#Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn

[trashlie]

I haven't talked Stalkyoo - or even ILY, period - in a LONG while here on tumblr and a lot of it had to do with the funk I was going through, the lack of energy I had and the inability to really gather my thoughts and force myself to be cohesive enough to actually put them down, but like I said, I've felt myself coming alive again, and with that, I've found myself falling back into my comfort zones of picking at ILY and the themes I love, the parallels, the juxtapositions, and yes, all the minute details that make Stalkyoo so special, what it is about them within the constraints of their universe that is so appealing.

We all know I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the purpose the Shinlyssa flashback serves, especially in serving to illustrate just how deeply Nol has hurt Shinae in doing to her what Alyssa had already done before, and why it's so significant that she is willing to forgive him and let him go at that time. As the story moves on from that night, we know that flashback inserted at that pont serves to help us better understand the things Alyssa doesn't reveal - the implication that she lives in an abusive home, that she is gay, that her desire to be popular is more about filling a psychological unmet need to be loved - as we watch her arc set up for the post-time skip second season.

But crucially, the flashback reinforces that Shinae fell for Nol for the same reason he fell for her: he made her feel special.

Shinae's trauma about her past with Alyssa, head injury aside, was that she didn't understand why. It was that Alyssa was special to her but she felt like Alyssa cast her aside, like the feeling wasn't mutual. Even regarding Rika and Maya, until she finally talked things out, she felt like she was just... there, that she didn't mean anything. Her mother left and took her sister and then what. Never calls, never writes, not even birthday cards or even a postcard??? Of course a child will feel like she was discarded, the unwanted one!

Shinae is so used to feeling like she is replaceable, easy to toss away and forget about, not worth a second thought or glance.

And then comes this earnest, handsome guy SO KEEN on getting under her skin, into her head, earning her friendship, and though it annoys her at first, he grows on her. She starts to VALUE it, his actions. She finds herself missing it when he changes and withdraws, aware of the change but uncertain of exactly what is different. As he pulls away she finds that she's the one doing the chasing now.

He made her feel like she's special. Like she matters. Like there is some kind of great value to her. How could she not fall for the person who made her feel seen when she was so used to blending in and taking up as little space as possible?

The juxtaposition of the Shinlyssa flashback set against Shinae and Nol's feelings finally bubbling to the surface is SO! GOOD!!!! Because Alyssa had such a lasting impact on Shinae! It was a ghost haunting her, following her into high school, clinging to her even when she met Nol. That hurt she carried, that scar she still hides, reminded her over and over how easy it was to discard her, how easy it was to throw her away.

And Nol proved to her (what we know to be true for Alyssa) that it isn't true, that she isn't, in fact, so easy to discard, that she is someone special, that she means something.

To insert the flashback that reinforces why Shinae believed herself so easy to discard on the cusp of Shinae and Nol's feelings for each other finally bubbling to the surface is to reinforce exactly how these two fell for each other in the first place: in the shadows where no one was paying attention, they saw each other, and they cared.

And GOD it's so SO SO beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺😭💕

[maibabbling]

Stretching with Nol

[mairelochlainn]

Shin-AeXNol- Les Amoureux

My first I Love Yoo video.

[trashlie]

I really love how you set up and format your posts - they’re so nice and organized rather than my massive thought dumps lmao and it makes it soooo easy for me to respond to your posts! 

I’m really looking forward to Nol and Shinae’s teamwork. Like Rand, I have a lot of faith in them, even though I do acknowledge like you it won’t be easy to get there. As you’ve stated, Nol’s inability to open up, his tendency to retreat and hide in his masks is probably the biggest hindrance we’re facing. I think a lot of their other aspects that don’t always match are things they can work with if that element is taken care of. 

A hope I have, though I’m not totally confident we’ll see it at this stage (idk my feelings waffle, quimchee surprises me all the time) is that Nol can at least make the baby step. That he can at least come to acknowledge that yes, they ARE stronger as a team. They ARE better off together, supporting each other, than trying to deal with it on their own. You mentioned their stats and nature and I was saying to someone that if we think of it like an MMORPG lol it’s like the difference in battling a boss on your own, vs someone else joining in and helping, and how you start to level up together. 

It won’t be an easy path at all, but I’m a hopeful optimist, I admit, and I think one of the keys to partnership - whether platonic, romantic, or even just teammates - is that you take the stumbles and you work on them. That’s why I think Nol being able to open up, to even start taking the baby steps towards that, is such a key to them succeeding long term. They have to be able to trust each other when they stumble. 

But I LOVE how you illuminate some of the things that can make them a great team even in the worst way lol. I know a lot of people don’t want to see Shinae becoming a cunning, manipulative schemer - and I don’t think she’s really going there, but those tactics can be used defensively, or used against a nasty sadist opponent lol. Rand is right - Shinae has to learn not only her opponent, but learn to play the game. She’s got a lot of catching up to do in terms of the others, but we’ve seen that she catches on to things pretty okay. Maybe not immediately, but we know she’s good at applying herself to things. 

I really do hope, though, that this is the beginning of a partnership, no matter how many hiccups it will take. I just... idk I know this is so cliche and cheesy but I want Nol to feel that fear of losing this - someone who cares, someone who sees him for who he is, someone who he can team up with. As much as it would hurt for her to learn things about him from Yujing’s article, I think it would be better than nothing - would it maybe make it easier for him to confess why those masks help so much? Would it make it easier for her to understand, so that when he’s ready, she’s already halfway there? Idk. But I guess the core of my hope is that I want Nol to see that Shinae is right, that they are better as a team, that it’s worse for her to be a sitting duck where Yui is concerned. They definitely can make each other worse - but they also make each other SO MUCH BETTER. And I hope he sees that, for both their sakes, and for the sake of what they fight against. 

Nol and Shinae's Dance Analysis.

I heard from some people, Quimchee planned the entire night sequence on December 21st to be filled with hints and set ups for events and character dynamics in the future. Though I don't know how far Quimchee is gonna put the hints since it's past Dec 21st already, but hey, Quimchee always insert some symbolisms and foreshadowings anyway so I wanna analyze this one particular scene because it has a lot of foreshadowing materials, and try to predict their dynamic in the upcoming Chess Game.

