#i just. it's been on my mind and it's upsetting me i guess
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Family Matters
Inspired by this post; in the same universe as this
Warnings: non/dubcon, cheating, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.
My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.
Character: Thor Odinson
Summary: your new husband's brother surprises you with a visit.
As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤��
The doorbell rings again and you barrel so quickly down the stairs, you nearly topple off the bottom step. You catch your breath and grab the post at the bottom of the banister to steady yourself. It’s a splendid house but you told Loki it’s too big for just the two of you. He didn’t like that so you didn’t mention it again, even though it feels empty with how much he’s not around.
You let those worries slake off of you and hurry to the door. It could be another surprise! Loki hates leaving you for so long so he tries to fill the void with gifts. Sometimes, they make you feel better, other times, you’re just sad. You’d rather have him there.
It’s not a courier but a familiar face. Your brother-in-law. It’s official as of one month ago. You’re family.
“Oh, hi,” you deflate, trying not to show your disappointment. You’re not upset it’s him, you just hate being the one to say, “Loki’s not in.”
Thor smiles. He’s rarely unhappy. “Ah, that’s unfortunate. Where is off to, then?”
“Work,” you grumble the repetitive explanation. “Important project or something.”
“Important enough to leave you alone?” He wonders.
“I... guess,” you try not to mope. Loki says it make you look childish.
“Well, I am much in the same boat. Alone,” he laughs hollowly.
“Oh, yes, I... how are you doing?” You ask. “I didn’t get a chance to thank you for coming to the wedding. Really, I know it must’ve been difficult.”
“I couldn’t miss my brother’s special day,” he shakes his head. “It was a day for love. Wasn’t your fault mine decided to leave...”
Your heart breaks for him. The day you were married, Frigga told you what happened. A hug fight right after your rehearsal dinner. Jane left before the morning. Despite all that, Thor didn’t show a hint of grief at the wedding.
“It’s too bad. I liked Jane.”
“Needless to say, I did too,” he smiles thinly. “Well, I hope I didn’t disturb you very much. I suppose I could come calling tomorrow and hope my brother isn’t too busy for the likes of me.”
Your heart rents for him. Here you are, a new marriage, a husband to long for, and he lost his girlfriend of five years. You don’t have much else going on, it would be nice to have someone there.
“Did you wanna hang around for a bit?” You ask. “Not much going on but... this place is eerie when you’re all alone.”
“Hm, did Loki say when he would return? Wouldn’t mind waiting around a bit,” he suggests.
“I hope soon but he didn’t say,” you shrug. “Yesterday he wasn’t home until midnight.”
“Midnight? He would make you wait so long? A lovely young wife like you?” He scoffs. “Well, that is just terrible. I will not commit the same crime as my brother. I’d love to come in.”
“Alright,” you smile. “I... we could put something on? I was going to watch the new season of the true crime show.”
“Ha,” he enters as you step back to let you through. “That wouldn’t help being alone, would it?”
“I guess not,” you giggle. “We could watch something else. A comedy. I’ve been rewatching Friends. For the hundredth time.”
“Whatever you like,” he slips his shoes off and puts them on the mat. “The only words a woman like you needs to hear, eh?”
You laugh again, “do you want snacks? I got some caramel corn and gummy bears.”
“My brother let you bring those in his house?” He wonders.
“It’s our house,” you face him with a pout as you stand in the broad archway to the front room.
“Yes, you are correct. My apologies,” he follows. “You know, he only hates those sugary treats because he is weak to them. Be sure to hide them well or you might find some missing.”
“No, he never wants any,” you continue into the front room.
“So he wants you to believe,” Thor counters.
“How about drinks? We got a bunch of wine from the wedding. Some scotch?”
“I only really indulge in lager and I'm not of the mood for it,” he assures. “I could help with the snacks.”
“No, no, sit,” you grab the remote and hold it out to him. “Find something to watch. I’m so indecisive I just flick through the menu for an hour.”
“I will do my best,” he accepts it. His hand dwarfs you own as his fingers brush across yours. Loki’s hands are long, but not as thick.
You push your shoulders up and spin around to flit off to the kitchen. You scurry away and slide into the kitchen. You go to the cupboard and take down the bag of caramel corn. You pour some in a bowl then grab the package of gummy bears and a box of cream cookies.
As you come back to the living room, Thor leans forward to set the down the remote. You put the treats on the glass table and sit on the other end of the couch. You only realise then how awkward it is. You’ve never really been alone with him.
“Thank you. So sweet of you to have me,” he says as he twines his fingers together. “I feel as if everyone has been avoiding me since Jane. I fear I might be a bit... melancholy.”
“Oh, uh, yeah,” you glance at the TV as it plays an intro to a show you don’t know, “well, how can anyone blame you? You’re going through so much.”
“I’m an adult, these things happen,” he says.
“Sure, they do, but I mean, it still hurts. It’s not easy,” you insist. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
“Ugh,” he puts his elbows on his legs and cradles his head. “I don’t mean to bring my dark cloud in here.” He rubs his temple. “Truly, I think I’ve been trying to outrun it but... what else can I think of with only an empty home to go to?”
