#its not that theyll see me differently... its that theyll see me at all
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago
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I've always really wanted to make music (almost all of the 250 notes on my phone are lyrics I've been compiling for months and there were hundreds more on my other phones that are lost forever now) but I've been so scared and idk why. I should just do it because I think I'll regret not doing it but there's so many things I'm scared of.
I feel overwhelmed when people talk about making music and it sounds so hard and like their process is so intense and requires so much knowledge and equipment and and *insert x thing they need here* and I'm over here, recording a bit of audio on my phone and trying my best with pre-made instrument loopers on a free app. Idk, it's like somehow people convinced it can't be easy or I'm doing it wrong and I honestly still don't know if they were right or not
#im also so scared about people not liking my music#but also scared of people liking it too#its like i dont want people i know to hear it i think because their opinions matter too much to me maybe#im scared people i know will like it and actually really listen and realize im talking about myself and see me differently or smthn#its not that theyll see me differently... its that theyll see me at all#thats a terrifying thought#but sometimes i also wonder if some stranger on the internet will listen to a song- maybe just once or twice#but for a small moment theyll be there with me in a way#getting lost in what the song feels like and appreciating it#maybe it will be the shitty song someone shows their friends when they pass the aux#maybe as an artist I'll be some small treasure to a few people. something that they feel they can keep forever even tho it isnt me#idk i like those thoughts i think. i dont want to be famous or anything i just kind of want it to be recorded#i want to be able to be seen even i dont ever decide i want that#i want to make something that i love now and in 5 years listen back on and go 'wow this sucked ass lmao. good for him'#i want to know something and i dont know what it is but i feel like if i keep digging and writing and exposing myself#and thinking and trying and making things... maybe I'll be able to give form to some new concept#maybe ill put it into words- what i really want to say but dont know how to. maybe ill make something out of these abstractions and chaos#and most of all... maybe I'll actually enjoy it too
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nomairuins · 3 months ago
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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yo9urt · 3 months ago
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Pokémon Fushigi no Motherfucking Dungeon !!!!
(i would put a screenshot here but my deck couldn't upload them for some reason.)
thoughts & comments on pmd in japanese below (VERY LONG)
28 new flashcards!!
uncountable new words that i did not add for various reasons!!
observations:
blessedly, the game is so far not using a lot of formal language. the personality quiz did use formal language but the actual characters themselves are speaking very casually (i’m actually really excited to see how the npcs speak in the future, i want to see how they’re characterized via their speaking styles)
one thing that really interests me in japanese is the 2nd person pronoun system and how people (or characters) choose to refer to each other and this was super fun to watch for in the game. in the first chapter, i counted 1 use of あなた (only in the “what’s your name?” menu input), several uses of きみ (most of which occurred during the personality quiz, but some of which were used by the partner pokemon prior to learning MC’s name; every time, it was written in katakana), 1 or 2 uses of おまえ (used by zubat towards the partner), and i noticed that after learning MC’s name partner exclusively refers to them by their name and does not use any kind of suffix. my guess is that this is either 1. because they are not human / this is standard practice in the pokemon world or 2. hinting at the fact that they end up having a very close relationship and that partner trusts leader immediately. i’m half expecting wigglytuff and/or chatot to be referred to as 先生 or something like that so we’ll see in chapter 2!!
