#i just dont want to be there for it to go wrong again. i hate being so afraid of the horrors that i cant bring myself to partake

[yuckqr]

sexy sorrys!! 18+

summary - youve liked dean for years, though when he finally tries to kiss you, you get cold feet (twice..) in an attempt to apologize, things get steamy in the shower !!! -`♡´-

warnings - smut (blowjob), virgin reader, masturbation, hot headed reader, explicit language

pairing - dean x female reader

6.3k words

a/n at the end ◡̈

once you guys arrived to the hotel, it was way past dark and it was thundering outside. you hated when the weather was like this, they both knew that. sam looked back at you as you guys pulled up to the front door, 'hey, look, you go inside and check us in, we can grab your things.' dean looked at sam in confusion, 'i never agreed to that?' he looked back at you and you shot him a dirty look. 'im just kidding, sweetheart, go inside. we gotchya.' you rolled your eyes and grabbed a sweater from the trunk to cover over your head. 'thanks guys,' you smiled at them and then sprinted out of the car to the front door, almost slipping. you felt like you could practically hear deans laughter at your clumsiness. as you got inside, you took the sweater off your head and went to the front desk.

'dont have an umbrella?' the desk attendant looked at you, judgement seeping through her seemingly kind demeanor.

'uhm.. yeah, no i dont.. uh, im here to check in for winchester? 2 rooms?' you draped the sweater around your shoulders and shivered.

'yes, do you have your ID?' she looked up at you.

'oh! uh, my friend signed it under his name, theyre outside grabbing the bags, theyll just be in in a second, can i just get the key?' you looked at her awkwardly. she glared at you.

'right.. so we cant give out the keys unless we see the ID of the person who checked out the room.. sorry.' she gave you a faux sympathetic smile.

'uh, theyre just outside, i promise, can i just get the key? im freezing, i just want to take a warm shower.' the agitation in your voice started to become noticable.

'miss, i already told you..' the doors swung open as the attendant started to lose her temper with you. her gaze averted from the supposed crazy woman standing infront of her, now turned to the handsome man holding four bags, two on each arm.

'excuse me..' dean said sweetly as he sat the bags down on the floor, 'im here to check in for the rooms under winchester?'

the attendant looked at him and smiled, her eyes full of that same look that every other girl gave him. the same look that gave you a pit in your stomach.

'oh, ofcourse!' she said sweetly, 'let me grab the keys.' you looked at her in confusion. 

'hey!' you said, your voice raising. 'you didnt ask him for his ID?' dean looked at you awkwardly as he put his hand around your waist and smiled at the attendant.

'excuse my...' he cleared his throat, 'girlfriend.' you looked up at him swiftly, your eyebrows furrowing. 'she was just given the news that her.. aunt passed away.. oh they were very close..' he nodded his head and closed his eyes as he squeezed onto your shoulder, 'shes not in the right headspace right now.. im sorry if she gave you the wrong impression.'

you couldnt believe him, him and his dumb savior complex. your stomach boiled with rage and your face started to burn. 'fuck you!' you tore away from his grip, 'hey!' you slammed your hands on the desk. 'my aunt is NOT dead, and excuse my braindead friend, we are not dating.' 

the attendant looked at you like she was going to slap you. 'excuse me!' 

dean rested his arms on your shoulders once more and squeezed again, 'shes just in denial! im so sorry.. hey.. im sorry honey its okay..' he took you in his arms and hugged you towards his chest as he whispered in your ear, 'hey its okay.. just calm down.. lets not get kicked out of this hotel, alright?' he patted your shoulders and let you go as you exhaled aggresively. 

'im....' you took a deep breath in, 'sorry, miss.' you frowned slightly and grabbed onto deans hand. 'thanks..' you said as you looked up at him and glared, gritting your teeth as you smiled at him. he looked back down at you and winked. 

**

once sam finally came inside, the three of you sat down in the lobby for a moment to.. calm yourselves. 

'hey, are you guys okay?' sam looked at you, a concerned tone in his voice, to which he then faced towards dean to see him sprawled out on the sofa.

'yeah, were good,' he said calmly. 'just had to calm my girlfriend down in front of..' he tilted his head towards the desk to point sams attention to the direction of the attendant. sam nodded and gave dean a blank expression. you grumbled at dean as he said this, the jacket still wrapped around your arms. 'right..' he said awkwardly. 

'uhm.. anyway,'  sam cleared his throat, 'im gonna go up to my room..' he stood up and you looked up at him in confusion.

'your room?' you looked over to dean to see him with a half smile. 'i thought i had my own room?' 

sam looked over to dean and furrowed his eyebrows. 'dean said he was gonna share a room with you.. sorry.' he gave you a sympathetic look before walking away. he turned around and said 'dont kill each other, please, for the love of god. i dont need one of your spirits haunting me for the rest of my life.' as he turned back around you flipped him off and you heard dean snicker to himself.

