#i am conflicted about the bathroom kiss to an extent

[charliespringverse]

... it's just hit me that lister describes the bathroom kiss as assault and even when jimmy reassures him that he doesn't see it that way and doesn't have a problem with it, lister refuses to accept that it was anything other than objectively assault

while two days earlier jimmy insisted that a 32-yr-old having sex with lister at age 16 was wrong, despite lister not seeing it that way and not having a problem with it

does that mean that lister took that conversation on board but only as far as "the person on the receiving end of an advance can't accurately assess whether or not it was wrong" and is now equating himself to the woman that took advantage of him . because i will weep

[avada-kedavrugh]

hi :) could you write a draco x reader where she's been really stressed out and he's like 'wtf do i do' and panicking bc he has no idea how do deal with it? thank you :)

pairing: draco x reader 

summary: you’re upset and draco doesn’t know what to do bc hes afraid of losing you.

warnings: angst, fluff

not sure how happy i am with this but here ya go!

You were always a firm believer that Saturdays were made for relaxing, for taking a breather from the stresses in the world, and letting your mind wind down. Saturdays were definitely not made for you to be sat alone in the bathroom, hands bawled at your sides, knuckles turning white as your teeth bared down on your lips to prevent the string of whimpers that would escape.  

You were struggling. Not only were you struggling, but you didn’t have the bravery to admit it to anyone and you weren’t sure you even had the words to explain what you were feeling.

Instead, you let the stress build-up, let it taunt you at night, and keep you wide awake, let it leave a sickly pit in your stomach that stole your appetite, let it plague your mind, and snatch your happy thoughts. All the while, you put on a brave face and forced a smile for your boyfriend Draco, out of some strange fear – that you couldn’t shake off – over how he’d react.

You had tried to tell him, tell him you were stressed about the world around you, the growing rumors of Voldemort, the pressures your family put on you, but when you opened your mouth it all just seemed like too much and all that came out was an inaudible mutter. Draco had shot you a weird, interrogating look which sent your nerves into overdrive and so then, you decided you could deal with your stress all alone.

And now you were sat in the toilet, blotched eyes soaked with tears and trying to hold back sobs. Clearly, you were not as good as you thought at dealing with stress.

You inhaled, fixating on the feeling of the air rushing through you, trying to push out the feelings of anxiety that consumed you. Your chest rose and fell as your breaths finally came to a steady rhythm, your heart rate slowing, and your sense of calm returning. You sat in the new-found stillness of the cubicle, ears on patrol for any sound - any possible witnesses that you’d have to deal with - but all you heard was the drip of a broken tap.

You desperately wiped at your face again, scrubbing away your tears, smoothing down your crumpled sleeve and taking a deep breath, both to steady your mind and ready yourself, as you stood up and walked out the cubicle.

Draco had noticed something was up. Draco prided himself on knowing you, when you were around, he often tried dissecting your thoughts and body language, tagging your every movement carefully. He’d sometimes smugly think he knew you better than you even knew yourself. He knew exactly what every look you gave him meant, from the looks of arousal to the small flashes of anger, he knew it all and he cherished it all, though what he cherished most was the bright grin – one that always forced a small smile on his face - and the twinkling flash of your eyes and symphony of your laugh that rung through his ears which he had memorised on loop. 

Recently, the number of times you flashed your contagious grin was decreasing and he knew something was up, he found himself working harder just to get a small smile from your lips or a hesitant chuckle. So now his mind pondered over what was making you act differently; in his darkest thoughts he was scared you didn’t want him anymore and the fear of that made him avoid the topic entirely.

He tried to rationalise it as school stress and told himself to remain calm but all he wanted was you. Maybe, he wondered when he tried to sleep at night, you were finally fed up with him, he knew he wasn’t always the best boyfriend, he could admit he struggled to express his emotions and would find himself pushing you away, he knew that you could probably find someone much better but he cherished and loved you – even though he had never told you that.

Selfishly, he didn’t want to lose you and so he hoped things would get better but as weeks went on he knew he had to approach you, ask you what was wrong, he noticed you were smiling less and yawning more, your eyes become decorated with lavender bags rather than the happy twinkle in them that he adored. He wasn’t really sure how to approach the matter. He was scared that he’d make it worse or that you’d utter the words that would ruin his whole world.  

One day, when you seemed particularly withdrawn and upset, face pale and eyes riddled with worry, he decided he had to ask you. Even if his greatest fear came true, he knew that he’d risk losing you, just to see your happy smile again.  

He didn’t really know what to do. Emotions were complicated. He had an amazing talent at putting his foot in things and didn’t want to do that this time. He wanted to make you happy and you seemed so fragile right now that he knew the risk and, frankly, he was terrified.

Finally, he had mentally worked up the courage and strode into the common room knowing you should be there, mentally reciting the words to say to you. And then his eyes searched for you, to find you, and to his surprise, you weren’t there.  

He panicked at first thinking this was just a clear sign you didn’t want him, that you were avoiding him, that you didn’t want to speak to him. He was about to let his insecurities get the best of him when he heard someone mutter “Did you see that Y/N crying in the hallways earlier, must be trouble in paradise.” The voices around him all burst out into laughter and he could feel eyes reel over him.

Hands clenching, eyes blaring and a new state of determination fuelled by spite drove him forward as he stormed up to the group, and through clenched teeth he demanded.

“Where is she?”

As you left the cubicle, you took in the image of the strange figure in the mirror, skin faded, weary eyes adorned with bags and the remnants of tears, as you sighed, so did the figure, your reflection showing the true extent of your struggle. Taking a moment to take in the sight, checking every detail to see if you looked suitably presentable, your mind flashed to Draco, hoping that he wouldn’t notice your strange behaviour. Then you turned to leave the bathroom, leaving the grim reflection behind you and preparing to force a smile on your face back in the common room.

The first thing you saw as you opened the bathroom door was a blonde-haired boy pacing up and down the door, face wrinkled into a look of stress. As soon as the door slammed behind you and you were trapped in the corridor with Draco, his eyes darted up and looked down your form, scrutinising every detail before falling into a look of worry.

“Y/N?” His stony eyes flickered with softness as he took a step towards you, his hands reaching up to you before he quickly stilled, his hands falling by his side and his eyes flickered with a conflict. You could see a contemplative look on his face as he stared at you, his mouth opening to speak but nothing coming out. You returned his hard stare, the sound of breathing the only thing cutting through the awkward silence between the two of you.

“I was just about to come into the toilets but I, I didn’t know what to say” He admitted.

You remained silent, unsure of what to say.

“I know something is wrong Y/N.” Draco finally worked up the courage to say.

As your heart tugged with dread you snapped back “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Y/N, please, I-” His own eyes glazed over as he took a deep breath, steadying his words as he moved a step forward “I know something is wrong, so don’t lie to me. Even if it hurts me, please don’t lie to me.”

“It’s nothing really.” The downturn of Draco’s face made you immediately regret your choice of words.

“I know I’m not, I’m not the greatest boyfriend and I know you can do so much better but I lo- like being around you,” His voice cracking as he spoke as his hands began to tremble “you make me happy and I really do not want to lose you because I-I love you but if it’d make you happier if we broke up that’s also okay, I just want you to be happy-”

You looked at him for a second as you listened, eyebrows falling into confusion, you closed the gap between the two of you and wrapped your arms around him, holding him tight as his arms instinctively held you, stopping him in his rant.

“Draco you idiot,” You whispered into his neck as you held each other tight in embrace “You can’t get rid of me that easily, I love you too.”

His face pulled back, twisting with confusion at your words, bloodshot eyes staring at your face looking for any signs of deception.

“But I thought-”

“You really thought I didn’t want you anymore?” You continued “I’ve just been stressed about everything going on, I have a lot of pressure on me and I didn’t want to burden you with it”

“None of your emotions are ever a burden to me,” He muttered, sincerity clear in his voice. He held you for a while, both of you holding onto each other tightly, as if, if you let each other go just the tiniest bit, you’d lose each other. You forgot where you were for a second, transported from the empty hallways of Hogwarts to a universe where it was just you and Draco and your love for each other. Draco broke the comfortable silence by pulling back, his lips twisted into a smug look as he teased “You love me?”

“Yeah, I do. But you’re the one who told me they loved me first remember?” Teasing him back  

“I can’t blame you for loving me, I am pretty great” His words dripping with amusement as he ignored your words, then his look changed into a one of sincerity as he kissed you.

Almost covered by the sounds of kissing you could barely make out as Draco murmured

“I love you darling, always will.”

[lightsandlostbells]

wtFOCK season 3, episode 2 reaction

In this episode, stuff ... happens ... in theory? Reminder again that negative opinions lie within, don’t read if you would prefer not to hear them.

EPISODE 2

Clip 1 - Morning after housewarming party

Zoë shows Robbe around the kitchen the night after the party, Senne goes off to “drink coffee in a clean room - it wasn’t my party” so there’s a moment of awkwardness with Zoë, I guess? I will say this: I’m not a Noorhelm fan, but I don’t mind seeing them being actually domestic instead of pointless drama, and while I don’t want the season to focus a ton on it, I don’t mind seeing drama that’s more grounded and less terrible than William and all the Nikolai rape response stuff.

A random dude who’s a one-night stand of Milan’s appears in the kitchen and Robbe and Zoë giggle. I was going to say that I wish Robbe appeared maybe a little more thrown/uncomfortable with it, or awkward, but then you can see him looking at the guy … considering … like maybe “hey I liked seeing that dude in his underwear” or just “hmmm wonder what it would be like to have a one-night stand with a man … gay thoughts can’t catch me” so like. An actual good moment! If they had combined this into episode 1, it would’ve really worked well and got us into Robbe’s attraction to men right off the bat.

