#i just. it's been on my mind and it's upsetting me i guess
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why didnt we get to see viktor in the no hextech universe??? or like, at least hear about him in passing,,,, it just feels really weird that ekko and heimerdinger ask for powders help before even Considering viktors help,, like it makes sense for ekko of course, but viktor was heimerdingers Assistant And one of the people who cracked hextech the first time so i feel like its just logical,,,? they couldnt even think up an excuse for why they cant go to him? it just makes me sad,, both because im curious n wanna know what hes up to but also
viktor was right......................
#just hurts extra hard...#hes always overlooked and forgotten#n its like... i wouldnt mind it as much if it had been Intentionally done#cus it fits with viktors themes n arc n whatever#but point that shit out at least!#like ekko asking' werent there 2 guys who made hextech? we may not have jayce but what about the other one?'#n then at least make up a reason for why he cant help n tell me what hes up 2222222222222#i need to knowwww#it makes me madddd#also there was no sevika in no hextech au either which also upsets me#SHOW ME MY GIRL#arcane critical#i guess?#arcane#rambles#viktor arcane#arcane spoilers
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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this isn’t a new hot take of mine but it still blows my MIND that I’m in the minority in the kyman fandom when it comes to thinking of Kyle as a dom/top and Cartman as a sub/bottom. From what I’ve heard from veteran kymans the fandom barely had ANY sub Cartman truthers in its earlier years, and dom Cartman is still extremely popular to this day. There's so much art/fics where Kyle is like... a pain slut (????) or gagging for Cartman’s giant dick (?????????) but any time I see that stuff I get a visceral, skin-crawling HELL FUCKING NO 😬😬😬 reaction and have to back out immediately.
A mutual once told me something like “I can’t write Cartman as a dom, I think I’d break out in hives or something” and that’s p much exactly how I feel lmao 😆
y'all do you ig, but it's not my cup of tea at all.
#it's just. completely baffling to me#I've been seeing so much of it lately that it's making me second-guess my own thoughts on kyman#like how could I possibly be interpreting these characters so differently from other people I don't get it 🫠#and yeah i know not all tops are doms and not all bottoms are subs but that's how the majority of ppl depict it#but it's not even that they HAVE to have a dom/sub dynamic at all for it to seem ic to me#they can have an equal partnership without that D/s power exchange#blargh i'm just venting at this point#tbf ppl can do what they want in fandom and I don't have to engage with it but i'm so starving for kyman content the brainrot is too much#i used to not mind seeing sadist/dom/top cartman when I first dipped my toe into kyman#like it wasn't my fav but i wouldn't viscerally hate it#but now that i've gotten to know the characters so much more and even written my own fic i just. can't tolerate it anymore#maybe i need to take a break from kyman for a bit cuz this is making me irrationally annoyed and upset 🫠 blarrghhh#my post
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#holidays have not been what i hoped for so far 😔😔#well the first week was good but then i got sick 😭#and it's been so awful#having a cough is literally the worst i couldn't sleep it was so bad#and i couldn't even enjoy doing anything really because you can't properly focus on the thing bc ur coughing non stop#i hate it sm#and today it was gone all day only that now it is back altough not as bad as before but still#it always gets worse in the evening#like help i just want this to end#what made it even worse i had real plans to study and now i barely got anything done 😭😭#and now i'm scared for exams bc i couldn't follow the plan altough i still have more than 2 and 3 weeks left#in my mind i already think i'm gonna do badly bc i need to study more i'm afraid#and i'm also upset at myself even though it's not my fault i got sick but i keep thinking i still could have done more ughh#to make it even worse i coudn't play tennis for a whole week and i was so looking forward to playing everyday (and improving) 😢😢#i couldn't do any sports or see anyone i miss it sm#i hope at least in the new year i can do stuff again 🥺#it was just the worst cold/flu and idk why whenever i get it it's that extreme 😵💫#or idk is it normal that you can't sleep bc of it ... i just don't wanna get sick again ever lmao it's the worst#i guess christmas was still nice it wasn't that bad then and it was a lovely day with my family :)#and our tree was really pretty this year and i'm really happy with my gifts and also those i gifted 🥰#the week before was good i did play lots of tennis and i went on a christmas market with uni friend and to vienna for a trip with my mom ^^#but maybe it was too much sometimes i wonder if i do something wrong or if it is just bad luck like i did train a lot#and i played a tennis match for my club and won against a higher ranked opponent so yay 😁#and i played really well i feel like i once again really improved my level :)) but i did play kinda sick already so maybe that was rly bad😅#maybe i should stop doing that 😅 but i didn't know it's gonna get this bad i just had the worst headache and sore throat#well ig i should have known but i also always feel like i have to play and i love matches and like my team needs me?#who else would have won that? i'm one of the best at my team and the others who are rly good weren't there that day so i felt responsible 😅#honestly my mom possibly she is also quite good but it would have been close and i wasn't sure so i played 😅#but i have done this too often by now... playing sick i really can't help myself 🤦♀️
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i thought i had left school behind me a while ago but i guess my brain hasnt got the memo yet because it went "nuh-uh-uh. its time to dream about FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL ALL THE TIME☺️☺️ !!!"