**

the door slammed behind the both of you and you turned behind to look at him.

'what the fuck is wrong with you?' you wanted to punch him, or slap him across the face. he walked infront of you without looking you in the eyes as he sat the bags down on the beds. 'oh, and by the way, why the fuck am i stuck in a room with you? why couldnt i have gotten my own room, you and sam should be bunking together.' as you spoke at him, you heard him laugh underneath his breath which only fueled the fire inside of you. you snatched your bag barely from his grasp and he looked at you with a surprised look. you didnt bother to look him in the eye, so you took your bag to the bathroom and changed into shorts and a tank.

as he heard the creak of the bathroom door open, he looked back at you and shrugged his shoulders.

'okay okay, im sorry, okay, but look you were seriously going to get us kicked out. she was this close, i could see her reaching for the phone.' you looked at him furiously, you were basically panting. 'and the room, sam wanted his own because he knows that you and i are both messy. he wanted his own space, thats all. no further intentions. cross my heart.' he raised his arms and did the symbol acrossed his chest. you sighed at his gesture, you didnt want to be mad. you just didnt want to be saved. you wanted to fight your own battles once and awhile. 

'im sorry..' you sat across from him on the other bed. 'i..' you spoke softly, 'look, ive just been-' cutting you off, thunder struck loudly.. on what seemed like the building you were staying in. 'jesus!' you exhaled and your heartbeat quickened.

'hey..' dean looked at you with concern, 'are you okay?' he pat the open space next to him, urging you to come sit next to him.

though his offer was sweet and it made your heart flutter, you felt too proud to let him save you again, so you said nothing as you held the jacket around your arms. 'im fine. im not a child.' you looked at him angrily, though you saw the sincerity in his face. lightning struck once more, which caused you to jump again.

'okay..' he said as he stood up, 'ill sit next to you then.' as he sat down, the bed creaked and you looked up at him. he sat closely. you dont think he meant to, but you two were very close to each other now. 

dean felt like he could hear your heart beating, and oh was it going fast. he wasnt sure if it was because of the rain, or him. he wrapped one arm around you and you leaned into him, and he sighed. no words were spoken, he just let you rest in his embrace. moments went by as the thunder continued to rumble, which caused you to jump each time. he wanted to distract you, to do anything to calm you down. he didnt know what to do, so he just sat in silence.

as you looked up at him, he gulped. you looked so pretty, and he wanted to distract you. he figured that he was just trying to help, and so he leaned in to kiss you.

you stood up quickly as he tried to initiate this with you. 'uhm..' you said quietly. 'sorry..' you stood awkwardly.

he looked up at you, and shook his head quickly before he spoke. 'no.. no, its okay, im sorry, i shouldnt have done that.. you just looked really stressed out and so i wanted to help you relax..' he paused as he looked around the room to avoid eye contact. 

your eyebrows furrowed as he spoke. help you relax? you thought to yourself..

'uhm..' he spoke quickly, 'yeah, uhm. i think we should go to bed, we have to.. get going in the morning.' he stood up from your bed then flopped down onto his own. 'right, i uh.. i hope you get good sleep.' he said as he turned around to face away from you.

fuck. it was awkward, and you were confused. you layed in bed on your back as you tried to wrap your brain around what had happened. dean had tried to kiss you and.. you rejected him? you rolled around in bed, restless. why did you reject him? what did he mean when he said he 'wanted to help you relax?' was it the fact that you knew you were way less experienced than him? did he just do that because he felt bad for you? you knew that hed been with many women before you, but why did he try to kiss you now? you didnt know, and you didnt really want to think about it either. any thought regarding the manner made you feel sick.

**

knocking on the door woke you up from your sleep. you didnt even remember drifting off, but you knew it mustve been not long ago since you felt extremely drowsy. 

'goodmorning you two,' sam said as you creaked the door open slowly. 'how did you both sleep?' he peaked into the room and was (not surprised) to see dean still laying in bed, out cold. 

'uhm..' you yawned and rubbed your eyes, 'not the best to be honest.' you followed him as he paced around your guys messy room. 

'see, this is what i mean. i would have punched dean if he made our room this messy.' you laughed awkwardly, 'yeah, haha, this is actually mostly me,' you admitted. he turned back at you and shook his head. 

'aha, i wouldnt have punched you, but i wouldve given you a lecture for sure,' he teased. you enjoyed sams lightheartedness. he made you feel more at ease.

'hey, dean' he patted his head which jerked him out of his slumber. 'time to wake up man, we got a ghost to hunt' deans eyes opened slightly, the light piercing into what felt like his skull. 

