#i just. it's been on my mind and it's upsetting me i guess
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when you have to go on bed rest — park sunghoon
frustrated and emotional reader, stuck on bed rest during pregnancy, opens up to caring husband, sunghoon. overwhelmed, she asks him to hold her, seeking solace in his embrace as he gently reassures her, reminding her of her strength. [wc. 1.4k]
PAIRING. husband!sunghoon x preg!wife!reader
GENRE. reader is feeling hurt, so angsty fluff
NOTE. this has been sitting in my drafts for about a month now and i’ve been contemplating whether to post it or not.. but here i am guess
you hated being on bed rest.
every minute of it felt like a punishment. you were used to being on your feet, handling things your way, but now you were confined to your room, relying on everyone else to do what you couldn’t. and while your logical mind understood that it was for the baby, the emotional weight of it all was suffocating.
you sat propped against the headboard, arms crossed, staring out the window like it had personally wronged you. the ache in your back had returned, your legs felt stiff, and your mood was steadily getting worse.
the sound of the door opening broke you out of your sulk. sunghoon stepped inside, holding a glass of water in one hand and a small plate of sliced fruit in the other.
“you didn’t eat much earlier,” he said, setting the plate on the bedside table.
“i wasn’t hungry,” you muttered, avoiding his eyes.
he frowned slightly but didn’t push. “you still need to eat something.”
you sighed, glancing at the plate but not making a move to pick it up. the simple act of eating felt exhausting, and your frustration only grew.
sunghoon lingered for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed. he didn’t say anything, his gaze quietly observing you.
“what?” you snapped, sharper than you meant to.
he shook his head, unfazed. “you just seem upset.”
“of course i’m upset, hoon!” you burst out, throwing your hands up. “i’m stuck in this stupid bed all day. i can’t even get up to get my own water. my body hurts. my head hurts. and—” your voice wavered, “—and i feel so useless.”
his expression softened, but he didn’t interrupt. he just let you spill it all out.
“i can’t even…” you trailed off, your hands trembling as you clenched them into fists. “i don’t know. i feel horrible. and i don’t want to talk about it, but i can’t keep it in either. i just—”
you broke off, your throat tightening as tears threatened to spill.
sunghoon hesitated for a split second before shifting closer, his hand hovering like he wasn’t sure if you wanted to be touched.
“can you just… hold me?” you whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. “please?”
his eyes softened further, and without a word, he slipped his arm around your shoulders, gently guiding you against his chest.
the warmth of his body, the steady rise and fall of his breathing—it was grounding. you let out a shaky breath, your fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt as the dam finally broke.
“i feel like such a mess,” you mumbled, your voice muffled against him.
“you’re not a mess,” he said quietly, his voice calm and certain. “you’re just overwhelmed. it’s okay.”
his hand moved slowly, rubbing soothing circles on your back. he didn’t try to fix anything or offer solutions—he just let you cry, let you feel.
“i don’t know how much more of this i can take,” you admitted, your voice cracking.
“you don’t have to take it alone,” he said simply. “i’m here.”
it was such a sunghoon thing to say—straightforward, without unnecessary embellishments. but somehow, that made it more comforting.
“i hate being like this,” you whispered. “so… weak.”
he pulled back just enough to look at you, his brow furrowed. “you’re not weak,” he said, his tone firmer now. “you’re growing a whole human inside you. that’s… incredible.”
you let out a humorless laugh, shaking your head. “doesn’t feel incredible.”
“doesn’t mean it’s not,” he countered, his fingers brushing a stray tear from your cheek. “and even if you feel like you’re falling apart, it’s okay. i’ll hold you together, for as long as you need.”
you looked at him, your chest tightening at the sincerity in his eyes.
“thank you,” you whispered, leaning into his touch.
he didn’t respond with words, just wrapped his arms around you again, holding you close like you were the most important thing in the world.
and for the first time that day, the frustration in your chest eased, just a little. enough to remind you that you weren’t alone in this.
© jaysng 2024 | do not repost or plagiarize.
#enhypen#enhypen imagines#enhypen x reader#enhypen scenarios#enhypen fluff#enha#sunghoon#park sunghoon fluff#park sunghoon#enhypen sunghoon
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They talked about this before it started, that if it got to be much for anything, they would talk about it. Steve would understand. He always did, especially since he was afraid himself. Eddie's panic attacks were happening more frequently, and what happened over spring break was still fresh in everyone's minds. It was difficult for Eddie to breathe, and Steve knew it was coming, and Eddie did too. They could feel it when they touched, kissed, and fucked. They were already mourning a relationship that was never supposed to be serious in the first place. The next morning, Eddie told him that his band wanted to go on the road.
"I figured," Steve said, picking at his blanket.
"You're not mad?" Eddie asked.
"Of course not," Steve said. "This town is killing you, Eddie, I couldn't ask you to stay."
"You could ask," Eddie shrugged.
"You wouldn't say yes, and I wouldn't want you to resent me for staying," Steve said.
