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#i know there are reasons but i just can’t access them
cheolaholic · 1 day
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ring of love; csc (07)
summary; agreeing to join vernon spectate an underground boxing match wasn't how you'd expect to spend your friday night. you also didn't expect to see seungcheol, someone you've lost contact with for years, become a part of the ring.
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modern! au • boxer! au • hhu focused • multiple kinds of tropes • fluff, angst, smut
a/n;; im gonna be honest, i had no clue as to how im gonna write chapter 7 so i took a short break. that ended with me diving head first into love and deepspace which now has led me to a new obsession – Sylus. if you saw that post i made abt LNDS a few weeks ago, that has manifested into a side blog @chaeriescola where i’ll be posting my-non kpop related fics (read: Sylus & Zayne brainrot) also, i’m on Patreon now !! if you join my Patreon, you’ll get early access to the fics (a week early before they get posted on tumblr & ao3), exclusive bonus content, sneak peeks of other projects etc. if you’d like these special treats, feel free to join 👀 enough of me yapping, onto the fic~
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Seungcheol wasn’t exactly sure what he was expecting when he tasked Mingyu and Vernon to look after you – considering how they both absolutely suck at understanding the whole “look after ___ for me but, don’t let her catch you” concept. He’s seen them tail behind you, possibly raising concerns in some students and staff whether they were stalking you from the moment they spotted you.
coups: can’t you two be more discreet? coups: you both look like you’re the worst stalkers gameboi: ? tallgyu: I think we’re doing a good job alien-non: yea, she hasn’t noticed us gameboi: you really got Mingyu and Hansol to tail after ___? gameboi: no offense to all 3 of you gameboi: but Hansol’s logic is practically gone if Mingyu’s leading tallgyu: HEY alien-non: I suggested we wear disguises but Mingyu didn’t want to! tallgyu: those weirdly shaped sunglasses are way too obvious coups: what you’re doing now is way more obvious! tallgyu: she hasn’t noticed us tallgyu: it’s fine hyung coups: Vernon alien-non: yes coups: you know how aware ___ is of her surroundings coups: she’s probably already spotted you both gameboi: but chose not to say anything
As if on cue, when they both turned a corner, they were both startled to come face-to-face with you, arms crossed, staring right at them.
“You’ve both been following me for the past hours, can I help you?” you ask, eyes narrowing when they both exchange a look.
“Well…” Mingyu started, “We… We just wanted to make sure you didn’t get lost…?”
Vernon mentally facepalms at Mingyu’s response while you scrunch your eyebrows in confusion, “To make sure I wouldn’t get lost…? On a campus I’ve been attending for at least 2 years…?”
“Seungcheol hyung wanted us to look after you,” Vernon confesses, “I don’t know why, but he just told us to keep an eye on you.”
“And, so, you’ve decided to follow me around?”
“Mingyu was the one who suggested it…”
“You both would make terrible secret agents…” Seungcheol mumbled as he came up behind you, wrapping an arm around your waist as he sent glares to the two younger males. “Cheol, I’m a big girl now – I can handle myself!”
“I know, I know,” he admits, “And, I’m sorry, pup-”
“Pup? You call her ‘pup’?” Your ears burned red at Mingyu’s question, forgetting that not everyone grew up with you and Seungcheol or knowing the reason that he calls you that.
“It’s a nickname I gave her while we were growing up,” Seungcheol answers, “And, it stuck with her since.”
“She grew up with you? Oh, you poor thing,” Mingyu faked cries as he pulls you into an embrace, “He must’ve picked on you non-stop.”
“Actually, he didn’t pick on me.” The taller male pulls away, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at your answer. “He stood for me and may or may not have threatened the people that did pick on me.” He looks at Seungcheol with a look of betrayal, “That’s not fair! Why does she get special treatment while you keep picking on me!?”
Seungcheol pries Mingyu away from you, his arm returning to its position on your waist as he answers, “Because you’re Mingyu, and she’s… she’s ___.”
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‘Well… this is… awkward…’ you thought to yourself as you sat in front of Wonwoo, one of the other boys you had briefly met that night. Seungcheol suggested you meet the three of them altogether, mainly Mingyu and Wonwoo since you were already best friends with Vernon, to somewhat break the ice.
‘Choi Seungcheol, you ass, this is anything but breaking the ice! If anything, this is increasing the freezing point of the ice!’
Unfortunately, Seungcheol’s plan of grabbing lunch together is now facing a setback. You had no classes that day, Wonwoo finished his, but Seungcheol, Mingyu and Vernon were being held back for their classes.
“Seungcheol, I’ve only met him once!” you whisper-shouted into your phone, “And, neither of us exchanged a single conversation since!”
