#i guess it was always fun i just literally never do it... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

noxxuniverse · 1 day ago

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-🐭anon here !!!

Manifested a few things recently..

- my hair growing super long, everyone literally noticed it.. like obviously they did, it's so long now and simply cannot go unnoticed! I got so many compliments as well

- I revised my past poor grades, despite this having been my worst fear so far.. because I was really scared of failing school this year and not having enough time to revise them, but I did! I had a lot of bad grades before, today my teacher came to me and told me that she needed more grades from me, because she apparently only had one... and that was an A. (Before, I had like 3 F's in her class)

So she gave me some assignment, that I should hand in after, so I really turned my brain on, affirmed that this was easy and I understood it all, so I manifested that instantly too!! And I'm pretty sure I got a good grade now, because I was the first to finish and I had 30 minutes left to do whatever I wanted until class ended<3 (I usually like to work slow, but I guess I changed my assumption about that too.)

- I manifested always getting everything done on time, whenever I wake up for school, it's hard for me to get my hair done, eat breakfast etc.. while still having enough time to leave the house on time.

I changed that since a few days, I woke up 40 minutes later than usual, I still got everything done on time and it was great! I'm never late!!

Currently I'm manifesting that guy that I like, to like me back (he already does, but there has been some conflict) and I'm manifesting his age gap, his friendgroup to be.. less toxic, and much more

And I know that it'll be easy as always, because it's just easy like that😭😭?? And currently I enjoy doing long hours of saturating my mind, it helps so much and it's pretty fun to me, I also use a counter app, to count my affs and I do the 10k affs challenge daily

I'll just write a list of everything and keep repeating that I have everything off that list♡

HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, HAPPY MANIFESTING YALL, ITS EASY<3333

WOO!! LETS GO!!

I'm actually so proud fr, one of my favourite anon deadass lmaoaoao

KEEP THE SUCCESS STORIES COMINGG!!

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chikaoofka · 9 months ago

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every so often i think about Schoolin' by Everything Everything, and I become so irreparably ill and then make some really cool art about it or something. and then forget about it for a month. kinda crazy. anyway this is lyric art andddd the lyrics are from Schoolin'....astonishing i know

#I could probably talk about the relation btwn schoolin' and lucien + sterling . i effectively made 2 characters out of that 1 song #anyway... back in my 1 layer era #it's really fun to do art this way actually. shading is like kinda fun again for real #i guess it was always fun i just literally never do it...#ocs #lucien mode #sterling mode #he gets to come along by virtue offff being a silhouette #lol!

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brofightiscancelled · 1 month ago

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okay ill bite why do u hate kaoru sakuraba sidem aside from the fact that they went from hokuto as a main blue to downgrade to kaoru. to make it less awkward that I’m asking abt sidem on ur osomatsu side blog, what sidem idols would u assign to each matsu ?

i think sideM should collab w osomatsu-san and put them all in Beit so they can all get JOBS!!!!!!

anyways i hate kaoru from idolmaster sideM. i need all my osomatsu-san side blog followers to know that i hate this man. "i need a lot of money fast to pursue an extremely niche medical research track, which is why i quit my stable and high paying job as a surgeon to become an idol while having no soft skills, physical strength or stamina, or interest in getting along with people" are you Stupid??

he's not even using his idol clout to spread awareness of the rare disease he's trying to cure (like SEM does) so it can secure funding, he sees it 100% as a job and refuses to have fun, he is actively unpleasant and uncooperative in every interaction with his coworkers because he's trying to "rise to the top". it seems like the only thing he has going for him are his looks and that he kind of liked to sing when he was a kid. why not become a model at that point when you have the personality of a wet tree trunk. or better yet why not STAY A FUCKING DOCTOR!!!!!

also, i don't like meganes, so write that down.

