#i hate the low calorie alternatives to shit

[problem-vargr]

Listening to fitness influencers talk about how "easy" it is to lose weight and "count calories to stay in a deficit" and "eat high density, low calorie foods" makes me want to tear something apart with my teeth like GURL have you even TASTED halo top ice cream!? W T F I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT SHIT WHAT EVEN IS THAT

[eatinangel]

Fast: day 1

The last days had been the worst, really.

I fasted, then binged, fasted, binged. I really hate how I look rn, I gained a lot of weight back and I want to scream the shit out of me.

October started at 50 kg, idek how much I weight rn. My GW is 45 kg and I was almost there, fuck, why did I have to ruin everything?

It was meant to be my month, by the end of October I could have been 45 kg so easily and now, idk, maybe my weight could be 56? Bruh why why why why WHY.

I'll fast till next Tuesday and then I'll eat 200/300 calories a day, alternating fast days with low cal days.

How much do you think I can lose doing this way? Pls I can't really figure this out, I'm so worried.

[bettercallslur]

TW: ED

i started counting my calories at the beginning of the year (weight loss for mostly health reasons, partially cosmetic, partially bc it gives me a sense of control lmao) but because ive been googling low cal alternatives and discussing it with people now im getting recommended posts on tiktok and twitter (ill call it fucking x when they kill me). and that has snowballed into reccommended posts from ed spaces. i was never exposed to that side of the internet when i was young because i admantly avoided it. but its so interesting to me. definitely a different vibe over there bc while everything i see (now and then) is about body positivity and celebrating fat bodies, there is a steady community of people who legitmately HATE plus sized people. who use our images as fear mongering tactics to keep themselves and others thin. it aint just thinspo anymore lol ive seen the term "fatspo" in its original habitat. i always thought it was used for people in recovery from an ed, but the way ive seen it used is in threads of images/videos of plus sized people doing grwm's or just standing and living their lives with message "you dont want to look like THIS do you??? so quit binging!!!!". idk its crazy over there fr. when i was younger i wouldve been all up in arms about it, but now i just think its almost fascinating. to think that there are people who spend that much time and energy thinking about their body and appearance and the appearance of others... while i can barely remember a persons face even if ive met them 5 times because i literally just do not give a shit what other people look like lol... wild

[cursedpinterest]

PINTEREST DICTIONARY

Pinterest is a wild and weird place. Why not have a handy dictionary to guide you through the depths of that cursed website?

Alt- Means alternative people, usually emo. The boogeyman of the whisper girl. They are often shit-talked in whispers, from people criticizing their appearance to their fashion to their mannerisms and personality. Alt is a very vague term, that could encompass many different lifestyles and fashions, but for my own sanity, I’ll only describe it as is oft seen on Pinterest and described in whispers: Alt people wear Demonias and bunny hats (a widely criticized accessory from the whisper girls), have colored hair, like anime and Monster energy drinks, and often reside on TikTok. They have been called out on misusing AAVE. Apparently, they are obsessed with frogs, glorify mental illness, and say “Poggers”.

Brandy Melville- A fashion company that sells clothing for small and/or petite women. A little controversial since they apparently don’t feature many models of color. This company is a favorite of the whisper girls, which is no surprise since those girls love their thinspo.

Core- If you see a word with the suffix ‘core’, it is meant to signify a certain aesthetic. The widespread use of -cores has grown that even words that already portrayed a certain aesthetic (ie: emo, scene) now have ‘-core’ tacked to the end (ie: emocore, scenecore). Every word has the potential to be a ‘-core’, and often when an image has an indiscernible aesthetic, pinterest users will scramble to assign it a ‘-core’. On the aesthetics fandom wiki, there are 142 articles containing the core suffix. You can browse them here. Examples: cottagecore, goblincore, grandmacore, kidcore, weirdcore.

Coquette- Means flirtatious woman. Pretty much the same aesthetic as Waif and Dollette. Thin, dainty young white women in feminine clothes is a key component. Obviously a variation of thinspo. See Waif.

Diet Coke- Soda that is popular amongst the proana crowd because it has low calories. They also like lemon water, due to the low calories as well.

Dollette: Pale and delicate aesthetics, interchangeable with Coquette and Waif. Variations: dollcore

Ed Sheeran- Famous British redheaded singer. Many Pinterest users “hate” Ed Sheeran, and have entire boards and groups dedicated to making memes slandering him. I highly doubt all of the people making anti-Ed Sheeran memes actually hate him, it’s just a weird little trend to hate on him. These memes have died down in the past 2 years, and are often associated with Facebook memes and alts.

Facebook Memes- A type of meme format that was popular around 2017-2020 on Pinterest that involves editing those Facebook statuses posted over a random background to be relatable. Whisper girls claim that they glorify and meme mental illness a lot, but I see just as many whispers romanticizing mental illness so ehh 🤷‍♂️.

Femcel- A variation on incel, which stands for “involuntary celibate”. Incels are super misogynistic men who are unsuccessful in romantic pursuits, so they take it out on every women ever. They often feel entitled to a women’s time or attention, like a leveled up version of a Nice Guy. Think Andrew Tate fanboys. Femcels are basically women that hate men, make jokes about being the Joker, and there’s a lot of overlap between them and the whisper girls. They’re like the edgier version of coquette.

Gatekeeping- Gatekeeping is the act of trying to prohibit people from accessing something. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss is the motto of the whisper girl. And unironically gatekeeping their interests seems to be a favorite pasttime. Things these girls try to gatekeep: Subliminals (which have millions of views on YouTube), Mitski (who also has millions of views and streams), and Lana Del Rey (whose music gets played on the radio).

Girlblogger- A girlblogger is a girl who blogs. Whisper girls call themselves this even though most of them don’t have blogs. Some people on tumblr use this moniker ironically, while the coquette/waif bloggers use it unironically.

Lana Del Rey- A very famous American singer who gained massive popularity in 2012 amongst the tumblr sad girls, but has seen a resurgence among the whisper girls. They literally worship her, and before whisper girls were a thing, this kind of community could be found on cherry emoji twitter.

Lily Rose Depp- The daughter of Johnny Depp. She’s a model… and that’s about it. But the whisper girls IDOLIZE her for some reason, probably because she’s pretty, definitely because she’s famous. She’s often used as the background of whispers. The ultimate nepo baby.

Moodboard- A moodboard is a collection of images meant to represent a single topic.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation- A novel by Otessa Moshfegh that femcels go gaga for. VERY popular among the white woman crowd. Often included in lists on how to be “That Girl™️”.

Nepotism Baby- Nepotism is described as the act of people in power giving jobs and fame to their friends and family simply because of their familiarity to them. A nepotism baby is a celebrity who’s famous simply because they’re parents were also famous. Coquette girlies love nepotism babies, especially if they’re models, and wish to be them. Notable nepotism babies: Lily Rose Depp, Emma Roberts, Dakota Johnson, Maya Hawke. Variations: Nepotism girls, nepo babies, nepo girls

Neopronouns- Neopronouns are what some people choose to identify with, instead of the traditional she/he/they/it. Examples: xe/xem, ze/zir, fae/faer

Red Scare: A podcast hosted by two random white girls who like to promote disordered eating and make fun of abuse. They’re very popular amongst the femcels

Subliminals: A genre of video on YouTube that claims you can change physically or mentally from watching a video that apparently has subliminal messages in the audio and images that are shown. For example: Weight loss subliminals, attract your crush sublimals, be a better student subliminals. They are VERY popular amongst the Pinterest whisper community, but they are very protected, and even the mere mention of them causes many whisper girls to comment: “Gatekeep!”. Note: This is a FAKE phenomena, akin to those weird tiktok reality shifting videos. You can’t magically lose weight by watching a video and doing nothing else. Variations: sub, subs

Taylor Swift- A heterosexual American singer that people on Pinterest think is gay for some reason. Because why would you want to support actual LGBTQ artists when you can project a sexuality onto your fave.

Thinspo- Images or tips that encourage eating disorders, usually anorexia and bulimia. A lot of people in the whisper community, and in the coquette/waif spaces post their thinspo under the title “waifspo”, since thinspo isn’t allowed on Pinterest. If you or anyone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, you can visit this website.

TikTok- A social media app where people can produce short videos of themselves or anything they want. The whisper girls HATE TikTok, which coincide with their hate for alts, since apparently a lot of alts are on TikTok? Whisper girls also hate popular TikTokers like Charli D’Amelio, and criticize her for being famous for doing nothing, which is funny since they idolize Lily Rose Depp and other nepo models.

