#I just feel so unlovable and that the only reason ppl would want me around is not bc of my personality or whatever but instead bc of what | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

astralaffairs · 4 years

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Request: "Hey babe it's been a shitty day, so plz make it better by responding to this. Alright so hear me out: we've all seen the memes, so we know how ppl would react to finding out about fotp thom and mc, but remind me, do we know how Alex reacted???? Lmao there would be such chaos"

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"You and Jefferson are dating?" Though Alex's yell was muffled through the phone, his tone was unmistakable, and Y/N cringed at the shrill undertone beneath his fury. "When did this start? Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd react exactly how you are now," she said, "and, frankly, it's none of your business who I date."

"You know how long I've hated him for, Y/N," Alex snapped, and she rolled her eyes.

"I don't pick my boyfriends with your career in mind."

"But he's wrong for you," he huffed. "He's gonna prove that to you soon enough, too. He'll start treating you like shit the minute he gets whatever he needs from you."

"And what, exactly, is he trying to get from me?"

"Are you fucking serious? You've been his biggest critic in the media this entire time. He's just trying to shut you up."

"Our relationship hasn't exactly been much of a career-booster for him, either, in case you hadn't noticed," she pointed out, but he only scoffed.

"Oh, he'll be fine. He can just ride on his fucking trust fund for as long as he wants, but what about your career? You need the money."

"I still have a job, y'know. I'm just not covering domestic politics anymore."

"I knew it was suspicious when you changed departments," he muttered, and Y/N rolled her eyes. "I'm coming over. We need to talk about this."

"What?" she asked, eyes widening in surprise. "No, you can't; I have Thomas here with me."

"Too bad. I'm already outside."

"How the hell did you get here so fast?"

"I left home the minute I saw you on his Instagram."

Y/N grinned, holding her phone against her chest as she looked up at Thomas. "Aw, babe, he follows your Instagram."

He snickered. "Tell him I'm flattered."

"It's disgusting hearing you call him that." Alex's reaction was loud and visceral enough that she could hear it even before she lifted the phone back to her ear.

"Then I guess you're really gonna hate hearing our wedding vows, huh?"

"'Wedding vows'?" Thomas repeated as he raised a teasing eyebrow, folding his arms. She only shushed him, though a small smile played at her lips.

"Your what?" Alex's reaction was to a similar end, but it had a very different tone. "No. No way. This is where I draw the line. I swear to god, Y/N, if you marry him, there's no way I'm coming to your wedding."

"That's really too bad. I'm sure he'll be disappointed to hear it," Y/N said, and the sadness in her voice was mocking.

"As though he's gonna be invited when we get married," Thomas grumbled. It was her turn, then, to raise an eyebrow.

"'When'?"

He shrugged, but his grin was broad. "After you lemme know your ring size, at least."

"Isn't it a bit presumptuous of you to think I'm going to say 'yes'?"

"Don't tell me you'd really be willin' to start from square one with somebody else after everything we've been through, sweetheart," he replied matter-of-factly. "The only real question is when I propose."

"Don't get ahead of yourself just yet, Jefferson."

"I'm still here!" Alex's shout pulled her back to the phone call she was still on; she rolled her eyes.

"How could I forget?"

"Let me into your flat," he said, and Y/N looked to Thomas with wide eyes when they could hear his loud footsteps in the hallway outside.

"How'd you get up here?"

"Mira let me in."

"God, she needs to stop doing that," she groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Open the door."

She jumped when the sound of him banging on it echoed through her front room. "Alex—" When she regained her bearings, returned to her call, she realized she was talking to a dial tone.

"Unlock this, Y/N." His impatient voice came through the apartment door, that time, muffled, but her head shot up at the sound.

"You need to leave," she insisted. Though Thomas wore a deep-seated frown, neither she nor he moved to get the door. "I don't wanna hear your lecture on how Thomas is gonna ruin my life."

"But he is!"

Thomas rolled his eyes as he stood, and Y/N's eyebrows shot up when she watched him start toward the door. "Wait, at least let me get it," she called after him, but he didn't stop. She stood with a huff to follow him.

He unlocked it. "What d'you want?"

