#so I did some mental gymnastics to ignore the possible problems and decided to take an extra spin on it and just sorta add her to the main

[arolesbianism]

I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman

[i-need-air]

Oh-- I really really -really- liked your wolf hybrid Bakugou and-- if you don't mind, can you do one on Kirishima? Just the general headcanons, if this is too bothersome then you can ignore this once again- thank you

Just general headcanons you say? Okay, I had this written 2k words in before I got this ask and now it's at... ehem, let me take a deep breath for this;

Word count: 3.5k 💀 [of HCs 💀💀💀]

Why do I keep doing this to myself aksdjkd I love Kiri so much, my god! Thanks for the ask!! 💗

[ Masterlist ]

Hybrid!AU Kirishima Eijirou HCs

× i mentioned him as a dog hybrid and we're sticking with it because it just feels right, yano? anyway!

× you found out about how the new hybrid shelter in your city helped bust a fighting ring

× which was horrifying to think about

× one of your friends explained the process to you and you were definitely interested in helping someone out

× shelters were still underfunded and didn't provide much to help the hybrids adapt to society

× so you found yourself in front of the shelter without a plan

× just a dream and a spare couch that could thankfully convert into a bed

× before you could chicken out you stormed through the doors like a mad person, catching the attention of the guards and the front desk man

× it surprised you how disinterested they were though; were they seriously the people that dismantled a whole illegal fighting ring?

× they called a sweet old lady to accompany you

× when you explained your situation her eyes sparkled, looking you up and down and nodding her head

× she took you through some hallways, showing you around the precinct, questioning you about what type of hybrid you'd want

× to which you honestly didn't know how to respond, like anyone you could help????

× it kinda pissed you off how she spoke about the hybrids like they were pets, suggesting you'd get a kitty or a bunny, since [her words] they were low maintenance

× is this really a good shelter?

× you looked around, finding prison like cells left and right, some with people that looked at you curiously, some covering from your glance

× they were locked in...

× some growling could be heard far away but the woman shook her head at you, disapproving gaze turned to the side as she took you further into the building

× another room, this time cells were bigger, a few occupied, yet covered from you, indiferent and uninterested

× a man was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands in his hair

× "Kirishima, boy, get up to greet someone"

× his red eyes snapped up, whatever he was thinking about slowly forgotten

× he blinked curiously as you hugged your frame, feeling uncomfortable, even ashamed to be there

× but a sweet smile took over his features

× "Hey! I'm Kirishima Eijirou!"

× it's really all it took for you to grow fond of him; he got up and came closer to the entrance of the cell and introduced himself in such easy-going manner you forgot about everything and anything

× he calmed you with his presence, even if it was very disheveled, with old ripped clothes and hair messy, painted red with obvious dark roots showing

× he had a black fluffy tail waving slowly behind him too

× you introduce yourself with his encouragement and mumbled how you wanted to help someone out today

× he just smiled at you, taking you in

× let me tell you something about dog hybrids: they can sense emotions and intentions so Kiri would be a very good judge of character and he really, genuinely took a liking on you

× the problem is how the fuck do you say out loud that you wanted to help him out

× because you sure as hell weren't going to say you'd adopt him; he's not a child? we're talking about a grown ass man here? literally looked like 6'4ft/1.95m?????

× it was so shameful, your gut turned as you cursed society and he sensed it, expression changing, falling a little as he saw you look very out of place

× "Hey, hey, everything's gonna be fine!" he said

× he told YOU that

× instead of YOU telling HIM those words;;; you almost burst into ugly crying, forgetting about everything else, your minuscule problems or shame or whatever and just nodded at him

× "Would you like to come home with me, Kirishima?" you said, ignoring the happy clapping the old lady was doing, watching carefully how his expression, clear as water, switched from easy-going and reassuring to shocked then hopeful

× "I'd like that" he breathed out "—a lot."

× as you went out the lady was telling him it was a shame they separated his group of friends, something about being sent to different shelters, how he had to be a good boy, to behave, yada-yada and seriously;;; he was taking it so lightheartedly, as if he was so used to this behavior or even was thankful for it?

× it was starting to get annoying, specially when they gave you a collar for him, like no fucking thanks, but you'd take care of it later

× since it was very random and unplanned, you were making mental gymnastics to figure out what to get and what to do first, like clothes, food—

× journey home was pleasant as he walked close to you, asking you questions about yourself with a gentle smile on his features

× meanwhile people got out of both your ways because he was intimidating and big and large but his smile screamed sunshine

× all while he never really mentioned anything about himself

× you made a point to ask him if he was hungry, to grab a quick bite at any restaurant you could get at then go buy some clothes and necessities

× you were so casual and this guy was so shocked

× i swear, looks at you blinking stupidly then ✨beams✨

× spoiler alert; big boy was hungry

× it didn't matter honestly, just seeing him eat without a worry [even if everyone at the restaurant was wary of him but got a stink eye from you] was a relief

× since you answered his questions about you, you decided to ask some about him; you were going to be roomies soon so might as well get to know each other

× shocked again

× stops mid-bite when you ask him something and stares wide-eyed

× doesn't answer but you can see he wants to and you're confused??

× "did I—... did I say something wrong?" you'd press, scared you'd spook him away or something

× he just gulps down and looks ashamed

× casually tells you they've been told at the shelter owners don't care about them

× 🙃 say what now bby?

× he kinda starts apologizing because he understands why you wouldn't wanna know and you put your hand on his; kinda mutes him for a second

× "Kirishima, we're gonna live together and hopefully be friends in the process, right? I'd like to know about you, as much as you're willing to tell me"

× [ falls in love right then and there ]

× he's met humans before, many actually—

× even in the short weeks he's been at the shelter he's seen people come and go and none talked to him like you did

× stares with stars in his eyes and chuckles awkwardly, blush on his face

× "You're really nice, [Y/N]" he said before eagerly answering your questions; course, it leaves you confused lmfao but you brush past it

× okay! shopping next, long story short it was very hard to find hybrid clothes for his size so you pick to change human clothes and adjust them for him

× as you again mention this stuff casually he's just awestruck

× when you got home, bags in hand, you were explaining to him how you really didn't have much; you were working to get a promotion soon but for now you had a couch that could open up into a very comfy bed, which he assured you it was enough

× you were lowkey unsure if he fit it because like i mentioned, big boi is big

× he does! so that's a relief but you started considering giving him your bed; you mostly fell asleep on the couch anyway and to be fair, it was really comfortable and you mention it as he looks around

× his head snaps at you, wide eyed, yet does not talk

× so you ramble bc that's something fun to do! "I mean I went to the shelter without a plan and uh, I want you to feel as comfortable as possible and maybe the bed is a better fit and—"

× Kirishima Eijirou sees: 💕💞💕💞💕💞💕

× has never been treated like this, like he's an... equal... something he'll take months to share with you, but we're getting ahead of ourselves

× the thing is this boy will fall pretty hard pretty fast, but will definitely take time to make a move

× bc he is respectful

× so he thanks you for the offer and tells you it's probably the best place he slept in all his life

× can your heart stop breaking for him? i mean it's a good couch but it's no luxury hotel bed???

× [ we need to pause, OP made herself sad ]

× ok, so he's really helpful around the house, and he knows how to cook!

× takes no time to talk about his friends, special his best friend that cooked for everyone at the fighting ring and forced them all to help and that's how he was pretty decent at cooking himself

× wasn't the best though, but followed instructions like a boss

× he lives for your compliments

× literally his tail wiggles with no shame

× seriously;; tell him he did a good job even at the dumbest thing and—

× puffs chest

× wiggle-wiggle

× "Thanks!"

× 🥺💕💞 make him stop, he's so cute

× did i mention he has like floppy black ears? Omg his earsssssssssshnnngggggggggg

× because they move whenever he walks and they're mesmerizing

× and one day that you're observing them for science [not because your heart was like 💘pom-pom💘] you noticed his roots

× remember when your heart broke for him? hah, have some more because as you asked him, he started telling you that he was pushed into dying his hair red for the spectacle, diversity and what-not

× reassured you he grew to love it now, being part of who he is

× also gets a little bit shy when adding he wouldn't want to change the color in hopes of finding his friends someday and for him to be easily recognizable

× you bought him hair dye that same day

× WHICH! apart from gaining extra 🥺💕💞 from him, it created a nice routine between you two!!

× you offered to dye his hair and it was such a great time; he made you laugh, conversation going just as easy whenever you talked, you got to know each other a little bit more and—

× heh

× at the end, after applying all the red hair dye, you massaged his scalp gently

× guess who melts in your hands? yes, giant ass dog-man melts into a puddle under your hands and it's the cutest fucking thing you've ever seen

× I'm serious, he sighs and leans into your gloved hands with zero [0] shame, eyes closed and peaceful expression on his features apart from a small smile

× you tease him and he laughs it off, but promise him you'd give him head scratches when he was finished with the dye, washed off and hair dry

× and you better deliver

× "Don't think I forgot!" he'd say as he'd hop on his make-shift bed in the living room by your side, tail moving from side to side

× as you start playing with his locks, he falls into your lap and starts snoring

× move an inch and he opens his eyes to look at you confused

× puppy eyes questioning you if you're leaving 🥺

× yep, you fall asleep together

× you point out to yourself that those puppy eyes will be the death of you

× he's a touchy guy, okay? since he's been touchy with you from the very start you never questioned it, even read on the internet that many hybrids descended from house pets need physical affection, like hugs, pats, scratches, all the bag, so it wasn't a big deal for you

× except it was a big deal because he's been around for a month and you're already catching feelings and that's bad because you did not bring him there to fall for him but to help him start a new life and—

× oh my god, what if he thought you were one of those people from the horror stories about hybrid adoption that only wanted them for one thing—

× no, no, no, nO, NO.

× anxiety was getting to you as the guilt of catching feelings for him, plus the fact that he was financially dependant on you for the time which would've made it even worse if he found out, PLUS he comes from such a rough life, he definitely needs a break and doesn't need his first human friend in forever to be a piece of;;;

× Kiri catches on this really constant and increasing feeling of anxiety; he starts to send you worried glances but doesn't know how to proceed

× in such a soft voice he asks if you're okay, if something is on your mind

× and since you weren't sharing anything but acted as if everything was alright even when he felt you lied, Kiri started to get worried too

× why were you anxious? why weren't you talking to him about it?

× oh, god, was he a burden? because he felt like one;;; did you want him out? he felt like an extra weight for you and wanted to do something about it but maybe you got sick of him? he felt unmanly...

× the fact that he knew he cared about you as more than just a friend made him even more anxious and it didn't help that whenever he touched you he heard your breath hitch or your heart beating louder; he got his hopes up then down because

× you smelled like people; people he didn't know, people he wanted to know because he needed to know why did you smell like them? were they a treat? were they potential partners? he really did not want to ask bc Kirishima felt like it wasn't his place to know

× as tension grew in the house you decided to gift him a new phone, ready to give him some news that reached your ears

× it seems Kiri himself liked to do sports and mainly jog to keep himself active and he's started to pass by the local dog-park to play with the dogs

× imagine your surprise when a few neighbors asked you if he'd be willing to train their dogs bc he's been teaching them stuff like once a week and the dogs listened

× big time dog whisperer; he says "Sit" to one dog and all dogs in the neighborhood sit too, you get me?

× so you said it would be nice for him to have his own money; not like you didn't help him without care, but you saw his face every time you bought something for him and really felt like he needed some real independence

× he's in ✨awe✨ because you came up with clients already that were very eager for dog training sessions, which he loved??? and suggested hours, wages??????

× and you gave him this new phone to help him with it if he's interested too?

× "Well, the normal price on the internet around the area is—"

× "[Y/N]."

× "Hmm?"

× "You're really amazing, you know that, right?" he'd have his lips curled into a sweet smile

× which makes your heart go crazy and this man notices how you get flustered

× loves it

× get ready for compliments; a lot of compliments just expecting your sweet flustered reactions

× he's slow at realizing your feelings for him because he beats himself down and seems himself as less of a man but tests the waters nonetheless and a d o r e s every time you struggle to thank him for said compliments and don't know how to continue functioning

× catches on and gets his hopes up

× and so you do

× listen, this is hilarious because you're both dumb idiots and want to be respectful towards the other meanwhile he hugs you tighter and for a little bit too long, loving how you melt into him, kisses you on the cheek and sees you get all flustered, looks at you like you're the only one to ever matter until you stop talking, turning everything into a giant mess of silence until you both grin at each other???? I'm getting second-hand embarrassment, just kiss???????

× and it happened with an accidental kiss

× you greeted him as he walked through the door, excited to tell him about your promotion, rambling about the take-out you ordered while he smiled at you

× and it started to be usual for you to greet him with a kiss on the cheek, right? just what normal roomies do, you know [mhmm~]

× he's taking his shoes off and knows the kiss is coming, but just before you press it on his cheek you whisper/squeal "I got the promotion!" to which he turns his head in surprise at you making your lips press together by accident [mhhhmmmmm~~~]

× cue both of you apologizing, looking like a mess

× he's blushing

× you both loved it

× why are you standing so close to each other?