Tone Indicators- Tone indicators are shorthand for words used to clearly state the intention of a persons message, usually added to the end of a sentence. They are mainly used for neurodivergent people, since it can difficult to try to discern people’s tone over written text on the internet. If you want to read more, here is a carrd that includes a masterlist of tone indicators. Examples: /s for sarcasm, /j for joke, /g or /gen for genuine.

Tradwife- Tradwives, or trad living/trad aesthetics are rooted in white supremacy. This is seen a lot on other social media sites, including Tumblr. They idealize traditional gender roles, strive to be the perfect housewife, and romanticize the 1950’s. Also, VERY Christian, but like, white Evangelical, although I have seen trad pagans, but that’s a whole other story. This group has infiltrated the cottagecore community on Tumblr, since some of the ideals, such as living off the land and living simply, farming and homesteading, is also shared by the trads. Those blonde chad wojack and blonde woman wojack wearing a blue daisy dress are often used as trad memes, stealthily sharing their conservative values as memes. Of course, they’re homophobic, racist, against modern society and ideals, against any religion that isn’t theirs, very anti-sex, and sometimes against interracial relationships. They’re conservatives. I’ve seen a lot of coquette girls posting about wanting to be a tradwife, but I bet like 70% of them don’t know the racist roots of this “movement”, although recently I have seen a lot of religious whispers. Trads often feel ostracized and that they’re rebelling against modern society since they hold traditional values and they don’t go clubbing or have casual hookups or like anything considered “progressive”, but they’re literally following what white Evangelical Christianity has deemed acceptable.

Waif- Literally means skinny. Kind of like a modern thinspo, as noted in the use of “Waifspo”. People who have waif aesthetic boards typically post delicate, feminine, more often than not white, and skinny imagery. Lots of pink and pastel colors. Very girly. Has spread to tumblr. Variations: waiftwt (waif Twitter), waifspo

Whisper- Whisper is an app where people can post private confessions over random images. It has gone through trends, from people posting earnest confessions (example: I cheated on my boyfriend and didn’t tell him), then making jokes and memes (example: “Can I juul inside?” Over a picture of Barbie), and then… think of 2012-era tumblr thinspo girls who worship Lana Del Rey and made it their entire personality. That’s what is popular on Whisper right now (example: “All my brain knows is Pinterest, calories, and Lana lyrics”). An emerging whisper trend I’ve seen lately is kpop whispers, but they aren’t as popular, and have seen pushback from whisper girls. Variations: whisper meme, whisper girl, whisper pinterest, whisper community

Whisper Girl- See above. Whisper girls are a community who post the newer type of whispers, usually tonally emulating coquette and waif aesthetics, sometimes bragging about themselves, idealizing thinness and youth and attractiveness, or just simply listing things they like. This community can be very judgmental and hostile, in my experience, but there are some nice ones that try to spread positivity. They idolize French culture, and dream about living in Paris or NYC one day. Recently, I’ve seen a trend in Russian aesthetics, which to these girls is white people dressed in furry clothes in the snow. Their icons are usually of a white celebrity or model, like Lana De Rey or Lily Rose Depp.

Feel free to suggest more terms you’ve come across!

[kai-isnotokay]

TW CALORIES/ANA SHIT

so here's my thoughts real quick. iced black tea w/o sugar? absolutely disgusting, therefore, in my experience, a great appetite suppressant. ofc, you can sweeten it if you like, but I hate fake sugars/sweeteners yet am also terrified of calories (and count them like I'm good at math or something). it's a problem, I know.

anyways, this shit is only about 3 cal/8 fl oz, which is like 11 cal/30 fl oz (that's a 900ml cup!) so I make a bunch of unsweetened tea, pop some ice in my travel cup, and drink this. like I said, it virtually tastes like shit but the ice makes it bearable so you aren't too disgusted/turned away, however it's bad enough that it'll kill your appetite. also nice when you get tired of water and have no access to monsters, low cal flavoring, etc. black coffee fucks with my digestive system too much, so this is a really good safe alternative. also, you can make a lot at a time. I just make it like I'm making sweet tea but skip the actual sugar.

it does get less gross after a while, but it still staves off a bunch of hunger (for me, at least). I find that it's really useful if I'm in a high-stress situation where there's a lot of food around me (enter my dining table, where my brother insists on keeping all his food out). it'll also give you some caffeine! a little tip would be to add sugar occasionally, just to get some into your intake a little more regularly, but I would be lying if I said that I actually followed through with that. just remember to be smart and keep a lollipop or something with you if you feel like fainting!

anyways, the tea lets me have something a little different while suppressing my appetite enough to spare me a binge and another mental breakdown (and also not earning any raised eyebrows from people). guys, you should not, by any means, restrict your calories like crazy. however if you are, I want you to stay safe! <3

[wouldyouliketobee]

MY SAFE FOODS

(~ * .° ♡ rated ♡ °. * ~)

• yogurt (20/10) i hqve a yogurt problem , found some where like a cup is 18 calories so im living my best life eating that shit

• rice cakes (8/10) i always loved them and surprisingly i love that taste of... i dont even know how to describe it, pairs rl gud with coffee and they are SO filling bsjsjkwnebhejw

• coffee (6/10) i LOVE the taste of coffee and it stops cravings like a mf buttttttttttt i die, like i get this insane anxiety high even with decaf and can't sleep at night for shit, so i avoid it

• gum (6/10) not verry filling but kinda helps with sugary cravings... tho i spend like 10bucks a week to aford my gum addiction :,)

• ciggies (3/10) like coffee they stop cravings but i hate the stench and, bc my parents dont know i smoke, theyre not always an option, also mega expensive and anxiety inducting

• watermelon (5/10) rl low cal and mega sweeet the big oof is that they are only available in the summer (i dont buy fruits n veggies out of season) and i always eat too much .... and end up feeling like shit

• tea (1000000/10) amazing perfect stops cravings hidration makes me pee a lot full tummy but i still feel skinny just ~♡

• boiled eggs (7/10) delicious, can eat with anything make me feel full, too full, fat but most times theyre fine

• instant noddles (9/10) most of them are low cal (around 200~) and make an easy tasty meal when i dont have time to cook, my only thing is that they arent verry nutritious... like no vegies or protein etc...

• pickles (10000000000/10) SO low cal and tasty, i eat BOWLS OF THEM like jesus and that crunchhhhhhhhhhh i love vinagre chips so this is the perfect alternative

• caned fish in general (6/10) i rl like fish and i love that they usually have many flavours n spices but im a lil sus of caned food in general bc of how u preserve most of it but some can be rl low cal and a legit meal. That being said i constantly carry with me a can of sardines for no reason i just need it to feel safe, its a specific can.. ig im saving it for a special occasion????? Idk maybe ill just eat ut someday when i dont have money

• sushi (2/10) i feel like sushi calories dont count wich is a problem bc they do... obviously. I feel like me and cold food have thing uk??? And bc sushi is cold its ok it has fried onion

• Bubble tea (-3/10) another biggy mega caloric full of sugar but it makws me feel alive and again cold

• Heat up spring rolls n dumplings (7/10) again quick meal and usually pretty low cal depending on how you cook it but again i dont rl trust food i didnt made from scratch bc of the shit they put in ut like so it has a long shelf life etc

• Lettuce onions n tomatos (10/10) filling delicious can be paired with anything and mega nutricious, qlso salad is a socialy acceptable low cal meal that i will eat everyday if i need to

• Chickpeas (7/10) the BEANS food group is verry rich in nutrients expecially protein and bc i dont usualy eat meat (even tho im not vegetarian) it ls a gud source of much needed nutrition, its a lil high call tho but pairs rl gud with fish (i heard black beens are guud too)

• Tofu (6/10) great source of protein and verry versatile cookingwise my only downgreade is that the soy industry is pretty shitty and u always gotta work so hard to get a gud flavor out of ittttttt

(Im thinking about rating my fear foods too :D uk... to no one bc no one sees my posts)

[fatbitchgoinghungry]

HOMEMADE 3 INGREDIENT CAULIFLOWER PIZZA CRUST

If you guys want a SUPER easy, tasty and low calorie alternative to normal pizza here you go. I tried it today and it was so easy and my mum even loved it (she hates healthy shit) The only ingredients are an egg, cauliflower and cheese!

[fangirlshrewt97]

Venom Meets Goose

For: @lurkerviolin. Chancy I wanted to have this done by midnight but obviously I missed the deadline by a long shot, but I hope you like this!