Y/N winced visibly when he opened the door for Alex before she could reach it, and Thomas leaned on one arm against the door frame, towering over him with an impatient eyebrow raised. Alex scowled, undeterred.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at, Jefferson?" he hissed. "You're really gonna toy with Y/N like this? And for what? If you're trying to get at me, at least do it directly."

The laugh Thomas let out was mirthless, condescending. "You really can't wrap your head around the idea that something isn't about you, huh? Guess I shouldn't be surprised, since you've always been this self-centered."

"If it isn't about me, then what the hell is your game?" he asked, taking a step closer, but despite Alex's harsh glare, Thomas raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

"D'you really think there's no way my intentions are genuine? You think Y/N's that unloveable?" he asked. "That's vicious, even for you."

"I didn't say that she—!"

"Must you two do this right now?" Y/N asked, exasperation heavy in her voice. When Thomas turned to look at her, Alex pushed past him.

"Y/N, I'm just trying to save you from him; don't you see that? He—" Alex froze, his gaze fixed over Y/N's shoulder. "Wait. Why are there so many boxes here? And why is your apartment so empty?"

"I'm moving out," she answered bluntly. He raised a wary eyebrow.

"...and going where?"

"Thomas's place."

"You're moving in together?" he exclaimed, eyes wide. "What the hell are you thinking? Has it even been two weeks since you got together?"

"I mean, officially, it's been a month," she said reasonably, "but, really, we've been fucking for almost a year."

"A year?" Alex repeated. "What the hell, Y/N? What were you thinking?"

"Well, whatever I was thinking, it looks like I'm still thinking it." She shrugged. "Or, y'know, maybe I just couldn't make rent, so I started sleeping with a rich guy. I'm trying to be thrifty."

She could hear Thomas snickering at that, but Alex looked beyond appalled. "You couldn't have gone back to sleeping with Lafayette?" —Thomas scowled— "C'mon, I know how much you like him. You didn't have to sacrifice your morals in order to sleep with him, either, unlike you do with Jefferson."

Thomas's glare was burning, and Y/N huffed. "I was never sleeping with Lafayette."

Alex furrowed his brow. "You weren't?"

"No, I—"

"She was sleepin' with me." Y/N’s skin jumped at the feeling of Thomas's arm around her waist, pulling her close as walked up beside her. Alex's eyes widened. "So fuck off, Hamilton. You can't do anything about this. 'S too late."

She couldn't tell whether it was horror or fury that shone in his wide eyes. "Y/N, you've gotta end this. He's awful and manipulative and narcissistic. Don't listen to what he's saying; it isn't too late to get rid of him."

"Is it too late to get rid of you?" she grumbled, and Alex narrowed his eyes.

"I just want the best for you."

"I don't need you telling me what's best for me," she said impatiently. "Either sit down and make peace with him, or leave. You can't just talk me out of this."

"If you wait any longer, it will be too late."

"Too late for what?" she asked. "What the hell do you think is gonna happen? He's gonna kill me in my sleep?"

"I wouldn't put it past him," he said, scowling, and she rolled her eyes.

"Thomas?" she said, turning to him.

"Hm?"

"Are you planning on killing me in my sleep?"

His mild expression didn't change when he answered, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Mmh, thanks for confirming." She turned back to Alex. "Looks like you were right. Thanks for the warning; you can go now."

"Don't just dismiss this!"

"What were you expecting? I was just going to dump him on the spot when you showed up here?" she asked, and Alex huffed, folding his arms.

"If you had any common sense, that's exactly what you'd do," he said seriously. "He manipulates people, Y/N; that's what he does! And that's what he's doing to you. Don't get attached."

"Alex—"

"Listen, Hamilton." Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose as Thomas released her waist, stepped in front of her. He stood dangerously close to Alex, who didn't move so much as a millimeter away. His expression was cold but deadpanned. "I know we've got a lotta issues. That isn't some secret. But it's not your place to try and ruin my relationship, alright? You don't see me bustin' into your house, tryin' to convince your wife to leave you."

"Are you really comparing your little fling with Y/N to my marriage?"

"Little fling?" Y/N repeated incredulously, but both men ignored her. Thomas shrugged, still staring Alex down.

