#i love everything this series chose to be both for better and for worse

[foralleternityidiot]

the ending of muốn nhìn thấy em (want to see you) had me throwing both hands and tissues what an emotional rollercoaster everyone watch it

[gotham-daydreams]

i just had a thought

you know what would really fuck up the batfam in the "not tonight" series imagine the reader instead of leaving gets kidnnaped and when the batfam saves them reader breaks down into crying in relief because they genuenly believed the batfam would not bother to save them

Imagine the absolute horror the batman would feel

I know its a little farfetched but i live for the angst

No, no! I love that idea!!! And it isn't all that farfetched seeing as the reader is a well known musician on some level, and even if that wasn't the case- they're still the kid of Bruce Wayne. Which, honestly, is enough motivation for someone to kidnap them, I'd say. Especially if the reasoning is for money, revenge/jealousy, or both honestly.

Besides all that, though- oh my god that would be awful! I love it!

Because imagine things from the reader's perspective (which, there is implied violence inflicted on the reader, mentions a blood, and a gun is pointed towards them. So, if it isn't your cup of tea then that's fine!):

Your 'family' that barely acknowledges you enough as it is, and the only guy who ever seems to notice that you're around is the single butler that basically takes care of everyone and everything in the manor. Now, you're kidnapped because of your relation/connection to the family, and have no hope to do anything besides just pray.

Maybe you have tried to escape before a few times at this point, but the punishment for such attempts have now gotten to the point where if you try again and fail, you'd surely die. Maybe you've also been trying so hard to escape yourself because you're just that certain and sure that the Batfam won't save you. Since, up until this point, anything dealing with or connecting back to you in some way has been ignored or dismissed one way or another. Why would something like a kidnapping be any different? Especially when they also haven't noticed other events where you have gotten hurt before.

Right from the gate, you're already thinking that the Batfam won't save you. Not that they can't, but just like with everything else- something will come up and steal away their attention, and you'll be left by yourself, and to defend yourself as always. That's what always seems to happen, and so why would now be different? In your mind, it wouldn't. So that's why when your attempts to escape fail, and the punishments not only get worse, but begin to pile up and reach a point where you think you're going to die- the situation quickly becomes much scarier.

You don't hope that Batman will suddenly show up, and instead pray that your best friend will notice your missing somehow. You don't think that Nightwing, Red Robin, Spoiler, or Orphan will suddenly swoop in and save the day, but instead try and hope that your producer/boss notices that you haven't replied to his calls or texts and contacts someone. You don't even consider that Red Hood or Robin will come barreling in and quickly deal with your kidnappers before rescuing you — instead all of your thoughts are filled with silent whispers and desperate pleas that someone- anyone you know will notice that you're gone, or that something is wrong, and will contact somebody. With that 'somebody' being the police or anyone of help, but not the Batfam.

Maybe a small thought does slip by, but you can only internally laugh at yourself because you either think that you've already lost enough blood to actually try and believe that lie, or your just growing that desperate to have a little hope. To have something to cling onto in this moment, that you chose the one thing that you're so convinced will never be given to you. A thought that only further cements itself in your mind the more time passes. With hours turning into days, and days to weeks.

Perhaps that's why you try to escape again. Deciding that you had better odds of succeeding despite your injuries, than the Batfam ever coming to save you. Let alone even thinking about it, or even realizing that you were gone in the first place. Taking that risk of getting caught again, and potentially getting killed this time, because no matter how hopeless or unlikely it seems for you to escape and make it out- those chances will always be higher than any single person from the Batfam showing up, and even attempting to save you. Even on accident, or on a whim- that possibility is so unlikely in your mind, that it's basically nothing more than a made up scenario or daydream to you. It's not an 'if' or 'when', but a flat out 'won't'.

Maybe that's why when you fail you get so scared, but can't help but feel like this was inevitable somehow. Of course, you don't want to die- but you had tried your best. You fought until the very end, and it almost feels a little too fitting that things ended up this way. With your efforts ending in vain, and you having nothing to show for it. With your attempts futile, and almost seeming idiotic from an outsider's point of view, and maybe it was.

You never stood a chance. You were doomed for failure. Not even all the training and experience you had could save you- and only now could you see how truly worthless all your efforts had been. With a gun pointed to your head, and your own blood providing the only warmth you've felt in days.

There's an odd sense of comfort and familiarity in the chill that shoots down your spine, and the cold gaze that one of your kidnappers give you. They're carelessness and disregard for your health reminding you of something, with their rough attacks and harsh punches bringing back times where you really did need the Batfam, only for no one to show up. Your call dying down as fast as it had risen that day, and one you never even bothered to make again.

So maybe that was why you were so surprised when help arrived, and even more so when you saw who exactly it was.

Before you could even fully register anything, you began to cry. A wide smile full of disbelief grows on your face, and more tears begin to fall as the smallest of laughs escape you. 'Unbelievable' is the first word that comes to mind when describing what you felt, and thought when you saw Batman drop down from the ceiling and deal with the guy who was about to kill you, and heard some commotion just down the hall.

At first, your convinced it's all some silly dream, and that maybe during your final moments- your mind decided to give you something nice to send you off. Almost like a warm parting gift to distract you from the hopelessness, and reality of the situation. Though it's only when pain shoots through your entire body when you move a certain way, that the thought of all of this being some made up hallucination or delusion vanishes, and you can't help but cry harder.

You don't know if it's a good or bad thing that after all this time- the one time they actually notice that you're gone, is when you not only get kidnapped, but can't escape by yourself. That the one time they acknowledge you, you're almost dead, bleeding out, and the most messy and vulnerable you've ever been.

Maybe life really did have some grudge against you to go to such lengths to fuck you over, but right now you're too relieved to be saved to care at the moment.

Yet, to say the Batfam feels awful on a totally new level, is an understatement. They understand feeling relieved, but to this extent? It's like you never expected them to come and save you at all... and that little thought seems to be true when one of them tries to help you out, and you're still laughing weakly as you continue to cry. Asking through a broken, wavering voice if all of this is real, and isn't some fucked up hallucination your having to make passing on easier. That they really showed up, and as a last ditch effort to not make your death anymore painful then it has to be- this isn't just some... dream, to make you feel like you were actually cared for in your final moments.

It breaks their hearts, a lot.

Especially when you repeat questions, as if trying to really make sure that they're there, that they're real, and aren't just some figment of your imagination. That they actually came to save you, and weren't off saving Gotham or the world itself instead. Constantly trying to be sure, as if the moment you weren't- then you'd be convinced that you were slowly dying all alone, with no hope of help coming — not even thinking that the Batfam would come — and just have to sit with that fact as you take your final breaths.

The pain you feel is almost equal to their's, and what really worries and scares most of them is how sure and certain you are that they wouldn't show up. That either the thought would never cross their minds, or that something else would come up and they'd leave you for dead, or that they just wouldn't notice that you were kidnapped at all.

Which, said fright and worry is only amplified when you have to keep asking "Are you really here? Are you sure?" And the like, and they have to keep finding ways to prove to you that yes, they are here. They're helping you, and they're not leaving- they actually managed to save you, and that you're going be okay now. That they aren't going away, and are very, very real.

Each little, broken laugh chips away at the pieces of their hearts, and your own disbelief that they can't seem to get rid of no matter what they do or say, is just a punch to the gut. You didn't just think that they wouldn't show up, but were fully convinced that they wouldn't even bother with it. That own realization just... hurts more than anything.

Had they really been that awful to you? Had they really caused you so much pain and hurt that you'd not only think of such a thing, but fully believe it? They didn't remember doing anything in particular that would cause you to think that way... but maybe that wasn't the problem. It wasn't what they did to you, but rather what they didn't do, and that's when the pieces finally begin to click.

Of course some don't want to believe it, similar to how some of them in "Not Here" express a brief moment of denial and disbelief themself, but they don't get to experience such a luxury anymore. Not with you here- bleeding, hurt, and crying from both relief and disbelief, because you couldn't believe that they actually showed up.

Even when they do quickly take you to a hospital and get you treated, that image of you is still ingrained into their minds. They can't forget it- how you looked at them and spoke, and just how you treated the whole situation because of how convinced you were.

From here they'll try to rebuild what they can, and all definitely be 100% more protective then they've ever been. The moment you're able to come home (which, you ARE coming home. No if's or but's. You don't get a chance this time.), they're doing everything in their power to not only 'fix' everything, but make sure that you are safe at all possible moments of the day.

It's safe to say that the whole experience traumatized the whole family to a certain degree. Not only with you being kidnapped- but you trying to escape multiple times and almost dying, because you were so convinced that no one would show up to help. (Which, while it was also because you can genuinely handle yourself and did believe you could escape on your own, the Batfam doesn't entirely believe that (and you almost dying doesn't help with that) so they chalk it up to you being desperate, because you 'knew' that no one was coming to save you. Which also may or may not make certain people worse in the process.) So they're already leaning pretty heavy on the yandere tendencies. Which most likely develop over the time you're in the hospital, and into your first week or so staying in the Manor.

Which does lead us to your little addition:

Which, you are very correct!!!

Our boy Jason, put in very simple terms, doesn't take the situation well. At all.

Seeing you bloodied, bruised, abused, malnourished, and on the brink of death no less- definitely doesn't help with his reaction at all.

Don't get me wrong! All of them react pretty negatively to the situation, and many of them have very strong reactions- Jason in particular just has the worst and strongest one. :]

The moment he sees you, he's immediately reminded of his death. The urge to comfort you is strong, but he just doesn't know what to do- and so he ends up not doing anything until you're in the hospital. Which, leading up to that point, he's checking your pulse as often as he can.

He knows what it's like to be hopeless, and feel that helpless- but to know that you experienced that? To know that you almost died like he did? It ruins him. It fucks him up more than anything else.

From the way you looked at the Batfam- the way you looked at him, and just how utterly relieved you were, despite drowning in your own disbelief- it haunts him. The state they found you in messed him up enough, but all of your questions, and just how you were even trying to reassure yourself that them showing up and saving you was real, fucked him up big time.

Before he knows it, he's hunting down the people who kidnapped you, and wiping out whatever is left of their bloodlines. Not sparing a single person, as they didn't spare you- with their generations leading to your kidnappers being born.

He's making their final moments just as painful as yours would've been. Their agony almost matching his, as he couldn't forget the night they saved you. He refused to. That moment forever engraved into his mind, reminding him of what also was if they were a second too late, and how it made him realize just how much he's fucked up along with everyone else.

While Jason can't exactly just waltz into the Hospital to visit you, since he is still considered dead and everything, he sneaks into your room instead. Trying to give what comfort he can in his own silent, but close way. Holding your hand with a gentleness even foreign to himself, and saying how he's sorry and that he'll make it up to you. Promising every night that he'll make those that made you suffer pay with their lives, and then some. Saying how he won't leave your side ever again, only to be gone by the morning.

He brings what he can as well. Even if it isn't as showy or extravagant as any of the things that Bruce, Damian, Dick and so on are getting you, or as pretty and lively as the flowers that are placed by your bedside. It's just his own little way of trying to make it up to you.

The small, little gifts he gives you are indeed little, and he doesn't give much since he doesn't think that your forgiveness or love can be bought. But he still tries to give something. So he'll give things that can be as little as hair ties or bracelets, to earrings (that totally aren't matching) and a little music box that reminded him of the melodies you've made thus far. It's all just another way of saying that he cares about you, and not only wants to build your relationship but be connected to you somehow.

The earrings, even if you don't wear them but just have them, make him feel closer to you then he can. He hopes that in some little way, that whenever you wind and let that music box play its tune, that you are reminded of him or think of him in some way. That when you wear or even look at the few ties and bracelets he's given you, he comes to mind in some small way, and manages to bring the smallest of smiles on your face.

Jason doesn't yearn to be remembered or seen fondly, but he would like to and deeply appreciate it. Since when he looks at his earnings, he's reminded of you, and the pair he managed to give you. Leaving him unable to fight back the smile that grows on his face.

For the most part, he just generally tries to be more present, hardly leaving you alone unless he has to, and spending every moment he can by your side. Moments that begin to last longer once he finishes his buisness with your kidnappers, and their families. He doesn't push too hard or is super in your face and constantly invading your personal space. He just exists in your presence, and as long as you're around he's got no complaints.

Though he does get extremely protective and possessive. Especially if your sleeping or something, and someone walks in. God have mercy if they need to wake you up, and dare to try without saying anything to Jason first.

Which- all of this boils down to you getting scary dog privileges every night, which turns into an almost 24/7 type of deal when you get discharged from the hospital.

---

Sorry if this is a little all over the place. I wrote it all in one go for the most part and haven't really looked it over, so there's probably some mistakes I didn't catch and missed 😅

Still, I hope that's alright, and as you can see- i really enjoy this idea :]

[buckyshoneybunny]

Beautiful

 Bucky Barnes + Curvy!Female!Reader 

Summary- Bucky proves to you that you are beautiful. 

W.C.- 2623 

Warnings- Fluff, tiny bit of angst(?), smut, 18+ Mdni! Oral (female), fingering, P in V sex, unprotected sex (don’t do that) 

A/N- First time writing smut, hope you like it. This got a little personal 😬 but to all my fellow curvy + plus size girls you are beautiful 😘. I’m thinking of writing a series, with either Alpha, roommate, neighbor, or biker Bucky, I can’t pick. Any suggestions or ideas, I will gladly listen. Also, thank you so much for all the love on my first story!! Please don’t post or steal my work, feedback is welcome. Hope you enjoy!  

Masterlist

You took another deep, shaky breath as you studied your reflection for the hundredth time in the last five minutes. Tonight was the big night; you and Bucky were going to be taking the next step in your relationship. After many dates and late-night talks, you were finally ready to take the next step. Bucky, the ever so perfect guy he is, was patient with you, assured you that he was perfectly fine waiting until you were ready. 

You and Bucky were making out on your couch, you straddling his lap, when you pulled away with a gasp. Bucky starts kissing down your neck, as his hands start to slide up your shirt you freeze.  

Having noticed this, he immediately stops and pull back to look at you. “You okay, peach?” You look away. 

He gently cups your face, his cold, metal hand soothing your burning cheeks. “Talk to me Babygirl, what’s wrong?”  

You bite your lip. “I don’t think I’m ready yet,” you whisper. “I know I should have said something sooner instead of waiting until we’re both worked up but I-” 

“Peach, breathe,” be cuts off your nervous ramble. He rearranges you both so that you’re not positioned over his bulge. “It’s okay, if you aren’t ready then we wait, okay?” He says softly. 

You glance down at his lap feeling guilty. “But what about-” 

“No, don’t worry about that. It’ll go away shortly. How about we cuddle and watch our show? I’m dying to see what happened to Angela,” he suggests. 

You nod after a moment and hug him. “Thank you, Bucky,” you mumble into his neck.  

“Anything for you, peach” 

It wasn’t because you were a virgin or wanted to do things the ‘proper’ way, although you never told Bucky why, he guessed it was because of how insecure you are of your weight. Okay, yes, you were a little curvy, yes multiple guys had laughed at you when you tried to get their attention or looked at you in disgust whenever you tried to wear something that showed a little skin. 

Yes, you were insecure about your weight, but that wasn’t the reason you wanted to wait. Bucky had made sure you knew he loved your curves, no matter how hard you tried to hide them. You often chose pants over shorts and never wore tank tops, but it wasn’t because of your weight- the team made sure you knew they loved you for you, you felt comfortable around them- no, it was because of your skin. 

See, you weren’t one of those girls who had smooth, shiny skin, and that’s why you never showed off anything more than your arms. You had cellulite, bumps everywhere, and pimples in places you wished you didn’t. Not one spot on your body was smooth or clear, it didn’t matter where you shaved or moisturized, every time you slide your hands up your arms or down your legs it was bumpy. You tried everything under the sun but nothing helped, only few things made it a little better, you couldn’t even use your favorite scented lotions that often because it only made them worse. The tan on your skin helped hide it, but it was still there. 

A ding from your phone pulled you back to the present, you picked it up and noticed Bucky had texted you. 

💖My love- Hey, peach! I’m really excited for tonight, and since tonight is a very special night, I got you a little something (with the help of Nat of course), check your closet 😉.  

You walk into your closet to see a long, white, plastic bag hung up with your other dresses. When you unzip it, you can’t help but gasp.  The dress is a long, V-neck red satin dress with double slits. Phone in hand, you text him back. 

You-This is gorgeous Buck, but I don’t know if it’ll look right on me. 

💖My love-I know it’s way out of your comfort zone but believe me, you’ll be the sexiest woman to have ever existed, you already are but you’ll look even more gorgeous. You don’t have to wear it but I hope you do, see you soon, peach 😘. 

Trusting Bucky, you decide to wear it. You put on some plum scented lotion, damn your skin- at least it’ll be soft-, and put the dress on. It fits perfectly, your tan hides your skins secrets and the dress hugs your curves, for once you actually feel sexy. You take your hair out of the French braids and spray on some watermelon scented perfume. Right as you finish putting on your heels, there’s a knock at the door. You grab your clutch and look at yourself in the mirror one last time. Taking a deep breath you open the door. 

Bucky’s eyes widen as he takes you in, you do the same when you see him. He’s in a perfectly fitting suit that shows off his defined muscles, it’s cotton and black, he has a white button up under the jacket with a red tie.  

“How do I look?’ You ask nervously. When he doesn’t answer you start to overthink.  

“God damn,” he mumbles under his breath. His eyes sweep over your body again. “I don’t think I have ever wanted your thighs wrapped around my head more than I do now,” he says distractedly, staring at your thighs.  

“Bucky!” You gasp and playfully smack his chest. He grins, grabbing your wrists, he puts them around his neck as his hands settle on your waist.  

He chuckles. “Seriously though, you look absolutely gorgeous.” He kisses you then slides over to kiss your neck; he breathes in deeply and groans. “Mmm. You smell delicious,” he mumbles against your skin. He slides his hands up your sides.  

“Cut it out, we’re gonna be late,” you giggle and move before his hands can reach the bare skin of your arms, avoiding his touch. He notices.  

“Alright, alright, come on, peach.” He grins and leads you to the elevator, his hand in yours.  

As the elevator closes, he asks, “When the hell did you get that tan?” 

“When everyone was gone on that one mission.” 

“Damn, I missed this gorgeous body half naked in the sun?” He playfully pouts.   

You snort and shake your head. 

Once you both get to the restaurant, the hostess takes you to your table. It’s the fancy Italian restaurant that takes months in advance to get a reservation.  

As the waiter leaves with your orders you ask, “How did you get a table here? It takes months in advance.” 

“Tony called in a few favors,” he grins. “I want tonight to be special,” he adds softly. His hand covers yours on the table. You smile at him and interlace your fingers together. 

“How come you won’t let me touch you?” He blurts out.  

You give him a confused look, “What do you mean? You’re touching me right now.” 

“No, I mean, you won’t let me touch your bare skin. At first, I thought maybe you had scars or something, that maybe that’s way you never wear shorts. But seeing you tonight, in that dress, I can’t fathom why you would hide your body.” He pauses for a moment. “Is it because of me?” He whispers, you can see the vulnerability in his eyes. 

You quickly cup his face, “God no Bucky” You take a deep breath. “It’s just...” you trail off, unsure of how to put it. 

“What, peach? Please, tell me. I understand you wanting to wait for this long, I respect that, but every time we kissed or got a little handsy I could see that you wanted to keep going but you always stopped.” 

You sigh. “Part of it is my weight-” he goes to cut you off but you keep going. “But you’ve helped me feel more confident in my weight, but the insecurities are still there. The main reason is my skin...” 

“Your skin?” He deadpans. 

“The bumps everywhere, cellulite, and pimples everywhere Bucky. I don’t have that smooth clear skin like Wanda or Nat. That’s what I’m afraid of, that you’ll see the marks, feel the bumps on my legs, stomach, hell even my ass. That you’ll see the pimples in places that shouldn’t have any and you’ll break up with me or be disgusted,” you rant.  

“Okay, Y/N, deep breath. First of all, if I ever look at you in disgust, HYDRA must’ve taken over me. I love you and a few bumps and pimples won’t change that.” He holds your hands in his.  

“It’s more than just a few Bucky.” He narrows his eyes as he studies you. The waiter brings your food, Bucky starts to shovel the food into his mouth.  

“Eat,” he says around a mouthful of garlic bread. “I need to get you home to prove to you how beautiful you are.” 

Once you both are done, he pays and all but drags you out to the car. He pushes you up against the side of the car, smashing his lips to yours.  

“If you’ll let me, I want to show you how much I love you and this body.” He says breathlessly. “Please,” he adds, almost whining. You nod.  

On the drive back, you get a burst of confidence. You glance over at Bucky, he’s tense, barely maintaining the speed limit, desperate to get home. You look down and see a very large, very noticeable bulge. Fuck he looks huge. 

You reach over and place your hand on his thigh, slowly sliding it up. Bucky glances at you from the corner of his eye. “Peach,” he warns. You cup his bulge and he inhales sharply. You trace your finger over him, teasing. You cup him again and squeeze, right as he stops for a red light. He groans and bucks his hip up into your hand, his reaction sending a shoot of arousal through you. 

Once you finally reach the tower, he drags you to his room, once inside he shoves you against the door and devours you mouth with his. He spins you around and grabs the zipper of the dress.  

“You sure you’re ready, peach?” You nod. “I need words baby,” he whispers against your neck. 

“Yes Bucky, I’m ready.” He, painfully slow, pulls the zipper down. The dress pools at your feet, he turns you back around. 

His knees almost buckle. You’re standing there in nothing but a baby pink lingerie set and black heels. “Fuck peach,” he moans. He drops to his knees and kisses your stomach. “These curves” he grips your hips, “This ass,” his hands move to squeeze your ass, bordering painful. “This body, baby, I’m never letting you keep it from me again.” His kisses his way down your stomach. “You many have bumps and pimples, and cellulite, but that just add to the uniqueness of the gorgeous body. Y/N, baby, you are perfect, so fucking sexy, just looking at you I could cum in my pants.” He throws your right leg over his shoulder.  

“Bucky,” you whimper. He noses your panty covered clit, inhaling deeply. 

“Fuck, you smell so good.” He pauses, “Do you have plum scented lotion on?” 

“Yeah...” You answer hesitantly. 

He shoves his nose in the crease of your thigh. “Fuck, I didn’t know they made that,” he groans.  

“You like it?” You giggle. 

“I fucking love it, peach.” He licks your cloth covered core, making you moan. He pulls your panties to the side and growls. “This has got to be the prettiest pussy I have ever seen Babygirl.” That’s the only warning you get before he’s eating you out like a starved man.  

He swirls his tongue around your clit before sucking it into his mouth. He brings his metal hand up and slowly inserts his pointer finger. You buck against his face, you lace your fingers through his hair, him being the only thing keeping you upright.  

“Fuck you taste so good, so fucking tight,” he moans into your pussy, sending vibrations through you. He slowly adds a second finger, then a third. Curling them to hit that spongy spot, making you see stars.  

“I-I’m close... Please don’t stop Bucky,” you moan.  

“Wouldn’t dream on it Babygirl, cum for me.” 

You go limp against the door as you cum, gripping his hair tighter, almost to the point of painful, but it only makes him harder. He continues to fuck you with his fingers, helping you ride out your high. Once you come down, he pulls away and stands up. You yank him down by his tie, crashing your lips to his, moaning at your taste on his tongue.  

“How ya feeling, peach?” He whispers against your lips. 

“I want you inside me, now,” you answer. 

He chuckles, “Yes ma’am.” He quickly sheds the rest of your clothes and shoves you on his bed, not before smothering your chest in open mouthed kisses though.  You lean up on your elbows to watch him undress, gasping as his cock springs free from his boxers.  

“Don’t worry, it’ll fit,” he winks and joins you on the bed. Siting on his haunches, he wraps your legs around his waist and shoves his knees under your thighs. He rubs the head of his cock through your folds, teasing you.  

“Bucky please,” you whine. 

“I like the sound of you begging,” his voice deep and rough. In one smooth motion he enters you. You gasp and he moans once he’s fully sheathed inside you. 