Analysis

1. Nol with the blindfold. He is hiding his eyes from crying so much. But why is he crying in the first place? One can only guess the reason, but we know the phrase: Eyes are the window of the soul. It immediately reflects our emotions, our fears, and our deepest emotive shades. Nol is hiding his true feelings (whatever it is: love, relieve, heartbreak, fear, anxiety) from Shinae. He is closing his eyes, ignoring whatever reality in front of him, and chooses to live in the moment with her --regardless of the consequences that might come after.

2. The head band covering Shinae's neck --or the delicate part of the body that must be protected, as Nessa once stated. Nol took it away from her. He also told her to take off her shoes earlier. Combine these two, and you have Nol basically rendering Shinae naked vulnerable in front of him. She believes Nol's excuse to play things fair without question; even without the blindfold, Shinae is pretty blind herself, because she couldn't see he's not fine at all.

3. Their outfits. They're both vulnerable in their own ways; Shinae without her shoes and her headband, and Nol in hospital gown with the bandages that covered his wounds. But, while Shinae's neck is out in the open (completely open with her feelings), Nol's neck is wrapped in bandages (hiding his feelings completely). They're not seeing eye to eye; it's not fair.

4. The dance movement. Nol is twirling Shinae around. Even in blindness, he had Shinae dancing at the palm of his hand. By lying and hiding behind a mask, he had her under his control. (Not that he has any malice --he just wants to make happy memories with Shinae before he's gone, but from here, we get a glimpse that Nol is capable of manipulating his partner to move like he wants to.)

5. The color. Rand said he has faith in his team. His words are in red in black, signifying power. He has conviction they won't lose to Yui. And sure enough, the duo is dancing without a care, they're building their team play. But notice the background color when they danced; they're not in the light (hope), but it's not completely dark either. It's basically grey. Despite Rand's hope, the situation seems bleak.

Nol who is blind, is guiding Shinae who is blind. You know what could happen?

This is the worst scenario though, I hope it won't happen.

The blind is leading the blind. One of them has to open their blindfold if they don't want to fall together. Fortunately, Shinae is quick to open her eyes from Nol's tricks. She saw Nol's tear stains and she immediately took the rein; she stopped their dance. Once it stops, we can see the light returns (even if it's not as bright as before).

Discussion

Nol and Shinae's dance has been teased for a long time, and we finally get to see it now. It's been teased from episode 5, when Nol proposed Shinae to be his partner. There has been many hurdles, but now that Shinae has fully accepted Nol's hand, they finally embark on a new journey as partners. Their dance represents their new partnership and how they work together as a team. And of course, being their first time, it's not all smooth sailing.

Nol and Shinae is a unique pair. They're almost like a mirror. Whatever Nol do that night, Shinae is able to keep up with him.

Nol and Shinae have the potential to be impeccable liars. They both can make nasty jokes that can cut their opponents deep. Like Nol's prank that reminded Shinae of her father in-coma, and Shinae's prank that reminded Nol of his abused days in the Hirahara Hospital.

They are capable of stealing. Nol stole the yearbook to investigate Alyssa to give Shinae the justice she deserves. Shinae stole some balloons from the poor, tired man to give Nol a happy birthday he deserves.

They both can equally be manipulative if they want to. Shinae doesn't want Nol to bolt from her since he seemed ready to do it anytime, so she lured him out using sweet words, shared her painful past to try to relate to him, and asked him to dance in Min-Hyuk's room so she could be with him longer. Nol doesn't want Shinae to bolt from him again since she seemed ready to do it anytime, so he listened to her music together, played around with her finger dance, asked her to dance --even taking away her shoes, and smile as Yeong-Gi so she won't run away from him anymore.

Whatever wholesome or nasty things, they could do it together. They'd be such a great partners-in-crime. But sometimes, because they're so matching, they often find themselves in unfavourable condition when they're not in synch. For example, like the first time they meet. Both of them were riled up by the mean guy's mockery; they stood up to teach him a lesson at the same time. But, because they had different idea on how to do it and they're not aware of each other's presence, Shinae ended up hindering Nol by spilling the juice on him --or Nol hindered Shinae by getting in the way, whatever floats your boat. Yes, it is an accident, but I believe Quimchee has been setting up their dynamic from the very start.

You get the gist. For the upcoming chess game, they need to fix their teamwork. And to get a nice teamwork, they need to be in synch. They already prove themselves they're capable of doing that, like their first prank and their tag team against Sang-Chul. But if they want to win against Yui, they have to do better. It's clear they're not there yet, because Nol is hiding too much from her. In fact, Nol is too smart for his own good and he hates putting his loved ones in dangerous or uncomfortable situation, it's possible he would "manipulate" Shinae in their partnership; he'd let her help him enough, but not enough to drag her into the mud with him.

I found this comment and I agree with this, though realistically, I'm not too hopeful Shinae could turn things around so quickly when this is just the very beginning of Nol-Shinae's partnership.

It's been hinted no matter how much Shinae is seem to be able to catch up to Nol, Nol is always one step ahead from her.

On their first "dance" in the Arcade Arc, what Shinae lacked is stamina. Right now what she lack is knowledge. Knowledge about Nol's past and the sticky situation surrounding Hirahara. Unfortunately, Nol is not ready to share it yet. Not at all.

Nol has always been in constant survival mode. Years of being preyed by Yui has build him to never show his weakness to anyone. Not to his friends, not even Nana --to some extent. Today, he just made a huge leap by crying on his loved one's shoulder instead of crying alone, but he's not ready to reveal it to Shinae. He has yet to process his feelings. It takes time. Things are gonna get complicated, especially when it's been foreshadowed that Nol is going to leave for a long time. If he does leave, it'll be a challenge to stay in contact and get close to him. And in the future, there will be much more things that Nol is keeping secret from Shinae. We already have Nol's investigation on Alyssa, for starters. Shinae has stated she doesn't like surprises and she doesn't like it when someone is going overboard for her sake. If she find out Nol has been manipulating her, doing all sort of things behind her back, and shouldering everything alone.... Welp. And she is capable of hurting Nol too, so... Yikes. I pray things won't get that far, I hope they won't hurt each other too much in the process.