× why did he lick his lips in daze while staring at yours?

× which one of you was leaning in for another kiss?

× it didn't really matter because he's kissing you slowly, taking you into his arms like you were made of porcelain

× glues his body to yours and breathes you in, lips locked, neither believing it was real

× lifts you up in his arms with no difficulty and smiles, both inches separated from another; "Congratulations..." his breath would fan over your face;;;;

× yeah, okay, he takes no time to confess, resulting in a mess of manly words skdjekldj you guys talked that whole night while cuddling and stealing kisses, you on his lap

× [ his nose brushing your neck; he loves your scent omg ]

× it becomes official pretty much instantly and then all your worries wash away

× all the anxiety, all the stress and overthinking, they've all been sorted out in one night and trust me, afterwards this man is pure honesty and loyalty

× he won't hesitate to talk to you about anything and will be such a patient sweetheart with you, listening to every word you say without judgment

× loves cheesy stuff? as in the most cliché stuff seen in movies? that's his shit right there; whenever you two see each other after some time apart [sometimes 5 minutes apart] he'd pick you in his arms and spin you around, then expect you to kiss him

× if you don't, i will skfjdkfk step aside 👀

× skin contact; please, touch him

× if you're not he sends you those famous puppy eyes and we all know they're killer

× sighs, happy to hold you tight against him, engulfing you into his big frame; yeah, you're where you belong, in his arms.

× everyone in the neighborhood loves him; it's ridiculous, seriously, because you find out he helped around all the time when you were at work and gained everyone's love

× makes an instagram account to teach people how to train their dog and becomes an internet sensation, a small celebrity

× also bc he's hot and sometimes posts working out pics

× skdksjs imagine this: makes dinner for both of you, lits up some candles, goes all in, then fucking posts it on ig saying "waiting for my baby to come home #surprise" forgetting you can see it lmfao

× you see the story on your way home and 🥺💞 "ye i love his oblivious ass"

× soft gasps when you tell him after dinner

× has the audacity to be surprised, like babe????

× Kaminari finds him through social media and this baby cries in relief for a good half an hour

× both team up to find all the gang

× guess who talks praises about you all the time? mhm, this guy right here is proud to have you

× and Denki has to deal with it;

× anywho! want to break him for good? tell him you love him for the first time

× GETS. SO. EXCITED. AND. EMOTIONAL.

× but forgets how to speak

× finds his words to say it back after staring at you entranced, grinning like an idiot, taking you in his arms and giving you a bone crushing hug while shaking in place

× he's never felt this loved and adores every second of it

× you're like a drug and he's deep gone, man

× tells you he loves you every single day

[viltrumitesuperboy]

Babysitting Job (Peter Parker x Natasha’s Brother Reader)

Sorry for any errors within the plot. I wrote this over the course of two weeks. Reader’s powers not mentioned much.

Requested by: anon Could I possibly request a Peter Parker x Male Reader, where the reader is Black Widow's younger brother and has trained in martial arts and gymnastics and the like, but also has the ability of animal shape-shifting? Maybe all the avengers meet him for the first time when Black Widow finally gets him to live with her and Peter gains a pretty big crush on him?

Word count: 3352

You trained under your older adoptive sister for years. Natasha found out that you had been born with the ability to shift into animals. She brought you to her workplace where you would be treated as a person and not as a weapon like she had. You never stayed with her after you'd trained for a few years, leaving America to take other jobs. Every once in a while she'd check up on you, asking if you needed anything or if you could help her find some information. Even miles away, she still acted like your older sister and was just as protective.

Eventually you decided to finish your education in America, staying with Natasha at the Avengers Tower. She had an entire floor to herself, but rarely used most of it. She was a minimalist to an extent. She made sure you were settled before going to her briefing late, assuring you that she wouldn't get in trouble. If anything, you were sure that she'd scold them for starting without her.

You spent the first few nights extremely uncomfortable in the new place. You had never needed to stay somewhere for a long time, and even if it had only been a few days, you knew you'd be there for a while.

After a week, you were roaming about the R&D floors and bumped into someone.

"Oh, you," Tony Stark said.

"Who do you think I am?" you asked warily.

"Natasha's kid brother, right? With the powers? Listen, I have something for you."

"Uh..."

"Here. Have you seen this?"

He pulled out his StarkPad. You watched the video he pulled up, not wanting to interrupt someone who seemed like he was always in a rush. It was a boy with a lean figure, dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants along with a mask covering his entire head. You silently applauded him for being a beginner vigilante who wore something practical considering he probably couldn't afford body armour.

"This is Spider-kid. Well, Spider-Man. But he's young, and I want to keep an eye on him. You mind helping me out? Of course, I wouldn't tell you his identity without his consent, but he agreed that he'd be fine with me giving him protection after..." he trailed off, gesturing vaguely with his hand as if you knew what he was talking about. "Anyway, you feel up to going to high school? You're young. You'll probably fit right in."

"Mr. Stark, I have no social skills. I assure you, putting me in a high school considering my powers and training is likely a danger to my mental stability and their physical well-being. I'm not going to babysit someone for you."

Tony's features seemed to soften a bit. He looked less like he was in a rush as much as he normally did. It was something he reserved for the people he cared most about.

"Look, I get it. People are hard to talk to. And I'm not saying this as Tony Stark, owner of a large company. I'm saying this as the reason I'm Iron Man. You've seen all that through files from Nat, right?" He awaited your confirmation, and you nodded. "Good. All you need to do is just be with Peter. And I'm sure you qualify to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. This can just be a mission and they'd be glad to know that my- uh, the kid is being managed by someone they can trust because at least they know Nat. It doesn't have to be anything else, not even a favour for me. Just a job."

You thought about it for a moment, then asked to see more of the videos. Stark held out the device for both of you to see and swiping through a few. You both stood there in the sunlit hallway for a while. He was barely trained and relied a lot on his powers. Maybe you could help him.

"I'll speak to Natasha today. I think I'll help you out, but talk to him first," you said finally.

"Great. By the way, I think he'd be a lot more comfortable if he knew that you were working with me," Stark said, just about to walk away. "He knows that someone will be sent to watch him, but he doesn't know who and he doesn't trust easily. He'd appreciate if you told him who you were right off the bat. Be careful."

"For him or for me?"

"Personally? For him. I think you can handle yourself."

He walked away, the device tucked under his arm as he made his way to one of the labs. It was obvious Stark cared for the boy, and you respected Stark for his efforts to make the world safer after what he'd gone through. If this was a job, this was one you'd take very seriously.

———

Your powers meant you could shift into animals, but you could also just take the attributes of any animal you knew to exist. It was much easier than turning into a large wildcat in the middle of a city street. You'd taken the climbing abilities of a gecko, leaping from another building to climb up the tower. There was a bandana covering the lower half of your face, just so you couldn't be recognised by cameras. You had just started to open the window when a reflection on the window blocked the lights inside.

"Hey, uh, what are you up to?" Spider-Man asked.

You turned to look at him, adjusting your bandana.

"Nothing, just going home," you replied, opening the window.

"Oh! Do you live here?" he piped up.

"No, but it'll be my home once I break in."

"Uh..."

"I'm just kidding. You can come in if you want. I know Stark has a soft spot for you."

"Mr. Stark? Really? I mean, I try to text Happy all the time cause I really want to tell Mr. Stark stuff sometimes but I didn't really think he actually-"

"Hey! Get inside!" your sister shouted from the kitchen.

You quickly slipped in, Spider-Man following and shutting the window behind you.

"What have I told you about coming in from there?" Natasha glared sternly.

"That there's an elevator and I should use it like a respectable person."

"Exactly. Go change and then help me out with lunch. Hi, Spider-Man. You know where to go."

"Yeah, sorry, Ms. Romanov. I didn't know you had a friend coming over."

"He's my brother. Now hurry up. Pepper will have your head if you're late."

The conversation trailed off, likely followed with goodbyes, as you went to your room. Lunch led to a very serious conversation about joining the secret government agency along with your first job: keeping Spider-Man in check.

———

The flash drive you received had the worst possible photo of Peter Parker you could imagine. It was as if they couldn't get an actual photo of him. Considering the fact that he was an official intern here, you figured that they might be able to get something that didn't look like an unfortunate accident from Picture Day. Because in person, he looked... not as stupid.

Going back to a public school was strange. You hadn't gone since you were a child, the rest of your education mixed in with the martial arts training you had to take. There were so many people, but at least they were ignoring you for the most part. The main problem was finding out where the hell B104 was.

"Um, are you lost?"

A girl with curly hair and a sketchbook to her side had a locker open next to you. You glanced at her putting books away and taking things out before responding.

"Yeah, I don't know where this is?"

She looked at your schedule, nodding as she shut her locker.

"Yeah. That's the basement. There's one science class down there," she explained. "I'll go with you; I have something there, too."

You thanked her as you both walked through the crowded hallways. She occasionally nudged people aside, giving absolutely no shits to the people standing in the way. Natasha would like her. When you accidentally mentioned it in a quiet mumble, she laughed. She claimed that if she ever met Black Widow, "it'll be over for all you bitches." You didn't doubt it. You both went down a floor and she led you to the room.

"I have to go a bit further down, but..." she quickly pulled out a pen and wrote down your room numbers on her wrist. "I have some classes close to these, so I can bring you there for the first half of the day before lunch. I'll see you after class?"

"Uh, sure?"

"My name's Michelle."

"I'm (Y/N)."

She stuck her hand out in a way that you became extremely uncomfortable with, not used to shaking hands. She seemed to notice your hesitation then held it up for a high five. You gave a small smile of gratitude and gave her one.

"I'm sorry, that's so awkward. Um, if you stick with me, I'll teach you the secrets of this school. Okay, there aren't really any, but you really look like more of a loner than I do."

You nodded awkwardly in response and turned to walk into your class without another word.

Michelle had about three of her classes with you, and you shared 4 with Peter Parker, two of which were before lunch. She walked you to the table she usually sat at, a relaxed gait to talk to you comfortably.

"Everyone kind of adopts their own spot in the cafeteria at some point. Those tables are usually empty, and that's where I sit. I have a feeling you're going to be spending your time there too."

You spotted Peter, who waved at you. Confused, you waved back, then Michelle voiced an excited greeting. You put your hand down after pretending to scratch your head.

"This is Peter and Ned. They're in some of your classes."

"Oh, you're the kid who broke one of the beakers today, right? Man, that's so weird. How did you manage that?" Ned recalled.

You weren't about to tell him that you hadn't broken it at all. It was sitting on one of the heating plates and you were trying to put it away, but it fell as you'd tried to catch it with your sticky gecko hands. It didn't work.

"I have super strength," you deadpanned.

The three laughed, somehow. You hadn't interacted with such a close friend group like this ever. Peter was an awkward teen just like the others, and you wondered how difficult it must have been for him to adjust to his powers in the middle of his schooling. If anyone noticed you staring at him, they didn't mention it.

———

You did not tell Peter that he was just your job.

He was completely oblivious to your role in his life and laughably terrible at hiding his secret. You once caught him pick up an entire row of lockers with one hand in between classes. He picked up a bottle that looked like it held arsenic and placed the lockers back down. The sunlight streaming in from a nearby classroom's glass window made you realise that this boy had no regard for his surroundings. He was incredibly stupid. You really had to tell him soon.

He'd visited the tower a few more times, and you'd sometimes see him practice with your sister. She'd look up at you in the doorway of the training room and glare at you, as if telling you that she was doing your job. You walked away before he saw you every time. Instead, you followed him around when he was Spider-Man, choosing when you wanted him to know you were there and when you didn't. You'd learned that from Natasha. He'd tried to get your attention a few times, knowing you were there, but you slipped out of sight every time.

Michelle started to ask you to call her MJ. Ned showed you pictures of the Death Star he and Peter built together. It suffered destruction twice in the past, but it was perfect now and sitting on display in Ned's home. Peter offhandedly mentioned that Tony Stark wanted to display it at the tower. Ned was all for it, and you wanted to hit your head on a wall. Peter consistently confirmed his parent-child relationship with Stark without realising it. It was a bit infuriating for everyone else who could see it.

Peter had started to become more awkward around you. He'd been more comfortable over time, but one day he just started to get fidgety and stammered a lot. It only happened when he spoke to you. You were aware that you were probably one of the very few people that he felt any romantic attraction to, and he probably felt like you were his only option. Unsurprisingly, you felt the same way. It sucked having only a few friends.

At some point the secret had to come out. You were just standing in the kitchen, opening the fridge for the second time like it would suddenly become interesting, and jumped once you closed it.

"Oh my god, Peter," you huffed.

"(Y/N)? What are you doing here?"

Your eyes darted to Natasha for help. Peter followed your line of sight to her. She shrugged and hauled her duffel bag further up her shoulders.