But hey, both can happen! Show Robbe as awkward when confronted with proof of Milan’s gayness, yes sir there is man-fucking happening under this roof, and then at the end, have his discomfort turn to slight interest at the dude in his underwear. Robbe is conflicted in that he’s not comfortable with all this gay stuff, but at the same time, he can’t help but be intrigued.

On the one hand I think it helps to have the Isak more socially isolated at the start, but I do think Robbe and Zoë are really cute pals so far.

Clip 2 - Robbe and Noor in store (heh)

Robbe goes to meet Noor at work, she works in retail at a clothing store. They smile and make out. ...Why? Why is he actively pursuing her?

From a narrative perspective, pretend I don’t know where this season is going. Pretend I don’t know we are actually headed for a gay romance - which, hey, is kinda fair because we haven’t even met the male love interest yet. I am getting very mixed messages as to what Robbe wants. He seems to like this girl! But he didn’t want to have sex with her. OK… so maybe he’s asexual, or maybe he’s just not ready for sex. Maybe he feels nervous or like he has no idea what he’s doing because he’s a virgin, IDK. Perhaps we need to establish more clearly that Robbe’s hesitation in having sex or going farther with Noor is due to his lack of interest in girls, contrasted with his interest in guys. 

Of course, I know internalized homophobia is a thing, and that Isak did the same thing with Emma. But consider that we actively saw how his pursuit of her clashed with his inner feelings - we saw him try to avoid her, we saw his lack of interest in the bathroom or at kosegruppa , especially compared to his interest in Even, OR when he did pursue her, we saw him pressured by his friends to attend her party, or we saw him have to psych himself up in order to speak to her. There was contrast all the time. And we also saw a clear cause and effect when Isak did pursue her: Isak was Googling about how to be into girls when you’re gay. It was very clear that Isak’s external actions were at odds with his internal desires. I’m not saying that we need wtFOCK to spell out the same for Robbe. HOWEVER, we do need more to go off, because otherwise this reads as a teenage boy who likes a girl, but who isn’t super into sex with her, which could result from several reasons other than him being gay.

And yeah, there are a few moments where we tentatively broach the topic of gayness. But not many! As I mentioned previously those moments are also muddled with other issues, like the guys ditching Robbe for the girls is muddled with him being sad about his mom. Him apologizing to Milan is muddled with what could genuinely be an awkward moment, like Robbe could hypothetically be a straight dude who didn’t have the best reaction to a guy trying to kiss him? It seems like the most definitive evidence of Robbe being gay was in previous seasons, not this one.

But they’re making it feel like Robbe really likes Noor. They’re not selling me on where Robbe is in his journey. Is he trying to act straight for an audience, as Isak did? That makes no sense when he’s going out with Noor on his own, with none of his boys around. Is he in denial? Is he trying to act straight for his own sake? That makes more sense, but that’s when I really need more introspective Robbe POV. And I’m a big fan of show don’t tell, yet Isak’s season managed to be so subtle about it while making it obvious what his deal was, infusing every clip with the themes, letting us know what’s in Isak’s head. I have no idea what’s in Robbe’s head right now.

I guess maybe he went to visit Noor because Milan’s one night stand man gave him gay feelings and he needed to combat them? IDK, dude.

Anyway, Jana is there shopping and Noor drags Robbe into a changing stall, they make out, Jana interrupts to get Noor’s opinion. Robbe seems less enthusiastic but waits in the stall until Noor returns. Noor comes back in and she and Robbe make out, getting hot and heavy, borderline foreplay until Jana needs her help again. Robbe seems unenthusiastic. Noor goes back to work. Robbe gets a text from his mom asking why he doesn’t visit, does he not love her. Ouch! That’s actually a good moment for the family drama. Robbe looks conflicted.

Also, I like the shot of Robbe reflecting in the changing room mirrors. 

What was the point of this scene when the EXACT SAME THING happened in the last episode, just two clips ago? Noor tries to get it on with Robbe, he’s not into it, they’re interrupted. 

Was the point to have Jana there? Why is she there, anyway, is this going to be a plot point? Because she could have been the one to interrupt them last time if she needs to know about their relationship for some reason. Although everyone seems to know about Robbe/Noor getting together anyway, so ??? Was it to have someone interrupt them in the changing stall? Because that could have been any random customer who needed help. I mean, Noor’s manager could have yelled for her to come help with something.

The only thing that’s really different about this clip was the text from his mom, which could have occurred in ANY setting, like in the kitchen scene with Zoë.

Jana could have been there to reference her previous suspicion of Robbe’s sexuality, like she sees him and Noor and we can tell she doesn’t fully buy their relationship. But that doesn’t come through in the acting (no disrespect to the actress, because that is all on the director to come up with that angle). Or maybe Jana calling for Noor to help her could have seemed more calculated, like maybe Robbe seemed awkward with Noor, she picked up on that, and now she’s trying to help him out.

A small POV moment: we don’t need to see Jana and Noor outside the changing stall. It’s not necessary, their conversation has zero importance (like was this an ad for this clothing store or....) What would have been effective? Sitting with Robbe inside the stall, focusing on his miserable reaction, seeing him trying to psych himself up for Noor makeouts. We hear Jana and Noor talking outside the stall but it comes across as distant and detached - which is what Robbe is feeling. 

Clip 3 - Robbe goes to see his mom

We see Robbe in the hallway of the hospital - an actual good moment, potentially. He apologizes to Noor via text for leaving suddenly. She’s working, dude, you shouldn’t be there anyway.

I don’t mind Robbe meeting with his mom, that could be very good, but it’s also such a radical change that I hope they actually do something with it. If Robbe is willing to visit his mom in a mental health facility, then is he more informed about mental illness in general, and how will that affect his relationship with the Even? Etc. This is actually a big change from Isak’s attitudes about mental illness, and it doesn’t make as much sense for Robbe to parrot those same ignorant attitudes later. (EDIT from the future: lol) 

Robbe gets home from meeting with his mom. He tries to dodge Zoë’s questions about it, but she says, “You can try it with Jens and them, but not with me.” Well, on the one hand, I like Zoë and this is a nice relationship. On the other hand … uhhh, how close are she and Robbe yet, really? They’re getting friendly but are they at this level? 

Robbe is like, you don’t know how long this has been going on and Zoë apologizes. I do like that Zoë doesn’t really know what’s up and is giving him kinda generic advice? But also … I think part of the power of the Magnus talk was that Isak had been keeping the extent of his mom issues and his issues with mentally ill people to himself, when all this time he had a friend who understood. One of S3′s lessons for Isak was about opening up to people - that he wasn’t alone - and Magnus’ insight into having a mentally ill parent is one of the ways that lesson proves itself. For Robbe to be getting a pep talk about supporting mentally ill people so early on in the season seems like it could potentially undermine both the arc with his mother AND his relationship with Even, like … he’s had someone counseling him on dealing with mentally ill people all along, before he even meets his Even. I mean, Zoë basically gives the Sonja talk here. And now he’s also been in regular contact with his mentally ill mom. So while of course he can still have serious issues with mentally ill people, it does present quite differently from someone who’s been keeping them at arm’s length, like Isak. You have to account for that. (EDIT from the future: lol)

Milan comes in with his boytoy, Milan sprays whipped cream in his man’s mouth, they kiss.  This was done well, actually, because Robbe is shown in between them, and we see him taking them in, like … huh, two men kissing! Interesting! 

Robbe has a Moment and Zoë asks Milan and the guy to stop with the PDA. He calls out her hypocrisy since she’s always making out with Senne. (He’s right based on what we saw of them earlier.)

OK, Senne opening his mouth so Milan can spray whipped cream inside is actually adorable, and I kinda dig having an Eskild and a William interact in an affectionate way. 

Robbe watches the men kissing again, hmmmm. Good job, this is what we need from his POV.

Senne is leaving to go hang out with his pal. Zoë seems kinda sad he’s not eating with them. I mean all things considered, taking it at face value so far, this seems like normal couple shit and not something to make a big deal out of. Things change when you move in together or when one of you goes to university, duh. Not that it’s bad to explore this, just that it’s not a huge cause for concern yet.

I laughed because the subs say that Zoë describes the salad as “lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese” and that is definitely not what we see on screen. But at least Zoë being fussy over what Robbe eats is some good characterization, it makes sense for her.

Clip 4 - Skate park

The boys are talking about how to jerk off with a numb hand. Robbe shares a Look with a dude who walks by, Now that definitely is the Even, right? Unless they were just messing with audience expectations? (EDIT from the future: Looks like Sander to me, but I don’t know what the audience consensus is.)

Jens recommends jerking off with toothpaste … okay as a non-dick haver I cannot vouch for this but. I feel like this would lead to Bad Things. Aaron’s reaction of clutching his crotch seems apt.

Is bike dude the Even instead???

OK LMAO NO, IT’S NOOR, I couldn’t tell because of the distance at first and also because my visual processing skills are not the greatest.

See, it would’ve been better if it were the Even. Because I thought they were grilling Robbe on having sex with Noor while his attention kept drifting back to the guy on the bike, which is decent storytelling and communicates where his interest really is ... but it’s actually Noor so there’s none of that subtext there.

Robbe rushing to make out with Noor can at least be interpreted as him wanting to show off for the boys. Moyo wants to join in? Hmmmm.

You dumbasses KNOW you interrupted the sex, weirdos.

Wait, so ... what was the point of this scene? 

