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hannieehaee · 1 year ago

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18+ / mdi

content: toxicbf!seungcheol, more like possessivebf!seungcheol honestly, he's kinda a dick but not THAT much, jealousy, possessive behavior, afab reader, reader mentioned to be shorter than him, smut, penetrative sex, public sex, oral (m receiving), etc.

wc: 2201

a/n: tysm to the person who requested this <3 i didn't make him super toxic but more possessive and annoying.

masterlist

"shit, baby. you look so good. any plans tonight?" seungcheol hugged you from behind as you stared into the mirror, doing the finishing touches on your hair.

'"what do you mean if i have plans? we're going out. to the monthly meeting with the guys, remember? seokmin's girlfriend said she's coming too"

"hmm? since when? wait, hold on. you're wearing that to dinner with the boys?"

you groaned against him, "you literally just said i looked good. what's the problem?", you already kind of had an idea, but wanted to confirm for some dumb reason.

"yeah, that's when i thought you were going out with the girls or something. do you have to dress like this when you hang out with the guys?"

you knew cheol was a bit on the ... possessive side. he would sometimes be a little too jealous when it came to you being around the guys too much (around any guy, really). despite always confirming to him that you would never look at any of them as more than friends, he would still keep his guard up. it was endearing at times, seeing as it was usually just lighthearted jealousy, but he was doing a really good job at pissing you off right now.

you turned around, now facing him directly, "what's that supposed to mean?"

"baby, cmon! they're guys! and you're ... well, you're you!"

"did you want me to repeat myself or are you actually gonna explain what that's supposed to mean now?"

"listen. you're so beautiful. i had no chance at resisting you when we first met. imagine if i'd met you while you were wearing a tiny little black dress. i would've lost my mind. they're men, baby. they're weak-minded. i dont wanna let them even see you like this." despite the stupid neanderthal logic he was feeding you with, his reasoning gave you a slight ego-boost, dissipating your annoyance a bit.

you approached him, grabbing onto the collar of his shirt as you adjusted his tie - today's theme for the monthly meeting had been strictly formal, courtesy of a hong jisoo – and stared into his eyes, flirtatious smile gracing your lips.

"cheollie ... the dress code's formal. and i know how strict you guys are about that. if you can wear those stupid leather pants on stage while performing for carats, – who, by the way, do wanna fuck you – i can wear a tiny little dress around my very platonic friends."

you were pretty sure seungcheol had tuned you out already, at least judging from how distracted his hands had become now that they were kneading your ass under the short skirt of the dress. in any other circumstances you would've entertained him, maybe even let him fuck you before leaving home, but you weren't about to reward his stupid comments from earlier with sex. separating yourself from him, you chided at him, telling him to get ready, because you'd be leaving together; with no need to change your clothes.

upon arriving to the restaurant of choice - an entirely rented out luxury restaurant joshua had seemingly been eyeing for a while - you and a sulky seungcheol (he had brought up the dress issue again in the car) quickly spotted a table full of people. it was all twelve members of seventeen, plus joshua's and seokmin's girlfriends, who would also be making their debut appearance at the monthly dinner. as expected, the boys were all wearing suit and tie, while the girls had dresses on. you had to admit, maybe yours was a bit more provocative, but you felt comfortable since you would only be around close friends.

the moment they spotted you walking in, jeonghan took the liberty of standing up, looking you up and down before smirking and giving you a quick hug, even going as far as pulling out a chair for you to sit. you appreciated the gesture, taking a seat and thanking him, completely ignoring seungcheol's annoyed grumble along the lines of 'i'm supposed to do that'.

the dinner went pretty okay after that, with one or two complimentary comments directed at your apparel. you'd also noticed a few of the boys staring a bit more than usual, but you'd dressed up, after all, so it wasn't very surprising to you. seungcheol, on the other hand, grew more and more annoyed every time a member directed themselves to you, even if it was with innocent intentions. he had built an idea in his head that everyone mustve wanted you the way that he wanted you. it also didn't help that you were sitting right by jeonghan and mingyu, members who were renown for being a bit flirtier than the rest. you knew it was just in their nature, and completely meaningless when directed towards you, but you could feel your boyfriend's fumes increase next to you as the night went on.

after a while seungcheol had begun to speak over you, acting as if you couldn't respond or interact with his members on your own. he was beginning to show his annoyingly possessive side, acting overly overprotective over you, almost as if you were a prize to keep under lock and key.

there were only a few instances in which he did this. he could sometimes act like a dick about it, wanting to show the rest of the guys how you were his and no one else's

then came what broke the camel's back. yoon jeonghan must've sensed some tension in seuncheol's behavior, adding two and two and figuring out that his possessive friend must've been feeling some type of way at any attention headed your way. so, he decided to have fun with it, amping up his flirting.

"shit, have i told you how beautiful you look tonight?," he smirked, eyeing his friend a bit as he complimented you.