“I know, I know,” Seungcheol answers, wracking his head to come up with solutions, “But, this lecturer is talking so slow that I have no choice!”
“What about Vernon and Mingyu?”
A sigh was heard, “Apparently, the model was being fussy about how she should be posing for their portrait. The lecturer needed her to be partially clothed, but since Mingyu was in the class… You can fill in the blanks…”
You let out a sigh, looking into the windows of the cafe as Wonwoo sits at a booth near the pick-up counter, “How much longer until you all are able to get here?”
“Probably an hour… And another 20 minutes to get there. Hey, you and Wonwoo both like drinking coffee and are introverts! Maybe you both can try talking to break the ice.”
Oh, boy, did Seungcheol underestimate the introversion you and Wonwoo possess. You had initially tried to have small talk with him, only to chicken out when he looked at you with that piercing gaze through his glasses. It’s been half an hour since you sat down at the booth with him, your strawberry milkshake sitting on a coaster as he goes to order possibly his third cup of cappuccino.
When he returns with his drink, you can’t help but ask, “Isn’t that… too much caffeine…?”
Wonwoo seemed a bit taken back when you finally opened your mouth to talk, but he recovers quickly and shrugs, “Honestly, after drinking caffeine for years, you kind of grow immune to it. You should’ve seen Mingyu’s reaction when he found me sleeping after downing 5 cans of Monster.”
“Five!?”
“Yes, five.”
“And, you were still able to sleep?”
“Like a baby.”
Wonwoo was surprisingly easy to talk to – you just needed to get over your social anxiety and the very intimidating resting bitch face he has. You’ve come to learn that the man in front of you was GAM3BO1WOO, a famous game streamer on SVTwitch. You’ve seen a few of his stream clips on your feed, but you weren’t exactly a fan of his since his taste in games and yours were vastly different.
“Do you play every new game release?” you asked, scrolling through his MAESTRO account and skimming through his posts.
“It depends, actually. If a new game really catches my eye, then I’ll download it. Other than that, either the companies sponsored me to stream their games, my followers keep requesting that I play the game they think would suit me or want to see me play. Sometimes, Mingyu and Cheol would gift me co-op games since a lot of them have the mechanic of if one player already owns the game, the second player plays for free.”
“Have you ever hopped on trends?”
“It drives traffic and increases my followers, can’t really complain.”
You’re not sure how long you’ve been conversing with Wonwoo. But, it was definitely long enough for neither of you to notice the three men standing right outside the window, watching you two fondly and surprised. “They’re… talking…” Mingyu says in awe, a chuckle from Seungcheol following afterwards, “Nice to know two of our introverts are getting along just fine.”
You noticed them from the corner of your eyes, turning to the window, Wonwoo following to look at them. You smiled, giving them a small wave which they returned while the latter gave a small nod of his head.
“Sorry for keeping the two of you waiting,” Seungcheol apologised the second he got to the booth, taking a seat next to you. Mingyu and Vernon took their seats next to Wonwoo after placing their orders at the counter. “Aren’t you going to get anything?” you asked the older male, looking up at him as you took a sip from your milkshake.
“I’m assuming you’re waiting for me so you can order some kind of snack which we either share or I finish the remaining you can’t.” When you don’t answer and avert his gaze, Seungcheol knows he caught you red-handed. He chuckles as he gets out of the booth and towards the counter, which unfortunately for you, leads to an interrogation by the other three boys – technically, it was mainly Mingyu with the occasional questioning from Vernon. Wonwoo just sits quietly, listening in as his eyes would dart between you, your two ‘interrogators’ and Seungcheol who was still lining up.
The two men asked you the questions you’d expect.
“How old were you when you met Seungcheol hyung?”
“I think… I think I was 5? He should be about 7 or 8?”
“What did he look like back then? Did he look like a nerd?”
“Well, he had the signature bowl kid every boy got when they were kids or teens.”
“Was he scary?”
“Kind of? Not a lot of people messed with me because of how protective he was over me.”
“Mess with little red riding hood, the big bad wolf will come and get you.”
All attention was on Seungcheol as he placed a plate of strawberry cake and a plate of a dozen brownies on the table, returning to his seat right next to you. Noticing the stunned expressions from his peers, he shrugs, “That was what they’d always say to anyone trying to approach her with ill intentions. It’s basically their way of saying ‘if you don’t want trouble, don’t go looking for trouble’.”
An easier way to put it was – if you don’t want to deal with an angry Seungcheol, don’t bother his girl. Your heart still flutters at how some people referred to you as ‘his girl’, but you knew that actually being his girl was nothing more than a dream to you. “By the way hyung, when’s your next fight? Maybe ___ could come and help out, y’know?” Vernon asks, reaching out to grab a brownie only for his hand to be lightly slapped by Seungcheol. “Ow! What was that for!?”
