#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man

[ratatatastic]

lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall

idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...

to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"

but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics

"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"

and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."

But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-

And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"

and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really

Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)

And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.

and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)

And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*

but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)

and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far

"You should really use your words."

"I am!"

"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."

"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"

"Sasha isn't most Alphas."

"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"

"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."

"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.

"It would work better if you use—"

"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.

like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know

[maxdibert]

okay, yes, snape suffered a lot but he also made his students suffer a lot. do you know what it must have been like for all those kids to be constantly humiliated??? if you like comparing with real life so much, what would you think of a real adult who abuses their power to feel better at the expense of children??? snape fans always come up with all kinds of excuses, but when it comes to the topic of his abuse towards his students, you always stay silent, and that's because it has no forgiveness.

Severus’s role as a dysfunctional adult is honestly pretty amusing to me, especially because while I never experienced bullying from peers or equals, I grew up in an environment full of wildly dysfunctional adults. On top of that, I now work on legal cases involving even more dysfunctional adults. And, to make it even better, while my classmates never gave me grief, attending a private Catholic school in the 2000s meant teacher-on-student violence was pretty much a daily occurrence. Not just at school—I've also had some truly awful professors at university. So, I get firsthand what it’s like to have authority figures who are supposed to guide and protect you but act like an absolute pack of jerks.

Here’s an unpopular opinion: if I compare my personal experiences with dysfunctional adults and terrible teachers, Severus is practically a lamb. I’ve witnessed some insane things. There was a case at my school where a teacher bullied three siblings (in different grades) so badly that their dad came to the school and physically beat the teacher up. And honestly? The guy deserved it. I’ve seen old-school priests handing out slaps. I’ve had a teacher in his late 30s openly flirting with 17-year-old students. I’ve had teachers who didn’t just throw out a sarcastic remark—they flat-out called us “idiots,” “morons,” "dickheads", "assholes", “worthless,” or said things like, “You’re all going to end up mopping floors because you’re useless pieces of crap.” Fun times with Mr. Antonio.

There was one teacher who made students stand up one by one so he could critique their outfits in front of the entire class, piece by piece, like he thought he was Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. Another handed out nicknames that were humiliating and outright cruel. Or that elementary teacher who also taught catechism and would call up children who were not going to take their First Communion (this happens at 8 or 9 years old) to the front of the class and publicly ask them why they didn’t want to embrace Jesus Christ. She would even ask if they thought their parents didn’t love them because they weren’t letting them do the same as their friends. Or the second-grade teacher who called a boy up to the board because he didn’t know a multiplication table very well and started singing a mocking song in Spanish that goes, “Fulanito tururú, que no sabe ni la u” (basically calling someone slow-witted).

Then there was the fourth-grade teacher (9-10yo) who had a particular grudge against one of my classmates and kept threatening to lock him in places or scaring him by saying he was going to throw him out the window. The English teacher, who, when we were 14 years old, locked us in a classroom, made us skip lunch, and kept us there without eating until 5 PM. The technology teacher, a 50-year-old man with a very hands-on approach towards the girls in first and second year of secondary school (12-13 yo). And I could go on and on.

So yeah, I’ve seen some wild stuff in classrooms, and trust me, you don’t need to explain the trauma bad teachers can cause—I’ve had my share of them. And none of it is going to make me like Severus any less. If anything, the stuff he does in the books feels like 1% of the madness I’ve seen play out in real life.

[jeridandridge]

For Lovers At Night part 2

Melissa tells Barb about her new budding relationship. Pt 1

The rest of that Saturday night went well for Melissa. When she got home she took a long shower and tried to tone down her total heart eye as she gets ready for bed. Getting settled she holds her phone daring to send a goodnight text as she lays in her bed next to a sleeping Joe which had become a rare occurrence.

Thank you for another great night, hon. I hope I can see you soon.

Putting her phone on do not disturb she sets it on the night stand rolling over to her side with a giddy smile on her lips.

Melissa wakes alone the following morning. The weather outside is dull and grey, making her want to stay curled up under the covers. Stretching out with a sigh she picks her phone up ready to see if she has anything from Barb about their brunch plans. Instead, she sees a text from the woman she’s found herself thinking about more often than not.

Believe me the pleasure was all mine, gorgeous. Maybe we can meet up for a coffee sometime this week if your schedule lets you. Let me know 😊

And that’s how Melissa ends up walking around the house with a cheek aching smile on her face. So much so that when she shows up to brunch with Barb, the older woman beams at her friend.

“Look at you, girl! What’s got you smiling like that?” She asks hugging her friend before they sit at the table.

“What? I can’t smile?” Melissa chuckles setting her purse down.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long long time.”

Melissa let Barbara into her life a year into her career at Abbott, and she hasn’t looked back since. She knew Barb was a woman of faith, but also knew that she would never condemn her for being happy.

Resting her hand on the table, Melissa tries to bite back a smile. That attempt fails.

“I met someone that’s makin me think a lot.”

“Oh Melissa, it’s wonderful to have a new friend.” Barbara pats her hand.

“It’s already more than that, Barb.” Melissa admits. “It’s- I dunno i feel like a high school kid with a crush.”

“Well, I’m not telling you what to do, but knowing you and your husband? Be smart and do what makes you happy.”

Melissa looks at her best friend with a hopeful smile, touched that she wasn’t judged for her admission. Barb asks for more details about this mystery person and eventually, Melissa sees a familiar face coming towards their table. She sits up a little straighter, a small smile spreading on her lips.

“Melissa,” you smile walking over to the table.

“Hi, hon. I was just talking about you.”

“Uh oh, that’s rarely a good thing.” You tease. “I don’t want to interrupt your lunch, I just wanted to say hi.”

“You’re not interrupting anything, sweetheart. I’m Barbara Howard.” The woman offers you a kind handshake.

“It’s great to meet you Mrs. Howard.” You smile shaking her hand. “I’m picking up an order for the guys at the bar, I’ll catch up with you later?” You meet Melissa’s eyes.

“You bet, hon.”

Walking away you move with a pep in your step not knowing about the conversation that’s going to take place. Barbara keeps her eyes on her friend with an agape mouth. “Girl,” she draws out, “that woman likes you. And she’s very pretty.”

Melissa sips her mimosa trying to hide her smile. “She is, isnt she?”

“Does she know your situation?” Barb asks quietly. That’s when Melissa looks down at the table feeling the catholic guilt that’s been engrained in her since she was a child.

“I told her I was divorced.” She admits.

Barbara gives Melissa a look that makes her feel like she’s in trouble with her mother again.

“Sweetheart if you like her don’t you think it’s best to start off with the truth?”

Melissa sits back knowing it was wrong of her to lie about it. She’d wanted a divorce for years, not pulling the trigger on the idea because she knew it would kill her mother. So she put up with the cheating and living with a man that was nothing more than a roommate.

“I’ll tell her when the times right, Barb. I will.”

Back at the bar you and your coworker, Jacob, hangout in the back on a lunch break. As your friend goes on about his finals for his degree you sit back with your legs on your desk, food container in your lap.

“Jacob you’re gonna get hiccups if you take in any more air.” You chuckle.

“Sorry! I’m really nervous is all.” He all but whines. “I have to pass these courses then I get to do teachers without boarders finally.”

You smile playfully tossing a balled up napkin at him. “You’re gonna be a great teacher, Hill. Trust me.”

“Maybe your girlfriend could get me a job.” He smirks.

“Oh my god,” you laugh. “We’re literally building a friendship for right now.” You reason trying not to give away your already budding feelings for the mysterious woman. When your phone buzzes you can’t stop the grin spreading across your face.

“Oh.my.god. I see literal heart eyes. That must be her.”

Sure enough, on your screen you see a text from the redhead.

It was nice seeing you today, hon. How about that coffee tomorrow? I know this really nice bookshop. You might know it.

Grinning like an idiot you send her a text back.

I might know which one you’re talking about. When you get here park around the back.

Setting the phone down you look up finally snapping out of it.

“Don’t look at me like that, Hill.”

Sure enough Jacob was right and it annoys you that he is. The next day you walk around your apartment with a ridiculous smile on your lips as you clean, the nervous excitement running through you has you practically dancing across the clean floor. The idea of bringing Melissa up to your apartment was easy, it was right above the shop and bar anyway, and maybe just maybe it would allow you to get closer to the woman.

Being closed on Sundays and Mondays were usually a good thing, but now you find yourself doing busy work to get through the day until Melissa comes over after work. Making sure the floors are clean, you dust your own book shelves and re stack your records before looking around the sitting area, which really was just a big open room with a kitchen and a divider wall in front of your bedroom furniture.

Hours later when you hear the buzzer, you jump up and check your hair in the mirror, wearing it down when you’re not in the bar, this’ll be the first time Melissa sees you more comfortable.

“Hey! Cmon up.” You say into the speaker, pressing the buzzer down to let the woman in.

Melissa hops up the single flight of stairs,smiling when she sees you in the hallway. “You have a long commute to work.” She jokes.

“Oh it’s awful,” you beam stepping forward with your arms open for a hug. Melissa is a little surprised, not really showing affection to people outside of her family but she finds herself gravitating the young woman wrapping her arm around her shoulders in a little squeeze, one that feels warm and inviting.

“Ive got the coffee going already, are you hungry? I thought maybe we could order food.” You shrug casually.

“That sounds great, hon.” Melissa smiles following you into the cozy living space. “Wow, I didn’t know this was so open up here.”

“I tried to make it cozy.” You chuckle pouring two cups. “How was work?”

Melissa sets her purse down on one of the small dining table chairs, looking up at you surprised. “It was a great day actually. The kids did this project I’ve never done before, we read Peter rabbit then they decorated little plates like bunnies.” She beams talking about her kids.

You can’t help but smile as she shares how her day was, eventually moving to sit on your couch with your hot mugs in hand.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been talking and talking.” Melissa chuckles nervously following you. Joe never wanted to hear about her days at work or anything about the kids, he was always rushing out every time she tried to share something with him.

“No no!” You chuckle tucking your feet under you, “keep going, seeing you talk about your kids is adorable. So is bunny art.” Truth be told you found her laugh so warm and invigorating, it made your stomach jump in the best way.

Melissa tucks a strand of wavy hair behind her ear smiling at the young woman. “I don’t always talk about work, but they were too cute.”

“You can talk about whatever you want. I’m a good listener.” You smile sipping your coffee.

Sitting back Melissa realizes that this has been easy from the start. Having a casual conversation and feeling comfortable was easy with you.

“I have a very serious question for you, hon.”

“I might have an answer for you, Mel.” You mirror her energy with an amused smile.

“Do you like the Eagles?”

“Yes I do.” You laugh with a nod. “I don’t fully understand football, but I like it. My brother is a big football guy.”

“A brother huh? Younger or older?” Melissa beams.

“Four years older. I was a pain in his ass. What about you, any siblings?”

Melissa nods leaning forward to rest her mug on the coffee table, her shirt coming down exposing a nice amount of cleavage you have to look away from.

“I have a little sister and a baby brother. But he’s on thin ice because he keeps backing the Jets.”

“Not the Jets.” You scrunch your nose, “see I might not fully get the game but at least I’m loyal.”

“A woman after my own heart.” Melissa chuckles watching you play with the handle of your mug.

There’s that sound again.

“You’ll know when I go for that.” You smile, meeting her pretty eyes. You didn’t know what her full story was, but you wanted to find out and if that was friendly or romantic was up to Melissa.

Melissa meets your eyes, a shy smile spreading on her own face. She felt like she’d known you forever, a comfortably settling over you two with ease.

“You’re so suave, you don’t get nervous do ya?”

“You make me a little nervous,” you shrug. “But in an exciting ‘what am I going to say to keep her attention?’ way.”

It’d been so long since Melissa felt like someone was interested in her it felt almost foreign.

“Don’t be nervous, hon. If it makes you feel any better I uh, I felt I was back in high school when I was texting ya.”

“Oh yeah? “I’m happy to have made you feel like that. You’re a special person, Mel. I know meeting someone new after a breakup can be scary, but I feel very grateful you let me in like you have.” You tell her as casually as you can.

