#i know ill be ok but like i dunno
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#my therapist and i are shifting to as needed#i just have less and less to talk about#its like i go thru stressful thing#i handle it#i move on#i know that its like im coping well but its also like i feel blunted#i know ill be ok but like i dunno#this is what life is#sometimes im just gonna hate myself and hope that lasts ideally an evening or less before it happens again#im really repetitive and boring and annoying and yeah
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Hello! I saw that you had a human design for the Tengu, and I wanted to ask: got any hcs for our bird demon as human? Or just hcs in general, wither will work
Hey! Bro- you won't believe it, but i literally was thinking about Humanized Tengu (for uh- reasons) when I opened tumblr just to see this ask, like deadass??? ad;kjdfdfsa Clearly it was a sign!
But I don't have that many hc about him tbh?? He was a very spontaneous creation for that day, so like here have just some basic info:
the original design i did for ninjavember is kind of how Tengu looked at the prime of his powers in human form, when it/he faced First Ninja.
He is very unnaturally tall, has bone white (practically ashen) skin, with the end of his limbs being dark grey (like literal ash/burned). His body is covered in blue markings like tattoos (very inspired by Law from One Piece haha) and his hair is a mix of feathers and fur-like hair (like birds). He is usually dressed in rich clothes, with his wings acting like sort of cape.
He likes to smoke the pipe ;) its less of actual smoking leaf and more 'energy and fire itself' type of smoking.
He is kind of an asshole, but he greatly (if reluctantly) respects First Ninja because he managed to defeat him and use his powers for his own means. He despises having his powers used by others, but he also kinda respects that it is for a noble cause.
When it comes to Ninjas who came after, he kind of feels like a dad who was forced to take care of kids he never wanted, and those kids literally suck life force out of him, lol.
And that's about all I got for now. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But thanks for the ask i loved a chance to doodle him ;)
#que?#rc9gn#rc9gn tengu#rc9gn first ninja#listen the analogy of First contracting Tengu into an unwilling 'marriage' for noble cause and basically dumping adopted kids on him later#makes me cackle like a deranged person you dont even know#fun info his hair makes him look like a rooster and it freaks Randy out very much ;)#i actually got an absolutely dumb funny idea about his more modern design but i started laughing so hard that now i cant conceptualize it#into words or arts so. uh i dunno maybe ill post about it later tbd#i literally answered this ask the same day i got it and then i struggled to draw like fr and got distracted and shiet#man im drowning in wips <;D i cri#also i refused to aknowledge that i like to make Ninja deal with a certain type of people ok leave me and my fav tropes alone
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attempted earth c multilungal meeting
JOHN: okay, everybody. our first meeting has officially started!
JOHN: i know english, spanish, french, german, some latin, and have a 3 year streak on duolingo! jake, what languages do you know?
JAKE: Christian latin, modern latin, ancient latin, ancient greek, most european runes, a decent amount of southern american tribal languages…
JOHN: okay, uh. any languages that are alive?
JAKE: Oh yes and the romance languages! How could i forget?
JOHN: awesome, so two of us know spanish! dave, ¿también hablas español?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: no sabo
JOHN: pfft, okay then. davepeta, do you know any languages that aren’t a part of your prototyping?
DAVEPETA: B33 < well yeah
DAVEPETA: B33 < kinda rude to suggest otherwise
JOHN: my bad, my bad. what languages do you know?
DAVEPETA: B33 < i taught myself dog to impress jade
JOHN: …uh huh.
DIRK: Can I introduce myself?
JOHN: you taught yourself to watch anime without the subtitles.
DIRK: And?
#submission#this was a lot better in my head#disclaimer: i am white as hell#i used google translate for john#altho i do know what no sabo means. sorta#<- HI CYAN HI HI HI#i think you unintentionally made dave a no sabo kid and that kinda fits like. entirely well for this scenario lmao#'i dunno' and its the wrong conjugation#you get points for trying dude. not your fault#look at me. everybody look at me i am beaming greek-speaking john into your heads ok you will become understanders with me ok#ive gone on tangents about greek john and ill do it again dont test me#homestuck#incorrect homestuck quotes#incorrect quotes#mod dave#john egbert#jake english#dave strider#davepeta#davepetasprite^2#dirk strider#also same hat john i just hit 1125 days on duerlinger last night#that stupid fucking owl cant kill me. ill kill it first
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...