"I have a mission. I'll only be gone less than a week. Get groceries."

The elevator arrived in seconds and she went up, likely to the helipad. You both stood there in silence for a moment.

"That's my sister," you admitted.

"Hold on, so you're telling me the person I met sticking to a window was you? The new, awkward kid at my high school?"

"You're awkward too."

Peter began too look a bit uncomfortable just standing in front of you in plain view, like he was suddenly aware of how open he was.

"You were the one following me around the city too. When I'm Spider-Man."

You nodded, gesturing to the living room so you could both take a seat. He was quiet as you went to your room, coming back out with the flash drive you had on him.

"Stark wanted someone to watch you, and he doesn't have many younger options. Then Nick Fury apparently wanted to keep an eye on you, so it all worked out. Natasha talked to him about having me join, and you were supposed to be my mission."

"Then why didn't you tell me? Are we... friends?"

"Yes!"

Peter looked away from you and looked out the window, the same one you both climbed into a while ago. He looked down at the flash drive, his teeth biting his bottom lip. You slowly sat down next to him, being sure to keep some distance away.

"I just didn't know how to tell you. Stark said that I would have been fine if you didn't know who exactly was watching you. I didn't expect to become your friend."

He put the flash drive in between the two of you, sliding it back over. You looked at it, your stomach doing turns knowing that you never would have hurt him if you said something earlier.

"My sister's been training you because I couldn't. I've learned a lot from her, but I've traveled more than she has. And I can adjust my powers to be more like yours. If you'd still want me around, I can teach you more."

Peter stood up, holding his hand out like he was going to shake your hand. You followed suit, holding your hand up for a high five. You both switched your hand positions, then settled for a fist bump that wasn't quite coordinated.

"I know we're both a bit awkward and we don't know how to talk to people normally, but I don't think I'd ever give you up. I'd like to be more than a mission to you."

"Like a friend?"

"Whatever you want."

———

It was easier to be with Peter in the tower. You realised how little you actually know about the building, and the next few days were spent with the both of you walking to the subway together and taking it to where you lived. He always brought you up to Stark's personal floor, to both his and Stark's labs, then to the R&D floors that you stopped exploring ever since your interaction with Tony Stark. He showed you what people were working on if they allowed you both in, and you'd watch him work on projects when he figured he'd procrastinated long enough. Sometimes MJ and Ned would tag along because apparently both you and Peter vouching for them was enough for security to let them through. Of course you had MJ meet your sister. It was a terrifying experience.

You spent weeks training Peter, watching him crawl up walls and do flips with more grace than you ever could and learning from him, but also taking him down much faster than he could ever take down anyone else. He was resilient but needed the training that both you and your sister provided. And even if your sister had been doing this longer than you had, you had abilities she didn't that could match and counter Spider-Man's.

Somehow Peter got even more awkward. He was clumsy, and was only lucky he didn't break things (or his own body parts) because of his powers. You didn't really want to tell him that you knew why. If you didn't have your own response to how he felt about you, he'd think that you were rejecting him. Though conflicted, MJ decided to make that decision for you.

"Ned, wanna come with me to see Ms. Romanov while she's training?" MJ asked, slinging her sweater over her shoulder.

"Uh, I don't really-"

"We have lovebirds to leave alone. Come on."

Ned looked a little torn, considering he had either the option of staying and not letting his two friends talk alone for once or leaving and being constantly terrified of a woman and a teenage girl for hours. You felt he made the worse choice, as he followed MJ. Fool.

"Did you just call Ned a fool?" Peter laughed.

You put your hand over your mouth, but laughed with him anyway. You were both sitting on the same sofa that led to Peter finding out that he was a part of your job. His hand reached yours, putting it on top of where they rested on your lap. He pulled it towards him and held it like romantic couples usually do, with fingers crossed together. It took some struggle because you both moved your hands the same way. Once again, you shared a laugh, though this one was more strained and uncomfortable.

"You like me, Peter," you said, not an ounce of doubt in your words. "I've known behaviour long enough to know. And I like you too, but I'm scared that it's because you're the first friend I've had that wasn't my sister."

"I was supposed to say it first," he pouted. "I had those two leave on purpose!"

You laughed and lightly squeezed his hand.

"I mean, what's life if we're not going to take risks?" he continued. "You decided to go to public school after years of not making friends, and I went on a school trip, got bitten by a spider, and decided not to tell anyone. If it doesn't work out, we can still be friends, right?"

"Nat would force me to stick around you as part of the job. Keeping you around as a friend is just a plus."

"Well, don't think that I'm letting you off the hook for telling me how you feel first. I'm holding you to this." Peter pointed a finger menacingly at you, which you pushed away.

"Sorry for stealing your thunder. And speaking of thunder, Thor's coming in a few hours. You wanna hide his food and blame it on Barton?"

"Hell yeah."

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Ogata Hyakunosuke

Writing Ogata is a mental gymnastics and I have weak ankles. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) 

As a person who hasn’t experienced love (without any exaggeration) in his whole life, Ogata is the worst of all in showing affection, and he will mercilessly tease anyone who will try to do it without manipulative ulterior motive. It is easier for him to comprehend desire for power or use than pure love, so prepare yourself for endless battle with destructive defense mechanisms.

He watches person of interest whenever they do, either openly, brazenly staring or subtly following them with peripheral vision. Ogata doesn’t know why he does it but his eyes are always fixed on their presence. Once some time passed, Ogata actively seeks their attention, he is almost excited to meet their gaze, but only thing they will get of it is a faint crooked smile and awareness of being monitored.

Like in childhood, Ogata continues to hunt but now he has one more purpose. The purpose is to share food with this one specific person. In a big groups, Ogata as always sits away from the group but he moves just a little bit closer to them. Enough to get closer but not enough for others to notice.

Asks what they want. Yes, Ogata straightforwardly asks them if they want anything and if they do what it is. He condescends to putting mind games away and considering their opinion. At least, sometimes. Rarely. But he does it!

And the last one. Ogata tolerates physical affection and later gets adjust to it. Teasing isn’t going away any time soon, but he learns to relax around them without loosing soldier’s alertness. It is a slow process, it takes years for Ogata to learn something so simple, but the results are amazing.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

That friend that got too many sins to ever judge you. Quote “If you tell me you killed a man, I will help you to hide the body” is literal. Ogata laughs loudly after hearing the most cringe-worthy or outright scary stories but won’t ever shame his best friend.

He is the one to offer to go astray together, make problems together, and be petty together. Hardly ever Ogata needs to be bailed out of troubles, but he enjoys living on a knife blade and pulls others along. He lives by the rule “Enemy of my friend is my enemy” and can, without a twinge of conscience, offer to kill someone.

Nicknames and name-calling are common, intentions behind the names are never clear. Is he really trying to insult you or was it a joke? Who knows. Ogata takes pleasure in screwing with other’s people minds.

His best friend has to deal with absence of relationship’s boundaries. Today they are friends, next day Ogata decides to mess around and kiss them, and the day after he is nowhere to be found. Oh, he is definitely the one to suggest to be friends with benefits.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

It is hard to call what he does cuddling but this is what happens when Ogata’s feline side comes into action. As dusk approaches and there is not a single soul around, he gets closer from behind and unceremoniously lays down his head on their shoulder. Sometimes he even lets them sit between his legs so Ogata can press their back into his chest and curl up together. Not a word falls from his lips. If they drop a taunt on how cute or romantic he is, Ogata will immediately move over and frown (early in relationship) or pretend he didn't hear anything (later in relationship). If in a bad mood and his loved one begs for cuddle, he will act all teasingly bitchy just to leave them touched-starved after.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Ogata doesn't really believe that he will live up to the age when normal people want to settle down. His chances to end up in prison or in shallow grave are higher than ever and he is totally okay with it so thought of home comfort never popped up in his head. If his partner brings up this idea, Ogata will deliberately resist it, calling his loved one silly goose that doesn’t know what they are talking about. Good cook and can clean properly if he wants to.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It can go so many different ways depending on his mood and general perception of the person.

In the later stages of relationship as well as if his loved one is the sweetest angel, Ogata would disappear in the thin air. He doesn’t explain reasoning in any of the options but in this one this wildcat tries not to hurt their feelings much. All traces of his presence are erased, and Ogata tries to get away from them as far as possible.

You have to make it hurt to push them away, right? For active and cheerful personalities Ogata has a strategy that provides the worst relationship experiences, small things like avoidance, detachment, feeling of slowly dying passion. When they are about to give up, Ogata himself breaks up with them smiling venomously, as if to say “did you expect anything else in the first place?”

If they are patient and assertive, Ogata will be the pettiest. Strong personality calls for exquisite torture, so prepare yourself for setups, cheatings, direct insults, and smug smirks as he burns down everything they built together.  

If there is no other way out, Ogata will shoot them. It may completely ruin whatever left of his humaneness but he will do it.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He gives the dirtiest look when being questioned about marriage. First of all, idea of commitment disturbs him for a multiple reasons. It brings nothing but an official status, it does not oblige couple to happy ever after, and Ogata is a living proof of this axiom. It is unlikely that he will ever change his mind. Remains faithful in a relationship though, he just does not like the concept of being bound by the vows.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Nowhere close to being gentle. Hasn’t been touched emotionally, and physical gentleness is foreign to him too. The only embrace he knows is holding a sniper rifle at cold night so you can imagine how hard it is for him to be in loving relationship. Ogata asks himself “why are they act so kindly?” almost everyday, he expects misdemeanor, he tensely waits for it, and sighs in both relief and disappointment when nothing happens. When it comes to being physical, from unobtrusive hands-holding to make-out sessions, Ogata tenses up to the point when his whole body turns in the taut string. It is a damn mental work to ease off and he needs a lot of practice.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

What is the hug? What is its purpose? Why would they hug him? What the hell? Yes, Ogata is the worst. When his loved one puts their hands around him, Ogata just… stands here with eyes empty and head up. He does not move a bit, doesn’t flinch, he lets them do the thing but does not participate in the process whatsoever. After few weeks, Ogata hugs them back for the first time, putting his hands higher on their back instead of waist, and holding breath like he is going underwater. He is still awkward, but slowly gets used to their warmness and gentle touch. Sometimes you can hear dull low sound like a sigh escaping his lips when Ogata relaxes enough to close his eyes and gives up to soothing caress.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

If we talk about the time frame, I would say, around 2-3 years, but time is not the most important factor in whole confession. Ogata could never say three magic words in his usual emotionally constrained state so he needs a real kick in the ass to squeeze out more than apathetic “you’re good, whatever”. Near-death experience may be an option but getting absolutely wasted, shitfaced, hammered is way more likely. After consuming ungodly amount of sake, getting in fist fight with Katarou (no worries, no Kantarous were harmed), and falling right in front of his loved one, Ogata claims he needs to tell his loved one something special. Few leading questions and he wistfully admits that he never told them he loves them. Then he passes out. Thanks God, he remembers nothing from that night, so there is another day to confess with a clear head and well thought out text.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

If some careless admirer is hitting on his loved one, Ogata expects his partner to instantly push another person away and explain that they are taken. If pour soul is persistent, Ogata will warn them once and shoot them in the leg if they do not take a hint right away.  

And if his loved one goes around shamelessly flirting with whoever? Ogata will be so pissed, oh boy, you will see how mad he can be. Nobody fucks with him like that, nobody. If they think they are the center of his universe, Ogata will quickly bring them down to earth, ignoring them completely, putting them in danger on purpose, abruptly jumping up as soon as they come for the kiss or hug. He’ll knock this vanity crap out of them with sticks since he doesn’t know how to put carrots to work.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses feel like there is no tomorrow, they are greedy and rough. Ogata, like a natural predator, slowly drives his partner into a corner, squeezes them in the arms, and does not let go even when salty blood oozes from under his teeth. Feral to the fingertips. His partner has to wrap a scarf around the neck since he likes to cover it in small bruises. If we talk about where Ogata likes to be kissed, worth mentioning that he will bite anyone’s fingers off if they try to kiss his empty eye socket. It hurts like hell and bleeds easily, for god’s sake. However, he likes his fingertips kissed, knuckle kisses, and lip kisses. All types of hand kisses give him strange feeling of superiority and dominion.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

No. Just no. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near kids and flatly refuses to have any of his own. Babies, toddlers, or teenagers – they are all the same to Ogata, small versions of adults that require too many resources and for what? To grow up in someone like him? At the same time, he is mediocre in babysitting and can take care of baby, changing diapers or lulling to sleep, but teaching older ones high morals and emotional intelligence is not his forte.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Fortunately or unfortunately, Ogata is difficult to catch in the morning since he wakes up with the first cocks and leaves home quickly for the hunting. Upon awakening his mood is pretty grumpy but it changes to calmly benevolent as he cooks breakfast and thinks about upcoming businesses. It is important for Ogata to put his swarming thoughts in order before greeting his loved one with a peck on the cheek: he does not want to burden them more than usual with talks about the endless nightmares and causes of these bad dreams. After meal, he is ready to get his portion of love or spoil his partner with exclusive attention. Cats are very selective creatures but they are generous with gestures of trust too.  

