#but our parents would also still see the money sent to the doc

[je-doute-donc-je-suis]

Gods dammit, opened our plural notes, and there's someone who fronted and left short notes of thinking they were someone the 4th of this month. We have no memory of this

Looked into pluralkit and there's no front during those days, or a new member entry

They didn't dig down enough to identify and add themself to the app. And the notes are way too short and vague for us/me (whoever or whatever the fuck i am) to make that entry for them

We don't know who they are, and they don't know either. So they probably won't be able to read those and think "oh that was me" the next time they front

Hell, i could be them right now...

[fandomlovingfreak]

Glacial Passion (5/?)

Regulus Black/Reader

Rating: SFW, T+

Trigger Warning: Arranged Marriage

Word Count: 1998

MasterList Link I AO3 Link I Wattpad Link

Summary: Glacial, cold, icy… all words that described Regulus Black’s grey eyes. Was there truly no emotion behind those eyes, or did a caring man exist beneath? Could she defrost those glacial eyes?

Disclaimer: Regulus Black (Walburga Black, Orion Black, and Sirius Black) is a character from Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling. Reader or y/n is not owned by Rowling. This work has not been created for profit or financial compensation, and is a transformative fair use work in accordance with Section 107 of the United States Copyright Act.

Notes: My only note is that the characters in this fanfiction do some questionable things. This does not at all reflect my personal morals or anything I would do (and certainly hope you would not do). Please don’t read this story if you can’t separate fiction from reality. Fanfiction is for entertainment and should not be something that teaches you to be or act a certain way. Thanks!

Enjoy

***

Regulus is met with silence when (y/n) climbs into their bed after the fight and more silence when she doesn't acknowledge him in the morning, dressing silently before sitting on the balcony with her book.

He glances out of the glass door, watching her devour the words on the worn book. Sighing loudly, he looks back towards the parchment on the desk. He didn't exactly know what to say to Sirius. He knew he wanted his older brother to know about the developments his life had taken in the past month, but how do you complain without sounding entirely pathetic? Especially when your complaining was truly aimed at your own actions and attitudes. Sirius would love (y/n); he was sure he would. In a way, (y/n) sort of reminded Regulus of his brother. She was so adamant about not following the rules that people like them followed. Obviously, she hadn't been able to escape Pureblood society the way Sirius had... He doubted, though (y/n) would have tried. It had to be harder to be a woman in the circles they found themselves in. He honestly couldn't imagine living at the level she was expected to.

It's not like he had any special freedom from the constricting nature of their society, but he could do many things she couldn't while still maintaining his reputation. He could have affairs, he could (but personally wouldn't) abuse his spouse, he could even live separate from her without causing a stir. All these things happened within marriages like their own, and only the women seemed to be ruined by their actions and the actions of their husbands and fathers. 

Regulus picks up his quill, intending to finally start this blasted letter. Where does he even begin?

 Sirius,

I do not have any great excuses for my lack of communication, other than the last month, which has been one of the most hectic of my life. I am unsure what you have heard. I doubt you have a full picture of what my life has become, as I would hope you would reach out to congratulate your younger brother on his recent nuptials if you had heard. 

My new wife, (y/n) Black née (y/ln), apparently checked off the boxes our parents found necessary for the next Mistress Black. Funnily enough, though, I'm not sure they did much research into who she is as (y/n) could hardly be considered the traditional Pureblood bride.

But that is hardly a bad thing; if anything, I find her refreshing, if not a bit maddening at times. I had been somewhat afraid to have a meek and mild wife who would cower under my gaze. (y/n), despite being brought up similarly to us, she seems to have developed her own personality outside of Pureblood society. She isn't bitter or greedy like the other girls. The only piece of jewelry I have been able to give her without argument has been that horrible engagement ring-- you know, the one from mum's side. She doesn't want the things most of these Pureblood girls want. Jewelry and expensive things don't seem to make her happy the way mother said they would.

Even as she is different, I have this ever-increasing fear that I might drive her towards the other's level of bitterness and unhappiness. I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what I am doing with women; this fact has not changed in my marriage. It's become even more apparent that I haven't a clue how I should behave as I've been forced into this relationship.

It has also become clear that Mother's advice has been shit, as every attempt I've made with my bride has been met with annoyance from her. I can't seem to give her what she truly wants. Embarrassingly enough, what she talks of-- craves from me is some sort of romantic connection. This is something I hadn't planned on in an arranged marriage, and I'm not sure if I will be able to indulge her without a bit of deceit. 

Which I would feel horrible for doing-- pretending. 

Last night, like many nights in recent weeks, I found myself in an argument with my wife over this exact topic. Something she said triggered a memory, hopefully, a memory that you have a recollection of as well.

Do you, brother, have any memories of our dear mother when she was-- well, motherly, to say the least. Warm and loving, as a mother should be. When she would admit to us in hushed tones that the love we showed her was the replacement for the lack of love between Orion and herself?

During the heated exchange with my wife, I was struck with that strange memory, and I realized deeply and uncomfortably that I was in the early stages of pushing my own wife towards becoming our mother. Something, I realize now, I cannot allow to happen.

Pushing this girl towards unhappiness when she was forced into marrying me by her parents is unacceptable on my part. I'm completely aware that it is me who is making us miserable. I should be happy, or at least satisfied enough in the marriage to indulge her, to try. (y/n) is beautiful, everything a man could want in a wife. And I do want her. 

Yet, I do not know how to want her the way she is expecting me to. And, I have to reiterate that I don't know how to even-- fall in love, I suppose.

Through my woeful letter, I hope you see a solution to my dilemma. Or at least can offer advice as I have no idea which direction I should go at this time.

Sincerely,

Regulus places his quill to the side, reading over the content of his letter. At times, he sounds like a pathetic child whining, but he hopes his brother can see he sincerely wants his advice.

Very much requires any advice Sirius may have.

None of Sirius's advice could be helpful on the trials and tribulations of marriage per se, but if anyone had experience in relationships, it was Sirius Black. Sirius, who wooed and flirted his way through life, would know exactly how he would be able to win (y/n) over and hopefully form a romantic relationship with her.

Slowly, Regulus gets up from the desk, taking his time to cross the room. Opening the glass door to the balcony, he pokes his head out. When (y/n) doesn't look up, he clears his throat.

She freezes, slowly lowering the book enough for their eyes to meet, but doesn't say a word.

"I'm going to go to the lobby to have this posted." Regulus feels the light pink of embarrassment on the tops of his cheeks.

(y/n) nods once before giving her attention back to the blasted book. Regulus's lips pinch before he shuts the door a bit louder than necessary.

Much to his annoyance, the banging noise doesn't seem to faze his wife. 

He stalks down to the library in a mood, the letter to Sirius gripped tightly in his right hand.

A young witch greets him, asking if he needed any assistance with anything.

"I require an owl. I have a very urgent letter that needs to arrive as soon as possible."

"Okay, if you'll follow me, we can get your letter sent." The witch leads him up to the rooftop, showing him the hotel's fastest owl.

***

A sharp knock on their suite's door startles Regulus, who had been reading the Prophet to pass the time. He gets up off of the room's couch, opening the door to an older gentleman.

"Mail delivery, Master Black." The old man hands him a hastily folded piece of parchment addressed to him in Sirius's messy excuse for handwriting.

"Uh-- thank you." Regulus digs in his pocket, pulling out money to tip the man. They exchange the items, and Regulus hurries over to the desk. Hurriedly, he breaks the wax seal and opens the letter.

 You got married?

Ah, yes. His ever eloquent brother didn't even bother to address the letter, jumping right to the point.

Regulus reads on...

You got married? And I didn't even get an invitation? I'm sort of hurt, but yet again, mum would've been pissed if I showed up. How fun would that have been, though? Me crashing your wedding in my Docs and my worn Led Zeppelin shirt. Mum would've freaked.

We really missed an opportunity, Reggie.

But, wow. You married. That's wild. And she's a bit wild as well? How did you manage to end up in an arranged marriage with what seems like the most unique of the Pureblood lot? Besides me, of course.

I'll have to meet this fascinating (y/n) (y/ln)-- or should I say (y/n) Black? Weird-- I have a sister-in-law. That feels too grown-up and stuffy.

Maybe it feels wrong, mostly because you never dated anyone, or at least anyone I knew of.

The point you made about you knowing absolutely nothing about women is incredibly accurate, I'm afraid, Reggie. The poor girl, I hope you haven't been ignoring her like Orion does to Walburga. But, I'm almost certain that you have been sort of an ass to her by your letter.

You want advice though, do you now, little brother. Here is my advice to you:

I have dated plenty of people in my days-- plenty. If you truly wish to make your wife (what the hell that is so odd to write!) happy, Regulus, you need to get to know her. 

Ask her questions about her likes, her dislikes. What her childhood was like, who her friends are. Even silly things such as how she takes her tea or what she grew up wanting to be as an adult. But you must be prepared to be vulnerable and answer questions she has for you as well. If you can't open up and be vulnerable, you will never be successful in 

A) forming a "romantic connection" with (y/n) and 

B) falling in love with your wife. 

I hope that I have been helpful. My advice is simple, but knowing the woman you promised to spend eternity with is necessary to live a peaceful life. Maybe the whole "happy wife happy life" saying is accurate. Not like I would know, but still.

As for the memory of Walburga you brought up, I do remember instances like that. I hadn't thought about those instances in a very long time. I hope you are successful in your attempts with (y/n). I would hate to see another woman turn out like our mother.

Your brother,

 P.S. Take your wife out somewhere romantic! For Merlin's sake, Regulus. You have to have some romance somewhere hidden within you!

 ***

Regulus decides there's no better time than the present to follow Sirius's advice. Unfortunately, he already used up his one "romantic" idea (really Orion's, but still) with their disastrous dinner the previous night.

His only option would be to find a local who would know of spots he might take his wife to. He reckons the logical locals to ask where these locations would be are the hotel's staff.

The same witch that helped him with the owl still sits at the hotel's lobby desk. She grins widely when she notices he's walking towards her, "Oh! You're back!"

Regulus controls his mild annoyance with the woman as she bats her eyelashes foolishly.

"I wonder if you know any places around the city that you recommend for honeymooners?"

The girl's face falls slightly before she's grinning again, "You're on your honeymoon?"

"Yes, you've probably seen my wife with me," he says, asserting that he does have a wife and that the girl shouldn't get her hopes up, "I'd like to take her out this afternoon, but I'm afraid I know little of the spots couple's usually visit around here."

The witch thinks for a moment, "I think I have a perfect place in mind."

[chemicallady]

Daddy is home

Greg Sanders x Reader

A/N: Thank you everyone for reading this. If you want some fluff with just a little sadness, you're in the right place.

Couple: Greg Sanders/Female!Reader

Category: Mostly fluff with a little piece of angst. Family slice of life for Greggo.

Content Warning: none

Summary:  Reader is use to feel Greg absence.... but what about is own children? And Greg? What's more important? His job or his family?

*****

You are use to feel Greg absence, almost every night and, sometimes, even for days. It wasn't a big deal when you two started to see each other. You were a grad student, looking for a PhD out of town - searching for a new experience- and he was a lab tech at the crime lab in Vegas. Your relationship had worked for 5 years while you were in Salt Lake City, even if you constantly missed him so much and viceversa. He spent a lot of utahns weekends at your apartment and you came back in Nevada for every break.

After your PhD graduation you came back to Vegas and he proposed to you. It was an hard time, Warrick was dead, he had printed is first book on Vegas history and you just settled down at UNLV. You had lived togheter two months and then he proposed. Of course you said yes and the two of you had a small cerimony at the Eclipse, Catherine's casinó. It was an intimate cerimony, with your friends and co workes and relatives from Norway and (your hometown/country.)

You had worked hard on your post doc as a teaching assistant and a researcher and he has continued his job as a csi. You have always prefered working at night the days you didnt have any class, in order to be awake when he came back home in the morning.

It worked since you discovered that you were pregnant. Both of you were so excited to become parents, it has always been something that you desire, having your own kids. Start a family.

After Bjorn birth, by the way, everything changed. You have started to work in the morning and sleeping at night in order to provide the best standard of living for your son. And, after two years and half, Jodie came to the world, complicating thing but coloring your life even more.

You constantly miss Greg, of course. You miss your youth with him, the mornings spent in making love with jazz music in the background before a lazy afternoons sleeping in his arms. The days he came to the University after job to pick you up.

But both of you love your family.

It's stil working.

Because you love him and Greg loves you more than anything.

More than that, he is born to be a dad. He was scared as hell, but he perfect fits that role.

Even more, he is methodical.

He is really good in keeping job separating from his personal life, even if his coworkers are his family. And yours as well.

☆

...But is hard for kids to understand why dad is never home. Especially for Bjorn, who is the eldest. He has started to notice this situation in the last weeks and you have been scared of this moment since you gave birth to him.

《 Why daddy can't come today?》

You look at your baby boy, feeling really sorry for the whole situation. It is his first baseball match with the pre school team as a player in the field from the first minute and it means a lot to him.

Bjorn's really smart for his age, he understand that his parents jobs are important because is a duty... But is natural that he feels so betrayed. He is still too young to even imagine how demanding is Greg's job.

《Because daddy has a case》, you try to explain with a soft voce, caressing his blonde hair with two fingers. He seems totaly like his father in this moment. 《He has to catch this big bad guy and-》

《Why uncle Nick is not catching him for daddy? Just for today! 》

《Because they work togheter, sweetheart... you know that. We already talk about daddy's job...》

Not in a specific way, of course. Greg is more like a super hero to Bjorn.... he is too innocent and young to know how cruel and horrible could be the world sometimes.

《It's not fair. He never came to see me play》

《That's not fair... you know that daddy is so sad for this... he ask me to shot everything so he can see it as long as he will be home!》

That doesn't help.

《And I'll be already in bed》 he snuffles, before running in his room, nearly cry.

You don't know how to manage this. Both of Greg and you are really indipendent.... that's why your wedding is so strong, because you don't need the other around one all the time.

But for Bjorn is different. He needs his daddy as he needs you. Most of that, he wants to make Greg proud of him, shows him how he has improved thanks also to their weekend practices on Sundays.

You are still thinking about a solution, but Jo start to cry from her playbox.

You have to speak with your husband and decide what tell to Bjorn, togheter.

He deserves a good explanation.

☆

It's late when Greg comes home.

He is surprised when he notice that the kitchen lights are still turned on. You are sitting at the table, looking at your laptop as you can't really see it.

《 y/n, baby?》, he calls you, waking you up from your thoughts. 《Are you ok? It's like 3 in the morning, sweetie.》

《Yeah, I was looking over some notes from next week semenary when I realised how late it was, I decided to wait for you to come back.》

《Thanks, after a couple of double shifts, I really need to speak with my wife》, he says with a smile, before kisses your lips and take a sits next to you. 《I've missed home in those last two days.》

《Have you slept a little?》, you ask worried. When a case is so demanding, the team works till they are exhausted. 《Did you have a propel meal?》

《...I ate two sandwiches Dr Robbins' wife made for us.》

《....there is some roast left. I'm gonna warm it for you and then I'll put you in the bed at least for nine hours, bright man》

He laughts a little. 《Yes ma'am.》

You stand up, caressing his hair, after place a kiss on his head. 《Tell me about the cause. Was that bad?》

《More like a nightmare....》

He starts talking about the brutal abductions he was working on those last days. In the meanwhile you are cooking for him. You open a good bottle of wine your father sent to you last week and prepare a couple of fine glasses. Is not a problem for you when Greg talks about his job. For some unknown reasons, it grows on you during the years togheter. You also have helped the team sometimes with you competences. It's quite normal for the two of you speaking about your day. It helps to split away the stress and find always your connection. And is always reliving for you see that even if the job is so demanding physically and emotionally, Greg can totaly handle it. Not only. He loves is job. Even in dark days like this one.

《Poor girls....》, is the only thing you can say, while you're watching your husband eat like he was starving. 《No one deserve this kind of fate...》

《Think at the parents 》, he observes, moving his elbows quickly. 《If someone would have done something like that on Jodie, I'd went mad.》

You stop thinking about the case immediately.

《Sorry for the unhappy connection.... but if you are not too tired, we need to speak about our boy.》

Greg looks at you surprised. 《What about him? Bad day?》

《Yes》, you answer, surprising him even more. Bjorn is really talented in sports, unlike his father. 《He played 10 minutes than he had an argument with the coach and spent the rest of the afternoon warming the bench.》

This is unusual. Bjorn is a good lad. Always smiley and obedient at preschool. Teachers love him because he is so good and he knows a lot about science and stuff even if he is four. Mom is an academic, a college professor and daddy is a scientist. How could be different? He is also responsible and he always take serious the baseball trainings. That's the first time he disobey this much.

《What happened y/n? Oh, no. Let me guess.》 You look him cover his own face with a hand. 《He is mad at me, isn't he?》

《Yep babe, he is really mad at you. And at me as well. By now, I think he is mad at the world because you didn't come today.... I explained him that's not your fault, but...》

Greg sighs 《But it is my fault. When he born I swore to God that I'd be a good father even if my job is.... the 70% of my life.》

《But you are》, you say with a stubborn tone in your voice. 《You are a good father. It was just and unfortunate Saturday. He have never missed a game before. You'd be there if it wasn't for the case. 》

《I know but he deserves more than all those 'if' statements. 》 You look at him, feeling the heaviness of this thoughts. 《I should stay in the lab.》 He finally says and you realise a long sigh. This is not going to be an happy conversation, not with your regretting husband weak moment. 《The moment I met you, I knew you were the one. I wanted to start a family before changing job, work on field. It was a stupid decision. If I continued to work as DNA tech we would have more money and more time to spend all togheter.》

《.... I throught we were out with 'if' statements.》

《Y/n, honey-》

《Don't you dare 'honey' me, Greg Sanders.》 You stop him. You keep his hand in yours and smile. 《You are an amazing father. One day, when he will be older and wiser, he will understand. Now is easy to handle the situation. If you spend a day with him, he'll forget about it. Is just a kid, G.》

Greg seems not satisfied. He feels like an idiot, not thing about how mad is son would be noticed his absence. But he also trust your judgement. He always says that you are an amazing mom and even more, the best of wives.

So he smiles back.

《Maybe you are right.》

《Maybe?》, you ask with an ironical tone. He stand up and comes near to you. He offers his hand and you keep it, staning on your feet.

《Sorry Dr Sanders》, he replies, while you are wrapping your arm on his neck. 《You're completely right y/n. I'm already planning an afternoon, just for boys.》

《He'll love it》, you reassure him, before asking for another kiss, with more passion. You both find a good arrangement so you can clean the kitchen and try to sleep at least three hours.

.....or maybe do something more interesting with you husband, who seems to have plans, looking the way he is lifting the t-shirt of your pijama....

You are use to feel Greg absence, that's true.

But when he comes back, well.... that's the moment you realise how much you actually have missed him. And how much you love him and be loved in return.

○Fin○

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: The Treasure of the Lost Lamp Movie Reviewcap! (Patreon Stretch Goal)

Hello all you happy people! And we have a special review today for two reasons. The first is that this is my second patreon stretch goal review, having hit the 15 dollar goal back in march thanks to my wonderful friend Emma, the same patreon whose responsible for the Green Eggs and Ham Reviews,  who helped me hit the 15 dollar goal.  As a result you fine people are getting three movie reviews each based on a Disney Afternoon Movie with Treasure of the Lost Lamp today, a goofy movie at the end of the motnh for  a weeklong tribute to my favorite dogmandadguy.  Extremley was going to be part of it but the length of this review convinced me otherwise, but I will be doing it this summer so keep an ear out. If you want to help me hit my next stretch goals do yourselve a favor and zip on over to my patreon YOU CAN FIND MY PATREON HERE. My next stretch goal at “OH Look 20 Dollars” would give everyone patreon and not, a monthly review of Darkwing Duck as decided by my patrons, reviews of BOTH season 2 mini series from Ducktales 87, introducing Fenton to the world and blighting it with Bubba before the 2017 series fixed him, and as a brucey bonus added last month a review of Danny Phantom the Ultimate Enemy. And if that wasn’t enough if you help me get to the goal after that at 25 unlocks another trilogy of disney film reviews, this time for the proud family and recess movie and the best kim possible movie, and dcom period, so the drama as well as Bryan Lee O’ Malley’s two stand alone graphic novels, lost at sea and seconds for you Scottaholics in the audience.

The other reason now the shilling’s done. is that the plan WAS to review this back to back with Treasure of The Found Lamp, to the point the orginal review had a whole thing about that, why it was delayed etc... but now that review’s been scrapped all together as something sudden and wonderful happened. After just kinda giving up someone came through with a translation of Della’s first apperance so presumibly i’ll be doing that as part of the build up to mother’s day, and since I still want ot do maternal instincts too, and already had to let the Floyd Gottfredson birthday special slide away as well... it had to go as I want to leave the only open space on the schedule for the lovely person who found the story for me. But this review is still done, i’m very proud of it so join me under the cut won’t you?

Behind The Scenes: Before I get into it i’d just like to note this article from SyFy Wire. It , along with articles I found via wikipedia citations, was an invaluable resource. 

The film was an experiment: It was an experiment to see if one of their tv properties could bring in theatrical money, to see if a movie made on a cheaper budget and still rake in decent money, to see if a film could be made being outsourced to several diffrent places, and to see what one of those places, their recently aquiried french stuido, could handle this kind of work. 

The film, if succesful would be the first of Disney’s MovieToons line, a series of films based on their shows. As you can tell by the fact only this movie and Goof Troop happened and the Movie Toons label wasn’t applied to that one it very much failed. While the film was warmly recevied by people who liked the show general audiences didn’t turn out for it. As a result the MovieToons label was scrapped, future projects with it were canceled.. but the stellar work put in by the french stuidio lead to it perserviering for several more decades and lead to them working on the Goofy Movie, which we’ll get to later this month but needless to say was a MUCH bigger hit with a much bigger budget. 

As for why the film failed... I have two theories. THe first is that parents were stupid back then and didn’t want to pay to see something on the big screen they could see on tv’s. This is a stupid mentality to me as generally a movie of a tv show puts in a ton of extra effort and usually goes bigger and dosen’t go home. It’s a likely theory given most liscened films of the era didn’t do quite well, with all three hasbro films tanking. And look I get Transformers the Movie is cheesy and killed a lot of people’s childhood toys, but damn if it ain’t aweosme.. and also something I need to cover at some point. Thankfully this died out by later in the 90′s with Rugrats getting a hugely succesful if flawed film, a better sequel and a third one that was also a crossover with the wild thornberries. 

And even now in 2020 we’re getting the Loud House and Rise of the TMNT movies sometimes this summer, we were SUPPOSED to have gotten the bobs burgers movie this summer but arne’t because Disney is being a dick about it.

And we got a phineas and ferb movie last year. With this trend hopefully thsi means we’ll get a Ducktales 2017 movie at some point since season 4 left a huge sequel hook laying right there to grab for a feature film.  One final note: The film was conceptually thought up as a 5 part serial like “Treasure of the Golden Suns”, “Catch as Cash Can”, “SuperDucktales” and “Time is Money, something that DOES show as the movie weirdly has act breaks. In a feature film. Yup. 