“Fuck you’re so big,” you moan and dig your nails into his back. He stays still, letting you adjust. When you buck your hips up to let him know you're ready, he just groans and buries his face in your neck. 

“Fuck, give me a minute,” he mumbles, already pussy drunk.  

You giggle and card your fingers through his hair. After a second, he pulls almost all the way out and sets a punishing pace.  

“God damn you’re tight, almost made me cum like a horny teenager.” You moan at his words. With atilt of his hips, the tip of his cock pounds into your g-spot.  

“James!” You moan, nails dragging down his back.  

He shivers. “Fuck, say my name again.” 

“James harder! I’m gonna cum, James, please let me cum.” You whine in his ear.  

He groans and fucks you harder. “Cum for me baby, cum all over my cock like a good girl.” 

Your thighs squeeze his hips. Back arching, head thrown back, nails digging into his sides you cum, squirting all over his cock.  

“Holy shit,” he moans as he watches you. He continues to fuck you through your orgasm, just barely hold his off. His thrusts grow sloppy. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum baby, where do you want it?”  

You lock your ankles on his lower back, your hands grip his ass, nails digging into the plump flesh. “Inside, please, James, I want your cum in me” 

“Fuck! Y/N!” He roars as he cums. He buries himself as deep as he can as ropes of cum shoot into you. He collapses onto of you, panting. You rub his back and scratch at his scalp as you both catch your breath; he places open mouthed kisses on your neck. He sucks a hickey on your neck, you shiver.  

“Believe me now when is say you’re gorgeous?” He picks his head up to look at you. 

You lean your forehead against his, “I don’t know, I think I might need some more convincing.” He grins, already getting hard again thanks to the serum.  

“My pleasure.” It was going to be a looong night. 

Needless to say, you were much more confident in your looks after that. 

[imtryingbuck]

Seven

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: Bucky comes from a well respected family, he falls in love with a girl who prefers the simple things in life. Follow their journey through the years.

Word count: 6,178

Warnings: fluff, angst, talks of child abuse - heavily. mentions of injuries and scars on a child. swearing

A/N: No description of reader other than she has curly hair.

Masterlist   Series Masterlist

He first met her when he was seven.

The day started off as the same as those that came before; wake up, have breakfast, get ready and head to the east wing of his home to begin his tutoring. Have lunch, carry on with the schoolwork, and be done for the day.

Even after he said his goodbyes to Mrs Mars he was still stuck in a routine.

Day in and day out.

However that day was different because it was Friday. Every Friday his best friend Steve came to stay over for the weekend, every weekend they caused havoc. Not that Winnie or George minded, all week they saw their son miserable until his friend arrived on Fridays at 3pm, not a minute earlier and not a minute later. Sadly that hadn’t happened for three weeks as Steve and his ma had to go to Staten Island for a family emergency.

To Bucky Staten Island was on the other side of the world, so when he found out that Steve had to leave for a few weeks - well he kicked off.

He destroyed everything that was in his path, crying and begging his ma to stop Sarah from taking his best friend away. Promising her that if she let Steve live with them that he would be on his best behaviour, forever and ever he promised her.

Once he had exhausted himself out and grew tired the whole house went quiet.

For the three weeks that he didn’t see Steve he was quieter, he sulked at his desk and at the dinner table. He was restless, and as the Fridays approached and went by his attitude only grew worse.

Winnie nearly cried in response to hearing Sarah saying that her and Steve would be leaving the next day. Winnie oddly enough found some comfort in knowing that Steve was acting the same way as her beloved James. Winnie had decided that she wasn’t going to tell James about how on that Friday he was going to be reunited with his best friend, keeping it to herself and her husband in order to surprise him. 

A seven year old Bucky made his way in to the kitchen glaring at his mother when she told him that he needed to come with her, they made their way to the front door just as a knock cut through the silence.

“Open the door sweetie” she told him, ignoring the glare that was coming from her only son.

Not wanting to be in trouble with his father again he complied with his mothers instructions.

Hand on the door handle he opened the door, the frown he wore day in and day out for 21 days vanished when he sees his best friend standing there.

“S-Stevie?”

“Bucky”

“You’re back?”

“I am”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.“

Both Winnie and Sarah watched on as their sons talked and as Bucky pulled Steve into a bone crushing hug - which didn’t last long as Steve started to scuffle up Bucky’s hair, then both of them started to wrestle with one another.

“Come in Sarah, I’ve missed you my friend” They left the two seven year olds wrestling in the foyer.

Their wrestling match came to an abrupt end when Steve’s asthma got the better of him.

He was playing in the backyard with Steve when he felt eyes on him, Bucky chose to ignore the feeling thinking it was just one of the staff members keeping an eye on the pair.

“Buck get the ball” Steve shouted slightly out of breath.

Nodding he turns to where Steve was pointing, frowning at not being able to see it straight away. “Steve I can’t find it!”

“Do that means I win this round?” Steve shouted back.

“No! Why did you have to kick it so hard?”

“Because I’m the best!”

“No you’re not! I’ve found it!”

Bucky bends down to grab the ball, ball under his arm he stops when he hears someone talking. He knows he shouldn’t go and check it out but he’s never really listened to his father, so he drops the ball again and climbs over the fence that separates the woods from his garden.

“-Miss Ladybug come back”

He watches a girl; a little bit smaller than him with wild bushy hair, the dress she wore was ratty and ripped on the bottom. He notices dirt on her arms and neck and that she wasn’t wearing any shoes.

“-Mr Ant that tickles, what have you been up to today?”

“Ants don’t talk.”

“You scared me!”

He watches her spin around to face him, his eyes widen when he sees the dark bruise around her eye and her bottom lip having dried blood on it.

However even at seven years old he likes the bright colour of her eyes.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m Bucky what’s your name?”

“Y/n, Ducky’s a weird name”

“It’s Bucky not Ducky”

“Can I call you Ducky?”

“Fine. But I get to call you…um Bunny!”

“But my names not Bunny it’s Y/n”

“My names not Ducky but I’m letting you call me that. So Bunny what are you doing?”

The girl waves him over and smiles “Look Miss Ladybug and Mr Ant are friends”

“They can’t be friends”

“Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t make sense, Miss Ladybug should be friends with other ladybugs and not ants.”

“They can be friends.”

“They can’t”

“Yes the can!”

“Whatever. Why don’t you have shoes on?” He asks changing the subject.

“I don’t have any, what are you doing here?”

“Why don’t you have any shoes?”

“My parents are poor.”

“Mine are rich”

“Oh. I guess you live in that house over there?”

“Yeah, where’s your house?”

“On the other side of the woods. It’s super small and poorly”

“How can a house be poorly?”

“I don’t know but that’s what my mama says. Do you want to play fairies with me?”

From where they were stood they called hear Steve calling for Bucky, he watches as her smile fades slowly.

“I’ve can’t, got to go back to my friend. I can see you tomorrow?”

“Okay!” She beams up at him.

“Bye Bunny”

“Bye Ducky”

She watches him as he walks away, her tiny arm still waving side to side long after he climbs over the fence.

“Buck what took you so long?” Steve questions from his place on the ground.

“I-I met someone Stevie” Sitting down next to his friend.

“What do you mean?”

“Her names Y/n-“

“Her? A girl?”

“Yes a girl. She’s pretty Stevie, b-but she had bruises on her face and arms I thought it was mud at first but I got closer-“

“You met a girl that is pretty?”

Rolling his eyes “stop butting in! But yes, real pretty. I like her eyes”

“Bucky loves a girl, Bucky loves a girl-“ Steve sings as he runs around the garden.

“No I don’t!” Bucky shouts as he runs around after the blonde.

The next day Bucky leaves Steve in the living room so he could draw, his asthma had worsen over night so he wasn’t up to playing games.

“Go and see your girlfriend”

“She’s not my girlfriend!”

“But you love her”

“I don’t love her Steve! Stop saying that. I’ll be back soon okay?”

“Okay, have fun”

Climbing over the fence he wasted no time in going to the spot he had saw her the day before, frowning when he couldn’t see her.

“Y/n? Bunny?”

“Up here Ducky”

He looks up and sees her sitting on the branch of the many trees that filled the woods.

“What are you doing up there?”

“Hiding”

“From what?”

“The monsters”

“What monsters?”

“The worst kind of monsters” He’s about to reply when she drops down from where she was perched “they call themselves the tickle monsters!”

She laughs at his deadpanned look. “How old are you Bunny?”

“Six, you?”

“Seven. Can I ask you something?”

“Okay”

“What happened to your face?”

“My father is not nice. He drinks special juice and gets mad”

Bucky stands and watches her twiddle her fingers, feeling bad about asking her that question but he was curious.

“He gets mad and hurts me, I don’t know why but I don’t think he likes me very much. Do you like me?” She continues and asks.

“I like you. You’re my friend Bunny” Smiling when he sees her smile.

“I’ve never had a real friend before. Your my friend Ducky”

“I have another friend his name is Steve, he gets poorly a lot”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure but he’s great” Bucky states as he picks up a twig off the ground.

“Would he be my friend too?” Y/n asks and copies what he did, waving the twig around in the air.

“Maybe”

“I would like that.”

Y/n took him to her favourite spots in the woods, introducing him to the animals she named. He liked it, liked her.

“It’s getting colder” he says as they walk around.

“It is. You should go home, I’ll walk you”

“What about you?”

“I’ll stay out later my mama is at her job and I don’t want to go home just yet”

“What about food? You need to have dinner”

“I’ll eat some berries like always, father doesn’t know how to cook not like my mama”

“You can come with me if you want, my ma wont mind”

“I’m dirty but it’s okay. Will I see you tomorrow Ducky?”

“Your smelly too and yeah I’ll see you tomorrow”

“You’re smelly!” She giggles.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Bunny”

“See you tomorrow Ducky”

The next day after Bucky, Steve and their parents got back from church he ran into the kitchen to ask the cook to make him some sandwiches. Saying his thanks he leaves Steve once again to go and see his Bunny.

“Bunny what happened?” He says as he see her in the same spot they keep meeting in.

One side of her face was swollen with dried blood splatters darted across her face. Her left eye was completely swollen shut and her lip had been split again.

“Ducky you’re here! I’ve been waiting ages”

“I’m here Bunny but what happened?”

“I thought you wasn’t coming”

“Y/n what happened to your face?”

“My father got mad last night when I came home. I like your clothes”

“I had to go church, why was he mad?”

“He ran out of his special juice” she shrugged one shoulder.

“Have you had any food today?”

“Just a few berries. I won’t be able to play today my arm really poorly”

“I brought you some sandwiches the cook made them”

“You can eat them Ducky”

“It’s for you, eat and I’ll take you to my home and have my ma look at your arm”

“I can’t”

“Why not?”

“I’m dirty…I don’t want to get mud in your home, I’ll be okay promise”

“Don’t be silly Bunny, eat”

He watches as she carefully undoes the foil that kept the sandwiches safe, her eyes going up to his he smiles and nods. “We’ll have to take the long way round I don’t think you can climb the fence”

“It will get better just like last time Ducky, I’ll be okay. Thank you for the food”

“My ma can help she’s a nurse”

“I-I…I’ll be fine Ducky I swear it”

Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He was going to drag Bunny home to get his ma’s help whether she liked it or not. He didn’t know why but he felt such an overwhelming urge to protect her, he didn’t want her to have bruises on her pretty face anymore or see her pretty eyes sad.

He’s only known her for a few days and all he wants is for her to be safe.

Bucky watches silently as she devours the ham sandwiches, regret washing over him when he realises he forgot to bring a drink with him for her to have.

“Thank you Ducky, it was very yummy” she says as soon as she swallows the last bit of food.

“It’s okay Bun-“

The rest of his sentence dies on the tip of his tongue, Y/n looks at him with wide eyes, the fear drowns him whole at the monstrous booming voice coming from the other side of the woods.

“Y/n! Get home now you bitch!”

“I-I-I have t-to go. Bye Bucky” she whispers as she stands up on shaky legs.

“Bunny come with me” he whispers back afraid to speak any louder the monster will get him and his Bunny. He leans on his knees to hold her good hand as a way to get her to stay with him and not to go towards the voice that echos over the silent woods.

“I-I can’t-“

“Get back here you fucking cunt!” The voice sounds again, angrier and louder this time.

“Bye Bucky” She pulls her hand away and takes off running towards the monster that awaits her. Bucky can only watch, scared for his friend, his Bunny.

The woods fall silent once again.

On Monday after he was released from Mrs Mars’s clutches he runs into the kitchen to ask the cook if she could make sandwiches once again. Saying his thanks he runs through the doors and into the garden and over the fence.

“Bunny?”

No response.

Looking up in the trees to see if she was hiding again his shoulders sagged in defeat when she wasn’t there.

So he waited. And waited. And waited.

It was getting dark and truth be told he was kind of scared of the tall trees that looked mean and scary in the darkness.

Reluctantly he left, slowly putting one foot in front of the other just to see if she’ll come back to see him, before he knew it he was back at the fence.

Tuesday he did his whole routine and once again asking the cook for sandwiches he takes off to the woods.

“Y/n? Bunny it’s Ducky…”

No response.

This time he ventured further in and went to the places Y/n had shown him, coming up empty he made his way back to the spot. The hope he had disappearing when she wasn’t there waiting for him.

So he waited. And waited. And waited.

Like the day before he took his time in reaching the fence, however moving just as slower in hopes of hearing her voice.

It didn’t happen.

It was Wednesday and like the past two days he repeats his actions. Frustration and sadness are the only emotions he feels when he sees that she’s not there once again.

Bucky repeated his actions for two weeks straight. On the first Friday he had even took Steve over the fence in hopes that if she senses that he brought his friend with him that she’d come back to him. Steve thought he was going crazy, honestly. He generally thought that Bucky had made the whole thing up just to mess with him.

It was Saturday and it had been almost three weeks without seeing her. Bucky thought Steve was right about him making it up, he thought that maybe she was his imaginary friend but she looked, sounded and felt so real.

Bucky promised Steve that this would be the last day that he ventured out into the woods to try and find her. After helping Steve over the fence he climbed over and both made their way to the designated spot.

They’d been out there for a while when Steve spoke up.

“Buck come on she’s not real”

“But she is. I know she is”

“Let’s go please it’s really cold”

He was right, the winter air was getting colder now. Nodding he turns around and helps Steve off the ground, walking back in the direction of his home Steve speaks again.

“What did you say?”

“What?”

“Did you not just say something?”

“No what did you hea-“

In the distance he hears the voice that he had been wanting to hear for three weeks now, the voice belonging to Bunny.

“D-Ducky!”

He spins around and his heart drops. She’s there, getting closer to him and Steve. Her smile takes up most of her face as she limps as fast as she could towards the two boys.

“Bunny!” He says just as he takes off running towards her. His legs pushing him faster than ever before.

Once she was in reach he wasted no time in pulling her into his chest and wrapping his arms around her, just like he seen his father do to his ma.

“Sweet Bunny you’re here” he lightly pants into her bushy hair.

“I’ve missed you Ducky”

“I’ve missed you too Bunny”

Steve stands just off to the side watching the scene in front of him. She’s real and his best friend isn’t crazy he thinks to himself.

Bucky slowly pulls away from her, his smile fading at seeing the damage and pain caused to her face close up. A cough from the side of them have their attention taken away from one another to the blonde standing there.

“Y/n this is Steve my best friend, Steve this is Y/n my Bunny”

“Hi it’s nice to meet you” Steve says waving awkwardly.

“Hi. Will you be my friend too?” Y/n asks shyly, burrowing in closer to Bucky’s embrace.

“Yeah but you have to be mine too”

“Yes!”

Bucky smiles before turning his full attention to Y/n. “Bunny…what happened?”

“I wasn’t allowed to come out. I was naughty”

“D-did your father do this?”

“Yeah. Hey look I lost two teeth” she smiled baring her teeth, and sure enough she was missing her two front ones.

“Where did you lose them?” Bucky chuckles.

“I don’t know” she shrugs with a giggle.

“Bunny I’m going to take you to my ma and she’ll take care of your face”

“It’s fine Ducky I promise”

“Ducky?” Steve questions with a small laugh following.

“His name is Ducky and I’m Bunny” she says proudly.

“That’s cute!”

“Steve. Shut up. Bunny come on”

Both boys have to convince Y/n to follow them and accept help, Bucky notices the limp she has was getting worse as they walked back to the fence and he worries that if they go the long way around she’s going to be in more pain so he tells his two friends that he’s going to help Y/n over the fence first then he’ll help Steve.

Easier said than done.

After struggling to pull himself over the fence for what felt like the hundredth time he gently took Bunny’s hand in his and marched off as if he was on a mission.

“D-Ducky…what if your ma doesn’t want to help and we can’t be friends anymore” She whispers as the trio get closer to the huge house.

“She will help you I promise and we’ll always be friends Bunny don’t worry”

Steve opens the door that leads into the kitchen and holds it open for the two, shutting it behind him he follows closely. Ignoring the muddy footprints that Y/n leaves behind her.

The trio follows the sound of music that comes from the living room, when they reach the room they see Bucky’s parents slow dancing to the hum of the song.

Bucky rolls his eyes.

Steve looks down at his shoes.

Y/n watches with a smile gracing her lips, her eyes following their movements.

“Ma” Bucky says loudly startling the couple.

“Jame-oh my goodness, James who is this and what happened?” Winnie starts before her eyes land on Y/n. Detaching herself from George she moves closer to the girl.

“This is Y/n she needs help Ma”

Winnie lands on her knees with a soft thud in front of Y/n, her hands going slowly and gently to the little girls arms - noticing her hand linked together with her sons. “Hello sweetie, I’m Winnie I’m going to clean your wounds for you okay? Would you like to come with me please?”

“O-okay” she says hesitantly her eyes going from Winnie’s to Bucky’s who nods and smiles at her.

Winnie takes her free hand in hers and waits for Bucky to untangle his fingers from the girl, she leads her upstairs to the bathroom, speaking softly to the girl as they go.

“This will sting sweetie but I’ll be as gentle as I can be, let me know if I’m hurting you okay” she says after she’s sat Y/n on the closed lid of the toilet.

“Okay”

Winnie takes a few wipes from the packet and moves closer to the girl who sits there swinging her legs back and forth. Slowly wiping the ray of cuts that cover the girls face she can’t help but wonder who would hurt such a beautiful creature.

“My son James, he didn’t do this did he?” Hating herself for even asking but she had to be sure.

“No Miss, m-my father is not nice”

“Your father did this?” Halting her movements she watches as the girl nods. “Where’s your mother?”

“Mama goes to her job”

“Where does she work?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in two weeks, do you know where she is?”

Oh how Winnie’s heart breaks.

“I haven’t sweetie, does your father hurt your mama?”

“Yes. Did you know that Ducky’s my friend”

“Ducky?”

“Bucky”

Winnie chuckles which causes Y/n to giggle “you call him Ducky?”

“Yes and he calls me Bunny. Why did you call him James Miss?”

“Call me Winnie darling and because James is first name, his middle name is Buchanan but Stevie calls him Bucky”

“And I call him Ducky” Y/n giggles loudly.

“You do. Sweetie do you have any more cuts that I need to clean?”

Winnie watches as her face drops and as she scoots further back on the toilet. Clutching her tatty dress a little tighter in her tiny hands.

“I-I can help you Y/n, it’s okay I promise”

“Yo-you won’t be mad?”

“No my love I won’t be mad”

Y/n pushes herself off the seat until she stands up, her eyes finding the tiled flooring more interesting as her hands pull the bottom of her dress further up her thin body.

Winnie had to slap her hand across her mouth as she sees the unmistakable light red lines of scars mapping across the girls’ very thin, bruised thighs.

“Sw-Sweetie, i-is there more?” Her heart cracking as Y/n nods again, pulling her dress further up until Winnie had to help in pulling the whole ratty thing off her.

She fights with herself trying to keep the tears at bay as her eyes dart around from one scar to the next. She fights off the thought of how any of them happened out of her head, she knows if she let that thought in she wouldn’t be able to sleep ever again.

“M-my father gets mad when he runs out of his special juice. It’s my fault because I’m a stupid bitch a-and a worthless cunt” her eyes go to the ceiling as she remembers the words that her father calls her most days.

“No no no my sweetie, you are none of them things you hear me? Y/n you are such a sweet girl, oh come here my sweet baby” Winnie says as she brings the girl into her warm embrace gently wrapping her arms around Y/n’s slim body, pressing light kisses to her forehead. She lets the tears fall freely.

Since Y/n wasn’t so use to feeling of loving hands on her she tenses up. She was confused by Winnie’s words and affection all she wanted was her Ducky.

After a while Winnie pulls away, wiping her tears with the backs of her hands she stands up on shaky legs. “I’m going to run you a nice hot bath, it will help. I promise” she turns to where the bathtub sat when she felt small hands tug lightly on her dress. Looking down she sees Y/n standing looking scared.

“It’s okay, here take my hand”

Filling the bathtub full of water she lets Y/n pull her underwear down and Winnie helps her into the tub.

“I’m just going to ask George to get some clothes for you and I’ll help you wash your hair okay? I’ll be right back I promise”

“O-okay”

“Bucky who’s that girl?”

“Y/n” he says as he watches his ma and Bunny go upstairs, he starts to follow when his fathers hand stops him.

“I know but who is she? Where did you find her?”

“In the woods-“

“You’re not suppose to go out there!” George scolds.

“I know! But I did and she’s my friend now”

Bucky really doesn’t understand what the big deal is, okay so he disobeyed his fathers order of not going over the fence but if he didn’t he wouldn’t have met Y/n.

George sighs and crouches down to his sons level “son what would have happened if you fell or hurt yourself and me and your mother couldn’t get to you huh? Listen son I’m not that mad at you okay, I just worry”

“I-I’m sorry dad”

“It’s okay. Do you know who’s hurt her?”

“Her father” he spits out in disgust “he drinks special juice and he hurts my Bunny!”

George is puzzled by what this special juice could of been before it clicks, sighing at the memories of him calling the alcohol that his father use to drink when he was younger comes up after so many years of repressing the memories.

“Oh son-“

“It’s not fair dad, why does he do it? She’s amazing and pretty and funny and weird and she’s my friend and sh-she’s my Bunny-“

“James breath! Come on son breathe with me a-and Steve, watch what we’re doing. There you go, oh come here sweet boy” George says seeing the tears fall from his sons eyes, pulling him into his arms he lets his son cry.

He hears sniffles coming from the side of him and he sees Steve crying too so he wastes no time in opening his arms for his unofficial adopted son for him to run into the hug too.

They stay in the hug before Bucky pulls away first, wiping his tears “dad can we go up and wait for ma to finish? I-I want to be with Bunny p-please”

“Of course, come on” he holds his hands out for his sons to place theirs in his before moving towards and up the stairs.

George and Steve sit down on the wooden floor as they watch Bucky pace back and forth, his eyes going from the bathroom door to the floor and back again.

“Dad what’s taking so long?”

“I’m not sure son, it’s okay though your mother knows what she’s doing don’t worry”

“It’s been so long though”

“Bucky come and sit down and tell me why you call her Bunny, ay?”

“She calls him Ducky, George” Steve giggles and George has to stifle his laugh as Bucky glares at Steve.

“Ducky, um strange. So Bunny?”

Bucky rolls his eyes and sits down next to his father “she calls me Ducky because she said Bucky was a strange name, I call her Bunny because she’s cute…like a bunny.” He shrugs, lightly tapping his knees with his fingers.

“I think Bucky loves Bunny” Steve tries and fails to whisper to George.

“I don’t love her Steven!”

“You sure James?”

“I. Do. No. Love. Her!” Bucky growls.

“Boys calm down, Steve stop winding Bucky up about him loving Bunny and Bucky just admit you love her” George laughs which gets slightly louder as Bucky starts hitting him.

“I do not! That’s gross! Girls are gross”

“Girls aren’t gross James”

“Yes they are. Bunny’s yucky”

Steve and George share a look full of mischief just as they start chanting “Bucky loves Bunny”.

“I hate you both!” Bucky says standing up to begin his pacing again.