#context for oomfiematsus: idolmaster sideM's gimmick is that all the idols were other things before becoming idols #Beit is the unit whose gimmick is that all their members have part time jobs (baito)#others are like. lawyer -> idol; pilot -> idol; pianist -> idol; rakugoka -> idol; etc #finding out the backstories/previous lives of these idols is like the main appeal of this branch #a lot of times it's like trauma and stuff that causes them to switch careers. like there's a pair of twins who were former soccer pros #but one suffers a career-ending injury and it's sad. and theyre like well we were pretty good at PR and stuff though so let's be idols #(the other twin follows him because yknow twinsies <3 cant be apart)#and this guy is in the main unit so you meet him and he's just a fucking dick the whole time and he just seems to fucking hate being an ido #so the whole time youre like what's this guy's deal #(note i experienced this through the anime cuz all the games are EOS lol)#and then like 3/4ths into the anime in you finally get his backstory #and it's that his sister died of a very rare disease so he needs money to fund research to find the cure but no one will fund it #but instead of staying a doctor he decides the best way to do this is to BECOME AN IDOL?!!!?!?#like sure i bet the top idols do make more than an average surgeon? but it's like do you want a .01% chance to make a $2 million salary #or an 100% chance to make a $300k salary BECAUSE YOURE ALREADY A SURGEON!!!!#and it'd be another thing if he was like. kinda having fun with it. kinda being jovial #like there's literally another guy in the teacher unit who became an idol for the exact same reason (heard it was lucrative)#but then after he finds out being an idol actually isnt all that much cash #so he just decides to have fun being an idol instead!!!!#this guy NEVER GETS THERE. he's always a SERIOUS RUDE STICK IN THE MUD who is NEVER FUN TO BE AROUND BECAUSE HE'S LIKE #I'm Here For Work. I'm Here To Be The Best Idol. I Don't Want To Make Friends #LIKE GET REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL DUDE YOUR COWORKERS ARE 10 YEAR OLDS IN ANIMAL COSTUMES AND 30 YEAR OLD MEN IN PINK TIGHTS.#anyways everyone likes him i guess he's supposed to be the “cold guy eventually opens his heart” kind of guy but he has always just come of #as very annoying to me. and also DUMB AS FUCK i cannot stress enough how STUPID OF A CAREER CHOICE THIS WAS #so i cant take him seriously when they try to play him up as this cool all-knowing guy when he's the STUPIDEST PERSON AT THIS COMPANY #INCLUDING THE 9 YEAR OLDS

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howtodisappearcompletelyand · 3 months ago

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20/10 stars little guy

#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic #also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey #2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders #anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop #but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes #the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e #(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm #sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol #made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details #then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao #also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent #got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night #encanto 2021 #bruno madrigal #also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience #also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags #fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight

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moe-broey · 23 days ago

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Had a lot of easy and okay convos w my mom today (things did go well 👍) and one of them was passing by MECA (Maine College of Art) and her going "I always thought you'd end up going there" and like. A bit of lmfaoing at the idea I mean I barely managed to graduate highschool. Also that shit is expensiiiiiiive. A brief discussion about scholarships occurs but again I did not perform even decently academically. I barely could show up at all and when I did I was fighting for my fucking life. Nevertheless. I told her "Eh I make a lot of art on my own time, anyway!" and she goes "I'm sure you do" in sort of a wistful thoughtful tone and I tell her "I've kinda gotten more serious about comics lately" and she got nostalgic and enthusiastic like "I thought you'd end up doing that! You've always been doing that, since you were little" and it's a really really beautiful moment maybe but in the back of my mind I can't help but think. I'm just really autistic and weird about Alfonse Fire Emblem. And Sharena my friend Sharena. And I guess I have a lot of stories to tell about Moe and Mani and that IS something I'm extremely passionate about, but both are like inseparable like intrinsically intertwined by the fact that I'm just insane about the Askr siblings from hit mobile game Fire Emblem: Heroes.