The Guest Cast:

I won’t go into the full cast since I’ve sung Alan Young and Russi Taylor’s praises PLENTY on this blog before, and I plan to go into Beakly and Launchpad’s actors when they show up in the pilot movie. But i’d be remiss if i didn’t talk about our three guest actors for our three new parts. 

First up is Merlock voiced by legend and if I had a hall of fame, hall of famer Christopher Lloyd.. I need to get me one of those. Lloyd is of course known for playing Doc Brown in back to the future but has done countless other films, voicework, and other good stuff. Among his MASSIVE filmography includes The Back to the Future Trilogy (Already mentioned it but it bears repeating), Star Trek III, Who Framed Roger Rabbit as the pants destroyingly terrifying Judge Doom, The Addams Family duology as fester, a role rip torn would ironcially play for the animated series made to captalize on said movie, Hey Arnold! The Movie, The Oogieloves in The Big Ballon Adventure (Look everybody needs money sometimes okay?), and Art of the Deal: The Movie, which was not, thankfully an ego filating nightmare made by trump himself but a film made by funny or die parodying his terrible book and having Llloyd return as Doc Brown. TV Wise he’s known for Taxi, Back to the Future the Animated Series, Cyberchase and he most recently popped up on Big City Greens. How I missed that ep I.. do know as I haven’t watched season 2. Gonna fix that later this month. Lloyd is utterly awesome, a great guy and thankfully still alive at the time of this writing, so I was happy to have him here. 

Less familiar to me but still known is Rip Taylor, a comedian known for his flamboyant unique way of speech and his marvelous mustache. He showed up in things occasionally and always seemed like the nicest guy and his passing in late 2019 truly is sad. He does a terrific job here but more on that in a moment. 

Finally we have Richard Libertini, a comedian I never really saw in anything besides this who according to IMDB was most famous for his ablility to do a foreign accent. I REALLY hope all of them aren’t as horribly racist as this one. We’ll.. get to that in a sec as it’s time for the plot!

A Treasure Uncovered:

We open our film gorgeously. The animation is great in the film, having some rough edges I chalk up to the film’s hectic production, the studio being new at working at disney properties, and the film not being meant for HD. That being said a few rough spots here and there aside.. the film looks ungodly gorgeous. Like most theatrical films based on a cartoon it takes an already great style and makes it look great. It feels like a more fluid evolution of the cartoons look and it’s a shame we didn’t get more movies in this style for both this show and others, ESPECIALLY Darkwing Duck. Can you imagine a Darkwing Duck movie with this lush animation? Hopefully we’ll get one eventually. 

So our heroes are going to somewhere in the Middle East. That’s.. that’s all wikipedia gives me and all the film gives me. As usual Scrooge is after treasure in this case the Treasure of Collie Baba, the greatest thief there ever was based obviously off Ali Baba from 1001 nights and that one Beastie Boys song. 

It’s here we find the WORST thing about the film, the thing that makes this a hard one to watch depsite otherwise being pretty good, and that makes my skin crawl knowing i’m a white man and a BUNCH of white guys, Ducktales series creator who did the voice casting for this character, the writers who wrote him, the direector disney them fucking selves who thought this was okay. 

The film has some horrible steroytping. It starts with a bunch of backgorund guys surronding Scrooge, with crooked teeth and steotypical voices. This on it’s own is odious. 

It somehow gets worse. Then we meet one of our antagonists. We meet Dijon. 

This Fucking Guy 

Djon is horribly offensive reminding me of other such luminaries in being ungodly offensive yet somehow getting put to film as Jar Jar Binks (With all respeect to his poor actor Ahmed Best, this is not his fault), Rob Schinder as a Sterotypically asian preist, Skids and Mudflap, Rob Schinder as a sterotypically mexican bandit, The Whitewashed cast of The Last Airbender, and Rob Schinder as a stereotypically asian preist. What i’m saying is Djon is an AWFUL, horribly offensive character.. and that Rob Schinder should be shot up into space, not to watch cheesy movies, he’s not funny enough for that, but instead to be sent to a satlitie that’s liveable, but also filled to the brim with spring loaded boxing gloves. Just tons of boxing gloves that feel like getting punched by a heavewight boxer all hidden... they could hit his legs, his face, his nuts, his face and his nuts, the point is he’s in constnat pain unless he moves carefully. 

And lest you think i’m exaggerating for starters this is his design. 

It just screams “vaugely but sterotpyically middle eastern” along with cowardly. The fact he’s also a literal rat is just the icing on the cake made of broken glass, shrapnel and broken DVD’s of Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen. They say if you eat a reveng eof the fallen dvd John Tutoro appears at the foot of your bed and watches you while you sleep.. and by they I mean me. It was a bad bet. I got rid of him with some insese and a bribe of five dollars. 

Oh but that’s just design.. when he talks it’s MUCH worse. His voice is like if they took Apu from the simpsons and said “This but MORE offensive”, and his perosnality is WORSE. He’s a thief.. and not in the endearing loveable rogue way but he’s a pick pocket and a running “Gag’ is that he’ll often grab eveyrthing within reahc. As the deisgn shows he’s a coward running at every opportunity. Oh and to top it all off he’s the willing servant of the white coded, given all ducks in this series are white coded and voiced bby white actors, big bad. And the actor is naturally VERY white to make this cocktail of offensivness so complete that if Disney ever got rid of this film I GUARANTEE the republcian party would be running in with accusations of cancel culture gone amok and never shutting up about this like they did the muppets. Which for the record THEY DIDN’T CANCEL THEM, YOUR POINT IS ILLEGITMATE, THEY JUST WANTED TO BE SENSTIVE YOU GHOULS. 

I do have a reason for bringing up Disney’s content warnings... most damming of all given just how DEEPLY uncomfortbale this character is.. there isn’t one for this movie. I double checked: There isn’t even wanring notes on the website. It’s just.. on there. And given just how ghastly a sterotype Djon is.. that’s not right. Seriously they DID put them on certain episodes of the show, theyk now this sort of thing is wrong and they done wrong.. but for NO reason they haven’t done so for a film released 31 years ago. Around the same time as the series and just offensive as that show at it’s worst if not more so. This is flatly inexcusable.. par for the course for Disney’s incompetence but still horribly furstrating, disgusting and shameful.. which has been the theme of the last three days really. I expect better because when it comes to putting that warning label on this stuff, they usually are better. First the scheduling mixup and now this. You already do a handful of things wrong Disney why add this to the list?!

It’s just draining not only to run into another Disney Fuckup after a weekend of dealing with one of their worst in recent memory, but just to watch Djon. To see this horrible caractrure saunter onto the screen and go on with his harmful schtick, to see that THIS is what Ducktales 87 reduced non white people to more often than not.  It’s remarkable just how throughly and awesomely Frank and Matt completely and totally reversed this. Instead of horrible sterotypes in the reboot, we got TONS of loveable people of color, an endearing latino hero, a smart african american buisness woman who takes no shit but is still a consumate professional, and an egyptian HERO with an intresting story and a strong moral code instead of this horrible reminder that racisim in media was such an afterthought not ONE person brought this up during the scyfy wire stuff or in any inteview i’ve seen. No one cared. Djon was POPULAR enough that he got three episode sin the series. THREE FUCKING EPISODES. This film could be GOOD.. but it’s just so bogged down EVERY FUCKING TIME this artists interpreitation of what Tucker Carlson sees when he looks at a middle eastern person I had to pause to compose myself and had to take a break writing this review to avoid tyiping this in all caps and using the phrase YOU RACIST MOTHERFUCKERS every other sentence. And again i’m white, I get this is second hand offensiveness.. I do... but it dosen’t mean I can’t be offended other white people were so callous about other cultures behaviors this happened.

And what makes me feel worse.. is that I just sorta... never thought about white people voicing non white characters. Things like this I noticed sure, I realize now part of the reason I didn’t like this movie the first time I saw it was this alex jones version of a looney tune, but I do feel shame for not noticing or caring long before this. Sure I loved it when a character of color got played by a person of color.. but I didn’t realize just how deep that problem was and how LONG it went on for before the outcry post george floyd and the call to action lead to most shows still going course correcting. It’s why stuff like this extra botehrs me: because THIS was just as okay at the time. No one blinked twice about this and odds are the creators involved still haven’t. And that.. that’s just terrible and it hurts to think about and  I still have most of the movie to go.  

The Pyramid of Peril:

So we do get a gorgeous unvewling scene of a box Scrooge found out about from Collie Baba’s horde that should lead them to the treasure. This scene reminds me of Indina Jones.. and I bring this up because the poster was specifically made to mimick an indinia jones poster, to the point of getting drew struzan to do it. THe creator of Ducktales objected..l but I do not get WHY. While I”m not sure if he had yet, Speilberg flat out admits the Carl Barks comics were an inspiration for Indina Jones, with the iconic bolder chase coming from a similar scene in one of Barks Stories. Gotta cover that too. So yeah I don’t get not wanting an indina jones style poster when both were inspiried by the same work and it’s just simple logic and it looks so neat. Thank you. 

Scrooge finds seemingly just clothes.. and a map. Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet reports to his master, Merlock. Merlock is a.. meh villian. Christopher Lloyd does try.. but Lock is your standard evil overlord wants to take over the world type. He dosen’t have much depth, or personality and only his style saves him from dragging the film down along with Dana Carvey’s most racist disguise in master of disguise. He does have a deent shape shifting gimick and being played by Christopher Lloyd means he’s acted TREMENDOUSLY. Alan Young was apparently in awe watching him work and that’s wonderful to hear. The guy did his best. Weirdly Merlock would show up in tons of other works, mostly video games.. but even weirder he NEVER showed up in ducktales 2017. Both Djon and Gene would, Djon thankfully renamed we’ll get to all of that tommorow thank god. I need it after this. But Frank has outright said they didn’t use Merlock because there simply wasn’t anything they could do with him they couldn’t dow ith magica. My likely guess is the might of found a way to revamp him EVENTUALLY, it’s not like radical revamps weren’t there thing come on, they just had way more stories with Magica and didnd’t get around to it before the show was canceled. Just make him some sort of evil god or something. it’s what I might do. There’s a lot of angles with him. Though I would’ve still gotten christopher lloyd back. I mean most of the recasting is good but he’s still alive and deserved a better shot at things. 

So Merlock sends Djonn to go with scrooge as his guide to find the treasure, as there’s something of imense power within it. And I gotta ask WHY does Merlock need a minon. No really. This isn’t a situation like reboot magica where he’s trapped in another realm. He can shapeshift into any animal. We only see him use falcon, rat, cockroach and bear but theoritically he can become anything and bear alone is still a LOT. Why does he need this sterotype even other sterytopes ar eashamed of? The film dosen’t NEED Djonn. Just let Christopher Lloyd monologue and leave this post 911 propogranda cartoon at home. 

So our heroes nad rejected jar jar prototype head into the desert, and seemingly find nothing before finding a small pyramid all while Merlock follows desecretley as a mighty hawk. 

Scrooge makes the boys and Djon dig... because they clearly forgot the “work hard” part of his ethos. 

Our heroes unveil the pyramid... and while Merlock SAYS he searched the desert and I get it’s hard to see thourgh all of that.. the dude is immortal, had decades to search and had Mickey Rooney there on standby to force him to go comb the desert. I have an artist rendering of that hang on

So our heroes enter the pyramid and it goes.. really how you’d expect: there’s a bunch of traps our brave explorers have to pass, the boys minintpret a juinor woodchuck saying about loosing your marbles to mean using the ones they actually have which geninely comes in handy as they trip the traps and Rob SChinder as a carrot stumbles into one. Also launchpad is wearing a hawaiin shirt and shades. This has no baring on the plot, but it does bring the movie up a notch in my book and I question why the reboot never used this outfit. Then again they also never properly used Donald’s Quack Pack Outfit (Which bad show or not, is objectively awesome), or his Quack Shot Indiana Jones Riff Outfit, so  it’s not like there isn’t a presdecnt for not giving a character a cool costume change from a previous medium. I really should do a top 12 missed opportunities list for the 2017 cartoon.. the ideas for stuff are really piling up. 

OUr heroes eventually find the treasure which has insidiously clever security the more I think about it: at first I thought it had none, just a pit with some... scorpions? I mean their supposed to be but they look like they crawled out of the same stygian hole in the sky Doofus crawled out of. And if your asking me “wait which Doofus” the answer is both. Both these abominations crawled out of a stygian hole in the sky.

But the treasure is on a platform surrounded by scoprions with the only way out being the trap filled way they came in. Unless someone comes in with a full team and a bunch of lootin sacks, they aren’t getting out with EVERYTHING. They can steal SOME of the treasure but there’s no way to get any signifigant portion... and the team thing itself is an issue, something Collie defintely predicted being a thief himself: while some thieves can work well as a team, hence why we have four oceans movies 3/4 damn good, and for the record 12 is the bad one, 8 is how you do a soft reboot and a female led reboot right, a good chunk of professional crooks will turn on each other or try and swinldle... and tha’ts dangerous in a trap filled temple but hey some criminals ain’t so smart.  If they all were Rudy Gulliani wouldn’t have two razzies for preparing to pull his pants down, and have waved his phone around on tv like a dare for future adminstrations to arrest the shit out of him would he? 

But Scrooge has his family so they get loading. But not before Webby finds the lamp. Not knowing about it Scrooge has no intrest in it, but Webby does. We also get a really simple but hilarious gag where SCrooge dickers over the idea for a second.. before Webby picks up a Jeweled tiara to possibly take instead. The best gags to me are often the ones that just let the character’s perosnalities take the lead and bounce off each other. It’s why when I reviewed the four lilo and stitch crossovers recently I harped on character interaction as their biggest weakness: it’s what MAKES a good work for me. It’s why my faviorite comics and shows often follow a loveable group of disfunctional misfits. I like a group of big personalities who despite in theory should NOT be able to work making it work anyway. And it’s honeslty what’s made Scrooge last so long: Scrooge on his OWN is awesome.. but iwth the boys, donald, and in the case of this series and the reivival Webby and Launchpad, with people to bounce off of who he contrasts heavily with, from Launchapd’s buffonery to Webby’s inehrent sweetness in both versions, to the boys genuine honesty and sense of adventure.... it makes him truly stand out. He’s a great character on his own, don’t get me wrong.. but it’s the people around him that give him chances to show WHY. A good character on it’s own is fine and dandy.. a good character with other good characters around them is where it gets truly special. 

Merlock naturally bursts in and in a VERY Black Heron move needlesly outs what micheal bay sees when he closes his eyes as a bad guy... no really he grabs the guy with his talons as he captures the treasure and reveals he’s a bad guy. I don’t even get why keep Djonn alive. He’s done all Merlock possibly could’ve needed and Merlock is ruthless... this makes no sense and only happens because they need Djonn for later in the plot.

Our heroes barely escape, rafting out on the platform itself in a thrilling sequence.. but it’s the one right after that catches my attention. Scrooge utterly defeated, having searched for this treasure for forty years and unresponsive to everyone else. The anmation, coupled with the incomprable Alan young’s acting makes this the highlight of the film for me. Beneath the armor of wealth and skill.. is only a poor old man who just lost something he’s been chasing after most of his life. Scrooge tries his hardest not to be vunerable and both shows and the original comics all use that so when he truly is devistated like this, and i’ts belivible since this treasure is a personal goal of his and as someone who has had things that they seek out specifically, loosing them always hurts. It hurts to ALMOST reach a goal only to have it crumble out under you

But while this alone is good.. what’s next makes it great. Webby sweetly offers up the lamp. Scrooge turns it down, and her genuine gesture reinvgorates him and reminds us of who he is “I’ll find it if it takes another 40 years”> Scrooge may be bitter, mean and selfish a lot of the time.. but deep down, he’s a good man and one who will not give up, and a momentary setback can only stop him so long as long as he has his family to remind him of who he truly is.. and what’s truly important. It’s genuinely sweet and to me is also a reminder of why 87 Webby is a good character: Shes’ not perfect, her main personality trait is often Girl Sterotype”.. but she’s a genuinely sweet small child with a huge heart. It’s telling that while 17′ Webby is almost completely diffren,t and far better, that heart remains her biggest strength. Sure her reboot self could kill a man nad no one would ever find the body, but it’s her heart and empathy that makes that possible and makes her Webby.  That inherent loving nature is what makes Webby webby wether she’s a toddler having a tea party or a tween getting ready to intergoate a guy with a meat tenderizer while saying ‘Cute girl stuff”. 

Gene Genie Let’s Himself Go:

It’s a few days later and this is the point where it REALLY becomes obvious this was written as a bunch of episodes. Though to the film’s credit while it does ake this feel like a compliation movie as a result... it dosen’t hamper the film’s quality, condiment from Rush Limbaghs’ hot dog stand does that just fine, but once you notice it it’s impossible to unotice it. Weirdly though it seems chunked up into four episodes rather than the usual five, likely cutting down an episode, though I can’t see where they cut out material frankly if they did and i’ts just as likely they woudl’ve had to make one to fill in the space.

So Scrooge is in a mood, being grumpy with his secretary Mrs. Featherly, quackfaster in all but name, and having to be sent home. So while Duckworth goes to fetch him Webby polishes her treasure at long last readying for a tea party, something the boys roundly reject because their sexist little twits and swo were the writers or executies who assumed all little boys act the same. It’s easily my biggest pet peeve with the series as a whole: anytime this crops up with the boys it turns them into the worst dicks imaginable. It’s telling this, being mean about her wantin ga tea party with her surrogate brothersi s TAME. Normally they’ll say she can’t do things because she’s a girl or mock her hobies outright instead of just be mildly dickish. And while she dosen’t look much younger Webby is VERY CLEARLY, in this series anyway, supposed to be say 5 or 6 to the boys 8-10. 7 at most. SHe’s a small child and while it is realistic for older kids to bully younger ones, it’s not fun to watch. It’s why I get annoyed at all the big sibling bully characters.. some work, but most aren’t fun to watch because there’s nothing funny or intresting about it. It’s the same deal here. 

Thankfully that quickly goes away as the lamp moves when Webby rubs it and does so again to prove it did move. Huey finishes it and we’re introduced to Gene, the best part of the film.  Gene is a Genie and he takes a second to dart around before messing with the appliances in the kitchen, as he was last around during the time 1001 Nights Came About. Cleverly though, and so we thankfully don’t have 80 dozen fishout of water jokes that have already been done before. As you can probably guess i’m not a huge fan of time travel fish out of water stuff. Now from another dimensoin or planet, i’m on board with with Star Vs, Steven Universe and Sym-Bionic Titan being great examples of this, as is the comic resident alien. (Despite having the wonderous Alan Tuduk the show sounds way more mean spirited and misses the entire point of the comic as given by the author in the credits, i.e. that the alien is supposed to NOT be a threat and just be gently waiting for a ride) The inverse is also good with Amphbia and owl house, taking a human and plopping them into our world. But time travel stuff just usually runs the same beats of “look at the shiny thing” and what not. The only time i’ve sene something SIMILAR work is with thor where their society is SIMILAR to vikings time but still it’s own thing.. it also gave us a classic gag in..

So yeah i’m glad they dropped this and instead had a clever way around it: Gene reads the encylopedia at the mansion. Granted it’s Scrooge so I don’t know how current it is and given this came out in 1990 thus HOW racist it is. It’s not a questoin of IF it was, but how much.

But having caught up the kids confront him with the fact he has to grant wishes. This lamp runs on what I now realize are Aladdin rules: Whoever currently holds the Lamp is the Genie’s master, they only get three wishes, and that dosen’t reset if it changes hands. The only big diffrence from the usual is Gene dosen’t have to TELL them about the wishes like Genie did, and Gene very begrudginly agrees to it. He also seem’s phsyically pained when doing so. 

So since all 12 know about him, each of the kids gets a wish though it seems unfair with HDL. Their one person, they shoudln’t get 9 wishes just because their brain is spread out over three bodies. 

This film continues the weird simliarties to Aladdin by attaching rules though they instead come up as a result of our heroes talking rather than the Genie just flat out tleling them: both share the “you can’t wish for more wishes” thing, a common rule in these stories and usually only broken nowadays as a clever twist as the rule is SO common place, not having it is a twist. But it is there for a reason: to limit the sheer power of a reality warping wish. The wishes can also only go so far. In a nice line, when Huey, Dewey or Louie suggests wishing for peace one earth, Gene says “No pipe dreams’ He can’t bend people or reality on THAT scale. He can bend reality as we find out, but it’s smaller scales like turning someone’s possesions over ot someone else, warping the bin into a castle, or bringing inanitamte objects to limited life. Still HUGE feats worth of a genie, so Gene’s power isn’t so nerfed it’s unusuable, but it does explain why his evil pervious ownder Merlock, more ont hat in a bit too, didn’t just wish to have eternal dominon over the earth or something. Gene can do just about anything but he can’t change the world on a fundemental level. 

And I do LIKE having rules in wished based stories like this, I chalk it up to growing up with Fairly Odd Parents... though they eventually went too far in the oppsoitie direction, pulling rules out of their ass to suit the episode, instead of simply having some very standard, very understandable rules that still pose challenges but don’t outright cheat so the episode can happen. 

So Webby does her first wish.. and wishes for a Baby Elephant, something Gene is against as he prefers they keep the wishes small: otherwise he gets found out, and the fight over him begins. So one of the boys wishes him away. Or Webby does. Point is it’s gone though not before Beakly sees it and Scrooge smells something is up. Our heroes try to hide gene, but gene thankfully simply dresses up like a modern kid and thus is able to pass as a friend of there staying for the night. 

So with the rules established and what not the kids find a clever solution: they simply go a ways away from the mansion into the woods, far enough from town to avoid any suspcion, and same iwth the mansion and just wish for all kinds of stuff: a giant bunch of ice cream toys, standard kid wish fufillment but it’s nice... in part because the kids treat Gene like one of them. Wihle they STARTED asking him about the wishes, this starts the bonding process. Soon he will be part of the hive mind.. SOON. 

Until then though after using another wish to make scrooge not mad at them for coming home late and missing dinner, that night we find out Gene’s backstory.... and it’s an utter tearjerker. As it turns out Merlock wants him back because he’s Gene’s former master and as you’d guess.. it was NOT a happy existnace, used contstnatly to do horrible things with no power to stop himself. Pompeii and Atlantis were both directly Merlock’s fault and it was only Collie Baba stealing the lamp that put an end to his hell. He also answers the two obvious questions botht he audeiince and the boys have: How the hell is Merlock still alive and shoudln’t he be out of wishes then? The first is simple. Unlike pretty much every DBZ Villian whose WANTED to do so, Merlock wished for immortality first chance he got, taking the Zamasu route instead and thus leaving him free. 

As for the wishes thing it turns out his amulet, in adition to shapeshifting, also gives him extra wishes becuase fuck it. 

But the boys sweetly offer to protect him. 

The next day, Apu’s Cousin let’s Merlock know the maps in the mansion and Merlock has him help sneak in with Merlock taking rat form. This backfires as Mrs. Beakley notices the form and chases after him with a broom

Meanwhile Webby has her tea party with Gene after he and the boys played cops and robbers earlier, and he’s bored.. though nicely not because it’s a girly thing, but because the stuffed animals aren’t alive and she naively has him fix that. This leads to 

Which sadly is jsut scrooge vs a duck toy but admit it, you want that movie for Disney Plus yesterday. Call Charles Band Disney. CALL CHARLES BAND! 