“Buck we’re only messing with you” George starts “your right girls are gross and yucky”

“Dad can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can”

“Can Bunny live with us? I’ll be extra good and I won’t ask for anything for my birthday or for Christmas I promise”

“I-I’m not sure son-“

“Why not? Please dad-“

“Because she has parents Bucky-“

“Her dad hurts her!”

“She has a mother?”

“Yeah but-“

“Bucky-“

“I’ll run away and I’ll take Bunny with me.”

Sighing whilst sliding his hands down his face George is about to reply when the bathroom door opens, Winnie waving him over.

“Is Bunny okay ma?”

“She is darling I just need to talk to your father for a second”

“Can I see her?”

“Not yet, she’s in the bath. George can you go and get some clothes from James’s room please”

“Of course my love”

Bucky and Steve watches as George heads down the corridor and slipping into Bucky’s bedroom, not long after he comes back with a red checkered pants and a woolly sweater and some socks.

“Will this be okay?”

“Yes, thank you. How about you take the boys downstairs and start doing dinner? Make enough so that Y/n can join us” Winnie smiles trying not to look George in his eyes knowing that he’ll know that she’s been crying and she really didn’t want the boys knowing that their friend is covered in scars.

“Come boys you can help me, you have to make sure I don’t burn the house down”

Bucky waits until Steve and his dad is a little further down the hallway, turning to his mom he cocks his head to the side. “Ma…is she really okay?”

“She will be James, you should be proud of yourself for bringing her home to get help”

“Yeah…Ma I already asked dad but can Y/n live with us? I’ll be extra good I swear!”

“We-I-Bucky please go downstairs and help your father and Stevie with dinner”

Huffing loudly he nods and heads to the kitchen.

Winnies heart breaks as the hope vanishing from her sons eyes at the prospect of Y/n living with them. She couldn’t lie that the thought of having her in their home where she was safe and protected hadn’t crossed her mind, sadly she knew she just couldn’t kidnap the child no matter how bad her home life was.

“These belong to James but you can wear them, let’s get you cleaned up before we have some dinner”

After carefully cleaning Y/n’s body with the sponge and lavender body wash Winnie took her time in washing the girls hair, slowly untangling the knots apologising every time she snagged a rough one.

Once cleaned, dried and wearing warm clothes Winnie started on brushing Y/n’s hair, taking her time once again as the girls hair was curly and bushier than before.

“All done my sweetie. Let’s go and get some food in our tummies, yeah?”

“A-are you sure Miss?”

“Of course, you must be hungry”

Y/n nods and holds out her hand for Winnie to take, the woman does so with a smile on her lips and leads them downstairs to the kitchen. Steve was the first one to notice Winnie and Y/n standing at the archway he had to blink a few times to make sure it was really his new friend standing there.

“Buck” Steve whispers towards Bucky.

“What?” He whispers back.

“Look”

“Wha-Bunny!” Bucky noticing the blonde staring off so his bright blue eyes followed, landing on Y/n. Dropping the cutlery on the side he rushes over instantly pulling her in for a hug. “You smell nice an-and your hair isn’t wild no more”

“I had a bath Ducky!” She beams proudly, hugging him just as tight as he was.

Winnie’s eyes found George’s smiling sadly at her husband as she moves closer to him.

Steve stands there for a few minutes before slowly moving towards his friends and wrapping his arms around the pair.

“It’s called spaghetti and it’s nice” Bucky says showing Y/n how to twirl her fork around the food, after he had to stop her from picking up the food with her hands.

“It looks like wormies” she giggles.

“It’s nicer then worms Bunny”

She soon gets the hang of twirling the spaghetti around the fork and everyone’s taken back by the fact she’s the first one to eat every last bit of the home cooked meal.

“Would you like seconds Y/n? There’s plenty more left” George says already standing up to place more on her plate.

“Seconds?” She asks.

“It means you can have more Bunny” Bucky informs her.

“I-I-am I allowed Ducky?”

“Yeah, do you want so more?”

“Yes. It’s very yummy”

George piles more food on her plate, feeling rather proud of himself that someone likes his cooking - at the weekends the staff have the two days off and normally Winnie takes over cooking, on the rare occasions that George cooks everybody complains about it being burnt or undercooked.

“Thank you Mr” Y/n whispers before digging in again.

Her plate is once again empty before anyone else’s.

Y/n sits patiently waiting for Bucky to finish, her eyes fluttering around the room looking from one thing to the next when her eyes dart straight to Winnie who’s sitting there chuckling, Y/n has no idea what is funny but she starts to giggle too smiling widely at the woman.

“Darling what’s so funny?” George asks from his seat at the end of the table.

“Sweetie look at James for me” Winnie tells Y/n so she does. Bucky bursts out laughing when his Bunny looks at him with spaghetti sauce covering her lower face…and somehow a bit on her eyebrow.

“Bunny you’re messy again” Bucky laughs, taking his napkin and lightly and as gently as he could he starts rubbing the sauce off her face.

“Sorry”

“It’s okay Bun, all…clean”

“It just means that you enjoyed your dinner” George tells her.

“It was yummy. Thank you Mr Ducky’s dad”

“You can call me George sweetheart”

After dinner was done, they move into the living room, Bucky helps Y/n onto the couch and he sits next to her. Steve sitting on the other side of Y/n.

“Ma, dad can Y/n live with us now?”

“James I’ve told you it’s not that simple son” George starts before looking over at Winnie silently begging her to help him out.

“Your fathers right darling, she has a mama who is probably worried about her”

“But-“

“No buts James-“

“Please Ma”

“It’s okay Ducky, my father has gone away until Wednesday I’ll be okay and I’ll get to see you tomorrow and the next day”

“Sweetie…what do you mean? Where’s he gone?” Winnie asks.

“He said he had to go to Mexico for work, do you know where Mexico is? It’s super far away!”

“And where’s your mama?”

“I’m not sure I’ve not seen her in two weeks Miss Winnie doesn’t know where she is, do you know?”

“N-no I don’t sweetheart. Is there anyone at your house?”

“No”

“Who would be looking after you whilst your father is away?” Winnie then asks.

“No one, I have to go to my spot in the woods like before”

Winnie looks at George in what can be described as horror. George looks at Bucky who just shrugs.

“The spot you took me to Bunny?”

“Yeah…do I go now Ducky?”

“No!” Winnie and George shouts causing the three children to jump further backwards in their seats.

“No, we meant you can stay with us until Wednesday w-when your father gets back” Winnie says quietly.

“Yes!” Bucky cheers pulling Y/n under his arm “it’s going to be so much fun Bunny!”

Y/n giggles and nods.

Winnie tucks Y/n into bed in one of the spare rooms, she sits on the bed looking at the little girl as she brushes her hair out of her face.

“Are you okay sweetie?”

“Yeah, thank you Miss Winnie”

“You don’t need to thank me darling, would you like me to leave the light on for you?”

“No it’s okay”

“Okay, I’ll leave the door cracked open a little bit for you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Night night my sweet girl, I’ll see you tomorrow” she bends down and places a kiss to the girls forehead. Winnie freezes by the door staring into the darkness as she hears-

“Night night mama”

She meets George in the living room where she breaks down crying, telling him what she had saw on the tiny body belonging to Bucky’s friend, her husband holds her and cries himself.

A few glasses of wine later they head to bed themselves, Winnie stopping as she sees Y/n’s door fully shut, opening the wooden door she smiles at seeing her son in bed with Y/n, holding her tightly in his arms.

George comes up behind her, placing his hands on her hips and smiles. Whispering to her that they should go to bed, Winnie closes the door quietly.

“Night night my sweet Bunny” Bucky whispers into the darkness, kissing her forehead lightly, he heads off to dreamland.

Next>

Tags: @cjand10 @unaxv @mcira @bisexualnikkisixx

[punkshort]

look what we've become - ch.4

Chapter Summary: You finally get a chance to talk things out with Joel, but when you volunteer to take Ellie back to her family, it causes more tension.

Chapter Warnings: language, talk of parental death, discussions of pregnancy and marriage, brief mention of slavery, angst, Ellie being a cockblock, Joel is a little mean at the very end

WC: 8K

Series masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

It was the end of August, and it felt like the summer saved the worst for last. The heat from the sun laid over the town like a thick blanket, making it nearly difficult to breathe when you were working, forcing you to take more breaks than usual. Working outside in the garden attached to the greenhouse was actually more comfortable than being inside the building itself, the humidity so stifling you could almost reach out and touch it, but you still chose to take your breaks inside. Right in front of the little oscillating fan. Pulling your hair off your neck, you ran a damp cloth across your neck and chest, collecting all the sweat that had accumulated there as the weak breeze from the fan dried your skin.

You were alone at work all week. A bitter part of you thought it fitting, considering how lonely you felt at home, too. But it afforded you a lot of time to think. And cry. But eventually, the tears stopped, your body too depleted and your head too sore to keep it up. Now all that was left was the loneliness and the guilt. The more you replayed that day in your mind, the worse you felt. The look on his face and the way he tried to hold back his tears haunted you at every turn. The pain in his voice, pain that you caused, unforgettable.

And you deserved it, the way he left. You deserved so much worse. He did so much for you, and this was how you repaid him? He saved you, time and time again. He found Jackson, he built you a home, built you a life. And he hardly asked for anything in return.

It shouldn't have come to this. You should have been an adult, talked to him before it was too late, discussed your plans for the future. But how could you be expected to, when you lived in a world where a future was hardly a guarantee?

It surprised you that he even wanted anything to do with you after that night. That he even bothered to ask if you still wanted him, shocked he would still want you. Of course, you told him you wanted him. You did want him. You loved him more than anything, but you didn't feel deserving of him. Not after the way you treated him. He deserved so much better.

And you felt so fucking selfish for keeping him. For breaking his heart, and then begging him to stay.

You promised yourself you were going to talk to him when he returned. That is, if he even wanted to talk. To tell him everything, put it all on the table and let him decide. You owed him that much.

When Jesse and Jake returned without him, your heart sank. You thought the worst. Standing at the gate with Maria on your one side and Carrie on the other, waiting for him to appear. Maria thought the worst, too. You felt it when she clutched your hand, after Carrie ran to hug Jake and you both watched them joyfully reunite, neither of you wanting to ask, afraid of the answer. To his credit, Jesse told you the story the moment he made his way through the small crowd of welcomers, instantly flooding you with relief.

It was really only a minute, maybe two, where you thought you lost him. The last conversation you had wouldn't be the last words he heard from you. But for that minute or two, your world stopped, you forgot how to breathe, and your only thought was - my life is over, I can't go on, I'll never experience a shred of happiness again.

So, yes. When he came home, you needed to do whatever you possibly could to fix the wound you caused. Because what you had was worth fighting for.

You stood, mustering the energy to get through the next couple hours before you could head back home when the greenhouse door swung open and shut very quickly, taking you off guard. You glanced up, not noticing anyone at first, and wondered if you imagined it before you saw the top of a girl's head bobbing along one of the aisles slowly, admiring the various plants and flowers that were so tall at this point in the season, it resembled a jungle.

"Hello?" you called out, craning your neck down the aisle. You made eye contact with the girl, one you didn't recognize, and she froze, staring at you with eyes widened, clearly not expecting anyone to be in the building.

Frowning, you began to walk towards her, but stopped when she looked like she was ready to bolt back out the door.

"It's alright," you said, holding your hands up to her. "What's your name?"

Her gaze shifted back and forth quickly between your eyes, examining you carefully before answering.

"Ellie."

"Hi, Ellie. Are you- is your mom or dad around?" you asked, lowering your hands. She shook her head.

"They're dead," she replied flatly, and you felt your heart squeeze in your chest.

"I'm sorry," you said softly. "Mine are, too."

She looked at you differently now, more with curiosity than fear. Taking a couple steps forward, with her finger trailing gently along the plants that hung over the side of the tables, she came closer to the end of the aisle, where you stood in front of your workstation.

"Yeah?" she asked, and you nodded. "Before or after?"

"After," you told her.

"Mine, too," Ellie replied, her voice laced with sadness.

You stared at one another for a few moments, both wondering what the other was going to do next. You knew Ellie didn't belong there, that she was trying to hide, and she knew you figured that out already.

"It really fucking sucked," you finally said, and her eyes lit up, the corners of her mouth turning up into a small smile before replying.

"Yeah, it did really fucking suck," she said, and you both giggled simultaneously.

You were about to offer her some water, noting she was wearing long sleeves on such a hot day, when the door burst open once again, startling you both. Tommy pushed inside and glanced around, his eyes immediately landing on Ellie, and his shoulders sagged with relief.

"In here!" Tommy called out through the open door. And it all happened so fast, you didn't even have time to process that if Tommy was home, then so was-

"Joel," you said softly to yourself when your eyes fell on his familiar, broad frame entering the building. He looked at you first before allowing his gaze to drift to Ellie, his brow furrowing with annoyance, then back to you. You swallowed roughly, and you heard Ellie curse under her breath next to you.

"Oh, great," she muttered, and you tore your eyes away from him to look at her now, for the first time putting the pieces together. This must be the girl Jesse told you they were taking to another camp in exchange for medicine.

"What're you thinkin', runnin' off like that?" Tommy said to Ellie, walking down the aisle towards her. You could feel Joel's eyes on you from where he stood by the door as you looked at Tommy questioningly.

"What's going on?" you asked. "I thought Jesse said you were taking her to another settlement?"

"Change of plans," was all Tommy offered, reaching his arm out and motioning for Ellie to step forward and follow him.

"She's staying?"

"Not for long," Joel finally said as he narrowed his eyes at Ellie.

"C'mon, you can stay with one of the teachers in town til we can get you back home," Tommy told her, sounding tired. Ellie followed behind Tommy slowly, admiring the plants as she walked.

"You're taking her back to her home?" you asked, following behind them.

"Yeah, no thanks to Joel," she said with a sneer as she walked by him. He rolled his eyes and moved out of the way, allowing Tommy and Ellie to exit.

"Will you two give it a rest? Goddamn, enough is enough," Tommy said, sounding like he was scolding two children. But before you could ask more questions, they were gone, leaving just you and Joel.

You looked at him, your fingers nervously fidgeting, tangling together. Now that he was right in front of you, you realized you had no idea what you were going to say. No rehearsed speech. And the way he looked at you in that moment made you feel like you kicked a puppy, his big, brown eyes wide with lingering pain, and the knot in your stomach tightened. Taking a shaky breath in, you straightened your posture, trying to summon some confidence, but failing.

"Did'ya move out?" he asked, breaking the silence, fists flexing at his sides.

"What?" you asked softly, your brows knit. "No, of course not." He exhaled loudly, like he had been holding his breath waiting for your answer.

"Do you... want me to?" you asked him, casting your eyes down to your feet, unable to look him in the eye if the answer was yes.

"No," he said simply, and you nodded, relief washing over you, eyes still glued to the floor.

The heat was becoming unbearable in the greenhouse now that you weren't directly in front of the fan. You dragged your eyes back up to Joel and noticed his shirt was already damp and his face was flushed, sweat trickling from his hairline down the side of his head.

"I have a couple more hours here, but after, did you want to talk?" you asked, chewing on your lip. He stared at you, his eyes wide, jaw tense, body rigid, and he nodded. Other than still looking hurt, he was impossible to read.

"Okay," you said softly, looking away and turning to pick up your bucket of tools and gloves from the ground. When you straightened back up, you were shocked to feel his strong arms wrap around you, pulling you into his chest quickly. Your eyes fluttered shut and you dropped your tools in favor of circling your arms around his waist. You inhaled deeply, missing everything about him: his scent, his warmth, his touch, his voice. His heart hammered in his chest, you could feel it fluttering against your cheek, and you squeezed him even tighter, not even caring about the heat anymore.

His arms loosened and you opened your eyes again, allowing him to take a step back so you could look up at him.

"Joel," you whispered, reaching a hand up to his jaw, but he took another step backwards, clearing his throat.

"I'll see you tonight," he said, then quickly pushed the door open, disappearing and leaving you all alone with your heart stuck in your throat and tears pricking the corners of your eyes.

He was relieved when he finally made his way home and confirmed with his own eyes that you didn't move your things out of the house. Back when he hurt Jake, he came home to find you in the middle of packing all your things, leaving him in agony for four excruciating months.

Dropping his gear by the front door, he dragged himself up the steps, wincing at the pain in his back and hips from the past several days on horseback, until he reached the shower. The heat from the water helped the ache in his bones, but he still popped two ibuprofen. He hardly slept well on these trips, his body not used to sleeping on the forest floor anymore, so the urge to collapse into bed was strong, but he fought it.

He wandered down to the kitchen in search of food, and finding some leftovers in the fridge, ate over the sink as he stared out the window, his mind reeling. He spent the entire trip wondering what was going through your head, and he was determined to find out.

Pacing around the house, he spent the rest of the afternoon trying to stay busy, trying not to let his anxiety squeeze his chest like it used to. His panic attacks had gotten much better over the past couple years, but he still had moments here and there that brought him to his knees. Usually, you were there to help, to talk him through it. To help ground him.

When you arrived home, he had your kitchen table upside down, the four legs sticking straight up in the air with tools scattered on the floor around him. His back was hunched over as he twisted a screwdriver into the wood firmly with a grunt, then sat back on his heels to give the leg a shake, testing for any movement before standing up with a sigh. Turning around, he froze when he realized you had been leaning up against the wall, quietly watching him work.

"Didn't hear you come in," he said, scooping down to collect his tools and putting them back in his toolbox, one by one.

"What are you doing?" you asked him, and you could feel your pulse quickening as your nerves settled in.

"Fixin' the table, been wobbly for weeks," he muttered, and you nodded as if you had any clue what he was talking about, fairly certain that he was just looking for something to do to occupy his time. He locked his toolbox and put it on one of the kitchen chairs before running his fingers through his hair roughly and turning back around to face you.

"Is it me?" he asked bluntly, and your eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"No!" you told him immediately, and pushed off the wall to close the gap, about to reach out to him, but hesitated. "It's absolutely not you," you confirmed again.

"Then what is it?" he demanded, chest rising and falling faster than normal as he stared at you, his forehead crinkled with worry.

"It's me," you said with a shrug, as if the answer was obvious. "I'm scared, Joel."

"What's there to be scared about?" he asked, tilting his head to the side, his hands itching to reach out and hold you, to prove there was nothing to fear.

"Everything!" you said, exasperated. "Look around! We barely survived this, and who knows what tomorrow will bring. But to have a baby? A helpless, little baby who doesn't understand they need to be quiet if we are in danger, who wouldn't have access to the medical care you and I had when we were little-"

"These new people have tons of medicine," he told you, shaking his head. "Whatever a baby would need, I can get."

"Okay, fine. But the rest, Joel... if we had a baby and something happened to this place... to us-" your voice caught in your throat at the thought of a baby being orphaned, all alone and scared. Then your mind drifted to your conversation with Ellie, the perfect example of a child abandoned, left to depend on strangers to take care of her.

It seemed as though Joel either made the same connection, or finally understood your fears, because he sighed and hung his head.

"Alright," he agreed, shoulders sagging.

"Joel, if a child is something you really want, it's not fair for me to stop you from doing that," you said, blinking away the tears.

"I don't want a kid unless it's with you!" he said angrily, turning away so he could pace around the kitchen. "Quit sayin' shit like that."

"I'm sorry," you said softly, sitting down weakly in one of the kitchen chairs, staring at your hands in your lap. He sighed and stopped pacing, choosing instead to brace his hands on the kitchen island, staring at you from across the room.

"It's fine," he said unconvincingly.

"No, it's not," you said, looking up and calling out his lie. You could see the tension in his jaw from where you sat across the room, a muscle twitching under his patchy beard.

"No, it's not," he echoed in agreement. "But I'll get over it."

You weren't sure what to say after that. Part of you wanted to tell him again that he deserved everything he wanted out of life, and you felt so selfish for not feeling the same way, but you knew he would get angry if you suggested it again. So you remained silent, letting him work through his thoughts while you waited.

"And marriage?" he asked after a few minutes, trying to keep the hurt from his voice.

"I think I just need some time," you told him, feeling guilty enough for denying him a family.

"Okay," he said, looking down at his hands splayed on the counter. His face relaxed as he audibly exhaled, and you could tell your answer gave him a bit of relief.

"Are you sure it's okay?" you asked timidly, and he glanced back up at you.

"Yes," he said, pushing off the counter and rounding the island. He crouched down in front of you, still seated on the kitchen chair haphazardly placed in the middle of the room, the kitchen table still upturned. Taking your hands in his, he gave them a reassuring squeeze. "We'll get through this," he told you softly, and you pressed your lips in a thin line to keep them from trembling.

"You promise?" you asked shakily, eyes watering, and he nodded.

"Promise," he said firmly. He reached up, fingers pinching your chin gently as you stared at one another before he tugged your face forward, pressing his lips softly against yours. You could tell he was trying, but you didn't feel the usual heat behind the kiss. It felt mechanical and distant, but when he pulled back, you forced a small smile, anyway.

Maybe you both just needed some time.

Tommy didn't waste any time. The very next day after arriving back in Jackson, he began to organize a group of men to go raid the neighboring police stations for guns and weapons, Joel included. The plan was to only be gone for one night, maybe two, which wasn't too bad, but considering the fragile state of your relationship, it made you uneasy.

You both went through the motions of your typical routine. Getting ready for work at the greenhouse while he repacked his bag with fresh clothes and food. The morning he left, he walked you to work like he normally would, neither of you hardly saying a word, both trying not to acknowledge the ripple of tension between you. He gave you a quick kiss, told you he would miss you, you told him to be safe, and you each went your separate ways.

You wished you had more time together before he had to leave again, maybe it would have made you feel better. Less anxious, less distracted, less questions. The first morning was spent rethinking everything the two of you said, every interaction. And you tried not to dwell on the fact that, for the first time in a very long time, you woke up without his arms around you. Instead, he was curled up on his side of the bed, not even facing your direction. So, when Ellie found her way back into the greenhouse that afternoon, you were grateful for the distraction.

"Hey," she said softly behind you, causing you to jump.

"Ellie! Hey, what are you up to?" you asked her, standing up with a grunt. You had been hunched over for too long, as evidenced by your spine crackling when you stretched.

"Nothing really," she said, glancing around at the plants. You noticed once again that she was wearing a long sleeved shirt.

"Did Julia offer you any new clothes?" you asked with a frown.

"Yep."

"Aren't you hot?"

"A little," she said with a shrug, and you decided to drop it when it became clear she wasn't going to offer more of an explanation.

The two of you spent the next couple hours occasionally chatting, but mostly sitting in a comfortable silence while you worked. Ellie would watch you and ask if you needed help, and to make her feel useful, you would ask her to get you a watering can, or a certain tool. She seemed to enjoy helping, noticing she became more relaxed as the afternoon wore on.

"You know, you're staying right across the street from my house," you told her as you began cleaning up.

"I know," she said, and you looked up at her, surprised.

"You do?"

"Yeah. I saw you come home yesterday," she said, perched on top of your workstation, legs swinging back and forth.

"Oh. Why didn't you say anything?" you asked as you lifted your apron over your head to hang on the wall.

"Dunno. You seemed like you were in a rush."

She was perceptive. She didn't offer much about herself, but she seemed to read people very well. A byproduct of the last few years of her life, most likely.

"I know all this must be confusing for you," you said, leaning up against the workstation, crossing your arms. "But you can stop by my house anytime, alright? If you need anything, or just want to come hang out. Here, too. If you want."

"Yeah, okay," she said quickly, a small smile spreading across her face. "Thanks."

"You wanna walk with me back home?" you asked her, and she nodded, slipping down from the table and bouncing alongside you as you walked out of the building and back into the sweltering heat.

"How's it going over at Julia's?"

"It's fine," Ellie replied, kicking a small stone as you walked up the street together. "She's nice. But..."

You glanced at her from the corner of your eye, waiting for her to continue.

"She's old. And she's a little boring. Gave me a bedtime like I'm some little kid and made me say my prayers before dinner," she said.

"How old are you, anyway?" you inquired, realizing you never asked before.