I’m not trying to be funny, I’m asking seriously. Everything in this scene was either irrelevant to the overall story OR something that had already been established, such as Robbe’s awkwardness about sex with Noor ... or the fact that he’s with Noor ... the boys knowing that he’s dating Noor? About the only thing that was new to this clip was the brief glance between Robbe and the mystery dude, something that could have been included in another clip. Are we setting up that Moyo is interested in Noor? Maybe they get together after Robbe breaks up with her? (EDIT from the future: no) Or there’s a dramatic scene where Jens is rushed to the hospital after a toothpaste-related dick mishap? (EDIT from the future: no, although it would have improved the season immensely)

Clip 5 - Seaside arrangements

So I guess the boy squad makes YouTube videos or w/e?

Aaron’s happy to see Amber approach. Amber asks if Noor is coming to the seaside. So what, is there a joint girl and boy squad beach trip or whatever? The seaside trip is to hook up, I guess.

God, I would actually kinda dig Aaron and Luca as a couple more than Aaron and Amber. 

Robbe looks bummed that Noor will be joining them, and at the prospect of “sex on the beach” so hurrah for that detail.

Err, kinda weird, though, that the point of this clip seems to be nagging Robbe into inviting Noor (which is fine, a way to communicate his discomfort and the fact that he’s in too deep with Noor) but then at the end Amber is like oh nm, Britt already asked Noor and she’s coming? So the whole bit with nagging Robbe ... did not matter. I think it would have worked better either way: Robbe is peer pressured into inviting the girl he didn’t want to go, OR Robbe is powerless to prevent the girl he doesn’t want to go from coming with them. It just feels like this is unfocused writing by trying to have it both ways.

So will the YouTube thing be plot relevant? 

Clip 6 - Boy squad and Noor in hallway

12:21, I see what you did there. Maybe.

Noor is handing out flyers for a school performance, she kisses Robbe. WAY TOO MUCH TIME IS SPENT ON NOOR AND ROBBE.

If I were watching this show with NO prior knowledge of this storyline, I think I would feel so unbalanced when Even comes around? Even with the previous hints about Robbe from earlier seasons.

Robbe is like, I don’t think this dance is for me, while the boys look around. Uhhh, I mean … if this is supposed to be the equivalent of Emma’s pre-drink, it’s stupid? Getting invited to drink with a girl you made out with once =/= getting invited to a dance performance by a girl you are clearly dating and making out with every opportunity. One of these is clearly a bigger deal. I get that Robbe isn’t into her (SUPPOSEDLY) but this is just a weird way to adapt that scene. He’s not trying to shake off someone he regrets making out with; this is someone he is actively instigating makeouts with, so why the sudden regret? I guess it’s because now he doesn’t want to go to the seaside with her? But he just kissed her two seconds ago! Either Robbe is trying to get out of his thing with Noor, in which case we should see him being awkward when she tries to kiss him - not smiling and touching her as he does - or he’s still fully on board trying to date Noor, in which case why wouldn’t he agree to go to her dance performance?

And the other guys are like, AGHAST because obviously they want to watch hot girls dance. So it is a direct adaptation of that Emma scene. Except it doesn’t make sense.

Also, Robbe is rude and dismissive to Noor about it, and she walks away with a frown, but that doesn’t make sense with his characterization so far!!! Because there is NO evidence of him being a fuckboy in this season, so far he’s honestly been pretty chill and sweet with Noor (visiting her at her work, etc.) and he keeps actively engaging with her on a level that Isak was not doing with Emma. I GUESS you could extrapolate to say he wants to turn her off so he doesn’t have to go to the seaside with her and bang her, but lmao, that’s me giving way more credit to the writing than is merited, and again, makes no sense considering he seemed perfectly fine with kissing her just now.

Or he tried to get out of it because dance sucks and men don’t go to dance performances? IDK, dude. I have a hard time following the logic of this scene based on what we know about Robbe and Robbe/Noor so far.

The boys talk Robbe into going because it’s his duty to help them get pussy. What charmers.

Actually, this is also dumb because they could just go to the dance performance themselves? Emma was clearly inviting Isak to her private party and the others were only invited by proxy, so Isak agreeing to go was a requirement for the other boys to attend. But in this situation, Noor is passing out flyers to everyone walking by, and the dance performance is a school function for anyone to attend, so who gives a shit if Robbe wants to go or not? They’ve already established they’re cool with ditching him to chase girls, they can just go without him if he’s being a sourpuss. I guess they need him to be the bridge between them and Noor’s hot dance friends.

Noor comes back and is happy they’re going.

Clip 7 - Milan pranks Senne

Zoë complains about Senne coming home and snoring all night, and like, lmao, that’s charming, but also … that’s just part of being in a relationship and living with people, lol. If snoring is your biggest concern, YOU ARE DOING FINE. You’re young and figuring out how to live together. You’ll be fine. 

There was probably Discourse about Milan getting “revenge” by hopping into bed with Senne, and I get it but I’m tired, dawg. Let’s just acknowledge this is hinky and leave it at that.

Senne freaks out when he kisses Milan by mistake. Zoë and Robbe laugh. Missed opportunity to show us a more complex reaction from Robbe! Gay shit keeps happening around Robbe and sometimes he has a reaction with serious thought behind it, and something it just happens, no big deal, ha ha. When the main arc for your protagonist of this season has to do with accepting his sexuality, why are you half-assing this stuff?

What is the point of this clip if we’re not getting some insight into Robbe’s POV? It’s cute that we’re getting to know the roommate dynamic, I guess. Upcoming drama with Zoë and Senne? No need for that to be its own clip instead of part of something relevant to Robbe himself. Milan likes getting revenge, as foreshadowing to an absolutely atrocious clip that happens later in the season?

Robbe considers Milan … I think? Frankly they make this seem like buildup to Robbe having a crush on Milan. I guess he’s supposed to be like, whoa, what a bold gay guy! He kisses boys!

I mean … I don’t really know what’s going through Robbe’s head. I don’t want to be spoon fed information, but I also kinda need to know what Robbe is thinking and feeling if this story is to make any impact on me. And I think I just don’t know where Robbe is at with his sexuality. It feels like maybe he’s tiptoeing into the realization that he’s into guys? Isak knew he was gay, he just tried to perform heterosexuality due to social pressure and internalized homophobia. Robbe does not seem like he knows. Which is … kinda off, because I’ve seen S1, I know he’s got some suspicion. It’s just feeling inconsistent.

Clip 8 - Sleeping arrangements

They arrive at the seaside, there’s a room with two single beds pushed together for the couples, like Robbe and Noor. He doesn’t seem too thrilled about that!

Moyo manages to make it an empty room for whoever wants to fuck, inadvertently helping his bro out.

Except Noor shows up and decides to sleep in the same bed as Robbe anyway. 

Are Moyo and Luca going to hook up, is that where their banter is heading? Who are the boys hoping to hook up with, anyway? Because the only single women on this trip appear to be Jana, Amber, and Luca. Aaron is into Amber, and I guess Jens might want to hook up with Jana again??? But who is Moyo considering? I suppose there are other girls in the area who are not specifically with their group.

Clip 9 - Robbe and Noor scene #26232452634

Zoë texts Senne she misses him, and he’s like #metoo, which is … lmao, MEN.

Amber is like, lol men. Please be gay, Amber!!!! 

She shows Zoë a pic of Senne on Insta, he’s having a good time, Amber tries to start some shit … GOD I ALREADY DON’T CARE

I mean, the thing is … I can get into couples’ mundane problems! But not when it’s a het couple having boring het drama in a season that’s supposed to be focused on a gay storyline with a primary gay romance that hasn’t even started yet.

Zoë has a sensible reaction, that just because they’re a couple, they can still have fun and live their own lives, although it’s delivered in a way that I know she is not really okay with it.

Aaron pulls Robbe aside because Noor has passed out in the grass. Noor pulls Robbe down to cuddle with him. He’s kinda ehhh about it, they make out, Noor is ready to bone. Robbe is not into it. She’s about to give him a handjob in the grass (like … within eyesight of their friends) when she pukes, a physical manifestation of Robbe’s feelings about sexy times with Noor. He wipes grass/puke/whatever off her face while she lies there, out of it. (Roll her onto her side, Robbe!)

What a pointless, redundant clip. What is going on?

TWO WHOLE EPISODES IN and we haven’t met Even yet … okay.

HOW I WOULD REWRITE THE EPISODE:

This question is hard because already they need a major overhaul. “Everything” is a copout answer.

So first of all… repetitive as fuck clips. Three clips in two episodes where Noor makes out with Robbe, they almost get sexy, he’s not into it, and then something totally unrelated interrupts the attempt. Even apart from the pointlessness and boredom of watching the same thing happen over and over again … I think you can get away with ONE example of this. ONE example of this scene where random happenstances stop the hetero sex from going down (ha). One example is perfectly fine.

It’s not even just that it’s redundant. It’s also that, so far, it’s random chance stopping Robbe from having sex with a girl. It’s not his own character actions (or his inaction). It’s very passive on his part, which is understandable for someone who is afraid of his true sexuality and is trying to go with the flow. But he cannot hope that his friends walk in, or Jana needs help, or Noor throws up, every fucking time he gets close to having sex with a girl. 

Basically the narrative is contriving to save him. It’s not Robbe making a choice to stop the sex. It’s not even Robbe letting it happen and letting that have some emotional consequences. It’s out of his hands. These clips are both preventing him from making an active choice as a character, while also not letting him deal with the emotional fallout or consequences of sleeping with a girl. And I don’t WANT Robbe to sleep with a girl! But for fuck’s sake, if you keep having this same scene play out, with Robbe not stopping it, and only random interruptions rescuing him … either stop this tedious shit, or let it have an impact on his character already. 