“If you want them, go get them yourselves,” the older male answers, pushing the plate of brownies towards you. “These are for ___. If you want one, go get one yourself.” Your face heats up at the gesture, and heats up further when the three males turn to you. “Why does she get special treatment?” Mingyu whines, “And how can she possibly finish that entire plate?”
Seungcheol pats your head as he answers, “Because she’s ___. And, yes, she can. If she can’t, I’ll finish it.”
“Can we have a piece if you’re the one finishing it up?”
“No, get your own.”
“Ah, hyung!”
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You’ve managed to bond with Wonwoo and Mingyu, becoming close with them in a matter of days and now, you’ve got four ‘bodyguards’ walking around with you (Mingyu refers to them as that, the others and you just play along). The downside that comes with the friendship would be a flock of envious fangirls (and occasionally fanboys) who had begun to buzz around you like moths attracted to light.
“How did you become friends with Wonwoo? Could you ask him to shout me out on his streams or MAESTRO account?”
“Is Mingyu single? Could you introduce me to him?”
“Would you like to be friends? I’d love to be friends with the boys!”
Both boys could see you were tired of the clout chasers, especially Wonwoo since he knows you value your personal space. Both men had taken the issue to their social media, expressing how they’d appreciate it if their ‘fans’ stopped bugging their friends and loved ones in an attempt to get close with them. You remembered when both of them addressed the issue on Wonwoo’s stream, the sternness in both their voices still sent shivers down your spine.
“We understand that you may think you know us as we both are content creators and certain information has been released about us online. While we may not be able to put an end to the parasocial relationship that you have built with us, we do not know you and you do not know us. Do not harass our friends and loved ones, and if your unhealthy obsession of us persists, please seek help.”
That was enough for a majority of the fanboys/fangirls to back off. Some still linger, but they were no longer up close and in your face bombarding you with questions or requests.
Currently, Wonwoo, Mingyu and Vernon sat in a discussion room within the library as they waited for Seungcheol and you. It was a small meet-up, but it could also be treated as a short co-working/co-studying meet-up. Your class was ending later than usual and Seungcheol offered to wait for you so both of you could walk to the library.
Beauty and the Beasts
mingoo: @princess how much longer is the lecture gonna take?
princess: erm… another 15 mins?
princess: …
princess: who set my nickname as princess in the gc?
All four boys replied altogether and you playfully rolled your eyes.
mingoo: coups hyung
vernonnie: cheol hyung
nonu: seungcheol
cheol: i did
cheol: i got you your coffee order btw
mingoo: what about us?
cheol: you lot already got your orders before you headed to the library
mingoo: i’m assuming you got her snacks too
cheol: yes
cheol: and they’re only for ___
cheol: so don’t try to steal them
Mingyu lets out a groan as he lays his upper body on the table. “It’s not fair,” he whines, “Why does Seungcheol hyung give ___ special treatment? Is it because she’s a girl?” Vernon shrugs, “Maybe? But, he’s treated his exes the same way, too.”
“Yeah, I know that, Vernon. But, isn’t there something different?”
Mingyu sits up as he looks at Vernon, his words seeming to be hinting at something as the younger male sits in silence. “It’s like he’s more attentive, more caring. Like, he was caring before to the other girls, but there’s this extra layer to it, y’know?”
“He means there’s more than meets the eye,” Wonwoo says, “I think what Mingyu’s trying to say is that Seungcheol is whipped for ___.”
“Yes!” Mingyu exclaims, pointing at Wonwoo with a puppy-like grin on his face, “But, also no? I don’t know! They grew up together so maybe it’s like a habit he has or a sense of responsibility he feels?”
“But, who would want to call their childhood best friend who is now an adult ‘pup’?” Vernon questions, and Wonwoo tips his pencil in the younger male’s direction, “Precisely. Everyone would grow out of it, much less a nickname like that. Hell, would you call any of your friends that kind of name as an adult?”
Mingyu hums in understanding. All three of them knew just how shameless Seungcheol could be sometimes. Vernon bites back a gag when he recalls accidentally witnessing Seungcheol and his then girlfriend making out in his car, in the campus’ parking lot - in broad daylight. He pitied his therapist who had to listen to him ramble on and on about suspecting the older male having an exhibitionist kink.
“So, you really think he’s whipped for her?”
“Seungcheol barely remembers your favourite cake, but he remembers ___’s coffee order.”
“He probably has it written down somewhere?”
“I beg to differ,” Vernon speaks up.
He joined Seungcheol to get coffee a few weeks ago. While Seungcheol was ordering his, you had texted Vernon saying your Business Module class had completely drained you and you were in need of a quick pick me up. All he did was say, “___ wants us to help get her coffee,” and Seungcheol began reciting your order to the barista without a second thought.