Author(s): Fangirlshrewt97

Fandom: Venom (2018); Captain Marvel (2019)

Pairing: Venom/Eddie (can be romantic or platonic)

Characters:  Venom, Eddie Brock, Goose (Captain Marvel)

Rating: Teens and Up

Warnings: Lots of swearing

Additional Tags:  Attempt at humor, Crossover, Crack-fic (ish)

Summary: What would happen if/when Eddie and Venom met Goose? My 3k take on it.  

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18429209

“Stop being grumpy. It’s lame.”

“I am not being grumpy, I am angry with you V.”

“Stop being grouchy then.”

“Venom!”

“Eddie, I already apologized for eating all the chocolate Anne got us.”

“Venom, sorry is not enough. It was my favorite kind of chocolate. And you said that even if I eat it, you can still use the calories and taste the chocolate. You also know that that brand of chocolate is my favorite and it is imported. So in conclusion, fuck you.”

“I didn’t know!”

“Bullshit! You live inside my freaking brain. How the hell am I supposed to believe you.”

“...I’m not a mind-reader?”

Eddie growled out loud with enough anger to have Venom doing the equivalent of curling into himself and sending a wave of shame through their bond. Eddie hunched in tighter into his coat as a cool breeze passed through the street. He knew rationally he was acting childish, but could you blame him? He was finally getting his life back together, and after a full year with his stupid symbiote, they had finally figured out they were it for each other. He was happier than he had been in a long while. But he was also more petty than ever. And bloodthirsty, but at least the latter could be wholly attributed to the Symbiote.

“So where are we going?”

“Why don’t you just read my mind?” Eddie bit back.

“Eddie…” Venom whined. And god, how disconcerting was it to have an alien who lived inside him whine. Venom didn’t even have proper eyes, but somehow managed to convey the feeling of puppy dog eyes. Eddie hated him.

“Fuck off parasite.”

“Eddie!” Venom yelled, hurt and pouting. Pouting. His 10,000+ year old alien significant other was pouting at him because he was scolded for eating Eddie’s chocolate. God, when had his life become so fucking weird?

“I’m not apologizing.”

“Apologize.”

“No.”

“APOLOGIZE!”

“Ok, jeez, fine. I’m sorry. Quit yelling, someone is going to notice.”

“Who will notice? It is past midnight on a Wednesday. Everybody who is sane is already in bed. And if someone insane catches us, what is the difference?”

“I….” The more Eddie thought about it though, there was a weird logic to Venom’s point. “Fine, even if there is no difference, I’d rather avoid drawing unnecessary attention. Neither of us have a great history with good luck.”

“Are you going to tell me where we are going?”

“No.”

“Eddie.”

“You are getting repetetive.”

“You are being stubborn.”

“Wow, great observation there V.”

 “What do you mean, no?

“I mean no, wanna hear it in Spanish? No!”

“Eddie!”

“Venom relax. We’ve been cooped up in the apartment for the past week so that I could finalize my article, and we just finished. So I thought we could celebrate by splitting open a certain box of chocolate. But since you already took care of that bit by yourself, we are just doing the second part of this celebration: going to the park for some fresh air.”

“Why are we doing this at midnight?”

“Because I finished the final edits past midnight.”

“Couldn’t the celebration have waited till tomorrow? You need sleep. Your seratonin levels are seriously low.”

“Low seratonin huh? Explains the depression.”

“Not funny.”

“I disagree. But anyways, do you really want to this tomorrow in the morning. In the sun. With a lot of other people?”

“It’d be a Thursday morning. There would not be a lot of people.”

“Still more than now.”

“Why the park?”

“Why not?”

“Because frsh air and going to the park are good for your health. And your history has been a tendency to often do the opposite of what is good for your health?”

“Oh you mean like accept an alien parasite into my body that tried to eat me from the inside out?”

“Eddie!”

Eddie just chuckled, sometimes Venom was just too easy to rile up. He started whistling as the two of them made their way to the lake in the center of the park, Venom liked to see the ducks. Well technically he liked to comment on all the different ways he’d like to eat them, but who’s paying attention to those details?

Eddie made his way to one of the benches on the edge of the lake, just before the bike path and sprawled onto it, spreading his legs and resting his head against the back of the bench.

It really was a quiet night for the city, if he concentrated he could hear faint sirens in the distance, and a screech from where a car skidded on the roads which were still slightly wet from the rain they had had that evening.

Of course, when does quiet ever last when you were part-time hero/part time human magnet for bad luck? Though in hindsight, no one could have predicted the shape this particular disaster was going to take.

Eddie was close to straight up dozing in the bench when Venom startled so bad Eddie spasmed off the bench and braced himself on the ground to ease the fall.

“V, what the fuck?”

“Eddie, Danger!”

Eddie tensed, eyes scanning the area for anything out of the ordinary. “Where?”

“I don’t know.”

“What? What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I just. Damn it, there is something strange in the park Eddie. I don’t like it, but I can’t … find it.”

Eddie took a calm breath to calm down because this was Venom we are talking about, he could feel everything. If something was able to avoid him, they were in such big shit. Damn it, Ann was going to kill him if he died in the park to an alien at 1 in the morning.

But before either could think of a plan, a meow sounded behind them. Venom covered Eddie and launched himself over the bench, mouth pulled back to reveal all his teeth, expanding to make himself look as big as possible.

There on the bench they had just been sitting on was a cat. Just a normal orange cat. It tilted it’s head at the sight of them, but otherwise showed no other reaction. Huh, most cats tended to flee from him when he was masked by Venom. They also had been avoiding him in general since he had bonded with Venom.

“Venom?”

“Yeah?”

“Please tell me that you are also sleep deprived. Because what other possible reason could you have for being so terrified of. A. FREAKING. CAT?”

“Eddie. That is not a cat.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That is not a cat.”

“Yes it is. Look at it. It is orange, it is feline shaped, and it is just sitting there.”

“That doesn’t make it not a cat.”

“What the hell else is it?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t like it. Can we please leave?”

“Are you telling me you’re scared of a stray cat?”

“Eddie shut up. Can we leave?”

“But…”

“Now.”

Eddie debated whether it was worth it to argue, but his exhaustion won out over his curiosity and he agreed. “Fine, let’s go home.”

---

It was almost 2 weeks before they saw the cat again, and Eddie was aware of each day of those two weeks because Venom was doing the equivalent of pacing a hole in the floor in his brain and Eddie was getting a stronger urge by the second to find a way to strangle his symbiote.

“Venom stop that!”

“Eddie I can still feel that strange presence around us. Something is following us.”

“Where? Even in the park all there was was a normal cat.”

“It wasn’t a cat!”

“What was it then?!” Eddie bit back, tired of arguing this point.

“Can we go patrolling tonight?”

“No, I have an assignment due soon.”

“But, please. Eddie. We will be fast.”

“No.”

Venom whined and then started doing his stupid ‘puppy-dog-eyes’ emotion vibe again and Eddie growled because as much as he did have to complete this assignment, he hated to disappoint his symbiote. Venom truly asked for very little. Didn’t mean he was going to go without a fight.

“Why do I keep you around?”

Without missing a beat, Venom replied “Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.”

“Fuck you.”

“I love you too Eddie!”

---

Their patrol that night was a bust, but Eddie knew it would be better to let Venom burn off that energy now rather risk Venom becoming restless again.

“V, stop complaining, it is a good thing that there are less bad guys!”

“You didn’t even let me eat one bad guy tonight.”

“That’s because the only ‘bad guy’ we saw today was a teenager trying to sell weed who pissed his pants the moment he saw you.”

Venom continued to grumble as they made their way to their apartment. He stopped when they reached their landing though, stopped abruptly enough that Eddie froze where he stood.

“What?”

“It’s in our house.”

“What?!”

“The same weird vibe from the park. I can feel that same energy again. Coming from beyond our door.”

Eddie swallowed before he nodded, tightening his hold on his keys and slowly turning the lock.

“Venom, mask.” Eddie ordered quietly. Venom slid over him slowly but completely covered him by the time their door closed behind him.

The two of them looked around the house for the intruder, moving cautiously though the apartment trying to identify the threat. Which was why they startled so hard they almost broke the coffee table they fell on when they heard a familiar meow.

“Ow, what the hell?”

“Eddie it is here?”

“V, how is that even possible?”

“It came in through a window!”

“None of our windows are open. Also we are on the third floor!”

“It’s a cat!”

“You just said it wasn’t.”

“It’s a cat that isn’t a cat.”