"You could come with me," Eddie said.
"You know that I can't leave the kids until they graduate," Steve said.
"And I can?" Eddie asked.
"Yes," Steve said. "You want to go. Do you want to go?"
"I do," Eddie said, swallowing thickly.
"I don't want to hold you back," Steve replied.
"You could never," Eddie said and paused. "I suppose you really can't have it all. You're right, I suppose I can't stay. I know I should have said. . .but I guess you could already tell. This town is killing me and not even you - which is crazy because you're Steve fucking Harrington. You're the most beautiful man alive. Inside and out."
Steve pulled him into a deep kiss, pouring everything he had into it. He could taste salty tears on his tongue. He couldn't tell who was crying more. Steve pulled back with a gasp.
"Eddie, I - " Steve closed his mouth and said nothing.
The next day, they said another goodbye, this time in front of everyone. It wasn't nearly as intimate. No one knew they were fucking. They had still been figuring things out about themselves, and Eddie hadn't been quite ready to label himself or tell anyone. Steve couldn't even tell Robin. The day after Eddie left, Steve took off to another bar outside of Hawkins. He couldn't go to the Hideout, too many memories, and he couldn't explain to people why he was drowning his sorrows. Steve was having a lot more difficult time than he had thought he would, and he respected Eddie's choice but it was killing him that he was gone, that there was an empty spot in his bed. He couldn't even tell Robin why he was so heartbroken. The best thing about this bar was that it was attached to a motel, so he was planning on getting drunk and finding his way to the room he rented. Of course, that's where he met Tiffany, who was just as heartbroken as he was. . .
"Steve, Steeeeve," Robin sang.
"Ugh, Robin, go away, my head is killing me," Steve said.
"Yeah, that's probably because you drank half the motel bar," Robin said.
"How are you here?" He asked, burying his head deeper into the pillow.
"You gave the girl you slept with my phone number, and you told her to let me know if you accidentally died," Robin said.
"I'm not dead," Steve groaned.
"No, but you look it," Robin scoffed. "You're going to need to check out soon."
"Where's - " Steve asked, looking up. "Tiffany?"
"Yeah. She left," Robin said.
"That's probably good for her," Steve said. "Ooh. I'm going to puke. Yeah, no, wait - yeah, I'm going puke."
He slipped out of the bed, butt naked, and ran to the bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach.
"Jesus, what the hell? I thought you were done with one night stands?" Robin asked.
"I just - yeah, I mean, I was but then - FUCK!" Steve yelled and then he burst into tears.
Robin frowned and grabbed a sheet of the bed, tossing it over him. She cleaned his mouth, sat on the floor, and pulled his head into her lap.
"Steve?" Robin asked. "I know you and Eddie have gotten close, but I didn't think you'd be this upset that he left. Jesus, how are you going to handle me going off to college? Shit, I put my foot in my mouth again, didn't I? Was that a little insensitive? Steve?"
"I'm in love with him," Steve sobbed, and then everything came pouring out. "I'm sorry and shit, I think I need to apologize to Eddie because I shouldn't have told you."
"Hey, hey, slow down. I think he'd understand," Robin said softly. "There's a lot to process here. I'm sorry, babe, I should have known."
"It's not your fault," Steve said. "I'm just so stupid."
"It's not your fault either," Robin said. "It was just a sticky situation for the both of you. And if you ever call my best friend stupid again, I'm going to beat you up. Only I'm allowed to call you a dingus, okay?"
"Okay," Steve said and laughed.
"Come on, let's get you home. . .dingus," Robin said.
Steve smiled. She always said dingus like she was saying I love you. God, she was his best friend.
"Dingus," Steve said, and Robin laughed.
"You're so drunk," she giggled. "Come on, Popeye."
It was a difficult time for Steve over the next few months, even more difficult than when he got over Nancy Wheeler. Maybe because he had allowed himself to be more vulnerable than he ever had with Nancy, and maybe in doing so, he had fallen harder for Eddie. With Robin's help, he was able to move forward. It helped that he had sold and moved out of his parents' place. They didn't think he could sell the place, but he proved them wrong. And with the money, he was able to tuck a lot of it away and move into a comfortable two bedroom apartment, an apartment that he was allowed to decorate however he wanted. After nearly a year, he was in a good place when things decided to turn upside down again for Steve. We'll, roughly 9 months later, to be a little more precise. . .
"Oh my god! I can't believe you forgot to buy me my favorite chips! After I came all this way to visit you!" Robin yelled.
"If you would move stuff around, you'll find them!" Steve exclaimed as he set up the movie.
"Oh, there they are! I knew you still loved me," Robin said.
Steve rolled his eyes as Robin came into the living room, her arms laden with snacks. She unceremoniously dumped them on the table.
"I'm glad you were able to pull yourself away from Vickie long enough to visit me before heading back to Chicago," Steve said.
"I can prioritize between the romantic love of my life and the platonic love of my life," Robin said.
