#i solemnly swear not to abuse this information <- lying

[xxplastic-cubexx]

adding 'tentacles are in the walls' to my list of vague x mansion facts

(X-Men #25)

[whiskynottea]

The Ripple Effect

Previously Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

AO3

Previously (Chapter 7)

“You left me behind without any explanation! Do ye ken how it is to live as half a man? To have the ghost of your happiness following you everywhere, a constant reminder of your smashed dreams?”

“Do I know? Do I know?” I repeated, unable to think of anything else. “OF COURSE I DO! IT WAS THE SAME FOR ME, TOO.”

Jamie opened his mouth ready to reply, but pressed his lips instead and took a step back. Squaring his shoulders, he asked me in a cracked voice, “Why are ye back?”

Letting a breath out, I replied. “I needed to explain.”

“Then do.” He said, his voice cold and removed, insulating himself from what would follow.

“I left to protect you. You and me both.”

Chapter 8. The Explanation

source

If Jamie ever looked like a highland cow, it was at that moment. His hair had dried, falling on his forehead and almost covering his eyes as he moved towards me. His gaze underneath the red locks was angry, wild, and lost, all at the same time.

“Wha, Wha, What?” Jamie blurted out, stopping himself at the last moment as he walked towards me. He was two steps away, hands clenched in fists. “What are ye saying, Claire?”

“I am saying,” I swallowed back the fear and continued, “That I left because I had to, not because I wanted to leave you. You… You should know I would never leave you,” I finished in a trembling voice, pushing the heels of my hands against my eyes to shed away the awful memories.

“Ye had to leave, ye said, to protect me,” Jamie repeated as if in a trance. “Are ye mad woman? Protect me from what? From being too happy?” He grimaced in pain, a hand running through his head.

“Jamie. It’s a long story. Can you please at least sit down?” I wanted him to be as calm as possible, so I could maybe – maybe – eventually get myself together.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers impatiently drumming on his thigh, waiting for me to start explaining.

It was impossible for me to sit. I started pacing back and forth, trying to figure out how to begin.

Four steps from the armchair to the kitchen table, four steps back. A deep breath. Four steps forth. Four steps –

“Will ye talk, woman? Or do ye plan to walk a marathon here in front of me, just for the pleasure of torturing me?” Jamie growled.

I stilled myself with great difficulty and watched him in the eye.

“I came in Scotland five years ago.”

Good. Start from the beginning.

“God, ye’ll tell me the story of yer life now? I ken that!” He said impatiently. Actually, the word impatience was too small to describe Jamie Fraser at that moment.

“Will you let me talk, you bloody Scot?”

He laughed at that, my favorite swear bringing back memories of good times. “Aye, talk, Sassenach.”

Jamie gave me the gift back, and I acknowledged that. Sassenach. One word and I found the strength to go on. “When we first met, I told you I had left London because I needed a change. Do you remember?”

He nodded, whispering a “Yes”. His eyes had lost their anger and he looked at me solemnly, his furrowed eyebrows making his effort to understand obvious.

“This was what they advised me to say, Jamie.” I closed my eyes, listening to the wild beating of my heart.

Make him forgive me. Make him understand.

“I wanted to tell you the truth. I’m not good at lying, you know that.”

“But you managed to lie, just fine,” he interrupted me, his voice venomous, poisoning my heart.

“Jamie… When I first met you, I didn’t know you well enough to trust you and… when I got to know you I couldn’t find it in me to tell you.”

I took a deep breath before speaking again. Jamie remained silent, although I could imagine that he was burning inside, listening to me say I didn’t want to share everything with him. Even if this ‘everything’ I kept from him was only pain and anguish. I could hear his racing thoughts, and I couldn’t stand it. I opened my mouth blurting out everything, as fast as I could. I had to make him understand.

“I was afraid, I was so afraid Jamie, I didn’t know if it was over, he’s crazy you know, a maniac really, and then they told me not to tell anyone, I didn’t want to make you a target, so the less you knew the better, I shouldn’t leave traces behind and I was sure this was for our own good, to protect you and then time passed and I kind of forgot it, not really forgot it but I moved on and – ”

“Claire!” He stopped me. “I canna understand a word ye’re saying. Who is crazy, why were you afraid, who told ye not to talk to me.” He rose from the bed and came to me, each step bringing him closer and calming him down. When he stood in front of me, he placed both hands tenderly on my arms. “What happened to ye, a nighean?’”

