#i imagine he was tortured and killed by some asshole kids Tumblr posts

[birdsong-warriors]

Bird and Zee Advent Calender

Day 7: Reindeer (TAKEN)

[raguonmynieceandnephew]

"It's so unfair to the Rat Grinders that they are killed instantly and the Bad Kids get to roll death saves." SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUP

THIS IS LONG, AND HONESTLY FOR MYSELF, SO YEAH READ IF YOU WANT

I swear to god, this discourse is going to fucking be the end of me. Idk what kind of mind boggling spell Brennan Lee Mulligan wove into the fabric of the universe that spread through the data center of Dropout in order to absolutely hijack y'all's brains when it comes to Cocklord Assgape and her ragtag of character foils but whatever it was has made you Rat Grinder stans INSUFFERABLE in this site.

The levels of treating fictional characters as if they were real people have reached a level I honestly have never anticipated, to the point of y'all actually being mad AT THE CAST for "mistreating" them and ACTUALLY QUESTION BRENNAN'S CAPACITY TO DM. Do you not get how fucking insane that is?

We can't make fun of Copperkettle, one of the most pathetic, petty and incompetent villains in D20 history anymore (even though she is masterfully written and developed to generate this reaction from us) anymore because it's bullying apparently. I saw an account flip the fuck out because someone compared her rivalry with Kristen to Drake and Kendrick's beef. KIPPERLILY IS NOT A REAL GIRL. SHE IS A MAKE BELIEVE CHARACTER IN AN IMPROV SHOW SPAWNED FROM THE BRAIN OF A 36 YEAR OLD MAN

And then what truly pissed me off the MOST about this whole hell is the fact that, being chronically online avid consumers of this goddamn show, I would think you would have but a grasp of the main cast of characters' characterization.

Why the uproar about Riz saying they should chop Oisin's head off? The same Riz who tortured that pixie from Freshman year by shooting off their finger one by one? The same Riz who murked a disarmed and unconscious Coach Daybreak without battin an eye? The same Riz who ATE THE CORPSE OF KALVAXUS?

And the whole Fabian vs Ivy debacle MY GOD, THE GIRL WAS RACIST TO HIS GIRLFRIEND AND USED HER LAST BREATH TO CALL MAZEY "OBJECTIVELY UGLY". And the funniest thing is that is not even the most unhinged shit he has ever said.

And finally, Death Save Gate: THE RAT GRINDERS ARE NOT PLAYER CHARACTERS. THEY ARE NPCS! THE RULES FOR EACH WORK DIFFERENTLY, ESPECIALLY THEM BEING BOSS ENCOUNTERS. Imagine having to still hit Ivy or Oisin 2 more times to kill them when there is 14 foot tall Porter throwing legendary actions left and right, with Jace, and other 3 spell casters + Mary Ann and KLCK up and running. It's called balancing the fucking game. Also, game masters are entitled to break, mold and make up any rules they want if they find necessary in order to service themselves and their players. IF YOU PLAY WITH ALL THESE RULES AS THEY COME, GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR TABLE. THIS IS NOT YOUR TABLE.

Not only is Brennan DMing for his CLOSEST FRIENDS EVER, he is also shooting and producing an ENTIRE TV SHOW. So yeah, i think he knows wtf he is doing.

"But the Ratgrinders had no real development": True. But it wasn't for lack of trying from the players. Everytime they tried to know more, the dice didn't let them, so they decided to focus on the mystery. It simply do be like that sometimes.

"But they are just kids!": And so were Penelope, Dayne, Ragh, Zayn, the Bloodrush Players, Aelwyn and Biz. Why wasn't it a problem then? Because most of them were evil to some extent and were about to bring the fucking apocalypse to the world? Yeah, sounds familiar right? And the ones who were manipulated or had any sort of redemption worked their way into earning it, right? Yeah.

In conclusion, I fucking love the Rat Grinders, I truly do, and not unlike 90% of this website, i'm still holding on to hope that they have any sort of development and redemption in the last episode, because I agree, they ARE children and they WERE manipulated by Porter and Jace, but like, can we also agree that they are fucking assholes and had it fucking coming? Also, the BKs are children too y'know. SO STOP BEING FUCKING ANNOYING.

[milkywaydrabbles]

anything nsfw (or sfw idm) with mikey and a taller reader? or any other tr boys? no sub!reader please

A/N: I hope this is what you were looking for! I did both SFW and NSFW it was v fun. However if you'd like a m!reader or gn!/reader please let me know! I'll also do it for any other requested TR boy ty mwuah

Mikey x Tall!Reader

Lord the way Mikey would have had her head if they didn’t grow up together. She was always a cocky little shit on being taller than him--and seeing eye to eye with Draken. She’d been friends with him, Shinichiro and Emma your whole life. She used to be so small and shy and cute--what happened?

It felt like from one day to the next she grew in her own skin, having an awkward growth spurt as a teen and looking like a newborn giraffe learning how to walk for the first time. Always nervous to talk to boys and girls--the boys would look at her like some kind of freak, and the girls would simply make fun of her for her height. ‘How will you ever get a boyfriend if you’re so tall?’

Mikey was always there for her afterwards, make sure she knew that he still liked her a lot even if she was taller than him.

And then the years passed, and Mikey changed, and she changed too. Except now, Mikey was the leader of Bonten, one of the most dangerous gangs in the country and she was, well, a new executive climbing the ranks. No longer the shy, scared little girl, she was just as ruthless as the rest of them.

And all the while, by Mikey’s side no matter what. She was cocky, but respectful in front of the rest of them. Honestly the rest of the execs just thought you were a childhood friend and nothing more--much like Sanzu.

But what they didn’t know was that she’d joke and prod at Mikey behind closed doors. He was a ruthless leader, but with her he’d turn back into a kid, scowling at the way she’d hold things over his head (literally!). 

“I can fire you.” He’d start. “I can fucking kill you. You know that right?” throwing daggers her way when he scowls, arms crossed. She’d simply snort and say “You could. But then you’d be bored when you’re alone wouldn’t you?” She’s right.

Imagine the shock of the rest of the execs when Mikey ‘accidentally’ drops the ball during an interrogation mission. Rats were found smuggling drugs out from underneath them to make a quick buck and Mikey was personally there, front and center to get info. Of course, he wasn’t the one doing the torture, he’s too good for that. She stood behind him with a stone cold face, that could bring most of the men in the room to their knees. But the assholes who were caught kept egging her on like she couldn’t hold her own. Like a woman shouldn’t be in the ranks at all.

“You’ll do well to not insult my girl like that.” It didn’t go unnoticed, Sanzu and Rindou glancing at each other for a moment but thinking nothing of it--you were an executive, he could just be talking like you were his in the same way the rest of the execs were under his command. 

They kept sneering, until they realized she was the one doing the torture and not the usual suspect of Sanzu. It was gruesome and honestly one of the worst cases of torture they’d seen, but all the information was extracted. Which means she turned into their executioner, pulling a glock out from its holster underneath your shirt and putting a bullet between their eyes. The silence was deafening, only Mikey laughing to himself and raising her hand to his lips with a quiet ‘that’s my girl’ and a kiss to the back of her hand.

The next meeting the execs had (that Mikey wasn’t a part of) turned into a madhouse.

NSFW: 

Mikey was always one to want to stay in control, but he had his work cut out with her. She was so good at keeping him underneath her, practically whimpering at the way she would tease his cock with her fingers, with her mouth, with her pussy. 

“You’re such a good boy, Mikey.” She’d coo, fingers slowly wrapping around his erection and pumping at a snail’s pace; teasing. “Coming home to me after such a busy day.” She leaned down and gave the head of his dick a kiss, holding his hips down so he can’t buck them up into her face. “Are you going to let me take care of you, baby boy?” He nodded, breath shaky as he exhaled, “Y-yes, please.”

She used her height to her advantage, push up bras and plunging necklines her best friend to tease him even in the office. She just had to lean only a little bit, pretending to lean down and read whatever it was he had in his hands before Mikey was panting like a dog begging her to let him fuck.

She’d sit down on his desk, short skirt and pumps that made her legs look even longer, spreading her legs ever so slightly so he could see the pretty lacy panties she’d been wearing. Mikey would get on his knees ready to eat that pretty pussy, only for her heel pressed against his chest to stop him (and he was still so far away, fucking long legs). You know that one scene of Wolf of Wall Street? Very much that.

Whenever  they fuck she’s very much on top, bouncing on his lap for her pleasure only. And if he cums before she’s ready to stop? Well Mikey better get used to overstimulation quickly, she’s not done yet.

[spacebarbarianweird]

Dhampirs of Faerun

We had a discussion about dhampirs with @marcynomercy on Discord recently.

Dhampirs are known to be secretive. They know how to blend with mortals and not to attract the attention of either regular people or vampires. But if you release spawns into the Underdark, dhampirs will be much more common in the decades to come. Much more common than they have ever been.

Now imagine this paranormal comedy fuel.

Masterlist

Headcanons

A group of adventurers gathers in a tavern, tasked with killing a shady villain.

They've never met before, each harboring secrets they don't want to share.

Seven members compose the team.

Berserk - Human

Tiefling Bard who fucks everything that moves and if it doesn't move he moves it and fucks.

A Dwarf Paladin.

A silver-curled Elven maiden skilled with daggers.

A Half-Orc ranger who looks at the sun with awe of someone who has never seen the light.

A Half-Elf Rogue.

And an autistic wizard kid they've picked up for fun.

They carefully plan their tactics and embark on the adventure.

For a month, they travel through the wilderness, bonding and befriending each other.

They learn to trust each other and share some secrets.

There's even a love couple whose relationship will probably last longer than this adventure.

They fight the villain, restrain him, and drag him to their camp.

At night, the villain tries to talk to the wizard kid.

"Kiddo, listen, we have much more in common than you think. Have you ever felt the bloodlust? Have you heard the night singing for you?"

The wizard kid feels uneasy; no one must know his secret.

In the meantime, the Rogue decides to look around the camp for potential threats. The Berserk follows him, looking drunk.