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Evening is a time of solitude, there is no place for strangers in it. During the day, Ogata overdoses on people so in the evening he wants to stay in the company of a loved one and only them. It doesn’t matter if they drag him to the empty night downtown under the bright light of lanterns or hide him like a favorite toy under the weight of the blanket, he cherishes every second. Evening walk in the garden is his favorite pastime. During cherry blossom season, when gardens turn into a solid pink ocean, Ogata pulls his loved one to sit on his lap so they can both engage in hanami. These short ten days bring peace to his soul and give him belief in a better future with the best person by the side.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Ogata has no problems in opening up, actually. Of course, he knows some people are slick sleuths preying on facts to use in their manipulations but he also understands people do have conversations and exchange information about themselves as ordinary social ritual. Probably, avoids topics like his family and feelings but other that this Ogata can be pretty forthright. He prefers to take it slowly, without much zeal.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Well, sniper has to be patient, but it is unclear if Ogata fits this description. You never know if you have crossed the line (and if you did – when did it happen?) because he knows nothing better than smiling mysteriously and planning your demise in silence. Next thing you know there is a bullet piercing your body, blood is spilled everywhere, and Ogata is far gone because Type 30 rifle is so “excellent for sniping and sharpshooting”. In everyday domestic life, Ogata is quite patient and restrained, never rises his voice, and tries to refrain from direct conflict.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

It varies. On good days, Ogata pays more attention to his partner and what they are doing. If they are having deep conversation, he pulls as much information as possible and immediately thinks where it can be applied it in the future. On the contrary, when in a bad mood, Ogata turns a deaf ear even to words spoken directly to him. It's hard to predict weather he will listen to you or not, so it is not uncommon to hear him repeating your words when you thought Ogata was his usual cold distant self.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Anything that has to deal with emotions, feelings, and confessions because all those things make him both nervous and excited. Actually, first time he confronted them about their feelings and behavior and got confirmation that it wasn’t a dream. Ogata was too tired to provoke them so he sat quietly and listened to whatever they’ve chosen to say in their annoyingly sincere voice. Rational and irrational, critical and non-critical, rude and affectionate. He noticed weird tight sensation in his chest when they murmured something about caring about his stupid cat ass but decided to ignore it. Ogata has little capability of accepting their love and it is not going to change with a wave of a magic wand but he… considers it may be true. It sounds too good to be true though, but he will crawl to them and lie down confused and intrigued.  

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Expects his partner to protect themself in the moment of danger. He is far from knight in white armor trope so do not expect help from above. Ogata refuses to take on the nanny role so his loved one must know basic self-defense or be smart enough to avoid unpleasant situations. In only one case, Ogata can step down from his pedestal and lend a hand: if they are cornered and there is no way out, they will either die or get captured, Ogata will shoot attacker down. After that, he coolly threatens that next time he won't be around to help. Oh, and yes, he has no plans to train them. As the saying goes, help yourself.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Acts like he owes nothing and does minimum because Ogata wants to be asked for nice things. He likes to hear his partner talk to him in pleading voice and see them making puppy eyes, bating eyelashes, even pouting. This is the kind of game that Ogata has mastered so he knows when to stop and act nicely. He has random outbursts of generosity which promise the partner quaint presents and spoiling. Sadly, they do not always coincide with anniversaries: on important dates wildcat is on his best behavior but you can’t be sure prepared surprises will be pleasing. I mean, being with him is as predictable as Russian roulette. Decent in everyday tasks but doesn’t put all of his effort into it.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Instability is his second name. Ogata has never had a purpose in the life, finding ainu gold is his first and last goal and there is not a hint on what will happen after that. It doesn’t cause any discomfort to him and Ogata likes it better this way, so for someone who has a prepared plan of action for next few years his company can be pretty unnerving.

Ogata's views on world are also not to everyone's taste. With a dismissive look at human life, he is reputed to be a cynic, he can go into nihilism headlong and completely reject the remaining moral standards. If his partner is principled and proper, Ogata will attempt to corrupt them and bring down to his own level.

It is not a bad habit, but people hate him. Dozen of cutthroat soldiers want to see Ogata dead so his partner may be a potential target of ill-wishers.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Apparently, he is only concerned about the hair being perfectly slicked back. His clothes are more or less clean but not spotless, shoes are never shiny, but Ogata is indifferent. Scars do not bother him either, and Ogata completely forgets about their existence but the loss of eye had some toll on his ego. Just a little bit. Sometimes it seems that people focus their attention precisely on the missing eye, on bandages, and it both makes him bitter and satisfied: Ogata knows what he is capable of even without half of sight but visible human pity gets on his nerves quite a bit.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

If they decided to break up in the beginning of the relationship, Ogata doesn’t care at all. He may make one or two venomous remarks and that’s all. But if it was much later, after he got intoxicating taste of love? Wow, that’s an explosive mix of feelings we’ve got there. Ogata falls on slippery slope of denial because he had to be one to leave, he had to be in control, not them. He is infuriated, his ego is hurt, and, worst of all, people are aware of it. All that remains for Ogata is revenge in any imaginable form, from distancing to pulling off show how he feels himself even with them not being by his side. His behavior is pretty identical to that listed in Ending paragraph.

If they were killed… Um. Surely, he feels unexplained self-pity but it is better than feeling nothing at all. Ogata is lost. He can’t comprehend what's going on in his soul. From outside it seems like wildcat is the same independent cynical bastard but inside days of numbness alternate with weeks when he is boiling with anger. This malice spills on anyone who tries to get closer and it may pushe him to self-destruction.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

We have already seen Ogata in the company of two geishas (though, I’m thinking, they were yujos), he never slept with one and actually despises the idea of it. Despite the scene with Yuusaku and “brother should have fun together” said, Ogata wouldn’t touch a woman of the same profession as his mother was. He could hate her, or pity, or scorn, but thought of becoming the same as his father makes Ogata sick to the guts. So that scene was an idle play to corrupt the perfect Second Lieutenant, a game that was lost in advance.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Ogata isn’t used to a minimum amount of positive attention so both clinginess and neediness will push him away. It creeps him out if another person wants to be with him 24/7, and constant questions like where he has been and with whom are simply annoying.

Manipulations are okay with him until it comes to hysterias. Load, teary and pointlessly pushy, they make Ogata sick. If you want to manipulate this man, be elegant, be smart. He won’t fall for headlong approach, it will only disgust him.

Dogs. It won’t surprise me if Ogata poisoned a few back in the childhood. They seem stupid and gross in their inexhaustible love for man.  

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Ogata is light sleeper and has problem with people sleeping right next to him. This feature is due to both the profession and personal reasons: there are enough people in the world who would happily break Ogata’s neck while he sees his third dream. Loud snoring in the room is fraught with consequences.

For the same reasons he can’t fall asleep without rifle lying next to him. It became an extension of his hand so Ogata feels kind of defective when it is not around. No, he is not Hijikata, he won’t give his baby to anyone to shoot bottles or some shit.

Extreme amount of dreams is a usual thing for him. Ogata has a ton of nightmares too, but most of the dreams are colorful nonsense about events that happened the day before. Obviously, Yuusaku is a frequent night visitor and his sweet innocent smile forces Ogata jump up in his bed drenched in a cold sweat. He never leaves, he never will.

[miraculouscontent]

I can't be the only one who was bothered by the ending of the latest episode. Not the memory wipe thing, that part was obvious. I mean how smug Cat Noir was when he found out he kissed Ladybug. I swear, every time he says he's entitled to ladybug, I just want to punch him in his smug face. There's no way MC Cat Noir would act like this, right?

*deep breath*

I’m sooooo tired of Chat acting like that. I was already lukewarm at the episode (not because it was “bad” or anything; as I stated early, I have a bias against fanservice and memory loss plots), but that ending made me livid.

Chat is so unbearably smug about the whole thing. They just got their memories back and Chat wastes no time in flirting with Ladybug and insisting that they “make a good couple.” Ladybug is clearly annoyed and tells him to stop, but Chat doesn’t even care.

And you know, this honestly isn’t even out-of-character, nor does it take any “mental gymnastics” to understand the mindset here. Chat has been consistently ignorant of Ladybug’s feelings.

“Prime Queen” is easily the best example (though I could’ve thrown “Syren” and “Frozer” in here too). Ladybug keeps insisting that they’re not a couple, but Chat eggs on the idea that they might be. He continuously stays oblivious to the fact that Ladybug is uncomfortable with the personal questions that Nadja is asking, to the point where Ladybug has to drag him out and Chat still doesn’t get what she’s doing. Even after Ladybug makes it clear why she left, Chat brushes her concerns off and acts like they’re TV stars instead of superheroes. He keeps seeing his superhero status as a luxury and not a job.

And, I don’t know, maybe that’s what he sees Ladybug as too: a luxury. He certainly seems to care when Ladybug is about to be eaten alive (”Animan”) or made to not exist (”Timebreaker”), but when she’s implied to have vague problems of her own (”Glaciator”) or has specific emotional problems, Chat disregards it.

In this episode, once he knows that Alya has a picture of them kissing, Chat just stares down Ladybug with a grin, leans forward, touches her face (which is lowkey rude because Ladybug pulled away in discomfort after she realized they were holding hands post-Miraculous Ladybug), and turns her head to a giggling Alya holding up the picture.

Because of course, Alya doesn’t care either. Ladybug said outright that she loved another boy, but Alya either didn’t hear or didn’t care (which she should because that’s a major scoop), instead posting the kiss to the Ladyblog without context.

(By the way, if I may derail for a bit, that is possibly the most stupid thing Alya has ever done. Ladybug isn’t just some superheroine who Alya doesn’t know on some level. Ladybug trusted Alya with the fox miraculous three times, yet Alya risks throwing that all out the window just to get some views on her blog. Ladybug said that she loved someone else and I simply do not believe that neither Alya nor Nino heard that. Even if they didn’t, no one knows if Ladybug has a boyfriend and that picture would put a giant thorn into everything if she did.)

And Chat just... stares in delight, completely unaware of Ladybug’s feelings and even using the opportunity to brag about how they’re completely meant to be (while Ladybug glares at him, I might add).

Ladybug basically said, “I’m not in love with you,” and Chat responded, “Yes you are.”

That’s not right. That’s not respect. That’s ignoring Ladybug’s feelings for what he wants to see.

Speaking of which, I said before that Chat doesn’t care when he’s loitering around battles because Miraculous Ladybug fixes it, but this scene really proves it.

When Ladybug points out that it’s Chat who got them in trouble in the first place, Chat laughs. He thinks it’s funny. He doesn’t take her seriously because any “trouble” that happens is easily remedied by Ladybug’s powers.

And in that respect, yeah, Chat sacrificing himself can really only benefit him. He’s not needed for Miraculous Ladybug, he looks like a perfect self-sacrificing sweetheart to Ladybug, and all is fixed by the end of it anyway. There are no consequences for him throwing himself into danger when is it blatantly not necessary or there’s a much better and much more obvious solution (”Zombiezou” and “Chameleon”).

So, it makes sense, totally, but that does not mean it puts him in a good light.

Not that it would surprise anyone, but I might as well admit it right now: when I saw that kiss, I felt nothing. It was a completely hollow feeling.

These amnesiac characters spent maybe a half hour together before deciding that they’re in love enough to kiss, and… honestly, I get that. They’re emotional teenagers, they’re isolated, and they’re forced to work together to escape. They saw things that made them believe that they were a couple and it made them much more open and convinced of the idea. Aside from their kwami, they only have each other, and the desperation and want to survive keeps them as a duo.

But they don’t know anyone else. They don’t know their parents. They don’t know their own lives. Ladybug can’t remember the stuff Chat has done to her that made her uncomfortable and annoyed.

They only know each other in the vaguest possible sense because any more than that might not lead to a kiss in the end.

Adding onto the kiss specifically, if all the two know is what they’ve seen during the episode, those aren’t grounds for Chat to kiss Ladybug; it’s more the other way around.

They both know that Marinette has pictures of Adrien in her phone, but they were confirmed to not be a couple (or at least not had their identities revealed yet) by Fu. Adrien saw the video where Ladybug yelled loudly about her and Chat not being a couple, yet once Fu explained that they haven’t revealed each other’s identities, he must’ve brushed off any thought of why Ladybug was so adamant about them not being a couple before getting her memory wiped.

It didn’t matter if he could’ve hurt Ladybug as Chat at some point. It didn’t matter what their feelings for each other were pre-Oblivio. All that mattered is that they were “in love” now and Chat wanted his kiss.

He asked permission, certainly, which is much better than Chat’s standard behavior, but I would much rather them reassuring each other that they’d find a way to fall in love again instead of kissing.

