#like. its even worse than it is the real world bc they think bc theyre online rhey can get away with everything

[astranauticus]

the rwd season 4 qna inspired me to start thinking about college au headcanons except a lot of these are gonna be really specific to my school and y'all are just gonna have to deal with that <3

Kyana feeds some of the school cats. she would feed all of them if she could

Dani smuggled Plug (the scrawniest black cat you've ever seen) into her dorm room illegally and somehow management hasn't caught her yet (based on a true story) (Kyana visits to see Plug all the time)

Finbar keeps an updated tier list of every canteen in the school with breakdowns of the best stalls/dishes for each

A senior from the school of engineering once said to me 'all the engineering people dress like rats cuz our classrooms don't have aircon' (context: tropics) anyway that's Dani

Kyana would probably be involved in a lot of freshman orientation events from second year onwards. she just likes talking to the new kids and giving them advice like she would be the kind of orientation group leader who'd get messages from her freshies asking about all kinds of random nonsense because she's made sure they know they can always contact her with questions

VR-LA is The Guy you go to for textbook pirating resources

(this is more of a 'wouldn't that be funny' but VR-LA is just Veerle's discord handle)

Docent is the name of VR-LA's old laptop that broke down so he gave it to Cassimere (computer engineering major he met once at a networking event) to fix except Cassimere got everything off the hard drive and then somehow managed to fuck it up Even More so he had to get a new laptop (and named it Emi)

Roy has gotten food poisoning from his dorm meal plan at least once (based on at least one true story)

The heap trio + Mandy would be those friends constantly playing majong in the dorm lounge and if all the majong tables are taken they just play in one of their dorm rooms on a towel to dampen the tile shuffling noises (it was Mandy's idea)

Every morning Dani goes to the drinks stall at her faculty and orders one iced coffee to the point where the stall owner starts preparing an iced coffee whenever they see her approach (based on my true story)

Roy would be one of those people who goes clubbing every other week and every time he tries to drag the rest of the heap trio and Egan almost always goes and Dani would go if she didn't have a good excuse but always begrudgingly. anyway Roy would always be the only one having a good time until Egan gets drunk enough to start having fun

Finbar actually uses the dorm kitchens instead of just buying canteen food and it always makes the hallways smell really good

Vhas also uses the dorm kitchen sometimes but like. one time i walked into the pantry on my floor and someone had left cut sweet potatoes and 2 eggs in an inch of water in a pan on the stove. that's Vhas

Kyana's constantly applying for overseas exchanges and international summer/winter school programmes. the world is large and she wants to see it!

Maxim's the definition of a hall phantom. you know he lives on your dorm floor because you pass him by in the hallways sometimes and literally nowhere else. sometimes you're not convinced that he actually exists

VR-LA and Maxim's friendship stems from them being from wildly different faculties (VR-LA's in STEM, Maxim's doing anthropology so arts/social sciences) but also having lots of weird interests they cant really bug anyone in their home faculties about

Elyse is in student government and every once in a while Finbar receives a series of angry texts about the newest idiocy she's had to put up with

MR-SN and AS-TR start a stargazing club together. other notable members include AS-TR's girlfriend E-DN, MR-SN's friend C-RA (the one who always volunteers to carry the heavy ass telescopes) and MR-SN's friend K-LB who he pestered into coming to fix one of the wonky scopes even though K-LB's actually in electrical engineering but he's the only engineering person MR-SN (an arts student) knows

oh and of course VR-LA joins because he genuinely just likes space (developing a crush on his club chairperson was not on his bingo card)

Kyana and E-DN were MMA sparring buddies at one point which is how she found out about the stargazing and joined immediately

honestly i can probably think of more but this post is fuckin long LMAO

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[mx-paint]

If your argument is "there are no people of color in [x] because I personally don't see this person as a person of color" than it's like. a faulty argument.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

absolutely unrelated to the dreadful little polycule BUT. hey mark was there at deadwood right. like in canon. what do u think post-muse ashe and mark even Look like. i feel like. there's no way they could be normal after that. not that they can in canon but even Less after what ashe knows mark's seen him do. also GOD how does. tidalwave mark coming over to deadwood mark dragging tide with him happen..... one second im still thinking about the dreadful little polycule u know ill always talk ur ear off Abt them!!!

this ask has been cooking in my inbox for WEEKS because thinking about post-muse mark and ashe makes me so fucking sick dude. god. okay. fucking huge ramble about them under the cut

not going to answer the tidalwave thing yet because we NEED 2 discuss what happens to tide instead of depowering him bc that would fucking kill him and we CANNOT kill our dad. i know we mentioned him taking an armsmaster style retirement/thinly veiled house arrest but. thats a conversation for later hehe

ANYWAY. FUCK . POST-MUSE ASHE MY POOR LITTLE BOY. god. this is all going to be hypotheticals and questions honestly. but like. god. thinking abt the scene like. IMMEDIATELY after the trickster lets him go. the trickster lets go of him and ashe just fucking slumps to the ground like a (pun very much intended) puppet with his strings cut. hes not unconscious, hes awake, but the last time he was free and aware he had to watch himself rip william in half! lol! i think that all hits him at once and he just like. falls to his fucking knees!!! and like. mark pov. thats his son his son is free hes had to watch all of this in shock and horror but now ashe is free after so fucking long and all he wants to do is rush forward and hug him (pick him up, bundle him in his arms like he did when ashe first triggered, carry him in the car as they speed out of the quarantine zone hoping nobody is following them-) and i think he gets as far as. falling to his knees next to ashe, but as soon as his hand makes contact i think ashe flinches so hard its almost like the touch hurt him. hes just. staring at his dad with these huge eyes and shallow breaths and hes shaking and crying and its a fucking MESS and mark doesnt know what to DO and the wards are standing in a loose semicircle behind him and ashe does NOT like all of these eyes on him. he knows these are people who love him but he doesnt know ... what the fuck theyre going to think of him. after. all of that.

i think it would be fun (/evil) if for..... a little while after he's free ashe is just CONSTANTLY waiting for the other shoe to drop. he knows trickster has mal now, he believes that was real, and mal can make illusions. so . whats to say this isnt just all. fake. one of these days hes going to wake up covered in blood and gore and new piercings stinging and aching and . ashe winters will just be the empty aftermath of muse again. i cannot IMAGINE a world in which mark would let him out of his sight again... maybe not in the same completely suffocating way he did when ashe was a kid but like. he definitely insists on ashe living with him again. just. theres a sort of nervous hesitance that wasnt there before. mark is so much more Present now that he doesnt have to work for overlord anymore. he's at home. he makes breakfast and dinner and his footsteps are still loud and heavy but theyre cautious and the way he knocks on ashes door is a lot more gentle than it used to be . i just think theyre both like... scared of each other. ashe scared to relax because he thinks that everything could be fake and he doesnt know what anyone really thinks of him anymore (he is so full of shame and guilt over what he did as muse- i dont think anyone would directly Tell Him but i think . he would probably look up the news, just to *know*). and mark is scared because he doesnt know what to do. he doesnt want to make anything worse. he lets the wards and tide visit whenever they want (because he trusts them) because familiar faces and voices might help ashe feel normal again, but hes still. just. so full of paranoia that something else could go wrong.. and all he wants to do is just. put ashe in a vault or something that could keep him safe from anything that could ever hurt him again. but also he knows thats exactly what the trickster was doing to him (and what mark did to him his entire childhood) so he doesnt.

this is . entirely self indulgent and maybe ooc a little bit but i really really REALLY want the first step of them like... healing. is for mark to be doing something maybe in the kitchen or the living room and ashe slowly trudges into the room feet dragging, hair tangled and hanging in his face OBVIOUSLY not touched at all, nervous energy twitchy at everything like he has been for weeks, but instead of sitting himself in the corner or with his back against a wall he just... comes up next to mark and bumps his forehead into his back/arm/whatever. and he doesnt say anything and mark freezes up bc he doesnt want to make any sudden moves and scare him but then after like. a couple long seconds of stillness and silence ashe hugs him. mark asks (voice really quiet) if hes okay, and ashes shakes his head (which is more just like. sideways rocking his forehead without breaking contact) and mark asks if he can hug him back (nod this time) and they just kind of. sink to the floor and theyre crying and hugging and they dont talk about it later but i think thats when it clicks in ashes brain like. huh okay maybe this is real.