Whelp Scrooge Still Sucks:

Scrooge takes for a turn for the obnoxious in the next part, but i’ts fine by me as it’s part of the plot. Naturally this reinactment of Cult of Chucky has lead to Scrooge finding out about the Genie. To his credit, Scrooge is tactical about his wishes. As said by the Duck himself “I could wish for a diamond, no the world’s biggest dimaond, no ten world’s biggest diamond, no a diamond mind, no the MINING INDUSTRY!”

The sheer power this gives him is TERRIFYING, both because of his status.. and because unlike the kids who all wished for simple kid stuff and used up their wishes quickly, he both gets how much he can do with this and could conquer the world economy if he truly wanted to. 

The obnoxious part comes in as he treats Gene as not a person, figuring he’s just there and forces him into the lamp despite the kids protests after Gene grants his first wish: Collie Baba’s treasure. It also dosen’t feel like the wishing nor him using the lamp to get the tresure back goes against his hard work ethos: for the former while he is getting all this magically, he’s still having ot use his wits to get the most out of it, and he did earn the lamp itself square. For the latter, he already earned the treasure square too and had it stolen. He’s onlyg etting back what’s by all rights HIS. Granted he plans on giving most of it up for a tax break but still it’s his by right. 

However the reason his assholery works is twofold: first it’s Scrooge. While he’s not a TERRIBLE person, in the comcis and this cartoon he isn’t a GOOD person either. He DOES have a good heart and will usually do the right thing, but his first instnct is always to get more money and to be a cantakerous old bastard to eveyrone and everything. While he’s subtly grew out of “I hate eveyrone and everyone hates me” as his guiding principal, it’s still his defualt reaction to most situations. But he first relents by letting Gene attend the party, part of why the Collie Baba thing stung so bad was that he’s told the historical society he’d get the treasure for years only to come back empty handed, if shrunken. But he still manages to have a good time while Asok and Merlock infiltrate.. well I’mRunningOutofINsultingNIcknamesCanYouTell steals the silverware. Yes... that.. that really happens. 

Look we’re almost done, i’m almost free of this racist mummies curse. Let’s continue. Gene sees melock and freaks and drags SCrooge with him and while at First Scrooge is cranky...

No but now I want a Donkey Kong Country crossover too dammmit. And to talk about those games. Another thing for the list. But Scrooge is righ tot be a bit surly...

Okay now your just pushing it. As Gene whisked him away without telling him anything other than vauge worries... but then he gets a full idea of why Gene’s so terrified when Merlock shapeshifts into a bear and starts breaking the door down. Eh, could be worse. 

Gene shrinks them to escape and Merlock leaves thinking they fled but leaves Skids Minus Mudflap to go look for them. Scrooge sneaks out but bumps into a cart running from the photo you see when you look up stereotype on google. I mean I assume.. let’s try it. 

Huh you know I HOPED but I never expected... 

So Google Proving My Point plans to give his lamp to the master because of his weird Torgo-Esque obession with helping a man who clearly wants to murder him but takes his sweet time doing so because plot, and Gene figuring this COULDN’T POSSIBLY go as bad as Melock getting him urges the dummy to keep him and make his own wishes.

This goes about as well as you’d expect....

Wiped Out With A Wish:

Scrooge returns home to find Watto has wished to take his poessions, fortune, everything and Scrooge gets thrown in jail for breaking into his own house. We get two great moments back to back. The first is Scrooge lamenting loosing his fortune in jail, and realizing the sheer power and risk of the lamp, especially since he worked hard to earn it, every bit of it.. and Sam Wilson’s 70′s Backstory came in and took it all in an instant. 

The second is Scrooge’s family coming for him, including Launchpad , Beakly and Webby obviously and bailing him out. Though Beakly is UNGOLDLY annoying in this scene, sobbing hysterically and adding nothing and it’s not nearly as funny as the  film thinks. Turns out Goliath getting buried wrapped in chains threw them out. 

Scrooge takes a bit to rebound from all this.. but eventually realizes something: he knows the security of the bin inside and out. He had it put in after all. So it’d be easy enough to break in. So they gotta break in to break out the lamp, undo this nightmare, and END THIS MOVIE. Seriously this review has taken two days  as is I do NOT want to miss my invincible review. 

So they break into the bin, and it’s a tightly paced Scene, scrooge going in one way while the kids go the other and we even get a nice callback as the marbels come in handy to get past one of the traps. It’s just a good scene. it’s only real flaw is that Launchapd just sorta disappears as does Duckworth despite the fact their in a plane, and the bin later gets turned into a floating castle. Kinda a plot hole to not have Launchpad crash in to save htem just saying. 

Scrooge eventually does get to Djonn, whose been ignoring the imminent threat of Merlock while Gene sweats it out... and this backfires horribly as Merlock hitched a ride as a roach (Though there was a hilarious scene of him getting fried constnatly by lasers when Louie went through a laser hallway, as while Louie had the directions, it dind’t take into account passengers on your head. 

So Merlock remanifests in full gets the Lamp and unleashes his wrath on Tin Tin in the Congo and turns him into a wild pig. 

Not you sweetie. He then forces Gene to turn the castle into a fortress and float it back to his home in parts unknown. It’s a DAMN cool scene with impressive and horrifiing animation as the bin melts and crumbles into thte castle and the kids barely make it up the stares as they shift and disolve. Really top notch stuff.

Scrooge stands up to Merlock... and this naturally goes poorlyw ith Gene begging Merlock not to respond.. and Merlock having him blow scrooge off the top of the forgtess storm eagle style, though scrooge understands. And this is the true reason why scrooge being a dick didn’t bother me so much. Because it helps create a great contrast between him and Merlock. Both thought of Gene as a tool rather than a person.. but Scrooge grew to realize he was wrong and what he was dealing with wasn’t some magical goodies creator.. but a child forced to constantly grant wishes, in sheer agony to do so no less, likely so sick of it because again and again and again people used him as a slave to get what they wanted and to hell with what Gene wanted. He realized he was terrible for making this poor boy into his slave simply because that’s his job. In contrast Merlock could give no shits and is a malevolent monster who glefully uses Gene despite the pain the wishes put him through and his protests. It’s why Gene is the best part.. he’s  athroughly likeable, throughly inncoent character with tons of personality and a truly tragic and horrifying backstory and Rip Taylor acts the hell out of every scene with the guy. 

Thankfully the marbles come in handy one last time and Huey, Dewey or Louie snipes the lamp away and a struggle for it insues between Scrooge and Merloc mid air. it’s fucking awesome.. and it get sbetter in how scroogewins. He simply gets rid of Merlock’s amulet, taking it then throwing it. Grante dhe COULD’EVE used it for unimited wishes.. but it was too risky to do that and as we’ll see in the ending , Scrooge realized the Lamp was too powerful to keep around for much longer and too much of a tempting target for his rogues.. not that we see them this movie as the crew wanted it to bea ccesaible and thus kept hte cast to the main cast from season 1 and just made new vilians and a new supporting character, but still. 

He does use his second wish though to undue the damage Merlock had done and the bin and clan mcduck are returned to duckburg in good condition.

Time for our ending, which is genuinely and wholly touching. With the lamp too dangerous to use Scrooge considers just sending it to the earth’s core, which horrifies the kids as it’d mean Gene would be trapped there forever... if the molten lava iddn’t just outright destory the lamp and probably kill him. But Scrooge.. isn’t the bastard he likes to potray himself as. Instead he makes Gene into a real boy. He gives the poor kid HIS wish, which designrates the lamp and undoes all the spells... so Merlock is PROBABLY dead but he does return for some games so maybe not? 

And so we end on two things: Gene happily playing cops and robbers with the boys finally free.. and Birth of A Nation grabbing all the loot he can in his patns and running off. Ha ha ha thank god i’m done with this prick. And no I will not be looking at his ducktales episodes unless I have to. 

Final Thoughts:

This movie is OKAY. It has a solid plot, gene is a wonderful chacter, the animatoin is pretty prettay pretty good, and the voice acting as usual is excellent, with Rip Taylor being the standout. 

But as my paragraphs of rage shoud’ve made Clear Djonn is just BAD. Easily the worst character i’ve encountered in my year of reviewing and some of the worst writing i’ve ran into. And that writing includes a goblin man voyerstically forcing two teenagers to make out, making jokes about santa renaming himself Clem the sceneafter he tearfully confessed to letting the elves and ms. claus die, accidental transphobia via the u-men, and Bryan Lee O malley thinking we needed more than one volume of Julie Powers being around.  This was disgusting, even by 1990 standards and especially by 2021 standards and it drags the film down considerably. Without it the film is okay.. with it the film is just VERY hard to watch any time he pops up.  He made getting through the movie a nightmare and while I pause a lot becaue it’s a bad habbit I did so more simply because as I said earlier in the review I could not stand him. 

It makes it a hard film to recommend. If you can stomach the racisim, then it might be worth it, but be aware of what your putting up with going in. But if you can’t.. there’s no shame in that, it’s carbombya levels of bad. Which yes was a real fictoinal country. It was so bad Casey Casem quit transformers over it. True story. So yeah, it’s an okay film, on par with the series at it’s best for the most part.. but Djonn just spoils it for me. 

If you liked this review, like it, share it around that sort of thing and if you want MORE disney movie reviews, in addiiton to the goofy movie one later this month, if you help me hit my 25 dollar stretch goal on patroen.com/popculturebuffet, i’ll do reviews of the Recess, Proud Family and Kim Possible MOvies (Well so the drama anyway), so help me out would you and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.

[fairytellerxo]

Gonna drop a little Coco Cruz on your heads while I sort through drafts and docs for the best Angel x Nicole stuff. This was supposed to start a story but it just ended up being a one off of Coco reuniting with an old friend.

Coco sat on the edge of the dock, his feet swaying back and forth as he took another drag of his cigarette. He had needed and craved for an escape from the chaos that his club was currently in. Things were shifting and changing and he needed to reset, to recalibrate and get his mental health back in line. Well as best as he could anyway.

That’s why he had taken off on his bike, headed straight to the place he used to spend hours as a teenager. Where he’d escape from his shitty mom and home life. He’d just sit and be with himself, his thoughts slowing down and relaxation rolling over him. Then things got interesting when he showed up to his spot and there was someone occupying the space.

He didn’t make a scene, didn’t make a fuss, he just sat down and enjoyed the silence and the presence of her. She wouldn’t say much, even when he would try to strike up conversation. She was just as damaged as he was. She’d show up, bloody and bruised on occasion. He figured an abusive boyfriend but he was wrong, it had been an abusive father.

That was years before he started to make mistakes of his own. He had shown up, found her sitting there and he confessed his shit. She held his hand while he cried and worked through it. They had become the best of friends and eventually it turned into more before he fucked it up and sent her fleeing town, never to be heard or seen from again. Now as an adult, sitting in his spot, their spot, he wondered where she was and what she was doing. She had to be better than what he was.

“Wow, never thought I’d come across you ever again.” The voice startled Coco momentarily. “Thought you were long gone from our days of dock sitting.”

“I thought the same,” He stubbed out his cigarette before scooting over slightly. “You still live in town?”

“Oh hell no,” She laughed as she lowered herself down next to him. “I made it out, made something of myself. Just like I told you I would. I’m back here because we’re laying my dad to rest. He just passed away. From stupidity and not natural causes.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and grinned. “Johnny Cruz.”

“Penielle Montenegro,” He flashed her a brief grin before turning his attention back to the view. “It’s been awhile Penny. You got any kids?”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah, I do. That’s a hell of a question to ask during a mini reunion.” She chuckled. “Did you add any more kids to your roster? I know you had the one while in jail.”

“I got a total of three,” He wiggled his fingers. “I see the oldest one, Leticia. She wanted to get to know me. We’re trying to make it work. My mom had adopted her, she knew me as her brother until my mom told her the truth out of spite. She’s a teenager and shit. Kind of an outcast but whatever, she’s happy.”

She smiled as she bumped against him. “Like father like daughter.” She shrugged. “I got a son and a daughter. My son is a fucking shithead, always has some slick shit to say. He’s fifteen and I want to strangle him, my daughter, she’s six and thinks I am some Queen.”

“He’s fifteen? Yeah?” He nodded slowly. “I told you to do better and be better. You kept the kid?”

“I did,” She nodded slowly. “Got my shit together, got a degree and I’m in love with my career. I make good money and I even married up.” She pulled her phone from her pocket. “Look, these are my babies, my heart. We didn’t work out because you didn’t think you could parent and I respected that but I also did what I felt I needed to do. I don’t struggle or want for a thing. I broke that curse for my kids. I kept my promise to you Coco. I made it out. I’m going through a shitty divorce though, I married up but he found some dumb bitch to stick his dick in.” She laughed. “I did it though, you gotta come and see my home. You’d be proud.”

“I used to wanna reach out to you,” Coco passed her the phone back. “There would be nights that I needed you so fucking bad. Just needed you to be there, to see you. That was something I fucking fought through because when I put you on that bus, I knew it was for the better and I knew you were gonna make some shit happen for yourself.”

She smiled at him before squeezing his arm. “I know the feeling, I wanted to come back here. Let my parents talk down to me. I thought I needed help with my kid. I spent the first two years of his life with government help before I got a really good job and started to handle shit on my own. I never looked back after that, I thought of you and this place but I didn’t think I’d have to come back. I’m only back because my mom requested it. I loved my dad but hated him for what he used to do to me. I guess he had some life insurance and a will. Left some shit to me as some fucked up apology from the afterlife. He could’ve apologized while he was still alive and I would’ve accepted it.”

“What’s his name?” He looked at her carefully. “What’d you name the kid?”

“Antonio, we call him Tony or Tonio,” She smiled. “I love him so much but he’s still a shithead.” She stood up and sighed. “He’s here, with me. I don’t know if you’re into meeting him, as a friend of mine. No pressure to be anything other than that. He’s into cars and bikes, begged me for guns but all I got him were a few paintball guns. I have taken him shooting a whole lot, he’s got the patience for it. I still don’t.”

He followed after her, slowing his pace to match hers. “I don’t know, I’m no good with kids at all. It’s cool that he likes that shit. You should get him a hunting rifle at least, it’ll be good for him.”

She shook her head slightly. “I don’t know, I don’t think he needs one just yet. Maybe when he’s sixteen and has more gun safety experience under his belt.”

“I missed you Penny,” He pulled her into a hug and sighed. “I fucking missed you.”

“I missed you too Johnny,” She hugged him back. “Still got the greasy hair. Fucking wash it dude.” She chuckled as she pulled back to look at him. “This is me, I got my dream car.”

He smiled as he looked at the shiny red SUV. “Yeah, you did. Gimme your number and I’ll reach out to you. I might be down to have dinner or something. Take care Penielle.”

[strawberryspeachy]

So on the last day of july i went clubbing

Almost immediately met a cute boy and he asked me to go to a hotel with him. I debated but ultimately went with him. He asked if i wanted to go on a date because fucking japanese assholes equate date with hotel.

Went. Hooked up. Then. He said he wanted to go back to the club because otherwise “it would be a waste of his night”

Yeah

So... went back.... watched him look for another girl. And felt like shit

Eventually a boy that was ok looking talked to me. I didnt ignore him and he got excited over me talking to him after having ignored other boys. I didnt intend to continue talking to him but he was so excited the entire time and was nice so i just stayed with him.

We left together and sat on some sidewalk and talked. I saw that both his arms had cut marks all over them

And as a fucked up person... i stupidly think that other fucked up people will be as empathetic as i try to be and my depressed friends back home

He told me some of his shitty homelife - apparently he doesnt have parents

He asked me to go to a hotel with him and i said no... so we went to eat instead...

He kept being overly nice (in words) told me that he works at an old folks home and that he wants to learn english and come to america and help me take care of my mom.... in a sudden way

Rationally im not stupid and know that was a line. But im pretty stupid in general

He kept asking me to be his gf and i told him id need to go on a date with him to decide that

I just wanted to say no but...

He didnt pay for my meal - ya im one of those girls that that bothers

We seperated and he continued to text my the next few days. We set up a date. He asked me to go to him in yokohama - an hour away from tokyo

Since id never been there i said yes. But this meant i had to pay an expensive train ticket

He did pay for dinner and afterwards convience store for me... mostly... asking if i had change

He wanted to drink at the pier and insisted i get a drink but didnt pay for it

And then took me back to his apartment

It ended up being fun

The next morning while he was showering i was just poking around at his stuff. Not actually looking for anything just curious about the things he has

I looked at his wallet (honestly to see the design but i also always wonder why japanese guys are so comfortable leaving money around who is generally a stranger)

And then. I found. Picture from a photobooth. Him amd soem girl. It was dated from a week before.

He told me the night we met that he broke up with his ex a year ago. But this picture looked very much like a couple

I asked him about it and he just said sorry and threw it in the trash (not a real trash. It could easily be taken out) he said it was from a year ago

After. Bit i took it out amd pointed at the date. He literally hummed and refused to comment ...but he told me hell only see me...

I shouldn’t take that as enough but i did and told him when i got home that ill only se him too. I told him i liked him - and to this point he kept saying he likes me over and over. He has not said it since this. Just said he was happy that i used his name.

After that i went to okinawa for a few days. He told me his sim card broke and he doesnt have wifi unless he goes to a convience store (as an excuse to text slow)

I got back the next week and stayed home all week from a yeast infection that i think he gave me. When he barely responded i told him that

Then he responded continuously telling me that i just got it on my own and hes healthy so it wasnt him

That weekend i went drinking with some friends and messaged him. He responded immediately and i called him. Asking when his phone got fixed. He told me the day before

Then he told me he has pink eye and sent a picture. He said he cant go out of his house because of it

The next week was my birthday. He said hed be cured the day after and we could celebrate. Then he cancelled saying the doc told him hes still contagious

A few days after he sent me a picture of him with makeup on and contacts in saying he went to the salan. I responded immediately asking if he was still contagious and tried to call. He ignored me

I tried to call more throughout the day

Nothing

Over 24 hours pased so i used another account to say hi to him. After 2 hours he responded to the fake account asking who it was

And i flipped the fuck out. I told him a bunch of reasons why he sucked and that he did and fuck him

Then he responded to me with long messages. Many of which i couldnt understand (hes used incorrect kanji before that which makes translation strained)

His excuse was that he felt sick and slept for 20 hours (but he ignored me for over 27)and that he wanted to answer his texts in order. That he doesnt look at him phone much and then got mad at me for not being worried about him and instead getting mad

He didnt addresss any of my complaints like the fact that if im his gf i should be a priority

But because im a sucked i felt bad for trying to hurt him and apologized.... he said hed forgive me if i buy him an accessory next time we hung out...

Yeah. Red flags. I too if i had other options... would have said. Thats a weird way to accept an apology.

Also before (on that first date) when we talked about our bdays cause his was a bit before mine. I asked him what hed wanna do as a late celebration. He immediately told me he wanted yakiniku (an expensive meat meal) and clothes or accessorys from an expensive brand he likes...

So he continued to take over 24 hours to reply to me. With very small responces - he never asks me questions. I asked him to call the night before i went camping and he said he couldnt because he was too drunk from drinking with friends. I went camping and came back and got him on the phone. I demanded him to call and he said he couldnt cause he was tired from work and would the following day

I told him it makes me upset that he doesnt talk to me and that i constantly dont feel good because of him. He just said sorrry. I planned to say this is over if he didnt agree to meet me. But he agreed to a date the coming sunday... the day before i began work again. He said hed come to tokyo and and had a plan. It sounded fun.

Well come sunday morning.... he cancelled. He said he didnt have money. I tried to call him several times and he ignored me.

I confronted him in person. He got mad at me for it. Said he got some sort debt collection and got frauded... someone used his name to take out money and he has to pay court. He said he doesnt have money because of it.

I asked why he never tells me whats going on with him (because im dumb and beleive this... actually i dont. I hope hes being honestly and just has really bad luck but)

This time like last time i told him the way he treats me is how really awful boys who are using me and playing with me treat me. And i cant trust him if hes like this but doesnt tell me why

Well...i was there... i offered to pay for out date.... besides the 11 dollars it takes to get to him

He asked me to put 5 dollars on his train card.... it takes 3 dollads to get to and from where we went. He... mad sure no matter where we would eat it would cost 40 bucks - wanting to drink alc and such. It costed 43 dollars. He wanted starbucks but i kinda said no by saying i dont rlly like starbucks - but he still wanted to get a dessert - 3 dollars

And... he wanted me to buy him that aftermentioned accessory... a ring. He looked at very expensive ones... i... would not have paid for even as stupid as i am.. the one he got was 15 or 25 I forget which...

The thing is... if he wasnt actually... if i wasn’t comfortable being with him i woulda stopped this before... unfortunately. As usual. Despite initially not being attracted to him i really enjoyed his company and find him to be fun...

He said that we should go home at 8 i asked about going back to him place and he said no because hes tired and has work the next day. He knows i also do too. At the same time. And i tried to convince him and he kept saying no. Then i asked doesnt he wanna have sex. He said that we should go to a hotel. And i protested that hotels are expensive and his apartments free and just a cheap train station away. He said hes too tired and just wants to sleep at his apartment but hotels are exciting so hed be awake at a hotel.

He pushed them and i said at that point id be spending like 100 dollars on the day and he knows i also dont have a lot of money.

We awkwardly went to a manga cafe that was only 5 dollars but it wanted you to make a card that costs 5 more dollads. And then i got fussy because too much stress literally makes me lose control of my emotions.

It fucking sucks and i hate it. I have no fucking control over my emotions when my stress is bubbling (which it almost always is) and boils over.

I asked him if he can even pay just the 5 dollars and he said he has no money. I asked how hes gonna get to work with literally no money and he said his conpany pays for it (yea japanese conpanies pay AFTER you go )

We left. It was a bad mood. He didnt storm away from me even though i was basically crying in the street (i have had this happen with even friends. I start crying and they just walk away so even though it should be expected of someone claiming to be your bf... ya)

Anyhow i told him i just wanted to cuddle and talk and kiss

He looked annoyed but i guess he thought those wants were cute and looked for a isolated place

Because were in japan

Couldnt find one cause we were in a city and he again just started saying lets go home. That hes tired and not in the mood.

But we were in a quiet enough play.

And im bitching here but ill take a quick break to say i kept hugging him and stuff which he liked despite saying he was really embarrassed

He told me ealier ok that because of this debt thing hes gonna work two jobs

Which. Terrified me. The first guy I went on a date with in Japan asked me to be his gf and to move in with him and said he had to work two jobs for a month to afford to move so he wouldnt have time to see me. He told me his progress for two weeks and then ghosted me.

This boy told me hell make time to see me when i complained about not doing anything physical when i wouldnt see him again for who knows how long

Welp. Todays saturday and that was sunday. And while at first i thought he was trying because he replied to my messages in or at 24 hours for a few days. Its gone back to the 17 hours

And i asked him to talk on the phone

And he just said not tonight because after his current job hes working at home too

And because im dumb ive waisted my whole saturday waiting for him to reply and crying.

[letterboxd]

Sundance 2020.

“Dude, I hope this gets over 3.5!” Letterboxd rates this year’s Sundance.