The kiss isn’t anything except for a tool to embarrass Marinette. That kiss will only lessen the effect of a potential true non-amnesia kiss at the end of the series. I talked about it with “Gigantitan,” but showing the audience something they wanted to see yet having it be a lie is just a way to lessen the impact when the real moment happens.

To some degree, I get why this episode exists. It’s almost right in the middle of Season 3, which is around the halfway point if the show is stopping at Season 5.

It’s basically the writers going, “Here’s how things would go without the love square,” and also, “We know there’s still a lot of time until an identity reveal, so we’ll release this to tide people over.

But if they need an episode full of fanservice to tide people over, that’s a blatant sign that they know they’re stalling without substance.

A memory loss episode is the easiest way to appease the fanbase, and I can understand why the fanbase would be appeased. The majority of salt typically agrees that almost all of Season 3 is either garbage or lackluster.

So, naturally, when an episode that has shipping value comes out, right when expectations are at their lowest, of course there would be a reaction.

But I didn’t feel anything. I knew where they were going with the constant teases. The second Chat asked for Ladybug’s permission, I knew that something was going to happen. I knew Chat was going to go nuts and ignore Ladybug’s feelings yet again.

That’s just what Chat does. That’s what he’s done consistently, and I can’t support the supposed dynamic between them when it’s not as balanced as Chat thinks it is. I can’t support the canon love square in any capacity when Chat behaves that way and never learns.

And, to refer back to the anon, no, MC Chat Noir would never act like that. He would’ve shaped up by “Prime Queen” and been upset at Alya for taking a photo of something so personal and without context. Even if he had been thrilled that he and Ladybug had kissed, that moment should be private and between only them; it wasn’t for anyone else to see.

But… ugh, it’s not like I planned to write any sort of fanfic, but I honestly am not sure if I could even have the love square be canon to MC stuff, even if it’s different. I’ll give it a few more episodes or wait until the end of the season, but as someone who’s had personal experiences with being confessed to (and who’s had people assume emotions and disregard anything said otherwise), Chat’s behavior makes me so uncomfortable…

[unseenthewriter]

CHAPTER 5: CHEERLEADING

Chapter 5: 3468 Words

Fic Total: 14556 Words

Series Total: 14556 Words

"Well since you're going to be here for a while Jay you should probably join some sort of club." Dunc said to me during lunch.

I rolled my eyes. "No thanks. I've enjoyed my lack of things to do after school ever since I quit Gymnastics. Besides, I volunteer at PPTH."

"What about cheerleading?" Dunc asked, completely ignoring my reply.

"Are you suggesting this just because you're hoping to be back on the football team next year?" I asked with a smirk creeping up my face.

"What! No of course not." Dunc protested quickly.

"Uh-huh, sure thing." I said.

"I am in remission so fingers crossed I'll be ready for next season." He moved on.

"Yeah, congrats on that." I said.

"Ah well having a Doc like Wilson helps." Dunc said.

"Yeah, he's pretty nice." I mumbled.

"Cute too. You know for a guy his age." He said offhandedly.

I choked on my drink. "What?" I croaked.

"You heard me." Duncan said.

How the HELL do I even begin to respond to that. "You were the one who brought up he's basically my Stepdad." I said.

"Yeah well, your Dad has good taste that's all I'm saying." Dunc said with a shrug.

Wow, I want to curl up and die. Mainly because Duncan is absolutely correct and I hate it. "I need friends who don't think my family is hot." I grumbled.

"Good luck with that." Dunc said.

Jerk.

~~~

I yawned as I stared into my school locker. Princeton Prep is one of those stupid schools that doesn't let you carry around your backpack all day because of the "potential fire hazard". I forgot to grab my history textbook during passing time so that's why I'm here. After grabbing the book I turned around to be faced with a girl. Ivy Adler. Captain of the Cheerleaders. She's not your typical Cheerleading Captain. I wouldn't be surprised if she was a lesbian. "Yes?" I said.

"Lestrade said you were interested in joining." She replied.

Lestrade is Duncan's surname. He's actually mostly called that. Most of the rich boys at the school go by their surnames. Which means most of the boys do because only a handful of us aren't insanely rich. That handful includes me of course. Well sort of… It's complicated. "He says a lot of things." I huffed and started to make my way down the hallway.

"I know about you." Ivy said and grabbed my arm.

"What about me?" I said locking eyes with her.

Ivy glared at me for a minute before continuing. "You could've been an Olympian."

I jerked my arm away from Ivy's grasp. "I doubt it."

After the first motorcycle accident, I struggled a lot more with anxiety. It was starting to bleed into my Gymnastics before I quit. The articles don't talk about that of course because my coach kept the whole thing on the down-low. Doing the more advanced tricks was getting harder for me to do. Not in a physical way but in a mental way.

"You don't need to be an Olympian to join Cheerleading." Ivy said.

I sighed. "I'll think about it. Tell Lestrade to stop talking about me behind my back."

"He never says anything bad." She said.

"Didn't think he did." I said.

~~~

I was sitting at the kitchen counter trying to not cry while doing math homework. Wilson was cooking some pasta dish and I have no idea what House is up to.

Wilson stopped to look at me as I grumbled to myself about secants. "Do you not take notes?" He asked, noticing the clear lack of notes.

"Math is my first class of the day. I'm usually asleep." I said.

Wilson looked worried at that. "I'm fine. I'm an honors student." I said.

"It's a wonder how." Wilson muttered to himself but I decided to let it go.

A few problems later I glanced back up. "You think Dunc will be ready for the next football season?" I asked.

"Duncan Lestrade?" Wilson asked.

I nodded.

"He asked me the same question recently. As long as the cancer doesn't come back he should be. Why do you ask?" Wilson replied.

I sighed. "He wants me to join the Cheerleaders."

"Hmm, House was a Cheerleader." Wilson replied casually.

I blinked. "What?"

"In college." House said while making his entrance. Beelining for the fridge to grab a beer.

I sat there for a minute. Completely thrown off guard. "You were a Cheerleader?" I squeaked.

House took a seat next to me and glanced at my math homework. He made a face of disgust at it. "My leg wasn't always like this."

"That's not what I meant. I mean obviously it wasn't always- Well not obviously. I mean!" I stumbled over my words.

House, of course, was smirking and Wilson must've decided that it can't be possible for me to get more flustered because he decided to drop a bomb on me. "If Duncan is on the Football team and wants you to join the Cheerleaders… Are you two together?"

"No!" I said far too quickly.

House and Wilson were both staring at me.

"We're just friends." Truth. I think.

"I mean I don't even know if he swings that way." Lie. He totally does, he's just never said it outright.

"I'm not into him anyway." Lie. Major lie Jay you totally are.

House chuckled into his beer bottle. He can see through my lies then. I looked back at my math homework. It definitely wasn't going to be finished any time soon so I put it away. "The Cheerleading Captain already cornered me and asked me to join." I said.

"That's pretty quick." Wilson said.

"Yeah, she found out about my Gymnastic past apparently." I grumbled and held my face in my hands while propping my elbows up on the counter. Part of me wonders if I just kept presenting as a girl and stayed in Gymnastics would I have really ended up in the Olympics? Of course, there's always going to be the regret of getting on that motorcycle with my Mom. All the what-ifs in my short life so far. Wilson put a bowl of pasta in front of me and interrupted my thoughts. "Oh, thanks." I said and got up to grab a glass of water.

"Why do you have a voice recorder?" House asked. Great, he's going through my backpack totally chill…

I grabbed the backpack back with a glare. "I record some of the lectures. Mainly when I'm tired." I said and sat back down with my water.

"You record math?" Wilson asked.

"Unfortunately math doesn't transfer too well to just audio recording." I said.

"How'd you get into Princeton Prep?" Wilson asked.

"You're there on scholarship." House said.

Oh, he remembered that. Maybe he kept forgetting my name to annoy me.

"I'm good at forging my Mom's signature and faking her voice. Because she was such a busy person the school was accommodating and never asked to meet her face to face just me because we were from out of state. My grades got me the scholarship." I explained.

Wilson sighed. "Only someone related to you would pull off something like that." He said to House.

"Sounds like they didn't look too much into your Mother then. There's a few easy to find articles online about her death." House said.

I froze. Images of the crash flashed through my mind. Oh, God the blood and-

My fork clattered on the table making me jump. "Right. Yeah, they were idiots." I said quickly.

Wilson looked at me suspiciously but he didn't say anything.

"I'm going to uh finish my math." I said picking up my backpack and making my escape to my room before Wilson or House could say anything.

After closing the door I let the backpack fall to the floor with a thud and stood there for a while. Numb.

Later I sat down and finished my math.

~~~

"Jay wake up." Dunc said.

"Huh?" I mumbled and sat up.

"You really gotta stop falling asleep in class. The only reason the teachers don't wake you up is because you're an honors student." He said.

I stood up and stretched my arms. "I mean I should probably ask House or Wilson about getting a new prescription for my sleep meds but I keep forgetting." I mumbled.

Dunc sighed and led me out of the history classroom. "You need to get to Biomedical Science."

I've already slept in both math and history. Hopefully, I'll be awake enough now. "Yeah got it, have fun in Band." I mumbled. I'll definitely be awake by Choir though.

"Need me to wake you up with my sax?” He joked.

"No, I'm good now." I said walking into the Biomedical Science classroom.

I was about to lay my head down on my desk but I was cornered by Ivy. "After school today, meet me at the gym." She said.

"Why?" I asked.

"I have to see what you can do. It's been 3 years since you've been a gymnast." She said.

"I'm busy." I said hoping that that would work.

"With what? Volunteering at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital? I know your Father works there. I'm sure you can cancel one day." She said.

How the hell does she know that House is my Father? I guess Dunc could've told her but that's a bit much for him. It's not exactly a secret that I'm at PPTH all the time but my last name is Flynn.

Ivy sighed clearly noticing the gears turning in my head. "You don't know who my Mother is do you?" She asked.

"Uh no I don't really have the time to look into other people's lives." I shot back.

She rolled her eyes. "She's a lawyer. A Dr. Rose King is trying to sue Dr. Gregory House for custody of you."

I blinked. "Sorry what?"

Ivy faulted for a second. "Did you not know?" She asked.

I slumped further into the desk. Of course, she'd try to pull something like this. King has her own kid now for God's sake why can't she just leave me alone! Can't I get a break? "No, I didn't." I said.

Our teacher walked in and yelled at people to sit down.

~~~

I've never been one to skip school but there's a first time for everything. I managed to slip out during lunch. Not that it's that hard to do or anything it's more getting back in but I'm not planning on doing that anyway.

Dr. Cuddy was unfortunately in the lobby and spotted me instantly. "Jay?" She said looking confused and slightly worried.

"I need to speak to House." I said through gritted teeth.

Cuddy set down the file she was holding. "How about we talk in my office for a minute, it's been a while." She said.

I wanted to say no and march my way up the stairs straight to House's office but honestly my nerves were starting to wear thin. Anxiety about having to confront House. I just nodded and followed her.

After Cuddy closed the door to her office she spoke up. "You look terrible."

Yeah I've been getting barely any sleep and my uniform is a mess right now. I took a shaky breath. "I know."

"What's he done?" Cuddy asked.

I sighed. "Look it's complicated." I don't really want to talk to Cuddy about this. I don't want to talk to House about it either but you know…

"I almost didn't think it was possible for you to get angry." Cuddy said.

I guess that makes sense. For the most part I'm a pretty passive person sure I can be a bit of a sarcastic shit sometimes but when it comes down to it I normally back out of a fight. "Everyone has their limits." I grumbled and made my way to the door.

"Jay." Cuddy said, stopping me. "He does care about you."

I froze for a second. If he does he doesn't show it very well.

~~~

House was asleep in the chair near the door when I got to his office. I didn't wake him, instead I just sat at his desk and gathered my thoughts while messing around with the tennis ball.

My phone kept vibrating in my blazer so after a while I took it out. Dunc has been wondering where I am. I scowled slightly and turned off my phone. That's when I noticed House was awake. We stared at each other for a few seconds before he spoke up. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Yes." I said.

A few seconds of silence. "You found out." He said.

"Were you going to tell me?" I asked, trying to not let the anger creep into my voice.

A few more seconds of silence. "Eventually." House said.

I closed my eyes, still trying to keep my calm. "You didn't think I needed to know that the person I hate most in the world wants custody of me?" I asked.

More silence. I opened my eyes to House still  formulating a response. I noticed Dr. Taub idling near the door but I shot him an icy glare so he ran off while paging someone. "There's more than just the plane crash." House finally said.

I scoffed and stood up. He's right of course there's more to the history of me and Dr. Rose King but that isn't what this is about. All House cares about is finding out about the things that I keep hidden for a reason. "Of course that's what you jump on. Did you ever think for a moment just a moment that I came to talk to you about this not because I wanted you to ask me some more God Damn prying questions but MAYBE because I'm worried. I mean fuck I've never skipped school in my life before House. At least I had one decent parent as a kid." I exclaimed and stormed out shoving my way past Wilson who had just gotten to the door.