"FUCK!"

A loud yell from the woods awakens everyone in the camp.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" the Rogue tries to stop blood leaking from his arm. "Are you a fucking Dhampir?!"

"And what the fuck is wrong with your blood?!" bellows the Berserk. "Wait... you too?!"

The group of seven young adventurers steps around the restrained villain, looking at each other with shock and surprise.

"So," the Bard finally composes himself. "We are all Dhampirs, aren't we?"

The whole group stays silent, realizing they've been succeeding in Stealth checks for the entire month but failing the Perception one.

"Wait, I don't understand," says the Paladin. "The Ranger and the Rogue are dating, and I can't sleep the entire night because, please, learn the Silence spell! The Bard has fucked at least three of us! How come no one noticed anything?!"

"Well, I was busy looking at other things," the Bard shrugs.

"Oh, I knew something was off with all of you. I just wanted to see how long you can pretend!" says the Elven maiden, playing with her dagger.

Astarion's daughter is blatantly lying. She is just embarrassed with the fact she has traveled with a group of her own kind and never guessed that.

"Soo," the Berserk says. "What are we going to do with our prisoner?"

"I am one of you! Let me go! There must be some dhampir solidarity among us!"

"No," the Ranger snaps back. "There is a rule in the Underdark. If a vampire kills a sentient being, they are executed because murders attract monster hunters. If we let this asshole go, he will keep ruining Dhampir reputation, and we will suffer, too!"

"Wait, you grew up in this Vampire Spawn City dad told me about?" asks the Elf.

"Yeah, I did."

"My sincere condolences."

The next night is spent in conversations and discussions.

In the morning, they all return to the city to get their reward for catching the bad guy.

They gather in the tavern once again, discussing what to do next when the Elf girl suddenly sticks a dagger into the table with a piece of paper on it.

"There is a vampire lord on the loose, kidnapping and torturing people. Let's kill him for profit!"

--

Tag List

@tragedybunny @caitlincat-95 @tallymonster @astarionsbeloved @lumienyx @fayeriess @elora-the-slutty-songstress @veillsar @astarion-imagine-archive @micropoe10 @starlight-ipomoea @herstxrgirl @theearthsfinalconfession @ashrio20 @not-so-lost-after-all @vixstarria @wintersire @marcynomercy @tugoslovenka

[that-darn-clown]

another ask before church, let's go:

so these are just some general thoughts on my beloved Charlie Emily in the Rewrite.

both of the twins are just like their dad, but in different ways.

Sammy is more quiet and aloof, but he can be a silly guy when he wants to. like Charlie and his father, he's interested in robotics and Maybe taking over the business someday. he's not good with emotions (his own and everyone else's), and he wants William dead (although he's certainly more...impulsive than Henry).

Charlie is calm, generally viewed as the one people go to for comfort (whether she's exactly prepared to or able to is another question entirely), as well as a guiding, leading figure. she's got a temper like her dad, though. if she's pissed, she retorts first and asks questions later.

as Henry says, it's in her nature to protect the innocent. she lifts people into her arms, and yet very few do the same for her.

like, i love the fanon thing of Charlie being pretty competent in her role as Soul Protector for the other children, but. i've always found the idea of Charlie just barely knowing what the fuck to do even funnier.

like, this kid just got murdered. she now has five more, potentially much younger kids that are also confused. okay, now it's six because Cassidy. like. sure, she'll help the best she can but That Doesn't Mean She Knows What She's Doing.

i like to imagine it's stuff like this:

"Okay, can we be a bit less murdery? Y'all can chill the fuck out-"

"Jesus fucking- Okay Gabi. Uncle Will's being a dumbass and murdering kids again, so we've gotta stop him from doing that, okay? Yeah I know, I know, you're tired, but I ain't doing this by myself and you're the only one up right now. No I'm not asking Cassidy for help with this-" (Charlie immediately pre-SAVE THEM)

"NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE: I'VE BEEN PROTECTING PEOPLE FROM YOUR BULLSHIT THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME!" (< talking to William post-SAVE THEM)

"Cassidy, I love you like a younger brother, you know that. Stop fucking murdering the nightguards, you're gonna get us in trouble and shut down again."

"Cassidy, I'm gonna turn around, and you better not be about to show me Alex's dead body- Why do I even fucking try at this point."

"Uncle Will, this is why you should've quit your bullshit. Because now you're dead and stuck inside your fursuit for the rest of time. Why are you treating that like a good thing the fuck-" (< not upset about the furry part. it's quite literally everything else that's fucked up to her)

"STOP TRYING TO KILL MY BROTHER, ASSHOLE-"

"STOP TRYING TO KILL YOUR SON, ASSHOLE-"

"Cassidy. Cass. Cassy. My little brother in a better universe. You can move on, you don't need to keep torturing your dad. I mean I get why you're doing this, but fucking Christ-"

and those are just a few examples of Charlie being very tired of this shit. give my girl a break, she needs one

Hahaha charlie just being so tired of this shit but. She loves these damn kids so by god she's getting their shit together

[rosie-kairi]

Man the way KH brainrot has me going insane, especially khux and having ven shoot up from top 5 characters all the way to number 1, like he's the most tragic character and I can't get over it (i will fight anyone who says its not ven they're wrong).

Like in unchained x he's likely 8 years old, no wonder he always considered himself not very good and didn't have friends. All the keyblade wielders are preteens and teens none of them want to train a 8 year old from the ground up which sucks because we know by bbs he's actually very strong and a talented wielder.

Then we fast forward 2 years to union x and it was only recently pointed out to me that has he not replaced strelitzia he likely would've fought in the keyblade war. He narrowly escaped dying as a child soilder at 10 in war and the universe saw that and decided to make his life worse for it. Because then we find out the original darkness took advantage of him and the guilt nearly ate him alive he was willing to let his own surrogate brother strike him down as righteous justice. But when that didn't happen he then willingly jumped into a fight he knew he would lose to save his friends at 11 years old. Ven is a baby! He's too young for all this! And then he never sees his friends the only family he's ever known again! What the fuck!

And then the poor kid gets screwed over even more because a maniacal old man has been obsessed with his visage his whole life and he gets trained tortured for a year and when xehanort can't mold ven into his perfect weapon he just straight up murders him! Ven is only 12 and this is the second attempt on his life! He barely survived and then gets placed in the care of his old friends grandson that he does not know or remember and then is almost killed by him (god poor ven the memories are too painful to bear) and then he's lied to about losing his new friends and forced into a fight to the death. Once again Ven willingly enters a fight he knows will end badly for him to save his friends and he's 16! That's 4 murder attempts now!

And then poor Ven is left in an enchanted coma for 12 years since radiant garden doesn't fall for another year and then 9 years go by until KH I and then Sora goes to sleep for a year after COM, and then when he finally wakes up it's to fight in the war he barely escaped from as a child.

And only now post Melody of Memory he reaches 17 by a miracle but it seems the fortellers and MoM are the new big bads so I can only imagine what horrors wait for Ven. Poor kid barely escaped childhood and has had years of his life stolen from him like Ven cannot catch a goddamn break and he lives rent free in my head I think about his overarching story too long and I can feel the madness set in.

Totally!!!! Nothing but bad times are coming for this kid in the coming saga. There's the stress of looking for Sora, of course, but then after everyone let's their guard down DARING to believe that they'll get some peace and quiet for once in their lives THESE assholes with the animal masks and the unbelievably strong keyblades show up and Ventus recognizes them somewhat. And then that leads to him slowly getting his memories back and he remembers what happened to him in the past. He'll collapse from the weight of it all!!!

Ventus is so. Everything to me. I think he's probably my favorite character in the "mainline" series proper. You can fit SO much horrific experiences inside of this little blonde boy

[notsoheterosapien]

oh my fucking god - I have so much to say about c!tommy.

this is just a text-rant, so you can skip over it if you like.

oh my god I feel so bad for him. This kid can never catch a break. This kid has been so consistently screwed over and pushed to the side by everyone around him since he was literally canonically 12.

He fought as a child soldier, his older brother involved him in drug dealing (yes it’s written as a bit but it still very well happened in canon)- c!Wilbur was so constantly messing up as a role model for him. I want to strangle that fucking man, let alone the fact that he never really even apologized—

He had to see his brother kill himself after destroying everything they had worked for.

Tommy got exiled to live on his own in the middle of fucking nowhere by his best friend when he was canonically 13-14, where he was systematically tortured and abused by Dream every day, and it nearly broke him. And he never got a real moment to just sit with his thoughts from that, he never got any time to heal.

When he was with Technoblade, their whole arc (though you could describe them as brothers) was just taking down the government that wronged them. That and I can’t imagine c!Techno would be much of a help at comforting him.

He was passed around like a tennis ball from guardian figure/role model to guardian figure/role model.

And god I feel so bad. He may have gotten some time while Dream was in prison, but those walls that he built around himself never really came down. He was so constantly on guard and it’s just awful.

When Wilbur came back, he was put right back in again. He was put with yet another gaslighting, manipulating, lying asshole who only used him. Sure, maybe you could argue in the end Wilbur still thought of him as his brother, and he still protected him. But in my opinion it was way too little, way too late.

Tommy had to watch his older brother idolize the same freak that traumatized him. Wilbur was awful and a poison to just everyone around him. The one person that was actually even there for him in the end is Tubbo.

I can only hope he would have gotten some time to heal after Wilbur left, but oh my god.

God I will be a c!Tommy apologist and I will die on that hill because oh my god, this child has been through so fucking much. He deserves the best therapy.

[fullscoreshenanigans]

I imagined a AU: Isabella, post the evasion of Ray, Emma and the others is in trouble. Peter Ratri still decide to put her in the grandma position BUT decides to be the ultimate asshole by making her live another kind of "trial".

While she is still captive post evasion, before Peter visits her, they impregnate two embryos in her body: a boy and a girl.

She has to face it: the boy will replace Ray (they don't know that she knows it's her son, Peter told her to "punish" her too but she keep her poker face) she has to raise them by herself, even more like a mother than she was for Ray since it will be the two kids only with her.