I don’t care about Zoë and Senne’s boring mundane drama taking such precedence in Robbe’s season. If it happens, it should be more relevant and parallel to Robbe’s personal problems! It would make more sense later on when Robbe is struggling with his relationship with Sander.

Here’s an idea to make the retail clip count. We see Robbe getting conflicted about Milan’s gay hookup. Have Robbe go to visit Noor to apologize for getting nervous and running off last night, have him bullshit about wanting to take things slow with her, etc. However, while he’s at the store, he sees, IDK, a hot dude picking out clothes, or a hot dude trying on stuff in the changing room, and he’s into it, you see him get nervous. He checks out the hot male models in the ads. Maybe Noor works with lingerie and we see Robbe looking at all the bras and underwear with this expression of “Am I supposed to be into this?” I think the scene is overall rather redundant and could probably be clipped, but with some tweaks, you can highlight the contrast in Robbe’s attraction to men and his attempts to appear/be into women.

I mentioned this above, but you could also make Jana’s presence in the store matter instead of feeling like something random. She makes small talk with him about him being into Noor, in a way that the audience recall Robbe’s browser history from S1 - we can tell she’s very skeptical of his interest in Noor, and maybe Robbe is trying to appear sincere about being into Noor but it’s not totally convincing. Then when Noor is trying to get hot and heavy with Robbe, Jana intervenes and we can tell it’s because she’s trying to subtly save Robbe.

The Even should be introduced already. Come on. 

I’m not just saying that as an Evak shipper and an Even fan. I am saying that because Even essentially kicks Isak’s arc into motion. He is the catalyst for Isak confronting his sexuality, for reassessing his feelings on mentally ill people, for basically all of his character development. Right now we have two episodes of Robbe treading water, basically. Dating Noor is treading water. It’s fine to show that Robbe is stuck in a rut - we saw that with Isak - but the difference is that something - someone - showed up to get Isak out of that rut pretty early on. It’s not just about wanting the uwu Evak moments, it’s about wanting the narrative to actually start going somewhere, for Robbe’s character to start developing, etc. 

That said, we do need to get to know Even as a character. We need to root for Robbe/Even’s relationship. Delaying that means risking that both the character and the relationship will not feel sufficiently developed.

There’s especially no reason to have this much emphasis on Noor/Robbe, a relationship that is by design meant to be fake, versus Robbe/his Even, a relationship that is meant to be authentic.

Actually, where is the tension? Only from Robbe not wanting to fuck Noor.

There are two plot threads so far that have of any weight for our main character: Robbe’s sexuality, and Robbe’s relationship with his parents. Both of them seem somewhat muddled.

It’s funny because … even many of the smaller things from Skam S3 that caused conflict are absent here?? No Isak vs. Sana and the blackmail over the weed. No kosegruppa causing annoyance to Isak. Conflict is a GOOD THING in storytelling. It provides direction for the narrative, it provides incentive to keep watching. 

So here’s how I would include the Even into this episode, other than simply redoing the OG storyline:

In line with the mystery man from my episode 1 rewrite suggestion, Robbe spends the week wondering about the mystery man. Maybe we see him keeping an eye out for guys he thinks might be The One. Maybe the equivalent of the Talk Show Host scene is Robbe seeing a dude who he thinks is the Even, but it turns out to be a false alarm, and we see his hope and interest followed by his disappointment. We feel this, too! Because we’re wondering when the hell we will see the mystery guy again. Robbe asks Noor oh so casually if she knows any of the tagging people and where to find them. Robbe happens to go to the spot where he thinks the Even might be (like maybe he’s “casually” hanging there or snooping around when he gets the text from his mom, and decides to leave to visit with her). Robbe tries to dig around social media for clues but is frustrated with his lack of information since he’s going on basically nothing. Red herrings galore. Essentially, play with how the original episode 2 showed Isak developing a crush on Even. The point is that Robbe is intrigued and desperately wants to find this guy. I mean, maybe even add a concrete element to this search! Maybe the dude dropped something of his when he and Robbe met (a piece of jewelry, a glove, IDK. Something unique, something that gives us an insight into the Even’s character) and Robbe’s “search” for the dude is on the surface so he can return this item, but obviously it’s not just about that, and we see Robbe treasuring this item and keeping it close or w/e.

Meanwhile, Robbe’s interest in men overall is becoming more evident, in how he reacts to Milan and his hookup, or maybe checking out dudes at Noor’s store. When he shows up at her workplace, it’s so he can casually ask about people she knows from the tagging scene, and oh, does she recognize this glove? This gives him a motive to meet up with her besides just wanting to make out, and he’s uncomfortable when the meeting takes that turn.

And then … he’s SUPPOSED to go to the seaside on Friday, but instead Robbe just happens to run into the mystery man! His Even! Butterflies! He returns the item to Even and the Even is happy he got it back (and maybe far down the line we’ll learn that the Even left it behind on purpose, kinda like how Even was interested in Isak all along. Those Evens, so crafty.) And Robbe lies about being sick or something and skips on the trip, and hangs out with Even, and we get a scene similar to the OG where they bond and get to know each other, but obviously not word for word, centered around their own personalities. He’s having a great time, but then it turns out that the Even has a girlfriend, obviously. Everyone else is pissed that Robbe ditched them. You know how it goes. It doesn’t have to be an exact mirror of this S2 clip, but I do strongly think we need to advance this part of the storyline by this point.

Jumping forward in time: I know that Robbe meets his Even at the seaside, so you could also just, you know. Bounce that up a bit. Work in all the other ~mystery stuff and maybe Robbe is feeling disheartened and accepting that he’s just not gonna see that guy again, he goes to the seaside as planned. But holy shit, he arrives and That Guy is there! Just when he thought all hope was lost!

Imagine if the Even had left behind, like, a scarf, and Robbe started to wear it, and he was wearing it at the seaside when they meet again. Juicy stuff.

Add more reactions from Robbe toward Milan and his date. Sometimes he’s chill about gay stuff and sometimes he’s a little more hesitant. It feels very inconsistent. There are big opportunities to show Robbe’s issues with his sexuality but the show is sliding right by them.

This is more thinking ahead, but the boys’ YouTube channel should ideally play some part in Robbe’s coming out journey. (And no, I don’t count that shitty Milan prank clip as a payoff for the boys’ YouTube channel, fuck that.) I’m not sure, what, exactly - I don’t think Robbe is the type of guy to post a coming out video and it doesn’t seem like it’d be a fit for their channel. Maybe just use the channel as a way to indicate Robbe’s comfort with being publicly in a relationship with a boy. Like at an earlier part of the season, the squad is going to do some prank and Sander is like, haha, sounds fun, can I join? And Robbe tries to keep Sander away, by making an excuse or telling the boys that he doesn’t want Sander involved, because it’s implied that he’s scared of people realizing that he and Sander have a Thing. Then later on, after Robbe comes out to everyone and is openly in a relationship with Sander, there’s a video about something else but he and Sander are casually cuddling in the background or whatever.

My big problems are the lack of focus and the bad pacing. Skam S3 has a clear mission statement, a goal. There’s an endgame in mind and each clip takes a step toward that endgame. Julie Andem knew Isak’s character arc and each clip advances a part of his journey. wtFOCK so far doesn’t seem to know what to do with Robbe. Or rather, they have like two ideas - Robbe doesn’t want to fuck Noor and Robbe is sad about his mom - but no clue about how to use those ideas to advance the story, and they seem to be dawdling instead of making the most out of a finite amount of screen time.

[bebychangbean]

Strangers Ch.3

Demon! Han Jisung x Reader (Finally)

I wanna apologize to @justingnoreme for this chapter. You’ve been leaving adorable messages this whole time and ily but this chapter is r o u g h. This is the final chapter tho y’all,,, thank you for reading. 

Warnings: GORE (this chapter is a bloodbath), depression, panic attack, character death. Please do not read if you are sensitive to any of those topics

Prev

Word Count: 2.6k

You knocked softly on the door of your parents’ room, knowing Jisung was the only one inside.

He opened the door, his eyes clearly red from crying. You pulled him into your chest for a hug, the boy reciprocating it and wrapping you tightly in his arms.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he whispered into your hair.

You knew what he was referring to. This morning he hadn’t been able to stop his father’s voice from coming out of his mouth, even while he was wide awake. You had been watching TV with Jisung and Minho when it happened. You were both startled, darting up from the couch and looking at Jisung.

The voice was still in a language you didn’t understand, but judging by Jisung’s reaction, whatever he said wasn’t a compliment. Jisung had closed his mouth quickly, cutting off whatever it was his father was saying. You knew he had seen the scared look in your eyes and he glanced across the room at Minho to find the same expression on his face. He had left the room in embarrassment–something he had been doing often these days.

You stood holding him for a few more seconds before moving into the room, sitting with him on the bed to talk.

“It’s okay, Jisung,” you reassured, “I wasn’t scared, just a bit shocked is all. I’ve never heard that happen before.” You decided to hide the extent of your fear from him.

“You don’t have to lie to me. I saw it in your eyes,” Jisung said bitterly. “I’ve seen that look my whole life.”

You reached out to hold his hand, knowing that it comforted him. “I know you won’t hurt me, Jisung. I’m sure of it.” This wasn’t a lie. You had become quite close with Jisung throughout the four weeks you’d been living together and you didn’t once regret your decision to let the boys stay. You trusted them by now and they had expressed that they all felt the same.

Jisung’s outburst had reminded you of what was inside of him, but that didn’t define who he was as a person. You knew he’d get rid of his father’s presence in a heartbeat if he could.

