#i solemnly swear not to abuse this information <- lying

[xxplastic-cubexx]

adding 'tentacles are in the walls' to my list of vague x mansion facts

(X-Men #25)

[whiskynottea]

The Ripple Effect

Previously Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

AO3

Previously (Chapter 7)

“You left me behind without any explanation! Do ye ken how it is to live as half a man? To have the ghost of your happiness following you everywhere, a constant reminder of your smashed dreams?”

“Do I know? Do I know?” I repeated, unable to think of anything else. “OF COURSE I DO! IT WAS THE SAME FOR ME, TOO.”

Jamie opened his mouth ready to reply, but pressed his lips instead and took a step back. Squaring his shoulders, he asked me in a cracked voice, “Why are ye back?”

Letting a breath out, I replied. “I needed to explain.”

“Then do.” He said, his voice cold and removed, insulating himself from what would follow.

“I left to protect you. You and me both.”

Chapter 8. The Explanation

source

If Jamie ever looked like a highland cow, it was at that moment. His hair had dried, falling on his forehead and almost covering his eyes as he moved towards me. His gaze underneath the red locks was angry, wild, and lost, all at the same time.

“Wha, Wha, What?” Jamie blurted out, stopping himself at the last moment as he walked towards me. He was two steps away, hands clenched in fists. “What are ye saying, Claire?”

“I am saying,” I swallowed back the fear and continued, “That I left because I had to, not because I wanted to leave you. You… You should know I would never leave you,” I finished in a trembling voice, pushing the heels of my hands against my eyes to shed away the awful memories.

“Ye had to leave, ye said, to protect me,” Jamie repeated as if in a trance. “Are ye mad woman? Protect me from what? From being too happy?” He grimaced in pain, a hand running through his head.

“Jamie. It’s a long story. Can you please at least sit down?” I wanted him to be as calm as possible, so I could maybe – maybe – eventually get myself together.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers impatiently drumming on his thigh, waiting for me to start explaining.

It was impossible for me to sit. I started pacing back and forth, trying to figure out how to begin.

Four steps from the armchair to the kitchen table, four steps back. A deep breath. Four steps forth. Four steps –

“Will ye talk, woman? Or do ye plan to walk a marathon here in front of me, just for the pleasure of torturing me?” Jamie growled.

I stilled myself with great difficulty and watched him in the eye.

“I came in Scotland five years ago.”

Good. Start from the beginning.

“God, ye’ll tell me the story of yer life now? I ken that!” He said impatiently. Actually, the word impatience was too small to describe Jamie Fraser at that moment.

“Will you let me talk, you bloody Scot?”

He laughed at that, my favorite swear bringing back memories of good times. “Aye, talk, Sassenach.”

Jamie gave me the gift back, and I acknowledged that. Sassenach. One word and I found the strength to go on. “When we first met, I told you I had left London because I needed a change. Do you remember?”

He nodded, whispering a “Yes”. His eyes had lost their anger and he looked at me solemnly, his furrowed eyebrows making his effort to understand obvious.

“This was what they advised me to say, Jamie.” I closed my eyes, listening to the wild beating of my heart.

Make him forgive me. Make him understand.

“I wanted to tell you the truth. I’m not good at lying, you know that.”

“But you managed to lie, just fine,” he interrupted me, his voice venomous, poisoning my heart.

“Jamie�� When I first met you, I didn’t know you well enough to trust you and… when I got to know you I couldn’t find it in me to tell you.”

I took a deep breath before speaking again. Jamie remained silent, although I could imagine that he was burning inside, listening to me say I didn’t want to share everything with him. Even if this ‘everything’ I kept from him was only pain and anguish. I could hear his racing thoughts, and I couldn’t stand it. I opened my mouth blurting out everything, as fast as I could. I had to make him understand.

“I was afraid, I was so afraid Jamie, I didn’t know if it was over, he’s crazy you know, a maniac really, and then they told me not to tell anyone, I didn’t want to make you a target, so the less you knew the better, I shouldn’t leave traces behind and I was sure this was for our own good, to protect you and then time passed and I kind of forgot it, not really forgot it but I moved on and – ”

“Claire!” He stopped me. “I canna understand a word ye’re saying. Who is crazy, why were you afraid, who told ye not to talk to me.” He rose from the bed and came to me, each step bringing him closer and calming him down. When he stood in front of me, he placed both hands tenderly on my arms. “What happened to ye, a nighean?’”

“I… I… I left London because…” I could hardly speak, each word grazing painfully my sore throat.

“Yes?” Jamie asked in a soothing voice and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. 

No, don’t bloody cry now.

“I had a patient. A nice, kind guy, so young – so bloody young. He had lung cancer. The CT scan and PET showed that we could move to a surgery. We had time, cancer hadn’t spread yet.” I knew he didn’t need to know all these details, but I was transferred back at the hospital, seeing the light in Alex’s eyes again, as I announced that the tumor was amenable to surgery and we would get to it as soon as possible.

“I did the surgery. I couldn’t go for a full lobectomy, so I aimed to a wedge resection. Recurrence is more frequent after wedge resection. We decided to follow the surgery up with radioactive iodine brachytherapy. We did well, the results were great, he was getting better. He really did.” I could almost see Alex’s smile again in the thought that he’d leave the hospital and he’d have a normal life again. A future that never came to happen.

“Until we found another carcinoma. We did the DNA tests, he had a mutation in a proto-oncogene – one we didn’t have any available drug to treat with. Dr. Alexander MacGregor, the medical oncologist – ” My voice broke and I felt one of Jamie’s hands trailing up to my face, to erase the tears that were now running free. “Oh, Jamie. MacGregor did his best, we all did our best, but we couldn’t save him.” Sobs were wraking my body and Jamie hugged me tight, his lips lost in my hair whispering soothing words in Gaelic. “Alexander Randall was the first patient I lost,” I said, and saw Jamie through the tears in my eyes.

“So ye came here, trying to forget about him?” His voice was soft and kind. Supporting me.

I shook my head. “No. There’s more than that. You see, Alex Randall had an older brother.”

The mere thought of this man made me want to run away again. I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t want to remember, or to think of him ever again. But he was there, in every nightmare, in every shadow I saw.

“Jonathan Randall, Black Jack is what everyone called him. He is…” I felt the bile moving up my throat and paused, my lips tightly pressed, taking deep breaths through my nose.

