#i fucking hate math im gonna kill myself

[loachbro]

came to me in a vision during math class yesterday

[widevibratobitch]

.

[ifyourereadingthisblinktwice]

vent

i always feel like im making the wrong decision. im too far in to back out now, but i feel like i dont have the capacity to succeed. like, my brain is so scattered all the time and i feel like im not smart enough to be able to actually get through college. my full associates didn’t transfer to the 4 year im going to and i might have to do extra courses. and like its not a big deal. but i feel like this is a sign that im doing something wrong, that i should’ve picked different. ive done two years already but if was at community college, so this is already going to be more difficult since its at a university. and i was commuting. i still was at home. i won’t be home, ill be somewhere new. and it doesn’t matter that much, but i don’t think ill be able to do it. i just don’t feel like im that smart, and this is a stem program. i just. not feeling great

[whyse7vn]

DOWN BAD -

[ ot7 x reader ]

JOON4PRESIDENT

8 participants - 8 online

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y/n: hi

tae: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

y/n: ?

tae: holy fuck ur so fucking funny😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭☠️😭

jimin: i BEG you let that man hit

at this point it’s embarrassing

tae: pls

jk: i think ur funny too

namjoon: shame is free

tae: idk what that’s supposed to mean

jk: it means shame is free i think

y/n: is that why you’ve been at my house for the last 2 weeks??

cuz you wanna hit??

yoongi: 2 weeks??

jin: down so fucking bad

jk: i thought tae was here cuz he missed us?

tae: I AM I SWAER

but if y/n let me hit in the time i was here i wouldn’t be mad

y/n: ur sick

hobi: why have you let tae stay in ur house for 2 weeks?

y/n: he FORCED his way in here

tae: not true jungkook willingly let me in

jin: jungkooks not even a real person so that doesn’t count

jk: i’m real

i think

jimin: i’m telling you he needed that 100k for rent

yoongi: taehyung homeless era

tae: I HAVE A HOME

y/n: ur not acting like it

tae: home is where the heart is

and my hearts with you bbg

y/n: leave

jk: am i real?

tae: are you a construction worker?

jk: no

tae: cuz ur a building

namjoon: what?

tae: 😉

@y/n

not you namjoon or jungkook

y/n: it’s hard

the life i live

hobi: hard like a criminal hard like the beat

tae: my rizz is out of this world it’s actually insane

jimin: do you know what rizz means?

bcs you can’t be fr

jk: isn’t rizz a type of cheese?

yoongi: this is my competition…

y/n: ur thinking of swiss cheese kook

jk: I AM

how did you know that??

y/n: can one of you guys come a get tae from us pls im begging you

jimin: i can’t read sorry

jin: i’m literally blind

hobi: 🫣

y/n: i fear his stupidness is rubbing off on jungkook

yoongi: i think he’s just naturally dumb as hell

jk: who

yoongi: see

y/n: plS my biggest fear in this life is waking up to furry jk

tae: ummm

that would have nothing to do with my influence

yoongi: call animal control maybe they’ll help you with tae?

tae: ??????

y/n: NAMJOON PLS UR MY ONLY HOPE PLS PLS PLS

namjoon: i’m not here

tae: CAN SOMONE DEFEND ME LIKE OMG???

jUNGKOOK TELL HER HER GREAT I AM

jk: he’s great

tae: UR NO HELP FUCK U

i’m gonna kill myself in front of you all in the most horrific way and change ur lives forever and NO amount of therapy will help you forget or move on

jk: ok i’m ready

tae: i’m leaving

y/n: god bless 🙏🏽

tae: ur obsessed with me get help

i hate you all

losers

gosh

fucking bitches the LOT of you

L

AWOOOOOOO

lone wolf era

jimin: what the fuck

namjoon: are you done?

tae: yeah :/

y/n: do you feel better now??

tae: as better as i can be in a situation like this :/

hobi: what situation?

tae: wdym?

jin: he has to be brain dead or something

tae: right hoseok stupid as hell

jk: i think jimin is talking about you bro

tae: jungkook ur young i wouldn’t expect you to understand

jk: ur right

y/n: they changed the korean age system isnt that crazy

jin: DON’T TALK ABOUT AGE

jimin: it’s a sensitive topic for him cuz he’s still old no matter what

namjoon: please

jk: i’m 25

jin: IDC SHUT UP

y/n: yikes

hobi: jungkook has been 25 for like 10 years

jk: that’s not true that makes no sense

hobi are you bad at maths?

hobi: don’t speak to me

tae: jimin you smell the best in the group

y/n: why are you smelling people?

hobi: furry

tae: after the loml ofc

jk: jennie?

tae: SHUT UP

jk: did you break up again???

tae: KICK HIM KICK HIMMM

jimin: what do i smell like?

tae: like vanilla i love it soOOOO much

it’s like a sweet vanilla but not so strong it overpowers ur senses it’s just right

i could eat you

jimin: i wish bitches i wanted said shit like this

but it’s just you

thx ig

tae: ???????

jin: that’s frfr creepy as hell tbh

why is he actually sniffing people is that not insane

jimin: don’t be mad you don’t smell like sweet vanilla

jin: i’m actually glad

look at what ur attracting

hobi: furries

jin: right

tae: 𝖘𝖍𝖚𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖚𝖈𝖐 𝖚𝖕

jk: WOAH

CALM DOWN TAE CALM DOWN TAE ITS OKAY ITS JUST US 😰😨😭

jimin: again what the actual fuck

tae: ur right i’m sorry i didn’t mean to get like that guys

jk: it’s okay

namjoon: they’re actually insane oh my god

y/n: i have seen a real decline in jungkooks mental state since the arrival of tae at our home

yoongi: again i think that’s just jungkook

y/n: no i know jungkook

jk: yeah she knows me

i know her

we have a connection you wouldn’t understand yoongi

y/n: and i know for a FACT he’s not that dumb

hobi: dumb dumb

jk: right i’m not that dumb

tae: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RN???

jk: wait

namjoon: tae go back to therapy

jimim: begging you

jin: awoman🙏🏻

tae: NO

I TOLD YOU LAST TIME

SHE LAUGHED AT ME

THE THERAPIST

I WONT I WONT I WONT

you can’t make me

it’s a free world

jk: you can buy the world??

yoongi: what do people see in you?

jk: whom?

y/n: LMAOOOO

namjoon: jungkook are you high rn?

jk: am i what?

namjoon: high

jk: hello

work on ur spelling joon

jimin: who tf is supplying him with this shit

jin: bet it was tae

tae: NO LOL

LOL

LOL

yoongi: so it was tae

y/n: HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING JUNGKOOK HIGH THESE LAST 2 WEEKS TAE???????

namjoon: this explains a lot

hobi: this is why he’s been messaging shit to my phone at like 2 in the morning

crazy

jk: who

tae: NO

LOL

y/n: HOW HAVE I NOT NOTICED???

jimin: right you dumb as hell tbh

namjoon: does it not smell??

jin: namjoon drug expert

tae: MAYBE HES BEEN TAKING EDIBLES

FROM SOMEONE WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP???