Melissa looks at the younger woman, nothing but sincerity in her eyes.

“That got way more serious than I wanted it to be,” you laugh hiding your face in your hand.

“Oh cmon!” Melissa laughs leaning over, gently taking your wrist in her hand to remove it from your face. “I’m around second graders all day having a conversation like this is great.” She gives you a soft smile.

Taking her hand in yours you lean forward just enough to enter her personal space just a bit. “You have a gorgeous smile.”

“You’re a charmer, hon.”

“I always mean what I say.” You tell her quietly. The feeling of her hand in yours gives you the same bubbly feeling it gave you at the bar the other night.

“I’m starting to see that. I think I learn somethin new about you every time I see you.”

“Yeah? What have you learned about me?” You smile back feeling a teasing steak hit you.

“You’re incredibly smart, helpful,” she hums gently squeezing your hand, “and you’re incredibly cute when you talk about something you like, like that book.”

“It’s a good book. Like I said, a woman finding herself is a beautiful thing. But if we get into that we’ll be here all night” You grin leaning a little closer.

“I can’t stay late tonight.” Melissa whispers eyeing your lips. Despite how much she wants to, she really did only come for a coffee.

“That’s okay. I know you have to teach the rugrats in the morning. Cell phones are a beautiful invention, that’ll hold us over until I can see you again.” You chuckle.

“Barb already teases me when she sees me smiling at my phone.”

“I guess the leather jacket and killer eyeliner don’t work when you look adorable and mushy looking at a phone huh?” You tease.

Melissa playfully rolls her eyes moving to stand up. “I’m not mushy now walk me out.”

“Yes, Ms.-“ you stop short as you stand up. “I was going to make a teacher joke but I don’t know your last name.” You chuckle.

Once again, Melissa’s brain short circuits. She’s not joes wife here. No, here she’s herself. “Schemmenti.”

“Very Italian.” You smile not bothering to let go of her hand as you walk her out, down the stairs to her truck.

Outside Melissa unlocks the truck still holding the younger woman’s hand.

“Can I tell you something, hon?” She whispers inching closer.

You meet jade eyes once again, butterflies hitting you just as they always do when you’re with Melissa. “Of course you can.” You say quietly, eyes flicking down to glossy lips for a moment.

But Melissa doesn’t say anything. Closing the space between the two of you she rests her hand on your cheek meeting your lips in a soft kiss. When you register what’s happening your arms slips around her waist, tongue licking at her lower lip to deepen the kiss. It feels like a magnetic pull has taken over your body as you stand there outside in the dusk, arms wrapped around her warm, curvy frame.

Melissa pulls away first, pecking your lips once more for good measure.

“For the record, I’m not scared.”

Next chapter

[tallerthantale]

Neil and Amanda's Fake Therapist

I originally gathered information relating to Neil's fake therapist in a bit of a messy hyperfocus flurry that included some initial errors, followed by various erratic updates, so I wanted to put the main points together into one coherent place. Some of what I'm putting together here was found by others on the subreddit post.

I once again find myself skirting the edges of my typical rules for myself about analyzing public figures, so disclaimer: this is personal opinion, I'm not scientifically or clinically evaluating anyone based off public appearances / statements, I am commenting on what personal impression I am getting off things, and leaving most speculation about internal states out.

Man does this guy make it hard to stick to that though.

The person I'm talking about here is the supposed 'therapist' that Scarlett interacted with while Neil was (allegedly) pressuring her to say the allegations weren't true. His behavior there (with a paper trail according to Tortoise), and what I was able to gather from Amanda Palmer's podcast made it clear to me that he was not operating within the acceptable behaviour of a therapist, so I decided to see if I could prompt a review of his license. All indications at this time are that he does not have one. But it gets worse.

He claims to be a minister, but like the therapist claim cites no qualifications or organizations in his website's bio. This combination of therapist who isn't a therapist and minister who isn't a minister potentially creates a legal nightmare scenario. I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, but I'm going to give you my best estimate of the situation, which has involved looking up the law and reading some cases.

As long as he isn't claiming to be a mental health professional, he may be protected in calling himself a nonspecific 'therapist.' He can probably argue it as some kind of spiritual therapy. But because he isn't actually a mental health care provider, he is not subject to mandatory reporting. Generally therapists have a legal obligation to proactively report when someone is a danger to themselves or others. He does not have that requirement. He isn't bound by professional ethics, since he is not a member of any organizations and has no licenses. Moreover, it seems to be the case in New Mexico that if a person reasonably believes you to be a minister, that kicks in clergy-penitent privilege whether or not you actually are a minister.

The origin concept of clergy-penitent privilege is that the law cannot force a priest to reveal what was said to them in confession. The First Amendment means all religions get it equally and it doesn't have to be part of a specific Catholic ritual. In New Mexico, it covers anything that was not said publicly or intended to be passed on regardless of the surrounding context. That means anything said to or by this guy that is not said in public or explicitly intended to be forwarded cannot be used by the legal system for any purpose, no matter how documented or incriminating it is to the client or to him personally. There is no mechanism to remove that privilege form him for being misused because it is derived from his representation of himself as a minister, not his actual status.

According to his linkdin he received a Bachelors degree in creative writing from the University of Rochester, in New York. He then got a Masters degree in Divinity in Organizations from Harvard Divinity School, 1982-1985. These are the only points of education claimed anywhere we have seen. He lists no psychology or mental health qualification anywhere, and is most known as an author. His bookselling success might be due to a claimed promotional appearance on Oprah.

His personal webpage has a long 'client list' or list of 'collaborators' who have hosted speaking engagements. This list was last updated in 2012. The events on his calendar page have no year. I think I recall seeing a section of his website that was only accessible to those who were 'fully committed,' or something like that, but it doesn't seem to be there now. It's possible I'm misremembering, it's possible it got taken down when the reddit thread got popular, I don't have the right skillset to check. He won an award from the Institute of Noetic Sciences, which looks to be engaging in pseudo scientific spirituality in a manner similar to Scientology.

From what I can gather from the video's I've watched, the advice he 'preaches' is a mish mash of bits and pieces of metaphors and perspectives from a variety of religions and philosophies that he probably didn't fully understand. (My speculation.) There are pieces of genuine insight that are lifted from others and that can give the impression he knows what he is talking about to vulnerable people even if he doesn't really understand them himself. He doesn't seem to have any genuine religious beliefs or connections to any religious congregation or organizations. It is unclear if he is or is not technically ordained, but that is something anyone can just do online, and he doesn't even claim it.

Particularly noticeable in his talks are traces of Jungian psychoanalysis (which is the nonsense Jordan Peterson seems to have got caught up in, and it has antisemitic and fascist origins) some Buddhist resilience concepts that have been misused by westerners a lot, and Christian (I think) concepts about universal love and togetherness. They end up mashed together into a message that I believe will influence most victims who hear it to blame themselves and remain in toxic situations, while making perpetrators feel better about continuing to perpetrate. Not saying that was the goal, but if a person had that goal, this patchwork philosophy is what you would put together to achieve it. I'm not going to be specific because I don't want to be like, putting out a guide for people on how to do this.

Amanda says she met the guy before she had a child, but after she was married. That is somewhere between 2011 and 2015. Amanda says she met him at something resembling a TED conference, where all sorts of people got together to do various (rich people nonsense.) She had a mental breakdown in a horse paddock, and the fake therapist was the guy with the horse, teaching about horse whispering.

"And since then, he’s been my therapist, and he’s also become a true friend, to me, and to my family, and to many other people in my life that he’s taken on, and helped out, in some of their darkest hours of need, and he is my emergency phone call. And in a way, he sort of picked up where Anthony, my old mentor, left off, and I don’t find it a coincidence that Wayne walked into my life right around the time Anthony walked out. "

This is not what a therapist does, this is cult leader behaviour. This is pure speculation on my part, but I wonder if Neil might have known him first and orchestrated their meeting. He is an author with connections to an organization similar to Scientology. It might actually not be a coincidence. Again, pure speculation.

Amanda describes seeking advice from him whenever she was having trouble with Neil, and that talking to him would make her feel like everything was fine again. "Even just to have someone to talk to, to remind me what I’m struggling with, what’s going on, what is home, why does this feel so disorienting, what am I doing? And I can say right now, when I shifted my internal feeling within myself, within my relationship with Neil, around where I was, my feeling in my own house transformed. Because I went, oh, right, none of this fucking matters."

In June 2019 Amanda Palmer has the Portland, OR incident where she tells her fans they need to forgive their r@#ists.

In 2019 the fake therapist did a series of webcasts with The Santa Fe Center for Spiritual Healing over a few months. At times he is titled "Rvrd", and at times he is titled "Dr." there is no reason to believe he is either. In the first one, the host reads a bio she found online, that she says he asked her not to read (she appears to think he was being humble.) This version of the bio claims that he was a Senior Scholar at the Fetzer Institute. When he comes on after she read it, he makes odd comments about whoever might be watching the video online and appears very shaken. The Fetzer Institute has no mention of him on their website. That connection is not listed in his current bio.

In his last video for the Santa Fe Center he claims to be working on an upcoming project in D.C. with a co-facilitator who was famous for brokering a truce between the crips and bloods. He also comes across like he has been asked to stop working with the center and is being super passive aggressive about it. (My speculation.)

His appearance on Amanda Palmer's podcast is recorded in July 2019, about a month after the last Santa Fe Center webcast, in upstate New York. In the descriptor she says it was recorded after a week long retreat with him she set up for 60 of her Patrion supporters. There is a nearly two year gap between the recording and posting, which is not explained. She describes him as a minister, therapist, leadership mentor, and her personal therapist. In the episode itself, she also describes him as her and Neil's relationship therapist. In the description she promotes his books and his website, and says he is still readily contactable there, but to be patient right now because he is mid move. (The description was posted when the podcast was posted, in 2021. As mentioned earlier, there are features of his website that have not been updated since 2012.)

The fake therapist tweeted about Neil being a 'dear friend' in late 2020. He has under 100 followers, not really what you would expect for a best selling author / therapist / minister / community leader / mentor / horse whisper. While I make references to cult leader behaviour, a genuine cult leader would probably have a larger following. But somehow I don't think he lacks for money. I expect there is a market for pseudo-therapists you can freely talk to about the crimes you are actively committing. You can even involve him in the crime, and it still privileged.

The events of Scarlett's allegations date to 2022, about a year after Amanda posted the podcast episode. Sometime in March is when Neil manipulates Scarlett into saying the allegations are false with what is essentially a su!c!de threat, then asks her to repeat her assurances that it was consensual to the fake therapist. Amanda had recently received a scorching message from one of Scarlett's friends about what was done to her. It seems like Neil is doing this to win a fight with Amanda in their "relationship therapy." Scarlett gets a message from the fake therapist.

Tortoise describes it as him "saying he'd be happy to speak to her in complete confidence because he had heard that she found herself in his words 'in the midst of relationships, stories and narratives, not alas necessarily of your own making. Sadly, this is not a surprise. Two creative dynamic people can easily draw others into their orbit unaware of how powerfully the magnetic pull of their influences can have on others.'"

My perception of this message is that it plants the suggestion to Scarlett that her friends are brainwashing her to think she was r@ped by pulling her into 'narratives not of her own making.' I could see how people might interpret the later lines regarding magnetic pull as being about accidental power dynamics abuse, but I read it more as him saying Scarlett's friends are opportunistic manipulators looking to make a name for themselves by taking down a famous person.

Either way, there are a considerable number of things happening there that an actual therapist would not ever do, for a variety of very good reasons. Tortoise's attempt to call him to ask for comment was thwarted by the fact that his phone has been specifically programed not to accept voicemails. Not like, the voicemail box was full or something, he went out of his way to do that. Which means Tortoise can't quite claim that he didn't respond to requests to comment, because they couldn't leave a message. Other organizations probably run into similar difficulties establishing evidence that they have contacted him. It's not a smoking gun, but I don't like it.

A year later Amanda Palmer makes her post on the Russel Brand allegations, where she argues the solution to serial predatory behaviour is to try to get them to stop doing "stupid shit" by trying to heal their lacking and fear with love and compassion and forgiveness, because that the ONLY cause / motivation for abusive behavior. And some unarticulated hope for non-specific accountability vibes.