“I… I… I left London because…” I could hardly speak, each word grazing painfully my sore throat.

“Yes?” Jamie asked in a soothing voice and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. 

No, don’t bloody cry now.

“I had a patient. A nice, kind guy, so young – so bloody young. He had lung cancer. The CT scan and PET showed that we could move to a surgery. We had time, cancer hadn’t spread yet.” I knew he didn’t need to know all these details, but I was transferred back at the hospital, seeing the light in Alex’s eyes again, as I announced that the tumor was amenable to surgery and we would get to it as soon as possible.

“I did the surgery. I couldn’t go for a full lobectomy, so I aimed to a wedge resection. Recurrence is more frequent after wedge resection. We decided to follow the surgery up with radioactive iodine brachytherapy. We did well, the results were great, he was getting better. He really did.” I could almost see Alex’s smile again in the thought that he’d leave the hospital and he’d have a normal life again. A future that never came to happen.

“Until we found another carcinoma. We did the DNA tests, he had a mutation in a proto-oncogene – one we didn’t have any available drug to treat with. Dr. Alexander MacGregor, the medical oncologist – ” My voice broke and I felt one of Jamie’s hands trailing up to my face, to erase the tears that were now running free. “Oh, Jamie. MacGregor did his best, we all did our best, but we couldn’t save him.” Sobs were wraking my body and Jamie hugged me tight, his lips lost in my hair whispering soothing words in Gaelic. “Alexander Randall was the first patient I lost,” I said, and saw Jamie through the tears in my eyes.

“So ye came here, trying to forget about him?” His voice was soft and kind. Supporting me.

I shook my head. “No. There’s more than that. You see, Alex Randall had an older brother.”

The mere thought of this man made me want to run away again. I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t want to remember, or to think of him ever again. But he was there, in every nightmare, in every shadow I saw.

“Jonathan Randall, Black Jack is what everyone called him. He is…” I felt the bile moving up my throat and paused, my lips tightly pressed, taking deep breaths through my nose.

I was with Jamie. I was safe now. 

He wasn’t safe though, because I had bloody come back.

“Oh God, this is such a terrible mistake. I should shut the fuck up and stay in France. I shouldn’t come back.”

“IN FRANCE? Ye were in France?” Jamie exclaimed, but stopped in his tracks when his eyes saw the darkness in my eyes. “Anyway. Ye’re wrong. Ye should be here with me and ye did right to come, mo chridhe.”

Oh, how I’ve missed these two little words leaving his lips, coloring the world around me.

“No, no Jamie. You don’t understand. Black Jack, Alex’s brother, is mentally unstable, and a gangster nonetheless. When Alex died, he blamed us for his death. He insisted this was our mistake, that we lied about the surgery and the radiotherapy, that we could have saved him if we wanted to. But we couldn’t, Jamie. We couldn’t.”

“I know, mo ghraidh. I know. Ye did yer best, dinna think of it any longer.” Jamie was drawing circles with his fingers on my back, his words strong, reassuring. He believed me.

“Black Jack threatened us repeatedly, after that. We found notes in our mail, phone calls counting down our living days, I even found a knife  on a print with the anatomy of the heart once, in my locker at the hospital. ‘Picture your heart instead’, it read. I don’t know how he managed to do that. MacGregor had the same problems, only he had a family and the threats were aiming his family as well. We reported the incidents and sued Randall for harassment and emotional distress. A few months later all threats stopped, and we were informed that he was imprisoned for life, for severe child abuse. Totally irrelevant with our case, but we were safe.”

“So? Why did you leave?” Jamie asked, restless.

“Six months ago, Black Jack was paroled, somehow. He has high connections or something, Alex had mentioned that when he was in the hospital. He admired his older brother so much. I don’t know how Black Jack managed to be paroled, but he is free again and he, he…” 

I felt my heart crumble and my knees went weak. Jamie supported my weight, moving me to the armchair with a strong arm around my waist and knelt down in front of me. He brought his glass of whisky on my lips, and I felt the amber drink’s warmth travel down my throat, setting a comforting feeling in my stomach. It lasted a moment and then it was gone, leaving me even more wrecked than before.