"yeah, but maybe don't say that to my girlfriend, yeah?", interjected your stupid boyfriend, hand on your thigh as he attempted to show possession over you.

you ignored him, "oh, thanks hannie. you look really handsome too."

he puffed, as if out of breath, also ignoring cheol's comment, "no, but really. that dress is ... man, all i know is if i were seungcheol we wouldn't have even left the house tonight," the smirk wouldn't leave his face, knowing he was poking a bear.

those two simple comments were enough to get seungcheol to snap, loudly getting up and interrupting any other conversation going on at the table. without any other word, he completely ignored any questioning stares or inquiring comments and grabbed your hand, dragging you from your own chair and pulling you away from the room and into a more secluded area of the almost-empty restaurant.

"seungcheol what the hell are you doing?!"

he turned to you, now letting go of the hand he'd been pulling, "i told you not to wear that around them! do you think i enjoyed that?!"

"it's just jeonghan, cheol! he doesn't mean anything by it. he was just trying to tease you."

"i dont care about that! you're mine. you're not supposed to show yourself off like this to other men!" the fact he didn't see issue with what he was saying was peeving you off, making you scoff at him before he continued.

"you're mine, okay? and you responding to han's flirting is not helping me get that point across to them."

"you-"

"no, let me finish," he moved closer to you the more he spoke, eventually having you pinned against the wall of the restaurant, looking down on you, "i won't have any of them even think they have a chance with you. no one does. you're mine. is that understood?" by now his lips were just a hair away from your ear, heavy breath fanning against you as his hands slid onto your waist, pulling you against him, dick already semi-hard under his slacks.

you hated the way he was talking to you. kind of. an embarrassing part of yourself was keening on his possessiveness, enjoying how he felt as if he had to stake claim over you. as if even one look from another man had him having to show the world you were his and his alone.

when he unglued his lips from your ear and went back to staring down at you, eyes flicking down to your lips, neither of you could help yourselves anymore. you might've kissed him first, but it was probably him who crashed his lips into you first, almost swallowing you whole as he attacked you by shoving his tongue in your mouth.

he became intense with his movements pretty quickly, unbuttoning his pants with one hand while the other harshly felt you up. he disconnected his hand from you for a moment in order to pull down his pants and knead at his cock for a few moments, getting himself ready for you.

he disconnected your lips, chuckling at the way yours chased after his, "get on your knees."

with zero type of dignity, you got on your knees with no question, beginning to slide your hand up and down his dick before wrapping your mouth around his tip and sucking, giving him eyes as you did so.

he groaned at the sight, but quickly recovered, barking out a command for you to be a well-behaved girl and take it all in your mouth. you followed instruction pretty quickly, loving the weight of his cock in your mouth.

"that's it ... knew you could be a good girl after all."

"fuck ... that mouth is all mine, right baby? only for me to choke on my cock .."

"take it deeper, i know you can. trained that pretty mouth to take me."

his words were getting you wetter by the second, moaning mindlessly against his dick as he began to thrust into your mouth, groaning out even more expletives.

he suddenly pulled you away without allowing you to suck him into completion, once more slamming your back against the wall and shoving his tongue in your mouth. you both groaned at the feeling of his taste in your tongue, eventually making the kiss become a mess of wet tongues just licking at one another while he ground his hard dick against you.

you cried against him after a while of dry humping, feeling the heat of his cock so close to where you wanted him, but your mind being too empty for you to even beg for him to put it inside you.

he pulled away, "are you gonna be good and let me have that pretty pussy? my pretty pussy?"

all you could do was nod and whine against him as he pulled your panties aside, only having to lift your dress a tiny bit to give him room to enter your warm walls. you both sighed out in pleasure the moment he entered you, with cheol quickly finding a rhythm that had you throwing your head back against the wall, not caring for any pain you felt at the impact.

"you're mine. do you understand that? no one else can have you. can't even look at you. tell me you understand." he paused for a moment, smirking as he knew you had no way to respond with the pace in which he was slamming himself against you, "what? no answer? baby, what'd i tell you about being a good girl?" he was mocking you now, relishing on the effect he had on you.

"c-cheollie ... y-yours! just yours! won't ev-ever look their way again. pro- ah! promise!" you did the best you could to muster out an answer, being too high on pleasure from the way his cock was repeatedly hitting against you, impaling you completely.

your emotions were already very heightened, causing the two of you to be quick to reach your ends.

"gonna fill you up, okay baby? and you're gonna keep it all in, or else imma have to take you home and do it all over again, yeah?" he groaned out, knowing he was about to blow his load any second now.

"y-yes! fill me up, please!"

a few thrusts later and he was burying his head in the crook of your neck, groaning out at the feeling of your walls tightening against him as you came.

you attempted to catch your breath as seungcheol used his fingers to push in any cum that exited your hole, moving your panties back into place to try and retain the most he could. with no warning, he shoved those same fingers in your mouth, making you suck his essence from them as he groaned at the sight.

"c'mon," he gave you no time to catch your breath or recover before dragging you by the hand once more, walking back to the table to pick up your coats.

"i'm taking her home now. yoon jeonghan, i'll deal with you later," and with that he dragged you away, making no effort to hide your disheveled state as you limped behind him, beyond embarrassed all your friends knew what you and your boyfriend had been up to.

if cheol had wanted to make a public service announcement about how much you were his, he had achieved it.

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aresonist · 3 months ago

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hi hope you don’t mind the question but how do you draw heads? i can never get them so diverse and that makes me same face syndrome really annoying but you draw heads and faces so well!!!!

