#i like the OT im making rn
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the way the canucks pulled that out tonight? absolutely unreal
#i love Jimothy Timothy#im not working for game 6 cause im away but i'll be watching#they better pull this off omg#i like the OT im making rn
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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i havent been to the gym since i moved out & i wanna get active again but fr -_- i feel like everything is too much faff, too expensive or something that will bore me to tearssssss
#egg.txt#i was like ok before i go sign up to a new place i'll do the chloe ting workouts just to get a routine back in#my god . i have never wanted to sob more from just being so understimulated in my life#but theyre all the SAAAAAME. IM GOING TOKILLMYSELFFFFF.#and the stupid music makes me want to put knives in my fucking ears#i'd gym again but i just couldnt keep waking up at 5am i wasnt getting sleep & half the time i wasnt even able to get a good work out in#like it would be 30mins max of actual exercise and then like#+ so much more time just getting there and it was wrecking everything else in my schedule#it sounds so dumb but even shit like having to drop my bagg off & pick it up every day meant i had to get later buses (& more)#and it would mean just losing hours in total at that point. for what. for a 30 min workout. when i wasnt making any progress with anyway bc#i was getting no sleep? 😭#i wanted ot try running outside again but ugh not to be a baby but people have been harassing me in the street so much more again and i jus#cant fucking do it broooo#and im too shy for most classes . the other stuff is crazy expensive . im going to start gnawing on something for real#i was thinking abt bouldering but it looks so crazy fucking expensive#its rlly a shame bc i did rlly start to get into running too. i could get a treadmill but idek where to put it rn and it feels crazy#to get one when i dont even have a couch... ehrm
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Fml. I have mental illnesses for real fhat arent just garden variety anxiety and depression <- sorry it turned into a vent/rant in the tags. The perilous poster
#THIS IS NOTHING IM FINE !!!#i just had to remember earlier that sometimes i dont get to be myself#and i drove through my ahit moms town for no reason#and we got a kitten and of course i feel like the only one reasonably concerned#so idk if my concerns are valid or if im overreacting and i dont know how much of my worry is justified#what if im just being a party pooper?#ANDDDD on top of that i dont know where the kitten is rn. and its fine. ots fine#but my mind keeps flashing me images of him stuck somewhere or hurt or somethinf#and i was supposed to be watching him but i left to make food#but my family keeps going 'oh lets do a small trip' so i dont add anything to the list#and then they get a bunch of bs and i dont get any food#WE DONT NEED COSMIC BROWNIES MAN I NEED TO EAT A REAL MEAL THAT MAKES ME FULL PLEASE GOD#and our older cat hates the kitten and im worried the stress is gonna kill him because hes fucking 19#agghh aaghhhhhhh and i cant keep up with everyone and im overwhelmed and i think im just like#upset because i havnt had real food but fuck man idk what to do about that#i coukd bike down to the store and get a sandwich#but my stupid brain keeps going 'if you leave the kitten will die and its your fault'#even though thats not fuckong correct#and i just. aaghhh. aaghhhhhh#and im overheatinf rn but i cant go to my room bc aforementioned kitten desth prophecies#and i. just. aaghhhh ghhhhrrhhhh ghrrrr#im fine im fine i just need to complain i need to be a bitch#ANDDD im tired cause i coulsnt sleep which isng helping#god ive been having a bunch of panic attacks lately too i stopped having them so much after quitting school
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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Okay, but do you have thoughts on th DLC having an extra karaoke song basically getting paywalled? Honestly, I'm otherwise pretty chill about the idea of Majima-themed pirate game, but that's the one thing that makes me go 🤨🤨🤨
ive always been Eh about dlc: i definitely dont prefer it to be a standard and i do prefer it if EVERYTHING is available at launch or in-game somehow. im chill with dlc if it's something major like the kaito files: something big that clearly had a lot of time put into it, but not big enough that it can be its own thing. alternatively, i dont mind super small non consequential dlc like extra material for ishin either: you can still get those items in-game, it's just that buying them in advanced makes a process go faster. i think my only major gripe is costume dlc like i wanna make my chara look silly .... cmon now ...
specifically in regards to karaoke, it doesnt bother me too much. it'd be nice to play the song, but i also only really do the karaoke minigames once or twice just to get a perfect streak, then im done. especially when rgg's karaoke songs- while fun- arent super challenging enough for me to wanna replay multiple times. with that in mind, i would have preferred it to be in the base game, and that DOES irk me a bit, but it's not going to totally sour my mood acknowledging it
if this were a rhythm game at its core and was more complex and difficult, then id be fine with a song being dlc since i know the gameplay would be worth replaying multiple times and i wouldnt feel like i just paid for a one-or-two-time thing. but rgg's karaoke generally doesnt provide the challenge i think warrants paying for an extra song
in my opinion.