Our West Coast editor Dominic Corry returns to Sundance to engage in such essential festival experiences as: judging other people’s cellphone etiquette, pretending not to notice A-listers, coming to rely upon coffee to a dangerous extent, and hastily downing a hot sandwich while standing over the garbage can outside the Park City Fresh Market.

He also watched a whole load of cool films, and spoke with the writing and directing talent behind some of the 2020 festival’s most talked-about premieres: Janicza Bravo (Zola), Eugene Kotlyarenko (Spree), Miranda July (Kajillionaire), Brandon Cronenberg (Possessor) and Jim Cummings (actor and executive producer of Danny Madden's debut Beast Beast).

Zola

“There are more ways to access great storytelling than the ones we’ve been used to.”

Generating much of the buzz ahead of the 2020 Sundance Film Festival was Janicza Bravo’s Zola, a film based on the Twitter thread by A'Ziah King that went famously viral in 2015. It concerns two exotic dancers: King herself—who goes by Zola—(played by Taylour Paige) and her new friend Stefani (Riley Keough), who head down to Tampa one weekend accompanied by Stefani’s boyfriend Derrek (played by Cousin Greg himself, Nicholas Braun) and Stefani’s “roommate” (read: pimp, played by Colman Domingo). To say shit gets cray doesn’t quite cover it.

It’s been simplistically, if understandably, described ahead of time as “Pulp Fiction meets Spring Breakers”, but Bravo herself cited a much more eclectic selection of cinematic inspirations when we spoke to her ahead of the film’s world premiere.

“My inspirations were The Wiz, Coffy, Paris Is Burning, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie, Special Victims Unit. And Natural Born Killers!”

Bravo (pictured above) took to King’s Twitter thread immediately when it went viral. “I think I found it within a day, or days, of it coming out,” says Bravo. “It was sent to me by a group of girlfriends and before finishing it I knew that I wanted it, and I worked at getting [the rights] for about two years.”

Bravo wasn’t the only one who wanted to tell this story on the big screen—James Franco was initially linked to an adaptation.

“It’s not that it was difficult to get the rights, it’s that there were many other people who wanted it and the people who got it before me were just fancier. But here we are.”

Bravo is credited with Zola's script alongside playwright Jeremy O. Harris, who recently blew up Broadway with his incendiary show Slave Play. She concedes there were unique challenges in translating something so specific to the big screen.

“The thing that everyone was attracted to about this story was the voice, and I would say the hardest thing was to make sure the voice was still present in the film. What you’re reading, that it would translate into the visual.”

Bravo says she’s not sure if this is going to lead to a rash of social network-based films (Letterboxd: The Movie excepted of course), “but I would say that what the story tells you is that there are more ways to access great storytelling than the ones we’ve been used to.”

Spree

“Put it on lists and do those Letterboxd battles!”

It can be all too easy to over-perceive mini-trends at film festivals, but it was hard to overlook the large role that social media played in multiple films at Sundance this year.

In Eugene Kotlyarenko’s Spree, floppy-haired Stranger Things star Joe Keery (pictured above) plays wannabe influencer Kurt Kunkle, a driver for a Los Angeles-based ride-sharing service (called… Spree) who plots to up his subscriber numbers by murdering his more obnoxious passengers on a live stream. Or he might just be staging it all for the LOLs. The entire film plays out as a series of live-streaming videos, mostly from the dashboard cameras in Kurt’s car.

Kotlyarenko’s film questions the overly prominent role of social media in modern life. “We've all kind of signed on to this thing, to use the literal expression,” he told us. “It’s part of the way we understand ourselves and our relationship with the rest of the world. It’s basically: a like or repost or a good rating on something, gives us part of our validation or sense of self and that is a kind of twisted place to be. [Spree] is a provocation, it’s a challenge, it’s a way of saying: look, we have a problem.”

Kotlyarenko had a number of inspirations in mind while he was writing and directing Spree. “A lot! A lot of movies! I actually put ten movies in a Dropbox for the cast and crew. One movie that I thought was really inspiring was Jafar Panafi’s Taxi, also known as Taxi Tehran. You want Man Bites Dog in there, because the whole thing is that the movie’s a live stream, right? So how do you do that pseudo-doc thing but now? So you’re following a psychotic character and you’re getting very close to them. Uncomfortably close. What else? Network and To Die For, just hardcore media satires. There’s a bunch of other films, like Coming Apart, do you know this film? It’s a late ’60s movie starring Rip Torn, where he’s a psychiatrist and he sets up these hidden cameras and exploits all his patients and stuff but they don’t know that they’re on camera.”

It turns out Kotlyarenko is a keen Letterboxd member, and he’s looking forward to other members generating an average rating for his film. “Dude, I hope this gets over 3.5!”

We can safely assume Kotlyarenko won’t employ measures as drastic as those adopted by the main character in his movie in order to get his desired rating.

“I want people on Letterboxd to watch the film and rate it whatever the fuck you think it is [worth]. And, you know, put it on lists and do those Letterboxd battles. Put it up against, you know, some Gasper Noé movie. And let it win!”

Kajillionaire

“Instead of sort of half-arseing two jobs, you’re doing one job really well.”

Filmmaker, actor and performance artist Miranda July is a central figure in the American independent cinema scene, even though she’s only directed two films: Me and You and Everyone We Know and The Future. Her third full-length feature Kajillionaire had its world premiere at Sundance this year, just as her previous works did, but the big difference this time around is that she stuck to writing and directing, having also played the lead role in her two previous films.

“It’s just better,” she told Letterboxd of staying behind the camera for Kajillionaire. “Instead of sort of half-arseing two jobs, you’re doing one job really well, you know? You get a lot of energy when you’re performing—that’s nice. Especially initially to kind of set the tone, that was super helpful, starting out. But now it’s like: these people all knew my work. So I didn’t have to actually be in it for them to like, get it. Which is, you know, what a dream right?”

Kajillionaire is a typically (for July) offbeat tale of a Los Angeles family who attempt low-level scams to raise money to pay the rent on the disused office space with oozing walls in which they live. The family (comprised of mom Debra Winger, dad Richard Jenkins and daughter Evan Rachel Wood) find their equilibrium challenged when an optimistic young woman (Gina Rodriguez) eagerly joins them for their latest “heist”.

Miranda July. / Photo courtesy of the Sundance Institute

Letterboxd asked July if she thinks there’s a common narrative thread running through all three of her films.

“I mean, I see the thread, but it’s really just me living my life. Not that it’s autobiographical at all. But now I was ready to face issues and tell a story that only could be told by someone who had been a child, grown into an adult, and then been a parent of a child and had this 360-degree perspective. And also I think there’s a joyfulness that only comes in once you’re like: I know a little bit how to do this, you know? Like, maybe there’s some fun that I had, as well as breaking my heart 100 times.”

Although Kajillionaire would seem to speak to general economic anxiety, July said that wasn’t necessarily the point of the film.

“All I’ll say about that right now is: I wrote it in this time and the whole thing comes from my unconscious. But I am the child of boomers and, you know, living in the same world you’re living in. The sense that something criminal might have happened is in the air, but I wasn’t consciously [thinking]: ‘I’m going to hit them hard with this political satire’. It’s not that movie. But I don’t think anyone would be wrong to find that in it.”

Beast Beast

“It allows you to circumvent all of the bullshit that is Hollywood.”

We met up with one of our favorite filmmakers (and Letterboxd member), Jim Cummings, who wrote, directed and starred in the 2018 low-key masterpiece Thunder Road, an expansion of a 13-minute short that won the Short Film Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2016.

Cummings was at the 2020 festival as both an executive producer and supporting cast member in a film in the NEXT program (which highlights emerging filmmakers) called Beast Beast. It’s the first feature from writer/director Danny Madden.

“Danny was my co-producer and creative director on many of my short films, the Thunder Road feature, and my new upcoming werewolf movie. So it’s great to be here for his first Sundance feature.”

Cummings, who also runs The Short to Feature Lab in Malibu, understands more than most how shorts can be a pathway to feature filmmaking.

“It’s just so much more fulfilling to make something as a proven concept. You kind of become your own studio in a way that’s incredibly fulfilling. I think it’s the future. You can afford to make something over a weekend with your friends in the backyard that’s a short film and then you can use that and use Kickstarter or a crowd-equity plan campaign to raise the rest of the money for a feature. It’s absolutely the future and it allows you to circumvent all of the bullshit that is Hollywood.”

Jim Cummings and Danny Madden. / Photo by Jovelle Tamayo, courtesy of the Sundance Institute

Hang on, did you say new upcoming werewolf film? Thunder Road fans can look forward to beholding Cumming’ follow-up feature soon.

“I shot a werewolf movie in Coalville, Utah last March. I spent four months out here. I wrote it, I directed in and I star in it, and it’s a proper monster movie. It’s like a proper werewolf comedy. It’s like Thunder Road with a werewolf. Or Zodiac as a comedy. That’s coming out in theaters in September.”

And because this is Jim Cummings we’re talking to, there’s more: “I ran a crowd-equity campaign for a movie that we made about talent agents that I can’t really talk too much about, but it’s very good and it’s a horror movie that we shot in November. That should be coming out around the same time.”

Possessor

“It has a lot to do with character psychology, without giving too much away.”

Following the world premiere of his new film Possessor, Letterboxd sat down with second-generation filmmaker Brandon Cronenberg, the son of legendary director David. The younger Cronenberg’s second feature (following 2012’s Antiviral) had Sundance audiences audibly wincing at the extreme body horror on display in the sci-fi thriller, which stars Andrea Riseborough as an assassin who forcibly inhabits the minds of others to perform her incredibly violent executions.

We asked Cronenberg how he feels about the term “body horror” (a sub-genre often associated with his father’s work) being applied to his film.

“I guess it depends how you define body horror,” says Cronenberg. “There are violent scenes in the film and I guess that fits into a certain aspect of body horror, but it isn’t really what I would necessarily describe as body horror. There’s a small amount of story stuff that I feel is legitimately a part of that genre, but it’s not [the] prime aspect of the story.”

Cronenberg confirmed that on-screen viscerality appeals to him in general as a filmmaker: “I think especially in genre, although it can be incredibly conceptual. It’s partly defined by deep visceral emotions, not always because of graphic violence or gore. Sometimes it can be a film primarily about dread or anxiety that I would still consider to be a horror film, and a lot of classic ghost films for instance are not graphic but are visceral and in that emotional sense.”

Actors Christopher Abbott and Andrea Riseborough with director Brandon Cronenberg. / Photo courtesy of the Sundance Institute

The violence in Possessor may have had audience members covering their eyes in Park City, but Cronenberg told us there was a point to all the grue.

“It wasn’t just there to be intense or to provoke people. It has a lot to do with character psychology, without giving too much away. The way it’s depicted and the various approaches that are taken in different scenes, very much relate to the main character, her relationship with violence, her own internal space and also where the audience is situated from a kind of more objective or more subjective position.”

[the-aaron-burmeister]

Flatiron Denver - Where I came from, Why I Came Here, and What I Think About It

Where I Came From

Who are you, anyways, Aaron Burmeister? Before coming to join Flatiron in Denver, I led a pretty unfulfilling professional life in Ellsworth, Maine. After graduating from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute with a degree in Biochemistry/Biophysics, I returned to my old stomping grounds with 2 goals in mind: A) Get a job at the local laboratory, The Jackson Laboratory in Bar Harbor, utilizing my shiny new degree and B) pay off my student loans. And I managed to do both of those over the next 5 years. I managed to get a job working at the Transgenic Genotyping Services group at the laboratory. They are in charge of validating a lot of the mice produced by the lab for use in research laboratories around the world. We make sure those mice have the mutations we are trying to cure. After several years, however, it became increasingly apparent that there wasn’t much vertical movement to be made - many of the better paying positions required Master’s or, more often, Doctoral degrees. However, I stayed in order to pay off my student loans because the money was good and I could live on my parents property for minimal cost. In addition, I started working on a Master’s in Bioinformatics at UMaine (as well as working my job). 

In early 2019, my girlfriend got accepted to a PhD program in Lincoln, Nebraska, and wanted to move in with me. Seeing as I had just paid off my debt, I agreed. At this point I had become somewhat disillusioned with biology. My career path would have required me to get a doctoral degree and work as a post-doc - something which I had no particular interest in. However, something I did have interest in was programming. Courses taken in the past and present drove me more and more into coding. I’ve always enjoyed using computers. Thus I started looking into ways to become a programmer without necessarily heading back to a 4-year college.

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Why I Came Here

I asked my cousin, who at the time was in charge of hiring new programmers and software developers for startups in NYC, for advice on which bootcamps seemed to actually deliver capable candidates. She sent me a list of a few: App Academy, Flatiron, and I can’t remember the rest. I looked up all the schools and had a few criteria for deciding: A) I value my work-life balance. I heard and read about people who went to AppAcademy work 100+ hour weeks. I thought that was insane. I’d rather take a longer boot camp that gave me time to recharge. B) I was interested in programs that offered an Income Sharing Agreement because I was running low on funds. I also felt like schools that offered these might be a bit more invested in helping me to get a job afterwards. C) I was interested in a campus relatively close to Lincoln, NE. Flatiron was the only one on the list that had one in Denver. 

These were my primary motivators to apply to Flatiron, and only Flatiron. I had no idea what the culture would be like, the instructors, or anything like that, but I did know that I wanted to learn how to be a good programmer and I would give it my all. Little did I know.

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What I Think About It

Now I am here, in Denver, having just finished my 3rd week at Flatiron. Here’s what I think and why:

The Culture - The culture has been kind of hard to describe, honestly. It almost feels a little surreal sometimes. It’s like a bunch of millennials got together and said “What if we took all the bad stuff out of school? What if we took all the bad stuff out of culture?”. Everybody seems to genuinely care about each other here, respect each other, and foster a learning environment. We aren’t just lectured at, but interacted with. Students are encouraged to teach other students, instructors come by just to say hi and see what you are working on. It’s honestly like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. And I’ve got to say - it feels amazingly refreshing. It makes wonder why the entire world isn’t like this. It just makes so much sense. We are encouraged to share our feelings with each other WITHOUT inviting comments from others. We’re encouraged to take risks, and fail sometimes. It’s okay to fail. Nobody is perfect.

The Curriculum - I can only speak to the first 3 weeks here, but we’ve basically covered the basics of Ruby programming during this time. Week 1 of the mod we have classes to help us to understand what we’re doing. The best part is, if you are having trouble with a particular concept, you can request a lesson on it. The staff will either host one that same day, or the next. What if you’re the only one? You can get a one-on-one session with an instructor. Week 2 is the week of the Coding Challenge. During this week we take a test of Flatiron’s design to test our knowledge gathered during the previous week. The best part is, you can take it up to 4 times. You can go in, realize you need to brush up on a particular concept, study that night, come in the next day, and totally nail the challenge. It takes the edge off compared to an exam in school, where you only have one shot (not to mention a lot of times tests can vary wildly in style between professors). Week 3 is Project week. This is the week where you either work by yourself (in the latter half of the boot camp) or you work with a partner to bring a project of your own design to fruition. I’ll give a little detail on my first project week below. At the end of the week, you present your projects in front of the entire boot camp. That’s it. There are no visible grades to stress over. Once again, very refreshing.

The Instructors - This is the highlight that I was not expecting when I came here. All the instructors care about you. They walk by, engage you in conversation, help you to improve your projects, and want you to succeed. It is obvious by how they speak that they care about the students and that they treat it more than just a job. They are all very friendly and approachable to boot. The respect they give us reflects the values of Flatiron. Nobody is haughty or in an ivory tower. Many of them were in past cohorts not a year before. What results is a very friendly, welcoming atmosphere. I can’t say enough good things about the instructors here.

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Mod 1 Project Week

I just wanted to touch on this briefly. This was perhaps the best group project I’ve ever experienced, and I think that the culture of Flatiron helped to facilitate that. We had a three person group, and despite the increased logistics that demands, our project went as smooth as butter. Our communication was excellent (we all agreed on rules for the group as far as staying late, how to communicate with each other). I think we all felt like we made a significant impact on the final project. One member had to leave partway through the week - we still managed to cobble together a Zoom meeting to make a required video and give the travelling member parts to work on. Another member was having trouble understanding the code we had written so far, so the other two took several hours to stop all work on the project and make sure the third understood why we coded what we did. And it was well worth it.

I just wanted to highlight this experience because it is fairly unique (at least for me). Usually groups have one person who coasts, one who does all the work, etc. I thought it was fairly notable that our group was not like that.

At any rate I’ve rambled enough for one blog post. Future posts I make will be more technical in nature - perhaps performing a deep dive into a subject or discussing some code from a project. Thanks for reading!

[texanredrose]

Countdown (Pt 1 of 2)

Here’s your only warning: angst ahead, but with a happy ending. Promise. For the Free Day.

Day -195 Winter awoke to her alarm much like every other day despite the realization that she'd turned twenty seven while she slept. Her final birthday, a marker she'd seen coming and watched with equal parts dread and grim acceptance. How else should she regard the milestone? Sitting up in bed, she cast her gaze around her military lodging. Per regulation, she would be discharged one hundred and eighty days prior to her death day, which gave her only two more weeks amid familiar surroundings before she would have to move her meager belongings into one of the funeral motels- a distasteful reality, to be sure, but a necessary one. They only existed for people like her, those too stubborn or too far gone to be welcomed back home for their final days. Getting out of bed, she grabbed her scroll and headed for the kitchen area. No doubt Weiss would call, try to arrange for some manner of bonding. Although it had taken them a few years, the sisters had improved their relationship substantially during that time, no longer at odds now that they'd similarly distanced themselves from their father. Without him constantly driving a wedge between them, they got on rather well, and their brief contact with their mother similarly proved much easier without his interference. Then again, it might be her imminent death that moved them to mend bridges rather than remaining silent until the end. That Winter, the eldest daughter, would only live for twenty seven and a half years while her mother and sister had over eighty years each seemed unfair to some extent but... it also made her invincible, in some ways. She didn't fear death. She didn't have to consider the long term health effects of strenuous work or balk at suicide missions. She didn't have to worry about anything. Twenty seven years... in the grand scheme of things, she couldn't do much with that, aside from what the military offered her. She couldn't have a family of her own because leaving them behind would be unfair. So she adopted her soldiers and defended them viciously. It won her more accolades than she could count.

But she would be lying if she said she had no regrets. It lingered in the back of her mind- children, a wife, a family of her own. A dream she wanted to chase but couldn't. Her scroll ringing snapped her out of autopilot, only then registering the bubbling of coffee and the bread toasting, as close to a breakfast as she felt necessary. She picked it up, unsurprised to see who it was calling her. "Good morning, Weiss." "Happy birthday, Winter." She chuckled, pinning the scroll between shoulder and ear as she continued making her meal. "I'm not sure if that's entirely appropriate, given the circumstances." "I don't want to be morbid about it; just because it's your last doesn't mean it can't be a good one." "I suppose you have a point," she replied, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. "How are your cases going?" "Ah, right, I... probably should've informed you already." A pause, anxiety gripping her sister then, almost audible in her concern. "I've opted to stop practicing business law." "Oh?" She raised a brow. "Have you found a different calling?" "Family court." Her other brow joined the first. "I've found that the work suits me a little better." "Really?" She lifted the mug to her lips, needing the bite of black coffee to prepare her for the day. "I would think watching families tear themselves apart would be the furthest thing from what you'd want to pursue." "Actually, I tend to think of it as ensuring the best circumstances for the children," she said, her voice turning to steel. "I'm rather tired of seeing children awarded to the parent with the most money. It's hardly a fitting scale for the child's welfare. It certainly did us no favors." "I'm glad to hear you aren't in it for the money." Her toast popped up, and she grabbed the jam from her fridge to spread across the slices. "Any noteworthy cases?" "None I'd like to discuss at present." Weiss paused, obviously hesitant to voice the next sentence but doing it all the same. "I'd rather talk about your living arrangements." That made her pause. "I already told you-" "Come to Vale. Stay with me instead of one of those wretched death motels. It's no way to spend your last six months." "I only planned to use one for the final two; there's some traveling I'd like to do beforehand," she said, sighing. "But I can make Vale my first stop... and I'll consider returning for the last month. Did you talk this over with your girlfriend?" "Blake's been the one pushing for it." Weiss admitted with a fond little laugh. "If you met her parents, you'd understand. It took her a while to reconnect with them but she's now very adamant about supporting familial bonds. Our friends may or may not be an equally strong influence." Rolling her eyes, she took a bite of toast to mull it over. "Very well. I'll be discharged in fifteen days. I'll book my flight to Vale as soon as I finish breakfast." "Excellent! I think you'll like Vale-" "I've been there before, remember?" "Right, right, but I think there's a few spots you haven't experienced fully..." Winter listened as her sister went on a long speech, expounding all the things she'd yet to see in the kingdom of Vale. She couldn't help but smile; at least she could rest easy knowing Weiss' zest for life wouldn't suffer from her passing. Maybe she could spend a bit more time in Vale than she'd originally planned.

Day -180 Winter stood outside the terminal, bag slung over her shoulder. She'd opted to travel light, having already sold or gifted her worldly possessions while going through the process of leaving the Atlesian military. In the unassuming drab olive bag sat a few changes of clothes and her hygiene kit; she needed nothing more. Well, except a ride. Checking her scroll, a frown touched her lips as she noted the message Weiss had sent her a good two hours ago, warning that her meeting with clients ran long and she'd be sending a friend to pick her up. Really, she wasn't in any hurry, so it didn't truly matter; she had one hundred and eighty days to wait. She'd accepted it. All her affairs were in order, lightly tapped into line over the past few months, and she had nothing left except seeing a few sights and spending time with the only family she cared to claim.  As easy an end as could come. Various vehicles came and went, waving goodbye to loved ones bound for airships or welcoming them back, and she contemplated taking up smoking in her final months- because, really, what harm could it do? Her aura, the life force that sustained her, would give out far before her lungs would. It wouldn't be accurate to say she didn't notice the roar of a motorcycle coming around the bend, seeing as it was rather impossible to miss, but she didn't expect for the rider to make a short stop in front of her, a bit of smoke rising up from the skid marks as she kicked out a leg and lifted her helmet clear of her head. "Wow, when Weiss said 'look for an older version of me, but more pissed off', she meant it literally!" Lilac eyes that sparkled like her smile, an unruly mane of golden locks, and skin tanned and kissed by the sun- Yang Xiao Long, if her memory served, though her sister's description of the woman hardly did her justice. "It's nice to finally meet you! Weiss talks about her big sis all the time!" "And you must be Yang," she replied, offering a hand. "She's mentioned you as well." "All good things I hope!" She laughed, shaking Winter's hand with a strong, firm grip, flexing muscles beneath her skin tight leather jacket. "Sorry I don't have a car; I prefer riding and didn't know you needed a lift until I was already out." "It's no trouble." She shrugged her shoulder to indicate the bag. "I'm traveling light." "Hey, sounds good to me!" Then she turned, digging into a saddle bag attached to the bike and fishing out a helmet. "Here. I really hope it fits alright." Winter smiled, a bit bemused. Weiss mentioned that Yang could be caring bordering on motherly from time to time and took other people's feelings seriously, but she hadn't expected someone quite so... well, genuinely kind. "I'm sure it'll be fine." "Great!" She waved a hand towards the city beyond. "Officially, I'd like to welcome you to Vale! Where do you wanna go first?" And she didn't know why, really, but she felt a smile tug at her lips. "Surprise me." And the expression was mirrored back at her. "I'll do my best."