You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t been crushing on him a little bit in the past week or so. He was just always so cute and nervous. He seemed to always still the air and make the conversation awkward, but the blush on his cheeks after was always so cute that you didn’t even mind.

Of course you didn’t intend on telling him that… It just sort of slipped out.

“You’re really cute, you know that?” you said to him, breaking the silence in the room. You turned and buried your head in his shoulder, squeezing your eyes shut in embarrassment.

He laughed softly and stroked his thumb across the back of your hand.

“Thanks,” he said. “You’re cute too.”

~

Your first kiss with Jisung came two days after that. Unfortunately it was in the bathroom on the first floor, but it was romantic nonetheless.

Jisung was having an absolute fit about his condition. He had scared Chan earlier while he was asleep, standing over him. He wasn’t doing anything particularly threatening, but the dead look in his eyes was frightening to Chan who woke with a start.

Jisung really hadn’t meant to watch him sleep, he just got distracted and zoned out and his dad took over his conscience.

Chan had scolded Jisung, though he knew it wasn’t his fault.

Jisung had to be more and more vigilant these days, his dad’s thoughts becoming louder and harder to resist.

You found Jisung hugging his knees to his chest on the floor in the bathroom. He looked up at you through his wet lashes as you entered the bathroom and shut the door softly behind you.

You said nothing as you sat next to him, your back pressed against the cold wall. He took your hand in his and continued crying for a minute. You knew he needed time to let it out, rubbing your thumb over his knuckles the way he had done to you a few days ago.

“Do you think–” he choked out through tears, “that I’m a bad person?”

He looked up at you with his beautiful brown eyes, teary and red, but just as mesmerizing as ever. Your heart broke into a million pieces.

“Of course not, Jisung. You’re a sweet person who was dealt the worst cards in life. None of this is your fault,” you promised. You felt bad that he thought you might be holding his condition against him.

Jisung didn’t say anything as he raised a hand, snaking it around the back of your neck and threading into your hair. He pulled you toward him slowly, giving you the opportunity to pull away if you wanted to, but you knew you wanted this as much as he did.

The kiss was salty with tears, but passionate as it conveyed all the emotions he had been holding in for the past four weeks. It felt conflicted yet sure, scared yet brave and certainly full of feeling. His lips moved against yours, tugging at your bottom lip with his teeth as you pulled away. The tears in his eyes had multiplied, spilling down his cheeks endlessly.

You pulled his small form into your chest and held him tightly as you thought about what had just happened. You didn’t want this kiss to change things between the two of you as you knew he wasn’t in the right mental state for a relationship, but you couldn’t deny that you liked kissing him. You get used to it.

You sat with him for a few more minutes until he had calmed down enough to go back to the living room. You entered holding hands and that was how it stayed for the rest of your Sunday.

You weren’t sure if the others even noticed the difference in behavior between the two of you, but you weren’t hiding your blossoming relationship.

For the next week, you would come home from work and watch movies on the couch with him or just lay together and talk. He told you about his past and his life in Malaysia. You told him about your stories growing up in the house.

The only tricky thing was when he would fall asleep. A few times you would hear soft whispers coming from him while you both watched a film, noticing the blanket start to rise as he floated up off the couch.

You made sure to pull him down and hold him extra tight.

~

You woke at 3:00 am to yelling in Hyunjin’s room downstairs.

You had never gotten up that fast. You had never gotten down the stairs that fast. You had never felt your heart leap into your throat the way it did when you walked into the room that night.

It had hit six weeks since the boys had moved into your house and Jisung’s mental state had hit an all time low. He seemed like he had been getting better as the two of you got closer, but the boy seemed to be taking a turn for the worst recently. He had been so close to snapping for the past four days that even you were a bit afraid of him. The only one who wasn’t was Minho. He still trusted the boy and had heard his discussions with his father.

Jisung had spent the past few nights arguing with his dad, promising not to hurt any of the boys and swearing up and down that he would never kill again.

It seems he lied.

Your eyes first landed on Chan as he screamed at Jisung, holding the smaller boy at arms length. Jisung’s eyes were hollow and unfocused, his mouth partly open, his arms limp at his side. There was a silver kitchen knife on the floor next to him, covered to the hilt with blood. There was no emotion on his face. No regret. No remorse for his actions.

Chan turned back to look at you when you entered. There were tears streaming down his face, his hands not releasing their grip on Jisung’s upper arms.

You kept eye contact with him as tears started flowing out of your eyes. You didn’t want to look at Hyunjin’s bed. You couldn’t bear to see what Jisung had done to him, but your eyes were pulled to it like gravity.

You shouldn’t have looked.

Your breath caught in your throat as you saw all the blood, soaking through the sheets and the blanket, turning the soft white fabric to a dripping red. You had never seen that much blood before. In such quantities, it almost looked black.

There was a jagged line across Hyunjin’s throat, his usually angelic face splattered with blood. His mouth was hanging open gruesomely, his eyes blankly staring at the ceiling above him. His face was impossibly pale, all the blood that was once in him dripping off the sheets and onto the floor.

You wanted to throw up. You knew that image would be planted in your mind until the day you died. You looked back at Chan, who was watching you the whole time. He was crying more, his eyes red, blood dripping from his bottom lip where he had been biting it.

A hand landed harshly on your shoulder, shoving you out of the doorway violently. Minho. He didn’t even look at Hyunjin’s body as he rushed toward Jisung, throwing Chan’s hands off the youngest boy’s shoulders.

He wasted no time, sending his fist flying into Jisung’s jaw, sending the small boy flying into the sliding glass door of the closet. It shattered on impact, Jisung sliding down the cracked glass, fragments cutting through his thin T-shirt and embedding themselves in his skin.

He sat on his heels in the glass, the blank look on his face no different from that of the dead boy in the bed. Minho’s knee made contact with Jisung’s chin, sending his head flying back into the broken mirror. There was a horrifying crunch, though you weren’t sure if it came from the mirror or Jisung’s skull.

Chan lunged forward, grabbing Minho to stop him from killing the young boy. He tried to hold his arms down, to restrict his movement in any way, but Minho was a mess of rage and adrenaline.

He shoved Chan to the floor, the older boy landing harshly on his hands, cutting them on the shards of broken mirror.

You looked on in shock as the three remaining boys fought in front of you. Your head was hurting so unbelievably bad, the smell of blood in the air overwhelming as it filled your lungs.

“You said you wouldn’t hurt us!” Minho shouted at Jisung. “You fucking promised!”

Jisung was starting to wake from his trance, the bleary look clearing from his eyes. His hand went to the back of his head and came away bloody. He looked at the bed, the mess of his best friend making his head spin. He couldn’t have done that. That wasn’t him. Right?

Finally, his eyes met Minho’s. He was standing over him, a wild look in his eyes.

“I-I didn’t mean to,” Jisung stuttered. “You know I wouldn’t have done that. He was my brother,” he sobbed.

“He was my brother too,” Minho growled back, landing a harsh kick against Jisung’s chest. His vision was blurry, red seeping into the corners of his eyes.

You watched in horror as Jisung snapped. He picked up a piece of glass from the floor next to him, not caring as it sliced deep into his fingers. He stood up quickly, Minho moving fast to grab onto his wrists. Jisung plunged the glass into Minho’s open palm, snapping it off inside of him as the older boy tried to pull away. Blood splattered everywhere, painting the mirror and the floor a deep red. The moonlight from the window cast a silvery haze over the scene.

Chan shook himself out of the state he was in, scrambling to his feet and running toward you. He grabbed you by the arm and ran out the door, dragging you with him. The last thing you saw was Minho charging Jisung, slamming them both into the mirror, tiny splinters of glass flying off and coating them both in a fine layer of silver dust. It would almost be pretty if not for all the blood.

Chan pulled the bedroom door shut behind you and ran out of the house.

You both collapsed onto the grass outside. Sobs wracked your body as you tried to rid the scene from your mind. Chan was crying just as hard, the two of you thoroughly broken. The fresh air cleansed your lungs from the smell of blood that had filled the house, but you could still feel the suffocating weight of what had just happened making it harder to breathe.

You sat for a few more minutes, trying to steady your breathing and shake the foggy feeling from your head. Chan was too far gone though, the boy was going into a full panic attack, laying on his back in the grass, his chest heaving alarmingly.

The crashing and yelling inside the house went on for another minute or so, Minho’s loud screams ringing out from the house. It was cut off abruptly.

The house was silent after that. You kept your eyes trained on the door, waiting for somebody to emerge, but nobody did. The house was eerily quiet, as if the bloodbath inside hadn’t happened.

You wanted to call the police, but your phone was in your room and there was no way in hell you were going back in that house. You turned to Chan who was still panicking and grabbing at his chest as he coughed violently.

You stood, your mind hazy. It was an hour walk to the police station and you knew Chan would be arrested on site and you would meet the same fate probably shortly after. You had to escape. You’d be in prison for sure after all this and you weren’t even sure if Jisung and Minho were still alive. They would definitely be locked up if either of them were found alive.

You didn’t care anymore though.

You bent down to grab Chan’s hand, looking him in the eyes as you pulled him gently to his feet. He nearly collapsed as soon as you let go, his legs still weak and his head still cloudy.

You threaded your arm around him, holding him up as you shuffled around to the back of your house.

“Where are we going?” Chan asked. His voice was empty and far away.

“To the mountains Channie,” you said, trying to seem strong. “We have to get out of here before the cops come. Besides, maybe Minho or Jisung is still alive. I don’t want to be here to find out.”

Chan nodded, probably not having understood a word you said as he moved his feet slowly, lifting a bit of his weight off you. The two of you made your way through the vast fields toward the range of hills in the distance.