'yeah yeah,' he said, clearly mocking him. 'give me a minute, can you atleast get out so i can change?' he looked behind sam to see you standing there, a long t shirt covering most of your body. you looked away before his eyes met yours, you felt like you were going to explode from the situation that occurred the previous night.

sam nodded and told him not to take too long, then he exited out of the room swiftly, shutting the door behind him. you sat down on your unmade bed and watched him as he sat up. 

'dean?' you said quietly. he looked up at you, still partially in a dazy state. 

'mhm?' he looked you in the eyes which caused you to look away from him again. 

'im sorry..' you spoke softly, 'i dont know.. i didnt know..' you paused, but he shook his head at you and said, 'no, no dont apologize. you have nothing to be sorry for. im sorry for trying to push that onto you.. i wont ever do that again, i promise.'

your heart sank. you knew he meant well, but you realized you gave off the wrong impression. you didnt really know what to say, so you just nodded smally and then got up to hide your face so you didnt unintentionally cry infront of him. you didnt want him to feel sorry for you again. you wanted to tell him that you loved him, that you wanted to kiss him, but you didnt know how. you couldnt. you didnt want to ruin what the three of you had. 

**

the rest of that day was very awkward. sam tried to lighten the mood by making the jokes that dean would usually make, though it didnt help much. you wanted to pull dean aside to talk with him privately, you just didnt know how to go about that. you didnt even know what you wanted to say, you just knew that this 'silent treatment' he was giving you was worse than anything you ever could have wanted. you knew he was just trying to make you feel comfortable, but it was making you feel like he was avoiding you. 

as you arrived to the scene of the crime, there was a couple cops there already. dean, ofcourse, stood up straight and walked directly towards them.

'good evening heros of the city, im matthew hill from the department of.. neighborhood security, what do we have here?' he smiled bravely and without a moments notice, they smiled back.

as they explained the scene, you and sam snuck to the back of the house to find a door or window to break in. once you found an entrance point, you looked back behind you before entering. the cop, you could tell, was clearly interested in dean. by all means, it looked like he was interested in her too. and why wouldnt he be? she was beautiful. you felt your stomach churn at the sight.

'hey, you okay? lets go!' sam urged you quietly to snap out of your thoughts and waved you inside. 

'sorry!' you hastly got inside as he shut the window behind the both of you.

'are you okay? you look..' he cleared his throat, 'are you alright?' he spoke with genuine concern in his voice, though it did nothing for your confidence.

'yeah, yeah im good..' there was a twinge of something in your voice, but sam couldnt tell what it was.

'yeah, i saw them too, dean and the cop.' he laughed lightly. 'it honestly gets so tiring, you know? like, we have a job we need to do, we cant just bone every attractive person we see.' he joked. but you didnt laugh, you just smiled weakly and nodded your head. you felt your stomach churn but you tried to pay no mind to it.

'yeah.. right. right, im going to go look upstairs and see if i can find anything.' he nodded at you and snooped around downstairs as you went up the staircase.

**

after a long and tiring day, you guys finally made it back to a hotel to rest. it was raining again that night, and you really just wanted to get inside and go to sleep. you wanted dean to wrap his arms around you and tell you that it was okay, you just wanted him to feel comfortable around you again. it made you sick that he was avoiding you like this. you didnt even bother trying to talk to the attendant this time, you were just worn out. 

'excuse me, miss? can i help you?' your head turned quickly as you looked to the desk to see the man speaking to you. he smiled at you as he waited for you to speak.

'oh, no no im okay, im just waiting for my friends to bring the bags in. i think the rooms are under their last name so..' you trailed off.

'oh thats okay! what are the rooms under?' you raised your eyebrows at his kind gesture. you got up and stood at the desk. 

'oh, its, uhm its under winchester.' you smiled and tapped your hands on the table and pursed your lips as he fiddled away on the computer.

'hmmm... yup! right here, two rooms, correct?' he looked up to you to gage your reaction. 

'yes! thats us.' you smiled at him with sincerity and exhaled. 'you know.. we stayed at this other hotel the other night.. and this lady wouldnt give me the keys because.. she didnt trust me. like, i guess thats fair, because i sort of did look like i was homeless..' you chuckled to yourself a little, 'but, she was being really rude about it.. so i appreciate your trust in me.' you looked back to his gaze to see him smiling as you spoke.

'oh, yeah haha i wouldnt have ever thought that!' he joked lightheartedly with you as you waited for the boys to find a parking space and grab the luggage. you appreciated his demeanor, he didnt seem to talk down on you at all, and you had thought he was a little bit handsome too. it was nice to not think about dean for once. 

as you guys spoke, dean and sam hustled through the sliding doors with bags hung over their arms.