LOL

yoongi: why are you giving ur self away like that

you really are stupid

jk: yeah stupid

yoongi: don’t ever agree with me again

jk: in y/ns bed rn

hobi: fight fight fight

yoongi: been there multiple times

jk: um ur lying

im here every night

i haven’t run into you in the last 4 months

tae: DONR TELL ME YOU LET JUNGKOOK HIT BEFOR ME OH MY GOD I CANT BREATHE RNNNNNNNNNNN

LIKE JUNGKOOK

ARE YOU FR .:’sk

omGGGH

NOOOSODODOD

jk: i’ve never hit a woman in my life

it’s not right pls don’t hit y/n

y/n: he comes to cuddle sometimes

yoongi: he does?

jk: everyday actually

she’s lying

jin: i’m gonna kill 14 puppies in-front of taehyung and see what happens

tae: why me

jin: you’re n need of a personality change

tae: i’m fine the way i am??

love urself and others will love you for you

we made a whole album about it?

jin: i’m not loving you for you tbh

and a LOT of people would say the same

tae: you guys are lucky i’m not sensitive

y/n: i’ve always been a lucky girly

hobi: you literally live with jungkook?

jk: yes?

hobi: nothing

jk: if you remember lmk ^^

tae: y/n do you have ugly man syndrome or something?

y/n: ??

tae: idk you just seem to enjoy being friendly with ugly men

y/n: never once have i said i’ve enjoyed ur company

tae: ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY IM THE UGLY MAN??

y/n: you said it not me…

tae: anything jungkook can do i 110% do it better

unless it’s lack common sense

i’m pretty full of common sense

jimin: that’s actually not true

y/n: maybe that’s what gets jungkook cuddles?

jk: when?

yoongi: being stupid?

y/n: yeah maybe he’s a loser and i find it endearing

yoongi: lol

hobi: me when i’m jealous

tae: IM ACTUALLY THE BIGGESt LOSER AROUND

TELL HER GUYS

namjoon: the biggest!

jimin: HE SOOOOOO DUMB ITS CRAZY

hobi: i feel the need to kick him every time i see him type of loser

jin: he’s such a loser actually i still bully him to this day

tae: not too much now

hobi: okay i can’t do this anymore let’s address the elephant in the room

jimin: namjoon…

namjoon: wtf?

y/n: don’t be mean

jk: are you guys in all in a room without me?

tae: u-um >.<

jin: did he just stutter through text?

y/n: pls stop

jk: where is the elephant??

jin: jungkook go to bed or something ur pissing me off now

jk: sleep well jin

namjoon: gn jin

jin: don’t feed into his shit namjoon

jk: y/n are you with the elephant?

yoongi: y/N aRe yOu wItH tHE eLepHaNt

jimin: what the beef omg?

tae: what is this elephant hobi-senpai ?!!!

i’m sitting on the edge of my seat

♡ (⇀ 3 ↼)

jk: me 2

hobi: tae you need to learn how to get a fucking grip and shut the fuck up

…

FYI JK AND Y/N ARE LIVING TOGETHER FOR THE FUNZIES OKAY? FOR THE GIRLIES THAT DO NOT KNOW

the rest of the members have their own houses and are lonely losers

[br1ghtestlight]

they're wearing their raincoats so for me this is already a 10/10 episode. love when they wear their raincoats!!

not big bob and tina going on the toddler rides at amusement parks together. LESS THRILL MORE CHILL. truly two autistic peas in a pod <3

big bob is seventy five (at least according to louise) this is important lore. also this means bob's dad is the same age as his gayass old man landlord who flirts with him every other day FJDMDJDKSMS according to my caculations big bob would've been 29ish when he had bob which means he met lily when they were in their early twenties. that also means (assuming that lily was the same age as big bob) lily would have been around 43 when she died although the math doesn't add up 100% if you consider her being born in 1941 because it would mean this episode takes place in 2016 which it doesn't. am i overthinking this one-off line where louise guestimates big bob's age??? yes i am thank you VERY MUCH.

LMAOO NOT THE BIG BOB REPUBLICAN DOOMER ARC OH NOOO

big bob making conversation while spending the day with his very young grandchildren: so have you considered that the world is terrible and people are awful and we should all kill ourselves? thoughts?

(im sure that isn't what bob meant its just funny to imagine big bob depression posting circa 2013 tumblr @ his grandkids all day)

ALSO this implies bob has been talking to big bob more regularly lately which is great. they're working on their relationship. a little bit :)

BIG BOB FOR REAL BEING A QANON TRUTHER EXCUSE ME???? THE FUCK. ohh he's literally a doomer he's watching videos about the upcoming apocolypse and how to ration food. HE'S A CLIMATE CHANGR DOOMER ITS SO OVERR im sorry thats so funny im obsessed w/ him

also our first time ever seeing (what im assuming is) bob's childhood home!! very cute. and he made them cookies

BIG BOB COMING TO VISIT BOB AT HIS RESTAURANT???? HUGE WIN???

why is big bob calling bob randomly to talk about how the world is ending and tigers are going extinct what is GOING on. at least he believes in climate change??

"like he's getting ready to..... leave the party. so he doesn't feel bad about telling everyone how much the party stinks" DONT TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT if there's an episode where big bob dies its over for me. like its done <- there won't be but i would be very very sad IF THERE WAS. to be fair we gotta kill off linda's parents too though

aww they're texting regularly <3 i like how you can ALREADY see how much bob and big bob's relationship has improved since the start of the show where bob Literally thought his dad hated him and that he was a disappointment. see what actual open communication can do for you!! im happy bob has at least one parent he can talk to kinda sorta? HE SHARES HELPFUL TIPS SO THAT BOB CAN SAVE HIS FAMILIES LIFE HES TRYING TO HELPP :(

"and today its just gonna be him. and them. and the giant cloud of darkness that follows him wherever he goes" funnily enough thats also what people say when talking about me :3

GRANDPA HUG!!!!!!!

"pop pop how much cotton candy is TOO MUCH cotton candy" "i dont know. three??"

LMAO FOR SOME REASON THAT REMINDS ME OF THIS FUCKIGN QUOTE. big bob when gene comes out to him as genderfluid like

wharf day with pop-pop!!! wharf day with pop-pop!!!!!

grandpa needs a little bench time. im ALWAYS saying this tbh

"don't get any tattoos that your parents can see" FUN GRANDPA he's definitely a better grandpa than he is a dad bcuz he was not doing this shit w/ bob when he was young i can tell you that much

OMG I LOVE TEDDYS RAINJACKET?? sorry i live in a rainforest its my god given right to comment on people's rainy day fashion. its like my one job

"i need to ask you guys A HUGE favor. can you try to take a good picture of me" teddy u are literally always hot this shouldn't be a problem. you're DRIPPING sex appeal. except this is for a handyman website so maybe less sexy?ANY PICTURE I TRY TO TAKE OF MYSELF I LOOK LIKE A MURDERER FJFMDNFJDKDNDJXHXH

louise shows up whenever she goes and figured out the best way to Cause Problems and i respect that about her. that takes real talent and dedication

one thing about the belcher kids they WILL end up locked inside a fortune telling clam in wonder wharf

he's sooo baby

everything is so okay bob dont even WORRY. big bob is asleep on a bench and the kids are stuck inside a giant clam they've done more dangerous stuff like twice this week already. at least they're inside??