This post looks to me like the perspective of a person who has been continuously exploited, and manipulated into thinking it is their personal responsibility to heal people who have no interest in being healed. It reads to me like a person who has been justifying staying in a toxic situation to themself so long it has warped their entire worldview. It reads to me like the inevitable end result of this fake therapists preaching.

I don't think that absolves her of what ever her role has been in facilitating access to victims, or actively promoting these views to her audience, but it is something to keep in mind.

There is a broad rage of possibilities for what is going on with this guy. The spectrum runs from deeply misguided fool to deliberately exploitative criminal. Either way it looks like he is charging people money for the service of turning them into the "this is fine" dog. This is not fine. This is not ok. Unfortunately it probably is legal.

[jbaileyfansite]

Interview with Vanity Fair (2024)

If you looked up the phrase “booked and busy,” you’d probably find a picture of Jonathan Bailey. The British actor broke out as Lord Anthony Bridgerton, whose love story took center stage in the second season of Netflix’s eponymous hit romance. He captured even more hearts as Tim Laughlin, a McCarthy-era conservative turned radical queer leftist in Showtime’s epic limited series Fellow Travelers, and will soon star as another eligible bachelor, Fiyero, in Jon M. Chu’s two-part Wicked adaptation—a part Bailey scored after Chu found clips of the actor singing online. “The fact that it was a YouTube video that got me the job is kind of wild and incredible,” Bailey says on this week’s episode of Little Gold Men.

On top of all that, Bailey managed to return to the Ton for season three part two of Bridgerton, which begins streaming Thursday, June 13 and filmed concurrently with Fellow Travelers—which bled directly into Wicked. He remembers practicing Ozdust Ballroom choreography during lunch breaks on Travelers, wearing his buttoned-up G-man glasses and sharp haircut from the waist up—“and then it was Fame from the waist down. I’ve got terrible videos that may or may not surface in about a hundred years time—hopefully once I’ve died, because they’re so embarrassing.” But then again, there’s a poignancy to them: “Tim, if he’d been born 60 years later, may have played Fiyero in the school production of Wicked. And he would have loved the shiny boots.”

Vanity Fair: As Tim on Fellow Travelers, you evolve from a conservative, religious congressional staffer in the ’50s to a radical queer man living in the ’80s. What was it like filming that character arc? I have to imagine it would be tough to do.

Jonathan Bailey: It was an incredible challenge. For Tim, he’s talking about the idea of religion and faith and what that gives you at the beginning. And I think it seems to have equipped Tim to endure a love against all odds. He never gives up on Hawk (Matt Bomer). And Hawk becomes his sort of living religion, and something that he believes in.

I was like, I want to see a gay ingenue who’s a fish out of water—who’s itchy in his skin. It’s not like he’s doe-eyed and just sort of hapless; he’s fighting from the get-go. He does not understand why the world is the way it is. His emotions are the thing he leads with. And he’s all about truth and transparency and honesty. And I think that comes from this Catholic sort of conservative upbringing. So it’s just the most beautiful quest that he has in his life, to find absolution but also acceptance. But he never stops fighting. That’s why, to me, he’s an absolute icon.

Tim is prickly and struggling internally with his sexuality while also dealing externally with important moments in American history, from McCarthyism to the AIDS crisis. As a Brit, how familiar were you with the American history?

Not enough [laughs]. It was not included on the curriculum. But then I’m not sure it really was in America, either. This is why we’re shining a light on areas of history that conveniently haven’t been included. It’s an experience to explore a character throughout that time, but also the history of queer experience—to offer me, as Johnny, catharsis. And to be in a predominantly queer environment to tell that story. I relished it, because there’s so much that I need to understand about the privilege that I have now and the people that came before me. The fact that there’s five out gay actors leading the show is because of all the people that came before. And I’m telling you, people have been loving gay actors for years. They just haven’t been able to say that they’re gay.

We’re getting more and more queer stories and queer representation on screen, but these characters are not always portrayed by actual queer people. I think Fellow Travelers proves that it makes a big difference when you cast queer, out, gay, LGBTQ+ actors in roles that are queer.

This is so specifically exploring the queer experience over 40 years. I think there was a GLAAD report last week that was kind of disheartening, about how there’s been a decrease in queer or LGBTQ+ characters being represented…. Tim and Hawk and all the characters in this are born into a world where they have to fight. And if you’re ever having to monitor or adapt or to survive, if your first instinct is it might not work because of who I am, then that’s the difference between being a gay actor and not being a gay actor. It’s the fight.

The show wouldn’t work without your chemistry with Matt Bomer. How did you find that dynamic? Tim and Hawk’s relationship has a sub-dom dynamic, and at times it switches. There’s a power struggle. It’s complicated and nuanced and always believable.

[laughs] Well, I mean, Matt Bomer is a supreme being, and incredibly lovely and great. He’s got such a wealth of experience. We met on Zoom to do a chemistry read, and then we met in a coffee shop about a week, or even actually less than that—like, six days before we started filming. For about an hour we said, you know, this is such an opportunity. This is what we’re really excited about. It’s a great amount of trust and a free fall. But that’s the point of gay relationships: There is so much nuance, and the dynamic is so balanced because there’s no gender, There’s no—uh, what was it? Women are from Venus, men are from Mars.

The fact that the intimacy is so richly explored is so important to the gay experience. It’s something that I found really incredibly vital as well—to allow people to understand the way that men come together sexually is also directly linked to how the world communicates to them. You know, their relationship with their self-worth and their shame. Also, literally, where are the safe spaces that they can meet. Even in their own homes, in [Fellow Travelers], they had a window of how many hours until the sun came up and Hawk had to get out. Even there it’s unsafe. I loved that the intimacy had its own evolution.

I’m glad that you brought up the intimacy. It’s such an important part and of the show’s DNA, and, frankly, rare to see intimate scenes between two queer men on television. What was it like filming those scenes?

Personally, I just think, What an opportunity. It’s really exciting to be able to know that you’ve got the space to be able to show what you haven’t seen before. I remember Queer as Folk, Blue Is the Warmest Color. There’s been beautiful same-sex intimacy explored. But I think in this instance, it was how the two characters came together, but also directly reflective of what’s going on inside and the distance between what they really felt towards each other—what they felt like they could say, and also what they felt that they had to do in order to survive. That’s where the intimacy is incredibly hot.

It didn’t seem to me to be an overwhelming ask for the intimacy scenes. It felt to me that that was exactly what it should be. If you’re going to tell this incredibly bruising, tender, detailed love story that’s going to explore four moments in history, of course, you should explore the intimate dynamics. And I do think you can show so much about what’s happening with a human in those silent moments of intimacy. That’s why it’s brilliant. You know, I can see where sex scenes don’t further the plot and they don’t explore character development and they’re cynically included. With this, that was never going to happen because it was all on the page. And it’s important.

Source

[beloved-of-john]

Hi, I'm sorry if this comes across as trying to debate your faith, that's not my intent but as someone who was raised Devotely RC, and left the church after realising my queerness, I'm kinda curious what led you to join the church as a queer man?

That's a very valid question, and I really do sympathise with your experiences. I of course agree that the Catholic church is not great™ in its stances on queerness (and some other social issues). Maybe it's my hope that things will slowly improve, although I don't expect to see that in my lifetime.

I think at the end of the day it's the theology for me. I already had a Christian faith before I decided to convert, but when I started to read more into Catholic theology, it connected so much more with me than the Protestant ways of explaining things that I was used to. My personal experiences of God aligned much more, eg. things like having spiritual experiences with the Eucharist. I also loved the traditions, observances and the style of worship. All I can really say is the Catholic way of doing things connects me to God in a way nothing else does.

With my reasons for wanting to be Catholic laid out, I then had to consider my queerness. My godmother is a devout Catholic and so was her husband, and they had always been some of the most supportive people in my life of me being trans, so I knew that a queer-affirming version of Catholicism was possible. I was still scared of not being accepted though, so my godmother told her priest about my situation and he told her that it didn't matter if other people don't accept me, because what matters is that God does. And that did it for me really. I've been used to just living being an act of defiance for a long time now, so what else is new? If there's a space I'm not wanted, that's a space I'm going to take up. Especially if my own happiness stands to be gained. That's the priest I go to now for instruction, and while we haven't really discussed my transness, it makes a big difference to my confidence to ask questions knowing that I'm safe with him.

I think it probably helps that I realised and accepted my transness and queerness long before I felt a calling to religion. Going through that vulnerable point in my life while dealing with institutional transphobia/homophobia from the church would have certainly made things a lot more difficult when it comes to my relationship with religion. I have had bad experiences with religion growing up, and I do consider myself to have religious trauma, but I went from a very religious primary (elementary) school to a completely secular high school, and the queer stuff all went down at the latter, and my parents weren't and aren't religious. I do think God showed His presence in my life when He knew I'd be ready for it.

To sum it all up really, Catholicism is the version of Christianity that connects with me the most, I know a queer inclusive Catholicism is possible despite whatever the Pope says, and I am secure enough in my queerness and my faith that no amount of being told off is going to make any difference to me. God made me incredibly stubborn (and trans) so the haters can take it up with Him!

[ladysophiebeckett]

This post is super long and idk who will read it but if there's anything I love to do on the internet its post aimlessly to no one. (anyway)

It gets said a lot that Betty was naïve in how she entered her relationship with Armando, but we fail to take into account how desperate Betty was to live her own life. From the beginning of her character arc she talks about needing a change.

It starts with Roman's invitation, saying he has a guy for Betty but she needs to ask permission (at her 25 yrs of age). Don Hermes says no.

Betty argues back. Don Hermes' excuse is 'you can't go out with strangers'. But Betty isn't really fighting about going out with some guy. Deep down she knows Roman and his neighborhood troublemaking annoying friends are up to no good. It's not about them. It's about her wanting something, asking for it and being denied.

The scene ends like this:

He says the world is dangerous for women and she doesn't understand that. She claims that she can defend herself and he says the above. Betty runs off crying. Dona Julia goes after her and when she returns Don Hermes asks if she's calmed down. From that question alone, it seems as if this isn't the first time Betty has fought with her dad about the rules he imposes upon her. Nor is it the first time that Betty has ran out of a room crying bc she fought with him and lost.

This has happened before.

I don't want to assume that everyone feels the way I feel about Don Hermes, which is that he's annoying. (I'm using 'annoying' as a broad term to describe his overprotection and the traditional\patriarchal way he runs his household, fyi, I know its there. I see it. But I'm not going to delve in that direction).

But there's a reason he's annoying (overprotective). Everything he does for Betty is laced with good intentions, but those good intentions are a double edged sword. At this stage in the story he appears overprotective and suffocating. It's when Dona Julia is pleading with him to let Betty go out that we hear a mention about Miguel (whose original name was 'Juan Ramon' but gets changed to 'Miguel' later on)--a guy who Betty cared about but 'disappeared'.

Let's backtrack to Betty running out of the room when Don Hermes says no. She cries to her mother about how overprotective and controlling her dad is. It's one of the few times Betty is open with someone about how she feels about the way he treats her. We get brief information about how he decided her education, about how she was sent to catholic school, how she wasn't allowed to hang out with the other girls bc she was too young, that the only male friend she was allowed to have was Nicolas and it was bc they were 'practically raised together' (and bc they knew his mother).

She continues to say ‘how is a man going to see me as a normal woman if you keep me treating me like a child? When the only thing I do is stay locked away in this room with only books and stuffed animals?’ The Miguel Situation gets its first mention and its foreshadowed that it hurt Don Hermes and Dona Julia to see their daughter suffer, but Betty says that one bad experience shouldn’t be a reason why she stays that way the rest of her life (which is very brave of her to say considering we know later how afraid she is of letting herself fall deeper in love with Armando).

