#i just. i dont wanna go through that again. i cant i cant i cant i cant i. should go watch something to distract myself
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When you smile, I fall apart, and I thought I was so smart.
#fairy tail#jellal fernandes#lucy heartfilia#erza scarlet#gray fullbuster#natsu dragneel#juvia lockser#jerza#jellal x erza#nalu#natsu x lucy#gruvia#gray x juvia#natsu doesnt look great im sorry i just cant get his hair right#alos im sorry for hamilton posting in 2023#but it was spooking my mind and i had feelings#FEEELINGS i say#please let this post go through i dont wanna have to type all of the tags out again its too much#there arent even fairies in this show!
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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i know next season is supposed to be lestat focused (and im currently having a breakdown imagining him as a rockstar) but i would give ANYTHING to see a glimpse of how louis and armand were living in the current age before they invited their couple therapist. theres no way they figured out how to use the internet to its full potential. did rashid come over one day to set up their wifi and then ended up their little henchman. are their man snacks found on craigslist or something. armand said he didnt want daniel there so i can only imagine louis was annoying him 24/7 while he was trying to read on his kindle in peace 💀 the way louis is so adamant about getting this book made makes me think he was watching tv and one of those reality shows that covers old musicians came on and he saw lestat and started tweaking because no way did he think about old man dan's book out of no where
#this show is getting me through the kaisoo drought#but at what cost#going genuinely insane#im so excited for season 3. i cant believe i discovered a show that covers ALL of my interests#i literally had a vamp storyline like this on my sims save files so many times#like this is crazy.....#anyways as i was saying... i need this lore#the actual lore is so crazy i forget how wild it is that they invited daniel back after 50 years to redo a book#but like the book was VERY much a way for louis to call for lestat while pretending he isnt#and armand knew this and went crazy because louis is “covertly" trying to leave him or get les back... so why is it happening again.....#or subconciously trying. either way he cant stop thinking about lestat lestat lestat lestat#but why did armand even stay with him when he can see that. he couldve just gave up after the fight and let lestat take him back but didnt#and now 50 years later its literally the same but even worse because louis is speaking about the love along with the hatred so ??????#the books would answer this but i dont wanna read......#im gonna put off the books for 10 years like i did this show and then my mind will be blown#its going to take 2 years for season 3 isnt it.....#i need armand to wipe my memory so that i can forget how great this show is and go about my life#iwtv
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Narinder having a mental breakdown for a whole minute
Song: The Truth from 36 Questions
(It has nothing to do with the Baabaa kids AU, the AU Narinder is in a way better place by that plot point)
#a few missing details between scenes is just me not paying enough attention and i dont wanna go through it again just to fix it#would love to hear your takes on the story!!! perhaps#please dont just scroll through my video posts barely get any attention smh ):#its a little upsetting cause they take longer to make than drawings#i just cant NOT make videos i love videos#i will put all of my animatics in one video and post it on youtube at some point...#cult of the lamb#cotl#cotl video#cotl art#cotl lamb#cotl nariner#cult of the lamb narinder#cotl bishops#cotl leshy#cotl heket#cotl kallamar#cotl shamura#cotl aym#cotl baal
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the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person
#searching through the X6-88 tag on tumblr has not brought me joy#also. 1 thing about is that i hate hate hate the (i think) canon blue eyes he has. like. for fucking what#1st i saw them on tumblr and thought 'well thats stupid. whyd you give him blue eyes? so hed look special? thats weird. at least its uncanon#also. on god. i saw some post headcanoning the companions' appearances and it was p cool UNTIL they got to x6#and they gave him grey 'almost white' eyes for literally no reason. like if you want to go with the scary factor theres so many ways for it#but no. some people think that blue/grey eyes are sooo special. and for what#<- i have brown eyes but im not just being salty. it really sucks. i dont wanna be the one to call fandom racism but it does smell like it!