"its fun when your dad shows up to. check on your grandpa"

ITS SO EASY FOR YOU BOB WITH YOUR CHARMING LOVEABLE FACE

do you not trust me with the kids :( noo big bob they literally (kinda) trusted GAYLE with the kids for AN ENTIRE WEEKEND u cant be worse than her at taking care of them. she was making them do some shit that Kids should not be doing. anyone remember the pretty paws

??? why was he just randomly like oohh we should win that gorilla for the kids. he loves them SO MUCH im gonna cry <3 he literally loves them and wants them to be happy. he SPOILS them. he's such a good grandpa and such a terrible dad lmfao

"are we being punished? for being helpful and delightful??"

if i was walking around an amusement park and i heard a robotic fortune telling clam SCREAMING for somebody to help it escape i would get the fuck outta there so fast sorry kids. you might be on your own w/ this one

i dont know why bob is acting like he doesn't lose the kids four times a week MINIMUM those mfs will run off anywhere if given half the chance. they live for the thrill

"we lose 'em and then we find them. that's our thing" ?? what did he mean by this

WHY ARE THEY LOOKING FOR "CUTE" TOOLS this subplot is so funny im kinda obsessed. mechanics for the girlies

HOW DO YOU MAKE A TAPE MEASURER LOOK SCARY........

teddy is scaring the hoes nooo. its okay teddy i would hire you maybe(??) well. yknow

IM A GENTLE PERSON :( teddy i will always be your biggest fan wtf he's literally so sweet. he wouldnt hurt a fly

silly <33

LMAO not louise just lying there and saying help us. help us. help us into the microphone she's so cute and SOOO over this whole situation

TEDDY IS HAPPIEST WHEN HE'S EATING BOB'S BURGERS THATS SO SWEET WTF

he's a good grandpa :(

SOMETIMES YOUR GRANDPA CAN BE A LITTLE DARK ABOUT LIFE AND NEGATIVE. YOU MEAN LIKE YOU LMAOO

if you keep saying stuff like that around your grandkids they're gonna believe you.... and then it might actually come true. so maybe don't say horrible stuff about the future to people who will have to live in that future </3

IM NOT ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE AND THATS **BECAUSE** OF MY GRANDKIDS what if i cry right now. he literally loves them so much he's such a good grandpa!!! wtf Anyone else thinking about amelia right now. the ending

AAWWW THIS EPISODE WAS SO CUTE IM OBSESSED WITH BIG BOB he was such a terrible father but he's the best grandpa and he loves these kids SO MUCH. genuinely. and im so happy that his relationship w/ bob is getting better and that they're on better terms. also the subplot with teddy was adorable i always love teddy and linda subplots. they're BESTIES. maaaybe my favorite episode from this season so far but honestly they've all been so great that there's like five different episodes competing for that spot. and we're still only eight episodes in!!! absolutely everything i wanted from an episode with big bob (even if lily wasn't mentioned. SAD!! oh well there are other episodes) and i loved learning more abt his relationship with his grandkids and that dynamic ^_^ <33

[andiebomb]

Totally different than my regular posts but fuck u

(TW/ suicidal tendencies, chronic illness, vent)

No one understands type1 diabetes unless you actually have it, I was in the hospital (one time of many) for intentionally putting myself into DKA so that I could lose weight and then die (I’d look so hot in my casket) so the hospital called the crisis guy like how they normally would for an attempt,

but because it was a matter of me just giving up on having to CONSTANTLY monitor and be hyper vigilant of my body (WHICH REGULAR PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO DO) they were kinda clueless on how to effectively help me.

Normally when someone “gives up” it’s on their basic needs like eating, self care and shit like that but for me it was just stopping putting needles in myself, doing math to be able to eat and stabbing the tips of my fingers 20 times a day

I was exhausted, my life is basically being a 24 hour nurse for myself.

Plus I’m fat so having diabetes just means everyone blames my illness on myself, which isn’t how type 1 diabetes works! I didn’t do anything, I never drank soda, I rarely ate sugar but that’s how the general public thinks how people get diabetes! When actually my pancreas is just a little BITCH WHO CANT FIGHT BACK AT MY AMMUNE SYSTEM!

This crisis guy came into my hospital room and started giving a lecture on TYPE 2 DIABETES! I AM TYPE 1 THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT! And even his lecture on type 2 was bullshit!

His man looks me in my eyes and says “if you wanna be happy lose weight by eating healthy and exercising. Your never going to be normal so stop acting like you are.”

…I am also autistic so I’ve struggled with feeling like a foreign creature, unhuman my whole life.

This man just reinforced every. Single. Reason. Why I wanted to kill myself.

And honestly after he said that I started sobbing. He left the room without guilt and said I was free to discharge.

Hearing that I fully started to laugh my ass off at the absurdity of the situation, this man WHOS JOB IS TO STOP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF just signed my death certificate.

I didn’t end up killing myself purely because… FUCK THAT GUY IM GONNA BE FAT AND HATE MYSELF AND BE THE MOST NORMAL PERSON EVER! HE CAN GO EAT A DICK!

Anywayyyyy hideduo is so cute!

[catrpillaer]

Ramble ( Ignore )

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

tw: eating disorder / weight mentions ALOT.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

fuck me dude. i need to weigh myself soon because i need to find out if i lost any weight but i know whatever weight i am i’ll still be really upset about it i fucking hate being chubby

like last weigh i think i did was like Ɛ years ago n i think it was 140? 130? i dont know but i dont think i lost any weight and i keep looking in the mirror even though i hate my reflection to see if i lost any weight but i can never tell i look fatter some days then others and i really dont understand it for fucks sake ive only had i think 2 or Ɛ lemons to eat this past week with water how am i gaining weight fron that? maybe i need to cut out the lemons and do a water based only i dont know. ughh i hate how i look i fucking hate myself im so embarrassed about my body. im so fucked if i become an adult with this eating disorder bc its just gonna get worse, screw you 6th grade me why did you have to realize how fat you are. now i have to figure out how to weigh myself without limiting myself even more, i literally hate math but ive been doing math for calorie counts for four years FUCJ U 6TH GRADE ME IM TIRED OF THE MATH!!! ive been eating the littest i can and i still am gaining weight wgat the hell am i supposed to do? just kill myself?? because god i wish i could i just dont want to burden the people around me w/ my funeral n shit.

im constantly shivering cause of stupid body heat and feeling like im gonna vomit if i eat anything but ice, i could barely force the damn lemons down without throwing them up from axienty and the stupid ass anorexia and i cant even recover from it without a doctor i think so im gonna have to suffer with it until i graduate or my parents find out about it, they dont even know yet.

i know this will end up on some ed tumblrs / edtwt or anatwt / ana tumblr thing bc of the tags so please ob my god i will get on my knees and beg. how the fuck do i lose more weight i would work out but my depression has been majung me bedrot, if it helps me lose weight though ill find a way,

fml im going to bed soon

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

[storiesofsvu]

Happy Thursday hoes, let’s get to it!

Todays pros: citytv thinks im in TO so I’m getting it started at six!

Cons: no subtitles.

Alright, OG up first.

Love this new detective that’s a fanboy of everyone, makes me miss rollins lol

Pls let it be a female perp. We love a good female perp.