speaking of expectations, i had a couple going in: 1. that there would be a lot of onomatopoeias, because they seem to have a huge amount of use in creative writing, & 2. that i would see a lot of the little stylistic bits & bobs i’m already familiar with in japanese that tell you more about a character. both of these came true! i’ve already added some new onomatos to my flashcards AND i noticed some fun things about the characters:
male partner uses ぼく (sensible - it’s either that or おれ, and he is NOT an おれ character at all) (funnily enough and perhaps somewhat embarrassingly i did name the partner in this game majima and in hindsight i’m thinking wow they are literally not like each other at all but it’s ok i’m just choosing to ignore it i cba to redo the entire save anyway. plus i customized it so he's gastly and i'm clefairy which is already the cutest duo ever and i don't want to change that especially because i also had to give them custom stats and movesets so WHATEVER majima is just going to be different in this universe and he can handle that. also the partner is written very cutely and giving him that name made him even cuter to me so its no big deal really)
speaking of cutely i literally can’t explain this because i don’t remember it being the case in the english version but genuinely there is something REALLY endearing about how the partner talks in the japanese version. i guess thats another reminder that things really do get lost in translation like im sure the TL team did the best they could but english partner and japanese partner already feel different from each other and the latter is so cute, in a way it does feel like he has a fuller range of expression here
i think male MC also uses ぼく? i swear i remember a “ぼくじしん” in there but who knows
ぼく and ほんとう (spelled ほんと by the partner but ほんとう in MC’s thoughts) were almost entirely in katakana (i think ほんとう might have been hiragana), also for some reason なぞ (“riddle” or “enigma”) was in katakana too???? just for artistic flair, maybe? おまえ was as well but that makes sense
zubat and koffing (zubat in particular) both had a rougher, more masculine speaking style, which is exactly what i expected from them. lots of sentence-ending ぜ and ぞ (male partner uses さ from time to time, but not ぜ/ぞ), and they called partner 弱虫くん which made me so mad on his behalf! so rude!!!!!!!
other thoughts:
i was worried about the lack of kanji but honestly it’s not impeding my reading at all. a lot of the words are words that don’t need kanji, and if they are kanji-based words then they’re either ones i’ve never seen before (and i can just look them up online) OR they’re ones i can recognize by their reading/the context/just generally being familiar with them after seeing them a bunch in other places. i definitely feel like my intuition for like…word boundaries and that kind of thing has already gotten stronger and will probably improve from playing this game lol
HOLY FUCK, READING PRACTICE. you would not believe the amount of reading i did. when i got to beach cave (literal very first dungeon in the game) i sat in the menu for maybe at least half an hour just straight up muddling through the 700000 words the game was putting in front of me. some of them i looked up, some i grasped from context, some i gave up on (but the last category was pretty small)
i was reading the entire menu and i got to the “hints” section and it was so long that i just gave up. a treat for future me
speaking of context, playing a game i know by heart was ABSOLUTELY the right decision. i could largely figure out what moves my boys have without knowing what the names of the moves meant by reading the descriptions and going “hmm…ghost…physical…low power…this is astonish!!!!!” or “normal…no damage…always lands…YAWN!!!” etc.
i also think i’m playing this at the right stage of my learning. just beginner enough to heavily benefit from the mass exposure/immersion aspect of it, but learnéd enough to recognize a great deal of what’s put in front of me, and already knowing the game really well makes it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (X1000000000) much easier to bridge the gap between what i do and don’t know. i got a tiny bit mentally exhausted from all the reading lol but it was soooooo worth it, most of my studying right now comes in the form of kanji/vocab + grammar/structure + listening to music so i’ve been sorely lacking in the “just straight up reading things normally” department and this game really fixes that up for me :)
keeping it real my speaking is definitely shit because i never practice (unless you count singing…) but i found myself reading out loud as i played to help figure things out and i do feel like i improved a tiny bit by the end. the partner pokemon in particular was really fun to read for because they gave him a fairly emotional/heart-on-his-sleeve speaking style (not dissimilar to the english version, but it feels much stronger here as previously noted) so i got to have fun reading his lines :P i definitely felt like i was hitting the consonants much better and keeping everything flowing well
im trying to upload screenshots but it wont work, so for personal recordkeeping: SENTENCES THAT I READ AND UNDERSTOOD ALL BY MYSELF AND AM REALLY PROUD OF
いちどきめたことはさいごまでやりとおす? roughly = “once you’ve decided to do something, do you see it through to the end/do you stick with it?” (lit. “one time decided thing TOPIC end until carry through?”)