#its weird. ive been feeling mostly ok#which i mostly attribute to the medication working but everything still feels hollow#which i guess i would associate with a lack of enrichment and human connection#but i dunno what i would even b looking for there. i dont kno how to feel joy#so i guess the medication isnt working that well#i dunno. sometimes i think my brain just doesn't work right. things dont connect in the right places#im also grappling constantly with the knowledge that i need to put more effort into reading#i know i bitch about it constantly but i cant express how profoundly frustrating it is to not be at the same reading level and everyone else#at the age of 26. its just gutting every time i cant carry out a conversation on a paper#like genuinely i might have to rethink my whole future bc i dunno. i dunno it just doesn't seem reasonable with my lack of basic#reading skills. im already opperating far above my head. ill read a paper 3 times and not understand. its so frustrating#its stupid. but whatever. im supposed to cultivate gratitude. ill try again tomorrow#im just frustrated bc i kno it wont get easier. i just have to work harder#unrelated
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ok so while my ds is getting sand poured into it at alarming rates I'm thinking about how jrpgs in specific have a really weird desync with How Important Death Is. like some address it better than others but it very frequently happens where if you take a step back youll go "am I wild or is everybody just like, Really down with murder in this game". and consequences for said murder, especially in a characterization sense but even just actual physical consequences, don't really happen? unless it's a vehicle for conflict but like. when it is a vehicle for conflict it feels weird because why are These Guys actually taking the fact we killed somebody in broad daylight seriously and coming after us for it while all the other npcs and even the main party took it like it was another saturday evening
see I Think where the issue lies is in the fact that everything is in its own little world when you're in a battle? like. when you fight an enemy and you get leather out of it it's seen as something the enemy Drops and not. their hide. when you defeat a character in a battle it does just feel like you Defeated them. unless there's dialogue afterwards that says otherwise you don't even mentally assume you killed em you just wounded them enough to make them flee or dissolve or whatever. and it's Weird to just. have that assumption there because for a lot of games it really isn't clear if you're killing them or defeating them !!
that last point is extra important when you have the specific brand of Skittish Hero / Noble Hero Who Doesn't Kill People / Rational Hero In Way Over Their Head or whatever where you really don't think they Would kill a guy just to get them out of the way. in that case it's REALLY weird because it's hardly brought up. even if it Is brought up that that guy Sure Did Die the mc doesn't tend to actually have a reaction ??? and I don't know why this is ???? like Any written reaction would be more interesting than nothing even if the guy doesn't have a full on crisis about taking another life having them go "oh shit, The Consequences" would be nice. really anything except (oh cool we can advance the plot now).
I will also mention that Some deaths do matter plot wise but very frequently what makes them matter is how much of it is linked to an in game battle I think. if your mc just finishes a fight and comes back to the overworld and the guy's Disappeared or Dissolved or whatever it means they don't matter. if the guy's still around after the fight it means it's more significant, especially if they're still alive but wounded or Really Shaken Up. because this clears up the indistinguishable line between if a battle is lethal or not and if a character decides to deal a finishing blow now it's Way more telling of their character. even though this is basically the same thing that happened in the (killed In A Battle) scenario. just with more dialogue. I will also mention that the person who deals the finishing blow is Rarely Ever that good hearted protagonist and often they'll even go :0 at somebody else committing a murder despite them instigating and helping murder quite a few people. just. In Battle. so it's less bad. I guess.
this is leaving out the fact that in party deaths are often a Major Major Blow because like. ok that's fair. that's A Guy You Knew that's understandable. anyway I don't really know where I'm going with this I just think it's interesting how in these types of games death can swap from not mattering at all to mattering a Lot and if u don't think about it too hard u don't even question it. I'll probably be putting some examples in the tags idk
#i will note that in this specific instance most of my party Is actually super down with murder like vocally#so its less weird but it Is weird that the mc does. Not Seem The Type.#i mean not to say he should have tried to spare everybody i think its kinda neat that he doesnt but#if the fact that he doesnt was brought up at all thatd be interesting. have him acknowledge he killed a dude#but no hes just kind of standing there like (ok what next) no leaning one way or another#these would all be interesting reactions if they were actually Brought Up in dialogue but no its just. oversight#anyway this is about sand but ive also felt this about live a live and even bits of twewy#like specifically in lal the fact that the edo chapter Exists and killing people is just Battling Them made me look at Every Other Chapter#thru a lens of (okay am. am i killing these dudes.) and the answer is I DUNNO#like the guy exploded into a cloud of mist theres no way hes Not dead but its STRANGE#this felt most noticeable in the imperial china and present day chapters because they had mcs who decidedly did not feel down with murder#specifically present day because masaru is fighting this guy for the crime of killing a guys. and woa. he killed a guys. with his Hands#i think theres only a handful of deaths in lal that actually mean anything and you can tell which they are because they dont explode#like in You Know The Part with The Character I Cant Say that guys i think the only time defeating an enemy Leaves A Corpse#ok actually thats a lie the Other Guy I Cant Say in The Chapter Before That also died like that and that was equally important#s also worth mentioning that said first guy can ? also die without leaving a corpse? just turn to ash??#depending on where u go with him. which is weird right. thats weird right.#maybe that just means (hey youre not supposed to feel bad about him dying this tiiiime)#anyway its 5 am ill post this in the morning#veespeaks
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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bro i really am just.