“He knew it like the back of his hand! Not a single thing was missed out!”
As Mingyu and Vernon continue to discuss Seungcheol's love life, Wonwoo glances down at his phone as it vibrates, a notification from you. Opening up the text app on his laptop, he types out his reply.
___: hey woo?
___: is it ok if i call you that-
wonwoo: yes?
wonwoo: n yes, perfectly fine
___: ok
___: um, so the class im in rn, we’re almost done btw!
___: they need me to write some kind of paper abt how psychology n business work
___: n since you’re a psych major
wonwoo: you need my help, yes?
___: bingo
___: is it possible for you to help me?
wonwoo: sure thing
wonwoo: why don’t you go over the details with me once you’re out of class?
wonwoo: we’ve booked the discussion room for the entire day
___: don’t the others have class?
Wonwoo can feel Mingyu and Vernon standing behind him as they “observe” his conversation with you. “Oooh, you’re texting his girl~” Mingyu teases, earning a glare from the older male that shuts him up immediately. “She needs help with her coursework and I have relevant information that can help her,” he replies as he resumes to type out his reply.
wonwoo: seungcheol only has one class today iirc
wonwoo: gyu and vernon have some kind of workshop in an hour
___: oh, cool!
___: then i can also get cheollie’s opinion
“Do you think they have a thing for each other?” Vernon asks, seemingly picking up on certain signs just from the text Wonwoo had just exchanged with you.
“Who? Seungcheol hyung and ___?” Mingyu asks back and he nods. The taller male thinks for a while, recalling the times that he’s seen any form of interaction or exchanged conversation the pair have shared. “Maybe? But, there weren’t any obvious signs that explicitly showed that Seungcheol or ___ like the other.”
“Well, there is a saying that love is in plain sight. Or that whole “you were hiding in plain sight” trend that was going around CIRCLES a few months ago.”
“Should we play cupid?”
“I think it’d be best if we don’t interfere with their love life.”
Wonwoo had a point. While their curiosity was gnawing away, the last thing they’d wanna do is accidentally driving a wedge between you and Seungcheol. It would be worse if they were reading the room wrong and neither of you were harbouring any feelings for the other. “But, that doesn’t mean we can’t find some clues to answer our hypothesis.”
Mingyu and Vernon looked at the older male who was still typing on his laptop. “Are we conducting experiments on them now?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way. I’d say it’s more of observing their interactions with each other.”
“We’ll leave the psychology part to the psych major.”
“If this ends up being your thesis paper, Woo, we’d better be given credits.”
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Later that night…
gyu created the group Operation Cupid 💘
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taglist (unable to tag a few ㅠㅠ)
@yoonclip @1004luvangel @catjunhui @mystikha @spk93 @tinkerbell460 @yoozuku @dnylwooo @christinewithluv @limbomoon @plutoxxxworld @i-give-up-1234 @m1ngyuc0re @yunloyal @leclercloverbot @bettybeako @billboard-singer @ocyeanicc @krupyadoorrahe @seobinnieshi @xcynthiaaa @k411z @disneyprincesshuri @sunnyapp @khxsh @staygenezy @loufi8iepuff @ursweetner @noisypapergalaxy @wonwootakemyheart @sugainpinksweater @leah-rose03 @thisisnothelastofus @yearnoclock @kwonhoeshi @ohmygodwhyareallusernamestaken @ru-lin @deobiforever @belladaises @cheoliekkuma @duskunt1ldawn @hyneyedfiz @marshmallowshouse @ak6ko @chwevernonlover @jejuboo-s @tsukinluv @atinytinaa @gyros-cum-sock @soupbinlily @jungwoos-luvr @ener-energy @watermelon-sugars-things @cyberpunkhwx @ddaengpotate @nightwingsrobbinhoods @chaerrylov3r @joshuaahong @wonussmile @uliceeeeeeee @wonwoo24 @shinetogether17 @simplejihoon @luvkpopp @shingbangyes @black-swan-blog27 @minhui896
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Idk if anyone has talked about this already since I’m just now catching up with all the shows, but it hit me pretty hard while I was watching “Eclipse TRIES TO RECONCILE WITH MOON”.
Eclipse is treating Moonlight the exact way V1 treated Lunar.
Maybe not exact exact, but the whole “I’m going to force you to let me look at your code and you can’t say no”? That was something V1 did when Lunar first showed up. He called them health inspections, just to make sure his coding was stable and there weren’t any bugs or viruses that needed removing. He said he was doing it for Lunar’s sake. In all honesty, we don’t know what Eclipse was actually looking for when he did these check ups on Lunar, but after the big fight they had in the Faz-Pad I was inclined to believe they were exactly for the purpose he’d been doing them. He was just checking on Lunar. I don’t think Eclipse felt genuine ill will towards Lunar until after the betrayal, but that is a post for another time.