Steve and Robin snuggled into each other, their matching pajamas firmly in place, as they settled in for the evening. Just as they were about to start the movie, Steve got the phone call. Robin watched as Steve could only give one words answers before finally putting the phone back down, his face pale.
"Steve?" Robin asked.
"We're going to have to cut the evening short," Steve said.
"What? But we've been planning this evening for weeks - "
"Robin, I'm a dad."
They drove to Indianapolis, where Tiffany had given birth, and now they were standing in the nursery, staring at the swaddled baby right in front of them. Tiffany had already left the hospital by the time they arrived.
"She's so tiny," Steve said breathlessly.
"And pink," Robin said. "She doesn't have a name yet. Do you have any ideas?"
"I - I don't know," Steve said.
"Do you want to keep her?" Robin asked.
"Yeah, I know it's crazy, but I want her," Steve said as he took her hand in his, letting her tiny hand wrap around his finger. "More than anything."
"You think of a name while I take your credit card and go get some supplies for your little chicken nugget," Robin said, squeezing his shoulder. "You're going to be a great dad."
Robin pressed a kiss to his hair, cooed at the baby, and then quickly left them alone. Steve watched his daughter wiggle in her blanket and listened to the noises she made, her little tongue darting out every so often. He watched as her brow furrowed in confusion. It must be so confusing to come into this world, not knowing who you are, where you are, and taken from the only place you've ever known. Steve placed a hand on her chest.
"It's okay, I'm here," Steve whispered, and he smiled when she calmed down a bit.
"You can pick her up, you know," the nurse said.
Steve almost jumped. He forgot he wasn't alone in the room. A friendly faced hispanic nurse was there, chuckling at him.
"I know, I just don't want to - she's so small," Steve said.
"Every good parent is afraid of dropping them," the nurse said. "Come sit over here."
Steve sat down in the rocking chair and watched as she picked up his daughter. He glanced at her name tag. Sofia. She placed the baby carefully into his waiting arms. He gasped in delight, the feeling of holding her overwhelming him in a very good way. Was he crying?
"Thanks, Nurse Sofia," Steve said.
"She looks good in your arms," Sofia said.
"She feels good. Feels right," he muttered. "She's so wonderful. Hey, there. I'm your dad. I know, it's crazy. Don't feel intimated by my hair. You're bald now, kiddo, but it'll grow. . .and even if it doesn't, I'll still love you. . .oh, I'm suddenly terrified. I am going to mess her up."
"Hush, you're going to be fine," Sofia said.
Steve watched as the baby's head started to move around, as though she was looking for something and she started to whimper.
"I think she's hungry," Steve said.
"See? Your instincts are already kicking in," Sofia said.
Steve smiled. Sofia reminded him of both Claudia and Sue. Oh, speaking of them. . .they're going to freak when they find out Steve made them grandmothers. Sophia left to go the formula and came back with it pretty quickly. She showed him how to hold it so the baby wouldn't choke.
"Thank you," Steve said. "I really appreciate it. . .oh, she's really going to town. Yeah, she was hungry."
"She goes after it like my four boys did," Sofia said.
"You have four boys?" Steve asked.
"Oh, yeah, they're a handful, but I love them. Supposedly, girls are easier, but I think that's bullshit," Sofia scoffed.
"Oh, girls are just as much of a handful. I babysit a group of teenagers," Steve said.
"Then you have some practice under your belt," Sofia said. "I always thought that if I had a girl, I'd name her Elizabeth. Never happened, but I'm happy with my boys, more than enough for me."
"Elizabeth," Steve whispered.
"Does that name mean something to you?" She asked. "It sounds like it."
It was Eddie's mother's name. He remembered him talking about her all the time, how she died when he was six, and how he got his love of his music from her. Eddie always wished he could have had more time with her.
"Elizabeth," Steve whispered to his daughter, and he smiled.
"Elizabeth Robin?"
"Of course, I named her after you," Steve scoffed.
"Oh my sweet little baby bird," Robin cooed. "I can't believe I have to go back to school soon. . .as her godmother, shouldn't I get like godmaternity leave?"
"Yeah, I don't think they do that," Steve said.
"Well, they should," Robin said.
"Yeah, I'll get right on that," Steve said.
"If you love your child, you would," Robin said. "By the way, Tiffany left you a letter at the front desk. They gave it to me."
Together, they got Elizabeth into the car seat and then into the car with Robin in the driver's seat, bringing her home. . .
Dear Steve,
I hope that night meant a lot to you as it did to me. I wanted to face you and tell you so many times, but I'm kind of a coward. I think we were both very heartbroken that night, and I hope you found the same comfort in me that I did in you. It gave the courage that I needed to face who I truly am.
I feel like something greater than ourselves brought us together that night. I was just a mere vessel. . .I know you wanted to be with someone else. You called out their name, and you said it like a declaration of love. I wasn't meant to be a mother, not yet. This isn't my baby. I hope that everything works out and that you feel it as much as I do. I was glad to help you and be a part of this journey. Don't wait too long to be honest with yourself.
