#you guys dont understand ive been ranting about it to my irls for the past week sm

[foxsartdump]

the moment i type tottmnt instead or rottmnt is gonna be my downfall (gay and too lazy to correct)

(mini-rant in tags if youre curious </3)

[saint-bia]

Ok so lets unpack this obviously im NOT saying that bisexuality is some made up label used by cowardly sapphics. It just happens that in MY case i AM a cowardly sapphic.

Unchecked rant about sapphism below!!!!

Still not sure if im only attracted to girls because i honestly feel like i could be in a romantic relationship with anyone who ISNT a cis guy. I have liked multiple boys in my past, but even then when i’d sit down and consider it i know that the chance of me being comfortable dating a cis guy is sosososo low; mostly due to my own trauma, but it also feels like theres something missing, like the chemistry simply isnt there.

The way that i’d put it is i guess im attracted to a sort of innate femininity. Not like how someone dresses or whatever, but just the fact the person has gone through girlhood and understands it. Like even if they dont identify as a girl, being AFAB still means they’d have gone through what it means to be perceived as and live in society as a “girl”, and that makes me feel so comforted and seen. (I think i could very easily sound uninformed with this paragraph but PLEASE know that i love and support trans & nonbinary people PLEASE)

I also feel like ive been hiding behind bisexuality because, obviously: being lgbtq+ makes you weird in the eyes of everyone who is not. Sometimes, especially when i was younger, it felt like i would someday have to sacrifice my reputation to express who i am. I’m very lucky and so so grateful that i have mostly supportive people in my irl circle, but theres always gonna be a disconnect because most of them are cishet. Yknow what i mean? Just an automatic trait that makes me fundamentally different from other people and theres NOTHING i hate more than the feeling of being different, because ive BEEN different all my life.

[escapinglight]

Allllrighty, before I go to sleep, I need to get some anger and pain off of my chest. This past year one of my irl friends has been ranting to me and another irl friend about how horrible her life is and how much she hates it. Granted all the reasons shes given are understandable and I feel for her. However, this friend also complains a lot about how she doesn’t care about her other irl friends problems and that she doesn’t have the time or patience for them.

One of the problems being “they’re both skinny and beautiful so they dont have a right to feel insecure about their bodies cuz Im fat and they never had to deal with the pain Ive dealt with” while the latter is true that does not mean theyre both not gonna have problems anyway.

Ive also learned that this irl friend also talks about me behind my back to our shared irl friend.

How Im too liberal, loud, annoying, and Im mostly annoying because I complain about being lonely a lot when neither of them are around and how Im skinny and why dont I just date? Basically saying I could have anybody I want cuz Im skinny.

And you know, shes probably right, if I actually went and tried I could probably have anybody I want cuz I can be really pretty and have been told Im a wonderful person to be around.

However

This isnt going to happen anytime soon.

Now I know that I could never equate my body issues to a fat person body issues. i know that the world doesnt automatically label me as ugly cuz I am not fat. I know I have a stereotypical beautiful skinny body.

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE THE FIRST 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

I was constantly made fun of and bullied, mostly by guys, because I did not fit the mold mentally and didnt dress the way the other kids did.

NEVER ONCE did I have someone express interest in me romantically or in a healthy way because to everybody I was a freak for the things I enjoyed.

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ACT OPENLY ATTRACTED TO ME ARE FUCKING STALKERS OR PEOPLE WHO JUST WANNA FUCK ME.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE I TRUST PEOPLE TO LET THEM IN LIKE THAT AFTER 18+ YEARS OF EXPERIENCING THIS?!?

HELL NO AM I GONNA LET ANYONE NEAR ME LIKE THAT cuz the first thing that comes to my mind is that they have ulterior motives. The ONLY thing I can think is that

“That cute person who looked at you and smiled only did that cuz youre a freak”

“This guy is only bein nice cuz he wants to get in your pants”

“These people who say they love you and want to support you only keep you around so they can get dirt on you, spread rumors, and laugh about you behind your back”

YES I AM NOT FAT YES I WILL NOT EVER EXPERIENCE THE ATROCITIES THAT FAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

Yes I am still going to be fucking insecure because I was mistreated for the developing years of my life by my peers anyway.

This is why I dont talk to her about any of my problems cuz I know shes just gonna complain about me behind my back.

Im getting tired and if I hear shes been talking about me again instead of actually confronting me about it I will end this friendship and she will cry and complain but I ust wont care anymore