#this isn't me talking down about it but like. well.#i. actually don't know what i'm trying to say. esp bc i wouldn't have moe and mani any other way #literally and also in my heart.#maybe it's just a weird mixture of going to the museum and like. like that convo happened on the way home #and the way i'm just constantly extremely passionate about any and all the art i make.#like. i have a lot to say. it's very important to me. but it's also important to me that like.#i don't know. i'm just having fun. i'm doing things shoddy at times. i'm fucking around and finding out.#idk age old 'if only you applied even a quarter of this level of interest at xyz' nagging at me. and i get it. i get it.#but at the same time. my art isn't meant to go in a museum or be evaluated by a professor #my art is meant for me first and foremost and secondly it's for like minded strange individuals on tumblr dot com.#only saying strange bc it's. kind of a prerequisite. to enjoy my work. i think. you have to be kinda odd. guessing. maybe.#or at very least okay with me being odd.#idk i've just always been chronically doing my own thing. to my own detriment. but i literally cannot be any other way.#i really have no idea what i'm trying to say i don't wanna seem like i'm talking down artists who manage to do All That either #like. obviously. it's an impressive feat. evocative. ect. really really cool.#but man. i also just have never lasted more than three weeks in any art class. i have ALWAYS immediately #dropped any and ALL art classes i've been in.#i have hostile stubborn asshole autism. i fucking guess. i have to do it my way or else autism. evil autism.#i really really don't have a point here. don't expect anything from me. ever.

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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago

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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.

Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.

#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that #here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking #that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like #have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production #on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still #get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues #as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing #days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials #and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic #and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that #done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated #on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big #Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually #hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary #everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I #enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all #lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like #I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the #architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of #city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public #transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those #spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still #definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter #ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise #condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh

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sysig · 4 months ago

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Some scribbles :) (Patreon)

#Doodles #Original #Texture work is original sure lol #Went in hard on one of those Drawing Advice posts about ''Hey - literally just put pencil to paper and go no worries''#It was fun :D I Do still want to just doodle freely sometimes!#I still enjoy some structure to it so I ended making a grid of various like map-style textures to tell different biomes apart lol #But just general funsies scribbles were pretty good! I enjoyed the lot :)#S'good to just Make with abandon sometimes haha #I really like the hatching effect generally and it's something I want to improve at/implement more so the practice was nice there :)#Layering on paper/with only the one digital layer is always an interesting exercise in negative space and keeping things readable #I like drawing clouds with notably flat bottoms haha I think it's funny that they just sit there #I guess I'm used to cirrus clouds a lot so seeing cumulus big puffies with a clear delineation between bottom and the rest is just fun to me #They look like toys! Designed to sit! But they're just up there! How fun!#Squiggly branches/veins was something I did a tooon as a kid before I got into Drawing On Purpose y'know #Just pages and pages of branches on branches #And curls that curled away from each other - did a little bit of that with the circles and lines but not that much haha #I dunno if I still have any but it's interesting how that dwindled down to basically never over time #I definitely know what I prefer to draw these days but hmm still wonder a bit!#And loop-di-loops haha I was thinking of Erase quite a lot for that one honestly #And the way some Disney Princesses give autographs which one is it-#Belle! I remember when I got her autograph years ago and was really enamoured with the flourish :D #Grace and elegance in shape! Ah! So cool #That and RGB from TPoH haha - all these swoopies! I like them very much :)

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vamptastic · 7 months ago

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yk i genuinely don't think ive ever been able to actually express my gender dysphoria out loud to another person cos with my family they'll get uncomfortable or think im somehow bragging bc i have the misfortune of a hyperfeminine body, with therapists im always trying not to say smth that makes me sound too self hating to get letters written, and with other trans people i don't want to upset them. idk writing it down just feels like im cataloguing everything that's wrong with me but I don't think ill ever have anyone i can talk to about it either