“Oh, Thor,” you sidle closer on the cushions. You gently touch his arm. His bicep is a lot bigger against your hand. “It’s okay. You can’t hold it in forever. It's good to feel these things. Once you get through that, you can move on and I’m sure you’ll find the right one.”
He sniffles and you flinch. He quakes against your touch and your chest knots. You never imagined him crying. Especially not a man his size. You don’t know what else to do but comfort him. You rub his shoulder and he huddles over further and wipes his face.
His long blond locks conceal his tears as he mops his sadness away with his knuckles. You hum and get even closer, your hand trailing up his back.
“Thor, I'm sorry. It feels so cruel, I know. Especially the timing of it--”
He startles you as he leans against you. You let out an ‘oop’ as he turns to embrace you, curling his shoulders and hunching to put his head on your shoulder. You have no choice but to let him.
“Oh, it’s been awful,” he snivels. “I’ve been so lonely.”
“Shhh, let it out, that’s okay,” you rub his back and stare at the wall. You certainly didn’t expect the night to go like this.
He holds you tight as he cries against you, his body heaving. You know Loki isn’t the best for these sorts of things so you’re happy at least he trusts you enough to listen. That’s about as much as you can do.
“You won’t believe how cruel she was,” Thor rasps. “She just yelled and yelled. She shoved me and—she just kept accusing me.”
“Accusing you? Of what?”
He’s quiet for a moment. He lifts his head to look at you, his arm across your back. “Of wanting another.”
“Oh?” You blink in surprise.
“I told her no, no, I did not, but she kept saying “I see it! I see it in your face!” And I swore to her, no, no,” He wipes his face with his other hand, “but now I’m afraid she might have been right.”
“She... who?” You frown.
His arm wraps around you, his fingers dipping into your side and in a moment, the couch shifts beneath you. You cannot resist as surprise paralyses you. Thor lifts you easily onto his lap, turning you and sliding you to sit on his thighs.
“Woah, uh, whaat--” You press your hand to his chest. “Please, Thor, you’re emotional--”
“She was right, kitten, you are so soft, so gentle, and I could not look away. She caught me--”
“No, no, you can’t-- Loki--”
“Loki leaves you alone. He would rather work than stay and adore his precious wife,” He cups your chin and forces you to look at him. “He would abandon you...” he leans in as his eyes fall to your lips, “and leave you unkissed.”
You try to pull back but you’re trapped in his embrace. He squeezes you close and crushes his lips to yours. You squeal and struggle against him, finally turning your head so his mouth smears across your cheek.
“Untouched,” his hand trails down your neck and you clasp onto two of his fingers, straining to keep him from going lower. “Unloved--”
“Thor, stop, let me go--”
He leans over so your back is on the cushion, his arm beneath you as your legs are folded up over his. He is on his side next to you. His large hand comes back to frame your face and he squeezes to keep you from squirming. You tug as his shirt and whine.
“Thor, please, stop. We can forget--”
“I can’t forget,” he growls and nuzzles your nose. You whimper and push against his chest again. He is stone, he is unmoving, and you know you cannot stop him. “I will never forget how you feel against me, kitten.”
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Knowing You're Losing [Warren Lipka]
Angst
You never should've fallen in love with Warren.
:) you're welcome.
No one's perspective
⊹˚.⋆ ₊꒷ᘏᘏ︶ଓ︶꒷꒦⊹˚ᗢ₊꒷︶ଓ︶꒷
It was a mistake.
You knew it was a mistake.
That damned brunette.
He infected your mind. Never left alone in your thoughts. His stupid dark eyes. His stupid curls. His stupid shirts. His stupid demanour. Basically everything about him. God it was infuriating. That fucking smile. It was beautiful and you despised it.
Watching him worm his way into girls underwear every party he went to. Watching him have the time of his life like it was all going away the next morning.
You hated him so much you loved him. Everything about him annoyed the shit out of you, and you just fell. Fell into a fucking pit of heart wrenching smiles.
Spencer, being the guy he was, definitely knew your feelings. He let you linger on them since his best friend was a temperamental piece of...anyway.
"Hey guess what?"
"What?"
"I love you."
Whiplash. Straight into your heart. Staring out at the nighttime through your window. Tainted with rain and the occasional crash of thunder. Warren was drunk. You knew it. He didn't mean it. Should you have said it back? Yeah. Fuck it, say it back.
"I love you too Warren." Warren hummed in reply, smiling to himself. "You'd just call me to say that?" A stupid attempt to keep the conversation going after a few moments of unnerving silence.
"...yea pretty much."
"Right. Well try to get some sleep yeah?"
"totally." Then he hung up. He wasn't going to remember this in the morning, and you had made peace with that fact. Forever in limbo with a man who you shouldn't've really been hanging around anyway.
Like clockwork his calls came. He was either drunk and telling you some feelings that didn't matter. Or he was waking you up with another rant about the economy. You'd be a fool to stay loving him for so long. And you were that fool. Constantly the fool.
