#but forced myself to go today
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not to keep muaythaiblogging but im so proud of myself i could cry
#usually when i'm this tired and stressed i'll skip classes and any other event#but forced myself to go today#and it was amazing#i think that guy really is my friend now#made him laugh#we partnered up the whole time#he's so sweet and encouraging#AAAAAAAAAAAA#ANYWAY#also spoke to the coach about other classes and he's invited me to free sparring sessions#he's lovely too#i also did smth and got an 'exactly' from him earlier#long story but felt so good jdbdjdj i crave praise#he was slightly odd about me being the only woman but that's expected#OH and it was a small class so he did what he called 'messing around'#aka silly stuff#like a version of a spinning back kick#had so much fun with that and i think i was decent at it#feels amazing to do stuff with your body like that and notice it improving the more you try#my friend kept moving the pads slightly higher without telling me lmao#this stupid ramble is exercise endorphins lmaoo#despite the shitshow of everything else rn#at least i can have some fun and relax in a combat sports class#for the very first time
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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what do they fill horror podcasts with i swear. its like i start one and i blackout and suddenly its a week later and i've listened to eight hours of episodes every day since then
#malevolent#the magnus archives#the magnus protocol#red valley#welcome to night vale#just tagging the ones that have sucked me in but people are free to add their own#i started malevolent yesterday and spent eight hours listening today. i could easily stay up all night to finish the rest of season one but#im forcing myself to go to bed for my own good#hyperfixation goes hard on podcasts i dont know why
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happy may the fourth !! have a silly meme <3
#the original caption of this was the star wars which exists in my head is better (gayer) which amused me#however i kept putting off posting so now i’m forcing myself to post it now#was going to finish a fic for today. but i did not do that.#tcw#star wars#cody#commander cody#sw cody#codywan#<- implicitly#to me
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dont talk to me the cute apartment i wanted but knew i shouldn’t rent went off the market along with my cottage core fantasies im going to need 162818 gojo figurines to get over this one
#what a slap in the face to lose ur fantasy and also be forced to write tests at work tomorrow#im ngl tho i could feel it in my heart when it went off the market#i was like i sense she is gone#earlier today when i went to go buy coffee and was like i wanna go for a walk but not over there bc thats where the Apartment is#telling myself its okay bc we save the hassle#;-; im going to cry#gonna be waxing poetic about the nature of fantasies for the next few days#girl this pms round wild can she just happen already
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today I ended 28 years of abuse.
I packed my stuff and walked in and out of my childhood home for the last time.
And im pressing charges.
wanted to add the pictures of the sunset I took today ☀️
#I’m so scared for this next chapter of my life and I’ve never been more ready#I’m proud of myself#I will never have to deal with this again#thank you to god or universe is who have put good people in my corner to help me with the next steps and my new life#tickle community#ticklee#tickletorture#tickle thoughts#tickle tickle#tickle#tickle content#ticklish#tword community#non tickles#also I’ve lived with partners before I have not lived there most of my adult life but my parents abuse continued and they allowed#and encouraged my serious partners to abuse me as well#I would try to leave and be forced to go back into abusive situations#this is the first time I’m actually free#I paid my first months rent today and I get my keys on Friday#this is so unreal
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Sorry for not being as active as I used to be y'all, I haven't been on here because I've been pouring most of my focus into finishing a backlog of commissions and it has unfortunately left me with no energy to interact and socialize here lol
For the past week alone I've been working on this BEAST of a comm, and both me and my setup had a bit of a technical difficulty with just how BIG this specific commission was, in terms of details and quite literally file size too (this was originally a 5000x3000 piece, which caused a lot of black screens and me waiting for my PC to catch up everytime a 15-minute autosave was happening)
I feel like me suddenly being inactive was a necessary thing as well because as much as I don't want to admit it, my socials have been a bit... distracting... in this pursuit, and I am realizing a very concerning problem. And as such, I had to cut off and limit the amount of times I will be present here in an effort to exert self-control and instill discipline on myself.
I do not have anything new to show unfortunately, and may continue to NOT be able to show anything Digital Circus AU or fandom content at all, so all I can say is I'm sorry is this post is disappointing news because you followed me for that kinda thing.