You looked back at the house, silently saying goodbye to your childhood home and apologizing to your parents for ever letting strangers in.

[alj4890]

Pet Names~Fluffy Friday

(Thomas Hunt x Amanda *oc*) (Maxwell Beaumont x Nadia Park)

For @krsnlove , because you wanted a double date between these couples a while back. And guess what? It's in the city we can't escape from 😂

A/N Taken from my And Then I Met You storyline. Borrowing characters from Choices: The Royal Romance, Perfect Match, and Red Carpet Diaries.

@walkerinfolkvangr @alleksa16 @penguininapinktuxedo @blackcoffee85 @stopforamoment @fullbeaumonty @cocomaxley @darley1101 @hopefulmoonobject   @krsnlove   @annekebbphotography @gibbles82   @bella-ca  

"When I mentioned spending a week in New York, I meant on our own." Thomas said when they walked into the suite. Amanda had already dropped her bag and was at the window, looking out over Central Park covered in snow.

"Then you have learned your lesson. Never mention a trip in front of the Beaumont's." She smiled as he grumbled while taking the bags to the bedroom. "You should look on the bright side."

"Is there one?" He asked returning to the living room.

"They plan on spending the majority of their time with Damien and Nadia's cousin. Which means alone time for us. Lots of alone time." She closed her eyes when he came up behind her, wrapping her in an embrace.

"That is exactly what I wanted to hear." He said in between kisses along her neck. His hands pulled her closer against him causing her to recall the bad news.

"They want us to meet them." She felt him pause in his caress.

"When? Where?"

"Rockefeller Center." She walked quickly to the bedroom as she muttered. "Now."

"Now! We only arrived a few minutes ago." Thomas stalked after her. Amanda had two of their suitcases on the bed, the very piece of furniture that he had planned to use differently mere seconds ago. He watched her pull out a change of clothes for herself, involving too many layers for his plan. She then picked through his clothes until she found his scarf, a thick sweater, and gloves.

He frowned at the items handed to him. "We don't need all of this if we are meeting them and going to dinner." He realized she had yet to say what they were doing. "Amanda." He nearly growled. "What did you agree to do tonight?"

She poked her head out of the bathroom and tried to smile. "Did I ever tell you how handsome you are in that dark green sweater? With the burgundy scarf, you..." He crossed his arms and cocked his eyebrow as her voice trailed off.

She stepped out wearing bright blue sweater with her leggings and sat down on the bed to put some boots on. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and it hit him what they were doing.

"No. This is not how I am spending my first night after being apart from my wife for nearly a month." He walked out of the room and sat down on the sofa. He heard her sigh as she followed him out. "It's only for a little while." She sat on the arm of the sofa and tipped his face up for a kiss. He pulled her into his lap and deepened the kiss. She drew back a couple of inches and tried again. "If you go and try to have fun, then I promise to keep you warm." Her smile was flirty and, as hard as he tried, he couldn't help but chuckle.

"Fine." He sighed and in a blink, he had her on the sofa with his body covering hers. "This is how I expect you to keep me warm." His deep voice followed by his weak in the knees kiss caused a shiver to run down her back. He reluctantly pushed up and put the sweater on with his coat. He helped her with her jacket and took her hand as they left.

"Do you not like ice skating?" She asked.

"It's fine." He shrugged his shoulders. "I haven't been skating in years. We shall see how well muscle memory works."

She couldn't help but notice that he seemed even less excited than usual going on a double date. "Thomas, I know you. You usually aren't thrilled when we are asked to go on double dates, but not to this extent. What's wrong?"

They stepped outside the hotel and began to walk toward their destination. He wrapped his arm around her and finally explained. "Each time we are out with Maxwell and Nadia, they become quite, how do I say this?" He didn't want to be insulting, but really it was--

"Nauseating?" She offered.

His dark brown eyes shot down to her in surprise. She really was perfect for him. She smiled and pulled him closer when he snuck a tender kiss.

"It's those pet names they give each other." He shook his head in disgust. "The later it becomes, the more names emerge from their mouths."

Amanda laughed. "Believe me, I know. I've heard it pretty much since day one." They walked another block in companionable silence. As her mind wandered, an idea came over her. "Thomas!"

"Hmm?"

"What if we showed them what it's like?" Her mischevious smile caused his own to flirt about his lips.

"Let's."

______________________

"How's that feel, little blossom?" Maxwell finished tying the laces of her skates and watched her shake her feet.

"Perfect as always, my precious cinnamon roll." She kissed him and looked about for Amanda and Thomas. "Oh there they are!" She waved her arms to get their attention.

"Do you think we can actually say these names without either laughing or physically gagging?" Amanda whispered as she waved to the couple.

"It will be worth each embarassing second if it cures them of saying these around people. We are aiding society in never having to hear Maxwell referred to as her "wittle bitty hippo with abs that don't stop" and she as his "dreamy sugar cookie covered in hot loving sprinkles".

Amanda cringed hearing those particular names. "I forget about those."

"If only I could." Thomas muttered

They rented their skates and sat by Nadia and Maxwell. Thomas knelt in front of Amanda and gave her a wink as he pulled her boot off. She smiled at him. "You are so sweet to help me, snicker doodle."

Nadia blinked and looked up at Maxwell. He seemed just as surprised.

"Anything for my sweet little slice of baby cakes." He managed to keep a small smile on his face as he uttered those ridiculous words. He noticed that the names were already causing a reaction. Maxwell appeared to be slightly ill listening to them.

Soon, they were ready to hit the ice. The four started out together, each doing rather well at remaining upright.

"Looks like your muscles remembered, Mr. Cutie Patootie." Amanda was somehow able to have a syrupy sweet look of adoration on her face as she gazed at Thomas.

He smiled down at her. "It probably helped receiving a kiss from you, sugar lips."

Maxwell coughed in embarrassment. "Er, uh Nadia and I are going to try racing. Right babe?"

She nodded so hard her knit hat nearly flew off. They hurried off toward another area of the rink. Thomas let the laugh out he had been struggling with. "Cutie patootie?"

Amanda was nearly crying with her own laughter. "Don't even go there Mr. Hunt. When you referred to me as a slice of baby cakes, I nearly threw in the towel."

He led her over to the railing and smoothed some strands of hair back that had escaped her ponytail. The back of his fingers caressed her cheek when he realized something. "We never use pet names of any sort."

She thought about it and shrugged. "I suppose we don't." Her hazel eyes looked up into his. "Why? Does my bunny boo need a name?"

He snorted. "No. Please stop." He cupped her face and struggled to kiss her while chuckling as she mumbled. "How about honeybuns?"

When they both calmed down, he took her hand again and pulled her along. "It doesn't bother you?"

She shook her head. "I have daily evidence that you love me without the use of an embarrassing endearment. Does it bother you?"

"No. I feel the same." His brow furrowed. "I'm not even sure what I would call you. I certainly would not pick a silly name."

"I'm rather fond of how you say my name. The tone and way you enunciate it changes with the paticular emotion you are feeling." She noticed his soft smile form with her words.

He squeezed her hand. "I love hearing my name from your lips. Something about it ruffles my senses, especially in your breathless whisper."

Her cheeks turned a brighter red with his words. He nudged her and redirected her attention on the couple they were in the midst of torturing.

Amanda took her phone out. "I found some others we can use when they return." They both looked at the list and divided them up between them.

"What do you think is up with them?" Nadia asked as they observed Thomas and Amanda's odd behavior.

"Maybe they haven't had a lot of alone time lately. With Thomas doing reshoots in Hawaii and Amanda globetrotting with meetings and checks on her estates, I think time got away from them. I know how much they miss each other when their schedules conflict with one another." Maxwell shuddered as he thought of hearing more of their weird pet names for each other. He loved seeing them so happy together. But seriously...they need to get a room if they were going to continue saying those names.

"I guess we should be grateful they don't act this way every time they are with us." Nadia wrapped her arms around Maxwell, smiling up at him when he tightened his grip around her. She kissed him sweetly. "Let's get this double date over with as fast as we can, snuggle bug ."

Maxwell grinned. "As you wish, angel pie."

"Here they come." Thomas whispered. "Ready to lay it on thick?"

Amanda winked at him. "Always, Dr. Sweet Cheeks."

He sputtered and shook his head as she patted his back. His eyes teared up as he suppressed his laugh. He should have known she would take this task and run with it.

"Here is what I was thinking we could do before calling it a night." Nadia was nearly bouncing on the ice. "How about a carriage ride in Central Park and then going to Serendipty 3 for something to eat?"

"Can we eat first, blossom? I am dying for something sweet." Maxwell pleaded. His lips pouted, causing Nadia to wrap him in her arms. "Of course, pudding pop!" They turned to the other couple to see what they thought.

"Works for us." Thomas replied. "Doesn't it, gorgeous" He went blank for a moment trying to remember one of the ridiculous names. "Vixen?"

Amanda nodded. "I'm starving. Let's get these skates off." They all sat on a bench and began unlacing. Thomas offered to help Amanda. "I've got it," She smirked and quickly kissed him. "Thank you, Lord Kissing-ton."

Maxwell and Nadia groaned simultaneously. Their eyes widened and they covered their mouths as they stared at one another.

"Something wrong?" Amanda asked innocently.

"Yeah, um my stomach is really not feeling too good." Maxwell clutched it and hoped Nadia would play along. She hopped up and immediately took action. "Oh no! Again? Let's get you back to Kai's apartment so you can lay down. I'm sorry we have to cut our date short."

"No problem. Take care and hope you feel better soon." Thomas waved them off and Amanda promised to call and check on him tomorrow. As they watched Nadia and Maxwell sprint away from them, they collapsed back on the bench.

