#even if i feel like I am sometimes. im not. and everyone around me is doing more | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tetzoro · 3 months ago

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eeep !! good morning friendz and happy happy monday ! it’s a brand new day !!! and a brand new week !! i’m waving my lil wand and spreading a lil magic in hopes that everyone has a good one ^_^ ♥︎

#^ i am so obsessed with her hair i wanna cut my bangs like this T^T #but !!! i am so excited guys !!#i am setting good intentions for the days ahead and ready to get everything back on track !#there’s prob sm to catch up at work today but that’s ok !! im ready to get a lot accomplished ^_^#was feelin super bummed out lately and i’m sorry for the negativity i brought on here but !!! sometimes it just has to be that way yk ?#things are turning around tho and i can feel the buzz of excitement in the air ❤︎#hoping that everyone can find something to lift their spirits <3 even the tiny things will build up and suddenly things won’t seem so bad #okay let me quit yappin and scurry into work !!#mihawk fic is queued and i’m SO EXCITED !!!! i went a lil nutty but that’s what kinktober is about !!#enjoy the day !!! make yummy choices !!! mwaaah iluuuu !#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims #ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ — ✩ daily yap.

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cetoddle · 6 days ago

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qiao ling would never allow me to be treated like this

#i really try very hard to be kind to people and help out where i can #but everyone’s ways ends up taking advantage of that kindness..and i don’t understand why #like i make the effort so then it’s expected of me #but no one ever wants to reciprocate #i mean i don’t help people and stuff because im expecting to get something out of it. i just do it because idk it’s nice ?#but when you’re always working yourself to the bone helping others…and then when you reach out no one even acknowledges it #it hurts a lot..#it makes me want to just close myself off and stop being kind again #it feels like every time i let my guard down around someone they end up making me regret it #it really feels like no one’s safe sometimes and like i really truly am just alone in this world #i just wish i had someone i could depend on who would help me when i need it #i don’t mind helping others or doing favors but #i wish someone just once would do the same for me u know..#i’m so sad :( why is the world so cruel ..#snow.txt

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c1trvswurld · 25 days ago

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I thought I was so behind questioning my sexuality. But then I asked myself if I was even attracted to women on a romantic level (answer is no). Then I felt like shit for only liking women physically. Then I realized I also don't really like men romantically all that much either. Then I felt like a fuck boy butch for an hour before deciding I don't care and whatever happens happens. So full circle moment

#🍊.txt #i have never really developed a hard romantic interest in everyone #at most i had a crush butbin retrospect i think i was just very attracted to them physically and i interpreted my nervousness around a bad #bitch as my nervousness romantically.#and even then its weird where people are attractive aesthetically? but i rarely get the “i need to fuck them NOW” feeling others do #i only feel that way with fictional characters LOL #i think i am somewhere on that aroace spectrum and id love to ask and know #but if i went into specifics publicly itd out me and my type of attractions as a FREAK #so im keeping that to myself for now #but i feel so shitty sometimes fir only being attracted to ppl physically #i wanna know what its like to love #is it as good as people say it is? is it as heart breaking #id take it over feeling nothing #kinda feel broken in that regard #idk if its my relationship with my body or some cluster b shit but i just cant feel in that way. at most i feel familial love #and even that is limited. i love my family like how omniman loves his wife #god that is a fucked realization ive just came to #have to rb some gay yuri after that

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bare1ythere · 1 year ago

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Wait what do you mean I might not actually be able to do as much as other people. What do you mean the way im currently managing my coursework is going to lead to extreme burnout. what do you mean my disability is actually disabling

#shut up me #i had therapy a few days ago and im kind of shellshocked to be honest #my therapist was firmly but gently like ''You need to stop or you're going to burn out in a way that you wont recover from for a long time'#and I just kept pushing back because im not doing that much Im really not #even if i feel like I am sometimes. im not. and everyone around me is doing more #so that leads to one conclusion. and im having a hard time fully accepting it #I excelled in high school. no issues academically always at the middle-top of my classes #but then again. I didnt do any extra curriculars I wasn't forced into. and I didnt have to feed myself or do my laundry or walk to classes #and the coursework wasn't nearly as self guided #....#there is no conclusion here I just dont know what to do with myself right now

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napping-sapphic · 3 months ago

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so us !! <3 what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Oh i am the blandest person on earth and just Don’t really have many favorites of things honestly😅

like it’s kind of a challenge to find any “what’s your favorite” question where i actually have a solid answer😪

Mmm to do my best though: lately i’ve been liking neopolitan since it’s three in one lol and i’d say other than that i get plain vanilla, cookies and cream, and s’mores a lot

#asks #sorry i got to this a lil slow and also im responding at 5 am and also that i don’t actually have a real answer #do yall have like singular actual favorites of things??#feel like the best i can do most of the time is like a top 5 #which top fives can be fun to decide but most people expect me to have like one answer when they ask lol #i am endlessly frustrating to everyone around me as they beg me to have even one single opinion😪#like sometimes i wonder if i even have a personality at this rate smh #again very sorry i didn’t really answer this😅#��️ <- dug myself into this hole as punishment😔

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famewolf · 3 months ago

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still trying to process my grandma passing away earlier in the week and just now found out that my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer. I hope he managed to catch it early, it sounds like his doctor's are deciding what the best action to take is.