#i guess i got lucky in some ways with PCOS and my face is androgynous #but just even besides my weight my body type itself is just. not doing me any favors when it comes to passing #maybe if i was skinny i could deal with it or fat with an otherwise masculine body but both just feels very insurmountable #like ive just never seen a cis man that looks anything like me even guys that r the same weight #hell even trans men never look like me #idk maybe t will help with it longterm and at the end of the day it is what it is. like i don't have to like my body to be kind to myself #been considering lipo with top surgery too bc i just #i don't even have the typical pcos body type that is a little more masculine #like ugh. realistically ik i always cover myself head to toe anyways and that nobody is rlly looking that hard #in most photos if im dressed well i just look like a guy with wide hips. most strangers who've seen photos of me #assumed i was cis esp with clothes that diminish the hips #but i wish i could look at myself naked and not be utterly disgusted and alienated at almost all my features is all #ik itll get better with top surgery and i do have things i like like my shoulders and calves #but man just. i know i am not the first to express this but being a 5'3 fat man with an hourglass figure is not fun!#they literally do not make mens pants in my size 😭 at least not ones i can go try on in a store #i would just really like to kill the transphobe in my head mostly. or at least show his ugly ass to somebody else.

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ragnars-tooth · 2 months ago

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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)

Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go

This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.

#rangnar rambles #i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later #and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts #i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me #'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything #even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across #like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere #and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go #i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical #ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting #its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays #thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd #its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again #but eh soo la voo we ball #HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard #5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is #this is why youll never catch me running a queue #this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in #ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now #if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened

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silverselfshippingchaos · 2 months ago

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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..

#ash rambles 💚#negative #part of it is definitely the weather #it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed #but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today #im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up #and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see #me as more than a friend and other stuff like that #i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and #i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that #if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore #what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked #to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s #just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me #being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO #I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot #and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as #though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and #i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA #holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always #bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles #(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if #I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later #i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..

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inkats · 4 months ago

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is it autism or is it a symptom of previous longterm social isolation and lack of agency ?

#i think. im not good at being a person.#ive finally gotten some alone time and i am reflecting. and well.#i dont think you can make me socially aware ^-^ i dont think i'll ever get good at it.#i donknow why ^-^👍 and i dont think it matters 👍#i think hes getting tired of me alreadyyyy......#and i think. lots of other ppl . dont see me wout him already also.#ive managed this already... impressive ^-^#but the japanese international girls like me so !!! it doesnt matter !!! i have. two nice friends. and 1 intimidating friend.#i will not get bullied or made fun of or be in ungetoutable bad situations bc of. mafia friend.#and then i will recharge and be silly around. nice friends.#i think the fact that im actively thinking about this. doesnt do anything for my case.#i think. im getting masking lessons. when i hang out w him. if it really is the autism. and im failing a little bit.#he thinks ive got anxiety. 💭💭 psych major ass. sorry. my roommates also psych major. why are they. talkers.#theyre scawy.#they both got adhd too. whats with that #anyway.#i want to get a haircut.#and hes like. well. hes literally 4 real a model. and his mom was a model. and all his friends were. guess what. models.#so. scary. so i will go to a shitty salon w a nice normal level of social skill friend and then not say anything i think.#i love yapping on here this is awesome. i can just say anytging.#non u know me in real life #how did i end up making friends w the most 'popular guy' guy in the world this is so stressful.#everyone likes him. there are ppl who only talk to me to get an idea of where he might be at. what happened.#howd i go from friendless loser to. loser but in a completely different friend environment. friends w guy who is too good at making friends #but chooses to hang out w me ? does he choose to do that. is it all coincidence?#how did i get here. it really doesnt feel real #i want. to . explode.#yknow i never even really talked to boys before this also. wtf. wtf..#i have only been saying nice things so far i think but i think its important to know that he. scares me. hes so from bc.#i have always been scared of island ppl theyre. all so mad always. and guess what he is too. and yet here i am.

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apocalypticdemon · 6 months ago

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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while

#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress #and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that #but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min #and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble #sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day #and will be having them every day until at least august!

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qsmprambling · 8 months ago

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I am only seeing it in clips, but the trip to old spawn is just reaffirming my feeling that the cost of moving to the new spawn far outweighs the benefit...