The last thing she says to Dona Julia is key,

Betty's running theme is change. The eagerness of something to change. Either she needs to change or her dad needs to change. Something needs to change bc she knows she can't keep living the way she's living. She's desperate for something, anything to happen in her life. She goes on to say:

'Queira la major estudiante, la tuvo. La queria graduada con honores, especialiaziones, la tuvo. La queira trabajando en un gran empresa, la tiene trabajando en un a gran empresa. Yo ya les cumpli. Ahora quiero cumplir con mi vida.’

Again, it's not only about going out with some guy. It's about Betty living her own life now that she's done all the things that have been asked of her. From Betty's pov, she's played by the rules, so at what point is she free to do what she wants?

She is the quintessential good daughter, quintessential good student, and later on the quintessential loyal employee that becomes the quintessential loyal clandestine girlfriend--bc those were the rules she was told to play by. But she's at a point in her life where that's not enough to sustain her.

After hearing this, Dona Julia goes back to Don Hermes to plead on behalf of her daughter, however she says something concerning:

Dona Julia is afraid that if Don Hermes doesn't loosen his restrictions, that Betty will have a nervous breakdown and fall into a depression that will cause her to move out of the house.

Sidestepping the 'what if our daughter moves out' comment---

When Betty confides in Armando about her relationship with Miguel and how it ended, she doesn't call it 'depression'--however the way she describes it is very intune with what depression is.

She didn't want to live, she cried many nights, she missed classes at university. She lost the motivation to do anything. This is more than just a 'break up'. It's a traumatic experience and its aftermath is a period of depression that Betty almost didn't survive. Her parents watched her go through this, helplessly and Betty claims it's why her dad protects her so much.

Here we see her showing that she understands Don Hermes and why he does what he does. However, when we see Betty's childhood flashbacks post letter, we see that Don Hermes has always been this way as a consequence of how the world treats his daughter. We see that Betty gets bullied, marginalized--no loving parent wants their child to suffer. So he isolates her from that world so that nothing bad can ever touch her. He tries to provide her with everything he can--books and stuffed animals. Things to fill a void with.

No one can blame him for wanting to protect his daughter, but by isolating her he inadvertently teaches Betty that the solution to when things get hard is to lock yourself away and internalize everything.

In Don Hermes' defense his child rearing is mostly focused on ethics and math. A parent does what they can. So it's no surprise that after the Miguel Incident, he became even more tightly reigned over Betty's life. But again, it does more harm than good.

After Betty's ghosted by Roman and his sketchy loser friend, she's disappointed and cries. Don Hermes has no idea how to comfort or understand a 25 year old woman as he does not see her as one. He assuages her like a father would a child. He says 'We'll go do something together as a family. We'll go see a movie on Friday, champ'. (Not a literal translation). Then he says to Dona Julia, 'If I hadn't given her permission to begin with, then she wouldn't be upset about being (plantada\ghosted)'. He has no problem being seen as the bad guy in Betty's eyes if it means she avoids getting hurt in a worse way.

A couple days later, Don Hermes insists on driving her to work instead of her walking to her bus stop bc he fears she'll run into Roman and his current loser friends.

Betty says to him:

'Let me handle it' she says. Don Hermes doesn't look convinced. And then immediately Nicolas shows up at her door:

Dona Julia is also looking out for Betty and off screen took it upon herself to have Nicolas walk her to the bus stop that morning. She knows Betty needs some kind independence but using Nicolas as an intermediary gives her reassurance.

Betty rejects both options and rushes out the door. Don Hermes, pulling a Dona Julia, takes Nicolas with him and follows Betty on her way to her stop just in case something happens. What they see is Betty doing what she said she would do--handle it.

When left to her own devices Betty can and will handle things on her own, but both her parents insist in their own ways, to keep her in a protective bubble.

As the series progresses we see Betty become friends with el curatel, more specifically Aura Maria. We can all recall when AM has Betty join her on a double date and said date doesn't end well for Betty. Her date is uninterested, rude--despite Betty's best efforts. She gets home late and her dad is not happy. He calls her a 'descarda' when he sees the car dropping her off and then claims she didn't ask permission, to which Betty says 'Well I called my mom and let her know bc you weren't home'. Which leads to this:

Betty becomes the sole breadwinner of her household at some point but Don Hermes reminds her that that doesn't give her any right to decide what she can do with her free time or what time she can come home at. He then makes claims about AM and the men AM is associated with. Betty then defends her and the men (even tho they were lame):

Betty's face here is trying to contain herself but you can tell she's upset. Especially bc it wasn't the best evening, so to be getting yelled at over it doesn't feel worth it. But also, you can see Betty has a fire in her eyes; quiet frustration and inner rebelliousness bc she has been reminded yet again, that she has no freedom despite having a job in a 'great company' and having all the graduation merits and on top of that, now financially supporting her family. It's not enough. And might never be enough.

Despite this, Betty reigns her anger in and goes back to being the quintessential good daughter:

Don Hermes is not fully convinced but he appears to calm down after that.

A lighter altercation between them happens when he takes Betty home after a lanaziamento. He accuses her of taking too many liberties bc of the job that she has, criticizes her being out too much, criticizes her friends. His main worry is that she forgets her traditional values (Betty: Yo sigo siendo de las casa).

As we know, all Betty does is work and get caught in whatever mess el curatel gets her into. Regardless, Don Hermes doesn't like it. He doesn't like the women Betty surrounds herself with and he doesn't like her work or its events:

'The (fashion) world is too much, it's not for you'\'I know it's not my world, it's my job'.

I don't think Don Hermes is trying to be cruel when he says this, rather, I think he fears Betty will one day throw away the values and ethics he's taught her. (She kinda sorta does) Before she leaves for Cartagena, he insists she take a picture of him and Dona Julia, which gives weight to another inner fear of his; that Betty will forget her family and where she came from.

He stubbornly refuses to see (and accept) that Betty is an adult woman who wants to act like an adult woman. She does want to go out with her friends and dance and have the occasional drink. She does wants to date and meet someone, fall in love and in return show the love she's capable of giving.

She's desperate for the opportunity but believes it will never happen for her, so she decides to only dedicate herself to work and by doing so--and out of loneliness, she embraces her fantasies of (an) Armando that we know doesn't exist bc he's the only one that sees her value as a person and a professional. But when Mariana reads her the tarot cards---

Key word here: Change. Both of your lives are going to change.

Betty has been seeking a change in her life. This feeds into her illusions but she doesn't truly start to believe anything could happen until Armando begins to start acting differently around her.

We know it's the plan taking its course but for Betty this is a dream come true. But even in the beginning she's cautious, she doesn't know if the kiss they shared was a mistake and would rather not mention it to him in order to continue keeping the work relationship they already have (and she's happy to maintain if it means to being in his life).

But because Armando seeks her out, it's difficult for her to resist despite the type of relationship he's offering her. In a similar vein to Armando post letter, when he mentally refuses to put the clues together about why she's acting differently--Betty doesn't put together the recent embargo with his sudden interest in her. Where Armando chooses to be blind; Betty's inner frustrations and illusions of having something in her life that's not just work and an over controlled life, speak louder.

There is naiveté in play. It's true that she doesn't know a lot about the world but it's at the result of the overprotectiveness of Don Hermes that Betty doesn't read the signs as clearly until she reads the letter and is cruelly brought down back to earth.

Betty thought that Armando was the change she had been yearning for and her desperation for that change, for that dream to come true---is why she accepts the relationship he's offering her. He's trusted her implicitly until then, so why would she doubt him now?

The Letter happens and Betty's first instinct, the first action she wants to take is to run away. She doesn't want to go back to work, but Catalina reminds her of her responsibilities, that she can't just jump ship when people like Armando are depending on her. Betty especially can't leave as her parents are also depending on her and to quit suddenly with no warning would raise suspicions.

TW: for brief mentions of ED.

(I talk briefly about Betty skipping meals. I don't think the character has an eating disorder per say, but if you gotten this far and this makes the reader uncomfortable, count 5 paragraphs down to skip).

Betty enters the Gaslighting Arc depressed and dead inside. She's no longer a student, she can't afford to take days off to lay comatose in her bed. She also can't let her parents find out that something like Miguel (only worse) has happened to her again.

Post letter on, the series makes a habit of showing Betty either skipping breakfast or skipping dinner. Usually this is just done to show that a character is in a rush and usually bears no importance.

But this happens multiple times. At El Meson she orders vodka and they never get dinner. At Le Noir, despite Nicolas saying they make great eggs, she has him order wine. The night of Armando's last lanzamiento, Armando knows she hasn't eaten and offers to bring her dinner which she rejects. And lastly her diary entry\ voice over from the night she buys the mercedes\rejects Armando's call:

'Desvanezco' is to 'fade'\'vanish'. '...I am fading away before him while he only cares about his company' (rough translation).

Betty acknowledges here that she's not taking care of herself. In the first entry Post Letter she states that she doesn't have the strength to resuscitate herself again. She's metaphorically dead but the reality is that she's depressed and the only thing sustaining her during this period is her anger. (and alcohol). And once the Junta Directiva happens and everything is revealed, Betty in only left with the hurt.

(TW: End of ED mention)

Audience members get annoyed with Betty in the first half of the Cartagena Arc bc she continues to put herself down--Catalina is almost the audience insert with how put off she is with Betty's self deprecation.

It's not healthy or helpful for Betty to view herself this way and yes, it's a learned behavior that she needs to break desperately. But what the audience forgets is that Betty is tired. This is a woman that has tried to change things in her life and she always gets it wrong. Her first foray into love is a failure bc he used her, her attempts at dating are another failure, when she tries to change her look it's another failure; she put all her love and hope into Armando and then he betrays her.

She's been beaten down so much by those attempts, on top of society's view of her--that of course once in Cartagena she immediately feels out of place. Of course her first instinct, yet again, is to run back to the safe haven her dad has always provided for her.

'This isn't my world' which harkens back to Don Hermes telling her a similar thing, '...That's not for you'. It's not helpful and fuels Betty's fight or flight. And she's always picking flight.

This is Betty's first time away from home. This is the first time she has ever been away from her parents. That's why the airport scene with them is so dramatic. She's never slept a night away that's not in her house. A 'niña de la casa' no more. This is the opportunity that she's been waiting for but she doesn't see that yet amid the heartbreak.

Catalina has to guide her and essentially push her out of her comfort zone; and challenge her way of thinking and seeing the world and herself. Betty's always wanted changes in her life but she never knew that in order to embrace new things into your life, you have to be open about it mentally. You can't hide and internalize everything in your entire life. It's damaging to oneself.

In the middle of her trip she tells Nicolas, "No. I can't leave. I'm living something very important here. They (the board) can wait'. Betty is finally putting herself first and putting her foot down. Had they insisted on her presence at the beginning of her trip, she would have gone back.

Betty didn't just need to get away from Armando, she needed to get away from her family, specifically her dad. The internal and external changes that Betty goes through in Cartagena would not have been possible in Bogota. Not with Don Hermes breathing down her neck and Dona Julia flustered in the background. It wouldn't have happened as he wouldn't have allowed it.

Betty needed to leave the protective bubble of her family to learn that she can put herself together, that she can handle it and come back stronger.

Don Hermes' goodbye at the airport consists of giving Catalina instructions of things Betty isn't allowed to do (she doesn't drink, she doesn't party). He, again, refuses to see her as an adult woman. But he is forced to when she comes back from Cartagena:

He goes on to say, 'I feel like I'm lecturing another person, not my daughter'.

But that doesn't stop him as he lectures her into the night:

This is inadvertently what he's taught her to do tho--run away from a situation bc it became hard.

However Betty defends herself and says she came back to deal with issue at hand and take responsibility for her part in it. She's not proud of what she did.

'Don't think I did all of that and then went on vacation. I needed a change in my life'.

This is the change Betty truly needed, the one she's been waiting for and the one that sticks. She needed to learn to see the value in herself, realize that she's not the only one who has ever suffered and more importantly learning not to abandon herself as soon she gets hurt.

No one else was ever going to give her that. Not a relationship, not her family, not her friends. Those people (specifically her family) may love her but in certain instances their love and affection is a blind spot for them and can inadvertently hold her back bc of their insistence on protecting her from the world.

