#even if i feel like I am sometimes. im not. and everyone around me is doing more
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Prompted by your post about dnp inviting audience interaction: it /is/ really brave, and so interesting! I haven't been watching them for long at all and one of the biggest things that just drew me in and deeply fascinated me about them is how so much of their work (not just on stage) is in some way a conversation/interaction with their audience and the more you watch the more you notice it. No wonder its easy to be parasocial about them and about the Phandom itself!
To me, at least, they seem to be the sort of performers/creators that need a relatively high level of audience interaction in order to be inspired or for their work to feel meaningful. Like, im absolutely sure they could also create things without this close relationship with their audience but it seems to be what their naturally drawn towards? Obviously the problem has been in maintaining boundaries within that but it seems like that's going better now than at some points in the past, which makes me really happy for everyone!
Sorry about the long yap, this is so interesting to me and I just needed to express it a little
yes!!! i love this!!! so beautifully worded! no need to apologize at all - i am in such hearty agreement and actually think about this so often. i think the engagement with their audience is their superpower, and it runs so deep. what was one of dan's favorite things about phil before he met him? phil's interactive adventure videos, in which he was creating an interactive experience for his viewers.
when they film pinof1 together, what are they doing? they're answering an audience-submitted q&a. the audience interaction is literally baked into their foundation! <3
2010, dan's uni dorm. what's displayed behind him on his wall? art and letters sent to him by viewers. he films danmail vids where he opens and reacts to said art and letters and personally thanks the senders.
for years and years and years, what's at the end of every phil video? fanart! draw phil naked! (in retrospect literally so weird lol but shhh)
the ongoing avalanche of vyous and younows and tumblr reblogs/follows and responding to yt comments and retweets and and and. so much interaction. the videos directly engaging with twitter and tumblr creations. they see us, they know us, they get us.
their first book? included a double-page spread with dozens of pieces of phanart.
every single one of their tours has multiple essential audience interaction components, and even more brilliantly, with multiple different access points that are perfectly calibrated to their audience. too shy to speak up? send in a submission ahead of time. want to be a part of the masses? shout something out during the audience participation segments! and there's always the likelihood that they'll include fanart in the show itself, casually mention an actual actively popular fic, throw in an ancient phwedding manip, or just build whole segments of the show around our tropes and the world that we created with them. all of that keeps things exciting and engaging on stage, bc you never know exactly what's going to come next. but it also keeps their audience feeling seen, valued, and like co-creators in a way.
When you look at the other britcrew and big yters from the 2010s, they simply weren't generating that ongoing, authentic conversation with their audiences. their approach followed the simple format of: i post, you watch. and then it became: i post, you watch, then i try and sell you something while i call you my 'community' because you are all watching me and sometimes you talk to one another in the comments. but it's not like zalfie or joe and casper etc. were chiming in on the convos too, or at least not in any meaningful way. it wasn't a community in the same way.
dan and phil truly built community. i think communities require mutual exchange, communication, a sense of value and worth, commonly agreed upon truths, shared experiences, touchstones of connection, and leaders who have integrity. i know this is all starting to sound a little lofty, but i really do think dan and phil are good humans who have worked hard to wield their power and influence responsibly and compassionately. they set the tone for us, constructed this world, paid attention to what landed for us, how we responded to things, everything that we were up to in response to what they were up to. they listened. they made us feel seen and celebrated and appreciated, and in turn we continued to celebrate them. they created weird inside jokes, we adopted them, then we all shared the weird inside jokes. they existed, we created our own language and lore and encyclopedia in response, and now there's a whole stage show about it.
that's how you get people sticking around for 15 years. that's how you get people to actually want to spend money on you. and yeah, some more boundaries at times couldn't have hurt. they fostered a sense of proximity and entitlement that obviously put them in harm's way. but i'd say ultimately what they've manage to do has been a net good for them and a tremendous success.
you raised such a good point that it seems to be what they are naturally drawn towards. i think it's because they, too, were fangirls. phil was writing buffy fic. dan was running a lost wiki. they both understood the power of online fan community before they were the titans of their own. they get it, they get us <3
#dan and phil#don't think there are any tit specific spoilers in this#me yapping#you said 'let me submit a nice lil anon message' i said 'HOLD MY BEER'
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eeep !! good morning friendz and happy happy monday ! itās a brand new day !!! and a brand new week !! iām waving my lil wand and spreading a lil magic in hopes that everyone has a good one ^_^ ā„ļø
#^ i am so obsessed with her hair i wanna cut my bangs like this T^T#but !!! i am so excited guys !!#i am setting good intentions for the days ahead and ready to get everything back on track !#thereās prob sm to catch up at work today but thatās ok !! im ready to get a lot accomplished ^_^#was feelin super bummed out lately and iām sorry for the negativity i brought on here but !!! sometimes it just has to be that way yk ?#things are turning around tho and i can feel the buzz of excitement in the air ā¤ļø#hoping that everyone can find something to lift their spirits <3 even the tiny things will build up and suddenly things wonāt seem so bad#okay let me quit yappin and scurry into work !!#mihawk fic is queued and iām SO EXCITED !!!! i went a lil nutty but thatās what kinktober is about !!#enjoy the day !!! make yummy choices !!! mwaaah iluuuu !#āĖā¹ į° xoxo aims#ć¾( Ėį“Ė )ā ā ā© daily yap.