I do hope we'll get a parallel of episode 65 on the next episode --Nol admitted to Shinae he's not fine at all, but since Nol is hard-headed, I don't dare to hope too much.

On (un)related topic, Rand, the Black King, has ordered Shinae, his Black Pawn, to inflitrate the opponent's den. Well, even though I said ordered, it's more of an advice on how to play the game. Shinae has the right to decide whether she chose to involve herself in this game or not. To make the decision, she needs to know what is exactly she's up against, and for who she's fighting for. And for that, she has to be aware of Nol's circumstances. Once she heard everything about Nol, there's no going back.

If Nol won't talk to her, I hope she can talk to Nana; I hope the two of them will meet. Yujing is currently brewing her article. If Shinae could learn about Nol's past from Yujing, it'll sting since she didn't learn it from Nol himself, but at least it'll start some conversation with him. Hell, she could even try to ask Rand if she's desperate enough. Nol is the same. If he wants to stand on equal footing with Shinae in the chess game, he needs to face himself, take a leap of faith and try to open up to her, little by little. He needs to believe Shinae is not as fragile as she seemed; she can take his burden and she won't leave him either.

If, in the future, Nol ever find himself immersed in his Antihero role for too long, or he's into his revenge plot too deep, Shinae needs to stop him from hurting himself. Maybe she even have to resort to some brute force if he keeps being stubborn.

Shinae and Nol have different stats in nature, so she has to get creative and proactive with her ways to make up for her weakness, if she wants to stand by Nol's side equally.

Just like Nol who has the capability to manipulate anyone -- including his partner -- if he wanted to, Shinae is just as capable to take the rein of their relationship, like the way she accepting and stopping their dance when she found something wrong. It's up to her if she want to continue the dance --letting her partner be blind, or stopping the dance completely if it means she could get him to open his eyes (come in terms with his feelings).

...

Maybe this is why Rand has so much faith in Nol and Shinae (especially the latter). Despite their flaws, despite their bleak situation, they can overcome anything as long as they're together. In due time, of course.

[denjidomination]

Shadows in I Love Yoo

spoilers up ahead!

Specifically with nol, we see a lot of instances where he is in the shadows. Shadows obviously signify darkness and in this case, i find it to be the darkness within one’s self. Us the readers, as well as most characters in ily are introduced to nol as yeong-gi. Yeong-gi is the light; while nol is kept in the dark. But as the story progresses, we notice the appearance of nol slowly creeping up. We see it physically as we see nol in the shadows.

This first panel is from episode 19, and the second is from episode 112.

Not only is nol facing the opposite side of yeong-gi, but he is also facing to the left. 100% this is a reach LMFAO but whenever i notice characters facing different directions, i like to point out what direction they are facing. To us who read left to right, going to the right means progression and the left is the opposite. Nol is alone and in the darkness; he is ultimately stuck with a depreciating mental state while everyone seems to progress with their lives.

Before his trial, nol spoke to yu-jing and stated that “if being a good person means sitting back and watching those i care about be wronged, then i don’t want to be a good person”. Once he said that, we see his face be covered by the shadows once again. Nol is the darkness slowly taking over yeong-gi. While nol as a concept isn’t inherintely bad, he is the other side of himself that he has been suppressing for so long. Nol is reaching his anti-hero moment. If people want to paint him as the bad guy, then fine, he will be the bad guy. Being “good” means being helpless and a pushover, and after so many wrongs, he finds that being “good” is not what he wants to be anymore.

After his fallout with his friends nol is, yet again, in the shadows. The light is so close to hitting him but he chooses to be in the dark so that he doesn’t drag anyone else with him.

With this last instance, nol is in the shadows, but also on a physical lower position than shin-ae. Shin-ae has grown a lot throughout the story, and that growth is what nol wishes to achieve. Within that same chapter, shin-ae speaks positively of nol to min-hyuk. Following those events, we see nol follow shin-ae as she moves upwards. This signifies nol slowly reaching for some sort of growth. These two are mirrors of each other. If shin-ae is capable of growth and contentment, then nol is as well. Him hearing about all the things shin-ae said about him made him believe that he can work towards that growth as well. Lastly, bringing back the talk of direction, we see nol chasing after shin-ae in what appears to be the right. *Right* means progression, *right* means growth. Shin-ae is growing, and nol is finally trying to be on the path that can grow alongside her.

[yeonggisbitch]

Nolan T. Oliver Lochlainn and his ability to turn every confrontational situation into a comedy show

[alinavgo]

More like Nolan "autosabotage" Lochlainn, your honor.

[willyoubemypartner]

They were so insane for this and I will never recover

episode 219 doodles

stalkyoo own my heart omggg i loved that episodeee (regardless of what happened the next episodes lol lets forget that)

[trashlie]

ILY FP 231

ALRIGHTY KIDS WHO’S READY FOR STALKYOO WEEKEND WHO’S READY FOR ME TO TALK NONSTOP ABOUT ILY AND TENSION AND FEELINGS AND EXECUTION AND SUBTEXT I’M RARING TO GO picture me frothing at the mouth rattling the bars of my cage because that’s been me and that WILL remain me! 

Look I’m about to choke out 246 different posts but I’m going to do my best to try to keep this one on topic... but we know how I get so uhhhh. Brace yourselves lmao 

This episode is just CATNIP for me, and I know I keep saying that but forgive me, everything we’ve been getting in these arcs is jus tailor-made, it’s the stuff I feast on, it’s got me scurrying up walls like a lil lizard chewing on the rafters shrieking like a banshee. I am FED and I am addicted and I WANT MORE!!!!!!! 