 'oh! there they are.' you gestured to them. 'i was just talking to..' you looked down at his name tag, 'elliot.. he gave me the keys for the room, so im ready whenever you guys are.' 

deans eyebrows furrowed as he watched you introduce this random man to the two of them. this man was nothing, and he felt.. intimidated? by how comfortable you felt with him already in the few moments of their absence away from you. he smiled as he walked up to elliot and held his hand out.

'dean. dean winchester.' elliot shook his hand and smiled, 'nice to meet you, boss!' dean looked back at you with a confused look on his face. he didnt want to force you into a situation you werent comfortable in, but he felt like you were basically flaunting this man infront of him. he felt his judgement cloud his thoughts for a moment before he spoke.

'so, uh, tryna hit on my lady, pal?' dean spoke fiercly, and you jerked your head to look at him, your eyebrows furrowing, a scoff leaving your lips as he stood there intimidatingly. 

the attendant closed his eyes for a moment before he shook his head confusingly, 'oh! no, ofcourse not.. just.. doing my job..' he trailed off as he looked at you for backup. you were about to speak, but before you could, dean cut you off.

'seems like it,' he smiled as he squinted at the worker, 'you know,' he looked down at you as you stood beside him, feeling smaller and smaller as he continued to speak, 'shes way too good for you,' he wrapped his arm around your shoulder as a way to intimidate the attendant, he just looked at you both awkwardly.

'dean..' you whispered, 'stop please' and you pushed his arm off of you, causing him to look around in an agitated manner before he began speaking again.

'shes uh..' he looked down at you, 'shes a catch aint she, you know..' he paused again before the attendant finally spoke up.

'i have a boyfriend!' he blurted, his face filled with an embarrassed and awkward expression. deans eyebrows raised as he looked at him, speechless. 'so, you can stop.. whatever youre doing and just, go up to your rooms for christs sake.' the attendant looked over at you and squinted a little, furrowing his eyebrows.

'im sorry..' you said quietly as dean patted his hand on your shoulder again and urged you to move away from the desk to go catch with sam as he stood awkwardly in the lobby connecting to the hallway, 'anyway.. thank you sir!' dean said as he walked away.

as you two walked the hallway, you ripped yourself from his grasp and began to walk slowly behind him, 'nice going, asshole.' you said coldly, not looking at him as you spoke. when you caught up with sam, he leaned down to whisper something to you so dean couldnt hear. 

'do you want me to bunk with dean?' sam whispered to you as dean walked ahead, not looking behind to the either of you. 'i know what he just did was shitty.. i dont know why he did it, but he must have some weird reasoning for it. i can handle him tonight if you want a break.'

you looked forward to see dean walking with tension in his posture. you wanted to help him, but you were too angry to think anything kindly about him. you wanted to be angry, but a small part of you felt confusion. why would he say those things infront of elliot? did he like you? was he jealous? you didnt think a jealous bone was in deans body. you didnt think it was possible for him to even feel that emotion. you were just confused, but you felt slightly at ease that he felt that protective over you.

'no, its okay, thank you though.' you looked up at him and smiled as you leaned into his chest. 'i appreciate everything you do for me, sam, really. thank you.' your arm wrapped around his back and he squeezed your arm tightly.

'ofcourse.' he let you go, and then walked ahead towards his room. 'ill see you two in the morning,' he waved and then unlocked his door and then entered.

**

dean had already entered the two of you guys room, so you had to knock.

'hey, can you let me in?' you quietly yelled, but you heard no response. seconds later, you heard him fiddling with the door handle and the door swung open, though he was already walking away from the door as you entered.

'look.. dean..' he avoided eye contact. you could tell that he was ashamed with the way that he acted infront of the desk attendant. 'its okay.. im not mad..' you walked up to him as he faced towards the window, rain streaking down the glass. 'dean...' there was a sense of urgency in your voice. 'can you look at me? please?' 

after hearing your plea, he turned around almost instantly. he didnt say anything, but he was now facing you. 

