#i just want to not be able to think these things and feel shitty too :(
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I'm making my way through System Collapse audiobook, and it's much easier both the second time around and than reading. This whole thing still feels too real too much, which makes me kinda passionately hate the book but in a way that I know isn't really hatred. I'm just experiencing a lot of emotions, okay. Listening to them create art, tell a story to make people see things from a new perspective is doing something to me.
I was ten when I decided I wanted to tell stories. I was thirteen when I figured out what kind of stories I wanted to tell, and yes the stories I wrote back then were kinda shitty but I reread half of those recently, at fourteen I already had the same kind of vibe that still appear in everything I ever created afterwards: shit happens, and people do mistakes, and it all just sucks, and you keep living, keep trying, keep holding on to hope.
I was a fucking teen and I knew I wanted to tell stories that would take the darkest most tragic situation and say: there's still kindness there. There's still hope. There's still future. I don't like whump or angst or anything just because I like to torture characters (tho I do, like to torture characters), but because shit sucks. shit sucks, and we keep living, and we keep finding joy in it all, and I want, always wanted, to have someone tell me -- to be the one to tell this to people, that yes. It sucks. It hurts. It's awful, and I see you, and I see the hopelessness, and it isn't hopeless anyway. It's all encompassing now and it's gonna change. If just one person read what I wrote and felt a little better, a little more seen, a little more hopeful, a little kinder -- that was all I wanted to achieve with my writing.
And the thing is: I feel like such a fucking failure.
Like okay. Objectively, rationally speaking, I'm twenty... right, twenty two as of now, which is young, but also it's fucking twenty two and it's longer than I expected myself to be alive, and it feels like I haven't done nothing. It feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything. It feels like it's ridiculous of me to even hope that I could do anything, especially with writing. Achieve something with my stories? Make someone think about new things? Make someone feel better? It's a ridiculous idea to aim for. That's what other people do, somehow, not me. The best I can settle is entertaining myself by torturing characters, which isn't gonna help anyone but hey if it entertains someone for five minutes it has to be worth something. It fucking has to be, I so honestly don't know why the hell I'm still alive, but it has to be worth something otherwise it's too depressing to consider.
But anyway. Then, there's System Collapse. There's this whole series, honestly, with the fairly background exploration of what media and art can mean to people, but here it's loud and impossible to ignore in the front of the narrative, and it resonates with me in ways I can't be comfortable with. It somehow fucking hurts to think about. Too many emotions and thoughts and just ugh. I'm not gonna be normal about this book any time soon, am I.
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Can’t a bitch have a mental health day without someone immediately trying to make it theirs instead!
#the shitty thing about suddenly having all of these followers that interact with me now#is that I used to use this blog to scream into the void#like a little diary or something#but now I have an audience and it’s weird#anyway THATS WEIRD HUH GUYS#I’m like#hey idk im feeling really upset by these things going on in my life right now and I think I need some time#and THEYRE like#oh no yeah for sure#anyway suddenly I am also so sad and I cried myself to sleep and I really need your support right now#WHAT LOL#whatever whatever whatever#I guess I get to continue playing mom to my friend group#personal#I know I always play support#for you guys#and I know I’m always the DM#and I always listen to your problems and help fix them#and I’m always making you presents and packages and whatnot#but please#sometimes#just sometimes#I want to be able to be taken care of too
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casey also talks about sepang 2015 what do you think of that
oh in that podcast? uh... lemme listen again...
yeah idk it's not really anything new I'd say? he's said basically all the same stuff in more interesting and extensive ways elsewhere. I think casey inevitably has a very 'well feuding is bad and helps nobody' point of view, has expressed that before in the past, does it here again, and he's also drawn a parallel between himself and marc on several occasions. which... well, of course there's similarities in terms of public discourse or whatever, but the parallel really falls apart whenever casey argues the feuds cost valentino. like, I do think it's sometimes important to just. keep in mind. it's interesting that casey draws this comparison in his mind but that doesn't necessarily means he's right about this. I'm not sure how you'd argue that starting a feud with casey cost valentino anything competitively? you can argue it didn't help him I guess, and then we can have a debate about the ins and outs of the 2008 season. we can also have an argument that in a hypothetical world where casey isn't ill in 2009, valentino doesn't break his leg and casey isn't on a piece of junk in 2010, and valentino isn't on a piece of junk in 2011-12, then actually maybe valentino sparking open animosity with casey COULD have cost him. but we don't know that! didn't happen! I wish we could have found out, but we never got the chance! as it stands, the tally on this is pretty straightforward: casey won the title when things were reasonably civil between them in 2007, and valentino took control of the following season at the exact moment he worsened the relationship between the pair of them in 2008. obviously, it's all more complicated than that and casey would of course argue laguna didn't negatively affect his subsequent performances... but it certainly didn't help them. like, at the very worst valentino escalating tensions in 2008 is a complete net neutral. after 2009, them being bitchy to each other every other tuesday was completely competitively irrelevant beyond maybe affecting how they approached occasionally fighting for a podium position. hey, maybe casey used that feud to fire himself up through sheer spite throughout the later stages of his career, but that doesn't actually support his anti-feud stance - it's basically the exact same thing as what valentino does. they're both quite similar in that regard! always so hungry to prove a point, to show how someone else is wrong. kinda half the point with this feuding business is to get yourself going, get yourself motivated, yeah. he straight up openly admits to using yamaha's repeat rejection of him as a way of giving himself motivation, and at the end of the day that's really not all that different?