“What, Claire? He what?” Jamie asked, taking the glass from my hands before I’d drop it.

“MacGregor is dead,” I whispered, with my eyes shut, as if opening them would acknowledge the truth of my words.

I felt the cold seeping in my body as Jamie’s hands left me. “WHAT?” He roared. “ARE YE FUCKING CRAZY, CLAIRE?” He was pacing back and forth, both hands covering his face in despair.

Yeah, I shouldn’t have come. Now he’s mad. Maybe it was better when he didn’t know. 

I was ready to talk when he looked at me again, his eyes filled with anger and fear. “He is free, he killed yer colleague and ye fucking left?” He ran his hands through his hair so many times, that it looked like a red flame surrounding his face. “Ye were out there, all alone, with this maniac on your tracks? AND YE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME? What if he’d found you, Claire? Oh my God, Oh my God…” He was shaking his head in denial, his hands trembling, extended in the empty air between us.

“I couldn’t stay here, he would eventually find out about you. Paris seemed a safe choice. It would be perfect, actually, if being without you wasn’t so bloody painful.” I snorted and gave him a sad smile. “But I had to protect you from him. He is MY problem. And that’s why I’ll leave again,” I said, determined. “I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know I love you,” I finished, trying to find the courage to leave his apartment.

“DID I ASK FOR YER PROTECTION?” Jamie’s voice rang through me, hoarse from shouting. “God, Claire, did I ever tell ye that your problems arena mine as well? Did I ever tell ye that ye dinna mean the world to me? Only thinking that ye might as well be dead now… That ye were in danger and I was sitting here, in my misery, blaming ye for leaving, thinking ye might love someone else… And ye with your stupid notions thinking that ye protect me by being away. What about me, Sassenach?” He came close to me again, breathing hard, trying to tame his fury. He placed a hand on my cheek and said in a surprising low, broken voice, “What if I wanted to protect you?”

“You couldn’t. You can’t, Jamie. I won’t have your life hanging from a fine line. I’m leaving again.”

“Ye’re not going anywhere,” he hissed through gnashed teeth. When I didn’t reply, he spoke more forcefully. “D’ ye hear me? Ye’re staying here with me.”

“I can’t,” I insisted.

“Do ye still not understand? Ye belong with me, Sassenach, as I belong with ye. No maniac, crazy, psycho will ever change that. We’ll fight him, but we’ll do it together.”

I laughed at that. A bitter, sorrowful laughter. “We can’t. No one can fight him. He’s looking for revenge and his revenge has my face now. I won’t sacrifice your life for no reason.”

“He can take his thirst for revenge and stick it up his butt,” Jamie declared triumphantly, making me laugh again. A real laughter this time, one only he knew how to elicit in my darkest moments. “My life has your face, Claire. And I’m not leaving anyone’s revenge to take it away.”

His voice was low and he leaned forward until his lips found mine, claiming me back from fear and despair. Forcefully stating that I was his and his only.

I let myself be, forgetting everything as he enveloped me in a bear hug – safe, and whole, and loved.

After what felt like minutes but could be hours later, I spoke again. “Jamie, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, love.” My lips were on his again, the moment I saw that lopsided smile on his face, the one I had fall in love with years ago. The one I was still in love with.

“Aye, I ken that now, Sassenach.” He trailed a finger along my jaw, before it got lost in my hair. “I canna forgive ye though, for putting yerself in danger while leaving me behind, an ignorant fool.”

“You’re not a fool. You never were.”

“Claire,” he said. “Promise me something. No more secrets from now on.”

“Jamie...” I looked him straight in the eye, knowing that I had to rip my heart out and do it like it was a happy dance. “There is no ‘from now on’ for us.” My throat was dry. “I can’t stay,” I said in a strained voice. 

“D’ ye think that I will let ye go again?”

I didn’t get to reply, feeling his tongue on my lips again, his need to feel me overwhelming me.  