She has to raise the boy to be the perfect premium for when he'll be 12, like Ray would have been if he didn't escaped, and the girl to be the perfect sister who will maybe take her place one day. Can you imagine the torture for Isabella? She has to do that again. Except that she feel that she'll not be able to distant herself again. It will be only the two kids with her after all. She will get deeply attached. she knows it. It's a punishment.

She still sings the lubally while they are in her belly and even after. She is thinking to Ray a lot. Ray who is alive, who is not dead, who will not be eaten, with some luck. Ray who has now siblings (they have also the same father) and who doesn't know. Who will never know. Who would die one day. And she knows that Peter would have the sadistic pleasure to tell her or worse to force her to "prepare" him.

These children will hate her too?

She knows that she'll not be able to not love them. It was already hard with Ray. And she is so tired.

A sister from Grace Field helps her. It's a girl that she raised, one of Emma's big sister. Isabella managed to save her. The sister is very protective of her, because she knows about the punishment and tries to help. She doesn't really feel anger toward her. She understands her. she wanted to live too.

When the kids returns to Grace Field, after the death of the queen and the capture of the other children, Peter decide to promise Isabella that he will let her live with the twins in the human world if she helps him. Total freedom. After all, premium kids are not useful for him anymore and he's ready to offer her this freedom.

But the cost? Ray. She'll have to give him to the clan. Maybe kill him herself.

But during the few months where she take care of her new babies, her love for Ray also became bigger. She can't abandon him or betray him or hurt him again, she doesn't want to abandon him. Even if he hates her. She pretents to accept; of course, what else can she do?

Now there are 2 possibilites

She still dies. It happens like in the manga. The sister who helped her brings the babies with her to come in the human world (because she wants to be sure to tell Ray). And when Ray starts to panick because Emma isn't here, she comes to him and told him. She told him everything.

Ray has to search Emma while taking care of his baby siblings. It's hurt. The idea that Peter forced his mother to have another boy to replace him? To make her live THAT again? He didn't forgive her but it hurts to imagine her in this situation. and so, often, when his siblings cry, he cradles them, singing the lullaby. Very often he himself cry when they finally fall asleep.

2) She survives because the wounds wasn't deadly. It's almost the same, really. Except that she is the one to raise the babies. Ray still search Emma but comes often to the house where Isabella lives. He has a room here. But he doesn't often stay. He knows that he will always have a place here but he doesn't feel like a home. Really he comes just to see his siblings, he can stay few days for them right? But when Isabella sings the lullaby to the twins, he stays at the door, and watch what could have been in another life. Their relation isn't the best but, while they both heal, things become a little better, slowly. At least, Ray can stay in the same house than her without feeling anxious or paranoiac. He can spent few days without trying to start a "fight" with her.

For his siblings, he says.

I do very much love the idea of a Grace Field girl the older plant #3 kids would know coming back into the picture, usually so Emma, Norman, Ray, Don, Gilda, and maybe Anna and Nat can reconnect with an older sister they thought they lost, but this girl but helping Isabella in this scenario is oof even if she understands the circumstances of why Isabella recommended her. Some painful beauty and comfort in that.

[aweirdfuckingguy]

The rooftop is where I daydream of being. I had (have) a plan. A plan for my last day, feeling chill fall air brush against my skin as I study the night sky above me. Last day hearing the dry leaves tumble in the wind. An undisturbed final night, perfect and serene. I have been asked what would I miss about life. Honestly? Nothing. I’m excited to finally rest. To finally allow my brain to stop, sit, and bask in eternal peace and quiet. Something my mind doesn’t have the ability to do. I was going to need: a pack of cigarettes, alcohol, tape, plastic bag, a knife, my earbuds, and my phone.

When I was younger, I imagined I would send out personal letters to the closest people in my life. When I attempted often in the past. I would write out letters to my mom, dad, and little brother. The themes were recurring.

Mom, I love you. You were the best mom a kid could ask for. I know you will get this in time if you haven’t now, this isn’t on you. This has nothing to do with you. You have been an astonishing parent and I am deeply thankful for every second I have spent with you. I love you so much, I’m sorry for not being strong enough to persevere.

Dillon, I love you more than you will ever know. Live for me. I wasn’t strong enough to

go on but I love you and miss you already. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better big brother. I’m sorry for letting you down and not being what you needed. I want you to live on, enjoy your life, don’t let your past consume you the way I let mine. Have fun dude, I love you. If there is an afterlife, I’ll be there waiting to hug you again.

Dad, I don’t love you. I’m sick of lying to you every time I say those three cursed words. I’m not going to waste any more of my words explaining why I hate you. I have tried and you choose not to listen. Just know I wouldn’t have killed myself if you weren’t such a shitty dad. I resent you. Always have, and even now, I’m killing myself because of your impact on me. Sit in it. My final words to you are, go fuck yourself.

I wrote those just now, imagine these three paragraphs in multiple iterations in a messy kid-like manner. I started writing suicide letters when I was thirteen.

The plan, it is a fight everyday not to do it. Some days I’m stronger than others. Sometimes I give in a little and cut my wrist just to see the blood and feel the pain. A fucked up way of reminding myself that I am alive. I described it to someone once as it feels as though there’s a deep pit inside me. No matter what I fill it with—therapy, friends, medications, art, weed, alcohol; I’m still deeply miserable. People say, “You just have to push through!” What if I’m sick of pushing through? What I hear and see that sentence for what it is, a distraction from the inevitable. I am sick of distractions. I can’t escape my childhood and the mental torture I’ve gotten from it and myself.

I have been going to therapy since I was thirteen. Desperately searching for answers as to why my dad is such an asshole. Why I hate and blame myself for everything. Now I at least know why. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. So, I at least know why it’s so hard for me to move past what damaged me the most. I have a medical difference. Recently my therapist keeps telling me to quit my vices. What if I just need to work through it? What if I just want someone to listen?

I tried searching for a deeper connection by dating. To find someone who feels fucked up as me but we both try to get through it together. It’s been weird..and hard. I second guess every text I type. Wondering if he hates me over a text. A joke that I over think and decide it’s stupid. My heart leaps when he replies. I miss him. I feel like I fucked up with him though…so I feel alone. Again. And all I keep thinking to myself is…I can’t keep doing this.

[asoulofatlantis]

So in Elaines storyline we died 2 freaking times and time rewinds. In Vans storyline, only some random ex-bad-guy NPC dies. And in Agnes story lots of our acquaintances die, just to torture is. However, time gets rewind. Makes you wonder tho, why time did not rewind when the NPC-Guy died if it does rewind when Friends and Teachers die?

Now that Falcom goes the more bloody way, they LOVE using a lot of blood and empty open eyes ^^'

Why would someone even plant a bomb in a school? Then again... School shootings are a thing too, sadly.

You know I've been the victim of bullying for a lot of years of my school life and it was really hard to get through those years and I at least somewhat get the feeling of wanting to punish the people who have wronged you... but I never understood why one would drag innocent people into it? So this guy felt wronged by Renne and that is why he wanted to hurt the student-council, but not just that they weren't responsible for that little problem that guy had with Renne but he also dragged innocent people into it. Seriously, if I get my revanche by hurting innocent people, then I am no better than the ones who bullied me. And this guy, to be fair, wasn't even bullied. He was an asshole and got what he deserved but couldn't live with it, which made it even worse. Because the only reason this guy had for revenge was his own ego.

I'd say.

At least he didn't intend to kill someone.

It doesn't surprise me at all. Gray is a troubled kid himself in some regards. I am pretty sure he is hiding some important past from us too. But it IS good to know that someone looks out Lashkar after everything he is been through.

But wasn't he from Remeferia or something? Was Almata active even there?

Grays sister was a B-Rank-Bracer and was killed mercilessly in pursuit of Alamata. I guess he hid his true identity to not get rejected by the guild for having revenge as a motive.

Is that a Sailor Moon reference? XD

I would like to say they slightly overdid it with the immigrant hate.... (But who am I to jduge this...)

Towa us really amazing. Negotiating like this, using her NGO-contacts for this purpose... proving once again that her talents are wasted as a teacher.

You know... its just such a waste to have someone shot Towa if Crow, Rean and Angie aren't around. Even in the short amount of time we have before the rewind, imagine the drama if they could not have protected their Towa.

Something in my Erebonian-Bitch-Heart suddenly hurts like hell.

[tumblingxelian]

I posted 58,200 times in 2022

That's 2,223 more posts than 2021!

404 posts created (1%)

57,796 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@short-wooloo

@aspiringwarriorlibrarian

@aalghul

@seeyouguyslater

@fishyfod

I tagged 2,682 of my posts in 2022

#rwby spoilers - 549 posts

#rwby: ice queendom spoilers - 460 posts

#ice queendom spoilers - 443 posts

#rwby iq spoilers - 440 posts

#rwby - 184 posts

#rwby9 - 87 posts

#rwby9 spoilers - 83 posts

#youtube - 81 posts

#cat - 77 posts

#dog - 42 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#this would be so funnybut as previous tags mentioned imagine jason swapping with stephand not only pre reveal - pre red hood!like. he's prob

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I find the whole “The step sisters were just kids, Cinder shouldn’t have killed them, it was wrong” thing very weird because like.

Cinder was a child too????

Why exactly is the tortured slave child being held as more accountable for her actions taken in a situation where they came to harm her; than the people who expressly came there to torture her or have fun watching her be tortured? 

169 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

#4

A Stephanie Brown operating outside the ‘jurisdiction’ of Batman or Oracle, or any other Hero would be a terrifying force to behold, so I claim. 

Mostly, cos I don’t think she’d like, or trust cops (This is Pre Batgirl Steph obviously) and at best view them as a tool, and most often as an obstacle. 

In this context she operates more like a vigilante than a ‘super hero’. In the sense that she’s doling out what she deems to be justice or otherwise necessary within her moral framework and lived experience. 

Thus, if you’re sent to rough up a store or the like, she’ll chase you off but that’s it. 