'i..' you paused. you didnt know how to articulate how you felt. you didnt know if it would be a good idea. you spoke anyway. 'im just confused, okay? i.. i want to..' he looked down to see your eyes well with tears. he didnt want you to feel pain due to his actions. he felt guilty, and he felt confused, too.

he looked up and thought for a moment before he decided that he couldnt take this anymore. he tilted your head up with his fingertips and you stopped speaking almost immediately. you looked into his eyes and you saw the same look that made your knees want to melt into the ground. you were speechless, and before you could even try to speak again, every thought you had paused the second his lips touched yours.

though you were startled by his sudden movements, you didnt object this time. you kissed him back and moaned into his mouth, and he moaned into yours. your heart was racing, you didnt know how this even started, but you didnt want to question it.

you broke away from the kiss and he looked into your eyes with want and lust. you exhaled as you stared at his features for a moment before you leaned back in and wrapped your arms around his shoulders to fully bring him in. his arms moved to your waist as you manouvered his mouth in a way youve done with others, though its never felt this good.

you unintentially pressed his back against the window and his breath hitched from the sudden cold, but he didnt seem very bothered. he was much more focused on you. he kissed you hungrily, the want resurfacing from the previous night where he originally tried to kiss you the first time. you questioned why you even rejected him in the first place. 

his hands fiddled with the hem of your shirt and you made a noise which signaled your approval for him, so he took his lips off of yours to help you lift your shirt over your head. you werent thinking, you didnt even think about how youve essentially never gotten this far before, you just knew that youve wanted this to happen for months, and now that it finally was, your brain was short circuiting. 

he took in the view of your body and broke the silence, 'youre so beautiful,' he said quietly. you looked at him for a moment before you urged him to take off his shirt as well. he happily obliged. 

his mouth found his way to yours once more as he tried to lead you to walk backwards a little. his hands slid their way up and down your waist as you guys moved. as he sat you down on his bed, he snaked his knee between your thighs and slowly layed you down onto the bed, not disturbing the kiss. 

feeling the emotion fully now, you realized his intentions, and you broke away from the kiss quickly. he looked at you, want in his eyes.

'are you okay?' he spoke breathlessly.

'i..' you put your forehead to his, 'ive never..' your breath was heavy, and he felt you shaking as his hand rested on your waist.

he paused, realizing what you meant. he didnt want you to feel embarrassed for being unexperienced compared to his, well, sluttiness. his thumb rubbed circles on your hip as he spoke quietly, 'its okay..' he looked you in the eye and smiled at you, 'i just want to do whatever i can to distract you in this moment. i just want you to be okay' he smiled at you weakly as you leaned in to kiss him, not wanting to say anything more. you were confused by what he meant 'distract' again but your thoughts were too clouded to think clearly in the moment.

as you kissed him, he broke away from your lips and started to lower his attention to your neck. he kissed softly at first, lightly grazing your skin. he continued to feel your heart beat, though he figured you were okay since you hadnt stopped him yet. as you looked up at the ceiling, your grip around his shoulders became tighter as he felt around your thighs and slid his hands under your ass. his kisses became more needy, and you could feel his teeth leaving small marks all over your neck and collerbone. you liked the idea of being his.

as he kissed you, you closed your eyes and rested your head against his shoulder. he touched you everywhere. there wasnt an inch of skin that he wanted to go unnoticed. he wanted you to feel secure, and he wanted you to feel distracted. he felt like he was doing a fine job in doing so. while kissing and marking up your neck, one hand slid between your thighs as his other was wrapped around your neck. 

you were afraid, and you accidently signaled that to him, so he moved his hand quickly and looked into your eyes. 

'wait,' you said, panting. he looked at you, feeling his erection growing. he wanted to satisfy you, but he knew he needed to do it on your terms. 'i.. im' you paused, your thoughts were cloudy. you wanted to continue, but you didnt know how. 'im.. im sorry..' you said breathlessly.

he blinked quickly before realizing you were shutting it down. 'no.. no... its okay..' he watched as you grabbed your shirt quickly and put it back on in a swift motion. 'im sorry...' you looked to his jeans to see his growing excitement, and the pit in your stomach grew. 'dean.. im sorry..' tears began to well in your eyes. 

'no, no.. its okay, im okay i promise' though he wished he couldve continued, he never would have wanted to force you into anything you didnt want to do. he kissed your forehead before standing up slowly, 'im..' he paused, 'im going to take a shower.' you looked up at him and nodded, wrapping your arms around yourself.

as he walked away and shut the door, you looked down to the floor and wanted to curse yourself. you hated yourself. you brought your hand up to your neck to feel the lasting marks that he had left, and you felt traces of his saliva. you wanted to cry. you wanted to continue, you wanted more. the feeling in your stomach was churning, mixed with the sense of dread. as you sat there with your thoughts, you heard the shower turn on.

you wanted to prove to him you werent a prune, that you could be one of the girls that hed consider.. dating. you wanted to be someone that he could rip their clothes off and take them in an instant, in any way he wanted to. you wanted him to want you in that way. as you stood up, you carefully took your top and bralette off leaving them on the bed. sliding your shorts and panties down your thighs, you felt a chill and shivered, feeling excited by the thought of getting in a warm shower. though you were nervous, you were determined to prove yourself to him.