[plaguethewaters]

filled with isat au thoughts. so many

the crux of tommys friend quest still being about feelings of inadequancy in his religion but - even though hes aroace too bc like cmon - he feels like he cant be strong enough. hes not the perfect selfless hero everyone wants, he struggles finding quests he can actually finish he doesnt Know if hes ever going to be the hero Wilbur, and everyone with him, suggests for him to be. But hes been nothing but an annoying child forever and he needs to change right? To Change? Thats the whole point of the thing! But leaving out his stupid bits and jokes and trying to put on a serious saviour persona makes him feel like hes loosing more and more of himself the more time passes by.

techno still struggles with identity. Hes never been able to feel accepted in his home country - the Antartic Empire isnt strict with most thing, the idea of absolute freedom is clear in everyones mind, but "one's freedom ends where another's start", and many saw technos illness (/expression possession/ancient divinity speaking through him, he still isnt sure) as dangerous. as an infriction of their own freedom to feel safe. But Lmanburg... people speak of lmanburg, and phil speaks of it highest of them all. His sons country, his sons faith. Techno isnt one to fall for pretty words, but he cant deny they sound... appealing. The acceptance, the unconditional love, the community.He hopes his research might bring him closer to understanding it all. To not feel foreign in every land.

Niki, for all that anyone might think, is Not a child. Shes small, and shes not strong, and she can barely Craft anything - all this time and no one has figured out her type yet, no matter how hard they try - but goddammit, she isnt a useless little baby. She has a voice, she has her strenght, she Has the abikity to protect those she loved, even if she failed before. Jacks frozen face stares at her, even from hundred of miles away, back in their little house. She looks at tommy and she cant really understand why Hes been chosen and not her, what really makes them so different, what makes her so much crabbing worse that shes not even allowed to hold her own against the simplest sadness. Nad then she tries, and Ranboo loses an eye. A whole eye, just because in her stupid crabbing arrogance she thought she could be more than her place, more than the job she was assigned. She needs to protect them better. She just needs to get stronger.

Tubbo, all things considered, doesnt think hes doing badly. Theres a bit of resentment in his heart - like jesus, when hed joined the Hunters he really thought they were there to Do something about the evil in the world. But they didnt, and tommy really evidently needed help, and he doesnt hang around cowards anymore, so he left. Whatever. Hes fought so hard in his life to be taken seriously (little, cute baby tubbo, a shirt too big for his frame and a smile always too wide for his face. Do you like bees, tubbo? Do you want to go find bees? they talk to him with sickeningly sweet voices and dumbed out words) (he ignores every bee he sees, lately), hes Changed, hes bulked up, hes leaned heavy onto the crazy strongman archetype until nobody could ever look at him and see a "cute little guy". He wants them to be scared, he wants to cackle so loud mothers hurry their children away, he wants to know tidbits of the darkest parts of the world, to talk about bombs and dissections and whatever Will keep people the most away from his true feelings. Tommy doesnt seem disgusted when he tugs him along on his quest (in fact, he seems to enjoy your humor as well, and hes very quick to become your friend).

With ranboo its. Different. Not that hes put off by you or anything - none of them are, surprisingly, you get along real nicely as a group - in fact, they lean into it. Theyre super quick to pull up one of their favorite horror stories while you eat yoir dinners, for you to enjoy and for niki and tommy to be grossed out by and for techno to barely react at, and they love your particular dark, ceass humor even id they dont participate themselves. They just have this. Super annoying thing about them, that makes tubbo want to Change again. Want to bring back that vulnerability, that cuteness, the bees and the flowers and the weaknesses that have hurt him before. Tubbo wouldve loved to be a farmer, once. A little cabin in the countryside, selling honey to the nearest House. But it doesnt matter. Hes never going to say anything about it anyway - talking about these things feels. so weird.

[raven]

what video games would u recommend. based on me seeing ur posts and thinking ur right even though i never know what youre talking about. also i have dogshit taste but i have good taste actually but its bad

OMG

hop on backloggd heres mine and heres my buddy rory's bc they make points too and are generally more serious than me so if you want to be serious u can go there. More under the cut bc i cant shut up 👍

otherwise my pretentious but #real and #true recs that i genuinely think everyone should play are disco elysium, pentiment, and kentucky route zero.

"theyre just good!" - who's lila?, the world ends with you, return of the obra dinn, hylics 2, portal 1&2, ghost trick, outer wilds (however outer wilds may be difficult for whatever reason- i recommend hollow_tones on twitch's streams although she has not streamed the dlc!)

series that have taken over my life for periods of time, for good or ill - dragon age (2 is my fav, all are worth playing, inquisition is dogshit storywise but has good gameplay, centrist liberal writers that make u want to bomb a church (for the record @ fbi this is a reference to the events of one of my favorite characters in the series, not real life. he was justified), ace attorney (1-3 are great with some questionable moments but apollo justice is the best overall game, 5&6 are some of the worst games ive played in my life, and the great ace attorney... exists), and persona (UGH). i can go more in depth about any of these, but i will go more in depth about persona because thats my current disorder and because theyre the most problematic, LOL. but dgmw da and aa are also problematic in many ways

persona - ive posted about it. im realizing i didnt talk about the misogyny in that post because i thought it was well known honestly but like. my god. the misogyny. especially persona 5 royal. dont play 4. or do, bc i need anyone to suffer as i have, but im serious. i feel like whatever people say, its worse. ive also posted about 4.

if you want to lose a week of your life in a "game for 16ish hours, sleep for 8ish hours, repeat" cycle play baldurs gate 3. its a fun game it takes up your time it has great mechanics! do not pay attention to character discourse baby.

if you like good gameplay, play dishonored 1&2

if you don't like good gameplay, play morrowind (this is kind of a joke in that i dont actually think morrowind has bad gameplay, but it still can be tedious.)

if you don't like good gameplay, play the persona 2 duology (this is not a joke, the gameplay in those games are actually bad.)

if you like gameplay, play any katamari game

also gonna plug one of my favorite genres, nonlinear visual novel adjacent games (lots of wordy, story-based segments but there are actual gameplay portions) these games also are not necessarily "good" but they are "fun": 999 (play on DS!!), ai the somnium files (note that this and 999 kind of require a... specific taste with the sexual humor) these games did have sequels but theyre all pretty bad for various reasons but check em out if you enjoyed the originals, paranormasight (one of the best ones in this genre imo), gnosia, 13 sentinels

also i have not hopped on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL) but i am about to hop on final fantasy 7 (ORIGINAL). and i am currently struggling against the current playing smt iii nocturne.

also, games that i have not played but interest me storywise and deserve honorable mentions are baroque (not really planning on playing but planning on watching stuff), pathologic classic (played a little and watched a full playthrough years ago, probably will get back to one day), pathologic 2 (never completed), fear and hunger (played for a few hours and decided to watch a playthrough instead), and fear and hunger 2 (not played but planning on playing bc ive heard its a little more user friendly than the original!)

so thats video games.