"you're the prettiest person I've ever had in my arms." That was a lie. Well, you thought it was a lie. You'd seen prettier. His arms were wrapped tightly around your front, your hands holding onto his arms. The lights around you buzzed around the edge of your vision, blinking occasionally to get rid of the buzzing for a few seconds at a time. Warren was swaying you slowly from side to side, barely in time with the music blasting through your ears and into your heart. The side of his face against your cheek, to get as close to you as possible. It was heartbreaking.
You loved him. And you had him. Finally. But it felt all for nought. No one warned you of just how, intense, loving Warren was...when he loved you back. His everything and nothing at the same time. Sure he'd drop everything if you asked, but if he fucked up and you were upset, he wouldn't come to your door with flowers and an apology. Well, he'd apologise eventually, but not the way you'd expect. He'd invite you out to a bar and you'd start talking about the issue while he stared hearts into your soul. A drink stuck to his lips.
"I love you."
"yeah, I love you too."
"No...Warren...I love you."
"I know. I love you too."
You should've expected that. He did love you, you knew that. But it just didn't feel like it. Like he was saying it back because he had to. Not because he wanted to. Great... another issue.
Cuddling onto his jacket, curling up on yourself. Half asleep, lonely again. Of course. You were an idiot for thinking you were different. Only letting yourself believe it because your relationship went the longest. 7 months. The best but worst 7 months. Longest 7 months of your life. Still friends. Still close as friends, you couldn't pry yourself away from Warren no matter how hard you'd try. He had infested your heart and your brain. Living in your cortex, keeping himself close to you even through your expected heartbreak.
Every time, he told you he loved you. Like nothing happened.
You were a fool.
Back to watching him worm through different relationships every few months.
"you know I love you right?"
"I love you too Warren."
⊹˚.⋆ ₊꒷ᘏᘏ︶ଓ︶꒷꒦⊹˚ᗢ₊꒷︶ଓ︶꒷
Tags: @babygorewhore / @taintandviolent / @oceanblvd111 / @nahoyasboyfriend / @slutforgarlogan / @marchs-hummingbird @american-horror-whore /. @evanpeterspeter / @feefymo / @fear-is-truth / @lacucarachapisser / @saintlucretia / @jazz-berry / @t8-ak47 / @lemoniiiiiii / @xrag-dollx
#warren lipka#warren lipka x reader#warren lipka x y/n#warren lipka x you#angst#evan peters#american animals#x reader#i hope this crushed u#warren lipka imagine#evan peters x reader
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Alex: [Smiles warmly] Hi Coraleye…
Coraleye: [Smiles back] Hi Alex…
Alex: Ready for one last take before we officially call it a wrap?
Coraleye: I guess so! Alex: So how’s life treating you now? You adjusting okay?
Coraleye: Oh�� well it's been a whirlwind, to say the least, heh. But I’m finding my footing again. Finally finishing up school. Just barely keeping my head above water some days, but yeah, I’m getting by. Trying to find my new normal.
Alex: [Nods thoughtfully] I want to talk about that a little bit. You’ve had to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened on election night. Do you remember when Cam and I came out to visit you in Brindleton Bay?
Coraleye: Mhm. I sure do. You interviewed some girls I went to school with.
Alex: So, Mackenzie, Briella, Logan… I’m not sure how much you’re aware of, especially with how quickly the media coverage was shut down after election night. But I’ve gotta ask—have you reached out to Coraleye at all since then? Offered any kind of support?
Logan: [Quickly glances at Mackenzie] I’m not sure if we got the chance to reach out yet, have we? Mackenzie:[Feigning innocence] She hasn't filled us in completely, but we’ve heard bits and pieces... Briella: We heard about her and her boyfriend. They broke up, right? [Big grin] Life has a cruel way of teaching us lessons!
Mackenzie presses her lips together, appearing to hold back a laugh, but finally cracks as a sharp cackle spills out.
Mackenzie: Oh my mod, Briella, stop! You can't say that! I just love you. So sorry about her, she's so crazy. Anyways, yeah. We wish her the best. I hope it all works out for her, I really do.
Cam: Well, I think that will probably do it for now, thank you ladies. Alex: Cam's right, thank you for your time. We'll be in touch. Have a happy Harvestfest.
Several weeks later, Britechester-
Alex: Cam and I try not to get too involved with work matters, but I'll be honest, that interview was upsetting. I wonder if they'd still be snickering if they saw what you've been through in these past few months.
Coraleye: Nah, they're the least of my worries. Pretty sure I got the last laugh when it comes to them. [Mischievous grin]
Alex: I'm in awe of your optimism, Coraleye. After all this, you’re really not bitter? I mean, look at Tycho—he lied, tried to erase your memories. And you still take the high road?
