#i hate our dissociation

[je-doute-donc-je-suis]

Gods dammit, opened our plural notes, and there's someone who fronted and left short notes of thinking they were someone the 4th of this month. We have no memory of this

Looked into pluralkit and there's no front during those days, or a new member entry

They didn't dig down enough to identify and add themself to the app. And the notes are way too short and vague for us/me (whoever or whatever the fuck i am) to make that entry for them

We don't know who they are, and they don't know either. So they probably won't be able to read those and think "oh that was me" the next time they front

Hell, i could be them right now...

[scatterpatter]

Our brain can have VERY different ways of forming fictives, I've learned :/

[thosecactussharks]

Sometimes I genuinely hate that I have a disorder where I take things literally.

Especially when that's intersectioned by CDD spaces where a lot of the descriptions of dissociation are hard to relate to, despite having several periods of time where strong dissociation is the only explanation.

And it's not even necessarily because I can't relate to them, it's just that my brain gets caught on the literal wording of that experience and immediately thinks that I can't experience that because I don't feel that specific way.

Does anyone else reading this feel the same?

Because I hear descriptions like feeling like you're outside of your body or over the shoulder, and I never feel like I experience that in real time. It only happens with memories, where a ton of those are in third person.

There are periods of time where I want a certain drink, but my brain fights to find the right word because several different parts of me want a different drink, even though I know that I want the specific drink that my brain suddenly can't recall the word for.

Honestly, I feel like 90% of my dissociation happens without me being able to cognitively recognize when it's actively happening, and I only realize after looking back that I remember maybe the bare fucking minimum.

And I dunno, maybe I've just been dissociated for so much of my life that it's so normal to me that I don't even know it's dissociation. It's really hard to parse what is and isn't normal when you 1) are neurodivergent and 2) see your normal as normal.

If any of you out there have any other descriptions of what dissociation can look like I would love to hear them, because that's the only way my brain will get over the mental block / confused phase of trying to understand.

[katetorias]

yes a sense of unity and collective “You” is good for systems to have but why are some people on this website acting like letting alters have individual sense of selves is going to tank your chances of recovery. denying parts their selfhood would involve not listening to them, accommodating or helping them feel happy (which is really hard to do as part of a system!!! for obvious reasons!!!!!)

forcing them to consider themselves just one person when their lived experiences do not match up with that is literally making things worse. some systems feel like they have been just one person their whole life, some don’t! some systems are very differentiated from each other, some aren’t!!

systems are as uniquely individual as literally every person on earth! everyone on this planet has lived different lives from each other and in turn will experience the same things differently from one another. that is like a very simple thing to grasp. it is very easy to not be ableist.

[stellichor-system]

Frantically sifting through the brain for alters that can have a reasonable response to things™

[wakeywakeyjakey]

I'm 35,000 words into writing a longfic about the Batman/Bruce/Matches DID system and I'm obsessed with it. It includes Bat/Joker, Bruce/Harvey, and Matches/Harv and the differences in each of those dynamics is 🤌

(Batman and Bruce know about each other but they don't know about Matches and Matches doesn't know about them--what could POSSIBLY go wrong?)

[one-voice-of-many]

Something that stinks about being a system is it feels like you can’t do anything permanent 

[i-have-too-many-names]

I think it’s funny that i personally can’t go into a church, and I usually won’t explain why

I want to convince you that I’m actually a vampire and it will kill me, but no. I have a fuck ass alter named Archimedes who is a fusion of DSMP!Wilbur Soot and AM from IHNMAIMS who’s only job is throwing up and being a fucking bitch about abrehamic religion

ALSO HIS NAME USED TO BE HUBRIS BUT THEN HE WAS JUST LIKE “nooo i wana sound all cool and InTiMiDaTiNg Hubris is too much of a nonbinary highschooler name euuugghhhh” like fuck you man. Shut up.

Like no Hubris, you’re not god. You share a body that is hosted by a 16 year old trans gay kid named after a writing tool, with like at least 3 versions of Sans the Skeleton, too many Tommy inits, and a down right concerning a out of Scopophobia Studios characters. Get over yourself.