"Almost fourteen."

"Yeah, that's a little old for a bedtime," you said, nodding in agreement as you approached your house. You stopped in the middle of the road, expecting Ellie to say her goodbyes and head over across the street, but she hesitated.

"You wanna grab dinner with me?" you asked her, and she looked up at you with a grin, nodding enthusiastically. You smiled back and jutted your chin towards Julia's house.

"Go tell her I'm taking you to the dining hall, I just want to change real quick and I'll meet you back out here."

"Okay!" Ellie replied, looking the most excited you'd seen her since you met.

After you cleaned yourself up, you stepped out of your door to find Ellie pushing herself back and forth on your swing at the end of the wraparound porch.

"Having fun?" you teased, and she jumped off the swing, sticking the landing and trotting over to you.

"Yeah, your house is really cool," she said, following you down the steps as you made your way to the center of town.

"Thanks. Joel built it for me. Well, the swing and porch, anyway."

"Joel?" she said questioningly, her nose scrunching up.

"Yeah, he was with the group-"

"I know who he is," she said, cutting you off and casting her eyes down to her feet. "Are you guys married or something?"

"Uh, no," you said, ignoring the fluttering in your chest. "But we're together."

"Oh," she said quietly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. He just doesn't seem to like me much," she said with a shrug, but you could tell she was trying to put on a brave face.

"I'm sure that's not true. He doesn't even know you," you said, walking up the steps to the Tipsy Bison.

"Don't think that matters," she mumbled. "He didn't want to bring me here. Wanted to take me back to them."

Joel had briefly told you about Ellie's history with the Fireflies the night before, that Ellie was forced into slavery, but he failed to mention his own opinions about her.

"He's a good man. He's just got a lot going on lately," you said, hoping to leave it at that. Ellie eyed you curiously, but let it go, flopping down in a chair at an empty table, head swiveling around the room to check out all the people while you went to the bar to place an order with Seth. When you came back with your food, the dining room had grown more crowded, most of the tables already filled. Ellie's eyes lit up when you placed the tray of food down in front of her.

"Thanks! This place is so fucking cool," she said before digging into her food like it was her last meal.

"Yeah, we are really lucky," you agreed.

"Were you here when this place was built?" she asked you around a mouthful of food.

"Not at first," you said, then proceeded to tell her a bit of your own story. How you and Joel knew each other before the outbreak and you traveled across the country to try to find Tommy, never expecting to find him in the town you now called home. She nodded along eagerly, hanging on your every word and asking questions along the way. You chose to leave out a few parts to your story that a child shouldn't have to hear about, focusing more on how you both survived and depended on one another for safety, instead.

"Was he a dick before the outbreak, too?" she asked you after she had long finished up her dinner.

"Ellie!" you scolded her, but you smirked. "Actually... he was worse," you said, and you both dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"No, seriously, he's not that bad. He comes off like he's all tough, but deep down he's a softie," you said. "There's a whole other side to him that's just..." you trailed off, your eyes glued to the table as you thought about Joel.

"Just what?" she asked, urging you to continue.

"Just really good. He's loving, and sweet, and caring. He would do anything for this town, puts himself at risk all the time, expects nothing in return," you said, realizing you were rambling, but Ellie didn't seem to mind. "I'm really lucky to have him."

Ellie looked at you for a few moments, studying your face as you struggled to hide your feelings. Rehashing everything that you love about Joel just made you feel even worse, wishing for the millionth time that you weren't so selfish, that you could give him what he wanted.

"You guys have been through some shit, huh?" she said, and you looked back up at her. Very perceptive.

"Yeah," you said softly, and that was all she needed to hear.

"Alright, then," she said dramatically, standing up from the table. "I guess I could give him another chance. For you."

"How generous of you," you joked, standing up as well and leading her to the exit. "If history is any indicator, Joel tends to need a couple chances before people start to like him."

You both laughed as you headed back down the street, the sun beginning to dip lower behind the houses. Ellie was in the middle of telling you about a comic book she was reading, enthusiastically acting out her favorite parts of the story, when you finally made it back home.

"Okay, kid. You should probably get home. It's close to your bedtime," you teased, and she scoffed at your joke, rolling her eyes.

"Fine, I guess I'll have to pick up where I left off tomorrow," she said, begrudgingly heading across the street to Julia's house.

And that was exactly what she did. You had been in the greenhouse for all of ten minutes before the door swung open and Ellie burst in, this time with her comic book in hand so she could read it out loud to you while you worked.

The entire second day Joel was gone, you spent with Ellie. You told her odd pieces of information about Jackson, she would read or quietly draw your plants on some crumpled loose leaf paper she had stuffed in her backpack, never really giving away much information about her own history. But you didn't mind. You knew if she ever wanted to share, she would do it in her own time. You just wondered how much time the two of you would have left.

Joel arrived back in Jackson early on the third day. You were surprised to hear your front door open as you were making yourself a quick breakfast in the kitchen.

"Hey, you're up early," you called over your shoulder. "Are you hungry?"

"Already ate," Joel's deep voice rumbled somewhere behind you, and you spun around in surprise.

"You're back," you said, trying to get your bearings.

"Who'd you think it was?" he asked, dropping his backpack on top of the kitchen table.

"Ellie," you said, turning back to the stove to shuffle your eggs around in the pan.

"The kid?" he asked you, and you nodded.

"Yeah, she's been keeping me company the past couple days. She's really funny and smart," you said, turning the stove off and sliding your food onto a plate. You walked over to him, taking in his dirty clothes and face. Setting your plate down on the table, you took a step closer and hooked a finger into one of his beltloops. It wasn't lost on you that he neglected to greet you in his normal fashion. Accustomed to him wrapping you in his arms and pulling you in for a searing kiss, minimally.

"How'd it go?" you asked quietly, staring up at him, trying to read his face.

"Good," he said gruffly, seemingly unphased by your hand so close to his belt. "Got the guns. Tommy's gonna organize another trip back to the Fireflies to drop 'em off, tell 'em the kid ran off, and hope they let us keep the meds."

"Does that mean you're leaving again?" you asked, trying to keep the disappointment from your voice.

"No, he's gonna send some other guys. Said we earned a break," he said. His hands that would normally be all over you were shoved deep in his pockets.

"That's good, you need to relax," you said, bringing another finger up to hook into a beltloop. You pushed yourself up on your tiptoes to reach up and give him a soft kiss, one which he returned, but didn't deepen.

"You gotta get to work?" he mumbled, tipping his chin down to break the kiss. You shook your head.

"Day off," you whispered, trying to sound suggestive. "I can help you relax, if you want," you added. You felt nervous, your heart thumping loudly in your chest, not sure what he was thinking and afraid of being shot down.

He finally dragged his gaze back to you, and you swore you saw a familiar glint of lust flash across his dark eyes. You held your breath, waiting for him to say something, anything, to make you feel less exposed.

"Maybe later. I gotta clean up," he said. You deflated a bit, but noticed he hadn't attempted to move away, so you tried again.

"I don't mind. I like it when you're dirty," you said, sinking your teeth into your lower lip, and that seemed to do the trick. His nostrils flared and he took a deep breath, his eyes falling to your lips. And finally, he dragged his hands out of his pockets to reach down and cup your ass, pulling you against him roughly with a grunt. You gasped when you felt the hard outline of his cock pressed against your stomach, then hungrily covered his mouth with yours, your tongue swirling around his as your hands left his belt to grip the dark curls at the base of his neck.

"Missed you," he mumbled against your mouth before greedily making his way to your neck, his fingertips digging into the plumpness of your ass.

"Me, too," you whispered, closing your eyes and tipping your head to the side, giving him better access.

"Ew, gross," you heard Ellie say, startling you both. You jumped away but Joel strategically stayed behind you, adjusting himself when Ellie wasn't looking.

"Whaddya want?" Joel asked roughly with a frown. Ellie plopped herself down in front of your abandoned plate of eggs and took a forkful before screwing her face up into a grimace.

"These are cold," she said, but continued to shovel more in her mouth, anyway.

"Good morning to you, too," you said to her before walking back over to the stove, heating up the pan to make more food.

"Morning," Ellie replied, mouth full of eggs.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you to chew with your mouth closed?" Joel asked her, arms crossed over his chest. "Or to knock before bargin' into stranger's homes?"

"Nope," Ellie said with a smirk, and let her jaw fall open so Joel could see even more of her partially digested food. He made a face and rolled his eyes.

"Lovely," he said sarcastically, looking away.

"Besides, she's not a stranger," Ellie said, nodding in your direction. You smiled to yourself, your back to the pair of them, pleased that the girl found a friend in you after all she had been through.

Joel sighed and dropped his arms to his sides as he headed towards the stairs.

"I'm gonna go wash up, then we gotta meet Tommy and Maria at the town hall," he told you. You frowned, turning away from your eggs.

"What for?"

"Informal council meeting. To figure out how to get this one out of here," Joel replied, shooting a look at Ellie. Her chewing paused as she looked back and forth between you and Joel.

"Oh. Right," you said with a nod as he headed up the stairs, the bedroom door shutting behind him.

"You're on the town council?" Ellie asked, and you shrugged, turning the burner off for the second time and sliding your eggs onto a new plate.

"Guess I am now," you said, and joined her at the table. You both chewed thoughtfully while you heard the shower turn on upstairs, right above your heads.

"What if I wanted to stay?" she asked you quietly, staring down at her eggs.

"I don't know, Ellie," you said with a sigh. You had a feeling this was coming.

"Can you try to convince them?" she asked you earnestly, looking up at you now. "If you're on the council, maybe you can tell them to let me stay."

You chewed on your lip, trying to figure out how to handle the delicate situation.

"It's complicated," you said. "They are lying to those people to protect you. If the Fireflies ever found out, it could be really bad."

She nodded solemnly and looked back down at her plate briefly before shoving it away and standing up.

"I should go," she said, avoiding your gaze as she headed toward the door. You stood up to follow her.

"I'm sorry, Ellie," you said, and you really were. You didn't want to tell her that you wanted her to stay just as badly, that you didn't have any power to make that wish come true, that you were just another adult who failed her.

"It's fine, I'm used to it," she said over her shoulder as she swung the door open. "Thanks for breakfast," she added, jogging lightly down the steps and shoving her hands in her pockets as she headed back across the street.

You sat quietly at the conference table while Tommy went over the plan to return Ellie to her family. Someone must have asked her where she was from, because Tommy had a map spread out on the table with Phoenix, Arizona circled in red marker, his fingertip gently tracing up the map slowly until he found Jackson.

"Probably take a week to get there. Week to get back," he said, straightening up to look at the group. Besides you and Joel, Maria was also there, along with Bill, the town doctor, Eugene, and Claire, a high school teacher. "Figure it shouldn't take many people, I don't want to leave this place defenseless just in case this blows back on us."

"Who is going to take her, Tommy?" Claire asked, her glasses sliding down her nose as she leaned forward on the table.

"Me and Maria volunteer. I'll see if Jake's up for another trip, and maybe one more," he said, avoiding eye contact with Joel. You shifted in your seat, about to open your mouth to volunteer when Joel's head whipped towards you, shooting you a glare that said don't even think about it.

"I'll do it," Eugene said.

"I'll need another group to take the guns to the Fireflies, was kind of hopin' you might take the lead since you know 'em," Tommy replied, and the older man nodded.

"Wherever you need me," he said.

"I'll go with Eugene to take the guns," Joel offered, and you stiffened in your seat.

"Alright, maybe Jesse'll go with you and that should be enough. I oughta warn 'em we're comin'. I'll radio over later today, see if I can get ahold of Marlene, tell her the story," Tommy mumbled, jotting down a note for himself as he spoke. "I'll ask Carl to come with us to take Ellie."

You cleared your throat, drawing the table's attention.

"What if she stayed?" you asked, and Tommy paused for a moment, glancing at Joel before looking back at you. "What? Is it that absurd? She said she wants to stay, and that way we aren't risking the lives of four people to get her to Arizona safely."

"No, we would be riskin' the lives of the whole town if she stayed," Joel countered. "If those Fireflies ever find out we lied, we're fucked."

"He's right, darlin', I'm sorry," Tommy said. Maria cast you a sympathetic glance and you sighed.

At least you could say you tried.

They had agreed to disband each group in a couple days, allowing everyone a chance to rest up, as well as give Tommy an opportunity to touch base with the Fireflies over the radio.

Joel gripped your elbow once you were both far enough away from everyone as you made your way home, pulling you closer.

"You weren't about to volunteer to take that kid, were you? Tell me I'm crazy for thinkin' that," he muttered lowly next to you.

"I didn't volunteer, did I?" you shot back, not exactly answering the question, and he knew it, but he still released your arm. "Besides, you volunteered to take those guns to the Fireflies, when you just told me you weren't going. Like that isn't even more dangerous? What if they see right through this lie and do something?"

"That's different and y'know it," he said, and you scoffed.

"Right, because it's you," you replied, rolling your eyes.

"No, 'cause this needs to get done, and it needs to get done right. And I ain't riskin' my neck takin' that kid back to her family," he said, jaw clenching. "Neither of us are riskin' it. It was a mistake to bring her here in the first place."

You opened your mouth to argue back, but decided against it. He got what he wanted anyway: you were staying home. That aside, you could tell your relationship was still in a fragile state, and you weren't interested in making it any worse.

The next morning, you arrived at the greenhouse, leaving Joel behind in bed at home. He would typically walk you to work, but you wanted to make sure he got as much rest as possible before yet another journey outside the walls of Jackson. You were still disappointed that he volunteered for the task, especially after he told you he would stay home, and the insecure part of you wondered if he was trying to stay busy as a way of avoiding you.

It wasn't until closer to lunchtime that Ellie finally joined you at the greenhouse, much to your relief since you had become used to her being around to keep you company.

"Hey kid, where have you been all morning?" you asked her when she came in with no more than a silent nod in your direction as a greeting.

"Maria came by," she said, and you noticed right away her voice sounded distant. You stopped what you were doing so you could give her your full attention.

"She said I'm leaving in a few days, wanted specifics on where my aunt and uncle lived," she continued, and you nodded along, wiping the sweat from your brow with the back of your hand. She was avoiding eye contact, focused entirely on her open backpack and rifling through her meager possessions.

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I did try, you know, in the meeting. But it wasn't up for debate," you told her. She nodded in acknowledgement, still keeping her eyes cast down.

"I get it. I know there's some people who really don't want me here," she said, choosing not to name names, but you knew who she meant. "But at least we still have a week."

She must have noticed your silence because she finally glanced up at you.

"Maria said it will take a week to get me there. You are going, right?" she asked. Your face must have given you away because she clenched her jaw and shook her head. "Are you fucking kidding me, man?"

"Ellie-"

"You have to come with me!" she pleaded now, her eyes wide. "Please!"

"I can't, I'm so sorry," you said, your heart breaking at the expression on her face. She stomped angrily across the room, tears welling up in her eyes as she gave you a firm shove, making you stumble back in surprise.

"Not fucking cool," she said, giving you another shove, nostrils flared. And then another. And another, until you were up against the wall and couldn't move backwards any further. Two tears fell down her cheeks and her fists were raised to pound on your chest out of frustration, but you quickly wrapped your arms around her instead and pulled her in close for a hug, tears blurring your vision.

"I'm sorry," you repeated over and over as you held her in your arms, gently swaying back and forth as she cried silently against your chest.

"I need to tell you something," she said, pulling away and wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "But you need to promise not to tell anyone."

"What-"

"Promise me!" she yelled, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks as she stared at you with a fire in her eyes.

"I promise," you told her. She looked at you for another minute, as if she were deciding whether or not to really tell you. She sighed, glancing back at the closed door once before pulling up the sleeve of her shirt.

You raced down the street, sweat collecting at the base of your neck and hairline, as you bobbed and weaved your way to Maria's house, hoping Tommy would be there. You could hardly think straight, the past thirty minutes completely sending you off the deep end. She's immune, she's immune, she's fucking immune.

Knocking erratically on the front door, you struggled to catch your breath, wiping the sweat away as best you could with your other hand while you waited impatiently for an answer. Just as you were about to start knocking again, the door swung open and Maria stood on the other side, giving you a confused look.

"Is Tommy here?" you gasped, and she nodded, her eyes widening at your demeanor and ushered you inside.

"Are you okay?" she asked you, and you nodded, glancing in the living room to find it empty before you headed to the kitchen. You stopped cold when you saw Joel was there with his brother seated at the table, two maps spread out in front of them. They both looked up when you entered the room, and Joel stood from his chair immediately, coming over to you with a look of concern.

"What's wrong?" he asked you, taking you by the shoulders to give you a once over, but you stepped aside so you could address Tommy behind him.

"I'm coming with you to take Ellie back to her family," you told him.

"Like hell you are!" Joel roared, dropping his hands from your shoulders, but you ignored him. Tommy sighed, looking back and forth between you and Joel, before standing up from his chair.

"Darlin'-"

"No, Tommy. I'm going. You said yourself you needed a fourth person."

"You ain't goin' anywhere," Joel said, narrowing his eyes. You finally caved and met his gaze. "We talked about this," he added.

"Things change," you said, and he bristled at your response.

"What changed?" Tommy asked calmly, and you turned your attention back to him.

"She's scared. She wants someone she trusts to go with her," you said, only half lying.

Tommy and Maria exchanged glances. You waited for a response while Joel seethed next to you, staring daggers at his brother.

"Tommy, she ain't-"

"We need a fourth, Joel," he said, cutting him off.

"Find someone else!" he yelled, running his fingers through his hair.

"I can do it, I can handle myself," you assured Tommy, ignoring Joel's reaction once again, knowing you only had to convince one person. "You know I can handle myself."

Tommy gave his brother a pained look before looking back at you.

"Alright," Tommy said, and you breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll keep her safe, Joel," Tommy promised, daring to look at Joel, who was brimming with so much anger, his face looked flush.

You glanced at Joel, his jaw clenched so tightly you wondered if he was cracking his molars. His gaze bounced between you and Tommy, not sure who to channel his rage toward.

"Joel, it will be fine. Sit down, you're going to give yourself a heart attack," you said, trying to smooth things over, but it was no use.

"Fuckin' hell," he grumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Guess I'm goin', too."

"That's fine, I'll shift some guys around, send Jake with Eugene," Tommy agreed with a nod. Joel just stared at the ground, taking deep breaths, trying to control his temper.

"Thank you," you whispered to Joel, reaching a hand out to place on his shoulder, but he stepped away.

"Thought you didn't want kids, why don't you make up your damn mind," he snapped, and it felt like he punched you in the gut. He turned on his heel towards the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Your eyes filled with tears and your face flushed with embarrassment as Tommy and Maria glanced awkwardly at one another. Maria stepped forward and wrapped an arm around your shoulders so she could lead you into the living room.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked you, handing you a tissue. You shook your head and dabbed your eyes.

"Not right now," you said quietly. "Thank you. I'm sorry I put you in that position, I didn't know he was here," you said, addressing Tommy, who was leaning against the doorway, watching you both.

"It's alright, he'll get over it, I know how to handle my own brother," he said with a smirk. You chuckled and wiped your nose before taking a deep breath.

"I should probably go," you said, trying to force a smile. Maria walked you to the door and reminded you quietly that she was there if you wanted to talk. You gave her a quick hug and thanked them both before heading back down the street towards home, hoping Joel had a chance to cool down and come to his senses.

If Ellie was immune, you needed to make sure she got in the right hands, to have a chance to explain to her remaining family the gift she was given, and if you were the only person she could trust to confide in, then so be it. You wanted to tell Joel the truth, but you made her a promise, and you weren't going to let her down again.

Tag List @nana90azevedo @ninaminaromina @untamedheart81 @taz-97 @nastiasnow @amyispxnk @plz-be-solo @iloveramensm @caitlynsixxx @anoverwhelmingdin @harriedandharassed @jessthebaker @txtattoostark - if your name is crossed off, it won't let me tag you. lmk if I missed anyone

[vansmaybeonthewall]

reputation // are you ready for it?

prologue summary: The one where you, a somewhat well-known singer, figure out exactly how to leave your boyfriend who so happens to work as an assistant coach at West Ham.

Eventual Jamie Tartt x Reader

i was inspired to make a series by @buckychristwrites and @illiterateaffairs, who made the beautiful series' 'About You' and 'Distractions' respectively, so let's give this a go

word count: 0.7k

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Folklore and Evermore are fantastic for someone like (L/N), but is it enough to top the charts?"

"While (L/N)’s storytelling and emotion come through, does she have the audience for such a piece?”

“Previous attempts at topping the charts proved difficult, country or pop, what can (L/N) do next to be number one?”

“Fans approve of the narrative, but do the numbers?”

“It’s definitely a reach releasing two albums within a year of each other. I mean how desperate can you be?

“After experimenting with an album sampling multiple genres at eighteen, is this what (L/N) is finally good at?”

~

It’s exhausting. Everything. Trying to prove yourself while also trying not to seem full of yourself. How can someone just rise to the top of the charts? How can you be good enough? Every day there were articles calling you names and how much of a failure you are and could be. The bad always outweighed the good things people had to say. How can you make someone see who you are and what you are trying to do? It’s impossible to conform to every single version of yourself that people want you to be. It doesn’t help when your boyfriend has already achieved his dream. Helping coach his favorite team. A bittersweet thing to see. His compliments that can seem backhanded at teams. You’ll get there sometime babe. Don’t worry, you’re number one to me. Humiliating coming from someone so fake and narcissistic. Oh yes, the boyfriend you have put your life on pause for, albeit being together for two years, has been cheating on you for the past 3 months. Utterly humiliating.

It only gets worse considering he took over the job of managing you and where you play as an artist. It gave him some sort of promotion of rank amongst the other coaches. Nobody really recognized you at the football events he “booked” for you. Why would these older men listen to songs about a fictional love triangle? The only ones who recognized you were the bored teenage daughters dragged along to such events.

And asking for help is out of the question. Your best friend was only so far from you, playing for A.F.C  Richmond. Phone calls and texts could be made any second of the day and you would be swooped away, but you chose not to. Colin has a busy life as you do, so it wouldn’t be right to call him about every single problem you were having, right? You were both doing what you’ve wanted to do since you were kids (one enjoying it more than the other), so why should you disrupt his life with yours?

But when you wake up the next morning with the opportunity of a lifetime, it seems like life has taken a turn for the better. 

“Babe! Babe!”

You turn towards the doorway of your writing room resting your hands in your lap from their place on the piano. Derek leans against the doorway, trying to catch his breath.

“They want you to play! At the stadium!”

What.

“What are you on about?”

“Rupert wanted to one-up that ex-wife of his and Jasmine gave the idea of getting someone popular amongst fans to perform at halftime in a game against Richmond! Fantastic isn’t it! You’ve got to thank Jasmine for this, god that woman is amazing.”

Derek disappears down the hallway still shouting at the news. You sit wide-eyed and frozen. Not only at the news, performing in front of hundreds of fans at what possibly is one of the biggest games is a huge opportunity and you should be happy about it. Well, you are, but the name that left your boyfriend’s mouth gave it a sour taste. Jasmine. The woman he kisses and loves behind your back. And the one who gave you a chance at the spotlight in two months' time. Popular amongst fans? Was she being serious or being sarcastic? Nonetheless, what the hell.

An amazing woman, you think.

You stand and make your way to the nook in the window. You stare down at the people who walk past before grabbing at the journal and sitting yourself down. Opening the journal to the page marked by a pen holding its place, you start writing down your next idea. 

reputation 

You drag the pen quickly on the page leaving a straight line underneath the word, a smirk making its way to your face.

[lavendertales]

Guilty pleasures: Chapter 3

pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: cautious with your questions to and about Ellie, Joel snaps at you in private, the conversation culminating with a very surprising twist. But even that can't prevent you from drawing your own conclusions about Ellie.

word count: 4.7k

A/N: TENSION. that's all. this is a birthday gift for @katronautt. Happy birthday, my love, I hope your day is as cool as you ❤️and happy Valentine's Day to you all, my sweet lovebugs!