Coraleye: Oh no, please don’t get me wrong, Alex! I definitely went through—and sometimes still go through—my naughty phase, from time to time. Alex: [Leans in] You have my attention... Coraleye: Maybe it was for revenge, or a way to cope, or maybe deep down I was just really lonely and had a void to fill. Either way, it got me through some dark times. Perhaps you should book a follow-up interview with Briella, ask her if she found my panties in her boyfriend's room yet. [Waves at camera, winks, and mouths, ‘Hey, Pierce!’] Alex shakes his head amusedly and softly chuckles.
Alex: Damn! You really don't mess around. I'm guessing this doubles as punishment for Tycho as well?
Coraleye: Nope. Actually, his punishment is even better. I'm giving him exactly what he wants. After this documentary is over with, I'm erasing all of our shared memories together. He wanted to mess with my mind so badly, I'll do it for him. Alex: And how do you do that?
Coraleye: Through a spell, of course. You didn't forget that I'm a spellcaster, did you? I'll put the memories in an amulet and give it to our sage of untamed magic. They'll perform a ritual to destroy the memories. Alex: Wow. Remind me to never break your heart... Coraleye: [Smiles] Oh, I will. Alex: [Sighs] Well... Last question we're asking everyone else: Is there any question that you have, after all of this, that still haunts you?
Coraleye: [Tilts head, as she pauses to think] Hmm… I’ve still got to write that paper on my ten-year plan, and somehow I feel even more lost than before. I guess it’s time to start figuring that out now.
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#ts4 story#MD4#Coraleye Darling#simblr#Alex Hart#Cam Rai#MD4season10#SalientRecollectionDoc#Mackenzie Benson#Logan Anderson#Briella Choi#Brindleton Bay#Britechester#Erwin Pries#GIF
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Family Reunion; Part III
Dad!Ford x GN!Reader (Familial)
Everything builds up into one weak moment where your mind is vulnerable. A certain triangular being is prepared to take full advantage of this. In the end, it may be too late to realise that mistakes have been made.
CW: I got bored and skipped a bunch to reach what I wanted to write, deceit, Bill Cipher
You followed Ford and Dipper back to the shack. They spoke to each other the whole way back-- going on and on about how cool the alien spacecraft was and Ford talking about way back when he used to go there all the time. You walked behind them, staring at their backs. They both had genuine smiles spread across their faces while they spoke.
"When was the last time I smiled at him like that?"
You stopped following them when you reached The Mystery Shack. The sun was beginning to set. Ford and Dipper continued into the shack, even shutting the door behind themselves. You took a deep sigh before you redirected your steps and made your way to your pond.
"When was the last time he smiled at me like that?"
You sat by the pond, legs up to your chest, and your arms resting on your knees. You flicked pebbles into the water, watching the ripples even themselves out.
"You're older now-- he can't bond with an adult. He can bond with a kid like Dipper,"
"He probably prefers a kid that's actually related to him, too,"
"Dipper's more like him than I am,"
"Maybe, you shouldn't have opened the portal,"
You shook your head at the last thought, groaning out loud. "He's your dad!" You reason to yourself, now holding your head. "He wouldn't just abandon you, right?"
You sighed and grabbed a stick nearby. "We can still hang out," you whisper. "Me, dad, and-- and Dipper, I guess,"
You draw stick figures in the dirt. A tall one, a shorter one, and then, a good distance away, another tall one. "Why are you being such a baby about it? You're a full-grown adult!" You toss the stick, now angry with yourself.
"Just move on, like everyone else,"
"[Y/N]?"
You shake in place and spin your head around to face the unexpected visitor. "Oh--! D-Dad, sorry," you say quickly. "I-- I didn't see you there, I thought you and Dipper were fixing the rift,"
Ford walked over and sat beside you. He glanced at the drawing in the dirt. "It was a quick process, we already patched it," he responded.
"Oh, good,"
There was a pause. "Are you alright?"
You feel your face heat up and you began to fiddle with your fingers. "I-- I mean, yeah--," you stop yourself. "--No, no, actually, I-- I'm not,"
Ford sighed. "I know what it's about,"
"Do you?" You turn to him. "It feels like every time you 'know', you don't actually know,"
Ford's face softened when he turned to you. "It's about me and Dipper, isn't it?" Your eyes widened as he continued. "I offered him that apprenticeship and you feel like I accept Dipper more as my kid than you-- my actual kid,"
"Wow," you say without thinking. "Y-yeah-- sorry, I-- I'm just... I'm upset,"
Ford chuckled quietly. "I understand. That offer I gave Dipper? It doesn't mean anything," Ford explained.
"Wh--what?" Your brows raise. "Dipper's gonna be really disappointed if you go back on your word,"
"In what world are a boy's parents going to allow their son to run off with his estranged uncle?" Ford asked, a humorous look on his face. "No matter how many PhDs I have, I am sure they would prefer their son closer to home and safe,"
Your lips tighten to a line and you look down at the dirt in front of you. "W-well, when you say it like that," you began, "I-- I sort'a feel silly, now,"
Ford stood up. "Don't worry about it." He smiled and offered his hand. "It's going to be all right, I promise,"
You smile back and accept the help, rising to your feet. Your smile drops. You look around the area-- finally noticing the halted movements in everything. The dragonfly stopped mid-air, the water's ripples stopped in motion, and the bird stuck in the air above you. You look back at "Ford" with wide eyes and try to pull away-- but the grip is stone-tight.