Sincerely, Tiffany
"A mere vessel? What the hell does that mean?" Steve asked.
"Fuck if I know."
A YEAR AND THREE MONTHS LATER. . .
Eddie scowled, his ear pressed to the phone, as Dustin went on about Steve’s new special girl in his life. How many times did Eddie have to say that he didn't want to hear about it? He swore that Dustin's ears were only there for decoration.
"Yeah, yeah, that's great that this Liddie person likes Robin more than you, but I need to tell you something, and you can't say anything to Steve," Eddie said. "You can't say anything to anyone."
"Ooh, a secret, lay it on me, and by the way, her name is - " Dustin started to say.
"Okay, whatever. I don't care. I'm surprising Steve and coming home for his birthday," Eddie said.
"Oh, shit! He'll love that. He's missed you like crazy. We all have," Dustin said. "If you get in late, make sure it's before 7 because that's when he puts her to bed."
"He gives her a bedtime?" Eddie asked.
"Of course, he does! It would be completely irresponsible to let her go to bed whenever she wanted to. She needs a schedule, Eddie," Dustin said.
"That sounds a little controlling, but okay," Eddie said.
"Well, what time would you give her?" He asked.
"I wouldn't give her a bedtime at all!" Eddie shrieked.
"Eddie! You can't do that!" Dustin exclaimed.
"Look, just don't ruin the surprise, okay?" Eddie asked before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.
Yeah, he was definitely going to win Steve back because, honestly, this new relationship of his sounded a bit messy, and Steve deserved better than that. How much trouble could this girl be that she needed a bedtime? She has to be the one that's trouble. . .right? Steve Harrington couldn't have lost his way. There's no way he would have turned to the dark side after he left. Either way, Eddie needed to intervene.
"Okay, okay, you can do this," Eddie breathed.
He looked at the address written on the piece of paper and checked it again. He was in the right place. He didn't waste any time after visiting with Wayne. Steve’s apartment was his second place to visit. Eddie took another deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Coming!" Steve yelled, and then he heard muffled laughter from Steve. "Lizzie! Stop barking! You're not a dog! I'm going to have to talk to Robin about teaching you that."
Steve opened the door, and he nearly stumbled back at the sight of Eddie. Steve was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt of Eddie's. . .to Eddie's delight. His hair was longer, and he had quite a bit more scruff to him. Eddie was also pleased to see that he was wearing his glasses.
"Hey, Stevie," Eddie said, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"Eddie," Steve breathed.
They've talked on the phone and written each other letters but it was definitely better seeing each other in person.
"I wanted to surprise you for your birthday," Eddie said. "Surprise!"
"My birthday isn't until next week," Steve said in amusement.
"So, I came early," Eddie said, and then he smirked. "It's not like I haven't done that before. . .but then, you know that."
"Eddie," Steve scolded, but he was smiling and blushing. "Come on in."
"Don't mind if I do," Eddie said, stepping over the threshold. "So, where's this girl of yours? . . . Liddie? I want to meet her."
"She's in the living room, and her name is Lizzie," Steve corrected, laughing. "Come on."
Eddie followed behind Steve, enjoying the view as he did so. When he walked into the living room, all he saw was a playpen with a little girl inside. Was Steve in the middle of babysitting?
"I don't see her," Eddie frowned.
"Lizzie's right there, Eddie," Steve laughed, pointing at the crib.
"Oh my god! Steve!" Eddie yelled, appalled.
"Uh?" Lizzie asked, looking up from chewing on her teddy bear.
"Yeah, I know, I have a daughter," Steve said. "Surprise! Although, I thought you knew."
"A daughter! Oh, oh, thank god!" Eddie said, clutching his chest.
"What were you thinking?" Steve asked in confusion.
"Uh, never mind what I was thinking," Eddie said, blushing. "So, a daughter, huh? How old?"
"A year and three months," Steve said proudly.
"Oh, wow," Eddie said with a grin.
"Yeah. Time flies, and it seems like only it was only yesterday that I was in the hospital with her. . .holding her for the first time," Steve said.
A year and three months. Eddie looked at the kid. She was cute with curly brown hair and big brown eyes. Apart from that, she looked almost exactly like Steve. Eddie chuckled. It almost looked like they had a baby together. A year and three months. A year and three months?! Eddie did the math in his head. They had sex right before Eddie left, which meant that Lizzie would have had to have been concieved sometime around there. Lizzie. . .Elizabeth. . .oh, after his mom?
"Oh my god," Eddie whispered softly and grabbed his arms. "Steve. . .Steve, is she mine?"
"Eddie," Steve said slowly. "I want you to really think about what you just said."
"I am thinking about it! I'm thinking about you going through all that alone!" Eddie exclaimed. "You had to deliver her without me there to hold your hand!"
"Eddie, I didn't - "
"I'm such an idiot! I never should have left, I mean, I could have toughed it out a few more years!" Eddie shrieked.