Day -166 Two weeks later, Winter found herself with a... strangely active social life. She'd never exactly sought out friends or companions- she fell into step with some fellow service members from time to time, sure, but she didn't actively try to come across others or spend time with them. It just seemed like a futile effort, seeing as she would only have a handful of years with them. Why make her loss even more felt? But, as she'd quickly learned, Yang Xiao Long was a very hard woman to turn down. "C'mon!" The blonde laughed, smiling wide enough for a dimple to appear in her cheeks. "How have you never been to a carnival?" "I just never saw the point." She shrugged, finishing off the last bit of her coffee. They'd opted to meet for brunch on a gorgeous Saturday, when Yang's job permit her time off. "Cheap rides and cheaper prizes- I don't see the appeal." "It's about the experience!" She spread her arms wide, voice taking on a rather whimsical quality. "I mean- the music, the screams, the cotton candy, the flashing lights, the pings of the ring toss, all of it's great! And the view of the city from the top of the Ferris Wheel? How can you pass that up?" Raising a hand, she conceded defeat. "I'll at least admit that you make it sound far more interesting than I thought." "Hey, if you're still skeptical, why don't you give me the chance to prove you wrong?" She jerked her head. "There's one down by the docks. I could pick you up around five?" On the one hand, it would at least be cool enough by then to bear, seeing as she hadn't quite acclimated to Vale's warmer climate yet. On the other... "I find it hard to admire the lights you've mentioned with the sun up." "See, that's the beauty of it." She waved a hand. "We go a few rounds on the bumper cars, we play some games, maybe a ride or two, and then we can grab some good, greasy carnival food and catch the Ferris wheel as the sun sets." She smiled again, eyes sparkling. "What do ya say?" "Count me in," she replied, finding herself more and more agreeable with Yang's suggestions. Ever since the woman opted to surprise her with some of the best food- home cooked at that- she'd ever tasted and a trip out to Beacon Falls when she first arrived in Vale, Winter couldn't really fault her self appointed tour guide's tastes. "But at the end of the night, when we're both lamenting how much time we'd wasted, I want you to remember this conversation." "Oh, I will."  Winter didn't know she could enjoy someone's company so much. She'd never really had a best friend before but Yang... she made it impossible not to consider her for the position. An infectious laugh, a kind and caring demeanor, a penchant for joking- a proverbial sun to brighten her day. While she couldn't quite return that- razor sharp her wit might be, but it tended towards the biting sort, not the funny kind- she somehow provided the woman with something, considering how often they met for little talks like this. It made her heart ache a little. With her time so limited, it would've been nice to have known Yang earlier in life. Perhaps they could've been more than friends.

Winter sighed, relaxing back into the seat as the Ferris Wheel began to turn, raising them into the twilight sky. As much as she hadn't admitted it aloud, she'd found their activities at the carnival were a great deal more entertaining than she'd expected. She'd won a cheap teddy bear at the dart toss, and felt more than a little proud of that, and Yang had won a stuffed dog of some sort at the 'test your strength' game, proving the muscles in her arms and core weren't just for show, even if the air had turned a bit cool by a Valen's tastes for the halter top she wore.  "So?" Yang turned towards her, settling an arm across the back of the seat. "How lame are carnivals?" "Very well, I concede defeat." She rolled her eyes at the woman's wide grin. "This was a lot more enjoyable than I expected. Truly an experience worth having." "See, now that's what I'm talking about!" She chuckled, waving a wand in front of them. "And this is the best part! I mean, look at this view!" Blue eyes roved over the cityscape, lights beginning to flicker on as the sun sank beyond the horizon. "Personally, I'm partial to the roller coasters, but this is nice." As they ascended, the wheel stopped to admit new passengers, until they sat at the very top. "Ya know, some people think that Ferris wheels are kinda romantic." She returned her attention to the woman beside her, raising a brow. "And why is that?" Yang had her own gaze trained on the sights below them, a small smile on her lips. "It's kinda intimate? Alone, on top of the world, night falling... seems like the perfect time to sneak in a kiss, yeah?" "That does sound rather romantic." Again, her thoughts turned to her single regret, that she would never indulge in the secret, strong desire for a family of her own. A partner to kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel- how bittersweet that the night would provide her with both a wonderful experience and a daydream that would never be fulfilled. Then she noticed Yang turning, the arm she'd rested on the back of the seat curling around Winter's shoulders, trying to coax her closer as the woman's head tilted. She quickly put a hand on the blonde's shoulder, stopping her advance immediately. "Huh?" Yang leaned back, blinking at her a bit owlishly as a blush began to rise in her cheeks. "Oh, I thought- sorry, I just-" "There's no need to apologize." She offered a small, sad smile. "If I had more time, I'd take you up on that offer. But as it stands, I've less than six months. There are better uses of your time." "Wait, what does that have to do with anything?" Confusion splayed across her expression as the wheel began to turn again. "Just because your time is running out doesn't mean you stop living." "That's a nice sentiment." She chuckled, touched by a bit of dark humor. "But I've lived all I wish to; now, it's just a matter of waiting out my remaining days." "So, what? You're just going to give up?" She withdrew her arm, running her hand across her bicep where a long, golden dragon tattoo wrapped itself around a white rose. "Haven't you ever heard it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?" "I've never seen the sense in that," she replied, sighing. "I've lived my life without regrets and without apologies. I've become exactly the sort of person I set out to be. Were I to become involved with someone now, it would just be a blip- nothing meaningful. There's no reason to pursue something I'll not have the chance to finish." "You never 'finish' loving someone." Yang slumped slightly in her seat. "It doesn't work like that." "At any rate, I'm afraid it's one of the many mysteries I'll not have the chance to unravel myself." "You mean, you won't take the chance." "Semantics." As they approached the platform, she glanced back at Yang. "How long do you have? If you don't mind the question." She gave a mirthless chuckle. "In total? One hundred and forty six years. Plus some change." "Oh." She blinked. "That's... quite a long time." "Runs in the family." A sigh left her lips. "Downside is, I'll end up watching a lot of people die. I'll get left behind. But, at least, I can choose who leaves me behind like that now." She shrugged. "And I'd choose you." "Forgive me for sparing you that pain." As the attendant raised the bar so they could exit, she looked back at Yang. "Save it for someone who can give you years, not months." "A month from the right person is worth years from someone else." She said nothing in response even as Yang fell into step beside her, the two heading for the parking lot. A rather sour end to an otherwise pleasant experience but she tried not to dwell on it. In the end, it was for the best.

Day -162 Winter pressed her lips together in a thin line, maintaining her sister's stare for a few moments longer. Then, she relented. "What would you have me do?" "You're more than entitled to conduct your affairs as you see fit," Weiss said, a thread of annoyance in her tone. "But you did lead Yang on; you could've made it very clear from the beginning that you didn't wish to entertain anything romantic." "She knew very well why I'm here. She could've drawn her own conclusions." A bit unfair a claim, perhaps, and maybe she'd noticed that the attention she'd received from Yang wasn't the platonic sort, but it still should've been obvious. "If the circumstances were different-" "The circumstances, as you call them, and entirely within your head." Her sister wagged a finger at her, and she had to be a bit proud that Weiss somehow learned to stand up and buck those whom she admired. "Yang's aware of the situation and still wants to try. If you're turning her down because you feel it's a waste of your time, then tell her that. But don't try to blame her for it." "That's not-" "That's exactly-" "HEY!" They both stopped, turning to look at the Faunus frowning at them from the kitchen. "Stop fighting about it. Weiss, I appreciate you sticking up for Yang, but it is Winter's decision. Winter, you could've turned Yang down in a better way than making it seem like having a shorter countdown is a reason to not consider a relationship. You could've just said you weren't interested." "That would be a lie, though, and I still don't see the error in my logic," she said, not nearly as inclined to quit the field just because Blake had spoken up as her sister. "It's perfectly sound-" "Almost everyone will die before Yang." Feline ears flicked back, a subtle display of her mounting aggravation. "She's known that since she was young. Most people don't have the sort of aura she does, the sort of time, and it puts a lot of people off. They don't want to get involved with someone they know will outlive them by decades and they always say it's for her sake. She's just tired of people making that determination for her." Winter sat back in her chair. She hadn't considered that angle before. "But some don't, correct? Use that excuse, I mean." "I didn't." Blake shrugged, disappearing back into the kitchen for a moment before returning with two mugs of coffee, setting them down on the table for the sisters. "We didn't date for long, but we learned a lot about ourselves from the experience." She bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of Weiss' head. "That's how I found out I need a little more friction from my partner. Someone to challenge me." "Which I certainly do, some days more than others," she replied with a fond smile, tilting her head back for a proper kiss before Blake went back for her tea. "But more to the point, relationships- or dating in general, for that matter, it's not about finding forever right away. It's about the potential." "Except, there is no potential here." She spread her hands. "My time's almost up." "And when it is, are you certain you'll be at peace with never knowing?" Weiss raised a brow. "Perhaps you and Yang aren't meant to last anyway." Blake sat down beside her, wordlessly offering her hand so they could sit, side-by-side, fingers interlaced, their chosen beverages in their other hand. "But perhaps she'll be there at the end." Winter's gaze lingered on their hands before she looked away, busying herself with her coffee. For a woman already slated to die... would a taste of ambrosia really be so terrible an indulgence? And if it turned to poison on her tongue, what could the harm be? Perhaps it wasn't too late to mend one last bridge. She still didn't think pursuing a relationship would be wise but she could at least reach out and apologize for her thoughtless words.

Day -157 If she didn't know any better, Winter would be very hard pressed to think anything could be remiss. Yang seemed in high spirits as they walked through downtown, heading to a little restaurant that didn't get nearly enough attention considering the quality of their cuisine, according to the blonde anyway. In fact, she seemed just as upbeat as ever. But she didn't quite press close like she used to, verging on invading personal space but not quite crossing the line. Her gaze seemed focused elsewhere, rarely on Winter, when it seemed like her attention rarely wandered before. Most obvious of all, however, was the complete absence of teases and jokes, those little flirtations that had fallen from her lips so freely. This could not continue. "We don't have to do this," she said, her voice soft. "We can be cordial without overt acts of friendship." "What?" Lilac eyes snapped to her, then immediately darted away. "I mean- I, uh, I'm not following." "I'm saying that, if I make you uncomfortable, just say so." Yang pressed her lips together, looking down at her feet for a moment. "It's not you; I'm just... I like you, Winter. I wanna get to know you a little better, ya know? But I get it, you don't want that, so it's gonna take some time for me to... get over it." Her brows pinched together. "You mean, you're still interested in me? How?" For a moment, they just blinked at each other, and then Yang started laughing, shaking her head as she walked. "You really don't see it, huh? You're a heartbreaker, Winter." "I beg pardon- what do you mean by that?" She hurried to catch up to the woman, a frown on her lips. "You're just- you're kinda amazing!" She glanced over. "You've got this poised and dignified thing going on, like you're above it all, but then you turn around and you swear under your breath and you get annoyed over things like anyone else. You've got a sweet side that you don't always show and I like coaxing it out. And you're just- you're steady. You're like the ground beneath my feet." She shrugged. "It's hard to put into words but I just... feel good around you. You laugh at my jokes and you listen to what I have to say and it makes me feel invincible." "I don't see how-" "Hold on, lemme finish." Lilac eyes sparkled, though there seemed to be a hint of sadness about them. "See, I know if I see it, others can, too. Have you ever thought of how many people have fallen in love with you without you ever being the wiser?" She hummed. "I suppose I haven't." "Yeah. That's what I meant. You've probably broken a lot of hearts, just being you." Another shrug. "So, yeah. I'm kinda bummed you aren't interested, and it's going to take a while to get over, because I still look at you and see marble over steel, silk over iron, and it still gets me. It just takes time for it to... not. I'll get over it, eventually." They walked a few more steps before Winter spoke up. "I never said I wasn't interested in you." "You aren't interested in a relationship," she said, waving a hand. "Same difference." A shrug. "Perhaps my thoughts on that have changed." That brought Yang to an abrupt halt. "Wait, did I hear that right?" "You did." Winter nodded, clearing her throat. "Now, you must understand that this will only be temporary-" "Hey, don't ruin the fun!" She smiled wide, enough for that dimple to reappear, and linked their arms together. "We both know we're on a clock. That doesn't mean we have to focus on it!" "I suppose you're right." She chuckled, both amazed and a little proud that something so small could make Yang so happy, and that she'd been the one to cause it. "And try to give me some... slack. I don't exactly have much experience dating-" "Then I'll be your teacher." She laughed, a happy and free sound. "Lesson one? I'm gonna be your rock. So lean on me if you need to and don't be afraid to speak up, alright? You can always hit me up just to talk." She tapped the side of her head. "I'm a pretty good listener." "As long as you'll do the same," she replied, tone turning serious. "I do prize honest communication." "I picked up on that." Yang smiled, leaning her head to rest against Winter's shoulder. It felt... words couldn't describe it. Having someone so close, actually touching her, being so... she'd never allowed herself to focus too heavily on what she'd be missing, not pursuing that single daydream she harbored. Now, she could tell with utmost certainty that it would be her only regret. Still, despite the melancholy, she couldn't help but feel warmer and lighter with Yang beside her. Perhaps it would never satisfy her deepest desire but maybe she could still enjoy what she could while it lasted. "Oh, and one more thing. Just for the record." Yang hummed curiously and a smile curled her lips. "I think you're quite amazing as well." A chuckle and a squeeze of her arm were all she received in response.

Day -143 Dating Yang, as it turned out, was akin to breathing air. She fell into it much easier than she expected- or perhaps it only felt like that because the woman seemed patient to a fault. Either way, it became habit to grab her scroll and send a text before even getting out of bed, wishing Yang a good day and hoping she slept well. "Are you sure-" "I'm fine, Snowdrift! I got this!" Talking to her became as easy as before but their conversations turned deeper, more personal. Yang confided in her- her fears, her worries, her weaknesses, her triumphs. How she felt more than a little cocky after showing up some rude customer who'd tried to con her into giving a discount, how she cried for a week when her favorite character in a tv show died, how she had to restrain herself and busy herself with other things to keep from hovering around her little sister, how she worried that, in the end, she would have little to show for her long life span. Winter learned that beneath the cheer and jokes lay a glass heart- golden and true, yes, but pieced back together after being scratched and gouged. "Sundrop. I'm right here." "I'm getting the hang of it!" Yang loved freely and she'd been hurt for it but she threw herself into everything with the same vigor regardless. Perhaps more cautiously, perhaps with more restraint, but with no lack of fire in her soul. Winter admired that, adored it even, and she'd swallowed her pride and admitted Weiss and Blake were right to talk some sense into her. It would break Yang's heart when she passed but, for every minute they had together, they made them count. And she'd emerge all the stronger for it. "Yang." Lilac eyes flashed her way, one of her stubborn streaks possessing her as she clung to the rail for dear life. "I said. I got this." "It's been fifteen minutes and you've moved two meters." Winter raised a brow, nodding towards the little entry door to the indoor rink. "I'm not saying it's an insurmountable task; I'm merely offering a shortcut." Perhaps ice skating, though, wasn't the best suggestion for a date. "Look..." Yang tried closing the distance and standing up straight but nearly lost her balance again and went back to clinging to the rail. "... okay, fine." She puffed a breath up, ruffling the golden bangs peeking out from beneath her cap. "I've never ice skated before." "I surmised that." She chuckled, holding out both hands. "Give me your hands." "But-" "Trust me." Such a simple phrase. Such a powerful one. Without another moment's hesitation, Yang took her hands, awaiting the next set of directions. "Now, just try to focus on your balance." And then she was skating backwards, dragging her girlfriend with her, and bracing as best she could against the jerks and hesitations from the woman as she tried to find her balance. It amused her, how off kilter she seemed, but Yang did her best to not use her superior strength to her advantage and bring them both crashing to the ice.  Which, in itself, was rather telling. "Okay... I'm getting the hang of it." She nodded, tongue poking out in that little way she had as she concentrated. "Indeed." Winter smiled, noticing she could lead them into a gentle turn without a jerking motion to answer her. "It's almost like you've stopped feigning inexperience." Blonde brows climbed high before she barked out a laugh. "Can't get anything past you!" She shrugged, pushing off with her skates and adding to their momentum. "I learned when I was really young but I haven't skated in years." "Then why pretend otherwise?" She didn't really concern herself with the little fib, not until she'd uncovered the reasoning at least. "Isn't it obvious?" She chuckled. "I didn't want to embarrass myself! I'm still trying to impress you!" "Impress me?" Now, she laughed, shaking her head. "You needn't worry about that. You're perhaps the most impressive person I know." "C'mon." She rolled her eyes, using the next turn to turn herself around and skate beside Winter, keeping one hand clasped in hers while the other swung wide. "Your sister is a lawyer, she's dating a community activist, you're practically famous in your own right- that's a lot! And I'm just-" "Hold on now," she said, wanting to correct a few misconceptions immediately. "What makes my sister impressive, in my eyes, is that she broke away from a toxic environment and built a life she can be proud of in doing so. Next, what makes Blake impressive is that she's made mistakes in her life and found a way to not only overcome them but make amends as well. And the only thing I find impressive about myself is how I'm incapable of boiling an egg without step-by-step instructions but can disassemble an Atlas Paladin and put it back together in less than two hours without so much as glancing at a manual." Her expression softened. "And you are not 'just' anything. You started your own business and built it from the ground up, working out of your own garage until you could open a proper shop. You provided for your sister and supported her through university. And you did something only three people can even claim: you changed my mind." She skated a little closer, lowering her voice. "Frankly, you've yet to do something that doesn't impress me." "You really think that highly of lil ole me?" She tried playing it off with a laugh but her cheeks turned a bit redder, and it had nothing to do with the cold of the rink. "Gotta say, I didn't expect that." "Then you probably didn't expect this, either." She smirked, shifting her weight and pulling on Yang's hand as she switched to skating backwards, now in control of their momentum. As her girlfriend struggled to keep her feet, Winter lead them to the middle of the rink, the stopped short, bringing them close together- close enough for her to lean down and steal a firm, deliberate kiss. At first, she stiffened, caught off guard, but then she came roaring back to her senses and held her close, fingers digging into Winter's jacket. When they parted, she wore a dopey grin on her lips. "Well... got me there. Didn't expect that either." "Not as intimate as the top of a Ferris wheel, admittedly," she said, aware of the various eyes upon them, the little awes from adults and either confusion or excitement from children, but ignored them all. "But I do hope that was sufficiently romantic." "Hmmm," Yang replied with that twinkle in her eyes. "I dunno. Might need to try it again for a real comparison." "Where's the next carnival?"  She'd planned on some manner of travel, simply to pass the days. This proved to be a much better use of her time.

Day -139 "What's on your mind?" Winter blinked, turning away from the view outside the airship window to see her girlfriend's expression pinched into concern. "Nothing." Yang watched her for a moment before sitting back in her seat. "Alright." She winced. Fooling the woman turned out to be much harder than she'd anticipated and it just made her feel lousy besides. "It's just... Weiss is keeping secrets from me." "How do you know that?" Something about lilac eyes watching her carefully made her think that perhaps the odd behavior she'd noticed had an explanation- one her girlfriend seemed privy to, for some reason. "Usually, Weiss allows me free roam of the house, whether or not she's there." She frowned. "Lately, I've noticed she tries to... steer me clear of wherever Blake is. Not in overt means, of course, but I've hardly seen her in the past week for some odd reason." "Well, it might not be the solution you're looking for, but why don't you move in with me?" Yang shrugged. "Maybe they just need some space." Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You know why Blake's avoiding me, don't you?" "Yeah," she replied instantly, expression twisting. "But it's not my place to tell. I get where they're coming from, even if I disagree with how they're handling it." Winter hummed, slipping an arm around Yang's shoulders, coaxing her girlfriend into leaning her head against her shoulder. "You think that if I moved in with you, it would improve matters?" "Something like that." A short chuckle. "Plus, I just like the idea. Sometimes, I can be an opportunist, ya know." She remained silent for a moment. Frankly, she'd been ill accustomed to roommates, having never shared a room as a child and often finding herself in positions where she had single housing while in the military. Moving in with Weiss and Blake came with challenges, but they'd adjusted well.  Now, however... "I suppose we could move in together," she said, a smile curling her lips. "I don't have much in the way of personal belongings, outside of what you've bought me." "Hey, some of that stuff is hand crafted!" She playfully corrected, then sighed- content. "We could pack up your stuff when we get back. Have you set up in no time." "Would I have my own room?" The airship began to descend, making to land in Vacuo. They'd opted to combine the search for a carnival with Winter's desire to travel, Yang more than capable of turning the shop over to her crew for a week or two. Silence for just a moment too long. "I mean... my bed's big and comfy. I've got room in my closet. The bathroom's attached and it has a killer tub." As always, Yang offered her a choice while making her own thoughts known. Not an outright refusal to utilize her guest bedroom but a tempting sell on sharing the master. "We haven't slept together."  It was both an excuse and not. Winter hadn't wanted to delve into the physical side of a relationship- somehow, she connected sex with the sort of bond that was meant to last, not one under a time limit- and Yang hadn't objected. However, with every kiss, she found herself wondering... would a little more be so wrong? A little more friction, a little more heat, a little more passion- what could they explore together, what could Yang teach her, what could she learn for herself? "Yet." Her girlfriend offered, voice soft. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to golden locks. Yang had a point.