[callieponders]

NGL sometimes I look at the crew's tweets about him needing to stop being in anger mode 24/7 and reintegrate into society, and I wonder: are we supposed to expect him to work through that by himself? Do we expect great emotional regulation and self-awareness from an elementary schooler in an abusive household? He absolutely shouldn't be redirecting his anger at the people around him (note: Hazel. she didn't deserve that ire at all and doesn't owe him any patience about it), but I can't help looking at him and thinking that he needs, like. I dunno. A therapist. An adult. Someone or something that's actually guaranteed to help him out a little. The adults present in the show... didn't seem very interested in doing that, despite seeming to know what his actual core issue was? Maddening. Anyway

(disclaimer before anything i say. i just need yall to know this show could be the worst thing ive ever seen and id still hope the best for the crew bc its their job and people need to eat alright. that being said i do enjoy the show, please dont take this as me saying they need to NEVER WORK AGAIN ala nostalgia critic style or something)

that wording is so funny though, reintegrate into society... the boy is a small child not someone coming out of prison

but seriously this is exactly the type of stuff im thinking, i dont really go on twitter much anymore because i dislike it so i wasnt aware of the things the crew said (and dont envy them because oh man this was a divisive finale it seems). i dont expect an episode like "dev goes to therapy" and the wacky adventures of him going to therapy or something, but im really hoping in s2 they have peri held more accountable for majorly screwing up here and trying to do right by dev with another chance given to him.

the frustrating thing is i cant blame people defending the choices because some people are genuinely really bad at voicing their opinion/critique, especially because it feels like a lot of people arent having the balls to actually point out peri, even cosmo and (frankly the worse one of the two bc she was so much harder on dev) wanda are a bigger blame for the situation with dev. of course people are gonna assume people are putting the responsibility on hazel, id also be defensive about that because thats a ridiculous thing to expect, but like nah its clear its not her responsibility. she is also 10 and has a world outside of dev, and dev SHOULD be held accountable for his actions in regards to lashing out at others around him when hes upset. the fact hes given more critique than the adults around him that are meant to guide him and help him is the bigger issue than that alone.

on that same note, hazel should also be held accountable for the same things, like saying devs problems werent that deep and having wanda, a FAIRY GODPARENT, basically agree??? also when she was like "oh friends work things out" i didnt hear no apology for not hearing dev out or at least for leaving him in the dark on if theyre friends or not. and the thing is i dont expect her to do that on her own, because shes 10, but theyre fictional 10 year olds who will have more maturity than most real kids either way, so like... yknow?

additionally its kind of a double standard either way, if you dont expect hazel to act mature, why on gods green earth would you expect DEV to??? and hazel, compared to dev, has people to guide her the right way and people that are patient with her, meanwhile dev doesnt get that, the most hes ever gotten is hazel and THATS NOT HAZELS JOB!!! im not saying the writers are claiming it is, its just that its frustrating that the writing has ended up with her feeling like the only person who really gives a damn yknow

[j2zara]

what if. j2 j3 and j4 all had uniquely terrible days due to a chain of events. j4 had to interact w porter for an extended period of time because j3 was busy helping jace (and jace spent the whole time yelling at j3 because. well. j3 is jace's least favorite.) because j2 could not get out of bed bc he was so miserable after his night being the jaceporter third. and theyre all so rattled and miserable that theyre like. should we fuck. it probably wont make it better but surely it cant make it worse

god j4 having to interact w/ Porter for an extended period of time b/c the other two are out of commission... her NIGHTMARE SCENARIO...

also i love that combined w/ my kinda Off Day im laughing bc im like i love that this is where ur heads at and i won't complain... so real tho like fucking won't fix the problem but it definitely wont make it WORSE.. something something its a bold strategy cotton lets see if they pull it off...

Just looking at this and this rly is the toxic cocktail day huh. And J2 doesn't even really get why he feels so miserable b/c he should be happy about this, right? He got what he wanted which was more than the other clones get. I do think even tho J3 had a bad fuckin day and he's typically kinda bad at taking initiative and his solution to literally everything in the world is like strip b/c its time to fuck or die, I do think he comes home and sees how miserable J2 is after he's done kinda snapping at him for sitting around and how he had to pick up the slack he's like oh. He's like. Really not on it today. In instead of his go to response being a little freak he just kinda holds J2 for a little while and it's really nice and it does make j2 feel better. It kinda surprises everyone that J3 knows how to pull out a massage for him while J2 just kinda lays there n groans (n tries to be normal abt it but honestly. Is maybe kinda turned on) n its like hey what i can put the work in sometimes.

and it's rly with no ulterior motive at all (b/c when j3 proposes other ppl take shit out on him he almost always does want to get something out of it too) when J3's like hey if you feel bad you can take it out on me. Its like. the only thing he knows so that's what he suggests. (and he literally he just got a fraction of what J2 gets on the regular so like he does feel bad. Jace is nastier to j3 than j2, like jace can be nice to j2 on occasion but he also doesn't deal w/ j3 as much so he is kinda spared from a lot of that). But he does try to make a joke abt it b/c that's what he always does like he's the one who can't keep it in his pants like. Do whatever you want to me I'll take it. Honestly it'll just turn me on. (N j2 doesn't really wanna take anything out on j3 but i do think a handy would get him out of his head a bit. And J3 is just excited to servicing someone else bc that means he doesn't have to think abt his own problems. who said that)

I know this is more of a like. Everyone Together situation (hello still thinking abt the j3 sandwich). and i DO think that happens n J3 is like REALLY excited bc it bc like he's in a bad fucking mood too and nobody rly acknowledges that he ends up being the bedrock in these situations like yes J2 takes on so much n j3 feels guilty he's not picking up the slack but j3 does end up kinda being the shoulder for everyone n its like. Damn i want something out to this too, i want out of my head too. So yeah the j3 sanwich is very exciting for him

But. This is such an indulgence on my part. i do legit think J4 dealing w/ Porter is her fucking limit in that. She kinda comes in slamming the door and J3 is expecting the worst from her (in a way that kinda excites him) n to his surprise she just kinda grabs him n starts taking off his shirt and pushes him against the wall n starts making out w him and is like no we're literally doing this right the FUCK now b/c i've had a long day. As is the fantasy high staple... she's getting her kisses in. And his brain is short circuiting b/c this is the first time she's ever initiated something with him without him being the whiny bored one like his weird like i definitely want you to fuck me but also im gonna be extremely coy abt what i want routine that drives her crazy but she usually caves to. Like holy fuck j4 is the one to initiate this time its not like i've been shaking over this n hoping this would happen and he doesn't know if its the day she had or if its him but he'll take it he doesn't care. After the day he had he deserves this too doesn't he?