i have not seen a school stablishment in over a year AND I DO NOT EVEN LIKE SCHOOL IM NOT IN IT ANYMORE I GRADUATED JUST MONTHS AGO WHY AM I STILL DREAMING OF ENTERING HIGH SCHOOL😭😭 GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!! /lh
#not art#I TALK!!!#just weeks ago i was staring at back at school posters like. damn poor fellas good thing im not there anymore#BUT NAH MY BRAIN SAID. WE JOINING TOO. LETS DREAM ABOUT ENTERING SCHOOL AGAIN#them commercials must be getting to me i swear😭 i look at em and im. NO!!!!!!#partially upset because these dreams havin me second guess if i miss school or not SOMETHING ID RATHER NOT BE IN MY MIND BEFORE COLLEGE#getting too concerned abojt what could have been of my high school years after the fact is going to be tbe end of me#THESE DREAMS DO NOT HELP!!! GET OUT!!!#maybe i have not left school behind me
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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this is like my fourth or fifth consecutive bad gym session I might as well just kill myself
#was fine when it was bc of my wrist injury just frustrating that i was so limited in what i could do#but its mostly better now and i still feel like im not doing anything near what im capable of i dont fucking know whats holding me back#both physical limitation and also i just have no grit at the moment. lost my mojo :-(#well ik itll take a while until my wrists are fully functional again and i probably am still healing so its partly that#and just a lot on my mind lately. im usually fine at work but for some reason the gym makes me ruminate n i get so frustrated n miserable#by the end of a session and ppl start to annoy me bc they act like they can read me n make wildly wrong assumptions abt how im feeling#and then im reminded that even ppl i consider good friends consistently do the same no one actually knows me at all i guess#and it makes me feel very unloved and upset but whatever its all on me bc i cant communicate in ways other ppl can understand#and i dont trust or feel safe around other ppl so i just alienate myself and fold myself up around the immense distress it causes me yayyy#and ill be thinking this shit at like 8:30pm halfway up a wall and demotivate myself and slip and graze an elbow or whatever#ughhhhhh. and then i cycle the whole way home until i get thru the door and start sobbing idk how many times this is now#i have a stupid headache and im going to be so fucking tired at work tomorrow im going to bed.#its fine really. im not actually depressed anymore i dont think. these are just my regular old wounds ive had since the dawn of time#and i just have this dumbass fucking brain that for some reason instead of giving me endorphins and a high from exercise as a reward#just makes me really sad instead. maybe im just not eating enough around when i workout idk like it could be low blood sugar#and i am mildly worried abt some things bc well. they could be very very difficult for me to deal with if they happen. and if they do#happen well thats good in other ways but i have to be prepared to take some major fucking hits. ive only recently started to feel like ive#mostly recovered from how fucking shite this summer has been after the mental damage done in may/june. i cant spend another season there#can i just catch a fucking break like forever please. and a shoulder to cry into im so touch deprived its unreal who even cares anymore#fine reallt tho i promise just worked myself up innit. ugh. anyway gn#.diaries#.vent
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#personal#ebongawk personal#rant#literally just need to write this down or I’m gonna explode#but my brother got like actually upset with me earlier tonight over something that happened when I was 19#so 11 years ago#bc he gave me his ‘85 beater of a car#(my name was on the title!)#and a lady hit me and it got totaled out#so I gave him half the money thinking well that’s fair bc it’s my car but he did give it to me#and he’s just been harboring all of this anger about it all these years#because I guess that was in fact *his* car#it’s so fucking stupid#and he kept talking about his *generosity*#I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why that bothered me so much until I was driving home#and I realized that#no matter what I said or how I tried to defend myself#he kept implying that my generosity was less significant than his because it wasn’t monetary#despite the fact that I clean his fucking house#and have put so much goddamn money into making it feel like a home#never mind the state of this place when I moved in before I painted and deep cleaned#oh and don’t even fucking mention the *months* of my time I have spent watching his dog *for free* while he was globetrotting#but no#a car that totaled out 11 years ago because of an accident that *wasn’t my fault* makes him the epitome of generosity#gods I’m so mad#I spent my entire goddamn afternoon cleaning my sister’s disaster of an apartment so she hopefully gets some of her deposit back#and then I get reprimanded for something that happened when I was fucking 19#Jesus I’m so tired#this is all such petty bullshit too like we are over 30#fuck
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Feeling deeply tired of my family hours.
