#i just remember it being overwhelming idk
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#god awful sleep today#GOD AWFULLLL#😭😭😭😭😭#i really couldn't switch off my brain#had a very intense dream and woke up in the middle of the night feeling SICKKK#heart was racing and everything#EUUUUGHHHHH#it wasn't even a nighmare lmao#i just remember it being overwhelming idk#and then i managed to fall back asleep only to have another big dream#can't remember that one but#i feel like i didn't get any sleep💀💀💀#i love it#mayor of loserville
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Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed
#marzi speaks#marzivents#hi folks. i haven’t been making much art lately. apologies! i want to be#unfortunately shit is Stressful in both my little world (i’m starting to get overwhelmed with my meds and refills and driving)#and on a broader more societal scale (if trump gets re-elected shit is going to go so fucking bad oh my god)#PLUS we’re in the It Gets Dark At 6PM Zone now#i think i’ve lowkey been catastrophizing a bit with all that’s been going on#i should probs look into those psych referrals my doctor gave me#she offered them bc the almost-dying earlier this year was Traumatic and i was showing signs of anxiety/depression#but i think they’ll just be helpful in general#god though i hate being on prescriptions. it feels like there’s a constant timer hanging over my head#refill these pills before this time so you don’t have to miss a day. woops! the pharmacy’s out of stock on this one#so you’ll have to come back at another less convenient time. fail to do so and the medication goes on hold#which requires a phone call where you speak to a Robot that may not understand the nuances of ur situation#grrrgh it sucks so bad. thankfully i refilled my prednisone the other day and have like 3 months’ worth now#and that’s the one i really can’t afford to miss bc steroid withdrawals could really fuck me up#but uggghhh i hate it. so much. bc it looms over me always#i hate keeping track of when i’ve taken my pills too. i keep a checklist for every day#so i remember what i have to take and if i’ve taken it#but god it sucks. i’m at the point where it’s basically routine now so i do it automatically#but i know if i stop monitoring i’m gonna forget if i’ve taken my steroid one day#and either double dose or skip the day. and that’ll fuck me up pretty good#anyways. hoping hoping hoping this election goes well bc idk if i can take it if our country tis of thee elects the fucking fascist#this one’s fine to rb. i think many of us share this sentiment lmao
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Even if he has made peace with it all (couldn't be me), that just means that he'll give an interview promoting wine or the hulu thing and just toss off some line about not wanting it to end like that or wishing he had his parents there for the last race, but otherwise he's fine and it'll get more attention than anything Christian has said in months + blow holes in their narrative. And it'll be a one sentence throw away
your lips straight to god's (daniel's?) ears fr anon
#whatever it is can it happen soon#idk how the fuck i'm supposed to live like this 😭#i literally can't even look at a pic of him without being overwhelmed with such sadness and anger at this point#like literally scrolling the dash seeing a pic realizing/remembering that it's not actually from this weekend#remembering we're probably never going to get that ever again...along with a million other things we'll never have again...#and how we didn't even get to enjoy the last time knowing it was the last time...#which then just fills me with so much bitterness towards the sport in general and seeing anyone else continue on like nothing happened#it's fucking BAD i literally have no joy left from it whatsoever 😭#i know someday things will be better but FUCK man 😭#rbr hate blogging#answered#anonymou
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#one of the things I have to be careful of this school year#is not putting all this pressure on myself to suddenly be wiser and more stable and more knowledgeable than I am right NOW#not to mention organized#my ambition with teaching has grown sooooo much as my teacher self has stabilized#like oh shoot. I want to be ACTUALLY good at this. not just getting by on personality or passion#but idk. that can just open up all sort of rabbit holes for me to fall down. where I panic about not knowing more or being a different kind#of teacher. like I just need to a) stay the course. b) make small changes to be more disciplined/try to teach writing/grammar a little bit#better. a little bit at a time.#because it’s already such an overwhelming job#also on a more profound level I need to keep remembering it’s not about me and asking God to guide me#because it’s like. there are just suddenly a lot of eyes turned my way#in terms of just being like ‘yeah you’re a Real Teacher now’#not that they’re even saying it. but the kids have accepted it. the student body has accepted it#(benefit of staying in the same place for 5 years)#and so it is a whole new pressure#but yeah. I think not giving in to it and just trying to chip away at being more organized and more in-depth and a better communicator#and assessor#(sp?) and just yeah all of it#just reflecting. and rambling.