[psychelis-new]

do you think things would be more enjoyable if we didnt have the internet in todays world? every time I try to interact either someone shits on me for something that wasnt even wrong in the first place or in general theres just some very overreactive people on these platforms. personally i think older generations had it mildly better bc people werent trying to make themselves known online and instead they put real effort into things instead its like everh other person is a wannabe internet star and instead of people having real characters or personalities online theyre either a brand name or some type of idfk channel name

its like folk expect every response to be received well all the time or to be agreed on for everything they ever say online and if we dont then again we get shitted on for it which also makes it much less fun to partake in these varying subjects on multiple platforms that are supposed to be harmless fun for everyone to join in on discussing

the problem is social media is shoved everywhere and we cant not use these devices or platforms and if you dare ask questions on both tumblr and reddit its like its a shame if its the wrong sort of question to ask so i have to find another blog thats more suited for such questions or people rudely tell you to google it and so on without making extra effort to explain sometning if you dont exactly know what it is. even on reddit ppl have harassed me into deletion even if all i was doing was venting about shit and so i gave up on that site tried tumblr again but its not much different it seems and i tnink even tarot readers sometimes take it too literally or seriously as well thus making it less fun for others to take part

kids nowadays alsl wont ever know how much freedom we had compared to them as kids when we were completelt away from the internet and phones were barely big enough to text on so you couldnt even write a paragraph to people but kids nowadays they practically grow up online thus theyre more likely to find offence when there isnt one to find compared to older generations

yet we need these devices for communication but i feel like society cant really communicate well anymore or its so one sided bc its not face to face communication or usually its someone else trying to need something from others for their own selfish reasons. idfk social media feels more lkke being back in school but worse bc its anonymous practically and theres no conseuquences anymore u basically often have to admit defeat as well bc so many ppl act like they in the right when they can also be wrong or if something really isnt that deep, i also find the things i used to enjoy even music or basic hobbies is becoming either not my style anymore bc of social media or in general people making dramas about shit i dont care about makes music less fun and more toxic

ik u arent a kpop blog but i think something like kpop mightve suited older times better where the idols didnt have to receive so much backlash for every small and minor things but even music groups feel so formatted and less room for error lets put it that way or soon as one group does something mildly wrong people witch hunt that group or idol to no end. its like every other hobby or interest i have seems to always have a toxic one opinion fits all or one reaction for everyone type mentality and its really restricting and unhealthy imho. it always seems tl be about generating bs so people react to bs and from then on its like an endless chain of toxic dump until the next load of bs comes along

i unfollow more blogs than i can count bc of the misinterpretation of words and so on or in general if i find tnem to be too dramatic about things that really arent an issue but they made it an issue like the obsession people or kpop fans have with idols fs and so on. the internet is a toxic waste site at this point but theres no escaping it bc of how much we all need and use the internet as though its replaced our own ability to think freely. then the fast overconsumption of digital media in general is so unhealthy but we cant switch off from it bc of how normalised it is to need these sites and to need so much brief entertainment that does more harm than good to our dwindling attention spans and sites feeling more like echo chambers than safe places to find like minded people

sorry for my long rant but imho its getting ridiculous

Okay so woah. Where to start from?

Honestly I don't understand exactly what you want from me tbh, but I guess I will just try to give you another pov on your long rant and what you are observing/feeling? Not sure why you're here but yeah, let's see. :)

It's a very wide and complex situation the one we're living these days. The prev generation (not sure which one is yours but there are many different ones here -gonna consider 80s+ kids or so) grew up halfway between internet and running in fields, and having to confront others irl mostly. Not sure if this made them better though, just different (as times were different too). I don't think we can compare, and that's cause this younger generation had to grow up in a society where appearance and wealth is very important. Where you are judged and compared easily since you're born (or that's the main vibe at least) and everything moves fast: 1) social medias as you said, made us be reachable 24/7 and able to be in contact with everyone in the world, an occasion (or a "condemn", as you prefer) past gen didn't have [+ socials are the best and fastest platform (once there was only TV) where everyone -despite the market being now full and this making it hard to stand out from the crowd- can be seen and "get famous" (let's not dig the fastest ways you can, let's leave it as it is. As I'm not going to navigate too far how the increasing adhd has obliged people to rely on fast and short videos -eg. reels- to keep the attention span of those getting bored after a few seconds, probably out of an habit of being online)]; 2) online commerce: it really make us receive anything we want in a matter of minutes (think about lunch but everything really). And why all this is working so well? Because it's meeting a need of us: it meets the urgency we have to see results, be seen, receive, know, getting feedback (hence the misinterpretation when reading comments, which leads to misunderstandings and useless fights -sometimes we are also in a negative mood for others reasons and it may make it easier to others' misunderstand words/intentions -online we only rely on our ability of reading and it depends on our mood too and since I am here, can I suggest you to add some commas/fullstops here and there to make it easier to understand your words? thankies), urgency to answer/get answers too (fast reply/receiving means positive while if it takes time, it may be something negative for us -despite it's not so!). And when we don't get this, when we don't feel seen or appreciated (see haters or every slightly comment that is not "ily<3" -I'm exaggerating ofc, but please understand) especially in a short amount of time, we make it mean we're unworthy. We're bad. We won't be able to fit in in this fast world and we're gonna be left out and won't be able to come back in as it runs too fast. And if you're out of this world, you're out forever and will be forgetten (but it's just an idea we have). I think this is a feeling you are experiencing too to a certain level, despite being from a different gen?

This generation had to grow up with the prev generation's trauma on their back: the fear of the future, of not having a stable job that grants you money, of not being seen, of not being heard, of not feeling enough or worthy. This feeling of unworthiness is doubled because thanks to the internet there are more chances to be seen in the world, and if we don't feel accepted in all we are, if we don't make it now, it hurts x2. Not to mention that every comment one makes has a resonance that can potentially destroy anyone, even the person making it ofc, if they are caught (let's not dig the reasons behind hate, anger/resentment against others -generally still the same old lack of self worth and not being validated and appreciated by friends/family-, idols and such that take up the role of someone we rely on for comfort or to dream; someone that needs to live up to certain expectations; that needs to be perfect and if they fail, it makes some people feel better about themselves -online we compare to others either to feel better about us, or we just get crashed by fake lives and pics made just for the social medias: we forget people can decide what to post and how-; someone that, being a public figure, everyone has the right to know everything out of their life, to the point of forgetting they are people too -but it works for those nosy people to forget about their sad life, and that's the point of it all ig. Focusing on others to forget about us).

Back to youngers, let's suppose some reasons behind their behaviour (just to try to understand the bg, nothing else): parents usually worked 24/7 and didn't had too much time/will to dedicate them; maybe they were emotionally unstable people too, bc of prev 2gen having come out from WWII and similar situations too. Probably, this gen had distant parents emotionally, busy with job, not always paying attention to them if not for a little, but they were provided in other ways, and it may have created in them the idea that everything they want to do or have is right and they deserve to have it at any cost. That their parents can solve any problem for them, probably out of codependency and guilt feelings -for not being there-. And this acted also on the fact that basic human respect of others is not always present -whether it's idols or any random person they come in touch with online or irl-. I also think the internet offered this kids a way out of a situation in their family that may have been tough since early years. And it basically did the same for their parents, finding a new free life there out of their responsibilities and fixed roles, out of their duties even of taking care of their kids. So yeah, maybe kids simply learned to rely and internet and social medias and find comfort, validation and appreciation in it since childhood. Something prev gen couldn't do ofc: we didn't have this coping mechanism's chance.