Nana + Shinae is just unhinged chaos I was completely unprepared for and getting to see them play out more in this episode is a HOOT. I say this with affection, but I am SO GLAD she’s not MY grandma cos WOW I, too, would be so embarrassed. (Actually she reminds me a lot of my mom, pls understand the embarrassment I have endured at her hand!) Shinae and Nana bonding over their mutual dislike for Rand was SO funny - like oh shit wait you don’t like that old geezer OR that witch? Oh you have TASTE (also there’s a subtle little... dig if we want to call it that “Oh I like this one” [eyes]). All the while Nol just sits by watching with that EXPRESSION LMAO 

In fact, all of Nol’s expressions are SO funny and SO good! I cannot get over his deeply mortified blushing when Nana called the headband his “comfort headband” and pretty much aired that he was so upset that he was fiddling with it lmao LIKE COME ON (BUT ALSO HER INSINUATIONS? NANA U NASTY FREAK LMAOOOOOOO implying he’d done something unholy with it I SIMPLY CANNOT) His expression as he fucking!!! Throws!!!!! His blanket over her with his lil eye buggin out? PURE COMEDY I LOVE IT 

But obviously the meat and potatoes of this episode is the Shinae Nol confrontation - and the elephant in the room. Nol says so much while saying so little - the subtext is off the charts and it’s INSANE to me that they are just.... confessing between the lines lmao 

Let me get this out of the way, my favorite point to yell about: Nol cannot resist Shinae. He tries and he always fails. He is so weak in the face of her - and now he finally understands why. She doesn’t seem to realize it, but she manages to elicit truth out of him, she keeps him rooted to the spot. He’ll purposefully distance himself from her - angle away, sit away - but he still ends up angled in towards her, drawn in. She gets to him in a way that, as far as we can tell, no one else can. It’s what made it so difficult for him to actually part with her - why he stumbled and clutched her before he finally snipped the cord, why he had to block her and when she got around that (her message in his spam) he had to drown it out with alcohol. Her gravitational pull on him is so great and he is now aware of it. 

I think he did have every intention to talk to her. Maybe he wasn’t going to be as open as we hope. He seemed like he wanted to at least try to clear something up. But his tune completely changed after she brought up Dieter, after she made him realize that Dieter saw it all, that he knew what Nol knows. Ngl I find this simultaneously funny and frustrating because it DOES put them in such a precarious position and Shinae is just SO unaware of it yet!!!! 

Nol knows that when it’s just them, things cease to matter. It’s the way he phrases things - like how he talks about when they thought everyone was asleep, because it was that cloak of secrecy that allowed him to be so bold. It was the belief that the whole world was asleep and they were alone in their bubble, no thoughts, nothing else, acting on their whims. He knows he made a move on her, and he knows it was intentional, and it would never have happened if Dieter and Soushi were awake. But that’s the thing about when Nol is alone with Shinae - he seems to forget everything else. She disarms him and he acts on his whims. 

The range of his expression is so good here - going from guarded and cautious to the moment he’s putting the dots together and he closes his eyes and screws up his face. Nol isn’t an asshole - he knows what Dieter must be feeling, what it must be like to have witnessed that, to listen in on that. Shinae may not have processed how loaded it was, but Nol can see it easily from Dieter’s perspective. 

And here’s the thing about Dieter, too. He’s not a fool, he knows what he’s up against. I don’t mean it in that he’s competing with Nol, really, but we know he compares his relationship with Shinae to other peoples’ relationships with her. We’ve seen him voice his insecurity to Minhyuk - that he doesn’t have with her what Nol does. When he told Shinae she loves Nol, he obviously meant it as a friend, the way he does - but I still think he was voicing a fear that he already had in his heart. Like Nol, though, Dieter isn’t good at resisting Shinae, and he lets his hope build up when he knows better. Dieter knew he was playing with fire. 

That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though - to basically have it confirmed almost behind your back. Dieter can see it for what it was - not just the way Nol was acting, the way he looked at her, the way he literally put the moves on her lol but it was the way she received it, the way she flusters under his gaze. It was how she stayed at his side the whole time, how her concern for him outshines her need for sleep or food. 

Nol’s guilt is SO strong, it permeates this episode, but I think it’s also very much twisted with his fear. It’s easier to use the guilt, to frame around that, because in his mind he fucks things up all the time, he makes things worse, his existence creates more problems. I love that Shinae calls him out on the fact that it’s not his fault that his plan to get her and Dieter together didn’t work because it’s true. While he’s not wrong to some degree - pushing Dieter and Shinae to be friends does kind of prolong the pain, at the end of the day, they all make their choices. Dieter chose to collect those moments with Shinae knowing they were supposed to be strictly platonic, everything as friends. Shinae still chose to confide in him, to open up, to let him in. Just because Nol pushed the friendship it doesn’t mean they had no agency in the matter. 

But obviously the real issue is not that he pushed them, that it draws out the pain for Dieter. It’s that he did all of that and in the end, he was the one who hurt him the most. It wasn’t that Shinae didn’t reciprocate - it was that Nol has feelings, too. 

Now, I want to make a point here that I’m sure we’re all on the same page about. No one is really “at fault” here. It’s not like anyone has done anything wrong. Sure we can argue that Shinae has gotten Dieter’s hopes up unintentionally. Sure we can argue that liking someone your friend likes is bad. But human feelings are messy and don’t exist in a vacuum of good vs bad. The whole thing about dibs is so gross in general - it denies someone agency and instead rests on those who like them. Is Nol a bad friend for falling for someone his friend also likes? Is Shinae a bad person for falling for the friend of the guy who likes her? Obviously there are things that need to be cleared up - she needs to sort out her feelings for them, but the point remains. No one is at fault. 

But that doesn’t mean Nol won’t feel guilty, won’t feel like an asshole for finding a new way to hurt the people he cares about. 

I know this sounds crazy but I kind of lmao like the way he told Shinae she needs to go, that “You can’t be here alone with me any longer.” 

Nol has acknowledged his role in this. He acknowledges the way he deliberately hurt Dieter, even though it wasn’t his intention. And what’s more is what he’s not saying - the subtext. That she can’t be alone with him because they will continue to say and do things that will hurt Dieter, that will create more pain. Nol knows how easily Shinae can disarm him if he’s not vigilante. All it takes is her bringing him ease again, him falling back into that comfort, forgetting the rest of the world, acting on it again. 

There’s something that feels so urgent about it? Intense? That she NEEDS to go because he doesn’t have the willpower any more. That he’s trying REALLY HARD to be a good person, a good friend, but it’s so difficult. He says it every which way besides with words, and if you read between the lines he’s practically screaming it out loud. 