"W-Wait!" You yelled. "Stop! Y-you can't do this!"
"Ford's" face began to melt as the all too familiar laugh rang out into the grayed mindscape. Ford's hand turned into Bill's hand, his large eye staring a whole into you.
"Thanks for the body, kid!" Bill laughed and pulled you forward.
You felt yourself spiral through the air. You managed to even yourself out and turn to face your body rising from the ground.
Yellow eyes and a large smile, not natural to yourself, looked up at you. "What're you doing!?" You screamed, rushing to follow.
"Bringing about the end of the world," Bill replied bluntly. "What else?" He laughed and walked off smoothly-- but not towards the shack.
You watched Bill walk into the forest. You froze in place-- not by any outside power to try and prevent you from following your body. You froze out of fear. Your mind sped around you at a million miles a minute. "I-- I need to tell Dad!"
***
Mabel was stuffed inside her sweater and rocking herself back and forth. A plain beige backpack sat beside her-- failing to provide any comfort. The only sounds to be emitted were the sniffles of sorrow.
"Mabel?" Your voice called out. "Are you alright?"
Mabel poked her eyes out to peer at you. "Sweater-town isn't accepting any visitors." She buried her face back into the sweater. "How did you even find me?"
You approached. "I wasn't really lookin', kid." You explained and sat beside her. "Sort'a came out to get some fresh air,"
"Why is this happening?" Her voice cracked and squeaked. "Summer's ending, school is gonna be horrible, and I won't even have Dipper back home!"
Mabel cried and shook. "Ah-- jeez, kid, I-- I'm sorry," you tried to comfort. "I-- I get it, y'know? The one person that's supposed to always be there with you isn't there-- it hurts,"
"I wish Summer wasn't ending-- I- I wish at least Dipper wouldn't accept that stupid offer!"
"I hear'ya," you agreed. "Dad's more interested in mentorin' Dipper than he is interested in hangin' out with his own kid-- I wish I had more time with him,"
Mabel sniffled and removed herself from the sweater to look at you. "Isn't there something we can do?"
You sighed and shrugged. "Not unless you got some orb on a small pedestal," you chuckle.
Mabel brightened. "I-- I think Dipper has some weird nerd thing like that in here." She grabbed the beige bag and began to rifle through it before pulling The Rift out. "Is this what you're talking about?"
You smiled widely. "Oh! Yeah! Do you know what we can do with this?" You held The Rift tightly. "Mabel, you can get a longer summer with Dipper and I can get my dad back!"
"Really?" Mabel smiled-- hope fluttering in her mind.
"Of course!"
Your grip tightened around The Rift. Your smile became more and more unnatural the longer it stayed on your face. Your eyes weren't quite reflecting the correct colours anymore. Just as Mabel's mind began to wonder-- The Rift shattered in your hands. The glass pierced through your skin and the contents of the orb spilled onto you and the ground.
"What!?" Mabel yelled in shock.
She almost couldn't hear herself over your deranged laughter. Your yellow eyes brightened-- connecting the dots in Mabel's mind.
"W-wait! No!"
You flicked your fingers-- causing Mabel to collapse into unconsciousness. Your body began to float before Bill released it and allowed it to fall to the ground.
You flutter your eyes open and wince as pain flies from your hands and up your arms. You roll onto your stomach and spot Mabel's body. "I--I'm so sorry! Mabel!" You tried to crawl and reach for her.
Your movements are halted though as both your body and Mabel's body were lifted through the air. Mabel's body became encased in a ball of rock-- a shooting star branded onto it.
Your eyes began to fall heavy-- your hand weakly shaking towards the rock flying away from you. The last image to haunt your mind was Bill's eye shooting a red beam at you. The final thought before you were thrown into your own mind;
"Dad, please help-- I'm sorry!"
_______
》 END
#gravity falls#fanfic#stanford pines#dadford#stanford pines x reader#x reader#mabel pines#dipper pines#gn!reader#Bill Cipher#the intricate
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Using this space to reply to both @blatherby and @fluentisonus!
@blatherby: right right right, "The time has come to journey on/And from this day he must be gone"—and I do think you're correct that standard fanon is he's going into this encounter with the intent to leave, though I suppose I don't know how much by percentage Valvert fic is actually based on the musical vs the Brick, and for the former it's not a misreading per se. I'm thrown, in any case! Really having to recalibrate my sense of the level of his self-harm and suicidality (which still sits at "very nonzero", but slightly lower than "dialed up to eleven", I guess—I think that the line "He was at his own request and through his own complicity driven out of all his happinesses one after the other; and he had this sorrow, that after having lost Cosette wholly in one day, he was afterwards obliged to lose her again in detail" signals that he wouldn't have been able to sustain himself on this course regardless of Marius' part in things).