Anyways, point is, Lunar didn’t like these checkups. They were invasive and Eclipse would never ask him if he wanted to do them. He would just force Lunar to let him do the checkups every evening. Eclipse telling him he had no choice was actually one of the reasons he betrayed Eclipse during that October takeover.
Eclipse is currently doing the exact same thing to Moonlight (EAPS Moon). He’s trying to force Moonlight into letting him access his coding. And Moonlight is acting the same way Lunar was. If Eclipse was nice about the way he went about things, Lunar probably wouldn’t have left as quickly and Moonlight wouldn’t hate him as much.
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oldblackhat · 3 days
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Y’all this petition going around - I've seen it twice now - the one that includes: “As Neil Gaiman has offered to step back, there is no reason for the production of the TV series to stop” (full text below)
Oh my God y’all please Do Not sign that!
I know we are all having different reactions and I respect that — but y’all I'm concerned that this petition in particular is actually kinda doing his PR team’s work for them!
If you decide you want to sign a petition about saving GO season3 then please consider signing one that requests he be fired (i.e. http://bit.ly/firegaiman) and/or includes stipulations about what “step back” actually means in practice (because we still don’t know).
We still don't know what “discussions about possible production changes” and “offered to step back”/“take a back seat” actually means in terms of degree of removal and on-the-ground changes. Will he be on set at all (possibly getting access to interact with young female staff)? How (if at all) will he be referenced in official promotions and interviews for the show?
Is there a possible world where Amazon accepts Neils offer but Amazon/Neils definition of “step back” is Wholey Insufficient and nothing near as comprehensive as we’re all hoping? Unfortunately, I think yes! Yes there is.
Until we know for sure what “step back” actually means (so we can know if it’s enough) I think we need to not wave the victory banner just yet and keep pushing for his removal (so if you’re going to sign a petition—please choose a different one)
I think it’s fine to hope that it means he’ll be cut out as thoroughly as we all hope—but I think it’s honestly kinda dangerous to assume this to be true (without sufficient evidence) to the point of signing a petition that says since he’s “offered to step back, there is no reason for the production….to stop”.
It’s dangerous in that you are setting yourself up for more pain in the future if you convince yourself this “step back” is going to be to a sufficient degree — and we later learn that it is not.
And it’s dangerous because y’all I do think this petition in particular is one his PR team would support getting as many signatures as possible.
Y’all I think his lawyers and PR team want people focusing on renewing the show instead of focusing on the allegations. They want us to take his “offer to step back”, be satisfied with it, and actively shift attention away from how bad he is towards unpausing production.
It’s in the phrasing. Honestly nothing in this petition makes it clear to me whether the writer is or isn’t a rape apologist. I’m not saying they are but I can’t tell and I think that’s a pretty major red flag. It’s how he only gets mentioned one time: “as Neil Gaiman has offered to step back, there is no reason for the production….to stop” and there’s no mention of why he’s “offering to step back” (the five women who’ve come forward)
And of course since he’s “not admitting to any wrongdoing” he gets to play the white knight offering to gallantly step back so the show can go on (sickening). And again the only reference to him in this petition is that he’s “offered to step back” — what a nice gentle phrasing that doesn’t disallow a white knight interpretation!
Now i want to be clear — I am Not saying helping his PR is the intent of anyone who has already signed this petition or reblogged it — I’m assuming best intentions here (which would be not realizing that signing/reblogging this is arguably helping his PR team)
But y’all again if you decide you want to sign a petition about saving GO season3 please sign and share one like this http://bit.ly/firegaiman that explicitly stipulates to fire him and includes: “We feel very strongly that we cannot financially support Good Omens with Mr. Gaiman still in a position of power within it and are calling for his immediate dismissal.” Because again yall we don’t know if the “step back” currently being discussed behind closed doors will be enough so we should still be pushing for his removal.
Or make a new petition that stipulates he not be on set, or anywhere near young female staff, and also not be discussed positively in any promotional material, etc.