On the other hand, if you’re an abusive pimp she’ll break both your arms, legs & jaw. 

If she comes across someone’s drug shipment she’ll just destroy it over handing it to cops. 

If you’re sorting cash as  mobster then she’ll bludgeon you and your guards senseless, take the money & donate it. 

Corrupt politicians, that stuff is going straight to ever gossip rag in town and then to the internet, possibly accompanied by some mandatory violence.

If you’re a cop abusing your position, oh boy, enjoy being blindsided in your own home and knocked senseless. Plus if the department tries to act up, hello sabotaged cars, & systems. 

She also knows the difference between people just doing crime out of desperation or cos its all they can do, Vs the people pulling the strings, VS people who relish even their miniscule power over others and acts accordingly. 

Stephanie Brown is here to break exploitative enterprises over her knee, not do police work, or support the status quo, fuck the status quo. 

204 notes - Posted July 5, 2022

#3

Why Changing Adam Taurus Doesn’t Work

So, while I think the issues with the White Fang material in RWBY are overstated (Save for Sienna Khan content, may she be long remembered! And also returned please!!) I do agree they are there. 

And I also think that not quite everyone who suggests Adam’s role be changed to address this are just his stans being awful. However I still think these people are wrong. 

My contention with people who bring it up is not just or even really because there are asshole Adam stans who make edits of Ada killing Blake & Yang or write and say gross stuff or otherwise want him to be the MC. Those people suck but they also are not worth engaging with. The tension with people not like that bringing up changes to Adam that they feel could improve the White Fang storyline (Which I have always said has its flaws) is, yes, partially that I think other characters could fit the roll better but why do I want them for that role? Well let me tell you, its not just personal preference. Its because Blake's story has a lot of different layers, narratively, thematically, characteristically, and a lot of that is heavily tied up in her history with Adam and his efforts to take the White Fang and use it as a vehicle for his own glorification. On the main level, we've obviously got the usual storyline, moral conflicts, selfishness VS selfness, protecting the innocent, ETC, that's also fine and surface level and often what I think people focus on but there's more to it than that. For instance, there's people who describe Blake as bein something of a 'ranger prince' thematically speaking and it fits well. Blake was born into the White Fang her family has a strong history with the White Fang. (If we go by the comics, Adam quickly zeroed in on Blake's last name) 

There's flags and symbology, battles for political influence and the influence of a nation, of ideals and souls, of the 'prince' being led astray, and seeking redemption as a ranger before returning home to claim their birthright. Within this thematic narrative, Adam is essentially stealing Blake's agency and narrative, and thematic role by taking the White Fang, he's the pretender to the throne, the thief. Then there's her story on a personal narrative level, Blake's story is about someone who was groomed, gaslit, abused and who ultimately had to flee her abuser in a bid to save herself from being consumed by them entirely while viewing herself as a coward for doing so, convinced she should have fixed him, convinced he and his allies actions are her personals responsibility. It s a story about an abuse victim finding her way to a safe space, finding a support network that will stand by her in tough times, won't blame her for his actions, won't abuse her and will in fact actively try to help and protect her. Then she's found, he tears down her life, and again, cursing herself as a coward for how he's twisted her mind she runs, to protect her loved one's and punish herself. Yet despite that she finds her family again, one she feared would never welcome her back, but they do, and she sees a friend grappling with similar but different problems to herself and manages to help pull her from the same unhealthy circumstances she was in. Blake is revitalized, she's healing and she returns, rejecting Adam's influence over her, avoiding being drawn into his twisted mind games, and she reunites with the people who were first there for her when she escaped him. Then, in the ensuing volume they have their final face off. she's not alone, she's not afraid and she's not going to let him win again. Its a story of an abuse victim overcoming their abuser, of overcoming their trauma and finally being able to move on, her story doesn't 'end' there like in so many others, it goes on as she moves onto bigger and better things. 

That story resonates with a lot of people who have faced abuse, its a story that rather particularly would not benefit from stuff trying to give Adam more 'competence' or 'depth' or otherwise better qualities. (And if someone wants to argue abusers are people too, sure, but call me only when you want to start humanizing Jac Schnee to... Or rather. Don't. Please don't.) The point is, there's a lot more to Blake's story and more to the point a lot for major reasons not to try and change the story to Adam's benefit by rewriting him as a mentor or a more "Grey" figure. Because it completely removes these aspects entirely from Blake's own history, from one of the title characters arcs. 

Ultimately, Adam was a personal villain for Blake, Blake is a main character, her story and trauma shouldn't be subordinated or erased for the benefit of his character. If someone wans the White Fang plot-line to better handle these topics, Sienna, Illia, the Albain's and more are right there, ready and willing to be utilized, and they all can be without it doing any harm to Blake's personal narrative.

279 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

#2

So there were several comics where Crystal made it clear she suspected Stephanie of criminal activity. & even upon discovering her vigilantism, she seemed to think Steph doing that was also an indicator she would become just like Arthur. 

Meanwhile Bruce constantly saw his dead son in Stephanie and clearly expected she’d meet the same heroic but tragic fate as Jason. 

What I am saying is, Steph really gets a lot of people projected onto her and its interesting the two adult figures she cared about most share this problem. 

In a slightly more comedic take: 

Crystal: My daughter is dooming herself to a life of violent criminality, this is inevitable. Bruce: Your daughter is dooming herself to a heroic, but ultimately foolish and violent end. Stephanie: Does anyone want to actually engage with what I, Stephanie do and say or feel? Both: Hush child, we are speaking for you.

364 notes - Posted January 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I think those AU's where Catra ends up at the Rebellion in place of Adora -with or without the sword- miss out on the real juicy feels and drama with their insistence on remaking the Best Friend Squad/Super Pal Trio. Cos Catra would not want new friends, and would be difficult to get along with as a policy decision 9 times out of 10. Glimmer, Bow, most of the other Princesses would struggle, & unlike canon when Catra joined up there's no Adora or circumstances to ease the process. But have her interact with Angella or Casta, or any vaguely patient and slightly emphatic maternal figure and Catra will be eating out of their hand in a week and plotting the Horde's downfall for them in the next. &  to me sounds like it'd be fascinating to read about and unique.

384 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[mehbzz]

How do you see Billy and Stu characters in your stories? Could they turn and ever kill reader?

My take on them is pretty similar to how I see them in the movies, just with a little more softness and added polyamory! A very quick ramble of an explanation under the cut.

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My fic interpretation is basically that both are narcissistic misogynists. I see Billy as able to feel guilt, empathy, remorse etc but has reached that stage where he doesn’t care anymore, he can ignore all those pesky emotions in favour of what he wants or feels. Struggles a lot with reacting appropriately to other people’s emotions, knows how he should feel, but just can’t anymore. Thinks he's acting and playing the part well but he's really not. His abandonment issues are obvious, I think he was probably a little too close to his mom, an unhealthy co-dependency that encouraged the way he has latched on to Stu first and then reader.

I see him as having panic attacks and anxiety, especially when he deems things as getting out of his control. Which includes reader. Very clingy when he deems someone as worthy of him and his time, doesn’t know how to love normally, and probably comes across as controlling and possessive. Needs to know where you are and what you’re up too, gets antsy if you’re late or not where you said you’d be.

Stu I see absolutely as a borderline psychopath. Really struggles with empathy, doesn’t feel guilt or remorse for his actions, but is very very good at mimicking it or faking it when he has too but really doesn’t care what other people think about him, or maybe genuinely forgets his act sometimes, which is why people see him as insensitive or stupid. I think Stu is a lot lot smarter than he pretends to be.

I see him with neglectful parents who turned a blind eye to his behaviour, although I can imagine him seeing a Child Psychologist for a while. Tortured animals growing up and more than likely killed at least one childhood pet. A bully at school, picking on girls and kids smaller than him in the playground, until he learnt how to “behave” and temper those more aggressive temperaments of his. Can’t have as much fun if people always have an eye on you. His parents were probably called to the school on more than one occasion when he went too far, but they probably paid them off in some way! Most likely to hurt you for fun.

I think they are on equal footing with regards to who’s in charge, it’s just not reader! Although I think I write Billy more as believing he's in control of the situation and of Stu. Whereas Stu doesn’t care either way! Been friends since they were very little and know each other inside and out.

(My favourite thoughts for their relationship in the movies flick between two ideas. They are definitely more than friends but don’t care enough to explore it, or have found common ground and are just selfishly using each other to get what they want, which is revenge on Sid for Billy, and purely the excitement of the chance to kill for Stu. Each believing they are using the other when in reality they're absolutely looped into a toxic co-dependency, fuelling each other’s worst traits.)

Both are selfish, entitled horny assholes with superiority complexes. They want, they deserve it, so they take it. Both have no qualms about pushing you way way past your boundaries. Masters of gaslighting and manipulation (fun for Stu but more from abandonment fears for Billy, useful for both.) but in my fics I think they do love reader in their own twisted ways! For Stu, I think it’s more ownership and an obsessive possession than all out genuine love, emotions are a struggle for him! Billy feels the same possessiveness but does love reader in the more conventional sense too but tries to hide it, (thanks to an emotionally stunted father, - men conceal they don’t feel)  

They wouldn’t ever kill reader. Unless maybe…. they get caught during the killing spree and its ends up a murder suicide type situation. You are theirs but they see themselves as yours as well.

I see them as needing each other to survive now; if they ever got forcefully separated it would end up in a bloodbath of self-destruction, Stu outwardly and Billy internally. They fuel each other, in the worst and the best ways. They wouldn’t survive without each other. They both see reader as worthy of them but still sort of a little below them, because you know, misogynistic asssholes!

[cactus-joke]

So, anyway

Kate Herron continues her “baby’s first big production” directing, wasting time and insisting on nausea inducing camerawork. Couple that with the children’s ABCs of dialogue, the continued disregard for any kind of complex storytelling and you get... Loki series episode five.