@fluentisonus said in tags:
#yes!!!! this was something i was thinking abt a lot when i just got here on this last read#& i think contributed to my being more frustrated with/upset by marius this time around than before#i think the other line here is that really stood out to me is 5.8.2:#''He came every day because he had not the strength to take Marius’ words otherwise than literally''#<- which to me does Not speak to someone who is planning to stop visiting.#or at least to actually go through with not visiting#he's in fact willfully taking marius at his literal word re visiting rather than what i think he knows derp down marius would prefer#like he gave marius incomplete reasons & scared him badly (his (jvj's) fault!) but the m jean stuff is i think just intended as a layer of#separation to visiting & that last horrible wrench is all marius. & while not quite unexpected it's not what he (ivj) would have done#naturally if given the choice. in fact as we see it's incredibly hard to prevent himself from going#anyways really good post!#les mis#i think another thing though is that he asks marius to visit when he's quite literally at the door. like. he knows he can't bear#to not have this one thing. like he says all that & asks marius if he should see her again; takes his 'cold' no; gets to the door; & then#closes the door again & turns around to beg to see her <- tbc this is not a disagreement with your point that he always intends to visit#cosette just that both in-book & out of book it's easy to mistake bc it being at the end there makes it almost Seem like an afterthought#rather than i think one of the most genuinely earnest parts of his confession because to him he's been building up to something#he's not convinced he deserves & is asking against his better judgement#But i think this doesn't look good particularly to marius#it looks like he's backtracking on what he's set up#& marius gives in in the moment but it's one of the things he specifically regrets caving to in the next chapter#& i think is frustrated jvj couldn't fully follow through so he decides to force the issue#if that makes sense#hmm also (<- sorry op to come back & add more tags hours later) speaking of the m jean/vouvoyer thing i think you can very much read that#as being not a step towards a final separation but rather a way (to his mind) he can safely & perhaps even more honestly (?) Continue to#visit cosette. he can still see her without being connected to her in sn incriminating way . like you say#<- ofc this is not at all how it comes across to cosette
Yes!!! The level of my "jesus, you murdered that man" feelings towards Marius definitely dialed up a notch by reading the scene through this lens. As I said in responding above: re-reading further, I think it's a misjudgment on Valjean's part—that he can survive on black bread, but not on so little of Cosette—but I do wonder if, in the long run, as she once convinced him to have a fire and better food for her sake, whether she would've rekindled their bond and said to hell with this to the M. Jean and vouvoyer and cellar. Like, she's caught up in a new marriage, in learning what it means to love openly and fuck a man and live in the world, but I like to think given a few more months to settle into things she would've come back around to her papa—because she might not need him like she did when she was alone in the woods, but there's more in love than needing.
Which sidetracks me from "what did Jean Valjean mean to do?" to "what did Jean Valjean actually do?", and in the context of Cosette's happiness—it's always fraught! always makes me holler. Poor old man, and poor child.
I've dithered over making this post because I will feel incredibly silly if everyone else got this on the first go-through rather than the—Lord alone knows how many times I've read this particular scene, actually—but there I was, me and "The Seventh Circle and the Eighth Heaven"—as you do, for idle and entertainment, and I reach
If you will allow it, I will come to see her. I assure you that I desire it greatly. If I had not cared to see Cosette, I should not have made to you the confession that I have made, I should have gone away; but, as I desired to remain in the place where Cosette is, and to continue to see her, I had to tell you about it honestly. You follow my reasoning, do you not? it is a matter easily understood.
And realized that despite the character stating his reason right there in the text I have misunderstood badly. I took Valjean's intent with this confession and in his behavior afterwards to be separation from Cosette, that his desired outcome is to die alone, that he struggles against his love of her to reach that solitude, but it's—not. He says earlier that it's not, as well.
Stay, the unfortunate point is that I have a thread in my heart, which keeps me fast. It is when one is old that that sort of thread is particularly solid. All life falls in ruin around one; one resists. Had I been able to tear out that thread, to break it, to undo the knot or to cut it, to go far away, I should have been safe. I had only to go away; there are diligences in the Rue Bouloy; you are happy; I am going. I have tried to break that thread, I have jerked at it, it would not break, I tore my heart with it.
The thread—to Cosette. He can't separate himself. He would not have to make this confession if he could simply leave her. Therefore he has to confess to Marius for two reasons, as I see it: (1) a big dramatic compulsion to honesty about his symbolic status as one who cannot live in the family of men, sure, but (2) like, real literally, he cannot live in the house. Valjean is practical, he makes arrangements, he's smart, his confession draws from the saint but I think it's also the thief, and what does the thief need? A co-conspirator. Both morally and practically he's averse to living at the Rue des Filles-du-Calvaire, and with both Cosette and her "master" Marius pushing him to move in, he'd have to move totally away, as he's certainly not going to give in—but now he's got Marius' backing to allow him to stay at the Rue de l'Homme-Armé, and he can exist in the in-between space he's always occupied, there in the back courtyard of Cosette's life.