And if pushing for him to be truly sufficiently uninvolved does help lead to this show being cancelled — then that might mean his being sufficiently uninvolved just wasn’t about to be on the table for whatever reason — and if that’s the case then it’s probably for the best the show doesn’t continue :/
(i know i hope not i honestly do hope he can be removed sufficiently & the show can go on but we can’t know yet whether he is going to be sufficiently removed)
Here’s a screenshot of the full text of the petition I don’t think you should sign:
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Please please please if you decide you want to sign a petition about saving GO season3 please sign and share one like this instead:
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vagueiish · 4 months
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real genuine question, but, does anyone know how to actually talk about the stuff they’re into with people?
which im sure sounds weird, but. i *do* have common interests with people i work with and sometimes they try to talk to me about things that i would love to do more than nod enthusiastically at
idk, i kind of feel like i don’t know how to talk about my interests, though. other people can dig deep into and enthuse about gameplay and lore and technique and other aspects of their interests, while i kinda feel like i’m just… there, and a dork ass loser for not being able to express more than ‘i just think it’s neat :)’ because you can’t make connections based on common interests with something that shallow and it’s not like my interest in things is actually that shallow - i have Opinions in my head, i prommy - but it’s as if at some point it was made clear my thoughts on things didn’t matter to i shut off my ability to express my opinions on things
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vampire-nyx · 2 months
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Honestly really disappointing and upsetting that just after I found the pills that make you green comics the creator turned out to very much extremely hate people like me
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villainsidestep · 4 months
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wait tho…. the public needs to know how jay feels abt maelstrom’s murder(s?)…..
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fivetrench · 18 days
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One time someone reblogged that “tumblr is the worst place for people with moral ocd” post because I called them an asshole for complaining about Palestinians in their inbox begging for help because apparently the asks sounded too “guilt-trippy”.
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ventismacchiato · 2 years
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guess who got txt tickets 🔥
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mutalune · 3 months
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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rockmonopoly · 4 months
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Need everyone to be real extra niceys to me before I go crazy and become the joker. I am real and valued and ppl do love and/or care abt me for reasons other than what i can offer them and my worth is not determined by what I’m willing to sacrifice or give to others #manifesting
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eatyourdamnpears · 1 year
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“elevated ANA levels are usually markers for an autoimmune health condition!”
well, not when the rheumatologist you see is completely invalidating about it and your rheumatology blood panel comes back negative for anything!
#I can accept that maybe I don’t have a disorder like lupus or ra that they were testing for but like#the fact that out the gate he was just like ‘‘yeah some people just have naturally elevated ANA levels it’s usually nothing’’#like SIR????#I’m sitting in your office because I’ve had elevated ANA levels for over a year now and I cannot function in society due to my health issues#it probably IS something#I don’t know I wanna see if I can see another rheumatologist about it but what would even be the point?#no one wants to see me anyways because of my chronic Lyme diagnosis it took FOREVER for this guy to just see me#it’s at a point where when my doctor needs to refer me to places she leaves that off whatever she sends to them because otherwise#they won’t see me#like the only reason I haven’t seen a neurologist yet is because the ones I get referred to all refuse to see me#they can’t outright SAY that#but I remember my mom constantly checking to see about the referral and the receptionist basically said it in a way so it wouldn’t be#like grounds to sue for discrimination or whatever#even my mom tells me in appointments like this that I shouldn’t bring the Lyme up unless absolutely necessary#and every time it does come up the vibe instantly changes#like I don’t get it??? why do doctors hate me???#anyways yeah and I don’t know if it’d be a waste of time to see another rheumatologist because of the results I’ve already gotten#but I also can’t find them anywhere in the MyHealth app when I swear to god I had access to them before so??#I don’t know. I’m sorry I’m complaining. I just remember the time my doctor first brought it up to me and how excited I was#to finally have a lead on what could be happening inside my body and how to treat it#and then I get crushed when I realize that it doesn’t mean shit to anyone#I’m just having a hard night tonight#and no one wants to see Ethel Cain with me either and I’m just sad about that#and my depression is all fucky lately#everything is so big and loud and overwhelming and I’m so tired of it#vent tw
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pepprs · 2 years
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STILL wide awake! i did not put down my phone! and now im hungry. so i will not be sleeping tonight ♥️