you felt exposed, but you didnt care. as you walked up to the bathroom door, you listened carefully for a moment. you swore you heard him hold back a moan, but you didnt want to make assumptions.

in the shower, dean took himself in his hand and was pumping furiously. he felt like a loser, like a man who couldnt get any action, but he couldnt help it. though he truly didnt want to force you to do anything, he felt extremely unsatisfied, and he needed to release the tension building up in his body. he tried to remain quiet, but the thoughts of you rushing through his head were taking over. 

he never knew that you were a virgin. he had his sneaking suspicion because you never spoke about any bad one night stands youve encountered, though maybe he was the only one who experienced those. he just figured that you saved that type of thing for a special someone, which drew him to another conclusion. 

was he not special enough for you? his hand moved faster in frustration and a groan slipped from his lips. he was hoping that you didnt hear due to the water. hed never considered himself one to care, but hes never been with a virgin before. every woman hes ever been with had, atleast, has had some sort of experience. he found himself wishing that he could be your first. he groaned at the thought of it as he stroked himself almost to the point of release. 

your quivering body underneath his, begging for him to give you the release you desperately deserve. his mouth watered at the image.

as he jerked off, he heard the bathroom door open slightly,

'dean?' you cautiously spoke out. 

'uh- uhm, what? whats up?' he moved his hand away from his dick quickly and he faced the shower wall. he gritted his teeth from the absence of friction against his erection. he wanted to curse you, but he knew you meant well. 

'can i come in?' though he couldnt see you, he heard a hint of something in your voice. he wasnt sure what it was. were you scared because of the weather again? did you just want to be in his comfort once more, did you want him to save you again? 

'uhm, sure,' he said hastily. his eyebrows furrowed as the possibilites were circling in his mind. as he thought, you slowly opened the shower curtain, and he turned around to see you standing nude infront of him. 'i-' he was, for once, speechless. 

'dean..' you said, as you stepped into the shower, trying to avoid looking at his cock as it lay up against his stomach. 'i just..' you looked up into his eyes, watching the water fall down onto his shoulders. 'i wanted to apologize.. im sorry.' you said, your eyes filled with sorrow. 

he looked at you suddenly feeling remorse for every sick thought he had about you in the moment before. 'hey, its okay..' though as he spoke, you slowly lowered yourself to the shower floor and got on your knees, making you face to face with his thighs. you brought your arms up to his thighs and rested them there for a moment as his breath hitched.

'what...' he gulped, 'what are you doing?' you didnt look in his eyes. you didnt know where to look, you just brought your hands to his dick and you lightly grazed him with your fingertips. as you did so, you felt his thighs tense and a loud exhale escaped from his lips. 'im sorry..' you said as your hands rested on his cock. 'is this okay?' 

as you looked up at him, he swore he felt unlike anything hes ever felt before. 'yes.. yes its okay..' he looked down at you carefully, one hand on the edge of the shower, and one hand found its way to the top of your head as he wiped your hair away from your eyes. 'are you..' he gulped, 'are you sure about this?' he said as he looked down at you.

you nodded, and before a moments notice, you took him in your hands and put your mouth over his tip. his grip on the edge of the shower made his knuckles turn white, and the hand on your head wanted to squeeze, but he kept a soft touch as to not force you to do anything. as you lowered your mouth onto him, you heard him make obscene noises above you, which caused the knot in your stomach to worsen. 

feeling your mouth on him felt euphoric. the shower water was hitting his back perfectly and feeling both of your hands and your mouth around him just reminded him how small you were.. or how big he really was. he couldnt tell, nor did he care. he just knew that he wasnt going to last long. your unexperienced movements were a little awkward, but he felt at ease knowing that he was the first person youve ever done this to. he looked down at you and he smoothed your hair down as you moved.

he barely tried to hold back his moans anymore, and he felt them your movements becoming more desperate. the noises he was making made you feel embarrassed, but you felt proud. as you moved your hands up and down, you felt his warmth, and you wanted to remember his veins. you liked feeling him inside of your mouth, and so you tried to take him deeper down your throat.

as you began to throat fuck him, your movements became quicker and more at ease. now that you were going at a comfortable pace and depth, he felt that it would be okay if he guided your movements a little with his hand pressed behind your head. you heard him breathing heavily, a groan and a whimper escaping from his lips every so often. hearing his noises, you moaned against his dick, which sent a multitude of vibrations through his body, one of them which sent him over the edge. 

you felt him pulsing, and he spoke quickly, 'shit, fuck, i..' you lifted your mouth off of his dick and he groaned loudly at the absence of your touch, though he quickly took himself in his hand once more and he pumped his dick above your head. you were mesmerized by the sight, and you suddenly became jealous of every other girl that got to see him in this way before you. 