Loki is still a sidekick (and now a love interest too!) for the main character who is: so special. The special-est. Did we mention how amazing she is? How different? Yeah, and the smartest too! Surely, you must agree with us. We are telling you how to feel, after all. It’s also heavily implied that this is because she is the only “female” Loki variant. Girl power, yay. Here you go, Disney/Marvel, all my love, all my money. Feminism marches on, and all of that, through empty gestures of shitty production companies.

The vote!Loki Loki we saw in the trailers is worse than anything I could have imagined. Love throwaway gags that aren’t even funny, love them. Further indicating, in the most blatant and childish way possible, that Loki’s modus operandi is betrayal. Don’t you know? He betrayed his LOVING father, his LOVING mother and his LOVING brother. His HOME even. For no reason other than THAT’S JUST WHAT LOKI DOES. But he won’t betray Sylvie, of course not. Because he LOVES her so damn much. LOVE changes everything, even deep seated trauma, apparently. Because he’s learning how to love himself, you say? Oh, but I thought she was “her own character”. She is “Sylvie”, the best and the brightest of them all and he loves her, not himself (because he is a shitty asshole, and ready to admit it!).

Kid!Loki killing Thor? Massive. Must have been one of those times he stabbed him, but like for real this time. Because, you see, all Lokis, except for the female variant, are terrible little shits. I realize this is because they CAN’T change, considering kid!Loki told us so point blank, but, for me, this little action just goes into the same pile of trash, positioning the male variant Lokis, and our Loki, as an inherently lesser version of their female counterpart with her “inherently good heart”.

Why would old!Loki wear that particular outfit? Who knows, who cares, it was in the comics fuck you.

How many times can we say “glorious purpose” you ask? Oh, so many. So damn many to the point it means less than it ever did, if it ever meant anything at all.

I guess it’s good old!Loki sacrificed himself in the end because redemption by death is still going strong (”never too late too change”, change from what to what for this Loki? Who cares, they’re all shit, except for Sylvie). Love to see it. Why should they have any motivations other than to serve as fodder? Oh, perish the thought. All Loki variants are fodder fools (except for Sylvie, of course.).

Was Mobius truly a “good friend” who “cares” about Loki? Apparently, don’t ask me, we just TOLD YOU SO. Look no further behind the blue curtain. He is neither “bad” nor “good”, which is why our Loki and him get along so well. Splendidly even. A true mentor, Mobius is. Torture does bring about wonderful friendships, after all, Loki would know. Ah, if only he wasn’t so keen on betrayal, I’m sure him and Thanos (and the Other!) could have had a wonderful friendship.

Oh yeah, and Loki is using the badass flaming sword as a distraction torch. Isn’t that lovely?

Ah, he just needs guidance from his better self, really. He is nothing without her, nothing at all. Can’t even use magic we’ve previously established he could. Really, just a weakling dumbfuck. It’s all good though, Sylvie’s very presence will change him. He’ll still be a dumbfuck cretin, but at least he’ll use some magic TO HELP HER ON HER QUEST.

Man oh man. Can’t wait for the last episode. I’m sure it will be “glorious”.

[hello-nichya-here]

If there was only ONE change you could make to Buffy, what would it be?

I know you said one, but I'm giving you a ton because even though the show was great. there was A LOT wrong with it, and what bothers me the most depends on the day XD

1 - Let Joyce be a minimally decent mother. I'm not even talking great parent, just... not Joyce Summers. Almost anything is an improvement.

2 - No Xander judging Buffy for sleeping with Spike, a souless vampire that killed people, while he himself had just been dating and almost married Anya, a literal vengence demon that spent thousands of years torturing and killing people. Just let him have SOME level of self-awareness (and not be just Joss Whedon's way of berating the fans for liking the "wrong" character).

3 - Either making Riley minimally decent, or no letting Joss make EVERYBODY praise Riley for being the "perfect" boyfriend, when the bar was on the fucking ground and somehow he STILL failed at being better than ALL of Buffy's love interests - including all the ones that actively tried to murder her at one point or another.

4 - No Angel saying he's going to help Faith process the shock, guilt and denial over accidentally killing an innocent man, only to them dump all of his trauma onto her and saying that, on some level, she enjoyed killing an innocent man just like he liked killing humans when he had no soul, and then completely ignoring and basically gaslighting her when she pointed out that no, that was not the case, and that he can't just project onto her and think that counts as help.

5 - Either no Faith becoming evil, or at least give us more scenes between her and the Mayor because I REALLY liked the "wholesomely evil dad spoiling his daughter" vibes they had going on. (Seriously, I need an entire spin-off show of those two being the evil version of The Incredibles)

6 - NO KILLING TARA (or at least bring her back)

7 - No undoing Jonathan's character growth for the sake of a joke that wasn't even all that funny.

8 - No Gilies willingly abandoning Buffy and the others at exactly the worse time that he KNOWS is the worse time. Have the council find a way to force him to leave as revenge for the time Buffy made them her bitches.

9 - NO GILIES GOING ALONG WITH THAT SLAYER TEST BULLSHIT

10 - No Amy becoming evil for no real reason

11 - No Buffy emotionally neglecting Spike and beating the shit out of him when he doesn't deserve it

12 - No Spike trying to rape Buffy

13 - NO "SPIKE IS THE DOCTOR" STORYLINE, HOLY SHIT, WHO ALLOWED THIS? WHO WANTED THIS? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE!

14 - Either make Angel less of an asshole, or at least acknowledge that he wasn't that great of a boyfriend.

15 - Make season one matter more, because it honestly felt more like a pilot that is ignored 9 times out of 10.

16 - Tone down Dawn's teen angst a bit. It worked in many episodes, but there were MANY times in which it felt completely out of place (like her complaining that Buffy doesn't imagine her in her "ideal reality" when it's VERY CLEAR that what Buffy is hallucinating is NOT her dream world, but just a world in which she never left LA and the supernatural isn't real)

17 - More Ripper stuff

18 - More scenes of Buffy confronting Giles and Joyce for sleeping together because that shit was funny as hell.

19 - No ruinning things for Xander and Anya

20 - ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WILLOW IS BI!

21 - BRING UP THAT ONE KID WHO WAS CHILDHOOD FRIENDS WITH XANDER AND WILLOW, DIED IN THE PILOT, AND WHOSE NAME I TOTALLY FORGOT!

22 - This one is kind of cheating, but give the early fight scenes better effects and choreography because... yikes.

23 - No "updating" the opening theme. Let the 90's punch me in the face every single time I watch an episode.

24 - SEASON SIX. That's all I have to say.

25 - No letting Joss Whedon use characters as self-inserts.

26 - No letting Joss Whedon be Joss Whedon

[crimeronan]

Ok so I’m into the dreamer trilogy and haven’t read the Raven cycle...what is Declan’s characterisation/journey there?

THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST ASK I’VE EVER RECEIVED. IMAGINE I’M STANDING WITH MY ARMS SPREAD USING DIFFERENT VOICES AND HAND GESTURES TO REENACT THIS STORY FOR A RESENTFUL CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

also declan’s TRC storyline is like. equal parts horribly fucking sad and unbelievably fucking hilarious so. i will try to strike a Balance

FIRST OFF.  there is exactly one (1) declan POV chapter in the entire series. it happens toward the end of the last book. up until then, everything we know about him comes from the observations and narration of others.

he is also a very minor character.  his importance grows throughout the series, but almost all of his actions happen offscreen.  it’s not until the last book that we know exactly how much he’s been dealing with the whole time.

when he’s introduced in the first book, he appears as a plot device.  here is a two-dimensional horrible controlling hardass who doesn’t give a shit about anything but his future political career.  look at his fake, smug fucking grin.  how did someone like ronan end up with a brother like him??  doesn’t matter.  it’s a convenient excuse for ronan to live with his best friend in a drafty warehouse, which means more room for YA hijinks!

declan’s introduction scene is Embroiled in Capital-D Douchebaggery. according to the narration (from gansey and adam), he loves to fuck women and then never call them back, cozy up to powerful people, and bitch about how ronan’s ruining his life by being sad about their dead parents.  SOME people can just get over their dead parents, ronan!

this intro scene is also Extremely Funny i 100% recommend reading it even if u don’t read the actual series.  ronan makes a nasty comment, declan goes “why are you the way that you are” and tries to salvage his date, gansey utters the phrase “man whore”

then later that night things go like. actually bad.

declan shows up at the same pizza place where ronan is with his friends.  this scene is gansey pov.  gansey runs out to the parking lot to find the two of them Very Literally Trying To Kill Each Other.  you don’t see that violence in cdth - there’s only the TINIEST shadow of it when declan confronts ronan over matthew - so i Cannot Express Enough that someone is going to end up hospitalized at BEST. ronan’s already slammed declan’s head on the car, declan’s already grabbed ronan and beaten the shit out of his face, like.

you do not get good old-fashioned Declan Lynch At His Actual Worst in cdth. u might be thinking, THAT guy???? doing THIS????

oh yeah. things are real bad between declan and ronan.

after gansey breaks up the fight (and gets punched in the face for his trouble, albeit accidentally), declan tells ronan that their dad would be fucking ashamed to see him now & that he’s washing his hands of it & basically if ronan wants to go off and fucking die, he can.

this is like. just a couple months after the magical suicide attempt referenced in cdth

in the aftermath of that scene it becomes clear that ronan absolutely unequivocally 100% will kill himself if he has to live with declan. hence. why he’s living with gansey instead.  gansey spends that whole night petrified that the declan altercation will lead to another attempt, and for Good Reason

so like, that’s how we first meet declan. he’s an uncaring wannabe corporate asshole who does not give a fuck and who only exists to exacerbate ronan’s mental health issues.

but then the opening of book 2 gets real interesting.

book 2 is where we start learning more about the lynch family.  we learn that ronan’s father was a dreamer who sold his creations on the black market, we learn that that’s why he was murdered. we learn that ronan’s a dreamer too. we learn that there are very powerful people looking for the greywaren, an artifact that takes objects from dreams. those powerful people just don’t realize it’s a person, yet.

so here’s the assassin who killed niall lynch.

he goes to declan’s dorm.

with everything we know about declan, the kid should be completely unprepared.  he can box, but the assassin knows that, so there’s no real advantage.  he’s alone, and he doesn’t have an escape route.

declan pulls out a gun.

this is an unexpected turn of events.

unfortunately he ends up getting beaten half to death with the butt of said gun, because he loses the ensuing physical struggle for the weapon.  the assassin is like, i need the greywaren.  declan is like, i know it exists but i don’t know what it is.  i’ll find it for you.  i’ll get it to you.  then you’ll leave me the fuck alone

now with everything we know of declan at this point - his attitude toward ronan, his general demeanor, and this new knowledge that he knew about the black market - there’s one obvious question.

will declan sell ronan out if he finds out about the dreaming.

and like, okay. their relationship is antagonistic in cdth but it is NOT what it is in trc. believe me when i tell you that at that point, when you’re reading, you can pretty reasonably go, “oh, god.  oh god.  oh god please no one ever tell declan what the greywaren is.  oh god.”

declan has some other interactions with ronan and the gang throughout the book, mostly where he’s just a hardass who tells ronan to stop causing trouble.  adam’s the only one who notices that declan is scared.  like bone-deep shaking to the core petrified.  about Something.

probably getting beaten to within an inch of his life by the man who murdered his father.  that’s the reasonable reader conclusion.

so imagine how everything changes when you find out that declan already knows.  that declan’s known about ronan’s dreaming for longer than ronan has.  that declan knew exactly what and who the greywaren was, and he lied to a man who was ready to torture him for information, and he got away with it.

suddenly a lot of things recontextualize.