Also I got a tooth infection(?) and a pink eye lol, how fun /s (don't worry though, I'm still fine and not really in a painful situation, just a minor inconvenience)
#Ziku's insane rambles#blog update#life update#personal post#I think this means I'm on an undetermined hiatus??#one that will probably force me to pop up once in a while and go “what's up guys” and then dip again#can't promise I will be active at all#this is a situation I HAVE and NEED to do because I've unfortunately brought this upon myself and am reaping the consequences of it#rest assured I will come back in full force#one day#but not today
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5 October
#proof I went outside !!#october#4.01pm#literally only forced myself outside for a total of 3 mins on this gloomy ass day#but it actually still slightly improved my day 10/10 recommend going outside#so overwhelmed today but still in the world !!#as soon as I came back in crazy thunder and pouring rain wtf
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are you guys sick of me always talking about gojo satoru be honest
#— ai rambles#do you ever go like *eye roll* will she ever stop *eye roll*#or are you like oh there she goes again the world will not end today ig#i’m sorry either way 😔 i try to hold back#it could’ve been worse#i can’t help myself 😔#i can’t force myself to talk about things i am not passionate about for the sake of others 😓
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THE EIGHTH SENSE | EPISODE 9
#the eighth sense#asianlgbtqdramas#kdrama#oh juntaek#im jisub#forced myself into making gifs today cause i've been dead for the past two weeks#and if i didn't do anything about it i would keep going like this#111gif
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I've been reading Exodus lately and I've just gotten to the portions where God gives the first commands to the people via Moses (twice), and then goes on to give detailed instructions about the tabernacle and how it should be built, and I'm just... we think art is unimportant?? we think things only mean as much as their functionality?? we so easily fall into the trap of believing that beauty means nothing, that it's cheap and only worth whatever mindless distraction it brings, that it's barely more than a cheap sensual thrill, that buildings should just be practical and plain and cheap, that everything should be functional but ultimately disposable, that paintings and dresses and mugs and curtains and carpets are just pretty but have no real value, that beauty is fleeting and vain and therefore shouldn't be thought about too much, if even looked for at all... we fall into these traps so easily, and we forget that there are chapters upon chapters of painstakingly detailed plans to build one portable worship tent, and those plans have been handed down through thousands of years of human history, because beauty and art and skill in craft is important
#I have to go get ready for work now but I will come back to this#and don't even get me started on the parts about God calling specific craftsmen *by name*#he called them!! by name!!! he said 'this man is good at his job. he creates beautiful work. he will build my temple and make it beautiful'#and even more--God inspired him!!!! it was a calling of GOD for him to create beautiful carvings and tapestries and candlesticks!!!#look even if you're not jewish or christian or religious at all you have GOT to see what it means that all these incredibly detailed plans#for building this tent-temple are extremely important#because even if you don't believe in God and don't think that this is all significant bc he personally gave the instructions#and then helped preserve this record of them so we could still read them today#you do have to see how important they were to the people of that time who first wrote them down#and the extreme care that was taken to record all of those detail#AND the fact that it's been preserved for so long and we can still read all the care that was put into creating this incredible piece#of artwork and worship they made#gurt says stuff#I just. gahhfhhfj. I'm feeling emotional about chapters of the Bible that I can't even fully force myself to pay attention to#bc there's so MUCH and I'm bad at visualizing this stuff and I tend to zone out while listening to it#but the fact that it IS that much!!! that there SO MUCH DETAIL and it goes on for SO LONG that I even struggle to pay attention!!!#that this was THAT IMPORTANT to the people who wrote it and to God!!! as an artist and someone who has always cared about art#this means so much to me ok#christianity#bible verse#bible thoughts#exodus#art#theology
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google search dark magic spells to kill your bitchass professor
#sorry have to do a tiny vent here#oh my GOD he makes me so fucking angry#every time he starts to slowly earn my favor back he takes it and spits in my face#I know I’m being over dramatic about it in reality but. GOD he pisses me off#todays class was so fucking miserable oh my god#but luckily there was coincidentally ANOTHER free drag show at my school tonight#so I forced myself to get up and go to that bc I knew it would make me feel better and it did 👍#thank you drag 👍
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adding 'tentacles are in the walls' to my list of vague x mansion facts
(X-Men #25)
#xmen#xmen comics#professor x#charles xavier#snap scans#snap chats#i solemnly swear not to abuse this information <- lying#like ya couldnt have built an elevator .... or a ramp ........ why do you do this to yourself this seems complicated dont you think#forced to ask the question how many other bits a bullshit like this exists in his house. i hope the answer is a lot#charles xavier has the right to turn his house into inspector gadget's cousin i think but how do you even come to this solution#'theres a very slim possibility i'll walk downstairs and fall how should i protect myself if the time comes. wall tentacles.'#like girlfriend. did you know i love you.#ok im finishing this issue than im working. im going to the comic shop with my friend later today so thatll be fun !!!!!#bye :)
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they shouldve brought back his cross chain💔maybe a smaller version idk but i get why they didnt since he probably wants to let go of his past life as a thug ig
hrngg........