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not sneeze, just rambling about extreme anxiety and low self esteem lol
god I hate being so fucking sensitive, every time I feel like a friend is even slightly annoyed with me I just totally shut down and can't function around them
and I know reasonably that I'm probably overreacting and reading too much into things and they probably aren't bothered by me at all, and that this instance probably isn't even something they'll remember
but I just can't even THINK about the situation to examine it because it fr just feels like someone's taking a baseball bat to my face, it's like a physical pain to remember it
idk I'm so overwhelmed with work and college and my family and I write with my friends to escape everything, but I haven't even been able to do that for the past several days because I can't even bear to face what a cringey individual I am
it is so tempting to just be completely alone sometimes, at least then I can be cringey on my own and outside of anyone's view
#i have stupid work to finish before I go to bed but here I am crying on snzblr because I endlessly feel like a cringe individual#any time I try to convince myself I'm thinking too much into it#then I just remember the times that my worries about being cringe/annoying/etc WERE confirmed#idk i'm tired and overwhelmed and sad sorry for the vent
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Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
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Fml. I have mental illnesses for real fhat arent just garden variety anxiety and depression <- sorry it turned into a vent/rant in the tags. The perilous poster
#THIS IS NOTHING IM FINE !!!#i just had to remember earlier that sometimes i dont get to be myself#and i drove through my ahit moms town for no reason#and we got a kitten and of course i feel like the only one reasonably concerned#so idk if my concerns are valid or if im overreacting and i dont know how much of my worry is justified#what if im just being a party pooper?#ANDDDD on top of that i dont know where the kitten is rn. and its fine. ots fine#but my mind keeps flashing me images of him stuck somewhere or hurt or somethinf#and i was supposed to be watching him but i left to make food#but my family keeps going 'oh lets do a small trip' so i dont add anything to the list#and then they get a bunch of bs and i dont get any food#WE DONT NEED COSMIC BROWNIES MAN I NEED TO EAT A REAL MEAL THAT MAKES ME FULL PLEASE GOD#and our older cat hates the kitten and im worried the stress is gonna kill him because hes fucking 19#agghh aaghhhhhhh and i cant keep up with everyone and im overwhelmed and i think im just like#upset because i havnt had real food but fuck man idk what to do about that#i coukd bike down to the store and get a sandwich#but my stupid brain keeps going 'if you leave the kitten will die and its your fault'#even though thats not fuckong correct#and i just. aaghhh. aaghhhhhh#and im overheatinf rn but i cant go to my room bc aforementioned kitten desth prophecies#and i. just. aaghhhh ghhhhrrhhhh ghrrrr#im fine im fine i just need to complain i need to be a bitch#ANDDD im tired cause i coulsnt sleep which isng helping#god ive been having a bunch of panic attacks lately too i stopped having them so much after quitting school
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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i just need to make it to shabbat i just need to make it to shabbat i just need
#😵💫😵💫😵💫#short response due tmrw ; seminar presentation potentially tmrw WHICH I ONLY JUST REMEMBERED ; short seminar quiz to do before friday ;#latin club “homework” which im probably gonna tell my friend i cant continue w bc my weekly workload is already too overwhelming w 3 courses#+ i have to have by thrice yearly lunch w my evangelical godmother which means 3 hour convo half dedicated to getting me to abandon judaism#and half to getting me to repent my sinful homosexual ways and go back to being a nice straight girl#all of which is going to happen in public and she WILL tear up at multiple points of the conversation and it WILL be supremely awkward#when people inevitably start eavesdropping bc let's be real if i were at a cafe overhearing this convo i would be listening in too#and everyone's like 'ugh why dont you just tell her to fuck off' but im the only trans person and the only observant jew she has ever met#two groups against which she already has so many preconceived notions so like. idk it feels like my responsibility#as someone who knows her and who she acc cares about (vs a stranger) to try and give her a different perspective on these things ???#like if me being patient and calmly explaining why i transitioned/why i converted can stop her even slightly from sliding even further right#(and like she's Right Wing like covid denial right wing)#and if it might mean the next trans person or whtvr that she interacts with has it slightly easier then like. sure j can sit through#a couple irritating hours every few months#but its just suuuch a shit time for it like im meeting her thursday after class when i have a massive fucking assignment to hand in on sat#which FUCK gotta add that to the list#☞ annotated bibliography due saturday aka friday bc shabbos#okay okay. im done losing my mind in the notes 😵💫👍🏻#p.s.