"Eddie, I swear - "
"Oh, my god, and even though I wasn't there for you, you still named our daughter after my mother," Eddie rambled.
"If you would just stop for a minute and listen - "
"Steve!" Eddie said, grabbing his arms. "Was it the bat bites? Because I slept with a guy like a month ago, and it was only because he was wearing a polo like you! I also slept with a girl. . .she had hair like yours! Can girls also get me pregnant?! Do I have to take a pregnancy test?. . .Lizzie, sweetheart, I think you're going to be a big sister!"
"Arf! Arf!" Lizzie barked.
Eddie bent over, putting his head between his legs as his mind spun around in circles. He felt Steve grab him and drag him into the kitchen. Steve yanked off his vest and jacket, tossing them onto the counter. He turned on the faucet, grabbed Eddie's head, and shoved it under the water. Eddie shrieked.
"Okay! Okay!"
Steve turned off the water and let him up. Eddie scowled as he rung out his hair.
"Are you done?" Steve asked.
"Yeah, thanks, I needed that," Eddie said.
"Lizzie is not your daughter," Steve said.
"She's not?" Eddie asked, with wide eyes.
"Okay, with you looking at me like that, I kinda regret saying that," Steve said with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Eddie."
"No, fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left," Eddie said. "I think I just regret doing that."
"Eddie, this town was suffocating you," Steve said. "You needed to leave."
"Did I, though?" Eddie asked. "Wayne managed to tough it out here."
"You need to stop beating yourself up for reacting to a bad situation that was out of your control," Steve said.
"I regretted the minute I left, but I was already out there on the road with the boys," Eddie said. "I loved it, but I think I might have left my heart behind here."
"You want to stay?" Steve asked.
"If you'll take me back," Eddie said.
"It's hard to say no when you're looking all sad and wet like that," Steve said.
"I want to stay anyway, even if you don't want to take me back," Eddie said.
"I have missed you every single minute of every single day," Steve said. "I haven't stopped loving you or hoping we'll find our way back to each other."
"I love you," Eddie whispered.
"I love you, too," Steve said.
Eddie grabbed him by the waist and kissed him. He felt Steve smiling into the kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck. He pressed Steve up against the counter, melting into him like butter. He broke the kiss, crossing to press thousands of tiny kisses all over Steve’s face. Steve giggled and pushed him back.
"Will Lizzie's mother have a problem with this?" Eddie asked.
"Oh, she's not in the picture. Hold on," Steve said.
He left and came back to Eddie, putting his hair into a towel. He handed Eddie a letter.
"What's this?" Eddie asked, sitting on a stool.
"The day after you left, I went to a hotel bar, drank it, and met a woman who was just as heartbroken as I was," Steve said. "We slept together and nine months later, Lizzie was born."
"A mere vessel," Eddie cackled after reading it. "I like her. She sounds like me."
"She also looks like you," Steve blushed.
"Okay, so we went the long way around, but we got here," Eddie laughed. "She is my daughter."
"What?" Steve asked.
"In every other way except biologically, Elizabeth is mine. I mean, you even named her after my mother," Eddie said.
"Yeah, I did do that," he blushed.
Eddie pulled Steve in between his legs, wrapping his arms around his waist. He studied his face, drinking in every inch of skin, every mole. . .God, he loved this man.
"Steve Harrington, if you want me to, I want to be your baby daddy," Eddie sighed.
"I do," Steve smiled.
Eddie flashed his dimples and smacked Steve’s ass.
"Well, introduce me to our daughter, big boy," Eddie said.
Steve laughed and pulled him up off the stool. Holding his hand, he pulled him down the hall. Eddie stopped him before pulling the towel off his head and fixing his hair. He straightened his shirt.
"What are you doing?" Steve asked, his hands on his hips.
"I want to look good," Eddie said, and then he gasped. "Steve, what if she doesn't like me?"
"Eddie, she barks like a dog. She's going to love you," Steve said.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Eddie asked, and Steve just shook his head.
Eddie followed Steve into the living room, where Lizzie had moved onto a cloth book. Her little tongue was out as her little finger traced the words as though she was trying to teach herself how to read. Eddie smiled. She glanced up and smiled at Eddie then at Steve.
"Dada?" Lizzie asked and held her hands up towards Steve.
Steve pulled her out of the playpen and put her on his hip. Holy fuck, Eddie thought, he looks totally hot.
"Lizzie, this is Eddie. He's going to be your other Dada," Steve said.
"Dada?" Lizzie asked, confused.
"You get two!" Steve exclaimed, pointing to himself and then to Eddie.
"Two Dadas!" Lizzie clapped.
"Wow, she caught on quick," Eddie said.
"Yeah, she's smart. I'm still not sure how much she understands," Steve said.
Lizzie leaned over Steve’s arms and reached towards Eddie. He grinned and took Lizzie into his arms.
"Hi," Eddie whispered.