My personal feelings for Don Hermes aside, he loves his daughter and everything he does is well intentioned. He's not necessarily a bad person or bad father, but his over protection is suffocating and his refusal to see that his daughter is no longer a child plays a part in Betty's arc about wanting people to see her as she is--A person that is smart and capable and deserving of respect.

He plays a big part in why Betty does what she does, her inner rebelliousness, her frustrations come from the restrictions he imposes on her. He's not wrong about certain things but he's not 100% right about how he goes about them when it comes to Betty.

As a husband...well.

Anyway.

Betty becomes more independent Post Cartagena and her dad kind of slowly accepts it, especially when it's said in passing that she as a midnight curfew. He's still annoying, but that is simply his character trait.

If you made it this far, thank you. There is no prize except for the inner satisfaction of finishing this post.

[irishmammonagenda]

Catholic MC Gets Sent Into Hell?! Not Clickbait! (part one)

introduction, part one, part two, part three warnings: light swearing, religious theme(s), GN (though implied AFAB mc, they/them pronouns used.) It's implied that MC knows prayers in irish,idk how to word that but😭😭 (i'm new to writing so i dont think i'm too good at characterisation yet)

A strangled scream rips itself from their throat as they lurch downwards into what can only be described as an abyss, the plastic river rock bottle and their phone almost rip themselves from their blazer, MC grips onto them for dear life, the only familiar things in this vacuum of darkness.

The fear almost paralyzes them, and through their years of catholic conditioning, MC does the only thing they can think to do, they pray. Muttering out a prayer to the Patron Saint of Protection, Archangel Michael, MC finds theirself falling onto cold, tiled ground in some bastardisation of wonderland.

They almost sigh in relief, if not for the group of people they catch in their peripherals, on their knees MC looks around, pulling their school skirt further down, it unrolls slightly from where it was rolled at the waist. MC lends wide eyes to the 8 men around the....court room...? They're met with a range of reactions. A man with hair red as blood stands, his arms extended out at his sides in some sort of attempt to be welcoming, to his right is a stoic, though calmly smiling man with green ombre-esque hair. Arguably the most unsettling of the two.

Nevertheless, MC looks to the 6 others in the room, their instincts going haywire, a blond with eyes so green they could be neon, a beautiful man-not that the rest weren't-with hair that reminded MC of the rose coloured shloer they'd get to drink at Christmas.

A man with...indigo? hair...MC was never good with colours, but it didn't matter as he was more focused on his gameboy and glaring at the tan white haired man who looked like the epitome of chaos than them. MC could live with that. They could also live with not having seen the ginger inhale a cake whole, but that was by far the least strange thing that had happened. Then they set their eyes upon the last man of the group, standing to the left hand side of the red-haired brown skinned man, a brunet, or would it be more fitting to say noirette? MC didn't know, either way his hair was black as night, with the slightest hint of silver....or was it grey? Either way, he meets their gaze with his crimson eyes. MC's breath hitches. Falling, only to land in an emo pinterest board looking courtroom with a bunch of men, all of which with strange hair and eyes? They needed to leave.

The man with scarlet hair begins to talk, "Hello MC and welcome to the Devil-"

"Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy na-" MC begins to mutter, their eyes shut tight. The tension in the room grows thicker, they can no longer hear the game on the indigo haired man's gameboy, he must've shut it off.

"Lucifer....What's the human doing?" Scarlethead man asks hesitantly, the name spurs MC on, their prayer ups an octave, "By kingdom come, thy will be done-"

"-Praying. It looks like, Diavolo." A sadistic sounding voice responds, offence dripping in this 'Lucifer's' tone.

"-on earth as it is in heaven-"

"-Oh."

MC drowns out the squabble that begins between these...demons. They pray over and over again, the fighting only continues as they get started into the ten Hail Marys.

"Sé do bheatha a Mhuire, atá-"

A new voice joins in. "Ohh?~ What's with the strange words? That doesn't sound like latin."

A sigh can be heard afterwards, "Neither was the praying in English, Asmo. Besides, humans pray in all of their languages now."

"Really?"

"Feck."

Now that gets MC to stop praying and to look up in surprise at the sound of the voice, "Of course demons can be Irish. Of fucking course." They mutter before meeting several pairs of eyes and immediately lowering their head and muttering once more.

"Satan! You visited humans way more t-than us! D-do something!" MC doesn't hear the chain of responses, only picking up, 'worthless otaku like me!' and 'i'm not a human whisperer!'

The name Satan though....

"Saint Michael the Archangel! Defend us in battle!-"

"-Michael?" The strict tone says aloud. Tension was growing thicker.

"-Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil!-"

"-now thats just mean!"

"-Yeah! Human who do ye think yer messin' with?-"

"-May God rebuke him we humbly pray!-"

"My Lord, would you like me to fetch Simeon?"

"That would be a good idea!" The scarlet haired demon, the 'Lord' says, there's laughter? in his voice though.

"-And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host!-"

Silence takes over the room. Until it doesn't.

"Hmm?~ Wasn't that Lucifer's role?"

"W-whaa?! Don't bring that up! He l-looks like he's about to rage quit during a campaign!"

"Diavolo. How long will Barbatos be in fetching Simeon." That annoyed, stern voice asks, although it's less of a question and more of an order. That must be Lucifer.

"-bY the Power of GOd, cast into hell SataN! And all-"

Snickering can be heard.

"L plus Ratio plus ROFL!"

"Shut up Levi." A voice hisses.

"-other eVIL Spirits who pROwl around the wORLD seeking the ruin of souls!"

"Uhhh...*munch* why's the human glowing?"

...

"nevermind."

[official212th]

ok so i just finished this book the eighth arrow and god knows nobody reads any of my posts so im just gonna put some thoughts here.

first of all: this book is so so so good yet such a fucking trip to read because it is written by a priest. and 90% of the time its a great take on greek legends and mythos and also has some truly ridiculous homoerotic subtext. but then every couple chapters you get a remind that wow. this was written by a priest. spoiler warning but odysseus legit converts to christianity at the end which is actually hilarious. and ok, the priest who wrote it works at a catholic school that is actually in the same city as i am and i will say i appreciated how he very clearly planned to use this book in either theology or english classes, because it was absolutely 100% a metaphor for redemption in catholicism and the idea of mercy and forgiveness. guys i know what im talking about i also go to catholic school. but the way he frames it as a story that's ostensibly not about christianity, but he sneaks in a few metaphors and buzzwords (the disclaimer at the beginning, in which odysseus says he actually made the whole story up, talks about how he was "judged worthy" and "redeemed" and talks about God's grace and providence. which is pretty standard fare for your average high school theology class.) specific to christianity and even catholicism (some of the beliefs regarding redemption in here are pretty unique to catholicism and i don't think some protestants would like this book very much)

second of all did i mention the homoerotic subtext? because wow. honestly it wasn't even subtext it was just text. the whole book is about odysseus and diomedes and their journey through dante's inferno. but it starts off talking about how the two of them are "imprisoned in a single flame" for 3,000 years (ok buddy not sounding too straight to me) and they kind of have a friends to enemies to friends thing happen but like the whole reason they become enemies is odysseus doesn't realize or acknowledge diomedes' love for him??? (GAY)

im going to back myself up with sources. proteus (weird old guy that's there like half the time) says to odysseus "that man really loves you. He loves you more than he loves his own father. More than he's ever loved anyone, I suspect. And that is a sacred thing, a love like that" and does the priest writing it maybe mean it in the way that God loves us? maybe but thats not how i'm interpreting it! anyways i really liked how (spoiler warning again although if you're avoiding spoilers for this book idk how you got this far) odysseus and diomedes are bffs but also fight. like really bad. like almost-killed-each-other bad. and then they have a really nice moment in which diomedes almost dies and odysseus is like "wait i love u youre my family pls dont die" and then they team up and save the day. its so sick. i love gay people.

[fandomination666-blog]

As someone who lives in Texas (unfortunately) I find it SO FUNNY when people make keith overwhelmingly southern. Like, cmon yall. Texas history 101, the cowboy era ended a long ass time ago, most of us DONT wear cowboy hats anymore. Why the fuck would keith ride a horse???? Nobody does that unless they own horses??? And horses are incredibly expensive???

Like, I understand cowboy aus, and historical aus, but if Texas, in 2024, isn't like that (the stereotypes are so wild) then why would it be like that in approx 2314?

Very few wear cowboy hats or boots. Very few have horses, and NOBODY rides them to school, ffs. Keith is not a farmhand.

Some texas stereotypes that are true, however...

-yeah we say yall nonstop

-ain't, wouldja, couldn't've, etc.

-confederate flag is less common here, normally you see the "come and take it" or the "don't tread on me"

-if keith ever went to public school, 1/3 of his classmates or more are Latino

-most Texans know moderate amounts of Spanish

-we celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and most ppl think it's Mexican independence day (it's not)

-barbecue.

-chili WITHOUT BEANS YOU HEATHEN

-will fight over food, family, or football

-either you support the Dallas Cowboys or the Houston Texans. Any other team is sacrilege. Once you make this choice, it WILL have effects on your social life.

-football is basically king here lol, none of the other stuff in school gets nearly the funding

-people living in rural areas (like Keith's dad) often own guns, and not pistols either-- rifles and shotguns, usually

-NOBODY SAYS YEEHAW. at least not unironically

-Texans will ironically say yeehaw, rootin-tootin, etc bc we are aware of our history and think it's wack

-were not all racist, but everyone knows at least one person who is (usually an older family member)

-mind your gotdamn manners at the table. Get those elbows away from your food

-sir and ma'am for strangers

-open doors for old people. You don't have to be a man to do this.

-please and thank you is SO important, people will assume things about you otherwise

-if you don't have a church, you miss out on a lot of community (coming from a non-religious person)

-most people here are Baptist, on that note (Hispanic people contribute to the Catholic population, but still, Baptist is #1)

-internet service is awful unless you're in a city

-we WILL close all schools for 2 inches of snow/ice

-we laugh at hurricanes, and then do our best to help our Houston neighbors

-but everybody hates Houston and Dallas, unless you live there

-most people are okay with Austin, San Antonio, etc

-EL PASO IS TINY, AND HALF OF IT IS IN MEXICO (and is called Ciudad Juárez there)

-beer is god. And God has no problem with drinking. (According to beliefs here)

-gambling is illegal here, but we love it, so states like Oklahoma have built casinos RIGHT ON THE STATE BORDER so that we can drive a bit and gamble as we please

-everybody's dad drives a truck. Otherwise people assume he's got a small pp

[wifeyoozi]

Someone in my inbox (they asked not to tag them) asked me about the repost I made regarding Moumita case so I want to tell you all about it, both because I want more people aware of this and because this has got a lot of rage in me which I want to let out.

My dear followers of you have just some time to read this post and do as least as pray for the poor soul of Moumita and several others I'll talk about in this post after reading this I'll really appreciate. There are heavy mentions of brutal rape and assault cases so if that is too triggering for you refrain from reading.

So this thing happened in India (where I live) on 9th August. Yes that recent. Dr Moumita Debnath was a doctor in Kolkata at RG kar medical College which as far as my knowledge is is a Government College and hospital. To get into this college students need to pass neet exams which one of the toughest exams in the world. She was a doctor in practice. A few interns were running a sex and drug racket INSIDE the hospital. Moumita got to know about this and threatened to expose on social media and tell the authorities. She was unaware that the said authorities was also involved in the racket. She was troubled for the next few days including her new car being vandalized and making her work 36 hour shifts. One night as she was in the hospital on a shift ON DUTY as a DOCTOR, she was caught, held and raped brutally. I won't get into too much details because it is very disturbing and graphic but one of the offenders was a GIRL who helped the men by tying up Moumita. Moumita was raped and beaten up by over 10 people and in the end AFTER she was dead her corpse was assaulted again by a scapegoat who is later sent to jail (keyword, as a scapegoat).

Sadly the story didn't end there. Moumitas parents weren't allowed to see her body for 3hours after arriving at scene. The cause of her death was told suicide. The place where the incident happens was broken down under the name of renovation. The police and government were involved in the tempering of evidence since the interns were from very influential backgrounds. People began peaceful protests and went for candle march to demand justice for Moumita and her soul.