[voidkat-system]

I don't think I've ever seen any posts about the difficulty and guilt of having a partner when you have DID (or really any mental illness honestly) I love my partner so so dearly and I have gotten to a point where I trust they love me back. Even though logically I have trust that they mean it when they say they love me it doesn't stop the fear creeping up, the fear that eventually they'll have had enough and decide its time to end it with me. Quite honestly it's my greatest fear because I love them so deeply and know that I'll never be able to form a connection like ours ever again. I love them, and I wish I could always act like I do. One of my alters doesn't like them very much, and some of our alters are very sensitive and have a tendency to overreact, and these things force the body into being very emotional, scared, and at times uncaring. And the fact that they have to put up with all of this feels so unfair to them, they don't deserve how poorly I treat them at times. I want to show my adoration for them and be kind to them always, I want to love them so that they keep loving me

[littlest-bugz]

Dissociative barriers have been high as fuck for a minute, and when I feel like talking abt it w/ my friends, I feel like I just shouldn't iykwim. Like they don't need to hear it.

[pure-koison]

Today started out so good why the fuck did it need to 180 on me. Fuck off.

[scatterpatter]

So I made a sketch comic- sort of a vent, I guess? Mainly about plurality, and feelings on a past abuser and the lingering trauma, all to a part who didn't experience the trauma for himself... But realized it could be quite triggering so heed the following warnings!

Mentions of trauma and abuse (nothing explicit), showing alters in distress from the trauma

Speaking to the abuser in second person, in a very personal context (ex. "You did this to me" language). This comic is not targeted towards any of my followers/mutuals/anyone who sees it, but if you are easily triggered or otherwise made uncomfortable by the very personal language usage, please skip and know this is not targeted towards you

Eye contact and unsettling eye imagery

Brief blood imagery and mentioning wanting to bring harm to an abuser

All under the cut, proceed with caution!

I want to make it clear: We are okay, I just wanted to express my personal feelings on dealing with one of my system's traumas.

And for legal reasons: I do not actually wish to harm anyone, and have no intentions to do so. I harbor malice, and went a bit harsh on the imagery/language used to depict my malice, but our system is safe and we don't intend to bring any harm to anyone, regardless of how they harmed us

... Also if you got this far, bonus doodle of how me and one of my alters is now unwinding, to bring the positive vibes back <3

[thattheater-kid]

Low split tolerance and still kinda going through some shit system culture is:

“Oh no, something moderately shitty happened! I hope this doesn’t cause a- and there it is.”

[is-that-plural]

The Digimon Kaiser is plural-coded! Spoilers but once he realizes what he did as the Digimon Kaiser and "goes back to who he was before" he falls into an amnesiac dissociative state, he can't remember his past, he isn't sure of who he is or where he is, he can't even recognize his parents properly. His backstory is full of things that could cause a dissociative disorder, unhealthy relationships with his parents, trauma regarding the death of a family member, being manipulated by an external force into becoming a new person with a new life, etc. His whole arc is about overcoming his traumas and collecting the fragments of his identities and putting it all back together into a better person to make it all up for what he did as The Digimon Kaiser.

!! rating: that sounds plural to me!

(sorry for the quality ;; + lmk if you wanna submit better images <3)

"Ken is a sweet boy, very kind and polite towards others. He became a Chosen Child to fight a threat to the Digital World several years before the other Chosen. He is haunted by the death of his elder brother and everything he did as the Digimon Kaiser.

Ken's Digimon Kaiser persona is cruel, cold, and sadistic, enjoying nothing than causing pain to others and seeing them suffer. This persona was fueled by a corrupting Dark Seed planted in the back of his neck."

[thatbitch151]

The wild thing about DID is that like. Siffrin from ISAT is in our brain. He is a co-host. He is one of the most mentally healthy people here. And not as in everyone is so bad that their issues seem small, I mean that his ass is genuinely like, fine??? And they’re the newest addition too so idk how they were fine like immediately.

And then we have fucking Freddy Fazbear in the Forest somewhere (and the Forest is also both a place and it’s own alter. I don’t question the Forest. It scares me). Idk what’s going on with him and I’m too scared to ask

And for some reason our Kaminari fictive and Aizawa fictive merged and now they run this place. What a WILD combo what the fuck

Our brain is a weird ass place

[puddle-turtle]

actually continuing the pluralposting for a moment i am so sick of how isolating this shit is, mass media sucks but we're all used to that. i am so tired of how isolating this disorder is in communities that are supposed to be full of people who get it. i am so tired of seeing fights constantly and feeling like every experience i see is similar and yet not something i even slightly relate to. i know similar people flock together and will find comfort in that and i am gen happy for everyone it works for but my heart goes out to everyone like me who goes into online spaces looking for support or people they can relate to and instead leaves feeling more confused and isolated than before