#also like. i didnt want to go on a stupid tirade about racism in the tags again but the way fandom treats x6 AND preston is just upsetting#other people have made some very good points about it and im not going to repeat them here (also noones gonna read this)#but like... theres 3 'main' black characters that i remember: preston garvey (whom the stron majority of the fandom hates/disliked)#x6-88 (basically the players slave? also hated for being mean and unfeeling (which is justified imo). no quest no freedom no nothing)#and gloria (who i havent met in game but ive heard some actual criticisms of (like. the way shes treated ingame) and noone else talks about)#if theres any other Named and Important characters. sorry but i literally do not remember them#coming back to x6 being justified in being unemotional/mean. he was literally raised this way. he doesnt consider himself to be a person#being he was made that way. he is a Thing and hes meant for one job and hes made to inspire fear#and hes not supposed to have emotions so he just. doesnt. if he does he cant express them anyways#1 if fallout4 was a better written game (or 2 if x6 was white) i think thered be SO much fanfiction about him. the possibilities are endless#i have something brewing in the back of my head. i might start writing even though i suck and its going to be bad#ANYWAYS. general fandom thought on x6 are WRONG and im being a HATER. fuck everyone who doesn't like x6. if you dont like x6 get off tumblr#especially if you like gage but not x6. leave fr#i just woke up wtf am i doingggg
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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it sucks that shitty fans have made it impossible to celebrate canon queer relationships that they don't like and seem to have an influence on which ones get attention on social media. it sucks that it seems like no matter how much tim says he ignores fandom, it stills get to him. it sucks that oliver refuses to stand up for his costars when they're being harassed. it sucks that antis feel like they have the power to ruin good things for other people because they don't gain anything from it. it sucks that we all already knew this would happen because this show never changes no matter what network it's on.
#going back and forth between if i should just take a break from this show again#my excitement has been completely sucked out after the break up sure but especially after the reaction to the break up#fandom isnt fun because the fans are fucking evil and annoying about everything. the show isn't going in any direction.#grrr idk I shouldn't have expected more but canon bi buck really made me feel like we weren't going back to the days#of one dimensional love interests and storylines that go in circles#we'll see if i watch on thursday. im off so i can tune in at any point.#i want to see buck grieve this relationship in a respectful way but honestly at this point would be be respectful?#would they give buck room to breathe and let him work through his feelings? or will he mention he's kind of sad once and move on#because interviews are bullshit like always so oliver referencing buck coping could just be one scene where he's a little down#they cant treat bisexuality with respect they cant give their characters what they need what the fuck can they do#i dont wanna stop watching this show because i've been here since forever i love it but if no one gets movement#what story am i watching? whats the plot? buck's story just becomes shallow and fans who like b/ddie and ONLY b/ddie#take it as a win because they can keep projecting their vision on to him because he says nothing to prove otherwise#so they just become blank cardboard cut outs of the kind of characters they actually are#i'm tired
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WAKE UP! PIPER REDESIGN DROPPED!!
I know y'all don't even know her cause I never showed her, but she's my Obey Me! MC!! I might drop some old art soon idk I'd have to take a lot of pictures and i don't think i could fit them all in one post LMAOO!
THIS IS HER OLD DESIGN!!
There's really nothing wrong with her, I just got hit with urge for redesigns seeing other Obey Me! MC's, esp the ones based off the sheep mc. I still might honestly use aspects of this design for the new design.
imma be SO honest, I did not care for finding a stable outfit design so ignore this outfit, although I do think she'd wear cute and comfy clothes, and she at least always has a bell in her design, the bell is a must. this drawing was more so about her hair and colors(which I just color picked from the Obey Me! sheep mc icon.) I wanted her hair to be the sheep wool gradient and her side buns were inspired by horns. I did want to give her actual horns but she in a human MASSIVE SIGH!! I'll probably still draw her with horns just cause I think it'd b cute but it wouldn't be canon or anything. I also wanna go through and design outfits and new hair styles for her!