AGELESS/EMPTY BLOGS & MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED!!!

gif: @magnusedom

series masterlist | AO3

JULY

The air had grown thinner in the past month. Everyone could feel the warmth of the season wearing them down to the point where all they sought to do is kick back and enjoy a cold drink.

Despite the low number of raids and sightings of infected, the patrol group remained alert. You didn’t mind, really; starting the night shift when the sun was going down, after having spent most of the day in the sun, it offered you a sensation you hadn’t felt since your childhood back in California. If anything, it made you nostalgic. Even with everything that was going on.

Since news broke out that Tommy singlehandedly took care of a group of raiders in June, the people in Jackson have become more vigilant of their whereabouts and surroundings, but there was also a bizarre concoction of fear and admiration targeted at the man who built an entire town from scratch. Tommy was just as loved as before—people just knew now to never get on his bad side.

The other Miller brother though, that one was the thorn in your back.

Things have gotten more… quiet between the two of you. Which was preferable to the rest of the patrol who were growing tired having to listen to you bicker all the time. But, since that June night when the two of you nearly committed what could’ve only be described as a fatal mistake, Joel simply distanced himself from you. And you followed his lead; you did the exact same thing. It was much better this way. You both relished into the stillness of the environment, neither one of you being on the talkative side, and you only spoke when absolutely necessary.

The interesting thing about that? It grew to be bothersome. It was actually kind of upsetting that all you and Joel did was gaze at each other from afar, eyes darkened by unspoken things that you would’ve rather buried than to ever allow to come to the surface.

And that made you even grumpier and angrier. You failed to understand this kind of reaction to someone who repeatedly called you stubborn and relentless, and it was causing you to lose sleep too, to dwell into the littlest things and put them for observation under a microscope.

You knew why this was happening, of course. It was a no-brainer. But it’s not like it was your fault. Not even his, really. It was a silly little moment of distraction, nothing else. So what if you were caught in the rain and his calloused hands were over your waist, keeping you close, and you were unable to look away from his lips?

It was nothing but a momentary privation of judgment, a mere result of years of solitude and finally coming in contact with human warmth.

But, rather than stewing in your confusion, you chose to mind your business and go about your days as usual. Aside the occasional run-in with the infected, your life in Jackson has been pretty boring throughout the past seven months, as opposed to the unstable and chaotic life you’ve led in the past seven years. You can’t really complain though; it’s been a nice change of pace. It makes you think of your family, how they would’ve fit right in here.

Today, however, upon Annie’s request, you agreed to train some of the kids in town how to handle weapons. It wasn’t the easiest task if you really thought about it. You found it to be a grim scenario, teaching children how to use guns. But the world you’re living in is cruel and unforgiving, and there are worse punishments than death. In retrospect, learning how to defend yourself from a frail age might be a preferable choice than the alternatives.

A bullet flies right by your head, and you duck instantly. You search the fairly small crowd of children to find the culprit, and your eyes land on a brown haired, doe-eyed teenager. You make a face when you remark the guilt on her face.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.

You inch towards her. “Ellie, right?”

“The one and only. I think.”

“So you’re the infamous Ellie.”

She looks you up and down, eyes landing on the holster strapped to your right thigh, then moving back up to your figure.

“Saw you around with Joel,” you explain, unwilling to be misunderstood. You knew that sometimes people found your dry-spoken words to be intimidating, and you didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. Trust was very important, and a must-have in any situation. “He seems fond of you. Which makes me think he’s part human.”

Ellie smiles, and so do you. “Jury’s still out on that one.”

“Ah.”

Her eyes drop to your holster again. “Can you teach me how to use that?”

You follow her eyes to the same spot, noticing she’s referring to the special knife you keep in the holster. You then raise your brows at her.

“What for?” you ask rather amused.

Ellie shrugs. “What if I need it?”

“You mean my one-of-a-kind knife that only I possess? Highly doubt it.”

“You said it yourself, it’s not a regular knife. I mean—look at that thing! It’s got that curve thing right there… it’s a nice blade!”

You suppress a chuckle, staring in admiration at her. She’s got spunk, alright. She’s excited and funny and warm, in spite of everything that the world may have thrown at her. You suppose that’s the magic of being a kid. You can still find the light in the darkest of places.

“Not many kids are interested in weapons, you know?” you tell her as you pull her aside. “Take a look around. They don’t wanna do this. But it’s a necessary evil. You, on the other hand… you’re a pretty special kid.”

“So I’ve been told.”

There’s playfulness and sarcasm in her voice, and it makes you like her more. You can definitely see why Joel took a shining to her as well.

Now, you don’t know the full story. You only know the bits and pieces Tommy deemed acceptable to confess to you. All you heard is that Ellie was wanted by the Fireflies and that Joel was supposed to deliver her to them, but changed his mind and saved her from them, killing an entire group of people who stood in his way. There were some pieces of that puzzle you could put together without anyone telling you anything explicitly, but you kept to yourself. You sure as hell wasn’t gonna ask Joel about what happened.

“So? What do we think?” Ellie asks. “Do we have a deal?”

You frown, half amused and half impressed with her boldness.

“It’s not up to me, you know.”

“Sure it is. It’s your knife, isn’t it?”

You huff, staring at her and hoping that she’ll get the message without you actually saying it. Luckily, she does; within the next second, she makes a face to reveal her disappointment.

“Do not say it’s up to Joel,” she nearly whines. “He’s just gonna say no.”

“Okay. Then I can say no.”

“Oh, come on! We’re at a how to use a gun camp filled with kids and you’re gonna deny a kid a little weapon?”

“You still gotta work on your aim with the regular gun. You nearly shot me in the head.”

“Holding a grudge, I see.”

You smile. Unbeknownst to you, Joel is somewhere in the background, your silhouette in close proximity to Ellie’s having caught his attention. He watches carefully, a dozen scenarios invading his mind at that very moment.

“It’s not a grudge,” you reassure her. “I just think that if you can’t handle something as simple as a gun, you won’t be able to handle this knife.”

“A knife is easier than a gun.”

“You think so?”

Ellie nods, and you pull out the knife, twisting it between your fingers. Her eyes go wide with admiration, thirsting for knowledge. Then, as you hand the blade to her, she looks at you utterly stunned.

“Go ahead,” you tell her. “Stab me.”

“Uh… what?”

“You said it’s easier than a gun. Show your work. Try and stab me.”

“I’m not gonna—“

“Try to.”

Indecisive, Ellie holds the knife, weighing it. Then, she moves towards you, swinging the blade as you instructed. You duck, and as she pulls away, she notices a little string of blood coming from her hand.

“Shit,” Ellie says under her breath, noticing her bleeding palm.

You take the knife back from her and sliding it into the holster.

“It’s not a regular knife,” you say. “You were right. Which means that if you don’t know how to hold it properly, you’ll most likely kill yourself before you kill someone else.”

Joel moves closer in the background, reckoning something was wrong. He sees Ellie slouched, staring into her palm, and his pulse starts to race.

“If you’d teach me—“

“You already tried to shoot me today, so I’m gonna stick with no. And as much as you might hate hearing it—or as much as I hate saying it—Joel is technically your guardian. If he says it’s okay, I’ll teach you.”

“So that’s not gonna happen.”

You shrug. “Looks like we’re both stuck on Joel.”

“We?”

Taken aback by your own words, you clear your throat as your eyes drop to her hand, still bleeding in the slightest. You take it in your hands, examining it, but she shyly pulls away, dragging the sleeve of her shirt over it.

“It’s just a cut, it’s not that bad,” you try to reassure her.

But Ellie looks even more hesitant as she gulps, staring into the ground.

“Why are you wearing long sleeve shirts in the middle of summer?” you ask. “Aren’t you warm?”

“I’m good.”

Her tone, like her face, drops, and it only raises more questions for you. Questions you don’t pose. Instead, you put a hand on her back to guide her through the crowd and head to the little stand you and Annie set up for this exact purpose, filled with medicine and bandages. You wrap her palm nice and tight and in the process, her eyes catch the tattoo on your right wrist. She opens her mouth to say something, to ask you questions, but when she glances over your shoulder and sees Joel fast approaching, she goes silent.

“Are you okay?” Joel asks Ellie, and she nods. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Ellie says. “A little scratch.”

His dark glare goes to you, and you can tell he’s angry.

“Why don’t you go back to the group?” you suggest to Ellie.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

The tension between you and Joel must’ve been more obvious than you thought.

“What happened?” Joel asks you instead.

“She wanted to try out my knife, I said no. She insisted she can handle it, and I proved to her she can’t.”

“By cuttin’ her?”

“I didn’t cut her. She scratched herself with the tip. I told her this kind of blade can be dangerous if not held properly.”

“Wrong time to do a show and tell.”

You huff, visibly displeased. “What’s up with Ellie, though? Why is she still wearing long sleeve shirts?”

The question stuns Joel. It’s written all over his face; you swear you detect some fear in his eyes too, but dwelling into that wouldn’t bring you anything good. Maybe just another headache and sleepless night.

“I’m not her father,” Joel retorts coldly. “She can wear whatever she wants.”

“I’m just saying. It’s the middle of summer, it’s hot as all hell. You’d think—“

“I don’t know, okay? What’s with the interrogation?”

You frown at him, raising your hands in surrender. “Pardon me for taking an interest.”

“Others have taken an interest in her before. Didn’t turn out so well.”

“The Fireflies?”

Joel’s face hardens with anger as he moves closer to you. You can even hear his teeth clenched in fury. You haven’t seen him this mad thus far.

“What the hell do you know about that?” he growls.

“I know that the Fireflies are just an excuse for doing fucked up shit of their own,” you reply, hands crossed at your chest. “They’re not so different from FEDRA if you think about it. So I’m guessing that whatever happened that made Ellie wanted by the Fireflies, it had to be a huge deal.”

Joel keeps quiet, munching on his bottom lip as he stares you down. You’re a stranger, basically, and the history between him and Ellie is known only by the two of them, Tommy and Maria. And there’s no way that Tommy would reveal everything to a stranger, even if he valued your skills and even thought of you as Maria’s right hand.

“I don’t want to know what happened,” you tell him. “And I don’t care about it. I was just expressing interest in Ellie. She’s a great kid.”

“She is,” Joel admits rather grudgingly.

“You got nothing to worry about. You and I, we’re just on patrol together. If you wanna ignore me because you got scared or whatever, that’s fine by me, I don’t care.”

Joel’s stares you down with a vicious twinkle in his eyes, as if he’s suggesting you to stop talking before you regret it. But you don’t care; you said the truth and if the truth is bothering him, there’s some food for thought.

“I’m not scared, and least of all of you,” he emphasizes viciously.

You inhale, rolling your eyes. The gesture brings out to the surface even more anger, anger that Joel can barely contain.

“Whatever you say.”

You turn your back to him, to which Joel responds with his fingers curling around your wrist and holding you in place. The touch is unexpected, electric, and the grip itself is far from harsh. On the contrary: it holds a gentleness to it that you wouldn’t have thought such a rugged man is capable of.

“If you’re talkin’ about that night on patrol last month—“he starts, but you instantly cut him off.

“I’m not talking about that. I was just pointing out the facts. You’re the one who brought it up.”

“How the hell are you so—? Jesus fuckin’ Christ.”

He lets go of you, rubbing his temples as he impending sensation of a headache takes over. He looks at you, shaking his head in dismay. When he sees a smirk forming in the corner of your mouth, he furiously licks his lips.

“How the hell am I so—what?” you ask, downright curious.

“Quit askin’ about Ellie,” he warns instead.

After Joel storms off, you smile in Ellie’s direction. You notice she doesn’t even roll up her sleeves, and your suspicion lives on. You don’t go around asking anything, though. It’s dangerous to talk about such things out loud, especially when this is merely a hunch at the moment. A very strong hunch based on plenty you’ve seen, but a hunch nonetheless.

You respect Joel’s words though, which again, it baffles you. Normally you wouldn’t care, but minding your business is top priority right now.

Which is why you’re surprised when you find Ellie on your doorstep later that evening. She has the same spark in her eyes as she did when she asked about your knife, which points to curiosity.

“Ellie,” you greet her, doing nothing to conceal your astonishment. “What are you doing here?”

“Well… I was gonna ask you something, if you don’t mind.”

“If it’s female-related, I understand why you wouldn’t ask Joel.”

Ellie chuckles, rubbing the back of her neck. “I don’t know why everyone thinks I tell Joel everything, or that we got some sort of father-daughter relationship.”

You scoff, hiding the laughter that’s about to come out of your mouth.

“You’re kidding,” you tell her. “That man was ready to shoot me today when he thought I hurt you. I’ve never seen a man so protective over anyone. He cares about you. A lot, based on his reaction.”

“I care about him too, he’s a pretty cool and badass guy, but he’s not my dad.”

“Sure he isn’t. Come on in.”

As Ellie enters your little house, she takes a quick look around, fidgeting with her fingers. You find the habit quite adorable, seeing as how Joel struggled with that too sometimes when he thought no one saw him.

Fuck. Did you just use adorable and Joel in the same sentence?

Fuck no.

“So, what are you doing here? What can I do for you?” you ask.

“I saw your wrist tattoo today. It’s pretty cool.”

You sneak a glance at your left wrist, then you look back at Ellie.

“Thanks,” you say. “You came all the way here to compliment my tattoo?”

“I came here to ask… if you’ve got any other tattoos.”

“Why?”

“I’m… thinking of getting one.”

Let me guess: on your right wrist.

“Where?” you ask instead.

“Not sure yet.”

You notice the hesitation on her part, but you have enough common decency to pretend like you don’t.

“Okay, well,” you start, taking a seat on the couch with Ellie following suit, “I got five tattoos in total. The one on my left wrist, then one on my right thigh, one on my left ankle, one behind my left ear, and one on my lower back.”

“Can I see them?”

You raise your brows at her, and Ellie’s face gets flushed.

“I didn’t mean that to be in a creepy way,” she quips, rather embarrassed. “I know some are private. I meant… for visualization.”

You smile reassuringly at her, and she seems to relax a little.

“Yeah, we’re not that close,” you joke, and that manages to steal a giggle from her side.

“Which one is the biggest?”

“My lower back tattoo.”

“What’s it of?”

“A snake with a half moon.”

“Whoa. Cool!”

The look on her face is quite adorable. You can tell that no matter what life threw at her, Ellie still carried some of that childlike innocence.

“What about the others, what are they of?” Ellie asks.

“I got a flower with leaves on my ankle, butterfly on my thigh, M for my sister Maya behind the ear and the rose on my wrist, which… you’ve already seen.”

You search her face for any reaction, anything that might tell you what she really noticed about your tattoo, but nothing appears. After all, she only caught a glimpse, a fleeting look. She didn’t have time to study the real reason behind the tattoo.

“You said the M is for your sister?” she inquires, and you already got a knot in your throat when you murmur a faint “mhm”. “Where is she?”

“Uh… filed under ‘people I’ve lost’.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

You clear your throat. “What about you, what tattoo do you want after all?”

“I don’t know. Something big enough to cover… scars.”

“Where?”

She falters yet again. “Right arm. I can’t—I can’t show you.”

“That’s okay. I wasn’t gonna ask you to. But I do hope this is helpful.”

“It is, thanks.”

“Why me though?”

She shrugs. “I think you’re pretty badass and I like you.”

To that, you smile. “You’re pretty badass yourself.”

“Does that mean I get another go at the knife?”

You shake your head and reply No before she can even fully finish the sentence.

“What happened to your sister?” Ellie asks.

The air feels constricting as you stare at her, trying to verbalize the answer. Turns out, seven years in the making and the wound still remains fresh.

“That’s a… that’s a story for another time,” you say with a bitter smile.

Ellie knows better than to push when the conversation is clearly sensitive. After all, there are things about Riley that she can’t quite fully disclose, even though, paradoxically, she loved to talk about her.

She rises from the couch, headed for the door when she turns to you and sports a charming smile.

“Thanks,” she tells you, and you nod. “I don’t know why Joel keeps insisting you’re annoying.”

You do nothing to conceal your surprise at the reveal. “Aw, he talks about me? How nice.”

“He complains a little too much to make his case believable.”

“Yeah, well. Tell him I think he’s just as stubborn and thick-headed.”

“Tell him yourself.”

Your eyes shift to the window, noticing his silhouette on the porch. He’s got his hands on his hips, and his face is darkened by anger. You shake your head and huff whilst guiding Ellie to the door.

“Speak of the big, bad wolf,” you greet him.

“Ellie, get outta here,” Joel tells her.

“I was going anyway. Sheesh, such a drama queen, relax.”

Joel waits until Ellie is out of earshot. You both watch her get farther and farther away till eventually, it’s just you and him on the porch, underneath the stars-filled sky.

“May I help you?” you ask.

Joel is like a ticking bomb. And with those words, you just pushed the button.

“What the hell do you want from Ellie?”

“She’s the one who came to me.”

“For what? What do you want with her?”

You’re taken aback by how spurred on Joel is, how protective he’s become of that sixteen year old girl and the lengths he’ll go to in order to keep her safe. It doesn’t intimidate you though; if anything, it makes your hunch turn into something more.

“She came over to ask me about my tattoos,” you carefully enunciate each word. “That’s all we talked about. She was here for ten minutes. I didn’t snap her neck.”

Joel makes a dissatisfied sound. “I told you today to stop askin’ about her.”

“And I didn’t. Get it through your thick head: I have no interest in hurting her. I have no intention of hurting anyone here.”

Jaw clenched and lips pursed, Joel looks at you, some of his anger vanishing.

“She’s just a kid,” he says, guttural. “She’s been through enough.”

“I am well aware of that.”

“She doesn’t need other problems.”

You cross your arms at your chest. “You think I’m a problem?”

“I don’t know. Are you?”

You inhale slowly, painfully aware of how close you are to one another. The thick, dry summer air is boiling in between you, rendering this moment even more asphyxiating.

“What are you so terrified of?” you ask him.

You can tell the question stumps Joel. He frowns, his lips quiver, and he looks at you with genuine confusion.

“What?” he retorts harshly.

“What makes you freeze dead in your tracks when there’s someone else around you?”

Joel’s frown deepens as he tries to determine whether you’re being serious or not.

“In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been in this fuckin’ outbreak for twenty something years.”

“The infected don’t scare you, not anymore,” you continue seemingly mindlessly. “I know, cause that’s me. I see ‘em, I’m ready to shoot them down. Most of the time, anyway.”

You open your mouth as realization sinks in, watching a distressed Joel Miller drink in the sight of you.

“It’s human contact that terrifies you,” you conclude. “You can’t stand having people around you. You’re surprised when they stay.”

“I’m surprised when they don’t wanna kill me.”

“Lemme guess. Sad and tragic past, now you refuse to let anyone in because you’re afraid of the hurt and you can’t do it again. You tell yourself you can’t keep losing people you care about.”

“Just—stop.”

His voice is husky and harsh, filled with painful undertones that make you wonder of the tragedies in his past. You wonder what pieces of him are so far gone that he refuses to let anyone in.

That, in return, is scary to you.

“What’s the fuckin’ point, anyway?” Joel asks as if he’s having an internal monologue. “Some are lucky enough to live another day, others could die tonight. Living is a luxury. And getting’ attached… it’s got no upside to it. We’re gonna lose in the end no matter what.”

“I understand that,” you reply, much to his surprise. “Clickers, infected… those are easy. They have but one purpose: to kill. Humans, on the other hand… they’re tricky. You may never know what’s inside their heads. That’s the terrifying part.”

“You got your degree in psychology or somethin’?”

You stifle a chuckle, resorting to a mere smile. “Or something. What I can’t quite put together though is why you’re afraid of me.”

Joel cocks an eyebrow in your direction, growing more alert and aware of the fact that he is so close to you he could count your eyelashes. He swallows harshly, nearly breathless.

“Afraid of you?” he fights back. “I could pin you to the ground in one second. You ain’t a threat.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. You avoid me, you refuse to talk to me directly, but I hear you do talk about me with Ellie, quite a lot… so what gives?”

Joel does not avert his eyes from yours. On the contrary, he stares you down, fighting a losing battle with his own mind. There’s something about your words, so tantalizing and filled with shameless subtexts that cause his head to spin and his breath to come out ragged.

“Pin me down then,” you instigate him. “Pin me against the wall for all I care. You’re not doing it, and you are not going to. Because you’re afraid that you don’t actually find me annoying at all.”

The twitching in Joel’s fingers worsens, his heart racing and his throat completely dry, as opposed to his mouth which is damn near watering.

“Keep talkin’, see what happens,” he mutters.

“I think nothing’s gonna happen. Wanna know why? You talk a big game, but you’re just—“

The warm, intoxicating sensation over your mouth doesn’t register at first; it takes several seconds before you realize that this is, in fact, Joel Miller who’s kissing you.

His lips are tender against yours, but his hands provide a harsh contrast with that as they grab your hips and hold onto them for dear life. His moustache is tickling against your upper lip, his tongue glides against yours and you sigh; you actually sigh right into his mouth, the sound reverberating throughout Joel’s entire body and making him feral. You cup his face, desperately holding onto him, onto anything that might provide some stability because this… this is something wild and needy, and it utterly consumes you.

Joel is practically holding you into his arms as he’s kissing you like a starved man. There’s an omnipresent throbbing in your body, but especially in your belly, and you squirm against him, starting to crave more.

But then, Joel pulls away from you as abruptly as he began this whole shenanigan. Breathless, he stares at you with a hunger you wouldn’t believe if he weren’t right there in front of you.

Lips swollen and reddened, you fight to regulate your breaths. “Did you just—?”

“No.” His answer is rough, quick to deny everything.

“But I—“

“It’s nothing,” he says, licking his lips. “Don’t make a big deal out of this.”

You remain speechless. Truthfully, you’re not sure what could you possibly say right now. You messed around and teased him and now here you are, lips swollen from a kiss that Joel Miller gave you. A wet, needy kiss that opened a floodgate of desires for you.

He mumbles something to you before he leaves. What, you don’t fully comprehend. You’re all alone on the porch on that hot July evening, trying to process the fact that you shared the hungriest, most passionate kiss of your life with someone who did everything to keep you at bay.

Maybe this is why.

And maybe his overprotectiveness over Ellie isn’t that far-fetched either.

After all, protecting a girl who’s immune to a fate worse than death is a big deal.

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[dumdeeedum]

OK, "Interview with the Vampire" Is Not Only Boring But Stupid for Other, WORSE Reasons: (Spoilers Ahead) Made some edits because apparently when I write this shit out with a headache its inscrutable. Hopefully it reads a little better now even though I still have a headache. :P

Season 1 and season 2 of this show now feel like they're done by completely different people and the season 1 people didn't talk to the season 2 people and the season 2 people are much dumber, worse storytellers. Is that the case? Is this now being written by AI?? Should I be watching the tiresome explanations of what the fuck is going on after each episode of the show to understand something??

None of this season works and that's on top of the existing issues this show already chose to have that were always going to make telling these particular stories tricky.

I have so many problems with this episode specifically and then I'll move on to the rest of the show in another post so this doesn't run too long but unfortunately since I have a headache while writing this it's still gonna be a bit stream of consciousy:

EDIT: Was there something wild about how I worded this that is making people think I thought the adaptation should have spared Claudia and Madeline? I thought I made it very clear that it wasn't THAT they died it was the way it was done that is the problem. If I wasn't then I'm saying it now: Madeline and Claudia dying wasn't THE issue and I'm not saying Claudia died and Louis was banished BECAUSE of their race. I'm saying that the way the show depicted the whole situation and Lestat's and Armand's involvement in THIS depiction was real bad optics and it could have been done differently.

Perhaps I'm doing too "woke" a reading of this but we can all agree that what the theater troupe and, more importantly, LESTAT and ARMAND did to Louis, Claudia, and Madeline was a public lynching? I'm not nuts in that interpretation of events when White people decide to put 2 Black people and a woman already understood to be a Nazi traitor on "trial" for murdering someone (who is still fucking alive), with the punishment being death, and the all-White audience gets to decide their guilt and fate, that's a lynching. Even if the audience saw it as merely a show they got to participate in, they inadvertently participated in a lynching.

