? Not only that Nol himself can’t read Rand’s mind, but what if it went differently? Yui doesn’t stop - she has no intention and Rand knows it! If not this, it would be something else! “I should have just sent you away to boarding school from the very start.” Again, I don’t deny that a part of Rand probably means what he says, but I think the secondary meaning is still clear - at least if he’d sent Nol away maybe, just maybe, it could have protected him better. Maybe Rand thought keeping him close would be better, where he could see what was going on, maybe he worried he’d be in more danger if he couldn’t monitor him. Maybe a part of him couldn’t help but send away that one tie he had to Nessa - their child - had wanted to protect him for her.

I think that's the difficult thing about Rand. On some level, he acknowledges that thing are worse because Nol exists - but not in a "I hate my child" way but the guilt of a man who knows his child has suffered for his choices, the guilt of a man who knows that two peoples' (three when we include Kousuke, four when we include his own) lives have been ruined because of choices he made. It's not that Rand doesn't love his children - it's that he loves them so incredibly much and he is powerless to help them, that the effort he makes is never good enough that it makes it worse that it can't get through. That's the great tragedy: Rand was always damned if you do, damned if you don't, and it doesn't absolve him of the hurt he's caused Nol, but I also step back and acknowledge: what could he have done differently, that wouldn't have further endangered Nol? On some level, Rand has done what he thought was right. Only in hindsight can you look back and see how your choices were wrong, but even in hindsight you can only speculate, can only suppose. Would it have been better to send Nol away to boarding school, where he could have been away from everything? But that’s the thing with Yui, isn’t it? Her reach seems to extend as far as she wills it and she always gets her way. If she didn’t want Nol to go to a boarding school, she’d still find a way to stop it. And what if Rand had said screw it, stood up to her? Everything Rand did was ultimately to keep Nol and Kousuke alive, even if it was at the detriment of their relationship. He could have more openly defied Yui, but would she have let him get away with it? And who would protect Nol and Kousuke in his absence, if she did away with him sooner rather than later, if he went from being a fun game to an obstacle to be eliminated? 

Rand was always doomed to fail. That is the thing about Yui's trap - she was always set to have that advantage, Rand has always been trying to keep up. There was never a route where he succeeds here, because she always has the upperhand. What could Rand do for either of his sons that wouldn't have backfired? In a way, Rand's game has really been about the long haul. At some point, he must've known he'd never get to be their fathers. He tried! He continued to try. His methods aren't good but he tries to protect Nol, he tries to get through to Kousuke, he tries to give them the comfort he never had the opportunity to, but it's too late, it's all too late, but they are alive and that is what matters.

When Rand shows up after that night of absolute concern and worry, concerned about both of his sons, for the second time he runs the risk of losing Nol. He knows that it's too late, that nothing he can do at this point will help. He knows that at this point it's better to walk away, to leave Nol in the hands of those who can openly love him and openly take care of him, in the hands of those who don't endanger his life for caring. But we know that Rand loves him, no matter how much he has let his fear and anger mix up. We know what it has cost him, what he has lost.

The version of Rand that Nessa spoke of has never shown up. I don't think it's not that he never existed - it's that somewhere along the way he lost himself, the price he paid for perhaps the mistakes he made or the greatness he amassed. Maybe it was both. But he lost himself. He lost his sense of self, his identity. He lost both his sons, in more than one way. Rand, like so many others, is a character whose choices are rooted in his efforts at survival - but unlike others who are struggling to survive themselves, Rand's choices have been rooted so heavily in trying to help his children survive, too. He, more than anyone else, knows how dangerous Yui truly is, knows what she is capable of, knows that this is not only about Nol was never about Nol or the infidel, that it was always about more.

And yes, part of the tragedy is that when it comes to these cycles of abuse, sometimes the abused goes on to abuse, too. Rand closed himself off, repressed his feelings, tried to pretend he doesn't care, tried to hide how much he cared, and it still had ramifications. He did this to protect himself but look how it hurt others. And had done the opposite, it would have further hurt him and them. Something we as an audience come to realize is that Yui is so skilled at her manipulation, her execution of abuse, how she uses everything against everyone. Even her own son tries to hide his interests from her, tries to shut her out of his life because he, too, knows all too well what happens when Yui catches wind of any interest. So Rand closes himself off, he becomes an isolated fortress, an impenetrable island of a man that no one can reach and can reach no one. Maybe it's better, in his mind, that he was a cold, terrible father than one who couldn't protect him.

But the unfortunate truth is: there was so little Rand could ever do to protect them. He failed them, and not for lack of trying, but regardless, it was a failure still. And worse, because he was so blinded to what was happening, because so much of it was happening out of his line of sight, not only did he fail to protect Nol, but he drove him to another unforseen danger, one that he had hoped might be a life raft after all.

In the end, a man struggling cannot do much to save others when eh can barely save himself.

In the end, when Yui ties someone's hands, she does so expertly.