The government's replies? The CHIEF MINISTER of West bengal who's herself a WOMAN states that Moumita was a "characterless" woman , she had a body which would tempt boys , boys can make mistakes so it's okay (??????) , she had affairs and was pregnant (idek why this is related true or not) and that people should not protest and March and should instead just mourn silently.

Shame on her for saying this as a woman herself.

During this candle march one of the protesters (female) was brutally raped, beaten and killed for the sole reason that she was part of the rape.

Sadly this is not the only thing that is happening in India right now.

A 3yo was assaulted by her can driver in woods in Mumbai.

A man eloped with a woman and the woman's family gangraped the man's sister

A man in dehli is arrested for raping his own daughter for the past 2 years

A vizag man rapes a woman in public and the onlookers film her instead of calling police

85 year old woman in up does after being raped

A catholic bishop assaults a nun

And these are only the cases which came forward in news in the past few days just in the span of a week or two.

Men aren't blamed. Women are the ones questioned. Women's character's were judged. Women are the ones told to protect themselves. Where is a woman safe? When is a woman safe? How is a woman safe?

She is still unsafe wearing a doctor's coat, a diaper, a saree, a burkha, anything. She is unsafe in her home, in a hospital, in her school, in public, in her workplace, at night, in morning. No matter how much she fights back she is still unsafe.

And she is still questioned.

It's heinous. Not just the crime but how the public and government reacts to this. And these are just the crime that are known. Hundreds and thousands and who knows how many rapecase files are just buried. Many more than those are never reported. Marital rapes and date rapes aren't even considered criminal.

On 15th august, it was India's 78th independence day. But what are we, the women, really independent from? 78 years and women still don't have half the security and rights as they deserve. Yes, women are now "allowed" to work and study. But they are still getting assaulted at workplaces and schools, no matter how noble the profession or how you g the student.

And Today itself I get a message from the place where I live - a popular gated community which prides itself for 24/7 security that a schoolgirl (12-13 yo) who was in her school uniform was followed by a creepy looking man outside her home and catcalled her (I am not sure if physical harassment took place). Yes, it was dark but the girl was probably coming from a tuition or class. You know what our community head said? "Due to this incident we advice women and children from roaming alone on the street after dark." Something snapped in me and I just wanted to tell this gentleman how about we stop the boys from stepping foot outside after dark instead?

Now as I come to an end of my rage, I just want to tell everyone that this post is not to downgrade my country. I do not want people to think all indian men are harmful or anything like that. Men like that are everywhere. Do not label our country slurs without knowing all of it.

I do not expect you to do anything about this. If possible, pray for these poor souls and let's hope for our government to take some, any serious action regarding this issue.

[thealtofvalleyxdoodles]

︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤─ †å§k £ðr¢ê 1-4-1 H¢§- - - - - - - -ˎˊ-

Just some dumb thoughts

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡ E̳n̳j̳o̳y̳ ｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ��

-ˏˋ♥̩͙♥̩̩̥͙♥̩̥̩ ⑅ 𝕵𝖔𝖍𝖓𝖆𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖓 "𝕭𝖗𝖆𝖛𝖔 0-6" 𝕻𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖊 ⑅ ♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙ˊˎ

Price likes to swallow chewing gum. I mean-LOOK AT THE FUCKER. HE SWALLOWS GUM-CHANGE MY MIND. Price also likes to drink whiskey out of a tea cup-Kate just stares at him and says "John-how are you Drunk off of Tea???" and he's all "Fuck off, Mum! I ain't three no mo' Woman!"

Price has gone to a pride parade with Kate-she was in the parade bc some homophobic dude at her wife's job was trash talking her. John went as morel support (And ended up in a conga line--)

Price's famous pick-up line with the ladies is "Are ye chocolate milk? Because you make my day batter" (Yes he says Batter.)

My mans will just S T A R E at people when he's deep in thought. Like-he'll zone out and then it's just

and it's lowkey kind like-"Cap? What the fuck?"

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*୨୧ ┈┈┈┈┈ S̶i̶m̶o̶n̶ "G̶h̶o̶s̶t̶" R̶i̶l̶e̶y̶ ┈┈┈┈┈ ୨୧*

Simon wakes up every. single. night. at three am. THREE AM. Poor bby :,(

this man will randomly be reminded of something-wether it be his father or, or walking past the old park he used to play at after school as a kid, somthing else-and he'll get the urge to cry. And he'll get so spaced out John has to shake him roughly-one time he had to slap him--

Simon really really REALLY hates the smell of COOKIES. But he loves eating them???? Wtf bro-

the only thing he can cook is instant noodles. thats it. your dream cook can only cook noodles. i woke u up, your welcome.

Ghost once caught Soap tryna sneak in a few....odd pics...of him...for "Art like things, Lt!" (Like Soap can draw-Ha! He draws so much foikin' battar.)

this man can sing-and he sound like he's native to the US when he does--

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(I love this little gif of him bc he looks like he's just like "Yes ma'am-no maiming. understood" HE'S SO CUTE I CANT WSDNIGIGHNIEQG)

¸.·✩·.¸¸.·¯⍣✩ j̤̈ö̤ḧ̤n̤̈n̤̈ÿ̤ "s̤̈ö̤ä̤p̤̈" Mä̤c̤̈ẗ̤ä̤v̤̈ï̤s̤̈ḧ̤ ✩⍣¯·.¸¸.·✩·.¸

MF LIKES CHEESE BY ITSELF. im sorry-i had to say it. he does.

He-i cant even fathom how i think this-he can bake. and he's GOOD at it. Like, "Why tha fack whould ya go ta tha cheesecake fac'ory?? I can make betta shite!?" (I love him so much dfgsdinfgof8)

He draw better than Simon-Simon just has a big ego with his artwork and won't admit Johnny draws better--

Johnny (Cannonly) speaks better spanish than Graves. (LIKE HOW THE FUCK DOES A US BITCH SPEAK SPANISH SO BADDDD UGH-anyways this is bout babyboy here)

his first word nearly killed his Roman Catholic mother, "War! War! Ha ha! Warrrr!" (The poor woman, RIP)

His second word was no better. "Gay!"

how'd he learn these words?? ...His uncles. (Dad's side)

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☆★☆★→ Kͦyͦlͦeͦ "Gͦaͦzͦ" Gͦaͦrͦrͦiͦcͦkͦ ←☆★☆★

So like-idk why but when i first saw this man i was like: "...yeah-he vapes."

also-WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HOLD THE LIGHTER WITH TWO HANDS????

anyways-he likes to snuggle with a little stuffie from when he was a kid-it's a small pink bunny too. it's missing an ear and he had to re-sew a foot on with a spare sock but other than that, it's still lookin pretty good.

"Hey-John? ...Why the fuck are you staring at me like that, Sir??"

(See Johnathan "Bravo-06" Price)

I headcannon that he has like-three older cousins he talks to whenever he can-like-he sends them a text at least every day

i also think he has a big family.

and that he is the ONLY BRITISH MAN that can cook-like he and Kate?? god-DAYUM. They are a STORM in the kitchen.

Im sorry-but this man will only call you "Love" and "Mamas"-nothing else. Change my mind-I dare you. (If he's tired it'll be a small "Hunnybun")--

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( ノ・・)ノ g̤̈ä̤r̤̈ÿ̤ "r̤̈ö̤ä̤c̤̈ḧ̤" s̤̈ä̤n̤̈d̤̈ë̤r̤̈s̤̈ö̤n̤̈ ( /・・)ノ

Baby boy is ALWAYS FORGOTTEN SO-FUCK ALL OF YOU, IM TAKING MY SON AND LEAVING

My baby boy LOVES to watch 90's cartoons on his phones after missions. Like all anyone will hear from his room is, "Oh ThE tHiNgS i Do FoR lOvE!!" (If you dont know what show this is from, your too young to be on my page)

He used to get called "Gar-bear" by his mom bc he used to watch so much spongebob as a kid.

He ADORESSS the homemade food from his teamates-even if it's just Simon's instant noodles. </3 he is everything to me, omg

He can speak English, Spanish, German, French, and ASL. (American sign language)

When he's really pissed off he'll say the one curse word he knows in Slovak. ("Kurva!" it means fuck-dont ask how i know that...)

He has a small ant farm at home. He has a few other friends (not from work ofc) look after them when hes gone <3

Secretly really good at arts and crafts-he makes his own jewelry for himself and Gaz-bc Gaz is the ONLY ONE who remembers he's alive half the time.

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✯¸.•´*¨`*•✿ Kå†ê "W冢hêr-1" Lå§wêll ✿•*`¨*`•.¸✯

Laswell-ooOOOoOO! Laswell-this woman rivals gordon ramsey in the kitchen.

Best chiken pot pie you've ever tasted-ever.

She makes homemade coffee for the task force. and it's Good.

She favors blackberry crumble-her wife makes it. You can NOT tell me otherwise.

advid user of "Honey", "Darling", and "Dear" for people she likes-minus, minus John. Minus John....minus John....

and by people she likes i mean people she thinks of as HER kids.

anybody tryna mess wit ghost, soap, gaz, or roach??? just a simple "Las-" and mama's coming out to fucking MURDER.

thems is her BOIS, ok?? ok.

Price once called her mama bear-and she was like, "Yes i am, so what? How's that affect your day, Price?"

she's scarily good at throwing her slippers at things-once soap asked her to hit the clock-and she did-dead center. im talking where the teeny tiny little bolt that keeps the hands in place.

i could rant all day long about mommy Kate tbh-

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and thats it. i might make more-depends.

thanks for reading!!

———๑•̀ᴗ•̀) ʋ ǟ ʟ <3 (•̀ᴗ•̀๑———

[khaotunng]

can't believe i'm doing this but. queen of tears post sad ending vignette:

Hyunwoo doesn't know how it happens, or why he cannot simply walk way and live life differently, now that everything is different. Maybe it's just the way he is, the same way he fell in love with Haein without knowing all the important details —or anything at all, to be honest. He is not a stupid man but he is a fool in the way he loves: he is lucky to have found Haein the way he did, and not a placid intern that could never become the love of his life. He just did not expect to keep seeing her brother so often, long after Haein is gone.

During Haein's last month, the one that went by syrupy slow but also way too fast, slipping through his fingers like the warm seasons of his sunny childhood in the fields, Haein sometimes forgot her age, mixed up faces and places and lived in a world that made sense only in her head. She was happy, she said one evening where it was just the two of them watching an old drama, that they had met so young, because this way he could be a good influence on her brother. After a few beats of silence –his heart breaking, splintering, while his hands remained steady as he held her–, he asked her to elaborate, in a roundabout lawyer-like way she would have seen through if she weren't sick.

"Imagine if I'd found you later, after school," she explained. Even when her voice faltered from exhaustion, the tone remained the assured one he knew, the one she'd use to explain why she was actually always right in their playful first year of marriage. "Soocheol needs a good role model."

She mentioned her brother almost as often as Hyunwoo, while others in the family (her mother, her long lost brother) were not forgotten, but perennially out of focus. Hyunwoo was happy that wherever she ended up in her head, he always seemed to be included.

The truth is that a tiny part of him hates seeing Soocheol. It's that side of him capable of hate, of deep-bone exhaustion that buries every good thing deep inside of him until he forgets why he loved in the first place. He hates Soocheol's happiness, his lockscreen showing the last picture his ex sent of Geonu, now less chubby and nothing like his father, he hates the rare moments where, maybe out of desperation, Soocheol says something that makes him think of Haein alive, and not Haein as she was at the end, as she is now. A shadow who loved him.

In Soocheol's eyes, they both made up with Haein before the end, and that's a good thing. He said as much over soju, one rare evening where it was him to witness Hyunwoo getting drunk and not his best friend. But Soocheol speaks of Haein dying happy, of resting in peace, and while Hyunwoo was raised catholic he cannot stand the thought. Haein should be angry at him. She should be alive and blazing brighter than everyone else and he should be trying to win her back. To make it work better the second time around.

(He dreams of surprising her with flowers, of running after her in the rain, of doing it all again from the beginning. Of marrying each other a second time without Haein too weak to walk down the aisle.)