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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so us !! <3 what's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Oh i am the blandest person on earth and just Donāt really have many favorites of things honestlyš
like itās kind of a challenge to find any āwhatās your favoriteā question where i actually have a solid answeršŖ
Mmm to do my best though: lately iāve been liking neopolitan since itās three in one lol and iād say other than that i get plain vanilla, cookies and cream, and sāmores a lot
#asks#sorry i got to this a lil slow and also im responding at 5 am and also that i donāt actually have a real answer#do yall have like singular actual favorites of things??#feel like the best i can do most of the time is like a top 5#which top fives can be fun to decide but most people expect me to have like one answer when they ask lol#i am endlessly frustrating to everyone around me as they beg me to have even one single opinionšŖ#like sometimes i wonder if i even have a personality at this rate smh#again very sorry i didnāt really answer thisš
#š³ļø <- dug myself into this hole as punishmentš
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still trying to process my grandma passing away earlier in the week and just now found out that my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. I hope he managed to catch it early, it sounds like his doctor's are deciding what the best action to take is.
#[static]#cancer is my Worst Nightmare truly ... he's the first one in the family to get it somehow#even with everyone on my mom's side being Heavy smokers (like a pack a day sometimes)#that being said it's another one of those family relationships that makes any sort of news difficult to process#I don't know what to do or say or how to feel about it besides basic human empathy that one would express during something like this#because the truth is I *don't* know my dad he was in my life from age 3-4? maybe 5?#and then i saw him randomly through out the rest of it every 6 months-4 years depending on if he'd show up#so while i'm obviously worried for him and sent him a message#im also grappling with 'does he want me to reach out' & 'am i doing this the right way' for a person i have blood ties to but dont know wel#like i've seen him twice in the last 7 years that's about how deep our relationship is as family#I used to want something more with him but I couldn't handle his flakiness and for awhile it seemed like he wanted to be around more#but his actions are always different from his words#anyways this is a long way of saying that my related-family dynamics are so confusing to me and make it hard to process anything
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need that fictional character in a way that would get me promoted in heaven. tbh.
#forget being cast out. this is lovey dovey soft nonsense i am feeling for the man#the angels would be impressed and promote me somehow#<- this is all a joke btw im not C.hristian in any way fjdkdl i am a filthy pagan if anything but i dont like that label for me either lol#also yes i would be cast out or promoted depending on the day. or even the hour bc sometimes i swing around wildly DHJFDKL#okay thats all thank u im going to log out again for the day to go hide some more dhdhdkl giving everyone a wave and one of these: š«¶#dandy.cmd#šso good at being in trouble
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long exasperated sigh
#a nyx original#rant in tags ignore this#im genuinely convinced sometimes that people do not see me as anything other than a girl#i am genderqueer i do not present myself as a girl online but when i start talking to people#theres this feeling deep inside me that they see me as a girl that theyll always see me as a girl and treat me differently because im#the āgirlā of the group#this fear is irrational i do not tell everyone what i was assigned at birth#i dont even use my voice around anyone who isnt a friend#but im just. i dont know it really hurts because im scared of being seen as someone im not#im not a girl i am not a girl i do not want to be a girl#but no matter how many times i say that to myself im scared#do i see MYSELF as a girl? obviously i dont because well#im not! im not!#im transMASC ffs#but when i try to lean into that identity it feels like im just#āpretendingā to be a boy#or ācosplayingā as one instead of actually being one#and being seen as a guy#(or anything other than a girl for that matter) makes me feel. happy#but im scared that everyone sees me as a girl and that ill never be able to get that joy#out of being seen as a guy yk#whatever this is pointless rambling ill be fine
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we goš
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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Wait what do you mean I might not actually be able to do as much as other people. What do you mean the way im currently managing my coursework is going to lead to extreme burnout. what do you mean my disability is actually disabling
#shut up me#i had therapy a few days ago and im kind of shellshocked to be honest#my therapist was firmly but gently like ''You need to stop or you're going to burn out in a way that you wont recover from for a long time'#and I just kept pushing back because im not doing that much Im really not#even if i feel like I am sometimes. im not. and everyone around me is doing more#so that leads to one conclusion. and im having a hard time fully accepting it#I excelled in high school. no issues academically always at the middle-top of my classes#but then again. I didnt do any extra curriculars I wasn't forced into. and I didnt have to feed myself or do my laundry or walk to classes#and the coursework wasn't nearly as self guided#....#there is no conclusion here I just dont know what to do with myself right now
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so weird to see a snapshot of yourself from years ago and realize that you are both a completely different person and also never really changed
#mine#bro i am so glad that im not 12 anymore#its very weird though#im looking back at an old fan account on insta that i no longer have access to#i gotta get in there though#bc im seeing connections i had that i dont remember at all#people i clearly cared about#and i just dont even remember#and yet despite how i seem to have been a beloved part of that community i still felt out of place#like i didnt belong there#i think i sometimes dont realize how much people like having me around bc i always feel so out of place#i just kinda assume everyone can tell im not supposed to be here#so i vanish#i keep doing that#i dont even want to#but everytime i think itd be better that way#but it never is#<- said by someone who has been fighting the urge to just delete their tumblr & change schools#its always a period of peace followed by me fucking off#:(#this took a turn#goodnight all#im so so hungry i think i could just rat that brick i have laying around#if only i didnt care about that thing#id be chomping real good rn#theurge to eat that fucking brick is strong#perhaps yhats a sign that i need sleep#emotional journey :)#from nostalgic to sad to violently hungry and craving brick#what a life