I actually think he’s handling it pretty well, even if it doesn’t clear things up for Shinae in the moment. He’s acting on Dieter’s behalf - but also on his own. And hers. Shinae needs to come to the conclusion he has and it’s not for him to tell her. Part of why it’s so easy for Shinae to let herself feel that way with Dieter is because she knows he likes her. He’s safe and comfortable. Had he never confessed would she think anything of the way he looks at her? Would she think anything of the comfort he brings her? But because she knows, it has affected her view. I don’t say that like it’s a bad thing, because we all respond to people based on how they feel about us, I think. But if Nol were to speak those words out loud, if he were to tell her “it’s because I like you!” how would it make her feel? Would it influence what she thinks about him? Surely it would! 

Nol is trying to get Shinae to come to the same realization he has, and more so, he’s trying to get her to be clear about her feelings. Do you like me or not? Do you act this way with everyone? He sees the way she gets flustered, he knows the effect he’s got on her. He’s probably sure she reciprocates those feelings and hasn’t figured it out yet - but there’s still a shadow of a doubt. There’s still the fact that maybe he’s reading into it, maybe he’s seeing something that isn’t there. Maybe she’s someone who cares about him and he’s misread it because he’s so desperate to matter to someone, anyone. 

Look we all know better, but we also know how doubts persist! 

There’s so much ANGST but it’s SO good! It’s not angst for the sake of angst, it’s not drawing something out just to make the story last. Nol’s expressions cause me PAIN, Shinae’s make me ACHE. He feels like a guilty asshole, he wants her to go, but he can’t even look at her and say it - he looks away, his mouth set in that way holding back all the things he believes he should not say. Honestly they are so good at hurting each other ;______; it hurts ME, too! 

But also, I get it. I’m with Nol here. How can he bear to look at her when he’s pushing her away again? How can he bear to look at her when it’s all his fault (according to him). He can’t even look at her when he tells her Dieter was awake the whole time. It’s such a loaded statement but unfortunately it doesn’t QUITE land because Shinae can’t quite grasp the significance. 

Actually this whole part is both so funny and so unbearable to me lmao because Nol is all but saying that Dieter oversaw them having a very non-platonic moment and she’s like i don’t get it why’s that a big deal LMAOOOOOO ;____; Nol is going THROUGH it okay! She keeps insisting that it meant nothing, that it’s just friends, what’s wrong with that. And Nol can’t come out and say the truth - that it looked romantic that it felt romantic, that he meant all of it and that’s why it’s so wrong. The whole time he’s trying to get her to understand WHY that hurts Dieter and she’s just hurting him at the same time LMAO OUCH 

I LOVE those panels where we can’t see their faces - where it’s Nol’s frustration and anguish that she doesn’t get it, that he’s trying, that he feels awful because of course those feelings are still there why wouldn’t they be. His frustration, the faint lines on Shinae’s face. 

Maybe it’s there at the back of her mind - something faint, something distant. Maybe for a moment she understands what Nol isn’t saying, the implications of what Dieter oversaw, overheard. But if it, she doesn’t acknowledge it at all. 

Nol’s hand over his face in frustration, that panel where we close in on his eye and Shinae says “You’re not intentionally trying to hurt him!” But... he is. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt Dieter - but he IS intentionally doing things that hurt him. And he still wants to! That’s the thing, that’s why he needs her to go. It’s so easy to fall into that, to act on that, to forget Dieter exists and instead indulge a little. It may not be his intention to hurt Dieter, but it’s his intention to do things that WOULD hurt him, and she doesn’t get it. 

But GOD lmao the way she just starts to rub salt in the wound!!!!! “Whatever he thinks is just a misunderstanding. There’s NOTHING going on here!” 

In ILY universe, nothing is always Nol. There is Nol going on here. 

And look, I feel for him here, a LOT. This must be SO hard!!!! Not just the pushing her away, not just knowing he hurt Dieter, but having this whole conversation, her not getting it, her taking a moment that clearly meant SO MUCH to him and saying it meant nothing. Again, there’s so much that is LOADED when she says “We’re all friends here!” and he says that resolute “No”, his eyes hidden from us, his hands firm on the wheelchair. 

Shinae misconstrues it as no, we aren’t all friends, but what Nol means is that no it’s not just friends. It’s two different people who like her a lot. It’s knowing he acted on something that hurt his friend. That moment wasn’t platonic, wasn’t just friendship - not for him. Clearly she’s unready to see it, but he knows it. No. We’re not friends here - we are people who like you so very much. 

GOD, THE ANGST, THE ANGUISH. I AM SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS I’M HOOTING. 

I LOVE the moment he says he can’t take this - he can’t keep having this conversation, can’t take being shut down like this, can’t handle her downplaying a significant moment. If she wants to tell herself it was nothing but to keep reiterating it to him? Unbearable! But also I LOVE that Shinae stands her group and puts her foot down, I love her calling him out because like I get it! I understand both of them. She’s had no time to process any of this, all she knows is she wants him to stop pushing her away, she wants him to stop boxing her out, she wants him to be OPEN. 

In a way, they are fighting for the same thing, but they keep obstructing each other. They want the same thing but they’re speaking in different languages. He WANTS her to see it - that it wasn’t a platonic moment, that he meant it that it matters that their fingerprints are all over it. He wants her to see what Dieter saw. She wants him to show himself, to open up, to stop hiding, to be vulnerable. They are trying SO HARD to get the same thing, but they just keep butting heads and getting in each others’ way. 

AND WHEN SHE TELLS NOL THAT SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DATING DIETER? OH MY /GOD/ lmao alkjfkjafkjafkjafkjja alfjakfjj SHRIEKS 

Not ONLY has she basically downplayed this whole romantic moment, downplayed whatever is transpiring between them but she goes on to say SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DIETER?! LMAOOOOOOOOO Again I reiterate no one is at fault here!!!!!! But lmaooooo the OUCHIES of this whole conversation! Isn’t it bad enough that she says it was nothing it doesn’t mean anything, and then she goes on to be like I mean i don’t totally NOT not like him idk..... LMAO 

He’s clearly frustrated both in trying to get her to understand what he isn’t voicing, but also because he seems like such a resolute person? Or at least, he tries to be. I assume it’s kind of like... he realized he likes her and that’s it. It’s not that he thinks he might like her, it’s not that he might have some feelings. He knows he’s all in, all feelings, all eyes on her. And she appears so wishy washy - flirting with him but doesn’t acknowledge it, unintentionally stringing Dieter along and igniting that hope. 