I was with Jamie. I was safe now. 

He wasn’t safe though, because I had bloody come back.

“Oh God, this is such a terrible mistake. I should shut the fuck up and stay in France. I shouldn’t come back.”

“IN FRANCE? Ye were in France?” Jamie exclaimed, but stopped in his tracks when his eyes saw the darkness in my eyes. “Anyway. Ye’re wrong. Ye should be here with me and ye did right to come, mo chridhe.”

Oh, how I’ve missed these two little words leaving his lips, coloring the world around me.

“No, no Jamie. You don’t understand. Black Jack, Alex’s brother, is mentally unstable, and a gangster nonetheless. When Alex died, he blamed us for his death. He insisted this was our mistake, that we lied about the surgery and the radiotherapy, that we could have saved him if we wanted to. But we couldn’t, Jamie. We couldn’t.”

“I know, mo ghraidh. I know. Ye did yer best, dinna think of it any longer.” Jamie was drawing circles with his fingers on my back, his words strong, reassuring. He believed me.

“Black Jack threatened us repeatedly, after that. We found notes in our mail, phone calls counting down our living days, I even found a knife  on a print with the anatomy of the heart once, in my locker at the hospital. ‘Picture your heart instead’, it read. I don’t know how he managed to do that. MacGregor had the same problems, only he had a family and the threats were aiming his family as well. We reported the incidents and sued Randall for harassment and emotional distress. A few months later all threats stopped, and we were informed that he was imprisoned for life, for severe child abuse. Totally irrelevant with our case, but we were safe.”

“So? Why did you leave?” Jamie asked, restless.

“Six months ago, Black Jack was paroled, somehow. He has high connections or something, Alex had mentioned that when he was in the hospital. He admired his older brother so much. I don’t know how Black Jack managed to be paroled, but he is free again and he, he…” 

I felt my heart crumble and my knees went weak. Jamie supported my weight, moving me to the armchair with a strong arm around my waist and knelt down in front of me. He brought his glass of whisky on my lips, and I felt the amber drink’s warmth travel down my throat, setting a comforting feeling in my stomach. It lasted a moment and then it was gone, leaving me even more wrecked than before.

“What, Claire? He what?” Jamie asked, taking the glass from my hands before I’d drop it.

“MacGregor is dead,” I whispered, with my eyes shut, as if opening them would acknowledge the truth of my words.

I felt the cold seeping in my body as Jamie’s hands left me. “WHAT?” He roared. “ARE YE FUCKING CRAZY, CLAIRE?” He was pacing back and forth, both hands covering his face in despair.

Yeah, I shouldn’t have come. Now he’s mad. Maybe it was better when he didn’t know. 

I was ready to talk when he looked at me again, his eyes filled with anger and fear. “He is free, he killed yer colleague and ye fucking left?” He ran his hands through his hair so many times, that it looked like a red flame surrounding his face. “Ye were out there, all alone, with this maniac on your tracks? AND YE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME? What if he’d found you, Claire? Oh my God, Oh my God…” He was shaking his head in denial, his hands trembling, extended in the empty air between us.

“I couldn’t stay here, he would eventually find out about you. Paris seemed a safe choice. It would be perfect, actually, if being without you wasn’t so bloody painful.” I snorted and gave him a sad smile. “But I had to protect you from him. He is MY problem. And that’s why I’ll leave again,” I said, determined. “I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know I love you,” I finished, trying to find the courage to leave his apartment.

“DID I ASK FOR YER PROTECTION?” Jamie’s voice rang through me, hoarse from shouting. “God, Claire, did I ever tell ye that your problems arena mine as well? Did I ever tell ye that ye dinna mean the world to me? Only thinking that ye might as well be dead now… That ye were in danger and I was sitting here, in my misery, blaming ye for leaving, thinking ye might love someone else… And ye with your stupid notions thinking that ye protect me by being away. What about me, Sassenach?” He came close to me again, breathing hard, trying to tame his fury. He placed a hand on my cheek and said in a surprising low, broken voice, “What if I wanted to protect you?”

“You couldn’t. You can’t, Jamie. I won’t have your life hanging from a fine line. I’m leaving again.”

“Ye’re not going anywhere,” he hissed through gnashed teeth. When I didn’t reply, he spoke more forcefully. “D’ ye hear me? Ye’re staying here with me.”

“I can’t,” I insisted.

“Do ye still not understand? Ye belong with me, Sassenach, as I belong with ye. No maniac, crazy, psycho will ever change that. We’ll fight him, but we’ll do it together.”

I laughed at that. A bitter, sorrowful laughter. “We can’t. No one can fight him. He’s looking for revenge and his revenge has my face now. I won’t sacrifice your life for no reason.”

“He can take his thirst for revenge and stick it up his butt,” Jamie declared triumphantly, making me laugh again. A real laughter this time, one only he knew how to elicit in my darkest moments. “My life has your face, Claire. And I’m not leaving anyone’s revenge to take it away.”

His voice was low and he leaned forward until his lips found mine, claiming me back from fear and despair. Forcefully stating that I was his and his only.

I let myself be, forgetting everything as he enveloped me in a bear hug – safe, and whole, and loved.

After what felt like minutes but could be hours later, I spoke again. “Jamie, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, love.” My lips were on his again, the moment I saw that lopsided smile on his face, the one I had fall in love with years ago. The one I was still in love with.

“Aye, I ken that now, Sassenach.” He trailed a finger along my jaw, before it got lost in my hair. “I canna forgive ye though, for putting yerself in danger while leaving me behind, an ignorant fool.”

“You’re not a fool. You never were.”

“Claire,” he said. “Promise me something. No more secrets from now on.”

“Jamie...” I looked him straight in the eye, knowing that I had to rip my heart out and do it like it was a happy dance. “There is no ‘from now on’ for us.” My throat was dry. “I can’t stay,” I said in a strained voice. 

“D’ ye think that I will let ye go again?”

I didn’t get to reply, feeling his tongue on my lips again, his need to feel me overwhelming me.  

“This has nothing to do with what we think or want, Jamie. This is what we need to do to survive,” I said, once I found my breath again.

“I dinna want to survive without ye. I want to live with ye.” His voice was loud and strong, filling the room.