#like a dragon infinite wealth#iw spoilers#i GUESS#daigo dojima#snap sketches#no cause ive doodled iw-casual daigo with his cross necklace before but i dont like those drawings#forced myself to make somethin i do like that if only to show solidarity with you anon ...#i very much like the cross necklace and i do agree itd be cute if he had a smaller one 😔#oh also :) new laptop acquired :) i think i said that already but vjealvjerlk#point is i also needed an excuse to adjust to CSP again since all my settings were Reset with the transfer#dumb as hell that APPARENTLY you can only transfer a select number of times but hopefully i wont need to again#all ive consumed today for sustenance is coconut water i need ACTUAL food or im going to throw up
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my seniors have been so quiet all year and it’s been fine cause we’ve had a lot of writing/research to do but I need them to talk to me now so i was hit by a bolt of inspiration two days ago and I made them all tell me their comfort level with sharing aloud, rating themselves on a scale of 1-10. I then averaged the class score and they’re a 4.5. I then told them yesterday we needed to raise the score the tiniest bit. And the 1’s and 2’s didn’t need to be 10’s just maybe 3’s and 4’s. And they tried! They talked more 😭
#it’s sooooo hard because when a class is quiet my default is to assume you hate me#which is so hard because I need a response. which is why I actually can handle a loud raucous class pretty well because it’s just about#holding their attention and redirecting#but when they’re quiet it’s so hard. but i’ve really forced myself to be like ‘they don’t hate you they’re just quiet’#and they ARE#and actually they are reading (not all of them lol) and a lot of them want to learn#it was really helpful going to try to capitalize on this today#I had a moment a few weeks ago where I taught them a poem and it was crickets and I was like sigh they hate it and me#but then I said wanna learn another one? and like—seven of them nodded at me with big eyes and quiet enthusiasm#and I was like okayyyyy there is something going on#it feels so different teaching them than any other class it’s been a real learning experience for me#also yesterday we were talking about Jane Fairfax and Emma hating her lolololol#and Emma being frustrated with Jane’s reserve and I teased them a little bit#I said you’re not cold but you ARE reserved and I am Emma trying to get you to tell me about Frank Churchill at Weymouth#literally lol#ALSO it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that this is the class where I need to tell them WHY I make them tell me all the plot details#and we go over it together#and the actual concrete purpose of it. cause it isn’t just book-clubbing it!#it has to do with guiding them through a novel but also teaching them how to do it themselves#I get so prickly when people think it’s just book club behavior#if I was in a book club i would be a tyrant which is why I belong in a classroom#ANYWAY I AM WASTING THE DAY AWAY#but i have woken up with great excitement because I’ve been mulling on the seniors all year#and I feel like I’m getting somewhere#teaching tag
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everyone look what i just saw at walmart immediately
#i was literally like Man why do they already have christmas stuff ouOMG SONIC AND KNUCKLES HI ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#included the back of the box too because im kind of obsessed with ''the irresistible force meets the immovable object''#so real . literally what ive been saying. well ive been saying unstoppable force not irresistible force bht still#im honestly surprised they made a sonic ajd knuckles set instead of a sonic and shadow set#considering how much emphasis theyve been putting on shadow lately. but im fine with this. epic win for a sonknux enjoyer such as myself#(not that i only like seeing them interact for shipping reasons or whatever its just jokes)#also i didnt buy this today but im very tempted to go back for it at some point
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