Was that intentional? Was I meant to understand this as anything OTHER than a lynching with Lestat actively participating? That CAN'T be the case. Everything about this made me so uncomfortable and was so fucking bizarre that I feel like SURELY I must be missing something or SURELY they must intend to do some big time revealing next episode because what the fucking fuck was that? Was it because they had to justify all the time we wasted on boring the shit out of us with Santiago?

Is this meant to be the "gothic horror" aspect of this series that's been missing this entire season? The lynching of Claudia? Why was this done as a public trial at all when it worked perfectly well in the books to have this done in private by the coven. In the books the troupe is loyal and even indebted to Lestat so Lestat goes to them for help only to have them betray him because they never let go of the vampire law indoctrination ARMAND had a hand in for GENERATIONS before.

(edit) In the book Armand saves Louis because Armand loves LESTAT and at this point loves Louis as well but Claudia is a sacrifice both Armand and Lestat were willing to make, make no mistake about that. At this point Armand wants to get away from the coven he's been in charge of for generations, he wants to take Louis away and live with him in the modern world, and he also still wants to be wanted by Lestat, something Lestat has never given him. But they both allow what happened to Claudia to happen and a lot of what Lestat says about Claudia and how he feels about her is done in retrospect in Lestat's version of events.

Even in the books Lestat is a total bitch to her throughout her life even though they have more in common with each other than either of them have with Louis. But it simply makes no sense for the coven to make this vampire business public in THIS way. These vampire do WAY too much vampire shit in public and it's annoying and this time it's just gross. It was important to the story that Madeline and Claudia die, I'm absolutely NOT SAYING THEY SHOULD HAVE LIVED. My issue was with the way the show handled their deaths.

I know that up to this point in the original "Interview with the Vampire" book we understand Lestat to hate Claudia but still be attached to Louis but the show has done such a messy job at incorporating aspects of both "Interview..." and "The Vampire Lestat" into the narrative that I don't understand why certain aspects of how Lestat feels about Claudia were left out/kept in and this is inexcusable. I'm DONE with the way they're handling Louis telling Daniel this story. I'm surprised Daniel didn't close his laptop and walk the fuck out by now because they're wasting the little time in his life that he has left.

Everything about this episode was deeply disturbing in a way that I have a really hard time with because I, as a reader of the books, understand Lestat and Louis to be endgame and understand Armand to be part of the gang so what the utter fuck is going on here? Am I meant to never want THIS Lestat and Louis to be together again because that's how I feel right now. Am I meant to want Armand to fuck off forever because that's how this entire series has made me feel. I feel like Lestat and Armand threw Louis and Claudia to the racist wolves and there's no excuse for anything that happened this episode to have happened this way.

(edit) I am NOT saying that Claudia and Madeline should have lived and that that's the only way for Lestat to stay in our good graces. I truly believe that in the books EVERYONE understood Claudia's death to be a necessary evil because she was untenable given her age (5-6) when she was made and the negative implications of that. That's way less the case here and on top of the way it was handled you DO begin to question whether it was something they can get past in the way they get past it in the books.

The cutting the back of their heels and how they conveniently don't heal even though these are vampires, the way Louis' is positioned as aggressive and abusive to the White guy even as the White guy tells us that it was mutual (we're not even going to get into the depiction of "mutual abuse" in this series right now), the way Claudia got ZERO sympathy from anyone even though the audience is told in no uncertain terms that Claudia was the victim of something monstrous even by vampire standards and Lestat is just as guilty as Louis. And this is ANOTHER example of why Claudia doesn't work as "14" because not only would she have been seen as almost a woman if not already a woman in that time period at 14 but even WE, the SHOW'S audience, are having a hard time seeing her as a child because the show has done such a bad job with that and hired an adult woman to play her. Is that intentional for the sake of this scene and making it so this audience wouldn't empathize with her?? Why?? It'd have been SO MUCH MORE IMPACTFUL, even with this racist ass lynching retelling, if she'd been VERY VISIBLY a child!

What IS the theater audience supposed to be seeing? Did the writers even CONSIDER that? Because we know that White people have ALWAYS and CONTINUE to see Black people as older than they are and teens in particular in this time period were not given the same grace that they're given now, especially Black ones. So the only conclusion I can come to is that the writers of this show sacrificed Claudia's ENTIRE arc to have her sexualized for a few minutes in ONE episode, to have her fall in love with the Nazi lady (?) and then decided that her end would come at the hands of a racist lynch mob who was never going to see her as the child she was meant to be VISUALLY. No, really, was that intentional??

Am I supposed to still want to see Lestat after this? Because make no mistake, Lestat does some wildly fucked up shit in the book series, he fucks up a lot. But this is something else entirely, this feels like the writers didn't think this through and are going to have a really hard time putting Lestat front and center, if they intend to do that at all, after all this. How am I supposed to want to continue to entertain Armand's shit after this? With everything we know Armand to be capable of and he somehow couldn't take the little vampire dude "guarding" him? Be fucking for real. Even the book series didn't hide the fact that Armand was very much involved in this and ultimately Louis still chose to be with him. But in this I see absolutely no reason for Louis to pick either of them unless he's being coerced to do so and that doesn't seem to be the case.

(edit) Claudia being 14 instead of a proper child also makes Lestat and Armand allowing her to die less forgivable to us as an audience. Because when we understand all the problems of a child vampire stuck in a 5 or 6-year-old's body we see that she was untenable unless she had a person willing to be a sort of parent to her for the rest of her life. Especially when book Claudia didn't have the abilities that show Claudia would. But in the show she's 14 which means she was absolutely viable if a little unstable. The problems with a CHILD vampire aren't the problems of a teen vampire, especially one that could simply explain away any issues people may have with her appearance as "I look young," which we know already worked in the past. What if book Madeline got sick of Claudia? What if book Madeline died, etc. We can't help but think of this stuff when Claudia is a little girl but when Claudia is 14 and has already been alone for stretches of time it makes less sense to us as an audience that she would have issues alone for any length of time later.

Why is this the way they've chosen to tell this story?? Not only have they committed the ultimate entertainment sin of being BORING but they've changed EVERYTHING to make it so much WORSE and to DRAG. They really DO think they're telling a better story than the original and it's fucking AWFUL. It's an AWFUL adaptation even by adaptation standards, it's inexcusably bad when they were given more time than they'd ever need to tell this ONE book's story and as a result should have had more than enough time to flesh out the more interesting parts. Instead they said very little this entire season in the most excruciating way possible. Fire this entire writing team, get Bryan Fuller back ASAP and I'm not even joking because there's absolutely no way this show runner and writing team are equipped to do the VERY DIFFICULT work of making a character like Lestat entertaining and likable even as he does awful shit. Not if this is how they've chosen to go about it.

I'm so upset at this. I totally understand why both Anne Rice and Christopher Rice distanced themselves from this adaptation and Christopher Rice doesn't even promote it like he did "Mayfair Witches."

[acourtofquestions]

A long running list of Rowaelin moments that give me life (cause the pining is too much in QoS & things HAVE CHANGED so much since HoF; some spoiler alerts for both):

For all I hated at the start it is also all I grew to love…

They have never been black & white; good stories & characters never are. They are both sides of the coin for better & worse.

There is a reality & humanity to them (surprisingly so within the fantasy series of magical fae) because regardless of that fact; in good or bad they are seen, accepted, & known (in love or hatred). Something crucial for two characters who spend so much time invisible all the while desperately lonely despite their attempts to “try” & stay in the shadows wishing needing someone anyone to stay.

There is a natural ease of understanding within them, even from the beginning (when it was not easy). Rowan still manages to know her better than anyone, to the point of creating cruelty (on occasion) when his words were such sharp weapons poised to hit her exactly where it hurt most (without knowing the full why behind it); at this time he understood her but did not know her yet; even though he is not speaking to her as often as he is to himself, they are such of the same it has the same impact on them both. Then there is the beauty of when they do know & understand; how it helps them understand & see the other side to the coin for themselves, & choose to give them both kindness or at least pull a punch for the others sake; because they understand beyond the surface what it meant, because even the assassin & warrior who never shoot second will take a burn for the other or avoid the fight in the first place. They act as a mirror to each other.

They are also able to handle each other: something none of Aelin/Celaena’s relationships had before him; actually the opposite, it was a large fear of hers that led to everything feeling very fragile (or recklessly self-sabotaged before). She was afraid of herself, afraid as she had been taught to be, afraid as they were, & afraid for them & of them & their fear. — Dorian never fully understood her; though he was the first to admit it & try to know/love her better as a friend. — Chaol epically failed at this, & is trying to hopefully epically apologize. — Sam is the one who would have; he would have waited & been honored to hear her story just as he said, & when she was ready she would’ve told him knowing without doubt he would not turn away, it would’ve healed an unspoken wound in seconds if they’d had the time… though Sam didn’t have to know everything to know her & love her wholly (as he did); she never got the time to experience it, she may have known it but she needed that time to say the words & not see him change to her because that fear always echoed; especially after… but Rowan, Rowan was different. Rowan held her as it singed him & did not drop her once, Rowan watched her burn a forest & did not flinch, Rowan pushed her to let out the monster & not once forget who she really was or stop reminding her; not when she played meek, not when she made threats; he can handle the best worst & in-between, he can even handle proving it. And so can she; she may have drawn a line in the sand for herself after he shut her down, but she lets him back in, opens the conversation. They do not turn away. They are unafraid. They can handle it together.

In being so truly brutally known they feel loved, the only way they could; because they are known, there is no skeleton or lie or imposter syndrome to inevitably catch up & come true. They know even if they do not feel worthy, even if they are terrified of losing it (whether it be a mess up or twist of fate), they cannot outrun or outfight it or find sense in denying it, for whatever reason they are loved. & they meant it, for they had every reason not to; for the times they hurt each other they had meant it & knowing what they could do meant they chose this too & that their I love you is just as true. They both needed that; something so solidly built on such trust. —

Above all they are honest; it is all they have left, all they have ever been, what Celaena desperately needed especially as she accepts Aelin, what Rowan desperately needed in a reality check & cause to believe in. The other point being: they need each other, whether they like it or not (& it is not for a while; love terrifies them for good reason, but for each other they are also brave & learning to be braver in the safety of it).

As Aelin herself said best ‘no wonder they loathed each other’ & as I’d say to their yin-yang thing “no wonder they loved each other”

P.S. note (on the note of brave & meant to be; esp. as I love the multiple soulmates in a lifetime for all the things we grow to be & sometimes have no choice but to lose): I think Sam & Lyria would have wanted Rowan & Aelin for each other… I think they would’ve been thankful to know the ones they loved most would find someone who loved them so well too… I think for all Rowan & Aelin are, there is all Celaena & Sam, and Rowan & Lyria were. There is something healing in the way their relationship doesn’t take from that which was, nor them as they are, it just is. And I think for them the fact they both loved & lost like that means a lot; she needed someone who could go to the grave with her, who could hear her whisper of another love & know they are not less then, who could leave a stone because even if they never met he was grateful she had someone who loved her like this; he needed someone who could love him like this who could face him after he turns away, give him steps & breath & pace, brush the tears away & trace the marks knowing what they meant without worry of what it means. They are not a replacement or a replica or a better off, they are what they are, just as they were what they were. And that is a very real kind of love & understanding of grief & how intermingled these things can be while remaining somewhat wholly seperate; one that goes deeper than fiction; one that meant a lot to me to see represented.

(In new light of little recent-re-reads) 1st meeting with Maeve Celaena falls back into Rowan; that’s what keeps her standing… while it also keeps her from running… gotta give the guy credit for having the whole “tall dark handsome stranger” thing down.👌

He goes after her into the woods. He keeps his distance, he lets her go, but he did not let her leave just to run to her death. He would not let her leave like that, he would not leave her like that. His anger did not overpower his humanity, nor did it ruin his further understanding to knowing he missed something (he knows right then he was wrong & so slowly he starts figuring it out) & helping her know too.

He lets her fight him. He knows she needs to say it, needs to get rid of it, needs to be a wildfire; so he takes the burns. He lets her say the terrible true words of how she feels left without Nehemia. Because he knows her rage better than himself.

The “we’re not friends” don’t friend zone me undertone.

He thinks more of her before she does for/of herself. He sees a queen from the start, he never asks her to be it, but he always believes she is capable. He never doubts that.

Even in her anger she gives him credit for what he is. For the leader they look up to. For the punches she asked him to throw. For the life he would lay down for any of them. For the hero he is & she wishes she could show him so he’d see.

Though they never fear each other they do fear for each other. Instead of paralyzing or reckless within it they find ways to care for each other in it. He stays to care for her, she lets him. He lets her ask too many times if he’s okay after he gets hurt & lets her check for non-existent fevers, so she can sleep soundly too. They know they need to know that; & their hearts are in the others hands.

He tells her. He tells her about Lyria, about the baby, about Maeve, about him. Because he knows she needs to know him; because he needs her to know him. … She listens because she knows he needs to be heard. … Right there is a huge lifeline, as he decides to build the bridge of trust (even if he gets burned) & she decides to not hurt him with it. They begin to cradle the others vulnerability instead of using it as a bullseye. They earn each others trust.

He also later asks to hear about her because he truly wanted to know & doesn’t pretend to understand more when he does not (cannot); so he asks. And she tells him; because she wanted him to know. They get better at talking about things like that too.

In the matters they also don’t excuse the issue there in the first place: they do mess up & they know it, so they do better. … They keep trying & growing together. … She does not burn him again. He never uses those words again. The honesty is not complacent… it’s just, well, honest.

Minus the fact “there is only one bed” & despite his “one night only” warning they keep ONLY one bed.🤭😉

He pauses. He lets her pause. They pause. He wishes he’d have known before she burned, & she begins to tell him the next time. She wishes he’d have explained the words first, & so he does that night & again the next time. They go to other continents to deal with the pieces, they take the others pace. And they come back anyway because they need this; a chance to breathe. They take a day around Rifthold. They fight & still rest. … They are built to survive & last, the deep well, (slowly & they learn it together).

They are a very slow burn (pun intended?) & there is beauty in this of course but also a very very needed stand against time. Because they take their time, among a war; because they know there must be a life beyond it & they will not ruin it because of this. They will not let fear of the past & desperation cloud them into mistakes, they will not build this upon that; they will do it right, because they will not simply exist to exist they will live to live… It's why he never crosses that line & it's good because it would have been wrong; he never takes advantage of his command & her as a soldier, that would not be their beginning. It's why she never wanted the oath; she would never ask him to leave it all; she would never ask him (even if she needed to beg to save her own heart from breaking) she would not make him do that; she would not make that their beginning. They take the time to love each other as people first, not for anything more than that. To do this right. They are friends; and they are good true friends; even when it is a silly “just friends” moment, the truth is they are always friends on some level (something neither of them quite have or have had… not like this at least & I don’t mean romantic, I mean in the honest dear closeness they give without need for anything else).

— And in that note:

He stays on his knees ignoring his own burns for hours to give her the slightest relief in drips of water across her face. He sends her breezes. Even the wind carries her to him. THEY ARE FIRE & ICE!!!

“The Old Language word was beautiful on his tongue--and if she'd had a death wish, she might have begged him to speak only in the ancient language, just to savor the exquisite sounds.” — HE HAS AN ACCENT & he speaks MULTIPLE languages *Celaena agrees; swoon*

He bought her chocolate on her birthday🥹

SHE KISSED HIS CHEEK

He brushes her hair😭

He gives her a dagger; a sign of both respect & old fae heroics, but also trust not only from him to her & for her to feel safe with him. … It goes both ways.

He trusts her enough to give her the ability to kill him & burn the world knowing she will not; also trusting without doubt as he knows she is his carranam; and she can & will save them & the world… and she DOES. (She also just knows they are carranam too, she KNOWS)!

He does make the oath.

Gavriel knew Rowan would not want her hurt, he tries to save her for him & to save his friend (he knew); & when he cannot do that, he stops Rowan, because he knew he would die for her. Rowan screams for her, fights them for her, runs into war without a care, because it was her. And she faces the Valg, empowered to claim her title, terrified to let these people die, & unwilling to have him die; she would have died to save him too just the same, & she actually tries to.

They also fight for their lives knowing it is the others life as well (he felt her wound). Knowing what they have to lose & to live for. & still living beyond it. ‘He makes her want to live again. She makes him want to live again too.’

T H E N I G H T G O W N 👀 (even Lysandra knew lol😂 there is no casual way for Aelin & her to have had THAT “borrowing” conversation)😂

He knew who Sam was, he knew why she had that shirt, he knew why she went to the grave. He carried the pebbles too.

He outsmarted Arobynn. A little way, but he used the oil too, he didn’t let Arobynn have that over her. Just for her, to remind her, not because she needed it but because he needed her to know she was not alone. He challenged him. & also CHALLENGED😏 cause was I the only one who thought he gave some implication of how exactly the almond oil got onto both Aelin & him?🤣

He stands with her in the rain (I don’t care how the scene ended IT MEANT SOMETHING)!

Even Aedion knew not (for obvious reasons) including for the little ones; from the second it took to know why Aelin ran smiling “Rowan” or how Rowan held her🥹😊🥰 ‘looked at her the way she deserved to be seen’ THEY ALL SHIP IT

She let him use the expensive lavender soap😭

He understands✨fashion💖 (dragon dress 😉)

He’s happy when she finds a friend in Lysandra; never possessive (a common issue in this genre).

He loves Aedion FOR her (knowing what it meant to her) & becomes his brother (I mean it’s giving “call me brother-in-law” vibes😆)!

He helps her tell her story but always in her time.

She noticed the tiny tear in the cloak😅😭

They plot together… cause couples that plot together… stay together? *& on Lorcans list*😅

[halscafe]

spoilers for the most recent bastard warrior episode ahead! (read at your own risk)

this new episode of the bastard warrior really cemented the fact that the bastard warrior is my favourite audio/asmr rp series *ever.* it could quite honestly be a shakespearean story with how tragic it is. that, combined with the character development makes for such a sad and beautiful story to witness and experience. but seeing how both albus and devlin actually feel for one another with no filter or joke in between was so refreshing and just eye-opening and amazing to see (or hear).

you have albus york -- someone given the worst cards imaginable and who has every single right to resent devlin and his half-siblings. but despite it all, we learn that he actually cares for, and loves every single one of them. he wants to see them succeed, and will give himself the short end of the stick if thats what needs to be done. this includes pushing aside his feelings for faithful, because he doesn't believe he deserves her love, and would only make her life worse with him in it. so, he asks the person he knows could give her a better life, making sure that he would if he chose to do so. he asks devlin, who he has constantly teased for having a mini crush on her, to take up that mantle to watch over her when he can't.

and then you have devlin york, who has been probably taken advantage of his entire life. he admitted in this episode that all he craves for his friends, and the company of people who actually care about him. he pays the people around him to stay in his company, and to do what he needs them to do. we've seen him develop a relationship to faithful throughout this series, and attempt to confess said feelings in a couple episodes. and this episode, he does. but he doesn't ask faithful to stay with him. he asks her to stay with albus, because he knows that the two of them share a special connection that he can't break. he asks albus, who he initially could not stand and had every insult to throw. he's grown so much, and learned looked past the misconceptions he's been told about albus by the person he holds in such high regard.

character development is always an amazing thing to witness. like it can be as little as growing past a fear, or learning to overcome a once strong and life-debilitating fear. in the case of these two brothers, they've both undergone these amazing journeys these past 11 episodes, and it's been so great to watch. devlin york -- the man who has such a high respect for his father, chose to look past the facts he's been fed by him (and society) regarding his bastard half-brother. albus york -- someone who has been beaten down by life, and could quite honestly be a villian and have every right to be so. but he isn't. he continues to move forward by the love and care he has for devlin and faithful. the series isn't done yet and i'm sure the trio is going to go through more growth, but everything we've seen thus far has been such a pleasure to watch and i can't wait for the rest of the series <333

[subwaysurf45]

The Time of the Prey (Epilogue)

Summary: The younger sister of the most talked about princess in the kingdoms really can’t do much except smile and nod. When Natasha, your sister, finally goes to moves all of you to Shieldshire to marry her beloved Prince Steve you are left with your art, all alone. But one Knight took it upon himself to keep you company, and that company was all you needed to get through wedding season. Will that company last or will it be ripped away from the both of you? A war is starting and it seems targets are being made.

Pairing: Knight!Bucky x Princess!Reader

Words: 1k

Warnings: Fluffy fluff, wrapping everything up, Its over!!! :(

A/N: thank you so much for the constant love and support on this fic. I want to thank the people who waited an entire summer for this series, I hope it was worth the wait! I had so much writing for this AU and hope you enjoyed reading! I will be writing one shots and will be posting about sending requestions if you haven’t seen it already!!!

Series Masterlist      II      Series Playlist

SIX MONTHS LATER

In the depth of the winter you stood in front of you mirror, slightly tugging at your jacket to get it to sit just right. Your stomach was twisting and turning all morning, Bucky noticed how you couldn’t sit still during breakfast. It didn’t help that his feet gently brushed along your leg as you ate, his hand also holding yours whenever he didn’t need to cut his food. 

Beside you was a trunk, the same one you brought when you first arrived at Shieldshire. It was still scraped and dented around the edges but when you looked at those marks you remembered the journey, the love you created, and the moments you’ll remember forever; for better or for worse. 

Most handmaids would carry the trunk for you but you chose against that, handmaids weren’t as used in your castle than others you realized. You walked quickly around the small castle, making your way to the front gates and nodding to the guards as you passed by. Escorts weren’t your thing anymore unless it was Bucky walking beside you, and he was training young kids this morning. 

The small building off to the side of the castle had people of all ages walking in it, from the extremely poor to the Lords who lived within the castle. They all had their trunks clutched tightly in the cold weather, there was nothing warm about the Southlands. 

“Good morning,” you smiled as you walked in, seeing everyone setting up their stations. 

Everyone responded in their own manner, some looked up from their spots and others stayed quiet. You moved to the front of the room and faced everyone, setting down your trunk and opening it. 

Your easel and paint were quickly set up, people were blowing cold air on their complimentary warm lemon waters. You scanned the room and waited until everyone looked ready to begin, when most of them were ready you began to teach. 

“Today we are going to cover shadows,” your canvas faced the group of around fifteen, and using an inked quill you began to draw a circle, “we are going to draw our circle like so,” you faced the group and saw them all begin, “then we are going to choose where our light source is coming from, can someone tell me an example of a light source?” 

“The sun!” someone called from the back. 

“Wonderful,” you nodded with a smile, “another example is a candle, can you remember how the corner of the page closest to the candle or lantern is always the easit part to see?” people’s eyes lit up with understanding. In the beginning, it was hard to remember people of all different walks of life who joined your lessons to learn how to draw and paint. 

You had decided to start with quil and ink first before getting into paints because they were much harder for beginners to use, it also costed more to buy paint now because of the kingdoms coming back from the war. The Free Lands had faught against the Red River and combined the two kingdoms, now producing most of the realm's dye and fabrics. Lands disputes had fallen, the realm was healing but it came with a price. 

Not too long later the lesson was complete, people took their boards off of their easels and left the little space, making their way back to the castle or into the common wealth lands. People from Flea Bottom were slow to move back, you were in talks with your mother about cleaner water for drinking and bathing but it was a long and tiring process. 

Accepting you were an heir took a shorter time than expected, you were slowly falling in love with politics but those thoughts scared you. There was nothing you hated more than feeling as though no matter when you did you let some party down, not always helping everyone. Your mother helped you get through that easily, telling you stories of how she believe her ideas were for the greater good but ended up failing, blowing up right in her face. It didn’t ease your mind in the slightest but it was nice to know someone as perfect as your mother made mistakes. 

As you walked along the white fluff to head back to the castle, your feet trudged through the snow. The Northern Lands would go through a freezing over period which caused snow to grow to double the height of their houses, the Southlands got some but it only reached your ankle. 

You had talking a great a deal about staying put in the kingdom, part of you still wanted to visit the Free Lands just to see how their democracy was going. From word of mouth you heard it was smooth, no issues and laws were created faster. Part of you kept that in the back of your mind as you thought about your families line of succession - or lack thereof. 