And the thing is she isn’t doing any of this maliciously. She’s tried to be clear with Dieter! It’s not her fault that he keeps getting his hopes up. She’s had no time to process her feelings for Nol, has had no experiences to compare any of this to. I love this conversation between them because it illuminates how little Shinae knows about feelings, about love, about romance. She hasn’t let anyone in in a long time, has guarded herself so tightly, and now that she has, how is she to understand the ways they affect her, what their significance means? 

It’s easy to see why she keeps trying to box her feelings about Nol into a box they don’t fit. Of course she cares, of course she worries, that’s what friends do. It’s not that she cares, though - it’s why. Does she care as a friend or does she care as something else? That’s what he’s trying to get her to answer - and I think he got close. But she needs to distance herself from the night, too. She needs to dwell on those feelings - and not just the intensity of trying to hang on to him, but the other feelings, too. The butterflies, the fluttering, the fluster, the way she can’t meet his gaze, the way she starts to fluster if he looks at her for too long. 

Someone said that Shinae is practically confessing to Nol and doesn’t even realize it and my god they’re right lmao. The way Shinae argues back that she knows Nol didn’t like it when she left after they danced, that she knows he was bummed, can you really throw all that away what we’ve been through, how effortless we are? lmao SHE REALLY JUST. Goes on saying it!!! AND SHE DOESN’T RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS. 

(I mean she did a whole damn love soliloquy in front of Minhyuk for Nol so like. It’s been an all night thing lmao) 

Also it hurt when Nol admits that Dieter doesn’t have that with Shinae - not even as her friend. Even if she does not not want to date him, even if a part of her DOES like him - does it compare to what she feels about Nol? Does it compare to what he means to her? He can’t look her in the eye, and even as she tries to play it off, to say hey all friendships are different does it really matter SHE can’t meet his eye. 

Consciously Shinae may not be aware of it but on some level she must know. On some subconscious level, that ghost of a thought passes by, a faint wave of shame. She doesn’t share with Dieter what she shares with Nol. It’s true that there’s something there, but it’s something she’s avoiding, something she consciously cannot face yet. 

BUT LISTEN, MY GOD. NOL ASKING HER WHY SHE CARES /SCREAMS JUST SCREAMS ALJKFKJAFJKAFLJ AFJALJJAF AFJAKFJFA

He’s pushing!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that Nol is a ball of contradiction. He wants Shinae to acknowledge what he isn’t saying out loud, he wants her to realize that it means something to him, that there are feelings, that it’s not platonic, and he wants her to acknowledge so she understands why he’s pushing her away. But I think he also wants her to admit it herself. Confirm what he suspects. She fights SO hard but she can’t say why. She cares so much but she can’t elaborate. 

Convince me. 

LKJFKJAF LAJFKAJFA F /SCALES THE WALLS PARKOURS ACROSS ALL THE ROOFS IN THE NEIGHBORBOOD. 

He knows. HE KNOWS. Convince him he’s wrong. Convince him it’s not what he thinks. Convince her that her extent of care of need her desperate desire to keep hold of him to make him show himself to her to be vulnerable with him is platonic. Convince him. 

AND SHE CAN’T!!!!!!!!! 

Again, she averts her gaze! Again, she flusters and blushes. Again he disarms her just by looking at her and he takes advantage of the moment to finally kick her out. 

GOD WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BARK BARK BARK WOOOOF RLKJJKJ RRRRGGHHR RRRRHGHGHG LDKJC YIP YIP YIP 

IT’S SO GOOD. THE SUBTEXT, THE EXPRESSIONS, THE DANCE AROUND THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, THE ANGST, THE EMOTIONS. 

And no matter which standpoint you look at it from it’s just GOOD. 

Nol feels guilty, like an asshole, he has hurt his friend. But more than that - it’s how he knows he can’t be alone with her, how he knows he can’t stop himself any more from acting on what he wants. He needs to PHYSICALLY remove her because that’s how little resistance he has, because that’s how much she gets to him, how much she affects him. It’s the way it hurts to have this conversation - where if he says the words out loud it makes them real and it becomes a weight she has to carry. If he can make her reach the conclusion on her own, maybe it won’t be so bad. He won’t have to deal with the pain if she doesn’t reciprocate - if she comes to the right conclusion and keeps her distance. If he says them out loud and she has to turn him down? He can’t handle that he can’t bear it. But at the same time, every time she denies that their shared moment meant nothing, that the way he looked at her, the way he treated her (HOW HE TOUCHED HER?????) was just platonic to him???? HOW CAN HE BEAR TO ENDURE THAT CONVERSATION?! 

And it’s not that it means nothing - she just needs the space and time to process it, to really play out what happened. I think, too, on some level she IS subconsciously repressing it. Isn’t it scary? Especially because Nol is a person who comes and goes, who pushes her away and then shares these intense moments and then shoves her away again. What good is it to acknowledge what he means when she can barely keep a hold on him as a friend, when she can barely make him understand his significance. Nol and Dieter both are such good friends to her, people she can rely on, people who make her feel safe. Sure Nol may not make her feel secure all the time lmao but when it’s just them, when they’re lost in that little world, for the moment, he does. It’s scary, to think of losing any of that. All the relationships she’s ever been privy to have fallen apart. There’s no photos, no memories of her family as a whole unit. She’s seen what Rand and Yui look like. She’s got no experience of her own, and now that she has friends she loves so much, she’s too afraid to lose them. 

How can she begin to dissect what Nol means to her when it makes him feel more fleeting? How can she begin to understand what exists between them is romantic when she’s never really witnessed a healthy successful romance exist?

The thing that makes friends to lovers SUCH a good trope, and why I love it SO MUCH is the stakes, the risk vs the payout. What if you take that step and it all goes wrong? What if you mess it up and you lose someone who is SO important to you, someone who means so much? What if all goes wrong and you can’t put it back together and you make something beautiful all wrong by getting your fingerprints on it and chipping the corners? You start to fear even the possibility because sure it could go well - but if it goes bad you lose it ALL. Everything. 

But what is life if you don’t take some risks? Can you live with that regret, if you never take a chance, if you miss out on something you wanted? 