Day -126 Winter lay spent, sweat cooling on her skin and panting, listening to her girlfriend's attempts to catch her breath. Although she'd moved in upon returning to Vale a week ago, they hadn't actually done anything aside from sleep in the same bed until tonight. Not for lack of willingness, from either party; rather, it stemmed from a touch of romanticism on Yang's part, and she'd cooked a full meal that they'd shared by candlelight to build the atmosphere. "Hey... Snowdrift?" She turned to see the wide, lazy grin on the woman's lips. "Anyone ever tell you you're a fast learner?" A laugh burst from her chest, invigorating her for a moment to roll over, laying on her girlfriend for a moment and hovering, staring into those lilac eyes. When they kissed, it wasn't the heat from before- slow, languid, reveling in the feel of their skin pressed together, hearts slowing in tandem. Winter hadn't been a prude before- one in the service would inevitably be exposed to carnal descriptions, either in jokes or just the complete lack of boundaries between soldiers- but she'd always discounted what she'd heard as exaggerations born of boredom and poor prioritization. Better to make it sound like a worthy investment of time than merely an aerobic exercise. Experience, of course, gave her a new perspective. "I have a superior teacher." Yang laughed, wrapping her arms around her, indulging in more kissing and cuddling before her expression turned downright wicked. "Just you wait. There's a lot you don't know." Despite the promise, they both found themselves settling down after that, preparing to turn in for the night. Yet... she found herself not wanting the contact to end, not very keen on returning to their usual opposite sides of the bed sleeping arrangement. "Sundrop?" "Do you really want to go another round?" Her girlfriend teased, lightly pushing at her hip to encourage her to move. Which she did, rolling onto her side and watching the woman settle for bed. "No, I have a different request in mind." "Oh?" Yang stretched her arms above her head, yawning wide and relaxing fully into the mattress. "Wuzzat?" "May I... touch you while we sleep?" A frown touched her lips. "That's perhaps poor wording-" "Are you asking to spoon?" She perked up, excitement replacing the mischief in lilac eyes. "... spoon?" Yang laughed. "C'mere, you." After a bit of shuffling, she found herself being cradled in her girlfriend's arms, Yang's forehead resting against her shoulder blade. "How's that?" Winter breathed in deeply. "... better..." "But?"  Her girlfriend seemed genuinely confused, and she hurried to clarify. "Is there any way... I could hold you like this?" A hand stroked along her hip as Yang laughed. "You wanna be the big spoon, huh?" A kiss pressed to her shoulder. "I'm super okay with that." They switched positions, allowing her to nestle among golden curls. "I'm not on your hair, am I?" "Nah." Her girlfriend yawned, already falling asleep. "Night, Snowdrift." "Good night, Sundrop," she replied, closing her eyes and nearly dropping off but kept awake by two mumbled words. "Love you." The deep breathing that immediately followed proved that the woman hadn't said them consciously, had probably meant to kept them to herself but groggily let them go. Winter's eyes opened, watching the sliver of broken moonlight catching in golden strands as her heart swelled. Just two months of knowing each other and dating for half that... it felt like a whole other lifetime. A new life, one where she'd been able to indulge in every idle fantasy, and in that time, she'd come to believe the words herself. "I love you, Yang." Carefully, she leaned over to press a kiss to her shoulder before settling back down. She would say them again in the morning- as many times as she could. Avoiding love had seemed like the pragmatic answer before but now that she'd allowed herself a taste, she couldn't drink enough, and Yang made it so easy. She loved wholly and freely, let her fall as deep as she wanted, strong and steady enough to catch her but trusting enough to buckle and lean against her as well. It felt... well, like she'd always imagined. Yet, better, because Yang could be as unpredictable as a storm, as passionate as fire, and as quick as lightning. "And I owe you an apology." She whispered into the night. "This is meaningful." To her, at the very least.

Day -125 If Yang's reaction to waking up and hearing 'I love you' served as any indication, it was meaningful to her, too. And Winter learned a little bit more that morning.

Day -113 Winter sat across from her sister, noting ever nervous pick at her sleeves and skittish glance. In public, perhaps she'd be so concerned about her appearance, but not in the comfort of her own home- not that she seemed comfortable in the slightest. Weiss and Blake had taken the news about her change in living arrangements well, though a bit of guilt lingered in their expressions, and they'd seemed more at ease for a time. However, a hushed conversation between Yang and Blake the night before during a double date dinner seemed to prompt some sort of change, hence the invitation. But a pot of tea later, Winter couldn't tell what seemed to be preying on the woman. "Weiss-" "We didn't plan it." Their gazes met briefly before she ducked her head, drawing a steadying breath. "We weren't sure whether or not we should tell you. If it might... bother you. It wasn't intentional-" "Weiss, I'm still not sure I know what you're talking about." She raised a brow. "You've yet to mention that part." Her sister winced, though her lips appeared to be at war, caught between smiling and frowning. "Blake's pregnant." Immediately, her expression brightened. "Congratulations!" Of course it stung. Frankly, it might've hurt worse two months ago. But now? She wouldn't want Weiss and Blake putting their lives on hold, waiting for her time to be up. She would never know her niece or nephew or any of her sister's children... but that didn't mean they wouldn't know her. "How far along is she?" "We just got the confirmation a few weeks ago." Now faced with Winter's approval, Weiss glowed with happiness, smiling wide. "We're hoping for a girl. Blake's family is predisposed to them too, so there's a good chance. The morning sickness has caused a bit of an adjustment but..." Winter smiled and listened intently, reveling in her sister's excitement.

She heard Yang come through the front door even as she set up the scroll, leaning it against a book on her desk in Yang's little tinkering room. "Snowdrift?" "In here!" She called, waiting for her girlfriend to find her and greeting her with a smile and a kiss. "Welcome home." "Heh, thanks." Lilac eyes fell to the scroll. "Whatcha up to?" "Weiss told me the happy news." She nodded towards the device and papers laid out in front of it. "I thought I'd record a message for the little one to watch when they're old enough." "Oh." And she saw something, then, the spark of an idea that would no doubt be brought up again later. For now, it got filed away, as Yang instead smiled and nodded. "That's a really nice thought. I'll go get started on dinner while you do that." "I could-" A sharp look silenced that offer; after her last attempt cooking dinner, she'd gotten into the habit of ordering some manner of delivery before her girlfriend got home. She'd just forgotten today. "If there's anything I can do, let me know?" "I will." Yang started heading back towards the kitchen. "Focus on that for now." "Right." She nodded, looking at the camera on her scroll and sighing. "Right." Reaching forward, she started the recording, glancing at the notes she'd made to ensure she covered everything she wanted to say. "Greetings." She paused. She sounded stiff and formal- a realization she'd come to after being around her girlfriend's much more relaxed demeanor. So, she stopped and tried again, restarting the recording. "Hello. I'm your Aunt Winter..."

Two hours later, she emerged to find Yang settled on the couch, watching some show while their dinner stayed warm in a pot on the stove.  Wordlessly, she went to her girlfriend, not bothering to announce her presence until she'd curled up beside her. Yang merely chuckled and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "So? How'd it go?"  "I accomplished my mission," she replied with a frown tugging at her lips. "I just hope it conveys what I want it to." "Can I watch it?" She smiled. "I can give you a one hundred percent unbiased opinion." Winter raised a brow. "Okay, ninety-five percent." Even that number seemed too high but she relented, hoping Yang wouldn't inquire as to how many tries it took to get right. She queued up the video and held it out, watching her own countenance fill the screen. "Hello, little one," the recording said, a small smile on her lips. "I'm your Aunt Winter and, by the time you're old enough to understand this, I'll be long passed. However, there are some things I must impart upon you before I go." Her expression turned a bit more somber then. "I'm not sure which surname you will bear when you're born, little one, but Schnee blood will still run through your veins. With that heritage comes certain standards, ways to conduct yourself, and a single rule you must follow." Her shoulders straightened, chin tilted up, eyes piercing as she continued. "As the next scion in a long proud line, you absolutely must pursue your own happiness." Every feature softened as she continued. "We're headstrong and nigh impossible to dissuade, so it's important you remain focused on the right priorities- yours. Don't bend or bow to those without your well being in mind and don't compromise yourself; believe me, you'll be stronger from surviving those who'll try to break you. I have no doubt your moms will fully support you doing so." She sighed. "And try to give your Mother some slack. Her heart's in the right place and, when you're old enough, you'll see that you'll do the same thing; being passionate and being right don't always align. It's a challenge we Schnees face: having patience and respect for others rather than just our own goals." She paused. "Or... perhaps that's just me. It's something I learned perhaps too late. My life hasn't been very long but I've managed to learn my fair share of lessons along the way. I'll pass what wisdom I have to you." Her smile pulled a little wider. "Know that you're loved, little one, even now and it will only grow with time. Know that, sometimes, it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. Know that your Mother Weiss is trying her hardest and doing an excellent job and that your Mommy Blake is much stronger and more brave than you think. Know that they didn’t start out that way, that the challenges they overcame helped them become the people you see before you, and that you will grow like that, too. Know that your Aunt Yang is no doubt going to sneak you cookies before dinner and will always guard your secrets and your Aunt Ruby can literally build anything and will always look out for you. Know that you have before you untold opportunities and untested abilities. Know that the only person who will determine how far you go in life is yourself and, know, even if you stumble and stutter and fall, that your family will be there to help you back up." Her gaze deviated then. "I wish I had the time to know you. No doubt I'd love you just as dearly as the others; I already love you so much now. But if an after life does exists, I'll be your guardian angel; speak to the north wind and I'll hear you. You will never be alone." Tears gathered in her eyes but her voice remainder strong. "Play often and rest when you can. Fight when you must and try not to hold grudges. Above all else, enjoy your time, because no matter how long you have, it's going to feel far too short." Then, she saluted. "March on, little one, and hold your head high. You're a Schnee, and you've already made me so proud. Keep it up." The video ended and Winter looked to her girlfriend holding back tears. "Yang?" "It's good," she said immediately, scrubbing at her eyes and laughing. "It'll mean a lot. They- I think they'll really like it." "Yang, what's wrong?" Worry colored her tone as she set aside her scroll and gathered the woman into her arms, stroking through her hair gently. "Talk to me." After a few minutes to compose herself, she started, turning into the embrace and clinging to Winter. "It's just- my birth mom, she ran out on me, yeah? And I just- she could've done that. Left me a message, done something to let me know that I'm- that I wasn't a mistake or a waste of her time." She drew a steadying breath. "She didn't have to mean it but... it would've been nice to hear." "Oh, Sundrop." She believed that it constituted part of the reason for the reaction, sure, but something about the way Yang wouldn't meet her eyes had her concerned there remained more to it than that. However, best to handle one thing at a time. "You're certainly not a waste of anyone's time. Please don't think that." "I know, I know, I just- it's hard not to think about sometimes." A watery laugh. "And thanks, ya know. For calling me Aunt Yang. I know Blake's gonna ask me to be godmother and all but hearing it... you hit the nail on the head." She smiled. "This kid is gonna be loved. No doubt about it." Winter nodded, waiting for a few moments before gently prodding. "Is there anything else on your mind?" For a moment, she thought Yang might break. But then she just shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I think the message is great, but I also don't think those two are the kind to stop at just one kid." "A valid point," she replied, opting to set her concerns aside for the moment. "But I think I should eat something before I try making another one." With that, they got up and went to fix their dinner, but Winter kept a close eye on her girlfriend for the rest of the night. Something seemed to be on her mind... but she would have to wait for it to come to bear.

Day -107 Winter made a few more videos over the week, mostly addressed to any subsequent kids Weiss and Blake might have. Her sister seemed genuinely touched she’d made them and Blake all too happy to safeguard them in the meantime, though the couple tried- in vain- to insist they wouldn’t have a big family. Maybe one more, they said, but she could see the way they looked at each other and didn’t doubt for a moment they’d have four or more.

But she found her attention pulled away from making more videos by Yang’s odd behavior. With just a little under half her remaining time spent, perhaps it was the looming deadline beginning to prey on the woman’s mind.

At any rate, it required further investigation.

The moment she heard the door open, she closed the book she’d used to preoccupy her time. 

“Hey!” Yang set her motorcycle helmet down and shook out her hair. “What’s up, Snowdrift? No welcome home kiss?

She offered a small smile and got off the couch. “My apologies. I’m afraid my mind’s been a bit preoccupied.”

“Oh?” After their kiss, Yang kept her close, hands on her hips. “Wanna share?”

“I feel like you’ve been acting a bit odd recently. As if you want to talk with me about something but keep refraining.” She ran her hands up and down the woman’s back, noticing the way her posture changed, eyes looking away, body turning as if she wanted to break contact. Yet, when Winter ducked her head, encouraged her to meet her eyes, her girlfriend didn’t balk. “You can tell me anything, you know. I promise I’ll listen. No judgments.”

“You... really don’t want to hear this.” Yang mumbled, shaking her head. “It’s just a stupid thought-”

“Is it important to you?” Reluctantly, she nodded. “Then it’s not stupid. Regardless of my opinion on it, it’s not a stupid thought. Tell me and let me form my own opinion.”

This time, her girlfriend did pull away, but took one hand in hers and led her to the couch, sitting both of them down. She then took a moment and composed herself, choosing her words with care. “What if I stopped taking my birth control?”

“Why would you do that?” Of all the topics in the world, this happened to be the last one she expected they’d discuss. “Is it... making you sick or-”

“Well, aura pregnancies are pretty rare. We could leave it up to chance-”

Winter jolted, sitting up straighter and incidentally pulling away from her girlfriend. “Aura pregnancy- Yang, what are you talking about?”

She remained silent for a moment, drawing in a steadying breath before taking the plunge. “I want the chance to carry your child.”

“No,” she replied, instantaneous, getting to her feet and pacing. “Do you even realize what you’re talking about; I’ve hardly three months left.”

“I know that.” Yang got to her feet as well, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know there’s a big chance it won’t happen anyway and I know that, even if I do get pregnant... you’ll be gone before the baby’s born... but...”

“There is no ‘but’ here.” She shook her head. “I’m not going to leave behind a child that’ll never know me-”

“They’ll know you, the same as Weiss’ kids.” A frustrated sigh. “Look, I know it isn’t what you want-”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.” Winter looked at her, the pain in her chest nearly crippling as those secret daydreams she’d entertained flashed before her eyes. “You don’t know how badly I want a child, a family- you have no idea what this life has denied me.”

“You mean what you’ve denied yourself.” Yang’s lips twisted, a bit of anger coloring her tone. “I get it, I can’t understand what it’s like having so little time. But you don’t have to give up on everything else. There’s ways around it, to try- it might mean only having a taste but it’s something.”

“Not now.” She shook her head, waved her hand, denied as best she could. “Are you even listening to yourself? It’s- it’s impossible, Yang. I don’t have a chance for a taste of anything- it’s too late for me. I can’t just leave you alone to raise our child by yourself.”

“My dad did it.” Her expression softened slightly. “Being a single parent... yeah, it’s hard. It can be hell. But it’s not impossible and at least, this way, our kid would know they’re wanted, that if you could be here, you would. That- I don’t think you understand how much that means. That could be enough-”

“How could it possibly be enough?” Winter sighed heavily, turning away. “Please understand, in any other life, I’d be with you. I’d- I’d marry you, I’d start a family with you, I’d be completely devoted, every moment of my life, because I would have that time to give to you. In another life, there wouldn’t be any hesitation on my part.”

“But this is the only life we have, Winter,” she replied, crossing the room and putting a hand on her shoulder, turning her gently so their eyes could meet. “This is all the time we have. And when it’s over, if all I have left of you are memories... I won’t regret this, because I love you, so much it hurts and scares me. But... to have a kid, a little bit of you living on- that means something to me, too.”

The words were born of a helpless sort of anger and pain but they left her lips too quickly for her to catch. “Then you’re being selfish, wanting to have a child purely so you can cling to past memories.”

The hand on her shoulder disappeared but Yang didn’t say a word for a long moment. When she did, her voice sounded heavy with tears that wouldn’t fall. “Yeah... maybe you’re right.”

Regret lanced through her heart. “Yang, I didn’t- I’m sorry.”

But her girlfriend had already turned her back, heading towards the bedroom. “I’m gonna change. Get out of these clothes. Call for pizza. I don’t feel like cooking tonight.”

“Sundrop, wait-” The closing of the door sounded much louder than it should’ve and Winter stood there, flinching at the sound.

She thought about following Yang into the bedroom- watched the door for half an hour before the pizza arrived while she debated- but ultimately decided to give the woman some space. Plus, she needed the time to properly formulate an apology; her words were harsh and unnecessary, she didn’t want to hurt her girlfriend and she shouldn’t have lashed out at her.

For the remainder of the night, Yang stayed in the bedroom, only leaving to grab some of the pizza. She avoided eye contact but Winter could see her puffy red eyes, the dried tear tracks on her cheeks.

Winter opted to sleep on the couch that night.

Day -106 When morning came, Winter waited in the living room for Yang to come out. She hadn’t slept much, plagued by the argument from the night before, but at least she’d decided on what to say. Provided she had the chance to do so, of course.

The moment the bedroom door cracked open, she shot to her feet. “Yang-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lilac eyes didn’t even glance her way as she made a bee line for the kitchen, ignoring all else. “The conversation’s over, case closed.” A mirthless chuckle. “I told you it was stupid anyway.”

Seeing as words would do her no good for the moment, Winter crossed the room, heading her girlfriend off before she could slip into the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around the woman’s waist, pressing back to front, and rested her chin among golden locks. Her embrace wasn’t so tight as to completely prevent Yang from escaping- any pressure and she’d relent- but it at least made her give pause.

“It isn’t stupid,” she said, her voice soft. “Before I knew how long I had, I had dreams. I wanted a wife and a family, children of my own. I wanted to raise them better than my parents raised me.” Winter paused, closing her eyes and tilting her head so she could rest her forehead against the back of Yang’s head. “But then I became old enough to understand how little time I had left. I wanted to be there for my children and support my wife; bereft of that, knowing I wouldn’t be around to protect them... I couldn’t abide it. So I put those dreams away. Until I met you.” A sigh, heavy and deep. “I’m sorry for accusing you of being selfish. For the longest time, I convinced myself that it would be selfish of me to pursue those dreams, knowing I wouldn’t be around to see them through. It... assuaged the regret of never trying, thinking I’d taken the nobler path... but that doesn’t excuse my behavior last night. I am sorry.”

Yang sighed, not quite encouraging her embrace but not breaking it either. “Apology accepted. We both got a little heated last night.”

“But you were right. I did give up on those dreams.” She held her girlfriend a little tighter. “What does it mean to you? Having a child?”

She turned in her arms, encouraging Winter to open her eyes. “It’s an expression of love. Finding someone I love enough... that I want to see a part of me and a part of them, together. I mean- you’re not entirely wrong. It is a way to hold onto the past, onto you. But it’s not just you- it’s both of us. Every time I look at them, I’m going to be reminded of this.” Slowly, Yang drew her into a kiss- soft, sweet, and slow. “I want this part of you to live on and, in my heart, you always will. But there’s a chance another part of you could live on- a part of you that’s also a part of me.”

“Very well.” She swallowed thickly, trying to hold her emotions in check. “Make me a promise.”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me they’ll know.” Winter did her best to keep her voice steady but it broke anyway as tears slipped. “They’ll know how much I wanted to be there for them. That I love them even though I’ll never know them. Promise me they’ll never think otherwise.”

Yang gave her a small, sad smile. “That’s a promise I look forward to keeping.” 

A nod as Winter leaned forward, burying her face in her girlfriend’s hair. And she sobbed, clinging to Yang, because in her mind, she could clearly picture it- the blonde laughing and playing with a small child with lilac eyes and white hair, both happy and content, and she so badly wished to be part of the picture.

But she never would be. As much as it hurt, it also brought a smile to her lips, because there stood a chance she could see it from whatever afterlife she’d earned for herself. And maybe, in time, before her end came, she could take solace in knowing they would carry on even after she fell.

That would be her legacy and she could ask for nothing better.

“Did you mean what you said last night? In another life, you’d marry me?”

“I’d marry you in this one if you’d let me,” she replied softly between sobs.

“You still have to ask.” A small chuckle and a kiss pressed against her jaw. “Even if you know I’m going to say yes.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve dreamed of asking someone to marry me?” Winter confessed, stifling her tears long enough to draw back and look at the woman properly. “I hope you’re ready.”

“Hit me with your best shot, Snowdrift.” Yang smiled, wider than she had in weeks. “Blow me away.”

Part 2 is coming shortly.

[bowiemonroee]

The Interview

 William Monroe has been ordered court-mandated therapy following a DWI and drug possession conviction. Here is his intake interview.

PART 1: THE BASICS

What is your full name?

What? Your cheap paper doesn’t have that information already? Christ. My name’s William Monroe but I never introduce myself as such or any variation. I go by Bowie and that’s it.

Where and when were you born?

Again, more information you should have. August 11th, 1994 in Manhattan.

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)

My father, if you can call him that, is the CEO of Monroe Pharmaceutical. Yes, the same Monroe Pharmaceutical that charges you an exorbitant amount of money for your medications. My mother, Viviane Monroe is a socialite. Her wealth is from steel. They look like they have a perfect marriage but it’s far from it. He sleeps with his secretary and hookers and she downs Valium to keep that perky little smile up. They make it work. To be fair a divorce would not only harm their social credit but their financial standings as well. As parents, she’s better than he is. She can genuinely fake interest in our lives. He can’t be bothered. She owns her awfulness. He thinks he’s father of the year.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Ugh, my fucking sisters. The middle one, she’s following in my mother’s footsteps. She’s a “classy philanthropist”, prim and proper. The good egg, if you will. A complete angel compared to me. So selfless and kind and blah blah blah. Give me a break. She only does that stuff because it makes her feel good about herself. Where’s the selflessness in that? You can’t complete acts of kindness for the gratitude and expect to still be a good person. She also drinks her daily three bottles of wine and complains about how father never came to her dance recitals. Give me a break. And then the youngest. Her life revolves around flowing trends and making them or whatever. She’s one of those girls on instagram posting about skinny fit tea and hairy gummy bears or whatever. Companies send her thousands of dollars in products in the hopes of getting attached to some stupid picture that’ll get thousand of mindless likes. probably all the attention she needs since father never gave it to her Their lives are both shallow and purposeless.

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.

I live with my two dogs in a Penthouse apartment near One World Trade.

What is your occupation?

I’m a filmmaker, an artist.

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks.

What is this? A dating profile? I’m 6’0, 181 pounds, black hair, green, like a hipster Steve Jobs as my sisters would say, no tattoos, minor scars from falling as a child, no distinguishing marks. I’m boring. What can I say?

To which social class do you belong?

The polite answer is upper class. The real answer is “the richer than you” class.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

I’m allergic to pollen and red dye #40. Well, red dye is more of intolerance but whatever. I still eat it because I’m not a little bitch. Physical weaknesses? I had a torn rotator cuff when I was younger but I still have pain in that shoulder.

Are you right- or left-handed?

I’m always right.

What do you have in your pockets?

Money, Black Card.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I’m perfect.

PART 2: GROWING UP

How would you describe your childhood in general?

Eck, I mean, I had everything I wanted, right? I’d sound like a complete scumbag if I said “oh, my childhood was sad because my parents weren’t there and they didn’t pay attention to me and I was raised by nannies and sent to a $13,000 summer camp every year instead. Poor me.” I’m sure you’d love to hear some sob story about how all of that lead me to using drugs for fun. Yeah, fuck that whiny shit. My childhood was great.

What is your earliest memory?

I don’t know how old I was probably old enough to read at least. I was at my Nana’s house and she was watching this film Festen or The Celebration by Thomas Vinterberg. I can’t recall what it was about the film but I fell in love with filmmaking in that moment.

How much schooling have you had?

I went to the Dalton School from K through 12. Then NYU for college…which hasn’t ended yet, but whatever. Perfection takes time.

Did you enjoy school?

Elementary to 12, eh. High School got interesting when I could take more visual art classes. College was better because once those well rounding core classes were done I could get to the good film classes.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

I mean, good filmmaking isn’t taught. I can’t pinpoint where I learned things. It’s just stuff you see, like, then add to your repertoire. 

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.

Role models? Please. Role models are pointless because people will always let you down.

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

As kids, my sisters and I were alright I suppose. As good as siblings can be. My father and I never really got along. I guess what the feminists are calling “toxic masculinity” was an issue with him. He didn’t think the arts was a place for a male. I was meant to run a business. Wear a suit. Manage over sheep. Blah blah blah. My mother, I tried. She tried. We cohabitate. It works. The only person I’d consider myself close with is Nana.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Oh for fucks sake, I don’t know. I guess I wanted to be what all little kids want to be. A doctor. A police officer. A firefighter. Then I grew up.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?

I liked art or rather, painting on the walls and floors, reading, making models and dioramas, causing trouble, having tantrums.

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?