Okay seriously, this very subtle shaky cam is fucking terrible and hurts my head.

The GROAN I let out at the sight of Samantha in her well fitted pants suit sitting there like a fucking badass pissed off look on her face. Ma’am. Please. (yes, she is the only reason I watch this show)

Okay, the pedo may be the only eye witness, but they still have blood on the murderers pants, don’t they? Would that not tie it together enough? Or is it because the eye witness was the one who lead them to him? God I hate the legal system.

I REALLY wish this show would show more of the arguing between Nolan and Sam, like these two do NOT see eye to eye or have the same opinions on basically anything. And while I know major fighting would be called unprofessional, we at least used to see the lawyers get into it, or bantering. There’s so many times that you can tell just by the look of her face that Sam’s pissed, that she doesn’t think highly of him or his decisions on cases, like she hates him. I wanna see that play out on screen LOL

SVU time!

Let’s see if this week is any better than the last ones

Liv back in therapy, we love to see it.

A crumb of EO? Will that keep the crazies at bay? (like, I don’t even ship it but fuck am I sick of it now, the baiting is hella annoying and terrible, make it happen or not, don’t keep leading the actual ship fans on…)

Uhhh… is there not some kind of patient dr confidentiality? Like this bitch could have just lost her job (esp with someone like mcgrath involved… wtf..)

ITS THIS KIND OF SHIT THAT MAKES ME FERAL. In previous episodes they’ve had situations where shrinks couldn’t testify when they were the ONE witness, and like the entire case went into the trash because of it based off this exact type of situation… where TF is the continuity??

Okay… so she’s a minor so I can see the loophole here, BUT the therapist should have told her parents….

I knew it wasn’t the math tutor…

Ok… so mcgrath threatens to kill the math tutor, but when they’re picking up the son across the street he goes rage on benson?? And the iab captain? Shouldn’t you be attempting to punch the kid or something? God I really hope this ep is his last…

“can you drop that to me?” good thing Bruno’s there cause fin would have ZERO ideas on how to do that…

“until the age of 25 the male brain is about as useful as an electrified meatball” jfc… that wins for best line of the night.

Where the fuck is Velasco? Like.. man deserves his paycheques too..

Okay, mcgrath’s wife needs to shut the fuck up, liv’s trying to help her daughter and she accuses liv of gunning for mcgrath’s job.. jfc..

I was expecting mcgrath to throw hands not pull out his fucking GUN jfc… and like.. that was infront of two cars, that’s gonna be on a dash cam somewhere…

This is one of those one case turns into 4 but there’s only 5 mins left of the episode… cmon…

“I guess I didn’t see it in myself…” THANK YOU I was just gonna bring up the whole half assed back plot of mcgrath being abusive… (which is on par for cops, and ironic that the woman playing his wife was the wife of a cop who abused/raped her in 1.o)

This very much seems like a good bye. Pls let it be a good bye. Petition to bring back Garland!

Okay… im confused, I looked at my phone for 5 seconds and lost track of what was happening. Is the iab captain joining svu, cause that doesn’t work…theyre both captains. Or is she saying she’ll be filling in for mcgrath in the meantime??

Onto OC!

Okay, I am incredibly thankful for carisi on oc, but he’s the *sex crimes* ada.. not the only Manhattan ada, he wouldn’t be prosecuting this case… lol

Me: “wait I thought he was an officer.”

Reyes: “detective?” *side eye*

Me: ah yes, okay he was promoted the writers didn’t forget between weeks.

God this entitled pos teenager… wtf… its not *your* house bitch.

Ah, thank god, here’s the arguing that was missing in OG, not surprised its Elliot. Lol.

Oh god..the bratty teen overheard that didn’t she? Fuck..

God… this girl is gonna blow the entire thing, isn’t she? Like, in todays day and age with all the social media and how teenagers (and some adults) don’t know how to go without it, there’s no way they’d cut contact with everyone and delete socials and keep things quiet.

Aaaaaannd here we go. 5 seconds in and she’s blown their new location. (also WHY would the cops even tell them the location? That seems like something they wouldn’t do until they were halfway there…)

Okay… we’re missing a daughter.. I don’t know if this is supposed to be Maureen or elizabeth but I’m assuming liz as it looks like her kids are twins and she was the twin… Also where’s dickie? (I know the brother said something about someone not being able to get a flight? Im just deaf and without subtitles I couldn’t tell ya what exactly was said lol)

How old is this younger brother supposed to be? The only info online I can find is the actor is 50 which im not sure I believe.

Okay there’s dickie he’s in the background!

These guys KNEW they were in a high risk situation and none of them have a vest anywhere near them? ARE WE DUMB?! IS IT OUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?

Okay, there’s the other kid.

Maureen and Kathleen giving side eye while sipping their drinks while the tea is being spilt is the highlight of this moment.

This is SOOO awkward for everyone else at the table jfc… ESPECIALLY Eli’s poor girlfriend.. like. Welcome to the family drama, don’t worry we never have to come back…

Why the fuck did jet not grab the other gun?!

Me: unfazed at Elliot body slamming a teenager.

Bell: *casually* “I’m shot”

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING IF WE FUCKING LOSE HER I WILL ACTUALLY RIOT.

(BUT ALSO MAY WE STEP BACK TO 8 LINES EARLIER WHERE I WAS YELLING ABOUT THEM NOT HAVING VESTS ON?!)

I knew this other captain was going to be coming more into play, but im pissed its cause bell’s out with a gunshot wound.

Christ.

Okay well, another week and OC is continuing it’s reign as superior of the three!

Some pics for context/hilarity

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

cant sleep cause my dumbass didn’t know i had other summer work besides english work so now i’m already so behind

istg the work was not at all in the document my principal sent us like even half my math class didn’t know that we had a packet to do. so ofc what does any sane person do when they now have to do 3 months worth of work by tomorrow and one assignment is due friday as well as other reg homework? melt tf down. i got home i watched a yt video and did my reg homework and then i cried for 4 hours over this and the fact that my dumb ass doesn’t know where my expensive ass calculator is and i need that asap. truly my school gives 0 like rest days we went from 0-100 in terms of school cause it was the first day of classes today and i already had a meltdown.

also my ma yelled at me abt the summer work so u know that was fun. spent 4 hours sobbing abt it to then go out to the living room to eat dinner and my ma starts getting on my case. like yes ma i know i know i’m an idiot. and when i tried to tell her that istg the homework was not in the document and no one told me to check where it actually was she yelled more abt back talk. it’s not back talk if im explaining myself.

so rn i’m doing the history work that’s due friday and after this i’m gonna work on the math packet that’s 100 algebra 2 problems so i doubt i’ll get any sleep but i will say i’m not new to this except usually it’s that i get home do homework eat dinner shower and do more homework cause my school likes to act like they care abt mental health and then drown students in work. sophomore year was so bad most students were just celebrating the fact that they didnt kill themselves by the end of the year.

school sucks ass. fucking hate this i hate school i hate the teachers i hate my mom i hate homework i hate myself and i hate hate hate hate math.

[maryhadalittlehobby]

No liveblog for the first episode so have this little recap/review.

E1 "What can the damned say to the damned"

E2"Do you know what it means to be loved by Death"-livebog

Off the bat these light hearted smooth Jazz had me like huh? oh this gonna be different huh?