He cannot stop thinking that the Haein he forgave, who forgave him in return, did it all for his sake. She loved him too much to end things differently. The one factor that would make her choose a losing hand was always Baek Hyunwoo, after all.

Today, he meets Soocheol with the intention of it being the last time for a while. They'll have the anniversaries to meet again, after all, and he can always see Soocheol's face on the news while the other fixes the Hongs family reputation one donation at a time (they don't trust him with much else, but Soocheol surprisingly does well when it comes to delivering teary speeches at every charity gala involving kids, or cute seal cubs).

He doesn't expect to see Geonu. Soocheol probably texted him a million times to tell him his son was visiting, but Hyunwoo is working late and sleeping little. The kid hangs from Soocheol's hand and kicks the pebbles as he walks, and he has his mother's eyes. Mother and son have started to look at Soocheol in the same way, a puzzled, pleased blink that betrays fondness.

"Look who's here!!" Soocheol laughs. He doesn't call Hyunwoo uncle to his face, but that's how Geonu refers to him, and Hyunwoo's heart can take it. Mostly.

(If they'd had their baby, would he remember different years before the end? Would she have Haein's face?)

Geonu tries to bow, or maybe crouches down to pick up a good rock. His big head is so close to the ground that Soocheol panics, but just for a moment.

(Haein as a mother.)

A thought: what if he talks to Geonu about his aunt who lives far away. She's in Germany. She has a big company and works all the time but if he behaves, she will bring him the best present ever. She's Hyunwoo's wife but they don't live together because sometimes love is hard and complicated. By the time he'll finish trying to make sense of who they were, Geonu will have moved on to a more interesting game.

He walks towards the entrance of the Hongs mansion and is betrayed by habit, his feet finding the path before his brain. His heart skipping a beat at the promise of memories of her, the house brimming with them until it becomes bearable to enter.

[jeridandridge]

Atomic

Jacob takes Melissa to a gay bar.

CW: Implications of religious trauma, internalized homophobia.

In the break room at Abbott Melissa sits tapping her boot on the floor while Janine jabbers on about the newest situation she wants Barbara’s guidance on. While the kid goes on and on the redhead sits at the table looking over her shoulder every so often at Jacob.

The younger teacher sits at the table with Janine nervously nibbling his sandwich. No one wants Melissa Schemmenti looking at them like they have a target on their back that they don’t know about.

“What?!” He shrugs almost irritated looking at the redhead.

Melissa shakes her head going back to her phone. “Nothin, kid. Just uh, come to my room after the bell.” With that she grabs her stuff and goes back to her class for the afternoon.

Dropping his sandwich the young teacher looks to Barbra with an agape mouth. The older woman holds up her hand gathering her things.

“I don’t know a thing, Jacob.”

In her classroom, Melissa sits at her desk getting back to the grading she was doing before lunch. She has five minutes until she has to get her kids from the lunch room, and in those five minutes she has to talk herself out of a panic attack.

She doesn’t know why she’s this way but she hates it. Her thoughts run wild about the topic. She’s old. She’s divorced. She’s not as thin as she once was. Who could want her? Who could want her when she’s not sure what she wants. The cross around her neck feels like it weighs a ton, enough to pull her down and down further and further into her somber thought. The thoughts only stop when her watch chimes alerting her it’s time to get the kids from the lunch room.

At the end of the day Jacob contemplates shimmying down the side of the school from his window so he doesn’t have to go see Melissa. He paces back and forth before he finally gives in. “I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go!” He huffs grabbing his bag and leaving his room.

The young teacher is too nervous to even give Mr. Morton a fake friendly smile as the man says hello to him, too afraid for his own life. Keeping his shoulders back he holds onto the strap of his bag tightly as he pokes his head into the redheads classroom.

“What’s your deal over there?” Melissa nods looking up from her desk as Jacob looks side to side and up at the ceiling.

“Just checking, making sure there aren’t any traps or surprises.”

“What are you talkin about, kid?” She rolls her eyes, “I just wanna talk to ya.”

Noting the serious tone shift in her voice, he comes in leaning against the kids desk across from Melissa. He’d never seen her look nervous like she does now, fingers fidgeting and no eye contact.

“Melissa, whatever you need to say, you can and I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to tell me.” He explains gently. In reality he expected her to snap at him and say forget it, instead the redhead lets out a breath and motions for him to come closer as she gets up closing her classroom door.

The two teachers are quiet as they both stand closer to each other. Melissa can feel her heart beating against her ribcage and she gathers up the courage.

“Listen kid, I might give ya a hard time and tease and all that, but I do respect you.” She tells the young man. “And I think you can help me figure some things out.”

Jacob, for once, is at a loss for words.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinkin, after breaking it off with Gary and all,” she waves her hand, “and I think I also like women.” She finally lets it out, feeling instantly better.

Jacob smiles at his co worker feeling honored.

“Well first off thank you for telling me this very personal, inspirational info. Saying something like that out loud, it feels good doesn’t it?”

“It actually does,” she smiles. “It feels airy. But I guess I just wanna know how to start. I mean, I ain’t young anymore and catholic guilt is a bitch.” She shrugs.

“Let me ask you this,” he starts, “Do you want to explore, and get to know the real Melissa?”

“Yeah,” she shrugs. “That’s the point ain’t It?”

Jacob has to hide his smile, grin growing on his face. “Tell you what, Zach and I are going out this weekend, nothing crazy, just a bar. Why don’t you come with us?”

Melissa tries to come up with an excuse, she really does, her stomach is in knots at just the thought of a gay bar.

“Okay, but we ain’t telling anyone about this.” She points at him in a warning.

“But what abou-“

“No one, kid.” She cuts him off shooting him a look.

Jacob nods comparing himself. “I’ll email you the details.”

Saturday comes all too quickly for Melissa. After a day of trying to distract herself with cleaning and cooking, her house is spotless and she has four different dishes in her fridge big enough to feed a small army and even that doesn’t slow the clock down.

At nine o’clock she finds herself walking arm in arm with Jacob to the bar, Zach the sweet guy he is, behind them.

“Honey! They’re doing karaoke already!” He smiles looking over at the crowded karaoke stand in the corner.

Melissa looks around the dimly lit bar, spotting black lights, rainbows, and plenty of decor on the walls.

“Go on, honey, I’m sticking with Melissa tonight.” Jacob squeezes his hand before Zach goes off with a smile.

Melissa stands with her hand on her hip, her leather jacket, her armor not even able to give her the confidence she needs. feeling totally out of place in a bar like this not because it’s a gay bar, but because everyone’s so young she pats Jacob’s arm. “G’head, kid. I’ll be at the bar.”

If there’s one thing Melissa knows it’s where to find a nice bourbon or a crisp glass of wine. When Melissa saddles up to the bar she quirks a brow at the pretty woman behind it, toned arms on display and long hair in a pony tail.

“Hi gorgeous, what can I get for ya?” The bartender gives Melissa a smile that makes her stomach flip. The redhead knows how it works, she bartended in college herself, she knows bartenders flirt to get more tips.

“Bourbon neat, hon.” She orders with a friendly smiles.

Grabbing a glass the bartender fixes her drink sliding it over. “So, are you friends with Jacob? I saw you come in with him and I’ve never seen you before.” She smiles.

“You know Jacob?” Melissa quirks a brow, “That Jacob over there?”

“Yeah,” the bartender laughs with a nod. “Jacob Hill. We’re friends, sorta.”

“I give him crap, but he’s a good kid.” Melissa nods. “I’m surprised he’s friends with a,” she trails off looking at the woman, “toned, tattooed, twenty something.”

The bartender tips her head back in a laugh, leaning forward with her arms on the bar to get closer. “Thirty something actually. This is my bar.” She smiles. “What about you, gorgeous? How do you know Jacob?”

There’s that word again. It’s catches her off guard once more and this time the stunning woman is even closer, a warm, raspberry vanilla smell hits her nose. Suddenly the blaring music and the sounds of glasses clanking and chairs moving become too much on top of her thoughts.

“Woah, hey, you okay?” The bartender asks gently resting her hand on the redhead’s.

At the touch of the woman’s hand Melissa pulls away almost like a flame has grazed her skin.

“Sorry, sorry,” she shakes her head, “I’m-“

“Don’t sweat it,” the bartender smiles. “Hey maya!” She calls over her shoulder, “cover the bar for me. You, come with me,” she waves Melissa over as she comes out from behind the bar.

Melissa stands and follows the woman, almost drooling when she sees the tightest jeans known to mankind.

The bartender reaches back gently grabbing her hand. “I don’t normally do this, but since you’re Jacob’s friend I’ll make an exception,” she smiles leaning in towards Melissa’s ear.

Melissa’s breath hitches in her throat at the closeness of the woman. Through a hallway the woman opens up an office door revealing a pretty normal room with a few posters and a pride flag on the wall behind a desk.

“It can be a little too rowdy out there,” the bartender smiles handing her a cold water bottle from the fridge.

Sitting on a black leather couch Melissa sips the water hearing a muffled Blondie song from the outside, the beat almost as fast as her heart drumming against her ribcage.

She eyes the bartender who sits at her desk, arms above her head in a stretch.

“Sorry, hon. It’s been a weird time recently.” Melissa apologizes.

“No need to an apologize, gorgeous. I’m a bartender, I might as well be a therapist.” She jokes. “If you weren’t Jacob’s friend I wouldn’t have brought you back here to my secret lair.”

This gets a laugh out of Melissa. “Some lair, it’s not dark and mysterious or anything. And you don’t have to keep calling me that. I’m Melissa.” She finally shares.

“Nah, I’ll still call you gorgeous.” She smiles yet again, making Melissa’s heart jump. Sipping the water she shakes her head.

“I knew it’d be a gamble coming here.” She sighs. “I can’t even handle talking to a woman.” This makes the bartender frown.

“First time in a gay bar?” She asks, not a single note of judgement in her voice.

“Yeah,” Melissa nods. “Jacob convinced me to come even though I’m noneya business years too old to be here.”

The bartender sits back in her desk chair almost examining the redhead, making Melissa shift in her seat. She knows the woman sees right through her, soft eyes meeting hers.

“You know, one night I was here, it was a Tuesday,” the bartender starts softly, “There wasn’t much happening yet, it wasn’t even seven, and this old woman comes in with her great granddaughter. They both take a seat at the bar so I come over like always, and we start talking. The woman was 93 years old and you know what she said to me?”

Melissa sits with a small smile playing on her lips as she listens closely, shaking her head no, enthralled by the story.

“She said she just turned 93 and finally, after decades, had the courage to be her authentic self. Isn’t that beautiful?”

The question makes Melissa think. Really think. All her life she did her best to please others, stuck with tradition, and did her best to make her family proud despite trying to go against the grain as best she could.

“Yeah, it is beautiful.” She hums quietly parting her lips to speak again, only to be interrupted by the door opening.

“Hey, boss the ice machine is jammed again.” The other bartender pokes her head in.

“Alright,” the woman sighs, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

When the door closes again Melissa stands up, following the woman back into the hall towards the music and crowd.

“Listen, I’m pretty new at this sorta thing,” Melissa says shyly, not like herself. “But I’d like to talk to you more, get coffee or dinner sometime? doesn’t have to mean anything.” She adds quickly.

The bartender gives her a soft smile, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “When you’re ready, Melissa, you know where to find me.”

With a wink and a gentle squeeze, Melissa’s left standing in the doorway of the hall with a ridiculous smile on her face watching the woman spring into action.

She’d have to thank Jacob.

[eddiedefender]

“eddie is a bad father"

Since 7x09 aired, I've been seeing a lot of people saying that Eddie is a bad father, and it's just so ????????????? Have you even watched the show???????

I'm not denying the mistakes Eddie has made regarding Chris, especially during the first years of his life, but making mistakes does not automatically make him a bad parent. The important thing is that after making those mistakes, he has done everything in his power to correct them. He has always tried to shield him of whatever disasters or tragedies life has thrown at Chris.

So for those people, now I'm going to do a rundown of Eddie's and Chris' relationship, but I'm also going to be focusing on Eddie as a person and not only as a father. i tried to keep it in a chronological order. (I'm so sorry for any inconsistencies :( )

El Paso, TX.