#purrs#also… im gonna admit it. ive been up for hours cleaning out… my toyhouse accounts. not cleaning them out but cleaning them up. and im so#FUCKING mad at my 18 year old self for giving away characters that meant so much to me to 12 year olds on warriors amino who never finished#their half of the art trade… and now so many of them are like. completely out of my reach and i can never get them back. im trying to ask#for the characters ive been able to find and track them down. which for ppl who actually love and care for them im sure is predatory and#annoying bc it’s like ok you made that choice so live with it. but im so fucking mad at myself and i wish i could undo it. i know it doesn’t#matter bc i don’t do that kind of deviantart stuff anymore but like.. i gave away characters who were so special to me growing up and now so#many of them are like.. on locked / unauthorized toyhouses or deleted or the person already owns them and is never trading them and#imjust so SAD!!!!!! over pixels i know. PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER over pixels. but im so saddddd aughhhhh#delete later#(i also did clean out photos and do practice drivers tests btw. but ive mostly been doing toyhouse stuff)#also im so sad and angry charahub went down and i didn’t even know it and i can’t access my data at allll like so much precious info#on there is gone forever. pain and suffering. also it’s worth naming im not in this to like have the best most expensive whatever designs im#doing this bc i desperately want to salvage every piece of my childhood / adolescence and never let go of anything in my life ever and when#i was 18 i thought i could run away from deeply permanently hurting and betraying a friend by selling all of my characters starting w the#ones they made me and then branching off into baiscally all of them to not make it look like it was just abt them bc i couldn’t bear to be#reminded of what i had done. and now i live with the consequences. in more ways than just the characters obviously. so there’s that#(i had my reasons for doing what i had to do btw. but i will never stop feeling guilty about it or regretting how it must have felt for them#bc we were like best friends and then i turned cold and awful because i didn’t know how to communicate my needs so instead i just shut them#out and didn’t even have the decency to explain why. and it fucking sucked that i did that. lol)#* ​and still sucks. and i think abt it all the time and try not to talk about it for a lot of reasons but here i am so. lol
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homophyte · 11 months
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mmhhgm 2 AM thinking about HRT…………..perhaps my urgency is influenced by the belief that my transness only becomes acceptable after certain parameters are met and that it is in some way inappropriate to present myself as a trans person while being pretransition . something radical about the exposure of the whole process instead of being one of those instagram transes who pop into existence 7 years on T and post top surgery
#i know this is a recent discourse bc of like the attacks on access to transition care#but idk i can’t help but think there is something very radical about#demanding equal treatment and putting the onus on others and not urself#okay yes you can be accepting and respectful of this trans woman who#looks to you like what a woman should look like#but would you have treated her the same 5 years before when she just started E? what about before that if she confided in you#obviously trans medical care is under attack and it is important to protect trans peoples access to it#but so much of the conversation around that seems to revolve around ppl who have access already#and appeals to their acceptability and gender conformity and often capitulation to cis binary standards#what about all the pretransition people being thrown under the bus because#they’re facing barriers to access conflicts or unsafe circumstances#it’s troubling to me to see people who have been on HRT for years claim the only reason some claim to be trans but aren’t on hormones#must just be cowardice in the same breath as they fearfully discuss new barriers to access being put up every day#those things r related actually and if u really want to support access to care u need to acknowledge that#it’s necessary to continue to protect BECAUSE some people don’t have it yet#not to continually try to present those people as some kind of enemy because them not already having it means they’re the enemy of#trans medical care#i suppose my main issue with it is the way pretransition people are really screwed by that kind of talk#just supports the idea that we don’t deserve it that we should have barriers that we don’t belong#as if those are not the very things we are seeking to and need to alleviate#myposts
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samuraisharkie · 2 years
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did I SERIOUSLY get called an “absolute walnut” from a tumblr checkmark blog. AIEJGKWJGKDNGM. if I saw sainamoonshine irl I would maul their ableist condescending ass within an inch of their life. not worth it to fight with them bc they clearly don’t care about anyone else’s perspective but jesus fucking CHRIST what a piss poor refutation of me calling them ableist. And in three paragraphs no less!
#I knew it was going to be bad when that serious reply started with action asterisks LMAO#deliberately misinterpreting what I meant by ‘alt text is not for jokes’ too. bitch you KNOW I didn’t mean it that way. die#sainamoonshine is having an absolute TANTRUM that people wanted. a full ID??#and someone asked for one more than once???? and then you just unload on someone literally just asking for full ID.#their defense isn’t even good 💀 it didn't NEED to be explained it was just for me I didn't think people would want all the WiNdoW dReSsiNg'#what so only people who can see the image without accessibility readers can get the full context??#so the ppl relying on screen readers don’t get to see the behavior you’re talking about in your caption?? that’s just for the 20/20s??#the condescending pedantic ass way they did that. I KNOW I shouldn’t reply further but ohhh boy do I want to lol#the violence in my chest when ppl are so rudely and proudly ableist all while thinking they’re not. I think Id genuinely scar them for life#the other reason I’m not gonna do this is because catgirlcowboy was just asking for a fucking ID not tumblr drama#and I KNOW they’d get caught up in it#blogs like that love to make their messes as big and loud as possible#speaking of which I am so sorry an ugly ass double checkmark blog acted out at you for wanting accessibility catgirlcowboy. holy fuck#also I’m never blocking a motherfucker who clearly doesn’t like me but is asking ME to block them lmao#why don’t you do it you little spineless cunt?? no?? won’t do it?? can’t muster up the courage?? too bad then!#I’ll just filter their name out and never actively block them LMAO
