#i have no idea what im doing but enjoy i guess
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I did a thing
UNSPEAKABLE!John Ward by @trashprincedio
this came to me in a dream so I woke up and wrote it
The basic premise is Gary fails to bring more people into the Order. John’s a little angry.
“this is short” yes. i know. is this accurate to UNSPEAKABLE john? i have no idea, but it seemed cool so I made it.
——————
Gary was called into a room, just him, to have a personal discussion with John.
John was sat down on an office chair, his robe hood up obscuring most of his face. His eyes were narrowed, staring Gary down like a hawk watching its prey, waiting for the perfect moment to strike and rip him apart.
Gary had failed to bring more Thralls into the Order, and more and more were realizing something was off, and left one way or another. John wasn’t happy.
“Uhm..”
Gary lowered his hood and adjusted his sunglasses. He gulped, and winced at how dry his throat was. It felt like sandpaper was coating the inside of his throat.
“H…Hello, Jo-“
“Take a seat, Gary.”
John spoke quickly, and quietly. A bad sign. Gary could feel the vessel’s rage radiating off of him in waves. It was suffocating.
Gary, however, followed his order. John spoke first.
“It’s come to my attention you’ve failed to bring more to the Order, correct?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And somehow…” John scowled. “More and more Thralls have left, weakening the cult’s influence more and more by the day.”
“That’s correct, sir, but if you would let me explain-“
John looked up, his eyes narrowing.
“What explanation could you possibly have, Gary? You told me that you would make sure nobody would ever leave. You promised the UNSPEAKABLE. It’s not happy. Neither of us are. The Profane Sabbath is days away, and yet we are barely ready.”
Gary gulped, and sweat poured down his forehead. He rested his hands on his knees.
“I’m angry, Gary. Do you know what happens when I get angry?”
John rose an eyebrow and stood up.
“I’ll tell you. When I get angry…”
His arm lengthened and grew, turning into a fleshy arm with claws, launching it at Gary and pinning him to the wall by the neck.
“People DIE!”
Gary’s sunglasses fell off, and he coughed and gasped for air.
“P-Please, John…I beg of you…”
John leaned down, whispering into Gary’s ear, slowly and firmly.
“If you want to talk so badly, then here’s this. You have exactly 30 seconds to tel me why I shouldn’t tear you apart, limb by limb.”
#fanfic i guess#idk lmao#john ward#faith#faith airdorf#unspeakable#unspeakable john au#king of pain au#i have no idea what im doing but enjoy i guess
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I feel bad for neglecting Hazel so much, I do have many thoughts about her.. and also a mermaid au that im probably not going to do anything with
#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#hazel wells#fop hazel#fop dev#dev dimmadome#art#digital art#doodles#I wish Hazels parents were more flawed tbh...#Like I get why they wanted to have them be good rep so that young people could know what a good family is supposed to look like#but it felt like every time there was an opportunity to have them do something genuinely flawed-#they would perfectly sidestep it before it even became a problem#I really enjoyed the first episode because it showed a hint of a very unique emotional issue Hazel had related to having a therapist mother#The idea that she has to be mature all the time#constantly living around therapy speak makes her feel like she isnt allowed room to breathe#Feeling unable to express her emotions without someone there giving advice that she isnt ready for yet#just small things!#She feels so pressured to be emotionally mature all the time BECAUSE she gets praised for it#maybe im projecting everyone always tell me I was so mature for my age...#But like I really really wanted to see that from her!!#And then after that episode it doesnt even come up again#The only other episode that features the moms job as a conflict is the one where she wants to spend more time with her#which is a fine conflict I guess but it still ends with her saying all the perfect things#I wanted Markus to be more of a genuine threat too. even if he didnt actually do anything having him be more looming would have been nice#I feel like they mostly forget hes a para scientist most of the time idk.#I just felt like his interactions could have been more unique#Maybe he will be in future seasons idk
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making a fankid but shaking my head the entire time so people know i'm against the societal belief that everyone's goal and only purpose in life should be to have kids and form a family