「はどう」とは きみのからだがはっするみえないエネルギーのことだ roughly = “[aura] is the energy your body gives off” (lit. “[wave motion] QUOTE TOPIC you POSS body SUBJ emit energy NOM thing is”)
オレンのもをたベると HPがかいふくするぞ!Xボタンでメニューをひらき 「どうぐ」コマンドからたべてみよう! roughly = “if you eat an oran berry, your HP will restore! try eating it using the ‘item’ command after opening the menu with the X button!” (lit. “oren NOM/CLASS fruit OBJ eat.NP IF ‘HP’ SBJ restore do EMPHATIC! ‘X’ button MEANS menu OBJ open(NOUN) [tool] command from eat-and-see-VOL!”)
why is the tutorial using ぞ???
is it because i picked boy during the quiz? is it trying to be manly with me??? am i reading too deeply into this? (probably)
i was surprised to see 道具 here because i just recently learned it and i was like “tool? there’s no tools in this game…” but i could tell from its menu position that it was item/inventory so i was like, huh, interesting use of the word…
この かけらが はまる ばしょを いつか はっけんしたい! roughly = “someday, i want to discover the place that this fragment fits into!” (lit. “this fragment SBJ fit place OBJ someday discovery do-want!”)
i did have to look up はまる but i knew all the other words on my own!!!!
it was so fun seeing words i recognized especially higher level (higher relative to where i am, at least, i.e. more recently learned) kanji words like 場所 & 発見。noticing them in kana felt kind of like seeing your friend at a costume party and knowing it’s them without them telling you or something lol and i always get so excited seeing vocab words i know in the wild!! it feels great to recognize them naturally like that :)
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sophiethewitch1 · 7 months ago
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Self shipping spaces are really funny to me because they're quite different from X reader stuff in that these people... Get jealous over characters. Which not judging this isn't what this is about, I write yandere X reader the call is coming from within the house I just. Have never really experienced jealousy romantically myself??? I think that might be why I like yanderes because if it was just up to me for a relationship to happen we would be getting nowhere fast lmfao
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3416 · 1 year ago
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thinkin abt this. and thinking about mitch realizing that he'd never get the full suburban nuclear family hockey best friend life with auston.... thinking about the little adjustments of expectations they've made about each other and their futures together....... thinking about where they are now and might be later on.
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milf-harrington · 1 year ago
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its so fucking disheartening realising that no one actually sees me as a guy, they just pretend to - and yeah its great being called theo but its less great being lumped in as one of the girls in the same breath
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the-knife-consumer · 9 months ago
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Forgot just how upsetting gloomed korok forest is
#idk. just this one sanctuary that was different from the rest in that all of these spirits only link and a few others#can see are offering you help and safety. care uniquely for you. a bed for YOU. YOUR sword. kept safe for 100 years for YOU.#thrown together shops just for YOU because nobody else goes here or even knows it exists.#and then you return and the people who cared so much about you dont even speak to you anymore#they cant speak. they just stand there#idk korok forest made me feel the most like i fucked up somehow#rito village was bad but still livable. if things got any worse then they would have to abandon home until it settled#but no one was in immediate life threatening danger#gerudo was really REALLY bad and people were in danger. just all crammed inside a bunker. no going into town because your#home doesnt belong to you anymore#and then the zora were ... idk felt the least pressing even though it definitely should be bc like. they breathe water.#if the water is gross theyll die. but idk something about how it was executed felt less terrible#maybe they outwardly expressed more hope? idk. same with the gorons didnt feel like there was a pressing threat#but korok forest is fucking AWFUL. god#idk. nobody in hyrule talks about it because they dont know there are people there. nobody else can see them so nobody knows#somethings wrong. with no lead into it finding korok forest the way it is just feels soooo much worse.#idk. on my first playthru i kind thought i fucked up and shouldve gotten there sooner.#it just feels like no matter what youre too late and its your fault
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chippycore · 12 days ago
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suddenly feeling unwell over xb3 over how much more noah and the gang needed to see
#text#i rmr seeing someone mention how they did nothing with noahs wish to play other songs on his flute other than the off seeing melody#and man#idk and then one day i thought of ocs who are musicians#theyre from the city and they look decently old#one of them plays drums and the other plays with strings (idk the umbrella word for stringed instruments so strings it is)#i guess to make it make more sense they are aquatinted with boomer#was that his name one of the city npcs played a lute iirc#and me in my xenosaga insanity made one of them look like wilhelm and the other look like chaos#although they look a lot older...#and im my scenario they teach noah other songs and such (maybe even shit from found from morytha)#i forgot what that location was called and i forgot how to spell it)#and its like...a completely original piece thats not the off seer melody#omg has noah seen a drum before#they see a lute but like... any other kind of instrument does he and the others see that at al#all*#but back to the og post like yeah theyll see all the stuff of what life's supposed to be when original time resumes#but like... imagine that in game#i feel like it would have helped.?...#i don't mean it in a fix-it-fic sort of way but like...just something to add to what is there...#which isn't that different from “fixing” a story#okay yeah...huge xeno related ramblings and ive had a few other ramblings in my drafts#that i wont post bc they're too embarrassing#but this one idk i was just thinking about how rushed (?) xb3 genuinely was (story-wise) without the quests in between