as he jerked himself off with desperation, his mouth became slightly ajar and his eyes rolled back as he groaned loudly 'i- im, fuck, i,' pumping himself quickly, white ropes expelled from his tip and emptied out onto your chest and face. he blabbered for a few seconds as he continued to stroke himself through his high, and he let out one final groan of satisfaction. you looked down to your chest to see his now watered down cum being washed away into the drain, and you ran your hand through the valley of your breasts, feeling the wetness on your chest. you wished you couldve kept this image in your mind forever.

you felt like it was a fever dream, you didnt know what to do next, so you stood up and looked down to see his dick softening quickly. 'i.. um, anyway, i just wanted to apologize.' then you swiftly stepped out of the shower and left the bathroom with a towel before he could even respond. he wouldnt have anyway, he was too out of breath.

authors note: THIS IS MY FIRST FIC !!! please give feedback + let me know if you liked it!! i appreciate anyone who reads <3 i dont know how often ill be posting as im a realllyyy slow writer, however im open to requests/anything really!

thank you @thesilmarillionblog for inspiring me to post <3

[thetisming]

amatonormativity: a romantic partner should be the most important person in EVERYONE'S life

NOT amatonormativity: MY romantic partner is the most important person in MY life, but i understand this is not the same for other people

allosexnormativity: EVERYONE should have sex and sex is something EVERYONE needs/wants/should want

NOT allosexnormativity: I PERSONALLY enjoy sex and love having sex because it makes ME feel good, but other people dont feel the same and that's okay

platonormativity: having friends is important for EVERYONE and EVERYONE needs/has/should have friends

NOT platonormativity: having friends is important to ME and I PERSONALLY love having friends, but there are people who dont and theres nothing wrong with that

faminormativity (is that the word?): family is important for EVERYONE and EVERYONE needs to have their family

NOT faminormativity: family is important to ME and I PERSONALLY need my family with me, but other people dont feel the same and i understand that

lovenormativity (again, not sure if this is a word): EVERYBODY feels love and there's something wrong wiith you if you dont

NOT lovenormativity: I PERSONALLY feel love and love people, but not everyone does and that's completely okay!

NOT amatonormativity: i dont have friends/have any desire to have friends, i am happy with other relationships/no relationships at all

NOT platonormativity: i dont have any desire to be in a romantic relationships, and i am happy with my platonic relationships

NOT allosexnormativity: i like hooking up with people and having one night stands or friends with benefits

NOT faminormativity: i care about my family deeply and am close with family members

NOT lovenormativity: i feel love for people i care about

it's not normative to personally enjoy something, so long as you respect that other people simply arent like you and aren't going to like the same things as you. taking down normativity is a two way street, allos and aspecs need to do it. support your local aros, aces, apls, afams and other aspecs today! remember to challange all normativities, and to not enforce other normativity by saying how bullshit other normativities are!

nothing is universal. romance is not universal. sex is not universal. friendship is not universal. family is not universal. love is not universal. nothing is universal.

[ganondoodle]

correct me if im wrong but im PRETTY sure that for something to be a proper sequel it needs more than literally just reusing the same world and character models and slightly altering their design or adding an ability (that they got somwhere in between which isnt shown nor elaborated on either while previous abilities or interests/knowledge vanish)

made the mistake of saying that really totk isnt a sequel bc it doesnt build on, nor expand nor elaborate nor continue anything from botw, its the same preset of basic things like ... world and character models and tells an entirely different story utterly disconnected from anything botw, which it not only acts like it never happened (aside from like one dialog which is not enough for me when everyone else has literally forgotten everything and tbh feels more like a reference thats actually a slap and laugh in your face) but often times actively contradicts it, like a different version of the same thing

which is called an alternative universe

half of the reasons why i despise totk is bc i wanted, expected and was TOLD its a sequel when it isnt, can you really blame me for being disappointed and frustrated when i was told its a sequel, which should build on established stuff, to a game and its lore i deeply cared about and then get an alternative universe game that has nothing to do with the one i cared about except wear its face and STILL get told its a sequel even just by simply reusing models

[fujii-draws]

OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

[3-aem]

i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.

so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.

never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?

nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.

i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.

my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.