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bulkheadbignaturals · 7 months
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vent thing in tags idk
#honestly at this point i’m just completely lost like idk what to do#my social life was taken away from me near completely and this is the only place i can access on browser on my younger sister’s ipad#i cant go to my room which is my only safe space either#and i’m honestly so done with my mom and honestly a lot of my family#and guess what?#this is all cuz my grades slipped#my mom thinks that taking my stuff away will get me to magically do better in school but in reality it makes me feel even worse#cuz like. it’s hard to put into words but both she and my dad (who’s horrible in his own way) get angry when that happens cuz to them i’m#magically supposed to be a hell lot more responsible cuz i’m 17 years old and both of them have complained that this has been happening for#the past 10 years or so#cuz i can’t focus and i tend to give up a lot in my school work#and neither of them have thought about getting me professionally diagnosed for some reason#they also get upset when i start crying cuz to them crying is only for little kids which is a really fucking stupid reason#and when i get mad cuz something or someone’s bothering me cuz i can’t just magically ignore it#there’s a quote my mom sometimes said when she knows somethings bothering me#“if it doesn’t bother me then it shouldn’t bother you#and that in itself is really fucking dumb#cuz she’d rather have her teen stay idle and let the stuff bother them than actually make an effort to do something abt it#cuz as far as i know she’s not helping me stand up for myself#i think i’m going off topic#but still.#i hate it here#why couldn’t i have been into a more loving and accepting family that helped me with my issues instead of one that strikes#down anything that they deem bad#like none of them are supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (which i’m part of and partially out). theyre all racist in some way shape or form#but god do they GLADLY support child marriage!! and marrying your cousins to create more inbred fucked up children that bother everyone!!#at this point i feel like i’m either going to kill myself or cut off everyone in my family once i move out#i can’t take this shit anymore#i hate it here i really do#absol talks
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exopelagic · 8 months
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A list of things I’m frustrated by:
#1. my right skate won’t fucking tighten right it’s being stiff so I can’t skate properly again. they don’t fit right but I can’t do shit now#2. I’m not enjoying ice hockey as much right now bc of that and the people being. not annoying but. I’m disconnected from them#3. feeling disconnected from everything because of the residual barriers I put up but also the ones are just There bc of outside forces.#4. of them the disconnect that comes from not like loud music/crowds/drinking when you’re at uni.#5. the fact that the friends I have most access to I largely don’t like that much bc half are straight and southern and rich and annoying#6. the fact that a different group of friends basically just stopped talking to me and honestly didn’t really want me around that much anywa#7. the fact I don’t care that much about that. any of that. and I’m not Cool with not talking to them anymore but it’s just Happened yknow#8. the fact that’s a significant portion of the queer people I know here. and the others aren’t people I’m anywhere near as close to.#9. the way it’s my third year here and a bunch of people are graduating and opportunities to meet new people went to hell like two years ago#10. i Can meet new people and in fact am even now but everything is so much effort#11. how that’s probably how it’s gonna be the rest of my life bc being an adult sucks. I’ll get Maybe one more shot at meeting a bunch of#people quickly if I do a phd and move but that’s hellish for other reasons and I lose a lot in doing that. but I lose a lot no matter what#12. graduating sucks and so many of my friends are doing it this year. I’m not but next year will suck bc of flatmates and everyone missing#13. feeling on the edge of hockey friends bc they’re fucking hockey players and make dumb fucking jokes. and how I can’t do that#14. anxious isolated gay boy I was never gonna be cool with that and there was never any way I could’ve been on the team#15. the fact I decided not to go for the team partly bc of that and the fact I dont regret that decision. bc I like ice hockey but I couldnt#17. knowing the answers to most of my problems bc I’m at That point where I have the self awareness and maturity to some extent to see#exactly what’s going on and what’s up with it and the right way to go about things. and still feeling the fucking feelings anyway#18. the weird fucking position I occupy both w queerness and the north/south thing weirdly where I’m gay+northern + surrounded by Not#and neither feel like they belong to me. distinctly Other but not in the right way and both sides see that. always a little off#19. being socially aware enough to see exactly where things are awkward or done badly but not knowing in the moment how to make it Not#20. the way the shit The Asshole said abt my anxiety has stuck with me so much and I still think abt it all the time#21. the way he was my fucking first. a lot. and then did That to me and there’s been nobody since and that’s fine but see point 17#22. the way shit is slow to fade both with Him and current guy (very different things that are fading) even though both are fucking dumb#23. current guy being the fourth and should know bettering and knowing that’s bullshit too and I hate it. gonna start biting#24. not having the means time or opportunity to meet other people instead. and feeling dumb abt wanting to. and abt not doing some stuff#25. the fact this list is long enough that I’m gonna run out of tags and there’s still more but it’s 4am and I’m done#luke.txt#I’ll be fine once I’ve slept on it all. I should do something abt this probably but idk what right now and I should sleep mostly so. night!!
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