#there was just so much lost #and very little gained comparatively #the new spawn building is cool but that could have literally just been built at the old spawn #like i get the point of trying to keep everyone on a similar level but it just doesn't work #there will always be players like bad and aypierre and tubbo who will bcome the richest and strongest in record time #resets only slow them slightly in that sense #so if youre not on every day youll never catch up #but you know what doesnt require constant daily log ins?#roleplay #lore #obviously you can fall behind but you can still be involved #quackity and roier and missa and jaiden and max and many others could disappear for weeks and then show up and do fun lore and it was great #bagi arrived alone and carved out such a huge place for herself in the lore #but the resets and events and changes just killed the story and momentum #the months of work building the qsmp world that everyone fell in love with was just abandoned #and though the playera made cool stuff at the new spawn there was always just this huge sense of loss #it hit me especially hard early on when seeing Cellbit at the new spawn #as a ghostie i was so hyper aware of everything lost to bad #but it hit really hard seeing Cellbit hanging out in spawn because all previous character stuff was just #gone #no order #no castle #no ordem rooms #no Cell arch conclusion #it just highlighted even more that all that story #all that hard work he had done for months and months and months #it was just abandoned #aaaaack #/neg #i guess sorry :'D

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itspileofgoodthings · 2 years ago

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My mom to me this week: Maria you’re very pretty, a fact you have always had trouble believing

#look I’m back on my bullshit of talking about my looks again even though I know it doesn’t matter/I have largely moved on from struggling #over it #But sometimes I still DO and I also still like to talk about it #And yeah. Man. I’ve always had such a fraught relationship with my face #this is some Anne of green gables shenanigans but some part of me is like ‘this is not dignified or romantic enough’#like it’s so shepherdess/baker of me #Also a part of me has gotten over that of course #A bigger part of me knows it doesn’t matter and also has let it go #And a part of me has fully accepted that I’m pretty #But really I guess I want to talk about it (to myself I mean) because it just was such a concern of mine for so long #Caused me such angst!!!!!!#Also I don’t think it helped that I got a) no male validating b) a lot of female validation #My high school classmates VERY quick to tell me I was pretty #Me knowing enough to know that it must be a very non-threatening prettiness if they could say it so fast #Also of course packaged in the high school girl snide/silliness of ‘let me do your makeup’ which I never did lol #I did let one girl straighten my hair though which was a fun experiment #I still occasionally LOVE having straight hair #it’s just literally such a new self for me #And it’s funnnnnnn #Anyway the tall blonde at my sister’s wedding who walked across the room to ask me to dance healed a lot more hurt inside me #than he had any idea of #(No he wasn’t the love of my life) (the moment was ROMANCE though)#anyway like. Again. Mostly there is no point to me chattering on about this and I don’t want to gain anything by it #Because I know all the things I need to #It just really is—the way I experience life is still very much being content with my appearance #And then having these FLASHES of either total ego or complete cringe #And both are very intense! I know I know the human condition. The feminine condition! Lol #Okay I’m done. Thanks for listening

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mako-island-moon-pool · 10 months ago

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I really do deserve a fucking apology for all the times my friends and family valued strangers on the internet and their opinions more than me

How am I supposed to be just fine with being ignored for years and years or bullied for openly liking what I like, only for those same fucking people to then turn around YEARS LATER, AFTER THE DAMAGE WAS ALREADY DONE, and be like "actually this is cool, so glad I found it" while still ignoring me. Why am I not allowed to be fucking pissed about it? Why is it considered ""gatekeepy"" when I get upset someone who deliberately ignored me for years and insulted the shit I enjoy when I asked them to get into it cuz I thought they'd like it suddenly finds interest in it because it got popular online, not because I'd been begging them to give it a chance and to listen to me for years???? Why is that not allowed????? THAT'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE, WHY IS IT 'NOT OKAY' TO BE MAD? WHY DON'T THEY GROW A SPINE AND APOLOGIZE FOR DISMISSING ME FIRST? HOW ABOUT THAT?????