You were dead set on not having kids, nothing was going to change that. No amount of royal duty could make you squeeze a child out of you, there was simply no world that would happen. Bucky was more than content with that, childbirth was a scary thing, if a mother had five children only two would make it to adulthood. You would always shiver at the numbers when it came to mother mortality, you were never going to take that risk. 

So, who would come after you? 

Democracy was coming and there was no way to stop it. 

“I honestly think you walking and thinking is the scariest thing in the world,” all of a sudden Bucky appeared in front of you, blocking you from walking into a wall, your nose almost smacking into the grey cinder blocks. “What is troubling you, my sweet?” 

You just smiled and shook your head, “Just royal stuff, succession and kingdoms and responsibility and-”

“You’re doing it again,” he commented, taking your hand in his and walking you to your shared room. You didn’t have to ask, he knew you needed a break. “You always do this,” as Bucky spoke to took a moment to admire him and much you missed seeing him in his royal clothes and not the ratty tunics, “you think and think and think, it never ends, you have to give that smart brain of your a day off- at least an hour!” Bucky laughed with you, squeezing your hand and leaning into you. 

“How was the training?” your hand pressed against your forehead, feeling how cold it was. 

“Cold,” Bucky laughed, “those boys don’t know anything about fighting in the snow, how much more they have to move and step, they’ll learn someday,” he shook his head, “do you want to get some soup and bread before we go to our room?” You nodded and Bucky found a handmaid, “would you mind grabbing those soup-bread-bowl-things?” the handmaid laughed, Bucky did as well, “do you know what I’m referring to?” 

“Of course,” she smiled and walked away, heading towards the kitchens. 

Once you reached your bedroom you took off the gloves and jacket you were wearing, also helping Bucky out of the beige padded tunic he wore when teaching the kids how to fight. You had asked again about the training, especially one kid Bucky had a liking towards. “I don’t think you understand how great he will be once he reaches my age, the kid is ten and six and can already flip as he fights,” Bucky laughed as he sat on the edge of the bed, “there’s a reason the young ones call him Hercules.” 

You laughed as well, going to the door and grabbing the two bowls which were actuall bread, “I still am fascinated by these things, truely, I must meet whoever made them,” you passed one to Bucky, flicking off the crumbs that immediately flaked onto his pants. 

You both ate side by side, brushing against eachother’s shoulders as you leaned in. for the majority of the time you ate in silence but it was comfortable, just enjoying one another company. 

After a while you felt the hair on the back on your neck stand up, freezing where you were and looked over to Bucky who was already staring at you, lost in thought. You giggled to try and break the tension, “what?” you leaned into him. 

“For the life of me I can’t understand,” he whispered, “here you sit: an heir to a massive kingdom and allies with another strong contender and you do nothing to get the revenge of the men that hurt you,” he sighed and bit into his bread. 

You looked forward with a sigh, “I honestly don’t know,” was all you could offer on the surface but the answer was right there, “it always comes back to my father,” you looked over at Bucky who grew remorseful, probably kicking himself for making you think about your father, “he was always violent and agressive and harsh,” your spoon collected the last bit of broth that hadn’t seeped into the bread, “I want to be the opposite of him, which meant I must stay composed, I can’t be violent - I have to use my brain, something he never did.” 

Bucky hummed, “that does make sense,” he spoke with a full mouth but used the back of his hand to cover as he spoke, “you’re always so detailed like that, I love it.” 

You laughed, “one of us needs to hold eachother back from doing the irrational,” you began to bite into your bread. Bucky just looked at you and shook his head, smiling to himself. “Stop doing that,” you laughed and placed your bread down, wrapping your arms around him and pushing him to fall back, making him scramble to put his bread bowl down as well. 

“What are you doing?” he laughed as you rolled on top of him, “this is my thing!” Your arms stayed wrapped around his neck and you laid your head on his chest, feeling him slowly wrap his arms around you. “How are your scars?” the question seemed to come out of no where but you could tell he was feeling them through the dress. 

They were completely healed and at no risk for infection but the skin still sat with a bump, causing jagged lines to be left for the rest of your life. In the beginning you thought Bucky would try to avoid them as much as possible but he didn’t, most of the time tracing them or sneaking a few kisses in when you slept with your back to him. 

“All good,” you whispered and closed your eyes, “that feels nice,” you sighed as he gently slid his fingertips against your back, he continued to do so. Your body began to feel heavier and sleep crept up on you, pulling you deeper and deeper. 

“You are one of the good ones on this planet,” you heard from above you right before sleep fully washed over.

Thanks for all the love and reading, if you enjoyed don’t be afraid to reblog!

- Rambo <3

Taglist: tag list: @maybeimart @imtherain @jackiehollanderr @redneckstrash @tylard-blog1 @readingbooksanddrinkingtea-blog @linzc-reader @honeybunchesofbucky @sky0405 @striving4averagegirl @seybox @yaszx @happyt0exist @munsonette @searchf0rtheskyline @aya-fay @emi11ie @prettywhenicry420 @theluvcafe @whatsmylaneagain @sparkletash @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @daydreaminglightly​ @desert-fern​ @wdyss​ @crazy4seb-chris​ @death-sonata​ @namelesssav

[destiny-smasher]

Stuff From 2023!

List of things of note I experienced in 2023! A few things didn't technically release in 2023, I'm sure, but yea. Will contain my 'Top 10 Games I Played in 2023' as well.

Firstly, something I played a lot of this year in bursts but doesn't quite crack my Top 10 is Vampire Survivors. Very addicting, did some very fun goofy shit that had me laughing and engaged in a lizard brain way. Appreciated the many Castlevania references and jokes, too.

A couple of games I played every weekend for a few hours across many weeks this year were Project Zomboid and Roots of Pacha, both in a group 4. We had lots of fun with those two, and I think they're both great co-op time-sink games. Zomboid is a zombie survival sim that has way more attention to detail than its graphics may imply. It's still in early access but the depth to its is honestly pretty dang impressive. Pacha iterates on the Stardew Valley formula in a ton of small but deliberate, thoughtful ways that make for a nice twist on that Harvest Moon style game.

REMAKES

There were so many great remakes this year, on top of just amazing games in general, I can't fit them all into my Top 10. So here's a segment dedicated to most of the remakes I loved this year.

The remake of Super Mario RPG was such a surprise, and turned out very damn well. That game, turns out, is very near and dear to my heart and I did not fully appreciate that until this remake was revealed. It comes just shy of cracking my Top 10 list and that's honestly only because I finished Mother 3 finally right at the tail end of the year. This game manages to still feel weirdly fresh even today just due to how fucking strange it is, and the remake speeds up the pacing a bit while also adding in some new mechanics and a chunk of new post-game content. Everything was handled so well. This is like the new gold standard of complete one-to-one remakes of sprite-based games imo. I will admit the artstyle is a bit 'off' in some ways but I think it's very clean looking and captures that 90's CGI spirit really well, all things considered. And the music, OOF, so damn good.

The remake of Dead Space I don't have much to talk about, but it's very well produced. It's remade so well, in fact, that it felt like my memories of the original, even though I know it's not an exact recreation. Very well done and still holds up as a great horror action game with these improvements.

The remaster of Metroid Prime is so impressive it feels like a remake, even if the game is identical to the original aside from presentation and some control changes. It's an iconic classic, and yet I have no patience to do the Chozo Artifact stuff, so I actually did not roll credits on this version BUT still thoroughly enjoyed reliving the game with a very nice new coat of paint. It makes me excited to see what Prime 4 will look like on, I expect, more powerful hardware.

SHOWS/MOVIES

The year started strong with a TV adaptation of The Last of Us. While I've come to have conflicted feelings with the franchise at large, mainly due to its leading boss man, I thoroughly enjoyed the first season of this series. Very well done adaptation that picked and chose what to keep and what to change and honestly makes for a better story as a whole if you ask me, while not really replacing the game's tactile interactive tensions. Cannot wait to see what they do with Part 2 tbqh. I loved that game more than the original but also felt it was worse as an overall game/experience/narrative. But a fresh take on that same plot could potentially address a lot of the issues I had with Part 2, while simultaneously not really 'replacing' it, either.

The Bear. If you haven't seen it, it's just. Very good television. Two seasons in and it's sitting up there chasing Mr. Robot and Better Call Saul as one of the best live action series I've ever seen. Season 2 did such a great job of giving us deeper dives on the various characters and building toward an organic and rewarding conclusion that still leaves room for another season to theoretically wrap things up. Nothing too crazy with this show, it's super down to earth, and it owns that very well with editing and pacing that varies per episode, kind of in line with the different character perspectives.

Super Mario Bros.: The Movie had me worried for a while, mainly due to the animation studio and casting. And while I'm still not 100% sold on this celebrity casting, I will admit it didn't weight the experience down -- even if it's still the second weakest element by far. The weakest element is the writing. It's not, like, offense -- it's loyal to the source material and works, it functions. But it's not doing anything beyond pushing us from set piece to set piece. If anything, the movie is a bit too short for all of the stuff it's cramming in. But on the upside, there is a lot of amazingly rendered visuals and music to take in. A real treat for fans of the franchise, and the most loyal gaming adaptation in movie form, I would say.

Across the Spiderverse is in essence the first half of a two part film. That makes it kind of difficult to talk about, especially when it's also a sequel, and the production sounds like it was marred with bad management and crunch. But the results they came up with actually met my hopes and expectations for a sequel, and that is saying something, as I had very high expectations. I completely adore this film's stupendous sense of style, editing, framing, writing, and the way it's making meta-commentary on multiple levels on top of just being an effective narrative on its own. This is animated storytelling running at full capacity in my opinion, and in general just film doing all of the kinds of things film can do. So it's no wonder that there's still a rub -- this is the first half of the story they planned. The editing, animation, framing, effects, acting, action sequences, music, writing, theming, just Farore's sake, this is SUCH a damn banger of a film and one of the best movies I've ever seen, which, again, is kind of insane given the circumstances. I can only hope they don't fuck up the conclusion.

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off was quite the surprise announcement, and as it turns out, quite the surprise adaptation. I won't spoil much but I will say that by the end of the first episode, it becomes very apparent that this series is no mere by-the-books adaptation, and does something unique and edifying, even if it still maintains a certain surface-level depth I wish the franchise would push beyond. Either way, I enjoyed it way more than I expected to going in, and I think it makes for a great companion to the rest of the series. The animation style was super fun, as well, with some great action sequences.

But Blue Eye Samurai sucker-punched me, having released before I'd even known about it. This show is something else, something unlike any other animated show I've seen besides Arcane. And it's not like it's mimicking Arcane, it's just the closest I can think to compare it to: a quality, thoughtfully framed, thoughtfully written, made-for-adults animated series. It tows the line between fantasy and realism in a refreshing way, its protagonist is great, its cast is compelling, its plot goes to some neat places, and things just feel very well thought-out and well-executed. Slap this in second place behind Arcane as the TV series I am the most excited to see more of in the future, just ahead of The Bear.

Something I did near the end of the year was watch The Hunger Games movies, back to back over the course of like, a week. Have not read the books but man, watching these sure made me interested in doing so at some point. I totally get why people were so enamored with this franchise, and honestly, I think its themes and messages are more relevant now than they were when this franchise was at the peak of its popularity. The films certainly have glaring issues for my tastes but yea, I managed to really enjoy them as a whole despite my lack of mainstream sensibilities. Looking forward to reading the books eventually.

Another thing my wife shared with me was 花ざかりの君たちへ (often called 'Hana-Kimi' for short). Specifically, the 2007 version, as, uh, apparently there are multiple adaptations of this. It was a live action Japanese drama about a high schooler who was born female but transfers into an all-boys school, identifying as a boy while she is there. There's more to it than that, and I won't say it handles everything the best (it's from the mid 2000's) or concludes things in quite the way I'd have preferred. Not to mention it's kind of weird seeing many tropes I'm used to seeing in anime rendered by physical, real actors. BUT it was overall a really sweet, adorable, funny, heartfelt, and reached for pro-queer expression in a time and place when that wasn't mainstream yet (and honestly kinda still isn't depending on who you ask).

Good Omens Season 3 also dropped this year. I actually don't have much to say partly because I think a big element of it is just not knowing what to expect going into it! But it was also very good, very fun, pretty damn gay, I really enjoyed it and am crossing my fingers hard they get to wrap it up the way they want.

All right! Onto my personal top 10 GOTYs.

TOP 11 GAMES

(I played and finished in 2023)

11) Mother 3

The one entry on this list that did not actually come out this year -- in fact, it's never technically released outside of Japan. Originally release in 2007 on the Game Boy Advance, this quirky RPG has developed quite the reputation. I started playing the fan translation back in like 2020, and only got around to finally finishing it this year. While that likely did tarnish the experience a bit for me, so does the final third or so -- it kind of drags on a bit, and any old school format RPG that requires grinding to progress can become a bit of a chore.

Thankfully, Mother 3 did earn its hallowed reputation in my eyes now that I have experienced it. I totally get the passion for this game now, and I am a convert. It makes me want to finally finish Mother 2, aka Earthbound. But here's the biggest thing about Mother 3 I weirdly did not expect going in, yet smashed my face in like a hammer by the time I finished it:

without Mother 3, there is no way Undertale/deltarune would exist.

The DNA for Toby Fox's works is achingly obvious in its relation to this game, specifically. I won't spoil anything and I won't go into my long list of evidence like an Ace Attorney case, but trust me, there is ample evidence to make this claim.

And that also means that Mother 3 stands on its own merits as doing things that RPGs just plain were not doing in 2007, and in some ways still aren't today. Aside from some pacing issues further in, the characters in your party aren't as developed as much as I'd like. BUT the overall narrative it tells, especially in those opening chapters, have a rare kind of earnest, human magic to them that most games just don't let themselves fall into. And it concludes in ways I did not expect and yet offered clarity as to why it is so beloved, and how Toby Fox was so inspired to put his own mark on the gaming landscape.

I owe a great deal to Undertale, personally, and as such, I also owe a great deal to Mother 3. You don't need to have played others in the series to enjoy it, you'll just be missing some referential stuff here and there. It's quite playable and unique by today's standards and I strongly recommend it if you want an RPG that is heartfelt, funny, fun mechanically, and has some simple but hard-hitting things to say about the world we live in, and what we are doing to ourselves and that world.

10) Super Mario Bros. Wonder

What can be said that hasn't been said already? Nintendo knocked it out the park with this one. This was everything I've wanted in a 2D Mario for like 15 years. The only thing 'missing' from it is playable Rosalina, but hey, we finally got Daisy in a mainline Mario game, so I'll take it. After a decade or so of dragging their feet with low-effort but enjoyable 2D games, Super Mario Wonder finally, at long last, captures what makes Nintendo games great and with their best foot forward. They haven't done 2D Mario this well since World on the SNES in 1991. And they have never put this level of production into a 2D game since... ever?

This is one of the all-time best 2D platformers out there, and for once it finally feels like 2D Mario is running on all cylinders as a big budget passion project kind of game. You love to see it.

9) Scarlet Hollow

This game isn't technically finished yet, as it is episodic, and its developers wanted to release Slay the Princess in the interim, but that doesn't stop its quality from being good enough to make my list. This game is doing the kinds of things visual novels should be doing, the kinds of things I wish to do in a sense with my own visual novel development.

It's a horror themed experience but balances the high tension with actual real stakes very well against mostly down-to-earth conversations, with lots of great tricks and touches of presentation you don't typically see in indie visual novels, along with a fantastic art style, charming characters (my favorite character has turned out to be the one I immediately disliked at first, and that's rare for me), and meaningful choices.

I can't wait to see how this one wraps up but even as it stands it's one of the best things I experienced in 2023.

8) Xenoblade Chronicles: Future Redeemed

I will admit I skipped Xenoblade Chronicles 2 after giving it an honest go in like, 2019 or so. A few hours in and i couldn't stomach it, the tonal whiplash from Xenoblade 1 (one of the best RPGs I've ever played) was too much for me. But then Xenoblade 3 came out last year, and is also one of the best RPGs I've ever played, even better than the original for my tastes.

But I wasn't prepared for the DLC to drop a whole ass side-game on us, a self-contained prequel to 3 that serves as narrative cohesion to tie the whole trilogy together with a bow on top, complete with perfectly tuned fanservice (and not the sexy kind, although grown-up Rex and Shulk, well, yes) that really respects its fanbase for investing hundreds of hours in this franchise.

Matthew is easily one of my all-time fav RPG main characters, probably the favorite RPG main character when I think of it (as main characters specifically go, anyway), and his game is a fraction of the length of many RPGs out there. But as usual, the entire cast had their charms, the story was nicely paced, the gameplay and overall length was just about damn perfect for what I could want from the genre.

As an expansion to a pre-existing game, this is one of the top 3 best expansions/DLCs I've ever played. When taken as a side story to an overarching trilogy, I'm not even 100% in on the lore and I still enjoyed the hell out of it, it's just the kind of thing that hits a tone of 'damn, video games are a fucking unique medium that we can do specific narrative things with across years of telling a story.'

I don't know where Monolith Soft is going next, though the ending certainly offers some intriguing teasing, but I suspect I will be there day one to see it, and am looking forward to it.

7) Pikmin 4

Given the long wait (10 years!) one might understand fan concern over the state of Pikmin 4. Turns out, that extra time was spent making this game fucking good. It's not the largest, most impressive, most complex, most inspiring, most 'anything' game I played this year, and yet I can't help saying that this is a damned good video game. It really nailed what it set out to do as a sequel, incorporating just the right ideas to spice up the formula while bringing things back to how Pikmin 2 was, and improving on the series in basically every way -- including stuff to do!

This is easily the most Pikmin game... in a Pikmin game. I still haven't 100%'d it. Without giving away any details, I'll just say that when a game rolls credits and you're only like, halfway through its content, and it just keeps going, that's just kind of wild. It would've felt like a great game even then, but the breadth and depth it ends up going to in order to keep giving you ways to engage with its wonderfully detailed world and addictive mechanics, I love it.

I just want more of it. Give me DLC with more Dandori content, the formula and feel just works so well at this point.

6) Sea of Stars

How the hell I forgot to include this one on my list initially is boggling. Easily one of the best indie games I've ever experienced. The writing is nothing to, well, write home about, but it's not bad. And in fact the story has a lot of great things going on, from an interesting world to a very potent arc with the leading support character (who, let's face it, is kind of more the main character than your two main characters).

The game's art and music are phenomenal, capturing the essence of 90's era RPGs but clearly doing things not capable back then. Made even sweeter, the game is a prequel to the studio's prior work, The Messenger, which I also played and adored in tandem, kind of going back and forth between the two once I was partway into Sea of Stars. The way this RPG repurposes songs from Messenger as well as all kinds of seemingly superfluous elements but makes it feel cohesive is pretty great.

The game also trims a lot of the fat you'd find in older RPGs, as well as lets you customize your experience in a modern way using collectibles you can toggle on and off to grant all kinds of effects, like increasing or decreasing the difficulty in various ways.

The homage paid to classics like Chrono Trigger and Super Mario RPG is clear but it's not at all copy-cat-ing, instead wearing those inspirations proudly on its sleeves and forging its own path with its own ideas. A fantastic collection of party members, a wonderful world, amazing presentation, and environments and pacing that help it stand apart from the genre that inspired it. I wish we got to know the leads better, there is a lack of character growth in many ways, but that's me grasping at straws to critique, it's just a fantastic experience and the studio should be very proud of what they've accomplished.

5) Hi-Fi Rush

This is gonna be a running trend from here on out, but on any other year, Hi-Fi Rush would've been my GOTY, easy. From this point on, we're talking measures of inches rather than miles in terms of my love for these games.

Hi-Fi Rush finally delivered on something I have waited like 20 years for: a rhythm action adventure where playing the game in sync with the music felt fucking cool and gave me emotional resonance in a way only this medium can. The humor was charmng. The visual aesthetic is almost peak 'my taste.' The music was groovy with a few tracks I did not see coming but loved seeing how they were incorporated. The story was surprisingly fun! The characters were fantastic, I loved the entire main crew in a way I rarely ever do and would jump at the chance to spend more time with (and hey, there's a whole bunch of post-game I have yet to do, so I intend to in 2024).

The only real thing I could reasonably ask for from this game is a way to play as those other party members in post-game content or new-game plus or something. And who knows, maybe we get that some day. Even if we don't, what they came up with here is the next best thing besides. And what we got is one the most video-gamey video games I have ever played, a real classic and one I think will go down as one of my all-time favs. A passion project given meaningful time, budget, and creatives to bring it to life.

Had this game offered multiple playable characters, a bit more development in its story, and maybe a stronger climax, it'd be higher. I still love it to death and want more games like it regardless.

Hi-Fi Rush is exactly what kind of game we could have gotten more of if the Internet hadn't pushed gaming into a 'live service' direction. It is literally the spirit of a PS2/GameCube game given modern form. And either way, we did get it, at least, in that form, and it fucking rocks.

4) Resident Evil 4 (Remake)

This year was big for remakes and remasters, but one stands tall above the rest, if you ask me. The original RE4 has stood as my fav in the franchise, the one that got me into the franchise, the one that got me into M-rated games in the first place. Lots of nostalgia, but it's held up surprisingly well over the years despite some limitations of the time (mainly the controls) and some older-fashioned sensibilities ("with ballistics, too~").

But Capcom fucking nailed it with this reimagining. Like Final Fantasy VII: Remake, this game is not a remaster, or a one-to-one recreation. It is a brand new game, built from the ground up, reimagining the original entirely, complete with new mechanics and story. But unlike with FF7, this is also shockingly authentic and loyal to the original at the same time. It remixes elements from the original game, maintains most of the original's map design, adds in new stuff, removes some of the more goofy shit -- and even 90% of what feels 'removed' is revealed to be repurposed for the Ada side story DLC.

It looks great, it sounds great, the adjustments to characters and story are improvements across the board, (except for Hunnigan, RIP) the gameplay is improved in intensity and feel and action and replayability. And yet despite all of this, it balances that campy tone of the original just enough to still evoke what I loved about the original's tone. And it doesn't outright replace the original game, either. The two are now like different recipes of the same sandwich or something. There's reasons to revisit the original, though for me this has now replaced the remake of RE2 as my fav in the franchise.

I really don't know where they go from here but I will look forward to it, and regardless, they fucking nailed this one.

3) Street Fighter 6

Two Capcom games, back-to-back? They had a fucking good year in my eyes. The interesting thing about this particular entry is that unlike the others on this list, I will be continuing to play this one for hours and hours into 2024, especially with more fighters still planned. And in another year, this would've easily been my GOTY.

After all, Street Fighter 6 is the single-best traditional fighting game I think I've ever played. And while fighting games are my overall personal favorite genre, I'm more of a Smash player who also loves the hell out of Street Fighter and then dabbles in Tekken and whatever else releases. Street Fighter has always been one of my go-to top multiplayer games since I got into the franchise with SF4 in 2010. While I did enjoy SF5 well enough, it just didn't keep me hungry to come back for more like 4 did. SF6 has fixed that problem by way of a multitude of changes.

It has easily the most fun single player mode I've seen any fighting game have. Like, yea, The Subspace Emmisary (and even then, I don't love that mode like other folks do, I kinda think it's... fine?) but tbqh World Tour is just better in most every way. You get to build your own fighter, earn and mix and match different costumes and individual character special moves with each fighter's fight style. You get to just hang out with the SF characters, get to know them as people, their hobbies, their fears, their insecurities, their passions besides just beating the shit out of each other. On top of this, the realistic art style shift (a by-product of the RE Engine) seals the deal on what Street Fighter 6 is aiming to do: humanize its cast.

Is it still wacky as fuck? Is it still comical and weird and goofy? Hell yes, it is. Is the story mode deep in its narrative? Not in the slightest. But it's still stepping confidently in a direction fighting games should be trying to, not being too self-serious, but also being earnest.