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by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn
#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem#& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss#and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified#whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing#but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard#(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this#like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp#and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life#and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM#THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER#SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME#but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself#and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it#like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe#that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love#or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness#otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc#and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway#like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done#('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me#and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response#AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT#like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart#ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum#but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism#taob updates
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like š god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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hmm
#i just feel like i cant connect to anyone#i dont feel safe with anyone. ppl are so cold and callous#and in fact most ppl support and contribute to abuse & rape culture#and knowing that just makes me not feel safe or comfortable with them#thus i cant trust them w my experiences. i cant trust them at all tbh#+ i have a deeper connection w animals & nature and most ppl.. are so disconnected from those#i just dont feel.. ok with anyone#also the fact that i constantly have to mask. every interaction w ppl feels like a performance#everyone already has decided what they think others should be. and i dont fit into that. im none of it#so i feel sm like no one could understand me. and in turn i dont understand anyone either :/#it's making me feel so so so so fucking lonely#my world views and experiences and everything are things i just cannot ignore#i simply cant shut it off and be w ppl regardless#and i know i cant expect to meet ppl EXACTLY like me. but i just want some that are kinda similar#sigh all of this is so hard to even put into words. it feels like im not explaining this properly#i just look around me sometimes and feel so extremely alone bc i cant connect w anyone. i just dont understand ppl at all.#and i just wanna feel safe and comfortable#maybe what im saying is that someone world views and morals etc are important to me#i cant connect with someone who denies a genocide for example#bc that is so fundamentally against who i am and what i believe in#but it is so fkn rare i cant even come up w an example of me coming across someone similar to mtyself#idk.. just dont wanna be alone
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i remember i'd hear about how my state is one of the most dangerous places in terms of sex trafficking and i would think, what an awful thing. how terrible is it that my state has such an issue with trafficking that it's enough for it to be a well-known, well-documented serious danger/risk area.
and i still didn't think it would ever happen to me.
#familial trafficking is a very real thing and i am not okay :)#i still have a hard time coming to terms w it. i mean. thats what happened. i was trafficked. but it wasnt a stranger.#it was my fucking dad!! what the fuck!!!!!#he wouldnt stick around whenever hed bring me somewhere so it could happen. he literally left me w men he didnt even really know.#i remember one of them asked me once 'think your dad would let me keep you?' and all i could do was cry because well.#what exactly was stopping him from taking me? it sure as hell wasnt the law because me being seven fucking years old didnt matter.#im sure some of them thought about it. i just got lucky. i only got to go back home because of dumb luck. not everyone gets that chance.#sometimes i still feel like shit for using the word 'trafficking' to describe what happened to me because i know thats what it was#but it still doesnt feel like its *my* word to use. like im blowing it all out of proportion even though thats. literally what it was.#i dont know how to talk to anyone about it. just typing this made me have to put my phone down for a minute so i could try to calm down.#and then i also had to set it down for like an hour for the same reason. i just. im gonna go play minecraft for a few hours.#csa vent#trauma vent#actuallyabused#actuallytraumatized#tw trafficking#forgetting about this shit for years and having the memories come flooding back all of a sudden has been. SO difficult.#im so tired of thinking about it but i cant stop.
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im like such an idiot highkey like damn
#3.txt#like my dumb ass cought feelings for my situationship and like he doesnt want me obviously#and like im so confused where i stand w him and like everyone keeps asking abt it and like its just so humiliating#cuz like i was talking to one of his friends and he was like so whats gong on between u 2#and i was pike oh you know jist like fwb nothing serious#and hes like oh why so#and its like im not gonna say its bcs he doesnt fucking like me or want me so i had to just pathetically mumble something out#like fuck me#its like im so stupid and desperate for attention like why did i do this to myslef#and like im so into him it crazy and hes not a bad guy in any way#hes really amaizng its just that im that dumb bitch that cought feelings like fuck meee#i need to find like an actual bf or somwthing and end this shit cuz i cant go on like this#like i dont ever know where i stand w that guy and like#somethimes well be chilling and it will be like were just friends like nothing extra and when we leave ill go in for a hug and hell go for#a handshake but other times ill leave and hell go in for a fucking kiss so like how am i supposed to keep up#like sometimes well hang out and heel be all love dovey other times its like im not even there#like if he just wants to be firends thats fine w me i just wish i had some clarity#cuz like i never know how to act around him#whatever fuck all life i should just kms
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