That’s the thing about Dieter, isn’t it? He knows the risks. He knows he’s playing with fire, knows he doesn’t quite have with Shinae what Nol does. But he still tries. He still lets his unwavering hope go, even if it hurts him. He can’t ever say he has any regrets because he’s given it his all. Sure, it hurt a LOT and it’s going to, until he gets over her and can find a way to move on, but at least he tried. At least he made the effort and can say that he did his best. 

It’s funny that Nol and Shinae stand in that place. She’s doing her best, she’s making an effort so she can’t regret not trying - but she just can’t see the full picture, can’t acknowledge WHY she’s fighting WHY she’s pushing. But Nol is the other part of it, the understanding, but also fear. It’s not just Dieter that stops him. If she continues to deny that it means anything, if she continues to say it was nothing.... that hurts. It’s bad enough to have feelings - but for the person you like to deny them? GOD. ;A; 

At this point there’s a lot of conversations that need to be had, and i think I’m looking forward to (hopefully?!) seeing Nol and Dieter talk it out. I think as much as Dieter is hurt, I can’t see him as the kind of person who would stand in the way of his friends happiness. If they make each other happy, who is he to tell Nol to back off or something? Shinae is a person with agency who can make her own choices and if she comes to a realization that she reciprocates Nol’s feelings well.... he can’t really stop her just because she doesn’t like him. He’s not an incel alkfkjafjaf lmao I don’t think it’s the kind of thing that would make him hate either of them. 

I’ve said it before but Dieter loves Nol, too, so he can understand why Shinae would fall for him. And likewise, as a person who likes Shinae, I’m sure he can understand how Nol would unintentionally fall. There’s a lot that’s happened between Nol and Shinae that Dieter doesn’t know about - the things that draw them together, that make them reach out to one and other. I think he can probably get that sense - there’s just SOMETHING ELSE there that isn’t with him and Shinae. 

I like to think Dieter might encourage Nol, or at the very least perhaps tell him to stop pushing people away. That one of these days he’ll push and she won’t come back and can he really live with that? While Dieter doesn’t know as much as Shinae, he at least seems to have the sense that there’s a profound depth to Nol, that there’s a lot of pain (as evidenced between him and Kousuke) and that his life hasn’t been as easy as Yeonggi made it look, so maybe he, too, will what it means for Nol to open up, to really truly fall for someone who feels the same as him. Who is he to deny their happiness, just because it makes him hurt? 

On the other hand, a part of me dreads Dieter and Shinae talking because WHEW BOY we know it’s going to hurt either way it goes. Will she deny her feelings about Nol, try to continue to write them off as friendship because it scares her, because she’s so afraid of losing him that she’s willing to swallow them down, because she doesn’t want it to get in the way? Even if she did, Dieter would see through it. I think now that he’s seen it, really seen it at play, he knows he can’t keep pretending. That’s why he’s distanced himself. If she were to try to play the card that it meant nothing wouldn’t he get more upset that she’s lying? God it just feels like a painful conversation ;___; And if she’s honest with him, if she sets him straight that she should have been clearer, that she hurt him, it just makes it hurt more AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH 

JUST AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All that said, I love how good of a subversion of “why does my kokoro go dokidoki”. It’s not that Shinae is naïve - it’s that she’s inexperienced and scared. It’s that she hasn’t had the time to process, it’s that she has this mix of feelings that she’s had no time to sort them out and untangle them. For so long she held people at arm’s length and now her heart is too full! And because it’s subverting that trope, I don’t think we’ll see it drawn out for a terribly long time, and she’ll put on her big girl pants and try to make it right. Right now she’s afraid to rock the boat. She’s been hurt so many times by people, she doesn’t want to be the one who hurts others, she doesn’t want to be the one who inflicts pain. But I think when she realizes the truth, she’ll realize that trying to ignore it causes more pain, drawn out. That’s what Nol is getting at. That as long as she doesn’t definitively have feelings, it only hurts. It drags out Dieter’s pain every time he thinks there’s a chance. It drags out Nol’s pain, that she can’t sort out the feelings. 

I love so much that Shinae cares about peoples’ feelings - especially because in the beginning she so badly wanted to believe she doesn’t care if people think she’s a bitch. She’s so empathetic and caring! But at some point we have to realize that avoiding a problem only makes it worse. It’s so much better to be up front and get it out of the way. Dieter won’t be able to heal until the wound stops getting ripped open. He WILL be okay, he WILL get over. But it won’t happen until she makes things clear. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS SO MANY FEELINGS I HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT NOL’S RESOLVE BUT I’M SAVING THAT FOR A SEPARATE POST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS 

[evature]

i dont actually know anyone who would actually dislike her

[trashlie]

Literally sitting there staring at her bandana like it's gonna make her appear or something. PLS NOTE, TOO, how he sits in the shadow but her bandana lays in the light

He's SOOOOOOO down bad

He did NOT have to picture just her face when Nana asked who it belongs to and YET AND Y E T

I need him to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pathetic

Realization aka he’s so pathetically down bad for Shin Ae.

[alinavgo]

I've been reading I love Yoo... I actually like they story and the characters so much...

Sadly, I ship Shin Ae with Dieter, not Yeong Gi nor Kosuke... But I like them too, I just don't think they're good for her...

[trashlie]

I saw a theory about Mr. Kim being Kousuke's real father. Makes me want to throw up. And then I saw another comment on that thread how the real thing that would break Kou is realizing that Nol is no longer his brother.

And omg ew? Sang Chul would be??

And I'm never getting over Nol's plastered smile. The sneer. The humans suck line.

The "Convince Me" line.

Girl I'm going thru it.

You totally called it on the theories.

The WORST kind of "OH GOD I KNEW IT" weeks have been happening for me when it comes to ILY lmaoooo and I NEED QUIMCHEE TO GIVE ME A BREAK AND LET ME CATCH MY BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!

Gonna drop my thoughts below the read more! Spoilers spoilers spoilers!!!!!!!!!!