“keep your head down and stop making trouble”? people are gonna NOTICE your magic bullshit, ronan, we do not have time for this!

“stop hanging with that loser druggie friend of yours”? you mean the loser druggie friend who sells on the magic black market and doesn’t care about protecting himself or anyone else?

“i got super weird for no reason about ronan sleeping close to adam”? i don’t have fucking TIME to be homophobic i’m busy with your POTENTIAL TO MANIFEST NIGHT TERRORS IN FRONT OF WITNESSES IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

“i’ll find out what the greywaren is and bring it to you”? i’ll die. i’m making a bargain to die. i’m never giving you the greywaren and i know you’re going to kill me about it and that’s fine as long as my brothers are safe

ronan doesn’t know that he dreamed matthew.  declan knows.  he’s known the whole time.  declan tells ronan in book 3.  and then things recontextualize even further, because ronan’s death is also matthew’s, and matthew IS close to declan in trc.

but declan never tells the goddamn truth unless it’s his last option.  he doesn’t tell ronan that he knows about the dreaming and he doesn’t tell ronan what specifically wants to hurt him and the lack of communication fucking destroys both of them.

in the last book, ronan realizes declan loves him.

more than that, he realizes declan’s loved him the whole time.

this is when declan finally tells the truth.  things are getting bad, plot-wise, and declan is scared, so he comes clean.  he tells ronan that niall specifically tasked declan with protecting ronan from the market.  he begs ronan to run from the danger.  “let’s pour gasoline on everything dad left and start over.”

this is also when ronan realizes that declan’s childhood was very different from ronan’s own.  and that niall and aurora lynch were not the same people to declan that they were to ronan.  and that their father’s decisions are what’s driven the wedge between him and declan all this time

(he’s still struggling with the cognitive dissonance of this in cdth. i don’t think he knows how to adjust his perception of declan to fit this new information.)

aaaaand the final scene with declan makes me cry every time i read it so instead of summarizing, here’s the important part:

Ronan delivered a sharp tap to the object, and a small cloud of fiery orbs sprayed up with a sparkling hiss.

“Jesus, Ronan!” Declan jerked his chin away.

“Please. Did you think I’d blow your face off?”

He demonstrated it again, that quick tap, that burst of brilliant orbs. He tipped it into Declan’s hand, and before Declan could say anything, jabbed it to activate it once more.

Orbs gasped up into the air. For a moment, he saw how his brother was caught inside them, watching them soar furiously around his face, each gold sun firing gold and white, and when he saw the spacious longing in Declan’s face, he realized how much Declan had missed by growing up neither dreamer nor dreamt. This had never been his home. The Lynches had never tried to make it Declan’s home.

“Declan?” Ronan asked.

Declan’s face cleared. “This is the most useful thing you’ve ever dreamt. You should name it.”

“I have. ORBMASTER. All caps.”

“Technically you’re the orbmaster though, right? And that’s just an orb.”

“Anyone who holds it becomes an ORBMASTER. You’re an ORBMASTER right now. There, keep it, put it in your pocket. D.C. ORBMASTER.”

Declan reached out and scuffed Ronan’s shaved head. “You’re such a little asshole.”

The last time they’d stood on this roof together, their parents had both been alive, and the cattle in these fields had been slowly grazing, and the world had been a smaller place. That time was gone, but for once, it was all right.

The brothers both looked back over the place that had made them, and then they climbed down from the roof together.

[smurphyse]

Moonlight Lingerie

Masterlist

Chapter 5 of Over Your Shoulder

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Jasper Donnelly Keaton (Long Lost Love AU)

Word Count: ~5.4k

Summary: Another part in Alabama, with some memories tossed in! The plot starts to ramp up a bit after this. I feel like I have a much better grasp on Spencer's voice after this chapter. It took me a bit to get it right.

Warnings: blood and a bit of gore, memories of torture

The “hotel” was actually an old farm house that had been converted into a bed and breakfast just outside of Ellison. The living room had been renovated into a large dining area with a bar, and the parlor was now a check-in and waiting area. All the rooms were upstairs, and since they were the only guests, all eight bedrooms were taken up by the team, the master suite being happily claimed by Emily.

They reconvened in the dining area after their assignments. After the morgue, they had spent most of the day interviewing witnesses and amusedly watching Jasper ignore the deputies trying to hit on her. It had taken a lot out of Spencer and he was ready to relax a bit.

When they had dated, she could’ve been holding Spencer’s hand or sticking her tongue down his throat and still some asshole would come up and try to entice her away. It was endlessly frustrating, and had killed his self-esteem when it came to their relationship.

She was this gorgeous, strong, imposing woman, and he was skinny, uncomfortable, gangly Reid. He was the kid who got tied to flagpoles and laughed at by the prettiest girl in school, he didn’t get to actually take her out.

Spencer knew she had done her best to assuage him of any notions that she didn’t want him. She wasn’t much of a PDA person when they first met, but after a month or so she began clinging to him, albeit in a less physical way than she did when they were alone, and it had helped him a lot. Still, it was hard to silence those parts of his brain that told him she belonged with someone like Jack, who was strong and brave. Someone who deserved her more than Spencer did.

“How was your first day, Jasper?” Luke asked as he approached the table, setting down a handful of drinks he’d precariously stacked on top of one another. The rest of them had pulled some tables together and spread out with takeout, drinks, and casefiles.

Jasper was eyeing a particularly bloody photo of one of the boys with one hand as she stuffed her face with the other, still wearing that red cardigan even though the temperature was in the high nineties. She ate quickly, a byproduct of being a Marine, eating most of her food before the rest of them really settled in.

Spencer used to make a game of her eating habits. She ate so quickly and was usually distracted by a book or something, so Spencer would hand her pieces of food and other plates, watching in amusement as she just kept eating whatever was handed to her.

More often than not, Spencer would hand her something inedible like a knick knack or a notepad, laughing as she bit down on it without thinking. She would glare playfully and toss the item back at him, the fight usually ending with them in a tangle of limbs and sighs on the floor instead of finishing their dinner.

“As good as it could be, I guess,” she shrugged, shoving another forkful of noodles into her mouth. She stared at the photo, munching away despite the gore. “Can’t imagine dead kids would be fun for anyone’s first day.”

“You know, we heard that you’re immortal,” Lewis stated. Jasper gave her a confused look. Tara just smiled back at her, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, Luke said you’ve done it all- been shot, stabbed, blown up,” JJ added from across the table where Spencer sat next to her.

“I guess, yeah I have had all of those happen to me,” Jasper glanced over at him, then back at the photo, clenching her jaw. “Isn’t that how the job goes?”

“Not this job,” Luke laughed, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his drink, “I mean, it can get pretty hairy, but it’s nothin’ like what we were doing in the Middle East.”

“That’s kinda why I picked it,” Jasper smiled at him, “I guess I got tired of pulling dumbass Rangers out of humvees.”

“Man, I’m glad you were doing it back then, at least! Without you I would’ve died on the side of a dirt road outside of Fallujah. You guys should’ve seen it, Jasper’s a total badass. She pulled me and two others from the wreck after we were ambushed with an IED. She took a bullet to the head and chest and still went back for the last guy.”

Jasper’s face turned red, her back stiffening as Luke spoke. Spencer saw that familiar shadow fall over her eyes when anyone brought up her time in the service. She could talk about her qualifications, her job history in the Marines, but ask about details and she usually shut down. During their time together he had managed to get only a handful of stories from her time overseas.

“You got shot in the head?” Spencer asked, hands on the table as he leaned closer to her in concern. Even though she was clear on the other side, she leaned back in her chair.

He couldn't help but imagine it, having worked with the BAU for so long. The image that ripped through his brain sent his chest into a freefall. She was so tiny, she had probably been launched off her feet. She must have hit the ground so hard. Was it before or after she’d been shot in the chest? Did she think she was going to die? Had she been at peace with that?

“In the helmet,” she sputtered, reaching a hand up and tugging her curls away from her face, “It didn’t go through, just gave me a headache for a few days.”

“Jesus,” Walker grunted, “Sounds like you both got lucky.”

Jasper shrugged uncomfortably again, avoiding Spencer’s gaze. She reached into her bag at her feet and pulled out a newspaper. Little articles had been circled in red ink, the housing section.

“Do you guys know any good neighborhoods for apartments?” she adjusted her glasses on her face, forcing the conversation another way, “It’s been so long since I’ve been in D.C. and I don’t wanna stay in this hotel they’ve got me in.”

“Yeah,” Luke said, poking her on the shoulder playfully, “I can help you look for some. Georgetown has a few great spots.”