anyway, what else does casey say... oh yeah, that him and the other aliens were already kinda prepared for this and had learned vale's tricks. that valentino had only been able to get into the minds of the previous generation. welllllll *wiggles hand* sure, I mean, he did clearly have to change his approach... he couldn't just use the exact same playbook to get to them, either on-track or off-track. but that's why he did change up the playbook... again, whether you want to believe valentino won his final two titles 'in the head' rather than just through pure pace kinda depends on how you assess the evidence, but it is at the very least a debate. and, y'know, it's always worth remembering that valentino's most important mind games with casey didn't happen in a press conference... it was on the track. and the on-track stuff really is just embedded in how valentino approaches winning. speaking of aliens, this is what dani and jorge have said:
like, valentino's entire approach to his riding, even to the way he's setting his bike up, is deliberately about directly fucking with you... he's not actually always trying to be faster than you as much as he's trying to give himself the tools to make your life miserable, to pressure you into mistakes, etc etc... and again, especially with casey (if anything because he was so mentally sturdy), the off-track stuff was really just window dressing. (I know they bicker a lot after 2009 but it's just so fundamentally irrelevant to actual on-track competition.) so you can be aware of those tricks, but it also doesn't necessarily help you when someone's being nasty to you on-track in a way you just fully do not enjoy. which is what it was like for casey! for casey, a lot of this comes back to the truly unpleasant context of how he was perceived by the public, how he was treated as mentally weak or 'broken' or whatever partly because he had the misfortune of coming up against a bloke who had the reputation for breaking rivals. I think it's quite natural to end up with a bit of a hardliner 'actually I've never been mentally affected by a result in my life' stance - and of course casey is a lot tougher than a lot of people give him credit for. that being said. sometimes your rivals affect you, shit happens, it's part of the game. it's fundamentally a nice idea to think that valentino's tactics weren't just morally wrong but also ineffective, which is kind of the appeal of this narrative, right? you want to believe you're above that, you want to believe you were adequately prepared and wise to valentino's tactic. it's unsurprising and understandable that casey does tend to tell the story that way, but again it's *wiggles hand* also hard to describe it as completely factual
uh. what else. oh I'm thrilled casey does canonically know valentino and marc were friends, he has said he wasn't following motogp too much during that time period so you couldn't be sure of that. does this mean anything? does it tell you anything? well, no, but it's just a pleasing thought to me. I like that. oh also 'provoking particularly aggressive riders isn't a good idea' is kinda a funny take from casey? like, he of all people would hate the idea of being cowed by someone's reputation like that... casey's right that provoking fast riders can potentially be dangerous, but y'know I do think that's probably not news to anyone almost nine years later. um. that's all I've got I think
#i will say idm getting asks like this AT ALL but i do hope that's not like. the only bit of the podcast people are paying attention to#my thing with sepang 2015 takes is that like... when's the last time anyone has said anything genuinely interesting about that event#which yes big words from the feud blogger... but in fairness a lot of the sepang 2015 stuff is from old notes. that's my excuse idc#but that's kinda the thing... i feel like i haven't really had a new original thought about the whole drama for three plus years#u do kinda run out. basically the takes say more about the person saying them than about the actual event at this point#which. yeah. casey's comments on sepang '15 are primarily interesting in what they tell you about how he feels towards valentino#mind u he's actually quite nice about valentino in this one? casey call him let's finally organise that dinner#heretic tag#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#oh casey does go on another spiel against riders who win at all costs. ships that passed in the night of feuds i always say#also he gets the age he enters the premier class at wrong. i held myself back in the last post from pointing this out for tonal reasons#but if people want my podcast hot takes. i do simply have to mention it. just to set the record straight here#'they battle for podium places after 2009' genuinely. twice. like the alien era giveth but a lot of the time it really does just taketh#somewhat ironically casey wins the duel when he's on the shitty ducati and vale wins the duel when he's on the even shittier ducati#whatever that tells you idk#casey was always promising the laguna rematch would've gone differently and I love that conceptually but also we just don't know#he was like next time I WON'T play nice and it's like?? omg what does that look like. casey what were you cooking#for ethical reasons it's probably fine but for character arc reasons it's objectively ass that casey ended up being able to do all his -#- racing in a way he was entirely comfortable with for his second title in 2011. like it's just a complete waste of a year#you have this whole thing building for four years and then 2010 comes along and it's like. well that's enough narrative intrigue now! <3#also casey/jorge are fundamentally too interesting as individuals to have had such an obscenely boring on-track rivalry and yet here we are#it KILLS me because if you rearranged it and made valentino's dogshit ducati years like. 2009 or something#and do a straight title fight between jorge and casey THEN I genuinely think it would've been way more interesting#the problem with valentino is that he is fundamentally the WORST imaginable character you could invent to be casey's foil#literally everything about valentino could have been designed to be a casey-specific nightmare#but unfortunately that also makes him objectively the most interesting rival casey could have gotten#like morally it's on the edge. but narratively? literally could not have gotten a better villain in casey's story#constantly dancing on this faustian line of having to imitate valentino to beat him while trying not to lose yourself... juicy
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There's a lot about discussion of hdwr that baffles me (not all discussion to be clear, because i do think there's a lot of good discussion about hdwr. But equally so are there the ones that make you wonder if you're reading the same story) and I think one that is especially annoying is the constant infantilization of miwa as this passive eternal victim. It drives me up a wall because this is quite literally an issue she's struggled with within the text of the story! She had an arc about how she dislikes how people treat her this way like towards the beginning of the story! And like even ignoring that, this story is about like nuanced and realistic portrayals of being in relationships and learning how to navigate them and so it's like what's the point if you're going to immediately reduce the characters to "the victim" and "the victimizers?" Is that even interesting? Is that a useful lens to look at interpersonal relationships?