😀
i am just fucking sitting.
#GIRL.......not nerdy guy just texting me cause i havent responded in more than two weeks 😭 OH CMON I JUST FORGOT YOU i cant be getting#delusional over him aGAIN..... he just texted me “hey (name)? where've you gotten lost?” okokok. the fact he hasnt forgotten my ass yet? ok.#slay mayhaps but also... why🤨 anyways. i came to uni today and barely talked to anyone💀💀💀 he doesnt share today's particular lesson so#we haven't seen eachother in like............. more than a month? give or take..#so if i decide to show up again tomorrow ill most likely see him. so. ill have to dress up extra cute. why? i dunno. my brainworms tell me#to do so. see#i wouldve dressed cuter today but i was too tired and didnt have enough tjme.....#im kinda running on not enough sleep but i meant to say we dont share today's particular class.#ive almost forgotten how his dumb cute lil loir face looks like. hm.... anyway.#im tired. took too much hydroxyzine and almost fell asleep in class 💀 someone nameless bitch gave me a dirty look and i was like ok i dont#eveb know you why the disgusted face💀 youve never seen a sleepy angel or what#“some* nameless bitch”#especially an angel sleepy cuz of a “drug” like cmon. grow up. 🙄#placeholder tag
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anyway speaking of the vatican trio i was so overwhelmed by the need to see their goofy dynamic that the angsty scene i was writing suddenly became rather silly.
hestio and ephael stop making every scene you're in comic relief challenge. this was supposed to be a serious scene
#a transmigrator's privilege#the perks of being an s class heroine#vatican trio#mimin trying to write#tesilid argente#ephael chaletino#hestio ligenel#is it bad that i already have ephael and hestio's full names memorised#i dont even remember what i learned last semester#i dunno how to write early round tesilid#how goofy is HE#he's probably still very silent but i like to think that the other two's goofiness rubbed off onto him#and what's his thought process like blease we've only seen depressed tesilid#sobbing and crying what was he like when he was like actually in his 20s#i dont even know if ill keep this scene in the final draft but it's too goofy not to share#like honestly this isnt even my usual tesilid voice#i just wanted hestio and ephael scenes so much that it bled into tesilid too 😭😭😭#its ok he can be a little silly its the early rounds#(i had to divide the round number by 2 to match the tone)#im probably gg to have to drastically revamp this scene bc its lowkey giving me ooc icks#but look this is the kind of silly shit hestio and ephael make me write all the time 😭#guys STOP IT
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Whats a nice way to tell people that freaking out every time a massive corporation uses AI art and acting like THATS what shows they have no morals is silly.