Hi!! no worries i dont mind!! some question abt how i tend to sketch stuff out is here! the style i draw in changed a good bit since then but the technique is basically the same.

this is kinda a hard thing for me to explain in a way that makes full sense to anyone but me

but if u mean headshapes, bc my style is very simple and very stylized i honestly just tend to assign some peeps i draw shapes based on their features? i tend to round up the face if i feel it looks softer or sharpen it up if its more square ish or well sharper

im not exactly sure how to explain it but its kinda like this

and i dont know if you mean faces as well but it also kinda applies to jsut the headshapes but having an idea of how the person looks like also helps, i personally tend to base my drawings on what i remember being the most prominent features and tend to focus on that with maybe some reference help if i feel like it (listen im a hobbist i can allow myself this privellage of not caring)

here its the damn eyebags and his face being more on the softer side

and if i dont have a reference pic i sometimes jsut like to imagine what the prominent features should be like the nose, eye shape, wrinkles, or mentioned earlier shape of the head

also worst thing ill ever say but i do gotta admit sometimes jsut doing random studies of faces does also help a good bit with noticing features which is a shame cause i wish i had everything in my head since birth really

so sorry if this is all jsut useless ramble but like i said i do genuienly dont know how to properlly explain all of this in a way that makes sense to anyone that is not me, i do hope it helped a bit tho

#asks #my art #how it's made

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st4rgzer · 1 year ago

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Can you write a about the reader loving Matt sm but knowing he doesn’t like her back. Liek don’t have a super happy ending but also don’t have a super sad one. Do it inspired by me and …

UNREQUITED (matt sturniolo)

summary: the reader experiences some unresponsive feelings from a special someone

genre: angst

cw: taylor swift references maybe…? Is that a warning? Other than that I really don’t think theres much

a/n: as always, @iha8you ‘s request, ly, also dw you’ll get him🙏

This winter had been hell for me, it was always my favorite holiday, the cool air, snow, when it rained and I got to stay home playing boardgames with my mum, or I finally got to read that book that had been collecting dust on my shelf for ages now that it was dark and rainy. No, none of it this year. Every time I hung out with him I held my breath, in fear I’ll do something wrong, take too much space, become too much of a liability. Its stupid, just stupid, I’m his best friend, known him since i was 16 years old, but he seemed so much more older, and wiser.I belittle myself next to him, instead of just letting go, I take a mental note of every little gesture he does that correlates in any way to me, every choice of words, I save them to then divulge them later. It’s draining, not knowing if its just all in your head. If you’ve got it wrong…

“y/n? Hellooo, are you there” i snapped out of my meditative state.I was cross legged on my bedroom floor with two of my closest friends, I didnt even remember what we were talking about anymore.

“yeah sorry i was just distracted” I sighed tying my hair back into a low ponytail and resting my hands on my knees

“we were talking about Matt? Y’know you actually have a chance with him, did you see the way he talked to you earlier?” My friends were only feeding into my delusions, the other nodded in agreement. Even if he did actually see me like that, i dont know what i would do, we’ve been friends since highschool, everything would just be too weird and messy, it wouldn’t be right, no, not with me, not with him.

“No, guys, stop, you’re all just talking nonsense and it just makes everything worse” I groaned, placing my head between my hands.

“C’mon, who could ever leave you?” She says giggling, looking over at my other friend, it wasn’t funny, not in that moment at least. I felt despaired, I know it’s obvious I like him, maybe no one actually takes it seriously when i throw in some extra compliments once in a while of some flirty remarks, but I never try to hide it, except the real thing of course. I know my love should be celebrated, I shouldn’t settle for someone who just tolerates it, but I keep going back to the same thing, always, no matter how many people I see, no matter how many excuses I make to not hang out, its like a moth to a flame, I know im bound to get burnt, trust me. My friends keep convincing me, I feel petty having to listen to them try and make me feel better. Sometimes I come close to actually getting serious then I just think its a waste of time, he just always assumes im fine when my eye contact becomes non existent and my words get mixed up, I dont think he notices it at least, I dont think he ever notices. I guess this means im just doomed, It doesn’t matter how many times my friends reassure me, how many “glances” i pick up from him, Im never going to be one of his main concerns, unrequited. Im always just dimly lit, just enough. I should start trying to accept, settle, “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”.

a/n: this is kind of sht i wrote this at 1:00am, I’ll write more with requests🙏😊😊

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo x reader #sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo image #matt sturniolo angst