#snap chats#am i making sense. im not im supposed ot be taking notes rn vjAELKAJ#like i was happy to get the dlc songs for P4D since i love that game and ive replayed miku's Heaven and The Fog. MANY times#i got full value out of those esp when they were only like $6 each. theyre my favorite maps in the game too#esp with rgg's karaoke the cinematics for the karaoke dont even last the whole song#so i cant even say you can watch a cool three-some-minute amv for the price#i didnt think i had so many thoughts about karaoke dlc but here we are ... oops ...
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learned how to make onigiri and ong its so fucking good MAN its so delicious
#im making noodle & tuna ones rn ((ive eaten some on friday yesterday and today too ot was like 1kg of sticky rice in 3 days))#((but granted i shared some with friends too so idk!))#as proximas tags sao dedicadas aos de verdade#se vcs quiserem fazer onigiri eu tenho tipo. algumas dicas e conselhos aq pra comprar as paradas#(levamdo em consideração que eu moro em capital ent tem loja especifica pra essas coisas e os preços são mais caros)#o arroz oriental da qualita que eu comprei em um supermercado normal naql pedaço que tem algumas coisinhas diferentes foi beeeem mais barato#doq o que eu comprei num mercado oriental mais especifico (a diferença foi de tipo. 13 reais pra um kg de arroz)#(o da qualita tava uns R$10.32 pra um kg q não é mto insano pra um arroz diferente!!)#o nori eu so achei no mercado especifico mas eu comi um sem a alga e ainda é bem gostoso#(faz uma diferença um pouco grande ent se isso te incomoda se pa é melhor vc procurar uma receita que nao precise necessariamente do nori#(tipo o bibimbap coreano que é bem parecido cm um poke. vale a pena pesquisar e vc ainda pode usar o atum enlatado nele !!)#pro recheio eu fiz alguns de kimchi que a minha irma comprou ((e nao comeu.....)) mas comparados aos de atum cm maionese eu n achei mto bom#o recheio eu fiz cm atum enlatado ao natural cm maionese helmans#nao importa muito qual maionese vc usa eu acho e o atum pode ser oq vc gosta ou tem em casa msm#eu tive q comprar pq a minha mãe n come carne sbdbajsb#ent onigiri é realmente um bolinho de arroz asiatico com um recheio de atum cm maionese#eu nao sei como seria a situação wm uma cidade menor ou mais pro inteiror (lembrando eu moro em capital e sou meio burguês) mas#se vc quiser mto fazer ir atras do arroz nos mercados e tal vale a pena#lembrando tb que eu nao sou nem asiatico nem descendente de asiatico eu so fiz a minha pesquisa e adaptei um pouco a#receita pra nao gastar 100 reais em bolinhos#é isso gente 😁 desculpa se eu fui meio cego a situação fora de capital eu genuinamente tentei nao ser babaca (se eu fui pode me falar)#bjos bjos adeus#talk
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you know, i REALLY want to start working on a giant crochet blanket, but i'm afraid i'll lose interest in the two months it'll take me to do it 😭😭😭 and also blanket yarn is RIDICULOUSLY expensive !!!! WHY.
#its like shockingly expensive !!!#if i need like 35 squares for a pattern and a skein thats $14 makes me 2 or MAYBE 3 squares????#im gonna bankrupt myself smfh.#i have a thousand creative projects to work on rn but fuck ot#it*#i think ill do it! crochet blankets are sooooo cozy. and not to be morbid but. theyre a really nice sentimental thing#and I'd love to leave behind something like a blanket. something that makes you cozy and happy and safe#ANYWAY time to break the bank !!!#chatter
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kurgerburger... nutrience....
#u can get half fries half onion rings now did u guys knwo that#help why did my phone try to suggest ''indica'' when i was trying to type onion#im a shriveled husk of a person rn. do u know how much overtime ive been doing lately......#i ahvent even been getting ot pay for all of it bc ive been making up unpaid time im so dying#but like i have been getting SOME ot pay at least .#anyway i didnt get burger bc i dont like burger but i got chicken fries.
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#im so sick of feeling fucking stupid at my job because no one knows what the fuck they are doing i want to quit#im three seconds from ignoring this shit until its not my problem of quiting i don't get paid to problem solve like this#this is shit that should have been done and actually fucking tested months ago#not while its happening live i fucking hate this company i fucking this industry its all predatory and run off of greed i feel like im a#contributing factor while also not being laid enough to problem solve this fucking shig#i fucking hate everything rn and especially my lead who makes me look like the brain dead person of the office bitch i do not care about#any of this shit and im tired of putting in OT and shit is still fucked BECAUSE NO ONE HAS A GOD DAMN CLUE HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS
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Sorry for RBing post about Palestine on my fandom blog, I wasn't originally gonna post about it but after seeing a pair of blogs RB about exclusively from the pov of Zionists it fell wrong for me to not at least Get SOME information about it in here.
#ill tag with '' current events '' when im home because im on my phone rn#this ot vaguing anyone here [THAT I KNOW OF]#but still. i wantrd yo make it clear.#i know most people dont like politics on fandom blohs but whatever. im not a thing for you to just consume. read it or not do whatever.