I was an extrovert. Very loud and talkative. Charming from what I’ve been told. I could talk my way out of trouble and into extra cookies, etc.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

Of course I was popular. Throughout school, my best friend for a lack of a better word, was Edmond Hamilton. He was a good kid. Strong and a good listener. He was the bronze to my brains. His father was a senator and his mother a pediatric surgeon. His parents weren’t home much so we through a lot of parties at his house. He had this cousin too, Anthony. He wasn’t wealthy like the rest of us. The senator’s brother, Anthony’s father, had a gambling problem and his mother, a drinking problem. As a result, he just wanted to find people he felt he ‘belonged’ with. Well, of course we’d ues that to our advantage. We could usually convince Anthony to steal stuff for us, do our dirty work. Edmond’s a big wig hedge fund manager and Anthony’s in prison. In high school, I fucked around with Rei you know, just as something to do. I outright told her that but you know, I’m not responsible for her feelings. I also fucked around with Alana Kingsley too.

When and with whom was your first kiss?

I think I was 10, give or take, and it was with…what was her name? Victoria Calloway.

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?

Mmm, a little personal aren’t we doc? Well, if you must know, I followed in the tradition of all the male Monroe’s before. On my 16th birthday, my father got an escort and that was that. I know what you’re thinking, how problematic it is. How a child that young can’t make a choice like that, yadayadayada. Save it. I’m fine.

PART 3: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

Neither. Both are ridiculous concepts. You can’t generalize yourself in that way. Do I have a brighter outlook on some experiences, sure. Grimmer on others. I’d say I’m more cynical than anything.

What is your greatest fear?

Why bother with fear? Fear is what you have when you think you can’t do something or that you’ll fail. I don’t do either of those things.

What are your religious views?

Religion is awesome. Think about it. The very few have the power over the masses all because they claim to be a voice for some divinity. How genius is that? They can control these people under the guise of a better afterlife? Sign me up to be the leader of that. That and also look at the drama it incites. How would you not love it. 

What are your political views?

I don’t care either way but I was raised Republican.

What are your views on sex?

It’s a fun necessity.

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?

No, absolutely not. That’s just a ploy or something that society has made up in order to get people to marry and procreate in a specific set of parameters. It’s absolute bullshit.

What do you believe makes a successful life?

Realism. Being real will lead you to success. But then again, I’m also a chronic, pathological liar. But I’m real about the characters I develop.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?

I’m always honest.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

I think comics are low art. I don’t know if that counts as a bias? And I think I’m smarter than everyone so that might be one too.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

I don’t put limits on myself.

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)?

Maybe my dogs but that’s about it. No one deserves my death.

PART 4: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

I’m polite to everyone however, our definitions tend to differ I suppose. My politeness is truth centered. I’m not going to sugar coat my words to spare your feelings. That wouldn’t help you grow as a person. All these people with thin skins need me.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

Me, myself, and I. Should be self-explanatory.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

If I have to pick someone, I’d say Lars Von Trier. Excellent filmmaker.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

Eck, best friends. I try not to have friends like that because again, people let you down.

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.’

That’s a joke, right?

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.

I love myself.

What do you look for in a potential lover?

I don’t look for potential lovers.

How close are you to your family?

I talk to my sisters at least once a week. My parents maybe once a month. About as close as oil and vinegar. We exist in the same salad dressing bottle but like never really together.

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?

I mean, not that I know of but who’s really to say. I’d assume if I impregnated someone she’d probably try to sue me for child support or something. But as of right now, I don’t have any desire to have kids or a family for that matter. If we haven’t noticed by now, I’m selfish as fuck.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

Rich probably. Or Mr. Franklin.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

Rich, because it’s his job.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

Probably my dogs, Benedict and Constance.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

Declan Wentworth. That son of a bitch tried to embarrass me in front of the entire school by pulling my pants down during the student body elections. Jokes on him. Not only did I win president, which I didn’t even want because I was only running as a joke, but it made a rather good impression among the girls in our grade if you catch my drift.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

I don’t argue. I state facts and people get butthurt. That’s not my issue.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

I’m naturally charismatic, what do you think?

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t say I particularly like it. I could go either way. But I do enjoy being in charge of them and making them do stuff so.

Do you care what others think of you?

Fuck no.

PART 5: LIKES & DISLIKES

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Ugh, I hate this question. People always ask this when they don’t know what else to ask. As if what I like to do says a lot about who I am. Please.

What is your most treasured possession?

My Varicam, my Minolta.

What is your favorite color?

Black and I don’t care if that’s a shade.

What is your favorite food?

The Tomahawk Ribeye from Bowery Meat Company.

What, if anything, do you like to read?

Mostly things about cults or charismatic leaders.

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)?

I enjoy a good film, watching people argue, lying, etc.

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?

All of the above and absolutely not. I’m no quitter.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Typically Saturday night? There’s no such thing for me. I’m either out gallivanting the city or throwing some sort of getting together at my place. 

What makes you laugh?

People falling.

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

The stupidity of others although I shouldn’t be surprised.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

I’d go find some shit bar to sit in. Maybe cause a fight or something. Not between me and someone. Between two other people. It’d be interesting to watch.

How do you deal with stress?

Drugs.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

Spontaneous.

What are your pet peeves?

Ignorance. Goody two shoes.

PART 6: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?

Routine? I don’t believe in routines.

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Everything.

What is your greatest weakness?

Nothing. 

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Again, Nothing?

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted.

Are you generally organized or messy?

Messy is a sign of weakness. I have no weaknesses.

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Just three? Fine. Filmmaking, pissing people off, talking. There’s nothing I’m bad at so that question isn’t valid.

Do you like yourself?

No. I love myself.

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

I’m pretty accomplished right now so I’m good. Thanks. 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Still rich. Still causing trouble.

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

In a blaze of glory probably. Something dramatic of course.

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

Have a final meal at Bowery Meat, do a fuck ton of coke, set my apartment on fire.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

I don’t care if people remember me after I die. 

What three words best describe your personality?

Amazing. Perfect. Talented.

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Again, Amazing, perfect, Talented.

[1422kilometres]

Here are 10 + 1 things I learned while organizing our wedding: 

1. Don’t have expectations from people. Especially not the reaction you would like them to have. You are the star of your narrative, but for other people you are just a supporting role. 

2. Don’t overshare in the beginning. Keep some secrets and share bits and pieces only when things cannot be altered. 

3. It is a myth you cannot organize a wedding in less than half a year. I did it in 2 months, and you can do it too.

4. Making comparisons can spoil your happiness. No two weddings are the same, so don’t be afraid to take an alternative route. 

5. You can never be overprepared, so start early and be efficient.

6. Don’t overestimate the superstars. There are a million talented, kind-hearted vendors out there who are not so busy and unattainable as the biggest names in the industry. Rising stars are more eager to work with you than the actual megastars with a million clients. 

7. Be a good client. I got a lot of positive feedback about being a “dream client”, which is of course an overstatement, but I firmly believe that the universe gave me this title in exchange for all those years spent working with really sucky people in the creative industry. So…write detailed, but concise and clear briefs and never ever forget to be kind. 

8. Early spring can save you a lot of money and headache. Since everyone wants a late spring or summer wedding, all the vendors are booked “in the season” or the ones that are not booked are extremely expensive. However almost all the offers I received contained an “out of season” discount for early spring which was very lucky, as I have always wanted an early spring wedding with lilacs and cherry blossoms in bloom. That is my favourite time of the year. 

9. Use the advances of modern technology. It is quite romantic to jot down pieces of information in your Moleskine and put a little heart over the i in the word wedding everywhere. But on the long run your mailbox, Google Docs, Instagram, Pinterest, Word and Excel will be better friends if you want to be efficient. 

10. DIY. I have a clear vision for a couple of things I want to have at our wedding e.g.  the material of the ring holder, the wedding collar for my dog, the bouquet I am going to throw away. Instead of briefing someone and paying a lot of money to have these done, I will just do/order them myself. Outsource things you cannot do e.g. photography, the cake, a wedding arch etc. but don’t let everything out of your hand. 

+1. Try to enjoy the process as much as you can. Do it together with your spouse, but everyone should do the part they are good at. Take mental snapshots of important milestones (and actual photos too). Appreciate this amazing journey you are about to take as a couple. And don’t forget to talk about something else every now and then. :)

***

A little additional background info:

Disclaimer: I have the most wonderful friends and family in the world. I feel extremely lucky to have them in my life. 

BUT. :D 

Since I started organizing our wedding I realized that people can’t be genuinely happy for each other. They can act like they are, oh my, they can be real Meryl Streeps about it, but I don’t think they truly are, not without an ulterior motive. I am not throwing stones, I probably did the same whenever my friends and relatives were getting married. 

Iliza, my favourite female comedian grasps this in a hilarious way in her latest Netflix special, the Elder Millennial. In that she talks about people’s reactions after she told them she got engaged. It is dead on. Just watch it, you will see. 

Even when your people try their hardest and ask questions while putting up their best “I’m so happy for you” facade, you still feel a certain undertone. A pulsating little “bore someone else with this” stare or vibration in their voice. Or in some other cases, they are really happy for you and then hit you with a question like: “You are not inviting cousin this and that??? But they will be insulted!”

In spite of it all, I am having the time of my life organizing the shit out of our wedding. I think all of my project management experience, all of our travels around the globe and all of my control freakishness led up to this point: the wedding.

Don’t get me wrong, it is not going to be a big, fat, Hungarian affair. It will be a tasteful, romantic little ceremony in my home town on a little island, in the middle of a lake. There won’t be a party afterwards, because we don’t like wedding parties (at least we have never been to a really good one). The bride and groom cannot spend quality time together and they cannot spend quality time with anyone, because there are at least 50 people around them waiting to be entertained. The food is usually mediocre at its best, the music sucks, some relatives always get drunk and being around them becomes just bloody awkward. And there is the added pressure of “how long it is appropriate to stay”. 

We decided to have a more intimate celebration, where we have the time and energy to BE with each other and make it to the hotel afterwards in time for our bedtime. There will be a dinner after the ceremony, with our parents and siblings in a great restaurant (Márga Bisztró on the Szent Donát estate) with the most beautiful view of Lake Balaton I have ever seen. Also, the day after we will have brunch with our closest, most dearest friends at the lake. What could be more perfect than this?

Another thing we are doing different is that we are not asking for presents and money either. We do want people to bring us envelopes, but instead of money, we want them to write kind notes, or pieces of advice for married life, or next week’s winning lottery numbers, or just draw or take a photo of something and give it to us. 

All of this of course would not be possible without the help of the most amazing people in the wedding industry. I would like to share a list of our vendors, because we are so extremely happy with them. They are incredibly nice and helpful people with impeccable taste and for a reasonable price in each and every case. Our invitations are currently being prepared by the Fanatic Calligrapher, and she is absolutely amazing. She has just sent the first draft and we are in love with it. Our photographers will be Just Stay Natural, a couple I worship on Instagram. My bouquet and the decor will be created by the incredible Toboz Művek , they are effortless, efficient and extremely kindhearted people, and their works take my breath away. I also ordered a couple of decor accessories from Natural Wedding Decor, they have some beautiful products that perfectly fit into our vision. The cake is from Egy csipet torta, who were  the biggest POSITIVE surprise. I was really afraid at the beginning that they have become such superstars that it will be next to impossible to work with them, which was the case with some of the VIP people in the wedding industry. But I was wrong, they are nice, professional and responsive and I cannot wait to taste their cakes and design ours together. We also wanted macarons for a dessert bar and who else would do it better than Chez Dodo. The fingerfood for the ceremony will be provided by an old high school classmate, running a very modern and healthy catering service, Four Bites.  David’s outfit will probably come from Massimo Dutti, although that we haven’t decided yet. One thing is for sure though: he is going to wear a high top Supra, because we both heavily dislike traditional “formal” men’s shoes. He will look so rad! We will also have a consultation with Ági of Dimesso about the rings in February, we are so looking forward to that too. 

And when it comes to my dress: it will be another dream coming true, as I will be marrying the love of my life in Daalarna Couture. Initially I saved up for it and then David surprised me with it for Christmas. I am so humbled by how lucky we are to have found each other 7 years ago.

I hope I deserve David and our life together. 

And I also hope I am not dreaming all of this. 

***

The photos are credited individually, but here they are again from top to bottom: Egy Csipet Torta, Just Stay Natural, Chez Dodo, The Fanatic Calligrapher, Toboz Művek, Daalarna Couture, Natural Wedding Decor, Just Stay Natural, Dimesso. 

[adollarformythoughts]

American Immigration Standards and the Misunderstanding of Family Separation

Every industrialized nation has immigration laws in place.  America is one of those nations and has controlled the influx of people since British colonization.  The British registered all people who came to America by ship rosters.  Ports required registration and taxes to be paid when a boat arrived.  After the revolutionary war, immigrants were required to report to Ellis Island to register.  With that being said, people still argue that America should have open and free borders.

The American deficit at the end of 2017 was $665 billion.  The largest amount paid towards undocumented immigrants is through health care.  A total of $18.5 billion of federal funds was spent on undocumented immigrants in 2016. In addition to those medical services, immigrants are able to partake in public school, utility services, housing services, food programs, etc.  The money received from the federal government is in addition to the allocated funds from each state which varies based on that state’s budget and allocation to each program.  Frankly, America cannot afford to open borders to all immigrants without those immigrants coming to our country legally and being eligible for employment and taxation to support themselves.  If they are not registered, they do not obtain identification numbers.  Without identification numbers, they cannot participate in employment or taxation.

A common argument against open borders references crime rates.  It is difficult to support this argument because every immigrant who passes the border without completing the required registration is, by definition, a criminal.  Therefore, every undocumented immigrant has committed a crime.  It is understood that the major thought processes focus on murder, rape, etc., but do you want to share your community with someone who lacks the ethics and morals to make the decision which best suits that community? With that in mind, we should not forget that Mexico, the country which provides the most undocumented immigrants to America, has the second highest homicide rate in the world, second only to Syria.  If we allow everyone from Mexico to cross our borders, are we not then allowing them to bring their crime with them?

Many Democrats are calling for The Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to be removed.  Many Americans don’t seem to realize that the day to day function of ICE also consists of stopping human and sex trafficking rings and illegal drugs from passing through our borders unchecked.  Because they are also the leaders in border control, political parties are calling for the complete culmination without thought to the effects that this action will have on other areas of oversight.

National security remains at the top of most governmental agency agendas. The world sees hundreds of terrorist attacks a year from ISIS alone.  I fear that today’s millennials are too young to remember the fear, grief, and determination that every American had after that day.  Those in their 30s and older have no excuse for not understanding the need for safe and secure borders.  Without these measures in place, America would be much less safe than it is in its current state.

Lately, it has come to the media’s attention, possibly as a result of the May 2018 zero tolerance decision, that immigrants are being separated from their children at the borders. While many are just discovering this, those of us familiar with government legislation and the law have known that this has been the law for over twenty years.  In fact, the memorandum specifically references laws that were already in place in the United States Code.  It is also important to note that this was not POTUS’ order, but a decision from Attorney General Sessions based on the 203% rise in illegal immigration between 3/2017 and 3/2018.

In 1996, The Illegal Immigration and Immigrant Responsibility Act was passed. This Act outlined when, why, and how deportations would occur.  The Act specified that undocumented immigrants would be incarcerated in the project facility which was built in Anaheim, California while they awaited trial.  In the midst of the adult incarceration, children were being left unattended.  The Illegal Immigration and Immigrant Responsibility Act never specified the treated of accompanied children unless they were refugees under the battered women and children clauses.

Yet, before the Illegal Immigration and Immigrant Responsibility Act, the Flores Settlement Agreement was imposed in 1987.  The Flores Settlement was overseen by the Human Rights First non-profit in California.  The case originated in 1985 based on immigrant children being detained. This settlement specified that when a parent is incarcerated as an illegal immigrant, the child was to be sent to be with family within the United States. If there was no family in the United States, the child would be released to a licensed agency for foster care.  In principle, America was already using the standards of detainment, it just wasn’t enacted until 1996.

Zero tolerance policies and standards in law enforcement are not a problem. All laws should be followed with a zero tolerance policy.  Undocumented parents have been being separated since at least 1985 when the Flores case originated.  Are the masses only just realizing that this is occurring and now they have a problem or have they never cared until it was an item of discussion under the current POTUS?  I have shared the links to The Illegal Immigration and Immigrant Responsibility Act, The Flores Settlement Agreement, and the Attorney General Memorandum for you to peruse at your leisure. I have also left you some quotes to ponder.

©   Doc Ward, DPA

https://cliniclegal.org/sites/default/files/attachments/flores_v._reno_settlement_agreement_1.pdf

https://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/ocomm/ilink/0-0-0-10948.html

https://www.justice.gov/opa/press-release/file/1049751/download

“We are a nation of immigrants. But we are also a nation of laws. It is wrong and ultimately self-defeating for a nation of immigrants to permit the kind of abuse of our immigration laws we have seen in recent years, and we must do more to stop it.” (Bill Clinton, Remarks At State Of The Union, Washington, D.C., 1/24/95)

“Real reform means establishing a responsible pathway to earned citizenship -- a path that includes passing a background check, paying taxes and a meaningful penalty, learning English, and going to the back of the line behind the folks trying to come here legally. (President Barack Obama, Remarks At State Of The Union, Washington, D.C., 2/12/13)

“While Congressman Huffington voted against new border guards, Dianne Feinstein led the fight to stop illegal immigration.  I'm Dianne Feinstein and I've just begun to fight for California.” (“Feinstein’s TV Attack On Immigration,” Los Angeles Times, 7/10/94)

“The American people are fundamentally pro-legal immigration and anti-illegal immigration. We will only pass comprehensive reform when we recognize this fundamental concept.” (Senator Chuck Schumer, Speech At The Immigration Law & Policy Conference At Georgetown Law, Washington, D.C., 06/24/09)

“The bipartisan taskforce of seven has been hard at work on legislation that echoes the spirit of the Senate bill and upholds our basic principles: to secure our borders, protect our workers, unite families, and offer an earned pathway to citizenship.” (Press Release, “Pelosi: Senate Action Moves Us One Step Closer To Comprehensive Immigration Reform,” Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi, 6/27/13)

Quotes are courtesy of https://gop.com/flashback-democrats-talked-tough-on-immigration-rsr/

[sammlethal]

Anyone ever tell you that they do not love you? At that point when you have stars in your eyes and that person fills your heart to bursting? Have you ever given someone every single emotion there is to give? From rage to tears of joy? Emotions from both your personal stock and theirs?

Its like we live in a time period where actual love is dead. Everything is selfish. Everyone. Me included.

My father quit on me. Packed all mine and my siblings belongings into small plastic shopping bags and dropped us off 6 hours away in my mothers neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I had to hold my brother and sister's hands while knocking door to door, looking for my mom. I was 12.

That was a couple years after the era of beatings, after the era of divorce. After that Friday afternoon day at school; my mother was the school bus driver before the divorce. Everyday we rode home with her. Until my father picked us all up. It was fun for us kids. We NEVER got picked up, and by our father! What a thing! He drove us to our pastors house. We did not see our mother again for almost 5 years. In the State of Virgina, in the late 90s, it wasnt considered kidnapping for a biological parent to take off with the kids if they stay within state lines. And my mother must have given up after that. I imagine the evil that was my real father, and how crushed and scared she must have been. Only now do I know what it is she felt.

That was after the molestation of me and my sister by our God father/Sunday school teacher/the churches singing coach.

Then there was my first love. I was 17. She was 16. By 19 we had a daughter, her name is Serenity. My ex was a freak. My demanded things from me that I could not give her, not physically. So in order to keep her and my kid, I let her have her satisfaction and pleasure.

I guess someone screwed her over because she fabricated these fake police reports about a guy who kept coming after her and she said she called the cops over and over and he wouldnt leave her alone (she was 6 months preggo when this happened) and she didnt feel safe and I beat him up. I beat him up bad. Almost killed him. Turns out she lied and he had been paying her for preggo nude flicks and videos amd she felt he still owed her money. So she used my insecurities and my nature and set me on a course that led me to 5 years in prison. Then she left me. Yeah I know. I'm a fucking idiot. My only defense was that i was young and dumb and in love. Or so I thought. No really...i thought it was the right thing. That I was protecting my small, new family. And damnit man, family means the world to me. Probably because mine has been so fucked up lol.

Anyways I get out in 2015 and I meet a girl. She rocks my world in all new was and we CLICK. Like...humor and taste and the world issues we care about and nerdy things and the SEX IS ON FIRE. And I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I broke her heart. I got drunk. I started the road to becoming my biological father.

Then she left me. Which was biggest, greatest thing she could have ever done for me. I went spiraling out of control and ended up living in the woods.

Until she calls me one day. I had a new girlfriend. We did not CLICK lol...and as soon as me and her spoke I turned to that girl and told her we were not gonna work out.

You see. Me and my lady had a son together. A beautiful, handsome as hell and adorable baby boy. And he really became my world. I walked 7 miles to meet him. My feet had popped blisters by the time I got downtown and saw them. The whole time I'm walking I'm hopping she didnt leave. That she would wait. And she did.

Then I messed up again. I scared her. That time between when we broke up and when she came back...i did not do good. I found cocaine and alcohol and it led to a very big fight between the two of us. That night we fought I have never been more like my father than right then and there. And I payed for it. The next morning I was arrested. No one thought of rehab. No one had the sight to see the root of the issues. Or no one cared. It was back to prison for me. A parole violation.

I got out. We tried again. I failed again. Only this time nothing horribly bad had happened. She just wanted an escape. I know this because she has since told me so. That she wasn't IN LOVE with me and needed an escape. We had been split up almost a week. I will never forget. It started on a Wednesday night, I left and went to my mothers. That following Sunday the police beat down the door and arrested me AGAIN. Only this time nothing bad had happened. Not really. She just didnt want to be with me. And so she sent me away. For two more years. 2!

I get out. I find peace finally. I start taking care of mental health.

She comes back! Again! And once again I leave my girlfriend at the time, who by the way, had a heart of gold and did not deserve to get caught up in mine and my lovers drama. I will forever feel guilty about that and I hope she forgives me over time. But at the end...no one can replace my son's Mother. She is my other half. My best friend.

We've been going since April? May? It had been a few years and I had just gotten out a few months before and the Covid just hit so I was trying to get the family court papers started. I got in touch with a private detective to find her so I could have her served. The the last thing I expected was to get a call from her.

And here we are. I am struggling to learn all the important, fundamental life lessons that my parents failed to teach me. I am struggling to learn those crucial relationship lessons we learn when in our twenties...that era of my life that was spent locked away.

All i want is my family. Is to be loved. And to ve able to return that love. My life could have went a few different ways. But here I am, doing the right things as much as I see them. I beat myself up when I fail. I work hard doing general construction. I'm good at it too. I start school in the spring. Nothing fancy just community college. I am an awesome dad. An awesome lover. And I have a huge heart.

ALMOST every single day I am with my little family. My son's Mother and my son. She doesnt want me to move in...which I understand. She claims to be an introvert. Which I also understand. (Along with beating, my childhood was also spent locked in my room, grounded, for days on days on days).