#how do we relationship#hdwr#this is about the poll in the subreddit but i also saw similar comments (mostly about sae) on the website i was initially reading hdwr#i dunno like i'm like miwa fan numero uno so like i get ardently defending her but in my opinion#part of what makes these characters interesting is that all of them are extremely flawed in ways that can negatively feedback on each other#miwa has also done bad things to the other characters and been bad for them as well#i do think miwa repeatedly trying to turn being fwb with sae into a second chance despite sae clearly saying no#and repeatedly breaking sae's boundaries during that time was bad and shitty of her#i do think her avoiding tamaki and trying to supress her feelings despite that not being what tamaki asked for or wanted was bad andimmature#i do think that while miwa was under no obligation to say it to her i do think miwa's inability to tell sae that she loved her#even while asking to get back together was undeniably bad for sae as someone who had insecurities about being loved#personally these things are not unfortunate irredeemable aspects of her character#nor do they justify or excuse what happens to her#but instead characterize her as being inexperienced with romance and having strong feelings she isn't always able to completely express#or understand fully. this is an aspect of her character that is relateable and understandable to me#i find it hard to say that if i was in her position i wouldn't make the same mistakes as her#and like this is just one aspect of miwa's character. she of course has more than this which is why i am miwa fan numero uno but also#the same is true for like all of the main cast#they have depth and flaws that are relateable and realistic. even if you don't like a character's actions they're internally consistent#within not only the character themselves and the context of what they've been through but also the narrative itself i feel#which is why i like this story#so it feels unfortunate to flatten that all into who hurt who more or who is innocent and who is evil or whatever#like yes i obviously do think what sae did in like volume 5 was bad i also think what she did in vol 1-4 were also various shades of bad too#yes i do think what tamaki did in 103 was obviously bad#i mean ch. 119 and ch. 120 most likely are about exploring the consequences that has had on miwa#i just don't think it's useful interesting or even correct to look at those events as 'bad people doing bad things'#also while not related to miwa i think people who treat yuria and sae's relationship this way also baffle me i cannot understand it#channel 3
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Hey padfootastic,
Was scrolling through hp posts and saw a post where people were fighting over Remus situation. So just wanted to know your opinion bout it. Do you think Remus could have done better in PoA? He was a professor, responsible for the safety of others.
No matter how much I love Sirius but at that time he wasn't innocent in others mind, so hiding a big detail that could have affected the whole situation, hell, had Sirius really had been behind harry, he would have been dead cause our little innocent Remus here thought that it was a good idea to not tell them how Sirius had all the resources at his disposal. How easy it was for him to sneak into Hogwarts and harm harry and others.
It really was dangerous and well indirectly he did prove Snape right no? What do you think could have happened had Remus had guts to tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an animagus?
On the other side, oh man! I can imagine Sirius being all furious and depressed at the same time. He'd need to go for another plan, he'd think that now he won't be able to even see Harry easily and many more difficulties. Ugh
Imagine the angst after after innocence thing, Sirius letting go any single drop of love he might have had for Remus and treating him like a any other person. No different. Remus hating himself more and more and Sirius just. Not. Giving a. Single. eff. About the whole damn thing. I cant-
Please tell me what you think bout the whole situation.
yoooooo
i love this lol people asking me for my remus opinions never gets old bc i have endless salt to provide. i will never not be annoyed by that cretin.
okay so. PoA. i don’t often focus on that part of his whole arc (which is, funnily enough, one of the only concessions to remus’ ‘flaws’ that i’ve seen the remus fans give lol) but it’s honestly so??? like it’s literally one of the best examples we have of how self preservation is literally built into his core. iirc he doesn’t do it bc he’s afraid of how dumbledore would perceive him? doesn’t want him to know how they (he) broke his trust? and he’s willing to damn an entire school of students PLUS his best friends son to an alleged mass murderer for it. he will have that on his conscience rather than self introspection a bit and get thru the hard part.
i’ve seen people call him brave for a variety of reasons which all begin and end w his lycanthropy but i’m gonna be honest, he’s one of the most cowardly characters in the series in my opinion. every single time he has to make an active decision that might compromise his sense of self/perception or even just his peace of mind, he backs off. retreats. runs the fuck away. attacks outward. doesn’t take responsibility.
i think snape was both right, in that remus was helping sirius but wrong, because it wasn’t out of any friendship or responsibility. it was just a way to save face for himself. also probably him not wanting to confront any difficult feelings or memories.
wrt if he had told dumbledore? man idek. i literally can’t imagine it and surprisingly, haven’t read any fics exploring that option either 🤔 sus, that. also very telling lol maybe tightened security? disappointed dumbles? i cant see any major changes tho bc even sirius as a grim was pretty well hidden except maybe anti animagus wards if those r a thing?
also yes!!! i think sirius should be allowed to be angry and disappointed more often. he should be spitting mad about the fact that not only did remus not care a lick about harry, he also gave up so easily on sirius. i think he should be allowed that space.