“That’s why I left last time, without telling anything to you. Because you, you stubborn Scot, you wouldn’t let me go if you knew.”

“That’s quite right,” Jamie said, his arms tightening around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

“No, it’s – ” The words were trapped inside my mouth, mingling with his breath as he stopped me with yet another kiss, his own way to say shut up. My mind was screaming at me to leave now, while I still could, but my stupid body responded to his as it always did, eager to be one again.

“I need ye. I need to have ye now, Claire.”

I shook my head frantically, knowing that there would be no return after this.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Jamie whispered after each negative shake of mine.

“We shouldn’t – ” I tried to voice my thoughts instead of the ineffective non-verbal negation.

“Shut up,” Jamie mimicked me, his thoughts loud enough to make me laugh. 

The next moment I was up in the air and on Jamie’s shoulder, as he carried me to bed.

He got rid of our clothes in mere seconds, leaving me sprawled on the bed, with the cold duvet underneath my naked body and his warmth-emanating frame on top of me. Without wasting more time, he got himself deep inside me with a single thrust, anchoring me to him. His teeth were on my neck, sucking hard, taking toll for all the months of absence, as his soul was whispering to mine, until the only sounds leaving our mouths were whimpers, moans and whispers of each other’s name.

“This is how you protect me, mo ghraidh.” he whispered, thrusting again and again. “Take me inside you and save my soul, as you always did.”

I heard myself calling out his name, as my muscles contracted against his hard length, feeling his release leaving me alive again.

Alive and fearless.

Chapter 9

[the-wheel-comes-full-circle]

The Snowball Part 21

I cannot believe how soon ACOWAR comes out, I don’t know if I’ll get the opportunity to update again before it comes out and if I’m honest I will not be updating for a while after ACOWAR as I am sure I will be an emotional wreck so lets just say this will probably be on hiatus for a while xx

After the door had closed behind Hybern there was utter silence in the kitchen. Feyre felt like she was one shock away from a cardiac arrest and Nesta looked the same, if not worse.

“I know how this looks, but we can still fix this.” Mor said confidently.

Feyre just stared at her blankly. 

“Who’s Elain?” Amren whispered to Rhys in the background.

“Sister.” Was all Rhys said, eyes trained solely on Feyre.

“How do we know he actually has Elain?” Cassian asked.

“I’m not willing to bet my sister’s safety just in case that nut job was lying.” Nesta hissed through gritted teeth.

“But you were willing to risk Feyre’s when you knew you’d be taken care of in return.” Cassian sniped back.

Mor and Azriel began to intervene in their argument while Rhys drew Feyre away from the others. He pulled her over to the bench seat by the window and made no comment when she pressed her forehead against the glass in an effort to calm herself.

He began fidgeting the longer the silence passed between them until Feyre sensed he could contain himself no more.

“Are you okay?” He asked her quietly, out of earshot of their friends who were still trying to stop an all out fight between Cassian and Nesta.

“No. Nothing about my life is okay right now.” Feyre responded, realizing too late how that might sound to Rhys.

She opened her eyes just in time to see Rhys mask the hurt behind his eyes. 

“I didn’t mean it like that, meeting Mor, Cassian, Azriel, and even Amren has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” Feyre paused and impossibly lowered her voice even more before adding, “And you.”

Feyre heard Rhys’s breath hitch and he looked up to meet her eyes.

“I know what you meant. It just kills me to see you like this. That despite all we’ve done, it still hasn’t been enough.”

“Rhys, you can’t beat yourself up like this, it’s not your fault. Without you I’d still be with Tamlin.”

Rhys nodded but Feyre could still see the dark thoughts lying beneath his calm demeanor. She needed to soothe him but didn’t know the right words, so instead she moved closer to him so she could lean her head against his shoulder, and wrap an arm around his broad torso. Rhys leaned into her as well, entwining his arms around her waist and resting his chin on the top of her head.

Feyre relaxed with her back against Rhys’s chest, just listening to his steady breathing until she also felt calm. She felt her eyelids beginning to droop and would have fallen asleep if Nesta’s loud voice, booming from across the other side of the kitchen hadn’t woken her from her stress induced dream state.

“Are you two going to help us or what?” 

Feyre blinked rapidly like she had just emerged from underwater while Rhys straightened. Feyre didn’t need to see his face to know he would be glaring at Nesta for disturbing them. His hands had tightened marginally on her hips and Feyre pulled herself to her feet before Rhys could retaliate.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” She whispered to him when he still looked like he wanted to throttle Nesta.

“Mor was saying something about a witness before?” Feyre said to the group, making an effort to reengage in conversation.

Mor nodded. “It shouldn’t be hard to find witnesses from the fight, they can back up what we said about Tamlin coming to us and starting everything.”

“I just still feel like we need something stronger.” Azriel said.

“The nurse.” Rhys said to himself.

Six heads turned to look at him. “There was that nurse that was concerned about Feyre the last time she was in there. Remember Mor? She thought it was me who had hurt Feyre, we could ask her to confirm it was Tamlin.”

Mor looked uncertain. “I don’t know Rhys, I’m not sure they’re just allowed to disclose information like that, and there was no reason for her to think it wasn’t you.”

“Well Feyre hasn’t been in there since she’s been with us and the nurse knows that.”

“We don’t even know her name.” Mor tried again.

“I do. Her name is Alis.” Feyre said quietly.

“Well it’s settled then, I’ll take Feyre with me to the hospital and see if we can talk to her.” Rhys said. 

Mor threw up her hands in exasperation. “Okay, but what are we going to do about Elain? If Hybern hears we’ve been sneaking around... it could be bad.”

“Az, do you still have friends within his company?” Rhys said, turning to Azriel.

Azriel nodded. 

“Get in contact with them and see if they know anything about Elain. We need to find out where she is and where she’ll be. Then we might be able to speak with her and get her away.”

Azriel left immediately to begin making some calls. 

“The rest of you try to get in contact with the media again and see if you can do anything to stop the rumours that Tamlin made up.” Rhys said while grabbing his car keys. 

Feyre quickly got up to follow Rhys out the front door before he left her behind in his urgency.

Once they arrived at the hospital Feyre was less certain about their decision.

“What if she’s busy Rhys? I mean she is at work.” 

“If she’s busy we just go back home, but it’s worth a try.” Rhys assured her.