"I don't see why not. You heard us talkin' about gettin' engaged when you were on the phone, didn't you?"

"No way you're actually getting married," Alex scoffed. He turned to Y/N. "You're not really gonna marry him, are you?"

"I..." When she trailed off, Thomas raised an expectant eyebrow. "I'm not having this conversation right now. I'm not about to get engaged under duress."

"See?" When Alex turned to Thomas, she rolled her eyes.

"I'm not siding with you. I love Thomas, but you can't come here and bully us into getting engaged."

At that, his eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Hang on, you love him now?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She groaned, rubbing her temples. "You were more willing to believe that we were were getting married than that we've already said 'I love you'? I told you we've been... sort-of together for almost a year."

"Please. This won't last." He turned back on Thomas. "Y/N's never been in a relationship for more than four months. Now that you're official," —the final word was sneered— "the clock is ticking." Alex's eyes shone with vindication when Thomas raised an eyebrow; the concern in his eyes was genuine, and his gaze flickered back to Y/N. "Yeah, that's right. Don't get comfortable. It's only a matter of time before she leaves you, too."

"Will you shut up, Alex?" She looked more frustrated than anything, and she narrowed her eyes at him. "The history you two have doesn't extend to me. I know you hate Thomas. And I also don't care. It doesn't give you the right to talk to him like that, and it absolutely doesn't give you the right to talk about me like that."

"You're just pissed because I'm right."

"No, I'm not! I just fucking hate that—" Y/N cut herself off with a shuddering breath when she heard her own voice beginning to raise. Thomas squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, and she felt her tense muscles ease as she looked up at him gratefully. She turned back to Alex. "Y'know what? I want you out of my apartment. I don't have to take this from you. Especially not in my own home."

"You needed to hear it," he warned. "Someone needed to say it before this ends in disaster."

"I don't care what you think, right now. I want you to leave." Her firm tone left no room for negotiation, and although Alex glared up at Thomas, he didn't argue.

"Fine. But when he breaks your heart, you're going to regret not listening to me."

"I think I'll survive," she replied dryly. While she was watching him expectantly, he was still eyeing Thomas, and when he spoke, he disregarded her words.

"I still don't know what the hell you think you're playing at, Jefferson, but I'm not letting you get away with it," he snarled. "I can see right through you, and it's only a matter of time until Y/N does, too."

Thomas licked his lips, his jaw tight and shoulders tense. Although his expression bordered on nonchalance, his tone was threatening. "Believe whatever the hell you want, but if you really think for a second that I'm about to let you drag Y/N into your plot to ruin my life, you've got another thing coming," he said, voice low. "Now, if I'm not mistaken, I seem to remember hearin' her ask you to leave."

Alex's narrowed eyes darted between Thomas and Y/N, but after several moments, he just scoffed, meeting Y/N's gaze. "When he starts treating you like shit, don't act like no one warned you it was coming."

She hummed noncommittally. "You'll be the first person I call, just so you can say, 'I told you so.'"

Though he rolled his eyes, he left without another word, slamming the door shut behind him, and Y/N let out a sigh of relief, raking a hand through her hair. "Well, he could've taken that worse."

"I dunno, sweetheart; that was pretty bad," Thomas said, and despite the skepticism in his tone, she shook her head.

"No, Alex has thrown much bigger tantrums about much smaller things," she said, "I'm pretty sure he just got most of his energy out on the car ride here."

"I’ll take your word for it, but..." Thomas trailed off, seeming to have thought better of what he was about to say, and she turned to him with her brow furrowed.

"What, was this seriously the angriest you've ever seen him?"

"Not by far." She eyed him warily when he pursed his lips. "But... what was he sayin' about none of your relationships lastin' more than four months? Was that all true?"

Her eyebrows jumped at the worry that flickered in his eyes. When she stepped forward, laid a hand on his chest, he didn't pull away, and she took that as permission enough to wrap her arms around the back of his neck, to pull him close. "You know he was just trying to get a rise out of you, right? He just wants you to feel insecure in our relationship."

"But was it true?" he asked. "You really never been with the same person for more than a couple months?"

"That has nothing to do with us."

"Answer me." He was looking down at her with severity in his gaze, and she frowned.