I don't have too much figured out for her personality or backstory wise right now. Og! Piper was one of my comfort characters, i have a LOT of art for her(most on paper) and she fit what I was going for but now I'm craving something new and I'm not sure what exactly I'm going for. I think personality wise I wanna do something closer to the in game MC, reckless being the main trait I'm thinking of, I can't see Piper too flirty(at least not on purpose LMAOO), I think she'd be ditzy and kinda out of it, very sleepy all the time, but I still want to keep Og! Piper's nerdiness so that's staying. She's also nosy, like the MC in the game and I can't see her getting scared easily, even getting angry or defensive against those who DO try to scare her(*cough cough* Lucifer *cough cough*) I still think that she's very kind and helpful and I want to lean into that sheep-like personality(I actually pet a sheep for the first time recently, sheep are so cute<3), she's def petty though, she doesn't like being seen as weak either. New piper has a LOT more backbone then og Piper had
#obey me#obey me nightbringer#obey me oc#obey me mc#obey me piper#obey me og!piper#def gonna go through and redraw the old piper drawings with the new piper#he who somehow got back into obey me despite not even really playing it again yet#he who is still on lesson 16 base game#i got the game a week after it released...#tbf im AWFUL at the surprise guest and have to look up guides because i cant handle them being mad at me#and i just dont have it in me to do that every time#and it happens SO frequently too and like i just wanna read the story#but dont wanna WORK for that juicy content#also had a BANGER idea of a edit with Lucifer and Piper to we both reached for the gun from chicago#with the gun being belphi#is that anything??
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heyo! it's been a hot minute since that post abt ur living situation after the hurricane(?) and all and just wanted to check in if you were doing ok!! it always makes my day to see you pop up on my dash or notes :D
hi!!! yeah, things have been calming down finally so there hasn't been much to report for me :)
i think i said it a few days ago, but im still without wifi rip. in fact, almost everyone i know is without wifi right now, and a lot are still only getting super weak phone connection at their house. mine works great at home but hardly does anything when im at work.
i think there's still a handful of people i know without power still, but most of us seem to have finally gotten it back! my coworker was yelling at me cus of how soon i had gotten my power back while he had still been waiting for his (he finally got it back a few days ago)
but yeah :) im still super anxious about every hurricane i hear about right now, and bc of altered work hours this week and my drs office closing early on fridays i still haven't figured out my medicine situation, but im less anxious about losing my power again and finally feel comfortable getting cold/frozen food again!
also still sad about the damage everywhere but that's not going away any time soon, so it's a grief ill have to learn to live with
#im glad i got my power back so im glad that i didnt have to go live with anyone else during that time#and also that my sisters didnt ask to stay with me since they got their power back much later than i did gjsjcjaj#i love them but Dear Lord i dont want to live with them again :'))))#i just toughed it out at my place and so did they#but ik several of my coworkers are staying with friends/family or did before getting their own power again#also yes hurricane helene! motherfucker. i like my state just fine but every day i get closer to moving elsewhere#and knowing now that we're ABLE to be hit by hurricanes???? that they've gotten string enough that they reach#the part of the state i live in?????#makes me wanna move cus i cant go through that shit again it SUCKED#i didnt even have it that BAD but DAMN DUDE#you think georgians are bad about essentials+gas when it snows but that hurricane raised the bar so damn high#ok ill stop rambling now fjsjfjjad#me getting off work: gosh im so tired i dont wanna think or talk to anyone else today at all#me the moment i start typing: and and aND AND AND AND#askers#elizeshiro#shh ac
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my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house
hey, whats up w/that?