I always wondered at Valjean's vacillation—that he says "To-day, Cosette passes out of my life; our two roads part. Henceforth, I can do nothing for her.", then begs Marius for the right to visit her. But he didn't change his intent at all; he was always keen to visit, to live on the crumbs that scatter from the table. He simply can't pull up a chair.
Marius' passive-aggressive attack on that thread, the destruction of Valjean's heart, Valjean is complicit in accepting that, yes. But he did not come into this parlor looking for that outcome.
🤦♂️
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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y'all i slept for 21+ hours uninterrupted? haven't done that in a a while.
#i did take extra trazodone bc taking it the first time is what triggered immediate vomitting lol i guess it still managed to take effect#i didnt even think it had time to reach my stomach or anything that's wild#unless i just slept that long bc i was so ill#that happens too#tyrell knew i was asleep that whole time and she didnt let arlo out give him food or anything :(((#he just held it im so sad#i know she cant feed him his food bc he wont let her but she could have brought him human snacks or dog treats from outside of the room :(#i know helping with their dogs is how i earn my keep since i dont help with the mortgage but like#he's a libing creature and his parent is essentially comatose how could you just leave him to hold it for nearly an entire day :(#he's too polite to wake me even if i were wakeable#is it reasonable to be upset about that?#we function as a family not as roommates#arlo is very often left out of familial things#keep in mind though arlo chomps tyrell sometimes#but not when shes letting him outside and stuff its only if like#like she cant put a cone on him#but she can do normal things like bringing him outside and stuff and she says shes not afraid of him#and has admitted that it's been her fault for the chomps bc she wasnt watching for the signals#what im saying is its not dangerous for her to let him out and she is not afraid to do so#she does when i ask her to when im very ill#but i couldnt ask while unconscious
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this isn’t a new hot take of mine but it still blows my MIND that I’m in the minority in the kyman fandom when it comes to thinking of Kyle as a dom/top and Cartman as a sub/bottom. From what I’ve heard from veteran kymans the fandom barely had ANY sub Cartman truthers in its earlier years, and dom Cartman is still extremely popular to this day. There's so much art/fics where Kyle is like... a pain slut (????) or gagging for Cartman’s giant dick (?????????) but any time I see that stuff I get a visceral, skin-crawling HELL FUCKING NO 😬😬😬 reaction and have to back out immediately.
A mutual once told me something like “I can’t write Cartman as a dom, I think I’d break out in hives or something” and that’s p much exactly how I feel lmao 😆
y'all do you ig, but it's not my cup of tea at all.
#it's just. completely baffling to me#I've been seeing so much of it lately that it's making me second-guess my own thoughts on kyman#like how could I possibly be interpreting these characters so differently from other people I don't get it 🫠#and yeah i know not all tops are doms and not all bottoms are subs but that's how the majority of ppl depict it#but it's not even that they HAVE to have a dom/sub dynamic at all for it to seem ic to me#they can have an equal partnership without that D/s power exchange#blargh i'm just venting at this point#tbf ppl can do what they want in fandom and I don't have to engage with it but i'm so starving for kyman content the brainrot is too much#i used to not mind seeing sadist/dom/top cartman when I first dipped my toe into kyman#like it wasn't my fav but i wouldn't viscerally hate it#but now that i've gotten to know the characters so much more and even written my own fic i just. can't tolerate it anymore#maybe i need to take a break from kyman for a bit cuz this is making me irrationally annoyed and upset 🫠 blarrghhh#my post
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some ccs are just straight up nuts there’s no other explanation
#saw a comment on r/dwt2 and it made me look into the moonzy/draggie situation#this freak accused him of having ‘grooming tendencies’ when he was YOUNGER than her#he showed all their DMs and it was just reciprocated flirting ??#he was initiated more but it seemed reciprocal to me?#she just got mad at him bc he replied to one of her tweets where she was flirting with Karl with ‘ouch’#<- replied in DMs I mean#I guess bc she thought the flirting was a joke ??#how is this an ‘experience’ you need to speak up about im loosing my mind#‘guy flirted with me I flirted back but I wasn’t really interested pls show ur sympathies and like and subscribe🥺’#and in her statement she was talking about an anon who came out about their experiences prior#saying they had been groomed but draggie had fully debunked that years ago#so idk why she was bringing that up ??#and ofc you have aim.sey and max and sniff in the replies with their heart emojis#straight up nuts I’m losing brain cells here#btw she’s the one who said something about how a lot of ccs didn’t support her#including big ones from that ‘stupid mine.craft server’ (meaning dsmp obv)#just nuts straight up nuts#negativity#like I have to be missing something (and if I am pls tell me but I don’t think I am???)#because saying this cringe flirting with someone YOUNGER THAN YOUUU is ‘groomer tendencies’ is fucking nuts#it’s just what is with these people like what’s wrong with them#why does mildly uncomfortable experience = horrible predator we need to inform the public about bc they’re a danger to society#sorry I’m done I’m just actually upset lol
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At the anger stage of realising I have childhood trauma
#for the longest time I didnt even register that what ive been through probably counts as trauma#especially because i was doing the comparison thing#like all my friends had fucking???? awful parents and I was here pimping mine out because they were supportive of my being queer#and they were supportive of a lot of things growing up#but also there was a lot of stuff that im now realising was Not okay#and that actually just because there were good things that doesnt negate the fucking emotional problems I had growing up#anyway im just angry that I now have to fix this shit if I wanna try and live a life#personal#raven rambles#like im sorry youre upset that i dont have a traditional job parents#and im sorry that I have struggled so much and that Ive been so listless about my life because of things I didnt understand#i understand them now and Guess What!!!! theyre most likely inherited FROM YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!#youre upset that im not the person I could have been WELL SO FUCKING AM I#AND NOW IM ANGRY THAT YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT#when i was BEGGING YOU FOR FUCKING HELP AT 14#WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME!???#WHY DIDNT YOU FUCKING BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD YOU I WASNT OKAY!?????#All these psychs and gps telling me I have excellent insight into my own fucking mind and my own emotions is so validating#but also so fucking anger inducing#because for so long I was trained TO NOT FUCKING TRUST MYSELF#but actually i have very good fucking insight apparently#so I love you parents#but also fuck you#fuck you fuck you fuck you#I think ive pinpointed why I have been feeling like smashing plates a lot recently#anyway ya boy has a mental health plan booked huzzah!