"Yeah. It's true." Her eyes dropped away from his as she played with the curls at the back of his neck. "Does that really change the way you look at me?"

"It changes the way I see us, if 'm honest," he murmured, and Y/N brought a hand up to his cheek, brushing her thumb over his skin.

"It shouldn't. None of my relationships lasted because I didn't love any of the people I dated. But I love you, Thomas," she said seriously. "Do you know that you're the first person I've said ever that to? Family and friends aside, of course."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She pushed herself onto her toes to kiss him lightly. "And I mean it. I've always been terrified of commitment, but... being with you doesn't scare me."

"God, I should hope not," he said, a trace of a laugh buried in his voice. "If you were scared, 'm pretty sure I'd be doin' something wrong."

"Well, in all honesty, I was an anxious wreck the first time I told you I loved you," she admitted. "I was almost hoping you'd outright reject me so that I'd have to move on."

His grin was broad. "So, what I'm hearin' is that I oughta stop makin' jokes about marriage?"

"Only if you don’t want me running for the hills," she said, but her tone was playful. "In all seriousness, if you were anybody else, I'd have started packing my bags the minute you asked me for my ring size. There’s a reason I’m still here."

"Good." He leaned down to bump his nose against hers. "'Cause I do wanna marry you. Doesn't matter to me when it happens, but I'm gonna get a ring on your finger if it's the last thing I do."

She grinned. "Go right ahead." When he kissed her, she pulled him tighter against herself and he wrapped his arms snug around her waist. "Guess I'm gonna have to call the jeweler, now," she murmured against his lips. "Gotta see when's the next time they can get me in so I can get sized for a ring."

"Who said I was the one proposing?" Thomas asked incredulously, and Y/N pulled away just enough to look him in the eye.

"Me. You're the one with all the money."

"Now, this doesn't seem quite fair."

She laughed. "Listen, when a million-dollar trust fund falls into my lap, I'll be more than happy to buy the engagement rings. But until then, the burden's on you and your inheritance, Jefferson."

"'N that's a burden I'm more than willing to take on, sweetheart," he said. "The minute I get your ring size, the trust fund'll take care of the rest."

"The minute you get it?"

"If that's what you want."

"Not so fast, Jefferson." She rested a hand on his chest. "Try living with me for a few months, and then we can revisit."

"I'm holdin' you to that."

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yardsards · 4 years

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thinking about that time in freshman year of high school, me and the other kids in my math class were talking about valentine's day, and how it was pretty bullshit that hallmark made it up just to sell cards

so we decided hey, what's stopping *us* from creating our own bullshit holiday? thus came the birth of valentines 2, aka blue liver day

i think we decided that it would be the first friday after valentine's day?

the symbols were the colour blue and cartoon livers, and the mascot was a magical floating can of mountain dew. completely arbitrary bc fuck it

selling or purchasing blue liver day themed products was frowned upon. no consumerism allowed, diy baybee.

the only custom of the holiday was to appreciate the people you see every day, such as coworkers and classmates. wish them all a nice day. bringing in candies or potluck style desserts was encouraged but not mandatory.

it was frowned upon to deliberately go out of your way to seek people out and give them stuff, because the holiday was intended to appreciate the people you see every day, not focus on special friends. also we hated how w other holidays you're obligated to give gifts to loved ones or else risk them feeling unloved, and wanted to avoid that altogether.

we successfully convinced the teacher to let me bring in blue velvet cupcakes that day, it was 10/10

and honestly it was a fun holiday idea. might fuck around and casually celebrate it from here on out (y'know, once i start seeing people in person again). not like my future coworkers will mind free desserts, even if my reasoning is bizarre. it probably will never gain traction but it would be fun if i spread that tradition to even a couple other ppl

#eliot posts

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wildfangz · 6 years

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@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want.

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’. i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust.

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway!

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

#tag meme #about #srry if theres any weird grammar or spelling going on half of this was written when i had a monster headache #and was doing everything but laying down!!!!