Eddie growled as he stood up, Venom having retreated back into him, and made his way over to the wall to flip the light switch. There on top of his kitchen counter, laying as though on its throne was the cat from the park.

Eddie approached the cat which was watching him lazily, one eye open as it swished it’s tail gently through the air. Venom was trying to metaphorically hold him back by the back of his hoodie, but Eddie just shut him down and kept walking till he was right next to the cat. The only acknowledgement he received was the cat turning its head to look at him with both eyes.

And yeah ok, this was definitely not a normal cat. Normal cats did not have eyes that looked 100 years old. Normal cats did not look like they could see into his very soul. Normal cats definitely did not have eyes that seemed to flash a different color. Eddie shook his head to make sure he had just imagined that.

Tentatively he reached out a hand and in full view of the eyes that were tracking his every movement, he laid it on the furry back. Venom had gone oddly quiet now, and Eddie didn’t want to think about it but it almost felt like the quiet someone has in a horror movie where they are quiet because they are about to scream.

Eddie started to pet the cat gently while Venom started doing weird high pitched keening noises in head.

“V, I don’t think she is too bad.”

“We need to give it back to it’s owner!” Venom said, voice higher than Eddie had ever heard it.

“Owner?”

“Yes! Look it is wearing one of those trackers.”

“Tra- Oh.” Hidden under admittedly magnificent fur was a thin collar with a round tag. Tugging it a little forward Eddie saw the word “GOOSE” emblazoned on it. He flipped the tag but the flip side was bare.

“Well so much for that idea. Is you name Goose kitty?” The cat started to swish it’s tail a little faster at the name. “Oh yes you are Goose are you. What a good kitty. How did you get up here though?” Eddie cooed as he started to pet Goose freely. Goose started to purr when Venom lashed out, a flash of inky black tendrils the only warning Eddie had before Goose was sent flying to the opposite end of the apartment and onto a wall.

“VENOM WHAT THE HELL?”

“Eddie that thing was preparing to eat you!”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”

“I JUST SAVED YOU!”

“FROM A HOUSE CAT?”

“FROM A FLERKEN!”

“A what?”

“That thing is not a cat, it’s a Flerken.”

“What is that?”

“An alien capable of taking any form and swallowing anything it wants to.”

“...Repeat that last part?”

“There have been rumors of a Flerken that once swallowed a small universe.”

“That is impossible.”

“Like having an alien symbiote live inside you that can heal any injury you have and which extends your lifespan considerably by virtue of being a compatible host?”

“...Fuck. Fine. We have a Flerken in the house. That could swallow us if it wanted.”

“It could swallow this whole building if it wanted.”

“That could swallow this building if it wanted. That you just threw into a wall. You knew what that thing was and you threw it into a wall. What if it is dead? What if it’s not. God Venom, you’re a dumbass for doing that.”

“Is that your way of thanking me?”

“No, that’s my way of calling you a dumbass.”

“I panicked.”

Eddie swallowed before approaching the corner of the room which boasted of a new dent in the wall. That was going to be a bitch to explain to his landlord. When he crossed the sofa that had been blocking his view, the cat was sitting on its hind paws, lickling one of its front paws without a care in the world.

“Good kitty, I am so sorry for my … Venom. He didn’t mean it. You didn’t mean it right V. V? Come on out. Tell the cat we are both very sorry.”

“No way!”

“V!” Eddie bit out.

Slowly, Venom’s head emerged over Eddie’s shoulder, looking as remorseful as it could. The cat- sorry Flerken had put down it’s paw and was now watching them intently.

“I’m sorry Flerken.” Venom said, tone filled with regret. Eddie wondered if the regret was for the action or for being stuck in this situation.

The Flerken tilted its head again before standing up and making its way to them. Both human and symbiote were rooted to the spot as the alien circled their feet before standing and bracing itself against Eddie’s legs.

Exhaling calmly, Eddie bent down to pick up the cat, trying to hold it as far as it could from him. The Flerken let itself be picked up, seemingly aware of how much they were afraid of it.

Once Eddie was standing straight again, the cat - well it grinned. Eddie didn’t really know what else to call it, but it’s eyes looked almost pleased, as if it had been testing the two of them and they had passed. Whatever the reason, he almost felt like collapsing from the relief that coursed through him.

The cat then lifted a paw and gently swatted at Venom’s disembodied floating head, causing the symbiote to yell and try to back away, knocking Eddie off his feet and sending then all falling and landing in a pile on the floor.

“Owwww.” Eddie exclaimed as he sat up, rubbing a sore spot on his back where he had landed. So much for a symbiote cushion.

“Sorry Eddie.”

“Venom can you just come out. This cat is not going to hurt us.”

“Yes it will.”

“I think you’re wrong.” Eddie shifted to look at the cat on his chest that was still looking at them and not moving. “You’re not going to hurt us right?”

Well, Eddie could officially say he knew what a cat would look like with an exasperated look on its face.

“See, it’s not going to hurt us.”

Venom carefully emerged again, still hovering. The Flerken hopped off Eddie’s chest onto a distance about 5 feet from them before opening its mouth and -

 “OHMYGOD WE ARE GOINGTOBE EATEN BYANALIEN CAT!” Eddie screamed as he scrambled to back away from the TENTACLES that were coming out of the Flerken’s mouth.

“No wait, Eddie. Stop.” Venom said, sounding reasonable. Which what the hell, up until this point Venom is convinced they are going to be killed by this cat and the moment when it seems like that act is going to happen, he is suddenly chill? What gives?

Without waiting for a reply, Venom masked Eddie, and leisurely put out tendrils of his own. Then the two met in the middle and did this almost weird dance thing before they came back to normal.

“What the fuck?”

“We are cool now Eddie.”

“What. The. Fuck?”

“Me and the Flerken made an agreement.”

“What?”

“You are being repetitive again.”

“Venom, I am confused. Explain.”

“The Flerken asked if it could stay with us for a while. I said ok.”

“That is not an explanation.”

“It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that it will be staying with us a couple weeks until its friend comes back for it. And it wants us to call it Goose.”

“When did all this communication happen?”

“During our tentable handshake.”

“Tenta- you know what. I’m too tired for this. Just tell it to stay out of the bedroom. I am going to bed.

“Goodnight Goose!” Venom called back, sounding stupidly cheery.

Eddie wanted this all to be over.

---

The weeks they had with Goose were surprisingly normal, the cat stayed out of their way for the most part, just following them out when they went on patrols, and on one memorable occasion when it ate a drug dealer that had kept shooting at Venom.

Venom had been annoyed at the missed meal.

The other memorable occasion was when Anne came by and found out the cat wasn’t a cat.

She had been rightfully angry. And scared. She had forgiven them eventually though. Thank god. They would be lost without her.

---

Eddie was almost sad when they came back from the apartment at the end of three weeks of cohabiting with a Flerken to an open window and a note thanking them for taking care of Goose, signed on the bottom by a M. Rambeau and an orange cat paw print.

Eddie had to buy a large chocolate box to console Venom who had grown surprisingly attached to the Flerken he had been terrified of. Eddie hoped they got to see Goose again. He had grown fond of the cat too, damn it.

… What even was his life that he was missing an alien with the ability to swallow universeres that almost tried to eat him too.

