#i kept having to force myself back to it

[i-like-turkey]

I saw your Bluesky account was no longer active. I had also noticed you hadn’t posted since thanksgiving. I hope you’re ok and Pupperoni is also doing ok. Holidays can be brutal. Please know you are valued. And you are important.

Thanks for checking in on me!

Short answer: My pup is doing great. I’m not. But I’m alive and fully intend to stay that way.

Long answer: 2024 is officially in the running for the worst year of my life. It started with two massive losses in February and then another one in early May. I dealt with my dog grief by going out and getting a puppy. She is the only reason I got through those early days cause instead of not sleeping cause I’m bawling my eyes out, I was not sleeping cause I was getting up multiple times to take her potty. And then during the day I was too busy chasing her around to feel much of anything.

But then May hit and her behavior started changing. Instead of my biggest worries being a noise complaint cause she’d bark herself to sleep in her crate, it was can I get her out of my apartment without her biting my arms down to the bone and ripping my clothes to shreds and accidentally strangling me with the strap to her treat bag?

So this last summer was fucking hell. I tweeted a bit about it, but y’all don’t know half the story. Imagine being ten minutes from your car and your dog is so scared that she’s lost her fucking mind and the only thing she can do at that moment is attack YOU. She doesn’t care about sticks or treats or sniffing grass or anything else. All she wants is to bite YOU. And now you've gotta figure out how to get her back to your car without losing a finger or having someone call animal services on you.

I was bleeding daily and sleeping maybe 3-4 hours a night even though my pup was finally sleeping through the night cause I was stressed and cause was on a mission for answers. I was constantly Googling dog training and behavior and getting tips and seeing horror stories about dogs that had to get put down because they were acting like my pup. And that thought was killing me cause I couldn’t fathom losing another dog so soon after I said goodbye to my first baby.

So I wasn’t myself this summer. I was quick to anger and couldn’t think rationally and more stressed out than I’d ever been at any point in my life, law school included. Those days are now just a blur of horribleness and I’m glad that we got my pup’s medication figured out and that we're through them.

But getting through them has brought clarity and time and the mental state to actually deal with my grief and process all of the other things that I’ve lost throughout the year. I used the analogy for grief last chapter of a semi-truck of elephants strapped to Kate’s back. That’s appropriate for me here especially in December, but Kate’s swiss cheese analogy actually fits my situation better. I’m full of holes. I’ve lost big, massive chunks of my life and they aren’t coming back and there's no replacement for them. I’m empty and I’m lonely and I need to get my shit together because I can’t keep going on like this.

And that means I need to leave fandom. I’ve tried to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is ok, but I can’t do that anymore. Opening social media is just a reminder of the past and what’s gone and what’s not coming back and how sad and lonely I am. So it’s time to go. I deactivated bluesky. I haven’t opened IG in ages. Idk what I’m gonna do about it yet. I’ll figure it out. I might delete or I just might let it be a zombie account. My twitter accounts can live on as zombies. I will keep tumblr because it predated my participation in the Kacy fandom, but I don’t think I will be around much. I need to focus my scant free hours on cultivating real life connections.

[ikol-art]

Got 3 more tattoos the other day, I'll post them when they've had touchups and have healed again but this time I got the paw print of my doggie that died recently, some soot sprites and the blue spirit mask and white lotus tile

[charliespringverse]

... it's just hit me that lister describes the bathroom kiss as assault and even when jimmy reassures him that he doesn't see it that way and doesn't have a problem with it, lister refuses to accept that it was anything other than objectively assault

while two days earlier jimmy insisted that a 32-yr-old having sex with lister at age 16 was wrong, despite lister not seeing it that way and not having a problem with it

does that mean that lister took that conversation on board but only as far as "the person on the receiving end of an advance can't accurately assess whether or not it was wrong" and is now equating himself to the woman that took advantage of him . because i will weep

[phant0m-l0rd]

Lee Soo-hyuk in Local Hero (2016)

[seventh-district]

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

[goblin-enjoyer]

*draws something for the first time in a while. “Man I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!”

