#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[junker-town]

THE TOP WHATEVER: Georgia will destroy you without even reaching the 2nd page in the playbook

Ranking only the college football teams that absolutely must be ranked at this time.

AS ALWAYS, WE BEGIN WITH UNDEFEATED TEAMS THAT ACTUALLY PLAYED FOOTBALL THIS WEEKEND.

1. Georgia.

The best way to show the size of the giant asskicking pile the Georgia Bulldogs amassed in a 42-7 win over Florida: start with one small point. Jake Fromm, Georgia’s redshirt freshman quarterback, threw seven passes, not in one quarter, not in a half, but for the entire length of one regulation football game against a conference opponent and hated rival.

Unless you are Navy or another triple option team, let me tell you what throwing seven times in a 42-7 win means. It means one team beat the other team’s ass so badly, they didn’t even have to get up off the couch to do it. It means Georgia saw Florida getting Georgia’s last beer out of the fridge, and without really waking up, winged the remote control all the way across the house and into Florida’s temple. The remote control came flying back like the hammer of Thor, of course.

Note: This is the only superpower I can see any Georgia fan really wanting that doesn’t involve golf.

This meant that without even looking at the rest of the box score or watching the game, the Bulldogs probably ran the ball at will. (They did, for 292 yards and 4 TDs.)

It meant that at no point did the Georgia defense allow the Gators’ offense to change the pace. (They did not. Florida’s putrid offense flailed so badly that it might have contributed significantly to firing Florida’s head coach.)

I don’t think it’s just because they play in the burnt-out shell of what used to be the SEC East and are the last unvandalized mansion on the block. Georgia is 8-0 because it’s ridiculously disciplined, well-coached, and unlike a thousand other teams in the country, build around its ingredients.

The Bulldogs have two outstanding running backs and a young QB. Guess what they do? They run the ball with those two backs, block well, and don’t ask Fromm to do too much yet. The Georgia defense? Y’all, just watch how they read and react, and see what simple, systematic teaching can do to free up defenders to make plays without getting too deep in their own heads.

They’re smart. That’s a word the entire state of Georgia has a problematic relationship with, but the truth is that this isn’t UGA’s full potential. This is an intelligent, managed team playing clean, brutal football.

P.S. I don’t even think this team is much more talented than a lot of the teams they face yet. The bulk of what Georgia could be is still in the mail, growing in the weight room in the form of incoming recruiting classes and underclassmen. Doubt this, and ask yourself why Florida tossed Jim McElwain on the curb, free to a good home, and why Tennessee is going to rehome Butch Jones any day now. This is good, but there is much more coming, and everyone in the SEC East knows it.

2. Iowa State Wario.

Iowa State has two losses, so by the standards of the Top Whatever, they can’t make the undefeated rankings. But you know who can? IOWA STATE WARIO.

Photo by David Purdy/Getty Images

THEY’RE A-GONNA WIN

So much came together here:

the extremely smart hiring of Matt Campbell from Toledo

an historic upset of TCU in Ames, the second time an undefeated team has tussled with the Clones and come away bloodied

the decision made by this fan to not only dress up as the finest Nintendo character ever for Halloween,

but the EXCELLENT decision to wear that costume to the game and then onto the field in celebration

and the photographer, David Purdy, realizing the greatness of this moment.

3. Miami.

Tighter win than expected in a 24-19 victory over UNC, but remember: Miami is the kind of team where every game sort of comes out to 24-19, no matter the opponent.

The things to be concerned about remain the things to feel good about. The Hurricanes can’t run the ball, so they have to rely on QB Malik Rosier for production. Rosier put up 350 yards and two TDs in a win, so it continues to be a strength.

The Miami defense gave up 27 first downs to North Carolina, continuing a streak of allowing opposing offenses to move the chains on the Canes. On the other hand, the Miami defense forced four turnovers and is riding a serious streak of turnover luck, soooo ...

Here we are, pointing out that Miami seems to be 2017’s Lucky But Also Good Team, and that’s fine. Miami’s 7-0 and winning where it counts: on the scoreboard and in the standings. The Canes are not just good enough to make opposing coaches mad, but make them mad at the otherwise completely inoffensive Mark Richt.

Hmmmm... Guessing Mark Richt and Larry Fedora won't be sharing the holidays together.. #UNC #Miami http://pic.twitter.com/98YEaKvOpM

— Dave Ross (@drosssports) October 28, 2017

P.S. I hope Richt told Larry Fedora to “stay blessed.” That would be 10 times more infuriating than any profanity he could have thrown back at him.

4. Wisconsin.

24-10 over poor, poor Illinois. Warning: The footage below may be too erotic for some readers.

BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN‼️ @MichaelDeiter! #OnWisconsin http://pic.twitter.com/3ceKTVdsv3

— Wisconsin Football (@BadgerFootball) October 28, 2017

You: Wisconsin’s schedule is weak, and they’re not overly impressive

Me: 8-0, and an offensive lineman reminded the world what real joy is. Also, no one has to worry about justifying a thing with Wisconsin. They win in the Big Ten Championship Game and they’re in; they lose, and they’re out, via some pretty comfortable justifications regarding that strength of schedule.

Also, why are you bringing up stuff they can’t control, and not appreciating the fine, fat-dude thuggery of this team’s excellence? All Wisconsin wants to do is drop that ass on other teams’ heads for four hours. Let them revel in their plodding greatness before tangling them up with the Ohio States of the world.

5. UCF.

Beat FCS Austin Peay, 73-33. It’s a cupcake game, but thankfully someone still believes in testing to see whether all the numbers work on the scoreboard. UCF is now the only undefeated non-power team after USF lost to Houston. If the Knights win out, they’ll be that team looking to blindside someone in a New Year’s Day bowl.

DID NOT PLAY THIS WEEK BUT IS PROBABLY THE REAL NUMBER ONE. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT I DO NOT RANK TEAMS THAT DID NOT PLAY, ALABAMA FANS WHO WILL EMAIL ANYWAY

Alabama. Probably the best team in the nation, but also definitely on a bye. Nick Saban definitely spent it horsewhipping his staff into watching 70 hours of footage of LSU’s jet sweeps.

ONE-LOSS TEAMS TO CONSIDER FOR PLAYOFF-TYPE THINGS

Notre Dame. Disassembled NC State, 35-14.

This is a safe space. Admit how fun it is to watch Notre Dame lean on teams until they collapse. Talk about how satisfying it can be to watch Josh Adams run the ball. Okay, don’t talk about that one too much, because Irish fans will flood your mentions about how you’re not respecting Adams enough, even though you’re talking about how good he is? (I don’t know, the Yankees are out of baseball’s postseason, and Duke basketball has started yet, and they’re bored or something.)

It’s not aerial circus pretty. But beauty takes a lot of forms, reader, and it’s important to appreciate them all.

Blocking is fun too .. http://pic.twitter.com/QOy9j4rRWa

— Chase Claypool (@ChaseClaypool) October 30, 2017

That’s mean and admirable, but the real story is the Irish defense. They held NC State to a piddling 50 yards on the ground and harassed talented Wolfpack QB Ryan Finley into irrelevance for much of the game.

For those just remembering that they are Notre Dame fans: Talk about the underrated defense, and hold off on buying that Warriors jersey for a few weeks, and you’ll continue to pass as a Real Human Sports Fan for a bit longer.

Oklahoma. Beat Texas Tech, 49-27. Hopes Iowa State beats everyone for the rest of the regular season, frankly, and doesn’t care who knows it.

Ohio State. Handed Penn State its first loss in a 39-38 thriller. J.T. Barrett went 13-for-13 in the fourth quarter for 170 yards and three TDs and was evidently the best passer in the history of college football for a while. I can’t say for sure that Barrett in that game wasn’t the greatest quarterback to ever play football, and neither can you.

Clemson. 24-10 over Georgia Tech. Hey, QB Kelly Bryant seems to be moving just fine, and that’s nothing but good news for the Tigers’ prospects as they get back into the ACC and Playoff race.

Oklahoma State. Winners, 50-39, over West Virginia, and with Bedlam coming up this week, have a lot in their control re: further ambitions.

Washington. Ran the ball a whopping 58 times against UCLA in a 44-23 win because ... because they could? Yes, because they could. See all comments about Georgia above for what that means about a team in a non-triple option context.

Virginia Tech. If they want to startle some people after a workmanlike, 24-3 win over Duke, beating an undefeated Miami and taking control of the ACC Coastal this coming week would be the way to do that.

TEAMS THAT LOST THEIR FIRST GAME THIS WEEK. PUT IT ON THE TRAILER, TAKE IT TO THE GARAGE, AND COME BACK NEXT WEEK

TCU. A 14-7 loss to Iowa State in Ames is a way more respectable way to fall off the wagon than it used to be, TCU. Take some consolation in that, and the rest of your schedule, which should keep you in contention for all kinds of things.

USF. Don’t watch how USF lost this game 28-24 to Houston. Just know that the Bulls gave up a fourth-and-24 pass for a first down on the final drive, then watched Houston QB D’Eriq King run 20 yards untouched for the winning TD. BAD. IT WAS VERY BAD FOR EVERYONE BUT HOUSTON TO WATCH. LIKE A CAR CRASH YOU SAW COMING BUT COULD NOT SCREAM TO WARN ANYONE ABOUT.

Penn State. Not their fault they lost 39-38; played best college football quarterback ever of the week.