And I haven't even touched on the mechanics! The Drive System alone is a brilliant addition that adds a sort of 'stamina' system that works so well to add an extra layer of decision making and tension. The game's not perfectly balance imo but for how much is here it is surprisingly damn well balanced, especially given they have insisted on not pushing out a single balance patch since it launched in June. For most any other competitive game, that would be like suicide for the scene, but the game seems to be thriving and selling extremely well for the franchise. And it's earned it.

I will absolutely be continuing my warrior's journey into 2024 and I can't wait to see what else Capcom has in store for this game.

2) Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Out of every game I played in 2023, Tears of the Kingdom is easily the most technically impressive. From a design standpoint, from a 'how in the hell is the Switch doing all of this without exploding' standpoint. From a 'holy hell how is there this much stuff in a single player game' standpoint. From a 'oh my goddesses that stupid batshit idea I had 100% worked because it actually did make sense' standpoint.

Where Breath of the Wild opened our minds as to what an open world game could be -- fully designed like one giant interconnected 'level' -- Tears of the Kingdom replied in much the way I expected: it pulled a Super Mario Galaxy 2. What I mean by that is that this is a direct sequel, building directly off the foundation of the original. You know. Like video game sequels almost always used to. And which many very successful ones still absolutely do.

But Tears of the Kingdom somehow managed to wow me all over again by adding to that open world's verticality in insane ways -- the Depths alone are probably my favorite 'mechanic' from any Zelda game ever besides the time loop of Majora's Mask (and what that did for the story and gameplay). But beyond the scale of the world basically doubling and then some (floating islands and caves on top of Depths), I was curious how this game could stand tall after Elden Ring, which is easily in my top 10 favorite games of all time at this point. Elden Ring was Fromsoft's reply to BOTW. And yet Tears of the Kingdom still managed to have something new to say in spite of that very strong reply.

Tears of the Kingdom opened the door to let players essentially create their own mechanics. By removing the abilities Link had to engage with the world before, and replacing them with a brand new toolset that includes abilities you just... don't see games give you, because they'd be 'overpowered,' TOTK designs its massive world in ways that invite you to use those 'overpowered' abilities however you see fit.

Being able to interact with the world and objects in this way, being able to fuse them together to create all kinds of effects, or new methods of transportation, even interacting with things not just spacially but in respect to time, it's nuts and fun and I've already poured like 130 hours with still so much I haven't done. And that's the thing: this game wasn't designed to be 100%'d. It was designed to just... be experienced, as much or as little as you want. And games on this level of scale/budget just do not have the guts to let so, so much 'content' be missed out on. And this game does.

It's a technical achievement and while I had my doubts with how strangely little Nintendo had to show, I am very glad that the experience itself manages to breathe new life into one of my all-time favorite games while improving on it in so many ways. It won't convert you if you didn't love the original -- this is a Super Mario Galaxy 2 style sequel, after all. But it's essentially replaced the original in ways I didn't think would be possible.

The story? Oof. Uh, not so much the story, let's ignore that part. That's what Nintendo wants you to usually do, anyway. But everything else, just. Din-damn.

It expands upon the first game's already fairly open-ended nature in an exponential way that I suspect developers will spend years to come trying to pin down, much like how they've spend the past 6 or 7 years trying to replicate BOTW's open world design.

For much of this year, I thought this was personal GOTY. And for many it will be, because it's just an extremely impressive video game.

Number 1...?

Going into this list, I kept telling myself, 'man, on any other year, this would be my GOTY. And if you know me personally you likely have already figured out what my GOTY is by omission. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized just how close these top 5 games are, it really is like centimeters instead of inches, and they each -- well, every game I've mentioned here, beyond the Top 10, as well -- offered something edifying that I was very satisfied with.

And no, it's not Baldur's Gate 3. While I have spent hours playing it in co-op and a little bit solo, that game's just not really for me, exactly. Like, I can enjoy it, and I have massive respect for the dev team and what they accomplished with it. But I don't much care for D&D, and the game just didn't do very much for me personally, I lack the motivation to finish it. Remove Karlach from the game and I have next to nothing to really attach myself to, personally. I definitely get why it's many people's favorite game of 2023, though, and I do think it's a bit of a wakeup call for what can be accomplished by just making a GAME instead of struggling to contort it into a service etc.

Street Fighter 6 is fucking fantastic but it could still use some more actual fighters and incentives to keep playing besides monetizing its players in weird ways. I love it, and it will be the game from 2023 I end up playing the most (it already is, I think). But if it ended as it is, I would be very satisfied.

Hi-Fi Rush is oozing with originality and style and I adore it to death, and when I finished it, I was very satisfied.

Resident Evil 4 kept me addicted for over 100 hours, had an amazing DLC expansion, oozes replaybility in the specific ways I like for a single player action game (rogue-likes besides). I am extremely satisfied by it.

Tears of the Kingdom is so massive and fun to just explore that I know I will continue to play more in the months to come. Will I ever revisit it entirely? I'm actually not sure! That massive length does lend some repetition, even if it's the kind I find therapeutic and satisfying.

And that's what made me realize something. My personal GOTY did not just satisfy me. It made me hungry. It filled me up in a way I didn't think was possible and yet I still hunger for more, because I enjoyed it that fucking much. I played through it twice and still hunger for more. I know I will play it a third time eventually, but mainly I just have not been to remove from my brain the particular ways it made me feel, ways that only a video game can. Nothing about it felt like it needed to be overlooked.

SF6 and RE4 had dubious monetization, TOTK had a story I found to be like 90% boring and it still maintains many of the flaws of the original. And Hi-Fi Rush, while amazing, just didn't scratch the particular itch this game did for me.

1) Lies of P

If you told me that Lies of P was a game developed by some sub-division of FromSoft, I'd believe you. Which is to say I would also believe that it was made by people who wanted to break free from some of the shackles of the now infamous 'soulslike' genre.

A narrative that actually makes sense by the end? Opening up options for the player without requiring specific stat levels? Encounters and boss fights that feel ravenously challenging without just feeling like cheap bullshit? Music that crosses borders beyond 'angry chorus, angrier orchestra'?

Lies of P doesn't quite eclipse Elden Ring, but that's an absolutely unfair comparison given the utter scope and scale and variety that game packs. But Lies of P improves at the FromSoft formula in specific ways, while making concessions in others, and as a result it's just an experience that seeped into my brain like no other game this year, not even Tears of the Kingdom, despite that I put half the hours into this one.

I love all of the games I have mentioned here, you could honestly swap around the order of this top 5 and I could mentally meander a way to justify why, no, actually, this one was my favorite game of 2023. In a year so awful for the people who make games, yet so amazing for games themselves, Lies of P is exactly the kind of game I needed. I needed someone to show me that you can make something directly inspired by someone else's work, yet fine tune it in all the right ways to make it stand just as tall in terms of quality and design. Lies of P made me feel things in ways only a handful of games ever do -- and I would actually count Hi-Fi Rush among those in a regard.

But Lies of P also told a story I found compelling. It had mystery, tension, buildup, it started off seeming like it would do the vague FromSoft schtick only to 100% come together, make sense, be rewarding, and offer a 'true ending' that I got on the first playthrough, organically, without looking things up, because it just... felt right. Not only is the game adapting FromSoft's formula into something its own, it's also doing that with the story of Pinocchio. The gameplay and the story congeal together not in the 'perfect' way that it does with games like Celeste or Undertale, but rather in a more... messy way, like a puppet aching to become a real boy.

The game is full of loss, in its world and for you as the player, who will die many times. But unlike much of FromSoft's catalogue, I never once felt like I died because of bullshit. Was I trolled? Sure, the game definitely 'trolls' you in classic FromSoft fashion, lulling you into a sense of security only to sweep you off your feet. But unlike how FromSoft does it, these circumstances can always be avoided if you're cautious. And if you're not? Hey, 'We got you! We gooottt youuu, haha' and you lose a couple minutes of progress, rather than like fifteen minutes and also an entire level's worth of souls because oh right, this section you just got through is kind of bullshit cheap.

Don't get me wrong, I love Dark Souls. But the thing is, Lies of P takes the parts I love about Dark Souls, admits it can't pull off quite the intricate web of level design, but then throws away everything I do not like about Dark Souls, improves on the things I already liked, and then pushes me to meet it on its level.

The satisfaction of being a boss you spend an hour, two hours on, cannot be understated. It's a feeling unlike any other, and one only this medium can provide. And Lies of P kept me motivated, like Sekiro before it, to keep improving, keep growing, keep trying. And unlike Sekiro, it gave me so many more tools to play with, to learn, to balance in an arsenal with intent. Enemies have elemental weaknesses if I so choose to exploit them, the moveset of one weapon's handle can be applied to a completely different blade, my robotic arm can leverage things in a pinch, or be the backbone to dealing with a boss. Mastery is rewarded with practice. A vicious boss that annihilates you in five seconds can be defeated without a single scratch if you practice enough. Mastery, creativity, quick thinking, and reacting are all rewarded here.

I am more than the hands pulling the strings, I am more than a puppet, I am human. And games like this can only be made by humans, who get that specific itch that only video games that challenge us can scratch. It's not an itch everyone has, but that's why it's my GOTY and not yours, innit?

With its unique setting, its wonderful music, its cozy hub area, its narrative that offers just enough to make me care, but not so much that I am bored or feel misled, its amazing boss designs, and its wonderfully tactile and engaging combat, Lies of P is a game I just can't stop feeling something about whenever I am reminded of it.

It epitomizes so much -- not all, but much -- of what I love about what video games can do, what adaptations can do, and much like how Toby Fox was inspired by Mother 3, what people can do when they are inspired by someone else's work.

As far as I can tell, this is developer Round8's debut game, and just. Holy hell, what a way to come out swinging. I haven't seen a debut game hit this hard since, I don't know, Bastion.

Close your eyes. Come to me. Feel all right.

I did, and I do, and given what you teased at the end of this game, I have extremely high hopes of what you come up with next. And in a landscape where things feel more difficult to get excited for with each passing year, much less new IP, it's so damn refreshing to have both Hi-Fi Rush and this game standing out as signals that, hey, some folks are still willing to invest bigger budgets into new games, new ideas.

Again, a battle of centimeters here and at this point I should wrap this up and go to bed.

But yea, Lies of P reminded me of what makes me, specifically, human, in a very particular way that only it has. And I honestly think out of all of single player games of 2023, I think it will actively stand out in my heart the most in the years to come.

[mistlestripe]

read wings of fire book #10 (spoilers)

so mad. idk how controversial that this is but this book was terrible and probably the worst of the SERIES so far lmao. everyone was so bad but especially the moon/qibli/winter trio. they were all terrible in this book and i feel so bad for winter. I loved moon in the first book and she was like one of my top 2 second arc protag faves but she's dropped down to the bottom of the group because of how obnoxious she acts in this book...qibli too kind of sucks but like he doesnt do anything annoying (or when he does it makes sense cause he values moon over winter.) he just never gets to obtain a win that isnt weak and overall lacks much weight behind it. everything he does moves on very quickly and it feels like the book just "waits a few seconds before showing what he does to artificially cause suspense". like I would have appreciated him denying animus magic more if he didnt react to the offer the same way he reacted to cobra tricking him (acting hopeful to the prospect only to reveal hes gonna say no at the last second as though that WASNT the obviously correct answer)

and like i probably do have some bias because winter is definitely higher than qibli for me in terms of characters but like I dont even have an issue with the fact that moon chose qibli over him, but its just the fact that the narrative needs to go out of its way to characterize winter as extremely unreliable and untrustworthy JUST to make qibli seem better. Winter is rash and irrational so I get it to a CERTAIN extent but the book acts like he is incappable of making correct decisions to the point his own friends don't trust him enough to tell him what happened to darkstalker (which i know they were like "we trust you to be there for us. not to do the right thing." WHICH IS BS AND RUDE ASF BRAH HIS BOOK WAS LITERALLY ABOUT HIM BECOMING OPEN MINDED LMFAO i feel like he'd be pissed but like with how much he hates magic he'd probably eventually comprehend it as deserved. Maybe if they said something like "its for the best you dont know" then THAT would make sense because they want peacemaker to have his own chance at life but like their reasoning is so dumb and it just makes me feel bad for winter and think that he deserves better friends who actually value him and the things he cares about. I wouldnt mind if moon chose qibli of her own volition because i DO like the subversion of winter seeming more like a love interest in the beginning (only for qibli to become the "true" love interest for her by the end) BUT i cant even trust moons agency and it feels entirely circumstansial because of how much the book went out of its way to make winter unlikable and the obvious "worse option" than qibli who acts perfect to her the entire book comparatively. it just feels like they did not give winter a chance at ALL and it even goes on to act like he NEVER had a chance with moon being like "i want someone nice to me who make me laugh." Their relationship in general is so bland and neither of their personalities are utilized to make a fun dynamic so it just feels like theyre both sanitized when theyre togehter. I think moon x qibli has a lot of potential to be interesting and cool and in concept/without context i dont mind the ship but they just dont utilize any of it at all in the book and it feels extremely unearned and obvious by the end.

[ao3feed-jaytim]

For Better or Worse Feels like Worse

read it on the AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/48935593 by BeautyInTheLibrary “I now pronounce you husband and husband.” Alfred said cheekily. “You may now kiss the groom.” “No.” The pair spoke in unison, their heads snapping to glare at Alfred who only chuckled. “That’s too bad.” Alfred pretended to lament, glancing between them with a knowing look that got each of them to look away from the man, not noticing the other doing the same. “I want a divorce.” Tim muttered. “If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee.” Jason sneered at the comment. “If you were my husband,” Tim looked Jason dead in the eyes. “I’d drink it.” “It’s a good thing you’re going to marriage counseling, good heavens.” Alfred said with a shake of his head. Words: 1753, Chapters: 1/3, Language: English Series: Part 12 of JayTim Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Red Robin (Comics), Batman and Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics), Red Hood: Lost Days, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: M/M Characters: Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, Jonathan Samuel Kent, Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth Relationships: Tim Drake/Jason Todd, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne Additional Tags: prompt request, Gift Fic, Enemies to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fake Marriage, TimJay - Freeform, Getting Together, Humor, Romance, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Mutal Pining, but they are both idiots about it, Idiots in Love, Alfred knows everything read it on the AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/48935593

[selenestarmoon]

Eren and Cinder: Slaves of Freedom

Many people hate Eren and Cinder to the point that they consider them bad characters and it's one thing to dislike a character and another to be badly written and to be fair, Eren and Cinder aren't bad characters. You might dislike them, very much actually, but one thing doesn't take away the other, they're both well written and I'm writing this because I don't want people to think they're bad characters just because they don't like them.

They both share a strong desire for freedom and in this post I'm going to explore their desire for freedom, why they became obsessed with being free as well as other things they share:

Eren and Cinder suffered since they were children due to situations that were beyond their control. Eren witnessed the destruction of his home and the death of his mother Carla as well as being turned into a titan by his father Grisha and later on he would suffer a series of betrayals and find out that everything bad that happened to him was the product of a war that he did not even know existed and Cinder was mistreated on the farm where she was sheltered until Madame adopted her but this mistreatment went from bad to worse, then Rhodes gives her hope of being free as a huntress but she could not bear the abuse and she kills her abusers and then fights Rhodes and kills him.

Both situations are quite different but the effect it caused on both is practically the same: they hate themselves for their impotence and want to be free because they want to have control of their lives, give meaning to all pain they went through and believe that power and violence is the only thing that can give them what they want. Eren and Cinder are victims of a system bigger than them that failed them and they choose to destroy it but at the cost of being left alone in a toxic and self-destructive cycle.

Basically, this is how they want to be seen by others (powerful and untouchable)

because this is what they really are (pathetic and unsure of themselves)

and they know it better than anyone and they hate themselves for it. They're irrational, immature, angry, cowardly in many ways, yet also a frightened children deep down.

Their desire to be free through violence, to have power, and to have a narrative they're in control of has caused them to enter a self-destructive spiral and ironically they become slaves to their desire for freedom to the point that they lose sight of what that they really want (to be loved) and cut off the few positive relationships they have left, taking them away from what they really want.

Cinder only gets close to others for her own benefit and while she projects onto Emerald and Mercury and feels some affection for them, in the end she chooses to abuse and manipulate them and despite Eren genuinely loving his friends but in turn abusing them, he hits them and forces them to do things they don't want to do, Cinder and Eren both share a main flaw when it comes to their relationships and that is that they're afraid of loving other people, afraid of showing vulnerability, they don't trust others because they don't want to be hurt again. Their relationships are selfish love because they are based on how they feel without taking into account the feelings of others. This is so to the point that they also affect people with whom they have no close relationship because they steal agency because they have been deprived of it.

If you notice, Eren and Cinder seek to have a narrative like the trope of the chosen one: one person is a failure and having a series of horrible things happen to them only to realize that they were special for being the chosen one all along but to Eren and Cinder's disgrace they're not chosen but are a deconstruction of this trope.

Eren experienced a series of misfortunes and betrayals, he receives a power that shortens his life expectancy to 13 years and on top of that the whole world wants to destroy his home because of a war that he didn't know existed but wants to believe that he is the chosen one who was destined to activate the Rumbling and that there was no other solution to save his island. On the other hand, Cinder was abused her entire life and felt betrayed by the father figure who inspired her until Salem arrives and grants her the ability to be a Maiden (which is quite a dangerous position since many seek her power either through the power itself, the relics, or both) being left in an abusive situation with her and Cinder chooses to believe that she was meant to be the one chosen to have the Maiden's Powers.

They seek to be special because they hate themselves and they want power because they want control of their lives. They would rather be monsters that everyone fears

than admit that they're just traumatized and wounded children.

After all, what kind of person wanted to become a monster anyway?

A person pathetically unable to feel good as a human being.

We see that this deconstructed trope, far from being something good and rewarding, is actually dehumanizing. Eren knows that his mother's death was circumstantial but chooses to believe that he caused it and planned it only to feel like he was in control and Cinder chooses to believe that her role as Maiden is her destiny and that she destroyed the kingdom she hated to feel that it was by her own choice when actually everything was planned and decided by Salem.

Eren and Cinder are fascinating because of how contradictory they are, they want to be free but at the same time they want to adjust to a narrative where everything is decided for them. They both think that way because they believe that freedom consists of doing what they want without consequences, but what they don't know about freedom is this:

Here Ezio is explaining the meaning of "everything is permitted" from the assassins creed which is basically the meaning of having freedom. Freedom consists of making choices and taking responsibility for the consequences of those choices, but Eren and Cinder don't make their own decisions and when they do they don't want to take responsibility for them. They want the feeling of power and control that comes with choice, but they don't want the responsibility for it.

Eren knows about the world situation regarding Paradis and he wanted to protect his friends and home but deep down he just wanted revenge against the world and the system that hurt him. He didn't want the world to be destroyed but he wanted to be the one to make that choice.

Cinder knows about the situation of the world of Remnant with the classism and discrimination that she and many others suffered and decided to perpetuate the cycle because she wanted revenge against a system that failed her. She doesn't care about the state of the world but she wanted to be important and Cinder, like Eren, is going to make a choice about the world but in turn she has the opportunity to make a different choice than Eren.

In a sense, Eren represents what could happen to Cinder if she doesn't realize her way of thinking that she has to be the chosen one to prove her worth as a person and not acknowledge her pain and the pain she caused others will get her nowhere. She needs to realize that she doesn't need to prove her worth but to acknowledge that she is already valuable and special just by existing, which Eren failed to do. Eren was called to realize it by his friends but he failed because he prioritize his self-loathing and anger against the world while Cinder will be called (possibly by Emerald and Mercury) to realize this and she will listen.

While Eren condemns himself by wanting to continue with his flaw (being afraid to love others, wanting to feel better about himself by hurting others and being special because his childish delusions of grandeur and his inability to let go of his childish feelings of entitlement) and not being able to grow, Cinder will grow as a person and overcome these same flaws. Both are very related to the final destiny of the world, except that Eren ultimately chooses to destroy his while Cinder ultimately will chooses to save it. Eren's choice was selfish and Cinder's will be selfless. Eren chooses to die because he cannot deal with the responsibility of his choice while Cinder will choose to die to save the world and will hold on to her final choice even knowing the consequences of taking it.

Eren died as a slave to his need to seek freedom and to feel better about himself in a chosen narrative but Cinder will die truly free for the first time in her life by recognizing what she really wants (to be loved, make her own choices and hold on to them with all the responsibility that entails).

[nimuetheseawitch]

BJ looked startled at his own hand, which was now on Hawkeye's thigh, keeping him in the cot. "Hawkeye, this may be the last chance we have!"

"Last chance for what, BJ?"

Making a frustrated noise, BJ's other hand came up and pulled him in, and just like that, BJ Hunnicutt is kissing him. And he can't help it, he's kissing him back. When his brain turns back on, he pulls back suddenly and almost falls off of BJ's lap his lap! How did I -? But BJ's hands at his hips stabilize him.

"You're married!"

BJ's shoulders slump, "I know."

"What are you thinking?" Hawkeye tries to climb out of BJ's lap and ends up as far away from BJ on the cot as he can get with his knees pulled up in front of him and BJ looking dejected and sadly at him from not nearly far enough away. But he's reached the walls of the tent, and there isn't any farther for him to run in this direction. "Do you know how much time and effort and restraint I've put into saving your marriage for the last two years? It's the only thing keeping you sane!"

"I know, Hawkeye. I know this can't go anywhere. I know you're going to go back to Crabapple Cove and learn how to be a small-town doctor and take care of your dad, and you'll never leave Maine. And I'll never leave Erin, which means I need to stay in California and make things work with Peg. And neither of us can risk the repercussions of a blue discharge or a civilian arrest. I know this is an ending and not the start of something, and I wish maybe we could've started something sooner, but I want to know. I want to know what I'm missing."

for the dvd commentary meme

This passage that you chose is the heart of this fic ('Cause I will miss you) and the series that it started. It's got the seeds of everything: BJ being shit at communicating and wanting what he thinks is impossible, Hawkeye putting in a lot of effort to make sure BJ is okay, Hawkeye's relationship to space and how he interacts with the Swamp/any space he's in ever (now that I'm thinking about it, I may have to write a lot about how the Swamp is practically a character in the show and how Hawkeye interacts with his surroundings and climbs the furniture and how the walls of the tent are flimsy and ineffectual barriers while at the same time).

The idea for this fic came from two main sources: wanting BJ to have the absolute worst timing and listening to Tegan and Sara's album Hey I'm Just Like You over and over while deep in the MASH brain rot. Specifically, the song Keep Them Close 'Cause They Will Fuck You Too. I was going to pull out some specific lyrics, but it's a lot of them, so I'll just put them all under the cut for reference. But the important one for this fic is "the problem with starting halfway through," which became the series title. It became this thought that I couldn't get rid of that if BJ and Hawkeye ever tried anything, they'd start out in the middle of a relationship, and it's even worse if they do it just as everything is ending.

I love the two of them being a hot mess who don't know how to function outside of their enforced proximity. And I think that "last chance" sex is both a wonderful and terrible concept. BJ may think that knowing what he's missing will make things bearable, but that's just really stupid.

Keep Them Close 'Cause They Will Fuck You Too by Tegan and Sara

The problem with starting halfway through Is that you don't understand and that, that gets to you Don't need to hear your voice to know you're outside looking in Don't need to see your face, I know you're inside out again Keep them close 'cause they will fuck you too I will keep you close I got nothing better to do Better to do 'Cause I will miss you And without you, I will never be whole (never, never, never) I'll never be full again I'm missing you like I used to Like I still do Sitting here tonight, I'm thinking those simple thoughts Hoping that you're happy now, happy with what ya got Keep them close 'cause they will fuck you too I will keep you close I got nothing better to do Better to do 'Cause I will miss you And without you, I will never be whole (never, never, never) I will never be full again I'm missing you like I used to Like I still do Wise up, fuck up, know that I'll never lie to you I won't lie to you Wise up, fuck up, know that I'll never lie to you You knew all along Keep them close 'cause they will fuck you too I will keep you close I got nothing better to do (got nothing) Better to do (got nothing) I'm missing you I'm still missing you I'm missing you I'm still missing you I'm missing you (got nothing) I'm still missing you (got nothing) I'm missing you I'm still missing you