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

“Oh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!” Loop post

[reitziluz]

not-delirious from not-fever and skimming through the old fic and trying to remember the current outline and having a sinking feeling that. things might go off the rails sooner than i thought

i had done shou so dirty and tossed one whole juicy plotline into the trash in a single chapter. what the hell. it's the exact substance the later moody drama needs to hit.

ofc to be fair, when i was writing the original, canon hadn't been finished yet.

still like. i'm going to get so fucking much out of the suzukis. damn.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

speaking of bsol through speaking of xmas xtrav that like i'm so augh god hand over heart falling over (just like the bloodsong b/c it's the like conclusion of being Overwhelmed By Artistic Effect that then in the ideal version you may as well die) at the thought of the finale where you have the main plot conclude as that Story w/those Themes like ah but even then, the influence, the other the musicians now, that this whole time like yeah you have to do it even if you just keep building or die or were thwarted even prior to that b/c you didn't know you wouldn't be....but that then just like in the opening song Outlaw or sort of distillation of the theme abt being someone making art Last On Land or that at other points other characters have emerged as not really their characters not really a greek chorus but elements of the story helping to Tell It, here's Everyone again for the friendship song altogether & each with an instrument & like not even able to see it but pics & imagining & the enthusiasm & the Thematic Resonance like this is when you are pursuing these pursuits together like _o__ (splayed out facedown emoji) aaauuughhh ;;mm;; bsol finale with everyone showing up playing & singing & dancing the song celebratory finale it's all the Theme when the full cast of Characters had only ever all been together for the one standoff scene at the end & yet obviously We've known them all & everyone is outlaws which is a song like i'm already going sicko mode & this is just the intro, so yknow, The Conclusion, good lord find an iconis musical finale without that place for the celebratory outpouring of enthusiasm right amidst other feelings & situations but Good Lord Here's This in a story that'll always have been all about people's depths & heights & widths & breadths & variations & tumult & all the dimensions, people will have Brought It all over the place & it's like yes leap around together playing & singing this song together which isn't The Story but is such an extension of it b/c bsol has its show within the show quality still infused all in it & if this flurry of Actors Celebrating Outpouring We Put On This Show but still within the show you are seeing as an audience in this venue wouldn't have been part of the original plan with a whole [outside the show within the show] plotline like. embraces bsol holding it so hard my becherished

[slippery-minghus]

been Officially No Contact with my mom for a little over two weeks now, and having gone through this already with my dad makes it easier in some ways, but not all. I'm really proud of myself for making up my mind and clearly setting my boundaries--it's something that's historically been really fucking hard when it comes to my mom. i've really gotta thank my (new-ish? does a year still count as new?) friends for showing me how healing and healthful relationships are supposed to feel... among many, many other things, of course. my mom and i came a loooong fuckin way, but compared to the ease? compared to the simple, non-judgemental, fun, and care? the reciprocity? mother could never 💅

yesterday, i made a few calls to get my affairs in order regarding my mom. that was one of the things that having been through this before... made a lot easier. just having the script to call up a place and say "I am a dependent on my mom's account and would like to remove myself" was night and day. it helped that they weren't the financial control hooks my dad had in me, that certainly made it easier too--but the little ways of Mother making herself Useful are still burrs in my fur.

I went to the thrift store yesterday as well, and came across the twin of her favorite coffee cup. and i just felt... sad. sad because seeing that cup should have comforted me, but it didn't. it just reminded me of all the space between us. i thought about getting it, to honor the memory of the mother i should have had, of the crumbs of care that, added up, would hardly have filled that single cup. but it wouldn't be a connection to a person i'd be bringing into my home. it would just sit, empty, taking up space--just like any modicum of a relationship with her would.

so i just let myself be happy to have seen that cup and feel the small ember of warmth it represented, then left it where i'd found it. it feels good to have made up my mind.

[immortalsins]

not to keep muaythaiblogging but im so proud of myself i could cry

[bare1ythere]

Wait what do you mean I might not actually be able to do as much as other people. What do you mean the way im currently managing my coursework is going to lead to extreme burnout. what do you mean my disability is actually disabling

[digitalgate02]

i'm just upset about people simply assuming malice every single time there's something new in the Advverse.

turns out ▽ was not made out of malice, it was just incompetency.

Kizuna & 02TB had legit care about the lore, so i'm comfortable more with them.

my sensitivity is that i'm tired of clout and mockery in this fanbase. it's OK to dislike things, but i'd like to be able to agree to the disagree and call it a day.

i'd like if we could just be optimistic at least ONCE. (me included, yes.)

[talesofwhimsy]

WHY?, “Sin Imperial" // Car Sear Headrest, “I Can Play the Piano”

[dragonji]

just scheduled my psych eval for hrt [insert situationally appropriate emoticon for when youre more excited but also more sick with nerves than youve ever been in your entire life]

[dirt-str1der]

Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!

[musical-chick-13]

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