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#personal#keep being like. if Only i had talked to him sooner. if Only i had been Friendlier sooner. but its like#Realistically.... probably wasnt ready. and also like. itd have to happen after school was over anyway bc 1. um i need to focus on school#and 2. how Awkward if i asked him out n he said no. or say we broke up or soemthing#like there were weeks i saw him every day. aint no way... i could handle the awkwardness of that#so ok ok ok. everything is fine JFJFJKFKFKFMFMFMFMFMF#i just have to remember not to get in my own head about it#like if i wanna message him i just should.....#its just..... hhhhHHhhhhh whyd this have to happen to me at 29. i could have been a happy spinster thank u NFJFJFJFJJFJFJFJF#but now ik what having an actual crush is like and oh wow is it painful. but also beautiful n fun. i just...... and lets face it this is#more than a crush. like its definitely Like like but i dont wanna say the Real L Word bc it seems..... idk JDJDJJDJD#but ive definitely um.... fallen. ya. ew JDJDKDJKDKDKDKDKS#but im just gonna follow my gut or whatever the fuck has been guiding me bc things have worked out so far#and like it wouldnt have without his participation. like ya....#im just like... what if he Forgets about me or like everything fizzles out#but then its like i Know if i see him again itll all come back.#bc in the summer i tried so hard to get over him (and kinda succeeded)... only to see him again in class and be like oh fuck oh no and the#n That Dinner. that was the final blow. i was so overwhelmed i got lost on the way home#which... the restaurant we were at is less than 10 mins from my house so you can imagine the uh Overwhelmingness#i cant even remember the original point of this but. i think we'll find a way ....... i say we but i should say 'i' bc until he tells me#that he likes me im gonna have to like Not Assume. hhhh#it doesnt help either that ppl were bringing up 'hes just not that into you' on twt bc Now im like#oh God. am i in that kind of situation???? i doubt it tho. i think hes just reserved. GAH. whatever happens happens
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idk how ppl can handle kids. i sit in the room with 2 of them for just a little while and i get overloaded with anxiety from too much sound and constant interruptions from whatever im trying to focus on
#was trying to finish up on sdv and anytime i got interrupted i had to spend a few minutes remembering what i was doing on my game#and by the time i regained my bearings im interrupted again#but aside from thta. theres so much noise in my house rn. from kids being loud to my mom and aunt n uncle talking loud#hoooooooooo buddy. hoo man.#overstimuulated out the wazoo#i would like to be the cool adult kids can look up to and have fun with but i can only handle being around kids in INCREDIBLY short bursts#otherwise i need to go in my room and sit in silence for a long long time every so often#anyways. noise is the worst i wish i could mute my ears#i wish i could not speak when overwhelmed like this bc i really just get the urge to go silent#but i havent done that previously and if i did it suddenly my mom would be very confused and id have to explain#which i very much wouldnt want to do bc. nonverbal#actually didnt i see being selectively nonverbal or something actually called something else. idk#too overwhelmed rn to bother seeing what the proper term might be rn i just dont want thoughts or words or noises or anything#i want to turn everything off
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...staring at my drafts and realizing i should perhaps consider pausing on answering ask prompts to start getting caught back up on those instead bc the number is back in the 40s & i just found a starter i completely forgot about bc it got lost on the second page :x