Shannon and Eddie begin

Eddie and Shannon were never a healthy relationship. They are high school sweethearts who had to get married due to her getting pregnant accidentally at 19. High school relationships, especially the first ones, are almost never meant to last. Eddie forced himself to get married to her bc he felt it was the “right” thing, due to his catholic upbringing and subsequent catholic guilt. He automatically assumed his role, not bc he wanted, but because he felt like he Had to. This caused his marriage to be extremely dysfunctional.

Catholic guilt and his identity Eddie's catholic guilt is likely closely related to his identity as the son of Mexican immigrants. Catholicism in Latin America was introduced in a very traumatic and forced way by Spanish colonizers. Thousands of Native Americans were killed for refusing to converse to Catholicism, therefore causing Catholicism to become really intense in Latin America, a way in which it remains until now. Entire Latino countries values and laws circle back to catholic traditions, there is virtually no way to escape religion. This is then mixed with the innate sexism that is common in those countries, leaving a pretty extreme view of gender roles. When a kid is raised in these environments or, in eddies case, by people raised in these countries, their life will always be dictated by Catholicism rules, especially when the family is especially (extra) religious, as is implied in Eddie's case. Coming back to how people's life is dictated by Catholicism… this is especially true regarding matters of sexuality and gender. As we all know, Latino Catholicism has strict views regarding gender roles. A man should be the “provider” and “strong” and the woman should “take care of the family” and be “gentle”. That is basically what Eddie is. He always paints himself as the strong one, bottling up his emotions; and also thinks of himself as only the provider for the family. This heavily affected his relationship with Shannon. When he got her pregnant, he automatically assumed that role by marrying her.

Newfound “family”

His marriage and new “family” life caused to be so overwhelming that the only out he saw, was enlisting and going to war, leaving his newborn son and wife alone. All of this was done under the pretence of being the “provider” for his family, because he thought that was what they required from him. He didn't comprehend that his wife and kid also needed him emotionally. Sadly, that was never going to happen due to the very circumstances in which the family was created. He never loved Shannon enough to make things work between them; but he still tried, for the sake of Chris' and to give him a chance to have a proper family.

Shannon leaving

after coming back from war, Eddie and Shannon tried to live the “family life” but that came to be impossible and overwhelming for both of them. This time it was Shannon that left. When she left, Eddie ended up alone with his son, fresh out of the army and with a family that wanted to take away his kid. He instantly knew that Christopher could not go through the trauma of losing another parent. That's why he decided to fight his toxic family for Chris' custody and took him away to L.A., so that they could live and navigate their new family dynamic far away.

Los Angeles, California

Eddie begins again

When Eddie moved out to L.A. he was still discovering how to raise a kid with a disability and also fighting his parents for Chris' custody. He did everything he could to ensure his kid was well taken care of, shielding him from his own struggles. When he got the job at the 118, he still did his best to keep him in a sort of normal environment. Due to Chris' disability, this came to be more of a challenge, but Eddie never stopped trying to get him the extra help he needed by every means.

When he joined the 118 he met buck who then introduced them to Carla, the social worker. Then, Carla and Eddie started to work together, so that they could improve Chris' quality of life, always looking out for his happiness.

L.A. life

Besides Carla, Eddie also found his support system on the 118. These people always helped him in everything he required and became his friends; especially Buck, as his best friend. Eddie found in Buck a person very similar to him, one that had Chris' best interests at heart and someone that would fight tooth and nail for him. Seeing the positive impact buck made, he decided to make him a constant presence in Chris's life. This made nothing but improve both Chris' and Eddie's family life.

Nevertheless, life in L.A. was not so happy for Eddie. Although he had found a support system and strong friendships, he was still processing Shannon's absence. He always blamed her for leaving him and her son. However, he never made these concerns known to his son, as he didn't want Chris' to grow to hate his mother. The only people who knew about this were the 118, although he was always reluctant to be open about any feelings he experienced.

Shannon

All this came to a halt when Shannon came back to their already settled lives. At the beginning, Eddie tried to navigate his issues with Shannon, without letting Chris know that she had come back. He was afraid that Shannon would leave and therefore scar Chris again. He wanted to shield him from that pain.

After a while, Eddie decided that it was OK for Shannon to come back to Chris' life and for them to try to be a family again. During this time, Eddie and Shannon were still figuring out what they were and how they wanted their future to look like, while also living the family life for Chris' sake.

After navigating their family life and personal conflicts for a while, Shannon asked Eddie for a divorce. She died days after. This was a very big hit for both Eddie and Chris. They both navigated their grief together. It was not a perfect journey, but Eddie never stopped having Chris' best interests at heart.

(natural) Disasters

Soon after Shannon died, another tragedy hit Chris' life: the tsunami. Both tragedies resulted in Chris having recurring nightmares, sometimes blending the lines between his mother's death and the tsunami. Eddie was constantly worried about the state of his son, even though the latter was not opening up to him. He took him to the psychologist to see what he could do to make him feel better and process his emotions.

Mothers or girlfriends?

After Shannon's death, Eddie, maybe involuntarily, leaned back into the “provider” role, and he looked for someone to fill the “mother” role for Chris. His next relationships were solely based on how much Christopher liked his girlfriends. He was focused, perhaps too much, on what he thought was best for Chris. He never noticed that Chris' didn't need another maternal figure, he already had everything he needed in Buck, Carla, and the rest of the 118.

The only relationship he had, prior to L.A. was the one with Shannon. The outcome of that relationship left him severely traumatized and unable to form emotional bonds with women. And anxiety when thinking of a future or marriage with them. He only valued his girlfriends regarding on how much Chris' liked them, removing himself completely from his own relationship.

Grief

since Shannon died, Eddie has never got the chance, or given himself the chance, to grieve her properly. He has constantly bottled up his emotions, until he couldn't anymore, resulting in extreme reactions. Or, on the other hand, completely gaslighting himself into believing something that wasn't true.

First, soon after she died, while dealing with the aftermath of the tsunami and its impact on Chris' he stated to develop feelings of anger towards her. To try and “process” his rage, he turned to illegal fight clubs, only stopping when he almost killed a man. Eddie then confessed to bobby he did that so that he could keep his anger under control as to not let Chris down, seeing he was the only parent Chris had left.

Second, during the subsequent seasons, Eddie started to completely morph the mental image he had of Shannon and their relationship. Shannon suddenly became the epitome of motherhood and the perfect wife. He completely stripped her out of her humanity, putting her on a pedestal or an example he should seek to obtain. All of a sudden, they never had any marriage problems, and he even forgot that she asked him for a divorce. Their marriage was only perfect since the day she died.

His delusions have reached their breaking point in s7. He quickly fell down into a hole after seeing a girl similar to his wife. He started pursuing her, even though he already has a girlfriend. Also, leading this woman into a situationship without her knowing about the wife.

It was only after buck said something, that he realized that he wasn't even sure of what he wanted from Kim. He soon after came clean to her, and tried to stop their relationship. (then she matched his 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 and actually got bangs and got into a weird role-play as shannon, to “try” to get Eddie to get over her, is suppose.... I don't even know what she was trying to do there😭😭😭😭). That is when Chris caught them. Eddie never intended for his son to see him in this broken state, and he had actually done a great job at hiding it until now.

This mistake does not erase how much Chris means to Eddie and all the things he has done to maintain Chris' wellbeing.

This is simply an example of a very broken man.

i wanted to clarify that when i refer to "catholicism" in the text im not talking about what the scriptures (Bible) say, i talk about how people interpret them in latam context. also im probably forgetting some things but I think this gets my point across.

[melit0n]

In no particular order, (or in order, if you can rank them) what are your top 5 Ethel Cain songs? 🎤

Oh Tonee, this is like opening up one of five music based Pandora boxes for me 😭 please forgive the rambling.

Family Tree from Preacher's Daughter

This song drives me MAD. I could talk about her vocals in every song, but her voice in this makes me buzz. The bass throughout is ominous and incredible: same can be said for the SFX. I'm a sucker for when artists add in extra things like that. The flies put me on edge (which links it to Ptolemaea and eventually Sun Bleached Flies) and the bell ringing out during the first chorus makes me feel like I'm attending a funeral. Literally 'for whom the bell tolls', which kind of foreshadows her death later on in the album.

I genuinely think the lyrics are the closets I've come to a religious experience. "They say 'Heaven hath no fury like a woman's scorn', and baby Hell don't scare me, I've been times before." Insane. Ate and left not a single crumb. Her dead tone on "I've killed before and I'll kill again", being a callback to Two-Headed Mother's "I've loved before, I'll kill again" is just. Ugh. I can't even describe it.

+ Special mention to Family Tree (intro). I haven't, and will probably never, get over "Jesus can always reject his father, but he cannot escape his mother's blood."

Televangelism from Preacher's Daughter

There's very few songs, to me, that encapsulate a painful yet quiet death well, and this is certainly one of them. It's a solemnly comforting tune. Considering lore wise, it's meant to represent Ethel's soul coming out of the basement after she's been killed, it makes sense.

The first half genuinely sounds like something the pianist in my Catholic School used to play before prayer started. The fact that it was entirely improvised is absolutely insane, too.

Plus, the incredibly smooth switch from August Underground to this is brilliant.

Ptolemaea from Preacher's Daughter

Literally every part of this song is amazing (pretty much all of Preacher's Daughter is a work of art to be honest). It's definitely one of the few songs that genuinely unnerves me; still has the same creeping, fearful effect after the hundreds of time that I've listened to it.

First, off: The title is a reference to the ninth and final layer of Dante's Inferno: betrayal. Ptolemy commits treachery (a betrayal of trust), which lands him in the ninth circle, hence its name. This is what Isaiah does to Ethel. It's a somewhat niche reference that I love.

Secondly, Death's monologue (some people also interpret this voice as Isaiah, the man who kills and cannablises Ethel by the end of PD, but I'm just generalising it as The Grim Reaper) is so, so eerie. The repetition switching between "Heard you, saw you, felt you, gave you" to "Need you, love you, love you, love you" with Ethel screaming and asking for him to stop in the background always gives me chills.

Thirdly, all the lyrics go hard in this one. "Calling me the one, I'm the white light: beautiful, finite", "Even the iron still fears the rot" and "I am the face of love's rage" are some of my favourites.

Honestly? The entire song puts me on edge. Listening to it, I feel like I'm millimetres away from the sharp point of a knife. The build up to her screaming "stop" is full of panic, but cathartic.

Two-Headed Mother from Inbred

The distorted guitar at the start mixed with her vocals itches my brain so well. Her tone and dictation in this is really 'soft' too, and more spoken than sang, which I adore. It sounds less like a song and more like being hummed an eerie tune as you drift in and out of sleep.

Overall, despite the topic (of both the song and album in general: it's called Inbred for a reason) the beat is an absolute groove. Never in my life would I have expected a song about trauma passed on from a mother so a daughter to have such a blend to it.

On the note of the topic, just, hello?? It mixes a mother's hatred and love and passes it down to a child who sees it in every man she sees. Let alone paints her lover in a horrible image in order to remove guilt from how badly she's treating him. Just how her dead mother still has dictation over her, she exerts the same amount of control on her lover. She knows very well that her two headed mother brought her here and can send her right back.

Head in the Wall from Golden Age

This one just encapsulates so, so much religious based anger and debilitating depression. Every single lyric oozes with pain and I always have to like, sit down when this comes on.

Growing up a Catholic kid, in a not so nice religious environment, yeah. Just yeah. Misogyny was rife and "It's always my fault: girls will be bitches, and boys will be boys" resonates with me a lot. I could say a prayer wrong and be told to sit outside in Winter to do my work for the rest of the day, and a boy could chase me around the playground, pull my hair and try to punch me and it's still be my fault because boys will be boys.

The whole song just illustrates a very depressive mindset, being more angry towards yourself, and then moving on to environmental factors to try and shift blame in an attempt to stop feeling shitty. For those reasons, I don't listen to Golden Age or Carpet Bed all too much because they sucker punch me right in the chest a little bit too painfully, but HITW is still a favourite.