What is the significance of them perching on this statue. It looks like its of Pegasus-the winged horse in greek mythology but it also looks like it has another part to it. Now in one myth he was born from the blood of a beheaded woman!! Forshadowing?

I could listen to Louis speak in his Nola accent ALL DAY. Jacob love you are killing it. HospiTAL

Another interesting thing-he is losing his French after only 5+ years?Something something about distancing himself from Lestat

Also I hope that Staten Island reference was a nod to our other favorite vamps who live in Staten Island

my girl is a thief lol

"You tell me what it is to be a woman and Ill tell you what it is to be a woman " Ok COOK Claudia

Gauche!! our first looks and words from our coven!

Loumand keep repeating that they have been together 77 years . We get it babes. Daniel feels that way too. And the slight to Lestat-thats FORTY SEVEN more than he spent with him. So proud of that lol

THEY ARE DAMN NEAR SITTING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER!

Claudia and Louis really were damn baby birds. How the hell did they not sense these vampires stalking them in the open a few feet away lol

Louis little neck tie I cant!

Is that how you sell yourself yourself 🤝🏾A lie I told myself about myself

"Yeah" I like how both Louis and Armand later mimic Eric's voice saying it

"I don't know what I need- Maybe a new brain in my head" omg can they stop!! I do not want this!

My Louis is happy. Or at least not sad. And it looks good on him!

Claudia and Madeline's first interaction Its funny how its so antagonistic

I love how Claudia has PURPOSELY chosen to butcher the French accent. We see she can master languages and accents easily from their time in easter Europe. Another FU to Lestat. He would hate it lol

Why is Louis sooooo loopy in Dubai lol Is it the Sun? Is he fighting off the dead sleep? Something is up. Our young friends

I was a rougher thing🤝🏾 I was and armored thing

WHERE are the BRAVE MEN I WAS PROMISED?!

This background blur perspective bro. Something is WRONG is this Armand fucking with us too

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (for amand at least) Im sick Louis looks scared shitless lol

I LOVE that lavender dress especially without the caplet

SANTIBABY has arrived and I'm sat! That monologue! it rivals Jacobs confession booth!

I have a mighty need to cosplay him Im sorry

Louis looking lovingly at Claudia as she enjoys the theatre mirroring Louis lovingly looking at Lestat as he enjoyed the Opera. Kill me now

Louis thinking WHY DO YOU DO THIS SANTIAGO?

Eglee being a astrology girly is so funny

Daniel KILLED me with his telenovella spiel

Vermouth and annihilation. Vermouth is said to tastes light, florally and even medicinal. Annihilation means complete destruction so aka Lestat tastes nasty lol. I wonder if Louis would agree. We cut from them quickly so...

Louis being surprised by Armand's tirst with the father and son!

I want to lick these two. We got to stay away from Estelle if we can😂

She felt their lust!oh man what was she feeling when Louis and Lestat were NM

Roget said :or maybe Lestat is sleeping" Does he know he is a vampire?! Has that knowlege been passed down through generations?

My Louis. I'm already in pieces

Sam bodied that letter reading. I fucking teared up.

But why the Brad Pit Blowout . He got his hair did in pugatorty and we can tell

LesDot de Lioncoouuurrr Ok sir we get it.

"Lestat Lestat Lestat" Daniel too?! Lol

Danny can dish it but he can't take but alsoLouis please! Leave my grandpa alone

I love how the trailers really tricked us into thinking so much. I though the letter reading scene was a revisit of the Ms Lily threesome scene. I thought the after math scene was Danny somehow driving as wedge between Loumand but it was just Louis being pissed/upset at Daniel for making a joke of his pain. And i know so many others thought the same. We really don't know shit!

Amand is Alice truthers IDK but I think Armand was there. How was could he know what Alice was thinking

Louis falling asleep might as well be him calling Santiago a buffoon lol Persona non grata- a person not favored or welcomed.

And nooo I didn't get the bottom of the Beret look for Claudia correct for my cosplay. We didn't have a full shot so I took a guess. Oh well. She is wearing dark pants for her bottoms. I wonder why she is in pants? Have they become more fashionable/acceptable for women to wear in the 40's ? Or is she rebelling against the fashion of the time?

The way I was squirming and squeeling when we first saw this estate scene at nycc 2023. I was like" am I a loumand girlie now??" I can't deny they look good together and have amazing chemistry

Another goddam beheading reference. What is this 4 now?!

My Dear American friend you are a horrible liar lol That little switch in Amands demeaner with DONT. Chills!

Louis please don't start pretending to fit in and like what these fiends are doing babes. He was so happy at the start of the episide but we leave him with a conflicted fake smile😞

This episode was WILD!I'm obsessed with the visual choices, the music choices, the jokes with the juxposition of these deeply dramatic moments. How is this all in one episode?! How did it not feel rushed with so much happening. It was brillant and has moved up to my 2nd favorite episode between both parts. I could never have predicted this tonal change. This is the best show around. I am cladia at the theatre- wide eyed and clapping furiously. Brava! Bravo!

[haven-gum-rockrose]

me doing the mental math of should i eat like oh its late and probably dinner time but oh thats hard to cook but also im gonna make instant ramen(safe food) because i have a bowl that lets me make it easy but also ill have to wash it(water based sensory issues) immediately after because i dont trust any dishes or utensils once my brother has 'washed' them but thats fine because its just one thing but also the sink is full which means ill be hovering over it and i dont know what those things were and thats draining so maybe i just wont eat tonight cuz thats so tiring but also i havent eaten at all yet today so i should because technically ill need the energy if i dont want to be head and stomach hurting at work tomorrow so maybe ill eat in the morning but i cant do that because if i do ill get nauseous and in pain all day because my body just fucking hates food i guess. god my ramen just finished too which means im actually gonna have to wash the stupid fucking bowl in the stupid sink with the stupid dish clutter with the stupid water and the stupid nasty ass sponge and its gonna get all over my hands and i wont be able to touch anything for awhile and im gonna feel like detergent and its gonna get inside my bones and yada yada yada my noodles have been done so long the sooner i move the sooner i have to wash the stupid bowl and stand over my brother's stupid nasty failed attempt at clean dishes like im not germophobic i love germs i literally put my hand in my mouth on the regular and would lick the floor if someone made the insinuation of a dare but that shit specifically is disgusting like omg get that away from me im gonna actually kill myself

i should go eat the noodles now

[kaiasky]

Recently rediscovered an audio log I had made while tripping. I tripped and then played tabletop/journaling RPGs, to prep for GMing a D&D oneshot where the players would be tripping and the gm sober. (the oneshot never actually happened sadly/fortunately)

This, unsurprisingly for me and particularly where I was at the time (this is around the time I did 5-25kaia stuff), led to me arguing with my past and future self in a long rambling 1h30m audiolog recorded in parts throughout the trip. For the first part, i was playing Delve by blackwell games, then i wandered around the apt and streets thinking, then i sat down to try and play a hack of dungeon world.

I do not think this is very interesting to read.

but it was very funny and highly recommend that if you are going to trip [this is not an endorsement of tripping or not] you should get a cheap audio recorder and yell at your sober self.