They went inside and Rhys spoke to a receptionist who noticed Feyre and eyed her with recognition, although Feyre was unsure if it was from seeing her face on the news, or just from being in the hospital so frequently. Feyre was beginning to get quite the reputation.

“No there’s no emergency, we were just wondering if we could speak to one of your nurses? Her name is Alis.” Rhys said smoothly, putting every ounce he had into charming the receptionist.

The receptionist regarded Rhys coolly, with absolutely no hint of attraction to him. 

“She’s busy. This is a hospital you know.” She said blandly.

“Please, this is really important, perhaps you could do me a favour this one time?” Rhys tried again.

The nurse looked to Feyre with a bored look. “Does your girlfriend care that you blatantly flirt with other girls right in front of her?”

Feyre half snorted as Rhys turned red in the face. “It’s not... I don’t...” He spluttered. 

The nurse seemed to be enjoying herself as she told Rhys, “Your girlfriend would have had more luck trying to persuade me.” 

“Please. Can you just mention that the girl she used to look after, Feyre, is here and needs to speak with her.” Rhys begged.

The nurse regarded Feyre with more interest after hearing her name and sighed, telling them to take a seat and that she would send a message but she couldn’t promise anything.

“Thanks.” Feyre said to Rhys when they sat down.

Rhys didn’t respond but grabbed her hand, resting it upon his armrest where he could easily hold on to her.

After what felt like hours, a soft voice called out to them.

“Feyre?” Alis said approaching them warily.

Feyre jumped to her feet, in shock that she had actually come.

Alis looked her over head to toe, checking to see she was okay, before noticing Rhys standing protectively behind her.

“I thought I told you to keep her out of here.” Alis said sternly to Rhys.

“I have been. Feyre’s not injured, we just came to speak with you.” Rhys defended himself.

“We need your help.” Feyre said to Alis.

“I’ve seen the news. I know you’re in all kinds of trouble. But I don’t see how I can help you.” Alis said warily.

“We need you to make a statement about the abuse Feyre suffered when she was with Tamlin.” 

Alis started shaking her head. “No, I won’t be a part of this media circus.” She said as she began turning away.

“Wait! Please. It’s not just about protecting my image. Tamlin’s about to ruin a lot of lives and we need to prove that he can’t be trusted. My sister is in danger because of this.” Feyre said in desperation.

Alis stopped mid-stride but didn’t face them.

“If you say nothing, he will get away with this. And he’ll send more girls here like Feyre. Girls you could have protected.” Rhys said darkly.

Alis’s shoulders dropped and she whirled to face them, striding right up to Rhys’s face. 

“I’ll do it. But not because you threatened me, which I am kindly going to ignore. I’m doing this because I hated seeing Feyre come in here week after week with no one caring about how she kept getting injured. I hated seeing her too scared to say anything that would get that prick in trouble because she thought she loved him. There’s nothing I’d love more than to see him ruined.”

“Thank you.” Feyre said softly.

Alis turned to Feyre surprised. “Just don’t let me catch you in here again.” The older woman mumbled.

Feyre laughed and hugged Alis who looked mildly uncomfortable but returned the gesture. 

“I have to get back to my shift, but leave me the number of someone to contact about releasing a statement.” Alis said waving them off before accepting a piece of paper from Rhys.

“That went better than expected.” Rhys said to Feyre as they left the hospital. 

“It doesn’t solve anything if Hybern still has Elain though.” Feyre said solemnly.

“We’ll find a way Feyre.” Rhys promised her.

When they reached Rhys’s car Feyre heard her phone ring. She looked at the caller ID and was shocked to see Lucien’s number.

Rhys looked over her shoulder and cursed. “Don’t answer it.” He warned.

“It could be important.” Feyre argued back.

“Or it could just be another way for Tamlin to talk to you.”

“I told Lucien I would help him if he was ever in trouble, he might need our help.”

Rhys finally nodded in agreement and Feyre rushed to answer the phone.

“Lucien?” She asked hesitatingly, scared it would be a different voice that answered.

“Feyre!” Came Lucien’s frantic voice. 

Relief washed over Feyre and she noticed Rhys also relax when she wasn’t alarmed.

“Are you okay?” Feyre asked Lucien.

“Me? What, of course I am. It’s just... Your sister Elain is here.”

“We know.” Feyre said sadly.

“We had no idea Hybern would bring your sister into it I swear, but I don’t think Tamlin’s going to do anything about it anyway.” Lucien said in a rush. “But I don’t like this Feyre. I don’t like it all.”

“Have you seen her? Is she okay?”

“Yes, she’s fine. I’ve been looking after her here at the house-”

“She’s at Tamlin’s?” Feyre asked in horror.

Rhys swore under his breath behind her.

“Nothing is going to happen to her Feyre, I promise you. I’ll protect her with my life.” Lucien told her.

It slightly worried Feyre to hear the absolute conviction in Lucien’s voice but she didn’t have time to question him about it. 

“I need you to do more than just watch out for her Lucien. Hybern threatened her directly.” 

Now it was Lucien’s turn to swear. Feyre could practically feel him at war with himself as he tried to find a solution.

“I drive her to work sometimes when she doesn’t go with Tamlin. I could take her to you instead, the next time I’m alone with her.” Lucien said in a whisper.

“What will happen to you when you go back?” 

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll be fine as long as she’s safe.”

Now Feyre was really worried about how Lucien felt for Elain but she put it down to him just feeling guilty about what he had allowed her to go through.

“Lucien, thank you.” Feyre said with as much kindness as she could muster. “You could come too. Stay with Elain if that’s what you want...” Feyre finished uncertainly.

But a loud bang cut off whatever Lucien’s reply was and he had to quickly whisper to her, “I have to go.” 

Feyre listened to the end beep tone, signifying the end of the call as she prayed Lucien was alright.

[metawitches]

Laurens: “In this world, the only real choice is between being the purchaser and the purchased.”

Kovacs: “We stick together, Rei. Never face the monsters alone.”

In this episode, Laurens invites Tak to a dinner party attended by all of Lauren’s closest friends enemies. Both spend the evening evaluating and testing people, though Tak is trying to assess how likely each is to be a murder candidate, while Laurens is assessing how likely they are to challenge his dominance or resist his authority. Laurens makes a point of publicly humiliating Tak, to remind Tak that he’s owned, because Laurens owns almost everything. Laurens also goes out of his way to humiliate Ortega, and to remind his wife that she belongs to him. He’s very possessive and territorial, and this hour drives it home.