#remus lupin critical#sirius black#gonna be honest#if i wanted to think too much about remus#and look too deeply into things#psychoanalysing him—as much as u can words on paper—is actually rly fun#like how his sense of self is tied into presenting this decorous version of himself when the monster lurks close underneath#except the monster isn’t even the lycanthropy#it’s just his shitty personality lmao#sorry sorry. ‘difficult’ personality#wrt sirius.#i think. he forgave remus pretty easily in the shack bc there were bigger things at hand#but i have a feeling if he got proper treatment and food and a roof and a decent support system#that’s when he’ll actually be able to process the trauma of his betrayal#esp from the closest quarters#and i include mcg in this btw.#and that’s when he’ll really be able yo read them all to filth#or someone doing it on his behalf (except i can only rly see harry or james doing that. or maaaaybe lily)#but yeah. emotional sirius except done the right way#pen’s asks
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New Transmission The fucking Scientific Instrument Class Pseudocons apparently developed what they're calling "Hetero Sapience" and are corrupting the brainmodules of the non-Pseudo 'cons around them by using annoying xenophilosophy words. Soundwave tells me they're 'Greek' and 'Latin' words, apparently. Cool, I guess? Anyway, if you see any SI Class 'cons causing... issues, just try your hardest to turn your brainmodule off before you start getting infected with their weird lingo, alongside all the other issues pertaining to letting the SI Pseudocons transmit data into your brainmodule in their own weird ways. Thundercracker, on a bet with Starscream, tried to get into an argument with one of them and his head literally exploded when it started talking about Alpha Trion's "Mythological Origins" in its weird dialect. He's mostly fine, CR Pods are working at 'peak' efficiency, but the facial reconstruction is apparently impossible due to some kind of corruption. I thought it was just some weird prank but there weren't even any scorch marks or anything. Just exploded. So yeah, just avoid optical contact and auditory contact to the best of your ability and you should be fine. Otherwise, try to force-shutdown your brainmodule if you can. Shockwave is working on a cure right now, mostly because I know he had something to do with this in the first place so he's going to be the one to fix it. He probably wanted a greater justification to do that weird data-transfer idea he mentioned previously. But it also explains the weird Thunderwing hypotheticals he's been asking me lately... Can I go one fucking cycle without someone trying to "Perfect Thunderwing's Work" or whatever other idiotic drivel that I keep finding our limited energon reserves siphoned into?? It's not even a Shockwave thing, it's like every damn Cybertronian these days thinks they have the "Missing piece of the puzzle" or whatever. In fact, Shockwave might be doing this as a weird threat against the other R&D 'cons to cement himself as the one and only Decepticon "Allowed" to have resources wasted on projects like that. Ugh, now that I think about it, that's probably a correct assumption and he's probably gonna expect me to thank him for it later. Ugh, and he's probably literally right. Ugh. At least his repairs both to himself and to his lab seem to be mostly complete so further research into the SI project should hopefully come along a little faster. Both Shockwave and Soundwave think the SIs could potentially be used as some kind of specialty weapon, but we'll have to see how they work on sparkless lifeforms, like biological lifeforms or xenomechanical lifeforms. The SIs don't seem to corrupt each other, but Shockwave keeps reaffirming that they're not "Sparkless Lifeforms" because they "were never lifeforms to begin with"... but I think he's trying to hide something. Usually Soundwave is the one to pick up on that kind of technological obfuscation, but he actually agreed with Shockwave and offered to send Ratbat to try to work out exactly what each "sapient" SI is now capable of on a personal level. We could have just had regular Cybertronians aboard to fill the role SIs fill. I would've preferred K Class to fill any role an SI could fill in all honesty!! But no, constructing cold wasn't enough, we just had to try to learn how to "Construct Frozen" and the "Absolute Zeroes" just had to be put on my ship. Whatever. I've probably said too much already. This was supposed to be a warning for my ship crew, but it's looking like it'll end up being transcribed on the golden disk as well so when this new Scientific Instruments of Destruction project backfires in some absurdly bombastic way there will at least be something remaining that says I was right. End of Transmission
New Transmission Okay so I was right, but so was Shockwave and Soundwave. Or, well, they were right just enough to make sure the backfire is postponed for at least another handful of cycles. Ratbat is still in CR from the investigation, but the cure Shockwave developed seems to be effective and Thundercracker is out and aiding the repair effort. Shockwave is now in contact with one of the SIs digitally and the other few are... integrating due to the personal efforts of Soundwave. I suppose now would be pertinent to mention not all the SIs developed the "Hetero Sapience" condition, many of them are safe for interaction. Soundwave is also currently monitoring their presence, Ravage is tasked with the regular SIs and Laserbeak is tasked with the "Sapient" SIs. Shockwave probably knows exactly what caused this event but he is preoccupied with the one he no doubt is either indoctrinating or ruthlessly interrogating. Report to Soundwave if you see any suspicious behavior, he has been working very hard to ensure the SIs have their purpose clearly defined (And closely monitored). And, Starscream, stop trying to convince the SIs that you are the leader of this ship. Not only have the majority of your efforts been wasted on subsentient automata, the only one you have actually found who possesses the ability to truly listen to you immediately came to the bridge to complain about you. They were the first sapient SI I communicated with directly and it was because they felt the need to complain about you. I almost feel embarrassed for you. Come back to the bridge so you can apologize to it or so I can teach it how to laugh at you. It's practicing right now actually! This moment of chaos should hopefully be largely under control now, the actual "population" of Scientific Instrument Class Pseudocons was actually quite fewer than initially expected due to an indexing error incorrectly labeling certain shells as SI class. At the very least, we have some more specialty warriors because of it all. End of Transmission EOF