"I can't believe we pulled that off." Amanda said as she looked at the website one more time. "And I never got to use Sexy Dumpling of Love. Wasted opportunity."

Thomas took her phone away from her and zipped it in his coat pocket. With his arm wrapped snuggly around her, he took her on a carriage ride for a little moonlight on the snow romance. They went on to Serendipity and pretended not to see Nadia and Maxwell ducking behind menus in the back of the restaurant.

After filling up on spicy wings and nachos, they shared the famous frozen hot chocolate while simply enjoying being together. Their fingers found each other's and tangled as they talked about what they had been doing while apart. When the waitress came by to see if they needed anything else, they paid and left quickly so that their friends could finish eating while sitting upright.

"Oh thank goodness they didn't see us! I don't want them to think we no longer like hanging out." Nadia whispered. "I think we need to think twice about going on dates with them again."

"Agreed. We need to really think about it if they have been apart for a few weeks. I'm grateful they didn't see us." Maxwell shuddered as he motioned to the waitress for the check. "I don't think I could take another round of their pet names. What if they had become more graphic?" The waitress walked up and smiled.

"It was taken care of already." She explained.

"Taken care of? By who?"

She handed him the receipt. There was a message written on the back.

Thanks for spending our first night in NYC with us. Hope you have a wonderful trip. Tell Damien and Kai we said hello.

Much love to you both,

Captain Spanky and Sex Kitten

XOXO

[sinesalvatorem]

I seem to have remarkably weak sexual boundaries.

I think this is probably related to the fact that, growing up, I got both sexually and physically assaulted a bunch of times, and in all honesty I minded the sexual assault less. Just, like, if people are going to treat my body as boundary-less, I was on the side of them not trying to max out immediate pain response, y’know?

Which I think has carried over to any situation in which I might upset or disappoint someone, since then I’m strongly inclined to take what feels like the path of least resistance and just do whatever sex thing they want and hope they lose interest soon. Occasionally this is incredibly unpleasant in the moment, but usually it’s just mildly dissociative, which is fine, because having to actually enforce my boundaries at that point would be much more difficult.

But the problem I’m only starting to notice is that, each time I go along with something that leaves me feeling violated, I end up with a more negative opinion of / lower interest in sex in general. Sex feels unsafe, and its mental association becomes more strongly linked to feelings of violation than feelings of pleasure. And I can tell that that seems to be the main factor in my willingness to have sex, given that occasionally I’ll feel actually, completely safe with someone, and then my sex drive (for them and them alone) tends to spike, at least for a while.

So, to the extent that I have the in-the-moment feeling that trying to enforce sexual boundaries would be more difficult than just going along with what the other person wants, I’m actually acting in a pretty high time preference way. I’m avoiding conflict now at the expense of having a healthy sex life in the future. But, when I’m scared, it’s hard to make low time preference choices.

It’s also often hard to talk about this problem with a sexual partner, because (understandably, I know) they tend to end up feeling terrible and like they’re rapist-adjacent or something. But, like, they’re often using perfectly reasonable-for-most-people communication norms in sex and I’m just weirdly bad at saying no. I’m trying to communicate that something doesn’t work for me in particular, and what they hear is that they hurt me in one of the most terrible ways ever, which is (almost always) not true and not what I was hoping for them to take from it.

So I want to say “hey, I didn’t feel able to say no when you wanted to do X because of [some explanation]” and be able to figure out how to not end up in that situation again, but feel like if I do that I’ll hurt them and sour their memories of something that I worked hard to make sure was good for them, so I usually just chicken out instead. Try to avoid cuddling after; walk around to clear my head; maybe find a private spot to cry for a few minutes - and then go back to being the manic pixie dream girl we all know and love.

Anyway, the end result of all this is that I tend not to sleep with people I’m not dating, unless I’m unusually confident that it won’t go off the rails and leave me crying in the bathroom. I flirt with lots of people, and I kiss a significant subset, but my pants stay on. Meanwhile, I do sleep with people when I’m dating them - sometimes because I’m confident that things won’t go off the rails, but sometimes because I feel obligated to as part of the Thing I’m providing by being their partner. (Obviously, these aren’t true at the same time with the same people.)

I should also note that I have at times had sex with people who were like me in terms of propensity to go along with sex they don’t want, and I seriously regret it. I think people who’ve had sex with me that I later told them I didn’t feel able to get out of have also regretted those instances. I think that the main lesson I’ve picked up from both sides is “Don’t have sex with someone like this unless you have Very Clearly Discussed their issues with saying no and they have expressed confidence that they will be able to should the need arise”.

Which is to say, to all the hot people out there, I’m probably not going to fuck you. But we can still make out, and we can discuss the possibility of sex with the above in mind.

NB: This is unrelated to the thing where I tend to be non-verbal during sex. Me being non-verbal is in general a good sign, because it’s what happens when I’m really enjoying myself. If something is wrong then I am completely verbal and would honestly rather talk than fuck. Also, if something goes wrong during sex, I immediately snap back to verbality and can say to hold up. The times there’s an actual problem are when my partner wants to initiate / switch to a new sex act and I don’t feel comfortable doing it, but mostly express this with strong reluctance rather than a clear refusal or even a clear statement of disinclination.

[mjtheterrible]

Back in the day Charlie Sheen had a catch phrase he used to say a lot when things were going his way. He would say "Winning!"

This past week was incredible! 

A side project business partnership a handful of my highly skilled white hat hacker friends and I started years ago signed a huge deal with Homeland Security this week, and other than the fact that we have to change the name of the company, because apparently having the word death in your company's name can be a drawback in certain situations, this deal was/is a game changer! 

After the deal was signed, my wife did what she does, and organized our world so that when we need to be in Virginia to fulfill this new massive contract, we will have a place to live.

Malia said she felt like a drug dealer sneaking around trying to buy a house, when everyone is supposed to stay inside due to the Corona Virus.

My wife, when she wants me to do something, she knows I won't want to do has a special way of convincing me to do it anyway. 

The house she wanted to buy was owned by someone that at one point in my life, made a decision that was so extremely destructive to my life, I still remember it like it was yesterday. 

When this person told me they had made the decision to reverse the previous Secretary's decision, I made the decision to rearrange his office right then and there, in a not so peaceful way, which led to being escorted out of his office by security personnel.

I am not a violent person. Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am a peaceful fun-loving guy. 

That said, in this particular secretaries office, let's just call it for this example, the Secretary of Defense's Office, his decision was so destructive to my life, that I made the decision on the spot to show him how I felt by reorganizing his office. I ripped pictures and awards off his walls, pushed everything on his desk onto the floor, etc.

It is one of those extremely rare times in my life where I lost it. Looking back at the situation, I don't think the more mature me now would have done that, but I still think he deserves it for what he did. 

And, he did it in such a condescending, I am better than you, I don't care about you or your life, you are nothing manner, that I think he deserved what I did, even though I shouldn't have done it.

I have heard that the nickname I used at the time to describe him ("Ashhole"), people still use to this day.

Malia knew I would never agree to buy Ashhole’s house, if I knew it was his house. 

To convince me to agree to buy the house before dropping the bomb on me that it was his, she showed me the house, talked about how it was everything that we wanted, etc. She even had a quickie with me in the bathroom, which is one of our things in this kind of situation. 

At this point, I agreed we should buy the house. Malia told me that before we officially signed the papers, she wanted to have dinner with the current owner of the home. 

When we pulled up in the driveway for dinner, Malia said- "Baby, please don't get angry when you see who the current owner of the house is. We are having tonight’s dinner for you. Please baby."

When we walked through the front door, there he was. Ashhole himself was standing right there. I could feel my heart racing immediately! Malia was standing next to me. She moved to where she was standing in front of me. She pulled my head down and whispered in my ear- "You wanted revenge on Ashhole for a long time. Now you have the chance to buy his ass! He brought you the baseball bat from his office. The one he heard you wished you would have grabbed first when you were destroying his office, because you could have used it to bust up his office more. He wants you to have it as a peace offering. I love you. I want this house, but I couldn't buy it unless you knew it was Ashhole's and you were okay with it." 

I whispered in her ear- "You called him Ashhole. You only ever called him by his real name before."

Then she whispered in my ear- "You are my other half. If he is Ashhole to you, he is Ashhole to me." 

I said out loud to Ashhole- "I had sex in your bathroom today." 

Malia pulled my head down and whispered in my ear- "That's the spirit baby, but don't take it too far because I want this house." 

Ashhole didn't say anything. He took a deep breath and asked me if I would join him in the sunroom. I said ok, and we walked back to the sunroom. 

Ashhole told me he brought me a gift. He told me he wanted to give me the autographed baseball bat that was in his office on the day I "acted like a maniac" in his office.

He told me we could go outside, and I could break it if I wanted to. I thought about it for minute. I opened the case and gripped the bat in my hand. Ashhole said- "That day, I wanted to tell you face to face. I thought you deserved that. In retrospect, I know I made the right decision. My decision hurt you. It helped a great number of people. I would make that same decision again today." 

I asked him why he didn't press charges against me for destroying his office. 

He said- "I knew the decision I made would negatively impact your life for years. Knowing that, I gave you a pass for destroying my office." 

I asked him if he would apologize to me for what his decision did to my life. 

He said- "Please read the letter." He pointed to an envelope next to the bat. 

I opened the letter and read it. It was 6 pages long. On page 4 I started tearing up. For a long time, I tried to figure out why Ashhole made the decision he did that day, but I was not able to. 

Ashhole's letter gave a detailed description of why he made the decision. Ashhole asked me not to let anyone else read the letter and he asked me not to tell anyone what the letter said. I agreed. 