"Hi," Lizzie said.
"Hi."
"Hi," Lizzie said, and then she giggled.
She reached over and started licking Eddie's cheek. Eddie cackled.
"Yeah, we definitely should talk to Robin about this. She can't go around licking people," Eddie giggled.
"Dada! Dada! Dada!" Lizzie shrieked as she bounced on his hip.
"Ooh! I wonder - ," Eddie gasped.
"What are you thinking about?" Steve asked.
Eddie set Lizzie on the floor and sprawled out in front of her.
"Okay, can you raise your little fingers like this?" Eddie said as he raised his pointer fingers to his head to make horns.
Lizzie blinked at him. She reached over and grabbed Eddie's hair.
"Ah!" Lizzie screamed.
"No, baby, no!" Eddie said while Steve laughed.
Eddie eventually guided her gently and got her to make little horns while sticking out her tongue. It wasn't perfect, but she managed it with Eddie's help. Luckily, it took Eddie long enough for Steve to get a camera.
"Good job, daddy," Steve said.
He leaned down and kissed Eddie. Lizzie shrieked and pushed Steve off Eddie. She scrunched up her face at them before hugging Eddie.
"No, Daddy, don't do that," Eddie laughed. "That's gross. . .Thanks for saving me, baby."
"I ordered dinner. . .Are you gonna stay the night?" Steve asked.
"I'm going to stay forever," Eddie said as he hugged Lizzie to him.
After dinner, Eddie happily helped Steve give Lizzie a bath before throwing a colander over a flashlight in Lizzie's room to make stars. He laid down on the floor with Lizzie curled up between him and Steve, her eyes getting heavy.
". . .so I opened my eyes and wondered if I was floating. I realized a moment later that a beautiful man was carrying me out of hell. He was begging me to stay with him, and I did want to stay with him, but I didn't know why. He spent the next few weeks taking care of me, and I spent the same amount of time trying to fight the fact that I was falling for him, a man. It wasn't until the town had run me out that I realized I was in love with him. When I came back, I realized I never wanted to leave him again. . . That man, of course, was your daddy. So, the next time I go on the road, it's going to be with you and your daddy in an RV. Your daddy is going to be playing obnoxious music, so I apologize in advance."
"Hey, your music is not obnoxious," Steve said.
"I was talking about yours," Eddie grinned.
"Hey!" Steve exclaimed, slapping his chest.
"Shh! Steve, our daughter is asleep. . .what is that sound?!"
"Yeah, she snores," Steve said.
"My god, that's the loudest sound I have heard from someone so tiny."
"Hey, Eddie," Steve whispered.
"Yeah?"
"We're a family," Steve said and Eddie leaned over Lizzie's head to kiss him.
" . . . And they all lived happily ever after. . ."
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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y'all i slept for 21+ hours uninterrupted? haven't done that in a a while.
#i did take extra trazodone bc taking it the first time is what triggered immediate vomitting lol i guess it still managed to take effect#i didnt even think it had time to reach my stomach or anything that's wild#unless i just slept that long bc i was so ill#that happens too#tyrell knew i was asleep that whole time and she didnt let arlo out give him food or anything :(((#he just held it im so sad#i know she cant feed him his food bc he wont let her but she could have brought him human snacks or dog treats from outside of the room :(#i know helping with their dogs is how i earn my keep since i dont help with the mortgage but like#he's a libing creature and his parent is essentially comatose how could you just leave him to hold it for nearly an entire day :(#he's too polite to wake me even if i were wakeable#is it reasonable to be upset about that?#we function as a family not as roommates#arlo is very often left out of familial things#keep in mind though arlo chomps tyrell sometimes#but not when shes letting him outside and stuff its only if like#like she cant put a cone on him#but she can do normal things like bringing him outside and stuff and she says shes not afraid of him#and has admitted that it's been her fault for the chomps bc she wasnt watching for the signals#what im saying is its not dangerous for her to let him out and she is not afraid to do so#she does when i ask her to when im very ill#but i couldnt ask while unconscious
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this isn’t a new hot take of mine but it still blows my MIND that I’m in the minority in the kyman fandom when it comes to thinking of Kyle as a dom/top and Cartman as a sub/bottom. From what I’ve heard from veteran kymans the fandom barely had ANY sub Cartman truthers in its earlier years, and dom Cartman is still extremely popular to this day. There's so much art/fics where Kyle is like... a pain slut (????) or gagging for Cartman’s giant dick (?????????) but any time I see that stuff I get a visceral, skin-crawling HELL FUCKING NO 😬😬😬 reaction and have to back out immediately.
A mutual once told me something like “I can’t write Cartman as a dom, I think I’d break out in hives or something” and that’s p much exactly how I feel lmao 😆
y'all do you ig, but it's not my cup of tea at all.