#i snapped and made a rock kandi fankid#she was meant to be a one off design to cheer me up and give me something to do#but i made her too cute. now im attached#her name is lacey :) princess lacey at that#idk what im going to do to be able to fit her in my thing. rock kandi or just a kirby kid in general was Never meant to be a thing#that guy's an adult in my oc timeline. and he does fuck all all day as he always has. it's a part of his bit that he's not anyone important#outside of being the hero of popstar of course. he's not a knight or a king/prince. he's not even an adventurer. he likes his planet#and wouldn't want to be too far from it so the idea of being an explorer doesn't appeal to him.#at the end of every adventure he always returns to popstar because popstar's his home#he likes just being a normal guy who just saves the world from time to time. he likes fishing and eating and sleeping#and making friends and juggling children. it's just what he does all day. he loves it.#he's always been happy with simplicity and living in the moment no matter how boring that moment is#and i fear that this would accidentally lent itself to a like. kind of a deadbeat dad?? or take away too much of his carefree bum-ness#technically this is ribbon's and fluff's spawn since kirby can't have kids. so maybe i'll just make the world's first kirbyless rock kandi#whatever you'd call that. Fluffbon?#they all live in different places so i always figured it'd be kind of impossible for it too work out in the long run??#or it wouldn't be That serious. not serious enough for a lacey#which is why i didn't make it canon to my AU and shit and only enjoy it at a distance slash in like a vacuum#so I don't knowww i don't knowww but i'll figure it out i guess#text post
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nothing like a giant bookshelf to make you incredibly aware of how many fucking books you own
#to be fair#an entire shelf is taken up by national geographic magazines#i should probably toss them#but like....what if i use them for something.....#ive had vague ideas to use them to make a collage and paint it#so i dont wanna toss them#maybe i should put them in a box instead of the bookshelf? hm 🤔#michi tag#another shelf is taken up by manga volumes which u know#is usually a fuck ton for any given series#kind of makes you appreciste the omnibuses more#the lower shelf is all like educational textbooks and shit#theres art books my actual textbooks from art classes i enjoyed a big ass encyclopedia (in spanish) a shit ton of cookbooks for some reason#and miscellaneous stuff#one bookshelf is for book series i own which sadly will not include the truly hideous amount of pjo books i own#that requires a seperate shelf all on its own which i dont fucking have but alas#the last shelf is for novels of which i actually have a lot?#and i got like a good hm like 30 books left to shelve?#possibly more im like guessing there#hold on im gonna count for realsies#43! uh how many of those are pjo...21 lmao#anyways i dont have another shelf....im sad......#where do i put all this shit......
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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#in the life#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#harrier du bois#harrykim#pheo drabbles#i have no idea what else to do with this. im just in lesbian love with him#enjoy i guess
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oh damn
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Where else am I gonna rant if not to a group of random strangers that barely know me, right? So ofc I'm gonna rant here cuz these people have no idea who tf I am.
....turns out I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now so I offer this emoji instead: 😔
#so i went to this 18th birthday aka debut of my friend and tbh its the first debut ive ever been to and i was rly looking forward to it#plan was to enjoy with my friends and all and i was also planning to get some ideas for my own debut whoch is two weeks after hers#tbh my debut is the bday that ive been looking forward to for basically my whole life cuz the other important ages i did absolutely nothing#for my first bday i was literally in the hospital so nothing there. in my seventh bday i cant even remember what happened. we went swimming?#so the 18th is what i always dreamt of. ive already told my moms this a couple hundred times and ive already thought out how i want it to go#then at the party i observed everything and i realized a lot of things. firstly that shit is expensive. while we used to have the money#no we dont and thats all just in the past now. second thing which i find the most disturbing is the amount of people#the debutante invites the special people in their life and while yes i do have those i dont think they can even reach the proper number#and also i rly cant see myself in that position yknow? being the center of atteaction with people telling you nice stuff abt how they like u#so thats made me quite sad that the bday ive always wanted is never gonna be mine. my biggest TOTGA...#at this point i just wanna spend my whole 18th wallowing in self pity and sadness. while i know my friends love me i dont rly think they#love me to the point of throwing me a lil party of our own like we did earlier this year to ine of our friends. im the spare friend i guess#and plus when i got home my paretns arent even talking to me or looking my way if not scolding me or getting mad at me#well IM SORRY i also didnt want to get stuck in the fckin road for A WHOLE HOUR while waiting for a ride home#and IM SORRY that im just wearing jeans to a debut. this is my frist fucking time going to a debut so how tf would i know???#plus a lot of people were just wearing casual so wtf 😒#all in all im sad and i want to go die