“This has nothing to do with what we think or want, Jamie. This is what we need to do to survive,” I said, once I found my breath again.

“I dinna want to survive without ye. I want to live with ye.” His voice was loud and strong, filling the room.

“That’s why I left last time, without telling anything to you. Because you, you stubborn Scot, you wouldn’t let me go if you knew.”

“That’s quite right,” Jamie said, his arms tightening around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

“No, it’s – ” The words were trapped inside my mouth, mingling with his breath as he stopped me with yet another kiss, his own way to say shut up. My mind was screaming at me to leave now, while I still could, but my stupid body responded to his as it always did, eager to be one again.

“I need ye. I need to have ye now, Claire.”

I shook my head frantically, knowing that there would be no return after this.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Jamie whispered after each negative shake of mine.

“We shouldn’t – ” I tried to voice my thoughts instead of the ineffective non-verbal negation.

“Shut up,” Jamie mimicked me, his thoughts loud enough to make me laugh. 

The next moment I was up in the air and on Jamie’s shoulder, as he carried me to bed.

He got rid of our clothes in mere seconds, leaving me sprawled on the bed, with the cold duvet underneath my naked body and his warmth-emanating frame on top of me. Without wasting more time, he got himself deep inside me with a single thrust, anchoring me to him. His teeth were on my neck, sucking hard, taking toll for all the months of absence, as his soul was whispering to mine, until the only sounds leaving our mouths were whimpers, moans and whispers of each other’s name.

“This is how you protect me, mo ghraidh.” he whispered, thrusting again and again. “Take me inside you and save my soul, as you always did.”

I heard myself calling out his name, as my muscles contracted against his hard length, feeling his release leaving me alive again.

Alive and fearless.

Chapter 9

[the-wheel-comes-full-circle]

The Snowball Part 21

I cannot believe how soon ACOWAR comes out, I don’t know if I’ll get the opportunity to update again before it comes out and if I’m honest I will not be updating for a while after ACOWAR as I am sure I will be an emotional wreck so lets just say this will probably be on hiatus for a while xx

After the door had closed behind Hybern there was utter silence in the kitchen. Feyre felt like she was one shock away from a cardiac arrest and Nesta looked the same, if not worse.

“I know how this looks, but we can still fix this.” Mor said confidently.

Feyre just stared at her blankly. 

“Who’s Elain?” Amren whispered to Rhys in the background.

“Sister.” Was all Rhys said, eyes trained solely on Feyre.

“How do we know he actually has Elain?” Cassian asked.

“I’m not willing to bet my sister’s safety just in case that nut job was lying.” Nesta hissed through gritted teeth.

“But you were willing to risk Feyre’s when you knew you’d be taken care of in return.” Cassian sniped back.

Mor and Azriel began to intervene in their argument while Rhys drew Feyre away from the others. He pulled her over to the bench seat by the window and made no comment when she pressed her forehead against the glass in an effort to calm herself.

He began fidgeting the longer the silence passed between them until Feyre sensed he could contain himself no more.

“Are you okay?” He asked her quietly, out of earshot of their friends who were still trying to stop an all out fight between Cassian and Nesta.

“No. Nothing about my life is okay right now.” Feyre responded, realizing too late how that might sound to Rhys.

She opened her eyes just in time to see Rhys mask the hurt behind his eyes. 

“I didn’t mean it like that, meeting Mor, Cassian, Azriel, and even Amren has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” Feyre paused and impossibly lowered her voice even more before adding, “And you.”

Feyre heard Rhys’s breath hitch and he looked up to meet her eyes.

“I know what you meant. It just kills me to see you like this. That despite all we’ve done, it still hasn’t been enough.”

“Rhys, you can’t beat yourself up like this, it’s not your fault. Without you I’d still be with Tamlin.”

Rhys nodded but Feyre could still see the dark thoughts lying beneath his calm demeanor. She needed to soothe him but didn’t know the right words, so instead she moved closer to him so she could lean her head against his shoulder, and wrap an arm around his broad torso. Rhys leaned into her as well, entwining his arms around her waist and resting his chin on the top of her head.