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i thought i had left school behind me a while ago but i guess my brain hasnt got the memo yet because it went "nuh-uh-uh. its time to dream about FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL ALL THE TIME☺️☺️ !!!"
i have not seen a school stablishment in over a year AND I DO NOT EVEN LIKE SCHOOL IM NOT IN IT ANYMORE I GRADUATED JUST MONTHS AGO WHY AM I STILL DREAMING OF ENTERING HIGH SCHOOL😭😭 GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!! /lh
#not art#I TALK!!!#just weeks ago i was staring at back at school posters like. damn poor fellas good thing im not there anymore#BUT NAH MY BRAIN SAID. WE JOINING TOO. LETS DREAM ABOUT ENTERING SCHOOL AGAIN#them commercials must be getting to me i swear😭 i look at em and im. NO!!!!!!#partially upset because these dreams havin me second guess if i miss school or not SOMETHING ID RATHER NOT BE IN MY MIND BEFORE COLLEGE#getting too concerned abojt what could have been of my high school years after the fact is going to be tbe end of me#THESE DREAMS DO NOT HELP!!! GET OUT!!!#maybe i have not left school behind me
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#personal#ebongawk personal#rant#literally just need to write this down or I’m gonna explode#but my brother got like actually upset with me earlier tonight over something that happened when I was 19#so 11 years ago#bc he gave me his ‘85 beater of a car#(my name was on the title!)#and a lady hit me and it got totaled out#so I gave him half the money thinking well that’s fair bc it’s my car but he did give it to me#and he’s just been harboring all of this anger about it all these years#because I guess that was in fact *his* car#it’s so fucking stupid#and he kept talking about his *generosity*#I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why that bothered me so much until I was driving home#and I realized that#no matter what I said or how I tried to defend myself#he kept implying that my generosity was less significant than his because it wasn’t monetary#despite the fact that I clean his fucking house#and have put so much goddamn money into making it feel like a home#never mind the state of this place when I moved in before I painted and deep cleaned#oh and don’t even fucking mention the *months* of my time I have spent watching his dog *for free* while he was globetrotting#but no#a car that totaled out 11 years ago because of an accident that *wasn’t my fault* makes him the epitome of generosity#gods I’m so mad#I spent my entire goddamn afternoon cleaning my sister’s disaster of an apartment so she hopefully gets some of her deposit back#and then I get reprimanded for something that happened when I was fucking 19#Jesus I’m so tired#this is all such petty bullshit too like we are over 30#fuck
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Feeling deeply tired of my family hours.
#it’s ok#I’m so tired#why don’t you have to watch what you say#no we don’t have to be told to watch what we say#because we have a fucking filter#and we notice people are getting upset before they yell or cry#or at least I fucking do#there’s so much I don’t do and say to not upset you#and I can never tell you because guess what you’ll get upset#everything I do is for this fucking family the only reason don’t kill myself is for your feelings#and you think you’re catering to me#I can’t tell you how I really feel because every time I do you make me feel worse#I never minded no one noticing how hard I try#that was always the point quiet little things to help things go smoother#a mediator a listener#that’s me that’s Klaryssa she just does that she likes it#and I do#I love helps I really do#but I also do it because sometimes it feels like no one else will#mom cleans what no one notices#I say let’s look at this from eachothers point of view#I go hey is that really the best way to say that#I’ve been cleaning up emotional messes for yeaaasrs#and you you go why is it on me to consider your feelings#because that’s what people do#I’m asking you to change your phrasing because it hurts#and you don’t understand why you don’t understand why#you just want to know why#I’ve been trying to explain for years#why is it my fault you still don’t understand
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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