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it's fat tboy season fuckers I just dropped 50 bucks i dont have on shorts because all the ones I own aren't sexy enough
#mud rambles#or they dont fit to be fucking honest#my fat ass and waist are too fuckin pwoerful for normal people clothers#hopefully these fit nice it's from a shop i used before that fit nice os! hopes r up#i also got a gay little shirt ot match one of da shorts#i should not be allwoed to buy theings on 2 hours of slefep#got 3 pairs of dolphin shorts#2 are like.ly gonna be a lill tight but that's the point#becasue shorts made for fat people aren't made the same#they always make them more modest than their straight sized counterparts#which is fukcing bullshit#i wann ashow some ass too dog#like they're not even made to like. fit better or anything they just fukcin gmake it with more matierial relative to the skinny clothes bc#god forbit fat people show skin#it's especially evident with the fukcing waistband#i wish all shops that make fat people clothes high waisted by defualt without even labelling the;m as high waisted a very die#a very die i will fuking kill you myself#i like high wasited shit but to fucking make shit like that default??? why the fukc do i have to hide my stomach just bc im fat fuc you#jesus christ i need to sleep these typos arent even intentional#im typing super slow rn to not make a hundred typos GOD
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yeah imma have to do something
#the moment i heard my dad say he might try to do a retail job on the weekends just ot make ends meet#when he already does back breaking physical labor im like#nooo the hell ur not#sooo im having to ocnsider somethings#im alrady doing discounted comms for the first week of march#so i either need to try to push comms more or see if my old job wouldnt mind me working 2 shifts a week since#the money is good there#I know im vague af for irl things but shits tough rn
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My right thumb fuckin hurts tonight. As do my wrists. Both hands have weird numb patches across them. I've got spasms and twitching happening and no grip strength.
#I wanted to draw tonight and instead I spent a few hours looking up various thumb and wrist braces#i have like...5 gift exchange pieces i need to be drawing rn#i have holiday candy i need to make which requires i have the ability to stir and mix and shit which I don't have rn#i know the pain and numbness flare up in my hands rn is linked to my current stress levels but knowing doesn't help#thinking i need to go shove my hands under ice cold tap water for a minute and then slather them in CBD balm#except im pretty sure that'll cause a raynaud's flare up tonight too and I really dont need that on top of everything else rn#guess I'll try popping some ibuprofen instead and hope my gut doesn't hate me tomorrow#shouldn't have cancelled my OT appointment yesterday fuckin hell#wondering if it'd be worth it to try some kinesiology tape....#fox thoughts#fox isn't doing well
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there’s no way to express that people keep randomly reaching out to me to talk daily and at length and keep pushing for my space in my life and i really don’t need or more importantly WANT that politely there’s no good way to say that politely
#personal#it just sounds awful! and it makes me feel kinda bad!!!#but people keep like contacting me and just#i’m responding but not reciprocating? if that makes sense? and they’re not doing anything bad by trying to make new connections#and if i really don’t enjoy talking to someone i should just tell them#but it’s not even that i don’t like these people or talking it’s just the frequency and again no good way to say#hey! i’m not really open to expanding our relationship rn. ur fine i like you fine but im dealing with a lot and dont need anything new in#my life in the moment. like no good way to say#and also i hate the ball being put in my court. you came to me. i wasn’t seeking anything i was just here#and then with several of these relationships from their end they want to vent or talk about something that needs real consideration#like art criticism or saying what i like or again venting and other stuff#and it’s like man i am. drinking heavily. i’m having breakdowns bc im not sure my mom is gaslighting me on purpose#i have a full#time job i routinely do OT for and a million other things#i don’t want to be anyone’s rock rn#at least not anyone who’s not a close friend or family#cause if it was any of my besties asking hey can you come to my house so i’m not alone :(#i’m on my way that’s barley anything#girl from high school i had one class with who i have never hung out with uh. no#i don’t want to go to ur house after a 12 hour shift#and there’s a very mean question of like. do you have friends ur closer wirh?#not even judging just like we are not close. do you have closer friends?#and then it’s hard to do replies bc like how are you graham ! how’s life!#i don’t feel comfortable telling you the intimacies of my life and struggles rn#but i can’t give the basic good and you bc you are actively asking for more than that#so i have to think of an appropriate response ask you back and now it’s a vent session about ur life#and then so much is put on you for something you didn’t ask for#like this girl replied to my insta story like can we play iphone games again :(#as much love as i can muster we are grown adults i was just at work. just send the game!!!#i know i’m the weird one here it’s just. a lot of people want relationships with me and i’m tired and don’t need or want more at the moment
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feelign really useless adn horrible today yay
#batsi speaks#batsi sad hours#i want ot jsut disappear rn im gonna be fr#i cant get anything done no matter how hard i try adn each reminder feels like a roadblock lately#not to metnion i keep screwing up lately#it jst kidna makes me feel like i deserve every bad thing happening to me which ik is not even remotely healthy but fuck man i cant stop#i really should just bottle stuff up more honestly its really not good for anyone not even myself when i actually speak my mind
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