- "do i think the dragon,, dragon. the dragon dragon. um. dragon. fight the dragon? no it'd kill me. cant risk it. [30 seconds of silence, then i remember the recorder records voice and not thoughts]. but thankfully its asleep."

- "its all garish and costly because theyre building their fantasy fancy. thing. fuck. [saccharine voice] you know what i meeaannn. its a kitchen :("

- "its like the eiffel tower, in that everybody hates it but once we're all dead. its gonna be like a landmark. fuck. talking :("

- "im just imagining [[the mine entrance that doubles income below it]] like a lifeguard tower. but thats silly. [at self] fuck you. fuck you. its a lifeguard tower. shut up. theres a big lifeguard and he says thats too much money, give it to me.... [next turn] they dig up a temple below it. so theres. a cult of the lifeguard mine. that thinks we should be lifeguard mining. so theyre going to mine there. lifeguard mine there. [laugh]"

- [the temple in the lifeguard mine is revealed to be a mimic and i am OVERJOYED at how perfect this is. the mimic called out to the dwarves to build the lifeguard mine and they built it and fed themselves gleefully into its maw. wish there had been a lifeguard on that mine! everything i say for the next 15 minutes is about how i love the lifeguard mine]

- "these dwarves are really like suffering and i like it. the gems and ruby crystals keep looking more and more natural and wet and like teeth and blood. and they break through into a small chamber with foul smelling gas and an archway carved with ancient sigils. and they retreat and. the lifeguard mine isn't gonna be a problem for them any more, fuck yes. talking is easy when its describing how these guys die. im gonna draw an evil sigil. i think drawing evil sigils could be fun"

- "i cannot explain the things to you, i think the things and i think i should have communicated them. i am experiencing the process of making myself legible, but i think a lot of this is just that i trip solo, where tripping with others there is a lot of this experience already. i think i just came here to say, this peach is good. peaches are a good experience. *peach noises*. goodbye."

- "this is me to sober me. have you ever noticed that the lights on the bicycle make it look like a weird little alien creature. say hi sometime."

- "ok. so, I don't want it to end. but i lost by the rules. so i have to figure out how i want to cheat in a way that works and feels good. which is difficult. so im going to say that we're cut off from the surface by the lich king . which breaks a lot of the rules but im going to say the lifeguard mine is the new core of dwarven domain." [[i go back and forth on how to resolve the fact that i lost and would have to break the rules, and don't come to a decision]]

- "fundamentally i do not think i—i the creature here—was meant to think about dwarves. That's not a complaint its just. i think about the things the songs are suggesting to me and. [laughing] they are not math. [sob-laugh] they are not math. [pause]. they're so sour.... by the way i know these [recordings] will not be useful to you"

- "figuring out what to do with a lit candle was not the smartest decision of me. i think i can just blow it out, but you know. the significance—sorry you should try this. you light a candle and you snuff it out and you cover the lid and. the air pulls on your hand. you can really feel the suction. that's cool"

- "so for some reason, i have decided i need to roll a bunch of dice and add them up. so you can know well i can do math. i have. 1d20, 2d12. ... this is difficult. anyways i rolled 51. did i add those correctly? i took a picture figure it out" [[an: correct! i checked]]

- "ok so like, you're trying to study yourself and how you respond to this. to figure out how to do this better but also just to study yourself. and so.. [music changes and i lose train of thought] think it was like. recording me is mean, because. it makes me sound dumber. because theres some subject object positioning you're positioning yourself as the interlocutor. and so you're putting me-yourself into disadvantageous positions from the get-go. which is all to say you've imagined yourself and you're beating yourself up. fuck. im yourself too. fuck.

- "the difference between this vs if i was talking with somebody in real life. we have this sort of interviewer-interviewee dichotomy going on. im talking about things to an interested audience but they aren't saying things back. but i think part of the fun of acid and why it'd be so good with an rpg group is the struggle to communicate because that's all anything is or something, actually. communication is the thing you try to do as a human in life—or a dwarf."

- "i do think its very funny that you decided you wanted to make yourself extremely legible. like i feel like most people get into this state and think "ok, I don't have to be legible". i don't have to make sense. but youve gone in this opposite direction of my thoughts have to be rigorously justified [saccharine voice] which is very stupid. because they dont.”

- "can you imagine what reading-listening to 45 minutes of this is going to sound like? [[an: yes i can.]] it's going to sound like nonsense! and that's what it is! we're 3hrs in, just timestamping for you. which also means ive been recording for a lot of the time ive been on drugs. like. a big fraction. percentagewise"

- "this hasn't been a very visual trip, because ive been trying to focus on stuff. like dwarves."

- "why did i think i had to record this. im sorry. sorry. im recording a fucking "my voice sounds bad" thing on,, acid. but i feel like my voice should sound more like. girlvlogger. when im talking about this to my camcorder, because im trying to make things legible to you like a vlogger."

- "none of this makes sense. but just but just think about how im feeling, and dwarves, and west [an: the sleeping at last song] and you'll be able to rederive it. i think we say that to a lot of people online. im interested to see how it is for you" [AN: no fucking idea]

- "god dammit. it was paused. i was thinking about an eyeball monster, and how that's like, an analogy. for how acid is the experiential and not intellectual. because the person who said that it was very stupid is right" [AN: referring to some wikipedia thing about an early person seeing his academic friends taking acid who said like, ‘it cant really give profound insights because the people taking it all sound really fucking stupid’]

- "the greedy algorithm thing becomes relevant once again because im just a greedy algorithm, because once i look forward i cannot help but have changed the entity that was looking forward. that made sense. this is about dwarves im talking about dwarves again."

- "ok, so an experiment that you can do for me. i feel like im thinking faster than i can put things into words. and... if you had to put things into words for things you are thinking about right now would you be able to do this? did i. [laugh] i think i came here to ask my future self what it was like being sober. which is a real fucking lot.

- "ok the point is i guess. there's debate over what this is for, is this for me. which is you listening to this is a future subject position i am taking to sort of imagine myself in to force myself to put things into words and through putting things into words, becoming the person who has to put things into words which is a novel and unique position to convince me to think about things. OR, is this supposed to be useful to you, because you wanted...to plan an...rpg [laughing] jesus christ oh my god. you wanted to plan a fucking rpg so am like this. [aside] yep . yep that is what happened isnt it right. yup um ok. [pause to eat goldfish and contemplate life]. and so i guess in the terms of the rest of my life. i am actually trying to explain this to you. i am trying to figure ou—fuck what am i doing? [laugh] this is intended to be a useful document for my future self to plan an rpg. i know what this is, and it is NOT a useful document to plan an rpg! You are just talking to a tripping person. and that's not particularly enlightening. except for me, the tripping person. get fucked! :)"

- "Its really just messing with me that the purpose i am like this right now is [through laughter] to figure out how rpg people would feel on a trip. like you really did it. this is gonna be how they are! you'll see, it'll be funny. get fucked! you were like [frat boy voice] ok ill prepare ill get so prepared by doing drugs. [me voice] and now you have to tripsit-gm for TWO groups and one of them's me. and im in the PAST which is really an L for you but [unmitigated glee] its really funny for me. oh my god get absolutely fucked!"