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hexitca · 6 years

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I was tagged by @rebellingstagnationblog

1. Coke or Pepsi: Coke

2. Disney or DreamWorks: DreamWork

3. Coffee or tea: Tea but im starting to like coffee with vanilla creamer stuff

4. Books or movies: Books, I can’t sit during a movie anymore lol unless i really like the story or characters

5. Windows or Mac: Windows

6. DC or Marvel: Marvel (Thor, captain america and iron man especially)

7. Xbox or Playstation: Neither on the computer or 3DS

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: I never played but I love watching Dragon Age let plays

9. Night owl or early riser: Both but I prefer Night owl b/c even tho my body is up at 6am, my soul isnt

10. Cards or chess: neither i get bored. unless alcohol is involve lol

11. Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla is always first choice. I can eat chocolate but never chocolate ice cream

12. Vans or converse: Always converse

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: I dont know what this is haha

14. Fluff or angst: Both but I always lean towards angst with a fluffy ending

15. Beach or forest: Forests, i hate sand

16. Dogs or cats: I like both but i rather have a cat

17. Clear skies or rain: Rain if im wearing the right shoes, once i get my feet wet i hate everything lol

18. Cooking or eating out: Both but being a busy grad student im eating out lol

19. Spicy or mild food: SPICY YUM

20. Halloween/Samhain or solstice/yule/Christmas: Halloween ALWAYS

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: A little too cold b/c thats actually the truth im always cold ALL THE TIME

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be: Super strength

23. Animation or live action: Animation!

24. Paragon or renegade: What?

25. Bath or shower: I would prefer baths but i have a shower in my room so i just use that

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Team Stony yo lol (but i would die or kill for Tony/Iron man sorry Steve)

27. Fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy

28. Do you have 3 or 4 favorite quotes if so what are they?

All of them are Lemony Snicket lol:

1) “Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.” (looking at the orange man...)

2) “Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.” (I have had nights like these)

3) “A good library will never be too neat, or too dusty, because somebody will always be in it, taking books off the shelves and staying up late reading them.” (When i was living in Italy, i was a little lost and feeling scared b/c i went alone while everyone else in the school had ppl from their school. so i found the library in the city and hung out in there for the few days until i got adjusted lol)

4) “When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.” (i wish ppl would just do that, when im trying to hide tears the worse thing to do is to ask me a million questions or if im ok 20 times)

29. YouTube or Netflix: Both but youtube is my first choice

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Percy Jackson, i havent read the books but i like the characters better and im a huge mythology nerd lol

31. When you feel accomplished: When i finish an assignment that ive been working on for months/weeks - such a good feeling lol

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I literally never seen any movie from both except for The Force Awakens b/c it has a woman lead and a black man co-lead (kinda lol)

33. Paperback books or hardcover books: Both

34. Fantastic Beasts or Cursed Child: Neither, lol i havent read fantastic beasts but i didnt get into the movie

35. Rock or pop music: Both!

36. What is the most important thing in your life: Drawing, if i couldnt draw i would die

37. Mountains or sea/ocean: sea/ocean but not in the sea/ocean only looking lol

38) Name a couple of songs you’ve been really into recently.

It Ain’t My Fault - Brothers Osborne, I Could Use a Love Song and My Church - Maren Morris, Love Lies - Khalid, Normani, Alone - Halsey, Anything by Florence + The Machine, Dorothy, Halestorm all the time lol

Im not good at tagging so Anyone who wants to do it pls do!

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assholemurphy · 6 years

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so, i’m incredibly drunk rn. like absolutely trashed. it’s absolutely fantastic. i love this. i literally don’t feel a single bad thin at all. and i’m hoping i do a generally decent job of typing bc like, i feel the need to talk abt what just happened.

my brother recently moved in with me, so he was here when my friends and i decided to get drunk (and ofc we included him bc it’s polite) but now he’s pissed at me. bc i tole him not to make fun of me for my relationship w/my best friend. which he thought was hilarious. bc i was openly being vulnerable/showing i rly cared abt him.

i just spent the last 2 hours laying on my best friend’s chest (pretty boy,m ofc, in cfase any of you weren’t aware of the human i care most abt in the world) and telling him i loved him and how much he means to me and all that gross shit you say when you’re drunk and have no inhibitions. and it’s true, i love that man more than i love anyone, he’s my best friend and i’de die for him, but my bro seemed to think this was funny. like i deserved to be shamed for caring abt another human being. bc ofc that’s something ppl should feel embarrassed abt.