#I dunno guys.#this is about the w/acom thing#Like is it just me or is it like....where was wacom getting the images-#-they used for their products before. Does it really matter theyre using AI generated stock photos now?#Also personally people have gotten so paranoid about AI I dont actually believe anythings#actually AI generated until someone admits it#Like Ill admit Im bad at being able to tell and I dont think staring at images trying to find#any inconsistency and taking that as proof the robots made it is like. actually a useful method here#I dont know I still am very apathetic to the 'its taking jobs from artists!' argument#Still of the stance those jobs were already gone/this was always#the direction the industry was heading#and people are focusing too much on the use of AI specifically as this grand evil thing#I do think it is gonna take jobs I dont know my point here is it still feels to me like#people are mad that theyre not gonna be able to be exploited anymore. If that makes sense.#Like these jobs already sucked and youre mad youre not gonna be able to be overworked instead of being mad about the way the industry like#Is. Like theres a reason these big companies are using AI it fits a trend but you just wanna focus on the AI use specifically. IF THAT MAKE#SENSE. SORRY.#Also not saying people should be thankful for AI taking their jobs Im saying talk about more then the fucking AI#Ok anyway
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i need like... a fanfic helper, you know? someone to just go to with all my ososan questions and to get second opinions i was telling my roommate (who i bother enough with all my qs) that i need like, an ososan veteran on standby who wants to help me and knows all the ins and outs, cause as much as i love ososan, im still new here and there are always new things im finding out, you know? I still havent made it through all the drama cds and ... uah i dunno... I guess i just wish for more knowledgeable people to speak with i guess
#spice.txt#spice.ososan#spice.vent#cause whatever im gonna ramble about here out of view will probably be a little venty#like i know im annoying and overbearing when it comes to things like this...#cause despite wanting to be ok with being alone in a fandom space its so hard to do so when you want to collaborate/ask for ideas and thing#but at the same time dont want to be the annoying begging one for help... not wanting to be the person everyone sees on the dash like#'ugh not this one again. are they ever going to shut up?' because things like this has happened before... and itll happen again#if someone doesn't explicitly tell me that they want to be friends and speak with me#then i will simply keep my distance because ill automatically think that every time im talking to them that im bothering them#all because of stupid trauma and my stupid head...#sorry this went on too long and ill probably delete it in a few hours.... i just needed to just... i dunno#esp since [redacted] happened im more sensitive than ever about shit like this because i guess im just not meant to make friends#delete later
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ughghghghhhhhhhhh
#fiaposting#vent incoming!!! sorry lmao#i just like. i dunno. lemme talk a bit to fill in the space#before the tag readmore#ok ok ok ok this is probably good#anyway#FUCK#i really wish there was somewhere i could express. you know. ideation. and talk about past you know ideation#without people automatically thinking im some whiny little traumadumper#or getting worried and forcing ME to be concerned about THEIR wellbeing when IM the one whos struggling#or risking being reported or having the fucking authorities called on me or some shit#everyones like oh if youre feeling like that you should talk to a friend! uwu#oh you should call this number! bring it up to a therapist! uwu uwu uwu#they dont fucking get it#they dont fucking get that its not that simple and it never will be#i understand why the threat of being reported or involuntarily committed is always there#its supposed to be to save peoples lives#i get that#but in my case itll be what fucking does me in#because of that threat i will never open up to anyone and ill keep it all sealed in forever until it really does kill me#and no one SEES A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT#AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#im not gonna do anything rn dont worry about me i am just really upset lmao
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genuinely tried to Be Asleep for like two hours this time and just couldn't. I think i'm cursed [unwell]
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#feels pretty much like the first night i got sick (remember that breakdown? lol) except this time i have Overcome the illness#mostly anyways.#but yeah i'm just. augh. not only do i have to deal with literal nightly thoughts of sh now i can't even sleep?!#my curse of Hearing Things immediately working against me the moment i can't hear things clearly#cause ... now i REALLY don't know whats going on#like i know it's not my business and shouldn't be my business but a) i live here and b) i have to hear it either way.#just ... yeah. now that we're probably as settled in as things are gonna get i REALLY do not feel like i'm meant to be here#not in general; as in this physical actual space. there's no thought that something should be made for all of us since they have work#& i ... well i do but [redacted]. so it's the work i make for myself mostly. but yeah so it doesn't matter if nobody sees me eat breakfast#(dont care about that anyways) and it doesnt matter that nobody sees me eat dinner (maybe i care A Little ok) because the whoooole rest of#the day is nebulous Lunch Time. and oh boy let me tell you. i'm not having that either#cause uhm. 'you can eat our food' only means so much until money comes into the equation#like BOY if i thought i was messed up about that before let me tell you: it has become Worse#i dunno. i try to have good days and yet the moment its Asleep Time i am someone completely different#like ... it's like seasonal depressiom but WORSE because theres SUNLIGHT and i LOVE SUNLIGHT#no yeah i think that's exactly the sort of thing i can liken it to now that i think of it#cause i always have like... seasonal issues when it starts gettin dark around 4-5ish range. except right now its summer so its NOT#wish i knew how to really be normal. then maybe at least if i wouldnt have good music making material i could like. meaningfully contribute#to my existence as a roommate#'i'm doing great' says man who is somehow Still Not#relatedly i think my next public facing breakdown is either gonna be about this still or about spinning in the pride parade. time will tell#....i can hear them AGAIN i know why IM up why are THEY#/bangs on wall Go To Sleeeeep leave me alone to also sleep T_T#that's ... that's a joke by the way i'm not doing that. i do feel more tired now so maybe i will have somewhat restful sleep. hopefully
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HASHTAG
#I keep speaking in the tags to much#So this post is entirely tags#Ive been wanting to talk about my really stange sense of empathy that just kinda vame outta nowhere#but the words just kinda fail to word properly#i wont speak to much about it for personal reasons but maybe its cause by this sudden rift ive cause with the people I know?#a sense of guilt maybe?#I dunno#all i knows is that it just kinda came out of nowhere and my normally cynical way of viewing things has mellowed out#even if just a little#text post#lmao i dunno why i did this either#sorry for not posting art btw ive been busy helping a friend by making some assets for their dnd campaign#Ill try to find something but ive really a whole lotta nothing to really inspire me to draw rn#ok this is to many tags for my liking maybe next post ill speak normally#this is like the third time ive tried making this post its late im tired im goin to bed...