Maybe he should go visit that therapist friend of Anne’s…

 THE END

[flyingmustachio]

I just want a website that focuses on good, nutritious recipes without the assumed fear of gaining weight or being “unhealthy” or “bad.” I don’t want recipes that try to recreate “bad” foods with “healthy” alternatives. I don’t want “just-as-good-as-the-real-thing” pseudo mac and cheese with those weird no carb slimy mushroom noodles and eggs and weird shit in it to make it  sort of the right texture. Show me a recipe where the weird noodles are the feature and the ingredients play to the noodles’ strengths as a food. I don’t want “chickpea salad that you will barely notice isn’t chicken.” I want “HOLY FUCK GUYS EAT THIS CHICKPEA SALAD BECAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS!! What? Why are you bringing chickens into this? No it’s not a version of a chicken salad, it’s chickpea salad because chickpeas are delicious!” Like doctors and dieticians wonder why people shy away from a lot of nutritious ingredients, when all the while they’re trying to shoehorn them into dishes where they really don’t belong to try to convince people to eat them, when instead they could be saying like “Here are some fucking scrumptious new dishes to add into your diet. Your body will be happy with this quality fuel and your tastebuds will be happy to eat it.” Like, food is a really basic human need and taste is a very visceral sense. It’s absurd to expect people to choose what they eat for nutrition alone and completely ignore taste and joy. The solution isn’t to try to gaslight people into pretending they like food they don’t or pretending bad recipes taste better than they do, and then implying they’re of poor moral character when they eat “badly” more than they should. The solution is to make a variety of tasty, simple, satisfying meals made of nutritious ingredients the norm. It’s a bit absurd to expect people to keep high calorie/ low nutritional value foods relegated to “once in a while treats” when the foods they eat the rest of the time taste disappointing, and don’t keep them full. But if instead of “boring salad,” “chickpeas trying to pass as chicken,” “boring salad,” “MAC AND CHEESE BUT ONLY ON FRIDAYS!” people’s nutrition programs looked like “HOLY SHIT VEGETABLE STIR FRY I FKN LOVE BEAN SPROUTS,” “OMG SALMON NIGHT I LOVE IT” “GODDAMN THIS WEIRD NOODLE IS SUPER GREAT IN THIS RECIPE,” “FUCKIN MAC AND CHEESE WITH THE CRUNCHIES ON TOP!” I mean it’s easy to keep nutritionally crap, excessive calorie foods as once in a while treats when you’re genuinely excited to eat the nutritionally rich, calorie reasonable foods the rest of the time. Like I mean goddamn. Everybody talks all the time about how healthy Japanese food is and how one of the reasons they have so few obese people is the abundance of fast, healthy foods, but I really think the more important point people are forgetting is that in Japanese cooking  THE HEALTHY FOODS ARE AS DELICIOUS OR MORE DELICIOUS THAN THE LESS HEALTHY FOODS. I mean fuck, put some American, overcooked, nasty, boogery, flavorless green beans in front of a kid or some crisp, flavorful Japanese tempura vegetables and see which one they freaking pick.  We’re a particularly intelligent species of ape who got as far as we have by evolving to prefer foods with a certain flavor profile. Eating, hunger, flavor, it’s all beyond logic, it’s also instinctual. It’s kind of absurd to pretend that we should just... ignore taste, instead of finding a way to work with our bodies and our unique preferences that also takes into account our energy needs according to our energy output. It’s absurd that instead of being taught to like, listen to what our bodies want and need and eat when we’re hungry and stop when we’re full, we’re taught to just ignore our bodies more and more and do a bunch of math calculations for every single meal to see what we’re “allowed” to eat and only eat until this time and this far apart and it doesn’t matter if you like the food and it doesn’t matter if you’re not hungry yet or if the food doesn’t fill you up. None of this is normal or mentally healthy. It isn’t a moral failing to want to eat foods that taste good to you. Same with exercise. Unless you are in physical therapy for a specific issue that needs to be fixed, why the fuck should you be expected to just... move in ways that are boring and not fun or are even painful for you for hours and hours per week? That’s absurd. We know that movement and physical activity are necessary for a healthy body but GUESS WHAT? PEOPLE MOVE VOLUNTARILY AND GLADLY WHEN THEY DO SO IN A WAY THAT IS FUN OR FEELS GOOD! We should not encouraging people to “go to the gym 5 times per week even if you don’t like it at all and it doesn’t fulfill you and you feel super awkward and sad the whole time, because you have to to be healthy. We should be encouraging people to  MOVE YOUR BODY BECAUSE IT’S FUCKIN’ RAD AND IT’S GOOD FOR YOU AND IT FEELS GREAT!! YOU LIKE THE GYM? GREAT!! YOU HATE THE GYM? THAT’S FINE, THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKIN’ GREAT THINGS OUT THERE YOU WILL LIKE! MAYBE YOU’RE A SPORTS PERSON!! Like for me, I absolutely loathe the gym or sports or anything that feels timed or restricted, but I FUCKIN’ LOVE hiking and kayaking and sauntering around the neighborhood, and like, that’s just as valid! Like goddamn, valuing pleasure is not morally wrong, and health and movement and good nutrition don’t have to look just one way. But if people are only exposed to “healthy” foods or modes of exercise that they loathe, they won’t stick to them. Instead of putting them down about it, expose them and give them easy access to a larger variety of healthy foods and ways of movement, so everybody can find something they actually genuinely like. We seem to romanticize toil and masochism in pursuit of a goal in this country to a very unhealthy degree. We treat life itself like the pursuit of a goal, and we give up so many small pleasures to get to the goals we think we want but life isn’t a goal, it’s not linear. Like, sprinting is really hard on your body. Sometimes you have to sprint, and you have to ignore pleasure and emotional needs in order to survive, but nobody can sprint forever. Your body can’t safely do it. You can’t ignore happiness and pleasure and fulfillment indefinitely in pursuit of some undefined health goal. You will hurt your sense of self and your mental health just as much as sprinting for days would damage your knees and your lungs. Stop pretending sprinting through life is normal or healthy.

[tired-aliensoul]

Can I ask what sorts of foods you eat? Like not calorie amounts (I think you mentioned you don't count calories) or portion sizes, but I'm just curious.

The sky is the limit. I eat what I want to eat, except for meat. Jacked up my system so it can’t digest meat anymore, makes me sick. Greasy foods also make my stomach upset, but eh, cutting out greasy foods kinda helps in cutting down the shit in my bloodstream since I’m an on/off smoker. I’ve had a candy addiction in the past that I’m trying to overcome but candy is still a common presence, carbs are my best friends! I fucking love berries and green veggies and dried up fruits! Not a big fan of baked goods, though I do love baking for others. I don’t have a diet restricted to certain foods, I don’t have fear foods or safe foods. I don’t eat the shitty “100cal/low-cal” foods, i hate alternative sweeteners, they taste like shit. I mean fuck, it seems like everyone on this site would have a fucking panic attack if they ate what I ate at my worst. 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t know. From what I’ve gathered, my diet is the equivalent of what most people would consider to be “binge foods” or “fear foods”. Mimicking my food choices won’t give you the results you’re wanting. I am atypical aside from my restriction(though my restriction is not based on the same thing everyone else’s seems to be) I’ve got a method to the madness that is all mine and mine alone to indulge in or not. I’ve had a hella depressed day and I’m sorry if any part of this came off as rude. Just being real here.

[greentea-andthinspo-blog]

Fear Foods.?!

The following is a list of basically my “Fear Foods” 🤢

I am not pro ana, I do not promote anything. Everyone has Foods they dislike/ fear and that’s on them. Not me. And I can’t possibly push someone into looking at this, so.... 🤷‍♀️

//////////////////

No Bread - IT’S LITERALLY USELESS! Basically you’re just putting calories on top of calories to hold it together. If the food needs to be held together then just don’t eat it. I mean at least for me, 1 slice of Whole Wheat bread is 80 calories... It’s not very nurtitious either! Like honestly bread is not a necessity!

No more Peanut Butter or nuts in general - Though I hate this rule, it’s very much needed... 1 tbsp of PB is 95 calories. 95 CALORIES FOR SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT?!? Hell to the no! Plus I tend to overdo it with the PB and honestly it’s just more calories that aren’t needed.

No sodas! - I mean even diet sodas have a few calories. There’s no way to actually get rid of all calories, so instead 0cal vitamin water, fruit water, whatever. Just at least something that sounds healthier than soda.

Skip Pastas whenever you can! - Pasta has soo many calories! And again, calories added to calories if you add sauce and cheese. Let’s be real, until you get closer to your goal bland food is the way to go.

NO CONDIMENTS - Condiments have soo many added calories! And though sometimes they’re not that much, when you look at it altogether you really can’t afford to add those calories. It’ll make you a fatty! I mean except Relish, because if I’m eating tuna, I at least need relish if I’m skipping the mayo, just saying. (Includes: ketchup, mayo, mustard, things like that.)

Don’t drink your calories - that’s like a big no-no! What’s the point anyways? You don’t get any nutritional value. It’s just more calories! Now every once in awhile a glass of milk won’t hurt, or something to detox/ cleanse you. But not everyday. Just try to limit it, ok?

Sweets - Limit your sweets, try only low calorie stuff if you have a sweet tooth. Your body runs off of glucose and well sugar equals that... And if you have extra sugar in your diet well than, of course weight gain is to follow. So watch your sugar intake! (I’ll make another post with recipes and crap to try!) : ice cream, cake, icing, cookies, brownies, etc.

Avoid things like chips - They are supposed to be addicting! Don’t you understand? They want you to not be able to put them down! Go for pretzels (or other alternatives) instead, if they’re salty you may not be able to eat too much depending on your taste buds.