#yippie peace through tyranny!!#nemesis posting#Decepticon High Command Slice of Life rambles#Matrix Visions#I like this “chat” font I think it's cool#spacebridge still needs more time in the oven unfortunately#I'm also procrastinating on that because I can't seem to wrap my head around guestmount but do not want to send backup files one at a time#wegh. It'll get done. Eventually.#I'll have so much more bullshit once I actually finish the damn comic my wife radically altered my life with hehehe#I cannot wait to start posting about Alpharius Trionicon. He's the fucking worst if you couldn't tell by name alone and I love him so much#Anyway I just had a very specific joke/pun in my head in the shower then it turned into a whole *thing* like it usually does.#I usually don't explain shit but the shower idea centered around getting the SI acronym to work for hyper specific jokes.#Still can't decide if I want to lock in on “Scientific Instrument” because it fits *so well* for *so many reasons*#But “Synthetic Intelligence” is more generic in a more understandable way... Eeh.. It's a little *too* generic. “Instrument” is cooler.#Once my wife helps me understand her lil fucker more I'll come up with an even shitter joke using “Y/N” so I can do Y/N x SI x SI bullshit!#Oh! The matrix triune project is coming along slowly as well!! I think I mentioned that microphone project once or twice now hehe#I'm gonna make so many shitty covers of songs once I get the soundproofing to start focusing on vocal training stuff#It's been quite a fun time aboard the nemesis!! There's so much to “Blog” about that it's hard to really know when to start *or* stop hehe!#And the fact that all these projects are all interwoven is so fucking wonderful!! I FINALLY feel able to fully grasp my own focus!!#My brain is like a particle collider for certain interests now. I can reliably just.. Spit things out and tie it into the other interests!#It's sometimes exhausting but in such a new way. Like a relieving exhaustion?#Still figuring that part out!!#Anyway that's enough personal project vagueposting I should really be getting back to work hehe this was fun
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thinkin again about the time elyss's DM cut in to stop a conversation between her and a semi-retired player character to hurriedly take back control of him as an NPC before he could give her, as an extremely kind and thoughtful gift, one of his own personal belongings, and then said 'elyss can probably buy it from him though :)' instead
like. what an egregiously fucking shitty thing to do, actually.
#I think we were caught SO offguard that neither of us was able to articulate a good resistance although we both tried#eldryn's player: ...I mean... he WAS going to just give it to her#DM: haha well I don't wanna just give you guys too much stuff [???]#me: I mean-- you JUST gave us like? ten thousand gold and a castle that we didn't even ask for ......?#I HAVE the money [2000g????] and I don't actually care about losing it but.............???#DM: yeah so I just feel like I've already given you guys a lot lately#WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS: THAT WAS A GIFT BETWEEN CHARACTERS NOT 'THE DM GIVING US TOO MUCH'.#WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'YOU ARE CHANGING A KIND GESTURE FROM A GOODHEARTED MAN INTO A CRAVEN EXPLOITATION OF ELYSS FOR MONEY.'#WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'TAKING OVER A PLAYER CHARACTER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ELYSS TO HAVE A THING#'IS AN ABUSE OF DM POWER AND AN EGREGIOUS BREACH OF DM/ PLAYER TRUST.'#WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID WAS 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ELYSS AND/OR ME PERSONALLY.'#and like. the actual consequences are so small. we were in a between-arcs timeskip we had BBEG Treasure Hoard money#Elyss loses 2000g and doesn't even miss it. Eldryn being a good friend IS canon and the DM can suck my dick about it#but on principle. on principle the fact that he did that. that is so incredibly shitty. you don't see that?#and for what? over an arbitrary price tag that I could afford without even missing it anyway?#over a magic item that's more psychological security blanket than anything particularly overpowered?#over powerplay dick waving over who REALLY gets to control Eldryn now that he's technically been retired as a PC?#what?? what is the reason??? ALL it accomplished was a fucking character assassination of a sweetheart character#which I think we've all privately decided didn't actually happen anyway because it's stupid and terrible and not fair of DM to Just Decide#and my already pretty flimsy trust in my friend as a DM sinking to unforeseen new lows#god. god.#about me#my OCs#elyss
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tbh its a little darkly funny to me that my misophonia is so bad that even my family who usually refuses most explanations for why im Like That and go "no no no youve got absolutely nothing wrong with you and youre a perfectly neurotypical abled person" heard me say i might have misophonia and immediately went "yeah that sounds about right"
#sometimes it gets watered down and i dont really think they Get It and think its more abt me refusing to get past it#but its wild how this is the one illness i am just like 100% sure about and do not have any paranoia that im faking whatsoever#mostly bc it just defines my life#i mean all that other stuff does too but this is the one thing that just rules over me and makes day to day stuff so difficult#and just sorta. informs me as a person i guess.#i could get into how lonely and shitty it feels to have it and how it feeds into my paranoia that im a disgusting person deep down#and makes me worry ill never be able to live with people or have people want to stay with me once they realize how debilitating it is#but i wont do that for now. lol
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I get mad about Fb posts too!! I struggle with being jealous of others and it makes me hate myself. I wish I wasn't like this lol
I relate to this so much omg
#I’ve been struggling a looooot with jealousy and being envious#I think it’s just hard to see people I know thriving when I’m trying so hard to simply survive#I haven’t been able to go over to my sisters new place cause I’m just too jealous#and I HATE it cause I want to be happy for them#it’s a big thing to get a place or get married or have a baby or whatever#that’s huge and if it’s someone I know and love I want to be happy for them#but I can’t help but also look at myself and my own life#and get incredibly sad and upset that this is how my life is turning out#I wanted to do so many things with my life#but this stupid mental illness is fucking everything up#I’m just so so so sick of it#I want to live a normal life like other people I know#I went over to a new friends place and I’m still thinking about it#she’s depressed and struggling with chronic illnesses like I am#but she got married a few years ago and the husband is helping so much#they have this beautiful townhouse that I would KILL for#and they have a golden retriever#and it’s just so hard to see someone who is struggling like I am but still has all of these things#I’d fucking kill for a pet or a place of my own#I’m so SO sick of living here and not having a safe space I can go to when I need to be by myself#just having my car is such a shitty feeling#but I know I’m privileged I have a roof over my head and I have a car I can run to#I just wish I was in her position or everyone else who is in a better position/situation than I am#and I know I know it’s not all black and white I’m sure there are struggles behind the camera that I’m not seeing#but it’s still the fact that they have a place to go to or they have a dog to be with and get comfort from#it’s just so fucking hard#I can’t help compare my life to theirs every single time I see a happy post#and don’t even get me started on how much I spiral when I see they are younger than me and doing better than I am#ooooooh boy#ask
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I've always really wanted to make music (almost all of the 250 notes on my phone are lyrics I've been compiling for months and there were hundreds more on my other phones that are lost forever now) but I've been so scared and idk why. I should just do it because I think I'll regret not doing it but there's so many things I'm scared of.