And dont get it wrong. Me and her have some issues. Mine (I think?) are just basic life things I'm trying to wrap my head around, like I said, the things my parents failed me on. But at least I know that. I admit it. And I'm trying. Because I'm a good man who has been through hell and because of that hell, I love with a feirceness, I don't give up. I am patient. And I generally have a positive outlook on life. I would I am doing good, all things considered. Her issues? Jesus fucking Christ. You would swear the world is ending right now.

She is constantly breaking up with me. For example, this weekend I gave it to her in a way neither of us have had...im talking sex here...we both have this...fetish, both of us (how rare?) And we both click when we do these things. Anyways I left her empty of all juices. Then I massaged her a little that night, telling her how good and amazing she is. Then another nice massage a day or so later. She thanked me after the last one (massage I mean)...saying how her back didnt hurt in the morning and how she got her yoga done.

And now we are broken up. Right now. Again. It was last week when it happened. She calls me on Wednesday or Thursday and says that I got in her head. Then this awesome weekend happens. Then an awesome start to the week. Then tuesday, doing construction, I think i pulled something in my leg or gave myself a small hernia, because after work I was in pain and sore. I asked told her I wanted to stay home. Rest up. That the next day we were supposed to start this big window replacement job. 20 something windows. But no. We argued over it. I dont know why. I think she just really missed me. Or so I thought. And said she needed help with our son. She always says that, then when i get there and dinner is over, the rest of her night is spent on her phone (which she is sneaky with), on the TV, or MAYBE catching up on homework. Says she is tired after a long day of working from home, on the phone and computer. Doing IT. But I do physical labor. And if I complain that I am sore or tired she just thinks i want to sit at home on my PlayStation or watching netflix, instead of taking the responsibility to be there for our son. Which remember, I am ALWAYS THERE. Unless she has decided that I am horrible, in which case she breaks up with me, and I spend the next couple of days hurt and crying and missing my family. I can not move in with her and my son. She does not want her family to know. (My mother told me she would disown me if me and her got back together. But it did not stop me. Because i am a man, and she is my woman. He is my son. And this is my life)....and is so stressed and anxious that will find me over there. I have actually, more than once, had to run and hide because her family popped up.

So yeah, I walk over there. This was Tuesday. The day when I think I pulled a muscle. I walked. She says that the only reason I walked was because she had to yell at me. But man...see these text. You would swear I am the world's largest dick head. In reality she said all these things in front of my son. That night I touched her. Massaged her just a little...soft touches. We made love. I woke up throughout the night with leg cramps. Woke up the next morning so tired from lack of sleep and hurting leg muscles. Called the doctor. Had to miss work. Turns out that yep, I gave myself a small hernia. Then WALKED on it lol.

So when we talked yesterday. I told her that the doc is pretty sure I have a hernia...my appointment was today and yes...yes I do have a little hernia. Doc wants me to rest but I'm pretty sure I have to work. Anyways so yesterday, before she picks our boy up from daycare (by the way, kuddos to you moms who work from home AND have kids to deal with at the same time. You girls are superheros!)...which I agree with daycare. He is an only child and he needs interaction with other kids. It's important for his development. Anywho, she ask me before picking him up if I want to come over. I tell her no, tell her what the doc said. By this point I have been there everyday since Friday. While on parole and breaking cerfew and worried about that. (Which I got questioned on. If I didnt worry about parole before, why now? And I dunno. Thats way of anxiety? But good thing I did because he came by this morning and I was here. Had I been there with her, I would have been here and would be on my way to a big ole parole violation. But no. In her eyes I dont do enough. I have to be there every day, no matter if I'm sick or sore or in pain. That is what she said. That a real parent never quits.

I'm just so confused. I didnt quit. He can come over here to my place whenever he wants. Ive told her this. I have told him that. Of all nights for the two of us to stay at our respective homes, last night was it. I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN AND CAN BARELY MOVE.

But she broke up with me again last night. Or better yet, said that we have been broken up. She said she doenst love me anymore.

How? Literally all we do is laugh. Have amazing sex. We are awesome parents. I literally dote on her. Massage her. Touch her softly. Like for real, I EMPTIED her of all juices, have seen her cry...actually cry, from pleasure. She makes 50x more money than I do, but I still give her money because I don't want to feel like a burden.

I dont get it. I really don't. I give the shirt off my back. Gave myself a hernia. All I want is belong to a family that doesn't quit when the anxiety comes. Who doesnt take a lifetime of anxiety and stress and then blame it on someone else simply because they are what is in front of you at the moment.

How can someone be so smart and not see that? Or not want to?

Its 2020. We live in a world that encourages us to lie to ourselves. To lie to ourselves about our nature. We all believe we are good. Harmless people. Who would never hurt anyone or cause ill will. What we fail to see is that yes, we do cause all of these things, and then some. We are not perfect. We are human. We will hurt other people. We will lie. The great tragedy of the world isnt this in and of itself...these different hurts and heart aches are as old as humanity is....war, peace. Love and hate. The great tragedy is that we have been led to believe that we are beyond that, that we good, perfect people. And so when we do hurt others, its not our faults but theirs because how can I, this wonderful human being in the modern age, ever hurt someone? I have a car, a job, I'm a good parent. I'm a good boss. Whatever it is. We justify who we are by our level of success. And this is wrong.

And when she ask me why I love her after everything. Those moments when we both see the truth and see who we are, those are the moments when she ask me how I'm the world I can actually love her knowing all this. Dealing with all this. How? And I dont have the answer. I just know that my heart beats for the two of them (her and my boy) and it always will and I really hope one day she comes around. I'm waiting for that.

Some men find that one lady, that one lover, and there is nothing else after her that we want. She has it all. And that is me. That is her.

I love you

[paniccord-ff]

53.

Rylee fell asleep so I came home to get a few things for the baby and Rylee, I also need to drop Royalty off at Mijo’. Rylee did really pee herself, I mean, is it even pee, I have no idea. I cleaned up the water where I could, threw the pizza away, picked up the wet clothing and threw them away. I just cleaned up a little so when we do come home there is no memories of what actually happened. Looking down at my Rolex, Rylee said to not call her parents but I am going to ring Harvey, might as well tell them so they can come to LA. Placing the phone on speaker while I made my way to the baby’ room, I totally forgot what Rylee told me to get now. I think she said get diapers, that is one of the things. I guess I can choose what my son wears for the first time now, picking the note up that was on top of a box. She didn’t tell me ChildsPlay clothing sent this, the phone call went straight to voicemail so I will leave them one “hey Harvey it’s me Chris, they are inducing Rylee tomorrow so they baby should be here sooner than we thought. Call me when you can” disconnecting the call, let me pick some clothes and the baby car seat so I can get out of here.

I don’t think Rylee will be impressed, I bought so many outfits for no reason because I couldn’t decide at all. Let me now drop Royalty off with her bag of things, there is nobody else I could trust with Royalty. I can’t say my sister because she won’t be able to keep my mom away from her so I can only trust Mijo. This girl is so knocked out asleep, she ain’t once woke up, grabbing the bag from the floor of the car and closing the door. Making my up Mijo’ drive “you lucky I don’t sleep at night, I heard you pull up” Mijo said “I appreciate you so much, thank you for looking after her for me. I had nobody else to turn too” imagine if I didn’t Mijo “anything for you bro, is he here or not though” stepping into the home “nah, he’s not. He’s early anyway, decided to you know, break the waters while I was away” Mijo snorted laughing behind me “break the waters, just put her on the couch. I will put her into the bed” that saves me a trip, placing the bag on the ground.

Mijo keeps laughing at me “I was wondering who was here” Mijo’ baby mother came down “yeah, it’s just me. He keeps laughing at me” Mijo hit my arm “is the baby here yet?” she asked, shaking my head “not yet, they are inducing her tomorrow so I needed someone to take care of Roro for me” Mijo placed his hand on my shoulder “he’s got it all to come, the screaming and crying. I know Rylee done told me she ain’t want a baby so she about to wild out” I am not about to laugh at that just because it’s the truth “she peed in my car, not any old car but my Bentley” I spat “it’s not pee you ass, please don’t tell me you told her that?” she said to me, I shrugged smiling “oh don’t, if you want to live then don’t. Just be supportive Chris and good luck, I can’t wait to see him” I need all the luck in the world because they ain’t lying, Rylee is about to beat my ass “you not speaking to Joyce at all?” Mijo asked, shaking my head “she disrespected my wife and me, I can’t forgive that Mijo. This is on her” I shrugged “I saw her, she misses you and wanted me to tell you how much she loves you and you will always be her baby” shaking my head, she can leave me alone with that.

Sat in the car in the car park, my manager be trying to come at me sideways just because I left the shit early, this has really pissed me off. I am about to air this shit out, I don’t care. Tapping on Instagram, and tapping the camera. Pressing record “I left Drai’s, I apologise to Drai’s but I am not apologising for shit to do with my manager, nigga you come at me sideways for what? My wife is going through labour and you think I am going to stay there? Don’t be threatening me in text because I got you nigga, I will come for you. My family come first, fuck the money. And Drai’s I am sorry” pressing stop in annoyance, I am so angry. Talking about money come first and shit. Putting a caption on the video ‘On Another note, I can’t wait to see my son!!!’ pressing send.

Walking the lobby “look at you with all the baby things, you all ready and shit” smiling at Joe “thank you for waiting behind, did she wake up or ask anything?” Joe shook his head “nothing at all, she must be tired” she needs the rest “alright, cool. You can go home now, I will text when he is here. Y’all can rest up” placing the car seat down and bag “you sure?” getting my hand out, Joe dapped me and then gave me a hug “you better let me know Chris, you better look after Rylee” pushing Joe away smiling “you know I got her, I may be stupid at times but I love annoying her but I got my baby and I will let you know” I don’t think I will sleep tonight, I feel so excited “my mom said to Mijo that she misses me and shit, that is a lie” it’s annoyed me that she is even talking about me “this is not about your mom Chris, this is about Rylee. This is a big deal that is going to happen, the baby is early so she needs you to be hundred percent there ok?” nodding my head “you got this” he is right, I got to be one hundred percent on Rylee.

I know it’s late but it’s whatever, I want to speak to my dad. I know he will pick up, when I was up to no good I would call my dad at stupid times “son” my dad picked up “dad, the baby finna come early. They inducing Rylee, I been saying this word like I know what it means. But he is coming” I am so excited “aww really? But isn’t it early? Is everything ok, I am so happy but is she ok?” my dad asked “uh yeah, well the baby is ok. Her waters broke early, but I think everything is ok, he is here early” everyone keep on saying this, the doctor said he is ok “ok son, it’s a big thing having a baby early. Just be there for Rylee ok? Don’t be annoying her either, bring the next brown into the world. I want to know my grandson is ok, call me. I will gather my things and make my way to LA ok?” even my dad is going to be here, I can’t wait.

“Christopher” feeling the blanket being pulled “Chris, wake up” touching the side of my face groaning out “baby” Rylee said, opening my eyes “you look way too comfortable without me in the bed” I smiled at her “look at that smile, wake up. I miss you” Rylee sat down on the edge of the bed “I miss you in the bed Rylee, I miss the odd kicking from you. How are you feeling?” Rylee touched my cheek “I’m ok, I feel better. I had a nice sleep, he didn’t kick me as he does” I am glad she had a good sleep “when I came back, you were hugging the blanket so close to you. You missed me didn’t you?” Rylee nodded her head “I saw the things you bought, you did well but why so many outfits?” I knew she would question that, I chuckled “I was spoilt for choice, I just can’t wait to meet him. I don’t know, people are telling me to be concerned, is everything ok though?” maybe I should do more research “I am ok Chris, the baby is early but everything should be fine. No need to worry” turning onto my back “what if something goes wrong, I saw it. I love Peanut but I would want you more than him” Rylee smiled at me “stop it, you’re thinking too much now. If that ever happened then I would expect you to look after our baby, things can happen but I am not in that predicament. I didn’t carry this baby just to let it die” furrowing my eyebrows “so you would give your life to him?” I would not let that happen “giving birth is scary Chris, anything can happen joking aside. I am scared but it’s fine, stop thinking that please” I can’t help it now, people getting me worried.

Fixing my top “morning Rylee” hearing the doctor say, I should have left Rylee in the hospital because that was at least a woman doctor “how are we feeling today?” let me get in the room and support my wife, opening the door “Christopher” the doctor shook my hand “doc” smiling at him “I guess the baby wants out already, we got all the information from the hospital. I can see the baby doesn’t want to start coming out yet but the waters have broke, now we have no choice. We will look to induce you in three hours, how are you feeling?” he asked Rylee “I am ok, he is giving me less problems now the waters have broken. Moving less but that worries me, is he ok?” I wish I could feel what she felt, it’s awkward not knowing “from the tests he is perfectly fine, he probably feels nervous like you. Coming to the world, we will give you a drug which will mimic labour and signals your uterus to start the process, it is like tricking it to start. For now we will be concentrating on his breathing when he is born, we will need to make sure he is ok on that end. I believe it should be straight forward, being induced the pain will come quick but of course you will have gas and air, epidural if you want that?” looking at Rylee “I want anything that stops me feeling so much pain” Rylee looks so sad now, she really didn’t want to be pregnant.

Rylee wants to go for a walk, it’s random but I don’t mind it “I don’t look terrible, do I?” she is wearing my hoodie “you look beautiful without makeup and you know that, you have looked beautiful throughout this pregnancy. Why you think I was still getting hard for you” Rylee rolled her eyes “don’t remind me, still don’t forgive you for my bag” she wrapped her arm around my arm “neither will I for my seat, shall we go now?” looking down at her “be quiet, it’s not pee asshole and yes let’s go for a walk” opening the door “am I doing ok? I want to support you but I feel useless” I really do “you’re doing just fine, don’t worry about it. I don’t want you to be thinking anything bad ok? Don’t let people make you think otherwise Chris, you won’t lose me or the baby. I guess it is just sinking in for you now, it’s going to be a little crazy so I just wanted to walk with you before that happens” Rylee placed her head on my shoulder, I pray it goes well.

[orindasfinest]

TDFL PR W#1

Welcome to the first installment of the TouchDongers Foobaw Lig Power Rankings  yadda yadda this doesn’t really require any introduction – reading this is kind of like waking up in a virtual gulag in a Black Mirror episode. You can feign ignorance all you want, but you know deep down why you’re here, Mohamed Jetta.

I’m hosting this on tumblr because it’s barely more public than a google doc thanks to the porn ban that whisked away all my piss bookmarks just as I was starting to make real inroads on a new fetish. Thanks for nothing you Puritan technocrats. If the pageviews from this post give you 35 more cents in your next worthless sale I demand compensation in the form of 45 second clips of coeds soaking granite countertops.

Pay your league dues so I can indulge my second favorite fluffing pastime of mailing people ostentatious shit they don’t need. I’m accepting submissions for the name of the championship trophy. Current front-runner is The Shiny Hiney so you might want to get on that (and I’m not talking about scaling Griffin’s stark-white cracked mountainside prone to avalanches and civilian suffocation)

WITH PLENTY OF FAFFING ABOUT

10. Leaguema Balls (Dirty Mike)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 73 | PA: 167.7

Playing Next: Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Living with the knowledge that he gave himself forehead welts

The only man in double digits for team score created a gulf between himself and the rest of the field almost as big as the space between his eyeballs. I’m not saying Mike’s squad is already done for, but on the heels of many players demanding trades from Miami after their week one demolition, Travis Kelce called his agent and said he wouldn’t do another mind-numbingly stupid McDonald’s commercial until he was cut loose to go play for another Dongers contender. Not only was this performance abysmal, but I can’t even label it an outlier because Devonta Freeman is now hurt and his 3 other major skill players are from the NFC North where points are harder to find than Josh Gordon’s 2 week AA chip.

9. Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 120.9 | PA: 151.6

Playing Next: I just fukcing did this one

Questionable Decision of the Week: the Mets

Writing a summary of Derv’s fantasy prospects feels a lot like breaking the news to a wounded soldier that he’s had to have his dick amputated. Sure, you’re not technically dead, but what is there to live for? Derv has two good quarterbacks in a league where you can only start one, which marks the first and last time she’ll have two men vying for one of her slots. Zeke ended his holdout just in time to put up 12 points a game because Jerruh will be GOT DAMNED if he pays anyone an obscene amount of money and then has them succeed. Her best wide receiver made softcore porn with Pete Carroll. I’d rather read The Sun Also Rises again than keep looking at this roster to make any more jokes.

8. James White is Right (Tori)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 131.2 | PA: 173.4

Playing Next: The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Thinking that being introverted is a substitute for a personality

Tori ran into a Clemson-scented buzzsaw this week and was really not at fault for the enormity of her loss, which is more than I can say about the fact that 85% of her Sundays vanish into her duvet cover because she got alcohol poisioning after gagging down 3 jello shots and looking at her bottle of listerine before she got into bed. That considered, though, she’s going to need Austin Ekeler to keep putting up 40-point games like he’s not a body double from ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ AND she’ll need Matt Ryan to learn what side of a football holds the white thingies for her to get any kind of consistent production going forward. Much like she would say about Sacramento being a gangrenous taint, “I just don’t see it.”

7. Sean’s Hard Mangos (sean)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 130.7 | PA: 136.2

Playing Next: Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Paying more than the cost of a Notre Dame education for a military-grade laser-guided beard trimmer

Sean dropped his game versus Griffin in the closest fight since the donnybrook between his ex-girlfriend and sanity. A couple breaks here and there and he might have come away with a W. Unfortunately, Tyreek Hill will be out for an indefinite period of time after finding out that it’s hard to box with people who aren’t 5 years old and Evan Engram is going to put up 28 points again as soon as Father Jenkins decides it’s high time to adhere to his vow of poverty. His third-leading scorer this week was his kicker. Last time everyone discovered so obviously that something fishy was afoot Sean needed his location tracked to a downtrodden dormitory fuck-barn.

6. Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 151.6 | PA: 120.9

Playing Next: Reading comprehension

Questionable Decision of the Week: $45 says he’s still doing Fontaine to all of his roommates and they’re plotting in equal measures to cut him out of the will and to put a steak knife in his femoral artery

Big boy trade man saw his wheeling and dealing pay off, running contrary to his favorite Silver-and-Black organization, and to the time he swapped his dignity for his desktop toaster oven. Drew Brees stepped up, and not just on the baby footstool he uses to properly gaze into the bathroom mirror to examine his face birthmark that looks like Spaghetti-O cum. Julio and JuJu took the field, which is worth 15 points apiece in standard ESPN scoring. Outside of that, though, we have another aberrant kicker performance, this one from Harrison “Anal” Butker, and Josh Jacobs putting up 25 against a Broncos defense more porous than an Aidan snap group selfie. Expect a greater fall from grace than that of the Robert Pattinson Porsche launching itself from the car WTC.

5. Cartoon Colt Copulation (Gabe)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 127.1 | PA: 145.3

Playing Next: The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Drafting from Hawaii during my last day on that particular vacation because I value disposable carnal pleasures more than lasting memories with my aging and loving parents

This ranking is like the number of inches I used to tell Tinder hookers after snapping them at 2AM: obviously inflated because I think I’m in control. A charitable read tells you that all of my risky/reachy picks paid off in spades and that I was one Desean Jackson start from starting the season off strong. A realistic assessment brings you back to the reality of the fact that depending on Desean Jackson for a victory is a lot like expecting me to bring you to orgasm. I’m just going to drop out before anyone crosses the line. Can’t wait to be 0-6 by the time AJ Green and Golden Tate come back, leaving me in a scramble for respectability that nobody respects, much like how I acquired my college degree.

4. Poo Poo Point Diarrheas (Griff)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 136.2 | PA: 130.7

Playing Next: TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lauren)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Being really fucking amped about his band despite ostensibly not being under the influence of cocaine

Griffin’s starting lineup is the quintessential example of boom or bust, which is odd, because I thought the quintessential example of boom or bust was his nightly decision between offing himself and masturbating. Every single one of his starting skill players suits up for the Panthers, the Chargers, or the Rams. That diversity is so poor that it makes Mendoza look like the fucking United Nations. I’d tell you to branch out, Griff, but your bench is thinner than you if you were half your size and if half your size wasn’t also still fat. Will Lutz, your kicker, almost tripled the score of your quarterback. As the signal-caller in question is none other than Cameron Newton, I imagine that we won’t be hearing from Tori for a while, as her resultant pussy surge at a black man’s failure sent all of her electronics into traction.

3. TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lolo)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 173.4 | PA: 131.2

Playing Next: What cruel twist of fate caused me to do the rankings like this

Questionable Decision of the Week: Letting me find out you actually own a Deshaun Watson jersey as if I didn’t already have enough roasting ammunition

Wowie! High score! Hope you’re hard at work roasting up some tasty crow for me to eat after my little draft-day Clemson jab because A) You cook so infrequently you thought a “burner” was one of the twitter accounts you use to solicit Hunter Renfrow dick pics and B) this is the last week you even sniff this stratosphere of point-getting. It is not often I flex my fantasy football “expertise” because clearly I don’t know shit about fuck but anyone who’s played this sick game of roulette for more than one season has learned the unalienable truth that you CANNOT TRUST SAMMY WATKINS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Holy god that 46.8-spot is a bigger mirage than someone looking at your hair under favorable light and thinking it has volume. Sammy will get run over by a stock car, Deshaun will have his spleen removed in week 6 when Laremy Tunsil turns his back on a bootleg to get fitted for a new nicotine gas mask, and your chances of success will disappear faster than your willingness to take on any more of my emotional baggage once I let you in the cargo hold. Much like our relationship, enjoy it while it lasts.

2. The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 145.3 | PA: 127.1

Playing Next: James White is Right (Tori)

Questionable Decision of the Week: We won’t find out till next week, when she gets in contact again and sends 14 messages, 13 of which relate to topics nobody remembers and 1 of which is feloniously horny

It is cruel fucking fate that the Eagles stans would fly to the top of the power rankings from the word go. I know I attract toxic elements to my life, but being friends with multiple people from Philadelphia is like trying to run a fever to get out of going to school and instead having both your arms fed into an original Eli Whitney cotton gin. Liv didn’t even draft her squad, which probably explains why both Dak and Amari are both properly valued and are on this roster, ready to put up a combined 245 points a game because NFC East teams treat defense like Louis CK does consent. They don’t really think about it much. Hey Liv, hope that reflective road vest is enough to save you when Griffin trips coming out of a show and rolls downhill for 5 miles. It’s a good thing you have OBJ because you both look like closeted lesbians trying to stand out in Catholic school.

1. The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 167.7 | PA: 73

Playing Next: Cartoon Colt Copulation (idk some guy, poor bastard)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Getting piss on the floor of his bathroom, totally missing my mouth

This is a truly upsetting squad about which to write a recap. John’s team put up the second-most points with consistent performances across the board despite having AB and Melvin Gordon on the shelf. I haven’t been this worried about two people returning since John’s parents told him they were just going down to the store for a pack of cigarettes. It’s tough to not look at this lineup and be intimidated, so now we all know how John’s organs feel when they receive the message from his tastebuds that there’s a combination of peanut butter, salsa, Drano, and barbeque sauce slathered on a cheesesteak coming down the hatch. At least that sub is still more palatable than his dating life. John wanted me to hear two words: Antonio Brown. I got 2(1) words for ya, John: You’re the Anthony Fantano of book reviews if Fantano looked like Steve Brule and had the follower base of the Shakers.

See ya next week!

-Commish