#whenever we ‘hang out’ he likes 2 make the topic as depressing as possible by always talking abiut the past#& it is the most annoying shit ever i will not lie BC I DONT WANT 2 TALK ABOUT DEATH & THE ABUSE EVERY TIME I SPEAK 2 U#yk? thag makes sense in my head#anyways he started talking abiut how terrified he was when i had ran away multiple times a couple yrs ago & when i say a couple i mean#i have no idea how long ago bc memory is a bitch#but it had 2 b like middle school - sophmore?#multiple times & like i just wanna shake him bc LITERLLY WHAT & WHO DO U THINK I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM#GODDAMNN I H8 BING THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO CAN EXPRESS EMOTIONS & NOT LET THEM EFFECT HOW I VIEW THE OTHER#‘oh u ran in the park u ran in the park’ i didnt run in the fuckinggppaaarrkrkkkk AAAAAAAAAA I MET A NICE LADY WHO HAD A GOAT IN THE#SPARTMENTS I FRIECIENTED OFTEN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER#i cant express how safe the goddamn goat lady & her kid made me feel vs my parents who started hunting 4 me#like ive been dragged home so many times im not going through that shit again#i miss the goat the mom & the kid we were just chilling @ like midnight 4 a bit#did this turn in2 a vent? idk#i do this a lot ill prolly delete this soonish when im kore calm#bc rn i want 2 chuck bricks in my laundry machine & watch them fly out & hit whatever#im going back 2 watching anime if i have 2 talk 2 1 other person i will actually explode#like irl person not online the silly gay ppl in my phone r super cool & amazing & i love them#im srry 4 bing a dick btw#i cant explain it i mean i could but i cant im just my brain is telling me eveyr1 h8s me & MAN i h8 it when it does#so im just frightened & by golly & am i havign a cheery time yipyipyip#typing in tags is sm easier than in a post bc i dont think most ppl read tags lol#the more i think about my past the more i wonder wtf am i doing here#bc how did i even get out of the house in the 1st place & then ontop of that was able 2 hide#like what……#bc they were fucking grabbing me n shit & they have CARS like i didnt go in the park i walked the sidewalks HOW DID I MOT GET CAUGHT??#MULTIPLE TIMES??? LIKE I ‘ran away’ MULTIPLE TIMES#i didnt exactly run away tho bc i didnt want them 2 file police shit i didnt eant 2 deal w/that & also hirt the pll i stayed over w/#so i always went back. obviously blehhh#ug hj hhhh my heads hurting again this is like the 4th day in a row :((
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might remake to a new account entirely and change the name i go by
#depresso rant incoming skipp all this if you dont wanna hear it#txt#el/ena might have to become a deadname for lack of a better word sjdhfg#putting the slash because im beyond paranoid now#nothing on this earth is sacred i feel like ive lost the only safe space i had left#would you guys call me some silly name if i asked :-( fuck#shit im so hurt this is the worst#trying to be positive so im not just a huge drag but im so isolated in my real life and as stupid as it sounds#tumblr was becoming a little home id carved out for myself#and i feel like im never going to feel safe here again#but in order to tell you guys about a new blog url ill have to post about it which means they might see it too and uagshfg#and god it doesnt even matter bc my arts out there anyway and a few random 10k+ note posts so theres a chance theyll find me no matter what#and shit i loved so many of my old urls but i cant ever reuse them and i feel like im seriously losing my fucking mind trying to hide#like tumblr and having you guys was the only thing keeping me going through all this shit and it feels like ive lost all of that comfort#this is gonna be the worst fucking birthday ever dude just for that extra cherry on top like i seriously have nothing going for me rn SJDHG#denver and a few lovely mutuals to keep me kicking but oughgf#i feel sick#feel like i need to shower and scrub my soul raw to get this vile ass feeling out#god im sorry to be negative i rlly am i try to keep things cheery round here but im styeadily reaching my limit#and i want to reblog stuff to comfort myself but i dont want to reblog anything in case theyre watching and fuck im so dfjsfgjksfjkgsfkdgh#i could really go for a hug right about now s'all
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refraining from drawing now to force myself to play through the genshin event until im done, so i can freely browse through my dashboard/tl/ao3/tumblr inbox/my fridge again without untagged spoilers
#its not a boring event at all like last update with the stupid cards its just i rlly dont have mood/energy rn to play more than an hour#bc theres sm art i wanna do#but considering that ppl spoiled me in my inbox just recently and that i cant even safely go through ao3 either#and that now my dashboard is full with untagged spoilers and i dont wanna unfollow and refollow my mutuals i dont have a choice but#seat my ass and play until i can MOVE again omg#usually i always was up to date bc i always played in a normal pace to keep up but this is the first time im so#behind and have to avoid spoilers left and right this is the most tiring stuff ever honestly#i always tag my (new archon quest when update etc) spoilers and leaks but this just makes me wanna tag it harder LMFAO#babbles#tbd#anw i might turn quiet for however long ill take save for the random babble about my progress i guess#unless i get weak and DO start sketching bc smth inspired me mid game but lets just hope ill stay strong and dont fall to my urges
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Earlier I encountered another fun isat glitch while fighting the king but this time instead of Odile crashing my game she decided to just stop taking damage and tbh that's how it should be all the time. About to take damage? Don't.