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skrs-cats · 1 year ago

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Loved mudclaws manga his interactions with clanmates and family members were so nice to see vs him in the main arc books we never got any of that just him being antagonistic oh man good luck it took me months to get through all the earlier books, i started at tpb and then went chronologically according to the events timeline on the wiki, it was fun but so time consuming, seeing snippets of the new books makes me feel like im missing out i wanna KNOW but i dont want to spoil myself too much se or novella set during pot3 when please erins i am BEGGING the only thing other than the arc books to happen during pot3 was a graystripe manga YEA i had to look on the wiki to find that i havent read all the bonus scenes i dont have the versions of the books with them and i forget to look them up most of the time lol, glad they stopped making them theyre a pain to find, i know it makes sense for jay and lion to not be as close anymore especially with lion having a family of his own but it bothered me that all these med cats who didnt even seem to like jay that much were the ones to help him, we didnt even get to see him tell lion about it </4 lion would have wanted to know about holly sometimes it feels like the authors dont like the characters 😭

i remember SPEEDING thru the books once i got my grubby lil hands on the pdfs, idk how long they all took to read but i think reading them so fast just made it all the more easy for me to muddle up details hkjhdskjfha if i ever get around to a reread i might just take my time on it. ALSO I FEEL YOU LOL. sometimes i go thru the wc tag and seeing people talk abt the new books gives me the same feelings HAJHAHA i just power thru it by drawing my po3 bastards (surprisingly effective) and go on w my day

as someone who's freshest memory of the recent arcs were snippets of the sibs Bonding and Caring for one another I REFUSEEE TO BELIEVE THAT JAY AND LION ARE NOT CLOSE ANYMORE IM DYING ON HIS HILL. the erins constantly play w my feelings like sometimes theyd drop these awfully sweet scenes of the two being affectionate w one another but then the bonus scene drops and im like... did u forget about lionblaze. wheres my MAN ToT i will also confess that my somewhat recent rediscovery of the bonus scene actually pushed me to make a comic where lion talks to leaf in starclan out of SPITE. but im working on it lol. IF THE ERINS WONT DO IT THEN I WILL

#ask #art

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spncupcake · 2 years ago

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186 writing prompts //

I found this post earlier last year. OP deleted the post, but I had saved this. These are NOT my ideas - credits to OP.

Angst:

1. " Give me a chance. "

2. " Not you again.."

3. " Leave me alone."

4. " I don't love you anymore. "

5. "Why do you hate me? "

6. " Host the baby. "

7. " I thought you loved me. "

8. " I don't need you anymore."

9. " I can't believe you! '

10. " We cant keep this up forever. "

11. " You're a monster. "

12. " I hate you. "

13. " Don't leave me...

14. " You're a disappointment. "

15. " Don't die on me - Please."

16. " I never meant to hurt you. "

17. " Are you upset with me? "

18. " I wish i'd never met you. "

19. "I'm going to kill you! "

20. " Please don't hurt me like this."

21. ”Thanks for nothing. "

22. " Dont call this number again. "

23. " Why did you spare me? '

24. " You need to leave. "

25. " I'm sick. "

26. " I'm dying."

27. " I wish i'd never met you."

28. " I thought we were family!"

29. " There was never an us."

30. " So that's it? It's over? "

31. " I fucked up."

32. " I came to say goodbye. "

33. He's dead because of you. "

34. " I don't deserve to be loved. "

35. " About the baby... Its yours.

Love:

36. " I'm so in love with you. "

37. " Dance with me! "

38. " Isn't this amazing? "

39. " I wish we could stay like this forever. "

40. " Will you marry me? "

41. " I'm pregnant."

42. " I need a hug. "

43. " You're special to me. "

44. " I'm going to keep you safe. "

45. " Do you trust me? "

46. " Can I kiss you right now? "

47. " You're cute when you're angry. "

48. " I've liked you for awhile now. "

49. ~ Lets have a baby."

50. " We'd make such a cute couple."

51. " I want to take care of you. "

52. " Can we cuddle? "

53. " It's lonely here without you."

54. " I can't stand the thought of loosing you. "

55. " Shut up and kiss me already."

56. " Are you flirting with me? "

57. " Is that my shirt? "

58. " How did we get here? "

59. " You own my heart. "

60. " You'd be a great dad. "

61. " You'd be a great mom."

62. " I want to protect you. "

63. "Whats the matter? "

64. " You're so beautiful. "

65. " Did you do something different with your hair?”

66. " Is that a new perfume? "

67. " Stop being so cute. "

68. " You're making me blush! "

69. " You're teasing me again..."

70. " This is why I fell in love with you. "

71. " You're the best! "

72. " They're going to love you, don't worry! "

73. " Oh, Are you ticklish? "

74. " Of course I remembered! "

75. " You're one hell of a girl. "

76. " You're one hell of a guy. "

77. " Are you jealous? '

78. " Hold me and never let me go. "

79. " Stop hogging all the blankets! "

80. " Let’s run away together."

General:

81. " Catch me if you can! "

82. " I'm fine. "

83. " Are you drunk? "

84. " Are you high? "

85. " We cant go in there...

86. " Give it back! a

87. " Well this is just great. "

88. " Don't touch me."

89. " Not sure if you could tell, but l'm not exactly a people person. "

90. "This was fun - Lets do it again sometime!"

91. " I didn't do it! "

92. " I did it... "

93. I don't remember that! "

94. Well that's pretty rude of you to say."

95. " Get that thing away from me! "

96. " You owe me. "

97. " Do you believe in aliens? "

98. " Do you believe in ghosts? "

99. " Are you hitting on me? "

100. " Why are you naked? "

101. " You did what?!"

102. " You have... Superpowers? "

103. " Why are you bleeding? "

104. " Where did all these puppies come from?"

105. " Don't make me come over there myself! "

106. " That wasn't funny."