Youngers these days (but not just them tbh, I think it's from past generations too), in whatever way they can, seeks others' validation, appreciation and acceptance, comfort and support. Something they probably hardly had from parents (probably got judged mostly). They probably just feel lost, but are trying to make sense of it all the best they can (with what they learned). Yk, if we get "pushed away" by others when trying to reach for them, we make it mean we're not good enough, we cannot be accepted, we have to be abandoned and we won't ever fit in. The internet, despite making us "closer" to everyone in the world, is also helping us creating more relationships based on the surface: getting deeper, knowing the other takes time, and we're back to the urgency thing (not to mention that getting deeper is scary, so everyone tries to avoid it)... And ofc it also helps us in not feeling too respectful of others as I was saying. But you said getting rid of the internet would be a solution and that you cannot see a way out of that system. I guess probably you're focusing too much on others and the outside, and not on what makes you believe so? For example: the fact that you feel not appreciated or not welcomed when venting online or asking a question, makes me wonder if you don't just feel lonely? I'm saying this cause of the asks bit you wrote: sometimes we ask others also things we could find online just because unconsciously we want to connect with them. We want a "human" answer. And that's perfectly fine ofc, but maybe not everyone will be able to see this. And we cannot pretend this much... we cannot pretend that others can read our mind or will react to us in the way we want (not saying you were wrong and others right: I have no clue of what happened, I cannot say. But I can say at times we want to feel accepted and seen as good enough and to do so, we may try to correct others/save others, and yk... not everyone will like it. It's not a matter of generations tbh). Also, yes maybe we have lost the ability to communicate, as communication is not made to reply, but we need to first listen and understand the other (while recently we communicate to reply and be right -it's probably a need we have again, the need to feel right and not wrong, maybe we were made feel wrong for too long and we need to be right and in control of things to feel okay and safe?), but... whatever.

I think right now you're probably too hurt by not finding the right way to communicate with others and creating connections, of being seen the way you want, to maybe realize that you can get out of internet and social medias and find connections irl still. You can do anything you want of your life and since you keep suggesting everyone should think with their mind, do it! If you need to get out of here, don't let the internet drag you back in and make you think you cannot do without it... or find out why you need it still. Cause it feels like you want to get out of it but only if everyone gets out if too... am I wrong? TBH a break, at this point, is what I am suggesting you to take, to help you feel better and see things from a different perspective (it works for me to ground again). Or maybe find an offline hobby that will keep you interested. I promise you won't be left out of anything important. You'll find new memes and people to connect with when you'll be back (and maybe they won't be so feral or you will just stop giving their words importance: they're still strangers, people you don't really know or have to interact with, you can let them be angry and still find your own safe place online. It's big here, just find what works for you and be happy. Just remember everyone has their opinion and it feels like they always have to share it, no matter what... get over it or keep sharing yours as well). One last thing: I am honestly really intrigued by the part you wrote about tarot readers not knowing the people behind the screens. What do you mean? Ofc we cannot know the whole world in person, but when you find your reader, they will know your energy. But ofc, you need to believe in this, or it won't work. ;)

I hope you will find a way out of your loneliness and not be so resentful against people that probably are just not for you. I think the moment you'll find out again what you want and what you are searching for, and reconnect with who you are and not what others are saying of you (indirectly, with their reactions to you), all the positivity you have within, you'll attract the right people in, whether it's online or not.

Oh btw, I honestly think the internet is still an occasion we have to make things better in many different fields (let me mention medicine, for example). I think humans are able to make everything they create to be great or terrible. It's all up on the use we make of what we have. If we use the internet to hate others or try to scam others, it's awful ofc. But if we use it wisely, to share good stuff, it's a great chance.

All the best Take care!

[orgelposting]

bc of my idol spinterest i am quite fond of when jpop starts referencing kpop or the other way around i just think theres a point where it starts feeling more like youre trying to make money off a trend (this is with jpop referencing kpop in specific) rather than just like an Homage and it starts being deeply annoying to look at

i think a good example of doing it in a way thats Right is probably shhis bc their music is #1 good(for the most part fuck oh my god) #2 its not limited to just that one specific genre of terrible fucking edm #3 listening to their music you can pinpoint their influences and these choices that are made feel like theyre done by people that actually know what theyre doing. fly and flys intro being most likely a reference to after schools bang is so COOL to me because not only does imas actually have connections to after school (one of the members being on imas kr) but also referencing something as old as that feels like an actual appreciation rather than just a money grab compares to like oh my god just being a worse version of aespas black mamba

i need to edit this to include Motto which is essentially just a twice homage with the choreography referencing twice choreos and the mv having a location quite similar to one in the likey mv(iirc) and the song being so distinctly early twice that when i heard it for the first time my brain automatically put the TWICE! in the intro. and also idolish7s poisonous gangster which i dont actually care a lot for that song but its made by someone who worked with shinee in the past and the song is very obviously inspired by THE SHINEE WORLD DOO BOP out of all songs and its really fuckig funny to me

on the other hand theres like countless examples both in real and multimedia idols that are either Objectively good but have that distinct Youre trying to make money off of me feel (eg enstars' ruby love which if you listen to it its very obviously meant to be kpop inspired and is made by someone who has worked with nct but also it leaves me with a weird taste in my mouth bc it feels like You Are Trying Really Hard To Market To Me) (or like ldhs iscream whose music i really enjoy but it still leaves me with a weird feel) or the worst outcome which is Terrible song AND youre trying so fucking hard to market to me (48gs trying to do kpop inspired singles, criminally dinner, that one love live song i forgot its name for some reason my bad, etcetc theres way more im too lazy to think of them right now)

also like deresute doing the sheincore kpop gg outfits for fav+rica even though 1 of these characters dresses in decora kei and another is a FARM GIRL still pisses me off so bad like are you insane

[essiekuko]

'yk carl ur just like the son i never had. bc ur so UNLIKE the son i DID HAVE. come on out here monty, ur so amazing!' HELPPP

carl was so real. im evil for extra credit too dw 🤣🤣

imagine being a retired blogger. so excited

i thinkkk nessa and monty broke up cause he was gettin rlly busy working for the agency

WAITTT they were in the new p&f poster tg. omfg hope

yall b grateful now i practically manifested a new season cause i got hyperfixated on the 'getting the band back tg' episode last year (i attached myself to bobby fabulous lmfaooo)

WAITTT OMFG THEY HAD LIKE ONE GYARU CHARACTER IN P&F AND I WANT HER BACK!!!!

i love how aesthetics have not jst become a style, they're more like a lifestyle now. cause theres no explanation for why a picture of lipgloss is cottagecore. its girly and pink and light and feminine, and thats cottagecore. im too deep into the 'it takes obsession to be great' bc my obessions bought on by my 3d are what i believe is the only way i can be great. hunger hurts, but st4rv1ng works.

also not me being excited abt new p&f and then boom, health check up lmfao. rllyyy concerned for ppl who search for the innocent keywords in this post and then come across well. pro 4n4. tumblr u may be mad but this is ur doing with that post limit. now i cant segregate my topics. i gotta throw in my 3d discussions with a post abt a kid's cartoon. i rlly told myself i'd stop being so childish this yr in prep for when i turn 18. but its like, im js gonna bury it all and not actually mature. and thats not good i think? idk, better than having childish interests at 18.......srry ppl i offend, im talking abt myself not y'all. its just an insecurity, not being adult enough. but like, times are changing i guess. and im not insane abt these interests, cause theyre just lil things i find interesting, but im not so passionate abt them

im kinda glad j timbers went to the slammer. cause it means trolls 3 is the last trolls movie and they literally could not make a better movie than that. its usually, in trilogies, the 2nd is the best and 3rd is the worst. but in the, hopefully, trolls trilogy, 3rd is best and 2nd is worst.

i rb like 1 insane interests post on main and then go back to mass reblogging coquette lmfao. talk abt a coverup