so, when i told him not to say anything abt it, he asked me how embarrassed i wanted to be, and i snapped at him. bc that’s rude and i didn’t spend most of my childhood raising that fucker just for him to try to make me embarrassed abt how much i care for the one human being who has ever given a shit abt me, without asking for anything in return. pb has never asked any more of me than i can give, he’s pushed me to be a beeter person, and is always there when i need him to be, no matter what. so i finally told him how much he actually means to me, kind of. i held some stuff back bc i was aware i wasn’t alone in the room (rafiki (who i don’t mind knowing these things) and my bro were in the room, too) but there was much more i would have iked to tell him. like how much he means to me and how i’d die for him and how much i love him. i told him several times that i love him, but i’m not sure he understood the gravity of what that means. i don’t love ppl easily. it takes a lot to earn my trust, and even more to get me to feel comfortable enough to admit i rly, rly care abt you. and i care abt pb more than i’ve ever cared for anyone. period. he’s my best friend, i’d do literally anything for him, and somehow my bro thought that was something to make fun of me for??? after pb and rafiki left??? bc of course it’s okay to tell your trauma survivor sister that she should be embarrased for caring abt the one person who has never made her feel less than human, or broken, or wrong just for her trauma. to make her feel embarrassed bc she admitted to loving that person immensely.

i think he’s a douchebag for making fun of me. for not seeing that saying those things made me feel incredibly vulnerable (a reason i’m sure factored into rafiki’s decision not to weigh in much). i think he’s a prick for making me feel like i should feel embarrassed for caring abt someone else, for loving them, for being loyal to them. there’s nothing pb could do that would make me not love him. he could use everything i’ve ever told him agaisnt me and i’d still care for him deeply, so my bro’s decision to treat that like a joke and ask me how embarrased i want to be when he tells everyone is just disgusting. i kind of hate him for it. esp bc he got pissed off at me for being upset, like any normal person would.

now, i love pb, but i’m not ‘in love’ with him. he’s one of the best human beings i’ve ever met and i’d do anything to ensure his happiness, but having someone else i care abt (albeit to a lesser degree) telling me i should feel embarrassed abt telling him i love him is just fucking gross. pb needs to know ppl care abt him,. i worry abt him constantly. he’s been hurt so often and doesn’t seem to see himself as the amazing human being he is. and sometimes i wish i was in love with him, so i could prove that someone will love him romanticall one da, that he’s deserving of that, but ik it wouldn’t change anything.

he keeps everything together for everone around him but he’s so fragile, so broken, that it kills me. he’s been hurt so often and he honestl doenst deserve that at all. like, this man is one of the best men i’ve ever encountered, i’d go so far as to sa he’s The Best. and v few ppl seem to see that and it’s fucked up.

so for my little brother to take advantage of a vulnerable and intimate confession (that i love pb so v much and that there’s nothing he could do to lose my loyalty) and turn it into his own entertainment is just disgusting. i thought i raised him better than that, but i see my parents rly did get to him.

but the thing is, i’m not embarrassed. there’s no one i wouldn’t tell how much i love him. he means more to me than any person i’ve ever met. he’s helped me more than any person i’ve ever met. he’s the best fucking human being humanity has to offer and to think i should be embarraseed for cfaring abt him is absolutely horrible.

there was a time when i would have been extremely embarrassed to admit i loved anyone that much, but not anymore. pb is the World’s Best Human and i will never doubt that. i love him more than anyone i’ve ever met and i’ll never stop. the only way i’d ever leave him is if he flat out told me to leave, and even then, i’d still remain loyal, i’d still love him, and if he ever needed me, i’d only be a call away.

i will never care as deeply for any friend as i do pretty boy, never. nobody has ever done half as much to earn my trust as he has. nobody has ever cared half as much abt me as he has. and i will NEVER feel embarrassed for caring abt him. he means the world to me. it’s not much to say i’d kill for someone, bc that’s easy to earn, but to say i’d die for someone is another thing entirely. and i’d die for him. there’s not a thing he could ask me for that i wouldn’t give him easily. he’s earned that. he’s been here for me when no one else stuck around. when i was broken, fucked up, and unloveable. he never asked me to be anything more than i am. he never asked me to do anything that would hurt me, tho i’d do anything for him.