Limit Dairy! - It’s not that I have an actual problem with dairy, just keep it to a minimum. Things like cheese, milk, sour cream and cream cheese have lots of calories and all that crap. But yogurt is good so hopefully you’re into that!

Just food in general - Well I mean, it’s true isn’t it? Ig soup is good if you like that, but basically you should probably fear everything. Especially anything where there’s a lot of ingredients , calories added on calories just scares the shit out of me! Like sauces and dips though I love them, probably should avoid. I think as a meal try to get every food group in when you do eat, but make sure to keep it simple. Small goes a long way!

[wnb-bones]

safe food post :-)

These are my favourite low-cal safe foods, i’m not including fruit/vegetables/diet sodas/rice cakes because everybody knows about them and that wouldn’t really be helpful.

these motherfuckers!!

138 calories for one steak, 99 calories for 100g of ‘chicken’ pieces. really good alternative to meat if you’re worried about the cals.

cauliflower rice is my shit!!

29 calories for 160g + they come in portioned bags that you can steam in the microwave. they’re also really cheap <3 (yeah individual plastic bags suck for the environment i hate it too)

INSTANT SOUP.

god i love these, they’re all relatively low cal but the ones pictured are 36 (oxtail) and 44 (chicken noodle). so so good for when you just want to eat something savoury.

sugar-free jello pots :’)

these are a classic but i had to include them, they make me so happy. these are part of the ‘10 cal’ range but they’re only 7 calories each!!

almond milk is a godsend.

22 calories for 100ml :) this is so good if you take your coffee/tea with milk, wanna make a smoothie or just drink something that isn’t water.

yeah, more soup

this brand (The happy pear) is just so tasty and filling, being this low cal is a miracle. pictured are ‘carrot & butternut squash’ (41 calories per 100g) and ‘country veg soup’ (29 calories per 100g). they come in 375g containers.

that’s all for now!!

[seenashwrite]

Conversations With The Commissioner: Crappy Monsters In Barber Shops, a.k.a. Nash's First Headcanon + Wine = The Image I’ll Never Be Able To Top

@lipstickandwhiskey kindly thought to tag me when she saw a jovial post that reminded her of my disappointment in the lack of dinosaurs in the *alternate world and hoped to cheer me, but little did she know [mainly because I completely brain farted on posting this way-back-when] this had been addressed. In an objectively bizarre way. Admittedly.

FYI: Spit-take warning in effect, also cursing, should you choose to carry on

Preamble

* Dear SPN Writers' Room*: I'm not calling it The Bad Place, because I'm done with y'all ripping from other stuff, in this case, a beyond phenomenal show - hey! you do recognize carefully crafted season arcs when you see it! - even if y'all thought it was a homage, it's not since viewers of the show "The Good Place" already know about The Bad Place and it's not a physical nightmare, it's a psychological nightmare.

Pay. Attention. Stop ripping from well-known pop culture shit without (1) making sure the “homage” is used correctly, (2) double-checking that something similar hasn't been done before and, if so, (3) adding your own cheeky-sneaky spin. Not doing so makes you look, at best, like hacks, at worst, like doofy dipshits, particularly when it is from shows in your same genre - like a renowned show from the same fucking network that hadn't even ended their run but a year and a half prior to when yours started - and wrapping up *your* season with a title that was an iconic element from an iconic show [it was iconic, for several reasons, that's an essay for another time] which was the basis for everything from a/possibly *the* pivotal moment in the series and which was tied to many of the composer's pieces for the soundtrack, as it was a central thread. TV Tropes is your friend.

Tangentially related, while we're here:

[Shep as Romo Lampkin]

I digress.  

The Background

The Commissioner and I pop a cork, start talking about the Wayward pilot. We don't say a word about the scripting or the acting [because if we do, I go down a Dolly Deadeyes road, and nobody wants that]. Rather, we do a deep dive on the things that resemble other things and postulate how this came to be. Not in the minds of the peeps behind it, no, the dive comes via what the youths call a "headcanon". I've never had one before, I don't think, and I'm proud this is the first.

Oh, and a housekeeping side note: While my observations/the conversing began that night, the main convo/legit start on the image at the bottom happened later on. This has been run through the Nash snark filter for funsies, which is why the tone is the same for the whole conversation as, in truth, I have little clear memory of a lot of this, and the time taken for the assemblage of the image took longer than a conversation's worth, since the beginnings were sponsored by wine but it had to be done, it's how I combat insomnia and after seeing the monsters, I needed to purge my feelings of.... well....

The Beginning

After a verbal review (an accosting-of, really) of both Well-Coiffed Predator in a Bane Mask and Dollar Store Doomsday from the Wayward pilot, we begin discussing theories on how exactly this came to be in the alt world. Everything below is based on (a) the fact that New!Kaia's outfit denotes the presence of some sort of killa shopping and/or a hella talented Matrix-obsessed seamstress in the alt-world, therefore why not additional styling like a salon, and (b) the fact that we were lit on wine.

And the Predator rip - who, in the concept art, does not appear rippy-offy, it should be noted - got that mask somehow. He's either homaging Bane all over his face [his own face, not the other-way-'round] or he's gotten hold of one of the real things, modded it a touch to account for the spread of his general mouth region. Seems their temp name is the generic supernatural/folklore catch-all that I was vaguely aware of - "Canid" - and that some dude who's apparently of import on the show hates it, and I concur because all I can think of when I see the name is Candida. The Commissioner asked for a reminder, and I explained what that infection was and that now upon learning the creature’s name, I looked upon it as a yeast infection made sentient. The copious amounts of viscous discharge helps that along.

This then got a general science light bulb to pop, and we again consulted the googles, and boo-yah:

It's a dog. That. That up there, that I linked to. A daaaawwwwg.

No, not a if-this-is-a-dog-then-what-does-the-owner-look-like, maybe-they're-just-disgruntled-puppy-mill-alums type of WTF. The WTF is because I, once again, am wondering if at any point people over yonder are bothering to check shit out with this cool new thing called google. I know. It's a novel suggestion.

Somebody sure as shit used said googlins for squid beak - it's a touch birdy beak, but nah, slimy squid goes better with the aesthetic - and I guess they had to, as they already gave the far superior on the creepy scale pacu teeth to the Dollar Store Doomsday.

Because we were sneery and feeling gross at this point, we needed something fun, so we refilled on wine, and decided to make a mash-up image of the “inspirations” [to be clear: The Commissioner decided I should make a mash-up]. We were also feeling gross after looking at all that above, so for an eye sorbet, we needed some pretty, and STAT. We both instantly knew what would do the trick.

We start the conversation with Bane.

The Conversation

[looking at still from that Batman movie Bane was in; neither of us have cared to clarify which of the Nolan B-mans it was, because we don't care]

The Commissioner: He is so smooth, like, everything, even the fit of the clothes.

Nash: I'll never forget his turn as young Picard in that shit 'Trek movie, what was it called?

[we do not look it up; digression discussion of the awesomeness that is Sir Patrick Stewart]

TC: What's in his hand? Is that a riding crop? Or a shuffleboard thing?

N: Yes, exactly, Bane took a break from beating up Batman to shuffle. Nooooo. He got drug away from riding his horsey----

TC: YOU MUST MEAN HIS STALLION - if he rides horses, they are buff

N: ---to bring the mask, and is he pissed about it?

TC: No. No, because he is a dollbaby - he loves dogs.

N: You're mixing Tom Hardy with Bane.

TC: NO.

N: [realizing] BECAUSE THAT IS A DOG THING, THAT CREATURE IS DOG

[digression googles to look at pics/vids of Tom Hardy with pups]

N: Oh, no, wait - can we make it a putter? Like he was on his way to golf?

TC: But he still doesn't mind, because he's good guy Bane? And golf sucks? Oh hell yes.

[putter image sought; we go back to staring at Hardy, sip wine for untold moments]

N: And Preddie's all - Oh Bane, no! I couldn't possibly! Aren't these custom made? But he's gripping the shit out of it, like, pry it from my hands, bitches.

TC: And he takes a sniff when nobody's looking and swoons. *SWOONS*

N: Freaked-out stylist saw, though, and a touch of pee slips out, because it was weird before, but now shit's kicked off.

TC: Oh, she's already wet her pants at least once, absolutely. Do we need to add her?

N: No, she's in the bathroom.

TC: But you know who we should add.

[Image of 1990s Leonardo Di Caprio is immediately sought; we love the R+J still too much for words and select it with zero pause]

N: But why?