107. " This tastes horrible. "

108. " This is delicious! "

109. " Are you mad at me? "

110. " Stop ignoring me..."

111. " I love that show too! '

112. " Can I borrow that book of yours?"

113. " Lets blow this joint."

114. " Let me help you with that. "

115. " Take that back! "

116. " Wanna go see a movie with me? "

117. " No way, that's so lame. "

118. "What are you listening to? "

119. " I brought you your coffee."

120. " Don't fuck this up. "

121. " Run! "

122. " Lets run away together. "

123. " I haven't slept in four days..."

124. " Your turn to do the dishes. "

125. " Was I really that drunk? "

126. " Was I really that stoned? "

127. "Give me back my phone! "

128. " You're an asshole. "

129. " Are you cold? '

130. " This place gives me the creeps. "

131. " I swear my house is haunted. "

132. " Did you hear that? "

133. " It's just your imagination. "

134. " Just how stupid do you think I am? "

135. " Stop being such a baby."

136. " Go back to bed. "

137. " Are you okay? "

138. " I can take care of myself just fine."

139. " Thanks for helping me back there."

140. " Since when have we ever been friends? "

141. "What on earth are you wearing? "

142. " I can't feel my legs! "

143. " Stop texting me weird stuff so late at night. "

144. " Put me down! "

145. " There's only one bed..."

146. " It isn't what it looks like! Okay.. Maybe it is..

147. " How did Hoose it? "

148. " I read your diary."

149. " This is awkward. "

150. " Didn't you read the sign? "

151. " Do you think you can teach me that?”

Below are NSFW prompts.

Please if you're rebloggling tell your followers if you're interested or not in taking these sorts of requests.

Sexual:

152. " Bite me. "

153. " Make me."

154. " Fuck me. "

155. " Stop teasing me so much..."

156. " Do you like it when I touch you like that?'

157. " Okay.. This is new."

158. “Want to head back to my place and have a little fun?”

159. "You're in trouble now. "

160. " What a pretty sight. "

161. " Bend over. "

162. " On your knees. "

163. " The food looks great but.. There's something much more delicious i'd like to eat right now. "

164. " Lay back. "

165. " Take off your clothes. "

166. " Well, fine; just this once."

167. " I'm waiting."

168. " You're so beautiful. "

169. “As you wish."

170. "First one to make a noise looses."

171. " You have no idea what you do to me. "

172. " If you're bored; Wanna have sex? "

173. " Ive wanted this for so long. "

174. "Car sex looks so much more easier in the movies. "

175. "Can I touch you? '

176. "Open up."

177. "No strings attached. "

178. " Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you? '

179. " Mine."

180. " The nights still young. "

181. "We cant do that here! "

182. " Behave."

183. What did you just say? "

184. " Good girl. "

185. " Good boy. "

186. " Come here."

#women writers #writing #prompts #writing prompts #angst prompts #fluff prompts #spicy prompts #general prompts #fanfic writing #fanfiction

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imeverywoman420 · 1 year ago

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One of the most frustrating things to me regarding mental health is tht like its not just “mental” as in a mindset its very much physiological and it is ur entire body and way of living “mental illness” is such a stupid phrase….. idk i truly hate how “normalize mental illness” just became a thing abusive and attention seeking people say. Or something super high functioning normal people that got diagnosed with mild anxiety say like haha i had a panic attack about my salad earlier normalize panic attacks.

I remember being like 11 having a total mental breakdown repeating the phrase im a bad person over and over bc i could see people constantly conflating being mentally ill with being a bad person. And im at a very grinch like point in my life…. Where i know a lot of bad things have happened to me and im very sad and i have diagnosed real mental problems. But i WANT to be a good and productive society person.

idk to put it simply- i cry. I shut down sometimes n panic. And i get that these things are not “okay” for adults to do and i dont expect special treatment. But for a while when i wasnt a neet, i REALLY tried. I don’t want to hurt people i don’t do crazy shit or lash out at people but just my general Traumatized orphan vibe and tendency to dissociate and cry makes me unemployable. It was so embarrassing just crying all the fucking time working a normal job. And i DONT want to make excuses for myself or be a weak person anymore…. I want to be stronger and push myself to just suck it up and stop crying. But i would be disgusted with the callousness of someone like that. I don’t want to be a bad person ………

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nerves-nebula · 11 months ago

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Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

#nnstuff #ask #csa tw #asks are sweethearts

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aroacesigma · 6 months ago

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okay massive loredump incoming so im terribly sorry if none of this makes sense lol

to understand valkyrie's dynamic in the most basic way possible, shu is an incredibly talented artist who might seem extremely standoffish and cold while also being very short tempered (especially during the earlier stories) but he is very tender to those who cares about. throughout his entire arc though he learns how to express those feelings better so its really sweet to see ^-^ he really loves antique dolls and admires any type of art form really. and hes a very big croissant enjoyer. currently in the story hes studying in france. and i dont care if its only like a silly gag in the game but you have to take shu having DID out of my cold dead hands. he sometimes speaks through the doll his grandfather gave him, mademoiselle.