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tamagotchikgs · 2 months ago
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i think i exist solely to be misinterpreted i dont know how to actually reach anyone my existence is just people looking at me and & rolling dice 2 see if theyll misinterpret me in a good or bad way && it is almost always bad
#people thinking im rude when i dont even know whats going on im just Standing Here or saying smthn w positive meaning but they dont see it#i have never in my life met anyone irl who doesnt instantly dislike me. and i MEAN that. i am so hateable my existence hits the switch#i dont. do anything i dont have any malice in me at all i try 2 be polite as hard as i can just because thats my default. thats me#i think thats where my ed comes in so hard. its always like well if u just get small enough people will like you. itll give u the chance.#im too big im too much of a nuisance i take up too much space im always in the way i need to be as small and likable as i can or everyone#will always hate me. theyll always despise me and im the reason im the one ruining it#ive only ever had like 2 actual friends (online) they looked at me n went yeah ur cool im gonna see the things u do as endearing & positive#even the one friend i have now constantly thinks im doing things negatively n scolds me for it. .... n man it feels Bad#even my therapist does it#i still think about my first therapist asking me if i think anyone can understand what im saying#maybe they cant#it makes me feel so lost o(-<#do i even exist if i cant reach anyone#i feel like tumblr is the only place i hav where ppl understand me#but maybe thats just because ive gathered a lil community of ppl who see me in a positive light#n thus the things i say r good instead of bad#maybe i dont make any sense and im the only one who cant see it#my bf is the only one ive ever felt actually understands me n i understand them n that does mean the world 2 me#but man. in everything else i am so lost#i am so inhuman and it is obvious#it feels like everyone else is on a different floor level & building than me an im just looking through the window#and theyre deciding whether im a creep or someone gazing out 2 enjoy the day
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kate-m-art · 1 year ago
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Keep seeing Zelda movie news reactions and like feel like my only contribution right now is I'd much prefer live action to an illumination style animated movie...
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fruitsofhell · 9 months ago
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Is it hyperbolic to say that FF7R is made of the same brain slush that Disney Live Action remakes are? I know FF7R is technically still animated, but I mean, so was The Lion King 2019.
#shut the heck up#ff7#disney#tag talking#watching the nibelhiem part of rebirth with the council and there were sooo many dumb choices#and like looking at the 7r project as a whole it just lacks so moment to moment vision#i know its building to some grand meta-narrative but like individual scenes are so bleh so generic action camera and mocapitis#im happy there are enough people out there who realize the majesty of prerendered backgrounds for storytelling but like squenix doesnt care#also so many scenes that were originally slow and dialogue based turned into mild action setpieces its shtuupid#or the part in the reactor where while Sephiroth has a revelation youre in a different room doing a random valve turning QTE LIKEDSGFJSHD#lord the balance of battles and narrative#people harp on the original for being dated with its late 90sness but theres so much abbrassive rule-of-coolism in 7R#more than a lot me and my friends kept screaming about sephiroths characterization like why in gods green fuck he smiled so much#and one of my friends was like 'maybe this is cloud making things up cause he wants to feel like sephy notices him' and i was likE-#OFC THEN LATE GAME THEYLL EXPLAIN THAT ALL HIS OOC FANSERVICE MANNERISMS AHVE BEEN A ROUSE THE WHOLE TIMEHDSGJF#THEY DO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO CHARACTERIZE HIM THEY WERE JUST TORMENTING US OFC!! HSDFGJSDJ#they dont know what theyre fukcing doing with that guy he shouldnt be fucking smiling during nibelhiem#he shouldnt have even smiled when he said the 'im going to see my mother' line - AND DEFINITELY NOT DURING THE FIRE!!#he was not happy then he was estuans interis he was on a mission not sadistically torturing the townsfolk#HE WOULD NOT FUCKING do THAT
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skitskatdacat63 · 10 months ago
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I'm going to kms, I'm at another classical concert but we arrived late so we're not allowed to go in yet, so I'm fucking missing being in the room for one of my favorite composers music live
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nomaishuttle · 1 year ago
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its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.