TC: You know he's gonna end up bopping  around to other worlds anyhow, and for Bane to be here, there must be other rifts----

N: Low-Sugar Low-Fat Low-Calorie Eye of Saurons?

TC: ----so they're babysitting.

N: THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE [gulp of wine]  Hey, you know who should be his foster parents if he’s bopping around to all points?

TC: Is it some side-character who's off-show at the moment? So we can get the show back to, um, Sam and Dean?

N: Chuck and Amara.

TC: You remember they're brother and sister, right?

N: [side-eye] Okay.

TC: They are. It's canon.

N: OKAAAY.  [stares at Leo] Alright, what are we having him do? Satan's crotch goblin?

TC: [possibly disgusted with me] Pencils.

N: YES I KNOW WHAT TO DO they need to keep him busy so they just keep giving him piles of pencils to sharpen, and he's distressed because there's no more and the sharpener’s motor burnt out.

TC: [touch of a spit take]

[we stare at the collection of images; it is a bitch to find a clear shot of a Pred sitting, but we need him in a barber chair; I will ultimately cobble it from three separate images; it was worth every goddamn minute]

TC: Okay, now what about that thing? The thing? Deadpool?

N: No he was something else, that's Reynolds. Deadshot? Wait, hang on.

[we watch the Bob Ross Deadpool thing, maybe twice, I have no idea]

TC: What'd you say?

N: I dunno.

TC: Me neither I just remember thinking you were wrong.

N: [looks it up, or we'll be here all week] DOOMSDAY

TC: Stop, stop, stop - didn't we also say Lord of the Rings cave troll?

N: I can't remember if it was me or somebody else.

TC: Do cave troll.

[we search]

N: Holy shit. He's in the club.

[image chosen; best one is of him pointing; I later add the touch of a framed photo of King Kong that's inexplicably hanging in the barber shop, also next to it a photo of Captain Shitty Render]

N: But Doomsday.

TC: Do it.

[image chosen; this was also a bitch, I had to blur and cobble and blend and hide part of his bottom half because ZACK SNYDER LOVES SHOOTING EVERYTHING LIKE WE'RE IN A DANK CAVE]

N: They're so glad Bane pulls through, because Preddy won't shut the fuck up about him.

TC: It's because his last boyfriend was garbage, keeps hanging out with humans, and Bane's loyal, like he was to that chick from Inception, like----

N: LIKE DOG

[the bottle is empty; we are sleepy]

The Results

I regret not adding an aquarium with a squid.

The Aftermath

Both TC and my Tumblr wife @butiaintgonnaloveem had reactions that can nicely tuck under the umbrella of [in concerned tone] Nash are you okay, like, is life beating you down somehow, this is crazypants which I appreciate from the latter, but as for the former I pointed out that they are my enabler/dealer/peer-pressurer in every bit of this.

There is no end to this post. 

[you-had-me-at-e-flat-major]

Hi Richard. This might be too personal, but I'm really worried that my friend has an eating disorder, and I was hoping you could give some advice on how to support my friend without being overbearing. Thank you.

Give practical advice. Sure, they might want to hear “you don’t need to lose weight” occasionally, but if you respond that way everytime they mention food, they’re going to stop talking to you about food, and end up suffering in silence. Instead, give them healthy, safe alternatives that will hopefully help them stop starving themself. (I’m presuming that you mean they have that kind of ED, rather than binge/compulsive eating disorder, where they eat too much rather than too little. If you mean they have one of those, I’m afraid I don’t know how to help.) What I mean is don’t force them to eat a chocolate bar just so that they don’t starve themself - if they say they don’t want it it’s because they know that they’ll feel like shit afterwards. Instead, give them an alternative like a high-protein low-carb snack bar that has similar, if not lower, calorific value, and tastes almost the same, but is a lot healthier. After all, it’s much better to be obsessed with getting a healthy ratio of proteins, carbs and fats than it is to be obsessed with taking in as few calories as possible. (Not just better for their mental state but also better for dieting in general, in the long term.) Also, don’t make everything in conversation about food, diet or EDs. Similarly, don’t hover over them like a drone making sure that they eat, otherwise one of three things will happen. Either they’ll start eating in front of you and never anywhere else, or they’ll refuse to eat in front of you as a mark of rebellion, or nothing will change but they’ll just start hating you. Instead, when you are with them, and food is involved, make sure there is a healthy alternative. This doesn’t mean that any time you go out with them or with your friend group you have to go to some hipster café that only serves kale and açaí bowls, all I mean is don’t go for a group dinner at KFC, otherwise either won’t eat anything or they will, but they’ll hate themself directly after eating it (even if they don’t show it). Instead, go somewhere like a gastro pub where people can indulge themselves with a juicy burger or a steak and ale pie if they want to, but there are also options for your friend with an ED (or, equally, for anyone, ED or not. Grilled chicken Caesar salads are fucking tasty) that are healthierbut are also enough food, i.e. not just having them order a small side dish.If you don’t know what exact ED they have, try to keep them occupied after they eat so that they don’t either go away and purge, or continue to binge now that their appetite has been awakened. Finally, if you are going out for dinner, we people with EDs really appreciate it when they can access the menu online in advance. Thanks for asking and well done for being a good friend 💕

[lids-flutter-open]

more character development for an evil teacher from my book under the cut, sorry if ur on mobile

 Okay tv show

 Open on JULES VERNON HOLMES, at home in his kitchen. JULES is 36, with thinning brown curly hair. He has a pinched look to his face, because he recently lost eighteen pounds in three months. He wears glasses when he teaches high school history, but he is not wearing them now. The kitchen is cramped and made of a series of brown uniform prefab cabinets. There are no dishes in the sink and the counters are clean except for a piece of buttered toast without a napkin that sits next to the sink with one bite taken out of it. A long garland of garlic and onions hangs over the window like a party decoration. It is dark outside, and rain spatters the glass. JULES is standing on one leg in his kitchen, bracing his hip against the edge of the formica counter while he scratches at his calf with his bare right foot. He is wearing underwear and a T-shirt emblazoned with the name of a diner. He is struggling to open a pickle jar.

The phone rings from the next room. JULES starts, and his hand slips on the lid. He looks over at the oven. The clock on the oven displays the time as 12:18. JULES glances in the direction of the next room and scowls. He runs his tongue over his top teeth inside his lip, and does not move towards the ringing phone. JULES puts new effort into opening the jar of pickles. Across the room, there is a framed group photograph of college-age men standing with oars on the bank of a river. It includes JULES sixteen years before, when he was a member of his university’s rowing team. He is smiling; his arms are larger in the photo than they are in real life.

JULES opens the pickle jar with a pop. The phone is still ringing. There is only one pickle and a number of garlic cloves left at the bottom of the jar. He digs into the jar with his fingers, stretching his hand, and puts a garlic clove into his mouth.

 EXERCISE 2

 Jules was caught again by the display of different kinds of canned soup. He stood with his shopping basket on the linoleum tiles and held two cans of tomato soup in front of his face, studying the ingredients. One had cream and one had milk. There was another can of tomato soup on the shelf before him that had lentils in it, too. When he was younger there had only been one kind of canned tomato soup in every grocery store, or two. There were eighteen different things in front of him, all with different caloric and fat content. Jules was paralyzed. He put the soup with cream back on the shelf, and then picked it up again. It had higher fat content. Jules measured his blood pressure every morning before he ate breakfast. He threw the can into the cart, thinking that it would be better to eat real food than to find some watery diet version and be dissatisfied and end up binging on chips and peanut butter in the middle of the night. He would get the low sugar juice to compensate.

A man approached Jules in the aisle. He was older, and wore a gray sweatshirt and gym shorts. His shoes were dirty sneakers.

               “Excuse me,” he said to Jules. “Sir I don’t mean to bother you, but I’ve got no way else to do this, my daughter has a baby at home and we’re here to buy formula but it’s 37 dollars and they don’t let me put that on my credit card and I’m out of my EBT for the month.”

               Jules, whose mind had been in an alternate dimension of calories and aspartame and ideal blood pressure, jumped when he realized the man was speaking to him.

               “I’m sorry?”

               “Sir, it’s like a thing at this store, they don’t let you buy the formula with credit cards because some people just charge it on a stolen card, and I don’t have enough cash, and my EBT is all out for the month. But we have a baby at home and we need the formula, we’re all out. It’s my daughter. I wouldn’t ask for anything normally, I’m not that kind of man. Sir, I’m a military veteran, I served in Vietnam.”