Tak, on the other hand, begins assembling his own team in earnest, doing favors and making deals. Poe and Vernon are his first two prospective team members. He brings in another guest for Poe, Lizzie Elliot. Her virtual psychosurgery requires a large amount of Poe’s time and attention, just the thing for a lonely AI. That frees up Vernon to act as Tak’s back up at the party, once they’ve visited the friendly neighborhood arms dealer. Vernon gets to investigate Bancroft connection to Lizzie’s attack while he’s there, and Tak doesn’t have to face the monsters alone.

This episode’s flashback takes us back to Tak’s childhood on Harlan’s World, the world with two moons we’ve seen before. He and Rei sit in the dark and read tell each other a story so familiar that they know it by heart, about Mad Mykola, a miller with two children who he abuses. Rei wonders where the mother is, but Tak says there are never mothers in these stories. When the children faint from the exhaustion of doing all of the work, the miller throws them into the mill. Mad Mykola steals more children from the village, cuts them to pieces, and sews them together again into one giant person, the Patchwork Man.  The Patchwork Man turns on the miller and rips him to pieces, then goes out to wander the world. But he’s continuously falling apart, so he’s always looking for more children to kill and make a part of him.

As the story ends, Tak’s parents come into view, arguing. His Slavic father is telling his Japanese mother that she shouldn’t complain so much, now that they live on a new world. Their father looks a lot like the mad miller. Their mother tries to backtrack and apologize for her complaints, but it’s too late. Their father slaps and beats her in the background, as Tak tells his sister, “We stick together, Rei. Never face the monsters alone.”

We switch to current day Tak in the shower, because the man has a thing about spending too much time in clothes, okay? His skin needs to breathe.

But, seriously. This is one of the rare times that we see current Tak reveal his true, vulnerable self. His expression is complicated, with both memories and thoughts of his current dilemma swirling around. His deep depression and fierce determination also lurk in the background. Joel Kinnaman does incredible, subtle things with his facial expressions.

He gets out of the shower and dries off, being careful not to look directly into the mirror until the very end, when he slowly slides his eyes up to look at his face. This face is not just a stranger’s face, but a face that reminds him of his father’s hated face rather than his sister and mother. It haunts him to see Mad Mykola staring back at him with his own eyes.

As Tak is getting dressed, Poe brings him an invitation to a dinner party that Laurens is holding that night. Poe also informs him that the hotel was hacked the night before, and a spy drone got footage of Tak and Miriam having sex. At that moment, Laurens calls to ask why Tak hasn’t responded to his invitation. Tak half-heartedly tries to get out of attending, but of course this is a working party. Laurens has inviting everyone he knows who might want to kill him. Tak will have a chance to observe and talk to all of them.

Tak decides that he needs a wingman for this job. Poe can’t take the job, since, as an avatar, he can’t leave the hotel. He can go anywhere in cyberspace though, a very useful skill. Tak asks Poe to become qualified in psychosurgery to help a friend- not Tak himself.

Ortega is tapped to monitor the fight which will be the entertainment at Laurens’ party. She’s angry, because it would normally be done by a beat cop, not a detective. Laurens requested her specifically to harass her again. Captain Tanaka tells her to suck it up for the night and kiss the ring.

Tak pays a visit to Vernon, disarming him and offering a trade. He’ll pay for psychosurgery for Lizzie if Vernon will be his wingman at the party tonight. Vernon is skeptical, but agrees.

  They bring Lizzie’s stack to the Raven, where Poe appears and introduces himself as Tak’s partner colleague the proprietor of the hotel the hotel itself. Poe has a VR suite ready for Lizzie, but Vernon won’t be able to talk to her at all during her treatment. Vernon says that he understand that sometimes you have to get burned to pull someone out of the fire, and consents to the procedure, putting Lizzie’s stack in Poe’s hands. Then he promises to destroy Poe if anything happens to Lizzie.

Ortega goes over Laurens’ guest list. Many of the attendee’s are potential suspects in Mary Lou Henchy’s death. She asks Aboud to help her by scanning the cars at the party, while she interviews suspects.

Tak and Vernon visit the neighborhood arm dealer, Flake, who also sells candy to children from a street cart and wears furry pants. He shows them his top of the line weapons. Tak gets an Ingram 40 flechette gun prototype from CTAC R&D. It uses flanged armor-piercing rounds, has a ten round clip, with homing tech onboard. He shoots a flechette into the wall, then has the machine call it home. When you reverse the field generator, the plasma homes through a plasma chamber, and autoloads right into the mag.

Flake notices the weapon Tak’s carrying, and recognizes it immediately as a modified second series Nemex. Tak declines to be specific about where he acquired it.

They look at knives next. Both Tak and Vernon go for Tebbet knives- twinsies 👬- with a tantallum steel alloy blade, flint in the pommel for weighting, and runnel (or blood groove) coated with Reaper/betathanatine, a bioweapon scientists created to study near death experiences. The deeper you stab, the bigger the dose. Vernon adds on a Sunjet 2320 classic firearm.

The Sunjet 2320 sends Tak into a memory of using one during his Envoy training with Quell. They use a combination of martial arts moves and their weapons as she lectures the Envoys.

Quell: “You must learn the weakness of weapons. This sleeve is a tool. It does not control me. I control it. The true strength of the wolf isn’t fangs, speed and skill. It’s the pack. Whatever world you needlecast into, build a pack. Find ways to inspire loyalty in a few capable locals, even if many of them will ultimately be expendable. We are Envoys. And we take what is offered.”

    Back at the Raven, Poe is making progress with Lizzie’s treatment. He’s slowly converting her spot on the street in front of Jack It Off into a bedroom, with a warm pink glow. Tak says the pink is Poe’s idea of non-threatening, while Vernon thinks it looks like the inside of someone’s stomach. Vernon is watching the process on an old TV from the 1950s.

Lizzie moves from lying on the street, surrounded by rats, to sitting on a bed. She never lets go of her baby doll. The camera makes sure we get a good look at it. When Poe turns on a small bedside lamp, Lizzie grabs his arm. He kneels in front of her, and tells her that he’s there for her. She says, “They took Mommy away because she stole stars from the sky. They ripped her soul out through her eyes and froze it. Now she just spins around and around, a dancer in the frost. She has icicles in her hair.”