OMFG WAIT DID I TELL YALL ABT MY BIG FEAR OF PRISMO

im very fortunate to have grown up in a kind primary skl. or yk, been in a popular friend group lmfao. cause my weird kid interests weren't considered weird, but they were pretty popular/widely liked at my skl unlike majority of other skls unfortunately. ppl liked my art, and fav animes, and my freaking gacha channel. i was known for having good writing, and i had diff friend groups who all jst equally liked me and certain things abt me and i didnt mind. and then i hear abt my friend's experiences, having weird kid interests and being treated as such. thats why i could nver relate to posts abt being the weird kid, cause fsr i've never been treated as such for liking those certain interests and having those weird kid behaviours, cause again, that was accepted in my skl.......now that i think abt it, i may have had pretty privilege......

and then it makes ms world look even worse. cause in such an accepting environment to grow up in, how did i still manage to find something to be insecure abt, and then start a brat era that changed my life forever. teen years...

i love brazilian miku sm omfg and i love how popular she is!! its like tropical miku and gives sm key west kitten/manba gyaru <3

an mbti quiz would only be considered at 1am

i love that 1 outfit of priscilla's, that black bucket hat & dress combo with the lil tropical patterns, i want it soooo bad

[33446699]

how do u know if u sus abt someone but dont wanna believe it bc they do act in a goody two shoes kinda way but deep down u know they arent as worship worthy or lustworthy as their fans make them out to be? like u think they cool on stage but to me thats sometimes all they are theyre just cool performers but imho many of them are vastly different and sometimes i check out an idol to see what the fuss is about but then i think yh theyre average or there isnt much else to them than besides the internet memes that theyre endlessly creating

if we dont get regular fan events its really hard to form a view of idols bc social media only offers a one sided view of tnem but it wouldnt surprise me if there are idols worse than mt and seungri

How do you know ?First ,we should trust our intuition about anyone ,if you feel that an idol isn't good and it's because your intuition is telling you ,it can be a possibility that they are really not good ,and what they are showing on stage is just a persona

Idols/ celebrities shouldn't be worshipped or lusted upon ,fans allover the world worship idols because of this perfect image , because almost in all cases people worship someone when they think ,they are better than them in some way ,like a celebrity is beautiful/handsome,and with their hardwork and connections got rich by availing different opportunities,they have everything in most cases an average human being desires ,that desire creates this worship mentality that they are something really needs to praised ,when in reality a celebrity is literally doing their job and improving their own life ,the problem is when people fails to differentiate between their job and their real life ,now coming to lusting ,its because they have resources to be beautiful and hot ,for their skin ,hair etc everything so thats why people do this ,girls mostly appreciate from what I heard someone who has abs then someone who has a dadbod or someone who is overweight,this is what I think ,If you think idols are lusted upon because of some other reason ,you can share

That's the point that celebrity or idol is a cool performer,if you find there isn't something special in that person,it's fine and you don't need to like or praise that idol because other fans are doing this ,but there is something special in them for other people,sometimes in K-pop people are company stans ,or sometimes they just stan for any reason you feel or think its not worthy of stannning ,thats how I think it is

Yeah ,it is a possibility that idols worse than seungri etc exist in that industry or even at their level ,what we have to understand here is that ,in kpop or other entertainment Industires people have money ,power and connections needed to suppress their scandals or crimes so what we see is when things are really out of control or big , other things rarely get exposed

To me even in fan events aren't idols in K-pop doing fanservice ,I mean it's their job so it will still be a one side view and we won't be able to know their real personality ,but yeah ,fans can atleast meet idols in those settings

[imraespace]

HIHIGIIGJijihihigiihihih dailt chekcin becofe i start my work

today was actually kinda okay ish i finally participated in my chem class and actually said something that wasnt as stupid than what i usuallt say AND THE TEACHER DIDNF SAY I WAS WRONG SO YAYAY

in my cooking class i was looking at… BOOKING FLIGHTS, HOTELS, RENTAL CARS AND RESERVATIONS FOR RESTAURANTS?? HELLO WHY IS THIS PROJECY REAL IM ABOJT TO WORK ON IT BUT I WANAN DELAY IT EVEN FURTHER CUZ IM A LITTLE UPSET RN

ididnt get jnto the graphic designer position and im like forcing myself to be upset over it or else im gonna be sad over it later and i feel like thats worse bc then at that point its gonna be irrelevant so BUT IM ALSO LIKE WHO?? CARES?????? ITS NOT THAT DEEP AND EVEN IF I DID GET IN ID BE PISSED OFF THAT IM MAKING A POSTER AND NOT STUDYING FOR A TEST OR SOEMTHING HELP and the club is actually irrelevant as hell so it doesnt even really matter

plus anyways theres another thing i signed up for so ill wait for that one instead mueheuheheh but i dont think im getting in that either but at least i applied idk …….

UMUMUM theres nothing else that happened today OH I FINISHED MY NAGI EDIT ITS BEEN FINISHED ACTUALLY HELP IDK WHEN TO POST IT EXCEPT ON SATURDAY WHEN IK IT PROBABLT WONT FLOP AS HARD 💔💔 BUTITS OKAY 😈😈 i need to think of another edit idea or finish that sae edit its been .. pending for like two months now i swear.

i have a test on friday and then another test next week tuesday for history I WANAN DROP OUT OF THE CLASS SO BAD WHY DID I CHOOSE TO TAKE HISTORY AND IM IN THE ADVANCED CLASSES TOO 💔 chem isnt that bad but im scared for the unit test but her tests dont seem as hard HELPME I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD BE HARDER CUZ ITS CHEM BUT THEN AGAIN ITS ALSO LIKE IM HAPPY IT ISNT AS HARD ITS JUST I STILL DONT GET THESE TWO CONCEPTS AND I REALLT NEED TO LOCK IN FOR MY SUBJECTS

how do i even study for history cuz other than stuff like all i know is inflation, the fiat money system, and how my history teacher hates the united states and they can all suck his bald head bc they all suck and “EW AMERICANS!!!” apparently AND I SEE HIM FOR TWO PERIODS TOO HELP 💔 HE LEGIT ENCOURAGEd US TO DROP OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL AND IM LIKE HELLO ARENT U SUPPOSED TO MAKE US CONTINUE SCHOOL URE LITERALLT A TEACHER BUT OKAY.

im lowk tweaking because i reallt dont know how to study for history and my test on friday i feel so unprepared but to be fair I LEGIT HAVENT STARTED STUDYING YET AND I DONT PLAN TO UNTIL TOMORROW .. and i feel like i should start studying for my history test and im like erm maybe tmr ..! SO TECHNICALLY IF I STICK TO THE SCHEDULE I MADE FOR MYSELF IN MY HEAD WHCIH IS FINISH ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS TODAY (impossible) IT GIVES ME ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO STUDY FOR MY TWO TESTS WHICH LEAVES TIME FOR ME TO STUDY FOR MY CHEM TEST IN LIKE ESTIMATED 2-3 WEEKS BUT THEN I KNOW I CANR STICK TO SCHEDULE 💔 if i finish my cooking assignment today somehow then ill be able to do this and i sleep at like 11 pm today bc momi got mad i slept at 12 yesterday HELP. IMSORYR MOM I FELT GROSS I HAD TO SHOWER AT 11 OR ELSE I WOUDLNT BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP

i usuallt shower once i get home from school but yesterday my dinner meal thign project was due so i wa slike ok i have to prioritize this over my own stinky AND I DID FINISH IT MUEHAUYAIEGAPBX NOW I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN BUT FINISH IT IN LIKE 4 HoursHELP HOW LONG SHOULD THIS EVEN TAKE HE SAID ITS REALLT SIMPLE AND COPY PASTE BUT IM ALSO REALLY SLOW WITH ASSIGNMENTS IN GENERAL .. ☹️i get distracted too easily HELP.

i dotn even have a lock in playlist like i do my liked songs on shuffle and skip wvery songim not innthe mood to listen to i actuallt need to invest in playlists or else i cant do this shuffle liked method anymore ……

illcome baxk if i finish my project early ….. ILL ACTUALLY LOCK IN TODAY TRUST BUT DAILT UQRSTION TIME

would you rather be a gojo plushie or a smiski figure im just starign at them and theyre like right next to each other HELP I HAVE TWO FIGURES FROM THE CHEER SERIES??? IDK EXACTLY BUT THEYRE CUTE I WAS GONNA COLLECT MORE BUT 15 DOLLARS PER SMISKI MYSTERY BOX IS KINDA A SCAM FOR ME 💔

- 🐙

HAII today was okayish for me as well my typing class was kinda fun the teacher wasn't scary today!