#rat rambles#stars posting#ok well actually the glitch was that miras friend quest shield didnt go away the whole battle but shhh it funnier this way#also gotta love how the switch cant handle isat like At All lol#like I dont care because Im used to playing games at 2fps but its still funny#Im also getting close to the point that I can finally enact my grand plan of suffering#as in like Im right fucking there I just need to finish the ending again#finally did all the friendquests after delaying a bit to do some miscellaneous dialogue hunts instead#Im also probably gonna hang out in act 3 for a while longer to hunt for some repeat friendquest dialogue#I am itching to get to act 4 since I feel like theres a lot of dialogue there Ive never seen but I wanna be thorough#but yeah I might have to start watching another isat playthrough to entertain me for my grind tomorrow#Im not married to the idea of hard committing to the grind but I wanna at least try#because I simply want to see if I can#also the stronger sif and the rest of the party can be for the rest of the game the better#Im going to have to fight the king a lot more and I wanna be able to get through it at least fairly quickly#I dont even know how high level the game lets everyone go tbh but I can sure find out if I try hard enough#I might have to look it up and do some math to find out how bad of an idea this is lol
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yk the depression is hitting hard when you dont even have the energy to watching you favorite movies :(
#i really need to stop venting in the tags of my posts but ykw who cares#but yk when you grow up and the holidays dont feel special anymore?#like i fucking love halloween but lately i havent had the motivation to care about anything really#like if im being honest i just wanna sleep through today because nothing fucking makes me happy anymore#i just want to feel joy again#like time keeps going to fast for me#cant time just fucking slow down#i fucking blink and boom its been 4 years#just can time please fucking stop#remember when you were young about you couldnt wait ti grow up and now adulthood is practically right around the corner and you wanna scream#ANYWAYS
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I finally finished the latest patch, and WOWIE!!! (thoughts will go into tags)
#i love March so damn much#i gotta go through the cutscenes again to snag more icons for her#AND YANQING + YUNLI??? ADORE THEM#she's so bratty and he's so petty - it reminds me of my students at work#i heard people were ragging on them for being childish but like??? theyre kids#thats what they do lmao#i LOVE THEM for it#JY made me tear up dkddhisje#all it took was two damn words; “i know.”#HE SPEAKS TO YANQING SO PATERNALLY AND KINDLY I CANT#im not normal about JY okay - im just quiet about it xjhdoshekjd#AND GOD. DAMN. ALL THE NEW CHARACTERS ARE HOT.#Jiaoqiu? HANDSOME#but i wanna shake him around until he gets some sense into him#Lingsha? PRETTY#but as much as i love the big sister energy she has with Yunli - i dont trust her as far as i can throw her#FEIXIAO???? MA'AM#holy CRAP is she hot#not just visually - but they way she carries herself??? the way she SPEAKS???#i nearly lost my damn mind when she stopped Yanqing and Yunli's swords#not to mention the line - “since you dont want to be the bad guy - general - *i'll take care of that for you* ”#😳 **MA'AM!!!!!!!!!*#what a WOMAN#the only one im kinda “meh” on is Moze#maybe im influenced by the nonsense surrounding his VA#maybe im biased because he looks and acts like a ShadowBlues lovechild (megaman fans know)#but aside from a line or two getting a chuckle out of me - i dont really have an opinion of him#hot take; even Hoolay is hot#wtf Hoyo - you made the cannibal furry hot#mun speak
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