When Elle and I talked about the "Rand isn't Kousuke's father" theory on the fourth episode of our podcast I even talked about how as much as I don't want the theory to be true for Kousuke's sake, narratively it's SO compelling and it just makes SO MUCH SENSE. I remember the first time I read the theory, too, how initially I was like "no way, this feels really out there" but it just stuck with me. I couldn't let it go, I kept going back to that panel, the "you're the sole heir" speech bubble over Nol's face and I think I've just always felt that it meant something, you know? That quimchee would NOT have done that if it didn't mean something, if we weren't supposed to read into it, if it wasn't meant to be the earliest of foreshadowing of this theory.

And to have it actually confirmed!!!!! Just has me SCREAMING but absolutely anticipating what it means for everyone!!!! Because not only does it mean everything Kousuke has ever worked for - the only thing he's ever had to his name, the only career option he's ever had - is taken away from him and thrust to someone who may not even want it, someone who wants to be as far away from this family and this coldblooded, bloodthirsty rivalry as he can get.

Neither of them get any reprieve.

Kousuke never had any other option, and is left with nothing.

Nol will likely be thrust into the heart of everything he wants to excuse himself from, everything he's come to resent and loathe and GOD it's insane to see how it's all unfolding, after all this time!!!!!!!!

I think, too, in thinking about the fact that Nol isn't even Kousuke's brother is that it means re-examining the rawness of 212 and what it means for Kousuke, who believes that he got none of the good traits of Rand that he sees in Nol, the good parts that he's never been privileged enough to see in Rand himself, and that he was left with only the worst parts of him - the cold man with his back turned to him. But it's worse, because none of that was his.

(Please know that I am saying this SO VERY LOOSELY, in the sense of how I imagine Kousuke is thinking this. I'm not a fan of the "Rand suspected Kousuke wasn't his son and that's why he was so cold with him" theories. Frankly, I think they're disgusting and it shows an interesting bias in people in how they perceive biological family to be more worthy over, say, adopted family. I think it's very evident that Rand loves both of his sons and has done the best within his means, but has been dealing with an incredibly controlling tyrant of a wife who has ensured that he had little chance to provide the nurturing he wanted to, who ensured that there was a gap between him and Kousuke so that Kousuke would be forever chasing after him, because she needed him to stay focused on her goal. I refuse to humor conversation that implies Rand loves or favors Nol more because that's his biological son and because Kousuke is, currently suspected to be, the son of a Kim, he has less love for him. That's a disgusting mindset. Biological love does not make someone inherently love their child more. Yui herself proves this. And in that same vein, not being Kousuke's biological father does not excuse Rand's part in Kousuke's neglect and that it was the commodification of his love that has factored into how Kousuke has come to view love in this transactional manner and why he struggles to see his father's true love for what it is. Regardless of whose genetic material fathered him, Rand is the man who raised Kousuke as his son, the man Kousuke saw as his father, and therefore he is Kousuke's father.)

Kousuke has modeled himself after his father in every way, tried so hard to emulate him, to be someone who will make his father proud, who can earn his affection and feels like he hasn't succeeded at that yet - and to find out that the man he has spent his entire life emulating is not, in fact, his father? Is going to CRUSH him. Not because it changes the fact that it was Rand who raised him and Rand to whom Kousuke looked up, but because it's yet another lie in a series of Yui's lies, yet another lie that she has used to manipulate him, to mold him into her pawn, to create him into a likeness of something of her own desire, rather than ever allow him to be his own person.

She lied to him about his father. She whispered paranoia to him about his brother his brother's mother. She made him believe that everyone is out to get them, to tear them down, that because they are better than everyone else he can trust no one. She used these tactics to isolate him and played upon the paranoia and fear that she created and instilled upon him so that when he did rebel and stray from her, when he did try to be his own person and have friends and a life of his own, she could pull him back to where she felt he belonged, at her side. She smothered and suffocated him and manipulated and lied to him and nothing she has done to or for him has ever been honest and even his father is a lie. Even his goals and motivation is a lie.

I know a lot of people still hate Kousuke but it fucks me up. It has me choked up, to think of what it must be like to be him, and to have this bombshell thrust upon you, that everything you believed has been a lie, that your mother has been manipulating you for your whole life, she's been drugging you, you have finally grasped the gravity of the harm you have caused using the justification she has equipped you with. To come to the realization that everything you ever justified was never truly justifiable, that you caused harm that cannot be undone.

How do you come back from that?

How do you deal with that?

And then, to find out that the man you've believed was your father isn't. That the only person who ever offered you unconditional love, whose relationship you've destroyed isn't even your brother, and has no reason to ever turn to look your way ever again.

Kousuke was right. He has no brother.

And it devastates me lmao ;____________;

And I do really think that it means his father is Gun Kim. All of the comparisons to Sangchul and Kousuke have haunted me as much as this theory.

BUT MAN IT'S JUST SO MUCH QUIMCHEE IS JUST OUT HERE WITH A BODY COUNT. MA'AM. SLOW DOWN I CAN'T KEEP UP. Nol is on a warpath and I need him to CHILL.

Actually no you know what was the FUNNIEST thing to me about Nol and his humans suck line? THE FACT THAT MY GIRL SHINAE IS OUT HERE BLUSHING.

GIRL. /GIRL/

She is DOWN BAD. SO FUCKING BAD. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i can't stand her I love her she's a whole hot mess express I really need to gather myself and drop some thought dump posts over here finally because generally my reaction to all of these episodes lately has been [SCREAMING CAT]

i'm two for two on "dark theories i didn't want to be true but knew in my gut are" and listen. I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE IT ;_______; HOWLING

[willyoubemypartner]

I’ve talked about it before a light metaphor (their lights dimming and them sharing light with each other and passing it back and forth), but they’d both been drowning.

Nol forced himself to YG her out of the water and had to continue keeping his head just above water to do so. But he did bring her out of that pool. Dragged her out of that water to help her feel okay again. As much as she kept him ever so slightly above water though, he was still drowning. But little by little she made him want to come up too

The next step is for them both to come up above that water with each other. Two people who felt like they were drowning, pushing and pulling back and forth, learning to swim together

When I first saw this scene, I thought "wow, what's Shin Ae doing there? The whole theme with water and "drowning" was with Nolan... "

And then I realized... SHE WAS THERE SINCE DAY 1.

[ninapaquita]

Nolan Oliver T(iger) Lochlainn 😭