I asked him why he didn't tell me about this on that day, because I wouldn't have tried to destroy his office.

He said- "You didn't have the clearance."

I asked him why he didn't try to run out of his office that day or try to hide behind something. 

He said- "I knew you wouldn't hurt me. I knew you were just angry. You wanted to let out your anger and frustration." 

I asked him if he would have done the same thing if he were me.

He said- "No, I would have gone straight for me and not stopped until security pulled me off." 

I said- "Are you saying I actually showed restraint?" 

He said- "Yes."

I asked him if I could put the letter in the time capsule, I am saving for my kids to have when they are older, and he said that would be fine. 

I asked him if he had any reservations about selling his house to me.

He said- "No." 

I asked him if he had anything else, he wanted to tell me or if he had anything else to say to me. 

He said- "Will you please stop calling me Ashhole? People still ask me if the rumor is true that "MJ The Terrible" went berserk in my office and called me Ashhole."

I smiled and so did he. It was a nice moment. It made me feel good to have closure about one of the darkest moments of my life. 

I asked him if he wanted to have dinner, and he said he would really like that. 

I walked over to open the door to the sunroom, and I see 5 armed guards standing outside the door. I looked back at Ashhole and he said- "I wasn't sure if you would let bygones be bygones." 

He told them they could all leave. I said- "You said you weren't afraid that I would hurt you that day in your office." 

He said- "I did say that. That is how I felt. I'm not sure why I felt the need to have security. I wanted to make sure peace was of the essence this evening."

I said- "I change my mind." I started to turn to walk towards the baseball bat. I was going to take it outside and break it, but then I saw Malia in the doorway behind where the security guards were standing with her hands on her pregnant belly. 

I walked slowly towards Malia. When I got to her, I put my arms around her and kissed her. Then I turned around facing the security guys and Ashhole. I said- "My name is Michael Johnson, and this is my wife Malia. If you want me to stop calling you Ashhole and let bygones be bygones, you need to stop thinking of me as "MJ The Terrible", and you need to let bygones be bygones as well."

Malia said- "You 2 are not ruining this. This is going to be our house! Security guys, leave! You 2, go to the dining room for dinner. Both of you are going to make peace tonight whether you like it or not." 

Then, the person who I will no longer be calling Ashhole, said- "Yes ma'am." I looked at Malia with almost disbelief. She said- "Go!" I walked towards the dinner room. 

That was the extent of the conflict. The rest of the evening was peaceful. We stayed a few hours and just talked after dinner. 

When we got back in the car to leave, Malia said- "If you don't want to buy the house I understand, but will you please at least think about it overnight before you tell me your decision?"

I told her that I had already made my decision. She looked down in disappointment. I said- "I love you. I signed the paperwork to buy the house before we came here today. You left the paperwork on the bed next to the mobile cribs. I saw who the owner was. I signed it because I love you. I want what you want, and if you want to buy this house, I want to buy this house."

I could see happy tears as she closed her eyes and smiled. I asked her if she thought I would sign the paperwork. She said- "I saw that you had signed the paperwork, and I knew you saw who the seller was."

I looked at her kind of surprised and said- "Why didn't you tell me that you knew?"

She said- "I wanted to make sure you were okay with it after seeing him." 

Then she said- "I know you love me and want to make me happy. I love you the same way, so I wanted to make sure you were okay with buying Ashhole's house." 

I kissed her and said- "Our house!" Malia fell asleep on me on the ride home. I carried her upstairs and put her in our bed. 

I sat there for a minute and looked at her. I thought about how lucky I felt to be married to her.

I kissed her forehead and went into our bathroom. 

Sometimes it takes the people we love forcing us to do something, to realize it is the right thing to do.

To the man who is no longer Ashhole, thank you for providing me with closure. Your baseball bat will sit in my office as a reminder that people can change. That not everything is always as it seems, and that peace can and should be made whenever possible. 

To Malia May Johnson, words can't express what you mean to me. Thank you for giving me a chance almost 9 years ago. I didn't deserve it, but you still gave it to me anyway. I will love you all of the days of my life!

Some days and weeks in our lives our easily forgotten, and some days in our lives will never be forgotten. 

This past week will be remembered! 

Sincerely,

Michael "MJ The Terrible" Johnson

[merak-zoran]

In Response to Yesterday’s Dorian Comic:

Trigger Warnings: Homophobia, Violence, Assault, Racism: Please click the links in this post only if you’re in an okay place mentally to deal with them. 

I wanted to talk a little about the comic posted yesterday, the one featuring Samson calling Dorian the f-slur and then killing him.

I'm not sure if I can say that this comic triggered me, but it certainly had an affect on me. I was outside, at work, on my break. Enjoying myself, scrolling through my dash on my phone, having a smoke, and then I saw it.

See, I don't like Dorian and Cullen as a ship, so I have that blacklisted. But blacklist doesn't work on mobile. I never would have seen it if I wasn't on my phone. (Actually, that's not true. So many people called this comic out that I would have seen it eventually.) Once I saw it, I had to go into the work bathroom and shake and cry a little. 

Let me start by talking a little about what Dorian means to me. You guys may have noticed that I am a bit of a Dorian fan. I've spent the last two years thinking about him. I bought the World of Thedas books because I wanted to know more about him. I've played the game six times and romanced him twice, I've read every bit of meta and obsessed over the Dorian tags. Because of this, I thought I had seen every stupid trope, every bit of wrongheaded thinking over Dorian's character and what he means to people. He's been characterized as Mr Gay and Sassy, he's been whitewashed, he's had his gorgeous nose sanded down to a nub, he's had women try to ship him with The One True Woman that he needs for some reason. Some of these things are stupid, most of them are a form of violence.

Fiction, as I have stated over and over again, is important. We tell each other stories to make sense of the world. We make up characters and project ourselves and our beliefs on them. These things matter because they help shape our perceptions, they help us learn more about people not like us, they help us see the world through a different view. Fiction matters. The same holds true for negative stereotypes. When we tell a story where Black people do not exist, we are telling the world that we only recognize white people. When we tell stories that glorify abuse, we're telling the world that abuse is okay.

And so yesterday, oldstupidtemplar decided to tell the world that killing a gay man of color after calling him a slur is how they think ship conflicts should be resolved.

It is telling, I think, that the person who drew this is Russian. Many Russian fan artists have been called out for whitewashing. It's always the same excuse, too. “There are no different skin tones here so I just draw what I know.” Never mind the endless trove of references available to show you how to find brown on your color palette. “We don't have racism in Russia.” You sure the fuck do.

But Russia is homophobic. Being gay, or any other sexuality that isn't straight in Russia can lead to your death. Russia has passed anti gay laws. From the Human Rights Watch website:

“'Violence experienced by LGBT people in Russia is unmistakably motivated by homophobia, but the authorities deliberately ignore that these are hate crimes and fail to protect victims,' said Tanya Cooper, Russia researcher at Human Rights Watch.”

It's not surprising to me that the artist of this comic has declared that they are not homophobic.

People like to hurt Dorian. That's something I've seen a lot of in my time in fandom. They like to force him to be with women. They like to kill his love interest. They like to imagine him beaten and harmed. These are the same people who will ship any two attractive men with each other and use that as evidence that they are not homophobic.

This is a straight woman problem. I've spoken at length with a friend of mine who has told me how much he identifies with Dorian. And he's pointed out that women like Dorian because he seems like the “safe” option. They can project their fantasies onto him because he’s attractive. It's part of the reason so many women ship Dorian with elves. Elves are thin and lithe and can be coded as feminine. Look at the Dorian and Cadash tag, then look at the Dorian and Lavellen tag. Adaar, to an extent, gets more love from Dorian, but that's because you can make a big beefy Qunari traditionally sexy, and give Dorian the 'feminine' role so many straight women desperately need. Dwarves are not traditionally attractive by fandom standards. (Which is weird, because with all the people who love height differences, you'd think we'd see more Dorian and Cadash kissing art)

(I know you're reading this and asking why I chose an elf to ship Dorian with. It's because I like playing as elves and that's who I picked to do that romance. I wasn't expecting to fall in love with my own OC. But that's another discussion to have another time.)

Here's the thing I want to leave you guys with.

When you have talent and drive, why do you want to use it to hurt people? When you want to write fic, why do you choose to write the only canon dark skinned Black woman getting tortured? When you want to draw, why do you choose to stab Dorian through the chest? When you want to pair art with fic, why do you choose to describe dark skin as a curse?

What are your motivations? What kind of story do you want to tell?

And is it yours to be telling in the first place?

I am not going to advocate for sending a single goddamned word to oldstupidtemplar. Block, ignore, move forward, support artists and writers who don't use their platform to spread violent rhetoric.

What I am going to do is ask that all of you make an effort to support content that isn't racist, homophobic, transphobic or ableist. Keep motivating those talented artists and writers who write respectfully. Keep buying books written by marginalized people who want to tell their stories. Keep boosting artwork that isn't whitewashed, that doesn't promote violence and abuse.

(Anyone who sends me a message about free speech and censorship is getting blocked on sight.)

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything.  I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage. 

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo.  Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though. 

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of.  Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all. 

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though.  For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued. 

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it.  Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted.  Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me.  Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out.  Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner.  At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him. 

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice. 

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after.  The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult.  I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much. 

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well! 

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks. 

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.” 

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond. 

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends.  Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now.  My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it.  I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes.  It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things. 

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there. 

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret. 

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too. 

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret.  Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it. 

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could.  Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things.  It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends.  Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave  me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am.  One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me.  I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have. 

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when. 

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do.  Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.