Poe is mesmerized. He responds: “I will let nothing harm you in this place.”

Let’s hope some of that is metaphorical. Some of it likely means there’s more to Mama Elliot’s imprisonment than we’ve been told. I wonder if Lizzie’s words meant something in particular to Poe.

After that the TV feed dies.

Now that Lizzie’s settled in, it’s time for Laurens’ party. Tak reminds Vernon that he’s invited so that he can watch Tak’s back, not to go after Laurens. Vernon solemnly swears to fulfill his duties as Envoy wingman.

Speaking of pink, Tak packs his weapon in his favorite pink backpack, but has to leave both at the coatcheck. Vernon is acting as a server for the evening. The Meths are all wearing white, pale silver, or pale champagne. Tak is in black, as are the staff. Kristin wears a bit of color, making her stand out as the most vibrantly alive person in the place, and someone who doesn’t care about the Meth’s unwritten rules.

Miriam approaches Tak, and comments on his unusual fashion choice. She wonders what he brought for his unique item, but no one told him that they were each supposed to bring an item for Show and Tell. The reason why will become obvious later.

Tak tells her that there was a spybot watching them last night. She looks mildly surprised, then mildly uncomfortable. Laurens joins them to ask Tak to meet him in his study to discuss business.

Ortega uses her com connection to Aboud, who’s back at the station, to get him started on checking the party guests’ cars. Then she goes to the fight arena to check the credentials of the evening’s entertainment- a married couple who fight to the sleeve death in zero G. Their winnings include new sleeves, which they wear home to their 5 and 7 year old kids.

Tak follows Kristin to the arena and joins the conversation. When the couple say that their kids are used to Mommy and Daddy coming home in new sleeves, Kristin and Tak agree that the kids actually aren’t.

When they get back down to the party, Kristin asks Tak why he’s there, when there’s no case. He informs her that someone bugged his room last night. Since he was with Miriam Bancroft, it seems like something’s going on. Kristin is angry with him for sleeping with a suspect, but Tak reminds her that there are no suspects if there’s no case. She walks away in a huff.

Tak goes upstairs to meet with Laurens. As they stand on a balcony overlooking the party, Laurens says that he’s been thinking about who the most likely suspects are. Tak replies that he thought maybe Laurens was going to talk about his habit of renting biocabins and brutally beating women. Laurens didn’t think it was important, since he’s careful to never injure anyone to the point of real death, unlike Tak, whether it’s his sexual exploits, knife fighting, or gambling.

It doesn’t occur to Laurens that people who are still alive can grow resentful and want revenge. Or that sometimes it’s kill or be killed, and you can’t always pay someone else to fight for you.

Laurens’ son Isaac causes a disturbance. Tak wonders whether Isaac should be a suspect. Laurens scoffs at the idea. He thinks Isaac is too weak to get up the nerve to pull off a murder. Tak notes that by staying alive for centuries, Laurens has disturbed the natural order of things. Isaac has never gotten to grow up completely and inherit the kingdom. Laurens thinks that’s a ridiculous point of view.

Laurens tells Tak that he could have all of his lost comrades and loves back if he lived in this time period. No one has to die. Tak insists that it’s up to God to decide who lives or dies. Laurens declares God dead, and himself and the others like him the new gods. Tak wonders why they need him then. Laurens says that all Gods have minions.

He sends Tak back to the party to use his Envoy Intuition. I think Laurens actually very much enjoys their little chats. He probably hasn’t had anyone stand up to hin this way in centuries. At least not someone who he valued enough to hold back on squashing them like a bug.

Tak works his way through questioning the guests. None of them care that Laurens was shot, but they do care that it could happen to them. The guests are appalled that someone got to a Meth so easily, and covered their tracks so well.

Kristin sees the Asian man who was watching the drone’s footage and asks Aboud to ID him. But there’s no one on the feed Kristin is sending Aboud.

Tak sees Miriam slip upstairs and behind a secret panel. He’s suspicious, so he follows her. He discovers “Miriam” having sex with Curtis, part of the security staff. Curtis leaves the room so they can talk privately.

Tak has figured out that someone else is wearing Miriam’s sleeve. It turns out to be Naomi, the 67 year old 12th daughter who’s taking Mom’s state of the art sleeve out for a joyride. Tak wonder’s if Miriam could have removed the particle blaster from the safe to shoot Laurens, but she explains that if Laurens dies, the rest of the family gets nothing. They’d be penniless.

Tak returns to the party and finds Isaac telling racist jokes to his father’s Japanese business associates. Tak apologizes for Isaac’s behavior in Japanese, and drags Isaac into the next room, where he slams him against the wall. He begins to question Isaac, asking how drunk you have to get to go Oedipal on your father. Isaac responds seriously, looking completely sober. He says he’s not stupid. He knows they’re all backed up.

That wasn’t a denial.

Prescott and a friend rush in to stop Tak’s interrogation. They quickly send Isaac away. Whatever the cover up is, Prescott is one of the chief people making sure no one ever discovers it. Isaac slips his spoiled, drunk rich boy persona back on as he leaves.

Prescott’s companion, who introduces herself as Clarissa Severin, dealer in art and antiquities, tells Tak that she expected more from him than pushing Isaac around. Maybe she was wrong about him when she brought him to Laurens’ attention. Laurens has been obsessed with Quell for forever. Clarissa received a hefty finder’s fee for Tak.

Tak gets that look on his face again, like he literally wants to jump out of this sleeve. He’s been turned into a commodity once again by these people. Did he fall under art or antiquities, I wonder? He needs to find a way to buy his own sleeve, as quickly as possible, much as I’m in love with Joel Kinnaman. Tak needs to make sure he doesn’t owe anyone, anything, most especially the Meths and their toxic culture of hanger ons.

After Clarissa leaves, Prescott reiterates that he needs to behave and not make waves. He’s just there as a useless novelty. She won’t allow him to get in the way of her plan to become a Meth.

So, whatever’s going on, she’s not just covering it up, she’s in on it, in exchange for a rise in status. If she’s not murdered first, to keep her from talking or using the plot for blackmail material.