~~~

I wasn't even entirely sure how I ended up at the park. I knew I didn't take my car so I either took the bus or walked. Probably walked. I've been trying to clear my head not that it's been working too well. I found a park bench and sat down. My exhaustion suddenly hit me. Not just physical but emotional. I blinked a tear from my eye and fumbled my phone out of my blazer. I kinda expected it to be blowing up by now. Oh, right I turned it off in House's office. I waited for it to reboot.

I'm just so tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. Every time I think things might be okay for a bit something else happens. Can't I get a break? Can't I just get a normal life?

The texts and calls that I missed started to come in. Mostly from Dunc and Wilson but I was surprised to actually see a few from House. I blinked my eyes a few times to try to stay awake and texted Wilson saying where I was. I slid the phone back in my pocket and sighed.

"Jay!" Wilson said, making me jerk awake.

"Sorry." I mumbled and stood up. I was cold makes sense it's getting close to winter. I really shouldn't be doing something like this. Thankfully Wilson had grabbed one of my coats and gave it to me. I put it on.

"We are just glad you're okay." Wilson said.

I followed him to his car. My brain was still taking a bit to process things. He said We. That means him and House. Huh. Maybe Cuddy was right.

I had slumped in the passenger's seat almost instantly. Wilson was checking on me every few minutes as he drove.

"Dr. King never adopted you; she has no legal claim for custody. You shouldn't worry." Wilson said.

"I just want something in my life to not fall apart for once." I mumbled.

We spent the rest of the ride in silence.

~~~

The thing about living with two Doctors is that you're able to get Doctor's Notes fairly easily. So skipping school didn't actually end up being a problem. I just was like "Oh I forgot I had these Doctor's appointments!" And they were fine with it. I had to promise Wilson it wouldn't happen again but I'm not planning on it so that was fine. Dunc and Ivy didn't believe it though.

"You totally confronted your Father didn't you?" Ivy asked after I walked into the gymnasium. I spotted Dunc in the bleachers.

"Nah, definitely not ask Dunc I avoid confrontation like the plague." I lied.

"Dunc?" She asked.

He looked up from his homework. "He doesn't like calling me Lestrade and Jay definitely hates confrontation."

I set down my backpack and blazer on the bleachers next to Dunc.

"Are you going to refuse to call me Adler too?" She asked.

"Adler. Adler? Adler… yeah, no Ivy is better." I said while unbuttoning my dress shirt.

Ivy huffed. I stood in front of her. "Ready for your try out." I said.

Ivy raised an eyebrow. "You doing it in those pants?" She asked.

"Done it before and I'll do it again." I said and winked at Dunc who was half watching. He gave me a thumbs up.

She sighed. "Fine let's go."

The try out went smoothly. I could tell Ivy was impressed even though she was trying to hide it. It's actually the most fun I've had in a while. Dunc was recording quite a bit of it and thought I didn't notice. I'll have to ask him for the video later.

"You definitely aren't out of practice." Ivy said once we finished.

"Ah, something about flying through the air there's nothing quite like it." I said as I was putting my dress shirt back on.

Ivy nodded. "I'll have a talk with the rest of the team and get back to you." She said and left.

I sat down next to Dunc. "I lied." I said.

"I know." He said without looking up from his homework.

Jeez, does he know me that well already? "I still can't believe I actually did it honestly."

Dunc set his homework down. "How'd it go?" He asked.

"I dunno." I said.

"You don't know?" He pressed.

I sighed. "I kinda stormed out but it was interesting because it's the first time I've ever heard that House has been worried about me."

"Ah well, I don't envy you tonight." He said.

Yeah, I'm really not looking forward to getting home tonight. Things are super awkward right now.

"Hey, do you know if Ivy's a lesbian?" I asked, changing the subject.

Dunc raised an eyebrow. "I assume so but I think she's still closeted. Why?"

"Just curious." I said.

"Well, you're not her type. Even if she does like dudes." Dunc said.

"Oh okay, then hot shot what's Ivy Adler's type." I mocked.

"Jocks." He said simply.

Ah well, he's got me there. I'm more of a nerdy twink. "Oh, she's one of those people." I said.

"Oh, really what's your type?" Dunc asked.

"I don't know man! I've been a bit busy too figure that stuff out." I said.

"Right sure thing." He said sarcastically.

I huffed.

~~~

I had hoped that coming home after 10 PM would mean that I'd avoid House and Wilson but apparently not. They were on the couch watching TV when I walked in. Well, House was. Wilson was asleep with his head in House's lap. "Where have you been?" He asked quietly enough so that Wilson didn't wake up.

I kinda stood there for a second with a deer in the headlights look. "I had Cheerleading tryouts and after that, I had quite a bit of studying to catch up on." I replied. I never really expected House to be the "Where have you been?" Type Parent… My Mom yes totally. House? No. It's actually quite funny because my Mom never really questioned me when I turned up home late but she seemed like the type of parent that would.

"He okay?" I asked pointing at Wilson.

"He's been having migraines today." House said.

"Oh that sucks." I said. Didn't realize he got those.

"Well, I can see you're on the verge of falling apart so you're not doing any better." House retorted.

I didn't even protest that. He's right. I stood there blankly for a minute. "I'm sure it'll be fine." I mumbled before making my way to my room.

I was surprised to see a bottle of sleep medication on my nightstand. Prescribed for me by House. I guess he found out then. Finally got a decent night's sleep.

AN: FINALLY got Ivy now! Next Chapter introduces Bill so after that we’ll have all of the main cast! Also thank you everyone who is reading this I’m having fun writing but I always love when I have readers :)

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Concentrate on Her Boobs (Ignore the Snake)

After I discovered Kristina had lied, I fell into a creative abyss that lasted for months. I couldn’t write. I didn’t want to. All I wanted was to self-isolate and dream of ways to punish myself for my stupidity. Kristina had told me one hell of a tall tale, but I couldn’t silence the voice in my head that told me I was partially to blame for what happened or break free from the clutches of guilt that restrained me, making it impossible to move beyond the catfish experience and handle the emotions that swelled up within me because of it.

The walls of the abyss bore scars from my bad habits. I saw both ancient and unfinished hieroglyphics of my porn addiction -- picture Cleopatra and Mark Antony going at it in the world’s first sex tape, recorded around 43 BC -- and streaks of hand chalk left behind from thousands of hours of mental gymnastics -- time spent rehearsing rather than facing my problems. 

I felt the slaps in the face from Zs. that came after I hadn’t run the vacuum or cleaned our apartment exactly the way she wanted. I knew I was in trouble, but I couldn’t run to the cops with a battered fiancée story and expect them to believe me. I toughed it out with Zs. much longer than I should have. “If this is love,” I thought, “I’ll just hard pass on the real thing, and focus on getting hard in front of the laptop. There, I can find men and women doing to each other anything I want to see. It won’t cost me a dime of either monetary or emotional investment. The best part is, they won’t yell at me or shut me out.” 

I remembered the conversation I had with a stranger in 2005, on a plane from Oklahoma City to St. Louis. At the time, I was despondent over losing my best friend. There was no way the stranger could have known it, but our conversation saved my life. When I got back to my small studio apartment in Ohio, I looked at myself in the mirror and held a knife to my throat for several minutes; I seriously considered ending it all with one slashing motion. 

I couldn’t do it.

Why? 

I thought about my mom, my grandpa, and the stranger who cared. 

Further down, I saw some words of the notes from the girlfriend I had in seventh grade scrawled on the walls. I saw Sasha’s hand passing Maria’s messages to me at the end of each of those three strange days. 

Despite having been largely scratched out and drawn over through the years, I could read bits and pieces of Maria’s note from the first day. She said we should go to the movies and not to worry because her mom would be able to drive us. I heard the voices of my football-player classmates whispering, encouraging me to sit next to Maria in her junior-high cheerleader outfit at lunch.

I didn’t have the balls to make a move. I decided to deal with the tension of the unknown by busting a nut (a favorite pastime) as soon as I had a moment alone. I should have leaned into the experience and absorbed it rather than opting for a momentary sexual release. 

And on the third day, they became friends.

I should have thought of my first real breakup as an opportunity to become a better, more attractive man. Unfortunately, I took the easy road -- a road I’d travel almost every day for the next twenty-five years. Instead of honestly dealing with what I was feeling and why I wrapped myself in the cocoon of my CD collection and the isolation of my room. 

I felt my hands shaking on the day of my First Holy Communion, as I held the challis containing what only minutes earlier had been cheap wine or grape juice. Through transubstantiation, they said, it wasn’t Welch’s I was drinking; it was the precious, soul-saving blood of Christ. The story in that book of basic instructions before leaving earth would have had me believe that Jesus died for my sins even though we’d never met. 

If my tremors and stage fright (somebody in my family had a camcorder) were any indications, I wasn’t all-in. More than likely, I just wanted it to be over.

And on the third day, he hesitated.  

I thought Kristina was going to fix all this and more. It was a task as tall as the tale she told me to get me hooked. Despite my initial and lingering reservations, I was prepared to act in real life as though what she’d told me exclusively online was the truth. Unwittingly, through social media, I’d given her the tools to craft a 50 Shades of Dave story, a yarn of Literotica I couldn’t resist because she’d spun it specifically for me. My ego loved it. It was like having my life read back to me with erotic episodes I’d desired for as long as I could ejaculate spliced in. I may have lived the bare bones of the story, but (one speech bubble at a time) Kristina and I added the sexual tension that made it fly off my mental shelves.  

Our interaction was as white-hot as it was brief. After it was over, what kept me falling further and further into the abyss was not so much wondering why Kristina did what she did, as it was defining and accepting the part I played in my own unraveling, long after Kristina had moved on to her next target. I’m almost positive the buzzing noises I heard coming from her phone during some of our conversations were not the sounds of siblings concerned for their sister but of the cat(fish)woman tearing her hooks into the virtual flesh of other would-be lovers.

Eve may have pointed her man toward the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge at the serpent’s urging, but Adam still took a bite of the apple. Yes, God conveniently forgot to warn Adam about the temptation of Eve, but Adam did nothing to stop it. He just stood there. When he realized he was naked after taking a bite of the apple, he didn’t own up to it, he ran off. 

Such is the power of a woman’s love over a man, whether she truly feels it or not. if a man is willing to act as if his woman is the only woman in the world (even if she was at the time), she wins. At that point, she should run off too. I’m not saying women are evil, only that Adam failed the world’s first shit test. Eve, intentionally or not, conquered her man. I’d guess that all she wanted was to conquer someone who could not be so easily conquered. Kristina conquered me. Like Adam, I didn’t stand up to temptation. Instead, I looked for validation in her. Like Adam, I didn’t find it. When the jig was up, Adam hid in the bushes, I hid within myself. 

I didn’t send her any money (she never asked), so I didn’t suffer an embarrassing financial loss. What played in my head on repeat (like my childhood copies of Nirvana’s Unplugged in New York and Soundgarden’s Superunknown that I loved to lose myself in) were questions like: “How could I have been so blind?” I didn’t want to tell my family or friends that I’d not only lusted after a woman I’d never seen but also fallen almost entirely under her spell from half a world away.  

I didn’t want to own up the fact that I felt like both a victim and a participant in a blatantly obvious love scam, a type of fraud I’d once been dedicated to preventing, a type of fraud I swore would never happen to me. The easiest thing to do was fall back on old habits (watching porn, waiting for something, anything, to happen on screen or off) and let good ones (working out frequently and cooking a lot of my own meals) go. That’s what I almost did. 

I wanted nothing more than to avoid responsibility and revert back to a shy, awkward teenager who had a ton of potential but was squandering it away one ejaculation at a time. I wanted nothing more than to be a thirty-eight-year-old Peter Pan. I felt I already had the part about eschewing the challenge a relationship with a real, good-quality woman (like Peter Pan does with Wendy) down pat. Kristina had been my Tinkerbell.  

If I’d followed my originally scheduled timeline, I would have quit my job almost exactly three weeks to the day before I started working from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, a time that has challenged family and economic structures alike. 

After about a month, I slowly began to open up to those around me about what had happened. I still felt like a dumbass, but finally getting the experience off of my chest eased the pain of lovesickness. I began to write Words and Fishes by hand, in the college-ruled platypus notebook Matt had given me for Christmas. At the start, I wasn’t as consistent with writing as I’d told myself I would be. Reliving the whole experience with Kristina was the last thing I wanted to do, which was exactly why I needed to do it. Before I could truly move on, I needed to sink as deeply as possible into the wound she left (as well as any others I’d find along the way) then claw my way back to the surface of my reality.  

The demons you face down don’t stay down without a fight. 

As one page grew into two, two into three and so on, began to feel like a bigger fraudster than Kristina. I realized that despite my largely stoic exterior, I would close the curtains, open my laptop, and consume my favorite wounded-soul food at the slightest sign of adversity. I’d have conversations with myself, out loud, about my nonexistent relationship with my dad instead of truly setting myself free from his expectations. I’d curse myself for setting free my dying cat and letting her live out the last of her days unencumbered, as she was meant to. 