there’s not a single person on earth that i value more, that i’d give more for, than him. i’d burn the whole world if it meant saving him. he’s the danny to my bones and i’d do anything for him. he’s my best friend, the one person whose life matters to me more than my own, and that’s saying a lot, considering i’m a survivor and i wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s.

i sound like an overdramatic bitch, bc i am, i truly am, but v few ppl in my life have tried to earn my loyalty. v few have it. but he doesn’t even try, i don’t think. he’s just there. he’s so noble, so caring, that he doesn’t have to do anything special. he’s just an amazing human being. much better than i could ever hope to be, and i’ll never be able to show him how grateful i am to have him in my life.

i’m a drunk, overly emotional bitch rn, but if there’s one thing i know for sure, it’s that i will NEVER, ever be ashamed or embarrased of how much i care for him. he’s done more than anyone else in my life to earn that love, that loyalty, and i’ll never be ashamed of loving him. he’s such a great human and the fact that so many ppl refuse to see that astounds me. bc he’s the sweetest, kindest, most noble person i’ve ever met. no one else has ever rly given a shit abt me, and maybe i have low standards, but i don’t think so. i think that’s he’s genuinely the greatest person i’ve ever met. he cares so much that he wrecks himself in the process. i’ve never met another person who does that for the ppl they care abt. i always thought i was just overly caring and broken, but he does the same thing, only he does it better. and i hate that he takes so much onto himself. he doesn’t deserve to shoulder the weight of the world, not alone. i always thought that i was atlas, doomeed to carry the burden of everyone i cared abt, no matter how much they hurt me, but then i met pb, and i don’t have to hold up the sky on my own.

he’s always talkign abt bricks and how i shouldn’t carry anyone’s but my own, and that’s incredibly hard, bc i was raised to take on the burden of everyone around me regardless of the toll it took on me. but then i found him, and he’s helped me with that. he’s not only helped me understand that some bricks aren’t mine to carry and i shouldn’t have to, but he’s offered 9and p much refused to let me decline) to help me with my own. and that. that means the world to me. bc in all my 23 years of life, not a single person has ever offered to help me with my own shit. i’ve always been expected to carry the weight of others’ burdens, but here he is, helping me with my own, and i don’t know how i’ll ever be able to repay him for what he’s done for me. he’s done more for me in the past year than my own family, all the people i’ve called my friends, have done for me in the entirity of my life. i literally wouldn’t be here without him (and rafiki and goldilocks, ofc, they’re def improtant, too). he’s saved my life, given me hope, taught me to let go of the bricks that aren’t mine, and helped me become a much better person. all in the span of a year. bc he’s a selfless, amazing, noble asshole who sees the hurt in the world and takes it upon himself.

and i will spend the rest of my life making sure he knows he doesn’t have to carry that weight on his own.

so fuck my brother. fuck him for being an asshole who doesn’t understand basic human connection. fuck him for thinking i should be embarrassed or ashamed for admitting i love my friend. fuck him for being a juvenile little bitch who only cares abt how he can embarrass other ppl. he could tell the whole world what i said tonight. he could tell them all how vulnerable and open i let myself be. he could use it against me for the next 50 years. and still, i would not feel ashamed to admit i love my friend. i would not feel ashamed to make myself vulnerable around pretty boy. i don’t care if the entire world thinks i’m in love with him or if they think i’m pathetic for caring so much. i love him and i’ll never pretend i don’t. i shouldn’t have to. fuck what anyone thinks. there’s not a single human being on the planet more deserving of love (not just mine, but in general) as he is. and i will do everything i can to make him see that. bc he doesn’t, and that kills me.

i never rly believed in happy endings, i’m not sure i do even now, but if i know one thing, it’s that nobody i’ve ever met desreves a happy ending than he does. and that’s a goddamn fact.