“Didn’t you used to live in Georgetown? That one bedroom with the balcony?” Jasper asked, finally making eye contact with Spencer across the table. He felt JJ shoot him a salacious smile as she already knew what his answer was going to be.

“I, uh, still live there, actually.”

Everyone else’s attention seemed to turn to him at once. Jasper was shocked, and the rest of the team had looks of glee that no doubt stemmed from their minds wandering to just what could’ve happened in that apartment between them.

“What?” he asked defensively, trying not to think of them in that apartment together. Trying not to think of Jasper, prancing around in his CALTECH sweater and nothing else, trying to entice him away from a book and back into bed as her curls bounced wildly about her shoulders.

Trying not to think of Jasper cackling with surprised glee when she found a stack of books in the microwave and the oven, his face heating up when he explained that he had absolutely no idea how to cook anyways, so they’d become shelves for his ever-growing collection.

Trying not to think of Jasper’s feet on his lap as they sat on the couch, catching her looking at him over a crossword puzzle while he was trying to study, her pink painted toes wiggling under his book to distract him.

“It’s small and fits my needs. It's rent controlled. I never got married or anything so I didn’t need any extra space. You and Jack could probably use a two bedroom or something. JJ found a great brownstone.”

“Oh,” Jasper nodded, turning her attention back to the table. “Well, it’s just me, so I think a one bedroom might work just fine. Truth is, I’ve been running around doing all this work for almost twenty years, I’ve never really had an apartment for more than a few months so the few I’ve had were real crap holes.”

“Why won’t you talk about Jack?” JJ asked suddenly, her face light and easy, but Spencer knew that face too well- her interrogation face. She wanted answers.

Spencer’s face lit up with heat. He knew JJ just wanted answers for his sake, since he’d probably never ask if he could help it.

“JJ!” Emily said, “That’s not really any of our business.”

“It’s fine,” Jasper said quietly. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Luke reached over and squeezed her shoulder, and she smiled appreciatively. “I’m actually not married anymore. He died about twelve years ago.”

Spencer felt the guilt pool in his stomach. He’d been asking about Jack all day, fighting jealousy and guilt and his immense dislike for the man. He knew she hadn’t said anything before now because she probably hadn’t talked about Jack in years. That’s what Jasper did. Take a problem, take her pain, put it in a box and put it on the shelf. Move on.

Why was she still wearing her wedding ring?

Twelve years ago? That wasn’t very long after they broke up.

“I’m so sorry,” JJ said quietly, her enjoyment in button pushing evaporated in an instant.

“He died in Bagram, during his last tour. We were only married a few months.”

“How long were you together?”

“Less than a year. We just decided to go for it a few days before he left,” Jasper nodded to herself, staring down at the newspaper she’d brought.

“That’s not enough time,” Rossi said quietly, no doubt thinking of his last time with Caroline, when he thought they had forever together.

“It never is,” Jasper cleared her throat and shrugged, sliding the weight of the conversation off her shoulders. Moving on. “Those deputies were super annoying, huh?”

“Well, they weren’t hitting on us, so we had a pretty flirt-free day,” Walker joked, picking up on her desire to change the conversation.

They all chatted idly, unwinding after the long day spent in the heat. The sheriff’s station didn’t have air conditioning, so they had all sweat through their clothes as they poured over information and paper files, glaring at Jazz as she seemed unaffected in her cardigan.

“Jazz, Reid,” Emily said before they all headed to bed for the night, “Tomorrow I want you two to go over the list of possible suspects. Spencer reads the fastest and Jasper has an eye for detail, so I think you two will work best together on those paper files.”

Spencer and Jasper locked eyes for a moment before turning their attentions back to the table, which was not lost on the team. JJ smiled at Reid, trying to catch his eye. Rossi amusedly glanced at Stephen, who shrugged noncommittally. Spencer figured there must be some pool or bet about them by the way the team kept giving one another suggestive glances.

Emily rattled off assignments for the rest of them before giving her dismissal. They all stood, snagging their food containers before leaving the dining area.

JJ and Tara caught up with Spencer, looping their arms in his as they followed a few steps behind Luke and Jasper up the stairs to their rooms.

“How was it? JJ asked, “Did you guys get along alright?”

“Honestly? She ignored me most of the day and focused on the case,” he shrugged. “I don’t know what I expected but she seems fine enough with this. It is awkward, though.”

“Well, I’m sure she just wanted to do a good job for her first day,” Tara suggested.

“She just seems different from who I knew.”

“Fourteen years is a long time, Spence. I would be more worried if she was the same.”

“Did you see her wrists?” JJ asked, looking around Spencer’s chest to Tara, who nodded.

“Hazards of the job?”

“They only look a few years old. I wonder what she was doing.” Spencer tried to ignore them as they gossipped, which just forced him to watch Jasper’s ass in her jeans as they walked. She looked good .

“Do you think she and Luke ever did it?” JJ’s question pulled Spencer out of his mind, “They seem pretty comfortable together.”

“She and Spencer did it for like ten months and she looks intensely uncomfortable around him,” Tara countered.

“Yeah but hooking up and dating are two very different types of sex.”

“Okay!” Spencer groaned, pulling his arms out of theirs, absolutely mortified. If he was honest, he was also a little pissy at the thought of Jasper and Luke hooking up. “I’m done with this conversation.”

They were approaching their rooms, and JJ and Tara peeled off to their own at the beginning of the upstairs hallways. Spencer groaned internally as he approached his room, which just so happened to be next to Jasper’s. Emily had to be doing this on purpose.

She flashed him a smile as they both unlocked their doors. For a moment she hesitated, like she wanted to speak. He turned and watched her expectantly, but she just shook her head.

“Goodnight,” she said quietly, opening the door and shutting it quickly behind her, leaving Spencer staring at empty space.

------------------------------------

Jasper couldn’t sleep. She tried, really tried, but she was too stressed.

She hadn’t gotten any sleep since the day before leaving Iraq, but knowing Spencer Reid was on the other side of the wall and that she had been savagely blindsided by her past this morning was just about too much for her to handle on top of everything else.

She played music on her phone as she lay there, anger building in her chest while Tammy Wynette warbled on the nightstand:

But if you love him, you’ll forgive him

Even though he’s hard to understand

She sighed, glaring up at the popcorn ceiling. She didn’t need this shit. She had an arms dealer to skin alive. She didn’t need blood-pressure-raising-Reid to go along with all of that bullshit.

Fuck them both, she thought bitterly, fuck both of those assholes.

Hiccups happened on missions, small slip-ups. They always happened. But this?

This was different.

This was a massive fuck up on her part.

How was she supposed to know the most influential ex of her fucked up and ridiculous life was going to be the biggest obstacle? She had a mission to execute, and that meant working with the FBI, even though she technically wasn’t an agent, nor did she want to be.

Fuck the FBI, they’d never done anything for her before. But she trusted Luke, trusted his recommendation for the job, that she would be a good fit. It was just supposed to be a cover, it just needed to get her where she needed to be. It just needed to get her to Liam’s corrupt piece-of-shit contact in the FBI.

It wasn’t that she forgot that Spencer lived in D.C It was more that she hadn't expected him to stay in D.C. He was too good for the FBI. She always figured he’d found his own organization or decide to take over the world. He had the skills, he could do it.

Luke had neglected to tell her Spencer was on the fucking team. Granted, he didn’t even know she knew him, but Jasper was still pissed about it. She hadn’t told anyone about Spencer, nobody except Jack. It had hurt too much to talk about him, and Jack only knew because he’d met Spencer the same night she had.

Jack had been her best friend. He’d been there for all of her relationship with Spencer-- the meeting, the falling in love, the breakup, the picking up Jasper off the bathroom floor, the emotional shut down that followed it all. She could still remember him, gently pressing a washcloth to the back of her neck as she threw up whiskey for the third night in a row. He held back her hair and whispered soothing words to her as she cried into the toilet. She’d been a fucking mess for months after the last time she saw Spencer Reid.

She missed Jack.

Spencer had been the one she was going to leave the Agency for. They were going to be happy. And then she’d fucked it all up. She’d let Spencer see too much of her, and he took what he saw and threw it back in her face.

Fuck. Stop thinking about that shit.

It was too fucking hot in Alabama. The covers were too coarse and too thick, and the sheets soaked up every drop of sweat as she lay on top of them. She only wore a pair of panties and a satin cami, and still she was ungodly hot.

She traced the scarring over her hip, following the jagged ugly word carved there- MINE . It still burned, seared like a brand, since that’s exactly what it was. Baheera said it was entirely psychosomatic, a trauma response, but sometimes Jasper swore she could still feel his fingers on her skin, pulling the wire deeper into her wrists as he held her down and carved into her.

She rubbed the scar on her chest. The long one that dipped between her breasts ached with the heat, but so did the others from that night when he finally tracked her and Jack down. They hurt when it rained, when it snowed, when she woke up in the morning. Some days it was unbearable.

The scars on her wrists and forearms pulsed, angry at her for covering them up in the sweltering heat of the day. She had been miserable under the cardigan, but she wasn’t ready to see Spencer’s face when he saw the deep scarring on her forearms.

She could sometimes still hear the crack of her arms as they broke through the skin as she tried to protect her head and neck, tied by her wrists to a pipe as the baseball bat connected with her hands, her arms, her back . In the silence of the night, she would hear it, whoosh, snap! She would look around frantically for the source, but never found anything but her own face in the mirror.

Her fingers traced the scar down to her ribcage, over the shrapnel scar from her first tour to Iraq. Spencer had long since replaced the actual memory of how she got it. The only scar with a good memory on her broken and torn up body. Back then it had been the worst of the few scars she had.

The moonlight wrapped around her like lingerie as she lounged on the bed. Spencer loomed above her, hips still connected to hers between her legs, his face pink and his hair damp from sweat in their afterglow.

He had spent the last few minutes tracing his hand up and down her naked body, their legs tangled between the sheets as they came down from their high in comfortable silence. Whether he meant to or not, his hands kept coming back to a spot just under her left breast, a spattering of raised scars scattered across her ribcage. The scar almost cut her in half, wrapping around the entire left side of her chest and carving around to her back.