[lemongogo]

why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

[autisticlee]

can there be a service for autistic people (maybe even other disabilities too) that's kind of like an aide or helper or assistant, but more of a casual friendly type thing? basically people volunteer to be paired with autistic people who don't have friends and struggle to make them and their job is to be our friend as in go places with us, play games, chat, etc. whatever friends do. but they are contractually obligated to stick with it and not hurt or abandon us, but work with us. maybe invite us to hang out with their friends. we can try different people to see who we best fit with. then maybe that person sticks with one of us and not multiple so they dont play favorites and neglect us or get overwhelmed or something.

it's a volunteer job and they don't get paid because all they're doing is being a friend and doing normal things that doesn't deserve pay lol. why should you get paid to pretend to be someone's friend? do it because you want to support someone who needs you, nit because you think it will be an easy job to make money. and friendship isn't a job. that weeds out people only doing it for money and not trying very hard or quitting when they think it's too hard and abandoning the person they were paired with. and that way it's a free service for us since most of us are poor. but they probably need to get some education as well, and we go over our own specific needs and expectations so they know what we need and expect from them, how to work with us, and what they should expect from us. they could work with counselors so if there are any problems they can't handle and are worried about us, we can get a check in or something. but generally, this would be good for very social and friendly people who like to help others and are open minded, accepting, and kindhearted. (which is getting increasingly hard to find in my experience...)

it would be hard to find the right people, but that's why it's good to have meetups and try to find the right match. because sometimes I think that, even if I dont relate to the neurotypical/allistic/abled people, it might be helpful to have someone who can navigate the social situations for me and let me just follow along and be included in things. someone I can ask to go to a convention with me and they can be my voice and keep me company and lead me, while having fun themselves. or someone who invites me to a party with their friends and let's me mostly ait in their room with their cat, but occasionally step out to listen to their conversation and laugh with them. I can absorb their fun energy and have more fun, feel included, but have the space i need, because they are willing to work with me, support me, and acccept me, my needs, and my boundaries.

other autistic or in general ND and disabled people are cool and all, but when they also struggle like I do, we end up not talking to each other becasue we don't know how or cant. we often don't get along because differences that get in the way ("im autistic and I can do that why don't you just do it too" -a real life example that I experienced) or we cant meet each other's needs or struggle with boundary issues. maybe we both need help and can't help each other. or if the other does help it burns them out so fast they are miserable (like my one friend who always has to speak for me and then shes burnt out for months after and cant even talk to me over text....we used to be so close. now we barely talk 🥲). or they don't want to do the things I want to do, like going out somewhere, and rather watch TV all day when I hate doing that.

it would be nice to have someone to consistently rely on to help me out with doing "normal" things no one else will do with me because i'm too autistic for them, or they are too disabled to deal with me. I know people aren't obligated to be my friend or do things with me. so that's why a "job" for this would be great, so someone IS more obligated to do it. because i'm so incredibly lonely and exhausted and losing my mind over having not a single person to turn to or rely on 🥲

does that make sense?????

[foxsartdump]

the moment i type tottmnt instead or rottmnt is gonna be my downfall (gay and too lazy to correct)

(mini-rant in tags if youre curious </3)

[get-more-bald]

the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person

[jrueships]

ill be having such a good time then Boom, someone says something

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[runningatypufullspeed]

WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE MY FUGLY UGLY ASS ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE X FAHRENHEIT 451 CROSSOVER DRAWING THAT I WAS FORCED TO DO FOR SCHOOL….. ITS SO UGLY AND MONTAG IS

WHITE.

AND THE HOUNDS ARE DISGUSTING THE COLORING IS SO SHITTY AND MILDRED …. Well ok she looks alright kindof but the COLORING ….. SKETCH WAS BETTER but do you guys. Do you still want to see it…….,,,,,,

ALSO NO OFFENSE TO WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE I LOVE YOU GUYS 🫶😁👍 within reason

[toytulini]

god I know this is like The Wrong Stance on AI. I know its not about whether the art is Real and Human or If It Has A Soul and how a lot of the arguments against it are the same bullshit arguments people made against digital art like I Know. I Knowwww. but god, I'm really sorry, not to post like one of those annoying poetry bloggers I cant stand (yall are valid, live your truth, theres nothing wrong with what you post I'm just a petty bitch who hates poetry. unless I dont hate it.)

But theres just something about the way AI art will almost certainly never be able to mimic the exact way my pencil leaves an indentation in the paper, the way some of the lines I can never fully erase cause I pressed too hard, theyll have to at least train them to draw with a physical pencil first, and sure, they could train it to draw with a pencil and even erase the exact same piece I drew, line for line, on a piece of paper with a robot arm powered by AI, but they can't replicate. idk. the lineage of lefty bitches in my family, and the way I grew up going through school with my entire left arm silver with graphite, from doodling on my schoolwork. not yet anyway. but I guess I do live for the day we make the ai sentient enough that we can traumatize it by giving it homework after kneecapping its executive functions so it copes by drawing a big tiddy lobster monster. sure

[martyrbat]

when people who have ‘i block liberally’ in their bios learn they actually have to block people & cultivate their own dash:

[tiredflowercrown]

.

[binary5tar1117]

...