YIPPEE!! GOOD JOBB

HELP WHAT ALL OF THAT INN COOKING CLASS??

LMAO i hope you get upset or something.. that sounds mean HELOME IDK IF I SHOULD COMFORT OR NOT

LMAO making posters sounds fun tho.. yet I make legal documents in class🙄🙄

DANG GIRL DO YIU HAVE A LIST YOU CHECK OFF WHEN SIGNING TO CLUBS?

OMG NAGII I'm gonna work on my drafts maybe on friday.. and rin smau.. I got a random rin spark of inspiration when reading these romance mangas..

OH WAIT THAT REMINDED ME THAT I NEEDED TO GIVE YOU AN EDIT IDEA ILK THINK OF ONE

ew I hate history ALSO YOU CAN DROP OUT OF A CLASS? I mean i heard of it but idk.. I'm too caribbean for this HELP

when I used to do chem I was so confused but I somehow passed history on the other hand idk what i did or if I passed or not THATS HOW UNINTERESTED I WAS IN HISTORY BC THEY DONT TEACH US STUFF THAT APPARENTLY EVERYONE SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS LIKE LOCAL STUFF AND IT WAS kinda boring.. SAME WITH WHEN I USED TO DO GEO THEY DIDNT TEACH US STUFF LIKE THE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS N STUFF MY FRIEND THOUGHT EGYPT WAS IN EUROPE I wasn't that bad like him.. BUT THATS MY POINT THEY DONT TEACH US IMPORTANT STUFF HERE so luckily I had business! well I chose business bc I wanna own my nursery or maybe a pre-school I like children and I have patience I think.. everyone thinks I'm crazy heh.. maybe I am..

HELPME THAT TEACHER REMINDS ME OF MY OLD DRAMA TEACHER he saw my gc messages once and HE TOOK OFF WITH MY PHONE

DANG SM MOTIVATION I wish I have that LMAO I asked my momma for help and she said when she used to go to school when she comes home she just go n play games ans she never studied she just had a good memory😂😂😐😒😒😒 I DONT I FORGOT WHAT I DID THIS MORNING I have no motivation hahaha..

YOUR MOM GETS MAD AT YOU? well mine does as well bc since I'm anemic I need 8 hours of rest bur (I don't go to sleep early) so I always get yelled at when I feel lightheaded BUT I TAKE NAPS IN THE AFTERNOON sometimes SO I HAVE A BURST OF ENERGY IN THE NIGHT plus I'm reading so

LMAO I GET DISTRACYED EASILY AS WELL that's why I'm up at 11pm and haven't started my notes bc imON MY PH9JE

ou playlisys are my favorite thing ti make! I have like 20 playlists public bc apparently I learnt my friends use them bc one asked me when I'm gonna update it and I'm like whag ans I have a bunch more in private

i woukd rather a smiski bc i searched it up and it looks cutiepie!

IDK WHAT'S A SMISKI OR WHAT SERIES IR HAVE

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ALSO. DAMN. speaking of worm being a fucked up story and knowing not everybody's gonna make it. i'm curious. do u have like... undersiders survival tier list? i wanna know who u think's gonna make it or who u think might not. when ur done having shrimp emotions over brian fridge etc of course :]]]

MAN. WELL. I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE HAD BRIAN DYING FIRST. GOD. hes not even dead yet (which is worse btw) but with the state hes in i may as well count him as such. i cannot see a world in which they convince bonesaw to fix him here. ugahuhh.

ANYWAY. this is not gonna be in list order bc im just thinking out loud as i type so here does. if im so real. lisa has had not one but TWO death scares already *and* her power is the least offensive so i thought for sure it was gonna be her.

im tempted to say taylor has final girl energy because she does and she could have plot armor considering most of the story is from her pov but with all of the interludes showing the story could VERY EASILY be told from someone else... i would not be fully surprised if taylor dies eventually and we switch main characters entirely. i would not be HAPPY about this per se but i wouldnt be totally surprised. taylor is so fast and loose with her own safety in regards to everything i could see her throwing herself into some situation and not being able to get herself out of it (very funny considering rn she is paralyzed at the hands of bonesaw in view of the brian fridge. aha. taylor you are in danger) HOWEVER i think if this is going to happen it wont be until wayyyyy later in the story and also itll either be some dramatic blaze of glory or just like. inconsequential and to save someone else .

torn on alec and rachel. if you wouldve asked me this like a week ago i wouldve said id expect alec to die second but i dont know why exactly? just vibes i guess. rachel is so hit or miss bc i definitely think shes strong enough to survive but also. again shes got the whole putting herself in stupid situations because of her anger thing which would easily get her killed if she was up against the wrong person. and i think in a meta sense killing her specifically would be SUCH a major shock. especially if its like. sudden or short or offscreen or something. someone who gets built up as super tough and indestructable getting offed in a second. idk. i can see it. ALSO LITERALLY THE FACT THAT AS OF RN THEYRE BOTH TARGETS OF THE S9 and from the way their test is supposed to work, only one person can make it out of there. which means AT LEAST one of them will have to die if they dont disrupt the test enough. (<< if this happens im expecting rachel to be the one that makes it. i dont think she wants to join the nine but i think shes more likely to go through with it than alec)

aisha.. i do not know enough about to say whether or not i think she'll survive much longer. she has done some STUPID SHIT and seems rlly reckless and doesnt care a whole lot for her own safety but also. need more info on her!!!!!!!!!!!

[straykats]

anyways hi guys i love u all here are some thoughts ive had

on ocean vuong and my own writing. i'm revisiting vuong's works for an assignment (bc i suddenly have the opportunity to centre an entire project around it the way that i want to hehe) and i think i'm realising how much he's influenced ymy writing fr? obviously not like. the stuff i post/ed here but the stuff i've done for my writing classes. i've acknowledged his work/s as inspiration, but mainly in the 'his use of the vietnamese language...' way but i think my writing style in general leans towards his as well.. and idk how i feel about that? i'm not saying i write exactly like him or as well as him (god no) but the tone? but i do want to believe that i've written in That Tone and Style before (im pretty sure i have, even before reading on earth) but im scared that im 'copying' his style. idk. i really do love the voice he uses when he writes, the way he poses questions and presents ideas. yes i would love for my writing to affect people the way his has affected mine. but i don't.. i want to still have my own thing, that isn't mine just because the reader hasn't read vuong's works? and ig its all about pov and interpretation at the end of the day - it all lays in the hands (eyes? mind?) of the reader/audience how something is interpretted, irrespective of creator intent - but i'm stil lconscious of it. idk. hm. smth to consider when i write later this week ig.