#it's just. completely baffling to me#I've been seeing so much of it lately that it's making me second-guess my own thoughts on kyman#like how could I possibly be interpreting these characters so differently from other people I don't get it 🫠#and yeah i know not all tops are doms and not all bottoms are subs but that's how the majority of ppl depict it#but it's not even that they HAVE to have a dom/sub dynamic at all for it to seem ic to me#they can have an equal partnership without that D/s power exchange#blargh i'm just venting at this point#tbf ppl can do what they want in fandom and I don't have to engage with it but i'm so starving for kyman content the brainrot is too much#i used to not mind seeing sadist/dom/top cartman when I first dipped my toe into kyman#like it wasn't my fav but i wouldn't viscerally hate it#but now that i've gotten to know the characters so much more and even written my own fic i just. can't tolerate it anymore#maybe i need to take a break from kyman for a bit cuz this is making me irrationally annoyed and upset 🫠 blarrghhh#my post
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some ccs are just straight up nuts there’s no other explanation
#saw a comment on r/dwt2 and it made me look into the moonzy/draggie situation#this freak accused him of having ‘grooming tendencies’ when he was YOUNGER than her#he showed all their DMs and it was just reciprocated flirting ??#he was initiated more but it seemed reciprocal to me?#she just got mad at him bc he replied to one of her tweets where she was flirting with Karl with ‘ouch’#<- replied in DMs I mean#I guess bc she thought the flirting was a joke ??#how is this an ‘experience’ you need to speak up about im loosing my mind#‘guy flirted with me I flirted back but I wasn’t really interested pls show ur sympathies and like and subscribe🥺’#and in her statement she was talking about an anon who came out about their experiences prior#saying they had been groomed but draggie had fully debunked that years ago#so idk why she was bringing that up ??#and ofc you have aim.sey and max and sniff in the replies with their heart emojis#straight up nuts I’m losing brain cells here#btw she’s the one who said something about how a lot of ccs didn’t support her#including big ones from that ‘stupid mine.craft server’ (meaning dsmp obv)#just nuts straight up nuts#negativity#like I have to be missing something (and if I am pls tell me but I don’t think I am???)#because saying this cringe flirting with someone YOUNGER THAN YOUUU is ‘groomer tendencies’ is fucking nuts#it’s just what is with these people like what’s wrong with them#why does mildly uncomfortable experience = horrible predator we need to inform the public about bc they’re a danger to society#sorry I’m done I’m just actually upset lol
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At the anger stage of realising I have childhood trauma
#for the longest time I didnt even register that what ive been through probably counts as trauma#especially because i was doing the comparison thing#like all my friends had fucking???? awful parents and I was here pimping mine out because they were supportive of my being queer#and they were supportive of a lot of things growing up#but also there was a lot of stuff that im now realising was Not okay#and that actually just because there were good things that doesnt negate the fucking emotional problems I had growing up#anyway im just angry that I now have to fix this shit if I wanna try and live a life#personal#raven rambles#like im sorry youre upset that i dont have a traditional job parents#and im sorry that I have struggled so much and that Ive been so listless about my life because of things I didnt understand#i understand them now and Guess What!!!! theyre most likely inherited FROM YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!#youre upset that im not the person I could have been WELL SO FUCKING AM I#AND NOW IM ANGRY THAT YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT#when i was BEGGING YOU FOR FUCKING HELP AT 14#WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME!???#WHY DIDNT YOU FUCKING BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD YOU I WASNT OKAY!?????#All these psychs and gps telling me I have excellent insight into my own fucking mind and my own emotions is so validating#but also so fucking anger inducing#because for so long I was trained TO NOT FUCKING TRUST MYSELF#but actually i have very good fucking insight apparently#so I love you parents#but also fuck you#fuck you fuck you fuck you#I think ive pinpointed why I have been feeling like smashing plates a lot recently#anyway ya boy has a mental health plan booked huzzah!
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i thought i had left school behind me a while ago but i guess my brain hasnt got the memo yet because it went "nuh-uh-uh. its time to dream about FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL ALL THE TIME☺️☺️ !!!"