               “Uh,” Jules said. He was not sure whether to look at the man’s eyes or not. “I don’t know what you’re asking me. I don’t have a lot of cash on me. I can give you a couple dollars.” He remembered he had only a fifty and a ten in his wallet, and tried to change tacks. “I think there’s an ATM outside the store to get money from a bank account.”

               “I don’t get paid till Friday,” the man said. “I don’t have money in my account.”

               “Oh,” Jules said. “Well, that’s—I’m sorry. And your daughter doesn’t have cash either?”

               “She’s at home with the baby,” the man said. “I didn’t want to ask her to come. Her husband left her and she’s saving as much as she can. Please, I just have to buy some infant formula for her.”

               Jules glanced desperately back at the soup, and then accidentally made eye contact with the man. He hated the way it made him feel to think of moving away down the empty aisle. He looked in his wallet and dug in it. His fingers hesitated on the ten and then took the fifty and thrust it at the man. “Good luck, sir,” he found himself saying. He couldn’t look into the man’s eyes. Jules already felt the sweat dripping down his back and a pillow of guilt emerging in his solar plexus, simultaneously related to giving the man too much money and at the same time to not being able to look in his eyes.

               “Thank you, sir, god bless you,” the man said. “I’m Boris. My name’s Boris. You’re a good man, you know that? Thank you, this means a lot. I won’t forget it.”

               “It’s no,” Jules said, and stopped, because it really was a problem. “I’m Jules. I hope you’re okay and the baby’s okay.”

               “We’re all getting by,” the man said.

               Night came. Jules’ cupboards were lined with the cans of tomato soup. He took an Ambien to sleep and then wandered around the house, looking out the windows.

                  Jules is holding the receiver of the phone up to his ear.

               “How have you been, then?” Jules says into the phone. He is still wearing the collared shirt and tie he wore to work. The papers he is grading are spread out on the table in front of him. He wants to make the kids excited about the grimy parts of history and he wants to make them understand the reasons their state developed the way it did.

               “Well, after the crash I’ve been just eating like frozen dinners,” Michelle says on the other end. “My arm is in the sling and all.”

               “Crash?” Jules tries to remember anything about a crash from the last time he and Michelle talked two weeks ago.

               “Mom said she called you. She didn’t?”

               “No,” Jules says. “Well, maybe if I was at work, but she didn’t call back.”

               “You don’t ever check your messages. I got in a motorcycle accident, isn’t that funny? Okay, it doesn’t sound funny, but here’s the context: I ran into an ice cream truck that didn’t signal and I literally flew over the top of the truck into the street and there were like four kids staring with their mouths open and one dropped his ice cream. I love like the mental image of everyone’s faces, it’s gonna bring me joy till the day I die.”

               “Michelle! Jesus!”

“My boss let me have the time off, it’s one of the good things about working as a nanny for a nice family, there’s no regular hassle about taking sick leave cuz she knows me. She’s even giving me a week’s pay, which like, must be nice to be rich, right? She’s so sweet though, and the baby’s so sweet.”

               “I warned you about that motorcycle,” Jules says. “Didn’t you already crash on a motorcycle a year ago?”

               “That time was worse. I got thrown into a tree! I mean, I was on more a path than a road. It was dumb. This time it wasn’t my fault, the ice cream company is even gonna give me compensation maybe if I can figure out a lawyer.”

               “You could seriously die, Michelle. Just get a car.”

               “I mean, I may have to. For now I’m using Mom’s.”

               “How is she getting around? Are you driving with, what, a broken arm? Why does nobody ever catch me up on this shit?”

               “Because you’re like this,” Michelle says. “And you don’t call, either. If you called Mom once a week you’d know what’s going on with everyone.”

               “You know how I feel about Mom,” Jules says. “I know you’ve sort of mended your relationship with her, but I still can’t forgive her. Especially after how she treated you and Ed when we were kids.”

               “Whatever, Jules,” Michelle says. Jules can see her rolling her eyes. “She’s here now and who knows for how long we’ll have her, you know? She’s a good person. I know she and you fought last month again, but just let it slide. She is how she is, and anyway she’s a lot better now. She just has her weird manias sometimes. She didn’t mean it about the nose job. She’s working at a paper here, you know. Or a gazette I guess. It’s about seafood restaurants. She’s working and getting up every day and she’s a decent, pleasant person. You can’t hold a grudge forever. She has all kinds of fun friends now too from her weird weed group. They’re really fun, there’s this gay truck driver who drops in whenever he’s in the city and has a ton of stories.”

               “This is crazy. I’m not going to talk to her. You said last year—do you remember what you said? Do you remember Mima’s funeral?”

               “So she got a little drunk. You can’t expect her to be well behaved at her ex husband’s mother’s funeral.”

               “So why did she even go?”

               “She just likes to have some fun. Like me. She’s just a little more messed up. Think about it this way, Jules, at least she left Scientology. Imagine if she’d stayed in it and we’d been raised like that. She’s gonna deal with this stuff the rest of her life but she’s like, in general a functional person. And she paints. It’s nice to have a mom who paints.”

               “She paints aliens.”

“How are your students? Are you teaching them about how to be good little mini George Bushies?”

“Michelle, so, I’m going to get off the phone now. I have papers to grade and I’m not having this conversation. I will say that I love you and I am asking you to please get a car, or take the bus, or something. I’m going to have nightmares about you on that motorcycle.”

“I could get a little quad. You know, four wheels.”

“Are you able to shop for yourself? Do you need anything?”

               “Jules, we’re really all right here.” Michelle takes a thin breath and Jules hears her exhale and imagines her smoking a cigarette on the balcony of his mother’s apartment in Seattle.

[basically-queenberyl]

So I made this iron-rich vegetarian soup for dinner because I HATE taking pills and it’s a struggle for me to take my supplements. I’ve tried this before where I made a BIG ASS pot of this soup when I was so deficient that I felt really weird and by the time it was finished at the end of the week, I felt like a person again haha. There’s a lot of preparation and ingredients, but it’ll make you feel amazing! I thought I would share the recipe. Now, don’t be alarmed:

1 can Navy beans

1 can Kidney beans

1 can Black beans

1 package Firm tofu

1 Acorn squash

2 handfuls of Lentils

1 Bok choy (or equivalent amount of baby bok choy)

1 good sized Leek (or equivalent)

1-2 handfuls Fresh green beans

~1 dozen White mushrooms

2 handfuls of Quinoa

2 Yellow potatoes

2 handfuls of Whole wheat pasta

Crushed red pepper flakes

Some limes (for bowl toppings) - this is essential

The carbs are healthy and the pasta is whole wheat, so it has fiber and protein. They are not the enemy, they will keep you satiated longer. This is a fiber rich meal and you will shit your whole life out lol. These are whole foods, so low cal (by my standards) for all the benefits you’re getting. Worst case scenario: 350 calories in a standard sized bowl. Calories in 2 slices of pizza? 570 cals. And who tf only eats 2 slices of pizza? This soup is way more satisfying and satiating. VERY worth it, imo. It’s balanced, it’s not a bag of chips.

Preparation:

Fill a big ass pot about 1/3 full with water, then throw in the peeled chunks of acorn squash. You want them fairly big, like half the size of the palm of your hand. Boil the absolute shit out of them on high temperature until you’re able to smash them with a sturdy spoon (or alternatively, until soft enough to blend, although not as good because you destroy the fiber). Then reduce temperature to medium heat.

Chop the bok choy, leek, and mushrooms as desired. Add to the pot.

Rinse the quinoa and lentils well, add to the pot.

Pour all 3 canned beans into a strainer, rinse well, let drain, set aside.

Peel the potatoes, chop in fairly large pieces, add to the pot.

Chop the green beans, add to the pot.

Chop tofu in fairly large pieces, set aside.

Add pasta, let boil for directed amount of time.

Add canned beans and tofu, heat until everything is warmed, then turn burner off.

Season with salt and crushed red pepper flakes.

Serve, and top individual bowls with juice from half a lime. This is essential for maximum iron absorption. This is the point of the recipe!

Benefits of this soup:

Lots of iron-rich ingredients

💥*Vitamin C increases iron absorption*💥 (crushed red pepper flakes and lime juice). This is important.

Potassium-rich ingredients plus adding salt means you get important electrolytes

Vitamin C is also good for your skin

Soup = water which is good for your skin and digestion

Fiber rich

Protein rich, which keeps you stay satiated for longer

Takeaway:

If you’re iron deficient and eat this twice a day until it’s gone and you’ll feel fucking fantastic