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...
#holy fuck. i dont think ive ever been so angry for so long#i got the email abt the change to the end of this experiment at like 7.30am and i was like crying while i was watering#and that dispair consolidated into anger over the course of the day. by like 2pm i was like possessed#by the spirit of a angsty teen boy and wanted to punch some holes in drywall. i was so fucking angry#and the 1st email i got back was like: well u can do sunday/monday for extra measurements if u want#and i was like fucking WHAT? why the fuck cant i just start thr fucking dry down tomorrow?#literally why??? fucking why????? the other half of the experiment is drying tomorrow so what the actual fuck???#and apparently it just didnt occure to them that we could do both at once. and they wanted to give me the option of a break#which. i appreciate the sentiment but jesus fucking christ u have no idea the atrocity we just avoided#if i had to drag this out until Wednesday i genuinely dont know what i woulf have done. if i had to drag this out until Wednesday only to#find out i didnt have to. i dunno. i would probably have thrown a tantrum like a child. god. ive been here like 10.5hrs now and 1 more to#go. fucking editing and emailing and fixing stupid shit. and my boss is like: email the editor both proofs so he can show reviewers the#changes. as he stated in his email. and im like fucking: ok. ok. ok. ill fucking do it but he has the 1st fucking proof already and the#fucking production office just asked me to send the 2nd proof which i already fucking sent. so maybe its just i cant fucking read#ugh. im not mad at her. this isnt her fault. im just unwell. ugh. i dont wanna b around ppl this week. i dont wanna have to pretend to be#a person. just leave me alone to cry in my freezing apartment as i let all my problems boil over#unrelated
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gweeeeeeeehhh. this booze cured my weird anxiety but im still sort of bored. and i wanna talk to someone But also i act stupid when im drunk so generally speaking its better to go to bed unsatisfied than makke a fool out of myself in front of somebody i know
#that said. i still crave social interactiion........................... see this is why i should get drunk at bars instead#if they had a bar that charged like. 50kr per drink i would be SET#what they dont realize is that at bars where they have 'normal' (read: insane) prices people buy like one MAYBE two drinks#but if they had an ultra cheap bar theyd make MORE money because people would buy like 10 drinks#either spend 200 on two drinks or spend 300 on 6 drinks. itd just be so much better#n e ways. maybe ill even delete the tags about my economy because Well frankly u dont need 2 know about all that#ok so i did delete those tags. they were 2 incriminating#none of u ewill ever know the real me Im an enigma and some other stuff i dunno i forgot
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hehehehe
#the bin#got pot n stuff so i can make mac now :D#getting an uber to work costs the same as i get paid an hour but old shitty roommate said theyd pay 4 it since theyre the reason i have 2#although knowing them i fully expect them to turn around and say i owe it to them. good thing ill have no reason to keep up a civil#relationship with them. well. only 2 more days of needin to uber. living in an apartment feels weird#but i actually feel like a real adult now. guess because i no longer have someone in charge of me bc my sister really isnt#i pay rent. less that her but her room is wayyy bigger anyway so its fair#idk. i didnt realize how much of me still feeling like a child was because of where and who i lived with#even after i got my job a month ago i still felt that way but immediately after moving it changed. had a mini breakdown the day of#but like. i feel way better than i prettyuch ever have now aside from the still not having friends thing#but my job is going well. my social anxiety is surprisingly not kicking my ass rn. i dunno why. but its nice. i think things are ok
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