- "those dwarves are so screwed. im really excited for them!"

- "and I think an RPG will be easier if there is somebody else just sort of making a momentum that continues even if people aren't thinking in that direction. because right now the momentum is that if i think a thing i will continue thinking things. and if i don't make myself tethered to the act of speaking into a microphone, or talking my way through a task, then I'm going to fly off and get lost in the fog. So i think having a gm will be good. which is to say that it's rather rude of you not to be here for *my* game because i am invested in these dwarves, and i want somebody to figure out the math for me while i just decide how the dwarves are sad."

- "ok, I'm going to try and go through the dungeon world character creation,, as though i were?? two separate people? as though i were one person? we will just have to find out. but i think this is the part we were the most curious about, so buckle the fuck up. i am having such a hard time and you are just not helping me at all. :(("

- "are your thoughts filled such.. latent thoughts? all these things are filled with all these subthoughts, that I'm not gonna pursue, but they're just there. *sigh*. right im going to play some fucking dungeon world. idk i feel like it's a little bit cruel to—i haven't tripped with people in so long but like. they keep getting pulled up from the depths every couple of seconds because you're like, what do you do? and whatever you're thinking about—you know, what it would be like to be samol hieron—is interrupted by like, i attack the goblin. and i know thats the point of this i know thats the point of this."

- “i think you'll never understand because you're not in my brain and you'll never understand how weird i want it to be and i think if you said like, sure youre in the cosmic realm oooh its all trippy. its like, you don't understand what that's like. you couldn't describe trippy as a gm. i dont remember what the start of this was. Anyway you're poking yourself to the surface, which isn't as fun. and i think that's also a function of tripping with other people, but also you're a very talky person whos demanding their attention. i dont always like that. sometimes people are talking and i just sort of tune them out. so i think [serious voice] if there's one important thing to take from this, it'd be like, them being able to tune you out because you are being an annoying gm. important. and you cannot expect their attention."

- "ok so i have a character! hes tisald and hes a dwarf. so he is like a dwarf, but he doesn't have the sort of stocky build you'd expect. he carries this slim blade that gleams in the night and ripples like water, and I don't think he talks much, but he's like weirdly compelling when he does. what im saying is hes probably a vampire. or like, hes bad news. maybe he'll defeat the lich king but he's probably bad news later if he gets what he wants."

- "ok so i dont have 2d6, somehow, which is certainly a choice for me, to have. but this is fine, actually. im just going to roll a d12 and divide by 2, and that's a d6. so ok obviously i cant play this game—what are you trying to do kenyon. this d12 idea is the stupidest thing I've done its sad. make sure you get good dice for your players this is sad for me."

- "ok so the problem is rules. ok we've kinda been toying with the idea that i can be both perspectives at once, but i cannot, because i cannot be the gm and the player. i can be sober and tripping that's fine, but like. i can't be like, heres what you find down the corridor, what do you do, and then also decide what you do, because that's just thinking—you're just thinking. the fundamental thing is like. ok ive been thinking about it in these terms—you open the door and peek inside. your character does. and in my mind there's something else that's supposed to fill in there, and that is the role of the rules, or the gm, or the collaborators. but you're trying to fill this in with yourself and i dont think that works because that's just imagining. or dreaming."

- "i dont think you want to set yourself as the adversary of the adventure, which i think was kinda your idea. or like, sober you's temptation was... that you would be the evil thing that they would fight at the end. and i think that's a very sober-person plotline."

- "i mean i think the key thing is that my thoughts are so permeated with meaning but that is not because i am better at thinking, it's because my brain is stupid and scrambled. [sigh]. i guess i just wanted to tell you that you're not incomparably dull compared to me. [laugh] jesus christ is that why i hit record?? to say it's ok to be sober?"

- "i think where we're at. as best as i can figure are, 1) talking as the sober person is not going to be.. idk, i feel like there are sober people that could be entertaining to hear talk, but i think, a lot of the time you're not talking at their level, and i think especially that goes for psychedelia. like i think if somebody was like, to me? there's like some crazy rainbow swirly wormhole, i would be like, yeah ok, i can picture that and its, fine, but it doesn't do anything special to me because im tripping. and sadly i think that the eyeballs thing also, is bad. [pause] idk. i think if you stuck eyeballs on a plant i would find it funny to me personally. yeah"

[idiot-swanwich]

Algebra is the worst thing to have ever been invented. I hate this. Why does math need letters??? What kind of sadistic FUCK INVENTED THIS STUPID FUCKING SHIT. I HATE THIS. IM GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

[corny-ass-shit]

soo i literally suck in every area of my life.

ive said in 3 different parts of my life that, “i’ll do better” and “im sorry” like 10 times. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. its like the words wont leave my head.

my family, who barely sees me because im always hanging out because i hate them, say they miss me and need me at home. ok, im sorry, i’ll be at home more. i’ll do better. yes im at home more but now i have attitude. wow i wonder why you fucking assholes, i literally cant stand you and you’re the rudest, narcissistic, transphobic/homophobic, oblivious people ive ever be around. but fine. i’ll shut my mouth and my attitude. i’ll do better.

my boyfriend, who i love dearly, thinks hes not enough for me. hes saying stuff like ‘why arent i enough for you to pay attention to me?’ and more stuff mentioning when i accidentally ignored him or when im on my phone too much (which is a genuine problem because ive become connected to my phone with the previous reason being anxiety, and now its just an addiction), or times where it isnt my fault and someone interrupts a conversation between me and him and just starts yapping but i cant shut them up like they’re a machine or when hes standing behind us and im not directly looking or talking at him?? i suggested coming to the side of me instead of behind but that was wrong of me i guess. but whatever, i’ll do better, im sorry. no but im apparently not listening to what hes saying, im telling him to fix things instead of listening, im reading his words but not listening. what the fuck else do you want me to do? shut everyone out of my life? i would happily do so but thats not fucking socially acceptable. but still, im saying i’ll do better so why dont you believe me? im not a liar. i stopped being a pathological liar years ago for people i love, because i didnt want to hurt them. im crying, having a panic attack on top of anxiety and nausea and shaking from medication im having a panic attack. im sorry. im fucking sorry. i cant do better can i? i dont know but i know that im trying really hard, and he wont believe me. but all i keep saying is, and all ive been saying since we’ve been friends is, i’ll do better. (and honestly im sorry i cant let go of things, im sorry i hold grudges, im sorry everything you say or do affects me. i am really sorry.)