It’s time for Show and Tell. Isaac’s up first, with a dessicated human hand he claims belonged to Konrad Harlan, founder of Harlan’s World. He has the hand give the finger to the crowd as a message, undoubtedly meant for Tak or Laurens or both.

Clarissa has a 6 foot long snake around her neck that she says is the sleeve for a rapist and murderer named Janus. Putting a human into an animal is illegal, but Clarissa thinks the laws don’t apply to people like them. Janus was about to be erased when she convinced him to come with her, but she didn’t tell him the details about his new sleeve. She put him back into a human once, but he just writhed on the floor, so he remains a snake.

Laurens is last, bragging that he has the most unique object of all, something no one but he owns. He introduces the last Envoy, Takeshi Kovacs. Tak looks uncomfortable, while everyone applauds. Laurens sends the crowds into the arena for the next round of entertainment.

Vernon slips down into the control room to offer the security guard stationed there a drink. As the guard drinks, Vernon pokes the man’s shoulder with the tip of his knife so that he gets a tiny dose of Reaper. The guard falls unconscious, with Vernon giving him post-drug use care instructions as he’s going under, like any good assailant. Vernon taps into the Sun house records and downloads the surveillance files for the night of Lizzie’s attack.

Laurens walks by Tak on his way to the arena. Tak says, “I thought you didn’t want to own me.” Laurens replies, “In this world, the only real choice is between being the purchaser and the purchased.” Then he keeps walking.

Laurens introduces the fighters, saying, “Tonight, combat to sleeve death, between a married couple who love each other.”

So, maybe he knows something about Tak’s childhood. Plus he gets the two-fer of threatening Miriam. If that’s the real Miriam now? I’m not clear on if it’s been her most of the time, or not at all. If anyone has figured it out, let me know. I think it was Naomi who said hello in the beginning of the party, but it’s the real Miriam now.

“Miriam” feels the show is in poor taste, But Laurens feels that no one’s forcing them. Ah, yes, the rapist’s excuse. It was only sorta coerced. There was no gun to their heads, just starving children to feed. They could be doing some of those other, nonexistent, jobs. Just like I’m sure Laurens would let Miriam or his children leave him.

The couple beat each other brutally, falling out of zero-G and fighting inches away from Tak. That was, of course, Laurens plan all along. Tak finally can’t stand it and reaches out a hand to stop the husband from punching his wife in the face repeatedly. Laurens quickly calls out that he’ll upgrade them both if they can take out the Envoy.

As soon as Tak enters the arena, Kristin insists that the fight be stopped. The man at the control panel says the fight sequence is locked. Laurens says it was an unfortunate accident that he didn’t turn in paperwork on the Envoy. But after all, Tak is legally his property.

The fight is graphic and bloody. It’s tense and exciting, since it’s in zero-G and two on one. After a few minutes, Laurens throws a ninja star in, saying that should make it more interesting. The wife catches it and uses it to slice down Tak’s back. Painful, but no finesse.

Tak calls Vernon on his com, but Vernon is still in the control room downloading files, and doesn’t know what’s happening. He hangs up on Tak. So much for back up. When he finishes, he rushes up to the arena and pulls out Tak’s gun. Kristin sees him and grabs it. She shoots out the control panel, disabling the zero-G and sending all three fighters crashing to the ground.

Kristin: “Gun just went off. One of those unfortunate accidents.”

Laurens just stares at her. I love her so much.

The husband’s leg breaks badly when he hits the ground. His wife loudly complains that his sleeve is ruined. Tak tells her that they fought an Envoy and lived, they should be happy. She tells him that, since no one died, they don’t get paid. She can’t afford to fix her husband’s injuries. Tak throws the ninja star into the husband’s heart, killing him, and says that the couple can have his winnings, including upgraded sleeves for both. Unless Laurens is going back on his word? Laurens says he’ll pay. “It’s only fair.”

Laurens and Miriam watched that entire exchange avidly, like it was the most interesting part of the show. A real person, with real concerns, and an honorable man who fought and died to protect freedom from being bought and sold, having a conversation about how the wife would take care of her husband and feed her children. Laurens and Miriam were like some kind of vampires. Nothing truly makes them feel anything any more, so they have to force out feelings in others, then feed off of them. Or sets up tests, to see how long it takes to corrupt good people, or to break them. Anyone caring about anything beyond themselves and money is fascinating to them.

Tak finds Laurens a little later. Laurens wants to be clear with Tak. He’s to stay away from Miriam. Tak assumes that Laurens was the one who spied on them the night before, but Laurens seems surprised by the accusation. He says he doesn’t need to spy on her.

Laurens: When you’ve been married to the same woman for over 100 years, you know what she does, and you know what she can’t help doing.

Tak: Why do you care what your wife does in her spare time, considering what you’re doing in yours?

Laurens: Your limited life experience can’t possibly encompass what it is to love another person for over 100 years. You achieve something close to veneration. How does one match such respect with the basest desires of the flesh?

Tak: So you love your wife too much to f*ck her?

Laurens: I certainly love my wife too much to let you f*ck her. Now, do you have anything to report on your investigations tonight?

Tak: No. Great party, though. Thanks.

Sometimes, I’d like to join the plot to get rid of Laurens. Also, we still don’t know who sent the spy drone.

Tak, Vernon, and Kristin meet up outside. They agree that the way the Meths live disgusts them. Kristin and Vernon introduce themselves to each other. Kristin returns Tak’s gun and tells him to stay out of trouble for a while. Tak gives Vernon a hard time for being terrible back up, then goes on to his next meet up. Vernon asks if Tak needs back up. Everybody gives Vernon a look. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

    Tak goes to Jack It Off to see if Alice has anything new for “Ava”. Alice stumbles out from behind her screen, covered in bruises. She grabs Tak’s shoulders and tells him they made her do it. He asks her what’s wrong, and what they made her do, just as she injects him with a giant syringe. He slowly drops, spectacularly shattering the glass screen as he falls through it. Tak hangs onto his backpack for dear life, but slips off his Oni before he loses consciousness.

The security goon with the spinal apparatus comes into the room with another man, saying he knew she’d do it. Then he slits Alice’s throat, and let’s her drop to lie on something furry next to Tak as rivulets of blood run down her neck. Can’t have violence done to Tak if there isn’t violence done to a mostly naked woman as well.

Vera Hall’s Death Have Mercy plays over the scene.