I feel overwhelmed when people talk about making music and it sounds so hard and like their process is so intense and requires so much knowledge and equipment and and *insert x thing they need here* and I'm over here, recording a bit of audio on my phone and trying my best with pre-made instrument loopers on a free app. Idk, it's like somehow people convinced it can't be easy or I'm doing it wrong and I honestly still don't know if they were right or not
#im also so scared about people not liking my music#but also scared of people liking it too#its like i dont want people i know to hear it i think because their opinions matter too much to me maybe#im scared people i know will like it and actually really listen and realize im talking about myself and see me differently or smthn#its not that theyll see me differently... its that theyll see me at all#thats a terrifying thought#but sometimes i also wonder if some stranger on the internet will listen to a song- maybe just once or twice#but for a small moment theyll be there with me in a way#getting lost in what the song feels like and appreciating it#maybe it will be the shitty song someone shows their friends when they pass the aux#maybe as an artist I'll be some small treasure to a few people. something that they feel they can keep forever even tho it isnt me#idk i like those thoughts i think. i dont want to be famous or anything i just kind of want it to be recorded#i want to be able to be seen even i dont ever decide i want that#i want to make something that i love now and in 5 years listen back on and go 'wow this sucked ass lmao. good for him'#i want to know something and i dont know what it is but i feel like if i keep digging and writing and exposing myself#and thinking and trying and making things... maybe I'll be able to give form to some new concept#maybe ill put it into words- what i really want to say but dont know how to. maybe ill make something out of these abstractions and chaos#and most of all... maybe I'll actually enjoy it too
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#when will this negative thoughts stop? lol#it just keeps on coming and am like here sitting in my bed#trying to act like am fine but am so so close to breaking down lmao#seriously I have many days like this now and I cant seem to stop it#i just want to not be able to think these things and feel shitty too :(#i want it all to go away#i just want it to stop#coz if I do broke down out of nowhere Idk what to do#and I dont want to bother anyone too#i dont want to be burden#i dont want to be a pain in the butt for anyone#i just wanna be okay lol#but its not happening coz of me too lmao#fuck#personal
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Ahm more vent stuff my brain is all over the place today
#you know it’s wild to jump from ONE shitty relationship into another#and then I was like yea no I’m not gonna date again#and then… meeting the nicest most amazing dude while fucking CRUISING#..I almost ruined this too because I didn’t think I wanted another relationship#but#he sees me#he treats me like I’m worth something#the other day I felt so bad because I just#we were sitting together and next thing I knew I was sobbing#you know how he dealt with it?#he just held me#asked if I wanted to talk about it or just let it out#you know how good it feels to just be able to let it out and not have to be all#yea well I was groomed and raped and mentally ruined#oh woah fuck#sometimes it’s wild to even admit to any of it cause I buried it from EVERYONE#my mom didn’t know I was seeing an older woman when I was 14#didn’t even know I was …‘dating’ at the time#didn’t know about the man who ruined my view on men until I was about 22..#in fact therapy has taught me to just. stop hiding it#even tho I.. still haven’t told them#I won’t either I refuse. they don’t need to know I don’t think they just need to know I’m happier now#and not a wicked smoker and drinker 😂#it’s why I journal so much it feels great to get it out
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Worried that my health stuff might be acting up again augh
#PLEASE I don’t want another several weeks of this#I’m feeling super low energy and brain foggy and generally shitty#which makes me anxious because that’s usually how it starts when my symptoms start getting worse again#I’m crossing my fingers that this is just because I’m on my cycle or because I ate fast food today#for the first time in a while#and that it’s not the same health stuff I had going on for the last couple months#but I’m worried#we never figured out what was going on with me and it went away after a couple months#and I’ve been way better lately but the past week or so I’ve been feeling gradually worse and have been really low energy#I do have an appointment on Monday I think to redo some blood tests and stuff#but the first two times they ran those tests they didn’t find anything wrong even though my symptoms were awful#so if it is coming back I kinda doubt that this time will reveal anything#but maybe this will convince them to do other tests or refer me to a specialist or something#At least I’m taking fewer classes this term#so I won’t have quite as much stuff to balance#but money is tight because of how much work I missed last term so I can’t afford to miss a lot more#and I’m supposed to start volunteering at an animal shelter in a couple weeks which I’m really looking forward to#and I’ve been planning to get a dog soon-ish#and I would hate hate hate to have to postpone any of that stuff even more#and I just. can’t keep dealing with this. I hate being sick I hate not being able to do things I’m tired of it#I’m trying not to spiral or worry too much because anxiety definitely makes me feel worse lol#and this could be nothing it could be unrelated to whatever health issues I was having earlier#but it makes me nervous#the being of chaos speaks
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played some more mother 1 i died to the magicant dragon like seven times in a row . awesome