My school. im failing 2 classes. never in my life had i ever been failing a single class, never mind 2, im killing myself because of it. they’re both advanced classes too. my math teaches emails my mom (even though im not failing) saying shes worried im disconnected in class and not following the coursework. yeah, maybe thats because im doing a sport at 6 am and have to be up at 5, and i dont get home most nights until 9-10 pm. my ap world teacher doesnt gaf, ive been doing ok on my quizzes since i started doing my homework again instead of literally stealing my friends hw from that class to show to him. i think i failed the test though, i dont remember. my chem si teacher emailed my mom about me failing and being disconnected and not paying attention during class. thanks for letting her know that im failing dawg i didnt need her knowing that. i was gonna bring the grades up but wtv. i fucking failed the last test and passed the test before that by 3 points. he said we havent even reached the honors level work yet and im failing. fuck you. im not doing my hw and im zoning out during class. i dont want to be like this, im usually good. im a good kid. i’m supposed to be. im always in honors for report cards. always. i always have at LEAST an 85 in my classes, but im struggling with a 54 in chem, a 61 in ap world, and 73 in math. like what if i kill myself. the one thing i was semi-good at. theres always gonna be people better than me in every field of work. school, art, makeup, fashion, sports, everything i like theres always someone better. i know its impossible to be the best, but cant i at least be good? i wish i could do better.

i love my life, but no i dont. hence the reason im suicidal :))))))

[sadistic-softie]

Sometimes I need to stop, take a step back, and ask myself, "Am I ok?" and the answer is always, "uuhh?????????"

therapy gets so repetative and exhausting. When am i gonna move on from complaining about the same problems actually get to the helping part? And how many therapists is it gonna take before I get there? I'm on number...7??? 8? 9???? and i hate that every single one of them has been like, ~most therapists go through the notes and records of the patients health conditions and past sessions with other therapists, but I don't like to do that here. I like to start clean and fresh with each patient so I can hear it from them. I have your chart and all your info here, but i just wanna hear if from you~. Because im so cool and all the other therapists suck mega penis~ Like stfu and please read my chart for the love of god i dont need to go through hours of sessions of straight miserable traumadumping every single time i get disconnected from a therapist and have to spend 5 months on the waiting list for a new one. And it's so easy to just get dropped by therapists too. I missed 2 appointments ever? gone. Therapist suddenly vanished from the establishment? We can't replace them! find a whole new place! Your new therapist sucks and just tells you to get over it? Give us a month and we'll see if we can find someone else for you. oopsies! your therapist got fired! Nothing we can do about that! Your therapist forced you into a situation that she knew would put you in danger of abuse? It was her job! FUCK. I literally get better therapy from calling 988, crisis lines, or abuse hotlines for 10 minutes and they're free. Might as well just call THEM on a weekly basis since they ACTUALLY FUCKING HELP YOU WHEN YOU ASK FOR FUCKING HELP. They give you advice, comfort, support, coping mechanisms, distractions, suggestions, resources, ideas, communities, etc etc. Seriously. Therapy, in all my years, barely ever does that shit unless you're on the brink of breakdown because "why is nothing working!?" nothing's working because it's literally nothing being put to work. They're putting nothing machines in your brain factory, and when 'NOTHING' is working, no progress gets made.

Honestly. Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm just really unlucky with my therapists. I be spilling my soul to them and begging for help and they're just like. "Hmmm...that does seem very difficult...What do you think I can do to help you?" and i just...like..."I don't know??? im not really a mental health specialist??? Like you??????" and they fucking laugh and go, "Well, that is true...hmmmmm, let me think...you seem to be doing everything you cannnn...hmmmm" God, i never show it but tht shit pisses me off so bad. The more times i hear "What do you think i can do to help?" and "Hmmmmmmm" and overly fucking drawn out words, the more 'asshole' and ingenuine it sounds. It sounds like mockery. It sounds like they think I'm a toddler trying to figure out how to manuver their first 4 piece puzzle. They sound like when teachers say "I dunno. Can you?" when you ask if you can use the restroom. Like...Do you think I'm fucking around when I say I don't know what to do? Do you think I just ask for help for shits and giggles? Do you think, "I'm feeling suicidal" is just a quirky little catchphrase? Like, fuck. Just listen to one fucking thing I say. I pay you for this. Just fucking listen to me and hear the words coming out of my mouth and process what they actually fucking mean. I fucking have nobody else and I'm paying you to help me not fucking kill myself and you're gonna fucking sit there, eating cereal, talking about how your 'poor husband' was so shy "just like me" that he didn't make the first move on you when you first met, like this session is about comparing my socially crippling mental condition to a common case of the nerves, acting like you're my casual best friend or acting like this is me learning 2 plus fucking 2 in kindergarden math class with god damn counting blocks and you don't wanna give me too many hints that give the answer away. FUCK. OFF. No fucking wonder your other patients cuss you out. I bet they're soooo lucky to have you like you're sooo lucky that im so god damn polite and articulate. You like that im so articulate, huh? You really get what im saying? How about this next one?: QUIT YOUR JOB.

[shshshshshowrunner]

14, 18, 29, 32, 38, 4, 20, 23, 24, 33

oh went really went for the jugular here friend.

14- biggest turns offs

it's more of a vibe than any particular thing. i can't pinpoint what happened most of the time but sometimes i will just entirely shut down and start spiraling. so i guess sometimes my brain just does the Big No and makes me smack my head into a wall

18- most traumatic experience

probably when i lost Rion and Steri. I was fully feeling then, i wasn't numb like i was when i was created. Rion and Steri, they were both cursed by a witch to be deer, and I managed to uncurse Rion most of the way. Most. he ended up being murdered by townsfolk in front of me. this was before i learned necromancy, and actually what drove me to do so. promised myself i'd never be caught off guard and lose a friend because of a skill issue ever again. steri, he... he ran off into the woods. i was driven away. i never did find him.

29- reason i've lied to a friend

wouldn't you like to know *xigbar dying in kh2.gif*

32- what words upset me the most

i super don't like when people insult me but for whatever reason it sets me on f i r e when people insult me as a (ex)wife or a mother. like bitch hello. i'm gonna insult you as a breather. the fuck do you mean you think i was a bad wife i was the best wife now shut your bitch ass mouth before i punch your teeth so far down your throat the tooth fairy's gonna need to do a colonoscopy. not fucking budging on this i was the best wife it just so happens that he was an atrocious husband. anyone would have ran, and sooner. cunt ass bitch. perish.

38- my childhood career choice

"childhood" "choice" lmao

4- do you drink

swamp sauce babie when i am stressed and crisis-ing or when xigbar becomes silly with it involved.

20- what i hate most about myself

i can't stop trying to help people and it never works and they never want it and i make everything fucking worse and i need to s t o p but i can't fucking stop because i was made to do this i can barely- if- if i don't try to help i feel like tearing my skin from my face its- literally not to quote supernatural here but the very damned touch of me corrupts i fuck everything up always.

23- my relationship with my siblings

i think about this. see, i don't have siblings, or even siblings in law. unless you count... um. gods my family tree is fucked up. if you squint and ignore the turning in your stomach, paph and arme are my half siblings. and now im trying to do math for... but no, i won't, anyway things are okay with my kids i think

24- my relationship with my parents

i killed my husband actually and i intend to do it again (date night!) and i've never seen aphrodite in the flesh after the very first time. xigdad though we watch x files on the regular it's great

33- what words make me feel best about myself

when people i care about engage with me in shared interests without it feeling like they are tolerating me or humoring me. the narrator teared up with me about destiel over lunch that was pretty great. as for specific words i like 'doll' but only coming from xigbar anyone else can die by my blade. i like 'friend' also and 'bestie' and that can come from anyone im kh-close with (have talked twice). 'bestie' can also be used by other fans of supernatural as is customary. uhm i also like being reassured that im not colossally fucking up at every turn so when people go 'yes' or 'great' or 'good job' in genuine ways it's like 'oh thank the gods i didn't just throw my whole life down the drain by fumbling that interaction'