#it’s ok#I’m so tired#why don’t you have to watch what you say#no we don’t have to be told to watch what we say#because we have a fucking filter#and we notice people are getting upset before they yell or cry#or at least I fucking do#there’s so much I don’t do and say to not upset you#and I can never tell you because guess what you’ll get upset#everything I do is for this fucking family the only reason don’t kill myself is for your feelings#and you think you’re catering to me#I can’t tell you how I really feel because every time I do you make me feel worse#I never minded no one noticing how hard I try#that was always the point quiet little things to help things go smoother#a mediator a listener#that’s me that’s Klaryssa she just does that she likes it#and I do#I love helps I really do#but I also do it because sometimes it feels like no one else will#mom cleans what no one notices#I say let’s look at this from eachothers point of view#I go hey is that really the best way to say that#I’ve been cleaning up emotional messes for yeaaasrs#and you you go why is it on me to consider your feelings#because that’s what people do#I’m asking you to change your phrasing because it hurts#and you don’t understand why you don’t understand why#you just want to know why#I’ve been trying to explain for years#why is it my fault you still don’t understand
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)
#and i cant even be mad at her because her husband is dead#lol and lmao#anyway the top is now the ugliest greyish minty colour and it looks horrible#normally i wouldnt mind. like there were two white tops and the other also got dyed and idc#but this one had a more unique idc shape? whatever you call that. and it was one of the very few crop tops#that really made me feel good about my body. like not even 'ok i guess i dont look like something that crawled out of a garbage bin'#but genuinely 'good'#and it feels so stupid to be this upset over such a small thing but i feel like ive been at the very limit for the last few days#with everyone fucking crying around me#that this genuinely feels like a tragedy to me rn lol#anyway im being nice and i keep saying its no big deal and nvm but ig you can see that im upset#so now SHE'S mad that I'M mad even tho im not even being a bitch about it im just Sad lol#kms#anyway i feel like shit and it all feels so overwhelming and to think that ill have to spend the long weekend in may here too#my dad and his gf will be at my place in wrocław going to concerts cause there's some sort of festival#all my friends will be chilling and having fun#and i cant even go to prague or vice versa because ill have to be here. having the time of my life with my mother and my grandpa#losing my mind and getting panick attacks in the bathroom lol
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Csm thoughts,,
#Putting these in tags cuz they're rather negative and like this people can ignore this if it shows up on search#anyways today i was showering and had a realization that like#if csm part 2 didn't exist and the manga had ended in chapter 97 i really wouldn't mind that. like at all#because so far there hasn't been anything in part 2 that stuck to me in such a way that i would be upset or miss it if it didn't exist#be it arcs world building (not big on religious allegories. that prophecy stuff really doesn't intrest me at all) or characters#in fact if it did end on the publig safety saga i probably would have liked it better#because then it would have ended and that's it. because part 2 exists i can see the story move foward#with the absence of almost everyone from part 1 and i just. miss them#so reading part 2 in general makes me inherently a little sad#and i feel like that's what blocks me from enjoying it or even growing to care for the new characters from part 2#because i don't care for any of them that much. not even asa and yoru#and this isn't me being mad at the story for killing people off. i think all deaths in part 1 happened exactly where they needed to#and the story is beautifully crafted. i just genuinely miss them#and see denji staggering about looking so tired all the time barely looking like the same guy from part one due to everything that happened#that also makes me fell just. like this pain in my chest that i can't even explain well#i don't dislike part 2 i don't think it's bad#it's just not for me and i don't think that will change anytime soon#tho i will still look up the new chapters because i wanna see what happens. tho if there ever is a part 3 i doubt i will bother reading it#hyena ramblings#rant? i guess?
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#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
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would you guys still love me if i persona2animatic
#bobtalk#p2posting#well. the big problem is i still have to finish ep. i do like rotating the images in my brain though....#but ughghughg i have so much stuff i want/have to do actually...#but ... im thinking about it ... im thinking about it so hard ...#not completely related but the suoubrothers are actually killing me lately. on my mind.#randomly thought about eptatsuya in the middle of class and got really sad LOLL#i just need to get good timing on the crazybrain-not-in-an-upset-way+free time+physically able 2 draw. then maybe...#<-has been saying this for months. hashtag sad#ok um. obligatory complain moment: society if the gameplay in 2 was less tedious>>> SORRY i love the duology but....i have 2 use a walkthru#n that adds a lot of friction to being able to get thru it >.< i will tho!!! i love these games!!! aghghgh#someday ill get a big artthing done again and until then i guess ill just keep making gomics hehe :P
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