#text #iz says stuff #iz has friends #i'm drunk and emotional and overly dramatic #but i love my friend #more than anything in the world #and if my brother thinks i'm gonna be ashamed of that #he's fucking insane #bc there's not a single person i'd lie to when asked abt how much i care abt pb #not a single goddamn person #bc no one in my life has ever cared abt me or shown they cared abt me more than he has #so fuck it if the entire world thinks i'm in love with him #fuck the theatre dept and fuck my brother #if they can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic love #then that's on them isn't it?#my only worry is that i'll somehow embarrass pb by not being ashamed of it #or that he'll start to believe i'm in love with him #so i'm not exaclt vocal abt it unless i'm drunk #but dammit #he's the best man i know #he's so kind and caring and gentle #he deserves the wolrd #and apparently he stalks my blog #so there's a good chance he'll see this #and you know what?#good #that self hating fuck needfs to know he's got ppl who wpuld do anything for him #he needs to know he's loved unconditionally #and even if it's not romantic like he needs #it's still love

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wdfa · 8 years

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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

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more-than-what-you-bargained-for · 5 years

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I’m such a moody bitch. I deleted ebony off all social media. And I did it after I ignored him for a week because he tried to use how I feel about him and tried to jokingly throw it in my face like I’d never drop him like the bag of chips that he is..... so I did to prove a point. I only ever texted him because it was an accident and then I felt guilty so I reengaged with him. And it’s been okay. He sort of friend zoned me which was weird and I ignored but then he posted pics of the girl he’s dating with his daughter and I just kind of threw the towel in. Of course I got jealous for no reason cause I friend zoned him along time ago, but I’m used to toxic ass men not taking no for an answer and still trying to pursue me. And he actually did but in a super non aggressive , normal way. What pisses me off is he did mention that he was non monogamous, but he never actually disclosed to me that he was seeing other people. And yes , people are allowed to date other people . But in my opinion, when you move away , and you engage with someone , at a distance in a way that’s more then friends , and then you say you want me to drive 2 hours to visit you, and the presumption of some sort of sexual encounter was implied when you bring it up, you think you’d mention that you’re dating other people. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m wrong on that , but I’m tired of the game I was playing with him, and it was a game. There’s a lot I liked about him, and honestly I think we could of been really good platonic friends , but tell the way he moves through woman , and says he is a feminist , and woman empowerment and yada yada yada... idk, I think he’s a man slut like the rest of em , but his way is so much deeper And it clearly works more for him cause he does get woman. I also know I was a major part in creating this dynamic and it’s my fault mostly, but I didn’t know the player I was playing with or where it would lead. And I’m just tired . It no longer seems genuine. And it was childish to just delete him from social media but it was too easy to play with him , and I know myself and when I got bored, I’d just re-engage with him because it was easy and entertaining. I’m so sick of ppl and the bullshit . And honestly it wasn’t even his bullshit that got me. It’s him ignoring my bullshit. Like you claim to be a friend, why the fuck did you not reach out, ask what’s up, check up on me. I know it ain’t anyone else’s job to call me out, but I kind of did expect him to, cause like ... what are friends for, idk cause I ain’t got any anyways. I think he’s over me to do I guess it makes both our exits easy. As soon as I did it, he will figure it out . Cause I deleted all the pictures he tried to save on snap before I deleted him. So I wonder if he will pretend he didn’t notice or ask me or just not say anything. My bet goes to not saying anything at all ,or pretending like he ain’t notice . But what I will say is I’m gonna really try to get it right in 2020. I’m sick of the heartache of others that I’ve allowed because I just want to feel the pain I think I deserve , which I don’t ... for whatever reason. I need to heal if I’m ever gonna dig myself out of these trenches. I need to conserve my energy to really fight and win these internal battles instead of wasting it on these fuckboys , even the ones who don’t seem like ones ... they always are . I hate the holidays , but it always makes me honest with myself because people always inevitably suck the most around then , even unintentional. I’m so sick of being unloved by people and pretending my life is so full or that I’m okay, especially during the holidays. That’s a lot of the reason I hate the holidays, it’s always an act with people, no ones ever fucking honest. They play dress up and house and give people exactly what they asked for instead of just a thoughtful gift that wasn’t asked for , given by a person you actually know and loves you. Holidays make such a big facade into making people seem like genuine, good people... when every year that just suck more.

#caitlinroseslifeonpaper

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