on my own writing (in general). i think i really do lack so much faith in myself. the feedback i've gotten back for my writing assignments have honestly all been beyond what i ever thought i could get (?????? fckin full marks last sem???? and this sem, a HD even though i gave it so little thight????) but i still don't think. i'm like. capable of pursuig writing in any capacity. i know one way to kind of 'venture out there' and find out how i fare 'in the real world' is to apply to comps and lit mags and stuff but i just. ahhhbhdsvhsvsvs when i think outside of the uni context i just don't think i have it in me but again, i realise i just need to kind of start applying to and entering stuff but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

on crushes and relationships. sometimes i have like. Thoughts. like just passing 'oh i hope they think of me' or 'oh i hope they (only) do this to/with me' etcetc and i'm like. oh okay maybe this is what a crush is???? because in school it was more of a. like. the people i was conscious of were people i was being teased about, so i was conscious of them and had similar thoughts but not.. the way i do now? like. i was just worried that the other person would feel a certain way about something, or would only do something with me, would treat me differently etc and then people would notice and then the teasing and the rumours etc would get worse. but now im like. just thinking it myself. no anxieties other than 'oh is this weird' 'what if this is a crush? what if i actually have a crush on my friend/s????' (yes plural okay wait i'm getting to that soon) and idk like. the whole realm of 'romantic or platonic?' is not an unfamiliar one. but it being familiar does not mean i have an answer sigh. anyways. why plural friends??? (and additinoal question, which i wont explore here, but whats the general opinion on having multiple crushes? is that a thing? i know polyamory is a thing, but im not looking for or want a poly relo. is it even possible to have multiple romantic crushes at once? does that mean theyre NOT romantic? anyways. moving on.)

the one male friend who i am very conscious of having these thoughts about: we're not exactly childhood friends, but we were friends in childhood..? as in, we went to the same school. forced friendship kinda vibes. friends the way the majority of people in a primary schooler's class is their friend. but then i moved schools and ended up keeping in contact with him (amongst other primary school friends) and then we had serious/personal convos? and then we stopped talking for 5-8 years (memory sucks okay sorry) and then. now we work together and long story short we do share a friendgroup? but i'm not super close with him and idk if thats just how he is but ANYWAYS like do i just want us to be closer friends bc i ??? idk like i do wanna be closer friends w him uh guys this is actually EMBARRASSING

my best friend: okay look im more accepting of the fact that i do not (currently?) actually have a romantic crush on her but also like. what if i do and i just dont realise it and one day i realise it but its too late bc she'll be engaged fr (she has a boyfriend rn and i'm chill w it? sometimes i think smth about them and im like ??? wait huh is this jealousy or smth??? but then im like no its literally not) but yeah idk its 1am rn and my head isnt working so tldr; im pretty sure i dont have a romantic crush on her but i also do wish our friendship was more phsyically affectionate, the way some of my other female friendships are? and i think thats what confuses me? she's aware she's not a physical person (even w her bf) and we're aware that i am NVJKNVKS hm idk im making sense in my head but i dont think i am in writing

anyways them two^ do be the main ???? but im also like. what if im just wanting a different type of friendship yknow. like how much do i want. at what point is it no longer wanting a closer/different friendship, and is actually wanting a romantic friendship? how does one 'develop' romantic feelings??? im so confused man i wish there was a diagnostic criteria for these types of things. i cuold write a whole thing about rom/platonic relationships and confusion. maybe the confusion is a sign in itself (maybe im aro? but the idea of an (intentional and sconiously) romantic relationship is so neat and comforting and i??? but what if---- what if i just lobotomise myself fr feelings are so confusing

on the home situation [cw: fam neg, divorce, mental health?] mum got a house and she wants me to move in with her, if not both myself and my brother. dads kinda being a dick about this whole thing, but i also understand that with the way it happened, hes probably got a lot going on mentally. i don't like.. i don't like being able to understand and think about others the way i do. i become too conscious of the (possible) reasons why someone is acting the way they are. i get too empathetic and understanding and i don't know how to draw lines and do things with myself as a priority. i can't make choices that put my safety and wellbeing first, because i understand why everyone wants what they want and why they need what they want. i might even be extrapolating and overthinking things to the point that theyre not even half truths anymore. i'm so scared to make choices and hurt people because i've grown up with such strong fears that all sorts of bad things will happen if i do this or that, if i make someone feel a certain way. and theres a conscious part of my brain thats like. well. conscious that i need to Snap Out Of It and realise that i cant keep thinking and living like this and i need to prioritise myself at somepoint. idk i have a lot to say about this but i think it would need a sep post on its own. and better analysis of content post-writing to identify relevant warnings. hm. anyways. times do be tough.

on stationary, desk set ups, and productivity. this bits just for funsies but ive recently been kinda obsessed w the spiral notebooks that u can like. refill/replace paper etc and i think theyre so neat so i got a bunch of different paper packs and also folders or whatever BUT ive been too scared to use them? last week i tried to start like. daily planning and semi-journalling and i drew up september in calendar format or whatever and then a daily task thing w time schedules etcetc (trust okay the vision was visioning) and i knew i probably wouldnt be able to this daily but i could at least do it some days and try and get into a pattern but anyways yeah have not looked at it since KFJJKFNJSKNFSK. but i'm using the paper/folder thing now for project development (assignment) and i also want to have one dedicated to references etc (like an annotated bibliography kinda thing) bc a lot of the work i do centers around similar concepts so old material stays handy yknow but i always end up having to pull up old assignments and trying to remember what was in each reference. anyways. problem for later. i also got the logitech casa pop-up desk thing and i'm enjoying it v much. also got a desk lamp thing from amazon and its ocming tmrw and i'm hoping getting better lighting at my desk will make me more productive (i tend to be more productive working at the kitchen table, but its not ideal bc dads in the living room doing karaoke ....

[searching-for-synpathy]

I am fucking going thru it rn tbh lol. Just getting bashed by waves of helplessness and trauma triggers just over and over till i feel numb and scroll reddit 9 hours per day to cope.

Not only do I keep having dumbass drama with my (also traumatized slightly unhinged) siblings, which included me having to tell one to BACK THE FUCK OFF when he tried to physically grab me during an argument, but ALSO my dad almost killed us multiple times by driving recklessly, ALSO my stepdad was screaming last night at my mom about how his suicide ideation wasnt a big deal I guess, and I was up till 1am last night wondering if he was going to snap and fucking take us all out. This is horrible. I cannot be still fucking dealing with this nonsense at 22 years old. It CANNOT be getting WORSE than it was, which was horrible. What the fuck is going on. Oh also my dad dying right, that’s always there too. What the fuck. Why is it like this. Why are they doing this to me.

I don’t feel like I can talk to my girlfriend about any of it really because it would just be nonstop whiny fucking garbage about this awful place and I dont want to do that to her. On the drive to the restaurant we went to today I was just thinking about my official diagnosis (“adjustment disorder” which maybe is just what they use for generic MH issues) and just how much of a weepy fucking mess I’ve been and how ive never been very liked and. Blah. Im gonna stop there bc i know its not a healthy rabbit hole and it was actually the cause of a lot of that same weepiness in college. Self fulfilling prophecy. But my point actually is just that I feel fucking kneecapped by my awful family and our random bad circumstances at this point. It’s not REALLY my siblings’ or stepdad’s faults that theyre like this, but jesus christ, you guys, can you fucking try? For me? And the years of fucking accumulation of this shit has just worn my willpower and self esteem to the nub. No wonder I have no goals and no confidence that I can do anything real in the world! I can’t even keep my dad and my stepdad and my sublings from tearing yhe fucking world apart! What am I supposed to do about anything! Rinse and repeat. Exhausted angry tired going to sleep in my dad’s house tonight which is at least actually peaceful.