#last attempt ana died turn one i just gave up after that#i dont want her to lose out on the exp… plus shes rhe only one w superhealing in case someone else goes down#ive heard it can get oneshot if u just use a superbomb but part of me wants to actually beat it#idk#seems pretty impossible at the level im at rn tbh i might just give up and do that#i got lifeup beta on ninten before one of the attempts on rhe way to the dungeon thingy but i reset the game after i died cuz i didnt#wanna lose the money i had on me and i still havent been able to learn it again -_- really annoying but also it hasnt been too necessary#since i gave evrryone h2o pendants and started setting up psi shields turn one#honestly the biggest issue is the physical damage (its pretty much guaranteed to oneshot ana even with boosted defense)#only way to combat that is just grinding i think which i dont really wanna do since the best place#just based on the general feel of enemies so far for me to do that would be the desert#i dont think you can teleport there and im kinda sick of walking all the way there#right after i got the cactus melody i wanted to use the ocarina to play what i had so far but i accidentally used the onyx hook#and i still had to do the whole monkey cave thing so i had to walk all the way back 😭#oh my god im realizing how whiny this sounds its like. im not as frustrated as ive seen some ppl get w this game but understand this is lik#the most time-wasting game in the world. walking anywhere takes forever cuz of the horrible encounter rate and shitty map design#genuinely i dont mind as much of this games jank as i probably should but the backtracking is insane#especially when you actually take advantage of the onyx hook. at least i have teleportation now stuff will#probably be a lot more streamlined from now on#inquisitivewaltz.txt
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The hero didn’t really think much of you when he first saw you. After all, you're just a pretty little saint that grew up with praise inside the gleaming walls of a church, never knowing any suffering. He doubts you’ll be able to keep up with him during his journey to save the world.
All of his initial disdain for you disappears when he begins his journey with you. You’re funny, you’re kind, you’re generous. Your healing ability from the gods isn’t the only thing that seems to heal him – just your presence, just your laugh, just you. You make life – his journey – a little more bearable.
So how – how could they? You’re his light, you’re his everything, and yet… They want to sacrifice you? That’s why you were chosen to be his partner for his trip? And you’re just standing there, unwilling to fight your fate.
“I’m okay with disappearing,” you murmur, wiping his tears away with hands that are turning to stone. “If I can save your life with my own, then I’m satisfied.”
But he’s not. He’s not satisfied, not when you’re not by his side. When he sees you turn to stone, your skin replaced with beautiful white marble, he vows to do anything to bring you back to his side.
Using the power of the gods, he turns back time again and again and again so he can save you – so he can be with you.
But you meet the same fate over and over and over again. Again and again and again.
…Then who cares? Who cares about this shitty world when it’s without you?
The next time you return to consciousness, the world is in disarray, covered in murky fog and the smell of blood. The next thing you know, you’re being pulled into a warm embrace.
“You’re alive…” the hero says, hugging you close. His warmth is suffocating. “Yes… I should’ve done this from the start instead of turning back time…”
“W… what’s happening?” you ask, heart feeling too heavy, like stone, in your chest. “What did you do…?”
“Nothing, everything, anything.” He nuzzles your neck, savoring your warmth. It sends chills down your spine. “Anything to have you by my side. Even if it means destroying the world.”
#yandere oc#male yandere#yandere x reader#yandere x you#tw yandere#tsuuper ocs#yandere hero x reader#yandere imagines#reader is the type of person that'd sacrifice themself to save their loved one#yandere hero is the type of person that'd sacrifice the world to save his loved one#yandere boyfriend#yandere oc x you#yandere oc x reader#Elias Lightrend Tsuu OC
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【Go on and Love Me】
୨୧ — ꒰ male!reader | he/his prounouns | Sagau | Genshinimpact
୨୧ — ꒰ Streamer!Reader who gets sidetracked by people's donations/chats making the genshin characters feel jealous
Ft. Xiao, Wanderer, Kinich, Traveler
A/n: inspired by la2yn0va hsr fic
X I A O
(Name) happily smiled at another donation sent to him after recently completing a natlan quest
"Thanks for the 20 bits donation!"
He thanked the chat with a wide smile, the chat which was filled with people commenting every second flooding the entire screen making (Name) shift his focus to answer their questions about himself.
This cute interaction made (Name) feel warm and lovely in the inside, being able to interact with fans who admired him.
You know who wasn't happy? A dark headed male inside a screen wasn't that happy unlike (Name). Why were these people gifting you so low? Most of all why was (Name)'s attention not on him anymore?
He had to pull alot of strings to make his own crit rise up since (Name)'s luck on the Vermilion domain was absolutely dog shit.
(Name) — Hm? My favorite character in genshin?
Xiao — You called?
Xiao unintentionally blurted that out without any thoughts whatsoever, but when he did realize and saw (Name)'s confused face along with the chat going wild.
Without any choice Xiao did his idle animation to hide his face away from you, he used his mask so that Xiao won't face you for a while since he was in a very vulnerable state
(Name) — New mail? Sweet 300 primos!
(Chat) — Fr? I didn't get any new mail from hoyo yet.
(Name) — Well.. Free primos is free primos
If (Name)'s happy then he'll rest easy today. Hopefully no rumors circulate about what happened earlier.. Self aware fanfics are crazy these days.
W A N D E R E R
Wanderer stared at (Name) blankly, he was too busy thanking people with countless of donations to even realize they were still in a boss fight farming material's for upcoming characters.