Why?

This was what I’d always done. 

I’d always let the stories of the abyss circulate in my mind without demanding anything in return. Maria didn’t break my heart at thirteen, Kristina didn’t almost shatter me at thirty-eight. Sure, they may have ripped off Band-Aids covering my wounds, but I lost both games before I could play long enough to skin my knee. 

Why?

I wasn’t living my life the way I was meant to and I knew it. The streaks of chalk on the walls from years of mental gymnastics didn’t get there by themselves. I used to spend hours in mental preparation for a war that would never come. I valued the mental reps I’d give myself so much because they made me feel like I’d accomplished something without demanding that I actually do anything. Maybe that’s why I was such a good storyteller. I knew the stories I told would live only in Neverland and only as long as I was telling them. Maybe I decided I didn’t have to face my reality as long as I could create another one, even if those weren’t the words I would have used to describe my storytelling as a kid. 

By early May, I was starting to feel like I’d put most of the experience behind me. I didn’t delete the conversation Kristina and I had from Google Hangouts because I thought I might want to look back at it during the process of writing Words and Fishes, but I’d finally stopped letting an every-waking-minute obsession with analysis permeate all my thoughts. That is until I got that email: a message that convinced me Kristina was back with a vengeance. Had she sold my email address on the black market? Were the seeds of my online stupidity finally beginning to bear fruit in the real world?  

The email said someone had used an Apple ID associated with my email address to log in to an iPhone 11 in Sydney, Australia. I had three immediate problems with this:

1.) I don’t have an Apple ID. 2.) I've never been to Australia. 3.) My email address didn't exactly match the one listed in the message, so why was I getting it?

Even though Kristina said she lived in Western Australia; even though I’d avoided a potential financial loss by not sending her any money, I’d also convinced myself that catfish didn’t let their prey go easily. For months, I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop. After such emotional “bonding” Kristina probably considered me an easy mark. 

Around the same time, I started getting breaking news and other email alerts from The Mercury, a daily newspaper published in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia. Rather than unsubscribing or reporting spam straight away, I let my mental gymnast have more time on the mats. 

If Kristina really did sell my email address on the black market, what else did she sign me up for? What else will be waiting for me in my inbox?

During my darkest days after the fantasy I’d constructed with Kristina disintegrated, I went so far as to seriously entertain the idea that she may have been involved in human trafficking. Kristina may not have asked me for money, but she did ask me to come to Australia with her. Catfish do what they do for a reason, right? I began to believe that had I agreed to come with her, I could have easily been abducted at either the JFK or Perth airports by someone promising to take me to Kristina. It may read like a scene from a Hollywood movie, but so did almost everything else Kristina and I talked about. 

Eventually, cooler (bigger) heads prevailed. After some basic online searching, I decided the most likely explanation for the Australian emails I was receiving was a simple typo rather than a sinister plot. Since the format of the email address mentioned in those emails was so close to mine, I reasoned that whoever linked it to an Apple ID and subscribed to emails from The Mercury had remembered the email address they wanted  (mine) when they created their account instead of the one they actually got. 

If only the story ended there. 

Almost a month later, I got another scare in Words With Friends. One Sunday morning, a random opponent started a game with me. She didn’t have any all-time wins since she’d only started playing that same day according to her stats. What she did have was a very provocative profile picture, one that seemed too good to be true. I found it hilarious, and texted Ana (an opponent with whom I’ve struck up a friendship over years of playing), to tell her about my latest challenger, who claimed to be none other than Angela White.

Angela White seemed like a generic or stage name. Ana Googled the image and found that it matched one of Angela White, an Australian (of course) porn star.

Angela wore a black, skintight, one-piece bathing suit. The look on her face would have surely led straight to the type of temptation they warned me about in Catholic school. 

Across her shoulders was a massive African Rock Python, the kind of snake only an expert (or idiot) would handle. God may have been taking a break from watching humanity trash the planet to stand behind the camera for the temptation of Angela, which was as much an updated twist on the temptation of Eve as a symbol of both the excess and accessibility of such temptation in the modern age.  

The snake’s head was positioned in such a way that it could have easily deflated one of Angela’s gargantuan breasts (gifts from God or work of surgeon hands, with one strike).  

Ana saved me from another round of mental gymnastics by texting me something I’ll never forget as long as I live: “concentrate on her boobs, ignore the snake😂”. She later admitted that this was something she sent me without thinking. It was perfect. Following Ana’s advice, I concentrated on Angela’s boobs for one move before I reported whoever was really behind the profile as an impersonator, which ended the game. 

Just like Eve, I should have ignored the snake. Just like Adam, when presented with a beautiful woman, I didn’t. The image represented my struggle to reclaim my humanity and masculinity when presented with challenges of either God’s or my own creation.

I had no choice but to make a choice. I chose to rise to the occasion once and for all. 

[psychic-refugee]

Author’s Commentary: Answering Anon

Anon: I have two questions, although one of them may have been answered in the first authors commentary; Firstly, considering most of their timelines are almost centuries apart, how does having all the Disney villains co-exist actually work? Are they immortal? But if they are, and that’s attributable to their magical powers, shouldn’t having the dome prevent them from being immortal?

Secondly, this is more to do with a conspiracy theory regarding Aladdin and his timeline. Many people suspect that Aladdin is set centuries into the future, will this play any effect in your stories? And what is your stance on this theory?

Ok, I have two timelines that I accept as “headcanon.” One for LOE and another for the franchise as is.

LOE: The timeline ignores the original Disney movies in any incarnation (e.g. 101 Dalmatians-Animated Movie (1940’s) and 101 Dalmatians Live Action (1990’s)). I created the Fae Wars as an impetus for all conflicts of each villain happening in the same ten year span (1988-1998). I ignore basically any timeline for each movie, and just place them all happening around the same time/concurrent. So it’s modern Northern Wei, Agrabah, etc…So nothing happens in any pre-industrial revolutionary time period for any of the kingdoms. This also includes 101 Dalmatians, which originally takes place in the 40’s/50’s. The only exception being Sleeping Beauty since Audrey specifically mentioned the 100 yrs the castle is asleep because of the curse. But even that is brought forward to 1872 rather than 1697. LOE’s timeline is explained in the first chapter of Author’s Commentary.

I chose to create my own timeline to fix all the inconsistencies and plot holes of having so many of the stories take place in different times and the total nonsensical reasons the franchise came up with. I thought it was neater, and I wanted to give more legitimacy to banishing the villains rather than trying to make “we decided to raise dead villains who have been dead for decades or even centuries because of reasons…but we’re not going to address how their heroes are also alive at the same time…” work. If they had to raise dead villains who had lived so long ago, then at the same time they must have also raised dead heroes. If that’s not the case, I also didn’t want to try to make anyone immortal. So by having all these villains be contemporaries of each other, we get rid of raising the dead issue and every villain was captured rather than dying.

I think this also gives more legitimacy to uniting the 18 Kingdoms rather than they “voted” to have one king randomly one day. King Adam is seen as the spearhead that united the kingdoms to defeat magical foes, so it assumes that every kingdom was at war with their respective villain at the same time. It does kind of water down each kingdom’s hero’s accomplishments (defeating their own villain on their own), especially for Mulan but unless I wanted to get rid of the United Kingdoms altogether, I couldn’t really see a way around it. I just can’t see 18 individual kingdoms and their monarchs willing to give up their own sovereignty unless they were in dire straits.

Franchise: For non-LOE timelines, if I HAVE to explain the tech differences but still at the same time have these nations on the same continent AND the heroes/villains are still alive then my explanation would be each kingdom was on its own independent technological evolutionary path but still contemporaries of each other. And again, I think making anyone immortal is just silly. Long lived? Sure, for the fae. For humans, that makes no sense or would need the help of magic which Auradon is against. Anyone immortal? No, just no. It’s fine if that’s what other people want to do but for LOE or my own personal headcannon, it’s just convoluted and makes things messy.  

If we take the franchise and original Disney animated movies as is, then it suggests that FGM raised villains that have been dead for centuries if not longer to all live on the Isle…because in their modern view, dying wasn’t “punishment enough.” Or they have some warped sense of charity and think they’re giving villains a second chance…to live in poverty with no parole? Yeah, the lack of logic in the franchise hurts my brain.

East Riding/London I see as naturally magic free (since 101 Dalmatians never mentioned magic). So I would see their need to develop technology as greater than a kingdom who could use magic for their needs. I would also assume that Auradon is vast enough where East Riding was isolated, and that would explain why they had the tech AND other kingdoms did not follow suit. There is also the possibility where kingdoms, like Camelot Heights, were slow to accept this advanced tech even if they were aware of it.

I would also assume that any nation or city named in Auradon that also shares a name in the real world (e.g. Greece and New Orleans) is not the same entity. Two reasons I assume this are a) the tale of Disney Hercules and Real World Hercules are vastly different. Chiron vs. Phil, Good Father Zeus vs. The Worst Person Ever Zeus, and Chill and Boring Hades vs. Hot Head Hades.

I know with Disney they have to make these changes because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to use any Greek or Roman myth ever, but I use it as a convenient excuse to say they were different worlds. lol

With New Orleans, in Auradon it’s called Bayou de Orleans and there’s the presence of Maldonia, a country not seen in the Real World. So that to me says New Orleans in Auradon is its own separate entity from Real World New Orleans in the United States of America.

So given this, we do not have to adhere to strict timelines where in the Real World they happened on such and such date. These entities can have whatever date we want to give them, or at least be open to interpretation.

There is an interdimensional displacement theory that sort of explains the timeline difference. It states that each kingdom was part of its own dimension, somehow and for some inexplicable reason they all merged to create Auradon.

Some think this is canon, I am not one of those people. I don’t think it’s supported whatsoever in any media and in general makes no sense and causes more problems than it would solve. I go over many of the issues with this theory in chapter 7.

I do not know this Aladdin is in the future theory in depth, I think it has to do with goofy anachronistic jokes on Genie’s part (e.g. mimicking Groucho Marx and stating he's been trapped for 10k years). I think you could make it work but that’d be more exposition, mental gymnastics, and research I’m not willing to do. lol. So no, I do not plan to use this theory for LOE or any story yet.

I do not know of any other theory for the timelines, I think most are happy to just go with it and ignore any conflicts with the original Disney movies and the Descendants timelines. But the two (I think even the one for LOE could work for other non-LOE stories) I came up with I think make the most sense. But I'm also open to more timeline theories if anyone has them.

[smokeybrandcompositions]

One Goddamn Weekend

Boy, did i have myself a weekend, man. SO. MANY. ISSUES. That ain’t even MY issue! Look, i get the attraction to crazy chicks. I do. The woman i love is a special kind of nuts. The thing is, though, she wants to be better. She takes steps to cope and heal. I understand it’ll never be good but it’s much better than it use to be. The pain never goes away, i know that from experience, but you learn to deal, if you want to deal. My brother’s chick? nope. Se flat out doesn’t WAN to be better. At all. She wants to spazz out, throw tantrums like a child, and then expect everyone to just ignore the fact she’s been intentionally destructive and console her shenanigans. It’s wild. Keep in mind, this chick is 19, legal adult.

Friday

Chick tried to actively convince me that my little brother, a kid i raised myself and her current boyfriend, dosed her with stimulants because he wanted someone to be awake with him. And she just sad okay. See, this scenario is faulty. My brother would never unknowingly dose someone with any thing because it’s a scummy ass move. He’ll share what he has with you if you ask, letting you know there might be a little extra in it because he’s not trying to go to jail. She rinks it and promptly stays up all day, after staying up all night at work. She also had to work that Friday night, too so No sleep for the wicked. i guess.

My brother is kind of the complex handyman now so he ha to run around all day getting stuff to fix things. This chick inserts herself into this situation because she can’t be without him for more than an hour without melting down. She immediately tries to take everything over because she’s kind of overbearing that way. This grates on my brother’s nerves and she takes it as a slight, like he’s not being attentive to her feelings. She’s literally interrupting his job. He gets back home, upset, but tolerates her as he fixes this house.

His friend shows up to take him to another kind of a celebration/birthday party for a cat we haven’t seen in a month because he’s been training as a firefighter. As he gets ready to go, she’s like, “Cuddle me for five minutes.” My brother said “No” because he was on his ride’s schedule. This turns into some ridiculous argument and she throws a tantrum. My brother leaves because who the f*ck wants to deal with a child, right? So she comes in and makes this MY f*cking problem. Literally yelling and crying an punching walls and sh*t. For hours. HOURS.

Eventually, my brother comes back to deal with this sh*t becuase i told him to come back and deal with this sh*t. So, instead of talking this nonsense out like a rational adult, She f*cking takes all of her anti-depressants and runs off toward the bridge. She’d rather kill herself than act like a goddamn adult. but not really. The entire time she was off running toward her great plunge, she kept looking back to see if anyone was following her.

No one was following her.