#a few weeks of mentally struggling & being out of it has really done a number on all that hard work i did getting (almost) caught up l-lmao#tbf everything except like. 2 threads (& a few unprompted asks that're in there) are all from march & april but. hhhh.#i was doing sm better at staying on top of stuff and then suddenly that all went to hell lmakjfakjs#really tho i suppose i should just keep doing whatever i'm feeling/enjoying the most right?#i'm here to have fun not stress over deadlines that don't exist for replies#need to get better at remembering that. need to..... idk. stop feeling overwhelmed over a hobby lmao#i just!!!! feel so bad leaving things for so long!!! i worry it makes people think i don't want to write w them#or i've lost interest or smth which!!! is not at all the case!!!! my brain just sucks so bad!!!!!#i'm rambling to myself ignore me ajsfksd i'll see what i feel like tackling tomorrow#hopefully?? i'll have some better focus??? bc my writing has still felt v disjointed today and i don't. like that. at all.#but my usual routine around the house is still kinda disrupted & off-kilter until monday which i think is playing a big part in my struggle#so. idk. we'll see. i'm still rambling i'm sorry pls continue ignoring me askjfsd#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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devastated by the young furiosa casting, personally
#not that anyone remembers but seeing her face gives me the overwhelming urge to beat the shit out of her for some reason#afaik she ain't done nothing wrong people say she's a good actress idk what it is about her face that sends me into such a violent rage#and then she got casted as one of my favorite characters :(#do I suffer through the movie or just not watch it. it's like I'm being drawn and quartered
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Okay I'm home now and i can fully and freely type. Anyway mild spoilers for into the spiderverse i guess?
❌❌❌
Anyway uh. Yeah it... It was a tiny bit of a disappointment. It didn't do it for me at all. I feel like this movie is more of an art exhibit and i mean that as a fucking insult. Like sure the animation fucks my ears are ringing and my head aches horribly (that's on me for thinking i can be autistic and watch this on theaters) but like, the story man? It just so much (DEROGATORY).
It commits the sin a lot of spiderman movies make and that is that it bit more than it could chew. Not because they're bad at handling a complex story, but because they tried to juggle like 5 at once. And that never fucking works (my ear is still ringing and it hurts I'm in pain rn -_+ just wanted y'all to know)
Like it introduced SO FUCKING MUCH and it all was cool yeah! Just like electro was cool, and Harry, and Gwen, and captain Stacy. You know what in trying to fucking say? There's only so much you can do in 2 hours and you can just throw all you have all at once at the viewer because all you'll do is leave them disappointed wanting for more of that.
I feel like a baby. They show me this cool thing but nuh uh! Enough of that! Here's this new cool thing! But nuh uh! Enough of that- and so on. Like there were so many cool characters and ideas and concepts and shit but it could barely balance it all. YOU KNOW HOW BAD I WANTED TO SEE MORE OF THE SPOT?! HE BARELY WAS HERE!
It's like, you cannot fucking make a whole movie as the introduction to your next movie. That just sucks. You're setting yourself up for failure.
Like I'm just so upset bc it was full of amaizing things but it didn't fucking deliver in any of them!!!! And God don't get me started on the references. I think this was one of the worst ways to fill your movie with references. Like at least let me fucking process what I'm seeing if you are gonna waste so much time here, but also just... Don't make it so fucking blatant.
Like man i... This was a very experimental spiderman movie which i appreciate in a way but... It's not what I was expecting. To me, personally, it was disappointing. And also not designed at ALL to watch on cinemas. I think that last bit is just a fact.
I'm just kinda sad man. Like i loved Miles and Gwen's drama and i loved Miguel but I also wanted to see more of, you know, THE WHOLE FUCKING NEW CAST AND THE NEW FUCKING VILLAIN THEY INTRODUCED BUT SHOWED ONLY FOR LIKE 2-3 SEGMENTS MAX???????