Wanderer became (Name)'s fan ever since he saw him at that temporary event named 'Unreconciled Stars Event Quest The Crisis Deepens'.
Smug mf since he made (Name) hit hard pity for him. But was kind enough to give you his c1 after 140 wishes
(Chat) — Why don't you change your main (Streamer Name)?
An irk mark appears on Wanderer's face but wasn't that visible on screen.
Is this swine telling (Name) to replace him with someone else? Hard pass. He was already stolen from (Name)'s attention and now these nobody's are trying to persuade him into maining some other weak random than him.
Just so happen that (Name) spotted a chest nearby and happily went over to open it, Wanderer took this opportunity immediately
(Wanderer) — Unnecessary.
(Chat) — Is it just me or is his voice rougher than usual?
Damn right it's rougher since he just wanted to vent his anger out on any enemies on sight
The chat won't know but what he had said was directly targeted at them, if only he could say every insult known to man right now
So (Name), keep your eyes on him only and no one else, then maybe he'll make his attacks stronger if you comply
(Name) — Well to answer your question earlier chat, no I don't think I'll be changing my main anytime soon. Wanderer's pretty fun to play with.
After (Name) finished talking he took a closer look at Wanderer's face, but his eyes swore Wanderer had a tad bit of pink on his cheeks
His eyes must've been starting to break with the amount of streaming his doing
T R A V E L E R
(Name) had just began to prep for his stream of the week and now he was currently adjusting the Traveler's artifacts to try out a new build
You know what's crazy though? His builds are pretty shitty.
He has the absolute worst luck in artifacts plus in leveling up pieces, most of which usually goes to defense or HP%
But he still hits about 800k regularly with the Traveler! How could he do such thing with only 44.6% Crit rate!?
(Chat) — 1 MILLION?? (Name) are you doing hacks?
(Name) — What? No! Guess my Traveler's just really op
The Traveler is a smug motherfucker
Of course the Traveler wouldn't hit such high numbers without using a...slight adjustment to the system
Sure their pieces are pretty bad but they'll accept anything (Name) had given them! How could they just shake off his hard work on griding for their ascension and talents?
Whenever the Traveler sees (Name)'s shocked expression during the massive crit's appearing on his screen they are damn right happy and overjoyed they managed to satisfy their grace!
(Chat) — Your builds are bad af tho lolol
(Chat) — Why main the Traveler? They're a pretty bad character to main, you should go for Nuevillete or Alhaitham.
The Traveler's good mood immediately faded into dust once he saw the chats text
Are those no lifers saying that they're not fit to be (Name)'s vessel? They're the most perfect one!
What could Nuevillete or whatever character have that they don't? Could they switch elements? Don't think so
If they wanted bigger numbers, the Traveler will show them big numbers all right, if you want them to hit 10 million they're gonna make it happen with just one click
(Name) — Thanks for the suggestion chat but I'm going to stick with the Traveler, I'm already wayyy too attached
The Traveler's mood once again took a 360 and smiled softly at what (Name) said to them, their stomachs fluttering with delight
(Name) is attached to them? No other compliment or praise could ever reach what the Traveler was feeling at the very moment
Their grace! Oh their grace... If only they could just grab onto you and drag you here where you rightfully belong
K I N I C H
Kinich is an upcoming playable character but many in the genshin community have fallen head over heels for him
Yet he couldn't careless about them, after all just being near (Name)'s presence even though it's just by the Traveler's vessel already makes him nice and comfortable
(Name) — Day 10 of saving up for Kinich let's goo
(Chat) — Woah already 200 wishes? You're quick man
(Name) — Can't help it lmao, Kinich seems fun to play and he's really pretty!
(Chat) — He seem's boring though
(Chat) — Dude the dialouge is slightly glitching wtf
The dialouge's glitching is caused by Kinich's embarrassment and rage, he was previously just about to talk till he heard (Name) sing praises about him! How could he not accidentally stutter and mess up the dialouge!?
But on the other hand, the hell did that person meant by he was boring? He wasn't even released yet! This caused Kinich to panic mentally if whether or not you'll change your mind about pulling for him
He stared at you from the screen, clenching his fists tighter by the second. Just a small bit more... Just one more step and he'll be released, then he could really be by your side now.
(Name) — Aw man, hold on chat I gotta pause the stream to fix this glitching
(Name) eventually had to exit the game to try and see what the problem was with his device or if it was overheating again
Meanwhile Kinich was still standing there re-adjusting his thoughts about what just happened. His feelings were all a mixed bag at this point, he sighed rubbing his temples slowly
Ajaw eventually came to his side while looking at him weirdly like he had done something wrong
(Ajaw) — Wow.. Just wow
(Kinich) — Shut up...
To rightfully apologized the system eventually sent 10 wishes in (Name)'s game mail which he was confused at first but eh, more wishes for c6 knich!
Once he becomes playable Kinich would definitely spoil (Name) with high numbers and crit's. He would just have to deal with Ajaw's yapping in the meantime..
So don't get distracted over what those 'Chat' people say about him!
A/n: likes and reblogs are appreciated! Have a nice day(ノ´ヮ´)ノ*: ・゚
#genshin#genshin impact#genshin fanfic#genshin impact x reader#reader insert#x reader#genshin x male reader#genshin au#genshin impact sagau#genshin sagau#sagau#genshin x reader#x male reader#kinich#Xiao#Traveler#wanderer#yandere genshin impact#genshin cult au#self aware#genshin self aware au#male reader insert#male reader#xiao x reader#aether x reader#lumine x reader#kinich x reader#wanderer x reader#genshin impact x you#self aware genshin
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