Feyre relaxed with her back against Rhys’s chest, just listening to his steady breathing until she also felt calm. She felt her eyelids beginning to droop and would have fallen asleep if Nesta’s loud voice, booming from across the other side of the kitchen hadn’t woken her from her stress induced dream state.

“Are you two going to help us or what?” 

Feyre blinked rapidly like she had just emerged from underwater while Rhys straightened. Feyre didn’t need to see his face to know he would be glaring at Nesta for disturbing them. His hands had tightened marginally on her hips and Feyre pulled herself to her feet before Rhys could retaliate.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” She whispered to him when he still looked like he wanted to throttle Nesta.

“Mor was saying something about a witness before?” Feyre said to the group, making an effort to reengage in conversation.

Mor nodded. “It shouldn’t be hard to find witnesses from the fight, they can back up what we said about Tamlin coming to us and starting everything.”

“I just still feel like we need something stronger.” Azriel said.

“The nurse.” Rhys said to himself.

Six heads turned to look at him. “There was that nurse that was concerned about Feyre the last time she was in there. Remember Mor? She thought it was me who had hurt Feyre, we could ask her to confirm it was Tamlin.”

Mor looked uncertain. “I don’t know Rhys, I’m not sure they’re just allowed to disclose information like that, and there was no reason for her to think it wasn’t you.”

“Well Feyre hasn’t been in there since she’s been with us and the nurse knows that.”

“We don’t even know her name.” Mor tried again.

“I do. Her name is Alis.” Feyre said quietly.

“Well it’s settled then, I’ll take Feyre with me to the hospital and see if we can talk to her.” Rhys said. 

Mor threw up her hands in exasperation. “Okay, but what are we going to do about Elain? If Hybern hears we’ve been sneaking around... it could be bad.”

“Az, do you still have friends within his company?” Rhys said, turning to Azriel.

Azriel nodded. 

“Get in contact with them and see if they know anything about Elain. We need to find out where she is and where she’ll be. Then we might be able to speak with her and get her away.”

Azriel left immediately to begin making some calls. 

“The rest of you try to get in contact with the media again and see if you can do anything to stop the rumours that Tamlin made up.” Rhys said while grabbing his car keys. 

Feyre quickly got up to follow Rhys out the front door before he left her behind in his urgency.

Once they arrived at the hospital Feyre was less certain about their decision.

“What if she’s busy Rhys? I mean she is at work.” 

“If she’s busy we just go back home, but it’s worth a try.” Rhys assured her.

They went inside and Rhys spoke to a receptionist who noticed Feyre and eyed her with recognition, although Feyre was unsure if it was from seeing her face on the news, or just from being in the hospital so frequently. Feyre was beginning to get quite the reputation.

“No there’s no emergency, we were just wondering if we could speak to one of your nurses? Her name is Alis.” Rhys said smoothly, putting every ounce he had into charming the receptionist.

The receptionist regarded Rhys coolly, with absolutely no hint of attraction to him. 

“She’s busy. This is a hospital you know.” She said blandly.

“Please, this is really important, perhaps you could do me a favour this one time?” Rhys tried again.

The nurse looked to Feyre with a bored look. “Does your girlfriend care that you blatantly flirt with other girls right in front of her?”

Feyre half snorted as Rhys turned red in the face. “It’s not... I don’t...” He spluttered. 

The nurse seemed to be enjoying herself as she told Rhys, “Your girlfriend would have had more luck trying to persuade me.” 

“Please. Can you just mention that the girl she used to look after, Feyre, is here and needs to speak with her.” Rhys begged.

The nurse regarded Feyre with more interest after hearing her name and sighed, telling them to take a seat and that she would send a message but she couldn’t promise anything.

“Thanks.” Feyre said to Rhys when they sat down.

Rhys didn’t respond but grabbed her hand, resting it upon his armrest where he could easily hold on to her.

After what felt like hours, a soft voice called out to them.

“Feyre?” Alis said approaching them warily.

Feyre jumped to her feet, in shock that she had actually come.

Alis looked her over head to toe, checking to see she was okay, before noticing Rhys standing protectively behind her.

“I thought I told you to keep her out of here.” Alis said sternly to Rhys.