“How did you get this?” he asked quietly. She could see the concern in his soft features as he lightly drew circles along the largest part of the gash. She decided to give him as much truth as she could. How could she tell lies to a man with eyes like that?

“IED,” she said just as quietly, as though it were a secret. To her it was, but he’d never know. “The humvee door exploded inward and into me. I almost died.”

“Were you scared?”

“Of dying?”

He nodded, genuinely wanting to know. She knew he was in the academy and that someday he might be in danger. She didn’t want him to be frightened of that. If she had it her way, she’d cradle him against her chest forever and be his protector. She’d be his safe place. His home.

“No. I was scared of the pain.” She paused carefully before continuing, brushing a strand of his hair behind his ear as she looked up at him. “I couldn’t move, because a big piece of the door was sticking out of my chest. I was pinned to the ground just watching the firefight around me. I was scared of being trapped, even if I survived, of being paralyzed or worse.”

He nodded, though he could never understand until he was put in a position like that himself. There was just no way to know what it was like to be held down by the throat and have Death herself breathe across your face. She didn’t ever want him to know.

“Does it hurt?” he asked suddenly, pulling his hand away as though he could ever be the one to cause her pain.

She reached between them, grabbing his hand and pressing it firmly against her skin. She could feel the bits of metal shift between her ribs, but she didn’t care.

“This is the first time it’s stopped since it happened.”

Jasper sat up, tugging her hands through her unruly hair as she tried to dispel the memories from her mind. She finally decided to brave the heat, pulling on a pair of shorts and snatching her phone from the nightstand on her way out.

She quietly made her way down the stairs, opening the front door as slowly as she could before stepping onto the large wrap around porch. Bless southern houses. The wood was cool under her bare feet, a blessed reprieve from the sweltering day and somehow equally hot night. She sat down on the front steps of the porch, tossing her phone next to her as Gary Allan softly sang to her:

I’ve finally realized

This love it never dies

I’m really not that tough

No I’m really not that tough

I think I’ve had enough

“You and me both, bud,” she grumbled, pulling her knees up to her chest and looking up at the stars. She could hear coyotes and other small animals running around the woods surrounding the remote hotel. She longed to be them- feral and wild, traipsing through the trees with the fierce abandon she had as a girl, leaving all this shit far behind her.

One thing she missed about the south was the sky. In Louisiana, in the part she’d grown up in, the trees from the swamps and the bayous were too thick to see through most nights. The cicadas would scream and she’d lie awake listening to her father’s snoring, her chest tight and more scared of the man in the next room than the night outside.

Sam Donnelly, whose last name she’d taken for her own when making this cover, because she was just a stupid grief-stricken kid when she’d created Jasper, he would tap on her window, giving her a big grin as she opened the blinds. He would reach out his hand to her and help her climb out and onto the trailer porch. She’d sit on his handlebars and he would bike her to Tate’s Clearing to watch the stars. Sam would lie about knowing their names, and she’d let him, falling asleep to his creation of the universe.

The only times she really felt safe were with Sam, but he was gone now.

He had been for a long time. So had the girl he’d known.

“Couldn’t sleep?” a voice startled her out of her reverie, her hand going to her hip for a gun that wasn’t there.

She turned to look, and there sat Spencer Reid, sitting at one of the porch seats with a book resting against the table. His shirt was unbuttoned halfway down his chest, his sleeves rolled up and his messy hair pushed back away from his face. In his late thirties and somehow he still looked like that twenty-three year old kid sitting across the booth from her at Moe’s, sipping a strawberry milkshake on a hot summer night and grinning at her like she was the fucking sun.

“Jesus, Spence,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” he laughed awkwardly, dragging a hand across the back of his neck, “You didn’t seem to notice me when you came out.”

“I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“You know listening to music when you can’t sleep is just guaranteed to keep you up. I told you that before.”

“I can’t believe you remember that,” she muttered, reaching for her phone and turning the music off.

They sat uncomfortably, watching one another from their seats, the slats of the porch like an ocean between them. That’s how it had felt all day, keeping furniture and people and dead bodies between them so they couldn’t get too close.

This was so awkward, goddamnit.

“I’m not going to stay on the team,” she said quietly. She meant it. She would find something else. Surely Luke would help her, this was something he’d probably understand.

Spencer’s brow furrowed, and he snapped his book shut and stood. He marched over to where she sat and plopped down next to her. The stairs weren’t very wide, so she couldn’t lean away from him. Fuck.

Even with the heat and sweat of the day, cinnamon and citrus wafted from his rumpled clothes. The dark circles beneath his eyes betrayed the youthfulness of his features, and she noticed stubble along his jaw that never would have been there fourteen years ago. She wanted to reach out and rub her hand along it, make a joke and wash him blush as she held him.

“Why?” he asked, gazing intently at her with those wide hazel eyes. She wanted to reach out and press her finger between his stupid eyebrows and ease them apart.

Your face is gonna get stuck like that, Stick, you do that too much.

You’re the only reason I make this face. You know that right?

“You already took the classes and passed with perfect marks. Why leave if you’ve put in all that work?”

But she hadn’t put in all that work. Sure, she’d taken the classes when Luke offered her the job a few years back, but she hadn’t actually worked to get into the FBI. Perks of her job, she could be wherever she needed to be because of Oona, because of the American government and it’s dirty little secrets- aka her .

“Spencer…” she started, shifting on the stair, trying to face anywhere but at him and failing, “This is awkward, right? I mean, you are obviously entrenched here. You guys are all like a family, and I’m an outsider. I’m trying to find a place that I fit. I don’t fit in your life. Not anymore.”

“I think you’d fit it great if you actually let yourself,” he whispered, licking his lips. If she let herself believe it, she might think he’d looked down at hers when he did so, “With the team, y’know? Luke is so excited that you’re here.”

“Why would I get to know these people if I’m going to leave after this case?”

“Because that’s what people do, Jazz,” he said bitterly, “they form relationships. You wanna settle down? This is the place to do it. If what you want is to be in the States, then this job is perfect.”

“Why would you even want me to stay?” Do you still want me ?

She couldn’t think like that. She had a mission to finish.

Taqib is more important than your stupid childish romances. Get it together you dumb bitch!

“You… obviously know what you’re doing, and honestly? I’m happy to see you again.”

Her chest fluttered. It was an odd feeling for her, almost like the damned thing might sputter out and stop working altogether. She hadn’t let herself think of Spencer Reid, of love, as anything more than an open wound in so long, it felt like a betrayal of herself.

Don’t humanize him now, dammit! He’s a bastard! He hurt you, he took your stupid, maggot ridden, calcified stone of a heart and smashed it into a million pieces! He’ll do it again.

Or worse.

You’ll get him killed like you did Taqib. You'll choose the mission every time, and you'll watch him die, too.

They watched one another for a moment before his eyes trailed down to her chest, his gaze clouding with worry.

She’d forgotten how little clothing she was wearing in the Alabama heat. The light from the porchlight was dim, but it was just enough to see all of the rips and tears on her battered body. All her scars were on display except the one on her ribs and her hip, thank god that one was covered.

“Jazz…”

He reached out and gripped her forearms, turning them as he inspected the torn flesh. Her back stiffened so quickly she thought it might coil and snap as she realized this was the first time Spencer Reid had touched her in a decade and a half.

His fingers were cool, always soothing and soft against her burning skin. She was always on fire, and he had always been the one keeping watch of the flames lest they spiral out of control. His hands left tingling electricity in their aftermath, his touch seeping into her skin and saturating her bones.

Spencer’s hand trailed up her arm, one hand settling against her neck as the other moved to the shredded scar along her left leg from Wren’s sniper round. The bone had splintered through her skin, blood and tissue bursting from her body, ungodly pain following only after she wondered stupidly how she could have just spontaneously combusted.

He finally looked back into her eyes, and he must have seen the absolute terror that gripped her because he pulled his hands from her immediately.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, swiping a nervous hand over his mouth and dragging it down his jaw. His eyes still rested on the scar on her chest, his brain coming up with a thousand different scenarios for how she could have gotten them.

She wanted to tell him, just tell him everything. All of it. From back before, before she was Jasper, all up till now. At least if he thought her a monster for the life she lived, Jasper would have told him the full truth for once.

“Me too,” she said evenly, sincerely meaning it as they sat there, not exactly sure what she was sorry for. Loving him? Or leaving him? Maybe for making him feel like he had to compete with Jack’s affections for all those months, even though it had never been her intention. Maybe for all of it. Maybe none of it.

He had that look , the one that she remembered. The one that always killed her. Eyes wide and worried, lip tucked between his teeth so tightly she just wanted to reach up and pull it out. Of course when she used to do that, she’d kiss him after.

His hands would wrap around her waist, that worried look morphing into one of pleasure as his hands rucked up her shirt. He would run them up her back, seeking out the planes and dips of her muscles, soothing her aching body in a way that she hadn't achieved since leaving him.

She didn’t know what to say, but she didn’t want to leave the porch. There was no way she would tell him that, but she didn’t want him to leave. Jasper had missed him.

But Jasper couldn’t do it. There was a reason she was so good at covert work. At lying. She took her heart and wrapped it up tight, hid it from the light of day so this kind of crap wouldn’t happen.

She stood abruptly, tearing herself away from Spencer Reid and all of the history between them. Jasper went back inside and into her room without looking back. Just like the night she had left him, she pushed herself forward until she could lock her door securely behind her and burst into tears.

Shit.

Jasper had to get the fuck out of the BAU.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Notes: The two songs mentioned in this chapter are Stand by Your Man by Tammy Wynette I Think I've Had Enough by Gary Allan

Also, just so you know, when I picture Jack, I picture Jake Johnson in Stumptown? Like sexy tattooed with a beard Jake Johnson? Yeah. I love him.

I'm trying to pepper in truths and Jasper's lies into her thoughts, I hope that you can tell the difference? Like you can see what she hides so well in front of others?