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reading is… frustrating. I first read this thing when I was in an all too foggy state, I’ll think, so I didn’t really absorb it all too well — I’d best read it again and really make sure to take it all in. And so I do, and I really do take it all in! Except then I’ll be all too foggy to read for a few days, and when I get back to it and continue on to the next chapter I’ll just have. Completely forgotten what happened in the last. Makes you feel rather defenceless to the fog
#sigh#it’s like. What do i even Do. Make personal little summaries of everything I read?#like yeah i Guess#but that would require rereading again…#which isnt bad in and of itself… i do enjoy the stuff i read. but it’s a really frustrating feeling to go over the same things seemingly -#- over and over again and none of it sticks#ultimately proof that even on good and less foggy days i still have so so so much brain fog#i was gonna do a little fic rereading to pass the time until i get off work#but i forgot which chapter i was even on and just That frustrated me to the point it really put me#off the whole thing. mostly wanna cry now#i hate this shit i really do#z talks#im gonna go cry in the work bathroom now. but you didnt hear me say that ahah#also i think part of what makes the summary idea feel so frustrating is just. still the internalised ableism…#it’s. i hate that this is what i’m like now (had to fight to not phrase that in a meaner way lol)#and every accommodation i make for myself is a reminder of just that#especially something like this — my brain fog is the thing i hate the absolute most about my current state#it makes everything. absolutely Everything. frustrating#as funny as it is to be haha a little stupid in the friend group i hate it so much it makes me want to fucking Scream. anyway
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God help me stop writing and publishing beyblade fanfics for the rest of the year
#the minute i started thinking abt sriting beyblade after what ive been writing recently i immediately started feeling so bad#made me realize how much i desperately need a break from how unfulfilling it can be#ive been enjoying my other ideas so much i genuinely get so much happiness from writing them#i really need to force myself to stick to them and not just write a quick beyblade fic and publish it#i have a total of two beyblade fanfics im willing to write and publish for the rest of the year and by god i will not let myself do more#yeah i guess this is kinda vent sorry but wow. yeah. i am not gonna continue publishing this#more of the publishing tbh idc if i write em or not
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...
#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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#flowers arts#hes so sweet Does he know? Does he know?#WELL i guess during riv hes before becoming an older guy so hes allowed to break his role sometimes on purpose and enjoy#these things But whatever. that ones not riv CHECKMATE.#i dont know if im going to draw the different eyes for that i like the idea of it being hidden better than AT LEAST that .#especially considering no part of him actually. knows at this point#Uhhhh. Beap boxing puppy#i dont think ive ever shared im useful and free This song is kind of at fault for that. What the hell. it makes him happy#and i like to think that suffer for fashion (song) can be interpreted as perception. i feel like fashion and perception are synonyms#ok. im going to say this one more time because i still cant remember if ive actually written it in a post.#BOB riv playlist. Thats all. i put a things in it#it will help me remember what arcs i have planned.. though most of the stuff ill do is improvised. as. entries are#OK NO more stuff. if im bored i should work on making stickfigure camp worse. BYE see you (maybe will take a bath)
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This is kind of a random still but it is a good example of why I'm enjoying this journey to the west adaptation so much
#this fight scene involves a magical guitar solo#executed with state of the art im guessing late 80s/early 90s television technology#sun wukong feels sort of like if you mashed jim Carrey's the grinch with bugs bunny and also hes a monkey#there are rubberface monsters left and right and fight scenes constantly#it reminds me of that good power rangers cheese for a number of reasons now that i think of it#i am grateful for the english subtitles i would have no idea what was going on or what anything was#but even without that there would still be plenty to enjoy here#as long as you dont find the monkey's laugh annoying. it is rare for him to not be making that sound. and other monkey sounds.#i get the impression the actor definitely studied monkey behavior for the role and i respect the commitment#hes doing wire fighting and transformations and they set him on fire at one point. all in that monkey makeup and fur.
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sometimes I truly genuinely forget nuance is dead on the internet and then I have to read people who should be on the same side argue about politics on the internet and I start wanting to bash my head into a wall.