#I fucking hate this it keeps fucking happening #I have a fucking LIST of all the times it's happened this is not a one time thing it's fucking reoccurring #Nothing I say will ever fucking matter to anyone not even the people who are 'supposed' to care about me #Grumble grumble #Literally showed my dad a song and he was like 'well I preferred the one that came on autoplay after'#And I was like 'oh that song? Oh you mean THAT song? OH YOU MEAN THE SONG I SHOWED YOU MONTHS AGO THAT YOU DISMISSED AND CRITICIZED?'#THAT ONE? YEAH? YEAH???#Gee I wonder why you like it NOW and not when *I* showed it to you!#UGHHHHH #Begged my friend to get into OP and he would go 'no it's too long and the art style is kinda ugly'#GUESS WHO'S NOW ASKING ME TO GUIDE HIM THRU THE ANIME CUZ OP WAS TRENDING ON TWITTER OVER THE SUMMER #UGHHHHHHHHH #Begged friends to watch Trig/un for years it was always the first anime I'd recommend anyone when they asked and was always ignored #Guess what everyone did once stampede started *trending on Tumblr*?#They certainly didn't care when I asked or when I was hyping up the trailer for stampede or literally any point before then #Nobody would ever reply to me when I talked about it #But now that it's trending on Tumblr NOW they're interested. GJSGDHDJDJDK #Happened with Pe/rso/na and Ro/tm/nt too.#Begged my middle and high school friends to get into the per/sona series. Nooo never it's sooo lame #Get made fun of for being hyped for 5's release in Calc class #Man you'd never believe who I see on Twitter as the biggest fans nowadays!!#Same with ro/tm/nt begged my friends to watch it but was dismissed and the episode I showed them heavily criticized bc it wasn't 2012 #Then learn the same friend who criticized it so heavily bc he *hated it* WAS WATCHING VIDEO ESSAYS EXPLAINING WHY THE FINALE WAS SO GOOD #And there's NEVER any acknowledgement like 'hey sorry I made fun of/hated on this thing I see why you like it now'#Am I actually mental?! Would that not be the polite thing to do???#I would do that if a friend begged me to watch something and I openly dismissed them or criticized it as my reason why #And then later on I saw something online and was like 'actually...'#I would GO TO THAT FRIEND AND BE LIKE 'hey sorry I dismissed you earlier man I get why you like it now' AND THEN WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT #This isn't even about like distant acquaintences some of these people are my best friends and my roommates and my own fucking parents #People I talk to daily or near-daily. You're just not going to acknowledge what happened before??? Just expecting me to be fine with it????

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7-oh-ta1 · 11 months ago

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Been trying to working on my trust issues thru writing and here's the problem: I think everything I say makes sense how does everyone else not think this way

#lindsay speaks #// vent ish #like yk usually therapist say it's coming from an irrational fear but i don't feel like I'm being irrational i think I'm very logical #like i mentioned recently i don't believe in absolutes especially in relationships and the counselor I was talking to was baffled ghhghfh #''not even your family?'' girl especially??? what are we talking about #and then it was how do you know if you don't try / every person is different every relationship is and it's like yeah #but someone always leaves first there's no other end to this story yadayada so then it's it's normal for relationships to only last a seaso #like ok so you agree there are no absolutes and shes like wait no. ok so what gives. there's no such thing as unconditional love #there's always conditions. there's always exceptions. there's always an end. and the majority of the time it's a bloody one.#so really why treat anything seriously.... it will never last soooo... i give up #literally everytime i have said ''yk what... I'm going to trust them. if they say nothing's wrong then nothing's wrong. if I'm loving them #wrong they will let me know. if they hate me they will tell me. stop worrying stop worrying!!'' and then it's always [#[psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation] [psychological manipulation]#and I'm left feeling like what the fuck is reality what is going on and they're like ''yk you're just not fun anymore'' and throw me away #meanwhile I'm still laying there in the garbage bin confused as fuck !!!!!!!! what the hell !!!!!! I'm not fun anymore because I'm hurt??#and confused???#so no. absolutes do not exist. and people will leave you for reasons such as ''too emotional'' or ''no fun anymore''#and I've accepted that. i guess it's trying to unaccept it that i struggle with.#because logically. it just makes sense.#and it's ruining my life that i can't trust anyone #and I'm right about it.#and if it's not a universal truth then... it's just me. and I'm cursed #my b lemme stop being so not fun then.

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