“I have been. Feyre’s not injured, we just came to speak with you.” Rhys defended himself.

“We need your help.” Feyre said to Alis.

“I’ve seen the news. I know you’re in all kinds of trouble. But I don’t see how I can help you.” Alis said warily.

“We need you to make a statement about the abuse Feyre suffered when she was with Tamlin.” 

Alis started shaking her head. “No, I won’t be a part of this media circus.” She said as she began turning away.

“Wait! Please. It’s not just about protecting my image. Tamlin’s about to ruin a lot of lives and we need to prove that he can’t be trusted. My sister is in danger because of this.” Feyre said in desperation.

Alis stopped mid-stride but didn’t face them.

“If you say nothing, he will get away with this. And he’ll send more girls here like Feyre. Girls you could have protected.” Rhys said darkly.

Alis’s shoulders dropped and she whirled to face them, striding right up to Rhys’s face. 

“I’ll do it. But not because you threatened me, which I am kindly going to ignore. I’m doing this because I hated seeing Feyre come in here week after week with no one caring about how she kept getting injured. I hated seeing her too scared to say anything that would get that prick in trouble because she thought she loved him. There’s nothing I’d love more than to see him ruined.”

“Thank you.” Feyre said softly.

Alis turned to Feyre surprised. “Just don’t let me catch you in here again.” The older woman mumbled.

Feyre laughed and hugged Alis who looked mildly uncomfortable but returned the gesture. 

“I have to get back to my shift, but leave me the number of someone to contact about releasing a statement.” Alis said waving them off before accepting a piece of paper from Rhys.

“That went better than expected.” Rhys said to Feyre as they left the hospital. 

“It doesn’t solve anything if Hybern still has Elain though.” Feyre said solemnly.

“We’ll find a way Feyre.” Rhys promised her.

When they reached Rhys’s car Feyre heard her phone ring. She looked at the caller ID and was shocked to see Lucien’s number.

Rhys looked over her shoulder and cursed. “Don’t answer it.” He warned.

“It could be important.” Feyre argued back.

“Or it could just be another way for Tamlin to talk to you.”

“I told Lucien I would help him if he was ever in trouble, he might need our help.”

Rhys finally nodded in agreement and Feyre rushed to answer the phone.

“Lucien?” She asked hesitatingly, scared it would be a different voice that answered.

“Feyre!” Came Lucien’s frantic voice. 

Relief washed over Feyre and she noticed Rhys also relax when she wasn’t alarmed.

“Are you okay?” Feyre asked Lucien.

“Me? What, of course I am. It’s just... Your sister Elain is here.”

“We know.” Feyre said sadly.

“We had no idea Hybern would bring your sister into it I swear, but I don’t think Tamlin’s going to do anything about it anyway.” Lucien said in a rush. “But I don’t like this Feyre. I don’t like it all.”

“Have you seen her? Is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s fine. I’ve been looking after her here at the house-”

“She’s at Tamlin’s?” Feyre asked in horror.

Rhys swore under his breath behind her.

“Nothing is going to happen to her Feyre, I promise you. I’ll protect her with my life.” Lucien told her.

It slightly worried Feyre to hear the absolute conviction in Lucien’s voice but she didn’t have time to question him about it. 

“I need you to do more than just watch out for her Lucien. Hybern threatened her directly.” 

Now it was Lucien’s turn to swear. Feyre could practically feel him at war with himself as he tried to find a solution.

“I drive her to work sometimes when she doesn’t go with Tamlin. I could take her to you instead, the next time I’m alone with her.” Lucien said in a whisper.

“What will happen to you when you go back?” 

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll be fine as long as she’s safe.”

Now Feyre was really worried about how Lucien felt for Elain but she put it down to him just feeling guilty about what he had allowed her to go through.

“Lucien, thank you.” Feyre said with as much kindness as she could muster. “You could come too. Stay with Elain if that’s what you want...” Feyre finished uncertainly.

But a loud bang cut off whatever Lucien’s reply was and he had to quickly whisper to her, “I have to go.” 

Feyre listened to the end beep tone, signifying the end of the call as she prayed Lucien was alright.