and mika is, for a lack of a better word his biggest fan(tm). type of guy that would defend anything shu does on twitter lmao. but before getting into their relationship!! i need to gush about my silly first. mika is an orphan who ends up at yumenosaki because he remembers meeting shu when they were both kids and seeing shu perform once. and was like. "hey. i want to be next to him" and somehow??? got in???? but anyway. hes a very sweet guy but might sometimes come off as a bit of an airhead. doesnt help w the fact that he keeps saying hes dumb while that not being the case at all. he really likes plushies :3 he frequently picks up abandoned plushies and clothes from the trash to fix them up and everything. he also has a bit of a sweet tooth lol. but he prefers cheaper candy or sweets that are a little flawed like a cake thats slightly burnt and whatnot because he says that the nice ones make him sick.

oh wow this is already so long im SORRY but getting into them together, their entire arc is them growing and learning and trying to become the best versions of themselves as partners.

during ! era, the earlier batch of stories, when mika first joins valkyrie his relationship with shu is really not healthy at all. people still call them a proship sometimes because they will just ignore any development they had 💀 this was the time that mika was incredibly devoted to shu and very dependent on him. that his only purpose was to be shu's doll for him to control and lead him because he couldnt be trusted with himself or whatever. this being paired with shu's perfectionism resulted in this dynamic of a puppeteer and his puppet, basically. i will probably get to the war in another ask if you want me to bc. i feel like im rambling on too much nfmfnf <.< but after the events of the war their dynamic starts changing with time, in the later ! stories a few of them shows this switch to emphasizing mika needing to become his own person, and to live as a human instead of mindlessly following what shu says him to do. when we get to the !! era how much they've both grown is way more visible, by now shu has moved to france but visits japan frequently for valkyrie's activities or other things. shu cannot shut up about being partners in art with mika and is really proud of how far he has come. mika on the other hand, he really starts pushing for his own artistic taste more and also!! he calls shu out on his bullshit sometimes its really fun to read.

and if you want more tragic yaoi, id recommend listening to acanthe first and the lyrics then going onto le temps des fleurs, both have insane stories in the game accompanying the songs but i will . stop myself for now. all i will say is that the outfits in le temps des fleurs, half of it is supposed to be the groom while the other is the bride, so yeah theyre married to me now.

ohhhh theyre so silly. honestly love that character development for them <3 so glad gay marriage is real in enstars

#asks #candyn-gutz #we love somewhat toxic and tragic yaoi on this blog god bless #mika in general intrigues me also i love his design #silly little guy tbh

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hopskipandarump · 5 days ago

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today i woke up, thought about the group of old schoolfriends who are meeting in town around christmas, and ended up leaving the fb group they made because, to be honest, im probably never gonna go to a meetup again. i havent gone for a fair few years now, and i remember the last time i went i was just... there, i guess. i wasnt in the conversations, i wasnt really present i guess. just set dressing while everyone else talked about stuff like their jobs or their uni experiences or how life is now theyve moved out of the town or buying houses or their weddings or trying for kids and i just

i dunno

i enjoyed the time we had but i dont think i really relate to them anymore. our lives and interests are all so very different and i feel like i should have quietly stepped away earlier because i wasnt even invited to some of my (during our schoolyears) closest friends weddings

im trying not to sit here and feel like im lagging behind or beat myself up about it because im disabled. theyre not. and i have a lot in my life i enjoy even if its not the usual thing of "get job -> move out -> get house -> marry -> shit out kid" because i never was normal and there was no fucking way i was gonna follow the stereotypical life journey everyone says you have to

i have good friends who i share hobbies with, i know who i am and i know im happy not being in a relationship because the chance of me actually liking somoene that way is so low, i'll never be able to work a "proper" job and thats ok - i'm disabled and i get money to live but i still make a little bit of my own with youtube. i do keep thinking about moving out of my town or saving for a house but i have so much shit tying me to the doctors here and then i have no fucking money and the only way im realistically getting a house is i either inherit it or someone else buys it for me

idk

today is a weird feeling day

i didnt expect leaving the group to feel like a weight taken off my shoulders or anything. i expected to feel conflicted. these are people i was friends with and around for like 3 years before i had to change schools and we tried and i did like them but i think it was more friends made from proximity and fuck man idk im just venting

at least im not the first one to leave i guess, someone who was arguably closer to them also isnt in the group anymore and i dont think she talks to any of us anymore but its not like i would know given that i dont talk to them anymore past maybe one of them commenting on a tiktok or something

this isnt even going into the OTHER group from wales who pretended to put up with me when they didnt like me (other than 2 of them - which out of everyone i mentioned are some of the only people who invited me to their wedding, which i have been invited to TWICE in all the years ive knowsome of these people) and never told me to my face that they didnt like me or want to be around me and that all culminated in them just. not turning up while i waited for them at a convention. and they never replied in the group chat when i asked them where they were and the only reason i know they didnt turn up was because one of the two that i still talk to sometimes told me the group wasnt coming

#im just venting dw #i have raid later so i need to get this out of my head #rumprabbiting

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chaeros1e · 2 years ago

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Kai’s POV:

I sigh as I take out the burnt meal I had been trying to prepare for y/n. This was our fourth date and I was planning on asking her to be my girlfriend.For our last date she had cooked and we ate at her place. I wanted to do the same thing but I had got distracted and accidentally burnt it.