LIKE HANDS ON HEAD EMOJI WHAT WERE THEY DOINGGGGG 😭😭😭😭
#luly talks#im sorry to the people who loved this movie i am so upset#on funnier news i found the spot is called la mancha in spanish which is funny bc mancha is what we call a common kids game#in fact i remember that the english name for that is tag we call that mancha#LA mancha#btw i did love Miles' mom having more of the spotlight it was like a little treat for us latinos fr#also. the amount of cop stuff was a bit too much. i wouldn't call it pro cop like some idiot i saw the other day but it. like. hm. y'know?#like this movie feels like an art project something you'd see the fans do and if they did you'd allow the imperfections#but it was made by an studio and there were expectatives in the table like it. it just doesn't stand on its own at all#I WANTED MORE OF PAV AND HOBBIE MAN. I FUCKING DID. HOBBIE ESP I HAVE A CRUSH ON EM#they/them too right? didnt really hear it well but I'm sure i heard em be called they#i will say tho i loved the pear shaped spiderwoman that was super cool#i did literally joke about being too fat to make a spidersona b4 watching the movie and sure she was a woman i aint but it was nice anyway#but yeah it just. it tried to chew more than it could bite. the spot was so cool tho#the spot and hobbie are my guys i love them#man I'm just sad i really am im repeating myself bc im too overwhelmed to retain thoughts so idk if im being clear but like#this movie had a LOT of good things but it delivered on nearly NONE of them#like just commit! you want this to be a story about Miles sure do that but just focus on him and that's it#dont throw in so much and leave us yearning for more bc now we have the old cast AND the new cast both and we barely saw any of these new#ppl interacting we barely fucking know them#anyway just SAD man
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I had a long rambling post planned but basically
Reminder not to drive when you’re tired bc I just had to file my first ever insurance claim
#got into a little bit of a fender bender with a fence post on my way home#by which I mean the road leading to my home#by which I mean basically my driveway#I was exhausted then#I am exhausted now#everything is fine#my poor car is okay#my partner and his dad duct taped it up for me and there’s no warnings on or anything#so it’s drivable#(I don’t think it’s literal duct tape but I think the idea of it being duct tape is funniest)#but I still took off work because I knew I’d be totally overwhelmed#with both having to call the insurance place#and having to exist in general#and I was right#and also I am so so tired#and I kind of knew that would happen too I think even though I tried to get a fair amount of sleep#but I didn’t sleep in and I’m not letting myself nap because I don’t want to deviate from my sleep schedule too much and fuck it even more#and also because I am a hypochondriac#but I was just so tense yesterday y’know#idk anyway#made a short post instead of a long post and I still just won’t stop yapping in the tags#but yeah no seriously don’t drive tired#I pretty much always make a concentrated effort not to do that#and it was such a silly stupid accident#and it turned out pretty okay#but it could’ve been pretty not okay#so like#stay safe if you drive and remember that driving tired is dangerous#anyway#not witchy
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someones lover boy feels like im banging on a glass wall trying to tell beau he has autism and there are coping mechanisms that can help him but nooooo SOMEONE had to set this in the 80s so he has to figure it all out himself without ever actually knowing the Thing behind it all
#there's something thematic in the autism of lover boy but i don't know what it is yet#anyway partially related but i saw a reel ages ago that like#described meltdowns as necessary for autistic people to regulate their emotions when they#get the Build Up (iykyk)#they were like oh when i find myself getting overwhelmed or pushed over the edge i let myself have a meltdown#like if you can get out of the situation and be alone and let yourself do what you need to do#and i was just like wow cause ive only seen meltdowns framed as like#the Explosion after everything bubbles up like....the consequence of it#which makes sense when so much of autism portrayals is external (aka how it affects non autistic ppl)#like cant remember a time where i've seen meltdowns defined as smth that is actually necessary to help me#anyway I WANT TO TELL BEAU THAT SO BADDDD i wish he knew that if he needs to just like cry until hes exhausted he can#like brother that is your body regulating itself#one of the challenges is i want him to develop and find coping skills + philosophies like this#but it kinda like. has to happen organically because he literally has no resources#except like. 1980s take on anxiety oops#idk maybe felix can help him out. felix being good at this stuff is already the plot twist i never expected from the Annoying Cocaine Man
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