i have not seen a school stablishment in over a year AND I DO NOT EVEN LIKE SCHOOL IM NOT IN IT ANYMORE I GRADUATED JUST MONTHS AGO WHY AM I STILL DREAMING OF ENTERING HIGH SCHOOL😭😭 GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!! /lh
#not art#I TALK!!!#just weeks ago i was staring at back at school posters like. damn poor fellas good thing im not there anymore#BUT NAH MY BRAIN SAID. WE JOINING TOO. LETS DREAM ABOUT ENTERING SCHOOL AGAIN#them commercials must be getting to me i swear😭 i look at em and im. NO!!!!!!#partially upset because these dreams havin me second guess if i miss school or not SOMETHING ID RATHER NOT BE IN MY MIND BEFORE COLLEGE#getting too concerned abojt what could have been of my high school years after the fact is going to be tbe end of me#THESE DREAMS DO NOT HELP!!! GET OUT!!!#maybe i have not left school behind me
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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#personal#ebongawk personal#rant#literally just need to write this down or I’m gonna explode#but my brother got like actually upset with me earlier tonight over something that happened when I was 19#so 11 years ago#bc he gave me his ‘85 beater of a car#(my name was on the title!)#and a lady hit me and it got totaled out#so I gave him half the money thinking well that’s fair bc it’s my car but he did give it to me#and he’s just been harboring all of this anger about it all these years#because I guess that was in fact *his* car#it’s so fucking stupid#and he kept talking about his *generosity*#I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why that bothered me so much until I was driving home#and I realized that#no matter what I said or how I tried to defend myself#he kept implying that my generosity was less significant than his because it wasn’t monetary#despite the fact that I clean his fucking house#and have put so much goddamn money into making it feel like a home#never mind the state of this place when I moved in before I painted and deep cleaned#oh and don’t even fucking mention the *months* of my time I have spent watching his dog *for free* while he was globetrotting#but no#a car that totaled out 11 years ago because of an accident that *wasn’t my fault* makes him the epitome of generosity#gods I’m so mad#I spent my entire goddamn afternoon cleaning my sister’s disaster of an apartment so she hopefully gets some of her deposit back#and then I get reprimanded for something that happened when I was fucking 19#Jesus I’m so tired#this is all such petty bullshit too like we are over 30#fuck
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Feeling deeply tired of my family hours.
#it’s ok#I’m so tired#why don’t you have to watch what you say#no we don’t have to be told to watch what we say#because we have a fucking filter#and we notice people are getting upset before they yell or cry#or at least I fucking do#there’s so much I don’t do and say to not upset you#and I can never tell you because guess what you’ll get upset#everything I do is for this fucking family the only reason don’t kill myself is for your feelings#and you think you’re catering to me#I can’t tell you how I really feel because every time I do you make me feel worse#I never minded no one noticing how hard I try#that was always the point quiet little things to help things go smoother#a mediator a listener#that’s me that’s Klaryssa she just does that she likes it#and I do#I love helps I really do#but I also do it because sometimes it feels like no one else will#mom cleans what no one notices#I say let’s look at this from eachothers point of view#I go hey is that really the best way to say that#I’ve been cleaning up emotional messes for yeaaasrs#and you you go why is it on me to consider your feelings#because that’s what people do#I’m asking you to change your phrasing because it hurts#and you don’t understand why you don’t understand why#you just want to know why#I’ve been trying to explain for years#why is it my fault you still don’t understand
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)
#and i cant even be mad at her because her husband is dead#lol and lmao#anyway the top is now the ugliest greyish minty colour and it looks horrible#normally i wouldnt mind. like there were two white tops and the other also got dyed and idc#but this one had a more unique idc shape? whatever you call that. and it was one of the very few crop tops#that really made me feel good about my body. like not even 'ok i guess i dont look like something that crawled out of a garbage bin'#but genuinely 'good'#and it feels so stupid to be this upset over such a small thing but i feel like ive been at the very limit for the last few days#with everyone fucking crying around me#that this genuinely feels like a tragedy to me rn lol#anyway im being nice and i keep saying its no big deal and nvm but ig you can see that im upset#so now SHE'S mad that I'M mad even tho im not even being a bitch about it im just Sad lol#kms#anyway i feel like shit and it all feels so overwhelming and to think that ill have to spend the long weekend in may here too#my dad and his gf will be at my place in wrocław going to concerts cause there's some sort of festival#all my friends will be chilling and having fun#and i cant even go to prague or vice versa because ill have to be here. having the time of my life with my mother and my grandpa#losing my mind and getting panick attacks in the bathroom lol
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Csm thoughts,,
#Putting these in tags cuz they're rather negative and like this people can ignore this if it shows up on search#anyways today i was showering and had a realization that like#if csm part 2 didn't exist and the manga had ended in chapter 97 i really wouldn't mind that. like at all#because so far there hasn't been anything in part 2 that stuck to me in such a way that i would be upset or miss it if it didn't exist#be it arcs world building (not big on religious allegories. that prophecy stuff really doesn't intrest me at all) or characters#in fact if it did end on the publig safety saga i probably would have liked it better#because then it would have ended and that's it. because part 2 exists i can see the story move foward#with the absence of almost everyone from part 1 and i just. miss them#so reading part 2 in general makes me inherently a little sad#and i feel like that's what blocks me from enjoying it or even growing to care for the new characters from part 2#because i don't care for any of them that much. not even asa and yoru#and this isn't me being mad at the story for killing people off. i think all deaths in part 1 happened exactly where they needed to#and the story is beautifully crafted. i just genuinely miss them#and see denji staggering about looking so tired all the time barely looking like the same guy from part one due to everything that happened#that also makes me fell just. like this pain in my chest that i can't even explain well#i don't dislike part 2 i don't think it's bad#it's just not for me and i don't think that will change anytime soon#tho i will still look up the new chapters because i wanna see what happens. tho if there ever is a part 3 i doubt i will bother reading it#hyena ramblings#rant? i guess?
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