I had no other choice but to order pizza. I sigh and get on the phone with the pizza place and placed my order making sure to get a side of wings knowing those were Y/N’s favorite.I remember Y/N telling me her favorite were buffalo,I sigh and text y/n

me:Make sure to wear comfy clothes please

wifey: Why?

me:I'll tell you when you get here

wifey:Okay

I go change into a pair of sweats and graphic t shirt soon I hear the door bell “Pizza delivery !”. I rush to the door paying for the food and take it to the kitchen. soon the doorbell rings. I open the door blushing at Y/N's attire.

"I-I said comfy" I say letting her in

(you can change the outfit)

"This is comfy," She says smiling, she comes in closing the door while taking her platforms off. Before she walked in she kissed my cheeks

"W-whats that for?" I ask

"Just because" She says smiling

"I kind of burnt the food" I say rubbing my neck in embarrassment

"Aww Kai" She says making me flush more in embarrassment

"I just wanted to make your favorite and I kind of got distracted so I ordered pizza and other things" I say. "Aww you’re so cute" Y/n says cupping my cheeks

"Lets eat" I say. she grabs my hand taking me to the dinning table. My table was in front of my pent house window. I bring the plates and food over to the table."Anything to drink?" I ask "Do you have any Wine?" She asks

"Uh I do" I say walking over to the wall of wine I have. I have so many bottles of wine. Usually after I win a game somebody gifts a bottle to me. I dont really drink so I just keep some for decoration. "Chardonnay or red?" I ask

"Red it makes me feel sexy when I drink it," Y/n says smiling."okay," I say grabbing the bottle and two wine glasses and bringing them back to the table."Your penthouse is so big! Do you ever get lonely?" Y/n asks taking a bite of her pizza

"Not really 'cause I'm always on the road but sometimes when I am here it does hit a little," I tell her taking a sip from my cup."Maybe when I move in you won't be lonely" She says making me choke

"M-move in?" I ask. I didn't even ask her to be my girlfriend yet! God must be on my side."Yeah," She says picking up her phone and coming around to my seat. she sits down on my lap making me blush. She grabs her cup and opens her phone.

"Lets take pictures" She says. "Okay" I Say putting my hand on the table. "You can touch me Kai" She says smiling. "O-okay" I say mentally smacking myself for stuttering so much. I rest my hand on her hip as I smile as she takes the picture. After a few more picture Y/n stays in my lap eating her food. If only she knew how she makes me feel.After we finish eating we sat on my couch with another cup of wine and talk. After an hour or so y/n started getting tired and was leaving but I had to ask her about ealier

"Hey uh, y/n about what you said earlier? Ya know...you moving in?" I ask

"What about it?" She asks as she puts her heels on

"Do you really see yourself being my girlfriend?" I ask. She looks at me with wide eyes and an embarrassed look

"I-I thought I was already your girlfriend" She says

"Ah?! you did?!" I ask

"Oh I'm so sorry you were probably so uncomfortable tonight I am so sorry" She says hiding her face in her hands. I smile and take her hands in mine.

"Its okay. I wasnt uncomfortable and I was actually thinking about asking you to be my girlfriend tonight but seeing as I screwed up dinner I didnt think you'd say yes" I say nervously

"Really?" She asks

"Really. With that being said will you be my girlfriend?" I ask. She looks at me and smile

"Of course good night Kai" She says kissing my cheek and I smile and kiss hers back

"Night Y/n" I say before closing the door

After cleaning up I get in the shower and dress for bed. I get in bed and decided to check my socials before going to sleep. The last app I decided on was Instagram I watched a few peoples stories

I smile as Y/n's came up. It was a few pictures of her in her outfit before she came over and the last one was a picture we took. She was sitting in my lap as we both smiled holding our wine glasses. She captioned it wine date wnd blurred my face out.I smile screenshotting it and sending it to the other member plus my sisters.Soon enough the group chat was going crazy. I smile at the picture and hold my phone to my chest.

#kai x reader #txt fanfic #huening txt #hueningkai #txt kai #txt x reader #x black reader #tomorrow x together #ambw imagines #chaeros1e #fanfic #romance #kpop x poc reader #heuning kai x reader

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irrealisms · 11 months ago

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You dont have sex because you're waiting for marriage or because being gay is a sin?

man i dont remember posting anything abt not having sex/celibacy/being side b before this ask, idk what this was inspired by. it's probably bait (and, quite frankly, it's none of your business why i'm having or not having sex) which is why i waited almost a full week to answer but i'm going to answer it anyway (once) because i want to be open about this. if you or anyone else is interested in having a discussion on why i believe the things i do, send me a message or an ask off anon. i'm much more willing to be vulnerable in a setting that isn't "anon question that is probably bait".

as a clarification that will probably mean very little to my secular followers but will be appreciated by my side b followers (and hopefully at least mean something to my side a Christian followers): i reject this dichotomy. i'm celibate because i'm gay--but i don't think being gay is a sin. i am gay. i do not believe my existence is a sin. i believe that i've found many beautiful and true things from being gay, and that God made me gay for a reason. i am glad i'm gay, and i don't wish i were straight or pray to become straight. so, so much of side b advocacy within the Church is focused around making it clear that, while being gay comes with different temptations than being straight, it is not a sin to be gay. (note also: different temptations. not "being gay comes with temptations and being straight doesn't".) it would be a slap in the face to not start with that. i share a lot of thoughts on this with eve tushnet, who's also a side b Catholic lesbian; this post was incredibly meaningful to me on my journey, but check out her blog if you want more.