#[static]#cancer is my Worst Nightmare truly ... he's the first one in the family to get it somehow #even with everyone on my mom's side being Heavy smokers (like a pack a day sometimes)#that being said it's another one of those family relationships that makes any sort of news difficult to process #I don't know what to do or say or how to feel about it besides basic human empathy that one would express during something like this #because the truth is I *don't* know my dad he was in my life from age 3-4? maybe 5?#and then i saw him randomly through out the rest of it every 6 months-4 years depending on if he'd show up #so while i'm obviously worried for him and sent him a message #im also grappling with 'does he want me to reach out' & 'am i doing this the right way' for a person i have blood ties to but dont know wel #like i've seen him twice in the last 7 years that's about how deep our relationship is as family #I used to want something more with him but I couldn't handle his flakiness and for awhile it seemed like he wanted to be around more #but his actions are always different from his words #anyways this is a long way of saying that my related-family dynamics are so confusing to me and make it hard to process anything

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dandyshucks · 8 months ago

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need that fictional character in a way that would get me promoted in heaven. tbh.

#forget being cast out. this is lovey dovey soft nonsense i am feeling for the man #the angels would be impressed and promote me somehow #<- this is all a joke btw im not C.hristian in any way fjdkdl i am a filthy pagan if anything but i dont like that label for me either lol #also yes i would be cast out or promoted depending on the day. or even the hour bc sometimes i swing around wildly DHJFDKL #okay thats all thank u im going to log out again for the day to go hide some more dhdhdkl giving everyone a wave and one of these: 🫶#dandy.cmd #💜so good at being in trouble

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nyxnco · 8 months ago

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long exasperated sigh

#a nyx original #rant in tags ignore this #im genuinely convinced sometimes that people do not see me as anything other than a girl #i am genderqueer i do not present myself as a girl online but when i start talking to people #theres this feeling deep inside me that they see me as a girl that theyll always see me as a girl and treat me differently because im #the “girl” of the group #this fear is irrational i do not tell everyone what i was assigned at birth #i dont even use my voice around anyone who isnt a friend #but im just. i dont know it really hurts because im scared of being seen as someone im not #im not a girl i am not a girl i do not want to be a girl #but no matter how many times i say that to myself im scared #do i see MYSELF as a girl? obviously i dont because well #im not! im not!#im transMASC ffs #but when i try to lean into that identity it feels like im just #“pretending” to be a boy #or “cosplaying” as one instead of actually being one #and being seen as a guy #(or anything other than a girl for that matter) makes me feel. happy #but im scared that everyone sees me as a girl and that ill never be able to get that joy #out of being seen as a guy yk #whatever this is pointless rambling ill be fine

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phagodyke · 6 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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our-lady-of-mcr · 9 months ago

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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn

#self #for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school #and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt #trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house #for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO #and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time #i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it #is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication #which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it #but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can #and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar #but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely #on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment #her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way #i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to #hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very #honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer #regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend #i am not the person who put that shit in your folder #though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is #and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building #that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months #yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you #AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not #im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that #shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything #so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything

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truckstoptigers · 1 year ago

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i remember i'd hear about how my state is one of the most dangerous places in terms of sex trafficking and i would think, what an awful thing. how terrible is it that my state has such an issue with trafficking that it's enough for it to be a well-known, well-documented serious danger/risk area.

and i still didn't think it would ever happen to me.

#familial trafficking is a very real thing and i am not okay :)#i still have a hard time coming to terms w it. i mean. thats what happened. i was trafficked. but it wasnt a stranger.#it was my fucking dad!! what the fuck!!!!!#he wouldnt stick around whenever hed bring me somewhere so it could happen. he literally left me w men he didnt even really know.#i remember one of them asked me once 'think your dad would let me keep you?' and all i could do was cry because well.#what exactly was stopping him from taking me? it sure as hell wasnt the law because me being seven fucking years old didnt matter.#im sure some of them thought about it. i just got lucky. i only got to go back home because of dumb luck. not everyone gets that chance.#sometimes i still feel like shit for using the word 'trafficking' to describe what happened to me because i know thats what it was #but it still doesnt feel like its *my* word to use. like im blowing it all out of proportion even though thats. literally what it was.#i dont know how to talk to anyone about it. just typing this made me have to put my phone down for a minute so i could try to calm down.#and then i also had to set it down for like an hour for the same reason. i just. im gonna go play minecraft for a few hours.#csa vent #trauma vent #actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #tw trafficking #forgetting about this shit for years and having the memories come flooding back all of a sudden has been. SO difficult.#im so tired of thinking about it but i cant stop.

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cetoddle · 29 days ago

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i think a lot of people irl think i might be a lesbian just because i am so picky about men. cause most of the time im like eh he’s okay. oh he’s not my type. no i dont think that guy is hot. so they just assume i dont like men at all. which is. fair