#damien.txt#ohhh my god. rattling the bars of my cage. lesser of two evils is a real and true concept.#revolution and changing a fucking country and keeping marginalized people alive takes many different forms#and guess what! voting for the 'somewhat lesser right wing' president over the 'extremely right wing' president IS one of those forms!#change is not going to happen because you voted third party or didn't fucking vote. it is actively going to make things worse actually#truly i think half the people making these comments have no idea how the us government works.#revolutions and protests and community projects and other revolutionary activity i wont explicitly name here will change things. and we#should also be doing that. but we can't just sink into the idealism of those things and ignore the actions we can take around us in reality#and in our reality at this moment. truly. voting strategically to keep republicans out of office is critical.#do you know why the government has been particularly shit the past couple years? sure yeah biden is a shit president and that's part of it#but also. thinking back to 2017-2020. when trump appointed all those conservative right wing people#to positions that opened up. like the supreme court justices. and laws and things started to take a downturn?#whoa..... almost like.... we should prevent that from happening again..... like that was Bad or something......#im truly begging you to take a look at project 2025 and see if that's something you're willing to risk#'im still not voting for joe he supports genocide' cool i guess. hope you enjoy your moral superiority complex. let me know how you plan#to actually do anything about the genocide anyways.#politics
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I'll be honest w y'all i do not intend on catching up w yj any time soon
#i think the finale aired? i saw a tweet ab the finale#but i just. do not care i must admit#i was so excited ab this season this show was a comfort show but the aspects of the fandom ive seen lately just. not good don't vibe#i think a Lot of the s1 and waiting experience for me was fandom based so this show is very fandom oriented for me#and knowing that everyone ive seen talk ab the show on twitter is violently hating the main character that draws me to the show is. mhm#like dont get me wrong i like the girls too!! theyre all mostly pretty likable for me its just.#im at a. specific point in my transition rn where im more drawn to male characters just bc of like. where im at idk#i dont feel like i have to explain it tbh but i also do bc i have seen fans of this show get attacked for far less#but going into s2 ben was my#my main interest i guess the main focus for me and maybe that's stupid but its what it is#and so everything just being the entire fandom hating him is just. not making me wanna watch at all#like im not gonna speak on if they're justified in hating him or not bc i have no idea i havent seen it and its truly not the point#like theyre valid for hating him and im not tryna talk shit on them for it it just kinda has been so loud that im not having fun anymore#idk. idk where this is going or what the solution is like i love this show but genuinely#can not bring myself to watch bc i will not enjoy the moments my favorite character is on screen bc i will Know people r loudly anti him#so im just kinda staying away i guess#idk. i kinda want them to. kill him off so i dont have to deal w it anymore#but i also know that when they kill him off people will be loudly celebrating and maybe thats worse#idk. i think the only way for me to win here is to change how i feel ab ben and not care ab him and join the hate train but i don't want to
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im in a bad mood.
#i say it a lot but i dont know what i like about drawing its just the thing i do. i do LIKE the idea of drawing. sometimes i want to do it#and everything. i spend hours on it. i sit down and spend time on it. it is a hobby of mine. its my creative outlet besides... talking to#myself. and now ai i guess. and on the topic i do feel like im like a fake artist because if i could imagine an image and have it made in#seconds. i would. does that make me not an artist.#i dont enjoy learning. i dont like learning. i dont want to learn things and i dont want to put in effort. does that just#make me a lazy asshole waiting until i can just imagine things and be happy. i dunno#i dont know if i would stop drawing if that was possible. i think im just depressed. as per usual. but i feel bad#and i feel bad that im not drawing so im not getting attention so i feel worse#not that drawing gives me attention. if it wasnt for the part of me that desperately wants to believe that if i just keep trying ill blow u#and people will like me and care about my work id delete my stupid social media accounts. i post here so much and beg beg beg beg beg for#likes to no avail. nobody owes me anything. if i want to succeed i have to try harder. i have to keep trying. it doesnt matter if it never#ever works. if i keep trying ill get something to show for it. if i try hard and like a work maybe one day someone else will like it too#not today. or tommorow. or next year. or the year after that or any decades in my lifetime but one day#i dont even believe i do try that hard. i cant i dont have the energy. makes it easier to blame myself. i used to post every day and did#better. i used to draw fanart and did better. i used to be more social and did better. and i stopped and now i did worse for what. for my#mental health? for my personal want? its not helping#simons spouting
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