but also, yeah. i don't have sex because i converted to Catholicism with the intent of obeying the Church's doctrine. i note in my bio that i obey the doctrine of the Church. and, well, i can't get gay married as a Catholic, and i'm not supposed to have extramarital sex. so i don't i know that there are side a Catholics, many of whom i respect, but i'm not one of them. i don't believe in "ex-gay" therapy or "pray the gay away" and i don't think that being gay is inherently sinful, but (and here's the part that i assume you're reading for) i do believe that having gay sex is a sin. i follow the teachings laid out in the Catechism, to the best of my ability and understanding. that's in my about page. right now, for me, as a lesbian: that means celibacy. the Catechism is pretty clear on that, imo. i don't talk about this often because most of my friends (and, for that matter, tumblr followers) are queer non-Christians, many of whom have trauma around Christianity and Christian homophobia (which is, to be clear, very real, even if you agree that gay sex is a sin). but like... i'm just living my life. i go to Mass on Sundays and i fast during Lent (or get permission not to from the local priest, when my eating disorder makes it a health concern) because doing otherwise would be a sin; not having sex (or masturbating! which was/is tbh much harder for me to give up than partnered sex! but people ask a lot less about that, because it's less discourse bait and more clearly none of anyone else's business) is the same sort of thing, to me. was it hard (is it hard)? yes, sometimes. but God doesn't just ask me for sacrifices that are easy. maybe some day i'll change my mind again and become side a or deconvert altogether. maybe i'm wrong about things! but this is where i'm at right now.

for what it's worth, i'm happy. i don't hate myself. as mentioned earlier, i'm glad i'm gay and i don't want to be straight. my life is full of love--from friends, family, God. celibacy has had its downsides and painful moments for me, but it's also had its upsides and moments of joy. i've been able to deepen and prioritize and value my friendships. it's been valuable and beautiful and worth it. fundamentally: i believe what i believe, and i'm living true to that. if you want to unfollow me for this, go for it. if you want to filter it, my tag for religion + queerness + being side b is #too gay to live too trad to die.

#therapists dni #too gay to live too trad to die #catholic tag #follower purge time ig

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mayasaurusss · 3 months ago

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hi hi, its the anon from earlier <3

I wanted to clarify that I don't want to pressure you to keep writing for YJ when you don't want to, I just meant in terms of deleting your account!

I often re-read blurbs and fics for characters I like because they help me calm down during my paranoia and anxiety episodes (which suck)

That said, I think your writing is amazing!! Its also important to remember that if you think a certain piece of writing is bad, your mind is probably over exaggerating because we're often more critical of our own work than others <3 (just a healthy reminder to help you stay confident and not be too harsh on yourself :))

Sorry if I sounded kind of demanding before, I had just seen that one of my (more recently created) favorite tumblr accounts, stagnat, had deactivated their/his account which caused me to panic a little bit (a lot)

I don't know why the YJ fandom has gotten so toxic recently, it feels like in the past month or so everything has just been going wrong 😭

Again, I really really enjoy your writing, but I am 100% fine if you feel like you need to step back or take a break from tumblr for your health :)

You are so kind and nice that it's actually making my heart hurt😭❤️I'll definelty read this whenever I'll feel down about my writing😊😊.

So if that's the concer, know that every account I've ever had is or has been up to read for others. I had a wattpad account which I abbandoned but I've never deleted it because I know that people might want to reread my fics or oneshots, so don't worry about that!

You might be right. I recently was writing a tmasc Shaun headcanons about dating him during another historic period, but even if it's cute and a pretty long set of headcanons, they came out flat. Like it wasn't Shauna's original character anymore so I kinda scrapped it. It's still in my drafts but until I can actually make something out of it, it'll stay there. Also, every friking time I publish any long oneshot I always fear "Have I wrote well?/Could I offend someone?/Have I made enough research?/Is it ready to be published yet?" and so on. Curse my overstressed mind. But thanks, this helped, I'll try to go easy on myself in the future!!!

Oh don't worry about that, and yeah I saw they deactivated as well and I had just followed them mere days ago. Kinda sad many people are you know, but we don't know why they did it. Dont be sad, they probably are making a new account or are already here!

And yeah, I did saw the toxicity as well. I am not sure why, but sometimes I think that might be 'cause the in real world is crumbling apart and so people are constantly on the edge. You have no idea how many times the past year I've encountered people who were angry and stressed that used others as means to get stress out of their system. I could go on and on about this, but I can only store so much words in one post.

Awwww, damn this is too much for my cold heart. I really thank you for your kind words, truly. And don't worry, I have just been back from a really long pause because of exam season, so I am actually quite happy to be back as well! Who knows, maybe in the month of October (Halloween! Yay!!) you will get a itty bitty more oneshots as usual! Who knows, only time will tell...😊

#maya rambles #anon answered

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