  Tak wakes up strapped to a gurney, being wheeled into a lab facility. A woman behind a desk asks how long he’s going to take. A Russian accent answers, “As long as we need. He’s waking up. Dose him.” A technician injects something into his neck.

Tak remembers telling his little sister, “We stick together, Rei. Never face the monsters alone.”

Has he been taken by another Mad Mykola?

  Laurens is incredibly condescending to Tak throughout the episode, as he assumes he’s so much older than Tak. Does Laurens, or anyone alive other than Tak, know his age? His history before he became an Envoy doesn’t seem to be common knowledge. Tak could be only 100, or he could be the human who’s been awake the longest. Either way, Laurens was purposely insulting during most of those speeches, when he talked about long term love and what not. It seems like Tak’s relationship with Quell wasn’t public knowledge, which is just as well, because it would be used against him now.

Laurens is a master at controlling people and keeping them in their places. I don’t think he even completely realizes he’s doing it anymore, in the moment, it’s such an ingrained habit. He certainly doesn’t see why it might breed murderous levels of resentment, even though he thinks of himself as a god. He really should read more Greek mythology. Or the history of any royal dynasty. Or just some Shakespeare.

Tak is visibly more comfortable in this body than he was in episode 1, especially as far as his physical use of the body, but he still has a hard time looking in mirrors. This is a great way for the show to continue to illustrate the cognitive dissonance that he has from being in a white man’s body. It brings out Tak’s inner thoughts about the sleeve that are represented in the book, but harder to show overtly onscreen.

His morning routine is used to show us how alone and lost he really feels in this alien future world. Every shower can be compared to the first shower of the series, which he shared with a female partner. Once he’s dressed and facing the world, his Envoy armor mostly covers that up. But the one thing that young Tak wanted from life was to never face the monsters alone.

The Mad Mykola story and surrounding scene explains Tak’s psychology, and the cultural psychology of stacks and sleeves. The regular people are worked to death to provide for a few wealthy people. The Meths are at the top of the heap, and they take not just the products of labor, but the children themselves- the young people’s bodies- and use them as new sleeves. The desire for sleeves is never-ending, meaning your life and your body aren’t really your own. If a wealthy person wants your sleeve, they’ll find a way to take it.

Like all fairytale mothers, Tak’s mother might as well not be there physically, because she’s unable to protect her children. Tak still feels safer with women than men, and prefers to work with a female partner.  He carries that pink backpack for a reason- it’s a symbol of the women he’s lost and couldn’t protect. It also reminds him of the qualities he doesn’t want to lose in himself. He easily recognizes how Poe is using pink during psychosurgery, while Vernon rejects its softness.

Pink codes female in this show. Not in a pejorative way, just as part of the show’s visual language. It’s frequently used for prostitution in particular in its various forms, but Poe rewrites it into symbolizing other traditionally female traits- safety, warmth, nurturing, protection. It stimulates Lizzie to speak for the first time, and the message is about her lost mother, who’s been frozen.

Lizzie says her mother stole stars from the sky. Stars actually belong to everyone and can’t be stolen. That suggests she found out something someone didn’t want her to see. Or she hacked something that particularly angered the Meths, the obvious metaphor for stars in the sky. She probably caught a Meth stealing. They ripped her soul out through her eyes, the traditional windows to the soul. So they interrogated  and tortured her. She’s spinning around and around- she’s caught in a trauma loop, like Lizzie, spinning but never spun up. Now she’s a dancer in the frost, with icicles in her hair- put on ice, like Tak was for 250 years, but apparently not completely asleep the way he was.

Was Ava taken as part of the attack on Lizzie? Are they connected? Did Bancroft tell Lizzie details about what happened to Ava, and what she was accused of? Was she framed/used?

All of these perfect sleeves have to come from somewhere. Imprisoning anyone who has a body a Meth wants seems like one good solution. Where do the fighters’ replacement sleeves come from, if clones are so expensive? The sleeve business and the rise of the Meths have turned everyone into a commodity to be bought, sold, used, displayed, and discarded, all at the discretion of their owner.

Even violent domestic abuse like Tak grew up with could be written off. Just compensate the victims with a new sleeve, the same way Laurens compensates the women he legally kills. They’ve convinced themselves that the violence, exploitation, and psychological damage don’t matter if it will all appear to be better by morning.

I believe, at this point, that we are seeing so many images of victimized women for this reason. (But I reserve the right to change my interpretation after I’ve watched more.) The Altered Carbon attitudes toward women don’t appear to be substantially different from our own. Women hold positions of political power, they work in everyday middle class fields, they own businesses and are respected professionals. They are wives and mothers.

They also are exploited sexually in every way possible, and the possibilities expand as technology develops. Society feels this is beneficial, because people who act out their urges under controlled “fake” circumstances supposedly won’t move on to commit real crimes.

The acts perpetrated on the women involved in the sex trade aren’t considered criminal, even though they might be if they happened in a private setting. Showing up for work is considered consent. But the sexual acts that started out as people living out their darkest fantasies have become normalized and fashionable. All women are expected to participate, and there’s major social pressure to consent.

A strictly classist society means that some women will have little choice but to end up working in the sex industry, meaning their “consent” is questionable. In an existential sense, and sometimes an actual physical sense, the consent of women can be questionable when having sex privately, since the expectation is so reinforced from birth that women will cooperate and make themselves available.

This is all celebrated by the culture, while the sexual violence that women in all walks of life experience is denied or seen as normal and fine. By showing us the victims of sexualized violence, over and over, and making them pretty, the showrunner is showing us what the future culture, and our own, does to women by oversexualizing them and making violence a normal part of sex. She’s showing us that this isn’t okay. Women can be traumatized and damaged beyond repair by this violence and abuse, but still look “pretty” to everyone else on the outside.

She gives us alternatives in Kristin and Quell, who aren’t oversexualized (so far) or prostitutes. They are people, not overly feminine or masculine, but still recognizably women. They do and fight for what they think is right. They are passionately alive, even though they’ve suffered. They have risen above their damage, and can’t be bought or sold by the people in power any longer.

That’s the true meaning of “We are Envoys, and we take what is given.”

      Altered Carbon Season 1 Episode 3: In a Lonely Place Recap Laurens: "In this world, the only real choice is between being the purchaser and the purchased."