I’ve known this chick since December and in that time, i have personally talked her off of/picked her up from this suicide bridge 4 goddamn times. She’s not going to kill herself. She doesn’t have the heart to o it. This is all literally theatrics and emotional terrorism. The thing is, my brother and i, we don’t have emotions like that. I told her that when she first said she wanted to be with my brother. Literally sat her down and explained to her that we are not these other cats she’s dated. We do not care if you want to spazz out and act an ass. That sh*t doesn’t solve anything and it just makes you look like an asshole. So my brother leaves again. Blocks her calls. tells her to make a decision. SO she calls me. I literally tell her the same thing. When she realizes no one is biting, she comes home an tries to “throw up” these pills.

She didn’t throw-up an pills. Chick literally sat next to the toilet until she heard the volume on my TV come back on and then started wretched so loud it drowned out my TV. So i just turned it up. Honestly, i don’t think she took any of the pills. i confiscated the bottles and they were both pretty full but i digress. Who am i to call bullsh*t on someone’s suicide attempt.

Bullsh*t.

So she spazzes out all night. Literally didn’t get any sleep until the next morning. Missed work because i didn’t get enough rest over this chick’s nonsense. it was f*cking stupid. all night, man. My entire friday night was litstening to her sob about how my brother is the worst.

She cried to her best friend about it. Her ex-boyfriend (who beat and choked her regularly) about it. My brother’s best friend. Literally anyone who would listen? defamation on my brother’s name. It was f*cking ridiculous. All night. in between fits of ugly sobbing. and punching my walls. and breaking sh*t. All night, man. Which leads me into Saturday!

Saturday

My brother comes home Saturday morning and she storms out of the room. After screaming at him at the top of her lungs. my brother, sensing there is no sense to be had, goes to sleep. He takes offense to this and runs into the arms of a guy who she tried to f*ck before.

I wake my brother up to finish this job and ask where his chick is. He doesn’t know. She's grown. Assumed she’s doing adult things. Nope. She’s being as petty and childish as possible. Literally with his friends, salting his name. all goddamn day. My brother doesn’t care. Cat’s gonna shoot they shot. If she let’s it in, she’s not worth. If she doesn’t she’s a keeper. Simple as that. Not to this chick. She wants him to be violently jealous and fight his friends. Whom he’s known for DECADES. Over her. Come on, man?

So she comes home with an attitude. My brother decided to leave and take care of some other stuff. She sat here and stewed in her own stupid f*cking feelings. For hours. Hours. 10 o clock rolls around and she loses it. My brother has apparently been gone for 8 hours or some sh*t at this point and that’s just TOO much for her. HE was actually trying to get the car he bought her fixed and mobile this entire time, mind you, a fact which he told her. several times. Does this matter? nope. Straight nuclear, this chick goes.

From 10 pm Saturday night until 7 am Sunday morning, i sh*t you not, violent sobbing and tantrums. ALL. F*CKING. NIGHT.

In this time, an entire work shift, she spazzed out and blamed my brother for her depression spiral, shot self esteem, paranoia, the loss of her job, and various other things that are a result of her directly making stupid f*cking decisions. The logic gymnastics were amazing and stupid. She punched walls, broke bottles, and cut herself apparently. The performance was full of stupid and passion, i’ll give her that.

After a rocky start to Sunday morning, she calmed down a bit. i guess. i don’t know. i ignored her for most of the day. Couple hours pass, i think we good. Wrong.

Motherf*cking SUNDAY, man

Apparently there’s beef with some cat my brother knows. Threats were exchanged over the internet. chick is getting mad hype for no reason, like almost frothing at the mouth. Culminates into cats getting pulled up on. My brother asked me to drive him out to this cats job, to which i laughed in his face. F*ck no, i’m not doing that. the hell i look like? Eventually, the dude in question with the problem actively apologizes and squashes the beef. My brother agrees. Situation deescalated and done with. For this chick though? NOPE.

She’s DISAPPOINTED there’s no bloodshed. She’s mad at my brother for SQUASHING the beef. Motherf*ckers were threatening him with straight up maiming and murder and he took that situation down to 0 and she’s mad? the f*ck man??

Chick is literally running around here calling my brother a b*tch in so many words, questioning his manhood, disrespecting him in front of anyone in earshot. She’s on the phone with her friend, who has been abreast of the situation and is actively telling her to calm down, that she’s in the wrong, but nope. Her words, and i quote, “F*ck that, i’ll go to jail tonight! motherf*ckers forget b*tches is crazy!”

Like, the situation is over and she won’t LET IT BE OVER. My brother has fixed everything this chick f*cked up this weekend but she is just not letting it go. She’s not letting it stay fixed. Why?? Why won’t this just take??

Look, i get it. Mental illness is a motherf*cker. I know for a fact it is. I’m a high functioning sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Like, i could be an active serial killer if i wanted. I don’t because i check my crazy. i don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to function as best i can as a person. and that’s the key.  I don’t use my issues as an excuse to be reckless, disrespectful, and cruel. This chick though? this 19 year old child? nah. This chick is f*cking ridiculous and she’s unapologetic about it. Absolutely refuses any semblance of responsibility. I took her in to give her a solid place where she could grow and get better. she’s done everything in her power to turn that olive branch into f*cking splinters in ONE GODDAMN WEEKEND. ONE. GODDAMN. WEEKEND.

[smokeybrand]

One Goddamn Weekend

Boy, did i have myself a weekend, man. SO. MANY. ISSUES. That ain’t even MY issue! Look, i get the attraction to crazy chicks. I do. The woman i love is a special kind of nuts. The thing is, though, she wants to be better. She takes steps to cope and heal. I understand it’ll never be good but it’s much better than it use to be. The pain never goes away, i know that from experience, but you learn to deal, if you want to deal. My brother’s chick? nope. Se flat out doesn’t WAN to be better. At all. She wants to spazz out, throw tantrums like a child, and then expect everyone to just ignore the fact she’s been intentionally destructive and console her shenanigans. It’s wild. Keep in mind, this chick is 19, legal adult.

Friday

Chick tried to actively convince me that my little brother, a kid i raised myself and her current boyfriend, dosed her with stimulants because he wanted someone to be awake with him. And she just sad okay. See, this scenario is faulty. My brother would never unknowingly dose someone with any thing because it’s a scummy ass move. He’ll share what he has with you if you ask, letting you know there might be a little extra in it because he’s not trying to go to jail. She rinks it and promptly stays up all day, after staying up all night at work. She also had to work that Friday night, too so No sleep for the wicked. i guess.

My brother is kind of the complex handyman now so he ha to run around all day getting stuff to fix things. This chick inserts herself into this situation because she can’t be without him for more than an hour without melting down. She immediately tries to take everything over because she’s kind of overbearing that way. This grates on my brother’s nerves and she takes it as a slight, like he’s not being attentive to her feelings. She’s literally interrupting his job. He gets back home, upset, but tolerates her as he fixes this house.

His friend shows up to take him to another kind of a celebration/birthday party for a cat we haven’t seen in a month because he’s been training as a firefighter. As he gets ready to go, she’s like, “Cuddle me for five minutes.” My brother said “No” because he was on his ride’s schedule. This turns into some ridiculous argument and she throws a tantrum. My brother leaves because who the f*ck wants to deal with a child, right? So she comes in and makes this MY f*cking problem. Literally yelling and crying an punching walls and sh*t. For hours. HOURS.

Eventually, my brother comes back to deal with this sh*t becuase i told him to come back and deal with this sh*t. So, instead of talking this nonsense out like a rational adult, She f*cking takes all of her anti-depressants and runs off toward the bridge. She’d rather kill herself than act like a goddamn adult. but not really. The entire time she was off running toward her great plunge, she kept looking back to see if anyone was following her.

No one was following her.

I’ve known this chick since December and in that time, i have personally talked her off of/picked her up from this suicide bridge 4 goddamn times. She’s not going to kill herself. She doesn’t have the heart to o it. This is all literally theatrics and emotional terrorism. The thing is, my brother and i, we don’t have emotions like that. I told her that when she first said she wanted to be with my brother. Literally sat her down and explained to her that we are not these other cats she’s dated. We do not care if you want to spazz out and act an ass. That sh*t doesn’t solve anything and it just makes you look like an asshole. So my brother leaves again. Blocks her calls. tells her to make a decision. SO she calls me. I literally tell her the same thing. When she realizes no one is biting, she comes home an tries to “throw up” these pills.

She didn’t throw-up an pills. Chick literally sat next to the toilet until she heard the volume on my TV come back on and then started wretched so loud it drowned out my TV. So i just turned it up. Honestly, i don’t think she took any of the pills. i confiscated the bottles and they were both pretty full but i digress. Who am i to call bullsh*t on someone’s suicide attempt.

Bullsh*t.

So she spazzes out all night. Literally didn’t get any sleep until the next morning. Missed work because i didn’t get enough rest over this chick’s nonsense. it was f*cking stupid. all night, man. My entire friday night was litstening to her sob about how my brother is the worst.

She cried to her best friend about it. Her ex-boyfriend (who beat and choked her regularly) about it. My brother’s best friend. Literally anyone who would listen? defamation on my brother’s name. It was f*cking ridiculous. All night. in between fits of ugly sobbing. and punching my walls. and breaking sh*t. All night, man. Which leads me into Saturday!

Saturday

My brother comes home Saturday morning and she storms out of the room. After screaming at him at the top of her lungs. my brother, sensing there is no sense to be had, goes to sleep. He takes offense to this and runs into the arms of a guy who she tried to f*ck before.

I wake my brother up to finish this job and ask where his chick is. He doesn’t know. She's grown. Assumed she’s doing adult things. Nope. She’s being as petty and childish as possible. Literally with his friends, salting his name. all goddamn day. My brother doesn’t care. Cat’s gonna shoot they shot. If she let’s it in, she’s not worth. If she doesn’t she’s a keeper. Simple as that. Not to this chick. She wants him to be violently jealous and fight his friends. Whom he’s known for DECADES. Over her. Come on, man?

So she comes home with an attitude. My brother decided to leave and take care of some other stuff. She sat here and stewed in her own stupid f*cking feelings. For hours. Hours. 10 o clock rolls around and she loses it. My brother has apparently been gone for 8 hours or some sh*t at this point and that’s just TOO much for her. HE was actually trying to get the car he bought her fixed and mobile this entire time, mind you, a fact which he told her. several times. Does this matter? nope. Straight nuclear, this chick goes.

From 10 pm Saturday night until 7 am Sunday morning, i sh*t you not, violent sobbing and tantrums. ALL. F*CKING. NIGHT.

In this time, an entire work shift, she spazzed out and blamed my brother for her depression spiral, shot self esteem, paranoia, the loss of her job, and various other things that are a result of her directly making stupid f*cking decisions. The logic gymnastics were amazing and stupid. She punched walls, broke bottles, and cut herself apparently. The performance was full of stupid and passion, i’ll give her that.

After a rocky start to Sunday morning, she calmed down a bit. i guess. i don’t know. i ignored her for most of the day. Couple hours pass, i think we good. Wrong.

Motherf*cking SUNDAY, man

Apparently there’s beef with some cat my brother knows. Threats were exchanged over the internet. chick is getting mad hype for no reason, like almost frothing at the mouth. Culminates into cats getting pulled up on. My brother asked me to drive him out to this cats job, to which i laughed in his face. F*ck no, i’m not doing that. the hell i look like? Eventually, the dude in question with the problem actively apologizes and squashes the beef. My brother agrees. Situation deescalated and done with. For this chick though? NOPE.

She’s DISAPPOINTED there’s no bloodshed. She’s mad at my brother for SQUASHING the beef. Motherf*ckers were threatening him with straight up maiming and murder and he took that situation down to 0 and she’s mad? the f*ck man??

Chick is literally running around here calling my brother a b*tch in so many words, questioning his manhood, disrespecting him in front of anyone in earshot. She’s on the phone with her friend, who has been abreast of the situation and is actively telling her to calm down, that she’s in the wrong, but nope. Her words, and i quote, “F*ck that, i’ll go to jail tonight! motherf*ckers forget b*tches is crazy!”

Like, the situation is over and she won’t LET IT BE OVER. My brother has fixed everything this chick f*cked up this weekend but she is just not letting it go. She’s not letting it stay fixed. Why?? Why won’t this just take??

Look, i get it. Mental illness is a motherf*cker. I know for a fact it is. I’m a high functioning sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Like, i could be an active serial killer if i wanted. I don’t because i check my crazy. i don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to function as best i can as a person. and that’s the key.  I don’t use my issues as an excuse to be reckless, disrespectful, and cruel. This chick though? this 19 year old child? nah. This chick is f*cking ridiculous and she’s unapologetic about it. Absolutely refuses any semblance of responsibility. I took her in to give her a solid place where she could grow and get better. she’s done everything in her power to turn that olive branch into f*cking splinters in ONE GODDAMN WEEKEND. ONE. GODDAMN. WEEKEND.