#and that mf lives in a house my parents own. Not for long lmaooo anyways.#<- bc my parents r prolly gonna lose the house bc my dad lost his job bc he assaulted somebody again. AWESOME FAMILY ! but anyways.#but its crazy. n my mom has been planninh a disneyland trip 4 ages... why r my family becoming like. almost middle class its scary ... guys#go back 2 being poor im scared and also thats so unfair that they waited until like a few months b4 i moved out to start marginally#getting their shit together. go girl give me NOTHING !#but like its crazy how different our lives will be. like my parents relationship i Highly fucking doubt its gonna get better LMAO theyll#probably get divorced once they lose the house. god willing at least. but yk...#and hes got like Adult siblings.... me in talking abt myself. i left the house the same year he started kindergarten. its insane. and im#not gonna be there to see him grow up. Kills my .#i do like. idk. i want 2 try n stay out here but i also. sometimes i do judt think abt going back home just so i cn be closer to him#but. yk. thats not rly feasible rn. so.#hopefullyyy next year theyll all be able 2 come up n visit me for the summer... since ill have my own place#my like Prayer is that maybe in a couple years him n annie and lamp could start spending the summer with me.... thatd be rly cool#lamp idk what their plans r i think theyre gonna stay down there#weve talked a bittt abt them moving up here and it seemed like theyd enjoy that ? but theyre rly close with annie as well so idk...
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erythristicbones · 2 years ago
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if i had a nickel for everytime one of my original stories featured a character chock full of parental trauma who views their life's sole purpose as being of use to others, got a crazy magical power forced upon them and then decided to use a supposedly irreversible amount of it to sacrifice themselves to save their friends, only to have the friends stick around to find a way to bring them back, i'd have 3 nickels, which isn't a lot but-
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mx-paint · 2 years ago
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If your argument is "there are no people of color in [x] because I personally don't see this person as a person of color" than it's like. a faulty argument.
#max rambles#this is about percy jackson#like. idk what theyre trying argue about#first this person is saying there arent any naturally blue eyes blond haired people of african decent without white interference#(there are with 0 white genes)#then theyre like theres no colored characters in any of the work#then when i gave a list of actual people of color they said i meant Main characters and im just like. all of the people i listed Are mains.#theyre literally in the same story.#and this all started bc someone else starred a different argument with me how black people cant see themselves in annabeth#and didnt have reason for how they cant other than the characters insrance isnt based off of race?#like. wtf are tiktokers On#ive learned more negative stuff in the world from tiktok than i have on anything else#like the people insisting that people cant be religious and gay bc then theyll be living a life of sin#like. its even worse than it is the real world bc they think bc theyre online rhey can get away with everything#edit: hes using the fact that he says hes black to say nothing hes said is racist#hes saying i must be white lady....bc i gave him examples of why hes wrong#like. im not a lady and. idk what to say abour the white comment since im technically not white either#but when i tried talking to him he just kept saying that#then when i pointed out hid Own racist comment he said 'im black so i cant be racist'.....#...........what#idk anymore man#i was talking about something else in the first place. he talked about something else and got mad when i didnt want to talk to him anymore#idk what he wants me to say when i comment and he ignores it or when i comment and he says that what he asked for 'doesnt count'
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toytulini · 2 months ago
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Man dont get albino fish
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Bro has been sitting here unmoving all morning. sand all over its back. its gills are moving so its not dead. but like.
bro are you chilling or dying
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